Bill Cammack

Today’s the day before the Puerto Rican Day parade, so there’s a large festival going on in Spanish Harlem. In honor of this CHERISHED event! :D we will discuss taking sand to the beach.

Now… Let’s consider the festival like a beach. A beach has lots of SAND on it…. IN it? a beach is made up of sand? a collection of sand is called a beach???? :/

Anyway…

A beach has lots of SAND… In the case of this festival, that sand would be GIRLS! :D Hundreds and Hundreds, and perhaps even Thousands! :D

So now we have our foundation for “the phrase that pays”…..

Don’t.Take.Sand.To.The.Beach! :D

That’s right. Do *NOT* take SAND to the beach. Do *NOT* take your girlfriend with you to places where there are going to be A) more girls, and B) more girls better looking than your girlfriend. Do not do it. :/ Don’t do it.

First of all, you will be distracted. She will feel how ‘distant’ you are, when you’re normally paying attention to her. No good. :/ I mean… it’s good that you’re distracted, but it’s BAD to let her experience your reaction to other chicks. For some reason, women like to feel that you’re solely physically attracted to *them*, so it’s best to maintain that illusion for them. :)

Second of all, you will be frustrated. You won’t be able to give out that cell number or website URL, because women are looking even when they’re not looking. :/ Going “Was that a rabbit?” and pointing away from the girl you want to meet and having your girlfriend completely miss the transaction only happens in the movies… BAD movies at that.

Third, you won’t be able to talk with the fellaz like you normally do. Your boys will DITCH YOU so they can check out ass without ruining your relationship. It’s really funny to watch that look on a guy’s face when he sees the fellaz see him walking towards them, holding hands with some chick, looking like he’s on his way to a church picnic. You feel this kind of… well, it’s not sympathy, because it’s all his fault! :D I guess it’s kind of like that baseball story about “Casey up to bat” where the guy’s in the important game and strikes out. “No joy in Mudville” HAHAHAHAHAHA :D It’s like your boy made it ALL THE WAY to the festival, but now he can’t enjoy it! :D

Here’s how to NOT take sand to the beach….

Act like you’re not going. Tell her you have to work or you have to help your cousin move to a new apartment. If you don’t live with her, tell her you’re not feeling well and you’re about to shut the phone off and sleep for a few hours. Tell her you’re going to do something she hates to do (maybe bowling) and you’ll call her later. Tell her you’ll meet her for brunch waaaaaaaay on the other end of Manhattan island, like in SoHo or even better, in a completely different boro.

WHATEVER YOU DO… Do NOT let her come to “the beach” with you…. Actually, now that I think about it, this applies to the actual beach as well! :D Don’t take your girlfriend to the beach. You’ll be soooorrryyyyy! Sprinkle some sand on your balcony and let her lay out there. Get one of those hot-dog-vendor umbrellas. Put the television on the Travel Channel.

Also… Make sure you ascertain her whereabouts BEFORE going to the festival. This will COMPLETELY BACKFIRE on you if she shows up to the festival on her own! :O

First of all, she’s going to see YOU before YOU see HER, because she’s going to be one out of a million girls you’re checking out. Actually, you’ll be lucky if you see her at all, because the odds are that there are at least ten better looking girls than her in your line of sight at any given time. It’s like asking the colorblind guy to pick out the girl in the red dress.

Second, she’s going to see the way you act when she’s not around! HAHAHAHA Nooooo Good! :/

So do what you have to do. Buy her a ticket to an afternoon play. Send her to get her hair done in like… Hoboken. Do what you can to avoid taking sand to the beach, and ESPECIALLY having sand show up to the beach on her own.

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DatingGenius