How To Cheat… Properly!

A friend of mine once told me “The best way to cheat….. is NOT to cheat!”

This is true. In a perfect world, people would be monogamous and their word could be trusted when they say things like “I love you” and “You’re the only one I’m dating”. However, as you can read yourself in the New York Times, the buzz this week is about how Client 9 got caught cheating on his wife.

Now, I find this to be one of the “funny” things about this society. Guys are trained to go out there and get what they want. Make more money. Initiate Mergers & Acquisitions. Run for office. Play professional sports. Sell your startup… Guys are trained from birth to be the best and take what they want, and then they’re not supposed to apply that to women. Guys are expected to have just one chick and be satisfied with that, when they’re not expected to have just one company or play just one sport. Meanwhile, the more successful you are, the easier it gets for you to acquire and maintain chicks. I mean, think about it…. Why bother becoming Tony Soprano if you can’t enjoy it? What’s the point of acquiring wealth and power without the ability to do what *YOU* want with it?

Granted, the argument is “If you want to live the single lifestyle… BE single!” 😀 Again, this is true. However…. This doesn’t work for everyone. James Buchanan was the *ONLY* unmarried American President. In some professions, your opportunities for advancement are SEVERELY limited if you don’t have a wife. Similar to getting green cards, being married is just… necessary. It’s a part of the job description. Is this fair to the wife? No. Some know what they’re cosigning and some do not.

Anyway… If you juuuuust can’t help it, and you want to know how to cheat “right”, watch “The Sopranos”. 😀

Yes. I’m aware “The Sopranos” is fiction! 😀 However, if Client 9 had used his time to watch the series instead of scrambling from ATM to ATM to “get his funds up”….. um….. Well, FIRST OF ALL, he wouldn’t have been scrambling from ATM to ATM to get his funds up! 😀

Let’s see what else he wouldn’t have done, had he attended the Tony Soprano school for cheating:

Quotes are from the New York Times article.

“It was after 9 on the night before Valentine’s Day when she finally arrived, a young…”

WRONG! 🙁 Actually… this is DOUBLE-WRONG, hahaha 😀 First of all, if you’re gonna cheat, you’re gonna have to pay some dues… such as being around the family at the right times, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Valentine’s Day. Now, you may be thinking “but, it was the day before!”. The day before VD (hehe, ever notice that? The abbreviation for Valentine’s Day is VD? hehehe) is when you get to make your points by celebrating with your woman EARLY! Capisce? Let those other chumps start their celebrations ON Valentine’s Day. That’s actually *late*, especially if your woman works, because she’s sitting there all day, WONDERING if she’s got a nice surprise waiting for her when she gets home instead of BEAMING about what you already did for her the night before, and that morning. SO… “the night before a special event is NOT the time to rent a chick”.

This is ALSO wrong because Valentine’s Day in particular is when you’re supposed to be affectionate to chicks. This is going to be tough to do after you hook up with some chick you’re actually hot for, then, a couple of hours after that, you’re supposed to be all “Happy Valentine’s Day! :D” to your wife. SO… The correct order is to celebrate with your wife the night before and the morning *of* VD, then “get called away for business” later that evening. 😉

“This was at the Mayflower, one of Washington’s choicer hotels…”

WRONG! 🙁 If you’re ballin’ like that, that you’re spending thousands of dollars to see one chick… you want to have an APARTMENT out of the way somewhere. You do NOT want to go to a hotel with CAMERAS, WORKERS and myriad OTHER PEOPLE that just might happen to be there. Also, it’s much easier to explain what you’re doing in an apartment complex than it is to explain what you’re doing by yourself on the eighth floor of a hotel with a big SMILE on your face. 😀

“….an online prostitution ring, the affidavit said…”

ummmmmmm……. Online?…. Prostitution?……..

Was there a bar when you walked in? 😀 Did the chick suggest that you pour her a drink while she goes in another room and changes? 😀

“There’s something that I need you need to know… I’m Chris Hanson….”

WHAAAAAAAT? :O Online Prostitution? wow. :/ Forget all that. What you want is a goomah, which is essentially an extra girlfriend.

Amy & Joey
This is where the apartment comes in handy. You also get to avoid scrambling to the ATM to get more money, avoid cell phone calls between a hooker, her boss and her boss’ boss, avoid getting a call from some agency during “family time” and probably MOST IMPORTANTLY, you get to avoid ordering chicks online.

“In a prior conversation, Client 9 had already told her that he had booked a room and had paid for it in his own name; now he asked who was coming…”

I realized after I began this post that commenting on this ONE article could easily take me a full month, so I’m going to stop here. 😀

Obviously, again, having a goomah enables you to AVOID conversations with hookers’ bosses. You also happen to know which girl you’re paying $,$$$ for. Being that I’m not a “trick” (a guy who pays chicks to have sex with him), I don’t know how that stuff works. I would assume you’d pick a particular chick and set up a time to see her instead of whatever chick happens to be available at the time? \o/ Maybe he was trying out different ones? Perhaps there was a special on certain chicks this month? Dunno. Anway…..

In the end, we circle back to the beginning. As you can see, “The best way to cheat….. is NOT to cheat!” 😀 …. Not because it’s “the right thing to do”, but because you’d either have to be a tactical genius or fictional television character to pull it off. If you’re considering cheating, mentally project yourself into the future of your getting caught. Then, look from there back into the past (which hasn’t happened yet), and ask yourself…..

Was it worth it?………

1993 ~ Amy & Joey ~ 2007

Client 9 Resigns ~ 2008


Join the Conversation


  1. I here what you are saying. With all the surveillance going on, it’s VERY hard to get this stuff to work.

    People have been caught with their EZ-PASS being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Suppose to be in Boston, but the EZ-PASS says DC – wrong way my man.

    Probably the best bet is to get fit. Don’t take cars or bus or trains. RUN to your love shack! That way, you could say you got all sweaty and a nice old lady let you in to clean up. But, who else lives with the nice old lady? A hot young grand daughter! There’s your alibi!

    But in reality, playas don’t need to be married. Even “The Bourne Identity” series can’t remotely keep up with the lies and stories you’ll have to come with to cover a cheater.

  2. For real. Some people have so much more to lose than their relationship, it seems like a really dumb gamble to cheat. However, for some people, that’s the thrill of the whole thing…

    The potential of getting caught.

  3. It’s better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved before.

    But, it’s F’d up to get CAUGHT loving someone who is NOT your wife, ‘specially when there is money and jail time involved.

    Divorce yo ball-n-chain and be the major baller you always aspired to be. And secondly, don’t be calling the kettle black if you are cooking in the same.

  4. Hilarious stuff:

    Did the chick suggest that you pour her a drink while she goes in another room and changes? 😀

    “There’s something that I need you need to know… I’m Chris Hanson….”

    And Amen to Derek!

  5. If you are gonna cheat don’t chaet out of your league!! don’t cheat down with someone who has $$ needs because your phone will start ringing with request. Don’t chaet up with some one who has their own standing as your resources will get thinned out AND your spouses phone will start ringing! need to create more space on that monthly budget, your wife gotta go! AND FELLAS, don’t cheat with in your own sex-just nasty if you don’t tell her!

  6. @Derek: I dont’ know why my site didn’t inform me of your comment, but I’m just seeing it now. Very Good Advice! 😀

    Unfortunately, people like to have their cake and eat it too, so instead of being straight up and saying “I’m not interested in this family situation anymore” and bouncing, they leave it intact and do their thing on the side.

    The problems occur when the side becomes the center and the center becomes the side, or when they just plain get caught with a hand in the cookie jar.

  7. @Frank: Interesting concept. I don’t think I’ve ever considered whether it makes a difference what monetary situation someone’s in, as far as a “cheating” situation’s concerned.

    I’m going to have to think about that, but off the top, I would think it would be better to “cheat” (if you just HAVE To “cheat” at all, that is) with a broke chick than a rich chick, because the rich chick would have more resources with which to “Fatal Attraction” your ass.

    Then again, the broke chick would be more desperate. If she gets mad, she just STAYS that way, because she’s broke. At least the rich chick can fly to Cancun with her girlfriends and forget all about you! 😀

  8. “oh hell no! you not just gonna bust yo shyt and leave. I got billz, this p*ssy ain’t free…”
    Broke chick will blow yo’ spot with wifey if you don’t come through! Dude you from Spanish Harlem I know you know how this story plays out, ask around! lol

  9. Broke chicks – like you say, ain’t got nothing better than to follow you around and break you sh!t. What are you going to do? Sue em? They ain’t got anything!

    Rich chicks – mess them over, and not only are they in Greece relaxing, but your sorry a$$ body could be floating in the river due to a nicely executed contract on your butt.

    Personally, I’ll stay on the sidelines and watch the cheaters go down.

  10. @Asabi: lolol “It ain’t my fault! (did I do that?) hahaha 😀

    Don’t blame The Kid! Blame Spitzer, ordering thousands of dollars worth of chicks and getting his Charlie Sheen on! hahaha 😀

    Please feel free to leave a comment about whatever you find shocking, interesting or whatever, haha “Inquiring minds want to know!” 😀

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