Truth vs. Relationships

Reader Lisa writes:

Lisa: “I use the number as a guide to tell the odds if he is clean or not. I would love to know how many woman a man is messing with CURRENTLY but guys will lie about that.
Any tips on how to get a man to tell the truth about how many women he’s messing with currently? I wouldn’t care about the past if I he is being honest about the present.”

Lisa, 🙂

Here’s how to get a guy to tell the truth about how many women he’s messing with currently…..

ready?…..

wait for it…… (yes, Tyme, I bit your style. Too Bad So Sad)

Date an honest guy.

Thanks for reading. Enjoy your evening! 😀

Masako, Masami, Bill
Random picture of Masako, Masami & Bill, having nothing to do with this article and linked to my video player page. 🙂

That’s it. That’s all. That’s the ENTIRE key to getting a guy to tell the truth. It has to be a part of his character from the get. If you create an alliance with someone, you have to start with the proper foundation, or you’re building your house on sand… if not QUICKSAND.

Women have lots of completely wrong beliefs about relationships that make them susceptible to the simplest deception.

For instance, “I love you” is one of the most devastating things you can say to a woman because she attaches meaning to it on her own. It doesn’t have to mean JACK to you when you SAY it, because she’s conditioned by movies, television and “old wives’ tales” to believe that there’s no way a guy could say that to her if it wasn’t the truth. Meanwhile, guys know this. We see you coming. It’s no tougher for us to say “I love you” than it is for us to say “pass the salt”.

So… Easy way to get laid? Tell a chick “I love you”.

I guess that was a bonus tip hahaha 😀 I meant to talk about truth and ended up talking about deception.

The only way to “get a man to tell the truth” is… you can’t.

YOU have ZERO control over the situation. Here’s the proof… Let’s say your little sister visits you and stays over your crib. Let’s say you COUGHfoolishlyCOUGH leave your man alone with her. When you come back and ask your boyfriend if he tapped that while you were gone, assuming he answers the question AT ALL, there are only two things he can say. YES or NO. Now… There are only two things he can be… A liar or a truth-teller. Here’s the matrix:

He hit it and he’s a truth-teller: “Yes, I screwed your sister.”
He didn’t hit it and he’s a truth-teller: “Nope”
He didn’t hit it and he’s a liar: “Nope”
He dogged your sister ALL DAY LONG and he’s a liar: “Nope”

See how that works? Your finding out the truth has nothing to do with what actually happened. It has to do with who he was as a person before you met him. It has to do with whether he values the truth over doing what he wants to do in life… In this case, screwing your sister. 😀

The ‘problem’ with the above scenario is that in the case of the guy being a truth-teller, he already KNOWS he’s a truth-teller. He already knows that if you ask him if he messed with your sister, he’s not going to lie to you. Therefore… he’s NOT.GOING.TO.DO.IT! 😀 The same thing that makes him tell the truth is the same thing that’s going to prevent him from screwing your sister, so the only situation where a guy is going to say “Yes, I screwed your sister” is a virtual impossibility. Approximately 0.00%

Relationships *SHOULD* be built on truth, but for the most part, they’re built on mutually parasitic behavior. A guy sees a girl he’s attracted to and wants to hook up with her. A girl sees a guy she wants to be in a relationship with and hooks up with him. They both have their goals in elevating the other person past “friend” status to “significant other”. Truth has nothing to do with relationships, and is rarely discussed at all. When was the last time you asked someone you were dating “are you a liar?”….. Think about it….. Let’s go back to our matrix:

He’s a truth-teller: “No, I am not a liar”
He’s a liar: “No, I am not a liar”

You see how that works? The liar is going to LIE about being a liar and represent himself as a truth-teller, hahahahaha 😀

So, like I said, there’s no way to GET someone to tell the truth. All you can do is spend time with someone that’s naturally a truth-teller. You need someone that values truth ABOVE the current status of his relationship to you. If he went to that bachelor party and had girls all over him all night, he’s gonna come back home and tell you nothing happened and he was bored… Like playing poker or something… Electronic Monopoly! Why should he tell you the truth so you can get upset about it? Why would he decrease his physical access to you? What’s HIS benefit in telling you the truth? WHY should he?

This is why you want the guy to value the truth OVER his relationship to you. You want him to be willing to lose you if it means that he remains truthful to himself and congruent with his stated set of values. A friend of mine is like that. He has tons of chances to “cheat”, but he hasn’t and he WON’T, because he wouldn’t be able to look his girl in the face and lie to her. That’s cool. 😀 That’s admirable, IMO. I also consider it an anomaly.

The other thing that gets females into trouble is trusting “women’s intuition”. 😀

Basically, y’all convince yourselves that you’re good judges of character. The effect of this is that once you believe a guy, he can sell you ANYTHING and you’ll eat it up. To disbelieve him is to disbelieve yourself because of cognitive dissonance. This is why y’all KNOW you’re in a TRASH relationship, but hang on to it anyway. To admit that your man is TRASH means that *YOU* are a POOR JUDGE OF CHARACTER, so you hang on as long as you can in the hopes that eventually, you will prove yourself right.

My only advice to women in the area of trust and truth is Checks & Balances. Don’t date guys that nobody knows! 😀 There needs to be a “chain of custody”, like they DIDN’T HAVE in the O.J. Simpson trial. SOMEBODY needs to be able to vouch for this dude. Somebody YOU trust.

There are lots of chicks that ended up on The Maury Povich Show because they THOUGHT they knew something about their man…. but they DIDN’T.

DatingGenius

16 thoughts on “Truth vs. Relationships”

  1. Women won’t admit they have bad intuition. You are right. That bad intuition works both ways always – they skip good guys also.

    Very funny comment also: Yep I screwed your sister –> 0.0 percent of the guys.

    I’m telling you, Bill. Ever talk with people that get paid to talk about relationships? I think you’d give them a serious run for their money, dude.

    Now, if we could get some of Tyme’s blog women to come over here and admit they are wrong with their intuition…

  2. I admit that at one time I was a horrible judge of character. I never wanted to believe that the guy I picked was that dumb, naive, pathetic, a pathological liar, could make such stupid decisions, etc. because that would make me messed up for picking him. Now when I see it, I become amused, and bounce.

  3. I don’t think women have bad intuition, Derek. I think the majority of the time we see and notice all the bad signs. It’s what we choose to do with our intuitive observations that’s the problem. This is why women are known to want to ‘change’ a man. We know he isn’t exactly how we’d want him, but we are willing to work on him. Intuition says NO, heart says ‘make this work.’

    Not all women are like this, but I know everytime I end up in some janky situation with some dude, I knew from the beginning he was suspect. But I just *had* to go down that path.

  4. Liz, wasn’t suggesting that all women have bad intuition. But I was hoping that, like Tyme did, they’d come over and admit it when they did.

    Me, personally, I also think that if I had to do it all over again, I would date lots of women for lots of years, and just endure all the “problems”. I’d find that much easier than trying to change someone.

    Believe it or not, we men have some intuition also – but we have a major piece of equipment that usually overrides that information.

  5. Wow, the four prepositions about liars-truthtellers-hitting it-not looked like that bit in Labyrinth where Jennifer Connelly has to face the two doors.
    Great article, though. 🙂

  6. Sambucivox: Thanks. It’s a pretty basic principle. If you can’t TRUST someone, what they say to you has no value whatsoever.

    People like to rush into making deals with each other and starting “relationships” before they even know ANYTHING about the person they’re supposedly “with”.

  7. A.rabbi recently wrote this to the guy that caused people to lose all their money in the stock market but it really alludes to real life situations regarding character. There has been some modifications to what he said but still the concept is in tact.

    I don’t think you know what you have done.

    Life inevitably inflicts upon us different kinds of wounds. Very few people can live connected lives and not occasionally fail those who depend upon them and trust them. However, these are failures not betrayals. They come from trying to do the right thing and not being able to do it. A betrayal is different than a failure. A betrayal is an intentional wounding. It is born of cruelty, not ignorance. Most of us know of failures and betrayals. What you have done, however, is to radically expand the scope and viciousness of betrayal. You betrayed not just your friend, but your closest friend. You betrayed my trust of which I entrusted you with everything my most prized possession myself. You betrayed my good works and you have extinguished them in an afternoon.

    The betrayal is epic in their scope and dazzling in their utter lack of remorse
    or responsibility. There must be some new word invented to describe the way you have redefined betrayal. The Bible calls such things a toevah, “an abomination”. It means an act so alien to our values and our natures that it cannot be understood or explained. You have committed an abomination. This is what you have done.

    You are a relationship terrorist. Your attack has toppled the foundations of trust between us. Although you are not by any means the only relationship terrorist, you are its most reviled attacker. In the world, what have brought us down are not worthless financial instruments, but worthless people. Many people have always known and have never forgotten that trust is all the collateral they have ever placed against a relationship.

    Most of those you’ve deceived (I am positive that I am not the only one) will learn to live and give in new and perhaps more selective relationships. Unlike your evil, nothing will stop their courage and compassion. Some of your victims will no doubt be more severely wounded in circumstance and in spirit, but none of them, I pray, will surrender to your
    assault. After my initial trauma subsides,I will, I believe, move on to cling to the blessings that cannot ever be stolen. My family and extended family of friends.

    You, on the other hand, will lose everything-everything! From this day to the end of your life, eventually in time, when people really get to know your character there will be none who will trust you. To be mistrusted by everyone is an enormous curse and you have brought this all upon yourself, and for what purpose? You have made a bad calculation about how life works.

    You gave no value to what matters and all value to what does not matter at all. This is what you have done.

  8. Yeah, betraying people for reasons not having to do with self preservation is a real bad, bad thing. Apparently 10x worse if you’re a Jew betraying other Jews. I recall the recent article in the NY Times where a Rabbi was asked what this dude could do to redeem himself with his community/religion and the answer was… nothing. NOTHING.

    Betraying trust just shatters people. They start doubting themselves, their ability to judge others, blaming themselves and all kinds of crap like that, when the fault was really with the other person. What trips up a lot of folks is the idea that people are fundamentally good. They’re not. Nor are they fundamentally bad. We’re all fundamentally selfish until we need someone else’s cooperation to get what we want. Where it fails is the assumption that the trade is fair in both directions. Come to find out…

  9. @Honey, @Steve: This is the entire issue. Men “see women coming”. The same thing that this female is saying she wants or she wants him to do, he’s already heard it a million times from other women. Sometimes, he did one thing, and he got good results. Other times, he did the opposite and got poor results.

    So it comes down to an issue of ‘utility’. What do you need to do or say to get her to act the right way so that you can enjoy YOUR life. It has nothing to do with The Truth in a lot of circumstances, which is what women find out down the line.

    Then, the question becomes “How could you tell me that you loved me when you didn’t?” and the answer is “Because you wouldn’t lay down, otherwise”.

    This is why women can’t MAKE a guy tell them the truth. He’s either going to do it or he’s not, depending on what makes his life better and also depending on in how high or low regard he holds The Truth to begin with.

  10. Wow, thanks. This is great. I never thought about honesty as being ingrained in the personality. But it would explain both why I can’t lie, and why my man can’t tell the truth. It’s so simple, I just leave. Thank you!!

    1. Hi Lisa. Thanks for the comment. 🙂

      Yeah, that’s basically how it works. There are honest people and… not-honest people, personality-wise. When you see these people that don’t have any problems stealing people’s life savings through investment scams, it’s because they don’t have a problem with lying to people or stealing from them.

      It’s the same way in relationships. There are some guys who value honesty over getting what they want. There are other guys who value getting what they want over honesty. The problem is that women never check for this before getting involved with a guy and then y’all usually never find out until the situation’s already played itself out and you’re left holding the bag.

  11. Hi Bill,

    I spent the last few weeks searching for relationship advice and I landed at your blog. Thank you very much, because it is useful to read and so TRUE!

    Wafa

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