Down With Weightists!

Reader Karima W. called my attention to this New York Times article about Japan’s efforts to keep its population slim.

Japan Metabo

The short version is that they’re measuring people’s waistlines to make sure they’re not over ~35″… for those of you not in the know, that sign means inches, so they want people in Japan’s waists to be slimmer than one leg of a chick from Washington, DC.

[side note: Cancel all trips to DC for the next 6 months…]

Anyway…. They’re measuring people’s waists, and if they’re over ~35″, they receive instructions on how to go on a diet. If they don’t get that weight off after 6 months, they get BETTER dieting instruction, hahaha. There are fines if they don’t achieve these goals… not to THEM, but to the companies that hire them or the towns they live in. SOMEBODY will have to PAY if these people don’t lose weight. The reason for this is that they don’t want their healthcare costs to rise as people “allow themselves” to become fat and then have extra health problems because of that.

Needless to say, this would not work in the USA… nope. This is because the USA is one of the only places in the world where you can be broke and fat at the same time.

See, this’ll work in Japan, because if you don’t lose the weight, you get fired. If you get fired, you start to starve, meaning you lose weight and meaning you can get a job with a different company, because now, you’re under the waistline limit.

If you get fired for your weight in the USA, you don’t have to go to work, so you sit around eating what your girl brings home off of food stamps and her WIC check (Women wih Infant Children, for those not… in the know), and you get fatter than you ever were before.

Now, I don’t know what’s going on over there in Japan, but it’s probably how they let them build a bunch of McDonald’s franchises over there. I’ve had Sushi before, and I just can’t see how people could get fat eating that.

Besides all that, how did they determine that the measurement of someone’s waistline was the prime indicator of their health? How is that fair when you place one Japanese woman with no ass next to a Japanese woman with some bounce to the ounce? Some junk in the trunk? Are they judged the same way, because they have the same waistline measurement? What if the thicker chick is in fantastic shape and the thinner chick is flabby… but, again, they have the same waist measurements?

Hmm… Wait a minute… Maybe they’re onto something. Let me not be hasty…..


ok… So let’s say you hook up with a significant other, and you like the way he or she looks, right… So you get them to sign a contract… And it’s like when people curse.

You know how when people curse, they have to put a quarter in the jar? Yeah… You weigh your SO every couple of weeks, and the amount that they’re over their contracted weight, they have to kick in so many dollars to the Weightist Fund. Hear me out now, this is getting good! 😀 The heavier they get, the more they have to pay, so by the end of like 6 months, you can afford to put them in the gym for the rest of the year!

Now, your SO’s probably a cheapskate anyway, so in order to avoid paying all this money, they’ll take it upon themselves to exercise or at least buy a wii. Yeah. This is kind of like insurance. Insurance against the old bait & switch, the old “marry me and then sit around eating bon bons” trick (or in the case of the fellaz, the old “marry me and then sit around drinking beer and watching television” trick).

If it’s good enough for the UFC, it should be good enough for you and your SO, right? 🙂 Before the fight, you have the weigh-ins. If you make the weight and your opponent doesn’t, you can decline to fight them. Same deal with the Weight Contract that you and your SO sign off on at the beginning of the relationship. If she gets over a certain size… you’re not obliged to hit it! 😀 And she can’t get mad at you, either, because it’s right there in black and white. A deal’s A deal! Just point at the paper, point at the scale and go back to watching the game! 😀

Anyway, Japan’s bugging out. Imagine if they found a way to FORCE Americans to be healthy. That would totally ruin the game for those of us that depend upon the fact that so many people remove themselves from the procreationally desirable population. Preposterous! I mean, come on. Imagine if they made every chick in the USA looked like Mya. It would be an absolute…

Do we have any contacts in Japan? I think we can work this thing out…


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