Don’t Play Yourself

Twice in the last week, I’ve had an experience I haven’t had in a long time… Waiting on a line to get into a bar/club.

I don’t wait on lines, basically for two reasons. If I’m going somewhere on my own, I’m not going to stand in a line to get into a location that has the exact same chicks that are outside in the street, in the bar next door with no line, at the pizza shop right now having a slice, in the subway, in the supermarket etc etc etc. Merely by logic, there’s more physical space OUTSIDE that establishment than there is INSIDE it, so, actually, by going into a bar or club, I’m DECREASING the number of available chicks instead of INCREASING that number. So… Let me get this straight… You want me to wait on a line so I can be around FEWER chicks with LESS light and MORE noise so I can’t hear them, can’t see them and there are fewer of them to hear and see? Nah. 😀

The other reason is that the people I hang out with don’t normally select places like that for get-togethers. This week was different. TWICE, I ended up waiting on lines to get into a spot, and I got to re-absorb some line-culture.

One of the things that’s annoying, yet completely understandable about lines for bars/clubs in NYC is that chicks are treated differently from guys. The reason it’s understandable is that by the time guys are on a line to get in a club, it’s usually after midnight. This usually means they’re already drunk. You do NOT want to leave chicks on a line with a bunch of drunk guys, because they’ll get harassed until they exit the line and walk away from your club. That’s no good, because if this keeps happening, the word’s gonna get out about your spot that you don’t take care of the ladies, and then you start to lose business.

Another reason to get chicks in the door, ASAP is that they’re bait. The more chicks you have inside, the more guys are buying those girls drinks, trying to get on. The obviously desired effects being 1) the chick feels goodwill towards you because “you did something nice for her” by buying her a drink, and 2) a SHARP decline in her ability to remember that she just met you or that she has a boyfriend at home. So the more chicks you let in, the more money you make, because you’re multiplying the number of drinks guys are buying, per minute.

Interestingly enough, using chicks as bait is a good reason NOT to let them skip the line, because if you use the style I just mentioned, you end up with a line outside your club of all guys, indicating that your bull****-ass club doesn’t pull any females, or “it ain’t that kinda party”….. Neither implication’s good for your business, so you need to find a balance…. well… I mean… unless it AIN’T that kinda party…..

So I’m standing there on a line last night, and I happened to have arrived at the spot right after these three chicks did. So there’s a line of guys, three chicks and then me. I had just come from another party, so I was feelin’ aiiite 🙂 and didn’t bother to start watching my own podcast on my iPod Nano. Because of this, I became aware of the chattering of the chicks in front of me. They were obviously confused about something. Bewildered. Not to be confused with Befoogled.

Shifting to the side so I could see the furrow in one of the chick’s brows and watch her lips move so I could detect which lines were coming from her so I could make some sense of the chatter, I realized that they were not only confused, but UPSET that they had to wait on line to get in. Of course, I found this hilarious and tuned in for the fun. 😀

So they’re switching between commiserating about not getting in and yelling statements to the bouncer (this guy was an actual “BOUNCER”, not these “doormen” that they place in front of clubs because they look stylish and completely unathletic. It’s the doorman’s job to scream into his little earpiece for the REAL SECURITY to come save him if some ish jumps off outside. :D) about why he should let them in. Regardless of how they framed it, their entire case was “We’re Girls!”. smh So here are these idiots, standing out in the street in Manhattan, NYC stating the obvious. It was perfectly obvious that they were all females. I’m sure the bouncer was aware of that. Each time they tried and didn’t receive any preferential treatment, they just got madder. 🙂

Adding fuel to the fire, another annoying-yet-understandable feature of line-culture is that people that know the doorman get in regardless of what the doorman just told YOU. The basic reason doormen like to give about making people wait to get in is that it’s too crowded inside, which is a valid issue to be concerned about. However, when they tell you that you have to wait until people LEAVE to get in, and then nobody leaves, and somebody hops out of a cab with four other people, shakes the doorman’s hand and enters the establishment with his/her entire party, you’re like WTF? But… That’s how it goes. If you don’t like it, don’t patronize establishments that deal with people on an unfair basis.

Meanwhile, some guys had now joined the line, and they had their own problems. Apparently, one of them had offered the doorman $20 to let him and his friends skip the line. This is a valid tactic, done by palming the money, then shaking the doorman’s hand. If he accepts the bill from you, he’ll let you and your friends in and it looks like you knew him to anyone that doesn’t perceive the exchange. So now, I’m laughing even more, because I’m virtually SURROUNDED by people that can’t believe they have to wait on a line! 😀

Next thing that happens is this guy walks up with two chicks and starts talking to the three gals that are on line in front of me. He asks them the OBVIOUS, COMMON-SENSE question:

“What are you doing standing on a line when there are four other bars on this same block?”

This is the point I was making earlier. The only reason *I* was standing on the line was that the people who I came to see were inside that particular bar. So they start complaining to this guy, something to the effect of the bouncer being defective for not letting girls skip the line and go right into the bar without waiting. So he’s looking at them like they’re idiots and invites them to roll with him and the other two chicks to go down the street to some spot without a line. So after all that complaining and time-wasting, the girls get off the line (better for me, thanks! :)) and walk away while shouting at the bouncer stuff like “Now you have a line with all GUYS on it!”

Amazing! 😀 Such entertainment! Free! On the streets of Manhattan! 😀

I would have SO missed out if I had been listening to Brett performing “The Hand That Feeds” on my Nano! haha

ReelSolid.TV episode 314

Now, in this particular case, the “problem” was that the bouncer was doing his job. His job is to regulate the flow of people into and out of the club as well as let in the people that he knows he’s supposed to let in, because if he doesn’t, they’re going to text/call someone who’s going to MAKE HIM let them in, AND he’s going to get in trouble for not recognizing the VIPs. It was smart of him not to compromise his integrity by accepting $20 from that guy to skip the line. Situations like that lead to people feeling disrespectfully towards the doorman, because “he can be bought”. You don’t want people feeling like that, especially drunk people, because then you might actually HAVE TO bounce them. It’s better for them to know you’re not havin’ it, so they keep that in mind when they get inside and act like they know.

For those particular three girls in front of me, they had a different problem. 😀

This didn’t register to me as important until I understood what they were clamoring about, but when I shifted to the side to get a direct view of their lips so I could decipher a distinct line of chatter… amongst other things, I noticed that none of them were hot. Not meaning as in temperature, but as in having the level of looks that might motivate someone to offer them preferential treatment. One of them was ok…… The other two were… like… nah. 🙁 Even the ok one wasn’t…….

ok… Like I said before, the reason you want to let chicks skip the line to get in the club is that they’re bait for guys to buy more drinks per minute so you make more money by the end of the night. Unfortunately for these three, they aren’t bait. Not only would guys NOT have been buying them drinks, but these three actually would have been taking up valuable space and simultaneously PREVENTING guys from easily accessing the bar to buy drinks for other chicks, so it was actually better for the club’s “bottom line” NOT to let them in at all. 😀

This is what was so laughable and ridiculous about their commiseration and complaining. They didn’t realize that they weren’t up to par to receive the benefits and perks they were yelling for the bouncer to give them. The equivalent would be for me to stand there on line yelling at the bouncer “YO!… I’M A GUY! LET ME IN!” hahahaha The same way it makes no difference AND happens to be obvious that I’m a guy, it was obvious and made no difference that they were [unattractive] girls. Another reason why bouncers/doormen let girls in is that they want to kick it to them in the near future, if not tonight. These three FAILED in that aspect as well, so even if the bouncer hadn’t been strictly doing his job (not accepting bribes, etc), they wouldn’t have had any wins.

Another thing about them constantly running their mouths and acting like there was something wrong with the bouncer for not letting them in is that they were demonstrating that they have bad attitudes. Again, this is only something that HOT chicks can get away with. Being that he doesn’t care what she thinks anyway, the reason a guy tolerates a chick’s pathetic behavior is that she’s really attractive to him and/or he enjoys having sex with her. Letting chicks with crabby personalities into your bar is *NOT* going to help “the bottom line”. When guys talk about it the next day (or, in this case, blog about it the next day 🙂 ), they’re going to say that when they went to your spot, there were a bunch of unattractive females with lame personalities = you lose business. There are literally too many extra women in this town to interact with unintelligent or crabby females…. 210,820 extra, to be exact! 😀

So… Instead of stating the obvious, they should have just STFU and acted like they had some CLASS, and maybe the bouncer would have decided that they were chill and hooked them up. Also, walking away shouting insults at the bouncer who you were just *BEGGING* to let you in the club isn’t a smart move at all. That’s as dumb as those guys that stand out in the street calling women beautiful and lovely, and then when the women walk right by, the same guys start hurling insults. What sense does that make? Really.

Anyway, fortunately for me, the people that I hang out with seek out easily accessible locations. The less crowded the better, because we go out in groups to begin with and who knows how many people are going to eventually join the party? If it’s a private party we’re going to, there’s STILL no line, just names on the guest list. It WAS rather interesting to watch those chicks get indignant because of their sense of entitlement to special treatment merely for being females. 🙂 The other time this week that I was on a line, there were lots of women waiting and they all cheerfully spoke with each other to pass the time until they got in. If these particular three would have understood that the ability to skip the line is a COURTESY and not something they’re ENTITLED TO, they would have carried themselves differently and had a much better chance of achieving their goals for the evening.


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  1. Cammack!

    If I didnt know better I would say you spent the same 7+ years with me working the door. You are exactly right on nearly every point. One thing to remember – the bouncer can’t go anywhere. He can’t leave. He will be there when the chicks walk in and when they leave with toolbag #54 at the end of the night. Half the time, the last thing you want is to chat with the customers on line (you inevitably get the “whats the worst fight you have been in” and “do you do this for a living – two of my faves). If the customers are hot (correct sir!) or even entertaining, you dont mind them being online. If they are ANNOYING, PAINS IN THE ASS the only thing the bouncer can really do, other than refuse to let them in (and that is the really last resort) is to torment them… by makin’ em wait 🙂

    Trying to give the bouncer some cash works sometimes, but no guarantee – the owner or manager might be watching, the place is just too packed to let in a tipper (believe me, it happens), or more importantly, you are tipping too little. Telling me you are a player and then only offering 20 bucks for you and 3 friends would result in me making you wait even longer or not get in – and I had some good excuses:
    No hats
    No Corduroy pants (swear to god I used this)
    Too many guys, come back in 2 hours
    Shoes Only
    Your Shirt must have a collar

    I once refused to let a jerk and his 2 hammered friends in on the pretense “no hats guys”. As I said this one of the regulars high fived me wearing a kangol.

    Jerk: “he had a hat!”
    Me:”you are not him”

    awesome post

  2. @Sean: Thanks for the professional input! 😀 Very interesting.

    That’s a good point that if you’re trying to tip $20, you have to spread that out between all the people you’re trying to get in the door. $5/person is relatively disrespectful and there’s no reason for a bouncer to let people in at that rate.

    I totally LOVE “You’re not him”. hahahaha I’m going to have to find a reason to use that on somebody! 😀

    Cheers! 😀

    There’s a bar on the East side, called “Sutton Place” that uses the collar restriction. They’re consistent about it, though, haha. “Too many guys” or “We’re not admitting single guys” is still being used to this day, which is why we would hang out down the block or at a restaurant and recruit chicks to walk to the front of the line with us. Even chicks that weren’t planning to go to a bar will walk you into a bar/club if you have the right sap rap.

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