How To Dress Your Girlfriend

I had an interesting conversation last night with a few of the ladies @ this party I went to. It jumped off, because one of them said she should hire a stylist (which is going to be The Kid’s new venture, right after I finish writing this post). Unfortunately for her, she had mentioned earlier in conversation that she had a boyfriend. So I immediately replied:

“Your boyfriend’s supposed to be your stylist.”

She immediately dropped back into this “what’chu talkin’ ’bout, Willis?” pose and was looking at me with this funny expression, so I was like AWWWWW HEEEEERE WE *GO*!!! ๐Ÿ˜€

Her general position was that guys can’t dress girls. I was like “of course they can, because we know what looks good on you and what doesn’t”, to which she replied:

“Men know what looks good on women, but they don’t know WHY it looks good.”

So I stood there for a few seconds, waiting for her to say something that made sense.


That didn’t happen. ๐Ÿ™‚

Here’s the problem with her statement… Looking good is not OBjective, it’s SUBjective. You feel a certain way when you see something that looks good. A painting, a chick, architecture, whatever. Also, what looks good to one person doesn’t necessarily look good to someone else. So… The fact THAT something looks good is way more important than the reason WHY it looks good.

Stephanie Frasco & Bill Cammack

I’m sure you could ask a guy WHY some article of clothing looks good on a chick. You probably won’t get a response for a while, because auxiliary power has been switched to 1) looking, 2) thinking about what he’s looking at and 3) continuing to stand up straight instead of falling over. After that, he may or may not be able to give you a technical description of WHY that item looks good on her, but the fact remains that “WHY” doesn’t matter. All that matters is that he receives the proper physical stimulus from checking her out. ๐Ÿ™‚

So anyway, I tried to inform her that she didn’t know what she was talking about. I think the next thing I asked was:

“So your man doesn’t buy clothes for you?”

Same “what’chu talkin’ ’bout, Willis?” pose + weirdo stare. ๐Ÿ™‚ That’s when The Kid realized he wasn’t going to get anywhere with this as a one-on-one conversation and opened the floor to some nearby females. At least there was a range of responses. One said that her man bought clothes for her, but then equated that to him being domineering and posessive. Another one agreed with the first one, that men can’t buy clothes for women. A third one said that she had been with a guy who would buy her clothes sporadically. Needless to say, this had ZERO effect on the original gal’s perspective, which is why, as of today, I am now a personal shopper…. or shopping assistant….. or whatever the title is of people that get paid to tell people what to wear, hahaha ๐Ÿ˜€

As my first oficial act of … hmm. I guess this makes me ShoppingGenius! ๐Ÿ˜€

As my first official act as ShoppingGenius, I will now inform the fellaz on how to dress your girlfriends…..

First of all, the most important thing is knowing how SHE likes to dress in the first place. This is important because you want her to WEAR what you buy for her. If she likes to dress like a dude, don’t pick up a sun dress for her. If she likes to dress like Little House on the Prarie, don’t buy her modern clothing. You have to find out what your parameters are, and then select appealing gear inside that range.

Second, you have to know her size. This is important because you want her to be ABLE TO WEAR what you buy for her. ๐Ÿ™‚ Being that she’s your girlfriend, at some point in time, you should have access to her clothes when they’re not attached to her body. Write down her measurements, or twitter them to yourself. Make sure you do this while she’s asleep or in the shower. You know how chicks get with hallucinating about their actual size, or at least lying TO YOU about what it is. This is why you’re not going to ASK HER what her sizes are. She’ll give you the sizes she wishes she was, and not the sizes of clothes she can actually fit in. This reminds me… use your judgement. If your girl loves to stuff herself in jeans, creating unnecessary Muffin-Tops, make sure you increase the value of the sizes you retrieved from her gear.

Also, buying clothes for chicks is seasonal. If you go out with one for an entire year, you’ll notice they tend to get more and less “liquid”. This is, of course, unless they actually diligently monitor their physical condition, which is optimal! ๐Ÿ˜€ Anyway, you have to know where your girl currently is with her volume fluctuation. VOLUME is the key thing here, not weight, which is why it’s so funny that chicks always talk about “I need to lose 5 pounds” “I need to lose 10 pounds”, when who cares how much you weigh, when you don’t LOOK any better? So make sure you err on the high side of her volume, or else she’ll only be able to wear the gear in like three month cycles.

Now, you might be wondering… “Why in the hell would *I* want to dress my chick?” ๐Ÿ™‚ Well… Why did you buy that fancy car? Why do you work your ass off all day to get some money? Why did you go to the gym to work off all that beer that you drank? The same way you’re hooking YOURSELF up, you should be hooking YOUR GIRL up. There are a few reasons for this…

Women tend to confuse “a clothing item which looks cute” with “a clothing item which looks cute ON THEM”. How many times have you seen/heard women compliment another woman that looks absolutely HORRENDOUS in some gear that doesn’t fit her? It’s not that they’re being polite. They actually believe it looks good, I guess because of the colors or the fabric? \o/ … If your girl has this problem, you need to help her out with her clothing selection.

Did you ever notice how Presidential candidates are always married? This is because (amongst OTHER reasons, hahahahaha) guys are judged by their chicks. If you Pair Bond with a chick, you’re saying “this is the best I can do”. Having your chick look better, rather than worse, is ALWAYS in your best interest.

On a personal note, you want your girl to look good because she should ALWAYS catalyze you to think/feel “Yes, Yes… Yes Sir… Cain’t wait to tap that, sunnnnnnn ๐Ÿ˜€ “. If you let your girl walk around like a slovenly hippie bum, she’s not going to inspire you… causing you to interact with her more platonically than you’re supposed to and your entire physical relationship to her is less efficient/effective than it should be. The better SHE looks, the more into her YOU’RE going to be, and the more SHE’S going to be into how into her YOU are.

One more thing is, you don’t want to overdo it hahaha ๐Ÿ™‚ You’re buying her clothes to go out in the street in, not to model for you in your own crib (which is another issue, entirely). You want her to look good, but not like a professional hooker. Actually… if SHE tends to overdo her gear, buy her some conservative clothing that still looks hawt on her. The first benefit here is that if your girl looks too good, drunk dudes tend to act like AssHats and you might get in a beef over it. Second, you don’t want to tip the “fail scale” and go from “damn… his girl looks HAWT!” to “I know he’s paying her” (as in, he’s a customer). Third, you want it to be gear that she’s comfortable wearing, and some chicks just aren’t comfortable with how attractive they really are.

So now you’re ready. Sneak her measurements. Add at least +2 to all of them. Hit stores that are along the lines of gear she likes to wear, except buy GOOD-LOOKING ish. Surprise her with her presents, then go sport your new & improved chick around town.

PS – You do NOT want to tell her HOW you were able to buy clothes for her that fit perfectly. Make up something romantic like “baby, I’ve held you so many times, I just knew…. ๐Ÿ˜€ ”

So go out there and make it happen. Remember…

DiY, or your girl’s going to pay me YOUR MONEY to do your job for you. ๐Ÿ˜€




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  1. By this logic, Dennis Kucinich had them all beaten.

    Most women dress for other women, not men, so unless their boyfriends are up on the current trends as revealed by the fashion magazines, they fail.

  2. @Charles: Interesting idea, women dressing for other women. ๐Ÿ™‚

    As far as fashion magazines, if a guy wants to dress his girl up to look like a book, he’s free to do so. If he’d like to maximize his fun with her and his attraction to her, he’ll do what comes naturally to him and to her.

    Living anywhere but NYC (hmm, maybe LA, but I don’t know about that scene) you might have to resort to magazines if you wanted to know what was trendy. Around here, all you have to do is get on the subway. The chicks all wear the sme glasses, the same shoes, the same maternity dresses….. It’s so easy to know what’s “in style”. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about original style that makes her feel stylish and makes him feel like TAPPIN’ THAT, SUNNNNNNNN! ๐Ÿ˜€

  3. Great post! Iรขโ‚ฌโ„ขve seen that women tend to dress for other women IF they already have a guy, and dress for BOTH men and women if unattached.

    Good advice about buying for your girl’s style/size. Really though, I don’t know many women who want their guy to buy clothes for them. Most of us need to try on at least a dozen things before finding something we like/that fits well. Accessories are always welcome though. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Re. Maternity dresses, that’s all you can get in the stores right now. So annoying.

  4. Gotta say that as a general rule, you do not buy your girlfriend clothing. Buy her accessories, buy her jewelery, but you do NOT buy her clothing outside of very specific circumstances.

    BUT! If you must buy your girlfriend clothing, you do it by earning the mad points of going shopping with her. (This is also a convenient way to learn both what her sizes are and what kind of things look good on her, if you insist on going solo shopping at some point.) After you’ve got the sense of her sizes and what she’s feeling, find something you like and ask her to try it on. If she likes, and you like, tell her, “I think you need this” and whatever other shopping goes on, make it a present.

    Quality time shopping + patience + generosity = BOOYAH.

  5. @Khyros: Hey Dave. ๐Ÿ˜€

    The beginning of this particular conversation which sparked this particular post was that the gal in question had already ADMITTED that she doesn’t know how to dress herself. Not in the sense of “Daddy, I don’t know how to tie my shoes” dress herself, but she didn’t know what looked good on her and what didn’t.

    SHE said she should HIRE a stylist. I didn’t SUGGEST that she hire a stylist coughlikefloshouldcough. That’s when I said to her that her boyfriend’s supposed to be her stylist.

    See, now I was kidding about becoming ShoppingGenius, but maybe I SHOULD do a show where I teach these bummy chicks how to dress.

    It’s really funny. They complain that they can’t get a man in NYC and then they don’t put their best foot forward to look their best and STILL expect to get noticed, desired and coveted for an EXCLUSIVE relationship with some guy. Meanwhile, they think they’re looking GOOD because they looked in a magazine and saw an outfit that they thought looked good on a chick with a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT BODY TYPE and who is trying to project a certain image that’s not necessarily in sync with HER personality or way of being… but I’m getting off topic. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Second, if you go shopping with a chick and your entire purpose is pulling out your credit card at the end and paying for what SHE bought FOR HERSELF, then you are a TRICK. You are a walking ATM machine, nothing more and nothing less.

    You mention the word “present”. Let’s think about that….. On birthdays, when people normally get “presents”… Do they KNOW WHAT IT IS AHEAD OF TIME? ๐Ÿ˜€ Hell NO they don’t. That’s what makes it a PRESENT… is that it’s a SURPRISE.

    The version of a “present” that you suggest is “Look honey, I spent the money I just worked for ON YOU!” and is the equivalent to Fred Flintstone bringing home a Bronto-Burger for Wilma to cook. Welcome to fulfilling your archaic role in a cavewoman’s life! ๐Ÿ˜€

    What I’m talkin’ ’bout is “Hey honey, when I was on my way to the bar for Happy Hour with the fellaz, I passed this storefront and picked you up something. ๐Ÿ˜€ “. Now THAT’S FRESH! Points Galore!

    I’m not knocking your shop-together suggestion. Definitely do that too, if you want more Fred Flintstone points. Don’t forget to club her over the head and drag her back to the cave while you’re at it! ๐Ÿ˜€ Besides, there’s lots of eye-candy at the mall, so why not spend a few hours there?

    Having said all that, this entire thing only works if the guy actually KNOWS what looks good on a particular chick and what doesn’t. The Average Joe isn’t equipped with this feature from the factory. Guys get the module that allow you to imagine/remember what she looks like without ANY clothes on at all. ๐Ÿ˜€

    Thanks for the comment, Dave!

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