The Broderick / Parker Situation

Star Magazine is reporting that Matthew Broderick allegedly “cheated on” Sarah Jessica Parker.

Apparently, Broderick doesn’t read DatingGenius. 😀 If he did, he’d know “How To Cheat Properly” as well as pointing the chick he was allegedly messing with to the “Guide To Dating The ‘Internet Famous'”. Granted, I only posted the guide YESTERDAY, but still.

Let’s look at Broderick’s alleged violations, shall we? 😀

Star Magazine:“After meeting in a bar, Matthew began text messaging the 25-year-old youth counselor, says the woman’s pal. Soon after, the insider claims, they began seeing each other and things got passionate quickly when they met at the Manhattan townhouse of a showbiz friend.”

There are like 92 violations in that one paragraph.

“After meeting in a bar”?… WHAT? 😀 The Internet-Famous (and in Broderick’s case, the ACTUALLY FAMOUS) do *NOT* “meet chicks in bars”. This is an ESPECIALLY BAD IDEA when you’re famously known to be involved with someone else that’s famous. This is like quadruple-paparazzi-bonus. The only way you would have more witnesses is if you met a chick in Police Headquarters.

“… began text messaging…” Oh no. 🙁 This is 2008. You can deny phone conversations all you want, but once you start texting, it’s a WRAP! Don’t you watch any of the 80,000 “figure out who the criminal is” shows they have on television these days? As soon as the tabloids suspect who you’re dating, they’re going to bribe some minimum-wage worker at the telephone company for a record of her texts and then you’re done. Kaput.

“… 25-year-old…” Heeeeere we GO!!! 😀 Now… If you just HAVE TO kick it to a chick in public places AND text her to boot… AT LEAST make sure she’s OLDER and not YOUNGER than you are! People love to hate on dudes that can pull younger chicks. HATE! 😀 This is why you need to kick it with older chicks, because you won’t be suspected of “taking advantage” of them and you won’t get those stupid questions chicks always ask, like “what do you have in common with someone her age?”… As if you NEED anything to be “in common” other than she turns you on, and she’s down for whatever you have in mind! 😀

“… says the woman’s pal…” UH-OHHHHHH! See… This is one of the reasons Charlie Sheen shelled out all those ducats for chicks. DISCRETION! 😀 If you’re paying for chicks, you don’t have to worry about them blabbing to their homegirls who blab to the tabloids. All you have to worry about in THAT situation is if they’ve already wire-tapped the phones you’re using to order chicks that cost thousands of dollars per session to import them from NYC to Washington, DC.

“… when they met at the Manhattan townhouse of a showbiz friend…” Ugh. 🙁 Now I know tip #9 is “Enlist the help of others”, but this isn’t what I meant. Star Magazine also claims Broderick was seen showing up at the chick’s apartment building for “late-night visits”. I’m thinking now that I should have added another tip, which is:

12) Don’t be where you’re OBVIOUSLY not supposed to be

If you just HAVE TO meet a chick in the middle of the night, make sure it’s somewhere that you can explain it away… like your agent’s office. Maybe the 24-hour gym, with the explanation that you weren’t able to sleep and working out always does the trick for you. Maybe your storage facility in New Jersey……. ANYWHERE, except showing up late-night to a residential area and entering an apartment building where the chick you’re supposedly not kicking it to is known to live.

Well… Hopefully, Broderick still has some Ferris Bueller skillz left over, and he’ll be able to get out of this squeaky-clean. If not… it looks like he’ll have enough free time to read DatingGenius, like he’s supposed to! 😀

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4 Comments

  1. tsk, tsk, tsk If your gonna cheat (and I myself would never ask that you even give it a second thought) make sre he/she is also in a relationship! (not that I been there) but if she has just as much to lose, her friends have nothing to say since there is a good chance they may nor know!! again no second thoughts here, I say make up your damn mind o n the first!!

  2. @Frank: That’s a decent fail-safe, except that you’re relying on the other person’s ability to Hannle They Bidnezz, and that’s a BAD IDEA. 😀

    It’s also a bad idea because if you’re more fun than her SO, she might orchestrate a discovery in order to extract herself from her current relationship because NOW she want so be with YOU….

    No good… No good… 😀

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