Ladies: How To Tell He Has A Girlfriend

So I was kicking it with my friend Lux this evening and asked her about a topic that I could write about for the ladies, since DatingGenius has been a little player-heavy as of late, what with the Broderick / Parker shenanigans and all.

Lux, Bill & Molly
Lux Alptraum, Bill Cammack & Molly Crabapple

So Lux comes up with:

“How to figure out if the guy has a girlfriend!”

Now, that’s a great topic. πŸ™‚ I don’t believe I’ve ever considered this before.

The reverse scenario’s very easy. You can figure out if a gal has a boyfriend very easily, because…. she will TELL YOU! πŸ˜€ She might not TELL YOU tell you, but it’s infused in her speech patterns. For instance, when you ask her on Monday what SHE did last weekend, she’ll say “WE went to the beach”. Sometimes, you don’t even have to ask. Chicks’ll just THROW their boyfriend into the conversation! If you ask her what she does for fun, she might say “My boyfriend and I like to read books together“. See that? πŸ™‚ You didn’t ask her JACK about her relationship status, but she found a way to slip it in there anyway, hahaha.

This doesn’t work the same way with guys. If a guy’s kicking it to a chick, he’s trying to have sex with her. Period. He can’t afford to get caught slippin’, talking about “we” or “my girl” or “my kids” or “child support” or “restraining order” or NONE of that! πŸ˜€ So the lady in question is going to have to figure out ways to trick him out of the information he’s trying so hard not to divulge….

If he knows what he’s doing, you’re not going to be able to shake him verbally. The first thing you can try is to GET *HIS* NUMBER. A guy with a girlfriend can’t afford to give you his number. Why not? Because he can’t afford you CALLING HIM when he’s with his girl. πŸ˜€ He also can’t afford you calling HIS PHONE when he’s not around it and she is. He also can’t afford it if his nosey-ass girlfriend tends to check his phone messages. The guy with the girlfriend will want to get YOUR number and NOT give you his. Pull his card by suggesting a trade or having him give you his number so you can call him back from your cell phone.

Granted, the way around this is for him to have more than one phone, but that’s more hassle than most guys are going to go through just to get chicks on the side. He could also give you his work number if he feels that’s a secure line that his girl can’t check, so that’s why it’s good to call through to his cell from yours.

Make plans with him during conspicuous times of the evening. It’s easy for him to play off being an hour late coming home from work, because he was at the happy hour with you. It’s NOT easy for him to leave his house @ 8pm to come see you and then regain entry into his woman’s house. πŸ™‚ If he arrives several times to meet you wearing a basketball or workout outfit, you know he’s telling his woman he’s playing sports. Suggest a late dinner @ Tavern On The Green and see if he still rocks his Jordans and Puma sweats.

Show up to his job and see if the ladies in the place flash you dirty looks like you’re a homewrecker. If you manage to get inside unannounced, look around his office for any pictures laying face down or calendars half-stuffed into desk drawers.

Wear a lot of perfume. Make sure you get it all over him and see if he starts getting nervous. While you’re at it, overdo it on the lipstick, so you can leave a bunch on his shirt collar. If he doesn’t have a girl, who cares? He’ll just throw it on the laundry pile when he gets home, right? πŸ™‚

Invite him out on special occasions. Thanksgiving… St Patrick’s Day… Christmas Eve… If he’s always got excuses, he’s not *YOUR* boyfriend. You might be giving him some, but you wouldn’t be sitting in the front seat if he gathered all of his women into the same car… Capisce? πŸ˜€

If you’re feeling aggressive, go for the hickey, preferably on his neck and higher than where an upturned collar could conceal it. The hickey has been the player’s doom since elementary school. Word. :/ To be avoided AT.ALL.COSTS. Punches have been thrown over attempted hickeys, so you might want to just fake it. As soon as he feels too much pressure, he should FLIP OUT like Tom Cruise and completely lose his composure. By the time you’re dating him as a grown man, he’s been living in fear of the hickey for at least ten years.

NOT ONLY do hickeys get you in trouble with your current girl… When NEW CHICKS see them, they know dude’s been messing with some chick within the last couple of days and are likely to back off just when he was about to tap that. No good. πŸ™ Like I said… Only go for this if you’re feeling aggressive and you REALLY want to know what time it is. As a matter of fact, you should be able to TELL HIM you’re gonna put a hickey on his neck and see “the fear of God” well up in his eyes! HAHAHAHA πŸ˜€

Sometimes, you can tell he has a girl if he’s, um… well… if he’s a Two Minute Brotha. If he’s in and out faster than ordering a burger from Jack in the Box, he’s PROBABLY not very concerned with your sexual satisfaction and saving his energy for when it counts. (Read: With His Girlfriend)

OTOH, if he’s layin’ up in the cut like as if it’s the last scene of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, you might be his best girlfriend after all! πŸ˜€

Good Luck Out There! πŸ˜€

Join the Conversation


    1. hey bill… me again… wow, i will defenetly follow this!.. great article!!! πŸ™‚ thanks!

      1. You’re welcome, Karina. πŸ™‚

        It’s amazing how many women swear up and down that they’re in exclusive relationships and they’re obviously not.

        Basically, it’s worth the risk of getting caught by one of them to make EVERY gal you’re currently dating believe they’re the ONLY girl you’re currently dating.

        If she finds out and bounces, you still have more chicks. Until that time, she gave you everything she had, instead of holding out to try to blackmail you into a relationship.

        1. I don’t know if he has a girlfriend. I cant’ tell but me and him are in a relationship and he called his ma on the phone and let me talk to her and let his ma know that he wants her to meet me. I met his bro and his boys and his nephew but he does not take me out like that that much. he mostly invites me over after 9. He says he has to work at rent-a-center from 9am to 7:30pm because he assistant manager. He also wont add me on his fb page because he said after I did when he had a twitter he won’t add me. but we txt everyday sometimes all day. he asks me how I am if I’m hurting if i been eating cause of my condition. I don’t know can you help me

          1. Hi, Pamela. πŸ™‚

            I don’t know that you need any help.

            If you doubt whether he works at the store, hang out near the store at 9am and at 7:30 pm to see if he actually spends his time there, and whether a chick picks him up from work when he’s done.

            It’s good that he has you talking to his mother, because if anybody’s going to spill the beans about him dating anyone else, it’s going to be his mother.

            You’ll really be able to tell what time it is on special days, Christmas, Thanksgiving, 4th of July, New Year’s, his birthday… If you’re not invited to those events, you’re probably second-string or worse.

            1. Question y do guys act like the new girlfriend he’s with get on his nerve but when he’s asks about what’s going on he beat around the bush and never says her name always mentioning her as a noun as she r her what’s day about

    1. I love your writing,

      Ok here is my situation,,,,,English its not my first language so,,,,sorry for some misspell words,,,,,

      I met this guy at a art exibition, very arogant but cute,,,,I ignored him the whole night,,,, and then I got a call from him the next day inviting me out,,,,, I am a single mom,,,,,,I told him about it thinking since he is a player this may scare him away,,,,,, he insisted, I said no because I was busy,,,,, he insisted,,,,So I decided to go out with him,,,,,,, our first date he told me his friends had come down to visit from his home town and that if it was ok if we went out together,,,,,,So we did and he introduced me to his friends and we all end up having a great time,,,,,,, we went out in another date,,,,,,and then his brother came down from his home town and he ask me to go out and wanted me to meet his brother,,,,, I ended out taking his brother out with my brother horse back riding and zip lining had a blast,,,,,,he met my brother and he kept calling him brother in law but I am not even his girlfriend,,,, so then he ask to meet my son and we just went out this past week,,,,, he was so nice to my son very patient and friendly and loving,,,,,,, I am so confuse though,,,,,,,, Background in this guy: he is 35, successful and everywhere he goes people treat him with reverence he is a very well known person in the area,,,, for business and for how he always carry beautiful woman with him,,,,, he told me from the beginning no attachments no expectations,,,,,, of all our dates we had only had sex once,,,,,and been out in 5 dates,,,,, he doesn’t call much only texts,,,,,, we usually go out in the beginning of week not on weekends,,,,,, and all of this brother and baby and meeting stuff has happened in only 5 dates,,,,,, he knows that family its very important to me and when we are together he makes comments on how he wants a big family and how he sees this qualities on me,,,,,, I don’t know if he says all this things why doesn’t he show more interest on daily basis,,,,,,,,

      1. Thanks for the compliment, Jan πŸ™‚ And thanks for the comment… I’m sure I can READ LESS in your language than you can type in MINE! πŸ˜€

        WOW! You have an extremely complex situation here. You are lucky because you have so much information about him in so little time. Most women have ZERO information about the guys they’re dating and then act surprised when they find stuff out. You have a head start in this situation…

        The number of dates isn’t as important as the amount of time spanned by those dates. Here in NYC, I could take a chick out on 5 dates in one week. I’ll assume that you’re saying you’ve dated him once a week, so that you’ve had sex with this guy one time in about a month’s time.

        In the context of this particular post, I would say he has at least one “girlfriend”, or rather at least one other chick to have sex with, since it doesn’t seem like he’s trying to have sex with you. He obviously has access to women, so there’s no reason for him to “go without”.

        As far as your being a single mom, there’s nothing scary about that except for the amount of time that you spend with your son. Women having kids, jobs, etc is only a set of obstacles which lessen your access to her. Also, unless a guy is planning to marry a gal and pick her and her son up as his financial responsibility, it’s a complete non-issue. It’s like ordering a car with power windows or the kind you have to roll down with your hand. It’s still a car.

        Having said that.. It’s good that he’s friendly towards your son and your brother. I find the “in-law” statements odd since he’s apparently only been dating you for two months and has only physically been in your presence six times in eight weeks. That may indicate that he sees something special in you that he doesn’t see in other women??? or it might be his regular style of endearing himself to gals he’s courting.

        Texting instead of calling is no big deal. I don’t call people, like EVER! πŸ™‚ I have a particular message, I send it and I forget about it. No time wasted finding numbers and dialing and waiting for the rings and then hearing the answering machine then leaving a message… Nope!.. Also, if he’s in meetings a lot, you can’t use your phone anyway, but you CAN text.

        The weekend thing is a definite red flag if that’s his idea and not yours to not go out on the weekends. This is assuming he works on weekdays and doesn’t work on weekends. Guys normally want to spend their “time off” with their best girlfriends. If he’s inviting you out on weekends and you’re declining, that’s one thing. If he’s mysteriously “not available” to you during days when he appears to have nothing to do, that’s most likely the time he’s spending with other women, IF he’s seeing other women.

        Overall, this sounds like a good and fun situation. The only thing I would suggest is that you ask him one time when you’re face to face with him why he’s interested in YOU as a person. It’s already been established that he can “get girls”, so it’ll be important for you to understand why he’s courting you and whether what he says he wants is in your best interest.

        The only red flag I see here FOR YOU is his “big family” statement! hahaha Good Luck with THAT! πŸ˜€ hehe The next five or six years might be veeeery looooong for you… Nine months at a time! πŸ˜€

        1. Thank you for your reply,

          Talking about hickeys, I made one on him the other day and he didn´t say anything…. By the way I am curious to see what frank has to say on my post…..

          I guess to find out what its going on its to just ask him,,,,but see then we fall in the category of defining what are we. wouldn´t it be too soon. I mean why introduce me to his friends, brother and meeting my son, this things are not necessary if you don´t care for that person. what do you think. Sometimes I get this feeling where he feels lonely and he wants something else, but he´s also afraid to let go of his great life style….. woman, power, money and been kissed on the ass everywhere he goes. I mean he is in a position many man would like to be…… He says that he is attracted to me because he finds me very intelligent, I also don´t call him at all and try not to text him either too much, I don´t want to be clingy. But bottom line I don´t want to be manipulated please help me.

          1. hmmmm… I will admit to having had to re-read your post a second time and quite honestly I would have to agree with Mr. Cammack… Yours is probably not the only cushion his pin is being jabbed into. As for the hickey thing, my only question regarding that is where and how bruised? I had a young lady attempt to do that to me when i was younger and it was quite easy to hide because her attempt to mark the territory landed below the collar line of any shirt i owned. I was able to convince the next chick that she was responsible since she did not see it on me beforhand.

            If his friends and family think he is single but dating, introducing you to them is not that big a deal. I was a single dater for many years and my friends and nephew would be friendly to whoever i had with me me but they neither invested too much emotional time with her AND did not ever mention that Lucy was tuesday, Mary was thursday and the new one was just the friday/saturday piece. And meeting kids… I have casually dated many women with kids and I met many of them. Being nice to them was second nature only because i knew that in order to get sum that night i couldn’t have mommy worried that the vibe between me and the kids was less than stellar.

            And another perosnal aside… I am positive that I was so in love with my lifestyle that 1)a girl or two wound up feeling used because i didnt retrurn the emotinal investment that they put in and 2) i probably maybe walked away from the woman i should already be divorced from.

            As for asking only leads to defining… Maybe you need to define! I would think it would be easier to know up front that Im very attracted to you but dont see myself settling down than to have ou thinking you arethe one who can change me.

            BTW: by not calling him and relying on text as a form of communication, you are allowing the game to get away from you. If you want to pin him down with out asking…PICK UP THE PHONE AND CALL. he either has the time to give you or he is busy enough that he cant enetertain you at the moment. At some point one of the 2 of you will have sum questions or explanations to give.

            But yeah, i think u are one of at least 2. Sex is sex and if im not getting from you… Im getting some where!

              1. Thank you guys,,,,,,You are the best at this stuff,,,,Tell it how it is,,,,,

                Maybe I should just move on,,,,, I don’t even know where we stand,,,,, and how do I handle it,,,,, how do I tell him that I am cutting my losses,,,,,,

                Take care guys

                1. Jan,

                  Frank laid it down… AS USUAL, hahaha… with the candor that most people don’t want to think about or even believe exists.

                  The bottom line is “game is game”, and there are so many variations that it’s almost impossible to predict when someone’s gaming someone else unless you’re actually THERE when the game’s going down and your own sensors are going off saying “This person right here is full of it!”.

                  So, I honestly don’t have an opinion on whether he’s gaming you or not, but I guarantee you that guys with access to women enjoy the human touch. If he’s not getting it from you, he’s getting it from someone else. Case Closed.

                  Having said that.. From what you’ve written, you seem to be in an unique position situation. He may very well be telling you the truth that he finds you extraordinarily intelligent amongst the women he dates. He may be telling the truth that you’re more of the “make a family with her” type, and they’re more arm-candy, show-off-around-town, hit-it-N-quit-it types.

                  If this is the case, that he does find you special, that doesn’t mean he’s going to be monogamous with you at this point in y’all’s relationship. As a matter of fact, he might find your degree of intelligence and civilization somewhat, er… let’s say that the fact that he considers you a more quality woman may be defeating his arousal. πŸ˜€

                  I guess my point is that you shouldn’t take his apparent lack of consistent physical interest in you to mean that he doesn’t see you as the cream of the crop. He very well might. On top of that, he might see you as “Not that type of girl”, and he’d rather take his relationship with you slowly instead of blow it by coming on to you for sex he can easily get from other women.

                  I agree with Frank that your best move is to have “the talk” and rely on your own ability to judge someone’s character when they’re face to face with you as far as what his intentions are towards you, short-term or long-term.

                  I think you’ll feel better about doing that than speculating on your own as far as what he’s doing and deciding to “cut your losses” without hearing what he has to say and letting him know what YOU think and want as well.

                  Good Luck! πŸ˜€

  1. UHM, no hickeys! Single or not Im too old and too dependent on my check to look silly and have my staff view me as silly. and also, YOU CALLED ME BENEDICT ARNOLD after my comments in “how to tell if he is cheating”…

    Dude, you just gave the girls a way to hang all men who are apt to stray. Not that this will affect me!! πŸ™‚ lol

  2. @Frank: hahah Yeah, Yeah… I know! I know! hahaha πŸ˜€

    “It ain’t my fault! (did I do that?)”

    I’ve been on a roll for the fellaz recently, so when I asked the ladies for topics, unfortunately, this was the first good thing I got. I was already thinking about that and was hoping to get over, but “you got it” on this one! hahaha πŸ˜€

  3. Booooooooooo,booooooooo (duck the flying lettuce) booooooo (there comes the tomatoe), boooooooooo, booooooooooooooo (oh and the empty Modelo especial beer bottle), boooooooo…
    Sorry, had to speak up for the silent majority.
    again, not that this would affect me. I learned years ago, to keep everyone in the circle smelling similar. LOL

  4. lolol.. boos Duly Noted and Well Deserved, hahaha! πŸ˜€

    Hey man. Every so often, a brotha needs to sell out and take one for the team (MY team, that is! hahaha)

    “Where does Homey sign?” πŸ˜€

  5. while i full-heartedly agree with what you are saying, you are basically advocating girls to be…how to say it nicely…psycho…with a new guy who very well may be busy/workaholic/enjoys the gym a lot. honestly, as a guy if you just started dating a girl who was wearing a ridiculous amount of perfume, intentionally got lipstick on your really expensive shirt you wore especially to take ger to tavern on the green, or she left a hickey (sorry, trashy) the guy is probably gonna dump her, right? so, i think you would have to use these tactics at your own risk.

  6. @Ces: Excellent point. πŸ™‚

    Not only should these tactics be used at her own risk, but as a last-ditch effort.

    This is really geared towards females whose “women’s intuition” has just completely and utterly FAILED THEM, and they find themselves getting played out by guys left and right. πŸ™‚

    In the best-case scenario, she trusts him and he trusts her and live is lovely. A lot of my DatingGenius material is specifically designed to help people think outside of the box when it comes to their relationships.

    Most of the time, a woman’s her own worst enemy, because she gives her man too much credit when he gives her a title, like “girlfriend”. When she accepts this title from him, she starts wishing, hoping and praying that everything’s gonna be cool with him, so she starts blinding herself to potential realities.

    It’s not so much that the guy is lying to her as she doesn’t *REALLY* want to SEE what’s going on. OF COURSE he’s tapping her sister while she’s working the late shift… but if she faces up to that, she has to deconstruct her own relationship and realize that her man isn’t who she made him out to be.

    So, I agree with you that in this instance, I’m suggesting that chicks become proactively “psycho”. πŸ™‚ Unfortunately, in a lot of cases, they go psycho ANYWAY, because they can’t figure out how time after time, they get cheated on and in the BEST case dumped, and in the WORST case, catch some kind of permanent disease.

  7. Ok Ladies, there is a difference to being proactive and just crazy! I agree, once I tell you u are my GF, there is a good chance you will ease up BUT why not be proactive up front! If I call u from work at all times except after 5, well then I might just not be at work. If I always say oh sorry I didn’t hear the phone…but im returning calls as I “walk to the store”…hmmmm….You may actually just be my shawty and NOT my gf.

    Psycho only happens when all this was obvious but your platinum laced, diamnond encrusted parts didn’t work.

    Fellas, amp up the game stop being cheap. My favorite womans perfumes are Escada Blue, Cool water for her, Cashmere-ALL LIGHT SCENTS. Also, all scents which would blend into my colognes of choice EASILY (Dieasl, Jean Paul, Gucci Blue). So if you are prone to this behavior (and no in mot πŸ™‚ )stop being cheap and start giving gifts that ensure max returns (wht GF/shawty don’t like gifts) with minimal headache.

    GF: Sweety whats that I smell on you?
    BF: oh, i wore this shirt last week when we went out, haven’t washed it yet. I know but smelling it kept you on my mind all day.

    enjoy. πŸ™‚

  8. Preach!… PREACH!! πŸ˜€

    Good tips. My gift-game isn’t sharp, ya HEARD? πŸ™‚ The Kid likes to give the gift of Oxytocin! πŸ˜€

    I bought my ex these BAD-ASS snakeskin leather pants… DOPE! Yum Yum Yum!!!… Got to enjoy them for ~ 6 months until she put those extra couple of inches on those thighs (the way I like it) and couldn’t fit them anymore, hahaha.

    Next time, PERFUME FTW!!! πŸ˜€

  9. and don’t forget. if you are into a gf AND a shwaty…
    (repeat after me)
    “I will take two of those perfumes, seperate bags please.”

    Can’t be accused of having a gf if YOU smell like the accuser!

  10. Asabi: Im only speaking from what I have heard and observed… Please keep in mind that “any of above information does not represent the views or beliefs of any individual associated with this blog, both creator and respondents”…
    just saying.

  11. loL. I try… πŸ™‚

    meant to put a πŸ™‚ at the end of my disclaimer! not too swift with the typing though…

    all in good fun.

  12. Im leasing with an option to buy…
    BUT seriuosly (and Bill, maybe this could be your next blog) WHY DO WOMEN FIND IT HARD TO HEAR THE TRUTH?

    Asabi: I know what I said was descriptive but trust… I know many men who have applied said nonsense to elevate their game to new levels. I know men who have given the SAME gift to several woman (I will confess to having done it when I was younger), what better way to keep track of that convo? Hey, did you like that _____?
    The perfume thing? True story! I know a few.
    A group of 7, we always had one saying to describe the hunt; In a city full of deal closers, we are the best closers in the game! Some still live by that motto and others (like me) have moved on. BUT keep in mind, should this relationship falter…
    Yeah it sounds dirty but take notes. Don’t let it happen to you or your friends and we go out of business.

    BTW: If i was to join the team again, or start my own-Mr. Cammack, you could come be a closer with us! πŸ™‚

  13. oh, to be more to the point: I always joke around with my girl about what i could do or get away with. After all, the lie in the game is the TRUTH…
    If i ever say, wow you smell like that chick we had drinks with…
    or (and yes I did this one as well waaaay back-90’s)
    If i ever say, later honey, Im going to my shawty. Don’t laugh because the truth will probably be…

  14. @Frank: Thanks for the invite, man. πŸ™‚ ‘Matter of fact, I was writing “Pecking Order / Play Your Position” while you were leaving this comment. πŸ™‚

    As far as women not wanting to hear the truth, they DON’T, so hopefully, they’ll come here, read something that they might not like… but that might be *TRUE* in their situation and open their minds to the possibilities of what may have already happened to them or hopefully prevent some wack ish from happening to them because now they can see things more clearly. πŸ™‚

  15. So, after reading all these comments I felt a slight need to defend women who don’t “find it hard to hear the truth”. Obviously no one meant that ALL women find it hard to hear the truth. My question is, if you as a guy know a girl is not picking up on your clues do you have a moral obligation to be a little more direct with her? And furthermore, if she isn’t picking up on your cues, maybe they aren’t as obvious as they seem in your head. A girl might be trusting that you are really busy, when in fact you just aren’t exclusive with her. What obligation does a guy really have (I guess this goes for girls too) to make sure someone you are seeing understands the circumstances of the ‘relationship’?

  16. @Ces: hehe Frank’s not talking about truth INSIDE relationships. He’s talking about truth ABOUT relationships.

    I posted about Truth & Relationships in March => “Truth vs. Relationships”.

    What we’re saying is that when guys tell THE TRUTH about what guys do that women don’t have a clue about (like the PERFECT example of buying all your girls the same perfume, so you can’t get busted that way), women (not all, of course) don’t want to believe it and refuse to open their minds to the possibilities that are being explained to them.

    For instance, a friend of mine is messing with a musician. She explained his lifestyle to me and I informed her that a) she’s not his main girlfriend and b) he can get more girls on every tour stop his band makes, so he has ZERO INCENTIVE to commit to HER. Her response to that?… “So… How can I GET him to commit to me?” πŸ˜€

    The way she can do it is to be BETTER than every single other girl he has access to. Good luck with THAT! πŸ˜€

  17. @ces thanks for sticking up for us women that can handle truth. I’m not going to knock anyones hussle and I’m only feigning shock really. I’ve been around enough to have been the gf, and the “jumpoff” if you will and not much about the minds of men surprises me now. It would be nice to think that most of the men who read this will disagree with the whole idea of cheating tricks(no pun intended) but instead I’m sure they are actually taking notes.
    For those men I have a note for you. GROW UP !!

  18. @Asabi: Agreed, haha… In a perfect world, everyone would be nice to everyone and have the same beliefs and get along famously.

    I’m not suggesting that the concepts in my posts are mainstream or fringe, but merely that they EXIST. As long as ONE PERSON opens their mind to the possibilities and lives a better life because they didn’t fall in some obvious trap, that works for The Kid! πŸ˜€

    Meanwhile, there are chicks (and guys) gettin’ played out the pocket left and right. Cheating, divorce and STD statistics are through the roof. Deception’s part of the game. If you don’t want to hear it from your wife that you had a drink with the fellaz after work, you tell her you were working late. She can’t prove it, she’s happy and you’re happy. Business is Business.

    Would she like to believe she’s hearing the truth? Yes. Does it matter? In most cases, no. If she had heard the truth, she would have been mad for a while and then gotten over it. Guys save women that roller coaster ride by keeping information on a N2K basis.

    (Need To Know).

  19. Asabi: yes I have a GF and I actually do joke around with her about things. I have actually walked away from convos with her friends by saying ‘sweety, you getting played’! If any guys are reading and taking notes about the simple pimp move of buying everyone the same perfume, thats all good because you too just read it. Growing up is what many of us have done which is why we can joke about this stuff at this point in life. Yes, I did the buy 4 girls the same keychain from VS once just for the hell of it, but no, I would not do so now! Having done it or been around people who did/do it still, gives me an insight that I have no problem sharing. Buying two chicks the same perfume – Gangsta! hearing “Uh, no honey I haven’t worn it around you yet, why do you smell like that”? – PRICELESS! πŸ˜€

    I do think woman need to listen to the playas in the crowd and ake notes. How ever disgusted you may be, archive what you just heard, it will probably come in handy for you or a friend later.
    I don’t mind giving up some of the basic secrets since im not on the prowl.

  20. I think women are much much muchhhh smarter than what you guys really play them out to be. If you’re buying us chanel perfume do you realllllllllly thing we’re gonna complain and come out and say Oh by the way I know you’re cheating on me, or I know you have a wife.

    If they’re okay with it we won’t let you know that we know, but the second you slip up in your character, that’ll be the reason we’re gone.

  21. Actually, Katie…

    You’re absolutely right. A lot of guys don’t take into account that if they start out one way with a new girlfriend, they have to keep BEING that way or else there’ll be “Consequences & Repercussions”.

    Sometimes, it’s not so much that a guy gets caught as much as he becomes tired of playing it off and he just stops pretending.

    Either way, it’s not good. πŸ™‚

  22. Katie-All that is good except for the the mere title of “how to tell he has a girlfriend”. I was going on the presumption that if you are reading this its because u want to know if he does or doesn’t!
    as for changing the routine…
    absolutely! thats when dudes get got, when they get lazy/complacent/comfortable in their situation. thats why the real players in this game are the same from day one, to day ten, to the first time they got your…, to the last time you bless them. Its them dudes that make reading comments like these FUNDAMENTAL!

    If you are not interested or dont care if another woman is involved, then what i wrote comes acroos like childish gibberish that you would file under “i wish he would! wish he would try that shyt with me!”.

    But i bet I had more “f*ckin’ shyt, thats what happened to me…” moments than not.

  23. @Steve: hahaha I’m just SAYIN… If a brotha goes to the trouble to take care of a chick, PROPPAH, she just MIGHT be a special woman to him haha.

    And.. odds are… if HE’S not… SHE’S not! πŸ˜€

  24. well this is NOT always the case, I found out the guy I’m seing has a girlfriend, even though he gave me his number, sends me texts (I do too), calls me at random times has gone out with me in almost all his days off, has gotten home super late from being out with me and hasn’t even tried to have sex yet (we’ve kissed)… so can you ever really tell?

  25. uhm mari…
    have you been to his place??? (not his manz place, his brothers/sisters/moms place! HIS PLACE?)
    random calls just mean he either in another room or she not home!
    He goes our with you all the time? he either in a relationship thats about to go bust OR he just mad disrespectful-IN WHICH CASE RUN AND DONT TURN AROUND!

    Theres always a way to tell, maybe not immediately but eventually!

  26. @Mari: Thanks for the comment. πŸ™‚

    Your problem is that you’ve fallen for the proverbial “okey-doke”.

    He gave you his number? To what? To a Cell Phone? A phone he carries around on his person? Or do you mean he gave you the number to a physical land-line that stays in a house somewhere? If it’s a cell, you can’t tell JACK because he can keep it with him, hide it, lock it or password protect it. If it’s a land-line, he can’t receive text messages on it, so it’s probably a cell.

    Calling you at random times can be done from when his girl’s in the shower right after he tapped that. When she’s asleep. When she’s at the store. When she’s working… Get it? It’s all in the game.

    How do you know when his days off are? πŸ™‚ Do you work with him? Do you know his supervisor? He’s gone out with you on the days that he TOLD YOU he had off. Does that make sense?

    “Hasn’t even tried to have sex with you” means he’s fucking someone else. That’s a FUNDAMENTAL error that women make. Since y’all think you’re the only ones, you think that if YOU’RE not having sex with him, then the next woman isn’t either. Trust me. It’s a lot WORSE for a chick if “her man” isn’t trying to have sex with her than if he IS.

    So anyway, I hope your situation works out for the best, but nothing you said in your comment has anything to do with my post. The SLICKER person in the relationship will always have the upper hand. They can do what they want, while keeping the other person blind to reality.

    The only way around this is to go out with people that are actually INTERESTED in having only one girlfriend. After that, you have to make sure that YOU’RE the one he wants to be with. Unfortunately, this is 2008, not 1958… Coming home super late and not giving him some isn’t gonna put you ANYWHERE NEAR #1 status.

    Good Luck! πŸ˜€

  27. Why even have a gf/wife and just tell girls up front your a playa?!?! Most girls don’t mind playing evens?!? We just don’t wanna be sloppy seconds! I get that most people cheat! Men and women alike but we need to realize people do get hurt emotionally when people play games with others hearts! I’m starting to realize men only get worse as I’ve gotten older! So I’m telling all my girls out there we gotta get in on the game and play the fellas;) remember any dumb guy can be replaced! They want what we got;)

  28. @Crystal: You’re absolutely right. “Any dumb guy can be replaced”. Any guy, PERIOD, can be replaced. πŸ™‚ Women have to know what “the game” IS before they have a chance of being good at it or effective in their relationship-based decision-making.

    As far as why guys have a main girlfriend and then other women… It’s just not easy for the average Joe to get a woman to do what he wants her to do without promising her something. The easiest way to do that is to fake being in a relationship with her while he actually remains “single” and free to hook up with any other chicks he meets on the fly.

    It’s not fair, and I’m actually going to make a new post about this topic so I can discuss it at length, but that’s the basic deal. The only way to unlock a female’s full potential is telling her you’re in a relationship with her. There are rare situations where women WILL be 110% down for you without you having to bribe/trick them, but that depends on the gal having a specific mentality and world-view and the guy being some kind of extraordinary person who can make it worth her while to spend time with him without any form of committment.

    Thanks for the comment, Crystal! πŸ˜€

  29. the guy had a girlfriend already didnt know. they had been dating 2.5 years but the last 8 months he was living with me and telling her he was taking care of his Mom as to the reason he couldnt be with her alot. He was telling me we were going to get married.
    I bust him with email to her on thanksgiving. He leaves no argument no nothing just told me that he was going over my moms) then moves all his stuff out the next day. find out later he took old gf on two day vacation not more than 24 hrs after moving out from me.
    Dam do I have stupid written on my forehead. The guy was good. He was calling her from the bathroom when he was getting ready for bed. I spoke with her by email and then gave her my phone number. She says she has known and dated him 3 years and the last year he just stopped coming around ut didnt want to stop talking to her when she asked him why he said he just couldnt let her go. ok so HE is not my boyfriend. and no I didnt see the signs but I did notice the sex changed it got less and I asked why what the hell was going on and he had no answer. so that was a sign

  30. @Honey: Thanks for the comment. Sorry I got to it so late. πŸ™‚

    The fact that you got tricked doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re stupid. In fact, that’s the whole reason I write DatingGenius the way I do. It’s VERY EASY to trick women to begin with, AND THEN y’all make it easier by giving guys “a pass” when you believe he’s “The One”.

    The fact that y’all build your lives around a guy makes it easier for him to two-time you, because you DON’T WANT TO SEE what he’s doing. First of all, like you said, “having less sex” is a definite red flag. Sometimes it means he’s just not into how you look right now, your hair, your body whatever. Sometimes, it’s that he’s already getting his “on the side”, and he just doesn’t NEED to hit it when he comes to spend time with you.

    But yeah, that’s one of the points of DatingGenius. If women could OPEN THEIR EYES to how easily they’re tricked, they could start finding some real solutions to their dating and relationship issues. As it stands, most of the advice for women is effective at making y’all FEEL better about yourselves, your looks or your situations, but it doesn’t give you any tools at all that are actually going to be of use against a guy that knows how to manipulate you.

    The best deal is to learn from your experiences, as you clearly have shown that you have with your reply, and take that knowledge into the next relationship and use it as criteria to weed out men, hoping for a better selection next time.

    Good Luck! πŸ˜€

  31. wined dined and fu@@ed literally. Yes I have learned and thanks for this webpage. I cant believe anything men say. Do you know the ration is 10 women to 1 man? Men can have their pick and do. Well back to the drawing board. Question though: I already have a guy I met at a gem show (vendor) he wants to talk on the phone for hours in the morning and at night. What the hell does he want? After this latest fiasco I am not in the mood for bs. Know him for two weeks and have not asked me out, is he using my voice to sexually satisfy himself? I was told not to have long conversations on the phone with me, to be the first to hang up

    (as it stands, most of the advice for women is effective at making yÒ€ℒall FEEL better about yourselves, your looks or your situations, but it doesnÒ€ℒt give you any tools at all that are actually going to be of use against a guy that knows how to manipulate you.)

  32. @Honey: You’re Welcome. πŸ™‚

    Congrats on recognizing that you can’t trust ANYTHING guys have to say to you. That’s only the first step, though. After that, you have to teach yourself how to detect trustworthy men.

    Part of the problem with “advice columns” is that the people who write them are as clueless about the next steps as the people who are reading them. After you destroy one mindset, you rebuild another one that works better for that individual’s lifestyle. Most columnists advocate DESTROY only, such as “If your man’s two-timing you, LEAVE HIM! You don’t have to take that! πŸ™ “… Then, when the woman takes the advice and leaves her man, now, she’s broke, cold, hungry, undersexed, lonely and confused…. but hey… SHE SHOWED *HIM*!!!, right? :/

    It’s possible that he’s “using your voice” for sexual gratification, but guys do that all the time, haha don’t worry about that. If you think that’s what’s up, stop talking to him on the phone and use some kind of internet text chat program. If he complains, tell him you don’t like the phone, you like talking in person. Let’s see if he starts “taking you out”, all of a sudden….. Even if it’s only to “use your voice” for sexual gratification, haha. Hey! You got to see a movie for free and eat at a fast food restaurant, right? πŸ˜€

  33. Honey: “…after the last fiasco Im in no mood for bs…”!
    Could it be he already read your body language and is hoping to break you down slowly by giving you all his time on the phone so you know he must be alone??
    Nothing peronal but guys (the meek and the Apha) have issues with paying for the next mans sins. Is he reading you? Did u tell him?
    More importantly have you figured him out? If that were me and I have knowledge of you recent past (either through convos with you or reading your responses/actions) there would be only TWO ways this would end for you. 1)If i was really feeling you but I knew you couldn’t get past the last moron in your life, I’d make it easy to get past this one. I’d try a little but eventually call it a day. or 2)If yo’ shyt was hot and tight like that, I’d be spending all my time trying to break you down. When my manz and em’ ask if thats me my answer would be “naw, she got too many problems but I done blazed it already!”

    The past is the past. Its somethig you learn from but move on. The mistake many/most/damn it all woman make is that they have their life experience happening to them as we speak but instead of moving forward they sit still and expect ME/NEXT MAN to help move you along. Sweety, you got burned not me and Im too busy learning from my mistakes to walk you through yours.

  34. Well we all have baggage whether we want to admit it or not. I have my fair share and I am sure others do also. We drag this baggage into all relationships that we make casual or romantic. These comments are a great look at how very diverse peoples’ thoughts are.
    No he does not know what is going on with me…however I believe he is on the rebound from a failed marriage as he told me last night that this will be the first time he has filed separately in eight years. After being married and then dumped I find that guys try to hook up as soon as possible after the divorce. I think its akin to separation anxiety/or trying to get past the rejection. As of last night, I am being asked to share a main lobster dinner that he will prepare. Should I have him prepare it at my home or his? ok what do you think?
    p.s. the perfume thing holy shit that was an eyeopener for me. Now I am thinking that concept would be great when I fully get back up in the saddle again…yep four key chains from Germany…oh dear I was thinking of you….lol

  35. honey, baggage is just a life that’s been lived. If you’re over 25, ya got some. Period. The best quote I ever heard about baggage (I wish I could remember where I heard it) is, “It’s not about whether you have any, it’s how well you carry it.” WORD πŸ˜‰

    I don’t get why this guys not asking you out to a public place unless it’s something you discussed and agreed to but I’m glad you moved to a “date”. Personally, I can’t imagine a circumstance where I’d invite a stranger to my home on the first date. What if he/she is a PSYCHO! lol

    If you like the attention, go out, his place is a distant second until you know where his head is, meaning you’re sure he’s not all-purpose nuts or gonna spend hours on end crying on your shoulder etc. about his recent problems. Unless that’s what you like.

    I don’t get why he’s hinting at you that he still is or used to be married but I don’t know the context. That’s his own personal biz and has absolutely nothing to do with you, at the moment. Like your stuff is your biz unless you start punishing him for someone else’s faults. It would’ve been cooler if he disclosed his marital ish to you some time down the road when everything was all lovey-dovey between you and you had actually moved to a relationship. At that point you would already know he was handling his baggage because he hadn’t been bringing it up.

    I usually put a lot more smileys in my comments but this one was a little close to home. If I were you I’d be concerned he doesn’t have a handle on his shit. Or enough of a handle on it for your comfort.

    All that being said, go out and have some fun! You deserve it. It may work out, it may not, you may make a friend for life, you may find out his best friend is your soul mate or something. πŸ˜€

  36. @Honey: Yep. Listen to Frank. He has allllll the playboi tips! πŸ˜€ Keychains all around!!! πŸ˜€

    It’s a little simpler, why guys hook up quick after a divorce. Guys like sex. Period. If one chick isn’t going to give it up, she immediately goes on the back-burner, and another chick steps in from the batting deck.

    Another thing is, I could imagine that guys that mess with the same chick over and over and then finally get out of that situation are pretty anxious to try something new.

    It also depends on whether the guy and gal were having sex during the separation, leading up to the divorce. If not, then the reason the guy “suddenly” hooks up with a chick is because he’s been bangin’ her the whole time since you first refused to give it up. He just needed to keep it on the QT until the papers were signed.

    oh… and Play On, Playah about avoiding that Fast Food and stayin’ IN SHAPE!!! πŸ˜‰

  37. Bill,
    Aye Carumba!
    It could be as simple as the guy is used to having someone around all the time (I think it’s called “companionship”) and is just looking for someone else to slot into the familiar role. PERIOD.
    “Another thing is, I could imagine that guys that mess with the same chick over and over and then finally get out of that situation are pretty anxious to try something new.” – how about – The guy could be *anxious* ABOUT trying something new. What if he was having great sex and it was the rest of his needs that weren’t being met? Now he’s gotta pray that he finds someone else with skillz! lol
    I know I just highjacked but I just want to add some dimension here. πŸ˜€

  38. Steve are you and Bill playing good cop bad cop? lol

    Thank you guys for all the different views many heads are better than one (head). Although I know some guys do not get that concept….ha

  39. @Honey: haha Nah, he’s ACTUALLY a Goodie-Two-Shoes, and I’m ACTUALLY a BadBoy, hahaha… Nobody’s *playing* anything! πŸ˜‰

    @Steve: I think you hit the nail on the head! You’re EXACTLY RIGHT!!! πŸ˜€ … HE *IS* “looking for someone else to slot into”! πŸ˜€ That’s a great new term! Thanks! πŸ˜€

    1. Absolutely. Credibility is paramount.

      Fortunately for me, I’m not invested *AT*. *ALL*. in whether someone trusts ME or not. I want people to trust the facts. I want people to trust what happens to them…. Actually… I want people to SEE what happened to them, FACTUALLY. Lots of people see what happened, but don’t get it. They don’t know the range of possibilities well enough to be able to select the most probable cause.

      So I’m not here to tell you “the truth” about YOUR relationship. I’m here to make you aware of POSSIBILITIES that you either weren’t previously aware of OR actively repressed, because you didn’t want to BELIEVE that that’s what happened to you.

  40. That role! THAT ROLE! THAT ROLE!
    Nah, I’m just cursed with an Ego which means I’m living in denial about what my true motivations may be. Ha!
    GoodyTwoShoes – hyphens are for chumps. πŸ˜‰

  41. where to have the lobster dinner??? hmmmmmmmmmmm…
    where do u feel the most comfortable waking up?? lol

    and the whole “..first time in 8yrs…” his way of saying “im single, now come ova, i have this meal i want to feed you”!! πŸ™‚

    as for those perfumes/key chains, i will confess to…

    Nuttin’! even strapped to a lie detector, i can calmy say say I only gave out ONE GIFT that year!! lol

  42. Ask a guy’s female friends if he has a girlfriend. They will tell you. If he doesn’t, but he thinks it’s weird, send him a link to this article.

    Don’t sleep with him until you’re certain he’s not cheating on someone.

    Date guys who are honest and faithful. Break up with ones who aren’t, and tell mutual friends why you broke up, to hasten the whole realizing-he’s-a-liar process. Ultimately, people who put their immediate pleasure before their own integrity are self-sabotaging. You’re just assisting him in this endeavor

    1. Interesting points, Lisa.

      First of all, whether a guy’s female friends will dime him out (drop a dime, rat him out, blow up his spot, cockblock him) or not as far as whether he’s messing with other girls is a function of who he is to them and who YOU are to them.

      If they’re tight with HIM, and you’re just the next chick passing through, you will receive ZERO information, because his girls know that he’s just “doing what he does”. Also, if they’re involved in a circle of TRUST with each other, in most cases, it will be more important for them to maintain that with him than get ejected for “putting his business in the streets”.

      However, most guys aren’t actually TIGHT with the chicks they know, so, for the most part, your advice to ask girls that know him is perfectly valid. πŸ™‚

      That’s a valiant concept, not hooking up with someone until you *know* they’re not cheating on someone, except that assumes two things:
      a) That the girl(s) he’s in a relationship with are known to the public, and
      b) You’re able to find out information about him via mutual friends or Social Media

      If you read my “Guide To Dating The Ò€œInternet FamousÒ€, you’ll realize that in this day and age, the DEEPEST relationships exist OFF THE GRID, ENTIRELY. There’s no video, there are no pictures, no tags, no text blogs, nothing.

      This takes you back to the original problem with finding out a guy’s business. His inner circle MIGHT *POSSIBLY* know who he’s messing with, but that’s only because they’ve seen it with their own eyes or he trusts them with that information. The reason he would TRUST THEM with that information is that he knows they’re not going to tell *YOU*.

      Your sharing-of-information concept is a very good one. I’ve seen that happen in groups I’ve been involved in. People develop “a reputation” which precedes them. That, coupled with the lack of tighness with homegirls leads to not only “having his business in the streets”, but in the extreme cases, his actual NAME becomes synonymous with “dog-like” or promiscuous behavior, hahahaha πŸ˜€

      1. wht if all a sudden guy like u for two years….and within space 5 days didnt answer calllssss does he think ima waste and hell neva go out with me….and is trying to gt over me or is hooked on somone???his liked me for 2 years asked me out a rejected him i dona why though …..i think he eventualy knew i liked him coz i rang him up often bt thought i was neva gona go out with him……………is he trying to gt over me by not piking up calls and tking to his freind thts my freind for like 3mouths now or got a gf? he piked up onece by mistake but ownly spoke 5 mins then said im going fr jog ring bk 30mins he does go for jog everydy though….but i rang bk he didnt pik up i dont know???i open the door he urns away i dont think his playing hard to get … his disapeared many times…and comes back but not this time he dont even call his freind thts close to him coz she knws me wht is this????? his ignoring me for nothing and wont even want to talk to me dont pik up his calls?

        1. Hey Mai. Thanks for the comment.

          Basically, from what you just wrote, it seems to me that you’re lucky that he tried to get on for two years if you kept rejecting him. There must have been something special that he saw in you, because it doesn’t take a guy two years to get a new girl if the one he’s working on isn’t producing.

          You may be right. He may have gotten to the point where he figured you’d never come around and he found someone else to spend his time with who was reciprocating his affections towards her.

          Being that he’s not taking your calls, your best bet is to leave him a voicemail and tell him how you feel and what you want. He’ll respond to that or he won’t.

          Good Luck! πŸ™‚

  43. reply to why he wont pick up….he isnt into you. If he was into you he would be calling you day and night. If a guy is not calling you on a frequent basis he is not thinking of you.

    and i dont mean calling you for bootie calls you know when a bootie call is right? Last minute calls, spur of the moment out of the blue calls, usually late at night when he hasnt anything else to do.

    1. Good point, Tina. It seems like she stalled him so long that he gave up on the idea that she was playing hard to get and just decided she wasn’t worth the time and effort he was putting into her.

      OTOH, It could very well be that he met a girl that all of a sudden gave him everything he wanted from women, and he suddenly found no desire to talk to her anymore. Sometimes, it takes a woman who’s really ABOUT something to open a guy’s eyes that he was chasing a chick that was fighting him rather than getting with the program.

  44. Hey Bro,
    This is a pretty good blog…
    I really like what you have to say…hahahahhah
    I have flirtation going on with this guy and we have been talking every night for 3 hours or more for over two weeks..(skype)
    Is it safe for me to assume…he doesn’t have a girlfriend???

    1. Thanks for the comments, Anita. πŸ™‚

      If you’re kickin’ it with a guy for three hours a night, it’s definitely safe to assume…

      that his girl works the night shift.

      HAHAHA but seriously folks, πŸ™‚ It’s more important that he’s talking to you for that amount of time AT. ALL. Personally, I have a saturation limit where I just don’t want to hear any more chick-stuff. The point being that if he’s kickin’ it with you that long… EVERY day, he’s probably not spending that same amount of time with other chicks, so there’s something about your company that he really enjoys. You may possibly be the closest thing he has to a girlfriend right now.

      But anyway, I’ve seen situations in television shows like Dateline or something where dudes maintained simultaneous families by telling one chick he had a night job and telling the other chick he had a day job. Leave one family in the morning to spend the day with the other family. Leave that family in the evening to go back to the first family. Neither chick was hip.

      So if dudes are pulling off shenanigans like that, 3 hours of conversation a day definitely puts you in the running as ONE of his women, but doesn’t rule any others out.

      1. or, he has a girl that knows he is home and therefore he needs to be near that damn phone when she/if calls. Just assuming of course since many are now going to the cell as their only means of communication. I myself do not have a home landline, soooooooooooo if i was inclined (which im not) to be anywhere but home, i can always run into a bathroom and run the water.

        1. Yeah, that’s what I’m saying. It’s easy enough to kick it with multiple chicks, so long as the total amount of time you spend talking to all of them doesn’t exceed the amount of socialization time you have in one day. πŸ˜€

  45. I wont skype with a guy I have just met. If you want to see me make a trip and spend some gas money.

    My time is valuable, I do not want to sit in front of a computer/on the phone getting to know someone. I want to do that in person.

    There are exceptions though, maybe long distance relationship…maybe. thats iffy also.

    1. Now I ain’t sayin’ she a gold-digga… But she ain’t messin’ with no broke (broke) SHE GIVE ME MOOOO-NEY! πŸ˜€

      hahahaha What’s THAT about? “Spend some gas money?” πŸ™‚ You might need to go back and read Ò€œHard To GetÒ€ vs Ò€œExpensive To BuyÒ€! πŸ˜€ If that’s all it takes to impress Tina, that’s not very selective, haha.

      I hear your point though. It does seem to me that if dude can skype three hours a day with her, he could have gone to see her sometime over the last two weeks, assuming it’s not an LDR like you mentioned.

      Unless… Like *I* said… He’s gotta be home every morning to take care of wifey when she gets off that night shift! πŸ˜€

      1. Bill if I didnt know you better I would be miffed…..Oh please give me a break….spend gas money meant to me….”take the time and put yourself out of your normal routine” you know “make an effort” to see me. Sitting and looking at me for free (no effort expended) on skype is like webcamming.
        Guys get off on visual (webcam, skype), well come see me in person and get off, so I can get off also…lol

        1. hahaha Yeah, so I was playin’ on the gold-digger tip, but you bring up an interesting point..

          It would make sense for a guy to make an effort to physically be in your presence IF he actually intended on messing with you. If not, there’s no reason to waste the time, energy and “gas money” to come see a sistah, Capisce? πŸ˜€

          If he’s gonna get a kiss on the cheek or a hug or some boooo-ISH like that, then he may as well stay home and have his multiple iChat text convos while he’s kickin’ it with you on Skype.

          Having said that, if y’all iz gettin’ y’all’s frizeak izon virtually, that’s another situation entirely. In that case, he DEFINITELY needs to step to the left and break you off something properly, hahaha Nah Meen? πŸ˜€

          1. <>

            so why waste her time on Skype if there is no reason to waste the time, energy and “gas money”? Be honest and tell her that she is a good conversationalist but I am going to screw someone else cause you do not interest me in that way or it appears I cannot get into your drawers quick enough.

            1. We don’t have enough information to know what his motivation is for talking to her that long and that often. We don’t know if he’s local or long-distance. We don’t know what they’re talking about to each other, so there’s no reason to believe he’s leading her on.

              1. I step away for half a day and you start channeling me? Wassup with dat?! πŸ˜€ Get back on the Frank side of the fence!

  46. Anita, I’m with Tina on whether or not he’s got something else going on. You don’t know.

    I can’t see being on the phone for hours on end when I could’ve been in front of the person. Unless, you really hit it off in person then one of you had to go on a biz trip. It would help if we knew your proximity to each other. Also I think over 52 hours on the phone in two weeks, let alone two months, wow! πŸ˜‰

    1. Yeah.. The odds aren’t good in either direction.

      Either he lives near her and refuses to spend physical time with her, opting to spend virtual time with her (not good, if she’s trying to be his girlfriend)…

      Or he doesn’t live near her and it’s an LDR, which isn’t good, because guys are going to tap the closest chick possible.

      It’s also remotely possible that she’s the smartest chick he knows. If that’s the case, he might be supplementing his interactions with women by talking to her and messing with other chicks that he doesn’t want to hear any dialogue from.

      Either way, it’s good for Anita that she’s getting that much light, but it’s essentially meaningless for blocking out other chicks. Assuming 8 hours of sleep, three hours of conversation with her per day leaves another 13 hours a day to kick it with other chicks.

  47. Now I aint saying im a broke n**** but ima “get that azz if i spend cash” n***! Not to be funny but being in front of the person during the flirting stage is only playing with fire. Yes i agree that he should invest sometime (like a neutral Thursday) to be in her presence but the nightly 1/2 hour chat is def essential (anything more than that is useless unless u 15 and pulling an impressive all nighter on the phone). To make time to see this person everyday or every other day, leads to a mix up in signals. He or She wind up thinking its a real relationship with all the perks including sex. Depending on what he thinks about going over 6 times in as many days and getting the sex, you will find urself at some of the other postings on here like “why he wont call you his gf” or “why he dumped you after sex”.

    1. It’s becoming amusing to me how few women realize that the main girlfriend is the one giving up the most sex… or, if not the MOST, the BEST! πŸ˜€

      That’s why you can’t assume anything from a guy talking to a chick three hours a day, when that still leaves him enough time EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. to smack it up, fip it, rub it down… OH NOOOOO! πŸ˜€

      Backstage, Underage, Adolescent… HowYaDoin’? FINNNEEE….

      1. um I do not agree with the statement, “the main girlfriend is the one giving up the most/best sex” the words, “…at the current moment.” should be added to this statement. As we all know the sex changes from bad to good and back to bad or good depending on how long you have been in relationship with someone… no I do not go along with that statement. The longer the relationship its never good every single time depending on the trials and tribulations of life.
        Some guys have “enough” but still want more somewhere else…”grass always greener…” hence the term “cheater” and cheats emotionally “on computer on skype”. If and I said if Anitas friend is talking to her that many hours AND he does have a girlfriend he is emotionally cheating on his girlfriend. But I am getting off subject….

        How to tell if he has a girlfriend? Time will tell you everything you need to know Anita just be patient and wait. He doesnt have to tell you he will show you. …everything done in the dark comes to light eventually OR he is a nice guy who loves your mind, the sound of your voice and wants to talk to you all night and wants to know you for you. (?) Does that sound right?
        You said you were flirting so flirt on girl! If you got the time Keep him hot and bothered and wanting to keep calling and/or get there! Don’t they call that d… teaser? or is that setting the hook? oops sorry that’s another subject.

  48. good post.i like a guy who says he has a gal but sometimes the way he talks to me makes me feel that he does not have a girlfriend and sometimes his talks makes me think getting confused.for instance he is a veggie and does not drink..i recently said am turning into a veggie for someone i like he told me the next day that he ate non veg and he had drinks with his friend….he discusses about his girlfriend with more instance is that we both work for same company but for different dept so while coming home ,as we travel together (while going to office and while coming back home) i didnt talk properly as my mood was day he says my gal has lots of EGO and i have lots of Anger,will we be able to manage..when i said somebody has to compromise he said we both compromise the beginning dats just a month back he used to tell me to meet him on dinner and used to call me…after few days i said dont you have girlfriend dats surprising and next day he announces to me that the gal to whom he proposed 5yrs back accepted him..Now i dont know what to think and what to believe.

    1. Thanks, Smitha πŸ™‚

      From what you wrote, you’re being recklessly LIED TO! πŸ˜€ I mean, recklessly. Whomever’s doing this doesn’t think you’re smart enough to add 2 plus 2. I think the fact that he thinks you’re an idiot is even WORSE than the fact that he’s lying to you.

      Go read “Truth vs. Relationships”. Just because this guy is talking to you doesn’t mean he’s telling you the truth. What you need to do is stop listening to what he says and use your own intuition.

      Apparently, he’s said he doesn’t drink and then he said he had drinks. Those two situations are mutually exclusive, so you have to use your own brainpower to decide whether he drinks or he doesn’t. YOU have to decide whether he’s a vegetarian or he isn’t.

      What you DON’T have to decide is that he’s going to tell you anything he wants to, because there are no consequences or repercussions for him lying to you.

      Women do this all the time, overestimating their relationship to a guy just because he’s trying to get laid. This is a losing battle for me, because women will never get it, apparently. The brainwashing is just TOO GOOD that a guy who’s talking to you wants to be your friend and likes you as a person.

      I find it amazing that literally daily, chicks are confused about why guys do what they do. If y’all would learn to read between the lines, or in this case, read between the lies, it would be really obvious.

      Maybe if women were to concentrate on potential benefits. What’s a guy’s benefit in saying that he’s a vegetarian? Saying that he’s not? Saying that he doesn’t drink? Saying that he does? Saying he has a girlfriend? Saying that he doesn’t?…

      On top of that, even if he’s not lying (which he has to be if he’s making mutually exclusive statements about himself), is this someone you actually WANT to be in a relationship with? Someone who’s liable to say (and therefore, DO) anything at any time and switch philosophies on the drop of a dime? Do you really want to date someone who ALREADY feels free to lie to your face? Do you think this situation is going to get better as time goes on? When? How? Once you’re engaged? Once you’re married? Once you have kids?

      My suggestion is to have a sit-down with this guy and request a discussion about his overall philosophies. WHY is he a vegetarian? WHY doesn’t he drink? WHY does he have a girlfriend? After that, use your own intuition to figure out whether he’s telling you the truth or not and whether you want to keep dating a liar or break North with no delay.

      1. Hi Bill,

        I guess it is easier to keep in mind why guys do what they do when this whole “wanting to get laid” thing is part of your own agenda.

        For example, I like to eat a boiled egg in the morning. And I usually have it with toast and jam. My husband likes it with salt, and sometimes I remember to put the salt on the table, but more often than not I forget it because I don’t need salt on my egg.

        Same thing with getting laid. I realise that this is extremely important for guys, but I have no idea why. It is not important to me. I like sex, but sex as merely a physical pleasure has never interested me that much. If it is just that and nothing else, what do you need another person for?

        Sex as just a physical pleasure is no more exciting than a good meal.
        And eating is something that I can do on my own, if you know what I’m saying…..

        So this is the reason that I sometimes forget why guys do what they do. That they pretend and lie and deceive and invent alter egos and what not just to get something that means so little to me. All the energy spent for just that?

  49. I recently came out of a 6 year marriage & met a guy at a bar in a little island I go to work at. He is a local, my age, divorced(supposedly) & I was out with my friends and him with his. We hit it off & exchanged cell phone numbers by adding ourselves to contacts on each others phone. Everything was great, but it was time to leave when he said”im not gonna call you”. I was surprised and said “well, im not gonna call you either”. Then he said that hed guessed he would have to. Two weeks later he hadnt called & I texted him that I wanted to meet him. We met at the same bar but I pruposedly had my sister meet us later so that we wouldnt sleep together. We decied to meet a few days later and after lots of good wine and conversation, we did sleep together, at my place. This went on for about once a week for 2 months, and he was making plans to go to all this places with me. He seemed to really like me, and me him.Problem, he would nver take me to his house, 2 miles up the street. He would say next time, next time, but next time never happened.Als, hed never spend the night at my house. Hed always leave pretty soon after sex.So about the 5th night, after he left my place, i was pissed and sent him a text saying that i never wanted to see him again. I suspected he had someone else. He never responded. Next day I felt bad, and stupid me called him and told him I regretted it. He said he was shocked. That Id caught him off guard. He said he was never going to callme agin, so if i wanted to see him I’d have to call him. Which I did , about 3 times. He was always distant and cold in sex. The 4th time I called him, he told me he was busy. I never called him again. I know I hurt his pride, and that he probably did have somene else. But did I hurt him emotionaly? Was it too soon to be pissed that he had somene else, or is he playing the ‘im hurt game’?

    1. Hey Penelope. Thanks for the comments. πŸ˜€

      Go see Frank’s Reply for the gritty, honest truth, as usual.

      First of all, if you’ve been married for six years, you’re mad rusty, so anyone that’s decent with their game is going to get over on you. Not only have you been out of the game for YEARS, but you didn’t think you were going to have to get back IN the game, so your skillz are ~ zero at this point. No big deal.. Happens to everyone.

      “I’m not going to call you” is a retarded thing to say to a chick whose number you just booked. Does that make sense? If he’s not going to call you, why take your number? He should have just given you HIS number and had that be that. As soon as he played you out the pocket like that and you still sweated him, you put yourself on the ho stroll.

      Imagine that a guy tries to kick it to a girl and she’s like “I’m not going to have sex with you”, but he still takes her out for steak dinners and to amusement parks and ish. *THAT* guy is a sucker, and she’s going to play him for everything he’s willing to give up AND THEN for everything he’s NOT willing to give up. The female equivalent of that behavior is when a guy basically tells you to your face “You Ain’t Ish”, and you’re like ” Cool… I’ll call you next week! πŸ˜€ “. That means that anything you’re willing to give up, sex, money, turkey reuben sandwiches, whatever, he’s going to take until you stop giving him stuff, and then he’s going to bounce.

      The problem is that guys can “see you coming”. We can tell that you’re desperate or disgruntled in your relationship or just jocking us in general, and then we treat you like a fan. Some guys will be chivalrous about this and treat you with respect, being that they appreciate your accolades. Other guys will see you as a MARK and see what they can get out of you.. Money, Apartments, Cars, Fetish-Based Sexual Acrobatics, whatever.

      As far as the topic of this post, you can rest assured that he has AT LEAST one other chick, that chick’s giving it up to him on the days that you’re not, and he’s at least dating her, potentially living with her and possibly MARRIED to her.

      My suggestion is to meet guys through your good girlfriends so that there are some forms of checks & balances and you have a percentage chance of learning whether you’d like to date this guy or not before you even lay eyes on him.

      My other suggestion is to stop meeting guys in bars & clubs, because guys expect HOES to be available in bars & clubs. Not HOES meaning “Women that choose to have sex with guys that they like, based on their own personal decision-making and power”, but HOES meaning chicks that are randomly, easily and cheaply (if not for absolutely FREE) available for sex to just about anyone that offers it to them. I would call that “Community Property” and Frank would call that “The Group Slide”.

      Believe Me.. You don’t want to be “that girl” that becomes known as the easy lay, AND whatever you did with that dude, he probably told everybody else he knows already, so don’t think your intimate details haven’t been divulged.

      So.. Stay away from guys you meet in bars and stick to guys that your homegirls recommend to you PERSONALLY, and you should have a better time going forward than you did with this dude that saw you wanted to give it up, took it, and doesn’t care any more about the situation at all.

      1. You know what, this is my public apology-I am very sorry for the way in which i presented my words. After further review I must admit that I was a little ruff in how I laid out my opinion.
        First let me start by saying that I completely disregarded the fact that you had been out of the game for 6 years. Where as I live in the moment I should have taken into account the fact that you have had no reason to be “aware” for so long. Again I do apologize for “how” i said it but I fully stick to the point and the spirit of what i said.
        I am by no means an expert in the field but I know the game from a males perspective and i know the effects of the game from being raised by a single mother and having an older sister. while most guys run their game and go on to brag about it, I have had the privilage of being home and witnessing how that one dudes glory was the females misery. So, again, I am quite sorry for having been blunt but I do hope you understood what i was attempting to say.

        1. Yeah. That’s the problem, man. When people get involved in these LTRs and then get back in the game, it’s like when dudes come out of jail rockin’ Members Only jackets and wondering why people are looking at them funny… Or trying to pick up chicks with TKA songs… you know?

          “Those tears on my pill-looooow are ALL BECAUSE OF YOU-OOOOOOO…”

          Which reminds me I should go dig out my footage of KL in concert from a few years back when I first started videoblogging that I never posted.

          Anyway… It’s tough, because you get used to how ONE PERSON acted towards you and then you get thrown in with the sharks, who are all to glad to take advantage. At least he didn’t go the gigolo route and juice her for cash.

          But yeah, it’s tough when people get in the mindset of they’re going to spend the rest of their lives with someone and then that doesn’t happen. It also makes situations like this tougher because when women are used to guys that have only one girl (them), they don’t know how to carry themselves around guys that have multiple girls all the time. They just can’t fathom the mindset that he’ll take what you have for him and not think anything else about it other than “Damn… That ish was good”.

  50. My take on this is that it sounds like he tried to be faithful to someone he is seeing or living with and fell off the wagon, it was good for awhile but then realized he aint leaving home.. And it doesn’t really matter what the reason is he wont leave, the fact is he doesn’t want you bad enough to leave. Do you really want someone who doesnt really want you? of course I could be totally wrong in my thinking as I am sure Bill will tell me shortly. and….Bill
    the guy from Ca flew to Az to see me flew in sun at 2pm flew out mon at 3pm. He had lied about his height, his 5ft 11 was more like 5ft 5 and he was older way older than what he said. what a joke. I asked him didnt he think I would notice the discrepancy? I believe he was a married man just acting out…lol
    p.s. no he did not stay with me in my home but at a hotel…(I would suggest this for all women) and no he didnt get lucky as I was pissed. I hate liars.

    1. I’ll reply directly to Penelope’s post, but as far as your situation, I talked about lying about height, etc in “It’s All In The Game (Online Dating)”. Nobody cares about telling you the truth. It’s all about getting laid. If you said your requirements are 5’10”, he’s going to be 5’11” or six feet tall and deal with the consequences once you see him in person. The hope is that he can “put you under” before you see him so by the time you do, you are so into his personality and how much he COUGHloves_youCOUGH that you give it up anyway.

      Keep your eyes on the prize. Stop excepting guys to tell you the truth. Expect them to tell you whatever they need to so they can tap that.

  51. Im sorry Bill, I really tried to wait on your response BUT…

    Penelope: “I know I hurt his pride… But did I hurt him emotionaly? … or is he playing the Γ’β‚¬Λœim hurt gameÒ€ℒ?” ARE YOU SERIOUS?? This dude tells u upfront he wont call you!! So you called him (strike one). You cant go to his place but he can come tap dat azz at yours (strike two). Then you appear to finally snap out of it and say no more but you call him again (STRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIKE 3). If this was a baseball game you would have been struck out with 3 straight fastballs down the middle, no curves needed! oh wait, sweety this was a game. he may have a wife he may not! He may have a gf, he may not! He might actually be divorced but his kids live with him, they may not! The fact is that he found a piece that had her own place… honestly I would never be mad at him. He is a guy, game pours out the pores!
    The real concern here was that you were willing to play along. Sweety, the minute he told you he wouldnt call you should just have said “oh, ok. nice meeting you”. If I reversed this and put myself in that position where some girl tried to high post me with if you want to call thats on you Im not calling… I would have been back at the bar the next week flirting with her friends and her waitress/bartender (even if i had a different one). As a guy, we are aware of the fact that every situation is potentially not gonna end the way it started. You and woman in general would get further if you just understood that every situation should be viewed with extreme caution from the beginning and not when you suddenly feel something later! if you take into account that all guys want to get in your panties and we will do whatever it takes, the minute he said he wouldnt call your spider sense should have gone off.

    Tina: “…he tried to be faithful…” uhm, yeah im not seeing that. Its more like having a side piece was the enjoyable move until said piece started acting crazy by texting, immediately after having gotten got, that she would no longer be calling AND then calling the next day. If he was going home to his REAL comapnion, that text had the potential to make his home life miserable. So in true male/playa fashion he started cutting the loose ends. Got it a couple more times and realized it was no longer worth the headache of going home late.

    1. Well I didnt want to tell her what you told her so bluntly…lol but what you said is true if you keep throwing it in their face they are going to screw it…and he told her he wasnt going to call (didnt want that phone call on his phone) smart man.
      I like the “she started acting crazy” by texting yeah texting does get people in trouble just look at the Mayor of Detroit…I like your statement”realized it (the pus) was no longer worth the headache of going home late.” lol

  52. So true – women always throw out their relationship status in a conversation when they are not directly asked. Guys don’t do it nearly as much. Women associate more importance to being in a relationship, methinks.

    1. “Women associate more importance to being in a relationship, methinks.”

      I don’t think that the importance people place on being in a relationship has anything to do with this behaviour.
      A close friend of mine once told me that whenever he meets a woman for the first time, he makes sure to mention his wife within the first 15 minutes of their conversation. This way, he signals that he is spoken for so that she does not get her hopes up and knows that they can be friends but not more.
      It is just the way decent people behave. And the fact that more women behave like that probably means that there are more decent women than men.

      1. I always paraphrase what Chris Rock said… something to the effect of “A man’s going to be as faithful as his options”. Since your friend isn’t interested in messing around, it’s in his best interest to mention that he’s spoken for. He can’t afford for the chick to climb up on him for instance and then his wife or one of her friends sees this and accuses him of doing something with her. This can be easily avoided by saying up front that he already has someone.

        However, you also said your friend is MARRIED. There are lots of guys that have girlfriends and kick it to whatever other girls they want. There’s no reason to bring up significant others except as a defensive move, which is what your friend was doing.

        Women tend to be more defensive because y’all have to be. Guys are the aggressors and women, for the most part, decide to accept or reject guys’ advances. The gals are going to be much more prone to blurting out that they’re involved with someone as a preemptive strike against the guy asking her out or something.

  53. πŸ™‚ uhm…

    Ok, dont judge me on this…LOL

    I am not married nor have I ever been BUT I ahve said to woman that I am married. Why?? Because in certain situations Im not interested in anything more that that nights “activity”. Its been my experience that if a woman wants to get with you, it dont matter if you are married or not. saying that I am married means that I dont have to call tomorrow, I dont have to make time for you. Im married… I dont have anything to offer you other than that immediately available time. You with it or you not…

    tahdah………. hearing a man say he is married doesnt impress me because many of us have done it to limit the development of future drama. πŸ™‚

    1. 100% Correct.

      There are two strategic reasons why guys would say they were married when they aren’t. The first one is what Frank stated, which is that it’s an indication that all they can get is LAID, period. Forget about the pipe dreams about actually “being together” or “Where is this relationship going?” or any other nonsense. Take it or leave it. Get down or lay down. You can ‘get it’… and you MIGHT be able to get it again in the future, depending on how this event goes down. Anything outside of that’s off-limits. Stay here and keep kickin’ it with me or break north so I can talk to some other chick that’s interested.

      The second reason is that lots of women are treacherous and will SPECIFICALLY TARGET guys that are spoken for in some capacity, boyfriend, husband, whatever. The point being that the fact that this guy HAS a steady girl means he’s the TYPE of guy to have a steady girl, and that’s what she’s looking for. She knows if she trumps his current girlfriend/fiancee/whatever, she can become at least his goomah and at best replace his girlfriend entirely. The reason you would use this technique is if the chick seems like she’s on the fence and she seems like the type to come after you for that reason.

      1. LOL. I even wore a ring on a chain around my neck because as you noted, some woman like that! Some woman are really into getting married/commited dudes. and dudes are into getting a girl who want to be got!! lol

        1. Yeah. I haven’t employed that style too much, almost not at all, hehe.. but turning your college ring around so that it only shows the band part works just as well! πŸ˜‰

  54. it seems like you really don’t know what your talking about, maybe that works on white women since thats all you seem to be interested in, maybe you hate yourself cause it sure seems like you hate your women, it shows in all your pictures.

    1. Very original, “Sha”. *yawn*. Feel free not to leave ANONYMOUS comments if you want to be taken seriously.

      I’ll entertain your corny statements however. Please inform me why things that I have to say would “work on white women” as opposed to any other women.

      What is it that YOU THINK about white women that makes you think that things work differently on them?

      Next, don’t worry about what kind of women I’m interested in unless you’re a fine chick that’s trying to give me some, in which case you can email me your pictures and I’ll decide whether I want to meet you or not. πŸ˜€ Use it or lose it. The only right you have to be upset with the chicks I spend time with is if they’re blocking YOUR game up, which, obviously they’re not, because all of my friends have real names, which means you’re not one of them.

      Third, you have no idea who I am. Therefore, you don’t get to say who “MY” women are… Capisce? Does that make sense to you, “Sha”?

      Apparently, it’s still the year 1964 where you live… or maybe 1664. Get over it and find something progressive to do with your life instead of leaving anonymous as well as irrelevant comments on people’s blogs. πŸ˜€

      And, for your information, I LOVE my girls, because THEY love ME. And they know who they are. πŸ˜‰

      WE get to define who “WE” is. Period. Not you or anybody else.

      Thanks for the comments! πŸ˜€

  55. As usual I must tip my cap to YOU!! To even entertain that nonsense takes some serious level headedness that many dont have!! Pero mira cono, a decir que mi amigo Bill solo le gusta las blancas por que no pude con las demas… LOL

  56. Ok, I have a situation here. My ex and I work together and we broke up summer of 2008 because we were worried about our jobs. Well in April of this year he started to pursue me again and wanted to hang out again. I really didn’t want to but my boss entered four of us into a golf tournament and I’ve never played golf before. I asked tons of my friends and none of my friends know how to play golf, so he suggested that he would teach me which was fine. Because we were spending time together I was entertaining the thought about getting back together with him. He apologized about what happened last summer and said “Don’t you believe in God’s timing?” I still was leary of it. I’m a really strong Christian and he says that he is but I don’t see anything in his life to show for it. Anyway we made a decision that we wouldn’t date or talk about dating again until one of us would quit our jobs. Well, I don’t like my job too much so I’ve been looking for one. We talked and we agreed that if one of us was going to date someone else that we would tell one another about it. Well for about a month or so now I have had this feeling that he was seeing someone. He was receiving 40 text messages a day. Guys don’t text other guys 40 messages a day. So I asked him if he was seeing someone and he told me I was assuming I was. Then a few weeks ago I was out to dinner w/his sister and he walks in with “his date” and his daughter. The waiter ended up seating them two tables behind me. I felt so uncomfortable and lied too. Anyway I went outside and his sister came outside too and we talked for awhile. His sister didn’t know that we had dated the summer before. But she was telling me that he had been seeing this girl for about a month. During which he was telling me he cared about me and wanted to be with me. My thing is I don’t understand why doesn’t he tell me he is dating someone when I ask him? Every time I do, he just says I’m assuming things and I’m being emotional. If he was honest with me, I would be a little disappointed but I would be happy for him, but now I feel like he is lying to me. The girl has even come to our work in the parking lot. (And no I wasn’t spying on him…I have a mutual friend that works in the same building and we were talking one day-when I needed to vent and she saw him talking to this girl.) There is no purpose in playing me, because he isn’t getting any from me and wont’ because I’m waiting to have sex until I get married. So that isn’t even an option for me.
    Why would he lie about it to me? He is just confusing me.

    1. Hi Stephanie. Thanks for the question. πŸ™‚

      Unfortunately, I think you answered your own question at the very end of your comment. πŸ™‚

      This is going to sound retarded to you, but bear with me, I’ll try to explain my point..

      If you’re not giving him any, you’re not actually his girlfriend.

      You said the guy walked into the restaurant with his daughter. This means that he’s had sex at least one time in his life. This means he knows the difference between having sex and not. Guys who have had sex generally like it and want more of it. Women who consider themselves “dating” men, yet aren’t giving them any are setting themselves up to be two-timed. If a guy’s not getting something “at home”, he’s going to get it somewhere else. Period.

      Having said that, it sounds like he wants to start spending intimate (non-sexual) time with you again, so there’s something about you that he really likes, and he’s probably willing to stick with you until y’all actually get married and you finally give it up. In the meantime, he’s got to make sure he can get laid. This is why he needs to keep his girlfriends on the DL (from you, at least… You see he has no problem going out on the town with them in public). He has to accomplish two things… make you believe that he’s your boyfriend until you get married and get laid without losing you before you get married.

      This is why I’m saying that women that aren’t having sex with their men don’t actually have any position with them. He might like your personality, way of being, looks, smile, sense of humor, sensuality, poise, all that good stuff, but the bottom line is that if some other chick wants to give him some, he’s gonna take it because why not? You won’t know the difference either way because you’re not having sex with him. Next thing chicks know, a guy gets tired of sneaking around behind her back with chicks that he enjoys having sex with and dumps the main chick out of the blue.

      Speaking of dumping, now that you’ve said you haven’t had sex with this guy, I find the excuse to break up with each other because of work to be completely bogus. Why in the world would two people be concerned about their jobs because they like to make out with each other (assuming y’all even make out with each other). You can’t get fired for holding hands and walking down the street or dancing together at company functions. It sounds to me like something that I would say to break up with a chick that I wanted out of the way so I could start having some other chick I was dating come to my job. Does that make sense? It’s my uneducated guess that he was already having sex with some other chick, and it got to the point where she wanted more of a relationship with him and it was going to be tough for him to hold the line and tell her she couldn’t come to the job, so he “broke up” with you (or made you break up with him) so he wouldn’t look like a cad when she finally appeared.

      Also, please beware of loosely interpreted religious references such as “God’s Timing”. These are EASY, EASY, EEEEEASY *yawn* ways to get religious chicks to do whatever you want them to do. I wish I would have EVER thought to tell a gal “God told me to break up with you”. Actually, I’m going to try that and see how it works.

      So, here’s my impression of your situation. This particular guy is apparently not a virgin, so you can forget about him dating you exclusively without having sex with other chicks. He may very well consider you to be the BEST gal he knows. Honestly. He may very well consider you to be the ONLY gal he knows that he wants to be together with as BF/GF. He may very well intend on marrying you in the future.. although I wouldn’t count on it with a flimsy excuse for breaking up such as “What about our jobs?”.

      If you’re willing to accept spending time with him as one of the gals he’s dating, this might be a good time for you. You can spend time with him, not have sex with him and everything’ll be cool.

      If what you’re saying is that your goal is to have an exclusive relationship to this guy without sexing him, you can expect him to break up with you every time he has a new opportunity to get laid… or just not tell you.

      Past Junior High School, there’s no such thing as a “girlfriend” that you’re not having sex with.

      Good Luck! πŸ˜€

  57. Thanks Bill for answering this. πŸ™‚ I kind of thought it was pretty stupid to break up because of our job. I never understood that, I thought it was the lamest excuse. If he really cared for me that wouldn’t be an excuse, he would do whatever it took to be with me. He broke up with me after I met his mom at his apartment one night and she told her husband that he was seeing a new girl. And then his dad started asking him questions about me and how he knew me. When he told his dad that we worked together his father advised him not to date someone he worked with, that from his experience being in business that it was best not to and that this job was more important than a relationship with some girl. His dad was a CFO of a major corporation and now is a chancellor of a large university, so I know he respects his father’s opinion very much. It was so weird everything was fine and then the weekend when his mom met me and he talked with his dad, he broke up with me. Who knows if that was a bunch of crap..
    The funny thing is I went to my boss this past summer when my ex-was wanting to date me again and asked my boss his policy on dating coworkers (we only have 10 employees and my ex sits three feet from me) and my boss said that there wasn’t anything in the employee handbook about coworkers dating but that he wouldn’t advise it because it could cause problems in the future, but ultimately it was up to us what we wanted to do. Everyone in the office knows that we have liked each other off an on for the past year and a half.
    And yes you are right if he isn’t get sex from me he will get it from some place else because I now know who he is and that he was just telling me what I wanted to hear. He knows my values and my boundaries and I made that very clear from the very beginning. And yes we have made out before. πŸ™‚ Ha, Ha. I’m not like a little girl on “Little House on the Prairie” Ha, Ha. I’m just glad he showed me who he really was. I honestly don’t care that he is dating someone, I just felt hurt that he lied to me because as friends I thought we were open enough to talk about stuff like that. The only time he has introduced this girl to anyone in his family was the night I was out to dinner w/his sister. His sister says the times she has seen this girl w/my ex has been when he and she (his new gf) was in the car waiting to pick up his daughter from his parent’s house a few times. He never introduces her to them at all. That says to me “booty call”. Ha, Ha. I think it’s hilarious. He is hiding her. If she came to work I wouldn’t care…what does he think I’m going to do make a scene? My parents raised me to be a lady and to be mature…so that is not something I would do. His daughter is from his marriage and his wife died four years ago. His sister says he is very secretive about his dating relationships and doesn’t usually tell them who he is dating. So essentially he is trying to hide his behavior.
    I don’t believe that we were dating this past summer; we were just hanging out as friends. He told me that he cared for me deeply and that he wants to be with me, and hasn’t stopped having feelings for me since last summer and when I told him that I thought it was best after I quit my job that we not be friends anymore…he said that he wished I would reconsider and that he wanted to be in my life. He has made an invested effort to get to know my best friends and family as well. Since I caught him out with this girl it’s been pretty funny at work…he looks miserable.

    I know that you think there is no such thing as a “girlfriend” w/o having sex but I disagree. I just have a different perspective on things and you know what that is ok. I have a biblical perspective and I know that sounds old fashion but that is what I believe. He has his beliefs and I have mine and I’m not changing mine. And he doesn’t have to change his either, he would if he wants to be with me…but honestly the Lord has to do that. I can’t do that and I don’t want to.
    And No I will not be dating him again. We have very different values and wants in life and if he is being secretive about this, what else is he being secretive about. I don’t change who I am in different settings, what you see is what you get.
    I really do appreciate your insight. It makes sense in so many ways. Thanks again..

    sidenote…how do I load my profile photo on here? do i have to have my own website or something?

    1. You’re welcome for the response, Stephanie. πŸ™‚

      To load your profile photo, you have to go to and link a picture to the email address that you use when you post comments here. After you do that, any site that uses gravatars will have your smiling face on your posts! πŸ˜€

      I’d like to expand on what I meant by “no such thing as a girlfriend without sex”. Sure, there are lots of guys that have girlfriends and never have sex with them at all between when they call them “girlfriend” and when they break up. Sucks to be them. πŸ˜€ I wasn’t talking about the title, but actually my point was that you have ZERO LEVERAGE against the next girl showing up and giving your man some if you’re not doing it yourself. Lots of times, this is enough impetus for him to dump one chick and spend his quality time with the chick that’s down with the program.

      I don’t consider a title without leverage to be valid. It’s like a “walk / don’t walk” sign at a street corner. The sign can say “don’t walk” all it wants, but if there aren’t cars coming, people are going to cross the street. The sign can say “walk” all it wants, but if there are cars constantly zooming by, nobody’s going out into the street. A gal can call herself girlfriend all she wants, but it’s worthless if a guy’s just going to dump her for the next best thing as soon as he can.

      Also, to clarify. I’m not saying that there’s ANYTHING wrong with your position at all. You feel how you feel and you have your reasons for that. There are lots of women that aren’t down with premarital sex and then cry “FOUL!” when they find out their man is “cheating” on them. It’s an unrealistic expectation for sexless relationships not to get horned-in on by people that are willing to do what the guy or gal in the relationship won’t do for their so-called SO.

      NowÒ€¦ I’m going to tell you what happened to you. πŸ˜€ .. Again, I don’t know you and I don’t know him, but you’ve given us more information now, so here’s my opinion:

      You. Did. Not. Get. The. Seal. Of. Approval. From. His. Parents.

      You wrote: “It was so weird everything was fine and then the weekend when his mom met me and he talked with his dad, he broke up with me.” That’s not weird. Guys break up with gals all the time because their parents don’t approve. I have no idea why that happens, but it happens. I mean, if you have a Trust Fund coming, then “Where Does Homey Sign? :D” haha the chick is out the door so I can get my Millions! πŸ˜€ Ò€¦ Other than that, I don’t know why guys do this.

      Meanwhile, a guy doesn’t want to look like A CHUMP and say “I have to break up with you now, because my parents said so”. Enter the excuse: “Work”.

      The reason work is a problem is that if he breaks up with you and you don’t like the reason, he stands the chance that you’re going to suddenly be a problem for him. Not you as an individual.. This is Standard Operating Procedure for any chick. It’s just not good policy to date chicks that you work with, live near, always go to the same parties with, etc, because when you break up with a chick, you want her to be gone, gone, GONE! πŸ˜€

      So, whether it was the parents disapproving of you or him getting more into his new girl, whose legs probably stay open like your local 7-11, once he realized that he was going to need to break up with you, he needed a good excuse that couldn’t be blamed on him. “Work” happens to be perfect, because if you no longer work where he does, you’ll be a non-issue if you feel poorly about the breakup.

      Meanwhile, according to the sister, he’s not even bringing the new chick TO his parents. Who knows why that is, but it might be because he knows they’re not going to approve of her so he’s keeping her under the hat.

      Based on what you’ve said about what you want and what he apparently wants, I think you’re making a good decision not to date him again. You’re probably better off meeting men at church functions and through mutual friends that know what both of you like and want and can act as matchmakers. The playing field tends to be much easier that way.

      Good Luck! πŸ˜€

  58. Stephanie, couple of questions: If by his own sisters account, this is how he always has been how did you get “…booty call…essentially he is trying to hide his behavior”?? Many a person (male/female) tend to have boundaries set up that are meant to seperate family life and social life. In my almost 40yrs on this planet, my mother has met exactly 4 females i dated and they are in order 1-crazy chick who followed me home from school (college!) 2-Chick I dated for a little over 6yrs (and that was only because of the time involved) 3-Chick who I was “hooking up” with on the regular (She was a nurse at the hospital I work at and my mom happened to be a patient) 4- The mother of my beautiful year old daughter (obvious reason). I never set out to decieve anyone or hide who I really am. I just thought it would be best to not bring every single person who I intended on “sleeping” with (dumb term as mentioned in “euphemisms for sex”). The fact that his daughter knows who that girl is, elevates her to a status just above booty call at the very least.

    Also, you say if he wanted to be with you he would change… uhm, thats not a valid idea or suggestion. What if his friends or his heart is telling him “if SHE wants to be with you SHE should change”? There should be a MIDDLE ground when adults are involved. So you dont want to have sex but he wants to… there are other forms of NON penetrating sexual contact that MAYBE the two of you can agree on. As unfair as it would sound to you that he wants you to engage in sexual intercourse with him, its sounds just as unreasonable to him that you are not interested. Look at the facts, he has a daughter, meaning he done it at least once!!! You cant really expect him to not want to again. If YOU really wanted to be with him why cant you at least try to find a middle thats way to the left of actually “going all the way” BUT just right of “making out”?

    To suggest that one of you should leave his/her job and then the 2 of you engage in non engaging… it all reads as a win for you. Wheres the win for him?? This should be WIN/WIN.

  59. Thanks Bill and Frank for responding. πŸ™‚ I got my photo loaded. πŸ™‚ Ok, I don’t think it’s because they don’t like me. His sister are my friends now and want to hang out with me all the time. He invited me to his family picnic in July and his mom, and sister came up to me and gave me a big hug and they all talked to me for a long time. His daughter is very sweet and always comes up to hold my hand or give me a hug. His dad on the other hand is hard to read. I think he wants his dad’s respect so much that he isn’t going to jeopardize his relationship with him. My ex dated a girl when he was in college and she chased him and he let her, she then got pregnant and they got married. His sister said “We loved her, but she was bad for my brother…and he totally changed when they started dating.” His father was very disappointed in his son’s decision so I believe he (my ex) is really wanting his father’s approval and not wanting to mess things up.
    I believe that is why he is secretive about his relationships.
    Frank…sex is one issue I won’t back down on. I mean I will compromise on a lot of issues but that for me is sacred. My faith in Jesus Christ is the most important thing in my life. It defines who I am. It’s how I base my decisions.
    I want him to be happy and if this girl makes him happy then that is great.

  60. Thanks for the response Steph. This is actually what I wanted to read “sex is one issue I wonÒ€ℒt back down on. I mean I will compromise on a lot of issues but that for me is sacred. My faith in Jesus Christ is the most important thing in my life. It defines who I am. ItÒ€ℒs how I base my decisions.” As a believer and a follower, you understand that religion is losing many memebers and many of those who remain are finding their beliefs compromised. First let me start by saying, good for you!! Good that you have such a strong sense of faith that you are unwavering in your dedication to it. On the other hand, for those of us that dont believe (I am one), to those who have felt the need to consolidate their beliefs with the expectations and personal desires make are to be commended as well. The problem is when one a memeber of one group decides to get involved with a memeber of another. Either there has to be a little give and take or it becomes a strained relationship. I agree with you that the 2 of you no longer be involved in a BF/GF type of relationship BUT I think the 2 of you have much to offer each other as friends. As friends he may get a better understanding of how strong your faith is and you might understand that although his beliefs may not be a strong as yours, it does not mean that he has no religion. I think the two of you have something to offer each other.

    As per BillC’s response, I have to agree… I think church socials and contacts through mutual friends is the way to go for you.Not to say you cant find one in the mainstream but it will spare you the process of having to wead out those that only have one thing in mind. Although the wolves in sheeps clothing will apply to some in your faith based world as well.

    1. I definitely agree that there’s a benefit to them in being friends… not to be confused with “Friends with Benefits”, haha.. but seriously, folks…

      I totally believe that like-minded people should date each other. Believers should date Believers, and Non should date Non. You can cross over if it’s all about hanging out and having a good time, but in the long run, life goals and expectancies are going to be completely different and someone’s going to end up disappointed… NORMALLY the Believer.

      Also, in this case, the way Stephanie told the story, FIRST the girlfriend got pregnant and THEN the boyfriend married her. If that’s how it went down, that means the boyfriend had/has NO PROBLEM with premarital sex which probably indicates that his beliefs are rather different from Stephanie’s. Also, pulling out Ò€œDonÒ€ℒt you believe in GodÒ€ℒs timing?Ò€ sounds like he was throwing something Stephanie probably said herself at some point back in her face… not in a malicious or mocking fashion, but in a manipulative fashion that indicates that he was willing to use her beliefs against her in order to get his way.

      Basically, it’s much easier for a Non-Believer to fake being a Believer than the other way around. The Believer is at a decided disadvantage as they’re operating with only a subset of what the Non-Believer is working with. The Believer has more rules & regulations, so it’s a much better idea to hook up with people who are like-minded and are just as disinterested in having sex with you before marriage as you are in having sex with them.

  61. hi guys.

    new to this site and love your comments. as a woman with four brothers, i have been saying all my life women need to take responsibility for men messing with them. even my girl friends stand for things for which am like wtf? then come crying like he blah blah blah blah. a man respects a woman who respects herself and lets face it girls am sorry if hes getting the sex for free then no incentive to continue. its an old but true adage why buy the milk……. all my brothers, cousins and guy friends which amount to about 300 men (no joke) reluctantly admit its true. l am currently with a great guy, who knew right from the start you either gonna put up or shut up and get out (within his own time frame of cos and l said this nicely but with an evil glint in my eye). my mother always said talk softly but carry a huge freaking l even told my guy the other day l would be willing to experiment further and hes like cool well take it slow dont worry. men can be so awesome. remember there are men and little boys pretending to be men. find a man. age has no relevance to maturity too. keep up the good work guys. love your posts.

    1. Hey Lara. Thanks for the comments and the props! πŸ˜€

      “A man respects a woman who respects herself” is absolutely true. It has to start with the individual. If a gal sees herself as a toy and carries herself that way, guys aren’t going to give her ANY more respect than she commands via her way of being. Definitely.

      The 300 guys ‘reluctantly’ admit that it’s true because their rap could be affected if the word got out that they adamantly believed in or agreed with this position. This is partially the reason why there aren’t many people other than myself that will tell it like it is. Chicks are going to like me regardless of what I write in blogs. Most guys don’t have that luxury, so they have to keep REALITY under the hat and ACT AS IF, or “Go Along To Get Along”. Meanwhile, you’ll notice that there are almost ZERO comments from guys on this blog telling me that I’m incorrect, and I’ve been posting for two years now…. HMMMMMMMM…….

      IMO, a woman will never isolate a man by using sex unless they’re surrounded by prudes. The way to make your relationship last is to demonstrate to him that you’re The Bee’s Knees, personality-wise. Personality is usually completely underestimated when compared to looks. What guys find out down the line is that as HAWT as a chick might be, if she’s not aligned with you and down with the program, she’s ultimately useless and more trouble than she’s worth. Meanwhile, that chick that might not be tall enough to be a model or skinny enough to wear skinny jeans or pretty enough for anyone to ask her to model for anything might just be a TROOPER and have your back 100% when it honestly counts. She might be as down for your satisfaction as you are for hers, and that’s when relationships REALLY work.

      So, as long as you have good communication with your BF and you’re putting your best foot forward, that’s really all you can do and all anyone can expect. If he’s on top of his game, he’ll recognize quality and try to give you even more than you’re giving him.

  62. First i’d like to say your blog is very useful to us females that don’t think the same as males, obviously!!! Very interesting to see the males point of view and so bluntly for that matter, i appreciate that, just the truth and facts. Well ive found myself in a simular situation as the previous women in this blog. I am a 31yr old that was divorced last year and began dating again after eight years. Ive been seeing a man my brother introduced me to 7 months ago that is a couple years older than me who had been through a breakup months prior to meeting him. So on our first date i wasnt suprised when he brought up that he also had gotten out of a long relationship as well months prior, but was shocked to hear he still lived with her because of lease agreement. I know, BIG red flag. But he explained that he is not with her, nor does he want to work things out and that shes hardly ever there. Well since then we’ve seen each other every weekend and spend lots of time together. I have fallen in love with him and he’s always been respectful and the kindest person. We get along the best that i have ever with anyone. At first it didnt bother me but as time has gone by without meeting his family and not spending the holidays together cause obviously his family doesnt know about me,I’m becoming impatient and its starting to bother me a lot!!. He has explained how much he wants to introduce me to parents but wants to wait till his situation has changed, cause they are old fashion? Ive explained i want a normal relationship, without restrictions. He’s explained wanting to marry me, have children with me and that he has waited his whole life to meet someone like me. I wish i knew exactly what was going on in that head of his. Ive asked when his situation is gonna change and the date has changed from month to month. Ive asked if she knows if he is dating or knows about me and he explains that he doesnt want to hurt her or cause more problems in his stressful life already. So she doesnt know about me and ive never been over to his house. Wouldnt a couple that has broken up and still live together have a talk of seeing other people or not? We constantly txt all the time which i find annoying since we could have that same conversation within five mins vs. an hour of txtn. The other thing is ive noticed he usually calls after a certain time when she leaves for work, she works at night and then when staying over at my place he does leave at a certain time. Ive complained that it bothers me and would want him to stay but he says that he has stomach problems and needs his meds? Plz!! Anyway, just recently ive told him I need a definite time on when his situation is gonna change or we need to wait to pick this up when it has changed. This has gone on for seven months now and its very confussing. Why would a man express me being the love of his life, talk about marriage and then not change his living situation? I dont know what goes on in that house and its starting to bug the hell out of me. I just dont get the whole thing, would someone whos playing a game really talk about love and marriage? Isnt that going a bit toooo far? I dont know what to do, is there something else i could do to find out whats going on,(besides spying)which id never do? Ive noticed its been several months since last reply on this discussion but would really appreciate some insight from a mans point of view on this situation. Thanks again.

    1. Hey Rebecca. Thanks for the props and the question. πŸ™‚

      I don’t know either of you, but here’s what I think based on what you wrote:

      Back in the day, I had a girlfriend. At some point she informed me that she wanted the two of us to not be romantically involved.. i.e. she wanted us to stop having sex. I asked her if she was sure. She said she was. I told her to explain herself and she did. I asked her at least two more times if she was sure and she said she was. I told her “ok”.

      The very next thought that entered my mind was all the girls I could **** now that I was no longer beholding to one female. I didn’t think about leaning back. I didn’t think about getting a drink. I didn’t think about a single thing other than the importance of what I had just agreed to. Nothing was changing about our relationship other than she had just given me Carte Blanche to **** other chicks.

      The no-sex thing only lasted about 22 hours, but that’s not the point.

      If the guy you wrote about was staying with his girl “because of a lease agreement”, it wouldn’t be any of his business when, how or IF he got laid. As a matter of fact, the. very. first. thing. he should have figured out is who he was going to get his consistent sex from, since it wasn’t going to be the chick he’s living with. He also should have informed her that he’s going to have company over and FEMALE company and he’s going to do whatever the hell he wants with them when he has them over…… UNLESS….. πŸ˜€

      He might have put himself on a self-ban as far as having women over so that she agrees to not have MEN over. The LAST THING a guy wants is to be in the next room over, listening to some dude pounding his ex-girlfriend out. Damn. πŸ˜€ So you might be restricted from the house for that reason.

      It’s way more likely, however that he has some kind of sweet deal on the rent (such as not paying any) that he doesn’t want to lose, so he’s playing the subservient role with her. He has to make sure she likes everything he does, so he has to keep you on the DL.

      It’s also EXTREMELY LIKELY (before Frank starts jumping up and down) that he never broke up with her in the first place, and you’re the side-piece.

      The “lease agreement” line is about to run out in a few months. People don’t sign multi-year leases.. well SMART PEOPLE don’t sign multi-year leases, so if you’ve been dating him for 7 months, he only has 5 months of that excuse left.

      More importantly, it doesn’t make sense that he’s dodging her and hiding you from her. It doesn’t make sense that he only texts you when she’s within hearing range, which means he’s NOT ALLOWED to kick it with you which means she’s still his girlfriend or he’s beholding to her in some fashion, such as she doesn’t require him to pay rent or she’s still sexing him.

      As far as “Going too far”, nothing this guy’s done has been egregious. In fact, it’s all rather textbook. The best way to get a chick to lay down is to tell her that you want what she wants. Period. Houses, Cars, Kids, Picket Fences, 401Ks, Trips To Zimbabwe, tell her *anything* because she’s gonna give it up before you actually have to produce any of those things.

      Whose parents, on this planet, wouldn’t be glad to know that their son has a new girlfriend when they know that he’s not with his ex anymore and still has to live with her? O_o He would like you to believe he’s lying to his parents and telling them he’s still with his ex instead of that he’s lying TO YOU and telling you he’s NOT with her.

      As far as seeing him every weekend, that’s only two days out of seven. Back in the day, I’m pretty sure I maxed out at three simultaneous girlfriends amongst other random socializations. Three chicks that I definitely saw every week and a lot of people knew I was dating each chick and some people knew I was dating all of them. *yawn* Elementary.

      See, the way this part of the game goes, he’s going to keep getting sex until he isn’t. If you find out anything that’s a relationship-breaker, he’s SOL. He has to keep all his plates spinning on the sticks. He can’t afford to introduce you to ANYONE. THAT. HE. KNOWS. because they might spill the real beans. No parents. No ex-girlfriend that he still lives with for monetary reasons. No holidays where a nephew can ask him where his wife is while you’re standing right next to him…

      See, the problem here is that he’s a grown-ass man. All the stuff you outlined sounds like a 15-year-old that’s trying not to get grounded because his parents don’t know he has a girlfriend. Oh.. I almost forgot.. I’m assuming his “meds” go in his MOUTH, which means they could also fit in his POCKET when he knows he’s going to some chick’s crib to get some PRIVACY for once because he can’t take her to HIS OWN APARTMENT so he doesn’t get busted by his girlfriend or wife.

      Anyway, like I said, I don’t know either of you, so I could be completely wrong about all that and there could be some kind of fantastic explanation for all of these incredible coincidences.

      Personally, if I were in a relationship with so many undefined variables, I wouldn’t consider myself in a relationship at all. I learned that back when I was a teenager and I thought I was dating this chick when I was actually the rebound guy until she could patch up her relationship with her ex. I found *THAT* out when she was suddenly crying to me one day about her boyfriend leaving her and I was like “What The **** Are You Talking About? He Left You Weeks Ago!” πŸ˜€

      I learned from that situation that half a relationship isn’t worth anything to me. Unless I’m on the same page with a chick, I assume our relationship is ZERO. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t mess with a chick.. I just wouldn’t add more meaning to it than is supposed to be there when people that are attracted to each other mess around.

      The problem that a lot of women have is that y’all don’t like being in the game. You’re always looking to retire, so guys “see you coming”. You all want the same things, so lying to y’all is pretty easy. It’s not like guys have to think up DIFFERENT LIES to get chicks to give it up.

      The question you have to ask yourself is whether the pros are outweighing the cons. A lot of women jump to conclusions and exit the relationship because they can’t get exclusive access to a guy or at least can’t be ASSURED of exclusivity. A lot of those same women feel stupid right afterwards because even though they didn’t have it all with this guy, they had a lot of what they like in life because of being able to spend time with him.

      Of course, it goes the other way extremely often as well, with women being stung along indefinitely until they find out that they’re not the only chick on the Tiger Woods text-messaging plan.

      Good Luck! πŸ˜€

  63. Bill,
    “Tiger Woods text-messaging plan” – Yeah, I think T-mobile bundles that in with the My Fave Booty Calls plan.

    What’s your brother’s take on this dude? Nothing for nothing but he’s kinda on the hook for introducing you to this guy. Considering he’s your bro some homework is expected PRIOR to the intro. No? What can he tell you about this dude now and can you get him to do some unobtrusive digging?

    Other than that, sigh, I have to agree with Bill. The only way I can see this situation as being straight up is if they were married a long, long, time and they’re dividing up assets and the dust still hasn’t settled yet. If that ain’t the case he should’ve worked out some kind of sock on the doorknob deal like Bill was saying. Either he’s moved on and he’s stuck there but making the best of it, or he hasn’t. Don’t sound like the former. Maybe she does his laundry. Whoops, I meant, maybe she “does his laundry”. Whatever the case, it’s only part of a relationship. Go out and tackle a dude who also looking to retire and can give you the whole whammy. Trust me, you’ll save yourself some grief.

  64. Thanks for the reply and insight to my question. Yes i have to agree it DOESNT make sense. Im not use this game or have been played. He is 35 and acts like hes 10 getting his hand caught in the cookie jar with all the excuses. Also he gets rather defensive when i have brought it up. Which has been this last month. He will say “i cant take the questioning” and i respond with this is a resonable question that needs to be talked about. And then he starts with i cant lose u and dont want to imagine life without me. And i guess hes also suprised that i didnt bring it up before till now. Anyway,there are two months left on his lease and only time will tell. oh and i have thought same thing that maybe shes the one finacially responsible in the relationship cause part of the excuse is money to get another place. Like i said it went fron December and then to January, and since there has been no move on his part i started asking. My brother was really surprised to find out he still lived with her. They know each other but i guess is not one of his best friends. I told him when i found out, and he appologized cause he was unaware. He basically told me “Plz dont believe anything he says until hes not living with her anymore”. Ive also felt recently since there is this want for privacy on his part to keep me a secret, to family and friends, that he is still wanting and even waiting for things to be diff between them. If they are not still together that is. And yes ive definitely thought that they still have had sex in the last year of living together, but do want to trust and believe what he says, for the most part. I know cause it sounds and feels better. I really do appreciate the feedback and wish there were some for sure way to know whats going on without the wait.

    1. Steve brings up a VERY important point. There are so many glaring errors here that I missed speaking on it entirely. Your BROTHER is responsible for qualifying dudes he introduces you to. He COMPLETELY should have given you the rundown as far as who he believes this guy to be. If he didn’t know he was still living with his girlfriend, he doesn’t have any idea about the relationship between them and THAT should have been something he told you when he introduced you. He should have either told you the deal or told you that he DOESN’T KNOW the deal with this guy. Fumble.

      As far as 35 and acting like 10, don’t expect things to change. People don’t change as they get older. 35 year old guys want to get laid just like 25 year old guys and they’re going to lie their asses off to get you to do the right thing. It’s never going to change. Get used to it.

      Of course he can’t take the questioning.. because he’s LYING. Lies are very tough to cover from different angles, because they’re one-dimensional. It’s like building one wall and calling it a building. All you have to do is look at the other three sides or the roof and you’ll see that it’s only a wall. You were supposed to fall for the lies and keep giving it up.

      Having said that, I’d also like to say for the record that I don’t believe a single thing about his living conditions or relationship status. All we know is what you’ve told us and all you know is what he’s told you. For all we know, he’s married AND has kids that live in the apartment with them. He might have to wait until the kids go to sleep to speak to you. He might have a job in Burger King and can’t pick up the phone so you hear people ordering French Fries that he has to cook. It could be ANYTHING.

      All that “can’t lose you” is textbook. Listen to ANY R&B or Freestyle record and they all say the same thing. “You are so important and unique”. The purpose of the records is for guys to get laid. Period. I hate to be so repetitive and redundant about this point, but women never get it. I’m getting tired of hearing myself make this point. πŸ˜€

      If there are two months left on his lease, he’s going to have to figure out how to make more than McDonald’s minimum wage before then OR he’s going to have to have his own place. It doesn’t take ONE MONTH to find a new place, so he should already know where he’s going to move. If he doesn’t, he could end up homeless, which means that if he doesn’t already know where he’s going to move and how much he’s going to pay for rent, HE. AIN’T… GO. WIN. NO. WHERE… HE. AIN’T. GOIN-NO-WHERE… HE CAN’T BE STOPPED NOW.. ‘CAUSE IT’S BAD-BOY FOR LIFE!

      Other than disease-wise, whether he’s screwing her or not is all the same to you. You’ve been hooking up with him this whole time and he’s been doing or not doing whatever he’s been doing. Your experience is the same either way. If you find out NOW that he’s also physically with her, it’s not that your relationship changed, it’s just that you finally found out what time it is.

      I don’t have a way for you to find out because unfortunately, it’s just TOUGH BEING A CHICK. You’re the zebra and you want information about when the lion’s going to eat you. It doesn’t work like that. The predator knows that you’re prey and you think you’re operating on a level playing field. When was the last time you heard of a zebra eating a lion? O_o

      My suggestion to you is to figure out some things that you REALLY want to know and base your decisions on how you relate to him on the answers to those questions.

      Oh.. One other thing. With this lease/rent thing, you’re getting set up to be the “fall guy”. Assuming that anything you know about him is true, which I doubt it is, if his lease DOES run out and he DOES have to move, get ready for the good ole “Can I stay with you until I can get back on my feet, financially?” If that happens and you let him stay with you, get ready for him to be texting the next chick from YOUR crib and talking to HER after YOU go to sleep.

  65. Well thanks again for replying and giving me ur insight on how men think. I really appreciate you telling me basically how it is. Well I really thought about what you had to say. Since we do not have mutual friends in common I thought of how I could find out somthing to put my mind at ease and get some truth of whats really going on. I decided to txt a pic of him to his supposibly ex-gfriend and she called back. Come to find out they have been together this whole time. To me I was shocked, and yes Im sure you are saying I told u so. Anyway, she asked questions and I told her I only knew what he said, which was he said they seperated a year ago. AND she also mentioned SHE was the one supporting him for the last three years. OMG so yeah, this could have been me in a couple of months if I kept believing all he would tell me. So now everything makes since, kinda sucks but feel much better knowing Im washing my hands of him. Thanks again:)

    1. You’re welcome, Rebecca… It’s “nothing”, really.. Just facts and truth as they appeared to me based on what you said.

      Even though we all can read above that “I told you so”, my blog is most certainly not about gloating. I would have rather you came back and reported that all these indicators actually misled my opinion of the situation and all was actually fine with your relationship. The odds were WAY against you.

      Don’t feel alone in this. These are all rudimentary, commonplace tactics that are straight out of a textbook or template. Lie to her and tell her you want everything that she wants + keep her away from ANYONE that might tell her the truth = Getting Laid.

      Guys do this all day, every day, across the country and most likely around the world. Mainly, you either have chicks on the roster or you have one girlfriend. If you have chicks on the roster, there’s a hierarchy of importance/value. At the time I was dating the three chicks, I knew which one was more important than the others and allocated my time and actions accordingly. Would I bring one around to parties? Sure. Would I take the other one downtown but not to parties? Yup. Would I only visit the third one on her school’s campus? Yup. Did I make sure that their friends didn’t overlap, even though some of MY friends knew all three of them? Yup. It’s really too easy.

      It’s set up that way so you take the least risk with the most important chick. You don’t want to run into “I want to go with you to XYZ party” from your main chick and have to deny her because the jig is up. The rest of them, you can just tell them “Nah, I’m not going to that party” or “Nah, I’m already going with someone” or “Nah, it’s just the fellaz going to that party” or you don’t tell them about the party at all or they already know that the nature of your relationship is you hanging out with them downtown or in their dorms.

      When your main girl knows your schedule, you don’t want her to call you and you only text her back. There’s no excuse. The jig is up. The other chicks have to be used to you walking away from them when your phone rings or shutting the **** up when you get a call if they know you have a girlfriend that’s above them on the totem pole. Elementary Game. The more important a chick is, the more you treat her like your actual girlfriend or wife.

      Your wife gets to go to holidays. Your wife gets to go places where your parents are. Your wife gets taken pretty much EVERYWHERE because you don’t have to hide her from people and you basically want everyone to know who you’re with.. oh.. You might also actually WANT her to come to special family events with you, haha πŸ˜€

      So anyway, no. I’m not “happy” that I was right, but it was walking like a duck and it was talking like a duck. \o/

  66. so ive been seeeing this guy from my work…and for awhile i kept it on the dl cuz i didnt want everybudy talkin about it and also i didnt want to cause n e problems but i later found out that it doesnt matter cuz neither 1 of us r in possitions that could possible cause problems. n e who we went to dinner n the movies a couple times n its been real nice since ive nevery really been treated right. but n e ways long story short im really confussed becuz he says he doesnt want to date becuz he might move soon for his career and yet he treats me just like his gf….is he tryin to play me…does he have a gf…wut is it. i tryed to just make it a fling n he wouldnt let me.this is very confussin n i would like sum guy addvice.

      1. Hey CC. Thanks for the question. πŸ™‚

        Similar to The Maury Show… SOMETIMES, guys are telling the truth. πŸ™‚

        Sometimes, it’s just part of a guy’s repertoire to show a gal a nice time and there’s nothing more to it. Sometimes, a guy actually IS concerned about starting something and moving, causing mental & emotional turmoil for one or both of you.

        Having said that, I don’t see any reason why y’all couldn’t agree to date until he has to leave. Anyway… You actually ARE dating if he’s taking you out and taking you to the movies, etc. Dating doesn’t CHANGE if you call it dating. It’s still the two of youse spending time together and enjoying your lives on a particular day and time. There’s no difference between dating and hanging out other than giving a hangout the title “date”.

        Guys don’t have to have a forward-thinking goal in order to show you a good time. If that’s what he wants to do, that’s what happens. Back in the day, after a really great date, I took a chick shopping. She attempted to drive herself crazy making my gesture mean something other than what it was, which is that I really appreciated who she had been BEING that evening and I was inspired to thank her more than saying “Thank You” and that’s what my mind came up with.

        You bring up an important point, however, because just because a guy treats you like his girlfriend doesn’t mean he’s angling towards being in an exclusive relationship with you. That might be his natural reaction to being with a gal that turns him on or that he enjoys as a person or comrade or sidekick.

        Sometimes, the current state of the relationship is where he’s comfortable and he doesn’t have any plans for escalation.. Just having a good time when both of y’all are available and interested.

        As far as the topic of the post.. If you want to try to figure out if he has other girls besides you, try to spend more time with him. Don’t be pushy about it or you might get dumped. See if you can spend a Friday night AND a Saturday night with him. See if he’ll give you spend the day with you on a holiday or invite you to a wedding or introduce you to his friends. Guys that have girlfriends are obliged to give them certain days and times or else they might get caught cheating.

        Either way, it sounds like a good time for you, so right now it doesn’t matter whether he has other girls or not. Enjoy yourself and when you get to a point where you’re NOT enjoying yourself, let him know what you’re feeling or just bail.

        @Fishingrod: WOW! haha The Exact Same Line about moving away! πŸ˜€ I wonder if that’s a new standard line that I’m not aware of yet! πŸ˜€

  67. This whole article has been very informative. I got alot of male insight since i dont have brothers. Im a serial monogamist. when im in a exclusive in it until im not in it but im very cautious and trust my gut if something aint right which happened to me.

    I only found this place after busting a guy I started getting to know and “dating” from the gym Sunday for having a girlfriend after 3 days! (I give myself dap for busting him so soon..i knew it was something off about him so i kept my gaurd up and i was right..i told my friend who wanted to meet him that i sensed something about him and 3 hours later it all came out lol)
    HE told me these things:
    He asked me if i had a facebook and on the internet alot bc he wasnt. he said he doesnt like being on the computer- so i binged his name and I found his myspace that he logged into 3 days ago last night after coming home from seeing him.
    He told me he doesnt have any family when his family is all on his myspace lol its like he wouldnt let me make connections with him so that instantly put my radar up.
    he doesnt text but he has the sprint unlimited text plan? i realized he just dont text someone hes trying to hit and quit.
    I saw his son which he was honest and told me he had a kid. I dont like guys with kids (thats my bottom line) but i let this slide. He also told me he doesnt take pictures unless professional and i look on his myspace and he took pics of HIMSELF so that was a lie. I told him he dont take pics bc its PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE for his girl! lol I think i saw his babymomma or some chick he is hugged up on over and over. so that was his girlfriend. I told him tonight that it dont matter who she is it matters that you are someone elses. then i found her facebook and she has pictures of them ALL together from the club. if i wasnt with someone i would take down their pictures not say that im single while she is saying she “in a relationship”
    He told me these things in one night so i really didnt waste any time on him just 3 days. He was too touchy feely too soon for my taste. Im a girl and i like PDA like the next but He sucked my toes the 2nd day of kicking it and wanted to do other things. It got to a point that I wanted to tell him Uh N@#$A get off me!
    I basically had to fend off this big 6’4″ guy trying to stick my foot down his throat while asking me baby does that turn you on. lol ftr: toe sucking is nasty it feels like ur foot is in hot peanut butter lol i now realize he moved fast bc he didnt have alot of time cuz his chick was at home and he had to get back. i can laugh about it bc he is just 26. Think about what you were like at 26 thinking you were slick?

    Im a few years older than him and with the internet at my finger tips he thought i was gonna fall for it. so i sent him a message on myspace with that MenanceIISOciety youtube quote of bill duke saying “you know you done effed up” lol here:
    I confronted him since we go to the same gyms and said if you see me and think you wanna speak..dont unless you want to be embarrased Toe Boy. he was speechless.

    1. Thanks for the comment, SannyD. “Bravo!” on doing your due diligence and protecting yourself & ejecting before your situation got messed up. πŸ˜€

      I wrote about this in November ’09 in “Google Your Date?”. This is 2010. Women should be able to find out what they need to know about prospective suitors by sitting down at their computers and doing exactly what you just outlined.

      The funny thing is that by now, if someone DOESN’T have any type of internet presence, that’s about as incriminating as if they leave an obvious trail like the guy you’re talking about here. Even if they’re too old to be interested in Social Media, there should be SOME record of them on the internet.. From their jobs, from something they’ve done or attended…

      Maybe it’s just me. I’m spoiled because I know so many people through Social Media that I’ve become used to meeting women that I already have references and checks & balances for. I know two different gals that I have 345 mutual Facebook friends with. I attend parties that friends of mine throw. It’s very likely that anyone I meet there is going to know SOMEBODY that I know that will vouch for their character AND/OR give me the lowdown on what they’re really like as a person.

      I think I’ve been affected by this to the point that I just don’t believe people unless someone else can verify them. I listen to what people say, but I don’t accept it as fact. I was flagged down by this gal a while back while I was at this bar.. She informed me that her homegirl had seen me in the gym that morning. When I looked at her girl, she started playing it off quickly, like “Nah, Nah”, so I have no idea what to believe. All I know is that the chick that called me over had the correct information about what I had been doing that morning, so SOMEONE out of their posse (probably HER) goes to my gym.

      This is way more important for women, because men are generally the aggressors when it comes to raps. Y’all have to try to figure out the truth WHILE dudes are tryin’na gas your heads up talking about how fine you are and what they want to do to you. I don’t subscribe to things like “The Rules” as far as chicks holding out on sex for a certain number of dates, but I *DEFINITELY* advocate holding out until you can Google a dude! πŸ˜€

      Just like you found out, it’s often right thurrr for people to see. Girlfriends, Kids, Family Members.. Everything someone wants to lie to you about, they’ve probably been broadcasting to people like “Look at me! I’m the man! :D”. Sites like Facebook and Twitter are rewarding transparency, meaning people who take personal credit & responsibility for what they say and do on the net. You establish yourself as having a particular way of being and having particular friends and having particular viewpoints and sharing certain links.. You can develop a reputation online that precedes you offline, where people that wouldn’t otherwise have noticed you come up to you at a party and tell you they enjoy your blog or that they know you have mutual friends. People trying to hide and call themselves PacMan24 ‘n stuff are getting left in the dust because they’re not developing any social cred for themselves.

      So it’s really in a guy’s best interest to make it known to the universe what he’s about and what he’s doing, business-wise and socially. It’s all out there for gals to look at and critique and decide if you feel like hooking up with this guy.

      Knowlede Is Power! πŸ˜€

      1. What we have here is a sad attempt at player-dom by Mr. Toe Boy. Also bravo to sannyD for actually doing what everybody should do when playing the dating game and that’s listening to your instincts. So many people ignore that little voice and come to regret it.

      2. I found your site last weekend and am hooked and wish I had been reading it months ago. I was on a free online dating site and met either guys my age that I wasn’t interested in or vice versa and young guys wanting a ons. So I met someone a year older than me. We talked for a little over a month well just twice on the phone, but he texted almost daily. Just seemed like a nice guy, down to earth. He added me to his fb like 3 weeks in and God why didn’t I google him. So once we met we started seeing each other like 3x a week. On our third meeting we kissed. On our 6th meeting we made out and he asked if we could get a room the next weekend, which would be my bday, and I agreed. After our 3rd mtg, he asked if I liked him and that he really liked me and asked when would I meet his kids and vice versa, but I said not yet. After our sixth mtg and make out session, he said let’s try and be a couple so after months of one niters and no contact and/or no interest I was on cloud nine. The morning after our motel stay, he was different, but I was like maybe it’s me – that next day was also my bday. He didn’t contact much nor the next day. The following day we had lunch, which I treated and he said, “we’re not a couple and we need to talk, we’ll meet later” that night he texted, “I can’t meet I just can’t” so I was already acting like a paranoid freak like what’s going on. the next day he avoided me, so I was thinking oh he’s dumping me so actually three of my previous booty calls had been contacting me so I was like I better line them up cause I am getting dumped. On thursday morning we met and he told me he was on probation for having oral sex with a 17 year old girl. He told me some details, said she threw herself at him and how everyone was on his side, blah blah. He then went on to tell me how he had gone to an orgy and wanted me to go to the next one. Also, that he and his wife would have threesomes and that we could do that, too. When we left he said “love you”. I was so happy and when he texted me “are you ok?” i said aww you said you love me and he replied, “I didn’t mean to say that, lol, but I do like you a lot.” Anyway, as the day progressed, he was texting as he usually did, but started teasing me about being with other guys, which he had already done, but then said, “i’m serious, if you want you can be with other guys, just be honest.” So I was like whaat, this guy is throwing all this stuff at me, but the “i could be with other guys” was making me think he wanted to be with other women. I also couldn’t get the idea of him with that 17year old girl. That night we saw each other and I told him I don’t want to be with other guys, do you want to be with other women and you keep bringing up other women do you really want to be with me and he was like maybe we need a break you’re acting crazy. I told him about all the guys I had been with and he was like wow you were with a whole baseball team. that night I googled him and read that the girl was 16 and was drunk. I was torn. My two bff’s were like dump him, he’s bad news, they didn’t like the whole thing with the girl or that he was ok with me being with other guys. The next morning I told him let’s meet for lunch. I was planning to end it, but once I saw him I was like I can’t. He said I wasn’t ready for a relationship and that I was just settling for him and that I was acting crazy before he told me. I told him I read she was 16 and drunk. He said well yeah, but almost 17 and that they (meaning his daughter and the girl) were drinking at a party. In the meantime, I had plans to go out with my friends to celebrate my bday. I had invited one of my booty calls. Probation guy and I talked around 6 and agreed to move forward and he was cooking me dinner the next day. Well I hooked up with booty call and my friend was like you need to dump probation and think about your boys and how his past (he’s a registered sex offender for life) will affect yours and their future. So this was like two in the morning I was in tears and like she’s right I texted him and said I can’t deal with your past and need someone I can be proud to introduce to my boys and told him I was with someone else. He called me and was like it’s over, but wanted details of my booty call and was all mmm i’m horny now. So all weekend I cried and begged him to take me back. I met him Saturday night, he said I was a sex addict and said I was going to take care of you for the rest of your life and now i’m not. In the meantime, I had made contact with a guy (9 years younger that I was seeing in the summer for sex, but he was trying to work things out with his baby momma so I ended it, but always liked him, and had told him I might go over on saturday night. Since probation sent no way I went to see the younger guy. Sunday and Monday I begged probation to take me back, but he was like nope. I googled more and read that he had gone down on her, which he hadn’t mentioned and that he had given her four drinks. I snapped and sent him 10 text messages and 4 voice mails two days in a row (so 20 and 8 total) just going off on him that he lied about what happened and that he was a coward and on and on. He never replied and I was sad sad. I emailed him a few more times, but more feeling sorry for myself. Then I emailed his exwife if she could help me get back with him. She and I emailed back and forth and she said move on and told me horrible stuff about him. He went off on me via text that I ruined his life. We met the following week for sex. I asked him to take me back he was like nope. That following week he texted like nothing had happened every day we met that saturday then had sex and he was like I can’t handle what you did we’ll never be a couple. I begged two more days then gave up. He texted me the week of Christmas and on Christmas Eve I replied not saying much, but still hoping he’d take me back. I didn’t hear from him NYE, but saw he’s back on the dating site. I called him and asked him more about his lies and we went at it again. He owed me money so he was like I’ll mail it to you. He started let’s just have sex so to get my money I was like that’s not a good idea, but you can drop off my money so he came thinking he’d get some, but I got my money and kissed him and he was like we shouldn’t do this and I told him I think i’m over you because I can’t stand being lied to. I told him if the younger guys stops calling me we can have sex, but I’m not driving to him and he’s not coming in my house, but he’ll have to get a room, b

        1. Here are the important parts about what you said:

          “So all weekend I cried and begged him to take me back.”


          “Sunday and Monday I begged probation to take me back, but he was like nope.”

          One of the things that women fail to properly mentally process is that if you’re jockin’ a dude that hard, your rights and whatever you think you deserve go out the window.

          The fact that you found out something that you claim to be repulsive (that he hooked up with a young chick) and you’re still begging him to screw you, indicates that you’re not actually repulsed by what he did.

          That’s all guys care about.. what you’re going to do. Nobody cares what you think. Nobody cares if you think a guy should date old chicks. Nobody cares if you think you deserve a title or respect or whatever. Guys care about what’s going to happen when they’re around you. It’s either going to be action or no action, regardless of what y’all call each other, ranging from wife to couple, to relationship to bootie call to friends with benefits to messing around to nothing.

          What you need to do is check your reality. What do you really want for your life right now? Do you want to hook up with this dude, or do you want to give him fake grief about screwing some young chick you don’t even know and never met?

          Also.. What do you mean “take you back”? o_O .. You’re already having sex with him. What else do you want him to do? Say that you’re his girlfriend? Say that he’s only having sex with you? What is it that you want from this guy?

          I always find it funny when chicks go “I had sex with my ex”, because that means, obviously, that the dude isn’t your ex. So.. If dude’s still hooking up with you whenever y’all decide to do that, what’s his incentive to change your relationship at all?

          Of course, this applies to dudes too. If a dude is sprung on a chick, he needs to stop complaining that she’s giving it up to the next man and going out on dates and receiving sex, money, gifts and trips from men that she’s screwing, because regardless of what she does, he’s never going to dump her.

          So, the solution here is to either dump this dude because you can’t stand that he screws young chicks or stop frontin’ as if you actually care and get down with the program, hardcore.

          1. Asfar as what I want him to say, I’d like him to say i’m his gf. He says he doesn’t want to date and wants a relationship, but that he can never be in a relationship with me.

            Also, what do you think of the younger guy who contacts me weekly for sex do you think a ltr can come of it?

            1. Here’s the problem.

              You have the reverse issue of guys that “Lead with their wallets”. They think they’re making headway with girls by taking them out for expensive dinners and buying them things, and then when the money runs out, the chick runs out with the money. Nothing’s really going on, except what’s going on in the present. No “future” is being built.

              You are experiencing CURRENT relationships with guys. You’re hoping that that will translate into future relationships, but there’s no guarantee of that at all.

              There’s a difference between being in good with someone (guy or girl) to the degree that they’ll let you hang out with them and they’ll have sex with you, and being in an exclusive relationship with someone.

              On top of that, even if he SAID you were his girlfriend, what would that actually be worth, if his behavior towards you didn’t change at all? o_O

              This is what I mean about how titles are worthless. People need to focus on who the other person’s being for them, and not what they say with meaningless words that their actions don’t have to back up.

              1. Wow, you’re good. I wish I could have a weekly hour long session. Well I enjoy the sex with the younger guy and he’s made it clear that it’s just sex, but as fragile as I can be and I like what I’ve read you tell other people, that if you’re enjoying what you’re doing… but I need to really decide what I want, which is a ltr, but I don’t want to try online dating any more and guess just have to hope I meet someone somehow. I suppose I can continue with the younger guy until he ends it and just every time I see him realize it could be the last time. As far as the other guy I can’t say enough how after we had sex he changed so it was almost like he told me about his past so I would leave, except I haven’t.

                1. haha Thanks, Caroline. πŸ™‚

                  Unfortunately, there’s a difference between wanting to be in a LTR and having the right person to be in a LTR with.

                  I have female friends that I’ve known for years and there’s no end in sight. I have LTRs with all of them, but traditionalists will say I don’t have a relationship to any of them.

                  Meanwhile, people’s romantic relationships break up and then they never talk to each other ever again in life. Who has more of a relationship? I say I do. Every time.

          2. thanks for replying, what do you mean by getting with the program hardcore? I’m curious by what i’ve told you if you think he was sincere about wanting a ltr with me. I have told him i’m ok with it and he’s like no i can’t forget what you said to me. I think he has the upper hand and will never consider me as more than a fwb.

            1. From your description of the situation, I can’t tell anything about the guy at all, other than he likes to have sex.

              Even if he wants to have an LTR with you, that doesn’t mean that it’s going to be an exclusive one. He’s currently in a non-exclusive LTR with you right this second, and there’s no reason for him to change anything.

              What I mean by getting down “hardcore” is that you have to first recognize the situation and then decide whether you’re going to bail or whether you’re going to stay in the relationship.

              If you’re going to stay in, you have to be sure that what’s going on now is going to continue to go on and that it’s something that you’re cool with and/or interested in. You have to embrace your involvement as a choice you’re making, and not some circumstance that luck or chance dropped you into.

              So if you’re going to stick with it, recognize the situation and decide that you’re going to stay with this guy regardless of how he acts. If that’s not what you want, it seems like it’s gonna be a tough row to hoe to get him to change how he interacts with you because you don’t have any leverage in the situation.

              1. Bill,
                By what I have read on other posts, he fits the description of a lot of these guys who know just what to say before sex and then change shortly after. Is there anyway for me to gain leverage in this situation? I guess I want him to say the things he used to give me the attention he used to before all this happened, but I guess there’s no turning back and he says he’s online dating to find someone to have a ltr with so do I stick around until he does and tells me it’s over I’m seeing someone exclusively. He says I’m a catch and that we would have been so happy together, but he just can’t get over what I said. I want to give up on romantic love altogether. I don’t want to bother getting to know someone new and going through the same crap all over. I guess it seems like I’m looking for shortcuts.

                1. That’s actually a good question, whether you can gain leverage in this situation. I would have said it was 50/50, except that I don’t happen to believe what he told you to get you to eject (Which didn’t work.. You’re still sweating him). It sounds like he’s making up things that are supposed to make you dump him.

                  It also doesn’t even sound like you’re his first string when it comes to hookups. That’s never a good thing for the chances of a female trying to finagle a relationship out of a situation. That’s like when a guy offers to take a gal out and buy her stuff and she’s like “Nah”.

                  I hear what you’re saying about his behavior before he got on, but I suspect that that was “game”. Even if it wasn’t Game, women would be surprised at how drastically different guys act/react towards women if they lose interest in hooking up with her. It could be loss of interest because he already hit it, loss of interest because she keeps fronting and he doesn’t feel like she’s worth the trouble, loss of interest because her body type changed.. Whatever.

                  My opinion remains that you need to figure out what you want and whom you want it with. Unfortunately, the desire for a LTR and “lust” tend to say two different things to people.

                2. It is true what he said. I googled and read about the incident, he is on a sex offender site. I know he is back on the dating site. He was dating/talking to other women when we were just talking/texting, but I was too. I don’t know if I’m first string or not, but when I text him he replies and he invited me to the movies Friday night, but I canceled and he thought I was going out with the younger guy and kept texting me, yesterday morning continued to then stopped. With that information, do you have a different opinion? Also, if I could choose I’d rather have an exclusive bf/gf relationship with the younger guy, but do you think with the “lust” factor there could never be one.I get that I’m in LTR’s of some sort with both, but do you think either one can progress to bf/gf relationships? I hear what you’re saying about guys not wanting the sex any more or liking it, but the older guy every time we talk asks when can we have sex again?

  68. i need help. this boy and i were together for maybe a month or so..but then he said he just wanted to be friends, and yeah, but then soon after that, we hit it up again. we messed around alot, if you know what i mean. but then his friend told me he had a girlfriend, and has had one for 4 weeks, while he was messing with me! idk what to do. i dont talk to him at all, but he tries to cover up the fact that he likes me i think. he lies to my friend all the time about texting me and shit, and then he doesnt want his friend to hangout with me and literally had his friend text me with him looking over his shoulder at what he said to me. idk if its jealously or something else. but then today his friend told me that he want interested in me anymore. but idk if its true, cuz he made several attempts to talk to me today. idk what to think, and i need some serious help.

    1. Hi Emma. πŸ™‚

      I think the key takeaway for women from my blog is “Stop listening to what guys SAY and pay attention to what they DO!”. It’s altogether too easy to tell y’all ANYTHING and throw your game & perspective off.

      Dudes will say “I just want to be friends with you”, “We’re in a relationship together”, “You’re the only one for me”, “I’m not seeing anyone else”, “I just got out of a bad relationship and I’m not ready for a new one”, “You’re too mature for me”, “You’re my girlfriend”, “I want to marry you”… It’s all bullshit. Just pay attention to what he does and how he treats you and make your decisions based on that.

      The concept “Together for a month or so” seems to imply exclusivity. I realize that’s not what you said, but my point is that just because he was hooking up with you doesn’t mean he didn’t have other chicks the entire time. It makes perfect sense that any guy that CAN get multiple girls WILL get multiple girls until there’s a reason for him to select one and dismiss the others.

      That “Looking over the shoulder at texts” sounds very stalkerish to me. πŸ™‚ The whole thing sounds like a conspiracy, haha.. Basically, you shouldn’t trust *ANY* males that are friends of his, because apparently “Bros Before Hoes” is in full effect, boyeeeee.

      It’s like when girls are all out at a club together and they make up lies to pull their homegirls away from guys trying to rap to them. Dating is a team sport. You have to know which team someone’s on before you start taking their word for what’s happening in your relationship.

      Personally, this sounds like a lot of game-playing from his side, which is probably not going to end up positively for you. Guys that are serious about a chick put in so much work to lie and cover their tracks (if there are any “tracks” to cover) that when you see a situation where a guy’s lackadaisical about their presentation and interaction with her, it usually means they don’t care very much and can “take her or leave her”. I just watched this show on MTV yesterday, where this dude was dating two chicks simultaneously and then one of them dumped him and then he goes to the other one and TELLS HER THAT THE OTHER CHICK DUMPED HIM! πŸ˜€ haha What an idiot. He basically said to her that he’s willing to kick it with her exclusively NOW that he has no more chicks other than her. You see how lame that looks?

      All this game-playing and posturing and positioning in your case is the exact same thing. Dude’s letting you know he’s not willing to put in any effort to make a good showing, so it’s up to you whether you’re going to take that as “He likes me, but has a problem expressing his feelings” or “He doesn’t really care” and then make your decision from there. If you just want to hang out with him and have fun, the situation might work for you. If you’re looking for long-term stuff in the format of a relationship, I haven’t read anything that indicates to me that he’s even THINKING about you that way.

      Good Luck! πŸ˜€

  69. Hi, think I need some help. Here is my case. This guy I have a crush on is my co-worker, but even though we have been working together for three to four years, we didn’t talk to each other until recently, because we were in different team and were sitting far away from each other. And I remember about last year October, I had been moved to his team for couple months, and I had a chance to talk to him. But it was often me initiate the conversation and he would only talk to me if he had questions or concerns related to work, and I always tried to build up the topics and even asked him to help me on this and that. We discussed the newly released movies and the restaurants I want to try out but he never ask me out or get my phone number or ask me about my personal life. I could say we are just in a normal, very normal coworker relation. But I don’t know if it’s me being too sensitive, I noticed, or sensed that he was looking/ staring at me when I was looking away or talking to other guys sometimes, but I am too shy to catch his eye, cause I don’t want to look like I pay attention to whereever he walked by, also we work in a cubical form and I dun want to look like a freak stalking him through the glass every time he passed through, but I would pretend like looking in his direction, not at him, that’s why I said I sensed it. Also, I noticed after I mentioned my fav. color, he wore my fav. color shirt often, by often I mean once a week (We worked in weekend shift and can wear casual:P), also weird thing is, there was one time a female coworker ask him if it was his girlfriend who bought him the mp3 and he looked at me, like he tried to see my reaction and the female coworker asked why he was looking at me like I was the girlfriend. Then he just smiled and said no. And seems like every time my coworker tried to test him out if he has a girlfriend or not, he would not give a direct answer, just like avoiding the subject. And one time my female coworker (again that same person) asked him if he got a girlfriend directly, he told her he got one before but not now. Though he said he didn’t have one, I doubted it cause he was a secretive, quiet person and i feel like he was hiding or something, but not sure. Before, I purposely got off work the same time as his so I could walk with him to the garage, and there was one time we have had an approx. one hour and a half more conversation at the garage after work, just stand and talk. This was the only time I ever talk to him for that long, maybe is the last too. Now we are in different team again and we apparently didn’t speak to each other often and I won’t dare to walk to his desk and talk cause I don’t want to be too obvious and desperate. And the most I want to find out is that if he has a girlfriend or is there any ”girlfriend”hints I could get before I make any move!? But since he didn’t even seems to make an effort in initiating a conversation or ask for my phone number, I supposed even he don’t have a girlfriend, we wouldn’t go any further…right?! Sometimes feel like wanting to punch myself cause seems like I am too obsessed.

    1. Hi Ashley. Thanks for the question. πŸ™‚

      You might want to listen to the Street Game conversation Frank and I had, entitled “Ladies: Meeting Men Without Looking Easy”. Basically, “The Game” is set up for guys to chase gals. Females are shamed out of chasing guys because you don’t want to be called easy or cheap or desperate or whores or sluts or whatever.

      Unfortunately… Sometimes, guys are as afraid of girls as girls are afraid of us. πŸ™‚ This leads to no action, as the person who’s supposed to initiate doesn’t do anything at all.

      Another issue you have to consider is that y’all work together. It’s generally poor policy to kick it with a chick that you work with or that lives near you because when you break up with her, you still have to see her. Also, she’ll be in range to hate on / cockblock any chicks you bring around from then on.

      So there are lots of potential explanations for why he hasn’t made moves on you. One of which might be that he has a girlfriend.. However, that’s HIS problem and not yours.

      The good thing here is that he was willing to have a long conversation with you in a garage. That’s probably because neither one of you was confident enough to say “I’m not comfortable here, let’s drive to a diner and continue our conversation there”.

      My suggestion to you is to find some kind of group social event and invite him to it, like bowling, for instance. You can invite him to the event without looking like you’re inviting him on a date. At least that way, if he accepts your invitation, you can be sociable with him without being at work or in a garage.

      The question of whether he has a girlfriend or not is actually irrelevant at this point. If he knows what he’s doing, he’s not going to tell you and you don’t have enough access to him to judge how he spends his time. It’s not worth thinking about until y’all generate some kind of basic social friendship that MIGHT lead to your heading towards a relationship together.

      If he expresses interest in you, THEN it’s time to see if you can figure out whether you’re the only girl he’s interested in or not. Until that time, your focus needs to be getting in the game AT ALL to begin with.

      Good Luck! πŸ˜€

  70. well thank you, that was very helpful. :))

    alright well he texted me yesterday and he said that he just broke up with his girlfriend and that he missed me and that he wanted to hangout and hook up again..but idk. i really like him still, so idk what to think. i told him i dont wanna be a sex toy, and he said he respects me and im not a sex toy. but i dont think i can trust him..

    1. You’re welcome, Emma. πŸ™‚

      Unfortunately, In life, you’re going to find lots of untrustworthy people.. ESPECIALLY amongst those that want something from you (sex, money, food, shelter, a job…). All you can really do is know what you’re looking at when you walk in the door.

      That’s pretty much my goal.. Not for you or anyone else to avoid pitfalls, but for you to at least see them ahead of time so you can make educated decisions. Sooner or later, you’re going to have to take a chance on somebody and then it’s going to work out well for you or it isn’t.

      As far as this particular guy, while y’all were “together”, he had a girlfriend. He now claims to have broken up with her and immediately wants to hook up with you. You’ve got his words and his actions so if you go for the fun & messing around, you already have a pretty good idea that he’s going to tell you whatever he needs to so he can get on.

      Good Luck! πŸ˜€

  71. alright so ive moved onto another guy and never hooked up with him. this one lives in arizona, but hes coming to illinois this summer because he used to live here so ill get to see him. i really like him, and he knows but idk if he has the same feelings for me. we text eachother sometimes, and we usaully talk over xbox, but his broke. during the week and weekends he has sports most of the time, so hes busy. idk if i should tell him or what. cuz his friend says he knows, but idk to do. i keep having this feeling that he likes me, but should i trust that feeling?

  72. ok so i like this one guy and i just dont know if hes into me as much as i am into him. we hungout two weekends ago and had a great time. i really liked him. btw he live 40 minutes away from me so we cant see eachother much..anyways idk i kinda have to do to texting first and when i do he always answers cheerfully and hes never short with me. but sometimes he does the texting or iming first if we havent talked all day or i didnt text him in the morning. i want to hangout with him. he has work till 8 at night friday and saturday and sunday he has office shit or something but i really wanna hangout with him and i keep asking but i keep getting that excuse but he talks to me lika girlfriend. what is he doing to me?! help!

  73. i have a unique setup w/ my girlfriend where i can hook up with other chicks. there was a chick the other day i met at the club. shes really digging me, blowin up my phone, tryin to hang out. she doesnt know i have a girlfriend yet, but the question is.. do i hit it and run or do i just straight up tell her about my girlfriend being cool with it? the latter of the options could either be a hit or a miss. Fling with an attractive Milf looking for some fun, or on the downside.. a rejection from a woman seeking somthing further.

    1. Excellent Question, Ethan! πŸ˜€ haha Cheers for that! πŸ˜€

      That actually depends on a few factors. This question actually calls for its own post, but I’ll run through it quickly.

      First, it depends on what your exit plan is for the new chick, should you start messing with her and then she wants a relationship and eventually, you have to tell her that you’re “seeing someone else, but she’s welcome to join in”. Well.. SECOND, it depends on whether your girlfriend is willing to accept more GIRLFRIENDS for you or more SEX CHICKS for you. If “more girlfriends” is off the table, it depends on how you deal with the brick wall the new chick will eventually run into when she tries to bag you for herself.

      Third, it depends on your ethical/moral deal with your girlfriend. Like, you don’t want to mess up your dealings with her if she would consider you a weasel for sneaking around behind chicks’ backs or not letting them know she exists.. if that stuff is part of your deal.

      Fourth, it depends on whether the chick(s) you decide to screw happen to be PSYCHOS that want to start trouble with your girl when they find out that she exists. (This could happen whether you play it off that you started with your girlfriend AFTER the new chick or eventually admit that you’ve been with her the entire time).

      I don’t personally bother with the ‘labels’ game. There’s no point in calling chicks “my girlfriend”, as in posessive singular. I reference “my ex” in some of my posts, but that was years ago and I felt differently about The Game at the time. I learned a lot about myself during our relationship to the point that I doubt I’ll ever have a traditional girlfriend ever again. I know chicks and if we like each other, we do what we do. Period.

      Anyway… Your particular scenario comes down to whether you’re intending to keep the new chick or not. The only way to keep her long term is going to be eventually telling her that you have a girlfriend and you’d like for her to be your girlfriend also (or both of y’all’s girlfriend, however your current situation deals with adding chicks). If you didn’t tell her about the situation up front, you might lose her when the time comes to inform her.

      Either way, I think the ethical thing to do is AT LEAST inform the new chick that you’re not looking to get into an exclusive relationship with her. Depending on whether you give a damn how hurt she feels about that, you can tell her this BEFORE or AFTER hooking up with her. πŸ˜€

      If she goes ahead with the action, knowing that you don’t intend to get into a relationship with her, you’re in the clear. She can’t say you led her on because you gave her the amount of information that she was cleared to receive.

      I’ve always found it most efficient to deal with chicks in an hierarchical style where the most important chicks get the most information. For instance, if the Best Girlfriend (honorable #1) was interested in knowing about other girls I might be messing with, I’d get her that information. NOT detailed information, but rather something like “I’m going to a party with Joy tomorrow night” or “I’m meeting Janet for drinks later”. This is because you want all communications about your dealings to come from YOU first, so it doesn’t appear like you’re sneaking around and only bringing things up when you get caught out there *COUGHtigerwoodsCOUGH*.

      It doesn’t work in the other direction, though. There’s no need for girl #2 to know about girl #1. There’s no need for #3 to know about #1 OR #2. All they need to know is that you have no current intention of committing to them and if they’re down with that program, it’s Game On! >:D

      So, depending on the actual dynamics of your situation, I’d say to inform the new chick that you’d like to hook up with her but you’re not looking for a girlfriend and if she’s down with that, enjoy yourselves.

      There’s no reason for her to know that you have one, two or EIGHT simultaneous girlfriends because it’s all the same to her. πŸ˜€ It adds up to “I’m not going to be in an exclusive relationship with you just because we hooked up”. So long as she’s aware of that before the action, she can’t say jack to you about it… I mean, she *CAN* say something about it, but you’re covered by the fact that you didn’t lead her to believe that you were kicking off something exclusive with her when y’all started messing.

      Having said all that… Dunno how long you’ve been in the multiple-chick game, but informing them ahead of time doesn’t really work. πŸ˜€

      Chicks will SAY they can handle not being exclusive with you, but that’s because they’re used to guys that don’t move them very much, physically, mentally or emotionally. Once they find out that spending time with YOU is a **** of a lot better than spending time with other guys, they pretty much get addicted and then the game changes up. This is why, some chicks, if you want to remain friends with them, you have to avoid hittin’ it so they don’t go crazy over the fact they can’t have you exclusively and **** up a perfectly good relationship.

      So, the multi-chick thing is complicated, but once you get used to it, it becomes second nature. Use your intuition to figure out what role the new chick might play going forward and then act based on what you figured out. If you’re just starting with this, it’ll take you a while of trial & error to become comfortable with your style. I made an egregious error back in the day that I wish I had never made, but I had no idea about what it was going to be like until AFTER I had already lived through the situation, it was over and the smoke cleared to where I finally realized how I had ****** up. The good part is that I never made that mistake again. >:D

      I’ll probably write something about multiples later today. Thanks again for the question, Ethan! πŸ˜€

      1. Awesome. Seems like I have been generally on the right path, but this will definitely help me out with this chick. Thanks Bill and I ll be looking forward to your multiples post

  74. Hi Bill,
    First of all, i have to tell you that i adds your website in my blog as i have many ladies friends and my blog also connected with my facebook.

    To short the story on, i am a broadcast journlaist in the Malaysian government official media. I broke engage in 1999 and until today, i have yet to found suitable men. Finally, i met this guy ( quiet attractive) IN TAGGED. He have been my friend list in tagged fro about a few month ago, and because of him, i have to cutt-it off my tagged web and now concentrate for my facebook and blog. What i am trying to say is he has been approachs me since last april saying that i am too attractive to him but admit it he have his girlfriend but not committed because he said, he dont want to commited to any girl even his girlfriend now. We just chatting in tagged messages and i dont feel anything on him even he is trying his best to attract me but i dont. This is because, i wont’ simnply fall with a guy (no matter how gorgeous their pictures shows in their web, for me no. Lastly, i think i should give myself a chance to other man. I told him i have a promotion exam in this town which is also both of our hometown. we set everything and he suggest me to stay in a hotel and promises me to pay for it cos i have to be frank with him that if you want to meet me, ok you pay the hotel because i need to pay for my master study fee. he agree. Then the time has come and i back to my home town driving alone (takes about 5 hrs)i check-in and i pay the hotel deposit use my own first. day 1, i send his text messages via tagged (he reply, he will come but not that early by mid-nite, also did not turn up..followed until day 3, i feel so frustated (not because i love him-i just want to be happy-giving myself another chance to meet a man) but he promise to pay my hotel but did not. Last but not least, he said he cannot lied to his girlfriend, can’t go out for what reason..anything..(4 me i dont care but what i care is (i purposely say to him, i am falling inlove with you-instead of i dont)..than he reply..i am delusional, he said i am crazy of him..what so ever..

    Bill, i have to say to you that most of gorgeous guy mistakes is they think they are so proud by their look, arrogant and simply just throw bad words to a lady they never met in personally. And this guy i see is the people who are simply, “dont judge a book by its cover”. He knows i am journalist but he dont know who am i and how far he can determine that the women you slammed is more clever and smarter than you..and what i am happy for is Bill, 2 weeks after he deleted me in his tagged friend list, i deleted my web in tagged, i was received a recognition from my ministry the Outstanding Services Award for best performances staffs in 2009, in 26/8/2010. Everyone is greeting me congratulation..and i i can only say, just smile..(my face out in newspapers and TV, besides radio broadcast..)..i told my best about it to check who is this guy..finally, surprisingly me, he knows this guy, he is sleeping with many women for one-night-stand, and she never show him with any girl he claims he got a girlfriend..Bill, i am sharing you this and i also started followed your link since i put in your web address in my blog. Hope to hear from you soon. Keep your writing. It is very interesting for us women, and also men..


    1. Thanks for the comment and the compliments, Marian. πŸ™‚

      You brought up two very basic issues that I’m going to be blogging about soon.

      The first one is that guys are going to say anything we have to say to get on and there’s no reason for us to actually follow through with any promises we make that are scheduled to be delivered AFTER we get what we want.

      So, if a guy says he wants to marry a gal and then she has sex with him, he doesn’t actually HAVE TO marry her since he already got what he wanted. Same thing with paying for rent or telephone bills or hotel rooms. He might very well have paid for it *IF* he had actually shown up and had a good time with you. Since he didn’t show up, there was no reason to pay. He only said he was going to give you money as bait to get you to do something. I feel like somewhere along the line, he didn’t feel he was going to get to hook up with you and bailed out.

      The second thing is that guys and girls that are used to people thinking they’re attractive get lazy. They feel privileged and basically accept and reject people at will. It’s a different lifestyle when you know you can get more women anytime you want and you can afford to ruin as many relationships as you want because you’ll never run out of women that want to spend time with you.

      So having the two of those in combination is a bad situation for a woman to be in… A guy that knows a lot of women want him AND is willing to lie about giving gifts or money and lie about having girlfriends in order to manipulate women into giving him what he wants isn’t easy for a woman to become on equal terms with. She’s always going to be behind the game because he’s playing by different rules.

      Congratulations on your Outstanding Services Award! πŸ˜€

  75. Hi,
    Bill. Thanks for your reply and thanks also for sharing me another new info that not only me but other single girls should read about men. I understand what do you means and now eventhough i met a lot of guys either they are attractive or not, for me is not a big deal. So far, i have yet back to my hometown and i know where i can found this guy because i did not know that my girlfriends knowing him-too-well compared to me are not in my hometown but working in other town.

    It is also not my concern Bill, either he is bluffing or lying, doesn’t matter. Humanizer men is not a new for me and i should take it as a complementing my jobs being a journalist..i’ve seen a lot of guy with different character & also girls.

    Ok here is my concerns now. And this question is playing in my mind day and night, and i never share it to anyone even my closed friend. I am not a person who is easily to share my problems with friends even my own sister. Nothing else but about guy.

    Bill, i am sure your will share something new to me, nothing else but men. i think i must share it through a guy because if i share this to my girls, i dont think they can give me the best answer i want.

    Here it is: Why men doesn’t believes when she said, i’m still single! Nope, i dont have boyfriend! I have been dates with a few guys but yet still..

    1. Pretty much, any gal that a guy finds attractive, he’s going to consider that he’s not the first guy to think that. There’s no reason to assume that other guys haven’t tried to make her their girlfriend already. That could be a source of the disbelief… That he feels like guys should have been trying to take her off the market already and he can’t believe that nobody’s in position with her right now.

      Another reason is that women (and men) tend to change the answer to whether they’re in a relationship or not based on who they’re speaking to. If the gal wants the guy to kick it to her, she’s going to say she’s single whether she’s in a relationship or not. Her boyfriend’s never going to know anyway, so what difference does it make to her? If she doesn’t want the guy to try to hook up with her, she’ll say she’s “taken” or “spoken for” or whatever. Enough of those lies, where a gal says she’s not in a relationship and then you mess with her and then find out that she *IS* in a relationship already and you stop taking women’s word for their relationship status.

      A third reason would be using the tactic of flattery. You want to make the woman feel like she definitely SHOULD be cherished by some guy to the point that he wants to have her all for himself and lock her down into being his girlfriend. In that case, it’s not a matter of disbelief, but of being courteous and trying to give her a compliment.

  76. Hi, Bill

    I have been missing a lot of your new post and other post too. Sometime, i feel i am getting married with my work as what my mum was told.

    First of all, i like the way Frank was answering those gals question. For me, it is not all about Frank is too blunt on his opinions but it is because he is speaking in his experience as a guy. No doubt on it.

    Lately, I met a guy. Of cos, as a career woman, i do not need men to support my monthly expenses nor paying my drinks and foods. But sometime, i wanted to be like other gals who are supported by their men either husband, boyfriends, sugar daddy or else. the first day we date, i taught eveyrthing is in a perfect way. But is not. I am paying the foods instead of he should play his roles as a gentlemen. I feel so terrible in a nightmare.

    I didn’t met him for a couple of month b’cos i dont want to continue the relationship. I dont need to further elaborate on that matter. Just enough, i felt being cheat on his liar sweet talks but no bugs or dollars in his pocket.

    Now, he is trying to convince me again why he was doing that just for tasting me. But i told him, all my life only once i really date an Asian guy. The rest is western. My last words to him is the past relationship is my mistake, not yours.

    Bill, do you think the way i answer him is not the correct way to talk with a liar guy?

    What do you think in the first date, women woman paid the foods and drinks? Is the guy is useles? Should i leave him, or continue the relationship? I don’t want to get marriage just because of my age is nearly 40? or Asian culture is taboo for those single women yet to marry after 30 yrs.


    1. It’s kind of funny, Marian, because it’s all one big game of chess or checkers.

      Everyone knows the moves. What’s tough to judge is sincerity.

      If I know a gal isn’t going to make herself useful unless I pay for her meal, I’m going to decide whether I care or not and if I do, I’ll pay for it and see what I get out of it.

      That doesn’t mean I like her. That doesn’t mean I’ll pay for anything else for her ever in life. That doesn’t mean I’ll ever spend time with her again.

      OTOH, I might not offer to pay for something and I might have the best time I’ve had in a long time. I might decide after that that she paid for the first one, so I’m paying for the next one.

      In general, I’m not concerned about who pays for what so long as we both have a good time and neither one of us is USING the other one.

      I know women that make 10 to 50 times as much money as I make per year. They travel around the world, have several homes and buy antiques, haha πŸ˜€ I still strive to pay for our events half the time because it’s just nice for people to feel appreciated when someone else picks up the tab for the good time they just had.

      I also know chicks that are flat broke. What do you want them to do? Get a job so we can go out for drinks together? πŸ˜€ haha Forget that. When I want to go out and I invite them, we both know I’m paying for everything because they can’t.

      So it doesn’t matter who pays for what, so long as everyone’s having a good time and everyone feels better about and closer to each other at the end of the day. πŸ˜‰

  77. I’ve been dating this guy for 3 months now. We’ve only been on one date when we first met. The rest of the times we take turns seeing eachother at eachothers houses. In the beginning the first week we talked on the phone, since then we’ve been txting. We talk alot about sex, when we see eachother we have sex. I know it sounds like fwb, but he calls us dating. We see eachother mostly on the weekends. Mostly once a wk, sometimes twice a wk we see eachother. We met through an online dating site. He’s still on it, I see that he logs on everyday. Do you think he’s seeing someone else or has a gf? Would he make things official eventually?

    1. This is a very interesting question, Kat.. Which actually requires its own individual post.

      You’re talking about the difference between “going out on dates” and “dating someone”. I never really considered that before.

      The only reason he would make anything “official” is if he’s looking for an official girlfriend. If he’s not, the relationship is what it is and it’s probably what it’s going to continue to be.

      A lot of women take the “Still on the dating service” thing to be an indication that he’s still looking or still actively dating from it. That’s not necessarily the case. Just because a guy is hooking up with one chick doesn’t mean he stops interacting with other chicks. You probably weren’t the first gal he met on there. He may have ongoing conversations with other gals happening. Dunno. It doesn’t mean he’s actively dating because he’s logging in to his account.

      Good Luck. I hope things work out the way you want them. I’ll link here when I write the actual post.

  78. One more question concerning this matter: Have you met a guy who uses Facebook often refuse to be his girlfriend’s “friend”? I mean, doesn’t it seem that if you care about the girl, wouldn’t you want to be her “friend”?

    No one I really care about would be missing from my Facebook friends, but guys might be different. So that is why I’m asking you what you think. Your insight would help me so much!


    1. I’m about to write a blog post about that, actually.

      Personally, I feel like if people are thinking about dating each other, they should *DEFINITELY* add each other on Facebook. It’s better to find out what someone’s like BEFORE you start dating them than AFTER.

      The other school of thought is that people don’t want their actual lives to be accessible by someone they’re starting to date until they’ve “gotten to know each other” and definitely want to be involved with each other. I think that’s pretty underhanded, actually. πŸ˜€

      So, Yeah.. If someone’s blocking someone that’s supposed to be a friend/GF/BF/husband/wife on Facebook, they’re probably either hiding something about their lives or hiding their significant other from their Facebook friends.

    1. It’s most definitely a big deal, Vaughn.

      Your mother always wants you to do well. Your mother wants to see you end up with a QUALITY woman. Your mother wants to know who the mother of her grandkids is going to be.

      So, if a guy introduces you to his mother… assuming he tells her he’s ******* you… that’s a big deal, because he’s opening himself up to criticism from his mother about the women he “brought home”.

      If his moms doesn’t like you, it’s gonna be a tough row to hoe, going forward.

      Having said all that.. Introducing you doesn’t mean you’re on the way to becoming his wife or babymomma or whatever.

      All it means is that he considers you QUALITY enough to meet his mother and that you’ll make a good showing and most likely not make an ASSHAT out of yourself in her presence.

  79. Hey bill i know the original point of this post was how to tell if he has a girl friend. But after scanning all the comments it seems that most girls are asking am i his girlfriend or part of a roster/jump off. What are your thoughts on that?

    1. That’s absolutely true, C Jay.

      That’s how women DO, though. They get involved first and hope they’re the only one he’s dating later.

      I really need to write “The Roster”. :/

      Maybe I’ll do that this morning, instead of my Girlie Shore post.

      I’m gonna try and bang it out, then I’ll post the link here.

  80. -have a situation I would love to get some male insight on:

    I met a guy online for the purposes of establishing a fXXX buddy (not the best move ever, sure, but this is what it is). So we exchanged pics, he was beautiful and had endless positive comments about how attractive he felt I was as well.

    We exchanged numbers and texted for about a week, not all day everyday, but we were in communication everyday. He tried to rush our meeting date but being that I was busy with school and other things as usual I kept declining and stayed with Friday. We met up Friday night around 8 and had a couple drinks, went back to my place and yes, we went at it forever. He ended up staying the night, I fell asleep on his chest on my couch and he didnt leave until 2 or 3 Saturday. I then got a call from him Saturday evening and he already wanted to come back over, I didnt mind so I agreed. We went at it again, watched a bunch of movies, drink some beers, and he ended up spending the night again. In the morning I ordered break fast for us and we ate, chilled some more, and he left around 1 or 2 that afternoon.

    THEN, Sunday I get a call from him only a few hours after he left and he wanted to come back over again. I thought this was strange but hes fine as fuck so, again, I didnt mind. It was the same scenario. I was never clingy with him, I probably treated him more like a piece of meat than anything. When he left around 2 or 3 on Monday we had this cute little moment where I told him he better not screw anyone else and he questioned why I own so much porn, we kissed, and he left.

    That week, he called almost everyday and invited me to go fishing with him and some family/friends. I had school so I didnt go. During the week he also sent me a text in the middle of an ongoing convo saying “I love you” then after I questioned it he said it just means I like you. He wanted to come over almost everyday during the week and this is when I realized he couldnt possibly have a job, but I figured Im just screwing him so what does it matter. So the next Friday he wants to come over but my female friend wanted to do a double date. I invited him but he said he couldnt make it over until much later in the night. So I went out with another guy and told him I would just see him saturday or sunday cuz i was in no rush to see him. then I got a text saying he was going to cali and would be back sunday. I kinda flipped out and mentioned i dont know what i was thinking waiting that long to see him and some other crap, even though he texted me several times during the week saying he missess me, as soon as i caved in, he became distant.

    so i barely heard from him until he got back from cali but it seemed i was his first stop almost right after he returned even though I was on the rag. I asked him how long he planned on staying and he said probably late. So we napped together, then when i mentioned I wanted to visit my friend and just relax and have some drinks and bring him along, he suddenly had to leave and do something. so I gave him an insane BJ and a few hours after we woke up from another nap and he left.

    I could sense shit was kinda different so i asked him to clarify what this was to him since it was supposed to be about sex and he started acting like he liked me in another fashion initially. I also threw in that another man Ive been dating wanted to be exclusive and asked if he gave a shit. so he sais, see whats up with the other guy then get back to me when you figure it out. i said to him, I have begun to like him even though I didnt intend to so we need to spend less time together if he is not on the same page, either you and I are going to be strictly fXXXXXX nsa or I want you all to myself, nothing in the middle. He sais he wants only sex for now (ofcourse) so i told him bye and he can just hit me up Friday. Thats where we are at now and Im wondering what could be going on with him that I havent considered cuz there are some strange things going on in the situation (aside for my being overly forward). I know this was long as fXXX, my apologies and Im hoping one of you has the patience to read this and actually answer it lol.

    1. Hey Nicole. πŸ™‚ Congrats on going for what you wanted (FB) instead of doing nothing with your life, trying to live it the way other people want you to.

      You’re right. What difference does it make whether he has a job, when his JOB is hooking up with you?

      That “I’ll pick and choose when I see you” thing usually backfires on women. In a situation where a dude’s willing to hook up with you on the spur of the moment, he’s also willing to hook up with any other chick he thinks is hawt, ASAP. All you’re doing by frontin’ is letting the next woman get a chance to steal your future time with him.

      I’m sure you noticed that every time you suggest hanging out with other people, he either vetoes it or bounces. What makes you think he’s willing to spend time with anyone but you? Now that I think about it, I can’t remember that ever happening to me. Not with a chick I was messing with. I would have just told her “You want to hang out with other people? Go ahead and do that. Let me know when you’re finished. If I’m still interested in seeing you, we’ll hook up later.”

      Also.. Did you say that he told you he had to go do something and then you blew him and he fell asleep? πŸ˜€ HAHAHAHA *EXCUSE* *FAIL*!!! πŸ˜€ hahaha

      “For Now” means “Forever”, actually. A guy’s not going to tell you “um.. Hellz naw, there’s no way I’m going to enter any type of exclusive relationship with you.” and jeopardize getting laid.

      I don’t think anything’s going on with him. I think that just like any other dude, he’s just trying to stay in the pocket and keep getting laid. What you’re experiencing is pretty typical for women.. It’s a kind of bait & switch, where y’all are cool with messing at first, but then catch feelin’s and start wanting things that dudes never signed on for from the giddyap.

      I think he’s just trying to weather that storm. If it comes down to a real ultimatum, he’ll bounce. It doesn’t seem like he’s looking for a girlfriend at all. I’ll be surprised if this situation becomes any closer to a “relationship”.

      Good Luck! πŸ˜€

      1. Thank you for your response Bill.

        Like most of my experiences with men, in only a time frame of one week, my feelings for this guy have virtually disappeared. Surprisingly, he agreed to join me at my friends place for some relaxing, drinking, and mingling by the pool side. Before he agreed, he was obviously hesitant and thats when the “fake kind and gentle girly girl” snapped and I got real with him. I stopped the convo and made him explain the apprehension about going out with me before the convo went any further.

        He explained that he likes to know exactly what hes getting himself into before he agrees to something, so I explained to him exactly what I had in mind for the night and he was cool with it. So he and a friend of his met up with me and my female friend and we hung out. We drink, talked, smoked a little… I was so horny throughout the entire week I couldnt focus on anything. I was working at the hospital, my patients were talking to me and yet all I saw in my mind many times was me riding the f*** out of him.

        Ive been into a few guys before but never to where it became a distraction to my professional world, so that was strange for me. Anyway, continuing with the night we met up…we were very close at the start of the night, physically all over one another, I was sitting on his lap, he was holding me, constantly whispering in my ear, yeah, it was f***** great.

        So later we went inside of my friends place and we decided to watch a movie. We all got comfy in her bed of all places and just chilled. He didnt try to sneak in any touching or even kisses, he just watched the movie. In fact he was way too concerned about whether his friend was getting any play from my friend through out the night. So after awhile I tell him to come with me and we take a walk outside. At times he comes off a bit too simple minded so I thought I’d try to pick his brain a little and see how interested he may or may bot be in having somewhat of a real convo.

        I asked him about his childhood, his parents, how close he was to them growing up, and how things are now. He answered in details and it seemed like a convo was developing until he abruptly stopped and asked if I wanted to go back in. I told him I wanted him to come back to my place (which was a 30 minute drive from where we were) cuz I wanted to get down to business (thats what i was thinking). He said he had to wake up really early and that we should just meet up again tomorrow even though I insisted.

        NOW THIS SHIT WAS WEIRD IN MY OPINION…the sole purpose of our “relationship” is to get together and then GET OFF TOGETHER, so why is he ok with meeting up with me, hanging out, and not getting any at the end of the night??? At this time it was approaching 12, now I realize there may be other girls he can call and get some from but then why the F even meet up with me in the first place if he wasnt going to absolutely get some? Was it so that his friend could meet my friend? Hes not that selfless so I dont understand at all.

        So we go back inside her place and he just wanted to chill and finish watching the movie. Now even though we all hopped in the same bed, I know he didnt think some kinda freaky ass foursome was gonna go down cuz his boy wasnt even getting any play from my friend let alone some shhhh like that happening lol. So I signaled for him to follow me….cuz Ill be damned if I wasnt gonna get some….I took him to the bathroom and got my fix lol.

        Now, yes, I was very loud, I know my friend and his friend heard it all, I didnt care for a second. And a needless detail just for shits and giggles, I made sure to tell him his sex was amazing and how incredible he felt inside me, all that BS, clearly he loved it…mission accomplished lol.

        So when we finished, we cleaned up, and he almost right away said he had to leave, he would see me tomorrow night, gave me a hug, and was outta the door in like 45 seconds flat…WTF!? Not even a kiss, and barely a real hug. Did he feel awkward cuz he just had sex in what was to him, a strangers home, and they could both hear everything? Did he just basically get what he wanted all along but was too scared to push for, for some odd reason, and leave once he was satisfied? Either way, just like everything else with him, he left me confused as F***. Now when I think of him, Im just not that moved. I suppose its because hes not really giving me what I want other than sex so I dont see a purpose. I dont want a relationship exactly but my desire for him needs to be reciprocated and him leaving without so much as a kiss for me says Im seriously wasting my time with this one!

        I plan on having a goodbye F session, any advice about this scenario so that I dont end up getting tangled in this ass holes web again? lol

        1. “clearly he loved it…mission accomplished lol” hehe That’s great, Nicole! πŸ˜€ hahaha

          You’re right. This is a strange situation, and it looks like he was just playing wingman for his boy to try to get some.

          You offered a remote location. He didn’t go for it. He didn’t offer you an alternative, like your car. He wasn’t trying to hit it in the house.

          You can’t really say “he got what he wanted”, when apparently, YOU orchestrated the entire thing. πŸ™‚

          There’s nothing wrong with that, and again, I’m glad you got to do what you wanted that evening, because that’s the bottom line in life, but generally, guys struggle to figure out *HOW* to get on… If you’re throwing it at him and he’s still cool to the prospect, meaning disinterested, he may very well have just been keeping you from cockblocking his boy, who ended up not getting on anyway.

          I think you have pretty good reason to be disinterested in him at this point, although you enjoy the sex. He’s not acting as if hooking up with you is a priority for him.

  81. It was a “fuck” let it go. Why over analyze it? He ain’t the one. Just be thankful you got what you needed that night. Tell me you are using protection otherwise you will be doing more than over analyzing.

  82. What does it mean when a girl asks a guy if he has a girlfriend and he responds with “i have more kids. k-count”? Does that mean he is getting girls or that ‘his sperm is building up’? Just wanted to see if there was an answer in this.

    Oh and if a guy has been trying to hook up with the same girl for about 3 years but is trying really hard to get to know her, remembering everything she tells him, and been keeping in touch all these years, what does that mean? i’ve asked other guys and they said what he was doesn’t didn’t seem like the ‘normal hookup/hit it and quit it’ kind of thing. he wasn’t selfish in bed at all, made sure i was feeling good and doing things right. but it wasn’t just sex. we talked before, during, and after. When I would tell him about other guys, he would get mad, threaten to beat them up (figuratively lol) and got really jealous. Now, we haven’t talked in a few months because i told him i dont want to just have sex anymore and he’s not ready, financially and emotionally etc which is fine but i feel like he’s checking up on me, like my blog, fbook, etc. He’s even changing his profile picture like right after i do it or within a day, like he wants me to see it and either hate him or keep him in mind. he’s tried to figure me out when concerning relocating to marrying a guy and joked with me in front of his friends about moving in together. all this stuff. what does it all mean? we are both in our mid 20s.

    1. Hey, Tiffany. πŸ™‚

      I’ve never heard the term “k-count”, so I have no idea what that means.

      Interesting about that dude you’re kickin’ it with. Expect not to see him for several more months (or ever again) if you told him you don’t want to hook up with him anymore.

      The thing is that there’s a stereotype that guys are only interested in hooking up with chicks and that we have no other uses for y’all, whatsoever. That’s not always the case.

      Some guys actually enjoy treating women like girlfriends, whether they’ve handed out that title to you or not.

  83. I get it by why did he hang on to me for so long? Why does he remember everything I tell him? I thought guys who didn’t care didn’t pay attention to things they don’t care about? Why does he want my attention for a simple little thing like facebook? When I told him I didn’t want to hook up with him and I liked our friendship the way it was he said he considered my a friend, nothing more or less. That he wanted us on the same page. He knew that I liked him all these years because I told him both sober and drunk lol and he still wanted me around. I just don’t get it and don’t understand. We are very similar and I’ve never met anyone like him who is so like me in my whole life. Seriously when we hang out it’s like we get eachother and finish eachothers sentences. His actions don’t make sense to me. πŸ™ is this a he never gave a damn about me or a he’s not ready situation? He’s not getting younger with this single I don’t want to be tied down kind of thing! If anything, I’m the one that’s gonna be the hard one to tie down! :-p I forgot to mention he traveled the last few years so we were apart for awhile but I have a feeling that got in the way, not sure. He’s back now but lives about 8 hrs away from me. I want to mention that while he was gone, I believe he had a girlfriend there which I’m whatever about cause he was probably lonely but he didn’t really talk to me while she was there but I noticed he didn’t change his relationship status at all on ‘facebook’ or even just make it public. I have a feeling he did that cause of me cause he knew I probably wouldn’t talk to him if I had seen it. I don’t think he’s the type to hide his status cause I know he was in a relationship before me and it was made public.

    I also want to say I noticed most if not all his relationships have been long distance. Not sure why but I guess guys have certain reasons for this. My friend once asked me about his relationships and I told her most if them were long distance and she said how did they end up? I said they didn’t last and probably ended on sour notes and she said well maybe he’s not doing that with you because of what has happened in the past. I guess she’s right but everything just confuses me!

    Anyway, it was his birthday last week and I worked up the guts to tell him happy birthday even tho he never responds to anyone when they tell him that. He actually went back that night and thanked everyone for their wishes, which he has never done before. He thanked me and told me something silly about updating my blog, something we always joked about and I joked back at him to update his! My friends told me he could have either not responded or just been ‘nice’ and just say thank you, but they said the fact he added something to it means he still cares about me. They even joked that he wanted to write me and didn’t want to make it obvious and wrote to everyone else lol but I’ve learned not to assume anything so I’ve let that joke go!

    I think i need more advice! Agh it’s been awhile and I think that’s why it’s affected me so much :(.

    1. “When I told him I didn’t want to hook up with him and I liked our friendship the way it was he said he considered my a friend, nothing more or less. That he wanted us on the same page.”

      Of course he did. That’s Standard Operating Procedure (SOP). If he had said anything else, you would have bounced, and he wouldn’t have gotten laid.

      I don’t think this is a situation of his not caring about you. Y’all seem to have a good friendship. That doesn’t mean he’s going to spend time paling around with you when he could be having sex with some chick that’s interested in hooking up with him.

      Also, if he lives 8 hours away from you, you’re a Long Distance Relationship (LDR). Your rap can be easily undermined by any female that lives way closer to him that he can have access to at the drop of a hat.

      The best reason for a guy to continually get involved in LDRs is that he can’t get caught dating other girls.

      I think he most definitely cares about you and likes you as a person and a friend. For some reason, you’re confusing that with some kind of exclusive girlfriend status.

      How many grown-ass-men do you know that have girlfriends that they’re not having sex with? o_O haha Those are called FRIENDS! πŸ˜€

  84. yeah we did do the ‘ld hook up r’ before he left the country but i highly doubt he was hooking up with other chicks because he was always in contact with me everyday that it didn’t even seem like he would have the time to do that with other girls. litterally, at all hours of the day i would hear from him. i can’t assume anything about him now, he may or may not be having sex with other girls, i wouldnt know of course, but i do know he likes to hide it from me and he doesnt want me to know. not sure why that is. most guys wouldnt care and do it with anyone they had a chance with. lol i think he confuses me just as much as im confused! i just know that if he ever got in a relationship, he would hide it from me and probably not make it aware, even on a social networking site because he wouldnt want me to see that and get mad or never talk to him again. idk. with his ldr, i actually think he didn’t have multiple girls at once. he doesnt seem like the type of guy to do that. i think he did that because he likes his distance just as much as being with a girl?? i don’t think he is working now or that he makes it seem like he doesn’t have money or still getting on his feet after returning and i was told a guy wont get involved with a girl if he doesnt have his stuff together…

    anyway, i dont get him and you have helped some ways even though i wish he would have let me go a long time ago or actually told me how he felt instead of keeping me around all these years. one day he asked me ‘where are we’ and i took it wrong and answered dumbly and literally said where we were only to realize he meant ‘what are we’ later. i asked him what he meant in an email the next day and he never responded to it. not sure why but ill probably never get the answer to that. thank you for your time!

  85. Hi,

    I was engaged to my ex and we dating for almost 3 yrs. We called off the engagement bcuz we were having fights over stupid things and things got out of hand. I didnt have any contact with him for 3 yrs. Recently, i contacted him to be friends and put this behind us. I truly love him and want to be with him. I bump into his mom and brothers at a wedding last month and they were really happy to see me. When i contacted my ex, he did respond on fb, and i told him to call me and gave him my number, first he said he cant see me and cant be friends, he came up with all these excuse and then he said he has a gf. I thought hes lieing to make me jealous. so i gave him my number so he can call. He said he wont. but he did end up calling me after few days. I even mention that he doesnt have to call me with his number. he can block his number bcuz i just want to talk and not interested in his #. So finally he called me and we been texting. We did meet after that and he was all over me and trying to touch me, he said he missed me and i wouldnt let him kiss me and he got frustrated and force himself on me and kissed me. He said he missed me and asked me if i missed him and i said no. He told me Im the best he ever had. He said he has a gf and he has to leave early to go see her. I dont know if hes lieing or telling the truth. Everytime i talk to him hes stories changes. first it was fiance, second time it was gf and now hes saying hes getting married in march. I dont know what to do or make out of it. I always text him so i stopped. I wanted to see if he makes any contact with me or not other than me apporaching him first. if i dont talk to him for 2 or 3 days he text me. Please help. I really want to know if he really has a gf or not.

    1. Hey Sofia. πŸ™‚

      I don’t think it’s important whether he has a girlfriend or not.

      What’s important is that he’s not treating *YOU* like he wants you to be his girlfriend.

      If you keep pressing up on him, calling him, texting him, inviting him to hang out, letting him feel you up, etc, eventually, he’s gonna hit it and bounce and then you’re going to be mad at yourself.

      There’s no indication here that if you hook up with him that he’s going to leave his current girlfriend for you, *IF* he even HAS a girlfriend.

      So, it all comes down to what you want. If you want to hook up with him, go ahead and do that. If you want him to be your boyfriend or whatever, make sure he starts acting as if he wants to be with you before traveling down that road on your own.

  86. I stopped contacting my ex to see if he contacts me or not.. I didnt talk to him for two days and he text me telling me how his exam went well. I dont know y hes telling me abt his exam. I mean according to him he has a gf so shouldnt he be telling her that?? we text and joke around and talk about how it used to be before..its been 4 days and i had no contact with him. I dont know if i should contact him or not. I want to ask my friend who is getting married to his friend but i dont want to look clingy or desperate.

  87. Situation been 12 yrs off and on we have been thru hell and back!! Long story short when we first began there was a girl who would drop her car off to him at his mothers house and leave for work!! I would be there see this and thought nothing of it. we would continue our day of hanging out and when I would leave God only knows what would happen. I noticed however one night i was there and left early called to speak to him and the family would allow me to talk to him they said he was busy. Okay so I thought that was odd returned over there and he was in the room with the girl big scene mother screams “You knew!!” Fast forward 12 years later ups and downs backs and forths recently a close friend of mines I told that I was seeing this person tells me that he is close with his cousin and hes seen some things that quite the contrary. I ignore this and mention this to him and he doesnt make light of the situation doesnt deny nor confirm. Three days ago I am speaking with the friend again I he tells me the same thing hes not a good guy hes playing you!! As of recent me and this guy have been getting rather close Im assuming all is finally well and we are finally getting somewhere. So I say No one should say that I shouldnt talk to you that we know because you have a girlfriend I tell him on occasions in the past it has seemed that way and some of the things he has done as of recent like disappear for 2 weeks has made me wonder so I ask Do you have a girlfriend or wife that youre not being honest about? I have sense not received an answer blatantly clear I guess but wouldnt it be better to know from the cows mouth

    1. Basically, Blackpearl, there are only SOME GUYS that are interested in monogamous relationships.

      The rest of us mess with as many chicks as we feel like, whenever we feel like, and that’s the end of the story.

      From what you just wrote, it’s obvious that he has more chicks than you, however, you’re cool with that. πŸ™‚

      The reason I say you’re cool with it is that you’re willing to take his word for what y’all’s relationship is, so check this out:

      If he’s messing with other chicks and tells you he’s only with you, you act like y’all are exclusive.
      If he’s being exclusive with you and says he is, you act like y’all are exclusive.

      See what I’m saying? πŸ˜€ .. Whether he’s getting pizaid behind your back or not, it doesn’t matter, because you act the same way, regardless. He could be with 0, 1, 2, or 6 other women, and it’s all the same to you.

      Personally, I approach EVERY situation as if a chick has a boyfriend. Right off the bat. I’m not going to ask her. I don’t care. I’m going to ASSUME she has a boyfriend before I even introduce myself to her.

      If she feels like proving to me that she doesn’t, then she can change her status. Until that time, I assume she’s messing with any number of other guys, and it’s all the same to me, because I don’t care.

      So, basically, your situation’s going to continue as-is until you decide otherwise.

      As long as you’re enjoying yourself, keep having fun… If you think dude’s going to propose to you or something, you might be in for a rude awakening… ESPECIALLY considering that HIS FAMILY’s down with the cover-up, which means they already know how he rollz and they’re willing to support his lifestyle.

  88. Hello Bill,

    So here’s my situation: I met a guy online, we sent text messages for a few days, and we kinda played phone tag for a few days until I had time and cared to sit and have a convo with him. The first time we talked over the phone, we talked for about an hour and he asked me to come over and meet him. I obviously didn’t think this was the way to meet being that it was late and didn’t know him that well. But I threw all of those thoughts and and went over anyway. He has a young child who he has sole custody of so I suppose this was the justification for me going to him rather the other way around…and the reason why its been like that til this day. When we met, I went in his apt and we talked awhile, drink some beers. He had this conceited smirk on his face and I knew from the way he spoke he was overly confident and probably even had some well established tricks up his sleeve. He asked me things like, “if I were your man would you want me to quit smoking”, I answered maybe, and he instantly threw hos cigg on the balcony ground. He did shit like that all night. I knew he was full of it lol. Then I suppose maybe he drink too much and had a period of depression, nearly crying about how his kids mom didn’t want him or his son and that no woman would want him forever (his son is 2).

    He later snapped out of it ando we went back in and continued talking and drinking. Then he got a little strange again and called his kids mom who lives out of state, asking me to talk to her. I then figured he could not possibly be over her and has some serious issues to work out with himself. I told him I was leaving and stood up to leave. He Hung up on her, said he was being an idiot and thought it would impress me (this fuck is 25) and started begging me to stay. I explained to him what I was thinking and opened the door to leave.

    This is when he grabbed my arm and continued begging me to stay. This is the fucked up part. I was so turned on from this, i have no clue why. I said no, even though at that point I kinda wanted to stay, and I walked out. He followed me out and kept asking me to stay and I explained I didn’t wanna be rude but that maybe its best we don’t talk anymore. He asked again and I went to my car. As I walked to my car I realised how turned on I was. Once I got to the car he kept calling me on the phone repetedly. Again, this can’t be articulated but I was more turned on than I had ever been. After the 5th or 6th call I decided to go back.

    We laid on the couch staring at one another and then I suggested we go to his bed. The deed was done and I fell asleep in his arms. After this, he went into over drive. He called everyday multiple times, was always texting, and even seemed jealous when I didn’t answer his calls. Then, one night that I went over we acted out one of his fetishes, I won’t go into details, but let’s just say most women would have slapped him and never talked to him again after bringing something which would typically be considered weird, up. Later we fell asleep. I went home very early in the morning however, and when he called me he seemed weird about how I may look at him now. I assured him I still respected him. Nothing was the same after that. The calls stopped, he almost never initiated texts anymore, and I turned into the aggressor for weeks. He would only msg or call me when he wanted to see me.

    That is basically still where things are at. It’s been nearly 3 months. I go over, he always wants me to spend the night, we always have sex, he has told me he loves me at least 3 times, he has cried in my arms twice, always seems dissapointed when I leave, I play with his son, I’ve met a few of his friends, sometimes I get calls from him having anxiety attacks saying he needs me or misses me. But still, he only calls me to come over, never just to talk, and then spills his guts everytime I see him. Tells me he’s into me more than any other woman he’s ever dealt with, all this shit. But hos favorite thing to do is blame his emotions on us drinking when I ask about things he’s said. And recently he called my phone, and my ex answered, he flipped out and blew my phone up from 4am to 6am but later claimed it wasn’t because of me, only because he felt disrespected by my ex. I went as far as letting to talk to my ex to show I had nothing to hide.

    Anyway, I like this guy a great deal simply because I Can’t seem to turn off this powerful feeling he gives me whether Im with him or not. I’m wondering if you can give me some insight as to where his head may be in terms of he and I. Thanks.

    Jane doe

  89. Well i think your situation is very interesting, the reason you were so turned on an attracted was because you subconsciously saw an opportunity to take control and that’s what you did.So a role reversal occurred and you became the dominant one. It seems to me like you guys are trendy towards a relationship, even though he may not call you his girlfriend you basically are since you spend all that time together even if you get a title the interactions will be the same.

  90. Thank you Cjay for the response

    I suppose I am experiencing first hand, the fundamental difference between the way a man and woman think. I have recently said no to going over his place the last 4 times he has called. I love the Passion between the two of us and the way I don’t wanna be anywhere else when I’m with him…however…I need mutual respect regardless of the “title”. I’m not getting any so I backed off. If I only get calls after 10pm, never even get a “hey how are you”, its very difficult for me to see how he would look at me like a girlfriend. The last time he called, he asked me to come over, it was 12am and his mom was at his place visiting from out of town. Is he just strange or does the accumulation of his unorthodox actions and statements actually mean anything good for me? Im not into trying to change people but I’m considering letting this breathe for a few months (as in cutting off all contact) and seeing if we can start over in a sense and maybe showing who I am in a different light or basically outside of his apartment. I have done things with him he claims he has never been able to open up to anyone else about so I figure he will think of me every now and then. He has recently transitioned from working for himself to a 9-5 and has said many times that he’s trying to straighten his finances out and that its stressing him. For this reason, and for the other obvious ones, letting things breathe seem like a good idea…being that I would like to see this become something with substance one day, is this a good idea or should I just keep it moving?

    Jane Doe

    1. I would say Don’t just cut off all contact because that is not the reset button you are looking for. 3 months from now your just going to pick up where you guys left off. If you want to do things that couples do then you are going to have to take the initiative remember you are leading this now whether you like it or not. I would say invite him to dinner or drinks or something simple yet out side the house then you can have a talk with him and explain your concern’s.

      p.s like bill always says make sure you look at his actions to and not his words alone.

    2. Basically.. The problem is that you’re enjoying spending time with him, so by attempting to create rules about when you’re going to come over, when he can call you and what you want to do with him, you’re messing up YOUR good time, not HIS.

      What you’re saying would make sense if he were the only one winning because you came over. You keep saying how much you like it, so that’s that.

      As far as him getting his fetish on with you, that’s a good sign. It shows that he trusts you enough to let you a little closer into his real world. Same thing for letting you play with his kid.

      The talking on the phone with exes is pretty weird, though. Strange. πŸ˜€

      Also, the stalking after you gave him some is a really bad sign.

      So.. Basically, you’re both sweating each other, and the question is whether he’s willing to take you out on an actual date or not. Even if he did, he’d claim that he’d need to bring his son along or else incur the expense of a babysitter (if he knows one to hire).

      The only thing to figure out here is whether he actually WOULD go out with you in public.

      A lot of women assume that just because a dude will hit it, he’ll go on a so-called “date” with you, and that’s just not true.

      In fact, there are lots of guys that will privately hook up with chicks that they would be EMBARRASSED to be seen with in public.

      So, Yeah.. C Jay’s advice seems like the move. Invite him somewhere public during a time when he’s not supposed to have to take care of his son and see what happens.

  91. Thanks for the response Bill

    Yes, I think you answered the question I needed answered but wasn’t exactly asking lol. I’ve know this guy for about 3 months, after a couple weeks of knowing him I invited him to the lake with me and some friends, he declined saying he couldn’t take his son because of the heat, HOWEVER, I spent the night at his place and the day of he kept asking me to stay with him rather than go. I fell back asleep and missed the whole damn thing.

    This same day, he suggested we go to a restaurant for breakfast but he wasn’t going to pay. Suggested me and his son get breakfast and we all hang out. At a later date, he suggested the same exact thing, but again, he wasn’t going to pay.

    In addition to that, he has stated that he would love to be my man and do all of the things a man does for his woman, but that he just isn’t financially there right now and to give him time.

    At this point, things just seem weird and unnatural between us. I do love the time we spend but why is it that he attributes all of his feelings and actions to having drinkin during the time we were together…everytime? I feel for me to once again ask HIM out is stepping far too much into what I feel should be the male role, that its positive reinforcement for the things he doing that I don’t like, and I don’t think ill ever get him to step up if he knows I will just do it for him. Am I wrong in that assumption? Or is it more important that I swallow my pride and just see if he’s ok with going out publically with me?

    He’s submissive sexually but otherwise he is very dominant. I don’t have as much control in this as it may seem. And I know hes a read between the lines kinda guy. During a past convo I asked him what changed when he stopped calling and texting. His reply, if I didn’t do things the way I did, you wouldn’t like me the way you like me right now. So, sometimes I feel like I’m being played with. I wanna know about the going out in public thing, but I don’t want him to think he’s my only option and that I’m going all out to get him…he’s just my favorite (ever), so how would I ask him out and convey just that, or something close to it?

    1. hehe I don’t know what him paying or not paying has to do with anything, but from the way you describe it, he seems to think you’re a trick that’s sweating tha dilznick. πŸ˜€

      If you invite him out in public, he’s likely to either veto the concept directly or ask you if you’re going to pay for the external date.

      If you feel like paying to take him out, you might enjoy yourself.

      Women get mentally caught up on a lot of things that men don’t ever think or care about. I’m sure his concept of what’s going on between y’all is much simpler than yours.

  92. Cjay, thank you as well for the feedback and advice. Didn’t meant to make it sound like I was leaving your comments out. Look forward to any additional feedback you may have, thanks!

  93. Well Bill and CJay, I suppose I have my answer. All in all, I’m still confused about a lot of things but it sounds like basically I’ve blown this up and over analyzed everything in my head while he probably looks at me as a consistent booty call who he’s really comfortble with.

    I received yet another text last night at 11pm asking me to come over and meet his mom before she leaves in a couple days. I said id come by to meet her during the day but I’m busy right now and will ttyl. His reply, “nope bye”.

    I’m still not sure why he continues to ask me over while his mom is there at booty call hours. I just don’t get it. In addition to that, I’m well aware that I have a very different and distinct taste in men, if we went out I’m certain people would be wondering what I’m doing with him, not the other way around. Im attractive, petite, I have a great career, when I’m with his son I spoil him and treat him as if he were mine, he knows he can open up to me and has even cried with me, i have more than shown him he’s special to me and by the way he always has to clentch the bed sheets, I know I’m doing my job in the bedroom. No matter how many other girls he may have, there’s no way he has another me “on his roster”!

    Even if he didn’t wanna commit, he could still be more considerate of me, that’s honestly all I want.

    I’ve been telling him no for 3 weeks at this point and he is still messaging me. I know men hate rejection and I know he in particular has an allergy to being told no. If I cut him off, he’s probably only gonna come at me harder in an effort not to “take a loss”. If I start paying more attention to other guys, Its gonna feel empty, the Passion just won’t match what I feel for him. However, he just frustrates me. So because I’m undecided, I’m just going to keep blowing him off, I’d like to see how desperate he may get.

    Jane Doe

    1. Nobody’s mom wants to meet some chick in the middle of the night.


      That was just a ploy to see if he could get you to the crib and hit it.

      Every time you say “no”, he calls the next chick in his phone list.

      It’s no big deal. He’s not acting like he values you. Move on, unless you’re enjoying this interaction with him.

      1. i had sex with this guy yesterday, some weeks ago he told me that we couldn’t have sex again after 2 days of us having sex since he has a gf now, so we had sex again, does that mean he is single?

  94. So, you had sex, then he said he was off the market, then he came back for sex. The only thing you know to be true is that he likes having sex with you. Anything else without evidence is wishful thinking provided you want him to be single.

  95. He was single…. he was single at that very moment! Unfortunetly, its not his job to prove he was single, it was your decsion to make when it came to having sex with him. Granted, you very well may have said NO had he not been single BUT maybe you should have asked more questions if just a few weeks ago he said he was with a GF. Not putting all this on you but when dudes are in game mode…its on you to figure it out.

  96. Jade: The reason you’re confused is that guys say whatever they need to so they can get laid.

    If saying “I have a girlfriend” gets us laid, that’s what we will say to you.
    If saying “I’m single” gets us laid, that’s what we’ll say to you.
    If saying “I had a girlfriend until yesterday, but I’m single now” gets us laid, that’s what we’ll say to you.

    So, basically, unless you have some way of checking whether this dude has a girlfriend or not, you need to follow Frank’s advice and make up your own mind whether you want to hook up with this guy or not, REGARDLESS of the relationship status he claims.

  97. When I asked him if he wanted me to bring him lunch to his house he hasn’t been replying to any of my messages that I asked him about wanting to get to know him. That was st 4pm of yesterday. It’s 1:16 where I am at now. I don’t get it.

  98. When I asked him if he wanted me to bring him lunch to his house he hasn’t been replying to any of my messages that I asked him about wanting to get to know him. That was st 4pm of yesterday. It’s 1:16 where I am at now. I don’t get it. Why is it that he ignores certain messages

  99. i didn’t mean to put that more than once, anyways my point is that all of a sudden he is no longer texting me so yea it bothers me because he was just texting me last night, then all of a sudden when i told him i would come to his house and bring him lunch so we could eat it together he is ignoring me, i mean why is he ignoring me? He is not the type of guy to do that he either tells me whether he wants to or not so this is a little wierd, and how come he tells me stuff other stuff that has nothing to do with work. I mean if he really didn’t want me to know about him why would he tell me little things like, “he has to cut his hair for his job” and things like “he works at Frys”

    1. This may apply or not…take it for what its worth coming from a guy who you dont know. Once upon a time (and on several different occasions involving different people) i did not have a GF but i did that that one comfortable “friend” who would come and go as she pleased (so long as she notified me of course). Because she was the one who actually had access to me in that fashion, I wouldnt excatly jump at the bit when a different one would volunteer to come over. That could lead to those embarrasing momments that becaome part of the “that akward moment when you about to get it and the one who is down for whatever shows up…”. The potential to lose two is very real. again, take as you wish… just a true story moment!

        1. lol i volunteered come over last time and he invited me over, then we planned to meet again friday so i could give him $5 for the bus, (we both are 19) and he said ok, but when i texted him telling him i would thats when he stopped replying. He actually asked for my help and i told him i would help him

          1. The short answer is you don’t know why. It could be completely unrelated to anything you’ve done. OR he’s got something going on at his crib, that’s his own business, that he doesn’t want to expose to you. Like a crazy aunt or something. Or his girlfriend.

      1. Jade: The reason Frank’s story might apply to you is that if dude already has at least one other chick, and potentially several others, his interest in whether *YOU* come over or not is going to wax and wane.

        Also, between the time that you offer to make plans with him and the time those plans roll around, he might have something else to do, or, like, if you said you were coming over tomorrow and some other chick comes over tonight, she hasn’t left yet, or he’s spent enough “chick time” for now, and he’s doing other things and will get back to you when he gets back to you.

        Like Frank said, that might have nothing at all to do with your particular situation, but it’s a possibility.

  100. His girlfriend doesnt live in the same state as him. Well at least he told me had a girlfriend apparently she is coming back next month. If he really is attached. Why do men have girlfriends if they are trying to get laid by another women? What is the point why can’t they ask their girlfriends for sex? That guy text me back but if he is looking for sex he won’t get it. I’m on my period so even if I wanted to I couldn’t though some guys do have sex with girls on their periods which I find gross because no mayer how much we shower there will always be blood coming, out

  101. Jade, I just wanna send a reply to you. You sound extremely lost when it comes to understanding guys which in different ways many of us females are…its not just you. We are the reason for msg boards like this lol. Do yourself a favor and read EVERY SINGLE BLOG BILL HAS EVER WRITTEN about relationships and men. Then, after you have read them all, go back and read them again lol. I think “the roster” will do you some good! I don’t know that I ever expect to fully understand men, maybe we simply aren’t built to understand them, and that itself is probably a lot of what makes cat and mouse so fun and addicting even when it becomes an unhealthy situation. You’re 19 and certainly don’t need to be so invested in a guy who is acting “standoffish” towards you. If there’s anything I do know about men, if they give a shit about you, and trust me the reasons can vary and be kinda shallow/strange/hella temporary, then they will show you attention in a consistent manner. In addition, they will show you some courtesy and respect simply because they value you in that particular era of time at least and don’t wanna F a good thing up. If he’s blowing you off sometimes its probably cuz he doesn’t give a ish and he knows you’re available for him to pick right back up where he left off at anytime. And men don’t routinely have the ability to decline P especially when its being thrown at them so I’m guessing he has a nice steady supply coming from elsewhere, meaning, another chick is breakin him off and well lol. My advice, let yourself indulge in whatever it is you get from this experience. Jock him as you can’t resist doing and just see what happens. In the end, you’ll eventually snap out of your feelings for him. Most of what you feel for him is what you created in your head about him, when you realize that, you’ll start to see him for his true qualities or lack there of. It’s a lot better to experience this type of thing while you’re young rather than later, trust me. Stop giving him money though, you can be a fool for love but never give a guy money under these circumstances!

    1. Jane hit *SEVERAL* nails on the head right thurrr, Jade.

      Make sure you read what she wrote several times and commit it to memory.

      As far as the blood, that’s no big deal. That’s what condoms are for.

  102. annaI just want to share my somewhat odd, and amusing experience with this one guy “friend”. Met him through mutual friends who had known him awhile…he had just broken up with his long time girlfriend after she cheated. She got pregnant about the same time she had cheated, so no one knew who the daddy was. Anyway….after knowing him about six months things got weird. He had just announced he was the father of the baby. Then about a week and a half later he sent me a instant message on facebook but I didn’t realize it til the next day. So about a week later I saw him online and said hey…he signed off really quick. So I text him and he replied a few minutes later with “I really miss you…you up to hanging out???” I said I can’t because my car wasn’t working right. We talked for a few more minutes, he asked me several questions about how I’m doing, ect then out of the blue he said “I have to go bye” and disappeared. Soo, about an hour later I was going through my friends list and he’s gone! I text him again ” you mad at me why did I get deleted?” And he had some odd excuse that didn’t make sense, but then he asked me,again, to come see him. We talked for about two hours and he was saying stuff like “do you see me as a friend or more?” I said “friend” and he said he don’t see me like that because he can’t “control” himself when I’m near. His behavior just got even stranger….our other mutual friend ended up getting deleted a few days later. She was really annoyed and told me to ask him why, he said his sister hacked his account and did it. Wtf lol. So he added her back…I guess my curiosity started to kick in, so I asked if he had a girlfriend. He said “no single and very lonely” lol. He still begged me to come over, my friends said to just go over and see if you can figure out what is up with him. So I agreed and we were supposed to meet on Tuesday. Monday I’m scrolling through my fb messages and seen a his message he sent, but realized there was no default pic. I clicked on it, and I realized I was blocked! so I text him, asking “we still hanging out tomorrow?” He answered right away and said yes. I demanded to know why I was blocked..he said his “ex” hacked his account and deleted almost all the girls on his page and locked him out. I asked all our mutual friends to see if they got deleted and they had, all except for one who he never talked to. We went on his page and noticed most of the females were gone and he had opened his wall back up. So I go to meet him, and he still stuck to this story! He tried to seduce me too…but being really annoyed since he must think I have the intelligence of a fly, I got him all hot and bothered til he almost cried. then he asked me what he is doing wrong, and do I find him attractive, and then flat out said “you don’t want me do you”. So I told him that’s not true I just have a lot on my mind…I did feel kinda bad about it. Afterall I did consider him,at one time, a friend….so.a few days later I sent him a text saying it was nice seeing him the other day. He didn’t respond til after 5 and said his “ex” read the text and flipped out. I said I was sorry, and asked again if they are together and he still denied it. I apologized again, we talked for a few minutes, and he said “its ok, ill text you this time lol” I haven’t heard from him since, but a few months later I did get a random text from someone using his phone asking who I was lol. i did check his fb about a month later and he had him and his ex cuddling in his default pic.Let this be a lesson learned on what a guy should NOT do if he is trying to be a player….lol. and girls, just because he invites you to his house doesnt mean he is single! And if he only contacts you at certain times, or hides his websites from you beware. Oh and this guy is in his 20’s, not highschool by the way. and for some weird reason I do miss him but I realize what kind of person he is now.

    1. Here’s the problem, Anna.

      This dude can’t handle his own affairs.

      If you keep messing with him, his lack of control is going to become *YOUR* problem.

      Be careful.

  103. and what I meant by I when I got him all hot and bothered…I teased him to the point he couldn’t handle it and wouldn’t give in to him. that’s when he started asking if I even found him attractive and told me I’m cold lol but he was clearly lying to me about what was going on

    1. That’s all well & good, as far as recreationally toying with someone, but what’s the fascination?

      This dude is obviously out of control. Your teasing him is basically taking candy from a baby.

  104. Ok, This is my situation, I met this guy at Wal-Mart, he was in his gym clothes, and I thought I knew him, and I didn’t so I walked away, he followed me down the next aisle and asked me my name? I told him and then he screened me right there? Show me your hands, you have a husband? a boyfriend? kids? what do you do? very upfront and straight to the point… He asked for my number, and called my phone right their. he said he was saving it. We talked for sevaral weeks, and on a friday night he called me after i got off work and said he was heading to the gym, and asked if i wanted to see him,,, i said call me i will see if i am still in town… i was and i thought to my self with dating this did’t seem right… but it was a public place and not to cliche at first, we talked in the car for 2 hrs, and that was that, no kiss, no hug, nothng…. , well weeks went by and we talked diffrent times through out the day, and good am text in the am, then he moved away….? he is in army to another city… said he still would like to keep in touch, i backed off , and it had been a week since we conversated, i was playing the i ‘m n ot interested game, well One sunday he called me 3 times 7 am, 5. pm and i finally returned his call around 6:30 , and he said he was on way home from guard….he wanted to see me, and asked me to meet him at the park???

  105. If your gut is telling you its not right. IT AINT RIGHT: TRUST YOUR GUT. (and if you have to ask someone if its right then you know something is wrong about this….right?)

    and it really doesn’t matter if he has this or he is doing that. Really its all about YOU…something is wrong, don’t get emotionally tied up or involved with bullshit.

      1. no we aint crazy they just want us to think we are crazy. Do not second guess yourself. If it feels wrong it is.

  106. my favorite bumper sticker:

    for men or women:

    If it looks like crap, smells like crap then it is crap.

  107. TJ: I agree with Tina that you should trust your instincts.

    If you don’t feel like everything’s good with a situation, bail out, dust yourself off, and try again.

    The way he pressed up on you for personal information from the giddyap, he should have tried to get on, but he didn’t.

    Seems pretty weird. Move on to the next guy.

  108. guys i have a story to tell you…i ve been on and off with this guy for 5years the 1st time me and him broke up cuz his girlfriend at the time called me on new years and stated that shes was with him for 5years and and i was with him for 6mths at the time…and a year later i took him back smh ever since she called me the 1st time me and when broke up…its been an on and off rollercoaster to a point where we argue and break up argue and break up….i never really felt this way about a guy before and when i tried to move on i fuck it up and go back to him….now thats its going on 5 and a half years that we been seeing each other i have falling out of love with him….i feel thats its only sex cuz his friends go back and tell my friends one thing saying that hes still in with his ex been together for 10 years now and that im jus getting used everytime they argue he goes back to me or if me and him argue he goes back to her….i was the only one always at his house with the family they claim they dont like her….and 5years ago when she called my phone she said that she never got along with them and never will and that shes more of a mother then his own mom is…his friends warned me on the low but i wouldnt listened they feel i need to open my eyes and recognize it…i really love him….his emotions comes out when hes drunk what does that really mean…because i heard a drunk mind speaks the truth or whatever the case maybe….any suggestions?i feel like i was too nice to him and gave him anything that he wanted and they realize it or maybe their just mad cuz out of the 5years i been dealing with this asshole i never seen any of his friends with girls and their forever asking me do i have any friends….and maybe it is true about him seeing the other girl while he is mad at me….or does the same thing to her….but me and her have 4 mutual friends and we spoke in the past….but if they been together on and off for 10 years and me for 5years somethings not right its not only our fault its his fault smh….we jus love the wrong guy and fall for his dumbness meanwhile he having his cake and eating it tooo….last but not least i messaged her on facebook she never responded i dont have her number cuz he took it out of my phone smh

    1. Thanks for the comment, Yellow Girl. πŸ™‚

      Basically, there are two different things going on.. Your relationship to him and his relationship to you. This is true in *any* relationship.

      The way it sounds to me, he has at least two women.. You and the one you know about and any other women that you currently do not know about.

      It sounds like that’s the way he likes it. I’m not buying this “goes to you when he’s mad at her” thing. I think he hooks up with whichever one of y’all he feels like hooking up with at the time, and life is grand.

      There’s this misconception that women have that they can force a guy to select them for an exclusive relationship. That isn’t true. All you can do is leave.

      You’re not going to do some kind of sex trick to him that makes him feel like dumping the other chick. She’s not going to do a sex trick that makes him feel like dumping you. The more the merrier. Why not have two chicks? \o/

      As far as being drunk, I think people do what they want to do and say what they want to say when they’re drunk -> so if he’s saying he loves you or whateverwhatever while he’s drunk, he may very well mean it, AND he may very well be saying the same thing to the other chick when he’s drunk with her.

      This isn’t something he’s doing to you. You’re doing this to yourself. You’re stuck in reality and trying to make it back outside into a fantasy. If he was with the other gal for 4 years before he started dating you, that means she’s had to accept who knows how many “side chicks” in their relationship before you even existed.

      She got used to it, if she stuck around for another 5 years. She isn’t going anywhere. Your decision is whether you want to live inside the reality that you and this other chick are sharing the same dude.

      Good Luck!

  109. Hi, i have a question. I met this guy online and we were hang out 2 times in a row. He seemed really interested in me. He txt me every single day. And, a month later, when my school ended, he asked me to go with him when he travel for work( he’s busy and workaholic) and i did agree to go with him. On the first day, we sleep together but he really respected me, we do nothing. Even the 2 days later, we almost had sex but nuthin really happen because… U kno… His… Doesn’t work and he said he dun kno why with me he feel so nervous (btw he really nice to me, and i can feel it). After that, when we comeback, i asked him if i am not attractive? He said i’m really pretty and sweet. However, since then, our relationship getting worse. He didn’t come visit me. Holiday he go with his family to LA. Or he has time to go hiking with his friend but left me alone( even he told me when and wherever he go). I feel so unhappy. He has no time for me. And i did a stupid thing that i txted him and say: ” i’m tired of this relationship, i wont chase u anymore, i stop and waiting u to come to me. Why u always said that u come to see me and u never did, u have no time for me but tou friends.” And… He didnt reply. Since then, he dun txt me anymore, even my txt he barely answer. Everything changed. Seem like he lose intererest. And i ask the reason, he said he was busy, sorry. He keep giving me an excuse. However, sometime he still flirt with me, idk wat to do now. Should i give up on him. I really do love him, that’s why i curious and get mad when he’s not seeing me. Since the last time i saw him, it’s already 4 months and he didnt ask me out. ( we both busy and i have sat off and he does tooo but aince beginning, he never ask me out on sat, even i told him that i free on sat) i wonder… Does he still like me? He has gf? Or he’s playing with me? Or because he feel embarrassed when we couldn’t have sex( i dun mind tho, really, i just wanna be with him) i love him for no reason, i’m so confused now. I txted him and said like i miss u but he ignored it. Did i do anything wrong?

    1. Hey Cindy. πŸ™‚ Thanks for the comment.

      Whatever the situation actually is, I agree with you that he lost interest in hooking up with you.

      Often, a guy’s behavior towards a gal is strictly based on his physical attraction to her. That’s why the change happens so suddenly. A soon as he isn’t interested in having sex with her, he isn’t interested in anything else about her either.

      I’m sorry you experienced that. If it means anything to you, you might want to contact him to attempt to get some closure in this situation. If he’s a good person, he’ll be honest with you and let you know what changed. If he isn’t a good person, he’ll either ignore your communication or act like a jerk, in which case you shouldn’t feel like being with him anyway. πŸ™‚

  110. Hi Cammack,
    thank you for sharing these great views with us.

    After so many lies and failing I finally gave up about love or living a relationship. And only I’m 25 yo. I truly don’t want never fall in love again.

    Now I pay guys to sleep with me sometimes and that’s it, fast and no feelings. Disposable. Focus on my job.

    What I would like to ask you is if do you believe a guy, maybe with a different personality than you or not, would be with only the woman he loves? Would you? I read in another post you have been dating a girl for more than 10 years even being both compromised sometimes, do you think is there anyone that could change it and you would be just with this new person? These question is valid for any guy who read this.

    Thank again for the web. πŸ™‚

    1. Hey Lisa. πŸ™‚ Thanks for the comment/question.

      I think you’re asking the fundamental question of my dating blog, which is what do you do after you figure out the truth? πŸ˜€

      The idea here isn’t to make women mad or make them feel poorly about themselves, but rather to tell them about a potential reality that they don’t realize they’re currently living.

      If they don’t like what I’m saying, there’s no point in their being upset at ME because I’m not the one doing to them. They’re going to find out down the line whether the guy they thought they were exclusive with had three other chicks who thought THEY were exclusive with him or not. I’m not saying that’s definitely happening to ANYBODY.. However, it’s always a possibility.

      As far as your giving up on “love” or a “relationship”, I would actually say that you’ve given up on the fairytale, movie version of falling in love and being in a relationship. πŸ˜€ It’s nonsense what they portray, and then life imitates art when it should be the other way around.

      Depending on your situation, you’ll find ACTUAL love. You might not recognize it because you’re only perceiving love as movie love. I think you should be vigilant that guys are going to try to keep playing you, but stay open-minded about what you actually ARE being offered by them. It’s tough to explain, but look for differences in demeanor, behavior, & treatment. Also, if a dude doesn’t want to exclusively hook up with you, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, but that’s a different topic. πŸ˜‰

      I do have to say I’m suspicious of the line about your paying guys for sex! πŸ˜€ hahaha

      As far as your question, the answer is *DEFINITELY*. There are definitely guys that are TRYING to be in a monogamous relationship. There are definitely guys that ONLY want one chick and not multiples.

      This is different from the question of whether a gal can corral a guy that currently likes multiples into only being attracted to one chick. The answer in most cases of that is No. She can be attractive enough for him to play it off as long as he can, but unless she’s just plain something different to him, she’s yet another flavor of ice cream.

      It depends on the life he’s trying to live. If his life’s goal is to find one chick, he’s going to try to do that. If his life’s goal is to enjoy his life, he can have zero, one, two, three, or seventeen chicks at the same time, so long as that’s what he currently feels like doing.

      There is no supernatural lightning bolt that makes a guy who’s simultaneously attracted to several chicks drop all of them except one.

      That works in the movies because there’s a script.

      The only way I can see that happening in real life is if all the chicks he’s messing with are inferior to the one chick he dumps them all for. Like he just finds her to be a higher-level human being and the rest become trash to him in comparison.

      Still.. That doesn’t mean that if he ever meets ANOTHER chick he feels that way about, he isn’t going to mess with her too. πŸ™‚ It just means that meeting a better-quality woman can turn a guy off to lesser-quality women for sure.

      As for myself, I’m about enjoying life. I get what I get when I get it. πŸ˜€ I wake up, try to have an excellent, progressive day, then go back to sleep. I don’t really think much more about it than that. πŸ˜€

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