Web: BillCammack.com
Business: Bill C. Quality Control
Facebook: Bill Cammack
Twitter: @BillCammack
eMail: BillCammack
Phone: +1.347.767.5922
Ladies: How To Tell He Has A Girlfriend
If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my blog via RSS feed or by eMail. Thanks for visiting! ~Bill
So I was kicking it with my friend Lux this evening and asked her about a topic that I could write about for the ladies, since DatingGenius has been a little player-heavy as of late, what with the Broderick / Parker shenanigans and all.
Lux Alptraum, Bill Cammack & Molly Crabapple
So Lux comes up with:
“How to figure out if the guy has a girlfriend!”
Now, that’s a great topic. :) I don’t believe I’ve ever considered this before.
The reverse scenario’s very easy. You can figure out if a gal has a boyfriend very easily, because…. she will TELL YOU! :D She might not TELL YOU tell you, but it’s infused in her speech patterns. For instance, when you ask her on Monday what SHE did last weekend, she’ll say “WE went to the beach”. Sometimes, you don’t even have to ask. Chicks’ll just THROW their boyfriend into the conversation! If you ask her what she does for fun, she might say “My boyfriend and I like to read books together“. See that? :) You didn’t ask her JACK about her relationship status, but she found a way to slip it in there anyway, hahaha.
This doesn’t work the same way with guys. If a guy’s kicking it to a chick, he’s trying to have sex with her. Period. He can’t afford to get caught slippin’, talking about “we” or “my girl” or “my kids” or “child support” or “restraining order” or NONE of that! :D So the lady in question is going to have to figure out ways to trick him out of the information he’s trying so hard not to divulge….
If he knows what he’s doing, you’re not going to be able to shake him verbally. The first thing you can try is to GET *HIS* NUMBER. A guy with a girlfriend can’t afford to give you his number. Why not? Because he can’t afford you CALLING HIM when he’s with his girl. :D He also can’t afford you calling HIS PHONE when he’s not around it and she is. He also can’t afford it if his nosey-ass girlfriend tends to check his phone messages. The guy with the girlfriend will want to get YOUR number and NOT give you his. Pull his card by suggesting a trade or having him give you his number so you can call him back from your cell phone.
Granted, the way around this is for him to have more than one phone, but that’s more hassle than most guys are going to go through just to get chicks on the side. He could also give you his work number if he feels that’s a secure line that his girl can’t check, so that’s why it’s good to call through to his cell from yours.
Make plans with him during conspicuous times of the evening. It’s easy for him to play off being an hour late coming home from work, because he was at the happy hour with you. It’s NOT easy for him to leave his house @ 8pm to come see you and then regain entry into his woman’s house. :) If he arrives several times to meet you wearing a basketball or workout outfit, you know he’s telling his woman he’s playing sports. Suggest a late dinner @ Tavern On The Green and see if he still rocks his Jordans and Puma sweats.
Show up to his job and see if the ladies in the place flash you dirty looks like you’re a homewrecker. If you manage to get inside unannounced, look around his office for any pictures laying face down or calendars half-stuffed into desk drawers.
Wear a lot of perfume. Make sure you get it all over him and see if he starts getting nervous. While you’re at it, overdo it on the lipstick, so you can leave a bunch on his shirt collar. If he doesn’t have a girl, who cares? He’ll just throw it on the laundry pile when he gets home, right? :)
Invite him out on special occasions. Thanksgiving… St Patrick’s Day… Christmas Eve… If he’s always got excuses, he’s not *YOUR* boyfriend. You might be giving him some, but you wouldn’t be sitting in the front seat if he gathered all of his women into the same car… Capisce? :D
If you’re feeling aggressive, go for the hickey, preferably on his neck and higher than where an upturned collar could conceal it. The hickey has been the player’s doom since elementary school. Word. :/ To be avoided AT.ALL.COSTS. Punches have been thrown over attempted hickeys, so you might want to just fake it. As soon as he feels too much pressure, he should FLIP OUT like Tom Cruise and completely lose his composure. By the time you’re dating him as a grown man, he’s been living in fear of the hickey for at least ten years.
NOT ONLY do hickeys get you in trouble with your current girl… When NEW CHICKS see them, they know dude’s been messing with some chick within the last couple of days and are likely to back off just when he was about to tap that. No good. :( Like I said… Only go for this if you’re feeling aggressive and you REALLY want to know what time it is. As a matter of fact, you should be able to TELL HIM you’re gonna put a hickey on his neck and see “the fear of God” well up in his eyes! HAHAHAHA :D
Sometimes, you can tell he has a girl if he’s, um… well… if he’s a Two Minute Brotha. If he’s in and out faster than ordering a burger from Jack in the Box, he’s PROBABLY not very concerned with your sexual satisfaction and saving his energy for when it counts. (Read: With His Girlfriend)
OTOH, if he’s layin’ up in the cut like as if it’s the last scene of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, you might be his best girlfriend after all! :D
Good Luck Out There! :D
DatingGenius
Related Posts
136 Responses to “Ladies: How To Tell He Has A Girlfriend”
Leave a Reply
Podcast Feeds
great post! i’ll be on the look out. :)
hahaha Thanks, Asabi. :)
Cheers! :D
I love your writing,
Ok here is my situation,,,,,English its not my first language so,,,,sorry for some misspell words,,,,,
I met this guy at a art exibition, very arogant but cute,,,,I ignored him the whole night,,,, and then I got a call from him the next day inviting me out,,,,, I am a single mom,,,,,,I told him about it thinking since he is a player this may scare him away,,,,,, he insisted, I said no because I was busy,,,,, he insisted,,,,So I decided to go out with him,,,,,,, our first date he told me his friends had come down to visit from his home town and that if it was ok if we went out together,,,,,,So we did and he introduced me to his friends and we all end up having a great time,,,,,,, we went out in another date,,,,,,and then his brother came down from his home town and he ask me to go out and wanted me to meet his brother,,,,, I ended out taking his brother out with my brother horse back riding and zip lining had a blast,,,,,,he met my brother and he kept calling him brother in law but I am not even his girlfriend,,,, so then he ask to meet my son and we just went out this past week,,,,, he was so nice to my son very patient and friendly and loving,,,,,,, I am so confuse though,,,,,,,, Background in this guy: he is 35, successful and everywhere he goes people treat him with reverence he is a very well known person in the area,,,, for business and for how he always carry beautiful woman with him,,,,, he told me from the beginning no attachments no expectations,,,,,, of all our dates we had only had sex once,,,,,and been out in 5 dates,,,,, he doesn’t call much only texts,,,,,, we usually go out in the beginning of week not on weekends,,,,,, and all of this brother and baby and meeting stuff has happened in only 5 dates,,,,,, he knows that family its very important to me and when we are together he makes comments on how he wants a big family and how he sees this qualities on me,,,,,, I don’t know if he says all this things why doesn’t he show more interest on daily basis,,,,,,,,
Thanks for the compliment, Jan :) And thanks for the comment… I’m sure I can READ LESS in your language than you can type in MINE! :D
WOW! You have an extremely complex situation here. You are lucky because you have so much information about him in so little time. Most women have ZERO information about the guys they’re dating and then act surprised when they find stuff out. You have a head start in this situation…
The number of dates isn’t as important as the amount of time spanned by those dates. Here in NYC, I could take a chick out on 5 dates in one week. I’ll assume that you’re saying you’ve dated him once a week, so that you’ve had sex with this guy one time in about a month’s time.
In the context of this particular post, I would say he has at least one “girlfriend”, or rather at least one other chick to have sex with, since it doesn’t seem like he’s trying to have sex with you. He obviously has access to women, so there’s no reason for him to “go without”.
As far as your being a single mom, there’s nothing scary about that except for the amount of time that you spend with your son. Women having kids, jobs, etc is only a set of obstacles which lessen your access to her. Also, unless a guy is planning to marry a gal and pick her and her son up as his financial responsibility, it’s a complete non-issue. It’s like ordering a car with power windows or the kind you have to roll down with your hand. It’s still a car.
Having said that.. It’s good that he’s friendly towards your son and your brother. I find the “in-law” statements odd since he’s apparently only been dating you for two months and has only physically been in your presence six times in eight weeks. That may indicate that he sees something special in you that he doesn’t see in other women??? or it might be his regular style of endearing himself to gals he’s courting.
Texting instead of calling is no big deal. I don’t call people, like EVER! :) I have a particular message, I send it and I forget about it. No time wasted finding numbers and dialing and waiting for the rings and then hearing the answering machine then leaving a message… Nope!.. Also, if he’s in meetings a lot, you can’t use your phone anyway, but you CAN text.
The weekend thing is a definite red flag if that’s his idea and not yours to not go out on the weekends. This is assuming he works on weekdays and doesn’t work on weekends. Guys normally want to spend their “time off” with their best girlfriends. If he’s inviting you out on weekends and you’re declining, that’s one thing. If he’s mysteriously “not available” to you during days when he appears to have nothing to do, that’s most likely the time he’s spending with other women, IF he’s seeing other women.
Overall, this sounds like a good and fun situation. The only thing I would suggest is that you ask him one time when you’re face to face with him why he’s interested in YOU as a person. It’s already been established that he can “get girls”, so it’ll be important for you to understand why he’s courting you and whether what he says he wants is in your best interest.
The only red flag I see here FOR YOU is his “big family” statement! hahaha Good Luck with THAT! :D hehe The next five or six years might be veeeery looooong for you… Nine months at a time! :D
Thank you for your reply,
Talking about hickeys, I made one on him the other day and he didn´t say anything…. By the way I am curious to see what frank has to say on my post…..
I guess to find out what its going on its to just ask him,,,,but see then we fall in the category of defining what are we. wouldn´t it be too soon. I mean why introduce me to his friends, brother and meeting my son, this things are not necessary if you don´t care for that person. what do you think. Sometimes I get this feeling where he feels lonely and he wants something else, but he´s also afraid to let go of his great life style….. woman, power, money and been kissed on the ass everywhere he goes. I mean he is in a position many man would like to be…… He says that he is attracted to me because he finds me very intelligent, I also don´t call him at all and try not to text him either too much, I don´t want to be clingy. But bottom line I don´t want to be manipulated please help me.
hmmmm… I will admit to having had to re-read your post a second time and quite honestly I would have to agree with Mr. Cammack… Yours is probably not the only cushion his pin is being jabbed into. As for the hickey thing, my only question regarding that is where and how bruised? I had a young lady attempt to do that to me when i was younger and it was quite easy to hide because her attempt to mark the territory landed below the collar line of any shirt i owned. I was able to convince the next chick that she was responsible since she did not see it on me beforhand.
If his friends and family think he is single but dating, introducing you to them is not that big a deal. I was a single dater for many years and my friends and nephew would be friendly to whoever i had with me me but they neither invested too much emotional time with her AND did not ever mention that Lucy was tuesday, Mary was thursday and the new one was just the friday/saturday piece. And meeting kids… I have casually dated many women with kids and I met many of them. Being nice to them was second nature only because i knew that in order to get sum that night i couldn’t have mommy worried that the vibe between me and the kids was less than stellar.
And another perosnal aside… I am positive that I was so in love with my lifestyle that 1)a girl or two wound up feeling used because i didnt retrurn the emotinal investment that they put in and 2) i probably maybe walked away from the woman i should already be divorced from.
As for asking only leads to defining… Maybe you need to define! I would think it would be easier to know up front that Im very attracted to you but dont see myself settling down than to have ou thinking you arethe one who can change me.
BTW: by not calling him and relying on text as a form of communication, you are allowing the game to get away from you. If you want to pin him down with out asking…PICK UP THE PHONE AND CALL. he either has the time to give you or he is busy enough that he cant enetertain you at the moment. At some point one of the 2 of you will have sum questions or explanations to give.
But yeah, i think u are one of at least 2. Sex is sex and if im not getting from you… Im getting some where!
FY: english is my first language, spelling isnt! :)
Thank you guys,,,,,,You are the best at this stuff,,,,Tell it how it is,,,,,
Maybe I should just move on,,,,, I don’t even know where we stand,,,,, and how do I handle it,,,,, how do I tell him that I am cutting my losses,,,,,,
Take care guys
Jan,
Frank laid it down… AS USUAL, hahaha… with the candor that most people don’t want to think about or even believe exists.
The bottom line is “game is game”, and there are so many variations that it’s almost impossible to predict when someone’s gaming someone else unless you’re actually THERE when the game’s going down and your own sensors are going off saying “This person right here is full of it!”.
So, I honestly don’t have an opinion on whether he’s gaming you or not, but I guarantee you that guys with access to women enjoy the human touch. If he’s not getting it from you, he’s getting it from someone else. Case Closed.
Having said that.. From what you’ve written, you seem to be in an unique
positionsituation. He may very well be telling you the truth that he finds you extraordinarily intelligent amongst the women he dates. He may be telling the truth that you’re more of the “make a family with her” type, and they’re more arm-candy, show-off-around-town, hit-it-N-quit-it types.If this is the case, that he does find you special, that doesn’t mean he’s going to be monogamous with you at this point in y’all’s relationship. As a matter of fact, he might find your degree of intelligence and civilization somewhat, er… let’s say that the fact that he considers you a more quality woman may be defeating his arousal. :D
I guess my point is that you shouldn’t take his apparent lack of consistent physical interest in you to mean that he doesn’t see you as the cream of the crop. He very well might. On top of that, he might see you as “Not that type of girl”, and he’d rather take his relationship with you slowly instead of blow it by coming on to you for sex he can easily get from other women.
I agree with Frank that your best move is to have “the talk” and rely on your own ability to judge someone’s character when they’re face to face with you as far as what his intentions are towards you, short-term or long-term.
I think you’ll feel better about doing that than speculating on your own as far as what he’s doing and deciding to “cut your losses” without hearing what he has to say and letting him know what YOU think and want as well.
Good Luck! :D
UHM, no hickeys! Single or not Im too old and too dependent on my check to look silly and have my staff view me as silly. and also, YOU CALLED ME BENEDICT ARNOLD after my comments in “how to tell if he is cheating”…
Dude, you just gave the girls a way to hang all men who are apt to stray. Not that this will affect me!! :) lol
@Frank: hahah Yeah, Yeah… I know! I know! hahaha :D
“It ain’t my fault! (did I do that?)”
I’ve been on a roll for the fellaz recently, so when I asked the ladies for topics, unfortunately, this was the first good thing I got. I was already thinking about that and was hoping to get over, but “you got it” on this one! hahaha :D
Booooooooooo,booooooooo (duck the flying lettuce) booooooo (there comes the tomatoe), boooooooooo, booooooooooooooo (oh and the empty Modelo especial beer bottle), boooooooo…
Sorry, had to speak up for the silent majority.
again, not that this would affect me. I learned years ago, to keep everyone in the circle smelling similar. LOL
lolol.. boos Duly Noted and Well Deserved, hahaha! :D
Hey man. Every so often, a brotha needs to sell out and take one for the team (MY team, that is! hahaha)
…
“Where does Homey sign?” :D
while i full-heartedly agree with what you are saying, you are basically advocating girls to be…how to say it nicely…psycho…with a new guy who very well may be busy/workaholic/enjoys the gym a lot. honestly, as a guy if you just started dating a girl who was wearing a ridiculous amount of perfume, intentionally got lipstick on your really expensive shirt you wore especially to take ger to tavern on the green, or she left a hickey (sorry, trashy) the guy is probably gonna dump her, right? so, i think you would have to use these tactics at your own risk.
@Ces: Excellent point. :)
Not only should these tactics be used at her own risk, but as a last-ditch effort.
This is really geared towards females whose “women’s intuition” has just completely and utterly FAILED THEM, and they find themselves getting played out by guys left and right. :)
In the best-case scenario, she trusts him and he trusts her and live is lovely. A lot of my DatingGenius material is specifically designed to help people think outside of the box when it comes to their relationships.
Most of the time, a woman’s her own worst enemy, because she gives her man too much credit when he gives her a title, like “girlfriend”. When she accepts this title from him, she starts wishing, hoping and praying that everything’s gonna be cool with him, so she starts blinding herself to potential realities.
It’s not so much that the guy is lying to her as she doesn’t *REALLY* want to SEE what’s going on. OF COURSE he’s tapping her sister while she’s working the late shift… but if she faces up to that, she has to deconstruct her own relationship and realize that her man isn’t who she made him out to be.
So, I agree with you that in this instance, I’m suggesting that chicks become proactively “psycho”. :) Unfortunately, in a lot of cases, they go psycho ANYWAY, because they can’t figure out how time after time, they get cheated on and in the BEST case dumped, and in the WORST case, catch some kind of permanent disease.
Ok Ladies, there is a difference to being proactive and just crazy! I agree, once I tell you u are my GF, there is a good chance you will ease up BUT why not be proactive up front! If I call u from work at all times except after 5, well then I might just not be at work. If I always say oh sorry I didn’t hear the phone…but im returning calls as I “walk to the store”…hmmmm….You may actually just be my shawty and NOT my gf.
Psycho only happens when all this was obvious but your platinum laced, diamnond encrusted parts didn’t work.
Fellas, amp up the game stop being cheap. My favorite womans perfumes are Escada Blue, Cool water for her, Cashmere-ALL LIGHT SCENTS. Also, all scents which would blend into my colognes of choice EASILY (Dieasl, Jean Paul, Gucci Blue). So if you are prone to this behavior (and no in mot :) )stop being cheap and start giving gifts that ensure max returns (wht GF/shawty don’t like gifts) with minimal headache.
GF: Sweety whats that I smell on you?
BF: oh, i wore this shirt last week when we went out, haven’t washed it yet. I know but smelling it kept you on my mind all day.
enjoy. :)
Preach!… PREACH!! :D
Good tips. My gift-game isn’t sharp, ya HEARD? :) The Kid likes to give the gift of Oxytocin! :D
I bought my ex these BAD-ASS snakeskin leather pants… DOPE! Yum Yum Yum!!!… Got to enjoy them for ~ 6 months until she put those extra couple of inches on those thighs (the way I like it) and couldn’t fit them anymore, hahaha.
Next time, PERFUME FTW!!! :D
and don’t forget. if you are into a gf AND a shwaty…
(repeat after me)
“I will take two of those perfumes, seperate bags please.”
Can’t be accused of having a gf if YOU smell like the accuser!
lol
wow. you are hardcore Frank.
Asabi: Im only speaking from what I have heard and observed… Please keep in mind that “any of above information does not represent the views or beliefs of any individual associated with this blog, both creator and respondents”…
just saying.
omg! whateverwhatever!…
“… without the express written consent of the New York Yankees, blah blah blah” HAHAHAHAHA :D
loL. I try… :)
meant to put a :) at the end of my disclaimer! not too swift with the typing though…
all in good fun.
Frank or Bill: Do either of you have girlfriends/wives? If so what do they think of your opinions?
@Asabi: lolololol
I’m a renter, not an owner. ;)
Read “Significant” Others.
Im leasing with an option to buy…
BUT seriuosly (and Bill, maybe this could be your next blog) WHY DO WOMEN FIND IT HARD TO HEAR THE TRUTH?
Asabi: I know what I said was descriptive but trust… I know many men who have applied said nonsense to elevate their game to new levels. I know men who have given the SAME gift to several woman (I will confess to having done it when I was younger), what better way to keep track of that convo? Hey, did you like that _____?
The perfume thing? True story! I know a few.
A group of 7, we always had one saying to describe the hunt; In a city full of deal closers, we are the best closers in the game! Some still live by that motto and others (like me) have moved on. BUT keep in mind, should this relationship falter…
Yeah it sounds dirty but take notes. Don’t let it happen to you or your friends and we go out of business.
BTW: If i was to join the team again, or start my own-Mr. Cammack, you could come be a closer with us! :)
oh, to be more to the point: I always joke around with my girl about what i could do or get away with. After all, the lie in the game is the TRUTH…
If i ever say, wow you smell like that chick we had drinks with…
or (and yes I did this one as well waaaay back-90’s)
If i ever say, later honey, Im going to my shawty. Don’t laugh because the truth will probably be…
@Frank: Thanks for the invite, man. :) ‘Matter of fact, I was writing “Pecking Order / Play Your Position” while you were leaving this comment. :)
As far as women not wanting to hear the truth, they DON’T, so hopefully, they’ll come here, read something that they might not like… but that might be *TRUE* in their situation and open their minds to the possibilities of what may have already happened to them or hopefully prevent some wack ish from happening to them because now they can see things more clearly. :)
So, after reading all these comments I felt a slight need to defend women who don’t “find it hard to hear the truth”. Obviously no one meant that ALL women find it hard to hear the truth. My question is, if you as a guy know a girl is not picking up on your clues do you have a moral obligation to be a little more direct with her? And furthermore, if she isn’t picking up on your cues, maybe they aren’t as obvious as they seem in your head. A girl might be trusting that you are really busy, when in fact you just aren’t exclusive with her. What obligation does a guy really have (I guess this goes for girls too) to make sure someone you are seeing understands the circumstances of the ‘relationship’?
@Ces: hehe Frank’s not talking about truth INSIDE relationships. He’s talking about truth ABOUT relationships.
I posted about Truth & Relationships in March => “Truth vs. Relationships”.
What we’re saying is that when guys tell THE TRUTH about what guys do that women don’t have a clue about (like the PERFECT example of buying all your girls the same perfume, so you can’t get busted that way), women (not all, of course) don’t want to believe it and refuse to open their minds to the possibilities that are being explained to them.
For instance, a friend of mine is messing with a musician. She explained his lifestyle to me and I informed her that a) she’s not his main girlfriend and b) he can get more girls on every tour stop his band makes, so he has ZERO INCENTIVE to commit to HER. Her response to that?… “So… How can I GET him to commit to me?” :D
The way she can do it is to be BETTER than every single other girl he has access to. Good luck with THAT! :D
@ces thanks for sticking up for us women that can handle truth. I’m not going to knock anyones hussle and I’m only feigning shock really. I’ve been around enough to have been the gf, and the “jumpoff” if you will and not much about the minds of men surprises me now. It would be nice to think that most of the men who read this will disagree with the whole idea of cheating tricks(no pun intended) but instead I’m sure they are actually taking notes.
For those men I have a note for you. GROW UP !!
@Asabi: Agreed, haha… In a perfect world, everyone would be nice to everyone and have the same beliefs and get along famously.
I’m not suggesting that the concepts in my posts are mainstream or fringe, but merely that they EXIST. As long as ONE PERSON opens their mind to the possibilities and lives a better life because they didn’t fall in some obvious trap, that works for The Kid! :D
Meanwhile, there are chicks (and guys) gettin’ played out the pocket left and right. Cheating, divorce and STD statistics are through the roof. Deception’s part of the game. If you don’t want to hear it from your wife that you had a drink with the fellaz after work, you tell her you were working late. She can’t prove it, she’s happy and you’re happy. Business is Business.
Would she like to believe she’s hearing the truth? Yes. Does it matter? In most cases, no. If she had heard the truth, she would have been mad for a while and then gotten over it. Guys save women that roller coaster ride by keeping information on a N2K basis.
(Need To Know).
Asabi: yes I have a GF and I actually do joke around with her about things. I have actually walked away from convos with her friends by saying ’sweety, you getting played’! If any guys are reading and taking notes about the simple pimp move of buying everyone the same perfume, thats all good because you too just read it. Growing up is what many of us have done which is why we can joke about this stuff at this point in life. Yes, I did the buy 4 girls the same keychain from VS once just for the hell of it, but no, I would not do so now! Having done it or been around people who did/do it still, gives me an insight that I have no problem sharing. Buying two chicks the same perfume – Gangsta! hearing “Uh, no honey I haven’t worn it around you yet, why do you smell like that”? – PRICELESS! :D
I do think woman need to listen to the playas in the crowd and ake notes. How ever disgusted you may be, archive what you just heard, it will probably come in handy for you or a friend later.
I don’t mind giving up some of the basic secrets since im not on the prowl.
[...] been thinking about this for a few reasons. Reader “Frank” made this comment on “Ladies: How To Tell He Has A Girlfriend”: Frank: Asabi: yes I have a GF and I [...]
I think women are much much muchhhh smarter than what you guys really play them out to be. If you’re buying us chanel perfume do you realllllllllly thing we’re gonna complain and come out and say Oh by the way I know you’re cheating on me, or I know you have a wife.
If they’re okay with it we won’t let you know that we know, but the second you slip up in your character, that’ll be the reason we’re gone.
Actually, Katie…
You’re absolutely right. A lot of guys don’t take into account that if they start out one way with a new girlfriend, they have to keep BEING that way or else there’ll be “Consequences & Repercussions”.
Sometimes, it’s not so much that a guy gets caught as much as he becomes tired of playing it off and he just stops pretending.
Either way, it’s not good. :)
Katie-All that is good except for the the mere title of “how to tell he has a girlfriend”. I was going on the presumption that if you are reading this its because u want to know if he does or doesn’t!
as for changing the routine…
absolutely! thats when dudes get got, when they get lazy/complacent/comfortable in their situation. thats why the real players in this game are the same from day one, to day ten, to the first time they got your…, to the last time you bless them. Its them dudes that make reading comments like these FUNDAMENTAL!
If you are not interested or dont care if another woman is involved, then what i wrote comes acroos like childish gibberish that you would file under “i wish he would! wish he would try that shyt with me!”.
But i bet I had more “f*ckin’ shyt, thats what happened to me…” moments than not.
[...] This SEEMS to be the same as #1, but it’s worse. If you’re one of several chicks that he’s “seeing” , you still have a percentage chance of being the cream that rises to the top. If he already has a woman in the top slot that he never told you about, you can forget about picket fences and two-car garages. If you think this might describe YOUR relationship, go read “Ladies: How To Tell He Has A Girlfriend”. [...]
“layin’ up in the cut” – LOL WHERE do you get this stuff from!?!?!?! LOL
@Steve: hahaha I’m just SAYIN… If a brotha goes to the trouble to take care of a chick, PROPPAH, she just MIGHT be a special woman to him haha.
And.. odds are… if HE’S not… SHE’S not! :D
well this is NOT always the case, I found out the guy I’m seing has a girlfriend, even though he gave me his number, sends me texts (I do too), calls me at random times has gone out with me in almost all his days off, has gotten home super late from being out with me and hasn’t even tried to have sex yet (we’ve kissed)… so can you ever really tell?
uhm mari…
have you been to his place??? (not his manz place, his brothers/sisters/moms place! HIS PLACE?)
random calls just mean he either in another room or she not home!
He goes our with you all the time? he either in a relationship thats about to go bust OR he just mad disrespectful-IN WHICH CASE RUN AND DONT TURN AROUND!
Theres always a way to tell, maybe not immediately but eventually!
@Mari: Thanks for the comment. :)
Your problem is that you’ve fallen for the proverbial “okey-doke”.
He gave you his number? To what? To a Cell Phone? A phone he carries around on his person? Or do you mean he gave you the number to a physical land-line that stays in a house somewhere? If it’s a cell, you can’t tell JACK because he can keep it with him, hide it, lock it or password protect it. If it’s a land-line, he can’t receive text messages on it, so it’s probably a cell.
Calling you at random times can be done from when his girl’s in the shower right after he tapped that. When she’s asleep. When she’s at the store. When she’s working… Get it? It’s all in the game.
How do you know when his days off are? :) Do you work with him? Do you know his supervisor? He’s gone out with you on the days that he TOLD YOU he had off. Does that make sense?
“Hasn’t even tried to have sex with you” means he’s fucking someone else. That’s a FUNDAMENTAL error that women make. Since y’all think you’re the only ones, you think that if YOU’RE not having sex with him, then the next woman isn’t either. Trust me. It’s a lot WORSE for a chick if “her man” isn’t trying to have sex with her than if he IS.
So anyway, I hope your situation works out for the best, but nothing you said in your comment has anything to do with my post. The SLICKER person in the relationship will always have the upper hand. They can do what they want, while keeping the other person blind to reality.
The only way around this is to go out with people that are actually INTERESTED in having only one girlfriend. After that, you have to make sure that YOU’RE the one he wants to be with. Unfortunately, this is 2008, not 1958… Coming home super late and not giving him some isn’t gonna put you ANYWHERE NEAR #1 status.
Good Luck! :D
Why even have a gf/wife and just tell girls up front your a playa?!?! Most girls don’t mind playing evens?!? We just don’t wanna be sloppy seconds! I get that most people cheat! Men and women alike but we need to realize people do get hurt emotionally when people play games with others hearts! I’m starting to realize men only get worse as I’ve gotten older! So I’m telling all my girls out there we gotta get in on the game and play the fellas;) remember any dumb guy can be replaced! They want what we got;)
@Crystal: You’re absolutely right. “Any dumb guy can be replaced”. Any guy, PERIOD, can be replaced. :) Women have to know what “the game” IS before they have a chance of being good at it or effective in their relationship-based decision-making.
As far as why guys have a main girlfriend and then other women… It’s just not easy for the average Joe to get a woman to do what he wants her to do without promising her something. The easiest way to do that is to fake being in a relationship with her while he actually remains “single” and free to hook up with any other chicks he meets on the fly.
It’s not fair, and I’m actually going to make a new post about this topic so I can discuss it at length, but that’s the basic deal. The only way to unlock a female’s full potential is telling her you’re in a relationship with her. There are rare situations where women WILL be 110% down for you without you having to bribe/trick them, but that depends on the gal having a specific mentality and world-view and the guy being some kind of extraordinary person who can make it worth her while to spend time with him without any form of committment.
Thanks for the comment, Crystal! :D
the guy had a girlfriend already didnt know. they had been dating 2.5 years but the last 8 months he was living with me and telling her he was taking care of his Mom as to the reason he couldnt be with her alot. He was telling me we were going to get married.
I bust him with email to her on thanksgiving. He leaves no argument no nothing just told me that he was going over my moms) then moves all his stuff out the next day. find out later he took old gf on two day vacation not more than 24 hrs after moving out from me.
Dam do I have stupid written on my forehead. The guy was good. He was calling her from the bathroom when he was getting ready for bed. I spoke with her by email and then gave her my phone number. She says she has known and dated him 3 years and the last year he just stopped coming around ut didnt want to stop talking to her when she asked him why he said he just couldnt let her go. ok so HE is not my boyfriend. and no I didnt see the signs but I did notice the sex changed it got less and I asked why what the hell was going on and he had no answer. so that was a sign
@Honey: Thanks for the comment. Sorry I got to it so late. :)
The fact that you got tricked doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re stupid. In fact, that’s the whole reason I write DatingGenius the way I do. It’s VERY EASY to trick women to begin with, AND THEN y’all make it easier by giving guys “a pass” when you believe he’s “The One”.
The fact that y’all build your lives around a guy makes it easier for him to two-time you, because you DON’T WANT TO SEE what he’s doing. First of all, like you said, “having less sex” is a definite red flag. Sometimes it means he’s just not into how you look right now, your hair, your body whatever. Sometimes, it’s that he’s already getting his “on the side”, and he just doesn’t NEED to hit it when he comes to spend time with you.
But yeah, that’s one of the points of DatingGenius. If women could OPEN THEIR EYES to how easily they’re tricked, they could start finding some real solutions to their dating and relationship issues. As it stands, most of the advice for women is effective at making y’all FEEL better about yourselves, your looks or your situations, but it doesn’t give you any tools at all that are actually going to be of use against a guy that knows how to manipulate you.
The best deal is to learn from your experiences, as you clearly have shown that you have with your reply, and take that knowledge into the next relationship and use it as criteria to weed out men, hoping for a better selection next time.
Good Luck! :D
wined dined and fu@@ed literally. Yes I have learned and thanks for this webpage. I cant believe anything men say. Do you know the ration is 10 women to 1 man? Men can have their pick and do. Well back to the drawing board. Question though: I already have a guy I met at a gem show (vendor) he wants to talk on the phone for hours in the morning and at night. What the hell does he want? After this latest fiasco I am not in the mood for bs. Know him for two weeks and have not asked me out, is he using my voice to sexually satisfy himself? I was told not to have long conversations on the phone with me, to be the first to hang up
(as it stands, most of the advice for women is effective at making y’all FEEL better about yourselves, your looks or your situations, but it doesn’t give you any tools at all that are actually going to be of use against a guy that knows how to manipulate you.)
Honey, you could ask him what he wants. I mean, the guys on your valuable time. Better than guessing, right?
@Honey: You’re Welcome. :)
Congrats on recognizing that you can’t trust ANYTHING guys have to say to you. That’s only the first step, though. After that, you have to teach yourself how to detect trustworthy men.
Part of the problem with “advice columns” is that the people who write them are as clueless about the next steps as the people who are reading them. After you destroy one mindset, you rebuild another one that works better for that individual’s lifestyle. Most columnists advocate DESTROY only, such as “If your man’s two-timing you, LEAVE HIM! You don’t have to take that! :( “… Then, when the woman takes the advice and leaves her man, now, she’s broke, cold, hungry, undersexed, lonely and confused…. but hey… SHE SHOWED *HIM*!!!, right? :/
It’s possible that he’s “using your voice” for sexual gratification, but guys do that all the time, haha don’t worry about that. If you think that’s what’s up, stop talking to him on the phone and use some kind of internet text chat program. If he complains, tell him you don’t like the phone, you like talking in person. Let’s see if he starts “taking you out”, all of a sudden….. Even if it’s only to “use your voice” for sexual gratification, haha. Hey! You got to see a movie for free and eat at a fast food restaurant, right? :D
Honey: “…after the last fiasco Im in no mood for bs…”!
Could it be he already read your body language and is hoping to break you down slowly by giving you all his time on the phone so you know he must be alone??
Nothing peronal but guys (the meek and the Apha) have issues with paying for the next mans sins. Is he reading you? Did u tell him?
More importantly have you figured him out? If that were me and I have knowledge of you recent past (either through convos with you or reading your responses/actions) there would be only TWO ways this would end for you. 1)If i was really feeling you but I knew you couldn’t get past the last moron in your life, I’d make it easy to get past this one. I’d try a little but eventually call it a day. or 2)If yo’ shyt was hot and tight like that, I’d be spending all my time trying to break you down. When my manz and em’ ask if thats me my answer would be “naw, she got too many problems but I done blazed it already!”
The past is the past. Its somethig you learn from but move on. The mistake many/most/damn it all woman make is that they have their life experience happening to them as we speak but instead of moving forward they sit still and expect ME/NEXT MAN to help move you along. Sweety, you got burned not me and Im too busy learning from my mistakes to walk you through yours.
Well we all have baggage whether we want to admit it or not. I have my fair share and I am sure others do also. We drag this baggage into all relationships that we make casual or romantic. These comments are a great look at how very diverse peoples’ thoughts are.
p.s.
No he does not know what is going on with me…however I believe he is on the rebound from a failed marriage as he told me last night that this will be the first time he has filed separately in eight years. After being married and then dumped I find that guys try to hook up as soon as possible after the divorce. I think its akin to separation anxiety/or trying to get past the rejection. As of last night, I am being asked to share a main lobster dinner that he will prepare. Should I have him prepare it at my home or his? ok what do you think?
p.s. the perfume thing holy shit that was an eyeopener for me. Now I am thinking that concept would be great when I fully get back up in the saddle again…yep four key chains from Germany…oh dear I was thinking of you….lol
Mister Bill,
I do not do fast food. Garbage in garbage out….
honey, baggage is just a life that’s been lived. If you’re over 25, ya got some. Period. The best quote I ever heard about baggage (I wish I could remember where I heard it) is, “It’s not about whether you have any, it’s how well you carry it.” WORD ;-)
I don’t get why this guys not asking you out to a public place unless it’s something you discussed and agreed to but I’m glad you moved to a “date”. Personally, I can’t imagine a circumstance where I’d invite a stranger to my home on the first date. What if he/she is a PSYCHO! lol
If you like the attention, go out, his place is a distant second until you know where his head is, meaning you’re sure he’s not all-purpose nuts or gonna spend hours on end crying on your shoulder etc. about his recent problems. Unless that’s what you like.
I don’t get why he’s hinting at you that he still is or used to be married but I don’t know the context. That’s his own personal biz and has absolutely nothing to do with you, at the moment. Like your stuff is your biz unless you start punishing him for someone else’s faults. It would’ve been cooler if he disclosed his marital ish to you some time down the road when everything was all lovey-dovey between you and you had actually moved to a relationship. At that point you would already know he was handling his baggage because he hadn’t been bringing it up.
I usually put a lot more smileys in my comments but this one was a little close to home. If I were you I’d be concerned he doesn’t have a handle on his shit. Or enough of a handle on it for your comfort.
All that being said, go out and have some fun! You deserve it. It may work out, it may not, you may make a friend for life, you may find out his best friend is your soul mate or something. :-D
@Honey: Yep. Listen to Frank. He has allllll the playboi tips! :D Keychains all around!!! :D
It’s a little simpler, why guys hook up quick after a divorce. Guys like sex. Period. If one chick isn’t going to give it up, she immediately goes on the back-burner, and another chick steps in from the batting deck.
Another thing is, I could imagine that guys that mess with the same chick over and over and then finally get out of that situation are pretty anxious to try something new.
It also depends on whether the guy and gal were having sex during the separation, leading up to the divorce. If not, then the reason the guy “suddenly” hooks up with a chick is because he’s been bangin’ her the whole time since you first refused to give it up. He just needed to keep it on the QT until the papers were signed.
oh… and Play On, Playah about avoiding that Fast Food and stayin’ IN SHAPE!!! ;)
Bill,
Aye Carumba!
It could be as simple as the guy is used to having someone around all the time (I think it’s called “companionship”) and is just looking for someone else to slot into the familiar role. PERIOD.
“Another thing is, I could imagine that guys that mess with the same chick over and over and then finally get out of that situation are pretty anxious to try something new.” – how about – The guy could be *anxious* ABOUT trying something new. What if he was having great sex and it was the rest of his needs that weren’t being met? Now he’s gotta pray that he finds someone else with skillz! lol
I know I just highjacked but I just want to add some dimension here. :-D
Steve are you and Bill playing good cop bad cop? lol
Thank you guys for all the different views many heads are better than one (head). Although I know some guys do not get that concept….ha
@Honey: haha Nah, he’s ACTUALLY a Goodie-Two-Shoes, and I’m ACTUALLY a BadBoy, hahaha… Nobody’s *playing* anything! ;)
@Steve: I think you hit the nail on the head! You’re EXACTLY RIGHT!!! :D … HE *IS* “looking for someone else to slot into”! :D That’s a great new term! Thanks! :D
Mister Bill Mister Bill,
I do not believe anything you say. You have taught me well.
Absolutely. Credibility is paramount.
Fortunately for me, I’m not invested *AT*. *ALL*. in whether someone trusts ME or not. I want people to trust the facts. I want people to trust what happens to them…. Actually… I want people to SEE what happened to them, FACTUALLY. Lots of people see what happened, but don’t get it. They don’t know the range of possibilities well enough to be able to select the most probable cause.
So I’m not here to tell you “the truth” about YOUR relationship. I’m here to make you aware of POSSIBILITIES that you either weren’t previously aware of OR actively repressed, because you didn’t want to BELIEVE that that’s what happened to you.
That role! THAT ROLE! THAT ROLE!
lol
Nah, I’m just cursed with an Ego which means I’m living in denial about what my true motivations may be. Ha!
GoodyTwoShoes – hyphens are for chumps. ;-)
where to have the lobster dinner??? hmmmmmmmmmmm…
where do u feel the most comfortable waking up?? lol
and the whole “..first time in 8yrs…” his way of saying “im single, now come ova, i have this meal i want to feed you”!! :)
as for those perfumes/key chains, i will confess to…
Nuttin’! even strapped to a lie detector, i can calmy say say I only gave out ONE GIFT that year!! lol
Ask a guy’s female friends if he has a girlfriend. They will tell you. If he doesn’t, but he thinks it’s weird, send him a link to this article.
Don’t sleep with him until you’re certain he’s not cheating on someone.
Date guys who are honest and faithful. Break up with ones who aren’t, and tell mutual friends why you broke up, to hasten the whole realizing-he’s-a-liar process. Ultimately, people who put their immediate pleasure before their own integrity are self-sabotaging. You’re just assisting him in this endeavor
Interesting points, Lisa.
First of all, whether a guy’s female friends will dime him out (drop a dime, rat him out, blow up his spot, cockblock him) or not as far as whether he’s messing with other girls is a function of who he is to them and who YOU are to them.
If they’re tight with HIM, and you’re just the next chick passing through, you will receive ZERO information, because his girls know that he’s just “doing what he does”. Also, if they’re involved in a circle of TRUST with each other, in most cases, it will be more important for them to maintain that with him than get ejected for “putting his business in the streets”.
However, most guys aren’t actually TIGHT with the chicks they know, so, for the most part, your advice to ask girls that know him is perfectly valid. :)
That’s a valiant concept, not hooking up with someone until you *know* they’re not cheating on someone, except that assumes two things:
a) That the girl(s) he’s in a relationship with are known to the public, and
b) You’re able to find out information about him via mutual friends or Social Media
If you read my “Guide To Dating The “Internet Famousâ€, you’ll realize that in this day and age, the DEEPEST relationships exist OFF THE GRID, ENTIRELY. There’s no video, there are no pictures, no tags, no text blogs, nothing.
This takes you back to the original problem with finding out a guy’s business. His inner circle MIGHT *POSSIBLY* know who he’s messing with, but that’s only because they’ve seen it with their own eyes or he trusts them with that information. The reason he would TRUST THEM with that information is that he knows they’re not going to tell *YOU*.
Your sharing-of-information concept is a very good one. I’ve seen that happen in groups I’ve been involved in. People develop “a reputation” which precedes them. That, coupled with the lack of tighness with homegirls leads to not only “having his business in the streets”, but in the extreme cases, his actual NAME becomes synonymous with “dog-like” or promiscuous behavior, hahahaha :D
wht if all a sudden guy like u for two years….and within space 5 days didnt answer calllssss does he think ima waste and hell neva go out with me….and is trying to gt over me or is hooked on somone???his liked me for 2 years asked me out a rejected him i dona why though …..i think he eventualy knew i liked him coz i rang him up often bt thought i was neva gona go out with him……………is he trying to gt over me by not piking up calls and tking to his freind thts my freind for like 3mouths now or got a gf? he piked up onece by mistake but ownly spoke 5 mins then said im going fr jog ring bk 30mins he does go for jog everydy though….but i rang bk he didnt pik up i dont know???i open the door he urns away i dont think his playing hard to get … his disapeared many times…and comes back but not this time he dont even call his freind thts close to him coz she knws me wht is this????? his ignoring me for nothing and wont even want to talk to me dont pik up his calls?
Hey Mai. Thanks for the comment.
Basically, from what you just wrote, it seems to me that you’re lucky that he tried to get on for two years if you kept rejecting him. There must have been something special that he saw in you, because it doesn’t take a guy two years to get a new girl if the one he’s working on isn’t producing.
You may be right. He may have gotten to the point where he figured you’d never come around and he found someone else to spend his time with who was reciprocating his affections towards her.
Being that he’s not taking your calls, your best bet is to leave him a voicemail and tell him how you feel and what you want. He’ll respond to that or he won’t.
Good Luck! :)
reply to why he wont pick up….he isnt into you. If he was into you he would be calling you day and night. If a guy is not calling you on a frequent basis he is not thinking of you.
and i dont mean calling you for bootie calls you know when a bootie call is right? Last minute calls, spur of the moment out of the blue calls, usually late at night when he hasnt anything else to do.
Good point, Tina. It seems like she stalled him so long that he gave up on the idea that she was playing hard to get and just decided she wasn’t worth the time and effort he was putting into her.
OTOH, It could very well be that he met a girl that all of a sudden gave him everything he wanted from women, and he suddenly found no desire to talk to her anymore. Sometimes, it takes a woman who’s really ABOUT something to open a guy’s eyes that he was chasing a chick that was fighting him rather than getting with the program.
Hey Bro,
This is a pretty good blog…
I really like what you have to say…hahahahhah
I have flirtation going on with this guy and we have been talking every night for 3 hours or more for over two weeks..(skype)
Is it safe for me to assume…he doesn’t have a girlfriend???
Thanks for the comments, Anita. :)
If you’re kickin’ it with a guy for three hours a night, it’s definitely safe to assume…
that his girl works the night shift.
HAHAHA but seriously folks, :) It’s more important that he’s talking to you for that amount of time AT. ALL. Personally, I have a saturation limit where I just don’t want to hear any more chick-stuff. The point being that if he’s kickin’ it with you that long… EVERY day, he’s probably not spending that same amount of time with other chicks, so there’s something about your company that he really enjoys. You may possibly be the closest thing he has to a girlfriend right now.
But anyway, I’ve seen situations in television shows like Dateline or something where dudes maintained simultaneous families by telling one chick he had a night job and telling the other chick he had a day job. Leave one family in the morning to spend the day with the other family. Leave that family in the evening to go back to the first family. Neither chick was hip.
So if dudes are pulling off shenanigans like that, 3 hours of conversation a day definitely puts you in the running as ONE of his women, but doesn’t rule any others out.
or, he has a girl that knows he is home and therefore he needs to be near that damn phone when she/if calls. Just assuming of course since many are now going to the cell as their only means of communication. I myself do not have a home landline, soooooooooooo if i was inclined (which im not) to be anywhere but home, i can always run into a bathroom and run the water.
Yeah, that’s what I’m saying. It’s easy enough to kick it with multiple chicks, so long as the total amount of time you spend talking to all of them doesn’t exceed the amount of socialization time you have in one day. :D
IMHO,
No it doesn’t mean you can rule out he doesn’t have someone.
I wont skype with a guy I have just met. If you want to see me make a trip and spend some gas money.
My time is valuable, I do not want to sit in front of a computer/on the phone getting to know someone. I want to do that in person.
There are exceptions though, maybe long distance relationship…maybe. thats iffy also.
Now I ain’t sayin’ she a gold-digga… But she ain’t messin’ with no broke (broke) SHE GIVE ME MOOOO-NEY! :D
hahahaha What’s THAT about? “Spend some gas money?” :) You might need to go back and read “Hard To Get†vs “Expensive To Buyâ€! :D If that’s all it takes to impress Tina, that’s not very selective, haha.
I hear your point though. It does seem to me that if dude can skype three hours a day with her, he could have gone to see her sometime over the last two weeks, assuming it’s not an LDR like you mentioned.
Unless… Like *I* said… He’s gotta be home every morning to take care of wifey when she gets off that night shift! :D
Bill if I didnt know you better I would be miffed…..Oh please give me a break….spend gas money meant to me….”take the time and put yourself out of your normal routine” you know “make an effort” to see me. Sitting and looking at me for free (no effort expended) on skype is like webcamming.
Guys get off on visual (webcam, skype), well come see me in person and get off, so I can get off also…lol
hahaha Yeah, so I was playin’ on the gold-digger tip, but you bring up an interesting point..
It would make sense for a guy to make an effort to physically be in your presence IF he actually intended on messing with you. If not, there’s no reason to waste the time, energy and “gas money” to come see a sistah, Capisce? :D
If he’s gonna get a kiss on the cheek or a hug or some boooo-ISH like that, then he may as well stay home and have his multiple iChat text convos while he’s kickin’ it with you on Skype.
Having said that, if y’all iz gettin’ y’all’s frizeak izon virtually, that’s another situation entirely. In that case, he DEFINITELY needs to step to the left and break you off something properly, hahaha Nah Meen? :D
<>
so why waste her time on Skype if there is no reason to waste the time, energy and “gas money”? Be honest and tell her that she is a good conversationalist but I am going to screw someone else cause you do not interest me in that way or it appears I cannot get into your drawers quick enough.
We don’t have enough information to know what his motivation is for talking to her that long and that often. We don’t know if he’s local or long-distance. We don’t know what they’re talking about to each other, so there’s no reason to believe he’s leading her on.
I step away for half a day and you start channeling me? Wassup with dat?! :-D Get back on the Frank side of the fence!
Anita, I’m with Tina on whether or not he’s got something else going on. You don’t know.
I can’t see being on the phone for hours on end when I could’ve been in front of the person. Unless, you really hit it off in person then one of you had to go on a biz trip. It would help if we knew your proximity to each other. Also I think over 52 hours on the phone in two weeks, let alone two months, wow! ;-)
Yeah.. The odds aren’t good in either direction.
Either he lives near her and refuses to spend physical time with her, opting to spend virtual time with her (not good, if she’s trying to be his girlfriend)…
Or he doesn’t live near her and it’s an LDR, which isn’t good, because guys are going to tap the closest chick possible.
It’s also remotely possible that she’s the smartest chick he knows. If that’s the case, he might be supplementing his interactions with women by talking to her and messing with other chicks that he doesn’t want to hear any dialogue from.
Either way, it’s good for Anita that she’s getting that much light, but it’s essentially meaningless for blocking out other chicks. Assuming 8 hours of sleep, three hours of conversation with her per day leaves another 13 hours a day to kick it with other chicks.
Now I aint saying im a broke n**** but ima “get that azz if i spend cash” n***! Not to be funny but being in front of the person during the flirting stage is only playing with fire. Yes i agree that he should invest sometime (like a neutral Thursday) to be in her presence but the nightly 1/2 hour chat is def essential (anything more than that is useless unless u 15 and pulling an impressive all nighter on the phone). To make time to see this person everyday or every other day, leads to a mix up in signals. He or She wind up thinking its a real relationship with all the perks including sex. Depending on what he thinks about going over 6 times in as many days and getting the sex, you will find urself at some of the other postings on here like “why he wont call you his gf” or “why he dumped you after sex”.
It’s becoming amusing to me how few women realize that the main girlfriend is the one giving up the most sex… or, if not the MOST, the BEST! :D
That’s why you can’t assume anything from a guy talking to a chick three hours a day, when that still leaves him enough time EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. to smack it up, fip it, rub it down… OH NOOOOO! :D
Backstage, Underage, Adolescent… HowYaDoin’? FINNNEEE….
um I do not agree with the statement, “the main girlfriend is the one giving up the most/best sex” the words, “…at the current moment.” should be added to this statement. As we all know the sex changes from bad to good and back to bad or good depending on how long you have been in relationship with someone…..so no I do not go along with that statement. The longer the relationship its never good every single time depending on the trials and tribulations of life.
Some guys have “enough” but still want more somewhere else…”grass always greener…” hence the term “cheater” and cheats emotionally “on computer on skype”. If and I said if Anitas friend is talking to her that many hours AND he does have a girlfriend he is emotionally cheating on his girlfriend. But I am getting off subject….
How to tell if he has a girlfriend? Time will tell you everything you need to know Anita just be patient and wait. He doesnt have to tell you he will show you. …everything done in the dark comes to light eventually OR he is a nice guy who loves your mind, the sound of your voice and wants to talk to you all night and wants to know you for you. (?) Does that sound right?
You said you were flirting so flirt on girl! If you got the time Keep him hot and bothered and wanting to keep calling and/or get there! Don’t they call that d… teaser? or is that setting the hook? oops sorry that’s another subject.
Happy Easter Everyone…I am offline for 10 days. Starting a six hour drive to Durango, Co.
good post.i like a guy who says he has a gal but sometimes the way he talks to me makes me feel that he does not have a girlfriend and sometimes his talks makes me think otherwise.am getting confused.for instance he is a veggie and does not drink..i recently said am turning into a veggie for someone i like he told me the next day that he ate non veg and he had drinks with his friend….he discusses about his girlfriend with me..one more instance is that we both work for same company but for different dept so while coming home ,as we travel together (while going to office and while coming back home) i didnt talk properly as my mood was bad..next day he says my gal has lots of EGO and i have lots of Anger,will we be able to manage..when i said somebody has to compromise he said we both compromise alot.in the beginning dats just a month back he used to tell me to meet him on dinner and used to call me…after few days i said dont you have girlfriend dats surprising and next day he announces to me that the gal to whom he proposed 5yrs back accepted him..Now i dont know what to think and what to believe.
Thanks, Smitha :)
From what you wrote, you’re being recklessly LIED TO! :D I mean, recklessly. Whomever’s doing this doesn’t think you’re smart enough to add 2 plus 2. I think the fact that he thinks you’re an idiot is even WORSE than the fact that he’s lying to you.
Go read “Truth vs. Relationships”. Just because this guy is talking to you doesn’t mean he’s telling you the truth. What you need to do is stop listening to what he says and use your own intuition.
Apparently, he’s said he doesn’t drink and then he said he had drinks. Those two situations are mutually exclusive, so you have to use your own brainpower to decide whether he drinks or he doesn’t. YOU have to decide whether he’s a vegetarian or he isn’t.
What you DON’T have to decide is that he’s going to tell you anything he wants to, because there are no consequences or repercussions for him lying to you.
Women do this all the time, overestimating their relationship to a guy just because he’s trying to get laid. This is a losing battle for me, because women will never get it, apparently. The brainwashing is just TOO GOOD that a guy who’s talking to you wants to be your friend and likes you as a person.
I find it amazing that literally daily, chicks are confused about why guys do what they do. If y’all would learn to read between the lines, or in this case, read between the lies, it would be really obvious.
Maybe if women were to concentrate on potential benefits. What’s a guy’s benefit in saying that he’s a vegetarian? Saying that he’s not? Saying that he doesn’t drink? Saying that he does? Saying he has a girlfriend? Saying that he doesn’t?…
On top of that, even if he’s not lying (which he has to be if he’s making mutually exclusive statements about himself), is this someone you actually WANT to be in a relationship with? Someone who’s liable to say (and therefore, DO) anything at any time and switch philosophies on the drop of a dime? Do you really want to date someone who ALREADY feels free to lie to your face? Do you think this situation is going to get better as time goes on? When? How? Once you’re engaged? Once you’re married? Once you have kids?
My suggestion is to have a sit-down with this guy and request a discussion about his overall philosophies. WHY is he a vegetarian? WHY doesn’t he drink? WHY does he have a girlfriend? After that, use your own intuition to figure out whether he’s telling you the truth or not and whether you want to keep dating a liar or break North with no delay.
Hi Bill,
I guess it is easier to keep in mind why guys do what they do when this whole “wanting to get laid” thing is part of your own agenda.
For example, I like to eat a boiled egg in the morning. And I usually have it with toast and jam. My husband likes it with salt, and sometimes I remember to put the salt on the table, but more often than not I forget it because I don’t need salt on my egg.
Same thing with getting laid. I realise that this is extremely important for guys, but I have no idea why. It is not important to me. I like sex, but sex as merely a physical pleasure has never interested me that much. If it is just that and nothing else, what do you need another person for?
Sex as just a physical pleasure is no more exciting than a good meal.
And eating is something that I can do on my own, if you know what I’m saying…..
So this is the reason that I sometimes forget why guys do what they do. That they pretend and lie and deceive and invent alter egos and what not just to get something that means so little to me. All the energy spent for just that?
Responded to your comments here => http://billcammack.com/2009/04/23/stimulus-response-the-agenda/
hehe Enjoy! :D
[...] post is a response to reader “fishingrod”’s recent comments: fishingrod: Hi [...]
I recently came out of a 6 year marriage & met a guy at a bar in a little island I go to work at. He is a local, my age, divorced(supposedly) & I was out with my friends and him with his. We hit it off & exchanged cell phone numbers by adding ourselves to contacts on each others phone. Everything was great, but it was time to leave when he said”im not gonna call you”. I was surprised and said “well, im not gonna call you either”. Then he said that hed guessed he would have to. Two weeks later he hadnt called & I texted him that I wanted to meet him. We met at the same bar but I pruposedly had my sister meet us later so that we wouldnt sleep together. We decied to meet a few days later and after lots of good wine and conversation, we did sleep together, at my place. This went on for about once a week for 2 months, and he was making plans to go to all this places with me. He seemed to really like me, and me him.Problem, he would nver take me to his house, 2 miles up the street. He would say next time, next time, but next time never happened.Als, hed never spend the night at my house. Hed always leave pretty soon after sex.So about the 5th night, after he left my place, i was pissed and sent him a text saying that i never wanted to see him again. I suspected he had someone else. He never responded. Next day I felt bad, and stupid me called him and told him I regretted it. He said he was shocked. That Id caught him off guard. He said he was never going to callme agin, so if i wanted to see him I’d have to call him. Which I did , about 3 times. He was always distant and cold in sex. The 4th time I called him, he told me he was busy. I never called him again. I know I hurt his pride, and that he probably did have somene else. But did I hurt him emotionaly? Was it too soon to be pissed that he had somene else, or is he playing the ‘im hurt game’?
Hey Penelope. Thanks for the comments. :D
Go see Frank’s Reply for the gritty, honest truth, as usual.
First of all, if you’ve been married for six years, you’re mad rusty, so anyone that’s decent with their game is going to get over on you. Not only have you been out of the game for YEARS, but you didn’t think you were going to have to get back IN the game, so your skillz are ~ zero at this point. No big deal.. Happens to everyone.
“I’m not going to call you” is a retarded thing to say to a chick whose number you just booked. Does that make sense? If he’s not going to call you, why take your number? He should have just given you HIS number and had that be that. As soon as he played you out the pocket like that and you still sweated him, you put yourself on the ho stroll.
Imagine that a guy tries to kick it to a girl and she’s like “I’m not going to have sex with you”, but he still takes her out for steak dinners and to amusement parks and ish. *THAT* guy is a sucker, and she’s going to play him for everything he’s willing to give up AND THEN for everything he’s NOT willing to give up. The female equivalent of that behavior is when a guy basically tells you to your face “You Ain’t Ish”, and you’re like ” Cool… I’ll call you next week! :D “. That means that anything you’re willing to give up, sex, money, turkey reuben sandwiches, whatever, he’s going to take until you stop giving him stuff, and then he’s going to bounce.
The problem is that guys can “see you coming”. We can tell that you’re desperate or disgruntled in your relationship or just jocking us in general, and then we treat you like a fan. Some guys will be chivalrous about this and treat you with respect, being that they appreciate your accolades. Other guys will see you as a MARK and see what they can get out of you.. Money, Apartments, Cars, Fetish-Based Sexual Acrobatics, whatever.
As far as the topic of this post, you can rest assured that he has AT LEAST one other chick, that chick’s giving it up to him on the days that you’re not, and he’s at least dating her, potentially living with her and possibly MARRIED to her.
My suggestion is to meet guys through your good girlfriends so that there are some forms of checks & balances and you have a percentage chance of learning whether you’d like to date this guy or not before you even lay eyes on him.
My other suggestion is to stop meeting guys in bars & clubs, because guys expect HOES to be available in bars & clubs. Not HOES meaning “Women that choose to have sex with guys that they like, based on their own personal decision-making and power”, but HOES meaning chicks that are randomly, easily and cheaply (if not for absolutely FREE) available for sex to just about anyone that offers it to them. I would call that “Community Property” and Frank would call that “The Group Slide”.
Believe Me.. You don’t want to be “that girl” that becomes known as the easy lay, AND whatever you did with that dude, he probably told everybody else he knows already, so don’t think your intimate details haven’t been divulged.
So.. Stay away from guys you meet in bars and stick to guys that your homegirls recommend to you PERSONALLY, and you should have a better time going forward than you did with this dude that saw you wanted to give it up, took it, and doesn’t care any more about the situation at all.
You know what, this is my public apology-I am very sorry for the way in which i presented my words. After further review I must admit that I was a little ruff in how I laid out my opinion.
First let me start by saying that I completely disregarded the fact that you had been out of the game for 6 years. Where as I live in the moment I should have taken into account the fact that you have had no reason to be “aware” for so long. Again I do apologize for “how” i said it but I fully stick to the point and the spirit of what i said.
I am by no means an expert in the field but I know the game from a males perspective and i know the effects of the game from being raised by a single mother and having an older sister. while most guys run their game and go on to brag about it, I have had the privilage of being home and witnessing how that one dudes glory was the females misery. So, again, I am quite sorry for having been blunt but I do hope you understood what i was attempting to say.
Yeah. That’s the problem, man. When people get involved in these LTRs and then get back in the game, it’s like when dudes come out of jail rockin’ Members Only jackets and wondering why people are looking at them funny… Or trying to pick up chicks with TKA songs… you know?
“Those tears on my pill-looooow are ALL BECAUSE OF YOU-OOOOOOO…”
Which reminds me I should go dig out my footage of KL in concert from a few years back when I first started videoblogging that I never posted.
Anyway… It’s tough, because you get used to how ONE PERSON acted towards you and then you get thrown in with the sharks, who are all to glad to take advantage. At least he didn’t go the gigolo route and juice her for cash.
But yeah, it’s tough when people get in the mindset of they’re going to spend the rest of their lives with someone and then that doesn’t happen. It also makes situations like this tougher because when women are used to guys that have only one girl (them), they don’t know how to carry themselves around guys that have multiple girls all the time. They just can’t fathom the mindset that he’ll take what you have for him and not think anything else about it other than “Damn… That ish was good”.
My take on this is that it sounds like he tried to be faithful to someone he is seeing or living with and fell off the wagon, it was good for awhile but then realized he aint leaving home.. And it doesn’t really matter what the reason is he wont leave, the fact is he doesn’t want you bad enough to leave. Do you really want someone who doesnt really want you? of course I could be totally wrong in my thinking as I am sure Bill will tell me shortly. and….Bill
the guy from Ca flew to Az to see me flew in sun at 2pm flew out mon at 3pm. He had lied about his height, his 5ft 11 was more like 5ft 5 and he was older way older than what he said. what a joke. I asked him didnt he think I would notice the discrepancy? I believe he was a married man just acting out…lol
p.s. no he did not stay with me in my home but at a hotel…(I would suggest this for all women) and no he didnt get lucky as I was pissed. I hate liars.
I’ll reply directly to Penelope’s post, but as far as your situation, I talked about lying about height, etc in “It’s All In The Game (Online Dating)”. Nobody cares about telling you the truth. It’s all about getting laid. If you said your requirements are 5′10″, he’s going to be 5′11″ or six feet tall and deal with the consequences once you see him in person. The hope is that he can “put you under” before you see him so by the time you do, you are so into his personality and how much he COUGHloves_youCOUGH that you give it up anyway.
Keep your eyes on the prize. Stop excepting guys to tell you the truth. Expect them to tell you whatever they need to so they can tap that.
Im sorry Bill, I really tried to wait on your response BUT…
Penelope: “I know I hurt his pride… But did I hurt him emotionaly? … or is he playing the ‘im hurt game’?” ARE YOU SERIOUS?? This dude tells u upfront he wont call you!! So you called him (strike one). You cant go to his place but he can come tap dat azz at yours (strike two). Then you appear to finally snap out of it and say no more but you call him again (STRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIKE 3). If this was a baseball game you would have been struck out with 3 straight fastballs down the middle, no curves needed! oh wait, sweety this was a game. he may have a wife he may not! He may have a gf, he may not! He might actually be divorced but his kids live with him, they may not! The fact is that he found a piece that had her own place… honestly I would never be mad at him. He is a guy, game pours out the pores!
The real concern here was that you were willing to play along. Sweety, the minute he told you he wouldnt call you should just have said “oh, ok. nice meeting you”. If I reversed this and put myself in that position where some girl tried to high post me with if you want to call thats on you Im not calling… I would have been back at the bar the next week flirting with her friends and her waitress/bartender (even if i had a different one). As a guy, we are aware of the fact that every situation is potentially not gonna end the way it started. You and woman in general would get further if you just understood that every situation should be viewed with extreme caution from the beginning and not when you suddenly feel something later! if you take into account that all guys want to get in your panties and we will do whatever it takes, the minute he said he wouldnt call your spider sense should have gone off.
Tina: “…he tried to be faithful…” uhm, yeah im not seeing that. Its more like having a side piece was the enjoyable move until said piece started acting crazy by texting, immediately after having gotten got, that she would no longer be calling AND then calling the next day. If he was going home to his REAL comapnion, that text had the potential to make his home life miserable. So in true male/playa fashion he started cutting the loose ends. Got it a couple more times and realized it was no longer worth the headache of going home late.
Well I didnt want to tell her what you told her so bluntly…lol but what you said is true if you keep throwing it in their face they are going to screw it…and he told her he wasnt going to call (didnt want that phone call on his phone) smart man.
I like the “she started acting crazy” by texting yeah texting does get people in trouble just look at the Mayor of Detroit…I like your statement”realized it (the pus) was no longer worth the headache of going home late.” lol
So true – women always throw out their relationship status in a conversation when they are not directly asked. Guys don’t do it nearly as much. Women associate more importance to being in a relationship, methinks.
“Women associate more importance to being in a relationship, methinks.”
I don’t think that the importance people place on being in a relationship has anything to do with this behaviour.
A close friend of mine once told me that whenever he meets a woman for the first time, he makes sure to mention his wife within the first 15 minutes of their conversation. This way, he signals that he is spoken for so that she does not get her hopes up and knows that they can be friends but not more.
It is just the way decent people behave. And the fact that more women behave like that probably means that there are more decent women than men.
I always paraphrase what Chris Rock said… something to the effect of “A man’s going to be as faithful as his options”. Since your friend isn’t interested in messing around, it’s in his best interest to mention that he’s spoken for. He can’t afford for the chick to climb up on him for instance and then his wife or one of her friends sees this and accuses him of doing something with her. This can be easily avoided by saying up front that he already has someone.
However, you also said your friend is MARRIED. There are lots of guys that have girlfriends and kick it to whatever other girls they want. There’s no reason to bring up significant others except as a defensive move, which is what your friend was doing.
Women tend to be more defensive because y’all have to be. Guys are the aggressors and women, for the most part, decide to accept or reject guys’ advances. The gals are going to be much more prone to blurting out that they’re involved with someone as a preemptive strike against the guy asking her out or something.
:) uhm…
Ok, dont judge me on this…LOL
I am not married nor have I ever been BUT I ahve said to woman that I am married. Why?? Because in certain situations Im not interested in anything more that that nights “activity”. Its been my experience that if a woman wants to get with you, it dont matter if you are married or not. saying that I am married means that I dont have to call tomorrow, I dont have to make time for you. Im married… I dont have anything to offer you other than that immediately available time. You with it or you not…
tahdah………. hearing a man say he is married doesnt impress me because many of us have done it to limit the development of future drama. :)
100% Correct.
There are two strategic reasons why guys would say they were married when they aren’t. The first one is what Frank stated, which is that it’s an indication that all they can get is LAID, period. Forget about the pipe dreams about actually “being together” or “Where is this relationship going?” or any other nonsense. Take it or leave it. Get down or lay down. You can ‘get it’… and you MIGHT be able to get it again in the future, depending on how this event goes down. Anything outside of that’s off-limits. Stay here and keep kickin’ it with me or break north so I can talk to some other chick that’s interested.
The second reason is that lots of women are treacherous and will SPECIFICALLY TARGET guys that are spoken for in some capacity, boyfriend, husband, whatever. The point being that the fact that this guy HAS a steady girl means he’s the TYPE of guy to have a steady girl, and that’s what she’s looking for. She knows if she trumps his current girlfriend/fiancee/whatever, she can become at least his goomah and at best replace his girlfriend entirely. The reason you would use this technique is if the chick seems like she’s on the fence and she seems like the type to come after you for that reason.
LOL. I even wore a ring on a chain around my neck because as you noted, some woman like that! Some woman are really into getting married/commited dudes. and dudes are into getting a girl who want to be got!! lol
Yeah. I haven’t employed that style too much, almost not at all, hehe.. but turning your college ring around so that it only shows the band part works just as well! ;)
it seems like you really don’t know what your talking about, maybe that works on white women since thats all you seem to be interested in, maybe you hate yourself cause it sure seems like you hate your women, it shows in all your pictures.
Very original, “Sha”. *yawn*. Feel free not to leave ANONYMOUS comments if you want to be taken seriously.
I’ll entertain your corny statements however. Please inform me why things that I have to say would “work on white women” as opposed to any other women.
What is it that YOU THINK about white women that makes you think that things work differently on them?
Next, don’t worry about what kind of women I’m interested in unless you’re a fine chick that’s trying to give me some, in which case you can email me your pictures and I’ll decide whether I want to meet you or not. :D Use it or lose it. The only right you have to be upset with the chicks I spend time with is if they’re blocking YOUR game up, which, obviously they’re not, because all of my friends have real names, which means you’re not one of them.
Third, you have no idea who I am. Therefore, you don’t get to say who “MY” women are… Capisce? Does that make sense to you, “Sha”?
Apparently, it’s still the year 1964 where you live… or maybe 1664. Get over it and find something progressive to do with your life instead of leaving anonymous as well as irrelevant comments on people’s blogs. :D
And, for your information, I LOVE my girls, because THEY love ME. And they know who they are. ;)
WE get to define who “WE” is. Period. Not you or anybody else.
Thanks for the comments! :D
As usual I must tip my cap to YOU!! To even entertain that nonsense takes some serious level headedness that many dont have!! Pero mira cono, a decir que mi amigo Bill solo le gusta las blancas por que no pude con las demas… LOL
ooooouuuuuuwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeee, I like that comment. I couldn’t have said it better myself. :)
Hit and run posters. Gotta love em! :P
Ok, I have a situation here. My ex and I work together and we broke up summer of 2008 because we were worried about our jobs. Well in April of this year he started to pursue me again and wanted to hang out again. I really didn’t want to but my boss entered four of us into a golf tournament and I’ve never played golf before. I asked tons of my friends and none of my friends know how to play golf, so he suggested that he would teach me which was fine. Because we were spending time together I was entertaining the thought about getting back together with him. He apologized about what happened last summer and said “Don’t you believe in God’s timing?” I still was leary of it. I’m a really strong Christian and he says that he is but I don’t see anything in his life to show for it. Anyway we made a decision that we wouldn’t date or talk about dating again until one of us would quit our jobs. Well, I don’t like my job too much so I’ve been looking for one. We talked and we agreed that if one of us was going to date someone else that we would tell one another about it. Well for about a month or so now I have had this feeling that he was seeing someone. He was receiving 40 text messages a day. Guys don’t text other guys 40 messages a day. So I asked him if he was seeing someone and he told me I was assuming I was. Then a few weeks ago I was out to dinner w/his sister and he walks in with “his date” and his daughter. The waiter ended up seating them two tables behind me. I felt so uncomfortable and lied too. Anyway I went outside and his sister came outside too and we talked for awhile. His sister didn’t know that we had dated the summer before. But she was telling me that he had been seeing this girl for about a month. During which he was telling me he cared about me and wanted to be with me. My thing is I don’t understand why doesn’t he tell me he is dating someone when I ask him? Every time I do, he just says I’m assuming things and I’m being emotional. If he was honest with me, I would be a little disappointed but I would be happy for him, but now I feel like he is lying to me. The girl has even come to our work in the parking lot. (And no I wasn’t spying on him…I have a mutual friend that works in the same building and we were talking one day-when I needed to vent and she saw him talking to this girl.) There is no purpose in playing me, because he isn’t getting any from me and wont’ because I’m waiting to have sex until I get married. So that isn’t even an option for me.
Why would he lie about it to me? He is just confusing me.
Hi Stephanie. Thanks for the question. :)
Unfortunately, I think you answered your own question at the very end of your comment. :)
This is going to sound retarded to you, but bear with me, I’ll try to explain my point..
If you’re not giving him any, you’re not actually his girlfriend.
You said the guy walked into the restaurant with his daughter. This means that he’s had sex at least one time in his life. This means he knows the difference between having sex and not. Guys who have had sex generally like it and want more of it. Women who consider themselves “dating” men, yet aren’t giving them any are setting themselves up to be two-timed. If a guy’s not getting something “at home”, he’s going to get it somewhere else. Period.
Having said that, it sounds like he wants to start spending intimate (non-sexual) time with you again, so there’s something about you that he really likes, and he’s probably willing to stick with you until y’all actually get married and you finally give it up. In the meantime, he’s got to make sure he can get laid. This is why he needs to keep his girlfriends on the DL (from you, at least… You see he has no problem going out on the town with them in public). He has to accomplish two things… make you believe that he’s your boyfriend until you get married and get laid without losing you before you get married.
This is why I’m saying that women that aren’t having sex with their men don’t actually have any position with them. He might like your personality, way of being, looks, smile, sense of humor, sensuality, poise, all that good stuff, but the bottom line is that if some other chick wants to give him some, he’s gonna take it because why not? You won’t know the difference either way because you’re not having sex with him. Next thing chicks know, a guy gets tired of sneaking around behind her back with chicks that he enjoys having sex with and dumps the main chick out of the blue.
Speaking of dumping, now that you’ve said you haven’t had sex with this guy, I find the excuse to break up with each other because of work to be completely bogus. Why in the world would two people be concerned about their jobs because they like to make out with each other (assuming y’all even make out with each other). You can’t get fired for holding hands and walking down the street or dancing together at company functions. It sounds to me like something that I would say to break up with a chick that I wanted out of the way so I could start having some other chick I was dating come to my job. Does that make sense? It’s my uneducated guess that he was already having sex with some other chick, and it got to the point where she wanted more of a relationship with him and it was going to be tough for him to hold the line and tell her she couldn’t come to the job, so he “broke up” with you (or made you break up with him) so he wouldn’t look like a cad when she finally appeared.
Also, please beware of loosely interpreted religious references such as “God’s Timing”. These are EASY, EASY, EEEEEASY *yawn* ways to get religious chicks to do whatever you want them to do. I wish I would have EVER thought to tell a gal “God told me to break up with you”. Actually, I’m going to try that and see how it works.
So, here’s my impression of your situation. This particular guy is apparently not a virgin, so you can forget about him dating you exclusively without having sex with other chicks. He may very well consider you to be the BEST gal he knows. Honestly. He may very well consider you to be the ONLY gal he knows that he wants to be together with as BF/GF. He may very well intend on marrying you in the future.. although I wouldn’t count on it with a flimsy excuse for breaking up such as “What about our jobs?”.
If you’re willing to accept spending time with him as one of the gals he’s dating, this might be a good time for you. You can spend time with him, not have sex with him and everything’ll be cool.
If what you’re saying is that your goal is to have an exclusive relationship to this guy without sexing him, you can expect him to break up with you every time he has a new opportunity to get laid… or just not tell you.
Past Junior High School, there’s no such thing as a “girlfriend” that you’re not having sex with.
Good Luck! :D
Thanks Bill for answering this. :) I kind of thought it was pretty stupid to break up because of our job. I never understood that, I thought it was the lamest excuse. If he really cared for me that wouldn’t be an excuse, he would do whatever it took to be with me. He broke up with me after I met his mom at his apartment one night and she told her husband that he was seeing a new girl. And then his dad started asking him questions about me and how he knew me. When he told his dad that we worked together his father advised him not to date someone he worked with, that from his experience being in business that it was best not to and that this job was more important than a relationship with some girl. His dad was a CFO of a major corporation and now is a chancellor of a large university, so I know he respects his father’s opinion very much. It was so weird everything was fine and then the weekend when his mom met me and he talked with his dad, he broke up with me. Who knows if that was a bunch of crap..
The funny thing is I went to my boss this past summer when my ex-was wanting to date me again and asked my boss his policy on dating coworkers (we only have 10 employees and my ex sits three feet from me) and my boss said that there wasn’t anything in the employee handbook about coworkers dating but that he wouldn’t advise it because it could cause problems in the future, but ultimately it was up to us what we wanted to do. Everyone in the office knows that we have liked each other off an on for the past year and a half.
And yes you are right if he isn’t get sex from me he will get it from some place else because I now know who he is and that he was just telling me what I wanted to hear. He knows my values and my boundaries and I made that very clear from the very beginning. And yes we have made out before. :) Ha, Ha. I’m not like a little girl on “Little House on the Prairie” Ha, Ha. I’m just glad he showed me who he really was. I honestly don’t care that he is dating someone, I just felt hurt that he lied to me because as friends I thought we were open enough to talk about stuff like that. The only time he has introduced this girl to anyone in his family was the night I was out to dinner w/his sister. His sister says the times she has seen this girl w/my ex has been when he and she (his new gf) was in the car waiting to pick up his daughter from his parent’s house a few times. He never introduces her to them at all. That says to me “booty call”. Ha, Ha. I think it’s hilarious. He is hiding her. If she came to work I wouldn’t care…what does he think I’m going to do make a scene? My parents raised me to be a lady and to be mature…so that is not something I would do. His daughter is from his marriage and his wife died four years ago. His sister says he is very secretive about his dating relationships and doesn’t usually tell them who he is dating. So essentially he is trying to hide his behavior.
I don’t believe that we were dating this past summer; we were just hanging out as friends. He told me that he cared for me deeply and that he wants to be with me, and hasn’t stopped having feelings for me since last summer and when I told him that I thought it was best after I quit my job that we not be friends anymore…he said that he wished I would reconsider and that he wanted to be in my life. He has made an invested effort to get to know my best friends and family as well. Since I caught him out with this girl it’s been pretty funny at work…he looks miserable.
I know that you think there is no such thing as a “girlfriend” w/o having sex but I disagree. I just have a different perspective on things and you know what that is ok. I have a biblical perspective and I know that sounds old fashion but that is what I believe. He has his beliefs and I have mine and I’m not changing mine. And he doesn’t have to change his either, he would if he wants to be with me…but honestly the Lord has to do that. I can’t do that and I don’t want to.
And No I will not be dating him again. We have very different values and wants in life and if he is being secretive about this, what else is he being secretive about. I don’t change who I am in different settings, what you see is what you get.
I really do appreciate your insight. It makes sense in so many ways. Thanks again..
sidenote…how do I load my profile photo on here? do i have to have my own website or something?
You’re welcome for the response, Stephanie. :)
To load your profile photo, you have to go to http://en.gravatar.com/ and link a picture to the email address that you use when you post comments here. After you do that, any site that uses gravatars will have your smiling face on your posts! :D
I’d like to expand on what I meant by “no such thing as a girlfriend without sex”. Sure, there are lots of guys that have girlfriends and never have sex with them at all between when they call them “girlfriend” and when they break up. Sucks to be them. :D I wasn’t talking about the title, but actually my point was that you have ZERO LEVERAGE against the next girl showing up and giving your man some if you’re not doing it yourself. Lots of times, this is enough impetus for him to dump one chick and spend his quality time with the chick that’s down with the program.
I don’t consider a title without leverage to be valid. It’s like a “walk / don’t walk” sign at a street corner. The sign can say “don’t walk” all it wants, but if there aren’t cars coming, people are going to cross the street. The sign can say “walk” all it wants, but if there are cars constantly zooming by, nobody’s going out into the street. A gal can call herself girlfriend all she wants, but it’s worthless if a guy’s just going to dump her for the next best thing as soon as he can.
Also, to clarify. I’m not saying that there’s ANYTHING wrong with your position at all. You feel how you feel and you have your reasons for that. There are lots of women that aren’t down with premarital sex and then cry “FOUL!” when they find out their man is “cheating” on them. It’s an unrealistic expectation for sexless relationships not to get horned-in on by people that are willing to do what the guy or gal in the relationship won’t do for their so-called SO.
Now… I’m going to tell you what happened to you. :D .. Again, I don’t know you and I don’t know him, but you’ve given us more information now, so here’s my opinion:
You. Did. Not. Get. The. Seal. Of. Approval. From. His. Parents.
You wrote: “It was so weird everything was fine and then the weekend when his mom met me and he talked with his dad, he broke up with me.” That’s not weird. Guys break up with gals all the time because their parents don’t approve. I have no idea why that happens, but it happens. I mean, if you have a Trust Fund coming, then “Where Does Homey Sign? :D” haha the chick is out the door so I can get my Millions! :D … Other than that, I don’t know why guys do this.
Meanwhile, a guy doesn’t want to look like A CHUMP and say “I have to break up with you now, because my parents said so”. Enter the excuse: “Work”.
The reason work is a problem is that if he breaks up with you and you don’t like the reason, he stands the chance that you’re going to suddenly be a problem for him. Not you as an individual.. This is Standard Operating Procedure for any chick. It’s just not good policy to date chicks that you work with, live near, always go to the same parties with, etc, because when you break up with a chick, you want her to be gone, gone, GONE! :D
So, whether it was the parents disapproving of you or him getting more into his new girl, whose legs probably stay open like your local 7-11, once he realized that he was going to need to break up with you, he needed a good excuse that couldn’t be blamed on him. “Work” happens to be perfect, because if you no longer work where he does, you’ll be a non-issue if you feel poorly about the breakup.
Meanwhile, according to the sister, he’s not even bringing the new chick TO his parents. Who knows why that is, but it might be because he knows they’re not going to approve of her so he’s keeping her under the hat.
Based on what you’ve said about what you want and what he apparently wants, I think you’re making a good decision not to date him again. You’re probably better off meeting men at church functions and through mutual friends that know what both of you like and want and can act as matchmakers. The playing field tends to be much easier that way.
Good Luck! :D
Stephanie, couple of questions: If by his own sisters account, this is how he always has been how did you get “…booty call…essentially he is trying to hide his behavior”?? Many a person (male/female) tend to have boundaries set up that are meant to seperate family life and social life. In my almost 40yrs on this planet, my mother has met exactly 4 females i dated and they are in order 1-crazy chick who followed me home from school (college!) 2-Chick I dated for a little over 6yrs (and that was only because of the time involved) 3-Chick who I was “hooking up” with on the regular (She was a nurse at the hospital I work at and my mom happened to be a patient) 4- The mother of my beautiful year old daughter (obvious reason). I never set out to decieve anyone or hide who I really am. I just thought it would be best to not bring every single person who I intended on “sleeping” with (dumb term as mentioned in “euphemisms for sex”). The fact that his daughter knows who that girl is, elevates her to a status just above booty call at the very least.
Also, you say if he wanted to be with you he would change… uhm, thats not a valid idea or suggestion. What if his friends or his heart is telling him “if SHE wants to be with you SHE should change”? There should be a MIDDLE ground when adults are involved. So you dont want to have sex but he wants to… there are other forms of NON penetrating sexual contact that MAYBE the two of you can agree on. As unfair as it would sound to you that he wants you to engage in sexual intercourse with him, its sounds just as unreasonable to him that you are not interested. Look at the facts, he has a daughter, meaning he done it at least once!!! You cant really expect him to not want to again. If YOU really wanted to be with him why cant you at least try to find a middle thats way to the left of actually “going all the way” BUT just right of “making out”?
To suggest that one of you should leave his/her job and then the 2 of you engage in non engaging… it all reads as a win for you. Wheres the win for him?? This should be WIN/WIN.
Thanks Bill and Frank for responding. :) I got my photo loaded. :) Ok, I don’t think it’s because they don’t like me. His sister are my friends now and want to hang out with me all the time. He invited me to his family picnic in July and his mom, and sister came up to me and gave me a big hug and they all talked to me for a long time. His daughter is very sweet and always comes up to hold my hand or give me a hug. His dad on the other hand is hard to read. I think he wants his dad’s respect so much that he isn’t going to jeopardize his relationship with him. My ex dated a girl when he was in college and she chased him and he let her, she then got pregnant and they got married. His sister said “We loved her, but she was bad for my brother…and he totally changed when they started dating.” His father was very disappointed in his son’s decision so I believe he (my ex) is really wanting his father’s approval and not wanting to mess things up.
I believe that is why he is secretive about his relationships.
Frank…sex is one issue I won’t back down on. I mean I will compromise on a lot of issues but that for me is sacred. My faith in Jesus Christ is the most important thing in my life. It defines who I am. It’s how I base my decisions.
I want him to be happy and if this girl makes him happy then that is great.
Thanks for the response Steph. This is actually what I wanted to read “sex is one issue I won’t back down on. I mean I will compromise on a lot of issues but that for me is sacred. My faith in Jesus Christ is the most important thing in my life. It defines who I am. It’s how I base my decisions.” As a believer and a follower, you understand that religion is losing many memebers and many of those who remain are finding their beliefs compromised. First let me start by saying, good for you!! Good that you have such a strong sense of faith that you are unwavering in your dedication to it. On the other hand, for those of us that dont believe (I am one), to those who have felt the need to consolidate their beliefs with the expectations and personal desires make are to be commended as well. The problem is when one a memeber of one group decides to get involved with a memeber of another. Either there has to be a little give and take or it becomes a strained relationship. I agree with you that the 2 of you no longer be involved in a BF/GF type of relationship BUT I think the 2 of you have much to offer each other as friends. As friends he may get a better understanding of how strong your faith is and you might understand that although his beliefs may not be a strong as yours, it does not mean that he has no religion. I think the two of you have something to offer each other.
As per BillC’s response, I have to agree… I think church socials and contacts through mutual friends is the way to go for you.Not to say you cant find one in the mainstream but it will spare you the process of having to wead out those that only have one thing in mind. Although the wolves in sheeps clothing will apply to some in your faith based world as well.
I definitely agree that there’s a benefit to them in being friends… not to be confused with “Friends with Benefits”, haha.. but seriously, folks…
I totally believe that like-minded people should date each other. Believers should date Believers, and Non should date Non. You can cross over if it’s all about hanging out and having a good time, but in the long run, life goals and expectancies are going to be completely different and someone’s going to end up disappointed… NORMALLY the Believer.
Also, in this case, the way Stephanie told the story, FIRST the girlfriend got pregnant and THEN the boyfriend married her. If that’s how it went down, that means the boyfriend had/has NO PROBLEM with premarital sex which probably indicates that his beliefs are rather different from Stephanie’s. Also, pulling out “Don’t you believe in God’s timing?†sounds like he was throwing something Stephanie probably said herself at some point back in her face… not in a malicious or mocking fashion, but in a manipulative fashion that indicates that he was willing to use her beliefs against her in order to get his way.
Basically, it’s much easier for a Non-Believer to fake being a Believer than the other way around. The Believer is at a decided disadvantage as they’re operating with only a subset of what the Non-Believer is working with. The Believer has more rules & regulations, so it’s a much better idea to hook up with people who are like-minded and are just as disinterested in having sex with you before marriage as you are in having sex with them.
uhm, so yeah… disregard the spelling. :)
hi guys.
new to this site and love your comments. as a woman with four brothers, i have been saying all my life women need to take responsibility for men messing with them. even my girl friends stand for things for which am like wtf? then come crying like he blah blah blah blah. a man respects a woman who respects herself and lets face it girls am sorry if hes getting the sex for free then no incentive to continue. its an old but true adage why buy the milk……. all my brothers, cousins and guy friends which amount to about 300 men (no joke) reluctantly admit its true. l am currently with a great guy, who knew right from the start you either gonna put up or shut up and get out (within his own time frame of cos and l said this nicely but with an evil glint in my eye). my mother always said talk softly but carry a huge freaking stick.lol. l even told my guy the other day l would be willing to experiment further and hes like cool well take it slow dont worry. men can be so awesome. remember there are men and little boys pretending to be men. find a man. age has no relevance to maturity too. keep up the good work guys. love your posts.
Hey Lara. Thanks for the comments and the props! :D
“A man respects a woman who respects herself” is absolutely true. It has to start with the individual. If a gal sees herself as a toy and carries herself that way, guys aren’t going to give her ANY more respect than she commands via her way of being. Definitely.
The 300 guys ‘reluctantly’ admit that it’s true because their rap could be affected if the word got out that they adamantly believed in or agreed with this position. This is partially the reason why there aren’t many people other than myself that will tell it like it is. Chicks are going to like me regardless of what I write in blogs. Most guys don’t have that luxury, so they have to keep REALITY under the hat and ACT AS IF, or “Go Along To Get Along”. Meanwhile, you’ll notice that there are almost ZERO comments from guys on this blog telling me that I’m incorrect, and I’ve been posting for two years now…. HMMMMMMMM…….
IMO, a woman will never isolate a man by using sex unless they’re surrounded by prudes. The way to make your relationship last is to demonstrate to him that you’re The Bee’s Knees, personality-wise. Personality is usually completely underestimated when compared to looks. What guys find out down the line is that as HAWT as a chick might be, if she’s not aligned with you and down with the program, she’s ultimately useless and more trouble than she’s worth. Meanwhile, that chick that might not be tall enough to be a model or skinny enough to wear skinny jeans or pretty enough for anyone to ask her to model for anything might just be a TROOPER and have your back 100% when it honestly counts. She might be as down for your satisfaction as you are for hers, and that’s when relationships REALLY work.
So, as long as you have good communication with your BF and you’re putting your best foot forward, that’s really all you can do and all anyone can expect. If he’s on top of his game, he’ll recognize quality and try to give you even more than you’re giving him.
First i’d like to say your blog is very useful to us females that don’t think the same as males, obviously!!! Very interesting to see the males point of view and so bluntly for that matter, i appreciate that, just the truth and facts. Well ive found myself in a simular situation as the previous women in this blog. I am a 31yr old that was divorced last year and began dating again after eight years. Ive been seeing a man my brother introduced me to 7 months ago that is a couple years older than me who had been through a breakup months prior to meeting him. So on our first date i wasnt suprised when he brought up that he also had gotten out of a long relationship as well months prior, but was shocked to hear he still lived with her because of lease agreement. I know, BIG red flag. But he explained that he is not with her, nor does he want to work things out and that shes hardly ever there. Well since then we’ve seen each other every weekend and spend lots of time together. I have fallen in love with him and he’s always been respectful and the kindest person. We get along the best that i have ever with anyone. At first it didnt bother me but as time has gone by without meeting his family and not spending the holidays together cause obviously his family doesnt know about me,I’m becoming impatient and its starting to bother me a lot!!. He has explained how much he wants to introduce me to parents but wants to wait till his situation has changed, cause they are old fashion? Ive explained i want a normal relationship, without restrictions. He’s explained wanting to marry me, have children with me and that he has waited his whole life to meet someone like me. I wish i knew exactly what was going on in that head of his. Ive asked when his situation is gonna change and the date has changed from month to month. Ive asked if she knows if he is dating or knows about me and he explains that he doesnt want to hurt her or cause more problems in his stressful life already. So she doesnt know about me and ive never been over to his house. Wouldnt a couple that has broken up and still live together have a talk of seeing other people or not? We constantly txt all the time which i find annoying since we could have that same conversation within five mins vs. an hour of txtn. The other thing is ive noticed he usually calls after a certain time when she leaves for work, she works at night and then when staying over at my place he does leave at a certain time. Ive complained that it bothers me and would want him to stay but he says that he has stomach problems and needs his meds? Plz!! Anyway, just recently ive told him I need a definite time on when his situation is gonna change or we need to wait to pick this up when it has changed. This has gone on for seven months now and its very confussing. Why would a man express me being the love of his life, talk about marriage and then not change his living situation? I dont know what goes on in that house and its starting to bug the hell out of me. I just dont get the whole thing, would someone whos playing a game really talk about love and marriage? Isnt that going a bit toooo far? I dont know what to do, is there something else i could do to find out whats going on,(besides spying)which id never do? Ive noticed its been several months since last reply on this discussion but would really appreciate some insight from a mans point of view on this situation. Thanks again.
Hey Rebecca. Thanks for the props and the question. :)
I don’t know either of you, but here’s what I think based on what you wrote:
Back in the day, I had a girlfriend. At some point she informed me that she wanted the two of us to not be romantically involved.. i.e. she wanted us to stop having sex. I asked her if she was sure. She said she was. I told her to explain herself and she did. I asked her at least two more times if she was sure and she said she was. I told her “ok”.
The very next thought that entered my mind was all the girls I could **** now that I was no longer beholding to one female. I didn’t think about leaning back. I didn’t think about getting a drink. I didn’t think about a single thing other than the importance of what I had just agreed to. Nothing was changing about our relationship other than she had just given me Carte Blanche to **** other chicks.
The no-sex thing only lasted about 22 hours, but that’s not the point.
If the guy you wrote about was staying with his girl “because of a lease agreement”, it wouldn’t be any of his business when, how or IF he got laid. As a matter of fact, the. very. first. thing. he should have figured out is who he was going to get his consistent sex from, since it wasn’t going to be the chick he’s living with. He also should have informed her that he’s going to have company over and FEMALE company and he’s going to do whatever the hell he wants with them when he has them over…… UNLESS….. :D
He might have put himself on a self-ban as far as having women over so that she agrees to not have MEN over. The LAST THING a guy wants is to be in the next room over, listening to some dude pounding his ex-girlfriend out. Damn. :D So you might be restricted from the house for that reason.
It’s way more likely, however that he has some kind of sweet deal on the rent (such as not paying any) that he doesn’t want to lose, so he’s playing the subservient role with her. He has to make sure she likes everything he does, so he has to keep you on the DL.
It’s also EXTREMELY LIKELY (before Frank starts jumping up and down) that he never broke up with her in the first place, and you’re the side-piece.
The “lease agreement” line is about to run out in a few months. People don’t sign multi-year leases.. well SMART PEOPLE don’t sign multi-year leases, so if you’ve been dating him for 7 months, he only has 5 months of that excuse left.
More importantly, it doesn’t make sense that he’s dodging her and hiding you from her. It doesn’t make sense that he only texts you when she’s within hearing range, which means he’s NOT ALLOWED to kick it with you which means she’s still his girlfriend or he’s beholding to her in some fashion, such as she doesn’t require him to pay rent or she’s still sexing him.
As far as “Going too far”, nothing this guy’s done has been egregious. In fact, it’s all rather textbook. The best way to get a chick to lay down is to tell her that you want what she wants. Period. Houses, Cars, Kids, Picket Fences, 401Ks, Trips To Zimbabwe, tell her *anything* because she’s gonna give it up before you actually have to produce any of those things.
Whose parents, on this planet, wouldn’t be glad to know that their son has a new girlfriend when they know that he’s not with his ex anymore and still has to live with her? O_o He would like you to believe he’s lying to his parents and telling them he’s still with his ex instead of that he’s lying TO YOU and telling you he’s NOT with her.
As far as seeing him every weekend, that’s only two days out of seven. Back in the day, I’m pretty sure I maxed out at three simultaneous girlfriends amongst other random socializations. Three chicks that I definitely saw every week and a lot of people knew I was dating each chick and some people knew I was dating all of them. *yawn* Elementary.
See, the way this part of the game goes, he’s going to keep getting sex until he isn’t. If you find out anything that’s a relationship-breaker, he’s SOL. He has to keep all his plates spinning on the sticks. He can’t afford to introduce you to ANYONE. THAT. HE. KNOWS. because they might spill the real beans. No parents. No ex-girlfriend that he still lives with for monetary reasons. No holidays where a nephew can ask him where his wife is while you’re standing right next to him…
See, the problem here is that he’s a grown-ass man. All the stuff you outlined sounds like a 15-year-old that’s trying not to get grounded because his parents don’t know he has a girlfriend. Oh.. I almost forgot.. I’m assuming his “meds” go in his MOUTH, which means they could also fit in his POCKET when he knows he’s going to some chick’s crib to get some PRIVACY for once because he can’t take her to HIS OWN APARTMENT so he doesn’t get busted by his girlfriend or wife.
Anyway, like I said, I don’t know either of you, so I could be completely wrong about all that and there could be some kind of fantastic explanation for all of these incredible coincidences.
Personally, if I were in a relationship with so many undefined variables, I wouldn’t consider myself in a relationship at all. I learned that back when I was a teenager and I thought I was dating this chick when I was actually the rebound guy until she could patch up her relationship with her ex. I found *THAT* out when she was suddenly crying to me one day about her boyfriend leaving her and I was like “What The **** Are You Talking About? He Left You Weeks Ago!” :D
I learned from that situation that half a relationship isn’t worth anything to me. Unless I’m on the same page with a chick, I assume our relationship is ZERO. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t mess with a chick.. I just wouldn’t add more meaning to it than is supposed to be there when people that are attracted to each other mess around.
The problem that a lot of women have is that y’all don’t like being in the game. You’re always looking to retire, so guys “see you coming”. You all want the same things, so lying to y’all is pretty easy. It’s not like guys have to think up DIFFERENT LIES to get chicks to give it up.
The question you have to ask yourself is whether the pros are outweighing the cons. A lot of women jump to conclusions and exit the relationship because they can’t get exclusive access to a guy or at least can’t be ASSURED of exclusivity. A lot of those same women feel stupid right afterwards because even though they didn’t have it all with this guy, they had a lot of what they like in life because of being able to spend time with him.
Of course, it goes the other way extremely often as well, with women being stung along indefinitely until they find out that they’re not the only chick on the Tiger Woods text-messaging plan.
Good Luck! :D
Bill,
“Tiger Woods text-messaging plan” – Yeah, I think T-mobile bundles that in with the My Fave Booty Calls plan.
Rebecca,
What’s your brother’s take on this dude? Nothing for nothing but he’s kinda on the hook for introducing you to this guy. Considering he’s your bro some homework is expected PRIOR to the intro. No? What can he tell you about this dude now and can you get him to do some unobtrusive digging?
Other than that, sigh, I have to agree with Bill. The only way I can see this situation as being straight up is if they were married a long, long, time and they’re dividing up assets and the dust still hasn’t settled yet. If that ain’t the case he should’ve worked out some kind of sock on the doorknob deal like Bill was saying. Either he’s moved on and he’s stuck there but making the best of it, or he hasn’t. Don’t sound like the former. Maybe she does his laundry. Whoops, I meant, maybe she “does his laundry”. Whatever the case, it’s only part of a relationship. Go out and tackle a dude who also looking to retire and can give you the whole whammy. Trust me, you’ll save yourself some grief.
Thanks for the reply and insight to my question. Yes i have to agree it DOESNT make sense. Im not use this game or have been played. He is 35 and acts like hes 10 getting his hand caught in the cookie jar with all the excuses. Also he gets rather defensive when i have brought it up. Which has been this last month. He will say “i cant take the questioning” and i respond with this is a resonable question that needs to be talked about. And then he starts with i cant lose u and dont want to imagine life without me. And i guess hes also suprised that i didnt bring it up before till now. Anyway,there are two months left on his lease and only time will tell. oh and i have thought same thing that maybe shes the one finacially responsible in the relationship cause part of the excuse is money to get another place. Like i said it went fron December and then to January, and since there has been no move on his part i started asking. My brother was really surprised to find out he still lived with her. They know each other but i guess is not one of his best friends. I told him when i found out, and he appologized cause he was unaware. He basically told me “Plz dont believe anything he says until hes not living with her anymore”. Ive also felt recently since there is this want for privacy on his part to keep me a secret, to family and friends, that he is still wanting and even waiting for things to be diff between them. If they are not still together that is. And yes ive definitely thought that they still have had sex in the last year of living together, but do want to trust and believe what he says, for the most part. I know cause it sounds and feels better. I really do appreciate the feedback and wish there were some for sure way to know whats going on without the wait.
Steve brings up a VERY important point. There are so many glaring errors here that I missed speaking on it entirely. Your BROTHER is responsible for qualifying dudes he introduces you to. He COMPLETELY should have given you the rundown as far as who he believes this guy to be. If he didn’t know he was still living with his girlfriend, he doesn’t have any idea about the relationship between them and THAT should have been something he told you when he introduced you. He should have either told you the deal or told you that he DOESN’T KNOW the deal with this guy. Fumble.
As far as 35 and acting like 10, don’t expect things to change. People don’t change as they get older. 35 year old guys want to get laid just like 25 year old guys and they’re going to lie their asses off to get you to do the right thing. It’s never going to change. Get used to it.
Of course he can’t take the questioning.. because he’s LYING. Lies are very tough to cover from different angles, because they’re one-dimensional. It’s like building one wall and calling it a building. All you have to do is look at the other three sides or the roof and you’ll see that it’s only a wall. You were supposed to fall for the lies and keep giving it up.
Having said that, I’d also like to say for the record that I don’t believe a single thing about his living conditions or relationship status. All we know is what you’ve told us and all you know is what he’s told you. For all we know, he’s married AND has kids that live in the apartment with them. He might have to wait until the kids go to sleep to speak to you. He might have a job in Burger King and can’t pick up the phone so you hear people ordering French Fries that he has to cook. It could be ANYTHING.
All that “can’t lose you” is textbook. Listen to ANY R&B or Freestyle record and they all say the same thing. “You are so important and unique”. The purpose of the records is for guys to get laid. Period. I hate to be so repetitive and redundant about this point, but women never get it. I’m getting tired of hearing myself make this point. :D
If there are two months left on his lease, he’s going to have to figure out how to make more than McDonald’s minimum wage before then OR he’s going to have to have his own place. It doesn’t take ONE MONTH to find a new place, so he should already know where he’s going to move. If he doesn’t, he could end up homeless, which means that if he doesn’t already know where he’s going to move and how much he’s going to pay for rent, HE. AIN’T… GO. WIN. NO. WHERE… HE. AIN’T. GOIN-NO-WHERE… HE CAN’T BE STOPPED NOW.. ‘CAUSE IT’S BAD-BOY FOR LIFE!
Other than disease-wise, whether he’s screwing her or not is all the same to you. You’ve been hooking up with him this whole time and he’s been doing or not doing whatever he’s been doing. Your experience is the same either way. If you find out NOW that he’s also physically with her, it’s not that your relationship changed, it’s just that you finally found out what time it is.
I don’t have a way for you to find out because unfortunately, it’s just TOUGH BEING A CHICK. You’re the zebra and you want information about when the lion’s going to eat you. It doesn’t work like that. The predator knows that you’re prey and you think you’re operating on a level playing field. When was the last time you heard of a zebra eating a lion? O_o
My suggestion to you is to figure out some things that you REALLY want to know and base your decisions on how you relate to him on the answers to those questions.
Oh.. One other thing. With this lease/rent thing, you’re getting set up to be the “fall guy”. Assuming that anything you know about him is true, which I doubt it is, if his lease DOES run out and he DOES have to move, get ready for the good ole “Can I stay with you until I can get back on my feet, financially?” If that happens and you let him stay with you, get ready for him to be texting the next chick from YOUR crib and talking to HER after YOU go to sleep.
Well thanks again for replying and giving me ur insight on how men think. I really appreciate you telling me basically how it is. Well I really thought about what you had to say. Since we do not have mutual friends in common I thought of how I could find out somthing to put my mind at ease and get some truth of whats really going on. I decided to txt a pic of him to his supposibly ex-gfriend and she called back. Come to find out they have been together this whole time. To me I was shocked, and yes Im sure you are saying I told u so. Anyway, she asked questions and I told her I only knew what he said, which was he said they seperated a year ago. AND she also mentioned SHE was the one supporting him for the last three years. OMG so yeah, this could have been me in a couple of months if I kept believing all he would tell me. So now everything makes since, kinda sucks but feel much better knowing Im washing my hands of him. Thanks again:)
You’re welcome, Rebecca… It’s “nothing”, really.. Just facts and truth as they appeared to me based on what you said.
Even though we all can read above that “I told you so”, my blog is most certainly not about gloating. I would have rather you came back and reported that all these indicators actually misled my opinion of the situation and all was actually fine with your relationship. The odds were WAY against you.
Don’t feel alone in this. These are all rudimentary, commonplace tactics that are straight out of a textbook or template. Lie to her and tell her you want everything that she wants + keep her away from ANYONE that might tell her the truth = Getting Laid.
Guys do this all day, every day, across the country and most likely around the world. Mainly, you either have chicks on the roster or you have one girlfriend. If you have chicks on the roster, there’s a hierarchy of importance/value. At the time I was dating the three chicks, I knew which one was more important than the others and allocated my time and actions accordingly. Would I bring one around to parties? Sure. Would I take the other one downtown but not to parties? Yup. Would I only visit the third one on her school’s campus? Yup. Did I make sure that their friends didn’t overlap, even though some of MY friends knew all three of them? Yup. It’s really too easy.
It’s set up that way so you take the least risk with the most important chick. You don’t want to run into “I want to go with you to XYZ party” from your main chick and have to deny her because the jig is up. The rest of them, you can just tell them “Nah, I’m not going to that party” or “Nah, I’m already going with someone” or “Nah, it’s just the fellaz going to that party” or you don’t tell them about the party at all or they already know that the nature of your relationship is you hanging out with them downtown or in their dorms.
When your main girl knows your schedule, you don’t want her to call you and you only text her back. There’s no excuse. The jig is up. The other chicks have to be used to you walking away from them when your phone rings or shutting the **** up when you get a call if they know you have a girlfriend that’s above them on the totem pole. Elementary Game. The more important a chick is, the more you treat her like your actual girlfriend or wife.
Your wife gets to go to holidays. Your wife gets to go places where your parents are. Your wife gets taken pretty much EVERYWHERE because you don’t have to hide her from people and you basically want everyone to know who you’re with.. oh.. You might also actually WANT her to come to special family events with you, haha :D
So anyway, no. I’m not “happy” that I was right, but it was walking like a duck and it was talking like a duck. \o/
so ive been seeeing this guy from my work…and for awhile i kept it on the dl cuz i didnt want everybudy talkin about it and also i didnt want to cause n e problems but i later found out that it doesnt matter cuz neither 1 of us r in possitions that could possible cause problems. n e who we went to dinner n the movies a couple times n its been real nice since ive nevery really been treated right. but n e ways long story short im really confussed becuz he says he doesnt want to date becuz he might move soon for his career and yet he treats me just like his gf….is he tryin to play me…does he have a gf…wut is it. i tryed to just make it a fling n he wouldnt let me.this is very confussin n i would like sum guy addvice.
Hi CC,
sorry I’m female, so this is not really “guy advice”, but I think your story sounds very much like the one in this article on “intimacy lite”:
http://collegecandy.com/2009/05/28/sexy-time-intimacy-lite/
Check out the pros and cons + some of the comments below, maybe it helps you figure out how to handle your situation. Good luck!
Hey CC. Thanks for the question. :)
Similar to The Maury Show… SOMETIMES, guys are telling the truth. :)
Sometimes, it’s just part of a guy’s repertoire to show a gal a nice time and there’s nothing more to it. Sometimes, a guy actually IS concerned about starting something and moving, causing mental & emotional turmoil for one or both of you.
Having said that, I don’t see any reason why y’all couldn’t agree to date until he has to leave. Anyway… You actually ARE dating if he’s taking you out and taking you to the movies, etc. Dating doesn’t CHANGE if you call it dating. It’s still the two of youse spending time together and enjoying your lives on a particular day and time. There’s no difference between dating and hanging out other than giving a hangout the title “date”.
Guys don’t have to have a forward-thinking goal in order to show you a good time. If that’s what he wants to do, that’s what happens. Back in the day, after a really great date, I took a chick shopping. She attempted to drive herself crazy making my gesture mean something other than what it was, which is that I really appreciated who she had been BEING that evening and I was inspired to thank her more than saying “Thank You” and that’s what my mind came up with.
You bring up an important point, however, because just because a guy treats you like his girlfriend doesn’t mean he’s angling towards being in an exclusive relationship with you. That might be his natural reaction to being with a gal that turns him on or that he enjoys as a person or comrade or sidekick.
Sometimes, the current state of the relationship is where he’s comfortable and he doesn’t have any plans for escalation.. Just having a good time when both of y’all are available and interested.
As far as the topic of the post.. If you want to try to figure out if he has other girls besides you, try to spend more time with him. Don’t be pushy about it or you might get dumped. See if you can spend a Friday night AND a Saturday night with him. See if he’ll give you spend the day with you on a holiday or invite you to a wedding or introduce you to his friends. Guys that have girlfriends are obliged to give them certain days and times or else they might get caught cheating.
Either way, it sounds like a good time for you, so right now it doesn’t matter whether he has other girls or not. Enjoy yourself and when you get to a point where you’re NOT enjoying yourself, let him know what you’re feeling or just bail.
@Fishingrod: WOW! haha The Exact Same Line about moving away! :D I wonder if that’s a new standard line that I’m not aware of yet! :D
This whole article has been very informative. I got alot of male insight since i dont have brothers. Im a serial monogamist. when im in a exclusive relationship..im in it until im not in it but im very cautious and trust my gut if something aint right which happened to me.
I only found this place after busting a guy I started getting to know and “dating” from the gym Sunday for having a girlfriend after 3 days! (I give myself dap for busting him so soon..i knew it was something off about him so i kept my gaurd up and i was right..i told my friend who wanted to meet him that i sensed something about him and 3 hours later it all came out lol)
HE told me these things:
He asked me if i had a facebook and on the internet alot bc he wasnt. he said he doesnt like being on the computer- so i binged his name and I found his myspace that he logged into 3 days ago last night after coming home from seeing him.
He told me he doesnt have any family when his family is all on his myspace lol its like he wouldnt let me make connections with him so that instantly put my radar up.
he doesnt text but he has the sprint unlimited text plan? i realized he just dont text someone hes trying to hit and quit.
I saw his son which he was honest and told me he had a kid. I dont like guys with kids (thats my bottom line) but i let this slide. He also told me he doesnt take pictures unless professional and i look on his myspace and he took pics of HIMSELF so that was a lie. I told him he dont take pics bc its PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE for his girl! lol I think i saw his babymomma or some chick he is hugged up on over and over. so that was his girlfriend. I told him tonight that it dont matter who she is it matters that you are someone elses. then i found her facebook and she has pictures of them ALL together from the club. if i wasnt with someone i would take down their pictures not say that im single while she is saying she “in a relationship”
He told me these things in one night so i really didnt waste any time on him just 3 days. He was too touchy feely too soon for my taste. Im a girl and i like PDA like the next but He sucked my toes the 2nd day of kicking it and wanted to do other things. It got to a point that I wanted to tell him Uh N@#$A get off me!
I basically had to fend off this big 6′4″ guy trying to stick my foot down his throat while asking me baby does that turn you on. lol ftr: toe sucking is nasty it feels like ur foot is in hot peanut butter lol i now realize he moved fast bc he didnt have alot of time cuz his chick was at home and he had to get back. i can laugh about it bc he is just 26. Think about what you were like at 26 thinking you were slick?
Im a few years older than him and with the internet at my finger tips he thought i was gonna fall for it. so i sent him a message on myspace with that MenanceIISOciety youtube quote of bill duke saying “you know you done effed up” lol here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6V1YmiT8qKg
I confronted him since we go to the same gyms and said if you see me and think you wanna speak..dont unless you want to be embarrased Toe Boy. he was speechless.
Thanks for the comment, SannyD. “Bravo!” on doing your due diligence and protecting yourself & ejecting before your situation got messed up. :D
I wrote about this in November ‘09 in “Google Your Date?”. This is 2010. Women should be able to find out what they need to know about prospective suitors by sitting down at their computers and doing exactly what you just outlined.
The funny thing is that by now, if someone DOESN’T have any type of internet presence, that’s about as incriminating as if they leave an obvious trail like the guy you’re talking about here. Even if they’re too old to be interested in Social Media, there should be SOME record of them on the internet.. From their jobs, from something they’ve done or attended…
Maybe it’s just me. I’m spoiled because I know so many people through Social Media that I’ve become used to meeting women that I already have references and checks & balances for. I know two different gals that I have 345 mutual Facebook friends with. I attend parties that friends of mine throw. It’s very likely that anyone I meet there is going to know SOMEBODY that I know that will vouch for their character AND/OR give me the lowdown on what they’re really like as a person.
I think I’ve been affected by this to the point that I just don’t believe people unless someone else can verify them. I listen to what people say, but I don’t accept it as fact. I was flagged down by this gal a while back while I was at this bar.. She informed me that her homegirl had seen me in the gym that morning. When I looked at her girl, she started playing it off quickly, like “Nah, Nah”, so I have no idea what to believe. All I know is that the chick that called me over had the correct information about what I had been doing that morning, so SOMEONE out of their posse (probably HER) goes to my gym.
This is way more important for women, because men are generally the aggressors when it comes to raps. Y’all have to try to figure out the truth WHILE dudes are tryin’na gas your heads up talking about how fine you are and what they want to do to you. I don’t subscribe to things like “The Rules” as far as chicks holding out on sex for a certain number of dates, but I *DEFINITELY* advocate holding out until you can Google a dude! :D
Just like you found out, it’s often right thurrr for people to see. Girlfriends, Kids, Family Members.. Everything someone wants to lie to you about, they’ve probably been broadcasting to people like “Look at me! I’m the man! :D”. Sites like Facebook and Twitter are rewarding transparency, meaning people who take personal credit & responsibility for what they say and do on the net. You establish yourself as having a particular way of being and having particular friends and having particular viewpoints and sharing certain links.. You can develop a reputation online that precedes you offline, where people that wouldn’t otherwise have noticed you come up to you at a party and tell you they enjoy your blog or that they know you have mutual friends. People trying to hide and call themselves PacMan24 ‘n stuff are getting left in the dust because they’re not developing any social cred for themselves.
So it’s really in a guy’s best interest to make it known to the universe what he’s about and what he’s doing, business-wise and socially. It’s all out there for gals to look at and critique and decide if you feel like hooking up with this guy.
Knowlede Is Power! :D
What we have here is a sad attempt at player-dom by Mr. Toe Boy. Also bravo to sannyD for actually doing what everybody should do when playing the dating game and that’s listening to your instincts. So many people ignore that little voice and come to regret it.
i need help. this boy and i were together for maybe a month or so..but then he said he just wanted to be friends, and yeah, but then soon after that, we hit it up again. we messed around alot, if you know what i mean. but then his friend told me he had a girlfriend, and has had one for 4 weeks, while he was messing with me! idk what to do. i dont talk to him at all, but he tries to cover up the fact that he likes me i think. he lies to my friend all the time about texting me and shit, and then he doesnt want his friend to hangout with me and literally had his friend text me with him looking over his shoulder at what he said to me. idk if its jealously or something else. but then today his friend told me that he want interested in me anymore. but idk if its true, cuz he made several attempts to talk to me today. idk what to think, and i need some serious help.
Hi Emma. :)
I think the key takeaway for women from my blog is “Stop listening to what guys SAY and pay attention to what they DO!”. It’s altogether too easy to tell y’all ANYTHING and throw your game & perspective off.
Dudes will say “I just want to be friends with you”, “We’re in a relationship together”, “You’re the only one for me”, “I’m not seeing anyone else”, “I just got out of a bad relationship and I’m not ready for a new one”, “You’re too mature for me”, “You’re my girlfriend”, “I want to marry you”… It’s all bullshit. Just pay attention to what he does and how he treats you and make your decisions based on that.
The concept “Together for a month or so” seems to imply exclusivity. I realize that’s not what you said, but my point is that just because he was hooking up with you doesn’t mean he didn’t have other chicks the entire time. It makes perfect sense that any guy that CAN get multiple girls WILL get multiple girls until there’s a reason for him to select one and dismiss the others.
That “Looking over the shoulder at texts” sounds very stalkerish to me. :) The whole thing sounds like a conspiracy, haha.. Basically, you shouldn’t trust *ANY* males that are friends of his, because apparently “Bros Before Hoes” is in full effect, boyeeeee.
It’s like when girls are all out at a club together and they make up lies to pull their homegirls away from guys trying to rap to them. Dating is a team sport. You have to know which team someone’s on before you start taking their word for what’s happening in your relationship.
Personally, this sounds like a lot of game-playing from his side, which is probably not going to end up positively for you. Guys that are serious about a chick put in so much work to lie and cover their tracks (if there are any “tracks” to cover) that when you see a situation where a guy’s lackadaisical about their presentation and interaction with her, it usually means they don’t care very much and can “take her or leave her”. I just watched this show on MTV yesterday, where this dude was dating two chicks simultaneously and then one of them dumped him and then he goes to the other one and TELLS HER THAT THE OTHER CHICK DUMPED HIM! :D haha What an idiot. He basically said to her that he’s willing to kick it with her exclusively NOW that he has no more chicks other than her. You see how lame that looks?
All this game-playing and posturing and positioning in your case is the exact same thing. Dude’s letting you know he’s not willing to put in any effort to make a good showing, so it’s up to you whether you’re going to take that as “He likes me, but has a problem expressing his feelings” or “He doesn’t really care” and then make your decision from there. If you just want to hang out with him and have fun, the situation might work for you. If you’re looking for long-term stuff in the format of a relationship, I haven’t read anything that indicates to me that he’s even THINKING about you that way.
Good Luck! :D