Here are five quick tips on how to avoid getting your girl pregnant:
1) Don’t hit it… evAr
Yes. I know. This tip is useless, because you were only talking to her in the first place so you could have sex with her. I know. I know….
2) Time her cycle [Edit: Extended discussion/explanation @ "Don't Try The Rhythm Method". Basically, *ANY* technique for avoiding pregnancy that involves getting *ANY* liquid on a chick other than your saliva is *COMPLETELY* *RETARDED*!]
Relatively, there’s only a small window of time during which you can accidentally get your girl pregnant… I mean, ACTUALLY get your girl pregnant. According to
The American Pregnancy Association:
“During the time of ovulation, an egg is available to be fertilized for only about 12-24 hours. But since sperm can live in the body for 3-5 days and then the egg is available for one day, your most fertile time is considered to be about 5-7 days.”
Even if we stretch that to 10 days, you have another 20 days each month that you can do what you say, say what you mean and one thing won’t lead to another!
YOUR assignment, if you choose to accept it, is to figure out which week out of each month you need to regularly have one whole hell of a lot of headaches and late nights at the office! 
3) No Glove… No Love
Condoms don’t fail because the factory made them poorly. They fail because YOU didn’t put them on correctly. Make sure the condom fits. Make sure you leave space at the top for your… Happy Ending.
Here’s a tip. If the sex starts feeling “too good”, the condom probably broke or rolled off. STOP &#@$%G RIGHT NOW! and go get another condom.
4) Only screw chicks with career aspirations
Make sure you talk about careers early in your relationship with your girlfriend. If her chosen career path dictates that she can’t afford to take time off for maternity leave, you’re IN THERE!
Just don’t bungle the position by a) making her fall in love with you so she no longer cares about careers or money, or b) getting that big promotion that makes her feel like starting a family off of YOUR paycheck.
5) Hit it during her period [Edit: Revised. I didn't express myself properly here. I should have said "Hit it on THE FIRST DAY of her period" See the comments below or read "Don't Try The Rhythm Method" for clarification. Thanks to Kenya for bringing it up in the comments and thanks to other friends of mine for bringing it up IRL in the time since I initially made this post. 
]
Hey…. What goes up…. Must come down!
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and this is WHY i am a virgin
@Jill: That’s the ticket!
Women need to get hobbies or something, so they can stop thinking about sex all the time.
HAHAHAHA… Thanks Dr. Bill!!
@Ron: No problem man!
Of course, for someone who actually PLANS wonderful familes, such as yourself, do all the opposites of what I suggested and buy a bigger house!
In my experience, number 2 does not work;)
@Matt: lol I hear that man… #2 is NOT for the faint of heart!
A lot of guys also attempt the ill-advised “Pull-Out Method”. Unfortunately, that technique assumes zero emissions before T-Zero complete launch, so even if a guy exits successfully, he may already have dropped off enough runners to “win the race”!
You are a pig, but thats why I love you.
Let ‘em KNOW!
HAHAHA Thanks, S. I love you too!
*MUAHZ*
Always happy to see some fresh P-I-M-P Ology from Bill C.
Would like to amend 1) to read “Don’t hit it on a First Date EVAR” because you can just tell her you’re not interested in that on date #1. I’m generally anti 1 night stand (cause if someone’s worth it once, why the hell not twice, right?). And ain’t NO woman alive who will tell you she thinks there’s something *wrong* with that. This also lets you feel out how comfortable she is doing OTHER things with much lower pregnancy risk.
Holla.
Thanks for the addition, Dave!
That’s a good point to never hit it on the first date. Chicks are treacherous… You never know when they’re just looking for JimBrowSki!
Freezing them out on the first date… not EMOTIONALLY, but sexually can really help you figure out if she really likes you… for YOU!
LMAO!
A big EW on the last one though!
@Shey: I know, right? hahaha, but…
Business is Business!!!
18 years…
(18 years?)
She got one of your kids, got you for 18 YEARS!
SHE GIVE ME MOOOO-NEY!!!
Hey, i know a dude singing that 18 years thing for the next 16 BECAUSE he thought it was safe to hit while having the period!!! So..The only way to make sure is to trip her going down a flight of stairs. JUST KIDDING, JUST KIDDING!
Nothing is really safe unless she on the pill, you had you portal clipped to keep the swimmers docked, use a condom AND STILL pull out! and even then it takes but one swimmer with enough aspiration to jump from dock to launch pad, get through the latex and make a clear jump for it as u pull out (die hard style)! lol
@Frank: hahahaha Too Bad, So Sad for your boy!
See, the problem is that you have to know WHEN the chick started her period AND how long her period lasts. If you get on when she first starts ’spotting’, you’re good. There’s no way AT ALL that the sperm’s going to live until ovulation.
OTOH, if you get on at the END of her period, which might ALREADY be 7 days into her cycle, that’s just about the WORST time to hit it hahaha
Anyway… This shouldn’t be a concern, because everybody’s using those CONDOMS, RIGHT???
I already broke out “JimBrowSki”… Don’t MAKE me find “Go see the Doc-Turrrrrrrr”!
Number 2 is called the “rhythm method” and doesn’t work. Also, the menstrual cycle starts (Number 5) at the end of ovulation. So if the egg has not yet been expelled from the body through the menstrual cycle, the woman still has a chance of becoming pregnant.
The only thing here that has any chance of working is a combination of 3 and 4. Number 3 and 4 together because 4 alone doesn’t work and 3 alone won’t work with the wrong woman. If a woman wants to trap you, she will.
Thanks for your comments, as usual, Kenya.
I don’t know what you mean by “at the end of ovulation”, and I wouldn’t presume to tell you or ANY woman ANYTHING about menstrual cycles, hahaha
but what I’m talking about is outlined in wikipedia.
Regardless of what starts the cycle, the beginning of her “period” or menstrual phase marks what we’ll refer to for the sake of this discussion as “day 1″. [see the chart]. Ovulation occurs approximately on day 14, according to the same chart. No matter how you stack it, they’re roughly opposing each other every single month, like government checks.
What I’m saying is that if you… Well, first of all, the whole idea is STUPID!
If you don’t want to get a chick pregnant, either follow tip #1 and don’t hit it or use as many precautions as you can on your side AND hers to make the odds as slim as possible that an accident will occur. But what I didn’t clearly state, which Frank talks about in comment #13, and I’ll revise it right after I make this comment… Is I SHOULD have said “5) Hit it AT THE BEGINNING of her period”. Being that the FIRST DAY of her period is going to be nowhere near day 1 of her ovulation, you should be good.
The problem is that most guys aren’t aware of when their girl’s period starts because they’re not hitting it every day. If they were, they’d notice the distinct difference from going from zero blood to spotting.
The problem with not knowing when it started is that you don’t have an idea of when day 14 (or whenever she actually ovulates) is going to occur. This is how dudes get tripped up, because if her period lasts for seven days, they’re getting in with only a week to spare instead of two. Of course, this is actually the WORST time to get on, especially if she ovulates relatively early in her cycle.
I understand that since I didn’t properly go into depth on tip #5, you thought I was talking about The Rhythm Method. I’m not talking about calculating anything by counting backwards or assuming that a woman’s cycle is exactly 28 days. What I’m saying is… Assuming sperm can live for seven (7) days, if you hit it when she first spots, she’d have to ovulate around day 8, which is about 5 days away from the average of day 14. According to PubMed Central, in an article entitled The timing of the “fertile window” in the menstrual cycle: day specific estimates from a prospective study:
So, yeah… If your girl ovulates on day 8, that’s just your lousy luck!
Anyway… Like Kenya says… if you HAVE TO hit it at all, make sure you keep your CONDOM game tight and mess with chicks that aren’t tryinna have kids offa you in the first place!
Actually, I’m going to make this its own post. I don’t want it to just sit here lost in the comments.
Thanks again, Kenya
and please let me know if you still disagree with what I’m saying.
[...] “Kenya” made the following comment on my post “How To Avoid Pregnancy”. I actually had this discussion IRL yesterday, and felt I should clarify what I was talking about [...]
@Jill
same here!
… so I love “1) Don’t hit it… evAr”
its harder being a guy being subscribed to a blog like this
lol @ bill!
[...] hahahaha No, No, No, “A Woman’s Place” is NOT in the kitchen, and certainly GOD FORBID, PREGNANT! [...]
[...] To sidetrack for a second, it’s like sex. If you don’t want to get a chick pregnant, make sure you don’t spill any liquid on her. Similarly, if you want to maintain your integrity in a situation and live up to your own word to [...]
ah shit. and i thought this was to help ME to avoid pregnancy…
You Know… That’s a great idea!
I need to do the same post for the ladies! 
[...] Day to Prevent Teen Pregnancy. As the world-renowned DatingGenius (not to mention, the author of “How To Avoid Pregnancy” and “Don’t Try The Rhythm Method!”), I feel it’s my duty to inform you how to [...]
Pull out !)
hahaha I hope you mean “Pull Out Your Wallet” method, so you can pay child support!
That ish doesn’t work AT. ALL! 
i hear people say all the time that they have sex with there girl or guy because they love them.thats just bull.if you love someone you show it with feelings,gifts,dinner…i dont know,but why sex
if you want some action then dry hump and use masturbation,sounds kinda bold but its true.there are other ways to have fun..not just sex
I agree, Hans. Sex has nothing to do with love. It has to do with LUST. It has to do with physical desire and craving.
You can love a woman (or several women) and never have sex with her, because your love isn’t physically based. You can also have sex with a woman without loving her. Completely unrelated actions/sentiments.
I would add “find out her opinions on abortion”
Actually, Dollface… A woman’s opinions on abortion are entirely worthless BEFORE the exact instant where she BELIEVES she MIGHT be pregnant.
There’s a vast difference between the hypothetical and the possible. A woman who says what she’s going to do or not going to do when she’s not currently IN that situation is incredible (not credible).
It’s like if you’re hanging out with a guy and you see a fine chick and he talks all this yang about what he’d do to her if he had the chance, and then when his girl’s around, he’s STFU and acting like he never looked at or saw the girl he was drooling over. It’s all well and good, so long as he’s not going to get caught and lose his girlfriend over messing with the new chick, so what he has to say when she’s not around isn’t credible.
So.. In Reality.. “Finding out her opinions on abortion” is a horrible idea. Don’t bother. Assume she’s going to keep it IF you screw up and get her pregnant and Act. As. If.