How To Avoid Pregnancy

Here are five quick tips on how to avoid getting your girl pregnant:

1) Don’t hit it… evAr

Yes. I know. This tip is useless, because you were only talking to her in the first place so you could have sex with her. I know. I know….

2) Time her cycle [Edit: Extended discussion/explanation @ “Don’t Try The Rhythm Method”. Basically, *ANY* technique for avoiding pregnancy that involves getting *ANY* liquid on a chick other than your saliva is *COMPLETELY* *RETARDED*!]

Relatively, there’s only a small window of time during which you can accidentally get your girl pregnant… I mean, ACTUALLY get your girl pregnant. According to
The American Pregnancy Association:

“During the time of ovulation, an egg is available to be fertilized for only about 12-24 hours. But since sperm can live in the body for 3-5 days and then the egg is available for one day, your most fertile time is considered to be about 5-7 days.”

Even if we stretch that to 10 days, you have another 20 days each month that you can do what you say, say what you mean and one thing won’t lead to another!

YOUR assignment, if you choose to accept it, is to figure out which week out of each month you need to regularly have one whole hell of a lot of headaches and late nights at the office! πŸ˜€

3) No Glove… No Love

Condoms don’t fail because the factory made them poorly. They fail because YOU didn’t put them on correctly. Make sure the condom fits. Make sure you leave space at the top for your… Happy Ending.

Here’s a tip. If the sex starts feeling “too good”, the condom probably broke or rolled off. STOP &#@$%G RIGHT NOW! and go get another condom.

4) Only screw chicks with career aspirations

Make sure you talk about careers early in your relationship with your girlfriend. If her chosen career path dictates that she can’t afford to take time off for maternity leave, you’re IN THERE! πŸ˜€

Just don’t bungle the position by a) making her fall in love with you so she no longer cares about careers or money, or b) getting that big promotion that makes her feel like starting a family off of YOUR paycheck.

5) Hit it during her period [Edit: Revised. I didn’t express myself properly here. I should have said “Hit it on THE FIRST DAY of her period” See the comments below or read “Don’t Try The Rhythm Method” for clarification. Thanks to Kenya for bringing it up in the comments and thanks to other friends of mine for bringing it up IRL in the time since I initially made this post. πŸ™‚ ]

Hey…. What goes up…. Must come down! πŸ˜€


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      1. lolol I’m not the one pretending. I think I type “Guys are only talking to you so they can get laid” in every single dating post I ever write! πŸ˜€

        “Ain’t No Mystery” to ME! It’s a mystery to women, who keep falling for the same rudimentary tactics every year and never get any smarter about the game.

  1. @Ron: No problem man! πŸ˜€

    Of course, for someone who actually PLANS wonderful familes, such as yourself, do all the opposites of what I suggested and buy a bigger house! πŸ˜€

  2. @Matt: lol I hear that man… #2 is NOT for the faint of heart! πŸ˜€

    A lot of guys also attempt the ill-advised “Pull-Out Method”. Unfortunately, that technique assumes zero emissions before T-Zero complete launch, so even if a guy exits successfully, he may already have dropped off enough runners to “win the race”! πŸ˜€

  3. Always happy to see some fresh P-I-M-P Ology from Bill C.

    Would like to amend 1) to read “Don’t hit it on a First Date EVAR” because you can just tell her you’re not interested in that on date #1. I’m generally anti 1 night stand (cause if someone’s worth it once, why the hell not twice, right?). And ain’t NO woman alive who will tell you she thinks there’s something *wrong* with that. This also lets you feel out how comfortable she is doing OTHER things with much lower pregnancy risk.


  4. Thanks for the addition, Dave! πŸ˜€

    That’s a good point to never hit it on the first date. Chicks are treacherous… You never know when they’re just looking for JimBrowSki!

    Freezing them out on the first date… not EMOTIONALLY, but sexually can really help you figure out if she really likes you… for YOU! πŸ˜€

  5. Hey, i know a dude singing that 18 years thing for the next 16 BECAUSE he thought it was safe to hit while having the period!!! So..The only way to make sure is to trip her going down a flight of stairs. JUST KIDDING, JUST KIDDING!
    Nothing is really safe unless she on the pill, you had you portal clipped to keep the swimmers docked, use a condom AND STILL pull out! and even then it takes but one swimmer with enough aspiration to jump from dock to launch pad, get through the latex and make a clear jump for it as u pull out (die hard style)! lol πŸ™‚

  6. @Frank: hahahaha Too Bad, So Sad for your boy! πŸ˜€

    See, the problem is that you have to know WHEN the chick started her period AND how long her period lasts. If you get on when she first starts ‘spotting’, you’re good. There’s no way AT ALL that the sperm’s going to live until ovulation.

    OTOH, if you get on at the END of her period, which might ALREADY be 7 days into her cycle, that’s just about the WORST time to hit it hahaha πŸ˜€

    Anyway… This shouldn’t be a concern, because everybody’s using those CONDOMS, RIGHT???

    I already broke out “JimBrowSki”… Don’t MAKE me find “Go see the Doc-Turrrrrrrr”! πŸ˜€

  7. Number 2 is called the “rhythm method” and doesn’t work. Also, the menstrual cycle starts (Number 5) at the end of ovulation. So if the egg has not yet been expelled from the body through the menstrual cycle, the woman still has a chance of becoming pregnant.

    The only thing here that has any chance of working is a combination of 3 and 4. Number 3 and 4 together because 4 alone doesn’t work and 3 alone won’t work with the wrong woman. If a woman wants to trap you, she will.

  8. Thanks for your comments, as usual, Kenya. πŸ™‚

    I don’t know what you mean by “at the end of ovulation”, and I wouldn’t presume to tell you or ANY woman ANYTHING about menstrual cycles, hahaha πŸ™‚ but what I’m talking about is outlined in wikipedia.

    Regardless of what starts the cycle, the beginning of her “period” or menstrual phase marks what we’ll refer to for the sake of this discussion as “day 1”. [see the chart]. Ovulation occurs approximately on day 14, according to the same chart. No matter how you stack it, they’re roughly opposing each other every single month, like government checks.

    What I’m saying is that if you… Well, first of all, the whole idea is STUPID! πŸ˜€ If you don’t want to get a chick pregnant, either follow tip #1 and don’t hit it or use as many precautions as you can on your side AND hers to make the odds as slim as possible that an accident will occur. But what I didn’t clearly state, which Frank talks about in comment #13, and I’ll revise it right after I make this comment… Is I SHOULD have said “5) Hit it AT THE BEGINNING of her period”. Being that the FIRST DAY of her period is going to be nowhere near day 1 of her ovulation, you should be good.

    The problem is that most guys aren’t aware of when their girl’s period starts because they’re not hitting it every day. If they were, they’d notice the distinct difference from going from zero blood to spotting.

    The problem with not knowing when it started is that you don’t have an idea of when day 14 (or whenever she actually ovulates) is going to occur. This is how dudes get tripped up, because if her period lasts for seven days, they’re getting in with only a week to spare instead of two. Of course, this is actually the WORST time to get on, especially if she ovulates relatively early in her cycle.

    I understand that since I didn’t properly go into depth on tip #5, you thought I was talking about The Rhythm Method. I’m not talking about calculating anything by counting backwards or assuming that a woman’s cycle is exactly 28 days. What I’m saying is… Assuming sperm can live for seven (7) days, if you hit it when she first spots, she’d have to ovulate around day 8, which is about 5 days away from the average of day 14. According to PubMed Central, in an article entitled The timing of the Ò€œfertile windowÒ€ in the menstrual cycle: day specific estimates from a prospective study:

    “Early ovulation has sometimes been thought to signal a less fertile cycle. For example, some authorities state that a cycle is seldom fertile when ovulation occurs before day 13 of the menstrual cycle.14 We found no evidence of this. Indeed, the earliest ovulation in our study (cycle day 8) produced a healthy infant.”

    So, yeah… If your girl ovulates on day 8, that’s just your lousy luck! πŸ˜€

    Anyway… Like Kenya says… if you HAVE TO hit it at all, make sure you keep your CONDOM game tight and mess with chicks that aren’t tryinna have kids offa you in the first place! πŸ˜€

    Actually, I’m going to make this its own post. I don’t want it to just sit here lost in the comments.

    Thanks again, Kenya πŸ™‚ and please let me know if you still disagree with what I’m saying.

  9. @Jill
    same here!

    … so I love “1) DonÒ€ℒt hit itÒ€¦ evAr”

    its harder being a guy being subscribed to a blog like this πŸ™ lol @ bill!

  10. i hear people say all the time that they have sex with there girl or guy because they love them.thats just bull.if you love someone you show it with feelings,gifts,dinner…i dont know,but why sex
    if you want some action then dry hump and use masturbation,sounds kinda bold but its true.there are other ways to have fun..not just sex

    1. I agree, Hans. Sex has nothing to do with love. It has to do with LUST. It has to do with physical desire and craving.

      You can love a woman (or several women) and never have sex with her, because your love isn’t physically based. You can also have sex with a woman without loving her. Completely unrelated actions/sentiments.

    1. Actually, Dollface… A woman’s opinions on abortion are entirely worthless BEFORE the exact instant where she BELIEVES she MIGHT be pregnant.

      There’s a vast difference between the hypothetical and the possible. A woman who says what she’s going to do or not going to do when she’s not currently IN that situation is incredible (not credible).

      It’s like if you’re hanging out with a guy and you see a fine chick and he talks all this yang about what he’d do to her if he had the chance, and then when his girl’s around, he’s STFU and acting like he never looked at or saw the girl he was drooling over. It’s all well and good, so long as he’s not going to get caught and lose his girlfriend over messing with the new chick, so what he has to say when she’s not around isn’t credible.

      So.. In Reality.. “Finding out her opinions on abortion” is a horrible idea. Don’t bother. Assume she’s going to keep it IF you screw up and get her pregnant and Act. As. If.

  11. Bill, I really need your help on this one. I don’t understand what you guys mean bout first day or day 8 or whatever.
    My girl just finished her menstruation two days ago (meaning, blood doesnt come out from there n0 m0re) i hit her today, two days after her menstruation finishes. What’s the probability that she will get pregnant? I’m really scared rite now

    1. Hey Pr0tege. Good Luck with this…

      Peep this chart from Maybe Baby:

      Here’s the problem. Day 01 is all the way at the top. In general, that’s when she starts bleeding… except she might not be actually bleeding, but rather spotting (light specks of blood.. not yet a flow). She’ll finish with all that sometime during the next several days… Might be three days, might be nine? Dunno. It varies. Unfortunately, it’s going to be your job to figure out how long that occurs.

      The reason YOU need to know this is because this chart represents an “average” cycle. As far as I know, chicks GENERALLY ovulate around day 14, but that could vary as well. You see where this is going… If she ovulates before day 14, and she stops bleeding around day 7-9, you’re going to land right in that HOT ZONE that’s labeled in pink.

      The problem with being in the zone is that sperm doesn’t just disappear. It hangs out in there for a few days (of course, I’m assuming by your concerns that you didn’t happen to use a condom). That’s why the zone starts BEFORE the actual date of her ovulation. If you get it in there a couple of days ahead, there’s a chance they’ll still be swimming around in there when the zone goes bright red = CHANCE of pregnancy.

      It’s not definite. There are lots of people who ATTEMPT to get their women pregnant by using timing like this and still don’t succeed. However, depending on what day in her cycle she finished bleeding compared to the day in her cycle she actually ovulates, you basically picked the *worst* time to drop it in there.

      For Your Information… The reason the zone goes back to pink after ovulation is that if you find out that her day is the 14th, for instance, and you hit it on the 15th, there’s still a chance that you could get her pregnant if the sperm hustles into position right quick.

      So, my advice to you is a) Call or visit your local Planned Parenthood to have a professional there inform you what you and your girl’s options are. Especially if you’re within 72 hours of the drop, there are options… b) Use condoms properly, not only in an attempt to save your own life or remain healthy, but so you don’t have to worry about stuff like this for the next 20 days as you PRAY that she gets her next period… and c) If you’ve just GOT to hit it without, for some odd reason, figure out what her cycle is and find other sex stuff to do with her from about three days after she first starts spotting until about 15 DAYS AFTER THAT DAY.

      That STILL might not help you if she ovulates later in her cycle than the 14th. You might jump back in at the wrong time, like double-dutch. Also, if she ovulates crazy early, like around day 8, you’re in bad shape just about as soon as she starts bleeding, so condoms are probably your best bet…. A 3-pack costs less than your kid’s college tuition.

      A side note is that this style will only benefit you if your girl is HONEST with you about when she starts bleeding. If you mess with her every day, then you’re going to know, because it’s going to be obvious. If you take her word for when her period started or ended, you might easily get caught slippin’.

      Good Luck!

  12. Of course all the above might be worthless if PrOteges girl is one of the many who have irregular cycles. If you are still in that 2-4 day period it can be taken care of with some residual side effects in terms of cramping and minor/major discomfort to her. Otherwise if the two of you are choosing to play lets pretend this didnt happen, right now I would say take that 6 bucks you should have spent on condoms and add a few more, go get an early warning test (if you dont want to go the route of a doctor and want to keep quiet) and “see” whats good in about 3 weeks. (I call it warning test because if you wait too long, you will get a serious warning as to the changes that are about to happen). PrOtege, u might wind up wit ya own protege to speak off!

    Fellas: Yes I understand that hittin’ that joint RAW is the shyyyyyt BUT being broke for the next 18 years is shit! You want that next to nothing feeling… POLYURETHANE!!! Pretend you have a latex allergy, (please have a way of getting money) spend anywhere from 15 to 20 dollars (depending on how many in the box) and get to tappin’! The THIN material allows for the bodies natural heat to be felt by both and you almost feel like thats her actually wetting on you! Thats 15 bucks for a pack of 6 (store/off brands not recommended at this point) as opposed to $18 for a can of Similac EVERY 3 days!

    1. Yeah, For Real, hahaha… For ALL the fellaz… Your best bet is to err on the side of paranoia and do what you have to do in order to not leave the ball in her court.

      I’ve seen too many dudes with no money get girls with NO MONEY pregnant, and it’s a big mess and a downhill spiral. The chick can’t work because you can’t afford daycare. You’re all of a sudden responsible for THREE people eating, instead of one. HOPEFULLY, you already have your education by the time the error occurs, or you might have to go that minimum wage route…

      Besides all the potential consequences & repercussions, it’s just plain STRESSFUL, haha.. Frank’s talkin’ ’bout waiting THREE WEEKS? hahaha That’ll be the longest three weeks of your entire life. It’s just not worth it. Invest in the condoms before she “Bernie Madoff”s your ass and you end up looking like

  13. Although funny but true…last night on TBS the Seinfeld episode came on where Jerry and Elaine tried to have sex and no commitment and it didn’t work…it never works. I agree with #4 whole heartily…try and get someone who wants to be an actress…that’s a winner. *downside: most of them are mental patients from what I see.

    1. frlz, man haha Damned if you do and Damned if you don’t! πŸ˜€

      You pretty much have to take your chances and attempt to select the lesser of the evils. In the long run, it’s better to end up with a sane chick and a kid instead of ending up with some lunatic female and no kid! πŸ˜€

    1. hahahahaha Oh man. I’m going to have to make that a blog post! πŸ˜€ Great Suggestion! πŸ˜€

      Basically, there’s no male birth control pill because nobody’s trying to avoid pregnancy.. They’re trying to avoid UNWANTED pregnancy. The goal is to block CERTAIN chicks from being able to have your kids without blocking ALL chicks.

      The whole biological goal of males is to spread our seed and create viable offspring for the next generation. Having a male birth control pill is like ????? πŸ˜€

      1. I can kinda see where you coming from but it should at least be an option i mean you don’t wake up one morning and just decide you want kids right??? i mean medically speaking a male birth control pill is relatively easier to make than a female one has less side effects and actually the product has been developed as in the drug already exists in some form.

        Imagine the possibilities……

  14. As a woman (a #4 chick) I am both amused and impressed by this discussion and Bill’s knowledge. Shoot, you even taught me something! No need to wonder because I’ll be tracking and letting you know. Baby-daddy-drama is no better than baby-mamma-drama or even worse, baby-daddy’s-new baby-mamma. lol! Now I understand why so many men are OB-GYNs… lol… they got the timing down and if not they can write her an Rx right then and there. lol

    1. haha Thanks, Callie. πŸ˜€

      The problem is that dudes think it’s all fun & games to get laid, and they don’t realize that if that sperm gets loose, all of a sudden, they have ZERO CONTROL over whether the chick decides to have the kid or not.

      Yeah, This post is mainly a joke, hehe, but the point is that guys have to ACTIVELY avoid pregnancy.

      Expecting the chick to do it is a definite recipe for disaster.

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