Ladies: Why He Won’t Call You His Girlfriend

Besides smileys in text messages, bright colors, shiny objects and shoes (not necessarily in that order), women LOVE titles. 😀 If they mess with a guy long enough, they’re going to want to define their relationship with some kind of word, such as “girlfriend” or “fiancee” or “wife”, etc.

As ‘bad’ as it is for her when her guy won’t tell HER they’re together, it gets even worse in public. When they meet people, he either doesn’t introduce her at all or just says her first name, like any other common friend. The question’s always “Why won’t he tell anyone that we’re dating? 🙁 “. So, ladies… Here are a few potential reasons why your guy won’t claim you as his girlfriend…..

1) Because you’re NOT

Let’s start from the start. 🙂 The way the game works is the guy tries to get laid and you tell him what he’s going to have to trade you for the sex. In some cases, that’s a relationship. A guy has two choices… nod, and go along with whatever you said and get some… or refuse to say he’s working towards a relationship with you and get nothing. Odds are that he’s going to say some variation of “we’re dating” in order to get you to lay down and do the right thing. What this MEANS, however… is


Nothing at all. He might be “dating” six of y’all and none of y’all know about the others. So what happens is, while you’re waiting for him to give you a title, he’s having his cake and eating it too. This is why he looks all surprised and caught off guard when you say “Where are we going?” or “What are we to each other?”. He’s scrambling to think of something to say other than “You’re one of the chicks I enjoy having sex with”.

2) He already HAS a wife or girlfriend

This SEEMS to be the same as #1, but it’s worse. 🙂 If you’re one of several chicks that he’s “seeing” 😉 , you still have a percentage chance of being the cream that rises to the top. If he already has a woman in the top slot that he never told you about, you can forget about picket fences and two-car garages. If you think this might describe YOUR relationship, go read “Ladies: How To Tell He Has A Girlfriend”.

3) Because he doesn’t have to

How do they say… “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”… or was that “Why buy the chicken when you can get the eggs for free?”… Anyway… You get the picture. 🙂 If he’s already tapping that, you have ZERO leverage to barter for a promotion. If you can figure out how HE’S going to benefit by calling you his girlfriend, then go for it! 😀

Of course, you could always call a sex boycott or embargo, except that’s when you might find out he has more chicks than you “in the pocket”.

4) He doesn’t want to scare off other chicks

Some women have an inability to stick to the facts. When you see a chick you like and ask them “Who’s that?”, they respond “Oh… She has a boyfriend”. Then they stand there as if they adequately responded to your query while you’re thinking “YOU #&(@&%*$ IDIOT! I DIDN’T *ASK* YOU THAT! 🙁 “.

This situation affects guys in exactly the same way. If a guy’s homegirl has a friend who likes him and she asks about the guy, the response she’ll receive is “Oh… He has a girlfriend”, and his game goes down the drain.

In order to avoid this and maximize one’s options… It’s best not to claim any chicks at all so people can MIND THEIR OWN BUSINESS and stick to the facts when a chick’s tryinna meet a brotha. 😀

5) He’s embarrassed about how you look

Oftentimes… A guy’s standards for a gal he’ll have sex with are LOWER than his standards for a gal he’ll be SEEN with. The fact that he’ll tap that doesn’t mean he’ll go anywhere with you in public… God Forbid being immortalized in pictures with you, EVAR. Even if he’s willing to go out in public with you, it doesn’t mean he’s willing to admit to the depth of your relationship.

Guys are competitive. We all want to be fly and have sex with the hottest chicks. Unfortunately, 😀 reality doesn’t always match up to fantasy, and a brothaz gotsta DOOOO what a brothaz gotsta DOO! 😀 Nobody wants to be labeled a “Chubby Chaser” or whatever they call guys that like “Butch” females or whatever other fetishes are going on these days. So while he might very well enjoy hooking up with you behind closed doors, he’s not too likely to admit it to the fellaz and ESPECIALLY not likely to claim you as his exclusive girl.

6) Because his boy already tapped that

For some reason that I’ll most likely NEVER understand, 🙂 women just about universally refuse to believe that guys they have sex with don’t tell their close male friends.

Basically, ladies… You can assume a 16-hour window of privacy… assuming the guy fell asleep for a full 8 hours after he tapped that. The best you can hope for is “Yeah. I hit it”. The worst case… well the WORST case is videotape… but the worst case, normally, is a detailed description of WHERE he hit it (indoors, outdoors, on what furniture/appliance…), WHAT position you were in and HOW MUCH you enjoyed each position.

This being the case… if you insist on dating guys that know each other, they come to the table (dryer, washing machine…) knowing what they can get from you and how much they need to do to get it.

Another unfortunate residual from guys’ competitive nature is that in the case of a chick that several guys have messed with, YOU don’t want to be the one that gets sprung on “Community Property”. Some guys grow out of this and some guys are just glad to be with ANY chick that will give them some at the drop of a hat, so exceptions are made and guys endure the ridicule, funny looks and snide remarks.

For the most part, though… And I’ll NEVER understand this one either… Most guys like to feel that they got their girl “fresh out the box”. It’s part of the competition thing. They like to feel special as if they were the only ones their girl gave it up to. So, for this reason, if you’re currently dating a friend of a guy who already tapped that, and God Forbid… SEVERAL guys that already tapped that, you might have to forget about being claimed as an actual girlfriend and choose a more likely achievement, such as winning the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes.


Join the Conversation


  1. Let ’em know.

    Question, how are you the “Dating Genuis” when I haven’t seen you date a girl the entire time I’ve known you? 😉

  2. quick note:
    If ya tapped one or more of the buds, not only will you NOT everEverEVER be the girlfriend BUT you aren’t even a girl who happens to be a friend. You the group slide!! Unfair? Unreasoanble? Probably! The only way to ever recover from this is to make the group Alpha Male the last conquest. The top dog is the only one who could bring you back from the abyss but honestly, if he is the top dog no need for a girlfriend so u might fail there as well.
    BTW: if you intro’d me as your bf before letting me know, i’ll probably be still refering to u as my “friend” months later. the same way it is insensitive of me to do so, it was more so when you left me searching for words when your friends asked “is this ur new boyfriend” and you said “yes”.

  3. @Frank: Two more excellent and relevant points. 🙂 Oh Man! “Not even a girl who happens to be a friend”! hahaha Damn.

    That’s really a great recovery prospect, bagging the Alpha Male and getting him to vouch for her that she’s turned over a new leaf. Who’s going to argue with him? I mean, until she gets caught with the next man. 😀 However, IME, the Alpha prolly tapped it FIRST anyway. If he wasn’t the one that got her first, he “passed” and one of his boys tagged up first. So it’s really not very likely (as you mentioned) that a chick would be able to pull this off.

    And that other thing, about her going ahead and using titles she wasn’t given? No dice. 😀 That could DEFINITELY lead to problems in one’s social circle, and might actually be grounds for dismissal… depending of course, how SPRUNG the dude is on “that thang”! 😉

  4. Number five made me chuckle a good one and then number six made me loose it :). I’ve got a personal experience with both that are very memorable, that I wish were forgettable.

    Also would like to add:
    7) He’s gay, deal with it.

    Likely that hot guy who wears the really nice close and takes care of his skin better than you do doesn’t deliver his goods to chickadees. All us metrosexuals look up to them for advice and style points (let’s face it) and hate that they normally get more hot chick attention then straight guys. If you’re really hot, this won’t change anything. PLEASE move on and stop trying to change a guy!

    … Also personal experience with a friend. The chick was determined to sleep with him, did, then though he’d go straight. Amusing and awkward to hear about in a 16 hour window :).

  5. @Nuno: hahaha I’m entertained that you’re entertained! 😀

    Your #7 addition works perfectly if a gal’s just meeting a guy or doesn’t know anything about him yet, haha 😀 I was aiming towards people in active relationships, though, so that one never crossed my mind.

    The reason I posted was that I’m always hearing about dating situations that have CLEARLY gotten as “serious” as they’re going to, and while the guy’s enjoying himself and getting laid, the girl’s trying to figure out how to get to the next phase… or even get him to SAY they’re at the next phase.

    Meanwhile, the guy knows that the higher rank he gives her, the tougher it’s gonna be on HER when he breaks up with her, so he just avoids the conversation until he’s ready to say “I need some space” or “It’s not you… it’s me”… *YAWN* 😀

    1. Not exactly, I “dated” a guy exclusively for about 2 months… it was always a struggle but I thought he was shy. He finally ended it after a few things I did for attention went totally wrong, and only after did puzzle pieces start falling into place. It wasn’t that he wasn’t into ME – it was that he wasn’t into GIRLS in general, he just didn’t want to admit that at the time! So – quite honestly – he could be gay but not ready to come out & is using you as a sort of crutch to try to convince himself he’s straight since he hasn’t come to terms with it yet. I like #7. 🙂

      1. Hey Gette. Thanks for the comment. 😀

        I think you have a good point there, that in general, sometimes people date people for reasons OTHER THAN being physically attracted to them and wanting to be in a relationship with them. Some people claim BF/GF status to use the other person’s money, food, sex, place of residence, friends, contacts, fame, whatever.

        In the specific case you bring up, It’s not just a crutch to prove something to HIMSELF, but as you see all over the news lately (if you live in the USA), there’s a campaign against bullying going on. It’s sometimes more important to convince OTHER PEOPLE what you are or aren’t than it is to convince yourself if you don’t want to go through hassles every day.

  6. Where are the women out there who simply enjoy sex in much the same way described here? Am I the only one who likes to have some just for the fun of it while I’m out there looking for Mr. Right? I am here to say that women like it just for fun, too!!!!! And will I lie (or perhaps omit facts) about a few things when I meet someone who might be Mr. Right? What do you think?

  7. This post was hysterical!!!
    I some how stumbled upon it…
    I pose this question however:
    Let me not sound full of myself, however it may sounds so…I know I look good there’s no doubt about that. I’ve been dating a certain someone for 6 months now. all in all everythings great and is probably one of the most relaxed “relationships” I’ve ever been in. If anything I play the male role in this “relationship” for the fact that I want/ could have sex all the time..I’m never denied it however there has been countless times where I must initiate. So trust me he gets it PLENTY & hes not complaining. Of course he had to work for it in the beginning i wasn’t about to fork it out front & center..I know how that game is played. We also live in a small town so theres no possible way he could be having someone on the side without me finding out about it…everyone else sees us as girlfriend and boyfriend. “together” ..a “relationship”…i feel as if it is so as well, except him. I’m his girlfriend. But not his “girlfriend” and the only difference to him of course is him saying it. Even though we clearly act like it alone and in public.
    So I believe that rules out :
    Giving it up first thing since, well lets be honest after the 8th or so date i had to crawl ontop of him and ask for a little lovin’…i think he was trying to be a gentlemen.
    hes not seeing someone on the side & isnt getting it from else where nor does he have a wife or girlfriend.
    I look good. So we can nix the part about hes embarrassed to be seen with me. His ego/ standards are so big he couldn’t afford to be gettin with someone with less than perfect looks. (hahaha not trying to sound conceited)
    Hes already done and scared of the chicks way back when/ and continues to openly do so.
    And no none of his boys have tapped that, for the fact that i don’t sleep around.
    So then whats the deal? boycott some sex or what?!

  8. @Kristin: Sorry I’m responding to your post so late. I didn’t get the notification and only noticed your reply because of coming to see Veronica’s reply.

    The women who simply enjoy sex are busy enjoying their lives. 😀 The women out to have fun ARE the women having fun. It’s the women who are trying to maintain relationships without any true leverage that do the most internet posting. It’s kind of the “squeaky wheel gets the oil” situation.

    Women who are doing THEIR thing don’t need plans and rules. They see what they want and go for it.

  9. Hey Veronica. Thanks for the props and the comments! 😀

    Also, congratulations on your looks. You sound like you’re HOLDIN’ IT DOWN! hahaha Just make sure you stay in that GYM, to make sure you look fly as long as possible! 😉

    Based on what you wrote, assuming you have a firm grasp of reality, you might be able to chalk your BF’s way of being up to DENIAL. 😀 I’ve said a million times that if somehow (THANK GOD!) I had been forced to live in the sticks, I would have been married by now, because there just isn’t enough selection to justify a plan other than meeting the best girl you can get and “locking her down”. According to what you said, he’s at the top of his game right now, so it’s time for him to retire (settle down).

    First of all, I wouldn’t recommend a “sex embargo” unless you’re willing to accept the possibility that he might dump you for “lack of utility”. There’s no point in dating the top chick in the county if you can’t tap that. Move on down the line to the next contestant that’s “down for the cause”. 😀

    It’s possible that he’s just trying to maintain his own sense of autonomy. If he can avoid calling you his girlfriend and still “get the milk for free without buying the cow”, he’ll do that.

    Another possibility is that he’s not seeing you as a long-term girlfriend. Yeah, you’re his girl right now, but maybe he’s planning to go to college (don’t know how old y’all are) in another area or get a job in another area. If he does that and doesn’t take you with him, that’s that.

    As strange as it sounds, hahaha My suggestion to you is to have a sit-down with him and ask him STRAIGHT-UP why he won’t verbalize the reality of your current relationship. If he doesn’t have a good excuse, let him know that it’s bugging you and it’s something you wish y’all could resolve.

    This gives him two chances to do the right thing. 🙂 He can either do the right thing by giving up the ghost, since he doesn’t have a good reason not to, OR he can do the right thing because it would make you feel better, and he’s supposed to care about you feeling good, right?

    Good Luck! 😀

  10. Kristen: I actually have a femail friend who has been with (at the very least) 35 partners and she GETZ way more respect and consideration than the one who has only been with 4. Why? Simple! My friend can (when single) see a dude in a bar/club/street/etc and simply say “ima hit dat!” I can appreciate a WOMAN who can admit they like to F*CK TOO! My other friend, only for guys in her past and all under the banner of boyfriend. She is the type to commit to a commitment just to justify the sex and not be considered a “hoe”. I love her to death but gets no respect for her interpretation of what a hoe is.

    Veronica: so he still hasn’t called you his girlfriend? hmmmm… Sounds like a normal man to me. Its called options! Many men (and I have been guilty as any) will sometimes have the perfect girl right in front of them BUT we like to keep our options open in case the better looking, freakier girl comes along! Its sad but true. You could very well be everything he has ever envisioned in a partner, he is probably waiting for the tight bodied 18 year old who could trump your qualifications! You get up on him and initiate, you are perfect but theres probably some one out there who will do the same and invite her just as hot BFF into the mix. OPTIONS!. He might just be waiting! 🙂

  11. @Frank: Important point. A lot of women think that because the hook up with guys under the umbrella of “a relationship” that they won’t be considered hoes for being serial monogamists. The problem is that the judgements (fair or unfair) will come from numbers of guys in whatever period of time.

    It’s also true that the way a woman carries herself makes a difference. If she has a powerful personality, and she’s choosing, she could get dap, but when a woman is just perceived as “easy”, that tends to get around pretty quickly, and like they say in the cartoons, her name is mud.

  12. Bill, searched for “commitment issues” on Google and somehow found your site. I couldn’t have read this at a better time. I have been dating/FWB with this man for nearly 2 years. We at first had fun, then dated, then broke up, then were FWB, then slowly merged into dating again (He started taking me out places again, introduced me to his friends for the first time, told me liked me and wanted to be with me), broke up again just a week ago, and now, we’re casual again, I guess.

    I just don’t understand him at all. It’s like the moment he starts getting close to me, he freaks out and pulls away and uses his job as an excuse. The first time he broke up with me, he said his job took up too much of his time, I deserve better, etc. and this is just as we were getting close! This last time he broke up with me, he said the exact same words. I mean, this last time was the closest we ever got to becoming a real couple… he had never admitted he liked me and wanted to be with me, nor showed me off to his friends before! I know I shouldn’t have agreed to being casual again, since most likely, we’ll continue down the same path we were on before and slowly merge into dating again and then he’ll freak out. I don’t know what to do. I’m so utterly confused! 🙂 And, he has the nerve to ask me what I’m wearing when I go out and if I’m planning to meet other men?? He’s probably joking..but seriously..why would he even ask something like that? Argh. I will never understand. 😛

    1. Hey Tara 🙂

      There are a bunch of potential reasons why this is happening, including (but not limited to):

      1. 1) He’s BF/GF with you until he meets a girl he likes having sex with more than you, then breaks it off with you and comes back when it doesn’t work out with her.
      2. 2) He’s reserving you like a library book by claiming to escalate the level of y’all’s relationship and then backing out and starting all over because he has no intention of ever being anything more than FB/FWB with you.
      3. 3) He’s honestly confused about what he wants and is dragging you through the mire of his wishy-washy behavior.
      4. 4) Depending on how much time is elapsing between breakups, he may be “seasonal”. Personally, I like having set chicks to spend time with during the cold weather, because I just don’t feel like putting in the work of traveling around in the cold meeting new chicks. Once summer comes around, it’s ON and POPPIN’ and I could care less about having a steady chick around. If he experiences phases similar to mine, there are going to be times when he REALLY wants you around and times when he can’t actually be bothered.

      Either way, “You deserve better” is a common ploy of breaking up with you “for your own good”. He appears to be doing you a favor and looking out for your best interests, however, unless YOU expressed to him that you weren’t getting enough time from him, he’s making ish up out of thin air and he just isn’t willing to say that he’s not feelin’ you like a girlfriend/fiancee/wife/whatever.

      As far as your agreeing to be casual AGAIN, that’s on you. There’s no “should” or “shouldn’t”. You decided that you were cool with that, so that’s how the cookie crumbled. Your only other option was to NOT be casual with him anymore and probably not have him involved in your life AT. ALL. Look what happened to Rihanna. She got jacked up, but she knows where her bread is buttered. People can say she “SHOULD” have left Chris Brown until the cows come home, and she’s still going to do what SHE feels is going to give her the life that SHE wants to live. Capisce? 😀

      Of course he wants to know what you’re wearing, because he wants to assess the possibility that the next man is going to find you attractive and scoop you up so he can’t put you through the wash cycle again. A lot of guys play games with chicks until it’s too late and they can’t get them back. It’s kind of like Musical Chairs. Dude doesn’t want to find out that he thought he had you on smash and then the next man sat down in his seat when the music ended and he LOST!

      Overall, you have to find out what this guy’s goal in life is. Does he want kids? Does he want a family? Does he want a wife? Does he intend to settle down, evAr?… If not, get used to the cycle. If so, it’s gonna be on you to figure out why he keeps backing off of you instead of taking y’all’s relationship to “higher” levels.

      Good Luck! 😀

  13. Wow, thanks Bill for the thorough advice! I honestly think it’s a combination of mostly #2 and #3, but who knows. I would hope he’s not doing #1 because I had a health scare (nothing serious after tests, luckily) at the doctor, which scared us, and maybe brought out the truth about how many women he’s been with- the number was shortened by 4, haha! Of course, I didn’t tell him I noticed that though..

    It just really upsets me because before he “broke up” with me, I went out with his friends, and they were all really nice and accepting of me. That was the first time I had met anyone in nearly 2 years of dating! One good friend said she had known about me for a long time, heard nice things, and was glad to finally meet me, and her boyfriend was introducing me to their friends all night. His roommate/best friend even said that he was glad we were working on things and that he knew everything about us. I figured that said a lot coming from his best friend? When I asked him about what they told me, he claimed they were just drunk- go figure.

    I did express to him that I want some more time with him, after he initially said he wanted to see me more. Well, when he started breaking plans, I got upset, and yes, I did the unthinkable- NAG(!) about what he originally promised me, and then he got upset, saying he’s not there for me when I need him, and that I need too much time. Whatever!

    Well, now we are “casual”, and I’m doing my best to not show that I’m suffering without him and keeping myself busy and entertained. He’s been contacting me (predictably), and the last time, he said he has been missing me. I reminded him that in his own words, he doesn’t have a lot of time for me. He said sorry, and told me to “know” that he did like me.

    At this point, I’m thinking he’s on drugs because we are “broken up” and before we broke up, when I was complaining about how I didn’t get to see him as promised, he told me to remember that he liked me and not to worry so much.

    1. haha Of course they know “all about you”, because that’s what (some) guys do… Tell their boys all about the fun they’re having with their current chick(s). For some, that’s half the fun of messing with a chick in the first place is telling your boys war stories. 🙂

      As far as “not to show that I’m suffering”, you’re not alone in that one. A lot of women do the same thing for some odd reason. I don’t know if it’s pride and not wanting to LOOK affected by the guy or trying to convince yourselves that you’re not or some form of attempt not to guilt him into “returning”, but it doesn’t make any sense 😀 Maybe you can explain to me what the benefit is of concealing from him that you’re hurt.

      Original Promises are pretty much worthless, IMO. That’s one reason I don’t get involved in all this dramatic “relationship” stuff. There’s how I feel about a chick RIGHT NOW, and that’s it. I get contacted, then I check myself for the feeling of “Yes, I want to see her right now”, “I couldn’t care one way or the other” or “Nope, Not Interested” and then I make my decision. So, being the type of person who’s no longer interested in the same thing five hours after I WAS interested, I’m not inclined to put any faith in or value upon what someone told me weeks ago, months ago or years ago… UNLESS that person has already proven to me to be trustworthy, in which case their word stands as their word until I believe otherwise.

      The thing is here, you have to learn not to base your decisions and feelings on his WORDS. Clearly, dude’s liable to tell you ANYTHING and he has no intention of letting you in on his actual agenda. IMO, Your best bet is to be as casual with him as he is with you and spend your time trying to meet a guy who’s bout-it bout-it when it comes to you… Preferably through friends of yours so you have checks and balances and some idea from the beginning of whether this guy is actually looking for ONE girlfriend or not.

      1. Hey Bill,
        I’ve been dating a guy for 1 year now. Not only am I still a “friend” but he won’t introduce me to his friends. I know he isn’t seeing anyone else because we are together so much and I’m over his house a lot. I’m on the hot end of the looks scale and a professional w/a degree. However, I do have to wonder if there is some reason he is embarrassed to introduce me or that maybe he’s just not into that much of a commitment. He has a lot of friends both male and female. There is only 1 friend that he has told about us and I’m pretty sure that’s it. I’ve made a few comments about him introducing me to his friends but it doesn’t seem to phase him.I don’t mention anything about it much because that would be annoying. I’m not sure what to do at this point. I know he’s into me based on how active he is in our relationship as far as keeping in contact & wanting to get together (not just for sex either). We do have to be careful because we work together and neither one of us want it to get out at work. I don’t think that really spills over to his friends though although he will try to play that card. I have to wonder if I could be making this more than it is? Would a guy invest that much time & energy into a relationship that he really doesn’t see going anywhere?

        1. Hi Jen. 🙂 Thanks for the question.

          First of all, a guy not calling you his girlfriend and not introducing you to his friends doesn’t mean your relationship isn’t “going anywhere”. .. It also doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t consider you his best girlfriend, or perhaps even his only girlfriend.

          Having said that, not introducing you to his friends or not claiming you is a bad sign. Whenever I’ve been going out with girls, I always made a point that everyone I came into contact with knew that she was with me. This is SOP (Standard Operating Procedure) because you want to let dudes know that this is YOUR girl at this particular time, and if they hit on her, they’re directly disrespecting you.

          If you don’t let people know who your girl is, they can’t be blamed when they try to hit it.

          Also, I make sure my friends know who my girls are because I want them to know that if I’m not there, they need to look out for this girl in the way *I* would look out for her. If she’s with me, I’m gonna do what I have to do to protect her. She’s down with the crew by extension. Look out for her like you’d look out for me, or like I’d look out for you.

          I want people who are special to me to know who other people are who are special to me, so I make sure to MAKE situations where I introduce them to each other.. So it’s not a good thing when you’ve been hooking up with a dude for an entire year and he’s still hiding you, somehow.

          Some guys just aren’t into the girlfriend/wife/title thing. A chick is either down or she isn’t. You’re hooking up with her or you aren’t. There’s nothing else really going on between you. The relationship is what it is. That doesn’t mean it’s going to dissolve, but it also doesn’t mean that he’s going to ask you to marry him anytime soon, or maybe ever.

          As far as the energy guys invest in relationships, it depends on what kind of guy he is. Some guys really like doing nice things for girls. Some guys like cuddling after sex. Women read too much into this behavior. Even though dude might be an anomaly within the general population of guys, that might just be his personal thing. Some guys are chubby-chasers. You can’t read anything into that other than they’re turned on by overweight chicks or they figure she can cook, because she obviously eats so much.

          What you have to do is decide what you want for your future. What do you want for next year? What do you want for five years from today?

          Once you figure that out, you have to have a heart-to-heart with him and let him know what your current life’s goals are. If he does the right thing by you, he should either say “I’m down to do that with you” or “I’m not down for that plan, so you need to kick it with some other dude”. If he’s underhanded, he’s going to say whatever he needs to say so he can keep hittin’ it.

          So it’s up to you. If you’re willing to bounce from the relationship if you get the wrong answer, ask him what the deal is. Tell him you want to meet his friends & family. Tell him you want people to know that you and him are messing/together/whatever you consider it.

          If you’re not willing to exit right now, keep riding the wave. I don’t see it getting any different from what it’s been.

          Good Luck! 😀

          1. Hi Bill,
            Nice write-up, nice comments and thanks for responding to readers’ inquiries. Good Job!
            However, I have my issues and question, *winks*.
            I have been in a relationship with this great guy for two weeks now. We always have fun and loose sense of time whenever we are together.
            I met his male friends on the second night we met and they were real fun, they are liked me. I think he took an interest in me when he saw how well I blended with his friends but after reading posts and comments here? am beginning to have a rethink. Maybe he came after me (he wasn’t initially interested)so he could “TAP” me before any of his friends did, (ha-ha).
            Anyways, we have been together for 2weeks now and it’s like we have known each other for ages. Whenever we are together and we happen to stumble upon any of his MALE acquaintances, friends or family, he hugs, kisses and introduces me as his “WIFE”. BUT! Whenever we happen to stumble upon any of his female friends, he never introduces me, not by name or status. He even tells them they look sweet and stuff right in my presence like he was subconsciously or secretly telling them: “DONT WORRY SWEETY, SHE IS NOT A THREAT”.
            There was a particular incident when his childhood female friend came into town, he told me previously how he could not date her because she has a BF and stuff and stated firmly that they were just friends and nothing serious was going on or could ever happen between them. When I finally met this childhood female “FRIEND” of his, he introduced her again to me, told me this is the chick he has told me so much about but NEVER introduced me to her, he made pretty insulting comments about me while we were all in his car and when it all got too much, I opted to get down from the car and continue my journey alone! I broke up with him after that episode because from all that transpired during that meeting, it was obvious they were more than childhood friends. I cut all communication and stuff but then he came after me with his friend to my office apologizing, begging, wanting me back and stuff, that he dint know how I will take it that way blah blah blah and that the whole purpose of dating is getting to know each other better.
            I let it ride, forgave him, we got back together and things went back to normal. I have met a whole lot of his male acquaintances and he always introduce me as his “WIFE” and asks for the usual kiss when parting, however, this morning, I met another of his female friends and again, there was no introduction, he even dropped me off close to my office instead of at my office gate as he usually does. Am quite done with this guy as he has clearly shown that he is not ready for anything serious with me and continually disrespects me when with his female friends.
            We are intimate and all that. When alone with him or with his males friends, I have all his attention and he makes me feel like a princess but not when with any of his female friend.
            I guess I goofed with this one as am usually very careful and selective when it comes to boy matters.
            Is there something I did that I should not repeat in my next relationship or any advice whatsoever you wish to give me Bill?

            1. Hey Ola. 🙂

              Yes.. Women should never write off the male penchant for competition. There are lots of times when guys compete for women just to see who gets on first or who can lock her down from other guys getting her.

              That’s interesting.. Giving you a title to tha fellaz and not to the ladies… o_O

              They might not have been childhood friends at all. Did you see any pictures of them? haha It’s really too easy to lie to women about other women “This is my friend”. “This is my cousin”. “This is my friend’s cousin”. “This is my cousin’s friend”. “This is my co-worker”. “This is my boss”. “This is my landlord”… *yawn*

              There’s nothing that I can think of that you “did” in this situation. It seems to be a pretty common thing. Since you’re never there when he introduces his homeboys to other women, you have no idea whether he calls THEM his wife too, and it’s a big inside joke that they all share.

              A friend of mine was dating this chick, and she was asking him all this blah blah where is the relationship going, what are we to each other, are we serious, blah blah questions and he easily answered all of them in a way that appeased her and caused her to remain.. functional.

              Meanwhile, he dropped that chick at the train station and didn’t leave, because he had a different girl coming in on the next train…. It’s regular.

              The main problem here is that he wouldn’t claim you in front of other women. Guys are going to know how that’s going to look and how that’s going to make “their girlfriend” feel, and there’s no need to put yourself through that anguish, so it’s a good idea to ALWAYS claim your woman.

              Not claiming you is keeping his options open with the other chicks, whom he may very well have told that you’re a childhood friend.

  14. P.S. As far as family goes, he lives far from them, several states away. He is close to them, though. I’ve never heard of him talking about marriage or anything, though he has claimed a wedding song for us after a few beers one night, lol. He has also made small comments/jokes about how many kids we’re going to have, but other than that, I don’t really know anything concrete about if he wants to settle down or anything. I guess I’m too afraid to ask that because I don’t want him to think I’m after a ring.

    I also should add that all of his best friends, including his roommate, now all have girlfriends, are engaged, or are married with kids, as they are all into their late 20’s/early-mid 30’s. He is one of the few left who are single.. Maybe he feels pressured?

    1. hehe “Claimed Wedding Song” hahaha I’m going to have to try that out and see how that works. I can actually imagine that stuff as being a good technique. I’m going to try it this weekend, ‘matter of fact. On a complete stranger! 😀

      PLEASE Stop listening to what this guy SAYS. Guys will say ANYTHING and it doesn’t mean JACK. People drinking will say ANYTHING, and it doesn’t mean JACK. Just the other day, a friend of mine told me that I told her I loved her (after I had had myriad drinks, of course). That’s possible, but I can’t corroborate or deny hahaha. Actually, I think I’ll print the disclaimer: “Ladies… If I’m on beer #7 or if it’s after 1am on any given day, please absolutely DISREGARD *ANYTHING* that I tell you! 😀 I was probably too drunk to stop myself from flirting with you. Stick to the stuff I told you while I was sober! 😀

  15. Hi Bill,

    What do you do when they tell everyone you are their girlfriend but, we are getting married next month and he won’t tell anyone he is getting married?

    All I said was that if he waited too long to tell his family, they would be hurt he didn’t tell him and invite them to the wedding.

    1. Hey Deena 🙂

      I’ll have to say that I’ve never, EVER heard of the scenario you just presented and I’m sure there are A LOT OF WOMEN who would LOVE to have your ‘problem’ 😀 .. That they’re definitely getting married, it’s just that nobody’s going to be there except for the Justice of the Peace or whomever performs marriages in your area.

      Actually, if you’re getting married four weeks from now, 28 days from now, he should have been referring to you as his fiancée for a long time already. In case you’re not familiar with that term, it means the person to whom he’s engaged to be married.

      By introducing you as such, he would have been announcing to people that he intended to marry you so that if it just ‘happened’ out of the blue, it wouldn’t have been a surprise to people. If he hasn’t been doing that, his “girlfriend” will suddenly become his “wife”… unless he’s planning on not telling people you GOT married after the fact.

      Good Luck! 😀

  16. Thanks for your reply Bill. Yeah my situation is a little different.

    We have only been engaged a short while; just a couple of months (we’ve been seeing each other for nearly 5 years though) so I don’t think he has referred to me as fiance to anyone.

    We are just having our witnesses and the celebrant who performs the marriage and that is it. That is fine with me as we are both really nervous around other people and don’t like a big public fuss.

    I don’t think he plans on telling anyone we are married after we are married either.

    My family and friends all know but he is not telling his family and friends.

    He’ll have to tell them sometime. I just think the longer he waits, the worse it might be for him as he obviously lies to his family to keep them from knowing about me. I think he is worried about being judged but honestly I think his fears are unsupported as his family seem really easy going.

    1. You’re welcome, Deena. With the new information, I can’t decide whether he’s hiding you or he’s just picky about who it is that knows his business. There’s a rather fine line between the two.

      If a guy’s embarrassed about you, he’s going to hide you. If he doesn’t want to admit that you’re his type or whatever, that’s what’s going to happen. You see this a lot when guys end up dating (or even worse, having kids with and/or marrying) a chick that’s known locally to be a ho. This has nothing to do with you, haha I’m just saying that when a guy gets sprung off of a chick that everybody else already tapped, he knows he’s going to be a laughing stock and get laughed at behind his back and in front of his face, so it’s in his best interest to hide the fact that he’s claiming a chick everybody else already screwed and dumped as his woman.

      OTOH.. If he cherishes his relationship to you and doesn’t care what anybody else thinks about it, that’s actually a GOOD thing and shows that he’s focused on you. Obviously, by the fact that you think your boyfriend is going to be “judged” for messing with you, you feel that his family thinks lowly of you for some reason. If he doesn’t share their opinion, then it makes sense that he’s not telling them JACK, because all they’re going to do with the information is try to make his life worse by constantly nagging him about you.

      As far as “He’ll have to tell them sometime”, stop believing in that pipe dream. That’s ridiculous. There’s no reason he would EVER have to tell ANYONE that he already knows or meets in the future that you’re his wife, his girlfriend or that he ever tapped that in life. Believe me.. Chicks come and go without a trace and nobody except the guy and girl are aware that the two of them ever messed around. As long as both parties know how to keep their business “out the street”, nobody will ever know, which makes no difference anyway, because nobody’s paying us to divulge who we’re dating.

      If someone offers your boyfriend/fiance $50,000 to tell his parents about you, maybe he will. Other than that, it doesn’t look likely. Good Luck! 😀

  17. Hi Bill, I think it might have something to do with me being 19 years older than he is. His good work friend who is the same age he is was trying to guess information about me. I do think he was telling him anything because it isn’t any of his business and I think he was worried about being judged. He told me his work friend guessed my age to be late 20s like they are. I had to laugh. I don’t think I look that young but nobody ever guesses me over 35. Then my fiance told him I was in my 40s and I guess it just blew him away. His worries turned out to be nothing. I’m not going to worry about him telling his family or not. It isn’t my problem.

    1. Yeah… 19 years older might just do it. 😀 hahahahaha

      This is going to call for a completely separate post, which I’ll link here after I write it… But basically, there are certain situations where you have to walk into a relationship knowing you’re going to take certain “shorts”. Being 19 years older (or younger) than your SO is one of them.

      You can NOT walk into a relationship like this believing you’re going to be treated as “a regular person”. It’s absolutely unrealistic. You can’t ask people that you’re messing with or in relationships with to carry burdens they’re not built to carry.

      The vast, VAST majority of our society is going to have a problem with y’all’s age disparity. The best way to deal with that is to keep it under the hat. Don’t say anything about it. This way, you and he live the life that you built for yourselves, and he doesn’t have to be bothered with people attempting to impose their personal brainwashing on him, day in and day out.

      The fact of the matter is.. “Legal is Legal”, Period. There’s a reason why there are age of consent laws across the USA (and, to a degree, the entire world). If he’s in his 20s, he can mess with as old a chick as he feels like. Unfortunately, society likes to treat a lot of laws like a lowest common denominator instead of an over/under. Even though you’re perfectly within your rights to have a 20-something boyfriend, people are still brainwashed that you should only mess with people +/- 3 years from your own age, give or take.

      So, like I said, in this case, you’re going to have to take that short. You’re going to have to be a ghost as far as the people he knows are concerned, because otherwise, they will continually nag him until he either has to stop interacting with THEM or stop interacting with YOU.

      1. Yes. I never mention the age to anyone. It is nobody’s business. If people want to pry, then they are just being nosy and no need to respond to that.

        I think any any situation like that, being confident and sure of yourself and your beliefs go a long way towards not getting flack.

        My ex husband was 11 years older than me and nobody blinked an eye over it.

        His mum will come to visit him at sometime and notice I am living there so I guess then she will know we are together lol.

        My fiance’s workmates seem to be a bit jealous of him now. Funny. 🙂

        Anyway, I’m glad I stumbled upon your site. It is interesting and you are a good writer.



        1. Thanks for the props, Deena. 🙂

          That’s right. It’s nobody’s business. As long as he’s happy with you and you’re happy with him, that’s what makes the days good and eventually, that’s what makes your entire life good.

          Being confident is good, but honestly not caring is even better. Friends of mine over the years can attest to the fact that people have ALWAYS been trying to tell me what kind of chicks I should be dating when they have no idea who I am OR what floats my boat. So, their opinion is useless and all they can do for me is introduce me to a chick that’s my type and let me do what I do 😉

          As far as your ex being older than you, life isn’t fair. Double-Standards will remain status quo. Women will never NOT be seen as so-called “Cougars” for kicking it with younger men. Older guys will never stop getting a pat on the back for bagging younger chicks. C’est La Vie. 😀

          Yeah, if his moms comes over and you’re cold lampin’, she’ll get the picture that her little boy’s all grown up.

          Of course his workmates are jealous. They’re all dating younger girls that have no clue what to do with a man, physically. They imagine that your BF is living that life, and he probably IS! hahaha

  18. Ok. I’m in a similar situation as the original poster. My bf and I are both 40 yrs old. He and I used to date 21 years ago. Now (after 21 years) I found him on the web, sent him an email, and viola! We are dating again.

    Been sexual before, (and now we are again in our 40’s – – very much so!). The sex is great. We are both intellectual, except I have a much wider range of personality (I’m intellectual, well educated, AND I have a funky side – – love to laugh, get along with anyone in any social situation, always talking about everythin’, etc…). He’s very logical, rigid, and organized (to the point of almost OCD) and yet… it surprises the hell outta me when I see him smoking pot once in awhile (which seems so divergent from who he is, but he likes the occasional doober).

    Ok, so he won’t call me his girlfriend in public. And ya know, by the way, we talked about it… I told ’em it bugs me…it hurts, etc… He responded that it seems silly to call eachother that… and particularly since we’ve only been dating 2 months now. OK, I get THAT, but geeze, why then won’t he atleast ACT like he’s not just a “friend” in front of his friends, family, and co-workers. He had a big party the other day, invited me, and when I arrived, it was like I was just another guest (except for the part where we slipped away and had passionate sex toward the end of the night in his room when no one was around to see that we had gone upstairs to get wild).

    Anyway, it hurts so much (the “not calling me his girlfriend” thing). I’m actually ok with not doing that (since it DOES seems kinda silly at our age). HOWEVER, I don’t dig the fact that we can’t even give a quick hug or hold hands in front of others. It is painful to me… it feels like I’m a cheap whore or something.

    During our privat talks (when I’ve explained to him that I feel hurt), he explains that he is “a very private person” who is private in EVERYTHING in life… not just with me. He says, “Don’t feel bad about it. I’m like that with everything.” He also explains that he has no other girlfriends in his life, and has been a single man for a long time (never married), but doesn’t see me as a casual thing, but also has “never really thought about commitment or marriage”. . . C’mon… these are such contradictions! Which is true? Am I his gf??? Or does he not want a commitment? Or am I his casual friend with benefits (and yes, he HAS suggested that we are FWB, which upset me greatly and I immediately told him NEVER to say that again with me.

    He DOES tell me (privately) that he “misses” me (I tend to feel that he only misses the sex – – Am I right? Or wrong, here?

    And he tells me ANYTHING during sex, by the way… such as “Are you going to let your BOYFRIEND make love to you?”. Of course, he KNOWS that this is PRECISELY what I’d need and want to hear in order to get me excited and want to have sex at that very moment. That sucks, because I hear the words “make love” and “gf” and “bf” and yes, I DO get so happy and excited, and that sucks so badly because he retracts it all later on (after the sex, of course – – he got the milk, and doesn’t need the cow I suppose).

    Am I wrong in wanting him to atleast TREAT me like MORE than a friend in front of friends, family, etc…??? He DOESN’T have to call me his “bf”… Just put your arm around me once in a while, for God’s sake, Damnit.

    As I am writing this, I feel so badly right now… like a hidden secret… Like I’m not good enough to be introduced as anything more than a friend. Hell, when we were 18 yrs old, we were bf and gf and had NO prob describing ourselves to others as such. WTF has happed to him now, at age 40???? Has he become so used to decades of “the single life” that he cannot bring himself to wreck that by labeling our relationship.

    What on earth do I do? He tells me that he won’t text me anymore because I “take the texts the wrong way” and because he “isn’t the greatest communicator” according to him (which is true). Well, geeze, what else will he cut from our relationship?? Will he eventually stop calling me? What next? Never take me to dinner anymore?

    And also, he has a phone at home, and only gives the number to 6 people in his life (who he won’t tell me who they are… says they are family and close friends). He only gives me his cell number, and says that he’s a very “private person” and has had a long history with these friends/family to whom he’s given this “private number”. Well, damnit, that f-ing hurts me so much. WHAT am I chopped liver? Ok, so I let that one slide (but I did calmly tell him that it really didn’t feel that great to know that I couldn’t have that private number… and that it makes me feel “last” on his list of important people in his life). Other than that, I let it go and never mentioned it to him again.

    And by the way… I realize that I did make an error in bringing up “commitment” so early on. So I understand that after only 2 months, the guy will not want to commit or marry or somethin’! Of course I understand that! BUT…. what I DO NOT accept (nor understand) is the fact that I’m such a freakin’ hidden secret (even tho he DOES invite me to his “inner circle” stuff, like parties, and events, etc…).

    I’m really f’d up by the fact that he waivers… in bed I’m EVERYTHING from “my love” to “my gf” to “my lover”, etc… AFTER bed, I’m just “a friend” in front of others. It is tearing my heart in two. I loved him YEARS ago, and I still feel love for him now. For a 40 year old educated, logical, well-bred man, he’s certainly acting like an immature guy (one minute he says he “cares for me deeply” and looks deep into my eyes… like as tho he wants to say MORE… And the next minute, he’s sayin “I don’t commit to anything… I’m too busy to do so. I’ve not really thought about “us”… haven’t had the chance”. Then the next day… he’ll say, “I’m going to go to sleep and have sweet dreams about you and I. I hope you have sweet dreams. Good night”. WTF is this… Jeckle and Hyde?

    Today he gave me flowers (after I let him know how “DIFFICULT” it was to compromise myself by acting like a mere “FRIEND” at his party”, but that I “did it for you, because you requested it”.) Of course, he didn’t like that I told him this, and felt that I should be happy that I was even invited, “since I’m such a private person, and you came into my life in the middle of everything just 2 months ago… And yet, I still invited you to my party… and I don’t invite just ANYONE to my parties.”

    Well, I gotta tell y’all, I feel like “just anyone”. I feel like I was a “guest” at his party…JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. I don’t feel special around him (except when we’re in la la land having sex, and of course, he says ALL sweet things to me, which he later retracts).

    I’m lost. Am I a nag? Am I unfair? Any advice to me on this? PLEASE let me know.. And by the way, I DO live my life, and I DO spend time by myself WITHOUT him for 5-10 days at a time without seeing him (and hardly calling him, unless I’m returning his call). And also, at his party, I gave him SO MUCH SPACE, that anyone observing would hardly know that we even knew eachother (I think we talked six times in passing… And the only REAL time we spent together was when we sneaked up to his room to have sex).

    SO…. again, I’ll ask (and please read this entire post to understand the details of my situation before you answer)… Am I a nag? Am I wrong in ANY way here? If so, WHAT can I do to fix myself (if, in fact, ya think I need to change anythin’ about myself)??? Is he a jerK? Do you think I could do better without ’em? What are your thoughts, advice, suggestions?

    Thank you soooo much for reading and for helping. My heart aches.

  19. Wow….

    Not knowing either of you, I’m going to put myself in HIS shoes for a hot second and let me tell you I’m struggling to see the compatibility between the two of you.
    1. You are not being referred to as the “girlfriend” and the dating has only been going on for two months, those two clearly go hand in hand. Having had the pleasure of physically enjoying the company is NOT a reason to say that a relationship exists. Sex is sex. Friends are friends. Sex with friends is one thing. Being in a relationship is another. Trust me; his friends know he is getting it on with you. No new guy/girl can make it through an event without someone asking how and why that person was invited. His friends may know and RESPECT his strong desire for maintaining his privacy and probably asked on a separate occasion (assuming he did not already inform them of his inviting a special friend before hand). The fact that he invites you to participate in his “inner circle” activities means that NO you are not a “frickin hidden secret” I think the problem is you prefer immediate relationships and he doesn’t. Saying girlfriend implies such an immediate “commitment”!
    2. Saying girlfriend also implies a level of youthfulness that people in their 40’s are not usually comfortable with. I am 39 and the last time I used that phrase was… Wow, Bush Sr. was in office, Michael was still Black, Paula Abdul was actually still a star on merit, and coffee was something you made at home or purchased from the local diner that served it in a white and blue “Greek” inspired cup! So he wont call you his girlfriend, get over it!
    3. He is the stuffy one and you are the equally intelligent but funkier one of the two. If being hip and funky is one of the personality characteristics that separate you from his controlled demeanor, why are YOU the one getting upset at the phrase “Friends With Benefits”? If you think about it that’s what are you are, so what exactly is offensive?? That he put it in words?? Would you prefer to be allowed to continue to perceive something that does not exist?”
    4. So he says certain things in private/intimate situations that he immediately forgets. Big deal… Much “crap” gets said at the worst (for you) times.
    5. Yes he might like/love/want to have sex with you but that does not mean he is lying about actually missing YOU the person. The only person trivializing the actual mental/friendship connect here is you. Simply because he wont say what you want to hear you are willing to dismiss his sincerity by tying it into the sex. Tsk, tsk, tsk…

    There are so many points that can be addressed here that I will defer to Mr. Bill C!! He may completely disagree with me or he may not who knows. For the record though, in terms of immaturity… (and you called him immature) there is this song and the words are “I’m looking at the man in the MIRROR…Im begging him to make a change”… Uhm yeah, I think that there is somebody else acting just a smidge immature…

    Just cause you dated him in the past does not mean he is still the same person. Also (and this goes for all females) if you are agreeing to be involved with him now… accept who and what he has become. Stop trying to change him. 

  20. Wow. You totally put things into perspective for me. I am glad that you wrote. Not what I want to hear, but totally what I “should” hear, so I am glad that you said these things.

    I think perhaps he did tell his friends, and that they need to keep it quiet. That sucks, because I don’t want to be seen as “FWB” or anything like that. I want a strong committed relationship. But yet… two months IS really too soon (as you stated). And really, what we are is FWB.

    I too struggle with the “compatibility” thing. There isn’t any (except our cultural background and the fact that we like ‘intellectual’ conversations, and the fact that we like sex with eachother).

    I need to get out of the “idealization” phase, and into reality. He’s definitely NOT the same person that I knew from decades ago, and I WANTED to see him as “the same”, which is NOT reality.

    I know you are right, Frank. You gave me a dose of reality, and I appreciate your honesty. Thank you.

  21. Frank (and anyone else)…

    Should I be looking at FWB as a positive thing which “could” lead to marriage someday? Or am I wasting my time (knowing what ya read about us already in my post)? Just don’t wanna waste time and energy if FWB will only be FWB and never a “serious” committed relationship.


    1. Hey Alexis. Thanks for the comments/questions. 🙂

      Frank’s covered the bases pretty well, so I’ll try to add a few points. I’ll write the same disclaimer that I don’t know EITHER of you, so I’m making some general observations that might not have ANYTHING to do with your situation… but they might…

      1. Dating again after ~20 years has passed doesn’t get you any extra credit. Sure, you’re his ex, and you’ve been put back on the roster, but it’s not like you get seniority. You get the credit for the past two months and that’s about it, other than whatever feelings he had developed for you back in the day or whatever credit he gave you for your character/personality.

      2. He won’t call you his girlfriend in public (OR IN PRIVATE, unless he’s trying to get you to do the right thing) because you’re *NOT* his girlfriend. You may or may not be the default chick for him when he wants to have sex.

      Here’s how I’ll attempt to explain the difference. IMO, a girlfriend is when you’re messing with her and you don’t have any intentions on messing with other gals. Calling you his girlfriend would be “copping to” being in an exclusive relationship with him. From what you wrote, I don’t think he feels that way. That’s why I think that you MIGHT be his default chick when it comes to sex. You might be his default chick when it comes to hanging out also. Basically, you *might* be his “Best Girlfriend”, meaning top of the list of GirlfriendS… but you might *not*…

      3. Regardless of whether it’s silly for 40-year-old people to call each other BF/GF, SOME sort of title is in order *IF* he considers himself in an exclusive relationship with you, which I doubt he does. Not only would it make YOU feel good, but it’s a defensive position. It’s like how when women get married, they take the last name of their man. This means “Property Of [His Last Name]”. Introducing you to people as his girlfriend tells them “Do not dis me and kick it to this chick here, because she’s with ME!”. Introducing you without any form of indication that he’s kickin’ it with you is giving them carte blanche to throw their hat in the ring and try to get on with you. Therefore, it’s in a “boyfriend”s best interest to let people know that this is his “girlfriend”, whatever term he decides to use.

      Since he’s not defending his position, I would assume there’s no position to defend. Capisce?

      4. Slipping away for “passionate sex” after playing you off like he has nothing physical to do with you at a party isn’t something you do with a “girlfriend”. That’s something you do with SOMEONE ELSE’S GIRLFRIEND.

      5. You shouldn’t feel like a cheap whore, because cheap whores get PAID.

      You’re giving it up for free, so you don’t belong in the same classification.

      6. There’s ZERO contradiction between not seeing you as a casual thing and simultaneously having ZERO thoughts about making some kind of official relationship with you. This is why I was saying.. You’re probably his default chick for sex, and he might very well be satisfied with you and he might very well NOT be having sex with anyone other than you. That doesn’t mean he has any intentions of changing the status quo. I just wrote about this yesterday, in “Where Is This Relationship Going?”. A guy can be perfectly happy with the sex he’s getting from a chick and not want anything more out of life. No kids. No weddings. No rings. The chick’s perfect for him as-is and he has no intention of “fixing what ain’t broke”.

      7. There is ZERO difference between a FWB and a girlfriend. The only difference is a verbal acknowledgement of an EXCLUSIVE relationship. The functionality is exactly the same. There’s no need for you to become invested in the name/title he gives your relationship, as it’s way less important than how he actually treats you.

      There are guys that don’t claim that a girl is their girlfriend, yet they’re completely faithful to them and gentlemanly. There are guys that went to the Church and married the chick, screw any other chicks they want and beat her ass on a regular basis. Who has the better relationship? That’s right. The first chick. So don’t worry about titles. Even if he decides to call you his girlfriend, he’s still going to treat you the. exact. same. way. as he is right now.

      8. “Missing you” seems like something you want to hear, so he tells you. I wouldn’t personally assign too much weight to that statement.

      9. “Make Love”, etc, is the exact same thing. Whatever you need to hear to get you to do the right thing. You shouldn’t feel badly about this. These tactics work on most women. You’re *******, and you’re telling her you’re “Making Love” to her. Same body motions, different words. You called that one yourself. He’s using it to activate you. Still, you also recognize that you can’t do anything about it and you’re going to fall for it every time he does it.

      10. You’re not wrong in what you want. It’s what you want, and that’s that. Everyone should strive to get what they want. Your job is going to be assessing whether you can actually GET what you want from this particular guy, and if you figure out that you can’t, finding a new guy.

      11. There’s nothing wrong with being a “hidden secret”, and he doesn’t get to define YOU as “not good enough”, ever. Alternatively, I should say that YOU shouldn’t define yourself as “good enough or not” based on how someone else treats you.

      12. Throw “When we were 18…” out the window. He has different friends now. He has different thoughts and desires now. He’s been through relationships with other chicks during that time. He’s a different person and so are you. You need to let go of this “I have seniority because we dated a couple of decades ago” concept that you’re living with.

      13. There’s no reason for him to label your relationship because you’re either going to give it up or you’re not. Period. There’s nothing else going on. It’s like I said about having a defensive posture. He’s not doing anything to impede you from walking away from y’all’s relationship. If he were trying to keep you, he would listen to your complaints and at least FAKE giving you what you want. He’s not even doing that….

      14. Not texting you anymore sounds strange.

      15. You can’t get his number because he doesn’t want you to call him at the crib. As long as you have his cell number, he can turn it off and shut you out entirely. If you have the number to the house, you can call and interrupt him kickin’ it with some other chick. You can also leave a message, which a chick might accidentally hear… which has happened to me personally, so I can tell you that not giving you his home number is an indication that you’re NOT his main squeeze.

      I broke up with my ex YEARS AGO and she STILL has all my contact information. We’re cool like that. When I was with her, DAMN SKIPPY she had every single way possible to get in touch with me.

      Also, if he TOLD YOU that he gave his CLOSE FRIENDS his number and you can’t have it, get a clue……

      Oh… ANOTHER reason not to give a chick your home number is so that when you’re done with her, you don’t have to CHANGE YOUR NUMBER! 😀

      16. Actually, you can’t claim to “not accept” his behavior, because you’re clearly accepting it and you’re still down for whatever he wants to do.

      17. He may very well “Care for you deeply”. That doesn’t mean he cares for you EXCLUSIVELY. That’s the sticking point here. He likes hooking up with you, but doesn’t seem to see a need to lock you down. He’s not making any moves to ensure that you don’t walk away.

      18. I wish I *WOULD* have told my ex that she was lucky to come to a party that I threw! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA 😀 Hilarious! 😀 If anything, the party was going to be ME and HER and NOBODY ELSE and that was going on EVERY DAY.

      19. You’re not a nag… I mean, you MIGHT BE, but that’s not evident from what you wrote, haha 😀 You’re not being unfair or unreasonable. You seem to be doing all the right things. You’re letting him know that you’re dissatisfied and WHAT you’re dissatisfied about. That’s the best thing you can do.. Communicate. Apparently, he heard what you said and isn’t changing anything to make you feel better.

      The point I was making in “Where Is This Relationship Going?” is that women are afraid to ask that question, because if they get the wrong answer, they need to step off and get involved in a different relationship where they MIGHT be on track to get what they want. Unfortunately, most of the time that y’all ask yourselves this question, the answer’s exactly what you think it is.

      Good Luck! 😀

  22. FYI: When I said that the GF/BF title is a little “youthful” (awkward being more the case) I didnt mean to imply that NO titles are in effect. As Bill said, at some point a title (marking your territory) is essential. I have my special/lady friend who is the the Lady in my life and I have actually introduced her as “this is my lady Tina…blahblahblah”. What I wanted to say (but my questionable ability to type prevented me from doing) is STOP looking for what YOU want to see. So he doesnt call you his GF, does he do anything else that is comperable? 2 months is kinda too soon to say you are his exclusive “go to” but is he doing what he needs to do to ween himself from any others that *might* exist in order to more fully appreciate your presence! Look for what HE does in his environment to communicate with others about you.

    The natural course is FWB, GF/BF (if a title is absolutely needed), exclusive and time invested so much so that titles are no longer needed, cohabitation/marriage/possibly break up.

    That was an attempt to answer your last question. All I can say is that Zero to 60 in 3 seconds is only acceptable in a car. Unless you have the Toyota Logo somewhere on your body…

    Dont make the same mistake many woman make when think that sleeping with a man immediatly means he is responsible for finding the tallest building in your city and screaming out “IM OFF THE MARKET”! It just means that you slept with him.

  23. I read every word… twice. I thank you both, Bill and Frank.

    I will tell ya that we talk last night (on his cell, of course), and during our 40 min conversation, he said, “I was disappointed that you didn’t come earlier to my party. There were some interesting people I would have wanted to introduce you to”.

    I think that showed that he wants his friends/fam to meet me, which is cool. 🙂 Makes me happy to know this.

    Tho at the end of our conversations, I said “sweet dreams” (like we always do), and he said, “Have a nice night. Take care”. Now, I know you’ll both tell me not to get hung up on words… but damnit, I wish he said his usual “sweet dreams” or “miss you” or something. Sometimes he can be so formal (it’s connected to his profession… he’s wired very logically).

    As far as “labels” go, I understand what you both are saying. I definitely will be sure to stop gettin’ so hung up on labels… especially this soon in the relationship.
    Though it will be difficult, I am making a promise to myself not to feel like a “cheap whore” anymore, for enjoying sex with him even while all we are is FWB (God I hate that phrase!).

    I get sickened by the thought that I could be seen as “a squeeze” or “a great lay” or something, rather than “an important significant other”. Ok, so I’m his sex buddy, and friend. God, I hope that he respects me! Frank and Bill, I cannot just be a “great f”, as that is too vial to me. I do feel good, however, about the fact that he and I do have good conversation and dinner together, and hang out and talk like friends… so that’s a very good plus.

    He’s asked me about “other guys”. I’ve told him unequivocally that I “DO NOT and WILL NOT sleep with anyone else”… and he’s told me that he doesn’t sleep with anyone else. At this stage, however, I’m pretty certain that neither one of us TRULY believes the other one yet, until we get to know each other better and the trust is built).

    Bill, I know what ya mean. I think perhaps he’s got both men and women that call him on his home phone? And it’s clear that I am not allowed in the inner sanctum.

    RE: IS THERE A MAIN SQUEEZE (or another chick) IN HIS LIFE???
    Just wondering… If I’m NOT his “main squeeze”, then why was I invited to his big party with all his friends/relatives/co-workers? Where was the “other girl/main squeeze”??? He also recently took me to a huge black tie event where everyone he knew and worked with was there. This is part of why I’m thinkin’ I’m the “only” fwb at this time.

    Feel free to comment on my words, Bill and Frank. You both have been so FAR BEYOND AWESOME in your honesty and you laid it right out on the table for me… no smoke and mirrors. I think that’s great (even if it’s not quite what I’d like to hear, it’s the truth and it’s what I NEED to hear in order to wake up).

  24. You wrote: “The reason I posted was that I’m always hearing about dating situations that have CLEARLY gotten as “serious” as they’re going to…”

    #1)Is it really as serious as it’s going to get, or do guys like this EVER want to settle down?

    #2) I’m totally confused in this day and age. Maybe cuz I was married for 15 yrs and have no clue about this “fwb” thing or “casual” stuff. Aren’t ANY guys into commitment anymore????!!

  25. “Original Promises are pretty much worthless, IMO. That’s one reason I don’t get involved in all this dramatic “relationship” stuff. There’s how I feel about a chick RIGHT NOW, and that’s it. I get contacted, then I check myself for the feeling of “Yes, I want to see her right now”, “I couldn’t care one way or the other” or “Nope, Not Interested” and then I make my decision.”

    Bill, I am curious… Knowing that you are the kind of guy who is very “here and now” wouldn’t that turn off someone that you possible “love”? So I gotta know… How do you treat a woman that you KNOW if someone you LOVE and want to be committed to? Or even possible married? Do you still treat her this way (as “here and now”? Or does she get “different” and “preferential” treatment.

    No disrespect to you (and other guys like you), but I cannot see how this kind of treatment is “respectful” to a woman. It’s really “player” type behavior. Isn’t that the case?

    Again, I don’t want to sound disrespectful, but I’m trying to understand all of this. You’re living like a bachelor. Which is ok, but why suck in a woman (like myself) whom you KNOW wants MORE of a SERIOUS type relationship and ISN’T inot the FWB or casual thing?

    I told my current man friend that I’m totally NOT about “casual” relationships. And he immediately said, “I am not promiscuous. And I too do not see you as a ‘casual’ relationship” (which I feel is a crock of bull now that I’ve seen his very secretive and non-commital behavior). So, why did he decide to go forward with having sex and hangin’ with me, when he KNEW that I was CLEAR that I didn’t want a “casual” relationship. And if the answer is “cuz he could tap that”, well… I’m disgusted with him for that!

    Why do guys lie to women, when ya’ll can get another girl who WILL give it up WITHOUT wanting a “committed” or serious relationship??????? THAT is what I think is cheesey!

    P.S. Sorry for sounding bitter. I love your writings. I just want to understand all of this stuff. It is very hurtful when you are a female who has TOLD the guy UNEQUIVOCALLY that you DO NOT want to get into a relationship that is “casual”, and yet… he lies, and here I am… in a FWB/Casual relationship.

    1. “Wouldn’t that turn off someone you possibly love?” – Yes. C’est La Vie.

      In the hypothetical situation that I was interacting with “A woman that I KNOW is someone I LOVE and want to be committed to”, the FIRST thing I would do is TELL. HER. SO. If you don’t communicate with your woman, she’s liable to think anything, like you’re doing right now. In order to avoid this, you want to lay your cards on the table. There is no way in hell that I would leave any question in her mind as far as whether I wanted to be with her and to what degree and potential desired outcome (marriage, kids, whatever).

      As far as the treatment being “respectful”, you’re assuming he’s ATTEMPTING to act respectfully towards you. There are a lot of assumptions in this scenario.

      As far as it being “player-type behavior”, nobody said this guy ISN’T a player.

      Why suck a woman in? (As I said above, this is not something I would do at this point) In order to get her to do the right thing. It’s all in the game. Business is Business.

      I don’t take any offense to your writings at all, and I’m glad you’ve begun and continued this conversation because it’s pretty much a case study for all women.

      This isn’t supposed to be a pleasant conversation for you, because according to everything you’ve written in black and white, you’re trying to gain control over a guy that has ZERO reason to give you ANY control whatsoever. Again, I don’t know him and I don’t know you, so I have no idea what’s ACTUALLY going on between you. All I know is that from what you wrote, I can’t see him gaining ANY benefits whatsoever from giving you a title or escalating your relationship any higher than it’s current state.

      I’m not trying to be mean or harsh. The fact of the matter is that men are going to tell women whatever they need to hear so they can get on. I guarantee you I tell this to chicks every. single. day. and y’all never get it. It’s like there’s some kind of programming that women receive that tells y’all that life is fair and that it’s possible for you to gain control in ANY situation. It’s just not true.

      The reason why “guys lie to women, when ya’ll can get another girl who WILL give it up WITHOUT wanting a “committed” or serious relationship???????” is that it works. There’s no reason to select another gal when you have one perfectly under your control by telling her a couple of meaningless things.

      The reason you don’t understand this is because nobody’s told you this until now. Believe me.. If there was some technique that I though you could use to get the upper hand, other than outshining your competition, I would *GLADLY* tell you what it is, because I appreciate your commenting and sticking with your points. The fact of the matter is exactly what you stated… “Ya’ll can get another girl who WILL give it up WITHOUT wanting a “committed” or serious relationship”. Therefore, there is NO REASON to commit when you can easily get a different girl that doesn’t require commitment or you can easily get chicks looking for commitment to comply WITHOUT actually committing to them by saying some simple lines like “I love you”, “I miss you”, “I care about you”, “You’re the only one”, etc etc etc…

      Having said that, it’s entirely possible that your situation will become what you want it to be and you’ll end up in an exclusive relationship with him that’s satisfying to you with titles and all that good stuff. Having read what you wrote, that’s not how I feel the situation’s going to go.

  26. WOW!
    Must say i have been reading “all” the interaction between the 2 of you and Im exhausted! (not negatively) I started reading from the minute the responses where posted and just re-read them all… Its like a battle of the heavyweights… the immovable object vs. the irresistible force…

    I read where Bill C mentioned that he and i have decided to have ‘one of our chats’ regarding your posted comments. I think this is going to be interesting. Stay on the look out for it.

    If you want an example of how the two of us just “kick it”, take a trip over to the Street Game section and listen in. This will give you a small sampling of what to expect. 🙂

  27. Hey Bill…

    This is workin’ great so far! I’ve resisted the urge to contact him (except but a quick text to say I went on a great job interview). In fact, I’ve taken the last four days and done so, whilst living my life to its fullest and hangin’ with my dawgs.

    And as I was just about to shut off my phone and go to sleep last nite… He called me. We had alot of laughs, and a great conversation about benign stuff (nothing “relationship” oriented, which is great).

    I’m really glad that I found your site. Hey, if ya want a female in the mix (to interview for your audio as a case study) I’d be very happy to oblige. Especially since I think it would help ALOT of women in my situation.

    I’m really “gettin’ it” (i.e. understanding BIG time!) what you are saying to me. And even better, I’m ACTING on it (NOT just “knowing” it). As a result, he is excited to talk with me, and asks me how my day was, and I ask him how his day went, etc… Then we say goodnight after about 30-40 min.

    I’m making myself alot less accessible (in a pleasant and good way). For example, no more going over his house on command. So that when he asks me to come over, it’ll be special (and not some routine sex thang). 🙂 He’s got to earn the goods (and I mean that in a VERY non-b*tchy way).

    As for my part, I am now an official member the “cammack” program (which I am currently placing into action RIGHT NOW) by continuing to step back and assess my guy’s behavior and make an informed decision over time AND by NO LONGER pushing for comittment/exclusivity – – you and Frank made that abundantly clear – – And I sooo get it now)!

    I’m bein’ a cool chick… relaxed… keepin’ it simple, while also defining my needs in a non-threatening way. He loves that (and truthfully, it makes MY life so much easier to keep drama away from our relationship). 🙂 🙂 Now he could choose to bolt. OR…(and I hope this is the case) he could RESPECT me even MORE for keepin’ it at a zero-pressure level. His choice. (Knowing what I know about ’em, he’ll choose the latter, cuz he’s all about simplicity and he’s a damn smart and awesome person). 🙂

    I’ve thought long and hard about what you and Frank have written to me. I listened to your “Street Games” clips over and over. I totally get it! And I will CONTINUE to read your articles and listen to you clips until it’s drilled into my bad-a*s self. 😉 – – – Damn… seein’ him happy (with me keepin’ it simple/cool/relaxed makes me want to order from the “You’re gonna give it up” side of the menu” – – even if it is from Wendy’s. 😉

    He doesn’t need to call me his “gf” or anythihng like that. That’s just “superfluous”, and isn’t important at this time – – I see that now. I’m totally at peace with it. I stepped back and looked at it, and in the grand scheme of things, it matters not. What’s my rush for commitment, when he and I have a lot of “gettin’ to know each other” to do!! THAT is where it’s at! 🙂

    Do I have feelings for this guy? Hell yeah. Does he have feelings for me? I think he cares very much – – but I’m heeding your advice, Bill, and ALSO staying vigilant, so as not to get all dreamy and shyte. I’m confident that I will NO LONGER find myself seeing the relationship as something it’s NOT… thanx to you!

    Too many of us women see the guy and the relationship as
    “He’s going to see ME and only ME cuz I’m so special. Then we’ll be engaged in six months, and then he’ll marry me, have kids, etc… ” – – a perfect little succession in our own little minds. As you articulated, Bill (to paraphrase ya) Ain’t no way he’s gonna do that without FIRST assessing the situation based on imortant factors such as MERIT, PERSONALITY, RESPECT, etc… Hence my bein’ a cool chick, balanced with sensuality, intellect, and kindness (and by the way, you’re Street Games clip gave me the wonderful idea to buy him dinner – – And yes… I will love him to order from the “You order THAT, and I’m gettin’ laid” side of the menu).

    Hey Bill, you’re the best. If I have a “commitment” to ANYTHING, it’s to reading your stuff and bein’ the coolest chick I can be.

  28. Here’s what happened on Saturday 7/25/2009 …

    11:30 a.m. – Ok, so he called Saturday. And I wasn’t around to answer my phone (was out grabbing a coffee and donut), and I had left my phone at home.

    In his phone message, he said “I was thinkin’ … Do you want to go to the Armenian Festival with me this Sunday? ”

    Ok, so it’s the day before the festival, Bill… no prob… And I’m thinkin’, “Sure that sounds nice. I’d go with ’em”. Very nice gesture on his part. (Particularly since it’s a NON-sex activity!) 🙂

    3:30 p.m. – So I call ’em back 4 hrs later (so as not to seem like I got nothin’ better to do than call ’em back right away – – i.e. I have a life, and I’m living it). And truthfully, I did have alot to do anyway.

    …He didn’t answer his phone (as usual). I didn’t leave a message (as I mentioned before, he says he doesn’t like people to leave messages, so I never do). But I’m thinkin’ “Ok, no prob, my number will, of course, show up in his phone. And he’ll call back later on tonight to solidify plans for Sunday’s Festival.”

    Ok, so everythin’s cool so far, right?

    7:30 p.m. – Four hours later, no call. So I text ’em, just to say, “Returned your call b4. No answer.”

    …I was tired, and then fell asleep with the phone next to me…

    9:30 p.m. – I wake up from my nap. Yyyyawn – – and check my phone and email…
    – – NO CALL, NO TEXT, and NO EMAIL – –


    Ok, so here I am thinkin’, “I’m very happy that he asked me to do something OUTSIDE his home (where sex won’t occur), which is so nice!” 🙂


    By the same token, I’m upset that he didn’t even so much as give me a QUICK phone call to say, “How are ya doin’? So, do ya wanna go to the festival on Sunday? What’s a good time for us to go?” THAT to me, would have been the RIGHT thing to do (or some facsimilie thereof.

    Now Bill… I KNOW you’re going to tell me that “I’m NOT his girlfriend” (which I completely KNOW and understand). And he DOESN’T owe me any explanations. Love to be a “priority” in his life…but I’m not right now. Fine.


    Here’s how I feel – – – – Have the freakin’ courtesy to gimme a quick call and set up a time for our “festival” date on Sunday!

    Now, Bill, I’m NEVER going to say those words to him (just gonna think ’em ;)).


    Here’s my predicto of how the chain of events on Sunday will go down…

    ..HE WILL CALL and he’ll leave a message in my cell saying, “Wonderin’ if you want to go to the festival. Sorry I didn’t call, I just had a buncha business to finish up, and then I was exhausted, etc…).”

    And I will NOT answer my phone when he calls (unless ya think should???).

    Later (on Sun night) I’m going to shoot him a nice email that says this…

    Tried returning your call Saturday re: Armenian Festival/Sun, to solidify plans. Sent text too.

    🙁 Didn’t hear back from you, so I made other arrangements. 🙁 Was looking forward to seeing you. Catch up with ya another time, cutie


    Bill, I want so much to show ’em that I REQUIRE respect… that I’m NOT a last resort woman… etc… My guess is that sending the above email would COMMUNICATE my requirements to him in a kind/nice way????

    I don’t want to enable his current “I’ll call her and she’ll go out with me asap” behavior. . . . . . . . .PARTICULARLY when we DID NOT talk on the phone, email, text, or get together on Thurs or Fri or Sat nite!!!! Cuz damnit, if he DOES see other chix, I am seriously NOT a priority, and that sux).

    Am I going about this in “Bill Cammack” style? Or am I handling this incorrectly???OR do you think I should just shut the f up and actually ANSWER my phone say, “YES” when he calls me today re: the festival?…OR, should I just bitch him out (kidding!!!!!!!! I wouldn’t do that!)


  29. Hey Alexis. Today might be the day when you find out what time it really is… For better or for worse.

    1. You weren’t around to answer your phone – Being that you are on the disadvantaged end of this situation, it’s your job to have your phone on you at all times and ringing LOUDLY so that if you happen to be asleep at 2am, he can call you and you can jump up from your dream and answer it. This is where this entire scenario collapses.

    2. He left you a message – The message he left you was dumb, because now you know where he wants to go today. Unless he told each chick he called a different location, you should be able to catch him at the Armenian Festival with whichever girl replied to him the quickest.

    3. The Armenian Festival is not a non-sex activity. In fact, there’s no interaction between you and him that doesn’t involve sex. There are lots of places in every city in the world to have sex with a chick, so going to the park, a bar or his grandmother’s house doesn’t mean you’re not going to be giving it up.

    4. You called him back four (4) hours later – You played yourself, because y’all aren’t equals in this relationship. Stop reading books about how women carry themselves when they want to make guys do things. All you did was give him four more hours to call other girls and you gave your competition four more hours to reply to him and have him make plans with them instead of you.

    5. He didn’t answer his phone because he already had a date for the next day. There was no reason to talk to you, because all he has to do is keep ignoring you and his Sunday will go right according to plan.

    6. Your number definitely showed up on his phone. Instead of calling him again, you violated your probation by texing him, which he told you not to do. It’s no wonder you didn’t get a response. He would have been rewarding “bad behavior” on your part.

    7. haha You’re really bent on this “Outside his home, where sex won’t occur” idea hahaha. Good Luck with that.

    8. He didn’t ask how you’re doing because he doesn’t care how you’re doing. He didn’t say all the extra stuff because it would have been a waste of his breath to lie to you.

    9. I’ll be surprised if he calls you AT ALL on Sunday, since by my calculations, he’ll be at the Armenian Festival with some other chick.

    I’m going to take some time to really think about this situation, because it’s so TYPICAL for females. If I come up with something good, I’ll post it. If I don’t come up with anything good, I’ll post WHY I couldn’t.

    Essentially, there’s a power structure in any relationship. You have power or you don’t, and if both of you have power, then one has more than the other or it’s equal. With power comes consequences, such as… You didn’t return his call promptly and (up until last night @ 4am) he never called you again. His lack of response to you is a consequence and it exemplifies his power in the situation. You would LIKE to have power, which you call “being respected” or “not ‘just’ being a FWB”, but from everything I’ve read from you, you don’t have any power in this relationship at all and he can “take you or leave you”. This is what I have to think about. I don’t know that there’s a way to get from “no respect” to “respect” without demonstrating personality. There’s no way to demonstrate personality without communication. He clearly doesn’t want to communicate with you other than to check your availability for sexual or “non-sexual” hookups.

    It’s probably in your best interest to forget about the timetable concept I proposed the other day and just make your desires known directly & ASAP. The good thing about this is he either STILL won’t call you back or he’ll tell you flat out he’s not interested in what you’re talking about and then you’ll be mentally free to pursue other guys, attempting to get this ideal relationship you’re looking for.

    I’m really going to have to think about this, because I have ZERO experience with being powerless in a relationship. I’ve given away power for the purpose of letting a chick feel like she has the upper hand, like as a tactic.. but I’ve never been in a situation (I mean, unless you count when I was a kid and didn’t know ANYTHING about chicks) where I just felt like a back-seat driver going along with the flow of whatever SHE wanted from me.

    Hopefully, I’m wrong, being that I don’t know either of you and I’m just guessing at things based on what you’re telling me, but I’m not seeing how you’re ever going to get his home number, much less an exclusive relationship, much less a title of girlfriend, fiancee or wife. Don’t see it. Good Luck!

  30. You wrote: “4. You called him back four (4) hours later – You played yourself, because y’all aren’t equals in this relationship. Stop reading books about how women carry themselves when they want to make guys do things. All you did was give him four more hours to call other girls and you gave your competition four more hours to reply to him and have him make plans with them instead of you.”

    Wow. This sucks. I thought I was doing a “good” thing, and that I was getting the “power” in the relationship by WAITING to call. Shyte! That stinx. I suck at this game.

    And you are right. The only call I got was this a.m. saying that he changed his mind about the Festival because it looked like it was going to rain (it was expected to rain…but it didn’t) – – and he didn’t even modify the plans (so as to ask me to dinner or nearby or somethin’) – – zippo. Buncha bullshyte.

    I texted a few moments later him saying “Got plans with friends. Looks like a beautiful day… Keeping my fingers crossed that it will remain sunny! Be good!”
    (It’s not Texts that he doesn’t want from me. It’s voice mails. He doesn’t mind the texts – – he just doesn’t really like gettin’ into texts too much himself).

    He immediately texted me saying, “Have fun”… and that was that.

    So, yes, I agree with ya. He probably went to the Festival with another chick. Probably made the plans yesterday (Saturday) when I waited the FOUR hours to call ’em back.

    Oh well.

  31. You wrote: “1. You weren’t around to answer your phone – Being that you are on the disadvantaged end of this situation, it’s your job to have your phone on you at all times and ringing LOUDLY so that if you happen to be asleep at 2am, he can call you and you can jump up from your dream and answer it. This is where this entire scenario collapses.

    Is it really my job? That’s crap! LOL. I’m not doin’ that. LOL! I’m not always available, damnit. And no way am I going to jump for any guy (as I have in recent past).

    I agree with you that WAITING to call does NOT give me power in the relationship, since I am already at a disadvantage. However, it felt REALLY good to WAIT because it gave me a massive feeling of EMpowerment. I liked the feeling. Tho I know he could give a shyte, it’s not about him anymore. It’s about me. 🙂

    I thank you for your comments!!!! You’re right on the money! You’re amazing, Bill.
    I hope the f*cker had fun with the other chick.

  32. He called me this morning from his workplace. Said I texted “very nice things to him about ‘missing him… and missing his kisses’. I asked him (half jokingly)… am I your gf? He said, “Yes, between you and I…I am your boyfriend and you are my girlfriend”. (the “between-you-and-I” thang sucks, cuz there’s no “defensive” position to the public, which says, “lay off… she’s my girl”, but oh well, Bill. Can’t have it all right now. Too early in the relationship).

    Whilst still on the phone this morn, I then said that not letting the public know that I’m his gf is “ordinarily” a sign that “we’re both still ON THE MARKET”. He didn’t say much to that except, “oh really?”, in a cute way (like as if he was smiling on the phone).

    I then stated (in a cute/half-joking/not-nagging way), “It usually means that I am one of many”. He said, “You are not one of many”. I said (kinda cute/half-jokingly), “OK, so maybe I’m one of two?”. And he said, “No. You are not one of two.” That’s good (unless he’s lying?). I’d like to think he’s not… so I’m gonna trust him on this one… for awhile… until I revisit the “timetable” discussion with ’em in about one or two months.

    I sent him a song that reminds me of him when we kiss. He sent me a text that said “those were very heartfelt words” and that it was “very nice song”. I wish he said that the song also reminds him of me. But he didn’t. Ok, so I can’t have it all at this stage in the relationship. It’s only been two months and one week.

    He asked me if it is ok if he “calls me tonight” and I said yes. That makes me happy.

    I know he really likes me… and ok, perhaps there ARE more chix???? I truly don’t think there are more chix, Bill.

    So, my plan: I’m gonna lay off the gf/bf label crap for now (for atleast two months). I’m also going to lay off the “scheduled plan for timetable of requirements from me” thang, till I deem it necessary.

    Good part is, we communicated about this past weekend. He said that he was busy finishing a ton of household chores and work stuff. I believe him. He said he would have liked to have lunch with me (even tho we didn’t get to go to the festival). I believe that too.

    Anyway, I will always remain vigilent. I will not get too dreamy (although I do see stars when I think of him). Sometmes I think I rush things way to much.

  33. Alexis relax…He did not take that “other chick” chick to the festival!!! He took her elsewhere…
    ****just kidding (kinda)****
    Srsly, I have a history in which if I call a current for some kind of activity and she doesnt respond I might make other plans. nothing personal but maybe he needed an immediate answer or in the wait, a better offer came up. and i dont mean better as in sum chick saying that if i come over i can do wahtever to her while she hangs off the light fixtures… it could just be a good bud who thought that on such a nice day a cold brew would be good. Now on to the bigger issue!
    I fuly believe that the problem here is your inability to just go with the flow (even though in your last posting you said you were no longer attached to a time frame)! What happens when you are at a bar/club and last call is called out? Everyone rushes to get their last drink even if they arent thirsty at that moment. Have you ever gone out and said “I have to be up early so I’ll be leaving by so&so time”. so as a result you wind up eating a lil faster than usual and drining less. What im getting at is that once you set up a time frame, you alter what would have been your normal routine/instincts. Say you tell him that he has until December to get his feelings for you properly categorized and equally exhibited… Fast forward to mid November… Now he finds that he likes being around you and really enjoys YOU the person BUT is fully aware the december is right around the corner BUT is not comfortable with being told how he must start to behave. Assuming he was never the type to “officially” announce his now committed relationship to any one, december is just another reason to resent YOU the NAG for not being open minded enough to realize that time frames and proclamations are not necessary. So now instead of inviting you places or wanting to spend some time with you, I/he starts to find reasons to be out on the town or home or at the movies without you! After all December is rolling around and not only may I not have what you want to hear ready to say BUT what if I am ready, YOU no longer want to hear it!!! Time frames are for jobs…you know what time to start and you know what time you end! Deadlines are for extended relationships that never seem to be moving anywhere and NOT for casual convesration weeks into our tryst. I can deal with a deadline after some time invested (meanin monthsssssssssssssss) and not after 2 months. and FYI: if we only been dating for 2 months, we have only RECENTLY started dating. That first month and a 1/2 we were just seeing each other and that means that im under no obligation to invite you out with my friends. ALL LADIES and MEN: If you been “dating” someone for all of 3 months and were not invited to that wedding/bbq/cruise/trip to the movies/casinos… DO NOT GET PISSY ABOUT IT! Chances are he/she had a life before you met and therfore has plans that were already in effect!! If you meet some one whose calendar is blank enough to fit you in at ALL times get the dinner or sex or whatever it is you wanted, AND RUN!
    Back to Alexis: Bill is the Dating Genius Im just Frank the Bartender… My job is to charge for the drink but dispense the advise for free. Well in your case Im suspending the tab because I dont think you want to hear what i have to say.That piece of raw chicken on your kitchen counter has a longer shelf life than your prospects of being the one. Grab a drink and a quickie and cut your losses.

  34. I’m not sure how right you are about the “raw chicken” analogy thang. But sure, I won’t make a deadline. I’ll chill. Dude, people become “the one” all the time. My prospects AT THIS TIME are pretty much stinky. But over time, one never knows. 🙂

  35. See? 😀 .. This is what makes women so easy to cheat on. Y’all insist on brainwashing yourselves into believing in the outcome you ultimately desire. In the meantime, the guy does whatever he wants.

    Let’s try to look at the important issue here…

    Your entire goal, as I’ve read it from what you wrote, is to eventually be in an EXCLUSIVE relationship with this guy. By definition, what you want is to be the only woman having sex with him. He just told you he’s not having sex with any other women and you’ve elected to believe him. You know what that means? That means that right this instant, you already have the relationship you’re looking to have with him.

    According to you, he’s not screwing any other chicks. According to you, he did chores all day instead of calling you up to have sex, which also explains why he couldn’t/wouldn’t return your calls/texts all day.

    Basically, there are three potential outcomes here:

    1. You keep giving it up and he decides you’re the one and y’all go exclusive.
    2. You keep giving it up and he never commits and you keep giving it up.
    3. You keep giving it up until he doesn’t want it anymore and dumps you.

    Those don’t hold equal percentage chances of occurring, but if they did, the only one you’d be happy with, according to what you’ve written, is #1, which is only 33% likely. Unfortunately, you don’t even have any control over that 33%, because it’s all up to whatever he says. Is there a possibility you’ll end up with him happily ever after? Yes. A slight one. There’s a much better chance that you’ll end up feeling hurt. Good Luck.

    “BACK IN THE DAYYYYY…” I used to date multiple chicks with no problem, like actually DATE them, meaning they were all my girlfriends and everybody I knew knew it. We’d travel to one spot and I’d hang with my girlfriend over there. Another spot and I’d be with that local girlfriend. No problem. As a matter of fact, now that we’re on the topic, tactics like you were trying just make things easier for guys to juggle chicks.

    That’s why I know it was a bad idea for him to invite you somewhere specific. He should have invited you to chill during that period of time and reserved the location for whether you said you would go or not. Anyway.. My point is that everything you’ve said so far puts you right into that “one of the girlfriends” category, so your only two wins here are LUCK or demonstrating some kind of personality that makes him select you over any other chicks he might already have or be working on at this point in time.

    So my advice to you is similar to Frank’s. Have fun while it lasts, and try not to feel too hurt if it doesn’t work out, because from where I’m sitting, the odds of your ever becoming exclusive with him are pretty poor.

  36. He called me twice yesterday. Once in the a.m. to say good morn. And then once at nite to say “sweet dreams”. 🙂 We are planning on going to karaoke so I can sing to him. 🙂 That will be fun.

    I like the friendship aspect of a relationship. Plus I get to bring him into my world (the karaoke bars, where I luv to sing)!!!


  37. Bill,

    What do you do when you don’t have much in common with someone? Can you write an article about this? I’d love to know more about how “you” handle this part. It’s hard for me because it seems I cannot find things for us to do. I love golf and volleyball, he doesn’t. He loves football and sailing, I don’t. Do people without commonalities have successful relationships?


    1. Hey Alexis. 🙂

      I’m going to do just what you suggested and write an article about this subject…

      Personally, all I need in common with a chick is that I think she’s HAWT, sexy, intelligent or interesting. I don’t really care what we do. It’s always going to end up the same way, with us relating to each other and expressing how we feel towards each other, verbally or physically.

      If a chick wants to play golf, fine. I’ll hit the ball in the woods and then when she drives me over there in the little cart to try to find it, she’s gonna get it in the bushes hahaha 😀

      Since you like golf, you might want to check out my GolfGirl series:

      Anyway, yeah, I’ll write about that. People without commonalities can have successful relationships if there’s an overriding factor, which is normally that she turns him on and he wants to hit it. Everything else is entirely incidental.

      I’ll go to a broadway play with a chick if she’s hawt to me… well… if SHE’S paying for it! 😀

  38. Ok, so I’m new to this blog and find it so insightful! I’m extremely guilty of not going with the flow.. In past relationships, the creme usually did just rise to the top and quickly :D. I loved knowing almost scary soon that I was the gf! But… Looking back I also see the pattern in the guy I was attracting.. Handsome,sexy, attentive, controlling.. Lol.
    Anywhoo, I’m experiencing a different kind of man now. He was sweating me hard for the longest but I was seeing someone casually as I had not too long before that got out of a LTR.. ( We’re coworkers with a really close mutual friend ) I noticed him when I first went to work there but I was attached and he was too Later finding out were both in LTR’s. Fast forward a couple years and that’s where the “sweating started” I told him about the guy I was seeing and he backed off but made it no secret he was still interested. So when the last guy and I parted ways I called new guy and so it started.. Crazy sexy, not too possessive, hella funny and made it clear with words and actions that he liked me.. A lot. Two great months later he starts “going through a lot of stress”. IMO old chick comes back in the picture.. He tries to figure out what he wants to do ( I’ve been this chick b4).. And he does enough to keep me hanging on for about a month but was not acting like he was.. Not even close. The last week during this stress of his, I was like forget this. Erased his number, pictures, and deleted him as my facebook friend. Said I cared about him and will be just his friend.. Lol Of course 2 weeks later he feels so much better and he’s back.. Misses me, continuing with his normal demeanor wanting to pick back up.. I hesitated and after giving dig after dig on what had transpired we started again.. it’s been really cool the past 6 wks or so but my trust isn’t the same.. The momentum slowed but I’m crazy about him.. He started acting a tad jealous the other day as I had plans with another friend. So, I came out and said ” look, I know I’m looking to eventually be in a relationship. Is this what you’re looking to be in?” He seems shocked I asked and He said that he usually just goes with the flow and that he has been through a lot lately (said “stress” and his grandfather just died) but that in the near future that he does want a SO and he wouldn’t be dating me now if he didn’t think of me in that way.. That was yesterday evening. Haven’t heard from him at all today. Did I mess it up?

    1. Hey Elizabeth. Thanks for the comments. 🙂

      Nah. You didn’t mess anything up. The only way I could see you messing this up is if you got out of shape or there was a drastic change in your personality.

      I agree with your call that either the former chick resurfaced or he got a new chick, resulting in his temporary lack of attention. As with most guys that aren’t used to juggling chicks, as soon as one of them retreats, it’s like HOLD UP NOW!!! and it’s time for him to get back in your good graces.

      First of all, he’s been waiting a long time to get with you, so he’s probably not outside of that honeymoon period yet. He’s probably not aware enough yet of what he feels about BEING with you as opposed to WANTING you. He’ll probably be a little more mentally/emotionally stable after he’s gotten used to you.

      Meanwhile, the ball seems to be completely in your court. He was half-steppin’ and you bounced immediately and erased him. He knows that could happen at any time now. That’s good for you. 😀

      Also, he’s the one that came crawling back, and he’s not going to be able to forget that. Even if y’all started out on even terms, both being in relationships and then both becoming single, once it broke up, HE was the one to come crawling, so he’s at a disadvantage from now on.

      I think the only real question here is whether you were serious when you said “I’m looking to eventually be in a relationship”. First of all, eventually could be tomorrow or next year or in 2012. Depending on how far away that deadline is, there’s lots of time to have fun with you before releasing you to chase your life’s dream of being in a “relationship”. The point I’ve been making lately is that there’s no reason to bring these things up unless a timetable is necessary. For instance, let’s say that one of my requirements for taking on a girlfriend is that I intend to have no fewer than six kids with her. I need to bring that up AHEAD OF TIME so she can BOUNCE if that’s not in her future plans. 😀 … Meanwhile, If I don’t actually care how many kids I have, including ZERO, there’s no point in my bringing the subject up. Same deal for the ultimately meaningless attribution of a title to what’s an already well-functioning relationship.

      As far as him not talking to you at all today, he’s probably not ready to talk to you yet. *NOW*, he has to weigh the pros of calling you up to get some with the cons of the fact that you might bring up this “heavy” conversation again. Believe it or not, haha, avoiding “the talk” can easily trump getting laid, so you might not hear from him until he’s ready to deal with the issue you placed on the table.

      On top of that, he might have no idea what his future plans are for you or he might not HAVE any future plans. He might be rolling with “it is what it is” and as long as he’s with you, he’s with you and when you bounce, it’s over. It’s also possible that he’s thinking about making it “official” with you, but he wants to be SURE that he wants to go that route, because if he says “Yes” now and finds out down the line that he doesn’t really feel that way, he’s going to bend your relationship in a way that can’t get unbent.

      Overall, I think you’re good for now.. Just make sure that you really think things out before tossing something to the effect of “I don’t want to waste my time with you if we’re not going to do XYZ in the future” to a guy. Some guys aren’t very good at knowing themselves and some guys aren’t good at thinking in general. If you hang the computer, you might need to reboot. Nah Meen? 😀

      1. Hm. But guys who are good at knowing themselves and good at thinking in general are a hell of a lot more attractive than guys who don`t.

        1. Well.. 😀 That’s why it’s in his best interest to get back to her sooner rather than later. Most of the time, the fact that you have to think about something means you never thought about it before. Or, if you HAVE thought about it, it wasn’t important enough to warrant your full attention to come to some sort of conclusion.

          One of my beliefs about guys is that we do the least bit possible to get what we want. In my case, I can pick up girls by just looking at them. I don’t even have to bother smiling. So, I’m not naturally inclined to corral one into some sort of exclusive relationship, because who knows who I’m going to meet tomorrow? 😀

          In most cases, for guys, it’s first things first, meaning get the functionality and then decide if you want to keep her. The “keep her” part doesn’t even occur to us until we’re sufficiently satisfied with her long enough to feel like we might want to stay with her instead of what’s behind curtain #3… or #4 or #12 or #125.

          This is why “the talk” is often tough for guys to have. They’re just going with the flow, enjoying their girlfriend, and all of a sudden, she wants some kind of guarantees about what he’s going to do in the future. If he tells her he’s not sure, she might start dating other guys and he loses exclusive access. If he tells her he wants her, but he knows he’s “meh” about the concept, he’s risking leading her on and then coming up with some kind of “I can’t do this anymore… It’s not you, it’s me” statement and breaking her heart.

          Having said that… This is assuming that he thinks about things like this at all. 😀 Historically, it’s been tough for me to think as someone else who has a different mental capacity. I treat everyone as if they can do the same things I can do and come to the same conclusions I can. I actively work against that when I’m blogging, but mentally, it’s always there.

          There are lots of situations where the guy isn’t thinking AT ALL and he’s totally unprepared to have “the talk” or any other talk, for that matter. From my point of view, it’s in a gal’s best interest to SKATE from that situation sooner rather than later, because eventually, there’s going to be a monumental “non-think” that he does that’s going to have negative consequences.

          Frankly, his response to “I’m looking to eventually be in a relationship” should have been “ME TOO!!! :D”, which would have avoided the situation altogether. However, I’m sure he wasn’t prepared and is now in the mode of regrouping and deciding how he’s going to deal with this new development.

  39. Thanks so much for your insight! It really is helpful heatring things from a non female 3rd party who’s not trying to hook up with me and tell me bulls***! haha
    Well I sent him a message last evening just saying hello. He said he was just laying down so I was like please go back to bed and he called me a few min later. We talked for an hour or so but nothing really about the prior conversation. Just cut up and enjoyed the time. Got my good morning message today too… It’s very fair for him to think that I may start seeing other people if this isn’t something he’s looking for overall.. That is just what I’ll do. He always mentions how much he respects that “I keep it 100”. He really liked that I wouldn’t talk to him when I was seeing the other guy. (eventhough he ((new guy)) would’ve been a much better choice overall) I’m probably loyal to a fault.. However I think i’m quite attractive and never feel like he’s my last option… 😀 He’s def my number pick right now though and I’d really like to stay in the progression of making it a go of it.. I know him enough to know he’s wanting to stay in control and I have that tendance as well.. Lol we’ll see but I’m going to try and relax for a bit.. I just don’t want to push him away if he’s really trying to progress..

  40. I’m sorry I couldn’t resist!!! It is guys like you that lose a grip when girls like me(who would never call any guy her boyfriend) Cause I ain’t going any further then buddies!!! Maybe booty maybe not!!! But personally wouldn’t want to wake up and listen to any of you daily!!!

    1. lol Thanks for the comment, Darlene! 😀

      Don’t know what you mean by “lose a grip”… You might mean “lose our minds”, you might mean “has a field day” (as in, a good time), you might mean “spend all your money” (“grip” is one of the NYC slang terms for a lot of money.

      Personally, I rather enjoy women that aren’t needy and clingy. It’s like, “um.. Get YOUR OWN LIFE?.. and let’s get together when we both feel like it”. It’s a drag when guys have to trade off spending quality time with a gal for hours of babysitting her so she does the right thing.

      So keep doin’ You, Darlene! haha Cheers! 😀

  41. Bill, thank you for having the balls to be real. I am very interested in your opinion of my current situation. I have been kickin it with this dude for 4yrs. We met in a class & started chillin and hooked up.

    From the start I was never his “girl” and he has aways had the upper hand. He’s hot and cold. Last month he told me he’s not my man. Big fight, he calls 3 weeks later wanting sex. I turned him down only bang him the next time we hung out. Meanwhile, he moved across the city and didnt even tell me in the interum!

    Monday we had plans and he didnt call so I texted twice. He left a voicemail being nasty and tellin me his busy & I gotta wait!

    I take full responsibility for allowing myself to be played. I know I’m attractive & am a successful business owner. He’s hot & all but mostly I was attracted to being rejected.

    Anyway, my question is, after all my doormat behavior, is their any way to save face with him or will he always think he’s better than me? I dont even want to have a relationship anymore I just want to make him realise that I finally see his manipulations and thats the only reason he got so much time out of a successful hottie such as myself.

    BTW, lying to smart people doesnt make you smarter than them or dumber. It just means your more dishonest. Intellect has nothing to do with it. In his case, if he spent his brain energy on more positive endevors, maybe he would make as much $$$ as I do!

    1. Hey Alexandra. Thanks for the props and the question. 🙂

      Actually, what you bring up is really interesting…

      Obviously, I don’t know you and I don’t know him, so I’m going to make some general remarks which might have absolutely nothing to do with your situation or what he thinks.

      You’ve already been messing with him for four years with no verbal commitment from him as far as a relationship or fidelity. In that time, I’m sure he’s come up with a good idea of who he thinks you are.

      I don’t think your giving it up a week after you didn’t give it up is relevant to anything, not over the course of a four-year relationship.

      As far as “saving face” with him, I don’t think you have any personal say over who or what he considers you to be. What I mean by that is that I don’t think holding out on him when he called you for sex after the argument caused him to say “Man, She’s a tough cookie!” 😀 .. That’s why I don’t think giving it up the next week made him say “Yeah, She’s jocking me.” I think he already has his perception of who you are and each interaction with you is added to your four-year-long resume.

      Women in general tend to do things specifically so that guys THINK a certain way about them, whether that concept is true or not. A gal might want to give you some the first time she meets you, but since she doesn’t want you to “think she’s a slut“, she refuses to do what she’s obviously thinking about doing and wanting to do. The reason I bring this up is that whatever he THINKS about what happened between the two of you over the last four years has nothing to do with the facts.

      The facts appear to be that you’ve had sex with him a bunch of times. You don’t have any actual say over what he thinks about that or how he feels about that. Maybe he feels like you’re really cool for not nagging him about being in a committed relationship. Maybe he thinks you were/are an easy lay. Either way, unless he’s willing to tell you the truth about what he feels about you, you’re never going to know anyway, so it seems to be something that’s not worth wasting your time, energy and emotions thinking about.

      If he thinks you’re a ho and he wants to have sex with you ever again in life, he’s going to deny that. If he thinks you’re really cool and hopes you’re always going to be a part of his life, he may or may not admit that as well.

      It seems that you’re hoping that he sees you as a peer. He may or may not have EVER seen you as a peer. That’s another thing that has no bearing on the truth. You might be smarter than him and he thinks you’re dumber. If you’re more successful than he is, that should be determined by purchasing power, so, at least he shouldn’t be able to deny that.

      I suppose, ultimately, you can probably get him to SAY whatever you want to hear. I’m not so much a fan of getting people to answer questions where the “right” answer is obvious. I’m more interested in people volunteering information, such as if he were to say to you out of the blue that you’re so cool or smart or intelligent or whatever. If him saying something gives you closure on the issue, I suppose it’s worthwhile for the emotional value.

      Good Luck! 😀

      1. Status-quo, most of the time there is nothing you could do about it! Like Bill pointed out, I dont know either one of you as well BUT I do have a ‘Back in the day’ true story.

        I have known this one female for the last 8 years. Our ‘relationship’ consisted of being comfortable with each other so much so that we actually liked hanging out and going for drinks so often that others thought we were an item. The truth was that we were just FWB in a LT (friends with benefits in a long term). Sex was great and even continued when she was with some one and def when she was single. Our mutual friends were always amazed at how compatible we were as a ‘couple’ when in fact what they saw was the comfort we had between us. A comfort that was attainable only through our understanding of what our roles where in this FWB-LT situation. The problems and the demise of this occured about three years back. She knew her role, I knew mine and we both played ours like we were All-Stars about to make the Hall of Fame. That is until enough of her friends put it in her ear that if we were compatible to such extremes we should just go ahead and be a couple. Once she started listening, it became an issue. not to say that under different circumstances i may not have made the effort but in my mind… She was, what she was1 That broken in sweatshirt that I should have gotten rid of years ago but havent. She was that bacon double cheese burger that I enjoyed after 2 weeks of restaurant and/or healthy home cooked meals. She was that cold beer that I would enjoy after an evening of stuffy wine sipping boredom i just spent with some other person. Mentally speaking she was comfort but she was not a necessity. Sound unfair and I woukld say that it was VERY unfair but who we were to each other was so a part of my social make-up that instead of seeing the upside in this all I could see was how she was willing to ruin our friendship over this petty an issue. In my mind she was the greatest thing she could be in my life, a friend. sounds corny, sounds stupid, and probably sounds like a guy who is trying to get over but its non of the above. Its just that this went on long enough with out having to define any parameters that when suddenly cornered, I had nothing to go on. It was never spoken of. It was never joked about. I had no built up ideas on how to proceed. There was no fire escape plan since we both never thought there would be a fire.

        In my case a little over 5 years and in yours 4, menatlly i wasnt prepared to change my perception of what our relationship was. Like the saying goes, first impressions are hard to change. its almost the same thing. Cant speak for the male in your life but this was just a little something to digest.

  42. Bill & Frank, thank you both. Frank, you are so right about the comfort thing. I wanted a relationship so badly that I was willing to settle for less right from the onset. Alot of what I’ve been struggling with is the fact that I was feeling lazy about having to go find someone else. Not that its hard to meet guys, but like you said, its comfortable.

    Bill, what helped most was what you said about his perception of me and reality. It’s so true. I was so focused on trying to make him see that he was lucky to be that I didnt even notice that I was settling for him.

    If he had a total change of heart and really wanted a serious relationship with me, the truth is I wouldn’t even be interested anymore because then I’d put us on the scales and he’d come up a little light. I dont even want a relationship with him is the real truth. I just wanted him to want one. Crazy huh?!

    Thanks again to you both for the insight. Time for some new men! 🙂

    1. You’re welcome, Alexandra. 🙂

      People waste a lot of time and energy on things they might be able to affect but can’t definitely CHANGE. If you want someone to see you as a great woman, you have to BE a great woman and make sure they see you BEING a great woman. If you do that, then MAAAAAAYBE they will come to their own conclusion that you ARE a great woman.

      There’s nothing you can do to dictate to someone else that “they think you are great”, therefore, it’s a nice dream, but it’s a waste of your time and ultimately depressing as they don’t seem to “get it” again and again.

      A female friend told me one time that if ‘this and that’, she would beat up the guy she was dating at that time. I happened to know that this was a PHYSICAL impossibility, as I had dated her in the past and was fully aware of how physical she was able to be. There was no way AT ALL that she would have been able to “beat up” her boyfriend, who was bigger than her, stronger than her and had had way more fights than she had had in her lifetime.

      I could have wasted my time getting her to “see” that she might have been able to lay hands on him and maybe even get off a few punches if he elected not to kick her ass, but that ultimately, her words were meaningless as far as beating him up. It would have been a waste of time, because a) I knew she wasn’t actually going to hit him in the first place, having dated her and knowing how violent she was or wasn’t, and b) her mental state depended upon BELIEVING that she COULD beat him up if she felt like it.

      Challenging her mental state would have resulted in an argument that would have taken way longer to resolve than listening to her bogus story about what she might do to her boyfriend, so I let her keep talking. If she had told me she was walking out the door to GO beat him up, I would have stopped her for her own safety and well-being and set her straight.

      Similarly, Alexandra.. Attempting to make some guy believe something he may or may not actually believe about you is a tough row to hoe. Ultimately, what he believes doesn’t matter AT. ALL. because as soon as you’re on to someone better who appreciates you without your having to MAKE HIM appreciate you, this current guy will be dust in the wind.

  43. OK, I have known about/been reading your blog from time to time for a while now and I really
    appreciate your honest explanations of wtf guys are doing. Women are supposed to be the
    confusing ones but I swear men are just as, if not more, confusing. Anyway, I really wanted to get your input on my weird situation. I apologize for this being a short novel…it’s very strange to me and very drawn out.

    So, I first met this guy back in the middle of June (5 months ago) and I have never been so
    confused/ into someone before. Maybe I should say how we met even though I am a little
    embarrassed…met on an online dating thing which I had never done before but it was not
    weird at all. I was cautious about meeting him the first time but we ending up talking and
    walking around and kissing and it was pretty perfect. The second time we hung out we were
    very open with each other about everything and at one point when i asked what he was thinking he said “about how i want to have sex with you haha…i don’t mean it in a bad way but it’s like as soon as i meet a girl I’m thinking is this someone i would want to sleep with.” I thought it was honest and I respect that but I did make it clear I wouldn’t sleep with him for a while especially because I was about to go away for a month in a couple weeks.

    Knowing all this, he still saw me a third time before I went away and we went parking. We did not have any type of sex although I won’t say we didn’t have any fun. It was fun being together and so spontaneous (he literally drove 20 mins to get me in the middle of the night to go). We also went on one “real” date before I had to go away. We went to the movies and he paid (well claimed he forgot his debit card and then i used the machine and he gave me cash which I still think is a little weird). Anyway, the movie we
    saw was horrible but it didn’t matter lol sitting next to each other for that long without being all over each other was pretty difficult.On the way back from the movie he got pulled over for a speeding ticket which is probably like the ultimate test of both of our personalities in a stressful situation but he stayed cool and I also did not even get upset because I was with him. He just has this power over me that no other guy has ever had where I just feel calm and happy and relaxed while I’m with him instead of feeling like I have to tell him what to do or give him an attitude for no reason. I have no clue why I feel like that with some people. Anyway, after the ticket incident he parked in a parking lot and we
    were making out and all I want to say is he is really not selfish…and I still did not have
    any type of sex with him.

    Ok, so I left for my trip and was gone for about 5 weeks. At first I had no phone to use so we communicated through e-mails and he pretty much got back to me every day. As soon as I had a number up and running where I was, I called him we began leaving each other messages every day. We talked a couple of times but the time difference made that hard plus, the messages were something to look foward to for both of us. Sometimes he would call and leave 2 or 3 messages in a row about what he was doing or how he was on break or how he was going to stay in because he didn’t feel like going out, etc. I didn’t assume he was only talking to me or anything like that but I did start to get really into him when he started saying he missed me towards the end of my trip.

    I came home from my trip and I think it was the very next day that he was working near where
    I live so he called me on his break and left a voicemail (he only calls/leaves voicemails very rarely he prefers only texting ugh idk why) seeing if I wanted to meet him after. I was
    so excited and of course I wanted to see him. We met up in a nearby park and he was doing all of the cutest things like hugging me and telling me how much he missed me. We were making out and everything felt so right then he really wanted to have sex but he didn’t have a condom so that was a definite “no” which he didn’t seem to get upset about but then he unexpectedly did something for me I then felt like I had to return…like I said this guy is not selfish at all so I didn’t want to be. He said that although he was talking to other girls he wasn’t getting with any of them (which he also said was the case while I was gone) but idk about believing this i just laugh it off. Honestly,during these 5 months I have even gotten with someone else..2 other people…and I do not think I even live a very
    exciting life.

    Things were going well. One day he drove up to see me just to see me and kiss me for about 20 mins because we both had other stuff to do.About a week or two later we had a really awkward night where he came and got me from where I was late at night and we went and sat and talked outside for a while…then went and parked…then he really wanted to take me to his apartment but here is the awkward part. He was still living with his ex gf basically until their lease was up. (lame!) But I really like him….so we went to the apartment (bad idea i know) because she was away for the weekend (and supposedly not living there anyway but i think she was). Anyway, I felt so
    uncomfortable being in there around another woman’s things and I saw a photo of them so I
    freaked on the inside and shut down basically. He saw this and he told me he knew it was a bad idea and we could just go and we both just felt really awkward about it. So we went back to parking lmao and stuff happened but I refused to have regular sex with him because I wasn’t ready, especially after what had just happened. He denied he was still with his ex and admitted how awkward things were but I wasn’t so sure about everything…

    About a month went by where we talked off and on but I put zero effort into it and started seeing someone else in my free time instead of him. He never really tried to see me during this time although he did still text me almost every day…even though I thought it was pretty obvious I didn’t care since I waited about 4 hours to answer or didn’t at all sometimes. I think he left me some voicemails during this time too to see what I was doing.

    After this sort of break period we started seeing each other again when I met him after work again and we made out in the same park. By this time he had moved out of the apartment but says he is now living with a friend and cannot have anyone over since it’s with their family which I find suspicious but his life is so weird I might believe it. He drove up to see me one night and again things got messed up for us and we didn’t have reg. sex. ****oh yeah I never explained I am a student and live with my parents still that is why we are always forced to go parking, etc. (lame i know)

    Finally, the golden opportunity arose where I was home alone and I had him come over. yet again, things got messed up. He claimed to have forgotten condoms which I didn’t believe and said point blankly, “or you just didn’t want to use them so you didn’t bring them.” Which he denied and said he had one siting out but then
    forgot it. Anyway, I didn’t have any either so again… still waiting.

    The last time I saw him was about a week or two after he came to my house when he was up working by me he got off early to see me. We were in his car and making out and he said how he wanted to do whatever u call it on here really really bad. But then he said something that really surprised me. He said he can’t believe we’ve waited so long but that maybe it’s a good thing. I was thinking, “is he crazy”?

    Anyway with all this said I am so confused. He will do very cute things like text me every
    single morning to see if I am up and throughout the workday. His actions are extremely confusing like when he was over he was the one who made snuggling time before he left, etc. Since I first met him he made it clear he doesn’t like to rush into being someone’s “boyfriend” and having to meet their family and everything because in the past he feels like he did that too soon and things got messed up. I understand this and I myself am afraid of too much commitment/being smothered. However, I would appreciate going on another real date which I have made clear several times. And not anything fancy or him paying necessarily which I also mentioned. Despite my mentioning this he still seems to be too busy for me every weekend…it’s been a month since he’s seen me.

    I’m sure he’s getting with other people and I don’t really care about that too much since I have done the same but, it does hurt that he won’t take me out for real again. I asked him if I embarrass him is that why he won’t and he said “no” and that he will but that was a month ago. I haven’t asked him to keep texting me every day and to call me when he was bored at work one day and talk to me for two hours but he has and he acts like he wants me around but I don’t know why. I asked him and he said it’s because he likes me but I told him he’s just messing with me because he knows how much I like him. Every day I basically am saying the same thing, “you need to see me and do me finally so I can move on and get over you.” Or we will kind of text-argue over stuff bc I feel like i am there for him but he is not there for me and he will say that I make things too complicated and he likes to go with the flow and see what happens. No matter how honest I am with him, how nice, how caring, or how much I want to see him, it’s like he enjoys keeping me at some weird distance. He tells me about his friends and I know some of their names but I doubt I’ll ever meet any since he doesn’t seem to have time to see me. So I’m just wondering what this guy is doing….!! Why keep me around if you’r not even using me for sex??? Why tell me about your friends, about work, about random things if you don’t really want to be close? Why let me keep hanging on when I specifically asked you not to hurt me and you said you wouldn’t ever try to? Why keep a girl waiting who you know wants to sleep with you asap? I really truly don’t believe that the ex girlfriend has to do with it or that they’re still together and I think I believe his weird living situations but this is just making me nuts. It would all be easier if he didn’t make me so happy when he leaves voicemails saying he misses and or texts me “good morning” but I guess I am really easy to get to and he knows it. I don’t know what to do anymore… should I just give up and avoid him or still keep hoping he will come around and come get me so things can finally happen?

    1. 😉

      I was going to to get into a very detailed explanation revolving the whole nothing of it looks like a duck and walks like a duck… But I wont.

      The whole living someplace where its too uncomfortable to bring you, (quack quack) is a major excuse. Been there done that. (Yearssssssss back)After living on my own for years i was forced to move in with my mom for about 3 months. Company still came over they just stayed in the living room. I once had a room mate who i also “knew” on a VERY “personal” level… Company still came over, blahblahblah. I allowed company to come over while my roomie was there to avoid the appearance of (quack quack) any inapproriate behavior. If at that point my company decided they no longer wanted to come over fine, but I never said you cant right now because (quack quack) my roomie is there.
      Im going to disregard all the above because you said something else that has me kind of baffled…
      You said “or you just didn’t want to use them so you didn’t bring them.” regarding the condoms. Uhm, being that its 2009 and the whole STD thing… My question to you is do you REALLY want to have sex with him? If your answer is yes, what has stopped YOU from providing the condoms??? Condoms are like towels, a his and HERS thing. And while we are on the subject… are there no hotels that HE can take you so that the 2 of you can use the condoms YOU provided???

      Just curious!

      1. Hey Anna. 🙂 Thanks for the “Novel”. I honestly appreciate it and I’m going to try to comment on it realistically.

        First of all, Frank brings up a point that I was going to bring up. Condoms aren’t just his responsibility. They’re yours as well. A friend of mine who likes to get laid not only has a ton of condoms at her crib, but carries them in her purse, just in case.

        Having said that, not having condoms is RETARDED for a guy. I think everybody from junior high school up knows that one of the major roadblocks to sex other than a chick claiming that she’s on her period is not wanting to do it without a condom. If he were serious about having sex with you, he would have condoms ON. HIS. PERSON. at all times when he’s around you. On top of that, you’ve been spending a lot of time in his car. If he’s not going to have them on him, he should have them in his glove compartment. This leads us to point #2…

        Guys that don’t have condoms on them sometimes don’t have them because…..


        They can’t AFFORD to get CAUGHT with them by their GIRLFRIENDS, *ESPECIALLY* if they LIVE. WITH. THEIR. GIRLFRIENDS.

        There is no such thing as “My ex girlfriend, I just haven’t moved out yet”. There IS such a thing as trying to get some on the side behind my girlfriend’s back. Unfortunately, this leads us to point #3, which Frank brought up…

        Here in NYC, there are lots of hotels where you can rent rooms at hourly rates. Back in the day, if you had a car, you could take a girl to The Whitestone (some hotel or motel near the Whitestone Bridge. I probably don’t have the name right being that I didn’t have a car and I didn’t have a need to drive chicks to hotels to have sex with them). If you didn’t have a car, you could walk her ass to The Franklin, which was a pretty nasty establishment, but served the purpose of getting her alone so you could do whatever you were going to do. I wasn’t personally that fancy to take chicks to hotels and would most often make use of the stairwell, hallway or bathroom that was nearest to the party where I met her where I could get some privacy with her. If it’s light stuff, like making out, I’m not likely to extract the chick anywhere at all. I’ll just make out with her right there, regardless of who’s checking out the action.

        Anyway…… The point is that there are a ton of excuses why y’all’s physical relationship hasn’t made it to the next base and they’re all coming from HIS side of things. This isn’t good, being that guys are the ones that are supposed to be trying to get on by any means necessary.

        I get it that y’all messed around to certain degrees and that’s cool, but he should have by now made serious moves to a) get you in a comfortable location and b) show up with condoms, since that’s clearly the main roadblock.. Not to mention.. Here in NYC, we have these things called PHARMACIES and they pretty much stay open all night. I’m sure there’s some spot where you live that stays open and had condoms for sale and his ass didn’t bother to put the car in DRIVE and go get some? Suspicious.

        Speaking of suspicious, I have to echo another Frank point, which is that in this day and age, it’s not in your best interest to interact physically with someone that obviously ignores “Safe Sex”. Bully For You that you’ve stuck to your guns about that and I hope you continue to do so. Lots of chicks have contracted diseases that they can’t get rid of at the clinic because they assumed some guy was clean and he wasn’t. Let’s not even talk about the kids factor. :/

        On top of all that, he doesn’t have any homeboys where he can take a chick to their crib and at least screw her on the couch? 😀 This guy really isn’t trying very hard to get you. Where does he work? Burger King? He can’t take you to his office after hours and Mad Men you up? 😀    Lame.

        Anyway.. Yes. This guy is confusing! 😀 My uneducated guess is that he has at least one girlfriend, one of whom he currently lives with. He’d like to have sex with you, but he can honestly take it or leave it and making out with you and texting you is his idea of a grand ole’ time! 😀 I feel like you’re really lucky in this situation that he hasn’t utilized his obvious pull over you to get you to do the nasty without condoms. If you can enjoy his attention without going overboard and giving it up, go right ahead. If you don’t think you’re going to be able to hold out, I’d stop kickin’ it with him immediately and focus your efforts on finding someone that floats your boat in a similar way without all the weirdness and without so many roommates.

        1. Oh yeah I keep thinking of more things I want to add. (As I avoid schoolwork for college lmao) So, I read your blog about how to tell if the guy has a girlfriend a while back and I tried some of those things and he never freaked out. I have really long hair for one and if I’m in his car and it’s down I shed and he knows this. He tried to pull some off my shirt and put the hair out the sunroof but everyone knows it probably came back in and there was more around. Maybe not a big deal but idk. Also, I did threaten to give him a hickie on his stomach before and his shoulder but with no apparent reaction of fear whatsoever. He also left his phone on my bed when he went into the bathroom so I picked it up to look at it (I didn’t really even look in it) on purpose to get his reaction and he didn’t flip out. It seems like he would be more careful with it…I flip out when guys touch mine haha bc I don’t want them to know I’m playing them. He’ll also tell me information I don’t ask for like (i’m sure it’s not true anymore if it ever was) that I was the first person he was getting with in any physical way since his girlfriend…his excuse for why he wasn’t used to condoms (lame and I didn’t care). I def will never oblige to him not using one. And not to worry, he will never be able to convince me no matter how stupid I can be about him.

          He also claims he is living with a friend that is a girl and her parents. Why bother telling me this awkward scenario of it’s not true…why not just lie and say you live with a guy friend or your mom or dying grandmother or something that makes more sense? He also told me he has a horrible memory before like he has forgotten his nephew’s birthday even when his mom called him and reminded him to which I said he is a bad uncle. However, could that make it possible to forget a condom which he claimed to have out and ready that time? Although, yes I did ask why he didn’t have one in his wallet or car and thought that was very strange. He’ll also text me at all different times; if he had a girlfriend he lived with I swear she would noticed unless she is really dumb. So maybe he just has a lot of girls he is seeing? I guess I’d rather hope for this than being the other girl I would really feel guilty about that. I told him after the whole apartment night that things looked bad and I have a conscience and I could never be another girl and that’s all I cared about and he said he knows that and everything. Would a guy be that evil and keep trying to see you anyway just to try to get extra ass on the side?

          One detail I didn’t mention was he had one of my earrings for the month we didn’t really talk much bc I was busy with someone else. I kept reminding him about it because it was important to me to get it back and he said it was in the center console of his car (prolly not though) and kept it there for a few weeks until he had time to return it. When he did, he drove to my school just to drop it off to me which was nice of him. Wouldn’t he be nervous about his gf finding it? Also, he always goes on the dating site we met on which I don’t care about because I go on it too. But if he has a gf should I not feel bad because she is very dumb not to catch him on there or look at what he’s doing online?

          On the negative side, I thought the not using the debit card at the movies might have been to hide it if he shares money with someone. Also, I thought him losing my number when I was away claiming he periodically erases his calls was the stupidest thing I ever heard of. I told him that just looks suspicious if it’s true. So, he probably was still with her at least during the summer…

          Yeah all this said, I still want to believe he’s not a cheater. But, I do know he is so weird and confusing anyway that he cannot be good for me. I want to let it go but should I tell him I think if he’s not cheating he should stop making himself look so bad all the time?

          Thanks again for all this good advice!

        2. Im going to take it one step further and say that he definitely has a girlfriend. and most likely this is his rookie debut I am sorry this sounds kind of blunt but all the symptoms are there. as for the issue of condoms most single guys have one (or more) on them at all times, and they most certainly always have one when going to meet a chick.
          (because not having one is like bill belichick not punting on 4th down with 2:08 left on the clock)

  44. Anna – –
    Bill is the expert here, but I do have to tell ya that I too am experiencing almost the same exact thing (except my guy and I DO have sex).

    I feel so much empathy for your situation, because I sooo identify with it. Every day or two he calls or texts with stuff like “good morning”, or he calls me at nite to say, “how are you? Hope you have a good sleep.”, for example.

    And then… we see eachother for a day or two on the weekends, we have dinner, I sleep over, the sex happens, and he wants to hold me so close.

    …And THEN… he keeps me at a VERY WIERD distance. We cannot seem to communicate properly… Everything I think and believe and express to him, he doesn’t seem to “get it”, and everything HE says to me, I just don’t “get it”.

    He tries to tell me that he thinks we DO have a close relationship, and that it IS growing and developing… and that I should be patients.

    I tell ’em, “Look, after 7 months of dating, I have a right to let ya know what I expect from a relationship. I’d like to meet your friends and family. I’d like to be a bit more of a part of your life that just a sex partner and dinner date.” HE doesn’t understand… he looks confused when I say these things… as tho I’m some sort of alien with three heads.

    What’s NOT to understand? I’ve told him from the beginning that I’m NOT into casual things, I DO want a relationship that WILL lead to SOMETHING serious, and I WANT to get married before I’m 45.

    HE evades these subjects ALL the time. So much so, that he changes the subject, cracks a joke, or responds with a very mixed up and confusing response which NEVER actually has ANY substance.

    And then, we do the same thing every week. Have dinner, have sex, and then argue about commitment.

    It sucks. In a very diplomatic way, I have told him that he needs to give me the straight skinny on HOW HE FEELS about me and our relationship, so that I CAN MOVE ON if I so desire. And like you Anna, I too have wondered (and ASKED HIM) WHY keep me around when you KNOW I specifically asked you NOT to hurt me, and NOT to keep the relationship progressing whenyou KNOW that I’m NOT into casual or non-serious/non-committal relationships.

    Anna, are we EVER going to meet someone who can just be freakin’ straight forward, love us as much as we love them, and actually be able to commit without playing these stupid games?

    I hope everything works out for you and your guy (or some other great guy). How long have the two of you been together? Have you ever kissed or done anything more?


    1. Alexis,

      Guys are stupid, but they’re not stupid enough to have conversations that will result in them not getting laid. 🙂

      The mistake that women make is in thinking that we give a damn whether you “move on” or not. We don’t. We want what we want. Sometimes that’s dinner, sex & argument. It’s better than conversation and no sex with that chick ever again because you were stupid enough to tell her that you have zero intentions of ever marrying her, being engaged to her or introducing her to ANYBODY as anything other than “That chick I’m screwing” or “One of the chicks I’m screwing”.

      I’m honestly not saying that to be crass. Countless times, chicks have gone from the state of “Some chick I’m having sex with” to “My girlfriend” with guys that I know and even with myself. There’s a complete difference, one of which is that the locker-room talk ceases. Guys aren’t going to tell you what they did to their girlfriends, how they did it, where they did it and how many times. Meanwhile, whatever they told the chick in order to get laid remained the same the whole time. It’s only The Fellaz that knew the real status of the relationship.

      There is No. Incentive. Whatsoever. for a guy to tell you a truth that’s going to interfere with him having sex with a chick he likes so that YOU can benefit from it by “moving on” with your life. Sad but true.

  45. Thanks so much for commenting Alexis! It feels better to at least know that I’m not the only one having someone drive me crazy. Although I’m sure as my friends tell me, yours probably tell you that these guys are not worth our time. But but-we like them! Haha. To answer your questions, I have seen my sketchy guy off and on since June (so 5 months). So, at least you have been getting your guys weekends and all of them. Also, we have done everything we could possibly do besides regular sex because he kept not having a condom at key times or things would get messed up in some other way. He is not a selfish person when it comes to this area and I never felt like he was using me because we were both having fun.

    Well, this weekend I got pissed at him because it’s been over a month since he’s seen me. I was also in a bad mood which doesn’t help…so I sent him a text that was like, “i don’t get u why be nice and keep me around and say u like me when ur too busy f-ing around to see me for a month? It hurts bc I try to be a good person to you.” No response. That was Friday night and he kept silent all night and all Saturday. So today, being me(I just can’t be upset with people or have things remain negative), I called him and left a message. I just was saying it’s ok if he doesn’t want to talk anymore I don’t mind but I just didn’t want to leave things so negative. I half apologized since I was just in a bad mood Friday and I know we have no commitment and we have both been having fun and seeing other people anyway. He texted me back like things were normal not really even commenting on any of what happened. I probably was being weak to call him but, it’s not like I didn’t have my own fun this weekend without him and I know I don’t need him. I just don’t like being on bad terms with people so I guess it was for the best to call in my mind. I’ll just leave him alone and see if he keeps talking to me.

    But, honestly, going back out with my ex-boyfriend who really cared about me and still does keeps looking more and more appealing. I left because I felt trapped and I hadn’t dated many other people but I am seeing so far that I may not have been missing too much. It seems like everything is such a game anymore even when people say it’s not going to be or they won’t hurt you.

    1. I have read this 3x already because SOMETHING kept catching me but I was having trouble pinpointing it…
      It just dawned on me!

      “…I called him and left a message. I just was saying it’s ok if he doesn’t want to talk anymore I don’t mind but I just didn’t want to leave things so negative. I half apologized since I was just in a bad mood Friday…”

      This comment is what kept me coming back… here is a little insider secret (please keep in mind that insider trading is considered a felony…lol just a joke) but here is our manly secret… When you start doubting your own convictions and beliefs, we know the azz is on tap like a keg at a frat house!!! (u want sum now? naw!, u want sum now? nope!, now? not really… ok, lets put it away! Oh wait, I want some now!!)

      You made a stand, why are you apologizing for wanting to be taken seriously??? The minute you eased up and let him off the hook, you all but jumped on his hook. You made your point!! If he was/is immature enough to not respond, so what!! What you basically said was “hey, sorry for having a backbone and wanting to be traeted like a lady. If i turned you off by not wanting to be your door mat, I am so sorry. I am going out and pretending to move on but if you find it in yourself to want to string me along again… well ok!”

      The only thing you should have felt bad for (and mostly to yourself/privately) was responding out of anger/moodiness because of some other situation. You should never have expressed your true feelings out of anger because eventually what happens is, what you did… say sorry. You had every reason to speak, you should just have done it while getting ready to go out and get laid by some other dude and in a better mood. No need EVER to apologize for something said while smiling!!

      1. Thanks you all so much. I feel like we get the best advice from people we don’t actually know for some reason. I know I know the whole thing was suspicious with his “ex” girlfriend….which is why I am so glad I didn’t feel comfortable having sex then. And yes, I do know it should have been on me also to have condoms but I’m not even going to lie here. I have only been with two other people and one was someone I was with for 3 1/2 years so, I’m a little behind in some things. One of my girlfriends told me the same thing “why didn’t you have any!!?” On the other hand though, another guy I know told me if I had had them I would have just looked slutty because girls who have them obviously have a lot of sex. Double standard still alive haha. But I do think I should have them if I don’t want to run into roadblocks however, maybe it’s for the best since dude is clearly cheating on someone along these 5 months. I really want to confront him about the really good points you guys made but if it’s via text or voicemail I kind of lose the power of seeing a reaction. Would it be kind of messed up to wait until I see him in person to call him out or a)is that dumb since I still want him anyway for whatever stupid reason and b)will he show no valid reaction anyway? My one guy friend has been telling me all along wait until you’re in person to have these important conversations/ confront his ass but the problem has always been I can never talk about too much that’s serious in person because he is a “sweep u off your feet” type person and it’s so unfair. But I am smiling now so I just want to tell him he’s immature but I don’t know how/when. Or is silence better? It has gotten to him before it drives him nuts. And Bill, no not BK for his job but a chain tool store lol so no office to go to. Thanks again everybody!

    1. Ok so….I just needed someone I don’t know to tell me to not back down lol. I finally got some ballz and there will be no apologizing! It went like this:
      (he really only communicates in texts-not my first choice but i don’t care)

      me: i need to what?

      him: **** me

      me: whatever

      him: y whatever

      me: meh bc ur always too busy anyway idc anymore…it’s whatever bc it is what it is…can i tell u something blunt tho not in a bitchy way but so u know

      him: I’m not that busy its when i’m free ur at school or somethin and when ur free im busy. I do wanna see u……say what u want

      me: idc if u play around i do it too but u should know if u haven’t been cheating on someone at all u make it look like u r a lot still like u but just sayin

      (nothing for several hours)

      me: so ur not gonna say anything?

      him: got cha silly

      me: what’s that supposed to mean?

      (almost an hour goes by)

      him: nothin u just think a lot of stuff it’s funny, it’s like u sit there and think and come up with stuff

      (about an hour goes by)

      me: it’s just really obvious but bc i want to believe ur not like that i try not to think about it but idk i wish ppl could just be open about stuff

      me: like i don’t try to be suspicious i do what i want and u all do what u want if u ask i’ll tell u etc but u like to not tell each other stuff so we don’t and that’s fine

      me: but there’s just one thing that i’d have a prob with and u always have said u know but i’m sayin it looks bad by what you do

      (a few hours later)

      me: whatever i just have to say what i’m feelin and if u don’t care or u think i’m stupid fine but i’m being true to myself

      I think he sounds pretty guilty by trying to make it look like I just think too much….as usual. I hope he’s done because I am ok with guys doing pretty much anything besides cheating one their gf with me and insulting my intelligence.

      1. Fascinating.

        I had to start reading that all over again, because I was SURE that YOU were the one that wrote “you need to **** me” hahaha 😀

        With all the frontin’ dude’s done so far, he doesn’t get to make statements like that.

        I tried to write a post about integrity and people eroding other people’s belief in their WORD yesterday, but I didn’t like either of the two tangents I went off on and dropped both of them. Eventually, your actions belie your words, always.

        I have a couple of girlfriends that I love. I’ve told them so to their faces and they take it lightly because a) I’m usually drunk when I tell them and b) I’m usually on a break from messing with some other chick like one minute before I turn around and tell them this. They can’t mentally process how I feel about them because they see how I interact with lots of other chicks. I understand this and that’s the price I pay for being real with them.

        Similarly, you can’t press up on a chick for sex and then she says “only with condoms” and then you NEVER produce them and NEVER make time to hook up with her, even in a bathroom, a car or a motel and then turn around and say “you need to **** me”. The scene is already set. He’s the one frontin’ and then he just wants to TALK about it and not BE about it. 😀

  46. Damn! I wish it was as easy as telling the guy “Look I’m definitely not into casual relationships” and he says, “Me neither…I’m interested in a serious relationship”… and almost a year down the road he truly shows that he is serious…wants you to meet his friends/family, tells you he loves you (or atleast that he misses and cares for you deeply), etc…

    As you’ve mentioned before (and you are right), All too often, the man says just about anything to get laid. Seven months into my relationship, I called my guy on this. To which he responds, “I am simply taking things slow” (meanwhile, never introducing me to his family/friends, and never saying “I love you” – – not even “luv ya”… not even “miss ya so much, hon”)…and still tapping it with me.

    …Though…I have to say, he DOES take me to dinner, lights the fireplace (because he knows I love that kind of stuff), covers me and keeps me warm at night…makes sure I’m comfortable and happy, calls me almost every night (but sometimes waits three days or so), texts me in between to ask how I am doing, and even has given me a credit card for a few months to buy necessities and pay bills while I’m searching for a job after having been laid off.

    We had a heated discussion this weekend – – where I somewhat was in tears… (in between the sex, sittin’ in his jacuzzi, having two dinners out, and watching cable tv movies ;)). It was truly a beautiful weekend… except that I brought up the dreaded “Are we serious” conversation… “Are we really on the same page? I’m not feeling comfortable with dinner/sex thing… You tell me you don’t want to say “I miss you” or anything personal on texts because you want to say them to my face… and yet, when I see you, you say none of these things.”. THAT set him off to reply, “You’re very demanding. If I were to tell you I love you, I honestly don’t think that would be enough.” I said, “How would you know, you’ve never tried.”. etc… etc… “…and the holidays are coming… After seven months together I’d think we’d know eachother enough that I could see your sisters and brothers again.” (I dated him 22 years ago, so I know his bro’s and sis’s, and would LOVE for him to bring me around to their homes during the holidays. Unfortunately, no soap. He feels “not ready” yet, and says, “We’re just getting to know eachother again after 22 yrs”. I’m like, “Huh?”.

    What’s this all about, Bill ! ! ! ? ? ? I wish I knew. And why give me his credit card, and why go over my Mom’s house to see me? (I had surgery and he asked if he could come visit me to see how I’m doing). And why take me to elegant events where all of this can EASILY get back to his sisters and brothers and my family members (and he KNEW that when he asked me to such events). EVERYONE at these events thinks he’s my boyfriend (and at HIS request, I do not respond with anything other than “We are just friends, catching up on old times”).

    Bill, I guess my HUGE FEAR is that he’s just in it for sex, and that the “be patient” statments that he makes about our relationship are just his way of STALLING, so that he NEVER has to commit???? HE says, “You’re wrong about that. That’s so NOT true. Have patience”. He also has commented “I’m not a commitmentphobe”… Which I find VERY interesting that he would even bring that word up (unless underneath it all… subconsiously or even consciously… he KNOWS he is)???

    1. Unfortunately, Alex, life isn’t just like the movies.

      The things that you’re describing is what the average guy would do or say IF he were interested in a long term relationship with a gal….. according to the movies.

      In the movies, John Cusack hangs out with the garage-working, no-makeup-wearing chick while he tries to date the cheerleader and in the end tells the garage chick that she’s the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with. In the movies, guys want to meet a gal’s parents and tell all his friends that this is his fiancee and discuss weddings and having kids.

      Not everybody communicates the same way. Not everyone is GOOD at communicating. Not everyone has something sincere TO communicate. There’s literally no telling why you’re not receiving indications that this guy is on his way to “making you an honest woman”. It might be because he has ZERO intentions of ever doing that and is stalling as long as he can so he can still get pIZaid on the regular. It might be that he actually DOES want to be with you long-term but he’s not comfortable with verbally expressing his feelings.

      As far as giving you his credit card and visiting you, that’s what guys do for any and EVERY chick that they’re on a certain level with. There’s a difference between achieving a certain relationship to someone and achieving that level *exclusively*. There’s no telling whether he’s just in it for sex until the hammer drops. The problem is that all guys know how to ACT in order to get a female to do the right thing. The good actors appear as sincere as the guys that are honestly interested in a LTR with you. All you can really do is keep an eye out for signs of insincerity and hope for the best.

      1. I’ve been reading your posts, and thinking alot about what you and Frank have written to me (and others). Sometimes I feel so angry at you guys, but then I realize that you’re just bein’ straight and honest… And so I feel compelled to continue reading what you two write, as it I think it’s good stuff (even when it p#sses me off cuz it isn’t necessarily always what I want to hear. 😉

        Recently, I’ve come to recognize that it is unimportant that I and ANY guy friend formulate labels such as “girlfriend/boyfriend”, “couple”, etc… THAT was HAAAARD for me to do with my current man friend, but I’ve totally reconciled it in my mind that it’s simply miniscule and totally NOT indicative of whether or not he is truly INTO me or LOVES me or is COMMITTED to me. I finally get that now (thanx to you and Frank).

        That said, I’ve gotten over THAT hurdle. …But…there are still a myriad of other problems…

        Ok, …One one hand, the good stuff is this…

        1) We see eachother ever week

        2) He calls me approximately every night
        (sometimes every other night) or atleast text one another in between.

        3) We enjoy eachother’s company, laughing, talking, having lunch, dinner, watching movies, and yes… sex. 🙂 🙂 🙂

        4) I don’t think he’s kickin’ it with another girl (unless I’m naiive??)


        And here is the negative stuff…

        1) I’m like number 10 on his list of priorities.
        work, family, and friends come first. I don’t like that. I want to be important (not number 1, cuz HE should be his own number one priority. But number 2 or 3? Hell, I’d even accept bein’ number 4 at this point – – Is that unfair of me, Bill?? …To want to be number 2,3, or even 4 after eight months).

        2)Second crappy thing he does is, after eight stinking months of being with ’em, he’s STILL NOT asked me to hang with his family (I’ve met them 22 years ago when he and I used to date). So…um… Bill, I know you wrote that “It doesn’t happen this way, except in the movies”, but… I kinda thought that by NOW (after eight months), he’d want me to hang with his fam a bit, maybe go to a family Holiday party, or perhaps visit a friends house party. Noper. He then said to me that he is not willing to bring any female around his family until he is sure of them (so there ya have it, he’s NOT sure of me). Oucheroo! I can’t tell you how hurtful it was to hear that.

        3) He says we are “progressing toward getting to know eachother” (either that or he’s stalling so as to continue getting *#$%&# from me). I’m like, “huh? I feel that we are NOT progressing.” And sometimes, I even feel like we’re takin’ like eight steps BACKward (e.g. Like when he doesn’t ask me to family events, or local house parties to which he’s been invited, or when he says, “we’re movin’ forward” but then says he “does not have time for a serious relationship”).

        Anyhoo… I FINALLY stood my ground a few days ago. He asked me to go to a Christmas Party (which he ORIGINALLY told me that I wasn’t invited because he and “the guys” usually go out bar-hopping afterward). So… he changed his mind (maybe guilt from callin’ me late on my birthday) and asked me to go, stating that some of the guys are bringin girls, so now he’d like to invite me. Upset, I held my ground and sucked in all of my anger, and calmly stated, “Given what you’ve said to me recently about ‘not having time for a serious relationship or dating’, I have decided that it is not appropriate or healthy for me to go. I just cannot do this anymore. But thank you for the invite.” He accepted that graciously….NO argument from him.
        He kindly replied, “Ok. That’s your decision. You’re an adult. I’m sure you made your decision for a purpose. I won’t challenge you. It’s ok. You don’t have to go if you don’t want to.” etc… (all said very kindly, but damn, he is a BAD BAD communicator. Doesn’t know WTF to say, and says it all cock-eyed and logically – – VERY spock-like… Feels like I’m talkin’ to a robot sometimes. (What can I say, he’s in the business of Finance/Numbers, etc…) – – he’s a brilliant mathematician. I, on the other hand, speak from my heart. So… you can see the big clash right there. We DO NOT communicate well…ALWAYS misunderstanding one another… CONSTANTLY having to CLARIFY what we say to one another.

        Anyway, I’m breaking up with Mr. Poor communicator/Spockman/Mathematician on this coming Saturday. He asked me to go out Sat to celebrate my birthday (which was last freakin’ week), and so I decided to say “Yes, I will meet you for a cup of coffee out at a small cafe somewhere”. This is where I will initiate the break up…cleanly, smoothly, without argument, eliminating any messed-up emotional verbiage, and without tears. Just simple.

        I THINK he KNOWS that I am about to break up with him. He isn’t fighting it (a HUGE signal that he TOO would like to break up? ;)). He doesn’t seem to care one way or the other (Then again…Mr. Spock has NEVER really shown emotion one way or the other on ANY subject, be it love, reading, cooking, friendships, movies, family, etc…). I cannot read the guy!!!! No one can!

        When I break up with ’em, I WILL stand my ground and make good on my word. I promise myself will not turn back after that. Too many women say “I broke up with him” only to go back to ’em.

        Noper! I’m done with this dude who can’t commit.

        Not looking for a response from him. I guarantee Mr. Spock will simply let me go, and that’s that… without argument or “challenge”. And I’ve come to terms that THAT is ALL he is capable of. He is emotionally inept… and I must accept it.

        So… I thank you both (Bill and Frank) for your help with everything. I will be strong, break it off (briefly and succinctly – in his Spockian language, but diplomatically), and then say my goodbyes.

        So…Here’s my ONE question for the night…

        QUESTION: Stupid question for both you (Bill) and Frank… but … If Mr. Spock isn’t fighting my breaking up with him, is it because he DOESN’T CARE, OR is it because he is too hurt to show emotion?


        1. Alexis,

          It’s good for you to feel angry about what we’re saying. That means that you don’t like it. That’s good because you can only dislike something AFTER you’ve decided it’s a REAL possibility. Nobody dislikes pink elephants, because they don’t exist.

          I’m sure that a lot of women read this blog and then go “He’s not talking about ME!”.. “He’s not talking about MY man or MY relationship” and then a few months down the line, something happens to them and they’re like “Damn. That’s EXACTLY what they were talking about! :/”. That’s called not taking advantage of someone else’s wisdom & experience.

          I’m not saying this stuff for MY education. I already know this stuff. I’m saying this so maybe, MAAAAYBE one of y’all will see these moves coming and get to avoid some grief, or at least pass the info on to your little sister if you already went out like that.

          As far as your question, my opinion on your “relationship” to this guy remains the same. I don’t take any joy in saying that from what you’ve written about him this entire time, I really don’t think he could actually give a flying **** whether you give him some or not… The obvious point being that if he doesn’t, you have no “relationship” cred with him at all, IMO. (not meaning you as a person, but women in general who are trying to become a guy’s #1 chick).

          Whether or not he’s seeing other women is immaterial. You said yourself that you’re not a priority to him. He’s not sure of you, he’s not bringing you around his family.. Nothing you’ve said or done seems to have motivated him to step up his game to a) keep you around or b) keep you happy. I actually wouldn’t allow my *FIFTH* favorite chick to feel about me the way you feel about him.

          I don’t think he gives a damn. If he does, he’d better step it up before you STOP FRONTIN’ and dump this guy for real instead of a ploy to try to see how far he’s going to let you go before he tells you he needs you, runs to you in slow motion through a field of flowers and writes a hit Freestyle song about you.

        2. “QUESTION: Stupid question for both you (Bill) and Frank… but … If Mr. Spock isn’t fighting my breaking up with him, is it because he DOESN’T CARE, OR is it because he is too hurt to show emotion?”

          Answer: Who CARES!!!!

          maybe he DOES care and cant verbalize it. maybe he doesnt and is HOPING you break up with him… Either way, dont fight your own instincts and settle. he is obviously never going to provide the comfort and reassuring that you require. A relationship should be based on a little give and take, maybe you dont need to meet his family BUT DAMN at least bring you around the friends!!!!! The fact that you even care to ask means that theres a glimmer (however small) that he could sweet talk you if he was inclined.

          I could always tell by the “tone” of your writings that you didnt care for my responses and by default probably had made up your mind about who I was. LOL never took it personal BUT something did come out of this…

          Using you as my primary example… I had to get on BILL about what i thought were his vanilla answers when it was obvious that some people needed more bluntness. (Bill actually points this out in one of his other recent responses).

          So speaking to you the way I would to my best friend, any friend, and family…

          Dump this dude…Meet a new one…Pace yourself, there is no need for any immediate labels such as BF/GF/SO…and keep track!! If at some point you wind up giving more of yourself and in the process not being who you are, you have every right to expct the same from him. Otherwise-NEXT!

          Dont worry about having dated 15 dudes in one calendar year. I actually respect the female who is truer to herself than I would ever respect the one chick who forces a relationship just to say “Im not the type to sleep around…”!

          Sometimes you wind up trying on 10 different shoes at 10 different stores before you find the right one!!!

  47. Wow you give really good advice. What about this situation: I met this guy a year ago but he lives 8 hours away from me. Ever since we met he calls me every single day, usually five or six times a day with hours of conversation at night. We see each other once or twice a month. We tried being exclusive for about six months but I ended it when I found out he cheated. Since then, we still talk several times a day for hours and still see each other just as often. I have overheard him referring to me as his girl several times, but when I tell him that I would like to try being exclusive again, he tells me that while he loves me he is not ready to settle down. Even if he is seeing other girls which he says he isn’t,I know he is not serious with anyone because we talk so often and I make unexpected trips to his apartment occasionally and go through his phone when I see him. When I asked him why, he said the distance was a problem and listed other issues we had in our relationship. He also said that we broke up before because he cheated and he said he worries that he’ll mess up again. Also, when we broke up I immediately started seeing someone else and he said he worried that if we had a fight I would just go out and find someone else. He is in the entertainment industry so I know there is a lot of temptation to sleep with girls on the road. Is what he says true? Is that the real reason he doesn’t want to be exclusive or does he just not love me like he says he does? How do I get him to agree to be exclusive with me?

    1. Hey Angel. Thanks for the props and the comment. 🙂

      I’m gonna tell you straight that Long-Distance Relationships don’t exist. The ONLY time they exist is when a guy’s already hooked on ONE GIRL and regardless of whether she’s in China and he’s in Zimbabwe, he still feels like she’s the only girl for him. I’m not getting that vibe from what you wrote.

      You can talk to a guy all you want, but guys like to get laid EVERY day. *NOT* once or twice a month, when you can place yourself in physical proximity to him. There is No. Way. that he’s sitting around for either 14 or 28 days, waiting for YOU to come give him some.

      Therefore, IMO, the only way you would even have a CHANCE of bagging him exclusively for yourself is if you lived where he lived and he was hooking up with you on a regular basis. Other than that, the next woman has daily opportunities to undermine your rap by sexing him, cooking for him, going out on dates with him, all the stuff a guy would normally doing with a girlfriend or a wife that YOU can’t do because you’re not physically there.

      I know women like to believe that there’s some mental or emotional way to override the physical. It’s not true. Do I have friends that are in LTRs and they don’t mess with other girls? Yes. That’s because they’re sweating their girlfriends to the degree that THEY DECIDE not to mess with other gals and actively avoid or reject women’s advances. If a guy’s not on that level with you, you can forget it.

      He’s not “worried” that he’s going to cheat again. 🙂 No guy ever WORRIES that he’s going to get laid.

      The only way for you to figure out what time it is is to live close enough to him that he can see you and hang out with you every single day if he wants to. If you did that, you might realize that he STILL doesn’t spend time with you even though you’re putting your best foot forward for the relationship. That would tell you that he doesn’t take you seriously as far as a relationship, but he’s willing to take what you’ll give him every other week.

      If a guy’s feelin’ you like that, he’s going to police himself regardless of what you say or do. Even if you told him you were going to kick it with other dudes, he’d tell you he was all about you since that would be the way he really felt. This situation sounds to me like a typical situation where fantasy doesn’t match reality and you’re more invested in the relationship than he is.

      Maybe do a test. Tell him you want to spend an entire week with him and see what he says. He won’t be able to do it if he already has appointments scheduled with other girls.

      Good Luck! 😀

      1. I agree with EVERYTHING BC just wrote and Im about to add a little extra as to why this LTR is not going to work. You said he was in the entertainment industry…
        Four score and many hoes ago, I had the pleasure of being in a couple of videos and on stage with said friend. I remember being in the movie theater WITH my GIRLFRIEND (at that time) and having chicks singing the chorus to one of the raps RIGHT IN OUR EARS FROM THE SEATS RIGHT BEHIND US! I had to be subjected to what had to be considered FLAGRANT violations from other chicks around my girl!!! INSANE… BUT…
        I uhm didnt consider them violaters when she wasnt around. I was just some dude in videos and occasionally on stage… P***Y was just getting handed to me and this while in SIGHT of my gf. AND NEVER THE TYPE TO LOOK A GIfT HOE, er Horse, IN THE MOUF’…
        I understand Tigers “transgressions”!!

        So you have questions about some dude who lives 8 hours away and is in the PG (P***y Galore) business???

  48. Well…I’m finding myself telling you guys my situation again because I feel like everyone else will just tell me how dumb I am but it rolls off me. I need strangers to set me straight. So remember the shady guy I have been as you call it, “sweating” for like 6 months….who still hasn’t given it to me bc he “forgets” condoms or other things go wrong? I find myself still responding to his daily texts and getting all excited when he calls or leaves me voicemail. However, in the meantime I have been hanging out with my ex bc we get along as friends and generally have a good time in all aspects. He pretty much wants things to be serious again but he knows I’m stuck on this other guy who is a moron, I know. What is wrong with me…like I have this great option here with this guy who wants to only be with me and treat me right but I’m still hung up on this weird guy…??!!

    I am hating myself right now especially bc this other guy is the suspected cheater…even though I’m pretty sure he isn’t doing that stuff now…just playing around which I don’t care about. He says now he is moving back in with his mom and I can come over after he gets moved back in there. I kind of want to wait and see if he actually does let me in his life more but am I being retarded about all of this? I don’t know what is wrong with me it’s like I enjoy a challenge instead of the guy who already is readily available to me and nice to me (the ex). He, the ex, even knows everything I have been doing when we weren’t together and still loves me. Am i probably never going to find a decent guy like this again who doesn’t care how dumb I can be and likes all my flaws? Should I give up on the shady guy?
    Please help…

    1. So lets see If I gotz this right: The one who wants you is the one you are leading on! The one who is leading you on is the one you want!!

      1)How does it feel to be dragged along while he decides if you are going to be his full time? You dont like do you!! Well what do you think you are doing to the ex????? Either get with him or stop letting him think there’s hope…
      2)Cut them both loose and start fresh. If you “settle” for the ex, he will eventually decide that YOU are not worth his affection. if you settle for the other dude… You’ll be one angry, crying all the time chick because you know damn well what he is up to when you cant find him. You and that angry little baby he’ll leave you with because he dont use condoms.

      1. Yeah. For Real. :/

        Anna, Your problem is that women have an overinflated sense of being able to affect things. For example.. When a guy “cheats” on a gal, it’s because he felt like ******* some other chick. Period. Meanwhile, his girl starts wondering what she did to push him away or how she didn’t please him or how she didn’t control him enough from stopping him from exercising his God-Given Free Will. It’s a real issue and leads to a lot of female mental problems.

        The obvious fact of the matter here is that you’re *SPRUNG* on the guy that can take you or leave you. There’s nothing you can do about this. You can’t mentally will yourself out of jocking him. You can’t pry yourself off the Dilznick, no matter how hard you try. This is clear, plain and obvious. There’s nothing wrong with this, but the first step is recognition. If you refuse to recognize how hard you’re riding this guy, you’ll never achieve a position where you can actually stop sweating him.

        It’s like how they have to do interventions for drug addicts that don’t realize they’ve ruined their entire lives to get that drug. The addict will swear up and down that he/she is normal and then go out fiendin’ around the clock.

        There’s no reason to hate yourself. 🙂 Just recognize that you’re this dude’s groupie and work from there. I’m the same way for some chicks. No matter how much of a HO they are or how many boyfriends they have during the time I know them or how crabby they are or how worthless they are as human beings, I still enjoy spending time with them and that’s all that matters to me. It doesn’t matter how many times my friends go “DAMN! :/ .. You’re STILL hangin’ out with that chick?” haha It doesn’t matter how many times she’ll see a guy for the first time in life and want to give him some, I still get what I get out of spending time with her and nothing else matters to me.

        If you keep acting like you’re an independent person who has her own free will when it comes to this dude, you’ll never be able to mentally grasp how badly you’re sweating him so you can make a better plan for your life. You can’t substitute some guy you’re not jocking for one that you ARE. It doesn’t work like that. The only thing that happens in those situations is that you park your ass with the “nice guy” until you get the chance to spread your legs for the badboy and then that’s what you’re gonna do. He’s gonna hit it and quit it and then you’re going to be left wondering what you could have done better to control the situation when it’s completely outside of your control.

        You either have to get down with your addiction or recognize it for what it is so you can attempt to suppress or change it.

        1. Yes…you are right about everything! I can definitely admit it though I know I am addicted…and yes it is the “badboy” thing. I like that this guy is a badass or at least pretends to be. I like that he has a shady looking car with tinted windows, speeds too much, takes me to places I know I shouldn’t be in the middle of the night, lets me wear his hats, has tattoos, and is generally mysterious. But at the same time I like that he works, walks his dog, hangs out with his relatives, and is pretty responsible. And even if he is shady and weird, he wouldn’t leave me somewhere…he will always drop me off at home or make sure I am safe. His game isn’t even that good really…I just genuinely like him because it’s him and he makes me laugh and smile. I can admit all this. I can admit he has been messing me up for like half a year now because I can’t move on or backwards or anywhere because of him. I feel like getting down with my addiction will just hurt me more so I need to get away from it….I just have to actually cut the strings but it’s hard…
          Thanks again for being so real you guys!!!

          PS- what’s with the badboy thing anyway…i think I’m a pretty smart girl(woman lol) but WHYYYYY do so many girls always seem to fall for the badboys?? What is that? It’s so dumb and I know it makes other guys nuts.

          1. Well.. “Why girls like badboys” is going to have to be the subject of an entirely different post, but the short answer is that there are elements of “manhood” that women aren’t trained to like, but actually do. I put manhood in quotes because there are LOTS of tough chicks as well that give off the same warrior vibe.

            Unfortunately for you, the same thing that makes him NOT commit to you makes the time he spends with you MORE VALUABLE because you know he could choose to do something else with his time, but he WANTED to spend it with you. Some Herb that’s your boyfriend doesn’t have a choice when you say you want to go to the movies or the mall.

            The same thing that makes badboys dangerous to you make you feel safe with them, being that you know that they’re dangerous to OTHER PEOPLE that might threaten you.

            The reason you go places with him that you normally wouldn’t go is that if you DID go by yourself, you’d get harassed or worse.

            None of these things are advertised to women as things they SHOULD look for in men, but they naturally DO look for those things. This is why y’all hook up with a dude to have a safe, easy life and then are dying to hook up with badboys to give your lives some MEANING for a change. 😀

            So, basically, the answer is that you have to look at traits about yourself that you haven’t been trained to look at. “On paper”, there are certain types of women that I should be interested in because of similar stats as far as education, upbringing, earning potential.. In reality, chicks like that bore me to death and I spend time with gals that I have honest things in common with and a genuine rapport with. You’re going to have to figure out what floats your boat and roll with that as best you can.

  49. Ok another question: Then if he doesn’t want to be with me because of the distance and the availability of other girls, why is he calling me five times a day? We’ve been doing this for a year now. My guy friend said maybe hr sees potential in me but doesn’t want to settle down because I live so far. Is that it or is he just dating me till he meets someone in his city that he likes better or does he just view me as a friend he can talk to for hours? What’s his reason for calling me so often?

    1. Another thing women don’t understand is the difference between keeping a chick on the roster and having an EXCLUSIVE relationship with her.

      Maybe you’re the best chick he knows as far as conversation. Maybe he really cares what went on with your day. Maybe he’s cockblocking the next man by making you think he’s your boyfriend. Maybe he calls you and three other chicks every day. Maybe he’s in love with you and in denial. Maybe he wishes you lived near him. Maybe he’s confused and trying to figure out what he wants…

      All I know is that when I get on iChat and carry on six conversations simultaneously, I’m sure all six of the other people FEEL like I’m just talking to them at that point in time. It’s just as easy to juggle chicks as it is to have multiple IM conversations *yawn*.

      Anyway, the main point is that NO chicks that aren’t physically affecting guys have ANY leverage over those particular guys. None. I’m sure it’s nice to talk to you every day and all that, but when he chick with the fat ass kicks it to him at the bar and it’s a choice between taking her home and stickin’ it or calling you on the phone.. you lose. Every time. Beleedat.

  50. In that case, what should I do? He tells me all the time how he feels about me and that we have a good bond and that it is hard for him to go without talking to me, even we have arguments. I suggested that we be nonsexual friends and he said that if that is what I want, then he is willing to do it. Should I be JUST friends with him (no sex and no visiting) or should I just cut him out of my life completely so that he feels what it is like to be without me for a while?

  51. I really love him and I’m not sure if I want to completely lose contact. Should we remain friends or should I tell him if he is not willing to give me what I want then we have nothing to talk about?

    1. Angel, 🙂 I “hate” to sound negative in so many of my responses about relationships, however reader Frank gave me grief a while back about watering down responses to y’all in order to spare women’s feelings and not telling it like it truly is, so I’ve been trying to lay it down straight to y’all.

      Also, besides my own personal entertainment, my main goal with this blog is NOT to tell anyone what they should do, but merely to open your eyes to what MIGHT be going on in your relationship that you have no concept about because you’re not trained to understand it. It’s like this Tiger Woods thing. It makes perfect sense to me that a guy would have a wife and then do whatever he wanted with his sex life. Most people are brainwashed that this never happens, even though the cheating statistics have TRADITIONALLY been around 50%, meaning that every time they do a survey, HALF of the people in relationships admit that they’d cheated at some point, which means that MORE OF THEM THAN THAT have cheated, because not everyone’s going to admit it.

      Having said that, you seem to be operating from a list of finite options or compartments, such as “nonsexual friends”. You also seem to believe that you can control the situation somehow via sex embargoes and/or ultimatums like “Give me what I want or..”. This is a fallacy and is what gets a lot of gals in situations they don’t want to be in.

      First of all, you wrote “I met this guy a year ago but he lives 8 hours away from me. Ever since we met he calls me every single day, usually five or six times a day with hours of conversation at night. We see each other once or twice a month.”. This means that you ALREADY. ARE. NONSEXUAL. FRIENDS. 😀 If you’re only hooking up with him once every 14 or 28 days, is it any wonder that he would agree to be “non-sexual” friends with you? What do you think he’s doing on days 1-13 and days 15-27? IMO, he’s hooking up with chicks he has 24/7 access to.

      As far as “Give me what I want, or..”, that only works if you have some sort of leverage over him, which it doesn’t appear that you do. You wrote “We tried being exclusive for about six months but I ended it when I found out he cheated.”. What REALLY happened is that he did THE **** what HE wanted to do and you THOUGHT you were in a monogamous relationship until you found out that you weren’t. That’s one of the many things that women don’t understand about cheating.. If a guy’s screwing you AND at least one other chick, it doesn’t matter if you close up the shop after you catch him because he ALREADY. HAS. MORE. *****. If he has two other chicks, you’re only skating with 1/3 of his sex. You’re also freeing up the time he was spending to keep you on the roster so he can kick it more with the other chicks and get even MORE sex from them, replacing what you removed. On top of that, the best you can hope for with someone that ALREADY cheated on you for six months out of your one-year relationship is ANOTHER verbal agreement that you’re in an exclusive relationship! 😀 hahaha Good Luck with THAT! 😀 Does that make sense?

      As I was explaining to reader Fishingrod the other day, a gal’s not going to have any ACTUAL position with a guy until he’s honestly feelin’ her like that and he’s EMOTIONALLY compelled to “do right” by her. What y’all learn in the movies is that a relationship starts when people open their mouths and SAY that they’re “together”. It doesn’t work like that. Your goal in this situation needs to be to get to know this guy for real instead of on a “This is one of the girls I have sex with” level. I think that’s going to be very close to impossible from long distance. If a guy doesn’t think there’s something extraordinary about you as a human being then everything he can get from you, he can get from the next chick that he thinks is attractive or sexy or fun or smart or the freak of the week.

      So, if you feel like you really want to be with this guy, make a go at it, knowing that you might never get to an actual exclusive relationship with him. Otherwise, take the information you already have, which is that he didn’t last six months without cheating on you (I say he never *WAS* exclusive with you, because there was no reason to be because you would never find out) and skate from this situation and meet someone local to you that actually WANTS to have a special relationship to you.

      Good Luck! 😀

    2. One last tidbit…
      If you absolutely cant be friends w/out wanting him because you “love” him, then yeah, you may need to break off contact for a while.


      My question is this: Do you REALLY love him or are you IN LOVE with trying to get him to love you??? You do know once he settles down and decides he wants you, the thrill and the chase are over! Waaaaaaaaaay to many (and Im not speaking on you *yet*) women fall in love with the notion that they are the ones to change the guy and then wind up feeling guilty because they are suddenly attracted to someone else.

  52. Hey Bill! I wrote you like last month and now I have one more question. Ok so I told that guy I was talking to to stop calling me about three weeks ago because we want different things (I want a relationship and he doesn’t because he claims relationships take work and he’s not ready yet which is obviously just an excuse.) So ever since then he’s been calling and calling and I’ve been ignoring him. Since I won’t answer his phone calls, he had his best friend call me and ask me whats going on between us and try to persuade me to talk to him again. I live far away from him, haven’t seen him in three months, and I told him to stop calling me twice already. Why is he still trying? Is this a sign that he really cares or is it all just a game? Should I give him another chance and listen to what he has to say? Or should I just keep ignoring him? Do you think he’s acting like that now because he misses me and regrets what he did or is he just into the chase?

  53. Hi Bill!
    I wrote to you back in April (see comments), and I got so sick of his inability to commit to me, and I finally wrote him off tonight, I think. We had still been seeing eachother, and in December 09, we got REALLY CLOSE, but then in January and Feb this year, he closed up again and made plenty of excuses not to see me or include me in things. We agreed on taking space, and he had just called me 3 days ago while attending a biz convention. (It’s a real one, I saw the website, haha). And I tried to get ahold of him Friday, nothing, Today, nothing. I didn’t even send him texts in the 2 digits! I got so sick of him not answering that I told him I wasn’t putting up with it, I know he always has his phone, and said goodbye.

    I’m not sure I made a good decision, but Bill, he left me last year shortly after I wrote to you by basically ignoring my messages, and it stung really bad. When I ran into him 3 months after that, he admitted he gets scared of people getting close and he just wanted out.

    My stomach is in knots. What if something happened to his phone or something? but I highly doubt it. We just talked 3 days ago… and he’s gone again. 🙁 I’ve never been so unhappy with myself.

    1. Hey Tara. I think you need to hop over to the other post and read Rebecca’s story and the rest of that thread. She had a similar situation, which is really a common situation for women.

      Y’all want SO BADLY for your current relationship to be fantastic that you make it good in your own minds. This is what I’ve been trying to get y’all to stop doing FOR YEARS ALREADY, but it’s never going to end.

      If a guy can take you or leave you, that means a guy can take you or leave you. It doesn’t mean he dropped his phone in the lake while he was fishing. It doesn’t mean that he has problems communicating his obsessive love for you. It means that he’s not willing to put in the work to keep you on the dilznick and when he wants some from you again, he’ll be back and you’ll be happy to give it up.

      There’s nothing wrong with that. The problem is women never stop making up extra ish surrounding simple relationships. I’ve seen this situation a million times, and *not* *one* *chick* has just plain admitted that she’s sweating this guy and whatever he does to her, good or bad, she’s still going to want to give him some. That’s what the truth of the matter is, but instead of accepting it and living from a position of REALITY, y’all love to mentally reframe situations so it turns out to be some kind of love story where the guy’s currently broken and somehow is going to get back on the right track and the relationship will become something that she dreamed about but never actually had with this particular guy.

      That would be like if I said “You know… Every time the light turns green, the cars start driving. Sooner or later, they’ll realize that they should actually start driving when the light turns red! :D” Instead of accepting that GREEN. MEANS. “GO”!, I sit there on the curb thinking the drivers don’t know what they’re doing, when the real issue is that *I* have no idea what I’m talking about.

      How many times is this guy going to peel out when the light turns red before you a) accept that he’s operating under different rules than you are, and b) accept that you’re going to jock him regardless of what he does or how he treats you?

      The reason you can’t figure this out is that you don’t want to be who you actually are right now. Without recognizing what you’re doing, you can’t either accept it and live with it or change it into a way of being you actually enjoy.

      1. I just want to thank you for this blog Bill! Since I commented a long time ago, I get the updates when someone posts something new and for some reason I was so happy to see this comment from you today! It’s so refreshing to just hear the truth even when it hurts us sometimes and I agree so much with what u were saying here especially the part where you say, if a guy can take you or leave you, it means just that. So many times we lie to ourselves to feel better about whatever we’re doing with someone but I realize, it’s just not worth it. As women, a lot of us do this and I know I have as well. (I was the one with the weird shady guy who I wanted to have sex with but who had no place to go and I wanted to find something deeper to it in the worst way…I wanted him to care more than he did.) But I see how right you are and especially today on Valentine’s Day, why lie to ourselves?? It’s better to be honest and be alone and spend the day with a girlfriend instead of dwelling over something that obviously didn’t mean much to the guy other than getting some. And no reason to feel upset over these things, they happen.

        1. Thanks for your comments, Anna. I’m glad you got something out of this. 🙂

          Your statement “Why lie to ourselves?? It’s better to be honest and be alone and spend the day with a girlfriend instead of dwelling over something that obviously didn’t mean much to the guy other than getting some.” is a fantastic takeaway.

          That *very* understanding is what enables progressive thoughts and actions. It’s ABSOLUTELY better to be alone than to be in a fake relationship that a gal’s carrying on in her own mind without the guy being involved at all. I mean, she’s *ACTUALLY* alone anyway. 😀 She’s just making up excuses so she can try to make this particular relationship work.

          All that does is let the guy know that whatever he does, she’s going to cover for him… against herself! 😀 It’s too easy. Candy from the baby. Being single or “alone” seems to be the scarier scenario, but being “with” someone that’s not with you is REALLY setting yourself up for some kind of horrific revelation down the line.

          That’s the whole point. Just wake up. Recognize what’s real so you can write up your “pros vs. cons” list and make educated decisions. If you don’t want to believe a guy is cheating, then he’s *NOT* cheating, because you’ll never catch him… even if you catch him.

  54. Hi Bill! I think that your website is fantastic and you give great advice, so I was wondering if you would help me out with my situation.
    Well I met this guy about 9 months ago. He was really sweet and he called all the time. At first I wasn’t really into him because I was talking to this other guy at the time. But eventually, I warmed up to him and I started to fall for him- hard! But for the past few months, he barely calls. Everytime I try to make plans, he acts as though its a burden to hang out and he’s sooo busy.
    One problem that I’m having with him is that everytime we are alone, he wants to have sex (I know, that’s typical for a guy). But I’m not sure if I want to give it up to him because I’m not sure if he just wants to “hit it and quit it.” I want to take things to the next level but whenever I bring it up, he tells me “It’s not the right time,” or “I don’t know where things are going but I like you.”
    I am not sure whether he needs more time to decide if he wants to make me his girl (even though it’s been 9 months!!) OR if he is just telling me what I want to hear so he can hit it without feeling guilty that he is smashing other chicks too? (I’m not sure that he is smashing other chicks I’m just saying its possible that, if he is not getting it from me, he might be getting it somewhere else).
    I feel like I am investing a lot more into the ‘relationship’ then he is, so I’m wondering if I should just move on? or should I just go with the flow and try to show him the I’m girlfriend material?

    1. Hey Cammy. Thanks for the compliments & the question. 🙂

      This situation is a definite RED LIGHT. As in “Hold your horses”. Dude’s going in the wrong direction.

      As time goes on, guys are supposed to get MORE interested in spending time with you, not LESS interested. If dude’s letting you feel like it’s a burden for him to hang out with you, he obviously has something better to do = a different chick he’s working on or has already started hooking up with.

      The key issue here is that he’s been trying to hook up with you for 9 months and you haven’t given it up yet. *NOW* is *NOT* the time to start.

      I repeat: *NOW* is *NOT* the time to start hooking up with him. At this point, he’s very likely in “Let me **** this ***** before I skate” mode. If a dude has to wait 9 months for it, probably the only reason he’s still talking to you is the hope that ONE OF THESE DAYS, you’ll actually give it up and then he’ll be able to say “I worked the greater part of the year to get laid one time” instead of saying “I worked the greater part of the year and didn’t get any from her”.

      This is assuming, of course, that you’re not getting him off in other ways… I personally don’t see ANY WAY that messing with him NOW is going to produce a positive turnaround in your relationship. It would probably remain the same with him feeling that at least he can get laid whenever he wants with you now, if not become just what you’re worried about, which is a “hit it & quit it” situation.

      The way I see things, (which a lot of people don’t subscribe to, hahaha) is that if a chick isn’t having sex with a dude, she has ZERO leverage over him whatsoever. ZERO. Nothing. He can tell you all day and all night that he’s your boyfriend or whatever and the first chick that’s down with the program, he’s gonna take it AND she’s immediately going to be considered more important than you are. If there’s a choice between hanging out with her and getting laid or hanging out with you and NOT getting laid, you’re not getting the nod.

      That’s why I suspect it’s so tough to get time with him, because he really doesn’t feel like spending ANY time with a chick he’s not hooking up with, so as long as he has a better option, including taking his chances meeting new girls around y’all’s way, that’s what he’d rather do. Basically, this means that as soon as he’s no longer interested in hooking up with you (due to repetition, your getting out of shape, whatever) or he meets a chick he likes messing with more than you, you’re finished.

      Unfortunately, you’ve stalled him out for so long that this isn’t even an experimental situation. It’s not like you only waited a month and a half and then you’re making this decision. Nine Months is a deliberate sex embargo (unless you’re actually a virgin). You’ve now gone on 9-month-long record as saying “I like you, but I’m not going to have sex with you”. Some guys will resent that, although they’ll wait around like I said to see if you ever give it up in life.

      On top of that, I would be surprised if he didn’t have another chick he was hooking up with and you’ve been the side chick for a long time already. You’re already like “The Other Woman”. Unless a lottery ticket falls out, I don’t see hooking up with you making him drop whichever gal(s) he’s already messing with to make you #1 and live happily ever after.

      I think the only thing to do at this point is to have a conversation with him and see if you can get some honesty. Invite him to a neutral location such as the food court in the mall so you don’t have to worry about him trying to get on, and have a conversation with him about how you feel and how he feels about the relationship.

      I know that Sophia is going to consider what I just wrote to be contradictory advice to what I’ve written before, but you have a really extreme circumstance here. 🙂 I have no idea AT ALL why a guy would date a chick he wasn’t hooking up with for NINE MONTHS! 😀 At this point, it’s worth the gamble to bring up the “Where is this relationship going?” conversation merely to get his reaction to your questions and comments.

      If he’s mostly like “I haven’t thought about it”, then you know that all he’s thinking about is trying to get laid, FINALLY! He might bite the bullet and tell you straight that he’s not interested in continuing dating you if you’re not going to hook up with him sometime soon. He might still pump it & dump it, so it’s really up to you to be able to figure out what he’s really up to by paying attention to him while he’s talking about issues that are important to you and might not even be a consideration to him.

      Either way, Nine Months is a long-ass time to stall a dude for sex, so you’ve probably been declared a Hostile Witness by now, which is a term used in court when one side calls a witness and then the witness doesn’t say what they’re supposed to and the lawyer petitions the judge to be able to treat the witness as if he or she were called by the opposite team. Communication’s your only way to figure this out, and at this point, he may be willing to lie to get on, because who cares if you catch him in the lie anyway? He finally got his 9-month reward.

      Anyway.. From what you wrote, I don’t see this situation working out well in your favor if you start hooking up with him now, so see if you can talk to him and see if his interest in spending time with you increases, decreases or stays the same.

      Good Luck! 😀

  55. Thanks soo much for replying 🙂
    What your saying makes a lot of sense.
    To explain the 9 month thing, I probably should have mentioned this but, Im 20 and yes I am still a virgin but I didnt want to rush into sex with him because at the time I was not ready. Plus, the only reason it stretched out for 9 months is because we had busy schedules (mostly on his part though)and we only saw each other maybe 4 or 5 times throughout those 9 months.
    As well, I have tried to communicate with him. And you were right, he acts as if taking it to the next level never seemed to cross his mind. I’m positive he’s gettin booty on the side.
    Also, I tried to seek advice from my girlfriends. Basically, they told me that I should wait until we are in a relationship to give it up (To avoid being perceived as a hoe). But clearly, that plan has NOT worked out for me.
    As you can probably tell, I am very new to “The Game.” I know this is a completely crazy situation that I have created. But I’m thinking that I’m probably going to start fresh with a new guy. Maybe I’ll just be friends with the current guy I’m speaking about(maybe with benefits) who knows. All I know is that its not going to work out with this guy.
    Thanks for ur help!! 😀

    1. I suspected you might have been a virgin because 9 months is excessive. Women who like sex aren’t interested in putting THEMSELVES through an almost year-long hiatus and probably would have bounced from the situation already or hannled they own bidnezz on the regular while freezing him out in some kind of strategic ploy to get him to commit.

      From what I’ve read, there *IS* no next level. If you’ve only spent time with him 4 or 5 times over 9 months, that’s honestly not enough for a guy to feel like he’s talking to his girlfriend. Let’s say, hypothetically, that you hooked up with him (which I seriously do NOT recommend)… What do you expect him to do?.. Wait another month and a half before he sees you again to get laid the next time? Won’t happen. He’ll take it when you have it for him, but other than that, he’s gonna ‘get in where he fit in’.

      Your homegirls’ advice is dumb. Go read “Why you got dumped after sex”. The point isn’t for you to not “look like a ho”. The point is for you to do what’s right for you and what’s healthy for you, mentally and physically. I’m telling you right now.. If I were the type of person to wait 9 months (or even 9 weeks, for that matter) to have sex with a chick, her finally giving it up wouldn’t have any effect on how I felt about her as a person. She would have become an event to me, not a potential girlfriend. What use do I have for a chick that doesn’t want to hook up with me? \o/

      Based on the new information, this is what I’d do. Have a face-to-face conversation with him and let him know that you’ve decided that you’re not ready to have sex yet, emotionally. The smart counter by him would be to say that he understands and respects that and still wants to spend time with you. If he tries to convince you against what you told him you feel, he’s probably thinking selfishly, increasing the likeliness of a hit & quit. If he bails entirely or says he’s “going to start” dating other girls because he needs to get laid, you have your answer as far as what he would have been doing between the times that he got to see you anyway.

      From his behavior, I can’t see this situation escalating into any format of BF/GF relationship because you finally gave it up. Being that your goal is to be in a relationship, I can’t see you achieving that with this particular dude. You don’t have to go the “Just Friends” route with him, but chalk this one up to a “crush”. You like him a lot and you fantasize about this guy being your boyfriend… but IMO the price of admission is too high for you to pay and the ride’s going to be too short in hindsight.

      Too many chicks end up like “I gave it up for THAT? :/”. Don’t be one of them.

  56. You need an article on “Why She won’t call you her Boyfriend” It’s 2010, you actually have strong independent women with options now honey. Until you prove you stand out of the crowd and DESERVE me…why would you have rights to claim me. Ladies shouldn’t be sitting around and be happy when a man asks her to be his girlfriend, instead…ask the man “why should you be by boyfriend? why do you deserve to be my boyfriend? How do you meet my expectations to be my boyfriend?”

    1. I don’t know how I missed this! 😀

      That’s a great idea, DW. “Why she won’t call you her boyfriend”! 😀

      You’re absolutely right about there being no reason for a gal to submit to a guy unless he could prove to her why he stands out in the crowd.

      I’m going to think about this and definitely write a post if I can come up with enough material. Thanks for the idea! 😀

  57. I have been with this guy for 2yrs now… at first I didnt care about the “title”, but now that we have introduced each other to our entire families (parents/aunts/grandparents & more), I am concerned that we need to make it official. We go on vacations together, we lived together for a while (recently moved back home), however, we never had “the talk”. One time I asked if a title makes a difference, his reply was “no, a mans actions makes the difference” …I have been 100% happy with him- but recently we had a really big argument and he said “I’m not your man!” …I couldn’t argue that because at the end of the day- we never made it official, and so he is right! Although his mom calls me her daughter in-law, I am a huge part of his sons life, and all of his cousins tell me how much they can tell that he “loves” me… all that went out of the window ater his comment! I guess I want to know if I should end things. Apart of me thought- maybe he was mad… but I da*n sure do not make excuses for any man! It is what it is. I am not his girl and some men will do everything I just explained and can mean nothing! What should I do? I love him but WTF!!?

  58. I also would like to mention that when we first met- we agreed to taking our time because we both had been in 4yr long relationships. He explained to me that his was very crazy (baby mama), whom I have had a few issues with at first because she was angry about him bringing their child around me (who calls me his daddy’s girlfriend). I have always been respectful about it, i actually understand that things can be hard letting go.. he is the one who told me she is very pissed about him being with me and now she will not speak to him, only communicates via grandparents. why go through all of this for nothing?

    1. Hey Gie.

      This sounds like a situation where he has the best of both worlds. He has full access to you and whenever he doesn’t want to feel restricted, he reminds you that you have no legal rights over him, whatsoever.

      The real question here is whether you’d like to start all over from scratch with a new guy or remain in the pocket with your current boyfriend. As far as you’re concerned, he definitely IS your boyfriend. The only question is whether HE’S on board with the same idea.

      The thing you don’t want to do is make a hasty decision based on something you saw on television or something one of your girlfriends told you. You have to figure out what works for YOU and what doesn’t. Personally, I agree with what he said.. There are lots of women that have the title of girlfriend or fiancee or wife and they’re getting cheated on left and right. There are lots of women that have no title at all and they’ve had loving relationships to the same guy for years.

      It really all comes down to whether you feel like he’s in your corner or not. When you determine how down for you he is, then you have to decide if that’s enough for you or whether you require more. Lastly, you have to figure out if having a title with a different guy is worth more to you than not having a title, but being in a relationship with your current guy.

  59. Ok Bill, Wow…all these situations sound quite like mine with the exception of a few things….first of all we have been doing whatever this is for about 4 months, and we long distance so have a double whammy. We were official or so I thought about two months in, and I tried not to put emphasis on titles, but he seem to be uncomfortable about making that decision and I can tell in his vibe…which in turn made me feel umcomfortable. Though we talk daily at least 5 times I was not feeling like it was real. Example, he would refer to me by name, as his friend, as his woman, and his lady…but he is really standoffish amd would be very general when we talk about relationship issues….what I would do is ask him questions in a round about and would be really evasive, because like you said he didn’t want to talk about it. What took the cake for me was when he was talking to me and told me “I told my friend, my friand Tiana does that too” I instantly cringed. I didn’t say anything right away. That night we were talking about me moving there to be with him next year…he said he would be ready as long as he was in order. He is contactor so he wanted to see where he is at when the time comes. In the back of my mind I am thinking about him calling me his friend earlier that day and thinking are you kidding me?The lack of what I saw as acknowledgement of where we stand was eating me up. I was not about to keep the sharade up that I was relationship when it didn’t feel like one. When i told him about how I felt earlier, thats when he started giving me the run around again saying he has so many things to focus on that is why he has been so non committal. He said that when talks to people he tells them he dating and getting to know someone. The conversation turned heated and I said to him “Either yes we are dating and we are together, or no we aren’t together and are not dating” and he told as you said earlier when men are pressured “Fine since you want an answer no we are not dating and no we are not together” POW…we hung up and two hours later talked again for about 2 hours and during the conversation he says to me”I love you I really do,you are my friend and you are very important to me” …then later that night we fell asleep on the phone. Which brings us to the last two days….I woke up yesterday morning to a text saying “GM Hunee” I am this point feeling like I cannot do this…this doesn’t feel right. I can’t fight this man I need to let him go..I am being strung along. We text a few times throughout the day yesterday. I told him I am feeling some kind of way and he asked if we could talk after he got of school…needless to say I didn’t call or text thoughout the morning. He called me a left me a voicemail really chipper..I didn’t respond…He text a few hours later..and sent a very short response then an attitude came across is in his text following..I asked why he was doing that…he said I seem distant. In my mind I am like really??? are you kidding me? I was either demoted or was never in relationship with you to begin with and now you wanna notice I am distant now? At this point I have not responded to the text, I am so infruiated I don’t really wanna talk. I dont wanna all emotional but I am downright angry…I refuse to settle to make him happy and I feel like this is all a game. I know this may sound funny…but he is not a bad fact he is great….but I am not sure if I am great for him or if his great for me. If he is….I really cant tell…but I feel like if you wanna focus…dont let me and my desires be an obstacles. I realize I have made a lot of mistakes in how I handled things..but its not one sided. At first I thought for sure I wanted to hang in there…but I unsure what there is to hang in for? By the way this all happened within the 28th and 29th of this month..just madnes

    1. Hey Tiana. 🙂 Yes.. You do have a typical situation. Yes.. It’s compounded by it being a LDR.

      I’m sure I say this every single day, but I’m going to say it again 😀 .. Unless a guy has some kind of personal plan to have kids and a wife, we either have girls or we don’t and we don’t think about it any more than that. We have someone to spend time with or we don’t. We have someone to talk to or we don’t. We have someone to have sex with or we don’t. And I don’t mean that in a singular “someone”.. I just mean we either have zero girls or “more than zero” girls and that’s all that matters.

      Unfortunately, because of this very issue of titles, a lot of women don’t want to make themselves useful unless you tell them that you’re in an exclusive relationship with them. You don’t actually have to BE exclusive with them, you just have to be willing to say so. This is why it’s easy to have multiple girlfriends, because y’all all fall for the same tricks.

      If this dude would have dotted his i’s and crossed his t’s, he would have made a specific point of calling you GIRLFRIEND whenever you were within earshot. He also would have made sure to refer to you as his girlfriend whenever any girls that are friends of yours are around so they don’t run back and snitch on him. He elected not to do that.

      Not only that, but when you pressed him for a title, he would have much rather been RID OF YOU and not having to call you his girlfriend than keeping you and having to call you “Girlfriend”. I think that was an honest statement/move on his part. The alternative was to give you the title and then regret it because that’s not how he feels.

      So, he gets credit for not maintaining the charade that at this point in time he plans to get married to you and doesn’t intend to date any other women. He could very easily have done that.

      He DOESN’T get credit for being a guy that thinks he needs to do anything he can possibly do to keep you. That seems to be what you (and pretty much every other female on the planet) is looking for.. A guy that’s going to claim you exclusively and give you some kind of verbal guarantee that he intends to be with you for a long time and potentially marry you and/or start a family.

      Having said that.. Just because he doesn’t feel that way now doesn’t mean he’ll never feel that way in the future, so you have to decide whether you want to keep going exclusively with him, keep dating him but start seeing other guys so all your eggs aren’t in one basket or stop dating him and start all over with a different guy that you attempt to procure the exact same agreement from.

      Just be clear that we see you coming. Any guy that knows what he’s doing is going to exploit the fact that you’re looking for a LTR to the fullest and promise you anything he has to in order to get on because he knows he’s going to get what HE wants WAAAAAY before he ever has to make good on any of his promises to you.

      1. I hear you loud and clear. And thanks for the response this info I will take heed to. I have been taking some time to truly get my emotions under control with all this craziness and emotional turmoil..

        In the beginning I was not really hung up on the title thing That didn’t happen until I started seeing the flags of confusion. I was pretty much ok. I really wanted to make sure we were on the same page. After all you can’t be in relationship or situation by yourself.

        Since I posted this things have been kind of different.I did text him the next morning about 630am just asking if he was at work which started a conversation by text that lasted until I went work to work about one 1pm. During the conversation he said some things in text that I kept to share with you, because I knew you would respond soon:)

        It made me really open my eyes a bit. He said I make him feel like he is on the witness stand with all my questions (I gasped because I was really offended)…but he has gotten used to it, and also that it puts him in a lil ball getting questioned once a week because I am ok for a bit then the questioning starts again and he fill like I am gonna buss him up (his exact words…lol…I know its not funny but dang.) He also said he is feeling introverted and under duress because he has so much on his plate having to fight again for custody of his daughter, with work, being a contractor, not knowing if he is gonna have job and looking for a new one, and still all the financial, burden of the custody case, his parents both passing away within 2 months of last year, and trying to keep that from being a bigger issue….I do truly understand I do….but it does not make me feel any less than I feel. One thing he said that did throw me was…he feels like his feelings are under attack…that’s why he doesn’t let his emotions out. He also told me he worries about me because I flip flop..I am ok..and then here comes the questions. It made feel like if I don’t stop I am going to push this man completely away. In the midst of all this he apologized to me..And even got a little attitude when I was like maybe I need a little space. (Maybe not the best thing to say? After I said it I felt like a kid acting out because I wasn’t getting my way.)

        To clarify the distance came from me as far as communicating the five days or so. I knew I was emotionally distraught, so I scaled back on communication to keep from acting irrationally. When he text me I replied cordially, ,but left him to go about his day. I talked to him today and he was a chatter box…and guess what? He brought up the issue with the questions. I was like wow..What happened to the man that just leaves it be? It was peaceful conversation, …and he let me know that when I ask him something he says I don’t feel like talking because I he knows if he says he is uncomfortable answering or says he will get back to me I might get mad. I told him that is the contrary.. I am a very direct person, and I would like if he would tell me just that.

        In lew of all this rewind to bout a month ago, he did change his numbers and cut alot of people out. Before he did it he told me he felt a need to change his ways, and then told me was changing his numbers (hence at least SOME of the females I suppose). I never questioned him about it, I just told him I don’t know what you did that made you have this ephineny..and I don’t know that I want to know….but I am still here it didn’t have anything to do with me or my well being. Again, this man has really not been a bad man to me, just like you said Bill not doing things as I want them done. I am ready, but one thing I have learned is that we as women get overly excited when we think we have a GOOD man in our lives and try to snatch them up because the decent ones seem to be harder to come by. I know we need to stop, but that is where we pressure and it makes it worse.

        I keep hearing make him miss you and he will open his eyes, but how much more can I do? We are already in an LDR. I think I have fallen back as far as I can without walking and seeming uninterested. I want to be supportive and understanding, not a burden on him or myself emotionally, at the same I need to where I really fit into all this? Is that so wrong? I mean I have spent time with him and his daughter when we see each other, he caters to me as much as he can in the LDR (in fact he even said one day in one of famous questioning sessions it would be so much easier if I was there or he were here). Like you said in your blog Where Is This Relationship Going we get so hung up titles we might end up letting a good thing go. I don’t care about the title, I care about know where I fit into life. RIGHT NOW, we are really only 4 months in. I am not a selfish person clearly and not completely emotionally irrational, but I do need to have my interest looked after in all this. Should I walk way? Is it bad timing? Just focus on other things and stay dealing with him? I am sooooooo indecisive at this point.

  60. Ok Bill sorry..the last of what you said in general terms about my situation and future situations…to touch on that. You are right…I did have the option to be this point….not ready to go that route. My guy friend told me something that you might agree with.. and that I found interesting. He said until you or him decides to move to one another try not to worry so much and just enjoy what you have….and I would have to be a fool to think he is sitting there lonely, and I shouldn’t either..yet you know us women and our emotional stuff..smh..that will be harder for me to do then him. And you know we always have an excuse..he is too busy for all that he has a lot going on…but that is a unrealistic..NO..nieve way of thinking.

    All women should know by now…nothing we do is going to make a man our man..they have to decide on there own. On top of that if they do as you said, end up doing something to make us happy it would basically be relationship he will resent.

    At first..I will be honest with you. I did let men know what I was looking for (LTR.) I thought if would scare them off if they were looking for something other than what I was. WRONG… Now I don’t because I know they will play on it. I get better at all this with each obstacle. I know I am impatient as well…. but I am 34 and I am not getting no younger. Hell…from whats happened to me thus far, maybe I should not be looking to give no one the title of my man…and I should just keep my “friends”

    1. Apparently, the main problem in your relationship is the word “Questions”.

      It seems, from what you’ve written, that you ask him a lot of questions. 🙂 I will imagine that the questions are perceived by him to be intrusive into his personal business, of which none is yours.

      One of the problems with relationships is that people get this idea that they have some sort of ownership or control over the other person. I’m not saying you feel this way or act that way, but the easy way to avoid someone’s questioning/nagging is to exit the relationship. All of a sudden, they don’t feel like they have any “right” to ask about the other person’s business and all is right with the world.

      OTOH, Women can’t afford to be complacent and just go along with anything that happens in their relationship, so it’s a ‘rock & a hard place’ issue.

      Unfortunately, none of us has crystal balls…. Nobody can tell what’s going to happen in the future of a relationship, even through intense interrogation. The questioning might give him incentive to do the right thing by you and the questioning might make him say “screw this” and look for a relationship that doesn’t include nagging.

      Either way, you have to learn for yourself what feels right to you to do. It’s nice to listen to what your friends say about different techniques and all, but at the end of the day, you’re the one that has to be satisfied with what YOU did, whether it works out for you in the long run or not.

  61. Tiana and Gie, I don’t get it. I really don’t. I know dating and hoping
    for a LTR can be rough, and that many women are hesitant to let go of
    any current arrangement that even resembles an authentic relationship.
    The cases you present seem awful. Gie waiting two years for a…talk?
    about what each of you are feeling and what you wish to do together, or
    not? Tiana seeing the signs so clearly and still holding out hope for
    this man to love her back? I’ve heard it thousands of times from
    wonderful, kind, attractive, capable women who lose their marbles when
    it comes to reality about relationships.
    Being alone is better than being pathetic. The fear of being alone, for
    most women, is gi-normus. Exaggerated Hyperbole of what being single
    would actually entail.
    It is almost guaranteed (look at your own track record) that guys will,
    indeed, come around again. You’ll fancy one enough to go out to dinner
    or whatever, and shortly thereafter, have sex with him. Which will make
    you like him and begin the process of talking to your girlfriends and
    maybe even writing to Bill about the possibilities during the
    excitement of the “what does this mean” stage. Once most women have sex
    with a guy, they fall right smack into what they refer to as love. This
    is where Bill tries his BEST to help you out, and where most women fall
    right off of the reality wagon.
    This limbo, in which I see Tiana and Gie suffering like penitentes is
    horrid and a waste of time and life force. Get out. Brush yourself off.
    Fix yourself up. Laugh at your own foibles. Go outside. That’s it. Men
    will appear and hit on you. You play ennie meenie minee moe. Pick one.
    If you think he makes you feel wonderful realize it is you who is doing
    the feeling wonderful because of your own capacity for it. Don’t start
    ascribing attributes to him beyond his station. Enjoy him. Stay focused
    on his actions rather than his words. And make some space to see what
    happens rather than scripting it and sitting around moping and
    disappointed when it doesn’t go how you planned, or as you had hoped.
    Be yourself and stop fearing. There is always sex. Always the
    opportunity. Just don’t go tightening up the story as soon as that
    happens. Be cool. Trust in abundance and the goodness of the Universe.
    Laugh Out Loud. And be happy living a fearless life!!!!!!! Otherwise,
    seriously consider a prop up, cut-out cardboard boyfriend. You’d be
    happier than you are now.

    1. “Being alone is better than being pathetic.”

      “If you think he makes you feel wonderful realize it is you who is doing the feeling wonderful because of your own capacity for it.”

      True. That. Christine! 😀

  62. Christine & Bill…I get where you are both coming from and you are right I may be a little scared…but in my case I find I am more scared because I messed it up by pushing with the questions and being too available. I assumed with us being in LDR that was the best thing to do was to be available. I am not saying he is completely right…but I can only check myself and what issues I brought to the situation. This is the first time in my life that a man has actually brought this matter to the fore front with me. When he broke it down to all the questions and how they made him feel..I must say I was a bit embarrassed. Bill you have said quite a few times about us women making a big deal about titles..and things were going just fine as they were (or so I thought). He is still very much around but I have my reality check. There is no need for me to be exclusive at this point or to continue as I am. I don’t know where this going or if it will go any where so its really a matter of us being on the same level in our situation. I cannot push or convince anyone to see things my way. At this point I am going to focus more on myself because there is entirely too much of my energy being spent on trying to sort this this out…though he probably is not thinking anything along the lines I am. I just have to “do me” and see how things go…but I WAS wasting time right now on trying to mold and sculpt…I will admit that openly. So at this point it is what it is. I am a good woman…not saying I am perfect…but I am a good woman..and he or someone else will end up seeing that. as long as correct what pretty much has become a matter. See there it is. Not blaming any one but me for MY actions. Thanks to you both and everyone posting. It is a great eye opener as well to see what others going through…it helps in making positive changes as well.

    1. This is the thing, Tiana… People put things in movies and on television and proclaim them as ideals. THIS is how your relationship should be. THIS is how your man should act. If he’s not doing THIS, he doesn’t care about you and you should bounce.. BLAH BLAH BLAH Meanwhile.. People are all individuals. We all do different things and act different ways and what you have to strive to do is get to know someone and have them get to understand you and THEN decide whether you want to try for a LTR with this person.

      Someone impressed upon you that asking a bunch of questions would have some kind of positive or controlling effect on your relationship. That’s not necessarily true. It might make a guy go “Let me be careful, because she’s always asking me questions and I don’t want to get caught and potentially lose my relationship! :O”. It also might make a dude go “Damn.. This bitch is mad nosey, sunn. Screw This! Let me hook up with a different chick”.

      Same thing with PDA (Public Displays of Affection). Some people are into it, some are not. If you try to kiss someone while other people are watching, they might reject you because that’s not their thing or they might appreciate you for not trying to act like a prude in public. You don’t know, because it’s an individual you’re dealing with.

      So the ultimate goal is to a) figure out who YOU are, and what YOU want.. and b) find people that fit that bill and are looking for what you’re bringing to the table. If that becomes something exclusive, good for you… At least, it’ll be fun while it lasts.

      1. You are right Bill…I know you are aware of the classic thing women do when they desire a LTR…that would be get overly excited and overly invested and become blind to what is really going on right in front of them. We tend to do this prematurely before we know who we are really dealing with. At a time when we are still an option not a priority. I am realizing that I need to give any man that I deal with time to get to know me and vice versa instead of coming with questions and let it become what it may be if anything.

        My pattern of the questions like you said can have two different outcomes. As far as where I got that from it apparently is a trust issue….so I turned to kind of interrogation tactics….again I admit that WAS my flaw and probably has cost me.Pretty much scaring them away coming across high strung with all the questions. Feeling if I question I would save myself some heartache…ultimately trying to protect myself when I was actually making it worse. Trying to CONTROL being hurt….I been hurting myself.

        I am not beating myself up by any means…Tiana is just really having a reality check. (Yes..I am talking in third I think ladies….all need take heed to decisions we are making and stop blaming men for our part in matter and for them not doing what we want. We should have expectations and not settle at the same time…just realize that does not equate to getting our way in every aspect or settling for a lousy partner…Thank you so much Bill

        1. “overly excited”, “overly invested”, “blind to reality”… Yup.

          I like “an option and not a priority”. 🙂

          Good idea on the “Get to know each other” front.

          To my long-time readers, that would seem to be a contradictory statement. The reason it isn’t is that there’s a difference between getting on and becoming involved in a LTR. All you need to hook up with someone is to know that you’re attracted to them, which you FEEL when you’re around them or when you think about them. If you’re going to do more with them than have sex, such as introduce them to your friends and family (and kids, if you have them), you’re going to want to know that the two of you are compatible on a FRIENDSHIP level instead of just on a physical/lust-based level.

          Feeling if I question I would save myself some heartache…ultimately trying to protect myself when I was actually making it worse.

          The reason questioning doesn’t save heartache is that it’s easy to LIE and then you don’t get any of the answers you were asking for, *AND* dude resents you for being a busybody and a nag.

          If he was at the strip club, he’ll say he was playing poker at his friend’s house. His friend will already be prepared to lie for him if you run into his friend in the street. All the bases are covered. You can’t get ANY information from him that he doesn’t want to give you. You’re not even a court of law. He can’t even be prosecuted for lying to you. There are no consequences, whatsoever.

          He tells the truth and you get mad and withhold sex. He lies and you believe you “beat it out of him in interrogation” and you feel good about yourself and give it up. Nobody’s interested in telling you the truth. We’re interested in getting laid.

          Trying to CONTROL being hurt….I been hurting myself.

          I remember when I was maybe 15 years old.. There was this chick that I was really sweating and she liked this other guy. It was pretty devastating to me and it felt bad. I guess this is what you mean by “hurt”.

          My response to this, as a kid, was to vow not to sweat any chicks that hard so that I wouldn’t feel this way if I didn’t get the rap. Eventually, once I had more chicks than I could deal with during my free time for socialization in college, I a) had forgotten about that one chick entirely, and b) realized that “You win some, You lose some. \o/”.

          Part of the problem that adults have when they’re involved in The Game is that they don’t want to consider that they might lose. They take it personally. They believe that they SHOULD be able to get someone to become sexually exclusive with them but they have no facts to back that belief up. They believe that they SHOULD be able to get someone to marry them, but they wouldn’t be able to prove why. It’s all based on a fantasy. A myth. “There’s someone for everyone”. It’s just not true.

          Even if there IS someone for everyone, YOU don’t get to choose who that someone is. If that someone is fat, ugly and broke and you pass that person up because you don’t want to spend time with them, your “someone” went down the drain.

          Meanwhile, people believe in “The One”, but then when that relationship doesn’t work out, they select another “The One” as if “One” doesn’t mean ONE! :/ .. It’s really stupid, but it’s passed down from generation to generation just like Santa Claus.

          There’s lots of blame on the male side of these situations, for sure. However, like you said, women have to think about their part as well.

          On that show “Teen Mom”, Maci moved 120 miles away from where her family AND her baby’s father’s family live so that she could be close to where her new boyfriend lives. She proceeded to alienate her new boyfriend by constantly wanting to spend time with him to the point where he broke up with her, stating that as the reason.

          It’s not in the edit, but I suspect there are other reasons as well… First of all.. Every time Maci mentions a boyfriend, it’s always so her son can have a stable household and see “how things are supposed to be”. That’s not why she should be dating a dude. She should be dating him because she feels physically and emotionally interested in him. He should be dating her for the same reason. It’s nice to be a father-figure to somebody else’s kid, haha but the only reason to add a chick into your life is that you want to mess with her and have a good time. I haven’t seen one single scene in that show where it looked like Kyle was about to get laid by Maci. Not one. hahaha SSSSSSSSSSEEYA! 😀

          Second, just because Maci lives closer now doesn’t mean that Kyle wants to see her every day. Especially if she’s not hooking up with him, he’s got better stuff to do. If she wants a babysitter, she needs to work out a schedule with Kyle and pay him for his time while he meets other chicks that are down to get physical… Basically, Maci forced the life that Ryan (the baby’s father) “should” have been living with her on Kyle. That’s like having to pay taxes without making any money. **** THAT! 😀

          So think about what you want out of a relationship, but find civilized ways to get it. Nobody’s going to appreciate being interrogated and nobody has to tell you the truth, either.

          Like you said.. Get to know guys to the point where you BELIEVE that they have your best interests at heart and THEN consider making them some kind of exclusive boyfriend or whatever. Doing it the other way FEELS like you’re in some sort of deep relationship when there’s no way you possibly could be because neither one of you knows anything about each other except that you both verbally agreed that you were dating each other.

  63. I noticed WAYBACK that most men who show an interest will break themselves to get with me, as long as I never let them touch me. regardless of how much time and energy I put into my appearance. only a small percentage in the interested parties category will stop trying, until I tell them to give up, or I give it up. maybe it’s because I gravitate toward competitive people. If I have sex with a man I associate with, I will probably be devalued in his eyes. It’s not that there’s something wrong with them,or they have a madonna complex, or even that they’re addicted to the chase. it’s that they got what they wanted. once they got it, check please. makes sense to me. when I get what I want, I’m done negotiating. much like you don’t keep looking for your keys after you find them. This understanding has shaped my sexual choices.

  64. THANK YOU!!! Everything I knew deep down, but could never get anyone to say… I feel as if all of my instincts have just been completely validated.

  65. ok so he hasnt called me his gf but introduced me to a friend as “(my name)the girl im seeing” what does this mean?

  66. I love this article it’s very true
    I like the fact that you give pros n cons
    And it relates to me in a way but confuses me

    Cause I’ve been seeing this guy for a year and a half now, we slept together, we argue we make up .. He takes me out, I chill with him n his friends, I know his friends, family… But no commitment .. I left him for a few months cause I got fed up he text me trying to get me to see him.. I know he’s talks to other chicks n he knows I know.. But one day I try to hope he’ll ask me out n be commited to me but after speaking to my friends and readying your article I’m just fooling myself and it’s high time I leave n never turn back’

    But keep writing more stuff
    Luv it 🙂

    1. Hey Seiko. 🙂

      The thing about the dating game is that some guys have no intention of having just one chick. It just doesn’t make any sense. Why bother having one when you can have two, three, or seven? 😀

      So the main thing is for you to get to a position with him where he’ll have an honest, authentic conversation with you and REALLY tell you whether he’s interested in having a girlfriend or wife AT ALL, in the first place, and whether he’s considering YOU that way in the second place.

      Good Luck! 😀

  67. I am a cougar I suppose — not in the sense that I prowl for younger men to “bag” as some sort of hunt as the name suggests, but I am young for my age and happen to be attracted to younger men.

    I am 54 (I do not look it — so many tell me)and attractive still. My man is 34 and we have a very intimate thing going on. We also live together.

    Recently, we were at a store and the female clerk asked what our relationship was to each other (which I thought was an odd ass question) he replied, “she’s one of my besties.” It hurt. Badly.

    I understand on one level, I truly do, but I feel so diminished by that one little statement that I am now wondering if I should simply move out and let him find someone he is comfortable with. I know the age thing is just not acceptable to a lot of folks. But I constantly have younger men hitting on me — it is not as if I look like an old lady! LOL

    I am very down about this. But it is what it is I guess and I would rather have an honest response than a lie. It just hurts when someone tells you that you are their soul mate, etc. And then gives this response to a question leveled at them by an attractive cashier. I wish him the best. It bites.

    1. Sorry I took so long to respond to this, SRC.

      The thing is.. Regardless of how he actually feels about you, there’s no way a guy is going to tell some other chick “This is my girlfriend” and potentially blow his chance to hook up with the chick he’s talking to and/or some of her girlfriends.

      I know that isn’t what you wanted to hear, but guys that aren’t scheming will say directly “This is my girlfriend/fiancee/wife/whatever”, and make it clear to the next chick that they aren’t on the market for sex.

      Also, logically, he could have called you his girlfriend while you were standing there, then returned to the store later and recanted, saying that he only said that for your benefit. That would have kept you feeling good and still had his foot in the door for sex with the cashier.

      Ultimately, it really doesn’t matter what people say, though I realize why you felt hurt by that.

      What matters is how people act, and whether they’re trying to be a positive or negative influence on your life.

  68. Thanks Bill! I have been using sex as a bartering piece myself and was just doing some research to defend my argument. You just made my argument for me. Kudos for your honesty and thank you for just proving my theory to a T… Men are Jerks!

    1. lol 🙂 You’re welcome, Angel. 🙂

      The same way you say you’re using sex to barter, guys barter for your sex.

      It’s the way the system works. Participate, or don’t. 🙂


  69. So, I met this guy at a bar and he compliments me on my hair and asks me for my number. while socializing with my friends at the bar. I noticed he told this girl to call him. He told me that he wanted to take me and my friend out to lunch the next day, but he never did. However, He did call me that day, but only ask what I was doing and wonder if we could hangout later on that evening. A few weeks has passed by and we started to get to know each other a little bit. I noticed when we kick it, girls call his phone asking if he’s up? He says he’s not talking to anyone really and enjoys my company. now lately he wants to have sex w/ me (unprotected), which I refused to let happen. He has a kid already. However, he did give me head unexpectedly and expected the same in returned, but I don’t do that. He says he wants to make love to me and I just laughed and said you don’t even know me. so, why would you want to do that. His response is he likes me and like to around me. I told him we should wait but he’s not willing to wait he wants to get it over with now. I asked him where we stand at he says ” Up there”. he said once he hit that i’ll be his girlfriend. My response is why not now? you know what’s the difference. why do I have to have sex with you to be your girlfriend. Also he keeps putting the idea that he’s older and he’s not on kiddy games. He’s in his late 20’s. I just can’t take him seriously. he says i don’t have to worry about the other girls. I just don’t believe him. what’s up with this situation?

    1. Hey Sasha.

      First of all, you should *NEVER* have unprotected sex with this dude evAr in life, because he’s obviously running the same game on all’a y’all chicks, and he hooks up with whichever ones of y’all fall for it.

      Second, you will *NOT* be his girlfriend after you give it up.. Meaning you won’t get any more rights and privileges than you currently have. You may, in fact, never hear from him again, because you’ve been such a PITA to get some sex from that he’s not going to feel like working for it again after he sexes you one time.

      In fact, there’s no such thing as a girlfriend without sex.

      That’s called a friend.

      The girls are calling his phone because they’re checking to see if he’s available to kick it.

      He’s obviously running the same game on all of you, so if you want to be involved in that, continue to talk to this guy.

      If he had been smart, he would have lied to you, called you his girlfriend, you would have given it up, and he would have bounced already.

  70. Thanks Bill, Every time i’m around him. He’s always bringing up Instagram like do you ever look at my pictures? How come you don’t like them? Every time I posted up a picture he always like them and he feels like since he likes my pictures all the time he seems like he’s one of my fans or something, but what does that have to do with me. If you like my pictures you can like them nobody forced you to like my picture. I noticed that when i met him he put a picture of us on instagram saying s/o to my homie then deletes it later on saying people were asking questions and he didn’t want me to have drama but I notice he puts up a new picture saying s/o to my new homie. I’m like so confused but he didn’t delete that picture because it was at his so called video shoot. Also, Yesterday he came over. He ask me have I been cheating on him but “are not in a relationship”. so why he keeps asking this? he talked about how he wants to be loved and I told him me too. It seems like he wants me to tell him I love him and miss him all the time but why? then before he left he seen a guy watch on my dresser which been there for months from the last kick off I had at my house. He just now noticed it but it has been sitting in the same spot and he never said nothing about it until now. He got mad saying you’ve been having other guys around I thought you don’t have male friends and you a good girl since that’s what he’s looking for. Is he just making an excuse to end this so called relationship. then says I have hoes and all us girls are the same.then gives me a handshake after he leaves (after sex). He usually gives me a kiss.The next day when i call him he didn’t answer. Previous, He always talk about I call during booty time hours, which is when i’m leaving the club. I just want to see him and he says well I’m sleep. Lately, He always use a excuse of not having money that’s why he can’t take me out because you have to have money to date someone but he has a job but seem to have money when the latest jordans came out which was just recently.

    1. Please don’t fall for that Okey-Doke. 🙂

      Guys will tell females ANYTHING to knock y’all off your game.

      The more confused you are, the better it is for us, because you don’t make any good decisions, and we keep getting laid.

      “If he likes it then he should have put a ring on it”. Remember that song? 😀

      If he didn’t “put a ring on it”, then he needs to STFU about who you spend time with, when you spend time with them, and what you do when you’re hanging out, because it’s none of his business.

      The thing is that having control over chicks is a sport. Guys get a self-esteem boost when they think a chick’s only sexing them. It’s like as if we did something magical or amazing, to captivate some chick in a way that no other guy on the planet could do it.

      So the idea that some other dude hit it and left his watch on your dresser makes him feel sad 🙁 awwwwwwww 🙁

      Fuhgeddabouddit. He’ll be back when he wants to hook up with you again. Don’t bother wasting your time and energy thinking about it.

  71. Rather than wasting your time agonising over why he won’t call you his girlfriend, my advice is to bail. Any man who pulls this is not worth your time. If you feel your relationship has reached a point where he should be referring to you as his girlfriend, but he isn’t, that is a huge, clanging alarm bell telling you this is not going to go anywhere. Take the hint, find some self respect and move on. Yes, I know that’s easy for me to say and super hard for you to do, but it’s the best advice you’ll get.

  72. Hi Bill…
    I hope you can help this girl out. I like to think of myself as sexy yet conservative.
    I have been seeing this guy for about 7months with a 3 week break this past October(my doing).
    He is very sweet and definitely wants to make sure I’m satisfied…if you know what I mean.
    We both have hectic work schedules but we still try to see each other a few times a week.

    He’s invited me to his house twice. The first time I snuck in and the second time was when no one was home; I left before his family came back because I wasn’t ready to meet them or I was scared..I don’t really know.

    Anyways, the point is I haven’t met any of his friends or family yet. I’ve asked to meet his friends but he gave me some sad excuse. When I didn’t fall back, he say that I was right and I should meet them soon but he didn’t sound too enthusiastic about it which turned me off.

    I told him that I’m not ok with being in a secret relationship and if all he wanted was to be fuck buddies then I’d be ok with it. He insisted that he enjoys spending time with me and that He’s not seeing anyone else. He said He wants me to meet his friends soon, but he hasn’t made any plans for me to meet them yet.

    Another thing, he’s only called me sexy, never beautiful. Beautiful feels more intimate than sexy. I feel like an object because he doesn’t text good morning anymore or asks about my day until late at night like I’m an afterthought. But when I back off texting, he would text me during the day. What’s his deal?

    I really like this guy, but he’s getting on my last nerve. Why is he so hot and cold? I keep getting mixed signals. I guess I just want to know if I’m wasting my time, because there are plenty of other guys I turned down for him that are waiting to hear back from me.

    1. Hey Confused. 🙂

      The obvious conflict here is that he claims that he isn’t seeing anyone else and isn’t interested in doing that, but he isn’t introducing you to anybody of import.

      My close circle of friends knows the chick(s) I’m involved with because they’ve met them in person because I like to do things and I like to share what I like do do with people I like to do them with.

      And that isn’t even in an exclusive situation.. I’m saying there’s no reason to hide ANYONE that you actually spend time with. Regardless of the title you give her, there’s no reason for people not to know who she is, or for her not to know who your close friends are.

      In fact, I might be on the phone with someone, put HER on the phone with them and go somewhere else! 😀 So that isn’t a good sign for you.

      I think you did the right thing by telling him directly what you were and weren’t interested in. I think he did the wrong thing and didn’t counter your offer with a concrete offer of his own. He should have put you on FB status, based on what you wrote.

      As far as sexy and beautiful, those are completely different things. 😀

      An ugly chick can be fantastically sexy.

      If he doesn’t like your face, I can see why he would avoid “beautiful”, but he’s not actually going to say that though.

      I think the hot and cold comes from his current state of success with other women.

      I agree with you that you’re an afterthought to him. Treat him accordingly.

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