From what I’ve read, there *IS* no next level. If you’ve only spent time with him 4 or 5 times over 9 months, that’s honestly not enough for a guy to feel like he’s talking to his girlfriend. Let’s say, hypothetically, that you hooked up with him (which I seriously do NOT recommend)… What do you expect him to do?.. Wait another month and a half before he sees you again to get laid the next time? Won’t happen. He’ll take it when you have it for him, but other than that, he’s gonna ‘get in where he fit in’.

Your homegirls’ advice is dumb. Go read “Why you got dumped after sex”. The point isn’t for you to not “look like a ho”. The point is for you to do what’s right for you and what’s healthy for you, mentally and physically. I’m telling you right now.. If I were the type of person to wait 9 months (or even 9 weeks, for that matter) to have sex with a chick, her finally giving it up wouldn’t have any effect on how I felt about her as a person. She would have become an event to me, not a potential girlfriend. What use do I have for a chick that doesn’t want to hook up with me? \o/

Based on the new information, this is what I’d do. Have a face-to-face conversation with him and let him know that you’ve decided that you’re not ready to have sex yet, emotionally. The smart counter by him would be to say that he understands and respects that and still wants to spend time with you. If he tries to convince you against what you told him you feel, he’s probably thinking selfishly, increasing the likeliness of a hit & quit. If he bails entirely or says he’s “going to start” dating other girls because he needs to get laid, you have your answer as far as what he would have been doing between the times that he got to see you anyway.

From his behavior, I can’t see this situation escalating into any format of BF/GF relationship because you finally gave it up. Being that your goal is to be in a relationship, I can’t see you achieving that with this particular dude. You don’t have to go the “Just Friends” route with him, but chalk this one up to a “crush”. You like him a lot and you fantasize about this guy being your boyfriend… but IMO the price of admission is too high for you to pay and the ride’s going to be too short in hindsight.

Too many chicks end up like “I gave it up for THAT? :/”. Don’t be one of them.

This situation is a definite RED LIGHT. As in “Hold your horses”. Dude’s going in the wrong direction.

As time goes on, guys are supposed to get MORE interested in spending time with you, not LESS interested. If dude’s letting you feel like it’s a burden for him to hang out with you, he obviously has something better to do = a different chick he’s working on or has already started hooking up with.

The key issue here is that he’s been trying to hook up with you for 9 months and you haven’t given it up yet. *NOW* is *NOT* the time to start.

I repeat: *NOW* is *NOT* the time to start hooking up with him. At this point, he’s very likely in “Let me **** this ***** before I skate” mode. If a dude has to wait 9 months for it, probably the only reason he’s still talking to you is the hope that ONE OF THESE DAYS, you’ll actually give it up and then he’ll be able to say “I worked the greater part of the year to get laid one time” instead of saying “I worked the greater part of the year and didn’t get any from her”.

This is assuming, of course, that you’re not getting him off in other ways… I personally don’t see ANY WAY that messing with him NOW is going to produce a positive turnaround in your relationship. It would probably remain the same with him feeling that at least he can get laid whenever he wants with you now, if not become just what you’re worried about, which is a “hit it & quit it” situation.

The way I see things, (which a lot of people don’t subscribe to, hahaha) is that if a chick isn’t having sex with a dude, she has ZERO leverage over him whatsoever. ZERO. Nothing. He can tell you all day and all night that he’s your boyfriend or whatever and the first chick that’s down with the program, he’s gonna take it AND she’s immediately going to be considered more important than you are. If there’s a choice between hanging out with her and getting laid or hanging out with you and NOT getting laid, you’re not getting the nod.

That’s why I suspect it’s so tough to get time with him, because he really doesn’t feel like spending ANY time with a chick he’s not hooking up with, so as long as he has a better option, including taking his chances meeting new girls around y’all’s way, that’s what he’d rather do. Basically, this means that as soon as he’s no longer interested in hooking up with you (due to repetition, your getting out of shape, whatever) or he meets a chick he likes messing with more than you, you’re finished.

Unfortunately, you’ve stalled him out for so long that this isn’t even an experimental situation. It’s not like you only waited a month and a half and then you’re making this decision. Nine Months is a deliberate sex embargo (unless you’re actually a virgin). You’ve now gone on 9-month-long record as saying “I like you, but I’m not going to have sex with you”. Some guys will resent that, although they’ll wait around like I said to see if you ever give it up in life.

On top of that, I would be surprised if he didn’t have another chick he was hooking up with and you’ve been the side chick for a long time already. You’re already like “The Other Woman”. Unless a lottery ticket falls out, I don’t see hooking up with you making him drop whichever gal(s) he’s already messing with to make you #1 and live happily ever after.

I think the only thing to do at this point is to have a conversation with him and see if you can get some honesty. Invite him to a neutral location such as the food court in the mall so you don’t have to worry about him trying to get on, and have a conversation with him about how you feel and how he feels about the relationship.

I know that Sophia is going to consider what I just wrote to be contradictory advice to what I’ve written before, but you have a really extreme circumstance here. :) I have no idea AT ALL why a guy would date a chick he wasn’t hooking up with for NINE MONTHS! :D At this point, it’s worth the gamble to bring up the “Where is this relationship going?” conversation merely to get his reaction to your questions and comments.

If he’s mostly like “I haven’t thought about it”, then you know that all he’s thinking about is trying to get laid, FINALLY! He might bite the bullet and tell you straight that he’s not interested in continuing dating you if you’re not going to hook up with him sometime soon. He might still pump it & dump it, so it’s really up to you to be able to figure out what he’s really up to by paying attention to him while he’s talking about issues that are important to you and might not even be a consideration to him.

Either way, Nine Months is a long-ass time to stall a dude for sex, so you’ve probably been declared a Hostile Witness by now, which is a term used in court when one side calls a witness and then the witness doesn’t say what they’re supposed to and the lawyer petitions the judge to be able to treat the witness as if he or she were called by the opposite team. Communication’s your only way to figure this out, and at this point, he may be willing to lie to get on, because who cares if you catch him in the lie anyway? He finally got his 9-month reward.

Anyway.. From what you wrote, I don’t see this situation working out well in your favor if you start hooking up with him now, so see if you can talk to him and see if his interest in spending time with you increases, decreases or stays the same.

Good Luck! :D

Your statement “Why lie to ourselves?? It’s better to be honest and be alone and spend the day with a girlfriend instead of dwelling over something that obviously didn’t mean much to the guy other than getting some.” is a fantastic takeaway.

That *very* understanding is what enables progressive thoughts and actions. It’s ABSOLUTELY better to be alone than to be in a fake relationship that a gal’s carrying on in her own mind without the guy being involved at all. I mean, she’s *ACTUALLY* alone anyway. :D She’s just making up excuses so she can try to make this particular relationship work.

All that does is let the guy know that whatever he does, she’s going to cover for him… against herself! :D It’s too easy. Candy from the baby. Being single or “alone” seems to be the scarier scenario, but being “with” someone that’s not with you is REALLY setting yourself up for some kind of horrific revelation down the line.

That’s the whole point. Just wake up. Recognize what’s real so you can write up your “pros vs. cons” list and make educated decisions. If you don’t want to believe a guy is cheating, then he’s *NOT* cheating, because you’ll never catch him… even if you catch him.