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Dating A Narcissist
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Narcissism is a pattern of traits and behaviors which signify infatuation and obsession with one’s self to the exclusion of all others and the egotistic and ruthless pursuit of one’s gratification, dominance and ambition.
Now… I don’t know anyone like that,
but since it was so much fun writing “Dating for Misanthropes”, I thought I’d explain to the ladies what they can expect from dating a Narcissist.
First of all, let’s make the distinction… A misanthrope doesn’t like you… because you’re wack. period. No way around that. A narcissist, OTOH, probably likes you. He may very well even love you, like, he’s not just saying that to get you to lay down. The problem for YOU is that regardless of how much he loves you, he loves himself WAY MORE, always has and always will. :D
So, right off the bat, you’ll never be #1 with someone who “suffers” with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), because he’s ALREADY #1 to himself.
Probably the largest hurdle for women in dating narcissists is attempting to gain any form of CONTROL in the relationship. You can’t have any control, because nobody cares what you think. I don’t, and neither do I. :D Basically, you can’t create any leverage for yourself with a narcissist, because he can “take you or leave you”. He still has himself, so who cares if you’re around or not?
On top of that, other chicks want him anyway, so if you vacate your spot, you just make an opportunity for the next gal. C’est La Vie. Bon Voyage!… SSSSSSSSSSSSEEEYA! “Don’t let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya!”. “I don’t need em, I let the WELFARE feed em”….
Being that you never achieve leverage, you don’t really have any executive say in what a narcissist does. He listens to your requests and decides whether to grant them or not. If you’re going to a dinner party with your boring-ass girlfriends and their dates, you’re most likely going BY YOURSELF, unless you get some other guy to go with you. There’s no reason for the narcissist to be bored out of his mind for hours on end. There’s also no incentive for him to go to the dinner party in the first place. If he wanted to meet your girlfriends, he’d be dating THEM instead of YOU.
Basically, anything you come up with, if it’s not better than what he already had planned, you’re “short”. You want to go to the opera when the game’s on? Bring me back a program. Peace!
Pretty much, you’re an accessory to Mr. NPD. This is one of the reasons he’s going to stay on top of how you dress. First of all, if you don’t look good to him, he’s not going to spend time with you AT.ALL. He doesn’t actually NEED you, so your purpose is to be visually, mentally and sensually stimulating to him. Basically, hanging out WITH YOU has to be better than hanging out WITH HIMSELF, which is ALWAYS a good time, so you need to make sure you stay jiggy fresh, so he’s inclined to invite you to chill with him evAr again.
Second, the fact that he’s spending time with you is an indication of his taste in women. If he’s embarrassed to be seen with you, he’s either going to stop hanging out with you, or just make sure he’s never seen with you in public.
So, it’s in your best interest to look as HAWT as possible for your narcissist at all times… especially considering that looking good and having sex are the only things you’re required to do, I figure you can AT LEAST handle that much. :)
Now, it’s not all downsides to dating Mr. NPD…. For one thing, the narcissist believes he’s the bomb-diggity when it comes to sex, so he’s not going to be satisfied until YOU’RE satisfied. :) He’s highly invested in his personal belief that he can RAWK you, so if you do yourself the favor of not faking orgasms, he’s going to keep trying different stuff until he hits that spot. “Regular” dudes have no such interest in your completion, so… you get what you get, hahahaha.
Also, if the narcissist actually agrees to spend time with you, that means he really WANTS TO. This means that as long as you look good and are fun to spend time with, he’s going to show you the best time he can possibly figure out. “Regular” guys, you know how THEY do…. They go wherever their women TELL THEM, but then they sit around like bumps on the proverbial logs, because they didn’t want to be there in the first place, but were to pussy to say so.
Third, the fact that the narcissist spends time with you indicates that he really likes you (not as much as himself, but whaddaya want?). This means that he’ll be happy to introduce you to people and happy to take you anywhere he’s invited. Also, everyone else who knows how self-absorbed he is will be impressed that he chose you.
So there are some of the pros and cons of dating a narcissist. There’s a good writeup on MayoClinic.com about Narcissistic Personality Disorder that gives you technical information that you can use to determine whether you’re dating one, so you can decide whether you want to cease & desist or continue dating him. Symptoms include:
- Believing that you’re better than others
- Fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness
- Exaggerating your achievements or talents
- Expecting constant praise and admiration
- Believing that you’re special
- Failing to recognize other people’s emotions and feelings
- Expecting others to go along with your ideas and plans
- Taking advantage of others
- Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior
- Being jealous of others
- Believing that others are jealous of you
- Trouble keeping healthy relationships
- Setting unrealistic goals
- Being easily hurt and rejected
- Having a fragile self-esteem
- Appearing as tough-minded or unemotional
Good Luck! :D
~Bill
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11 Responses to “Dating A Narcissist”
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Actully I think dating and developing sweet relation is an Art.
If anybody knows this art of dating, People could be converted to a good man with alot of love and care.
By d way. Good Post. Best of Luck.
This is the best post ever…You freakin nailed it….I’m saving this and reading it over and over and over again…For you see, I’m dating a narcissist and love him very much….this helps me remember that I too come first and to not expect to much from him….but a wonderful sex life and lots of fun!!!!!
Thank you so much!
You’re welcome, ccaloha. :)
The only way to deal with a situation is to first RECOGNIZE the situation. A lot of people don’t actually KNOW the people they’re dating, so there’s no way that they can actually relate to them properly.
Other than myself, I don’t know many guys that can tell a chick “It’s all about me” and still get on, so most of the time, that’s kept under the hat so a brotha can ‘get to the good part’! ;)
Thanks for your insight. A few months ago I got dumped by this narcissistic guy that I have loved for the last 4 years. He has always come back in the past but I am so afraid that this time he’s gone for good.
I recently read something that said there can be inverted narcissists. these are people that had a narcissistic parent and as adults they only seek relationships with narcissists. I fear I am one of these types.
More healthy men just dont interest me. I feel dead inside unless I’m with someone who thinks that they are better than me.
I get frustrated with myself and other people who say, “Why would you want to be with a man who doesn’t care about you.” To me, no one else is worth my time. Its not like I feel inferior to most people. In fact, largely I feel superior mentally and physically to most people. Its only when I come across someone who cares more about themselves and not about me that I think, “Now he’s got something special.”
Have you ever heard of anyone else with my problem? Do you have any advice for me? Particularly, is there any way to get a narcissist to come back again? With so much back and forth its hard to know when its really over.
Thank you for your advice.
Hey Alex. I’ve never heard of “inverted narcissists”, but the concept makes sense. It’s like Groucho Marx said: “I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member”. If someone grows up looking for acceptance and accolades from someone that doesn’t normally hand them out, I can see that being transferred to their dating life.
It also makes sense because women like challenges. That’s why y’all are all chasing badboys instead of settling with nice guys that want to give you what you want. Women like to feel like they can change something. There’s nothing to change if the guy’s already sweating you. You don’t get to feel accomplished when he finally DOES compliment you.
As far as a narcissist “coming back”, that doesn’t actually exist. You can never be an equal of someone that loves themselves way more than they’ll ever love you (or anyone else that’s not “them”). Coming Back implies that you ever had leverage with him in the first place. The only thing I can think of is to inform him of what’s new about you now that might interest him for a few months before he decides to do something else again.
My point is that to gain the favor and attention of someone that’s only interested in themselves, you have to demonstrate why spending time with you would be a benefit to him. Telling him how YOU feel about things or what YOU want won’t make a difference.
Good Luck! :)
Hi Alex,
Bill is right when he says you can never be an equal of a narcissist. But you have something that the narcissist desperately needs because of his fragile self-esteem (see the list of symptoms in Bill’s original post), and that is narcissist supply (admiration, attention, awe, respect, whatever….). He might come back for that (or maybe not, if the reason that he left you is that he has found a better source of narcissist supply elsewhere). For details, see this article: http://samvak.tripod.com/faq76.html.
Here is more information on the inverted narcissist or the co-dependent:
http://samvak.tripod.com/faq66.html
If you are happy this way, you can always keep a narcissist interested by acting as a reliable source of narcissist supply. But you will never have a meaningful emotional connection with such a person. You’ll never get anything back. Are you really okay with that?
That first link is VERY interesting, Fishingrod. I’m going to read more of it when I really feel like thinking about things, but in general, I think the concept of Narcissist Supply is a good one and likely a valid one as well.
The unprofessional statement I would make to tie that concept into this discussion is that there’s a difference between going out with “Alex The Individual” (or any other person) and going out with “A chick that I enjoy spending time with, having sex with and whatever other forms of entertainment I do with her”. It’s not like the narcissist sees MOST other people as peers to begin with. This is why the quest to make someone like this feel a certain way about you is fruitless, frustrating and most likely depressing.
If you are a source of Narcissist Supply, then any other source will do, a better source could replace you OR no source at all could replace you if the Narcissist gets bored of the stimulation you present. I don’t mean physical stimulation, haha I mean something like this:
There’s this friend of mine that I’ve known for years. I can tell her on any day of the week or on every day of the week that she looks good, and she may or may not say “Thank You”, but even if she does, I can tell that she’s not MOVED by what I said. That’s because she doesn’t feel me as a good source of NS. Meanwhile, we can go to a bar together, and some schmo that she’s never seen before in her entire lifetime that feels like screwing her can tell her she looks good and all of a sudden, she’s blushing and excited.
The compliments are the exact same, but coming from different people. When the random dude says it, she feels like he’s giving an unsolicited, unbiased opinion. When I say it, she feels like I’m just saying something in an attempt to make her feel good. In fact, it’s the exact opposite. If I say it, I mean it. If HE says it, it’s because he’s trying to get her to lay down and would tell her she looked good even if he thought she was ugly but had a nice fat ass, being that the better the cushion, the better the pushin’.
So, basically, if a guy can take you or leave you, prepare to be taken or left.
“But you will never have a meaningful emotional connection with such a person” – given that you, Alexandra, understands what this means, and I suspect you don’t, so fishingrod’s statement may have no impact on you whatsoever.
This is much like children of abuse who become adults who, unconsciously, seek out abusers or become abusers. It’s something they equate with any close relationship. Whether or not this is wrong or right, it is familiar.
I highly recommend this book if you get tired of your current cycle and can’t swing a therapist: http://www.amazon.com/dp/0805087001/?tag=googhydr-20&hvadid=3257180309&ref=pd_sl_11yxfihwot_b
I dated a narcissist for 2 years, and despite working in the mental health field & knowing exactly what I am doing, it has been excruciatingly difficult to end — for good (we’ve gotten back together many times). He even lacks many of the bells and whistles when it comes to appearance and lifestyle, but he knows what makes me feel “cared about” and delivers these, and I stay hooked. I am a single mom of two fantastic teenagers, 52 years old, and healthy and attractive enough, I don’t need this. I don’t want it. Not afraid of being alone, either. But I repeatedly am drawn to the man. I’ve saved dozens of articles on the subject w/ which to fortify my resolve to get in & stay in reality — and out of the relationship. It’s helpful to know WHY we get hooked on narcissists, and why they are the way they are. It’s all very sad. But that insight isn’t enough to get healthy… seems we need to be really conscious ALL THE TIME, and get support, like an addict, to stay emotionally sober, one day at a time.
I realize there’s a good chance I never will have a healthy, joyous love relationship with a man, as I keep meeting men like this (at my age, are these the majority of men “left” single?). I recently read the book “The Narcissim Epidemic,” which is about how narcissism has crept into our whole culture… also touches on the apparent increase in the number of narcissistic individuals out there. The authors suggest ways to counter the trend, the first being: Stay away from Narcissists, do not include them in your life!
That’s the key right THURRRRRR. :) For a lot of women, the choices come down to a) being alone, b) being with a consistent guy that isn’t very exciting, or c) taking whatever they can get from really exciting guys that don’t give a damn about them 29 days out of the month.
Lots of the middle-of-the-road, relationship-dudes just don’t deliver the goods. *yawn* It only adds to narcissistic behavior because they can get away with so much stuff because they know (and most importantly, the women know) they’re just BETTER than the next man.
It’s not a mental/article issue. It’s a chemical issue. You can drink as much apple juice as you like and you’ll never get drunk. Have a little beer and it’ll get you tipsy and you won’t feel that way again until you have another beer, Capisce? :D
I agree that it needs to be treated like an addiction. It’s the narcissist’s goal to get you “high”, even if it’s only to prove to himself that he could do it. Even sexually, he might hook up with you just to drive YOU.. not caring at all whether HE gets off or not. The excitement’s in how people are so affected by your presence & touch.
The men who are “left single” are the guys that enjoy the single life and the guys who were found out to be cads by their former girlfriends/wives. If there were some kind of value for them in having one girlfriend, they’d have one, as there is no shortage whatsoever of women looking to retire from the game.
The problem with “Staying away from Narcissists” is that you won’t find out until it’s too late. Nobody’s going to walk up to you and say “Hi. I’m a Narcissist” because that defeats the purpose. Telling someone you’re fantastic is way less exciting than just being yourself and having them tell you you’re great on their own.
Another problem, specifically for women is that Narcissists know how to put on a good show. When you’re with him, the Narcissist will make you feel like you’re his *only* girlfriend because he takes pride in making YOU feel so good because he gets to prove to himself once again that HE’S that good that he can make your day anytime he feels like it.