Inititally, I wanted to make ONE post about The Maury Show, but I realized in discussing the concept with some of my lady friends that there are just too many topics to go over, so I’m going to have to make this a series.
Now, The Maury Show is very, very, VERY funny. It’s also sad, pathetic and depressing, but if you can get past the fact that these are real people on the stage, you can focus on laughing instead of crying.
This is not by luck or chance. It’s not an error. They don’t just HAPPEN to people involved in these weirdo circumstances by pot luck. It’s a setup…. It’s a setup, and the joke’s on YOU, Jack. :D
This series, “Maury Show Tips”, is going to help you help yourself just in case you end up on the show. Like all self-help situations, most of which end in “anonymous”, we have to begin with a basic premise that you will need to accept before you can absorb what I’m saying, understand it and utilize it in the near future. This basic, fundamental and ALL-IMPORTANT premise is:
You. Are. An. Idiot.
Now, this is very important. Don’t get upset. :) This is the first step in all of the “anonymous” programs. You have to realize you HAVE a problem before I can teach you how to COPE with your problem.
You might be wondering right now… “How does he know that I’m an idiot?” That’s easy. I know that you’re an idiot because you received a call to be on The Maury Show. When was the last time you saw someone INTELLIGENT on that show? ok then. It’s like fashion runways. When was the last time you saw someone short and fat on the runway? Never. That’s because fashion designers make prototypes of clothes. They only make ONE. Therefore, they have to hire models that fit into their clothes, so they have to hire everyone in the same size and shape range. The more their bodies resemble coathangers, the more the clothing is shown off the same way it hung on the mannequin when they were designing it. Anyway…
That’s how they get such interesting and ridiculous Maury Show episodes. They pre-screen for idiots and only call up the CHOICE ones… like you.
Now, in all fairness, there’s ONE exception to this rule, which I’ll get to later in the series. The ONLY way that you’ll get a call to be on The Maury Show and you’re not an idiot……. is if you’re DATING an idiot.
There are only two types of people on The Maury Show… The ones who DID the retarded thing, and the ones that had the retarded thing DONE TO THEM. If you’re SURE that you’re not an idiot, then it’s your S.O. There’s ALWAYS AT LEAST ONE IDIOT in segments of The Maury Show, and most times, TWO idiots, so even the fact that you’re the one on the receiving end doesn’t exonerate you from idiot-ness.
So, for the sake of this post, let’s just assume it’s you.
Now… The reason it’s so important to accept that you’re an idiot if a producer from The Maury Show calls and asks if you’d like to be a guest is that you have to understand that THEY are smarter than YOU are. This is the downfall of every idiot that goes on the show. Guys AND Gals are at fault. You go on the show, and you think that you’re smarter than the people on the show, when they speak twice as quickly as you do. These people have college degrees, you work in the sock factory, and you think you’re going to outsmart them. You’re not. You’re ESPECIALLY not going to outsmart TESTS, such as LIE DETECTOR TESTS and PATERNITY TESTS. If you insist on thinking that you’re smarter than you really are, you’re doomed to the same fate everyone else receives on that show.
That’s another thing. How come none of y’all do your research before you go on the show? How come y’all “go out” The. Same. Way. every single episode? Didn’t you WATCH the show, to see what happened to the people that came before you? :/
So now, if you’ve accepted your low-IQ status, you’re ready for the tips that are going to help you out if you’re foolish enough to AGREE to go on the show. :D
Tips For Stupid Guys
If you’re a guy, and you’re called in to take a paternity test, and they film you for one of those intro segments, DO NOT claim that you’re 100%, 200% or 1000% POSITIVE that you’re not the father if you KNOW DAMNED WELL you had sex with her without a condom. If you went up in there without a hat, there is A PERCENTAGE CHANCE that You. ARE. The Father! :D
It doesn’t matter if you pulled out before the main event. You could STILL be the father. It doesn’t matter if 4 other guys screwed the same chick without condoms during that week when she got pregnant. All THAT does for you is make it only a 1/5 = 20% chance that you ARE the father, so the BEST you can say for yourself in those intro segments is “I am 80% POSITIVE that I am not the father”.
It’s not an excuse that she’s a ho. Guys don’t come equipped with sperm that refuses to impregnate hoes. When it comes to sperm, a brotha’z gotsta get in where he fit in, dig? So if YOU put him on the playing field, he might just score a touchdown.
It’s not an excuse that she’s crazy. Crazy chicks get pregnant all the time… Probably more often than sane chicks. It’s not an excuse that you don’t like her mom. It’s not an excuse that your new girlfriend doesn’t like her. It’s CERTAINLY not an excuse that your new girl doesn’t believe that the baby’s yours. Unless this new chick was THERE to assess the situation (which I highly doubt, because y’all sit there looking like imbeciles while you let two idiot chicks scream at each other. It’s no wonder you ended up on this show. Take some CONTROL over your life. Damn. :/ ), she doesn’t know JACK about it so she needs to STFU and HOPE that you’re not the father.
Tips For Stupid Women
IF you end up getting called by a producer of The Maury Show, do yourself a favor and fess up THE FIRST TIME to how many guys went up in you around the time you got pregnant. I understand that you want to keep your man and you don’t want him to know you’re easy. I get that. Really. The problem is what I stated before. Instead of duping your stupid, idiotic boyfriend, you NOW have to dupe intelligent people and physical tests.
If you KNOW DAMNED WELL that your man isn’t the only possible father, NOW is the time to come clean. DO NOT cross your fingers and let them swab your cheek for DNA. Nobody’s going to have any sympathy for you when the test comes back negative and your man’s resisting from slapping the living $#%& out of you and you start bawling between sucking breaths, talkin’ ’bout “waaaaaaaaaaah… There was….. ONE… OTHER… GUY!… waaaaaaaaah”.
Now, in some cases, it’s not reeeeeally your fault. Like… Maybe you drank too much? :D Well… Sorry… As a grown-ass-woman, it’s your responsibility to NOT incapacitate yourself at parties. If you KNOW DAMNED WELL that you drink so much that you forget stuff the next day, your best bet is to admit that.
Actually, your man is an idiot as well if he doesn’t know this about you. Once you’ve had the experience of having sex with a chick and then she forgets all about it the next day (hahaha not because it wasn’t GOOD, but because alcohol removed her entire memory of the evening), you realize that her word means *NOTHING* when she tells you what she did or didn’t do the night before. It’s not that she’s LYING to you. It’s that the sex honestly occupies ZERO real estate in her Long Term Memory. Fellaz… If you received your chance to get on a chick because she was bombed out of her mind and then forgot about it, assume that’s a situation that’s going to repeat itself in the future.
So anyway… Your best bet is, once again, to fess up and come clean. Instead of saying “No, I did not have sex with your brother at the party”, say “I have no mental recollection of last night” and let the chips fall where they may. Your man shouldn’t be mad at you, because that’s how he got to have sex with you in the first place, drunk at a party. He should know that’s your M.O. and that’s what he signed up for. What he NEEDS to do is mark down the dates of your memory losses, so that if you come up pregnant anytime soon, he knows to get the kid tested ASAP.
Also, if you choose not to take my advice and fess up to all the guys that went up in you during your fertility window, do not trickle these guys out show after show. Once you’re busted with your man, the sky’s the limit! Call the whole football team if you have to, just get ALL of the guys out of the way at the same time. Yes, you look “cheaper”… but it’s better than looking DUMBER when show after show, the couple of dudes you called in start jumping up and down, hugging each other and calling you a whore to your face while Maury acts like he gives a damn and asks you to search your mind for ANY other guys that it might have been.
So, like I said, there are too many pitfalls on The Maury Show to cover in one post, so I’ll have more tips for y’all idiots in the near future. Until that time, just remember that you will NOT beat the paternity or lie detector tests and that Maury, the producers and even the PAs are smarter than you are.
Trust and Believe that if you go on the air thinking you’re smarter than you really are, you’ll be right up there on the next highlight reel, just like those dudes and chicks you were clowning for looking like idiots last season.