5 Ways To Keep Your Woman If You Get Laid Off

In these jacked-up financial times, A LOT of men (and women) are losing their jobs. Check out this ridiculously long line of people trying to get PAID:


Get A Job – RockStar 0006

Now, it’s bad enough to lose your source of income AND your entire social set in one fell swoop. It’s even WORSE when your lady steps to the left because you’re not bringing home your portion of the rent…. Well…. It’s even *WORSE* if she makes *YOU* step to the left, like happened to Wesley in “Jungle Fever”, but we won’t think about that right now. 😀

Having grown up in the ghetto… ok… Having grown up WITH people who lived in the ghetto, I’m well-versed in getting and KEEPING women on a low budget. Those of youse that have always pulled women with all your money, cars and houses might be S.O.L. without your gimmicks, so here are five things you can do to stay in position and keep your woman in pocket:

1) Back To The Old School

Remember that Slow Jam Tape that was guaranteed to get you on? The one you borrowed from your boy, and then it worked so sweetly that you told him you lost it so you wouldn’t have to give it back? Yeah, that one. Go find that joint, dust it off, transfer it to CD and get your game back together. If you can’t find it, just figure out what’s playing in heavy rotation on BET and play those cuts for your lady. Desperate Times call for Desperate Measures. You need to pull out all the stops. Convince yourself mentally that you’ve never tapped that before, and pull out all the stops, like you’re trying to get in for the first time! 😀

2) Was that Over Easy or Scrambled?

You know what? If you’re not bringing in any funds, you need to make yourself useful, put down that Madden controller around midnight and hit the hay so you can wake up nice and early and cook your woman breakfast. You don’t know what she likes?… ASK HER!… You don’t know how to make that?… GOOGLE it! (or try Grace Piper’s Fearless Cooking) Breakfast. In. Bed, SUNNNNNNNN! That’s the way to do it. If she was thinking about kicking you out, that’s over now! 😀

Don’t worry, you won’t have to wear an apron……….. unless that’s the way she LIKES IT! hahahaha 😀

3) Get That Door For You, Ma’am?

That’s RIGHT, Jeeves! You got it. Your ass doesn’t have anywhere to go, so forget about waving goodbye from the couch… Get suited up, get the front door for her, walk her to the car, usher her into the back seat and CHAUFFEUR your benefactor to work. :D… Door-to-door service, SUNNNN. Make sure you keep that phone on vibrate so she can text you 45 minutes before she’s ready for you to go pick her up from work.

Bonus points for driving past the flower shop for some of her favorites before picking her up.

4) Did I say “No”?… I meant “Yes”. 🙁

Like I said… Desperate Times call for Desperate Measures! This is when your woman’s thinking she could get a DIFFERENT broke dude to chill with. She’s got to believe, in her heart and in her soul that THIS GUY is the one she should be with… for better or for worse! It’s IMPERATIVE that you prove your love to her! There’s only ONE way to do that!… Call up your local polygraph examiner and get him to come over the crib and hook you up for a LIE DETECTOR TEST! hahaha 😀

Of course, SHE’LL have to pay for it, but, somehow… I think she’ll be willing to shell out the ducats to hear the truth, the whole truth and nothing BUT the truth from you for ONCE in her entire life! 😀 Good Luck!!!

5) Do The Right Thing In The Bedroom

I know you’re going to be tired… from waking up early, learning how to cook, cooking breakfast, getting suited up, driving her to work and back and telling the truth, but your day’s not over YET! 😀 With all that stuff she DIDN’T have to do FOR YOU, she’s gonna be pretty restless by the time she finishes that steak you cooked, so… Sorry Al… You’re gonna have to put in some work on Peg. If I were a Reverend, I’d tell you to take SELFISH….. and turn it into SELFLESS!….. Be HELPFUL… until she’s HELPLESS!

Just don’t overdo it. Breakfast is served @ 6:30 am.

~Bill

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4 Comments

  1. 6) Make the other chick pay!
    during the day when your main is at work, hit the hood rat second for funds! Get a cut and maintain your appearence. Get a little more and send your number 1 for a mnicure! LOL just kidding (unless you can actually make this work for you winkwink)…

    Seriously though, being unemployeed does not mean you are a homeless hobo overnight. Maintain a dignified appearence, make your lady want to STILL be seen with you even if that means that for the time being she has to pick up the tab!! Some of you out there take the phrase “vegging out” to new extremes when you stay home for more than 2 days. Look in the mirror, would YOU do YOU if you had the chance! The answer should always be no as you look to maintain and even step up your appearence.

    Damn Bill, been a minute. all this typing has my finger hurtin’! 🙂

  2. @Frank: lolololololol… Now THAT’S Pimpin’! 😀

    haha Only problem is, if you already have two girls, you don’t need a job.

    Do like those dudes to in the sticks. Leave one chick’s crib in the daytime, saying you’re going to work… and go to the other chick’s crib. 8 hours later, leave that chick’s crib and say you have to do the night shift, and go back to the first chick’s house…. I mean, assuming she already cooked.

    Good idea too for the guy to keep himself in tip-top armpiece shape, lest he be replaced with a newer model who’s so fresh and so clean, clean.

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