Purplecar called my attention last night to a post on CNN.com by Wendy Atterberry called “Why women shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ first”. There were some decent points in the post, in the typical advice column fashion:
Wendy: “But an ‘I love you’ uttered too soon, before the man has processed his feelings and reached the same level of adoration could end a relationship that just as easily could have had an eternal shelf life. As soon as those words are said, they change the dynamic. If a man isn’t feeling the love quite yet, he may suddenly feel pressure to manifest that emotion. And if the woman doesn’t get the response she expected, it could damage her confidence enough to derail the whole relationship entirely.”
I’m sure that this scenario plays itself out every single day, all around the world. I think the advice is valid for the way people approach “Love”. The problem is that lots of people have a retarded idea of what “Love” actually is.
I know this is going to be hard for you to process, because it so complex, but bear with me for a minute… you ready?… The reality of the situation is:
You Love Who You Love
That’s it. There’s nothing more that matters in that sentence. Everything else is on the fringe… window dressing. There are only two states. You love someone or you don’t. Period. There may be REASONS why you love this person, but that has nothing to do with the STATE of feeling love or being in love.
The mistake that lots of people make is adding external qualifiers to an internal feeling. Whether someone else loves you or not has NOTHING to do with whether YOU love THEM. It’s YOUR feeling, and you feel it or you don’t.
The reason the points in the article are valid is because lots of people play that game… even though they don’t realize they’re playing a game. The game is “I only love someone who loves me”. Sorry. That’s not how it works. :/ If that were even LOGICAL, that would mean that you wouldn’t be able to ACHIEVE the state of “being in love” without the other person loving you beforehand. Of course, that person wouldn’t be able to love you EITHER until you loved THEM, by the same logic.
Just the fact that the article talks about saying “I love you” and not knowing what the other person’s response will be indicates that people achieve the state of being in love ON. THEIR. OWN. It’s YOUR feeling, and really has nothing to do with what the other person feels about you.
For example, I love my relatives. I love my relatives that always do the right thing and I love my relatives that always do the WRONG thing. I might not like their actions or what they said sometimes, but I’m clear that I still love them… and not because I CHOOSE to… It’s just a fact.
I also love women who don’t love me. There’s nothing “boo-hoo” about that. It’s just a fact. I know how I feel about them and I carry that with me. How THEY feel has absolutely nothing to do with my own personal emotional experience of interacting with them.
The fact that people are ashamed or embarrassed to own the fact that they love someone that doesn’t love them is what breaks up perfectly good relationships for no reason at all. Hollywood wants you to believe that you run into some chick and she drops her books and you pick them up for her and look into her eyes and you both know that it’s love at first sight and then you start having kids. Nah. Real Life doesn’t work that way. If it did for you, you’re lucky, so enjoy it! 😀 IRL, you feel how you feel, and your S.O. feels how they feel, and if it escalates at the same time, good for you.
On top of that.. Saying “I love you” has NOTHING to do with actually loving someone. There are ZERO consequences for saying “I love you” to someone. Try it out the next time you go to work. Select someone you don’t actually love and say “I love you”. See what happens. I’ll tell you right now. Nothing. Saying “I love you” is probably the second easiest way to get laid other than paying an actual hooker. For some reason, women tend to believe it’s impossible for a guy to say he loves her without actually meaning it. It’s only three words. Without the actual feeling, emotion and action behind them, they’re entirely worthless.
So… The REAL answer to that question, “When should a woman say she loves a man?” is…….
When She Loves Him
If you can allow “I love you” to be a personal expression from you to someone else, WITHOUT conditions and expectations of reciprocation, you can say it whenever you want. “I love you” is not a TEST. It’s an indication of your mental and/or emotional state. YOURS. Nobody else’s.
Instead of trying to artificially restrict what you naturally feel, you should just feel glad that you ever loved anybody at all.