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Why You Got Dumped After Sex
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I’ve been suffering recently from listening to some incredibly short-sighted views about WHY women get dumped right after they give it up. This phenomenon is known as “hit it and quit it” or “pump it and dump it”.
Women try to avoid this situation to the best of their abilities. Unfortunately, their abilities are practically ZERO, because they don’t understand WHY they got dumped.
The popular belief is a time-based cause & effect. Because she gave it up too soon, she got dumped. The problem with this line of “reasoning” is that women play hard to get and stall guys to the point where they feel they’ve outlasted the “she gave it up quick, she’s a slut” stigma, then fiiiiiiiinally have sex with the guy and he vanishes into thin air.
What’s your excuse now? :D You didn’t give it up quick. It wasn’t EASY for him to get on. You made him take you out over and over and introduce you to his friends and/or family. You made him buy you stuff and tell you that he loves you and that you’re in a committed relationship together. You did everything you were supposed to do, and as soon as you gave him some, *BAMF*, you never hear from him again. hahaha Ah Well… C’est La Vie. Que Cera, Cera. Easy Come, Easy Go haha no pun intended. :D
So let’s look at some of the reasons you got dumped right after having sex with your so-called boyfriend.
1) If it walks like a duck…
Let’s look at the basic situation that women have based their ENTIRE countermeasure strategy on… She meets a guy in a bar, likes him mentally, likes him physically, she’s thinking about hooking up with this guy RIGHT. NOW…. so she goes ahead and does it. He tells her he’ll call her and never does.
This situation is written off as “she gave it up too soon”. First of all, there’s no such thing as “too soon”. If you feel like messing with the guy, STOP %(@*&%^ FRONTING and do what you want to do. The actual issue here is that you hooked up with him with ZERO QUALIFICATIONS. He hasn’t proven to you that he’s ANYBODY AT ALL, and you still hooked up with him. This is perceived as “she’ll hook up with anybody” or “she’s just a horny chick in general, so whomever happens to be there wins the grand prize”.
Now… Let’s take that same situation and add the chick stalling the guy for a couple of weeks before finally spreading her legs. What’s the difference? Nothing… If she didn’t qualify him during that time period. According to him, she STILL “doesn’t know him from Adam” and she STILL gave it up even though she tried to make herself look virtuous and “hard to get” by delaying having sex with him.
So basically, even though I feel the term “Slut” is grossly misused in American society, since it unfairly lumps together women who are CHOOSING to hook up with multiple guys via their own personal power with women that are just plain “easy”… you are perceived as a slut NOT because you gave it up quick… but because you hooked up with a guy that didn’t prove himself to you ahead of time.
How long does it take for him to prove himself? That depends on who he is. Obviously, by my 1,068 Facebook “friends”, I make friends quickly, if not immediately, and I maintain and cultivate my relationships on a daily basis. Other guys might take a few dates to demonstrate who they are to the degree that they feel that she knows enough about them to make an EDUCATED decision to hook up with him. Other guys might take weeks or months or years.
The point is that you want HIM to feel like YOU are making an EDUCATED decision to have sex with him. If you receive that education in why you should hook up with him within the first hour of meeting him at a house party or social function, that’s how long it took. You will NOT be penalized for acting on an educated decision. In fact, you will be CELEBRATED for being the type of woman that doesn’t PLAY GAMES instead of authentically expressing yourself when you’re truly feelin’ it.
So… The reason you come off as “a slut” isn’t because you gave it up QUICKLY, but because you gave it up to whom HE perceives as NOBODY, which means you’d also give it up to ANYBODY. This is why you can stall all you want… Hold off on giving him some until you receive a sign of the second coming, and he’ll STILL dump you right after he gets the only thing he was talking to you for in the first place.
2) Maybe it wasn’t all that.
Unfortunately, there’s an important difference between the way most women and most men experience sex… well, TWO if you include the ability to have multiple orgasms…
Women tend to feel like the sex was good as long as they got something emotionally out of it. That’s all well and good, but it has nothing to do with the physicality of the sex OR the experience of being with that particular woman. Everybody’s not compatible when it comes to hooking up. Some guys LOVE IT when chicks run their mouths during sex and emulate porno movie dialogue. Other guys are like “Could you STFU?”. Some guys are into “banging” or “screwing”. Other guys are into “making love”.
The point is, ladies… Just because *YOU* had a good time doesn’t mean that HE did. I mean, sure he got to do his thing, so that counts as a good time, but that doesn’t mean he wants to tap that evAr again in this lifetime. If that happens, you’re done. Period. Just about the worst thing that can happen to your rap is that a guy decides he doesn’t want to have sex with you again. You could be plum loco (crazy), a complete JERK, a jobless bum, have zero cooking skillz, dumb as a box of rocks… and a guy will keep kicking it to you as long as he enjoys the sex. If he finds out he doesn’t… “Hasta La Vista….. Baby!” :D
3) Who the hell are *YOU*, anyway?
Even worse than not qualifying HIM is not qualifying YOURSELF.
This is, by far, the DUMBEST part of the entire “I got dumped for giving it up too soon” theory. By believing that TIME is the important factor in your getting “pumped and dumped” or not, you spend your time stalling him instead of demonstrating your own value as a human being.
It. Is. Amazingly. Critical. That. You. Qualify. Yourself. To. Him. *BEFORE*. Hooking. Up. With. Him.
Why is this important?… Because if you don’t demonstrate to him what makes you personally unique, or a C.U.A.O., the only thing intriguing about you is what it’s like to have sex with you. I already mentioned what’s going to happen if he DIDN’T enjoy himself, but even if he DID, there’s the distinct possibility that he now feels like he’s experienced EVERYTHING that you have to offer him, becomes completely disinterested and “loses your number”.
Again, how long does it take to demonstrate this to someone? It depends on who you are. It might take you 5 minutes. It might take you several dates or weeks or months. However long/short the time period, the critical factor is “who he thinks you are” and the respect he’s gained for you or the interest he’s developed in you, above and beyond having sex with you.
This is why there are lots of women who have sex with guys relatively quickly and DON’T get dumped. They’ve demonstrated to their suitors that there’s much more to gain by remaining in contact with them and even potentially pursuing an LTR than there is by dumping them and moving on to the next chick.
Stop using GIMMICKS and improve yourself.
The problem with using gimmicks is that they’re quick fixes and don’t lead to any true, honest & LASTING self-improvement. Make yourself a BETTER HUMAN BEING, and you won’t have to use these corny tactics to try to CONVINCE a guy that you’re worth more than a lay. MAKE YOURSELF worth more than a lay and express/demonstrate to him that you actually ARE unique and worth spending time with, and you’ll have a much better chance of avoiding getting pumped & dumped.
On top of that, you’re diluting yourself with all these inauthentic maneuvers. The funny thing about all this is that in the attempt to appear aloof and “in demand”, you really come off as ‘cold’ and useless. You appear to be the type of person that calculates instead of expresses. That’s not sexy. Authentic attraction comes from the heart and is expressed freely. Even when one attempts to contain or regulate it, it still shines through via the intimacy of your physical contact or the way your eyes are smiling.
What you have to consider is… While you’re working so hard to intimate to him that you can take him or leave him….. WHO wants to STAY with a gal that “could take him or leave him”? Does that make sense? Unfortunately for you, your inauthentic way of interacting with him sets you up to get dumped, because even though he *HATES* it and knows women who are not only willing, but EAGER to express their authentic love for him, he’s willing to tolerate you until he gets what he wants….
….. And like that, poof. He’s gone….
~Bill
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50 Responses to “Why You Got Dumped After Sex”
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Mr. Cammack, why did you not share this wisdom with me 17 years ago? I knew you were holding back. After 15 years I guess I must be doing something right.
hahaha You’re definitely doin’ the right thing, Family Man! :D
I’m the one doing the WRONG thing, out in these trenches, still dealing with ridiculous situations!!! :D
Hey, maybe it’ll come in handy REAL SOON when I start writing my books! ;)
4)Maybe its me sweety and had nuttin’ to do with you! I have many times left my place knowing that i was gonna get my buzz on and call a shawty afterwards (you know, the booty call girl). Gettin’ azz was the motivating factor getting me out of the house on that cold night. It just so happens that i caught the eye of sum sweet young thing at the bar and having been blessed with the gift of gab… Well one thing leads to another and I make like a trained dancer and TAP all over dat! Maybe it was corny or maybe she had me making up words to describe the session like “that shyt was GOODER than a mofo” either way, mission accomplished! I got ME sum azz and now its a wrap. Nuttin’ personal was just looking for the release!
BTW: You can see dudes like me coming. Our convos are very transparent and superficial PLUS we seem more interested in your comment about how its been a ruff week and you need to let off steam! oh reeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaally…
Dude. I’m telling you. SRSLY. Write a book! HAHAHA I get more laughs from your comments than you get from my posts! :D
Right, Right… There’s always the potential that a gal was only seen as extracurricular activity from the giddyap. Y’all won’t know the difference, because a guy’s gonna come at you the same way whether he wants you long-term or short.. or like basically no-term haha. :)
I was more speaking to the situation where women feel like they’re “in a relationship” as opposed to they go out, meet a guy, give him some, then hear DOO, DOO, DOOOOO… THE NUMBER YOU HAVE REACHED… 555-1212… IS NO LONGER IN SERVICE… NO FURTHER INFORMATION IS AVAILABLE ABOUT… 555-1212… THANK YOU… GOOD-BYE! :D
Here’s what “science” has to say on the subject …
Mathematicians’ guide to first-date etiquette [independent.co.uk]
Fascinating link… “A.M.” ;) Thanks for sharing that. A quote from there:
Pardon my ‘French’, because this is 99% a “family show”… But “A male’s willingness to court for a long time is a signal that he has other pussy already.”
other pussy AND more likely than not a need to close out the deal! We all have had that one girl that because we had to wait, now its on! Ima get dat!!!!
Right… I don’t think I got to that point in this post, but it’s definitely a possibility that due to excessive holding out and Fronting On The Jimmy, a guy sticks around for that one Grudge-[Lay] and after he enjoys the hell out of that ish, he doesn’t want to have anything else to do with her.
The thing is, he didn’t want anything to do with you BEFORE THAT, but he was just holding out to see if he could finally get the only thing he was talking to you for in the first place.
damn dude, i would say we see eye to eye but with the verbal spanking handed out on “only date broke chicks”, uhm you on your own! lol
lol, It’s still going on, man! hahaha
Good thing for me, I type “Fast Than A Mug” or *I*D be out of that conversation TOO!!! :O
I have NEVER understood why so many men put in so much effort lying/deceiving a girl to get in her pants, then immediatly dump her afterwards!!!
How can they be so shallow, and why date a girl for a month just to drop her after sleeping with her once!? Surely they would want to sleep with her again if they spent all that time just to get sex…
And I’m sorry but I DO qualify as a person and I don’t understand why so many men are game players and use deceitful mind games to take advantage of women.
In contrast to the average man’s selfish manipulation, It’s not like I would ever consider leading on some innocent man to make him pay for presents, jewellery, flowers etc and then immediately piss off without giving him a second glance.
If men got it their way, they would want a women to look and act like a porn star and never ask for anything!! And never get pregnant, and not mind when she is dumped for the next hotter, younger girl that comes along!!!
Because men just want to spread their seed and play the field and never develop any feeling for any woman.
Hi Amy. Thanks for the comments. :)
Eventually, I’ll try to explore the topic in-depth, but the short answer of my reply to why guys lie so much to get laid is that nobody’s interested in monogamy off the bat.
Guys want to get laid, period. If they can do it to-day… They will. If they can do it next week, they will. If they can do it next month, they will. Also, just because one woman’s holding out on a guy doesn’t mean that OTHER women aren’t giving him some.
A lot of the time, what happens is that by the time a gal finshes making a guy jump through hoops to hook up with her, he’s already having sex with some OTHER woman who’s actually DOWN FOR HIM and WANTS to have sex with him as opposed to someone that’s willing to barter him sex in return for whatever her list of demands is. Do you see how “blah” that is? A woman that you’ve given light to and she uses that as a chance to get stuff from you? A lot of times, guys are just “staying in the pocket” long enough to see if she finally gives it up or not.
Another reason is that some guys are ONLY into the question of whether they can get her to give it up or not. Once she does, there’s no challenge anymore, so they can move on to the next gal(s).
Another reason is that when the guy finally got it, he detested the sex. She talks too much, she talks too little, she talks about the wrong things, she sounds like a porno, she sounds like nothing’s going on, he doesn’t like how her body feels, he doesn’t like the fit, she’s not sensual when she does things to him…..
For some reason, women seem to believe that sex is good by definition… Like, because sexual contact was achieved, that means it was GOOD sex. Far from true, haha :)
Also, you’re right about your last two comments. While there are lots of guys out there looking for committed relationships and someone to start a family with, for the most part, what we do is known by the generic, impersonal term, “getting girls”. No idea who these women are going to be. We’ll find out when we get wherever we’re going today. Makes no difference, and we’ll meet more tomorrow and the next day. We don’t need their numbers because we’re more likely to go meet new gals than call ones we already met.
Which brings me back to the solution. Even the most hardcore ‘players’ that I’ve known have had “main squeezes” from time to time… Women that lasted for months or even years on that list to call up and go places. That doesn’t mean those women had any SAY in what those guys did or that their relationships were monogamous, but they had a special position… They got to be around, when most other women got no consideration at all.
The solution, therefore, is to demonstrate who you are as a person and WHY a guy should want more than to just mess with you and move on. I don’t think women demonstrate enough personality, often in fear that they’ll mess up their rap… when, in reality, the only thing that can save their rap IS their personalities.
“For some reason, women seem to believe that sex is good by definition…”
When or where did the idea come from that “women seem to believe” that? I mean really?!!? Women, of all people would least agree seeing as how they dont climax as readily as men… Which is the point as it relates to this post (the other being, to make babbies). In fact wasnt it believed for a long time that women didnt even like sex? So um, yea…
Hey Lin. Thanks for the comments. :)
To clarify.. What I’m saying is that as long as women enjoyed the experience, they’re prone to believe that the guy enjoyed it as well. Also, as long as THEY feel that the guy should want to hit it again, they’re surprised when he doesn’t. In his eyes, it “wasn’t all that”, but because she’s all souped up over the experience, she’s not aware that he’s done with messing with her.
Of course a woman is going to consider sex good as long as she ‘got hers’, because that’s GOOD! :D .. In the context of this post, you could have gotten dumped after sex because he didn’t want any more after your lame showing the first time.
Also, it wasn’t so much “believed” that women don’t like sex, but women are trained NOT to like sex as a method of controlling them and attempting to ensure that the kids a man is raising are in fact his own.
AMY:
“In contrast to the average man’s selfish manipulation, It’s not like I would ever consider leading on some innocent man to make him pay for presents, jewellery, flowers etc and then immediately piss off without giving him a second glance.”
Do you really think YOU arent playing decitful games when you know you probably arent interested in sum dude like that but yet you allow him to take you to dinner anyway? He took you because he assumed there was a connection and that there was an end to his means, meanwhile you knew better.
Bad sex, bad breath, holding out too long… the list is too long to get into. Just keep in mind that if you DID NOT have any interest in a guy but went on a few dates anyway, he might see to it that out of comfort alone you keep going out with him. When u finally give it up…
Who was wrong? You for NOT ending it when you knew u should have or he for seeing the flaw and working it till u gave it up??
“allow him to take you to dinner anyway?”
The time alone would suffice, if the guy wants to dine with a lady. I dont see how that is selfish. The women isnt pursuing dinner and using men to get dinner. Men are pursuing sex, and using, lying and manipulating women in the process. Hence the phrase “treated like a peice of meat”. Howev’ if the women too, wants just sex, then its a fair trade. Instead of the manipulation, why dont fellas jus pursue the ones who only want it? There are plenty of women out there who only want sex btw. Its better to jus be real (honest). You’d be amazed at how it could simplify the hunt.
Hey Lin. :)
I don’t know how many women you know, but lots of women “use men to get dinner” every day of the week. In fact, they use men to get BREAKFAST, LUNCH, *AND* DINNER! :D plus trips and jewelry and anything else they can get.
There are women that go to bars without money/credit SPECIFICALLY because they intend to get guys to pay for their entertainment the whole time.
If she’s not trying to get over, her best bet is to offer to pay for her half of the meal OR insist that she picks up the check next time they go out.
The reason why guys don’t pursue the women that just want to get laid is….. Women don’t want to SAY they just want to get laid, so they can attempt to avoid the double-standard stigma of being labeled a ho while the guy who does the same thing will be called a playboy and congratulated.
I agree that things would be a lot better if everyone could come to the table with their list of interests and sort them out honestly, but, for the most part… Ain’t That Type Of Party! :D
yeah what he said!!
“The time alone would suffice, if the guy wants to dine” true! BUT…
I was speaking to the fact that woman blame men for trying to get sum just because they went out, meanwhile the dinner invite (lunch, breakfast) was accepted knowing full well that nothing was going to happen. & You knew you wouldnt let me tap that but you went out with me anyway. I figured it out by the nights end and made it my business to keep taking you out until you gave it up. Now, unless you made me catch cramps in places i had no idea that there were muscles…that unecessary hunt is the reason you got dumped after sex.
it is what it is, built into the game. we play the game that needs to be played when we are trying to get some. So even when the young lady thinks she is getting over by getting something with out putting out, the guy is usually 2 streps ahead and plays to that sense of self strength. Just tell me u want to phuck or tell me u dont…
You wrote: “On top of that, you’re diluting yourself with all these inauthentic maneuvers”
I think you meant to say “deluding” yourself.
Hey MN. Thanks for the comment. :)
I meant “diluting”, except I didn’t explain the concept properly, so thank you for bringing that up.
What I didn’t properly express was that if you like someone and you keep acting like you don’t, then when you finally “come around”, you’re giving one instance of being positive towards them after MANY instances of being either neutral or negative towards them. Therefore, if “purity” is you liking that person, you’ve “diluted yourself” by being inauthentic.
Said another way, if you’re a baseball player and you can hit home runs pretty much as will, but you instead choose to bunt or hit singles all the time, you’re “diluting” your potential home run stats. Instead of expressing your potential, you’re holding yourself back and people will know you as a bunter or a single-hitter instead of a home run hitter.
As it pertains specifically to this post, “diluting yourself” gives the guy the impression that you don’t like him as much as you really do. This will definitely play a part in his decision whether or not to call you again after he gets on.
[...] A reader asked me if I had mistakenly used the term “diluted” instead of “deluded” the other day when I was talking about people. I said something like “people dilute themselves”, and they thought I might have meant “people delude themselves”. What I didn’t express well enough by using a term that I made up myself and then not explaining it (another great sentence by me! ) [...]
okay so i met this guy at a birthday party. we hit it off and talked for a few hours. we were both sober and didn’t have much to drink.
i read somewhere if a guy is overly comfortable with you and touches you frequently and tries to kiss you he’s probably a player. so while we were still at the party he tried to kiss me and i refused. so the night carried on and the party was over, my ride had left without me so i asked and he kind of offered to drive me home.
so we pulled up in front of my house, the night was going to end there until he asked if he could use my washroom (typical player move huh?)
so i let him. then i let my integrity slip and asked him if he wanted to hang out for a bit and even spend the night.
one thing lead to another and we had sex.
when the deed was done he said “your too much of a distraction and i think it’s better if i just go home”
pfffff okay! and just as he was leaving he said “hey send me a message tomorrow” when he had gotten my number when we were at the party. i refused to message him and thought i came off rude by saying “no seriously, i’m not going to message you” he had a shocked and surprised look on his face.so we hung out at my place from about 130-5am then he left.
the next day roles around and at around 2pm i end up getting his number from my girlfriend and message him saying” hey sorry if i came off rude when you left. i’m just a little old fashioned in the sense that i would prefer it if the guy would call me the next day” he replied: “it’s all good no big deal” and that was that until i went out with my friends and was feeling shitty about the whole situation and the bad impression i had given him:S
so later on that same day in the evening i messaged something like ” would you like to see me again or did you just play me?” we went back and forth with messages and generally he never gave me a straight answer. his reply to my question was “lol don’t you remember you were the one that was rude?”
i’ve tried arranging to meet up and go out with him so i can get to know him better during the day and both times he “was really busy with school” yah right!
i sent him a message that pretty much explained what i wanted and what i was about by saying: “i know what i want and how i deserve to be treated and it’s definitely not half ass! :D i’ve unintentially given you the wrong impression about me and i’ve tried to fix that by trying to get to know you better. It was your charm and gentlemen like qualities that attracted me to you in the first place. i’d like to give it another go and go out sometime but not at 3am (this was after he wanted to meet up once at 3am; so i wrote this to him to make it clear that i’m not interested in being a booty call) so he replied: ” that’s quite the quote!
i’m not a gentlemen…lol” now seeing as how this was written in a text and there’s no emotional expression in it, do you think he wrote that in a ‘wow i’m flattered you thought i was’ or in a ‘no i’m an asshole player lingo” ahahah
to cut to the chase, he asked me ‘what are you looking for?’ and i said ” to go out here and there and have a good time;) i’m not asking for the world” he said:”ok want me to bring a movie tonight” (him still being half ass and just wanting sex was my interpretation of this so-called ‘effort’ on his part)
i called him up and said tonight doesn’t work but can we hang out on thursday, i asked that we meet in a public place. anyhow, he canceled and i haven’t heard from him since, today it’s monday (5 days altogether)…
i don’t want to sound needy by trying again!!! but i would like to get to know him better, i felt there was a lot of chemistry and similarities we have in common.
soooo my b-day dinner is this weekend. and i knowww the answer you’re going to give me lol ‘he’s not interested because he hasn’t called me since then.’ but could i give it one more shot and just send him a simple text inviting him to come have a drink with me and come cool people. i have nothing to loose right?? if he doesn’t reply or cancels again then i got my anwer, right? no big deal…
and if you suggest that i should just drop it! i’m sure i’ll end up seeing him again because we both have some mutual friends in common so i would like to know how i could get his attention again??? how can i get him interested in me again…care to share some tips or advice. thanks!
Hi Anna. Thanks for the comments. :D
I’m glad you wrote so much so you can go back and read what you wrote. It’s pretty clear that you changed directions several times in the course of one evening. It’s nothing to feel poorly about, because a lot of women do this on a regular basis.
A typical problem is that chicks want to hook up with guys, but they don’t want to SEEM LIKE they want to hook up with guys. This makes y’all look kind of bad when you do all this fronting and then give it up anyway. It’s not the “giving it up” that makes you look bad. There’s nothing wrong with that. The problem is that you seem to be making up your mind about something and then not being able to stick by your decision. That’s a bad impression for ANYBODY to give someone, not just women.
You didn’t “let your integrity slip”. You finally stopped fronting and did what you had intended to do the entire time, which was hook up with him.
If a guy’s pressing up on you, that doesn’t make him a player. It probably means that he’s physically attracted to you in particular, or he just wants to mess with any available chick that he likes, in general.
The fact that your ride left without you is pretty bad. Even if you have mass transportation where you live and went to that party, a lot of women get into some messed up situations because people leave them out in the street in the middle of the night. I know it sounds like I’m talking about a dollar bill, haha :) but it’s VERY important for you and your friends to make sure you get home safely each evening.
Yes. “Can I use your washroom?” is a trick. We’re guys. We don’t have to use washrooms. We have walls and trees.
Instead of feeling good about the fact that he was actually willing to speak to you the next day, you told him you weren’t going to message him. What did you gain from that? People need to think about these old-fashioned ideas and if they ever worked for them.
Tell me this… What was the value of telling him you weren’t going to message him after you already gave him some? Does that make sense to you? :D That’s like saying “You can have a million dollars from me, but I won’t give you a dollar”. Seriously. Women need to stop trying to gain power in these situations and go with the flow. Trust Me… The top thing a guy wants from a gal is sex, so once you give him that, don’t bother acting like you aren’t sweating him……. unless, of course, he didn’t tap it proppah.
So dude was all over you for 3 1/2 hours and then you tried to front on him with “I’m not going to message you”? hahaha How much work do you want a brotha to put in before he can get a text message from you? :D
How come you needed to get his number from your friend? I assumed that since he told you to message him that you had his number. Either way, you see what happened, right? :) You fronted as if you weren’t going to contact him first and then you did. The night before, you fronted like you weren’t going to give him some, and then you did. You see the pattern there?
Don’t bother asking a guy if he “played you”. If he did, he’s going to continue playing you. If he didn’t, he’s going to be embarrassed that he came off like a player when he isn’t. There aren’t any wins in that question. Also, you come off as if that happens to you a lot. There’s no reason for you to assume that you’ve been “played”. On top of that… *YOU* chose to give him some! :D YOU chose to have him come over and stay “until the break-day-light”, so clearly, that was a mutual agreement between y’all, not him “playing” you.
I’m not sure what you invited him to during the day, but, in general, if a guy doesn’t feel there’s something sexy in it for him, he’s not going to be very inclined to make time to hang out with a chick that he’s already had sex with. Like, if you told him “Let’s go to the zoo”, he’s going to decline, because why would he want to go to the zoo with you when he wants to mess with you? OTOH, if you invited him to have some lunch or go to dinner with you, that’s a perfectly viable way for people to get to know each other better in a nice setting, so if he were interested in spending time with you, he should have either accepted your invitation or given you a rain check (offered you an alternative time/place where he’s available to get together with you).
I think the “I’m not a gentleman” line was basically letting you know that he was going to try to get on whenever possible. Some people equate “gentleman” with “guy who won’t try to have sex with a chick”.
As far as him bringing a movie over, he’s still spending time with you one way or the other. I agree that his plan was primarily to get on again, but that was his plan the whole time. It was his plan on day 1 and it’s going to be his plan every time he’s around you.
If you don’t feel like giving him some, don’t. If you want to insist that he takes you out somewhere, go ahead and do that, but that doesn’t seem to be working. If your goal is to become his girlfriend, then down the line, you’re going to be giving it up on a regular basis. If that’s not what you’re trying to do, then just keep it friendly with him and see how long that lasts before he stops taking you calls.
As far as “Thursday”, nobody said he was available on Thursday. :) He was offering you whatever day it was… when he had nothing better to do. He cancelled Thursday because he HAD “something better to do”.
Overall, I understand your wanting to “get to know him better”, except you can do that over the phone or over the net. You don’t have to go out with him ANYWHERE to get to know him better.
I think he IS interested in you, by the fact that he keeps accepting your attempts to contact him. I think what you have to recognize is that you’re not going to be able to split him liking you as a person from him liking you physically. You’re going to have to accept both aspects if you want to keep pursuing him. That doesn’t mean that you have to have sex with him ever again. That just means that you have to recognize that that’s what he’s going to want from you.
You totally don’t have anything to lose by inviting him to your dinner. You might be disappointed if he doesn’t show up, but you’ll be similarly disappointed if you don’t try.
My suggestion to you is pretty similar to my suggestion to any gal, which is to take a hard look at yourself and your goals and what you want out of life and relationships and figure out if that meshes with what guys want from you.
Guys are going to want sex. If you don’t want to get involved with them like that until you “get to know them better”, then don’t. Let them know you’re not down with the program, and if they stick around, they stick around…. However… Don’t ACT LIKE you’re not down with it and then give it up anyway. Don’t say you’re not going to contact them and then contact them.
When you do that, you’re making guys believe that your word doesn’t mean anything, and it’s all downhill from there.
Good Luck! :D
Anna,
OMG! I had nearly the exact same thing happen to me and I’m a dude!
If I were to apply the BS I was told in my recent experience I would guess that because you’re not already friends his “internal thinking” is that there’s no reason for him to want to fix it. Yeah like this would happen with one of his friends… If that was the case there wouldn’t have been any need for him to be out at all… see the Catch-22?
Anyway the Not Friends=No Fixee excuse is part of what I got back in my situation. I guess it was better than no information at all… although it does suck ass in a mighty big way and speaks volumes about the kind of person you just slept with. Largely because it’s a lie. So you just slept with a liar. Feeling better yet? This person was NEVER looking for a relationship and will do or say anything (leveraging the slightest of infractions) to make sure that doesn’t happen. Suffice to say I played this back to my friends (who else ya’ gonna’ share your screw ups with?) because it sounded weak and they (male and female) were the first to point out that’s the kind of rubbish that players pull so they can cut and run. :-(
In summary: You got played, chalk it up to experience and don’t lose weeks of your life being angry. As can happen with some people :) Grrrrr. Better luck next time. Here’s a related link:
http://billcammack.com/?s=expendable&x=0&y=0.
anna: you said you got the number from your friend? You do realize that one of the reasons he is even entertaining your texts/calls is because he might trying to avoid the uncomfortable future encounter and maybe even getting some lip/attitude from the mutual buddies. I have to disagree with Mr. Bill on this one, i dont think he might be interested. Leave it alone. Sometimes it doesnt matter, if all he wanted was the azz before he went home there is nothing he wants after. Now without asking you anything about the evening, you do realize that you are amping this dudes ego by continously “chasing” after him now that he done broke you off proper? I dont want to hear that it wasnt any good because at the end of the day I hear exactly what he is hearing and this is “my shyt so good she keep wanting it”! Not being disrespectful just honest. You said he aint gettin none and he did! You aint texting/calling and you did! He got you right were he needs you. Tomorrow (meaning tomorrow wednesday) he might just call and say “hey, lets go get a drink way over here far from your Serta Firm Sleeper. Now he is doing what you want but guess what, by the end of the night you might wind up riding the pony again or wind up with a hit placed on you. HIT? yeah the “oh she wanna play games” hit! I’ll catch up wit her again and when i get again she’ll know she gotz got! regardless of his pedigree (he might be a playa or he might not) its obvious you are not built for this. Let it go because at the end the only one who is “cumming” out a “head” is him! and yes i purposely hi-lited those 2 words cause he wil be a cumin’ from the head if you dont ease up and let him fade to black!
BTW: dudes like me know that you have read those stupid books/comments/columns on “if he/she is really a playa he/she will do…” thats why we may sit there and look you right in the eye while as we do all them things. What better way to defend myself from said description then to deny them while im doing them??
BTW: im really a nice guy! :)
Thank you for your comments and advice gentlemen, much appreciated!!:)
I invited him to come to my birthday dinner on Saturday, so that way if he doesn’t come them I’m thru trying and I am moving on:D
Sounds like a plan! Good Luck! :D
OK, I’m about to hijack this thread for a few moments and although this may not be relevant to some of the recent conversations, it’s relevant to the spirit of the actual posting by Mr. Cammack. Keep in mind that I have a few friends who “ghost†read this column and usually have opinions but for whatever reason just don’t write any down. This past Wednesday (04-22) I was at a local Manhattan bar with several friends (not including me-4 men and 2 women) and the topic of “Why you got dumped after SEX†came up. Before accepting any answers, I specifically asked the women to PLEASE not interject any personal feelings into this, I just want to know what we as a group perceived as legitimate reasons for calling it off immediately after that first session. Once actual feelings are removed, some of these answers appear shallow but are TRUE catalyst for the inevitable outcome. To the women reading this, please refrain from assuming we/ME is a cad and feeling that I deserve whatever name calling you may want to put in print. J
It was an informal poll and I did take the ladies responses into account. In no particular order, the following were the ones that we pretty much all agreed on:
Body Odor! Although some agreed that on a casual one night stand kind of thing it might be excusable if said person was picked up that night after a long evening at the local watering hole, there is no justification for either member to be unprepared for the possibility of an encounter by the second date. None of us cared (and the girls reluctantly had to agree) that you may have a 4-5-6-7 date minimum or a 2-3 month deadline, you should be prepared! Like our moms used to sayâ€put on some clean underwear in case you get into an accident!†Well, a lil’ deodorant and powder in the right spots in case you accidentally wind up under someone! (FYI: Life lesson on eating out. If you go to a nice restaurant or a neighborhood dump, keep in mind that the catch of the day should not emit noxious fumes. Catch of the day should be fresh and smell fresh! HintHint, NudgeNudge… All puns were intended) (FYI#2: if it smells like Doritos it better be a bag of Doritos and not the socks you are wearing)
Hot Breath, also commonly known as dragon breath or stinky breaf’ if you have kids, was also discussed as a major violation. Never mind the sex, if you have any illusions of kissing or being kissed be prepared! Both women agreed that many times the right kiss can lead to the “rules of engagement†being revised if only for that one night. Make your partner want to stay there and not make the connection to the Cheetos smelling socks that he/she now has to rush home to launder!
We have all heard the phrase “cleanliness is close to godliness†well here is our updated version “Clingy-ness is close to lonelinessâ€! We don’t care if you planned it or if we had enough game to break you down, we do not want to hear how you feel so cosmically connected to us at that moment. All we want to know is that we wuz good and you expect more before we leave! Yes leave! I am not staying unless its my lease, in that case one more time before you leave. AND fellas, amp your negative feelings by about 100 and now you know what the woman feel when its US getting all clingy!
Uhm, hmmmm… I’m gonna be as polite as I can be, grooming-AS IN BE GROOMED! I don’t care that you had no plans and getting got, should you not be taking care of yourself anyway? Even those dudes who are more interested in hittin’ it and keepin’ it movin’ will still take note of that. She is obviously the type to fall off after she settles in and gets comfortable! And dudes, its becoming more of an expectation, we need to start grooming as well. They are not asking us to be completely “bald†but getting a “fade†and the weekly “shape-up†is becoming a necessity. If they have to keep it right, we should be keeping it tight as well.
This is not a PORNO! We all want to know that we wrecking that right but damn, it doesn’t need to sound like a U-Haul just ran over your toes! The screaming and the loud azz religious chants are cool but please remember-USE YOUR INSIDE VOICE! You don’t need to scream, the good lord sees you sinning…trust me! And thanx to my 2 beautiful female friends for this one, DUDES-shyt talking has its limits. Unless you know for a fact that is OK, don’t call out any derogatory phrases that will get your membership cancelled!
And the one we all agreed on was-THAT SHYT WAS WACK! Waiting and anticipation are real serial killers when it comes to this. It better live up to expectations or there are going to be problems!
And now back to your originally scheduled programming.
Great post, Frank, and ABSOLUTELY RELEVANT hijack haha :D
There will always be way more lurkers than participants on the net. That’s just how it is. It’s very cool to hear about some of them, though hahaha Thanks. :)
Y’all are on-point about the BO/bad breath issues. Those are grounds for excommunication even if you’re NOT messing with someone hahaha it’s just a DRAG to be around. Hopefully, if something like this is encountered, the relationship’s strong enough for the offended party to inform the offensive person that they need to shape up before they get shipped out.
There’s pretty much nothing you can do to get past someone else’s BO. Bad breath is relatively easily defeated by doggie-style.
Grooming is a funny one. It’s pretty clear that some chicks leave their apartments with NO INTENTIONS of their jeans coming off that day. Then they get caught (literally) with their pants down, and it’s like ” hmm… Weren’t expecting me, huh? :D “. That’s also a tactical problem when they WANT to get with the program, but they know damned well that they’re not looking/feeling proper down there.
There’s also the long-term problem of “Damn… This chick doesn’t even maintain herself for HER OWN REASONS? :/” Ladies!!! It’s seriously not enough to hook yourselves up after the fact. You’ve already been low-rated.
As far as the porno-speak, I’ve been lucky not to encounter that, personally. The only time that happened to me, ‘matter of fact, was at “The Wedge”… and I know FRANK knows what I’m talkin’ ’bout! ;) haha Up in Hunt’s Point. My boys had bought me a lap dance, because I find those things corny to begin with and wouldn’t have bought one for myself, and this chick decides to SPANISH IT UP, while looking back at me like as if The Kid was puttin’ in work. I was completely like :/ …. I can’t remember whether I laughed right in her face or not, but I remember thinking “If this [chick] could just SHUT THE %&#@ UP, I *MIGHT* be able to concentrate on her ass!”
Clingy behavior is no good in general. Unwarranted clingy behavior is even worse. That’ actually a good reason not to hit it in the first place. If she can’t handle it and is going to start thinking of you as her man, you might want to just leave her on-deck or in the bullpen. Be like De Niro in Ronin… Never go INTO a chick that you don’t know how to get OUT of.
The wedge??? LOL WOW, i guess thats a rite of passage in the hood! Yeah, Frank know exactly whats ya is talkin’ ’bout! :)
Yeah, and not the WEDGE HALL down the street, “Neither” :D …
*THE* Wedge! hahaha.. The ORIGINAL! :D
Hey guys,
What does the word ‘bunts’ mean….
For example – If my girlfriend went away for a week for work and accidently sent me an email while away that was meant to go to her best friend saying the words
“The “bunts” are awesome here ;)”
Hell, I don’t know what this means!
Your insight would be great.
Cheers,
Max.
Hey Max. I don’t see what that has to do with you getting dumped after sex, but here in America, a “bunt” is a very short hit when you’re playing baseball. You tap the ball with the bat and attempt to outrun the throw to first or advance your runners.
Other than that, no idea. Good Luck that it doesn’t mean “Replacements for Max”! :D
“The “bunts” are awesome here ;)”
Hmmmmm…
Follow me closely here. If your lady is somewhere that may lend itself to a singles eating frenzy that “bunt†you are inquiring about is pretty simple to explain. If a guy has decided that she is attractive and under serious consideration for that nights hook up, game on. He will probably go up to her with a few friends (2 at least, 3 to make sure) and lay down an opening line that is soft enough to get her attention but not enough to turn her off, a bunt. Depending on her interest he will hustle down the line and hope to reach first base. Depending on how well that went, he might try to steal second base on his own therefore preserving his number 2, 3 and four hitters. Now safely at second base, his number 2 hitter steps up to the plate and attempts to sacrifice this guy over to third. This will happen because the number 2 will chat her up just enough about the first player to get her interest level even higher without himself getting to first. This is what is routinely called a sacrifice but it might fail if he makes it obvious. Assuming he is still safely at second base, he needs his number 3 hitter to either smash a double into the outfield letting him score all the way from there or at the very least, get him over to third base. Either he scores or the clean up hitter, the number 4, comes up with the sole intent of pushing that run home. He will either hit the home run or make the 3rd out of the inning stranding the lead off dude at second/third. If he completes his objective in allowing his man to score from 2nd or 3rd, depending on the outcome of this game, YOUR lady may decide to schedule an exhibition double header. This would be the one where he gets to display all his skills with out having help from any other players. If she feels the pleasure to let him score more often…
Well, you may get one more session with her upon her return right before you have to start wondering (this one is for you Bill) “Why you got dumped after s-xâ€! J
Having said all that, there are two other scenarios that merit consideration. 1) She is a FEMALE. That accidental email you got may very well have been meant for you as some kind of test. Will he tell me? Will he keep it to himself? If he doesn’t tell me, will he stay quiet or will he start looking for more information? Which ever route you take tread lightly! 2) She could just be a bad speller. Maybe, just maybe, the BUNDT cakes there are slamming!!! lol
Anyway, unless this happened just now, im assuming she is back and the reality is that NONE of us (you included) will ever know what a bunt represents. Store it for future reference and in a group one day say “a friend of mine said bunt but i dont know what that means”, just look around and wait for an answer.
Nothing to add other than – CAN’T. STOP. LAUGHING. :D
See, what’s so funny here is that Frank knows what time it is. Frank is from the trenches of “getting girls”. Frank says all the stuff that I *WOULD* be saying if I thought anybody out there would understand it. I happen to know that 99% of y’all DON’T understand it, so I report the situations in what I consider to be a palatable fashion.
I’m still told that my blogs are cynical when, in fact, I’m only reporting the truth of what happens to some people in some relationships. That doesn’t mean that everyone’s relationship is going to go in that direction, but I’m offering an alternate view and potential understanding of your situation from the perspective of someone who’s “been there, done that”.
If I say somewhere that a chick probably got dumped because she let herself get out of shape and the dude didn’t want to hit it anymore, she thinks it’s shallow and unrealistic and ridiculous and that I’m just trying to make her feel poorly about her current state of disrepair. In fact, I’m trying to let her know what she can do to keep her man interested in her instead of the next woman. If she thinks she’s going to TALK her way around her new pot belly, she’s sadly mistaken.
If I thought people understood reality, my blogs would be much shorter:
You look wack.
He’s not interested.
Shape Up or Ship Out.
ever get one of them compliments that actually leave a bruise…
So I’m reading all these things and have to say…. is best to trust your gut. Here is my situation they are all similar and yet I still feel the need to express cause even though some things are better left unexplained… this puzzle is a little pain in my brain !!
So this guy and I are neighbors and we have been friends for a little over a year. We would kick it, go see a movie, hang out for hours drinking at either one of our houses. We literally can spit on each other over the fence. Been friends through our previous relationships. One night we are kicking it and he kisses me, out of the blue. It was off the hook and once he kissed me … he couldn’t stop! We don’t have sex we both agreed that sex messes things up and since we live next door to each other … we don’t want to mess shyt up! We talked about how we don’t want relationships right now, both of our careers are taking off and we don’t have alot of time to invest in what is required of each other when you step over the threshold of being friends to being in a relationship. BOTH agreed… friends with benifits………… so its great.. hot and heavy and out of control.. he spent several nights in a row hanging over, sleeping over and still no sex btw! I want to… he wants to… but we just don’t. Finally after a few weeks of just make out sessions and bs’ing and sleep overs, we get it on… it was alright… nothing to write home to mom about… lol But that doesn’t matter cause we were tore up and always go time #2 to make it up ….
Never happens. He still came over for about another 2 weeks, kissed me every time, but no sex. Would sleep over just cuddling and he always talked in his sleep. One time saying thank you! I said “what for” he said “you’re so good to me” Maybe he didn’t like hearing that he talked in his sleep. We were always very honest with each other.
Then he stopped coming over, or when he would, he’d only stay for a little bit and then leave without even a peck on the cheek. Obviously it started getting confusing, how do you go from hot and heavy to nothing in a matter of 24 hours. We even went out with his married brother together… so wtf like all the signs are there… granted I like him, and of course I’d date him. But right now we are just having fun!!! or so i thought….
I know he isnt seeing any one else… and we still talk from time to time, and I have invited him over………… I’m thinking personally if you go to a movie with a cute girl … and when its over you go home. You give her a hug and she says… “So are you ever going to kiss me again?” and he replies with “I don’t know, why?” it prolly means no and to move on….
Us always being honest…. well at least me being honest cause there is no other way to be.. “this is me mentality” I sensed him being stand-offish… so i confronted him, asked what happened, and let him know I do like you, I’m not trying to bug you, but wtf happened. I get a “nothing happened, I don’t want you to be attached, we go back and forth. Simply put I told him “we are friends with benifits… so where are the benifits???? I mean unless he got attached and scared and had to cool everything off instantly I just don’t get it!!! And frankly I prolly never will cause all you guys can do is give me advice…..
Hell I even did the ok he is being cold shoulder.. so leave him alone.. so i left him alone………. didn’t call, gave him space… barely spoke to him. Remember we live next door to each other…. kinda hard to do at times… and still he’s being a tard!
any advice????
Sh***************t! This dude doesn’t know a good thing when he’s got it!
Chy, I’m going with this one, “I mean unless he got attached and scared and had to cool everything off instantly…!!!” – If you got a tattoo on your butt that said, “No strings attached!” it wouldn’t be any clearer so it can’t be you. Since you’ve known him a bit, how did his last relationship end??
Hey Chy. :) I’m going to select a different line from your comment:
Actually, that’s not necessarily true, unfortunately… :D
The saying goes “You never get a second chance to make a *FIRST* impression”. The fact of the matter is, messing around is one thing and actually getting down to the nitty-gritty is a completely different animal.
I’m going to guess from what you wrote that he didn’t like the sex and just plain doesn’t want any more of it from you. That doesn’t mean you were wack… Just that it’s possible that y’all aren’t sexually compatible. Actually, in thinking about this, you’ve brought something up to me that should be an entirely new post. :)
Sometimes, (probably MANY times), the fantasy’s better than the reality. It’s like you FEEL LIKE you want to tap this chick, but then when you actually do it, you’re like “meh”. The ‘problem’ is you don’t know until you try it. There could be lots of reasons for this… You don’t like chicks to talk during sex, and she’s running her mouth, trying to emulate a porno. You like chicks to talk during sex, but she’s completely quiet, except for a few gasps now and then. You like chicks to move and she doesn’t. You like chicks to stay still and she moves. It’s too loose. You didn’t find out until you got her undressed that you don’t like her ass. She doesn’t have any rhythm and she’s throwing your stokes off….
Then again, it could be HIM and not YOU. He feels underconfident, actually having sex with you instead of making out. He doesn’t like the position y’all did it in. He realized that he really only wants to have sex with his ex when he finally hooked up with you… Could be anything.
The problem is.. Guys tend to underestimate how important their desire to screw some chick is to their ability to be friends with them. There’s a WORLD of difference between a chick that you’re like “I can take it or leave it” when you think about having sex with her and a chick that you’re like “I’m DEFINITELY trying to NEVER hit that again, EVAR!”. A lot of guys THINK it’s the same thing, but it isn’t. You basically avoid being alone with her so you don’t have to deal with her coming on to you.
That’s what it sounds like to me. He doesn’t want to hook up with you again and he doesn’t want to seem like a weirdo for saying so.
Thanks for the comment, and Good Luck! :D
BillC, u took the wordz/opinon out my mouf’! Without going into a lengthly overworded thought, I’ll just ask a simple question: Considering YOU said it was nothing to write home about, do u think he just thought that as well? Not to imply your skills need any fine tuning but maybe it just dont work for the 2 of you!! Cold coffee is deee`lish… Hot coffee is off da’ hook on a cold day… Warm coffee? Well that sucks regardless of the flavor or robust promiseimplied by the brewing it self!
This is rediculous! You seem to have turned an interaction between man and woman into a d*** and p**** game, with the old boring and dumb double standard. You guys need to grow up. When you yourselves have turned into mature men who understand what a woman is (all this is just evidence that you are terrified of women, all this silly language, like it’s out of a rap song, you’re terrified of losing your power as a man once you become vulnerable to a woman, so you degrade her and the part of her body that is distinctly female and that has the power to connect with you and to produce life) then you will meet real women. Sex is nothing in itself: it is a symbol. Of couse, it can be a rush, but you don’t need a relationship for that, you probably don’t even need another person for that. Although the original post on this website has very good advice, it shows that the person who wrote it himself needs to do some work, and I’m sorry to see that other men are talking like this. It’s silly and rediculous. With this kind of attitude, you guys are only going to meet girls who unfortunately see themselves as either sex objects or seductresses and nothing more.
Good Morning, Lucine, and thank you for the comments. :)
To some people, the interaction between a man and woman *IS* a D&P game and I don’t have to actually reduce anything to anything. In case this is the first article of mine you’ve read, my goal is to show the reality of what SOME guys think. Sometimes, what MANY guys think. The point being that for women not to have this information puts y’all at a distinct disadvantage.
I thought I’d try to do my part for women, since men already know this. Men already know we’re lying about stuff to get women to lay down. Men already know to feign relationships and make fake declarations of love and longevity (in the relationship AND in the bedroom, hahahaha) to get women to do what they otherwise wouldn’t have done unless as FishingRod says, he loved her and she loved him. Ok. Fine. I love you. Let’s do this. *yawn*… That’s how easy it is to trick women, lots of guys know it, lots of guys use it. It’s a daily operation.
Should you be mad about that? Yes you should. :D Is it *my* fault? Nope. :) I didn’t make this stuff up. Back in the day, when cavemen were clubbing chicks over the head and dragging them back to the cave for sex (I wonder who made THAT ONE up? haha) they had tactics and techniques to get around women’s resistance to giving it up. One of those was “I hunted and I have meat from the animal I killed, so if you don’t want to STARVE, come get with this”. Very simple. Another one was “Look at my superior genes! :D If you want your kids to look like me and be smart and strong… come get with THIS!”. It’s a daily operation. You SHOULD be mad about it, but trying to tell me how to live my life or how to think about or interact with women isn’t going to solve YOUR PROBLEM for you.
Also, I didn’t create the double-standard. Is it fair? no. Women get used for sex every day. Women have to deal with catcalling, periods and bearing children and men don’t. Life isn’t fair.
As far as “what a woman is”, YOU don’t get to determine that for me. You also don’t get to determine when you feel that I’ve “grown up” or “matured”. The fact is that lots of guys think exactly the same way I do, except… wait for it….. THEY. DON’T. TELL. YOU. ABOUT. IT. Capisce? :D Nobody’s going to admit to you they want you to lay down, because it’s counter-productive. They’re going to tell you about your eyes and how you carry yourself as a woman blah blah blah while they’re checking out your ass and thinking about sex. Not *all* guys, but lots of them, and you’ll NEVER be the wiser, because it’s not in ANYONE’S best interest to tell you so.
Of course, this assumes you’re attractive. If you’re not, you don’t actually have to worry about that.
Interesting line about “terrified of losing your power as a man once you become vulnerable to a woman”. I’m vulnerable to women every single day! :D I don’t have any power over them and I don’t need any power over them. This is NEW. YORK. CITY! There are like 4 MILLION chicks here. What am I supposed to be? The Pied Piper? hahaha I don’t have ANY power over women at all, so if you’d care to elaborate, I’d love to listen to your ideas and respond.
Also, I’m not degrading women… I’m telling y’all how y’all can become RESPECTED instead of getting used, as usual. Demonstrate Personality. That’s the only thing that’s going to separate you from the next gal. Sex isn’t going to do it. Cooking and cleaning isn’t going to do it. If you want to be seen as a CUAO, like that book “The Rules” says, you have to show a guy why you’re better than the next gal and he should set up camp with you and make a run at a LTR. Degrading women would be saying “This is all I think you’re worth”. I’m saying “Here’s how to make yourselves WORTH SOMETHING other than sexual interaction so that you DON’T get dumped after he gets what he came after you for”.
Also, unfortunately for you, my attitude doesn’t dictate JACK about what kinds of girls I meet. Come see my 1500 Facebook friends, over half of which are women. I actually know women around the entire GLOBE. Hawaii, England, France, Czech Republic, Germany, one friend of mine is visiting Singapore right now and another is visiting Russia. It’s a fascinating misconception that women have that anything I say on a blog affects my ability to show a woman a good time in person. It’s fascinating and it’s incorrect.
So, yes. Thank you for the comments, Lucine. There are guys that only talk to women to get sex from them. There are guys that dump women after they got what they want. C’est La Vie. Good Luck!!! :D
“You guys need to grow up. When you yourselves have turned into mature men who understand what a woman is… I’m sorry to see that other men are talking like this.”
Why is it (some/most?) women never make an effort to understand guys as guys? Is this part of that whole, I’m gonna’ change him, thing?
Had this conversation with a married friend of mine about this just a few weeks ago. She was put out that a good male friend had switched from treating her as an object (my words) to treating her like another guy. He took her behind the curtain when he was discussing his potential mates in front of her. I had to explain that the dude was really comfortable around her and wasn’t treating her as another woman on his radar. Yes, she was Out Of Play. Man, If I’d had a camera to catch the look on her face! I then explained how you can’t have it both ways, he can’t be all deferential and doing the other chivalrous ego props women have been trained to expect from “nice guys” if he’s gonna’ be real with you. Not to say he isn’t a polite, well spoken dude, because he actually is! The thing that set this all off for her was when he was discussing his dates he would lead off with what she looked like. HWHAT!?!?!? In this day and age, well I never!
WE ARE NOT WOMEN
Lots of women need to recognize that dealing with a man is not the same as dealing with your fellow woman. That’s how you get into trouble! That’s like if I was swimming in shark infested waters, I got bit and I blamed the shark! I’m just saying you can’t blame a man for acting like a man. You can’t just say, ‘you should be better than that!’ or something. Better than what? I’m not even sure what better would mean, more ruthless and efficient in how we deal with women or more womanly so women could understand us without having to try. How the hell is that fair?
Women try to use the “grow up” trick to try to stop guys from doing what they want to do. The fact of the matter is that there isn’t ONE format of adult males. There are guys that want one girl, guys that want as many as they can get their hands on simultaneously, and guys that can’t be bothered with women at all other than soliciting prostitution. Some guys don’t want to hear what women have to say AT. ALL. and they’re “not paying them for sex, they’re paying them to go away afterwards”.
The concept of a guy not being mature because he sees women as sex objects doesn’t hold any water at all.
Interesting how your friend was married, yet still wanted to be treated like she was “on the market”. The funny thing about that is that she was finally allowed into the inner sanctum and then when she got there, she didn’t enjoy it. I think in general, women don’t realize that men relate to them totally differently and speak to them totally differently and speak differently when they’re around. This would account for your friend’s disliking being treated like one of the fellaz.
This is something I’ve tried to explain to female friends of mine when we’re discussing this stuff over brews. If you’re in the inner circle, you’re going to hear how it really is. I’m going to talk to you about chicks the same way I’d talk to a guy about chicks. However, don’t mistake how I’m talking TO YOU for how I would talk to a chick I was trying to lay.
It’s also funny how many women think I’m joking when I post stuff. I get to hear stuff like “I can’t believe anyone still thinks that in 2009″. The game hasn’t changed and never will. The styles change. What’s politically correct changes. The fact remains that guys want to get laid and are going to achieve that by any means necessary.
People used to be able to smoke indoors. Someone changed that law. Now, people have to go outside to smoke. If someone smokes indoors, they’re seen as uncivilized by people that believe in the “you shouldn’t smoke indoors” rules. However, if it weren’t against the law, a lot of people would still smoke indoors. It might SEEM like people agree because nobody says anything to the contrary. Similarly, it might SEEM to women that guys aren’t coming after them for sex anymore. \o/
Putting their blinders on makes them easier to hook up with, not harder. Getting upset at guys for wanting what they want is an exercise in futility and the only guys that will agree with them aren’t trying to hook up with them anyway.
Thanks steve!! As for ME… I think i have matured enough that I can look back and say “I saw that chick across the street and said blahblahblah and the got the drop panties effect” How is that maturing?? Well I have read some of the postings on here and have used my experience as a “observer” and an “active participant” to hopefully reach some one who might be in an iffy situation. My comments have been the kind that clearly illustrate the concept behind if it looks like a duck, walks like duck, then yes ladies-assume he is a vulture! As for the power and fear of losing it… I have no power! I cant get in yours if you dont go on this date with me to begin with. The only time a lady has felt like i was overpowering her has been when she was begging me to stop. Pease no more. I cant take it. you gotta stop making me LAUGH! Yes my sense of humor and my personality is the only “power” i bring to the table. And yes I fear losing that because someone is judgemental or just a sour pus. Im not going to “make” u do anything you dont want but if you happen to fall out your undies while hysterically laughing… Hey I got a joke!
Who gets to decide if Im amature individual or not? Dont know and Dont Care!
I have a 10month old daughter at home and if in 17 yrs she sat down with any of the above men and learned to survive this game…I wouldnt object. id rather Bill C or Steve school her on the finer points than have them get all “girly” and say “oh hes cute, you just over reacting”! which BTW many females hear from their female friends right before we all ponder the question “why you got dumped after sex”! :)
“The point is that you want HIM to feel like YOU are making an EDUCATED decision to have sex with him.”
Dear Bill
Just stumbled upon your post and you are Brilliant, wish I came across your post 3 weeks ago but that’s another story.
Above you mention that I have to make HIM feel like I am making an Educated decision to have sex with him.
What indicators do I give a male to make him feel like I have made an educated decision, do I tell him straight out, do I leave obvious hints, what I’m trying to say is, what are the best indicators to do so without seeming so overly forward.
Please indulge me- I am simple girl, newly single, just started dating outside of an 8 year failed relationship and need all the help I can get. Not use to dating at all and frankly- it F*cking sucks.
I never thought there’d be so many things to think about- it’s doing my head in! But your advice is very useful! Thank you very much for your words of wisdom.
Please help me!
Thanks for the compliments and the question, Lucy. :)
This is a very interesting question.. “What makes a gal appear to be making an educated decision to hook up?”…
I think it’s easier for me to speak to what makes a gal look like she’s NOT making an educated decision.
If you’re not interested and then you get drunk and then you ARE interested, that’s points AGAINST you. A lot of women think that’s points FOR them because they can say that they only hooked up because they were drunk. This actually indicates to guys that anybody that gets the same chick drunk can get on with no problem.
If you’re not interested and then a guy buys you something and you give it up, that’s points AGAINST you.
Pretty much, anything that makes it look like your mind was easily changed by something simple a guy did makes you look easy, so your goal is to come into the situation knowing what you want and sticking to your guns.
In the context of this post, my point was that if guys can’t figure out WHY you hooked up with them, they’re likely to assume that you would have hooked up with anybody that you liked at that particular time. A friend of mine is like that, completely to her CREDIT.. As soon as she sees a guy she’s physically inspired to hook up with, she’s on the case. The way she carries herself is congruent the entire time. There’s no “I’m not interested, WHOOPS, now I’m interested”.
I guess my overall point is that a lot of gals play the game like they’re not interested in sex at all, which makes it so that the guys have to do all the work. The demeanor of “I’m definitely willing to have sex with someone that I’ve determined is worth it” is much more respectable than when chicks have to be tricked into giving it up.
When that happens, it becomes formula. I get her drunk and she gives it up. I take her shopping and she gives it up. I give her money and she gives it up. I call her beautiful and she gives it up. *yawn* There’s no reason that a guy would be interested in keeping a chick like this because he can apply the same skillz to any other chick and get the same results.
OTOH, If a gal presents herself as an adult Human Being who knows what she wants and doesn’t want and is interested in doing what she likes to do with guys that she determines have the qualities she’s looking for, the situation is mutual as opposed to predator -> prey.
The zebra doesn’t have any choice as far as whether the lion eats it or not. The zebra is essentially walking food. No respect is warranted or given. Your goal is to not appear as prey waiting to be taken by any guy that knows the right tricks.
Also.. In your particular case, you don’t want to mention that you’re on the rebound from an 8-year relationship. Guys are going to read that as Desperate and run all over you. They’re going to assume that you want to be back in the next relationship, ASAP and feed you that game in order to get you to give it up on the premise that you’re proving to them why they should go out with you for the next eight years.
That’s not a powerful or respectable position. You’re single now. Leave it at that. If you have kids, you have them. Present yourself as a currently perfectly-functioning woman who’s looking to add companionship and/or sex to her life and make sure that guys know that you’re as involved in the decision-making process as they are.. if not more so. ;)