Why You Got Dumped After Sex

I’ve been suffering recently from listening to some incredibly short-sighted views about WHY women get dumped right after they give it up. This phenomenon is known as “hit it and quit it” or “pump it and dump it”.

Women try to avoid this situation to the best of their abilities. Unfortunately, their abilities are practically ZERO, because they don’t understand WHY they got dumped.


Love 'Em, Leave 'EmThe popular belief is a time-based cause & effect. Because she gave it up too soon, she got dumped. The problem with this line of “reasoning” is that women play hard to get and stall guys to the point where they feel they’ve outlasted the “she gave it up quick, she’s a slut” stigma, then fiiiiiiiinally have sex with the guy and he vanishes into thin air.

What’s your excuse now? 😀 You didn’t give it up quick. It wasn’t EASY for him to get on. You made him take you out over and over and introduce you to his friends and/or family. You made him buy you stuff and tell you that he loves you and that you’re in a committed relationship together. You did everything you were supposed to do, and as soon as you gave him some, *BAMF*, you never hear from him again. hahaha Ah Well… C’est La Vie. Que Cera, Cera. Easy Come, Easy Go haha no pun intended. 😀

So let’s look at some of the reasons you got dumped right after having sex with your so-called boyfriend.

1) If it walks like a duck…

Let’s look at the basic situation that women have based their ENTIRE countermeasure strategy on… She meets a guy in a bar, likes him mentally, likes him physically, she’s thinking about hooking up with this guy RIGHT. NOW…. so she goes ahead and does it. He tells her he’ll call her and never does.

This situation is written off as “she gave it up too soon”. First of all, there’s no such thing as “too soon”. If you feel like messing with the guy, STOP %(@*&%^ FRONTING and do what you want to do. The actual issue here is that you hooked up with him with ZERO QUALIFICATIONS. He hasn’t proven to you that he’s ANYBODY AT ALL, and you still hooked up with him. This is perceived as “she’ll hook up with anybody” or “she’s just a horny chick in general, so whomever happens to be there wins the grand prize”.

Now… Let’s take that same situation and add the chick stalling the guy for a couple of weeks before finally spreading her legs. What’s the difference? Nothing… If she didn’t qualify him during that time period. According to him, she STILL “doesn’t know him from Adam” and she STILL gave it up even though she tried to make herself look virtuous and “hard to get” by delaying having sex with him.

So basically, even though I feel the term “Slut” is grossly misused in American society, since it unfairly lumps together women who are CHOOSING to hook up with multiple guys via their own personal power with women that are just plain “easy”… you are perceived as a slut NOT because you gave it up quick… but because you hooked up with a guy that didn’t prove himself to you ahead of time.

How long does it take for him to prove himself? That depends on who he is. Obviously, by my 1,068 Facebook “friends”, I make friends quickly, if not immediately, and I maintain and cultivate my relationships on a daily basis. Other guys might take a few dates to demonstrate who they are to the degree that they feel that she knows enough about them to make an EDUCATED decision to hook up with him. Other guys might take weeks or months or years.

The point is that you want HIM to feel like YOU are making an EDUCATED decision to have sex with him. If you receive that education in why you should hook up with him within the first hour of meeting him at a house party or social function, that’s how long it took. You will NOT be penalized for acting on an educated decision. In fact, you will be CELEBRATED for being the type of woman that doesn’t PLAY GAMES instead of authentically expressing yourself when you’re truly feelin’ it.

So… The reason you come off as “a slut” isn’t because you gave it up QUICKLY, but because you gave it up to whom HE perceives as NOBODY, which means you’d also give it up to ANYBODY. This is why you can stall all you want… Hold off on giving him some until you receive a sign of the second coming, and he’ll STILL dump you right after he gets the only thing he was talking to you for in the first place.

2) Maybe it wasn’t all that.

Unfortunately, there’s an important difference between the way most women and most men experience sex… well, TWO if you include the ability to have multiple orgasms…

Women tend to feel like the sex was good as long as they got something emotionally out of it. That’s all well and good, but it has nothing to do with the physicality of the sex OR the experience of being with that particular woman. Everybody’s not compatible when it comes to hooking up. Some guys LOVE IT when chicks run their mouths during sex and emulate porno movie dialogue. Other guys are like “Could you STFU?”. Some guys are into “banging” or “screwing”. Other guys are into “making love”.

The point is, ladies… Just because *YOU* had a good time doesn’t mean that HE did. I mean, sure he got to do his thing, so that counts as a good time, but that doesn’t mean he wants to tap that evAr again in this lifetime. If that happens, you’re done. Period. Just about the worst thing that can happen to your rap is that a guy decides he doesn’t want to have sex with you again. You could be plum loco (crazy), a complete JERK, a jobless bum, have zero cooking skillz, dumb as a box of rocks… and a guy will keep kicking it to you as long as he enjoys the sex. If he finds out he doesn’t… “Hasta La Vista….. Baby!” 😀

3) Who the hell are *YOU*, anyway?

Even worse than not qualifying HIM is not qualifying YOURSELF.

This is, by far, the DUMBEST part of the entire “I got dumped for giving it up too soon” theory. By believing that TIME is the important factor in your getting “pumped and dumped” or not, you spend your time stalling him instead of demonstrating your own value as a human being.

It. Is. Amazingly. Critical. That. You. Qualify. Yourself. To. Him. *BEFORE*. Hooking. Up. With. Him.

Why is this important?… Because if you don’t demonstrate to him what makes you personally unique, or a C.U.A.O., the only thing intriguing about you is what it’s like to have sex with you. I already mentioned what’s going to happen if he DIDN’T enjoy himself, but even if he DID, there’s the distinct possibility that he now feels like he’s experienced EVERYTHING that you have to offer him, becomes completely disinterested and “loses your number”.

Again, how long does it take to demonstrate this to someone? It depends on who you are. It might take you 5 minutes. It might take you several dates or weeks or months. However long/short the time period, the critical factor is “who he thinks you are” and the respect he’s gained for you or the interest he’s developed in you, above and beyond having sex with you.

This is why there are lots of women who have sex with guys relatively quickly and DON’T get dumped. They’ve demonstrated to their suitors that there’s much more to gain by remaining in contact with them and even potentially pursuing an LTR than there is by dumping them and moving on to the next chick.

Stop using GIMMICKS and improve yourself.

Improve Yourself!The problem with using gimmicks is that they’re quick fixes and don’t lead to any true, honest & LASTING self-improvement. Make yourself a BETTER HUMAN BEING, and you won’t have to use these corny tactics to try to CONVINCE a guy that you’re worth more than a lay. MAKE YOURSELF worth more than a lay and express/demonstrate to him that you actually ARE unique and worth spending time with, and you’ll have a much better chance of avoiding getting pumped & dumped.

On top of that, you’re diluting yourself with all these inauthentic maneuvers. The funny thing about all this is that in the attempt to appear aloof and “in demand”, you really come off as ‘cold’ and useless. You appear to be the type of person that calculates instead of expresses. That’s not sexy. Authentic attraction comes from the heart and is expressed freely. Even when one attempts to contain or regulate it, it still shines through via the intimacy of your physical contact or the way your eyes are smiling.

What you have to consider is… While you’re working so hard to intimate to him that you can take him or leave him….. WHO wants to STAY with a gal that “could take him or leave him”? Does that make sense? Unfortunately for you, your inauthentic way of interacting with him sets you up to get dumped, because even though he *HATES* it and knows women who are not only willing, but EAGER to express their authentic love for him, he’s willing to tolerate you until he gets what he wants….

….. And like that, poof. He’s gone….

~Bill

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361 Comments

  1. Mr. Cammack, why did you not share this wisdom with me 17 years ago? I knew you were holding back. After 15 years I guess I must be doing something right.

    1. hahaha You’re definitely doin’ the right thing, Family Man! 😀

      I’m the one doing the WRONG thing, out in these trenches, still dealing with ridiculous situations!!! 😀

      Hey, maybe it’ll come in handy REAL SOON when I start writing my books! 😉

      1. I’m 22 and I just went through a breakup with my boyfriend of 4 years. I met this guy about two weeks ago and we automatically clicked. He’s considered one of the “bad boys”. Since he’s not someone that I would want a relationship with I figured that me and him could just be friends. He always asks me about my ex’s and I told him that the only two guys that I’ve had sex with were my two ex’s. I told him how there were many times that I ws not satisfied sexually with neither one of them because neither one of them could last long when we had sex. He told me that he was the total opposite and he could satisfy me and last alot longer than they could. To make a long story short the second time he invited me over his house we had sex and I know it was way too soon. I was very hesitant. There was alot of foreplay and he went down on me. The problem was that he only lasted for three minutes. I think he was a little embarrased. He told me that it was real good and he usually last alot longer with other females. I told him I didn’t believe him and he was like I promise you I do. Well afterwards he went downstairs to try to get his friend a ride to his gf’s house. He was like baby can you come downstairs for a minute so I wouldn’t be up there alone. I decided that maybe that was his cue for me to leave so i put on my jacket and my shoes. When I got downstairs he was like wait why do you have your jacket on and I was like I’m leaving what else am i suppose to do. His friend burst out and started laughing. He was like well I’ve got to take my friend somewhere anyways. He told me to call him as soon as I got home but he didn’t pick up. It’s been almost a week and I haven’t heard from him. I hope me and him can still be friends but as far as sex I think he knows from my complaints about my exes that I didn’t enjoy it. Why do you think he hasn’t called? May be the sex wasn’t good enough.

        1. Hey Cynthia. 🙂 Thanks for the comment/question.

          First, you need to go read http://billcammack.com/2008/07/07/lindsey-bill-does-he-want-to-be-friends/.

          If you’re attractive, guys are going to want to have sex with you. Whether they actually want to be friends with you is a separate issue, entirely.

          Women tend to have a different definition of “friends” than men do. For guys, being “friends” with an attractive female means “I’m going to **** her the first chance I get, by any means necessary, but until she decides to give it up, I’ll let her hang around me”.

          Gals misunderstand guys’ acceptance of the label “friends” as meaning “not sexually attracted to”. It actually means “Delaying acting on obvious sexual attraction”.

          Are there guys that aren’t sexually attracted to you that will spend time with you? Yes, there are => http://billcammack.com/2009/10/17/10-reasons-he-wants-to-be-just-friends/. Other than that, guys that think you’re hawt are going to be ready and willing to hook up with you at the drop of a hat (read: immediately, if not sooner).

          In this particular case, it’s Standard Operating Procedure to tell a chick that you can do something that their man couldn’t or wouldn’t do. *yawn* It’s like Game-101. Elementary. In fact, the only reason a guy’s going to ask you about your ex-boyfriends is so he can get you talking about sex and find out what you’re looking for. Y’all tell guys everything we need to know to get you to lay down with us. It’s really pretty basic.

          As far as the 3-minute thing…

          If a guy doesn’t have any incentive to make it last with you, he’s gonna get his ASAP. Sometimes, it’s an issue of not being ABLE to hold out, but lots of times, it’s just that he enjoys your body or how you look or how you move or whatever, and he’s like “This is good enough for MEEE! :D” and does his thing. It really doesn’t take very long for guys, as you’ve found out.

          It might not have anything to do with you at all. You might just have had the bad luck of kickin’ it with several guys that don’t care very much about a) your sexual satisfaction, or b) their sexual reputation, because everybody knows that chicks talk to each other about how it was for them, so if you’re willing to put in a poor performance, you may as well announce to the world that you’re wack and any chick that steps to you from now on can expect the same thing.

          From what you wrote, I would assume he hasn’t called because he’s embarrassed that he came so fast after talking all that “Love You Long Time” BS or that he’s one of those guys that hooks up with chicks for the experience of getting them, not for messing with the same chick several times.

          Either way.. You just need to decide for yourself who you want to hook up with and what you’re willing to put up with as far as lack of sexual satisfaction. When a dude cares about what you think, how you feel, and whether you got off or not, he’ll put in the time & energy to do the right thing by you.

              1. Bill, i wonder if i can ask some advice. i seriously need help. i feel completeley lost at the moment. I met a man on the internet. he is 33 i am in my 40s. We were very attracted to each other, and also intellectually sparking off each other and similar passion obout similar interests etc.
                We met and sparks flew. I was wary about getting into bed too soon although i was so attracted something held me back. however couldn’t resist kissing passionalty for quite a along time on the first date. And it felt so good.
                he wanted to see me again ‘ as soon as possible’ because of my strength of feeling for him already and the fact i was scared of my vulnerability i finished it but after he contacted me about it i tried to explain and he came over that night and again we had a good night, although it was quite heavy for a second date. again he asked if we could go and kiss in the car. He also told me he had a very strong sex drive. Again we kissed in the car and it progressed to a little more. I was meant to see him on Saturday, and after not hearing on friday i phoned friday night, and he seemed very pleased to hear from me. he text three times on saturday, and asked in one of the texts if we could have a romantic evening on our own. Agsin. i became mistrustful of his motives. we ended up though in the pub chatting and seeming to get on really well arms round me, kissing me attentive etc. he then asked again about comming back to make love. At this point i tried to talk to him about how it would feel for me if someone slept with me and buggered off. I ‘m very sensitive and giving myself physically is a huge emotional step. I already really liked him, and i knew if he did that i would be very very hurt. i tried to say i was not looking for casual sex, and he made some overture of saying he needed to settle down, but i felt it was forced. he did in the conversation talk about us doing things together in the future. I was so confused. On his phone was a picture of a gyrating female it was a kind of hologram thing but i couldn’t work out if he was genuine or a player. He said he liked my intellience and he could see i wasn’t a walk over. I said no to sex again but said one day in the near future. and he said ok but he was going to explode if we didn’t do it soon!!( messy indeed) we went to the car together and althougb it got very fruity and he came, we didnt have sex. Yes i was withholding because i didn’t trust he would stay around.
                as i got in my car i saw his face, and i knew there was something wrong. 2 days passed and i gave up . i assumed it was over. Then i had a text. A few things were worrying him since sat and he wasn’t sure it was a good idea. perhpas we should talk. We agreed a day to meet and talk but in the meantine his texts were short, without kisses, and terse. I couldn’t face the meeting. I knew i would be emotional and i felt whatever the outsome, he would have made up his mind. it would weaken my position. i text to say perhps we should both take a little time out. and he text back to agree and basically said time part would be a good idea. and that i could mail him or facebook him. i felt his text was taking this to a whole new casual level and I text him to say i would leave it to him to tell me what had happened on sat if he felt he wanted to and told him to ‘take care’ and thats the last i heard.

                I’m upset by my own reactions.I’m such a warm person and i acted so coldly. Its pure fear. i’m so scared of being slept with and dumped, i know how hurt i would be. ireally really liked this guy, and i don’t feel i’ve been authentic since his’ perhaps we should talk’ text. i didn’t want to become just an associate so i looked hard and pulled awayI still don’t know whether he was playing me or genuine, but if he was genuine, i’ve done us both a mis service . I’m incredibly loving sensual and tactile once i trust the persons intentions and he didn’t really get to see this side of me.
                any help or advie would be appreciated. I think i came across as an emotionally stunted hard nosed woman. where the oppostie is true. I probably felt involved very quickly. He may have been frightened off because he was so full on sexually, i had to keep talking about a serious relationship and that may well have been too heavy, when infact, i could have dated him casually for ages if he hadn’t have put the sexual pressure on me. The tragedy of it is is that we were both incredibly tactile with each other and seemed so compatible x thanks Bill Kerris

        2. Given your age and the circumstances you encountered, i would imagine this fella is in his 20’s, which usually is the age of someone pretending to be somebody their not. For instance, how he said he would do everything opposite of your past ex’s and your sexual experiences you had that wasn’t gratifying. The problem with this fella was that he couldn’t deliver what he promised and that is why I strongly believe is the core reason why he isn’t calling you back. He can’t face you after his light switch experience. Basically, you turned it on and he turned it off – BAM!!! That quick and so was his orgasm. Sad for him, but good for you. Why? Simple! He will always be a light switch and it would now be too much of a challenge for him to NOT repeat what had happened during your encounter, especially with you having the upper hand on him which is knowing that he is MINUTE MAN!!! That is a title no man takes lightly. The foreplay and your hesitation of not giving it up was his downfall. He wasted all that energy and the heart beat racing mad concluded to his muscles (Down there) being stimulated by the irregular heart beats he was experiencing. I guarantee that while he was down there, you know, DOWN TOWN! The minute he saw that he had you where he wanted you, he probably ended the eating of the cake and cut a slice and served himself a piece. The problem was that he didn’t get to try the frosting because he ate the cake to damn fast. TRANSLATION: A YOUNG BUCK!!! That’s why younger women are dating guys who are much older than them because of that same reason. Maturity equals satisfaction in many forms; such as multiple orgasms, conversational skills, financial stability, less bullshit, and most importantly – Better Sex!!!! A mature man and confident man won’t ask about your ex or past sexual experience. That isn’t an important factor to us because it was your past and it wasn’t a good one. Mature men knows what has to be done and understands a woman’s needs. Mature men read body language and spend less time looking at your breasts, but more time looking into your eyes to read what you are hiding or don’t want to expose. Mature men listens when you speak and responds to your questions. Mature men don’t say they understand what you went through, but instead say they wish you didn’t experience that. Mature men don’t patronize, but instead relates to your pain or suffering. Mature men don’t say everything is going to be alright, they’ll say “Together we will work through this with great results.” Bottom line, you are not getting younger and it’s time to leave the boys with their video games for a nice dinner and Broadway show. That’s a night out of town that already has FOREPLAY written all over it. God Bless!

      2. About 3 weeks ago i went to a rave. i met this guy who i danced with the whole night and who i hooked up with (we didnt have sex), i was extremely intoxicated. we exchange numbers, and i txtd him 2 days later. we figured out a day to get together and do it. we talked through out the week about other things not just sex, we had good laughs. he drove about 80 miles to visit me on a wednesday night. we did it, and it was good, he said he enjoyed it. then we talked for another hour and he left. i would like for us to keep having sex. its been a week and he hasnt texted me or anything.

          1. Hi there…I’m an (attractive) 28 y/o who is going thru a divorce after 7 years of marriage. We’ve been living separately for 4 months, he’s definitely moved on and I just started to put myself out there again. I recently went to a club with some friends and they introduced me to this guy. It seemed like he was there with someone, but he bought me a drink and got my number right in front of her. He was talking to me when he gave her the keys to his car and said she could take the car…I guess he thought he was coming home with me. I saw the girl give him a dirty look on her way out. I asked him what the deal was and he said it was his cousin. I laughed it off and said “that’s a sexy cousin you got there.” He said “Oh yea, you want me to hook you up?” and I said “nah, she’s not my type…” He asked where we were going and I said back to my friend’s house but basically I let him know it wasn’t that kinda party. He ended up leaving with his “cousin.” We spoke on the phone later that night for maybe a half hour, we got to know each other a little, I told him about how I’m a business owner and a college graduate, volunteer and a mother of one, and he shared a little bit about his life with me. He told me that night that I would be his girl. I laughed and said “oh yea? we’ll see…” The next day he called our mutual friend (whose house I was staying at), made some small talk and eventually asked to speak to me. I told our friend to have him call me on my phone. He sent me a text and said he wanted to see me, that we could do whatever I wanted. I ended up calling him when I got home, but I had my son so I told him I couldn’t do anything with him that night (of course I don’t wanna bring any strange men around my son) he said he understood…then I said he could come over and watch a movie with me after my son fell asleep…and he did. It didn’t take long for him to be all over me, I’m not gonna lie, it felt amazing, no one has ever kissed me or touched me the way that he did. But there was no way I was going to sleep with him that night, and I told him I wanted us to get to know each other a little better and I also made sure to let him know he was really good at what he was doing. We chatted for a bit and we fell asleep with him holding me on my couch. A few hours later his phone rang at about 3am, someone called to say his brother got into a car accident. Then a few other phone calls came in and he jumped up and threw on his shoes. He walked outside and stood at my front door. It looked like his world came to an end. All of the emotion left his face. He hung up the phone and said “I have to go, I think my brother just died.” I was in shock, I didn’t know what to say but as soon as he left I said a prayer for him and his family, and I sent him a text saying that they were all in my prayers and if he needed anything at all I’m right here. A few more days passed and our mutual friend asked me to send him a message and ask if he was ok and I did…no response, a few more days passed and I sent him a message just letting him know he was in my thoughts and to stay strong and goodnight. No response. The last text I sent was a simple “hey” a few days later, at this point I had heard the details of the tragedy and really just wanted to be there for him, if/when he wanted me to. No response. I left it alone. After about ten days he called me at 11:45 pm on a wednesday night. I answered out of my sleep and he asked if he woke me up, and said if so he could call me another time. He sounded so sad. I told him yes, I was sleeping, but I was happy to hear from him. I asked him how he was holding up, and invited him over. He mentioned the time and said, if I come, can I stay until the morning, I said sure, he said it would be good for him to get away. I was really happy to hear from him, and I was also excited I would be seeing him again, since I liked him a lot and I loved the way it felt when he touched me and kissed me. When he got here he looked sad, of course and I put in a movie and we sat on the couch. He cuddled right up to me and eventually started to kiss me and I saw where this was going. I wanted it as bad as he did, but I didn’t feel ready. I let him know the deal. He asked if we could go lay down and I said yea, it’s late. Of course, he started kissing me again and was feeling all over me. He asked me to give him a chance and he promised I wouldn’t regret it. I told him I didn’t think I would…It felt great and even though part of me didn’t want to go there yet, part of me NEEDED it..lol He fell asleep and I jumped in the shower, groomed–lol, and slipped back into bed. He started telling me he wanted me to be just his and he whispered in my ear “will you be my girl?” I told him that I liked him but we barely knew each other. He told me we could get to know each other. I said “well, I could…” and he said “no, it’s not that you could, you are, and that’s it.” Then he grabbed me and he started to kiss me again, asked if he could take off my pants and kiss me “there” I said yes, and he did, the next thing you know he tried to slip it in without a condom…don’t know what’s wrong with you men these days…He went and got the condom he brought and we started having sex…It was decent…But I thought I heard my son coming and that was an embarrassing interruption that turned out to be my dog! When I came back to bed I noticed the condom was broken. hmmm Again, he tried to go raw…saying I won’t get you pregnant, I’ll pull out…” hahaha, I told him I’d go see if I had a condom. I found one but it was one of those extended pleasure condoms that numb your shyt. It kind of fked things up, made the sex go on a little longer than it should have. I went down on him to try and fix the situation and ended up rinsing the numbing solution off the condom in the sink…ugh embarrassing!! As soon as I did that he finished…but I must admit it was awkward…I fell asleep in his arms and in the morning at around 9am he left. He kissed me on my mouth, nose and forehead and said he had to go and that he’d call me when he made it home. I said ok. He never did…The next evening I sent him a text saying “damnnnnn bby I didn’t hear from “may man” alllll day, I see how it is lol” and he responded an hour later with ” my bad bby” I responded with “whats up w/u” and hours passed with no response…Eventually I wrote “obviously you’re fulla shyt and didn’t mean anything you said to me last night, I gave you a chance and I regret it.” He never responded to that. I was really upset, because truly, I’m not used to getting played, and I don’t like the feeling. I went to go and pick up my son from his father’s house two days later and I ran in to use the bathroom. I saw condom boxes all over…I got mad and realllllllllly wanted to do me. But I had already given myself to somebody, and I figured why not get some more of him? I asked a friend what she thought and she said fk it call him and tell him to come over and handle it…So I called him, we said hello to each other, and I said “so whats up booty call?” He was like “what?” and I said “what’s up booty call?” and he was like “whoa, if that’s how you wanna see me.” and I said “well, it’s not really how I WANT to see you, but it is what it is, right?” and he said “well at least you’re honest.” So I asked him to come over and he said he had a few things to do with his mother and sister, but that he’d come by later. He never showed up…never called, never answered my calls or texts and that was that…Am I crazy? Him hitting it and never calling when he said he would after hitting me up at 11:45pm the night before was treating me like a booty call right? Do you think he took offense to this or is he just a dog? I sent a text saying I was lonely & only wanted him & I tried calling him a few days later and he never answered. I sent a text saying I didn’t know if it was what he was going thru (w/his brother passing away) or if he just didn’t want to talk to me, but to let me know. No response. Still haven’t heard anything…so I deleted his # from my phone. I’m pissed though…If he didn’t act so into me, and actually try to establish boyfriend status with me, he never woulda hit it, as much as I was feeling him. I guess he just said what he needed to say to get what he wanted to get….Thoughts?

  2. 4)Maybe its me sweety and had nuttin’ to do with you! I have many times left my place knowing that i was gonna get my buzz on and call a shawty afterwards (you know, the booty call girl). Gettin’ azz was the motivating factor getting me out of the house on that cold night. It just so happens that i caught the eye of sum sweet young thing at the bar and having been blessed with the gift of gab… Well one thing leads to another and I make like a trained dancer and TAP all over dat! Maybe it was corny or maybe she had me making up words to describe the session like “that shyt was GOODER than a mofo” either way, mission accomplished! I got ME sum azz and now its a wrap. Nuttin’ personal was just looking for the release!
    BTW: You can see dudes like me coming. Our convos are very transparent and superficial PLUS we seem more interested in your comment about how its been a ruff week and you need to let off steam! oh reeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaally…

    1. Dude. I’m telling you. SRSLY. Write a book! HAHAHA I get more laughs from your comments than you get from my posts! 😀

      Right, Right… There’s always the potential that a gal was only seen as extracurricular activity from the giddyap. Y’all won’t know the difference, because a guy’s gonna come at you the same way whether he wants you long-term or short.. or like basically no-term haha. 🙂

      I was more speaking to the situation where women feel like they’re “in a relationship” as opposed to they go out, meet a guy, give him some, then hear DOO, DOO, DOOOOO… THE NUMBER YOU HAVE REACHED… 555-1212… IS NO LONGER IN SERVICE… NO FURTHER INFORMATION IS AVAILABLE ABOUT… 555-1212… THANK YOU… GOOD-BYE! 😀

      1. It’s on the way, Amy! 😉

        I got bogged down in formatting, and then I’ve had a ton of work lately, so I’m not in the mood to do anything else I don’t feel like doing (formatting an eBook), but I’ve decided to screw the format and output a collection of posts, and people can like it or not. >:D

    1. Fascinating link… “A.M.” 😉 Thanks for sharing that. A quote from there:

      “By delaying mating, the female is able to reduce the chance she will mate with a bad male. A male’s willingness to court for a long time is a signal that he is likely to be a good male.”

      Pardon my ‘French’, because this is 99% a “family show”… But “A male’s willingness to court for a long time is a signal that he has other pussy already.”

      1. other pussy AND more likely than not a need to close out the deal! We all have had that one girl that because we had to wait, now its on! Ima get dat!!!!

        1. Right… I don’t think I got to that point in this post, but it’s definitely a possibility that due to excessive holding out and Fronting On The Jimmy, a guy sticks around for that one Grudge-[Lay] and after he enjoys the hell out of that ish, he doesn’t want to have anything else to do with her.

          The thing is, he didn’t want anything to do with you BEFORE THAT, but he was just holding out to see if he could finally get the only thing he was talking to you for in the first place.

          1. damn dude, i would say we see eye to eye but with the verbal spanking handed out on “only date broke chicks”, uhm you on your own! lol

  3. I have NEVER understood why so many men put in so much effort lying/deceiving a girl to get in her pants, then immediatly dump her afterwards!!!

    How can they be so shallow, and why date a girl for a month just to drop her after sleeping with her once!? Surely they would want to sleep with her again if they spent all that time just to get sex…

    And I’m sorry but I DO qualify as a person and I don’t understand why so many men are game players and use deceitful mind games to take advantage of women.

    In contrast to the average man’s selfish manipulation, It’s not like I would ever consider leading on some innocent man to make him pay for presents, jewellery, flowers etc and then immediately piss off without giving him a second glance.

    If men got it their way, they would want a women to look and act like a porn star and never ask for anything!! And never get pregnant, and not mind when she is dumped for the next hotter, younger girl that comes along!!!

    Because men just want to spread their seed and play the field and never develop any feeling for any woman.

    1. Hi Amy. Thanks for the comments. 🙂

      Eventually, I’ll try to explore the topic in-depth, but the short answer of my reply to why guys lie so much to get laid is that nobody’s interested in monogamy off the bat.

      Guys want to get laid, period. If they can do it to-day… They will. If they can do it next week, they will. If they can do it next month, they will. Also, just because one woman’s holding out on a guy doesn’t mean that OTHER women aren’t giving him some.

      A lot of the time, what happens is that by the time a gal finshes making a guy jump through hoops to hook up with her, he’s already having sex with some OTHER woman who’s actually DOWN FOR HIM and WANTS to have sex with him as opposed to someone that’s willing to barter him sex in return for whatever her list of demands is. Do you see how “blah” that is? A woman that you’ve given light to and she uses that as a chance to get stuff from you? A lot of times, guys are just “staying in the pocket” long enough to see if she finally gives it up or not.

      Another reason is that some guys are ONLY into the question of whether they can get her to give it up or not. Once she does, there’s no challenge anymore, so they can move on to the next gal(s).

      Another reason is that when the guy finally got it, he detested the sex. She talks too much, she talks too little, she talks about the wrong things, she sounds like a porno, she sounds like nothing’s going on, he doesn’t like how her body feels, he doesn’t like the fit, she’s not sensual when she does things to him…..

      For some reason, women seem to believe that sex is good by definition… Like, because sexual contact was achieved, that means it was GOOD sex. Far from true, haha 🙂

      Also, you’re right about your last two comments. While there are lots of guys out there looking for committed relationships and someone to start a family with, for the most part, what we do is known by the generic, impersonal term, “getting girls”. No idea who these women are going to be. We’ll find out when we get wherever we’re going today. Makes no difference, and we’ll meet more tomorrow and the next day. We don’t need their numbers because we’re more likely to go meet new gals than call ones we already met.

      Which brings me back to the solution. Even the most hardcore ‘players’ that I’ve known have had “main squeezes” from time to time… Women that lasted for months or even years on that list to call up and go places. That doesn’t mean those women had any SAY in what those guys did or that their relationships were monogamous, but they had a special position… They got to be around, when most other women got no consideration at all.

      The solution, therefore, is to demonstrate who you are as a person and WHY a guy should want more than to just mess with you and move on. I don’t think women demonstrate enough personality, often in fear that they’ll mess up their rap… when, in reality, the only thing that can save their rap IS their personalities.

      1. “For some reason, women seem to believe that sex is good by definition…”
        When or where did the idea come from that “women seem to believe” that? I mean really?!!? Women, of all people would least agree seeing as how they dont climax as readily as men… Which is the point as it relates to this post (the other being, to make babbies). In fact wasnt it believed for a long time that women didnt even like sex? So um, yea…

        1. Hey Lin. Thanks for the comments. 🙂

          To clarify.. What I’m saying is that as long as women enjoyed the experience, they’re prone to believe that the guy enjoyed it as well. Also, as long as THEY feel that the guy should want to hit it again, they’re surprised when he doesn’t. In his eyes, it “wasn’t all that”, but because she’s all souped up over the experience, she’s not aware that he’s done with messing with her.

          Of course a woman is going to consider sex good as long as she ‘got hers’, because that’s GOOD! 😀 .. In the context of this post, you could have gotten dumped after sex because he didn’t want any more after your lame showing the first time.

          Also, it wasn’t so much “believed” that women don’t like sex, but women are trained NOT to like sex as a method of controlling them and attempting to ensure that the kids a man is raising are in fact his own.

        1. Hey Sue. 🙂

          There are always more women that would “have a guy or be nice to him”.. Women are the ones clamoring to get into “relationships”, not men.

          Can you elaborate? o_O

  4. AMY:
    “In contrast to the average man’s selfish manipulation, It’s not like I would ever consider leading on some innocent man to make him pay for presents, jewellery, flowers etc and then immediately piss off without giving him a second glance.”

    Do you really think YOU arent playing decitful games when you know you probably arent interested in sum dude like that but yet you allow him to take you to dinner anyway? He took you because he assumed there was a connection and that there was an end to his means, meanwhile you knew better.

    Bad sex, bad breath, holding out too long… the list is too long to get into. Just keep in mind that if you DID NOT have any interest in a guy but went on a few dates anyway, he might see to it that out of comfort alone you keep going out with him. When u finally give it up…

    Who was wrong? You for NOT ending it when you knew u should have or he for seeing the flaw and working it till u gave it up??

    1. “allow him to take you to dinner anyway?”
      The time alone would suffice, if the guy wants to dine with a lady. I dont see how that is selfish. The women isnt pursuing dinner and using men to get dinner. Men are pursuing sex, and using, lying and manipulating women in the process. Hence the phrase “treated like a peice of meat”. Howev’ if the women too, wants just sex, then its a fair trade. Instead of the manipulation, why dont fellas jus pursue the ones who only want it? There are plenty of women out there who only want sex btw. Its better to jus be real (honest). You’d be amazed at how it could simplify the hunt.

      1. Hey Lin. 🙂

        I don’t know how many women you know, but lots of women “use men to get dinner” every day of the week. In fact, they use men to get BREAKFAST, LUNCH, *AND* DINNER! 😀 plus trips and jewelry and anything else they can get.

        There are women that go to bars without money/credit SPECIFICALLY because they intend to get guys to pay for their entertainment the whole time.

        If she’s not trying to get over, her best bet is to offer to pay for her half of the meal OR insist that she picks up the check next time they go out.

        The reason why guys don’t pursue the women that just want to get laid is….. Women don’t want to SAY they just want to get laid, so they can attempt to avoid the double-standard stigma of being labeled a ho while the guy who does the same thing will be called a playboy and congratulated.

        I agree that things would be a lot better if everyone could come to the table with their list of interests and sort them out honestly, but, for the most part… Ain’t That Type Of Party! 😀

      2. “The time alone would suffice, if the guy wants to dine” true! BUT…
        I was speaking to the fact that woman blame men for trying to get sum just because they went out, meanwhile the dinner invite (lunch, breakfast) was accepted knowing full well that nothing was going to happen. & You knew you wouldnt let me tap that but you went out with me anyway. I figured it out by the nights end and made it my business to keep taking you out until you gave it up. Now, unless you made me catch cramps in places i had no idea that there were muscles…that unecessary hunt is the reason you got dumped after sex.
        it is what it is, built into the game. we play the game that needs to be played when we are trying to get some. So even when the young lady thinks she is getting over by getting something with out putting out, the guy is usually 2 streps ahead and plays to that sense of self strength. Just tell me u want to phuck or tell me u dont…

  5. You wrote: “On top of that, you’re diluting yourself with all these inauthentic maneuvers”

    I think you meant to say “deluding” yourself.

    1. Hey MN. Thanks for the comment. 🙂

      I meant “diluting”, except I didn’t explain the concept properly, so thank you for bringing that up.

      What I didn’t properly express was that if you like someone and you keep acting like you don’t, then when you finally “come around”, you’re giving one instance of being positive towards them after MANY instances of being either neutral or negative towards them. Therefore, if “purity” is you liking that person, you’ve “diluted yourself” by being inauthentic.

      Said another way, if you’re a baseball player and you can hit home runs pretty much as will, but you instead choose to bunt or hit singles all the time, you’re “diluting” your potential home run stats. Instead of expressing your potential, you’re holding yourself back and people will know you as a bunter or a single-hitter instead of a home run hitter.

      As it pertains specifically to this post, “diluting yourself” gives the guy the impression that you don’t like him as much as you really do. This will definitely play a part in his decision whether or not to call you again after he gets on.

  6. okay so i met this guy at a birthday party. we hit it off and talked for a few hours. we were both sober and didn’t have much to drink.
    i read somewhere if a guy is overly comfortable with you and touches you frequently and tries to kiss you he’s probably a player. so while we were still at the party he tried to kiss me and i refused. so the night carried on and the party was over, my ride had left without me so i asked and he kind of offered to drive me home.
    so we pulled up in front of my house, the night was going to end there until he asked if he could use my washroom (typical player move huh?)
    so i let him. then i let my integrity slip and asked him if he wanted to hang out for a bit and even spend the night.
    one thing lead to another and we had sex.
    when the deed was done he said “your too much of a distraction and i think it’s better if i just go home”
    pfffff okay! and just as he was leaving he said “hey send me a message tomorrow” when he had gotten my number when we were at the party. i refused to message him and thought i came off rude by saying “no seriously, i’m not going to message you” he had a shocked and surprised look on his face.so we hung out at my place from about 130-5am then he left.
    the next day roles around and at around 2pm i end up getting his number from my girlfriend and message him saying” hey sorry if i came off rude when you left. i’m just a little old fashioned in the sense that i would prefer it if the guy would call me the next day” he replied: “it’s all good no big deal” and that was that until i went out with my friends and was feeling shitty about the whole situation and the bad impression i had given him:S

    so later on that same day in the evening i messaged something like ” would you like to see me again or did you just play me?” we went back and forth with messages and generally he never gave me a straight answer. his reply to my question was “lol don’t you remember you were the one that was rude?”

    i’ve tried arranging to meet up and go out with him so i can get to know him better during the day and both times he “was really busy with school” yah right!

    i sent him a message that pretty much explained what i wanted and what i was about by saying: “i know what i want and how i deserve to be treated and it’s definitely not half ass! 😀 i’ve unintentially given you the wrong impression about me and i’ve tried to fix that by trying to get to know you better. It was your charm and gentlemen like qualities that attracted me to you in the first place. i’d like to give it another go and go out sometime but not at 3am (this was after he wanted to meet up once at 3am; so i wrote this to him to make it clear that i’m not interested in being a booty call) so he replied: ” that’s quite the quote!
    i’m not a gentlemen…lol” now seeing as how this was written in a text and there’s no emotional expression in it, do you think he wrote that in a ‘wow i’m flattered you thought i was’ or in a ‘no i’m an asshole player lingo” ahahah

    to cut to the chase, he asked me ‘what are you looking for?’ and i said ” to go out here and there and have a good time;) i’m not asking for the world” he said:”ok want me to bring a movie tonight” (him still being half ass and just wanting sex was my interpretation of this so-called ‘effort’ on his part)

    i called him up and said tonight doesn’t work but can we hang out on thursday, i asked that we meet in a public place. anyhow, he canceled and i haven’t heard from him since, today it’s monday (5 days altogether)…

    i don’t want to sound needy by trying again!!! but i would like to get to know him better, i felt there was a lot of chemistry and similarities we have in common.

    soooo my b-day dinner is this weekend. and i knowww the answer you’re going to give me lol ‘he’s not interested because he hasn’t called me since then.’ but could i give it one more shot and just send him a simple text inviting him to come have a drink with me and come cool people. i have nothing to loose right?? if he doesn’t reply or cancels again then i got my anwer, right? no big deal…

    and if you suggest that i should just drop it! i’m sure i’ll end up seeing him again because we both have some mutual friends in common so i would like to know how i could get his attention again??? how can i get him interested in me again…care to share some tips or advice. thanks!

    1. Hi Anna. Thanks for the comments. 😀

      I’m glad you wrote so much so you can go back and read what you wrote. It’s pretty clear that you changed directions several times in the course of one evening. It’s nothing to feel poorly about, because a lot of women do this on a regular basis.

      A typical problem is that chicks want to hook up with guys, but they don’t want to SEEM LIKE they want to hook up with guys. This makes y’all look kind of bad when you do all this fronting and then give it up anyway. It’s not the “giving it up” that makes you look bad. There’s nothing wrong with that. The problem is that you seem to be making up your mind about something and then not being able to stick by your decision. That’s a bad impression for ANYBODY to give someone, not just women.

      You didn’t “let your integrity slip”. You finally stopped fronting and did what you had intended to do the entire time, which was hook up with him.

      If a guy’s pressing up on you, that doesn’t make him a player. It probably means that he’s physically attracted to you in particular, or he just wants to mess with any available chick that he likes, in general.

      The fact that your ride left without you is pretty bad. Even if you have mass transportation where you live and went to that party, a lot of women get into some messed up situations because people leave them out in the street in the middle of the night. I know it sounds like I’m talking about a dollar bill, haha 🙂 but it’s VERY important for you and your friends to make sure you get home safely each evening.

      Yes. “Can I use your washroom?” is a trick. We’re guys. We don’t have to use washrooms. We have walls and trees.

      Instead of feeling good about the fact that he was actually willing to speak to you the next day, you told him you weren’t going to message him. What did you gain from that? People need to think about these old-fashioned ideas and if they ever worked for them.

      Tell me this… What was the value of telling him you weren’t going to message him after you already gave him some? Does that make sense to you? 😀 That’s like saying “You can have a million dollars from me, but I won’t give you a dollar”. Seriously. Women need to stop trying to gain power in these situations and go with the flow. Trust Me… The top thing a guy wants from a gal is sex, so once you give him that, don’t bother acting like you aren’t sweating him……. unless, of course, he didn’t tap it proppah.

      So dude was all over you for 3 1/2 hours and then you tried to front on him with “I’m not going to message you”? hahaha How much work do you want a brotha to put in before he can get a text message from you? 😀

      How come you needed to get his number from your friend? I assumed that since he told you to message him that you had his number. Either way, you see what happened, right? 🙂 You fronted as if you weren’t going to contact him first and then you did. The night before, you fronted like you weren’t going to give him some, and then you did. You see the pattern there?

      Don’t bother asking a guy if he “played you”. If he did, he’s going to continue playing you. If he didn’t, he’s going to be embarrassed that he came off like a player when he isn’t. There aren’t any wins in that question. Also, you come off as if that happens to you a lot. There’s no reason for you to assume that you’ve been “played”. On top of that… *YOU* chose to give him some! 😀 YOU chose to have him come over and stay “until the break-day-light”, so clearly, that was a mutual agreement between y’all, not him “playing” you.

      I’m not sure what you invited him to during the day, but, in general, if a guy doesn’t feel there’s something sexy in it for him, he’s not going to be very inclined to make time to hang out with a chick that he’s already had sex with. Like, if you told him “Let’s go to the zoo”, he’s going to decline, because why would he want to go to the zoo with you when he wants to mess with you? OTOH, if you invited him to have some lunch or go to dinner with you, that’s a perfectly viable way for people to get to know each other better in a nice setting, so if he were interested in spending time with you, he should have either accepted your invitation or given you a rain check (offered you an alternative time/place where he’s available to get together with you).

      I think the “I’m not a gentleman” line was basically letting you know that he was going to try to get on whenever possible. Some people equate “gentleman” with “guy who won’t try to have sex with a chick”.

      As far as him bringing a movie over, he’s still spending time with you one way or the other. I agree that his plan was primarily to get on again, but that was his plan the whole time. It was his plan on day 1 and it’s going to be his plan every time he’s around you.

      If you don’t feel like giving him some, don’t. If you want to insist that he takes you out somewhere, go ahead and do that, but that doesn’t seem to be working. If your goal is to become his girlfriend, then down the line, you’re going to be giving it up on a regular basis. If that’s not what you’re trying to do, then just keep it friendly with him and see how long that lasts before he stops taking you calls.

      As far as “Thursday”, nobody said he was available on Thursday. 🙂 He was offering you whatever day it was… when he had nothing better to do. He cancelled Thursday because he HAD “something better to do”.

      Overall, I understand your wanting to “get to know him better”, except you can do that over the phone or over the net. You don’t have to go out with him ANYWHERE to get to know him better.

      I think he IS interested in you, by the fact that he keeps accepting your attempts to contact him. I think what you have to recognize is that you’re not going to be able to split him liking you as a person from him liking you physically. You’re going to have to accept both aspects if you want to keep pursuing him. That doesn’t mean that you have to have sex with him ever again. That just means that you have to recognize that that’s what he’s going to want from you.

      You totally don’t have anything to lose by inviting him to your dinner. You might be disappointed if he doesn’t show up, but you’ll be similarly disappointed if you don’t try.

      My suggestion to you is pretty similar to my suggestion to any gal, which is to take a hard look at yourself and your goals and what you want out of life and relationships and figure out if that meshes with what guys want from you.

      Guys are going to want sex. If you don’t want to get involved with them like that until you “get to know them better”, then don’t. Let them know you’re not down with the program, and if they stick around, they stick around…. However… Don’t ACT LIKE you’re not down with it and then give it up anyway. Don’t say you’re not going to contact them and then contact them.

      When you do that, you’re making guys believe that your word doesn’t mean anything, and it’s all downhill from there.

      Good Luck! 😀

  7. Anna,
    OMG! I had nearly the exact same thing happen to me and I’m a dude!
    If I were to apply the BS I was told in my recent experience I would guess that because you’re not already friends his “internal thinking” is that there’s no reason for him to want to fix it. Yeah like this would happen with one of his friends… If that was the case there wouldn’t have been any need for him to be out at all… see the Catch-22?

    Anyway the Not Friends=No Fixee excuse is part of what I got back in my situation. I guess it was better than no information at all… although it does suck ass in a mighty big way and speaks volumes about the kind of person you just slept with. Largely because it’s a lie. So you just slept with a liar. Feeling better yet? This person was NEVER looking for a relationship and will do or say anything (leveraging the slightest of infractions) to make sure that doesn’t happen. Suffice to say I played this back to my friends (who else ya’ gonna’ share your screw ups with?) because it sounded weak and they (male and female) were the first to point out that’s the kind of rubbish that players pull so they can cut and run. 🙁

    In summary: You got played, chalk it up to experience and don’t lose weeks of your life being angry. As can happen with some people 🙂 Grrrrr. Better luck next time. Here’s a related link:

    http://billcammack.com/?s=expendable&x=0&y=0.

  8. anna: you said you got the number from your friend? You do realize that one of the reasons he is even entertaining your texts/calls is because he might trying to avoid the uncomfortable future encounter and maybe even getting some lip/attitude from the mutual buddies. I have to disagree with Mr. Bill on this one, i dont think he might be interested. Leave it alone. Sometimes it doesnt matter, if all he wanted was the azz before he went home there is nothing he wants after. Now without asking you anything about the evening, you do realize that you are amping this dudes ego by continously “chasing” after him now that he done broke you off proper? I dont want to hear that it wasnt any good because at the end of the day I hear exactly what he is hearing and this is “my shyt so good she keep wanting it”! Not being disrespectful just honest. You said he aint gettin none and he did! You aint texting/calling and you did! He got you right were he needs you. Tomorrow (meaning tomorrow wednesday) he might just call and say “hey, lets go get a drink way over here far from your Serta Firm Sleeper. Now he is doing what you want but guess what, by the end of the night you might wind up riding the pony again or wind up with a hit placed on you. HIT? yeah the “oh she wanna play games” hit! I’ll catch up wit her again and when i get again she’ll know she gotz got! regardless of his pedigree (he might be a playa or he might not) its obvious you are not built for this. Let it go because at the end the only one who is “cumming” out a “head” is him! and yes i purposely hi-lited those 2 words cause he wil be a cumin’ from the head if you dont ease up and let him fade to black!

    BTW: dudes like me know that you have read those stupid books/comments/columns on “if he/she is really a playa he/she will do…” thats why we may sit there and look you right in the eye while as we do all them things. What better way to defend myself from said description then to deny them while im doing them??

    1. Thank you for your comments and advice gentlemen, much appreciated!!:)
      I invited him to come to my birthday dinner on Saturday, so that way if he doesn’t come them I’m thru trying and I am moving on:D

  9. OK, I’m about to hijack this thread for a few moments and although this may not be relevant to some of the recent conversations, it’s relevant to the spirit of the actual posting by Mr. Cammack. Keep in mind that I have a few friends who “ghost” read this column and usually have opinions but for whatever reason just don’t write any down. This past Wednesday (04-22) I was at a local Manhattan bar with several friends (not including me-4 men and 2 women) and the topic of “Why you got dumped after SEX” came up. Before accepting any answers, I specifically asked the women to PLEASE not interject any personal feelings into this, I just want to know what we as a group perceived as legitimate reasons for calling it off immediately after that first session. Once actual feelings are removed, some of these answers appear shallow but are TRUE catalyst for the inevitable outcome. To the women reading this, please refrain from assuming we/ME is a cad and feeling that I deserve whatever name calling you may want to put in print. J

    It was an informal poll and I did take the ladies responses into account. In no particular order, the following were the ones that we pretty much all agreed on:

    Body Odor! Although some agreed that on a casual one night stand kind of thing it might be excusable if said person was picked up that night after a long evening at the local watering hole, there is no justification for either member to be unprepared for the possibility of an encounter by the second date. None of us cared (and the girls reluctantly had to agree) that you may have a 4-5-6-7 date minimum or a 2-3 month deadline, you should be prepared! Like our moms used to say”put on some clean underwear in case you get into an accident!” Well, a lil’ deodorant and powder in the right spots in case you accidentally wind up under someone! (FYI: Life lesson on eating out. If you go to a nice restaurant or a neighborhood dump, keep in mind that the catch of the day should not emit noxious fumes. Catch of the day should be fresh and smell fresh! HintHint, NudgeNudge… All puns were intended) (FYI#2: if it smells like Doritos it better be a bag of Doritos and not the socks you are wearing)

    Hot Breath, also commonly known as dragon breath or stinky breaf’ if you have kids, was also discussed as a major violation. Never mind the sex, if you have any illusions of kissing or being kissed be prepared! Both women agreed that many times the right kiss can lead to the “rules of engagement” being revised if only for that one night. Make your partner want to stay there and not make the connection to the Cheetos smelling socks that he/she now has to rush home to launder!

    We have all heard the phrase “cleanliness is close to godliness” well here is our updated version “Clingy-ness is close to loneliness”! We don’t care if you planned it or if we had enough game to break you down, we do not want to hear how you feel so cosmically connected to us at that moment. All we want to know is that we wuz good and you expect more before we leave! Yes leave! I am not staying unless its my lease, in that case one more time before you leave. AND fellas, amp your negative feelings by about 100 and now you know what the woman feel when its US getting all clingy!

    Uhm, hmmmm… I’m gonna be as polite as I can be, grooming-AS IN BE GROOMED! I don’t care that you had no plans and getting got, should you not be taking care of yourself anyway? Even those dudes who are more interested in hittin’ it and keepin’ it movin’ will still take note of that. She is obviously the type to fall off after she settles in and gets comfortable! And dudes, its becoming more of an expectation, we need to start grooming as well. They are not asking us to be completely “bald” but getting a “fade” and the weekly “shape-up” is becoming a necessity. If they have to keep it right, we should be keeping it tight as well.

    This is not a PORNO! We all want to know that we wrecking that right but damn, it doesn’t need to sound like a U-Haul just ran over your toes! The screaming and the loud azz religious chants are cool but please remember-USE YOUR INSIDE VOICE! You don’t need to scream, the good lord sees you sinning…trust me! And thanx to my 2 beautiful female friends for this one, DUDES-shyt talking has its limits. Unless you know for a fact that is OK, don’t call out any derogatory phrases that will get your membership cancelled!

    And the one we all agreed on was-THAT SHYT WAS WACK! Waiting and anticipation are real serial killers when it comes to this. It better live up to expectations or there are going to be problems!

    And now back to your originally scheduled programming.

    1. Great post, Frank, and ABSOLUTELY RELEVANT hijack haha 😀

      There will always be way more lurkers than participants on the net. That’s just how it is. It’s very cool to hear about some of them, though hahaha Thanks. 🙂

      Y’all are on-point about the BO/bad breath issues. Those are grounds for excommunication even if you’re NOT messing with someone hahaha it’s just a DRAG to be around. Hopefully, if something like this is encountered, the relationship’s strong enough for the offended party to inform the offensive person that they need to shape up before they get shipped out.

      There’s pretty much nothing you can do to get past someone else’s BO. Bad breath is relatively easily defeated by doggie-style.

      Grooming is a funny one. It’s pretty clear that some chicks leave their apartments with NO INTENTIONS of their jeans coming off that day. Then they get caught (literally) with their pants down, and it’s like ” hmm… Weren’t expecting me, huh? 😀 “. That’s also a tactical problem when they WANT to get with the program, but they know damned well that they’re not looking/feeling proper down there.

      There’s also the long-term problem of “Damn… This chick doesn’t even maintain herself for HER OWN REASONS? :/” Ladies!!! It’s seriously not enough to hook yourselves up after the fact. You’ve already been low-rated.

      As far as the porno-speak, I’ve been lucky not to encounter that, personally. The only time that happened to me, ‘matter of fact, was at “The Wedge”… and I know FRANK knows what I’m talkin’ ’bout! 😉 haha Up in Hunt’s Point. My boys had bought me a lap dance, because I find those things corny to begin with and wouldn’t have bought one for myself, and this chick decides to SPANISH IT UP, while looking back at me like as if The Kid was puttin’ in work. I was completely like :/ …. I can’t remember whether I laughed right in her face or not, but I remember thinking “If this [chick] could just SHUT THE %&#@ UP, I *MIGHT* be able to concentrate on her ass!”

      Clingy behavior is no good in general. Unwarranted clingy behavior is even worse. That’ actually a good reason not to hit it in the first place. If she can’t handle it and is going to start thinking of you as her man, you might want to just leave her on-deck or in the bullpen. Be like De Niro in Ronin… Never go INTO a chick that you don’t know how to get OUT of.

  10. The wedge??? LOL WOW, i guess thats a rite of passage in the hood! Yeah, Frank know exactly whats ya is talkin’ ’bout! 🙂

  11. Hey guys,

    What does the word ‘bunts’ mean….

    For example – If my girlfriend went away for a week for work and accidently sent me an email while away that was meant to go to her best friend saying the words

    “The “bunts” are awesome here ;)”

    Hell, I don’t know what this means!

    Your insight would be great.
    Cheers,
    Max.

    1. Hey Max. I don’t see what that has to do with you getting dumped after sex, but here in America, a “bunt” is a very short hit when you’re playing baseball. You tap the ball with the bat and attempt to outrun the throw to first or advance your runners.

      Other than that, no idea. Good Luck that it doesn’t mean “Replacements for Max”! 😀

  12. “The “bunts” are awesome here ;)”

    Hmmmmm…

    Follow me closely here. If your lady is somewhere that may lend itself to a singles eating frenzy that “bunt” you are inquiring about is pretty simple to explain. If a guy has decided that she is attractive and under serious consideration for that nights hook up, game on. He will probably go up to her with a few friends (2 at least, 3 to make sure) and lay down an opening line that is soft enough to get her attention but not enough to turn her off, a bunt. Depending on her interest he will hustle down the line and hope to reach first base. Depending on how well that went, he might try to steal second base on his own therefore preserving his number 2, 3 and four hitters. Now safely at second base, his number 2 hitter steps up to the plate and attempts to sacrifice this guy over to third. This will happen because the number 2 will chat her up just enough about the first player to get her interest level even higher without himself getting to first. This is what is routinely called a sacrifice but it might fail if he makes it obvious. Assuming he is still safely at second base, he needs his number 3 hitter to either smash a double into the outfield letting him score all the way from there or at the very least, get him over to third base. Either he scores or the clean up hitter, the number 4, comes up with the sole intent of pushing that run home. He will either hit the home run or make the 3rd out of the inning stranding the lead off dude at second/third. If he completes his objective in allowing his man to score from 2nd or 3rd, depending on the outcome of this game, YOUR lady may decide to schedule an exhibition double header. This would be the one where he gets to display all his skills with out having help from any other players. If she feels the pleasure to let him score more often…

    Well, you may get one more session with her upon her return right before you have to start wondering (this one is for you Bill) “Why you got dumped after s-x”! J

    Having said all that, there are two other scenarios that merit consideration. 1) She is a FEMALE. That accidental email you got may very well have been meant for you as some kind of test. Will he tell me? Will he keep it to himself? If he doesn’t tell me, will he stay quiet or will he start looking for more information? Which ever route you take tread lightly! 2) She could just be a bad speller. Maybe, just maybe, the BUNDT cakes there are slamming!!! lol

    Anyway, unless this happened just now, im assuming she is back and the reality is that NONE of us (you included) will ever know what a bunt represents. Store it for future reference and in a group one day say “a friend of mine said bunt but i dont know what that means”, just look around and wait for an answer.

      1. See, what’s so funny here is that Frank knows what time it is. Frank is from the trenches of “getting girls”. Frank says all the stuff that I *WOULD* be saying if I thought anybody out there would understand it. I happen to know that 99% of y’all DON’T understand it, so I report the situations in what I consider to be a palatable fashion.

        I’m still told that my blogs are cynical when, in fact, I’m only reporting the truth of what happens to some people in some relationships. That doesn’t mean that everyone’s relationship is going to go in that direction, but I’m offering an alternate view and potential understanding of your situation from the perspective of someone who’s “been there, done that”.

        If I say somewhere that a chick probably got dumped because she let herself get out of shape and the dude didn’t want to hit it anymore, she thinks it’s shallow and unrealistic and ridiculous and that I’m just trying to make her feel poorly about her current state of disrepair. In fact, I’m trying to let her know what she can do to keep her man interested in her instead of the next woman. If she thinks she’s going to TALK her way around her new pot belly, she’s sadly mistaken.

        If I thought people understood reality, my blogs would be much shorter:

        You look wack.
        He’s not interested.
        Shape Up or Ship Out.

  13. So I’m reading all these things and have to say…. is best to trust your gut. Here is my situation they are all similar and yet I still feel the need to express cause even though some things are better left unexplained… this puzzle is a little pain in my brain !!

    So this guy and I are neighbors and we have been friends for a little over a year. We would kick it, go see a movie, hang out for hours drinking at either one of our houses. We literally can spit on each other over the fence. Been friends through our previous relationships. One night we are kicking it and he kisses me, out of the blue. It was off the hook and once he kissed me … he couldn’t stop! We don’t have sex we both agreed that sex messes things up and since we live next door to each other … we don’t want to mess shyt up! We talked about how we don’t want relationships right now, both of our careers are taking off and we don’t have alot of time to invest in what is required of each other when you step over the threshold of being friends to being in a relationship. BOTH agreed… friends with benifits………… so its great.. hot and heavy and out of control.. he spent several nights in a row hanging over, sleeping over and still no sex btw! I want to… he wants to… but we just don’t. Finally after a few weeks of just make out sessions and bs’ing and sleep overs, we get it on… it was alright… nothing to write home to mom about… lol But that doesn’t matter cause we were tore up and always go time #2 to make it up ….

    Never happens. He still came over for about another 2 weeks, kissed me every time, but no sex. Would sleep over just cuddling and he always talked in his sleep. One time saying thank you! I said “what for” he said “you’re so good to me” Maybe he didn’t like hearing that he talked in his sleep. We were always very honest with each other.

    Then he stopped coming over, or when he would, he’d only stay for a little bit and then leave without even a peck on the cheek. Obviously it started getting confusing, how do you go from hot and heavy to nothing in a matter of 24 hours. We even went out with his married brother together… so wtf like all the signs are there… granted I like him, and of course I’d date him. But right now we are just having fun!!! or so i thought….

    I know he isnt seeing any one else… and we still talk from time to time, and I have invited him over………… I’m thinking personally if you go to a movie with a cute girl … and when its over you go home. You give her a hug and she says… “So are you ever going to kiss me again?” and he replies with “I don’t know, why?” it prolly means no and to move on….

    Us always being honest…. well at least me being honest cause there is no other way to be.. “this is me mentality” I sensed him being stand-offish… so i confronted him, asked what happened, and let him know I do like you, I’m not trying to bug you, but wtf happened. I get a “nothing happened, I don’t want you to be attached, we go back and forth. Simply put I told him “we are friends with benifits… so where are the benifits???? I mean unless he got attached and scared and had to cool everything off instantly I just don’t get it!!! And frankly I prolly never will cause all you guys can do is give me advice…..

    Hell I even did the ok he is being cold shoulder.. so leave him alone.. so i left him alone………. didn’t call, gave him space… barely spoke to him. Remember we live next door to each other…. kinda hard to do at times… and still he’s being a tard!

    any advice????

    1. Sh***************t! This dude doesn’t know a good thing when he’s got it!
      Chy, I’m going with this one, “I mean unless he got attached and scared and had to cool everything off instantly…!!!” – If you got a tattoo on your butt that said, “No strings attached!” it wouldn’t be any clearer so it can’t be you. Since you’ve known him a bit, how did his last relationship end??

      1. Hey Chy. 🙂 I’m going to select a different line from your comment:

        Finally after a few weeks of just make out sessions and bs’ing and sleep overs, we get it on… it was alright… nothing to write home to mom about… lol But that doesn’t matter cause we were tore up and always go time #2 to make it up ….

        Actually, that’s not necessarily true, unfortunately… 😀

        The saying goes “You never get a second chance to make a *FIRST* impression”. The fact of the matter is, messing around is one thing and actually getting down to the nitty-gritty is a completely different animal.

        I’m going to guess from what you wrote that he didn’t like the sex and just plain doesn’t want any more of it from you. That doesn’t mean you were wack… Just that it’s possible that y’all aren’t sexually compatible. Actually, in thinking about this, you’ve brought something up to me that should be an entirely new post. 🙂

        Sometimes, (probably MANY times), the fantasy’s better than the reality. It’s like you FEEL LIKE you want to tap this chick, but then when you actually do it, you’re like “meh”. The ‘problem’ is you don’t know until you try it. There could be lots of reasons for this… You don’t like chicks to talk during sex, and she’s running her mouth, trying to emulate a porno. You like chicks to talk during sex, but she’s completely quiet, except for a few gasps now and then. You like chicks to move and she doesn’t. You like chicks to stay still and she moves. It’s too loose. You didn’t find out until you got her undressed that you don’t like her ass. She doesn’t have any rhythm and she’s throwing your stokes off….

        Then again, it could be HIM and not YOU. He feels underconfident, actually having sex with you instead of making out. He doesn’t like the position y’all did it in. He realized that he really only wants to have sex with his ex when he finally hooked up with you… Could be anything.

        The problem is.. Guys tend to underestimate how important their desire to screw some chick is to their ability to be friends with them. There’s a WORLD of difference between a chick that you’re like “I can take it or leave it” when you think about having sex with her and a chick that you’re like “I’m DEFINITELY trying to NEVER hit that again, EVAR!”. A lot of guys THINK it’s the same thing, but it isn’t. You basically avoid being alone with her so you don’t have to deal with her coming on to you.

        That’s what it sounds like to me. He doesn’t want to hook up with you again and he doesn’t want to seem like a weirdo for saying so.

        Thanks for the comment, and Good Luck! 😀

        1. I found this post as I was crying over a guy who I liked so much, but didn’t call me back after sex. I liked him so much, and I could tell he was into me, even saw me as “out of his league”. The obvious reason for not calling is that the sex was DISASTEROUS, but still I took it very personally that he didn’t want to give it another go, considering it was HIS machinery that wasn’t functioning.

          I guess this is a big difference between men and women: we’re real patient with your physical failings if we think that you are substantial/compatible outside the bedroom. The morning after I was thinking “well, that kind of sucked, but I like him, I have skills, I can work with it…” For him, it was like a light switch: How can I make sure I will NEVER be in that situation again.

          1. Hi Rose. 🙂 Thanks for the comment/question. Sorry that happened to you.

            The problem is that you have to rely on HIS interpretation of why “his machinery wasn’t functioning”. There are lots of mental reasons that might have happened, which he SHOULD attribute to himself, but you never know. There are also physical reasons that he could/should have attributed to himself.

            The problem for YOU is if he feels like your body isn’t his type or there’s something else physical about you that he doesn’t like. If that’s the case, it’s a WRizAP! Y’all can be friends and whatnot, but there’s no point in kickin’ it to a chick you don’t want to screw. None. \o/

            You’re absolutely right that it’s a MAJOR difference between men and women. Guys kick it to chicks they want to have sex with and figure out how to make that happen. Gals kick it to guys they think are cute or funny or (for gold diggers) rich or whatever and whether y’all get laid or not is way way way way way way WAY in the back of y’all’s minds compared to other aspects of who the guy is as a person.

            I can’t really explain how it feels when you figure out that you’re not physically interested in a particular chick. It’s similar to that light switch that you mention, but it’s kind of confusing also haha 😀 I guess I would say it would be similar to being drunk and then suddenly sober… Nope, that doesn’t even do it.

            Maybe it’s like when everyone you know in your area votes for a candidate and you’re sure that your person’s going to win and you’re all at the party with the straw hats and streamers and noisemakers and then you turn on the television and they announce that the other person won. You’re still standing there with the outfit and the “Happy Times” streamers and balloons, but not only isn’t there anything to be happy about, you’re suddenly confused as far as why in the hell you thought your candidate was going to win, OR you’re confused about how the other person stole the election, because you were SURE you were going to win.

            Another unfortunate possibility is that he knows it’s HIS problem, but he takes it out on you or is embarrassed to have that happen again, so he’s like “I have to make sure I don’t hook up with this chick ever again! :O”.

            Actually, the bright side to this is that he didn’t get to hit it. If he HAD and *THEN* he didn’t like the sex, that’s game over. Frlz.

            Unfortunately, you can’t be *sure* you’ll never be in this situation again because unbeknownst to females, a guy becoming and remaining aroused is actually a rather complex issue. He might be ready to tap that and then y’all run into your pops who indicates there’s gonna be a problem if he hooks up with you and that might be all she wrote for his joint. 😀

            hahaha Play the “Pac-Man Just Got Caught By The Ghosts” sound.. It’s a WRAP!!! 😀

            1. You’ve mentioned lots of things in this post that can put a guy off for good. What about the woman being too aggressive? I always thought that liking sex and my body was a good thing. Wouldn’t it take the pressure OFF for a woman to be willing / able to get him off and herself off? but at some point during the evening he said to me: “Is this all you want me for??” I didn’t say anything because I was just thinking “um, no… but if I do want you for this, would that be a problem?”

              1. First of all.. Like I mentioned in my previous response, if he’s embarrassed that he couldn’t/wouldn’t hit it or he just doesn’t like your body type or something physical about you, he’s going to AVOID having sex with you at all costs.

                I can see him saying a line like that to you in an effort to get you to do something else with him other than mess around because he can’t see himself doing it, for whatever reason.

                In general, however, a woman with a sex drive greater than his is basically a guy’s DREAM! 😀 It can backfire on you if he feels like you give it up to everybody, but if he feels it’s focused on him, that’s rather motivational & exciting.

                This is actually a really good question/point because there are women that are aggressive like men to the point where you feel like they just want to cum regardless of the surrounding situation. It’s like sex with you is meaningless.. It could be anybody… It could be NOBODY, just her and her vibrator and that would be cool too. 😀 That’s not a very motivational demeanor. Guys that feel the same way will get with the program. Guys that are trying to share an experience with her are going to hand her her vibrator and walk away because there’s no experience to be shared.

                So, unfortunately, female aggression is one of those parameters that’s going to be a hit or miss depending on what the guy wants from his sexual experiences. If a guy wants to be the conqueror and she’s like “Let’s go do this! >:D”, he might not be very interested. You can’t “take” sex from a girl that’s dying to give it to you. \o/

                OTOH, if he wants her to be sweating/jocking him and she’s sitting there like “Meh :/” about him coming on to her and trying to turn her on, that’s not going to work for him either. He’s trying to work her up into a state where he feels like SHE really wants “it” or wants him or whatever his goal is. In that case, the more aggression, the better.

    2. BillC, u took the wordz/opinon out my mouf’! Without going into a lengthly overworded thought, I’ll just ask a simple question: Considering YOU said it was nothing to write home about, do u think he just thought that as well? Not to imply your skills need any fine tuning but maybe it just dont work for the 2 of you!! Cold coffee is deee`lish… Hot coffee is off da’ hook on a cold day… Warm coffee? Well that sucks regardless of the flavor or robust promiseimplied by the brewing it self!

  14. This is rediculous! You seem to have turned an interaction between man and woman into a d*** and p**** game, with the old boring and dumb double standard. You guys need to grow up. When you yourselves have turned into mature men who understand what a woman is (all this is just evidence that you are terrified of women, all this silly language, like it’s out of a rap song, you’re terrified of losing your power as a man once you become vulnerable to a woman, so you degrade her and the part of her body that is distinctly female and that has the power to connect with you and to produce life) then you will meet real women. Sex is nothing in itself: it is a symbol. Of couse, it can be a rush, but you don’t need a relationship for that, you probably don’t even need another person for that. Although the original post on this website has very good advice, it shows that the person who wrote it himself needs to do some work, and I’m sorry to see that other men are talking like this. It’s silly and rediculous. With this kind of attitude, you guys are only going to meet girls who unfortunately see themselves as either sex objects or seductresses and nothing more.

  15. Good Morning, Lucine, and thank you for the comments. 🙂

    To some people, the interaction between a man and woman *IS* a D&P game and I don’t have to actually reduce anything to anything. In case this is the first article of mine you’ve read, my goal is to show the reality of what SOME guys think. Sometimes, what MANY guys think. The point being that for women not to have this information puts y’all at a distinct disadvantage.

    I thought I’d try to do my part for women, since men already know this. Men already know we’re lying about stuff to get women to lay down. Men already know to feign relationships and make fake declarations of love and longevity (in the relationship AND in the bedroom, hahahaha) to get women to do what they otherwise wouldn’t have done unless as FishingRod says, he loved her and she loved him. Ok. Fine. I love you. Let’s do this. *yawn*… That’s how easy it is to trick women, lots of guys know it, lots of guys use it. It’s a daily operation.

    Should you be mad about that? Yes you should. 😀 Is it *my* fault? Nope. 🙂 I didn’t make this stuff up. Back in the day, when cavemen were clubbing chicks over the head and dragging them back to the cave for sex (I wonder who made THAT ONE up? haha) they had tactics and techniques to get around women’s resistance to giving it up. One of those was “I hunted and I have meat from the animal I killed, so if you don’t want to STARVE, come get with this”. Very simple. Another one was “Look at my superior genes! 😀 If you want your kids to look like me and be smart and strong… come get with THIS!”. It’s a daily operation. You SHOULD be mad about it, but trying to tell me how to live my life or how to think about or interact with women isn’t going to solve YOUR PROBLEM for you.

    Also, I didn’t create the double-standard. Is it fair? no. Women get used for sex every day. Women have to deal with catcalling, periods and bearing children and men don’t. Life isn’t fair.

    As far as “what a woman is”, YOU don’t get to determine that for me. You also don’t get to determine when you feel that I’ve “grown up” or “matured”. The fact is that lots of guys think exactly the same way I do, except… wait for it….. THEY. DON’T. TELL. YOU. ABOUT. IT. Capisce? 😀 Nobody’s going to admit to you they want you to lay down, because it’s counter-productive. They’re going to tell you about your eyes and how you carry yourself as a woman blah blah blah while they’re checking out your ass and thinking about sex. Not *all* guys, but lots of them, and you’ll NEVER be the wiser, because it’s not in ANYONE’S best interest to tell you so.

    Of course, this assumes you’re attractive. If you’re not, you don’t actually have to worry about that.

    Interesting line about “terrified of losing your power as a man once you become vulnerable to a woman”. I’m vulnerable to women every single day! 😀 I don’t have any power over them and I don’t need any power over them. This is NEW. YORK. CITY! There are like 4 MILLION chicks here. What am I supposed to be? The Pied Piper? hahaha I don’t have ANY power over women at all, so if you’d care to elaborate, I’d love to listen to your ideas and respond.

    Also, I’m not degrading women… I’m telling y’all how y’all can become RESPECTED instead of getting used, as usual. Demonstrate Personality. That’s the only thing that’s going to separate you from the next gal. Sex isn’t going to do it. Cooking and cleaning isn’t going to do it. If you want to be seen as a CUAO, like that book “The Rules” says, you have to show a guy why you’re better than the next gal and he should set up camp with you and make a run at a LTR. Degrading women would be saying “This is all I think you’re worth”. I’m saying “Here’s how to make yourselves WORTH SOMETHING other than sexual interaction so that you DON’T get dumped after he gets what he came after you for”.

    Also, unfortunately for you, my attitude doesn’t dictate JACK about what kinds of girls I meet. Come see my 1500 Facebook friends, over half of which are women. I actually know women around the entire GLOBE. Hawaii, England, France, Czech Republic, Germany, one friend of mine is visiting Singapore right now and another is visiting Russia. It’s a fascinating misconception that women have that anything I say on a blog affects my ability to show a woman a good time in person. It’s fascinating and it’s incorrect.

    So, yes. Thank you for the comments, Lucine. There are guys that only talk to women to get sex from them. There are guys that dump women after they got what they want. C’est La Vie. Good Luck!!! 😀

  16. “You guys need to grow up. When you yourselves have turned into mature men who understand what a woman is… I’m sorry to see that other men are talking like this.”
    Why is it (some/most?) women never make an effort to understand guys as guys? Is this part of that whole, I’m gonna’ change him, thing?
    Had this conversation with a married friend of mine about this just a few weeks ago. She was put out that a good male friend had switched from treating her as an object (my words) to treating her like another guy. He took her behind the curtain when he was discussing his potential mates in front of her. I had to explain that the dude was really comfortable around her and wasn’t treating her as another woman on his radar. Yes, she was Out Of Play. Man, If I’d had a camera to catch the look on her face! I then explained how you can’t have it both ways, he can’t be all deferential and doing the other chivalrous ego props women have been trained to expect from “nice guys” if he’s gonna’ be real with you. Not to say he isn’t a polite, well spoken dude, because he actually is! The thing that set this all off for her was when he was discussing his dates he would lead off with what she looked like. HWHAT!?!?!? In this day and age, well I never!

    WE ARE NOT WOMEN

    Lots of women need to recognize that dealing with a man is not the same as dealing with your fellow woman. That’s how you get into trouble! That’s like if I was swimming in shark infested waters, I got bit and I blamed the shark! I’m just saying you can’t blame a man for acting like a man. You can’t just say, ‘you should be better than that!’ or something. Better than what? I’m not even sure what better would mean, more ruthless and efficient in how we deal with women or more womanly so women could understand us without having to try. How the hell is that fair?

  17. Women try to use the “grow up” trick to try to stop guys from doing what they want to do. The fact of the matter is that there isn’t ONE format of adult males. There are guys that want one girl, guys that want as many as they can get their hands on simultaneously, and guys that can’t be bothered with women at all other than soliciting prostitution. Some guys don’t want to hear what women have to say AT. ALL. and they’re “not paying them for sex, they’re paying them to go away afterwards”.

    The concept of a guy not being mature because he sees women as sex objects doesn’t hold any water at all.

    Interesting how your friend was married, yet still wanted to be treated like she was “on the market”. The funny thing about that is that she was finally allowed into the inner sanctum and then when she got there, she didn’t enjoy it. I think in general, women don’t realize that men relate to them totally differently and speak to them totally differently and speak differently when they’re around. This would account for your friend’s disliking being treated like one of the fellaz.

    This is something I’ve tried to explain to female friends of mine when we’re discussing this stuff over brews. If you’re in the inner circle, you’re going to hear how it really is. I’m going to talk to you about chicks the same way I’d talk to a guy about chicks. However, don’t mistake how I’m talking TO YOU for how I would talk to a chick I was trying to lay.

    It’s also funny how many women think I’m joking when I post stuff. I get to hear stuff like “I can’t believe anyone still thinks that in 2009”. The game hasn’t changed and never will. The styles change. What’s politically correct changes. The fact remains that guys want to get laid and are going to achieve that by any means necessary.

    People used to be able to smoke indoors. Someone changed that law. Now, people have to go outside to smoke. If someone smokes indoors, they’re seen as uncivilized by people that believe in the “you shouldn’t smoke indoors” rules. However, if it weren’t against the law, a lot of people would still smoke indoors. It might SEEM like people agree because nobody says anything to the contrary. Similarly, it might SEEM to women that guys aren’t coming after them for sex anymore. \o/

    Putting their blinders on makes them easier to hook up with, not harder. Getting upset at guys for wanting what they want is an exercise in futility and the only guys that will agree with them aren’t trying to hook up with them anyway.

  18. Thanks steve!! As for ME… I think i have matured enough that I can look back and say “I saw that chick across the street and said blahblahblah and the got the drop panties effect” How is that maturing?? Well I have read some of the postings on here and have used my experience as a “observer” and an “active participant” to hopefully reach some one who might be in an iffy situation. My comments have been the kind that clearly illustrate the concept behind if it looks like a duck, walks like duck, then yes ladies-assume he is a vulture! As for the power and fear of losing it… I have no power! I cant get in yours if you dont go on this date with me to begin with. The only time a lady has felt like i was overpowering her has been when she was begging me to stop. Pease no more. I cant take it. you gotta stop making me LAUGH! Yes my sense of humor and my personality is the only “power” i bring to the table. And yes I fear losing that because someone is judgemental or just a sour pus. Im not going to “make” u do anything you dont want but if you happen to fall out your undies while hysterically laughing… Hey I got a joke!
    Who gets to decide if Im amature individual or not? Dont know and Dont Care!
    I have a 10month old daughter at home and if in 17 yrs she sat down with any of the above men and learned to survive this game…I wouldnt object. id rather Bill C or Steve school her on the finer points than have them get all “girly” and say “oh hes cute, you just over reacting”! which BTW many females hear from their female friends right before we all ponder the question “why you got dumped after sex”! 🙂

  19. “The point is that you want HIM to feel like YOU are making an EDUCATED decision to have sex with him.”

    Dear Bill

    Just stumbled upon your post and you are Brilliant, wish I came across your post 3 weeks ago but that’s another story.

    Above you mention that I have to make HIM feel like I am making an Educated decision to have sex with him.

    What indicators do I give a male to make him feel like I have made an educated decision, do I tell him straight out, do I leave obvious hints, what I’m trying to say is, what are the best indicators to do so without seeming so overly forward.

    Please indulge me- I am simple girl, newly single, just started dating outside of an 8 year failed relationship and need all the help I can get. Not use to dating at all and frankly- it F*cking sucks.

    I never thought there’d be so many things to think about- it’s doing my head in! But your advice is very useful! Thank you very much for your words of wisdom.

    Please help me!

    1. Thanks for the compliments and the question, Lucy. 🙂

      This is a very interesting question.. “What makes a gal appear to be making an educated decision to hook up?”…

      I think it’s easier for me to speak to what makes a gal look like she’s NOT making an educated decision.

      If you’re not interested and then you get drunk and then you ARE interested, that’s points AGAINST you. A lot of women think that’s points FOR them because they can say that they only hooked up because they were drunk. This actually indicates to guys that anybody that gets the same chick drunk can get on with no problem.

      If you’re not interested and then a guy buys you something and you give it up, that’s points AGAINST you.

      Pretty much, anything that makes it look like your mind was easily changed by something simple a guy did makes you look easy, so your goal is to come into the situation knowing what you want and sticking to your guns.

      In the context of this post, my point was that if guys can’t figure out WHY you hooked up with them, they’re likely to assume that you would have hooked up with anybody that you liked at that particular time. A friend of mine is like that, completely to her CREDIT.. As soon as she sees a guy she’s physically inspired to hook up with, she’s on the case. The way she carries herself is congruent the entire time. There’s no “I’m not interested, WHOOPS, now I’m interested”.

      I guess my overall point is that a lot of gals play the game like they’re not interested in sex at all, which makes it so that the guys have to do all the work. The demeanor of “I’m definitely willing to have sex with someone that I’ve determined is worth it” is much more respectable than when chicks have to be tricked into giving it up.

      When that happens, it becomes formula. I get her drunk and she gives it up. I take her shopping and she gives it up. I give her money and she gives it up. I call her beautiful and she gives it up. *yawn* There’s no reason that a guy would be interested in keeping a chick like this because he can apply the same skillz to any other chick and get the same results.

      OTOH, If a gal presents herself as an adult Human Being who knows what she wants and doesn’t want and is interested in doing what she likes to do with guys that she determines have the qualities she’s looking for, the situation is mutual as opposed to predator -> prey.

      The zebra doesn’t have any choice as far as whether the lion eats it or not. The zebra is essentially walking food. No respect is warranted or given. Your goal is to not appear as prey waiting to be taken by any guy that knows the right tricks.

      Also.. In your particular case, you don’t want to mention that you’re on the rebound from an 8-year relationship. Guys are going to read that as Desperate and run all over you. They’re going to assume that you want to be back in the next relationship, ASAP and feed you that game in order to get you to give it up on the premise that you’re proving to them why they should go out with you for the next eight years.

      That’s not a powerful or respectable position. You’re single now. Leave it at that. If you have kids, you have them. Present yourself as a currently perfectly-functioning woman who’s looking to add companionship and/or sex to her life and make sure that guys know that you’re as involved in the decision-making process as they are.. if not more so. 😉

  20. OH MAN DUDE I am definitely giving myself a damn pat on the back for finding your site! Shits off the chain! I am a pretty feminine female, so easy on the eyes and I got my shit on point…but I made the mistake of fallin for one dude, and got playyyed like a drunk skunk! I mean we’re still friends ya know…cuz he is still coo pplz and I got more out of him intellectually then he did from me. BUT the part where you said “Another reason is that when the guy finally got it, he detested the sex. She talks too much, she talks too little, she talks about the wrong things, she sounds like a porno, she sounds like nothing’s going on, he doesn’t like how her body feels, he doesn’t like the fit, she’s not sensual when she does things to him…..For some reason, women seem to believe that sex is good by definition… Like, because sexual contact was achieved, that means it was GOOD sex. Far from true, haha :)”

    Makes so much sense…I mean we connected so well mentally, it was amazing but every time we TRIED having sex it wasnt special or there was nothing there, BUT dude, LMAO the second time we tried he said I talk too much, lol..then he said he doesnt even want to try anymore and that it was too much pressure to have sex with me. Wowzers!

    Anyways….so that was history, now my game with men is slightly on point but will be on point very soon thanks to you Bill!

    I am seeing this new dude that I am physically attracted too, some what interested in mentally…I am go getter and he is laid back so I mean I am not super interested in having a LTR with him BUT homie is pretty fine and our connection physically is off the chain, even though we havent gone the full mile, I can just tell from the minor shit we do he is an awesome lover. But after the last dude I am not ready to even be sexually active with someone again.

    How do I subscribe or get a member login to your site? I suppose I will just add you on facebook!

    Appreciate the STREET GAME knowledge wish I knew about this when I was younger.

    1. Thanks so much for the props, Elle! hahaha 😀

      I’m adding a text box in the sidebar for email subscriptions, but you can click this link to subscribe via email http://feedburner.google.com/fb/a/mailverify?uri=billcammack&loc=en_US or if you use an RSS reader, you can click here feed://feeds.feedburner.com/billcammack or copy that URL into your feed reader.

      Here’s the thing as far as the “Talks Too Much”, haha 🙂 .. The media would like everyone to believe that everyone wants to **** porno chicks, but in fact, if you look at Tiger Woods’ girlfriends, there are more ‘regular’ chicks than paid professionals. Unfortunately, a lot of chicks fall for the Okey-Doke and believe that all guys want to hear them running their mouths during sex, talkin’ ’bout “AIIII PAPI!!! :O” and “Oh God!!!” and “Can I cum, Master?” and all this other bullshit that some director that doesn’t even have the skill to be hired for a real movie told the chicks to say because of his own personal fantasies based on his own lack of actual sexual interaction with unpaid females.

      So what happens is that dude’s trying to enjoy himself, but he’s thinking “I wish this **** would shut the **** up so I can enjoy this! :/”. Unfortunately, it’s a shot in the dark whether two people are sexually compatible. If there are issues, they can be discussed and circumvented or they can’t. \o/ There’s no way for either of you to know what the other one’s into unless you ask each other.

      Now that you mention “Street Game”, I need to do some more episodes of my audio podcast series with Frank. It’s been way too long, and I have some stuff I want to riff about…

  21. Ok I did the unthinkable…I held out and it was because I was thinking if I did he would respect me and then I would want it like he wanted it. He went down on me several times and we had a few make out session in the course of a month after meeting. I knew what he wanted he was hot and cold. I have come across so neurotic clingy and crazy because I’m still raw from an old ass break up that never really got closure. Neeedless to say I sensed he was losing interest so I told myself I could have casual sex and blah blah I’d still feel ok. Well I did it and it was horrible couldnt stay wet didn’t let him do his thing right kept stopping him ect. I am so much better than that in bed. So of course after he hit he quit. Got drunk a few days later and textd him to come over and he agreed but bailed on me without explantion. I called left some bitter message about penis size (shutters)! I’m so embarassed i want to forget I ever met him and erase this whole fiasco, I’m still not ready to date again it’s been 10 months since my ex wtf Im so picky! I’m one of the few chics who actually needs an emotional connection to enjoy it. Never met a dude I just want to F initally. If he gets in contact tomorrow way to handle it. I behaved so badly I can’t blame him. I did’t make him prove himself just let some time go by. I want to avoid any further embarassment! Tell me what I prob already kno….
    p.s. i’m pretty cute face nice bod. so donnt think im so ugh fugly chic guys approach just come on so strong plus been on dates just nothing i kept goin this long. i dont get out enough he was soo sweet intially

    1. Hey Danielle. 🙂

      It’s really tough for women, because as reader “Sophia” pointed out, “Dating for women is based on hope since what we want has to be sustained over time (relationship) vs. you guys getting what you want very quickly (sex). You can be more pragmatic immediately because yours is not a waiting game.”

      That’s entirely spot on. If you don’t feel like hooking up right now, some other chick will, and that’s the bottom line for most of us. We’re not looking for YOU. We’re looking for an experience, a feeling, an interaction. You have that for us or you don’t.

      In general, there is no “Saving the relationship by giving it up”. By the time you feel the need to save something, dude’s probably already on his way out the door and he’ll take whatever you give him as a parting gift.

      It seems to me that your conflict is between the person that you actually are and the person that guys are willing to keep interacting with. In general, it’s best to stick with who you really are and let the relationships come and go. That situation you wrote about is a prime example of that. I’ve never actually asked, but I don’t think I know any guys that would **** a chick again after some old stop, start, stop, start, stop ish. It doesn’t work like that. You’re blowing the mood. I realize that you were doing what was necessary for you, and that’s what you should have done, but dudes are gonna be like “That ***** is CRAZY! :/” and you’ll be more trouble than you’re worth.

      For that, they could have handled the business themselves without you keeping interrupting, Nah Meen?

      If you really need that connection, wait for the connection. It’s clear that your body doesn’t want to cooperate when you elect to freestyle sex, so fuhgeddabouddit. Let it go. Focus on what you feel you need. Connection first, hookups later.. If ever.

      As far as that dude, you might have to call some pre-planned platonic get-togethers with him at this point because he might be STRIVING to avoid any situation where it might turn into a physical thing with you because he doesn’t want to tell you to your face “Nah.. Keep that ish to yourself”. If you’re gonna keep talking to him, work on that connection you need and leave the physicality out until you feel like you can go with the flow.

  22. Thanks Bill this little blog is cool…glad I found this thread. I already knew all these things it just feels good sometimes to have someone non-judgemental confirm it. I feel like I have to prove I’m good in bed. Some little thing gnawing at me wants to freak this geek, blow his little mind like I kno I can. I’m a scorpio we like control and I hate the power he has. Guys never approach me outside a club. And I dont like clubbing that much. They always say I’m too pretty prob hav a b/f and look high maintainence. How can I break the ice in public wihout looking so slutty or make myself more approachable. I try to smile alot already! You mentioned making yourself unique before to him before sex how do you do tht?

    1. That’s an interesting problem, Danielle.. Getting fewer raps because you’re too attractive. A few of my friends have voiced the same opinions.

      If a chick’s too hawt, she’s too much work. You have too many guys coming after her offering her too much stuff to screw her and your life becomes a big game of defense / keeping up with the Joneses. Lots of guys are content to kick it to gals that turn them on, are friendly, personable and appreciative of the time you spend with them and aren’t in such high demand that you have to constantly change up your roster because they keep going off the market.

      I’d suggest you listen to “Meeting Men Without Looking Easy” from my Street Game series with Frank that I need to resume THIS WEEK now that I think about it.

    1. After 15 yrs of marriage and 3 yrs of (celibate) separation I move out of state to make a new start.
      I messaged a man that I knew of thru a family member. I was told he was a safe, kind, thoughtful person. So I thought what the heck I do not know anyone here.

      I message him, found out he was involved with someone that lied and said she was divorcing her husband (have her cake and eat it to)I told him about what was going on with me, you know, just friendly conversation.
      We talk some on the phone (he lived over 3hrs away)he was going to be playing close to where I lived and invited me and my cousin to come see him.
      He took us out for dinner we caught the show, hugged good night, he told us to call when we got home so he would know we made it safe.

      The next day he starts chatting online with my cousin,(she later told me all he wanted to talk about was me) I felt a twinge of jealousy when I found out he was chatting with her but I scolded myself for feeling that way.
      See when I first met him I thought he was attractive but there wasn’t this “click” and I knew he had feelings for someone else.

      Another month goes by we are still messaging daily sometime twice. He calls, we laugh everything was going great and I sort of knew I was getting attached.
      One night we are bored and start an online chat one thing leads to another and it turns to sexual banter. He tells me that he is a giver and he really enjoys giving oral “LOTS” I tell him my husband refused to do that.
      He talks about giving a mean back massage, I ask about feet, he replies oh yes, then I write (of course I’m playing) “I Love You” he writes LOL!
      Then he asks hows your friend doing (vibrator) I said it died had to get another one LOL!
      So this went on for awhile then I wrote Meet you in 5!! as a joke.
      He writes back “I don’t know how to ask… What are the chances…Of the two us getting together sometime? He said he was a little hesitant to ask knowing how it’s not my style to get with someone I do not have a commitment with.
      That took me by surprise I was shocked, flattered, confused,and scared all at the same time. (my cousin said I looked like someone slapped me)I said right now pretty good but I’m a little scared.
      He invites me down closer to him and said he will get me a room, no strings, show me around town, take in a movie and dinner. I told him I would need to think about it.

      The weather for the next month was not cooperating but the following month I had a job interview and got my own room. We met up for dinner, movie, stopped by to visit a friend of his. He takes me back to my room and checks on him mom (she lives with him) for the night tells her he will be home (he lives over and hr away) we talk some, then I told him he can stay I have an extra bed. Hoping he would and he did, he called his mom and told her he was staying overnight.
      We were at it all night long, after round 6 I said I have to be up early for my job interview.
      The next morning I get up get dressed take my suitcase and leave him in bed to sleep.
      On my cell phone he leave a message that I forgot my socks he has them in his bag and I left in such a haste he didn’t even get a peck on the cheek or nothing, he hopes the weather didn’t hold me up and I made it home ok.

      We continue our usual messaging and calling thing, he calls just checking to see how my day was going. I get the job move to the capital he meets me at my new apt with a stereo hooks it up, we go to dinner, back to my apt and to bed for 2 rounds, go out to see he friends play at a club, home to my apt. next morning I cook breakfast we kiss goodbye. Continue our usual messaging.

      The next week I meet him in a bar to watch him play. While he is playing two men bought me drinks (I’m a tea-totaller)the drinks hit me hard. When he broke, I had a group of both men and women around me. I showed him where one man wrote on a napkin to call him and we would have dinner.
      I thought it was funny (because no man has ever done that before) My friend looked at it and just gave it back, no comment. We kissed some, and one man asked if we were dating I said not really we ar just friends this man said you kiss all your friends like that? My response was well I guess we are friends with benefits.
      So after all this my friend didn’t go home with me (he said that wasn’t his plan to begin with) he did message that he would have loved to have one more my night with me but he had an early morning.
      I messaged him about what all took place while he played. He then asked if I thought one of the men were hitting on me, I said no I think he was just being nice.

      After that for the next 2 1/2 weeks he would hardly respond to my messages, and calls. Not like he use to almost instantly.

      So worried that something was wrong I tell him (trying to gage his affection for me) we should go back to the way things were before sex entered into the picture.
      I am enclosing his actual message response:
      No it is all good. There should not be anything between you and me that causes stress or uncomfortable feelings either. Sex isn’t that big of a deal…”did I just say that!” No seriously…you are a good person and I truly love your spirit. You don’t say anything you don’t mean and like you said…just shoot straight from the hip. It was a lot to ask you to have a “friends with benefits” relationship with me. With my background in relationships it was easy. But I know it isn’t your style and if it is OK with you then it is OK with me to just be good friends. Nothing will change other than…well you know.
      I’ve met someone here at home. In the past couple weeks we’ve talked about seeing each other exclusively and have made a decision to not see other people. Still just taking it very slow and relaxed. She is nice and what I like about her most is that she likes me to. I feel there is enough there that I would like to only see her and in time see what might develop.
      What does he mean She is nice and what I like about her most is that she likes me to???

      This woman is the sister in-law to the guitar player with his band. That I later found out they have been trying to fix him up with, he has known her for over a year.

      I call him and he tells me he told her “I have been seeing someone in Blah Blah but it’s not serious (can you believe he told me that)and when I asked him when was he planning on telling me he said they were waiting to see where it was going before they told anyone. And he said to me Your not “The One”, honey. (jerk)
      I asked if that is why he didn’t want to go home with me he relied no, I never planned on it I had and early call the next day.
      But he wants us to continue being close friends.
      So, after a week or more, I call him we talk laugh, I ask for my SOCKS! He laughed and said after all his back to back gigs in May he will have time to stop by in June we can go out to dinner. Another message (after I tell him about the dinner date napkin man I was getting ready to start seeing)he tells me that I should go and I’m a very smart woman with dark hair, blue eyes, and great tits!
      My thought was I bet your new exclusive girlfriend would not like to know you just said that and that you want to take me out for dinner.

      Week 4 I’m getting slowly over him but still desire him, not just sexually but as a companion.
      I had not messaged him in 4 days and then I saw something he would enjoy hearing, he sent me a LOL thanks I needed that especially today.
      We play phone tag then we finally talk, laugh, he then makes a comment I will have to tell mom when I see her “tomorrow” (my thought why did you just say that?) So later I ask him What are you doing tonight (I wasn’t hinting to get together he lives too far away) he said Oh me and GF are going to an oyster bar to see friends play, and don’t feel bad she doesn’t like oysters either. (like I gave a shit) So I mention “napkin man” and I can tell he didn’t like that. BUT LIKE AN IDIOT!! I start telling him how I don’t really like “napkin man” that I like him and I now he doesn’t like me that way. He said I like you, but you don’t have to beat yourself up over this. I said one of these days you are going to realize how F**king adorable I am and it will be too late. He sort of laughed.

      Now can anyone please give me some insight to what The Hell happened? Where did I go wrong?
      What do I need to do from here, leave him alone, not call or message him, but for how long?
      I really enjoyed our conversations up until he mentions “her”
      When I asked him twice was I mistaken when I thought for a moment he was starting to feel something more for me or was I just fooling myself? He will not respond, though he never held back telling me anything else that he knew would hurt me. This he will not answer.

      His band is coming to town in a couple of weeks and I was planning on going, that is until last night and my stupid mouth.

      Should I keep hoping that he may come back around, all the while continue to date others?
      He acts like he doesn’t care but when I mention other men I can tell he gets a little ticked.

      How do I make him see that he has made a mistake by giving up so easily?
      What are the steps that would work on you?

      I was really starting to love him and was thinking he was starting to feel the same.

      My ex-husband did this to me when I was 19. But he just cut off all communication and later I found out he was dating someone. Three month later he calls be back and the rest is history.
      Back then I didn’t care so much because we never were sexually intimate.
      I’m just afraid if I do the same with this guy he wont care 1. because he is 50 and had numerous gf in his past.
      2. out of sight out of mind.
      3. he has never been married or lived with anyone.

      Advice please other than what I’m already doing.
      Dating others and moving on.

      Are there steps I can take to win him back?

      Keep in mind I wasn’t sure of what our relationship was or were it was going. I have only been in one relationship right out of high school. I married my only boyfriend. So I was too afraid to show any affection outside of the bedroom. When we were in public I didn’t hold his hand we just walked together. I now believe he wanted more but he would not approach me.

      I remember some of our conversations where he would mentions past loves and how when they met they were really into him. When we has sex so was I. He even told me I was awesome, I responded back I’m sure I’m not the first you have said that to not will I be the last. But i can tell you You Are The Best I Have EVER Had, thanks you are now my best friend” I was still afraid to get too close for fear he didn’t want or feel the same.

      Is it too late? Should I just give up?
      Do I have a second chance? I would like one.
      I know I am starting to look like those desperate women I can’t stand, pathetic women.

      Layla
      This just happened in April.

      1. Hey Layla. Thanks for the question. 🙂

        I wouldn’t say that you did anything “wrong”, actually. The problem is that women are brainwashed into acting like they’re less interested in a guy than they really are. Y’all think it makes you look like you’re not a ho. What it actually does is put you lower on the totem pole than the next woman that’s “bout-it bout-it” when a guy offers her an opportunity.

        If I were to have a conversation with a chick ABOUT HER VIBRATOR and then, upon finding out that it was broken, offer to COME OVER AND HAVE SEX WITH HER and her reply to me was “I’ll Think About It”, I’d be like “**** that *****. Let her get off on her own”. Seriously.

        That’s not a knock on your personal style. I understand that you’re not too much into the dating game and that you most likely HONESTLY needed to think about it. All I’m saying is that that particular answer falls WAY BEHIND “I’d like that” or “I’m looking forward to it”.

        The overall problem here (and again, this isn’t a knock against you, it’s just an honest observation) is that since you were out of the game for 15 years and then didn’t hook up with a dude for another three, your game is similar to a High School female. It’s very simple. It’s not sophisticated. If dude is 50 years old, he’s had every single conversation that you had with him a thousand times already. His game is going to be way superior to yours.

        On top of that, both of you agreed that FWB isn’t your thing. Still, you elected to get involved with it. I think that was the right move because y’all shared some good times together. 🙂 However, again, you were stepping into an arena where you’re an absolute amateur compared to a guy that’s been kickin’ it with chicks for over a quarter century.

        A definite sticking point is Napkin Man. I understand why you would think that it was humorous that some guy offered you his number. I also understand why you would be flattered, since that had never happened to you before. I’m glad you were able to experience that. 🙂 However.. You don’t have any idea who your FWB told his friends that you are.

        If he told them that he was thinking about dating you exclusively and then you accepted a number from a dude, you made him look like a chump. Also, if he doesn’t respect the guy whose number you accepted, he might think you have poor taste in men and/or are “easy”.

        When I was with my ex, dudes used to give her numbers & business cards and she would give them to me. We both found it amusing that she was collecting numbers, but she didn’t want them because at that time, she was satisfied with our thing. There was no reason for her to be talking to those dudes. She didn’t ASK them for their numbers, they just offered them to her. It wasn’t like she was saying to me “hahaha Look! This guy gave me his number! :D” and then pocketing it as if she was going to call him sometime.

        Personally, I wouldn’t have cared because I keep my game tight. If a chick I’m messing with wants to mess with some other dude, she needs to go ahead and do that. If I’m not doing what I need to do to keep her interested in me, C’est La Vie. \o/

        Another problem is that if some dude asks you what your relationship is to some other dude, you’re supposed to stay shut. That’s called “Keeping His Business Out The Street”. If you’re blabbing about whether you’re “just friends” or not, who knows what else you’re going to blab about in the future? No good. :/

        This friend of mine told me that a friend of hers asked her why *I* had her in my Facebook avatar. Same deal. That’s *MY* personal business. Maybe I’m hooking up with her. Maybe I’m not. Maybe I’m planning to marry her. Maybe I think she looks hawt and want to show her off to my friends. Maybe I think *I* look particularly good in that picture and it has nothing to do with her at all. Either way, it’s *MY* business, just like if anybody asks me about her, I say “She’s a friend of mine. I enjoy her company. She’s cool. I’ll introduce you to her the next time we’re all in the same place.” Whatever she told me about herself is *HER* business, and I’m not going to go around blabbing it all over creation.

        While it may or may not be true that he’s dating someone else exlusively, the point is that he doesn’t want to hook up with YOU anymore. It’s easier on you for him to back out of the situation claiming interest in another woman than if he would have just said “I’m not interested anymore. I’m going to do my thing with other chicks now.”

        The upside of that is that he’s offered to be friends with you. Lots of guys just BOUNCE when they’re done with a chick and never speak to her again. The only reason they were talking to her was to hook up with her and once that goes, they’re not interested in anything about her life ever again.

        The downside is that it appears that you’re interested in continuing the situation that he’s no longer interested in.

        My advice to you would be to stay in the pocket but date other guys like a regular, single woman. If he’s serious about being friends with you, he might come around at some point and want to date you again. If he doesn’t feel like hooking up again, at least you have a friend you shared good times with and that you’ve remained in touch with.

        At this point, the only way to win him back is to stay in the game and demonstrate to him that you’re a good person to be friends with and potentially a good person for him to date. If he’s really dating the woman he mentioned, she might get caught slippin’ and divulge some kind of character flaw that makes him turn off to her as quickly as he turned off to you.

        If that happens, you want to make sure you’re right there in the running to step up and usurp her throne.

        My only other advice is that you need to be authentic. If you really like a guy, you need to let him know and let the chips fall. If you don’t, same thing. Guys that are looking for a girlfriend don’t like indecisive women. Your word has to mean something so that if he decides to call you his girlfriend, it means something to him that you call him your boyfriend. Take some time for introspection so you can figure out what you really want going forward and present a strong, decisive stance for the next time you’re in a situation like this with him or some other guy.

        Good Luck! 😀

  23. When I told him I was scared and I needed to think about it he said he appreciated my honesty. He understood where I was coming from because he knew me and what I had been through prior to our face to face meeting. He also knew how vulnerable I was/am. How I know him is he knows my sister in-law.

    And as far as acting like a teenager, I will admit I felt like one again. Something I never thought I would and it felt nice for awhile.

    I know now I screwed up but I can’t un-ring a bell and I know I have to move on.

    I do have a date next week with napkin man. We talked on the phone, I will stay in the loop by remaining in touch with my FWB.

    What you said is what I have been thinking all along, though my uncle told me to just forget about him and have some pride. That all I’m doing is feeding his ego by mooning and fawning over him.
    To me Love and Pride do not mix well.

    I’m sure he is seeing GF I have seen her on his FB friends list, she is cute plus she only live 30mins away, where I live 1hr 45mins.

    Do you think it would be pathetic if I show up on the 21st to see him play, or should I give it more time. Everything I have read tells people to not contact them and let them miss you.

    I’m sure if my FWB really wanted rid of me he would delete me from everything.
    I wouldn’t say I’m in love with him but it was heading in that direction.

    I was taken by surprise on our first night together how he kept kissing me on my back and holding my hand. My thought was is he suppose to be doing this if we are just FWB. And the loving message he gave on my cell.

    He does however, have this thing with married/separated women. In the beginning I was trying to help him through one of these relationships, in return he listened to me talk about my (at that time) soon to be ex.
    I did ask him if the reason he want to have sex with me was because he just called it quits with SS, he said “Hell No!” That he still has feelings for her but he will get over it (if she would leave him alone) and he wanted to be with me because of me. He told me after the break up he loves my spunk and spirit and I say (I can as long as it’s not my feelings) what I mean.

    Now you do know the vibrator story he and I were just playing around he knew I didn’t have one.
    I couldn’t type and use one at the same time, I’m talented but that that talented LOL!!

    Do you men ever change your mind about a woman once you break it off with them?

    FWB is now giving me dating advice about napkin man, telling me if napkin man starts to move in the sex direction to just tell him up front that I only do that with men I am involved with.

    He told me after he offered his services to me that he is not boyfriend material.
    Can you please explain what that means I never asked him I just assumed it meant he didn’t want a relationship.

    Thank you for your upfront answers I appreciate you writing back.
    I know next time to be upfront and not wait to see how someone is feeling about me first. I hope you know how hard that will be.
    But one more question, when is the right time to do something like that without scaring someone off?

    I will stay hopeful and believe anything is possible. I am and have always been a one man woman I do not flit from one to the other and he knows this.

    Thanks again
    Layla

    1. Uhm, so not only did you SHOW him the napkin and then you KEPT the napkin and now you are on a DATE with the dude from the napkin BUT are still wondering what going on with the first dude…
      I dont mean what Im going to say in any malicious way but… ARE YOU REALLY THAT NAIVE? Nothing personal but just because he elected/chose/accepted that this would be a FWB move doesnt mean he wants to know about the rest of your business. More importantly, you are going on a date with sum1 you met while you supposed toe be VIBBIN’ with him… Your most simple response should have been “Oh, Im sorry but im here with a friend”! So now you wonder how you cab win him back WHILE still going out on this date with Napkin Dude… Follow me closely, if YOU were a GUY this is how that would sound “damn, how do I keep fucking her while still getting with that chick who wrote her personals on that na’kin!” How would you feel if you were one of the chicks YOU are talking about??
      Considering how you met Napkin Man, the term we need to aquaint with is DISRESPECTFUL! Thats what would be said of HIM if he copped a number while in your presence, soooooooooooo… What would that make YOU?

      As for him telling you to slow down the sex with the new guy, that MIGHT just be reflex since he is the one responsible for your actions. In short, If I ant gettin’ it-Nobody gettin’ it!!

      Quick question: (and this is out in left feild and may not even apply to you) But what are Napkin Dudes motives?? My answer would be (and speaking only for me if I was Mr. Brawny Towels there)… Met this chick while she was with her man and gotta a date this week. You know Im tap dat azz…

      1. Okay, I understand what you are saying but it’s hard to get the full effective of my relationship with FWB’s in writing for you to completely understand.

        He is the one that told me to call “napkin man” I didn’t want to and told him so then and there.
        HE is the ONE that would not tell ME he has/had feelings for me. So, when I asked why he wanted me to call these people he said I need to make friends closer to me. I took that to mean he didn’t care about me.

        This past Friday FWB calls me out of nowhere he brings up “I will have to tell mom tomorrow when I see her” (though later in the conversation he pulls up to his house and said he has to go in to shower why couldn’t he tell his mom then?) that was an opening for me to ask what he was doing Friday night. Of course he has to tell me he is going out with GF, he didn’t say it but, that meant he was staying overnight with her.
        I have not gone on a date with napkin man as of to date, we had plans but I called it off. I do not know him well enough to go out on a date, I will meet him someplace but I will not allow him to my apt.

        After I spilled my guts to FWB I didn’t message him at all over the weekend I didn’t even try to make any contact. He sends me a message this morning.
        If he knows how I feel about him then he needs to give me time to get over him. Every time I make the decision to wait at least 2 weeks before I try to contact him he either calls (stating I called him but didn’t leave a message)or he Facebooks me.
        With what he did on his drive home blah blah blah.

        Trust me I would not have called “napkin man” had he not encouraged me to do so. When FWB said that to me, that meant he didn’t care about me or with whom I hung out with.

        My FWB knows me well enough to know I do not sleep around and can take care of myself. He is one of two men I have ever slept with, my former husband being the other. I went 3 years being completely celibate before I met FWB.

        If he wanted to be exclusive with me then he should have said so, and I would have jumped at the chance, because I found myself falling for him, not because he is in a band and use to be in a fairly famous one(I didn’t know until much later in our relationship) years ago. I fell for him the man I “thought” he was.

        So, you all can say I was playing games, but would you not agree he was doing the same?

        Just because I was trying to guard my heart to the best of my ability and not wanting to look foolish by being rejected. I feel he did as well, that is if he ever had any feelings for me. I have asked him twice “Did I notice he was starting to have feelings for me other than just FWB, or was I mistaken?” he will answer every other question but that. And if he was trying to spare my feelings by not answering then why didn’t he spare my feelings when he told me there was someone else,our relationship wasn’t serious and I am not the “one”? That hurt, and he knew it would.

        Besides like I have said before, I think part of our problem was when the whole “getting together” conversation came up he is the one that told me he was not “boyfriend material” which by the way I still do not know what that means or entails.

        This whole thing revolves around both of us not wanting to go back on what we initially stated and it’s called PRIDE!

        So, yes I will go out with others and no, I will not throw it in his face (unlike him) when I do.
        Yes, I will stay in touch with him (because I still have strong feelings) but first I must try to gain some composure before I do so.

        My question is How much time should pass before I drop by to see him play without looking too desperate, clingy, or pathetic? After all I did make a fool of myself Friday night after I told him how much I liked him, with him sort of laughing while I said it. Though I did say it in a kidding way.

        This whole thing is starting to get old with me and I am at the point of telling him to screw it all.
        I know that we would have been happy together if both of us or at least one of us had been upfront about it.

        Then there is always the possibility he never had feelings for me and I just imagined the whole things.

        Sex was GREAT, after sex cuddling was wonderful, the after sex calls and messaging was something I will always cherish.
        I fell and fell hard for someone that I never wanted to.
        Coming from a long and difficult marriage that I did everything to hang on, I told my FWB I would never marry again. He did make me realize that I am capable of loving someone, something I thought I would never allow myself to do.

        Now what do you men think I should do?
        Do I write him the above paragraph telling him just that?
        Do I let it go?
        Do I keep in the picture waiting to see if his new relationship will hold up, or will it be like so many of his in the past fall apart.
        I do not want to be the topic of conversation with his new GF like the woman before me was with he and I.
        I do not want to run into one of his buddies (like that would happen I don’t hang out in clubs)and have them look at me like a pathetic loser.

        I am not going to beg him to see me, call him or anything like that.
        Although he told me a few weeks ago that in June he will come by and we can go to dinner, and he will bring me my socks I left in the hotel room on our first encounter back in Feb.

        Layla

        1. Ok, first is this-Im only speaking for myself. i dont know you or him and dont know all the mitigating factors involved here, having said that:

          if it were i in that situation, here is why your comment (“…He is the one that told me to call “napkin man” I didn’t want to and told him so then and there.
          HE is the ONE that would not tell ME he has/had feelings for me…”) would be irrelevant to me, What else am I supposed to say??? You already accepted the number. You accepted the number at an establishment that I might be known. Even if I had feelings for you, what incentive would I have to share them with you?? Of course i would say go ahead and call, I have to save face and keep the notion that its just a FWB situations going. The only way to get me to ask you not to call would have been for you to not take the number PERIOD. The fact that you KEPT the number only adds to it. Again, speaking for myself. If you lived a distance from me and I met an equally attractive female closer… If i had to choose, you would lose. Simple and as narrow minded as it may sound the only reason would be that number. How can I trust you from a distance when you didnt give me a reason to do so in person? This may or may not apply to you now but going forward, keep the above in mind. (Making this a little more personal and again speaking only for myself. Even if I initially believed you in regards to how many men you slept with, the ease in which you took that number while with me would make me question your honesty. It would make me question if I trully am the amongst the lucky few or if Im just one of several? Depending on where I was emotionally with you, that napkin has the potential to undo all that!)
          Please dont take this like im judging you, I am not. Going forward though, whatever would offend you will/would probably offend someone else. Im not saying you werent with in you right to get numbers Im just saying the time and place were inapropriate and if you couldnt help yourself, dont mention it.

          1. I’ll cosign all of that. Also, as Frank says, without being judgemental, merely factual.

            If a chick I was kickin’ it with said a dude gave her his number AND she accepted AND kept it AND showed it to me AND *STILL* kept it, I’d be like WTF’s going on here? :/

            Not only does it look like you’re still playing the field, but you disrespected him in his own establishment. There’s nothing else to say about that and retain your self respect other than “I think you should call him”. What’s the alternative? “PLEASE DON’T CALL HIM? I LOVE YOUUUUUU!!! :O”.. If you want to go out like a sucker, go ahead. Most guys are gonna be like **** this. I have a chick that’s closer in proximity and way more down for me than this chick, so let me roll with that.

            I think we also need to throw C-Jay’s concept in here, which is that I don’t think you were ever anywhere past “being on the roster” in the first place. It doesn’t sound like you were ever in the running to be anything more than ONE OF his chicks. You might have been up for “Best Girlfriend”, meaning that he had other chicks, but you had priority, but it seems like this dude already has options for female companionship and sex, so pulling him for yourself would be a rather tough row to hoe.

            Another thing which I’ll reserve for a different post is that women have a ******-up understanding of why guys have sex they way they do. Cuddling, Kissing, Eating Out, whatever.. That all depends on a guy’s STYLE and what he feels like doing or is inspired to do by a particular female. It doesn’t say anything about whether he cares about you or intends to keep you. If his style is to “make love” to you as if you’re his beloved wife, that’s just his style. You can’t translate that into what he thinks about you or wants from you.

            Not every guy takes you back to the cribbo so he can get blown and kick you out at 4:30am with $2.25 in your pocket for the subway home.

            1. “PLEASE DON’T CALL HIM? I LOVE YOUUUUUU!!!”

              Dude, Im surprised you could correctly spell those words and put them in the same sentence!!!

              Am I gonna have to start losing faith in you???? lol

              1. hahaha Neva Dat! Neva Dat!!! 😀

                As much as I try to avoid it, I’ve actually heard R&B music and sappy stuff like that is all over the place.

                I was just imagining what a HERB would say! 😀

  24. Uhm, this is going to sound really really REALLY shallow but I think we have missed one of the MOST obvious answers for this simple question:

    Why You Got Dumped After Sex?

    Because the only thing better than P***Y is NEW P***Y. As in this ones done, who’s next on the list!

    Damn, I feel dirty just writing that!! 🙂

    1. To play fair and add to the sharing of knowledge for all…girls dump guys after sex too…I’ve done it and was because the magic stick wasn’t so magical. When a girl dumps you…it’s ALWAYS #2.

      1. hehe Agreed, Callie. 🙂

        Basically, guys expend all their energy and skill GETTING IN! 😀

        The question is “What are you going to do with it, once you get it?”

        If he doesn’t have a good answer for that, it might be one-and-done for him, and then it’s back to the drawing board! >:D

  25. Okay, now you guys are just being hurtful.
    All I asked was for someone to help me figure out what I need to do.

    And yes he and I are still friends, he loves and care about me no matter what I relationship is.
    We were friends then and we are still friends.

    I know what I did was wrong “NOW” but at the time (and he knows this)my thought was we are just friends hanging out not boyfriend and girlfriend.

    I get your meaning and it is well understood.
    But I’m not just a piece of “Pussy” nor is he just a “Dick”.

    We are two people that made a mistake and will have to live with it.

    Layla

    1. That last posting was a general answer for the Topic itself. It wasnt meant for you thats why i didnt attch it as an answer to you. The banter between Bill and myself is more personal because i know him in real life and i knew he would never say I love you please dont! that was between us and I do apologize if it came across as a dig to you, it wasnt. the only think that I addressed to you was the whole number on a napkin thing.

  26. Okay, I need your advice.

    I will be seeing FWB Monday he is helping me with something. This will be our first meeting since that night at the club in April.

    Though we have been talking on the phone and messaging each other almost daily I am nervous.
    It may sound silly but I do not want to blow it.

    Layla

  27. So I would like all of your thoughts on my situation.

    I dates someone three times last year. He asked me out, then texted then disappeared for 5 days. I responded and then he called me the next week for date two. On date two, we had a great time, and ended up fooling around (heavy second base). Then I went out of town, when I got back, I let him know I was home, he called, and asked me out.

    We went on date three and then he disappeared for 10 days. Then he texted, I waited two days to respond, then he called again 10 days after that, I did not respond because he never left a message.

    Then on new years, I saw him across the room, waved and smiled. He never came up to me. I was upset. I figured we would get a chance to talk. I was with our mutual friend, who called him out when he texted her later in the night. But I never reached out. Then I did not see him for three months.

    When he spoke to my mutual friend he said I was nice girl but that I was not the woman for him. He also told her what had happened and he was truthful.

    When I saw him at my friends b-day party, we hit it off, and he invited me to a concert and followed up on if I wanted to go.

    That culminated in him asking me out for date by texting me a bunch and calling me. The date went well. Then he came on really strong for date two. On that date, he had his arm around me for an hour, and then at the end of the night DID NOT try to kiss me. I then made some excuse that he was just tired.

    Then he backed off, he kept texting every few days, but not asking me out. I was then on vaca, and we texted a while on that. Then when I got back, he followed up. He asked me out for date three.

    On date three we went out to dinner, but he did not really touch me (he is not a touchy guy at all), we went to his place, watched a move and had a sleepover which moved to third base. In the morning, he was very affectionate. We went to a convert that afternoon and I met his friend.

    The next day, he texted me wishing me a happy b-day, and then disappeared. I texted him on Thursday night, which was a nice back and forth. but that felt really icky because I wanted him to contact me after we had fooled around, and it was my b-day.

    He then called the following tuesday to ask me to help him find art for his place. When I arrived on Sat, he did not seem glad to see me, he was ok, but it had been two weeks since I had seen him. He then invited a friend along for the art part. We left the festival, and we hung out at his place. He again did not touch me. We ended up cooking dinner and watching movies.

    That night, we fooled around, and he said my BJ as too hard (it was the first time we had done that, and I have never had complaints before). He was having troubles cuming, and it took a while, even when we went back to hand job.

    The next morning, he was not affectionate, and got a little snarky with me. I felt aweful because he just seemed to be backing further and further away.

    So I told him I thought he and I were having a disconnect and that I was wondering how he felt things were going. He said he enjoyed spending time with me, but that it was not going to get serious.

    I told him I did not want to be in anything that did not have a trajectory. I told him I was confused because this was the second time around, and i did not understand why he came on so strong and then just kept backing away.

    So, what happened? Was he never really interested? I have no idea how I could have been different. I never initiated much, and was very responsive.

    1. Thanks for the question, “Tallgirl”. 🙂

      It seems that you did everything you were supposed to do to indicate your physical interest in him. Guys, in general, want to get laid all the time. If it’s one of those times when they don’t, they can normally be inspired to want to get laid by either a chick that’s really attractive to them or a chick that’s at least quasi-attractive but has clearly indicated that she’s down with the program.

      Normally, when guys don’t hop on something like what you were offering, that means that they had something else lined up already. A lot of times, people (guys & girls) make the mistake of thinking that because someone’s “dating”, they’re not physically involved with anyone. “Single” means “Not committed”… It doesn’t mean “Not presently hooking up with anyone”. So, some people that you meet are going to have a very “Take it or leave it” vibe when you offer to sex them and even MORE of a “Meh” vibe if you attempt to get them to commit to some format of “relationship” with you.

      From what you said, it seems like he was interested enough to try you out but not interested enough to invest ANY time or energy into the situation, which means you’re better off meeting a guy that’s actually appreciative of your efforts.

      1. Bill,

        I am pretty sure he is not seeing anyone else. But I never offered him sex. I offered a staged entrance to sex because I wanted to discuss that for me sex means that we are not sleeping with other people. There are a lot of bases ;-)!

        I am glad I ended it without sleeping with him. He had already shown me he was not going to be very respectful.

        The right guy will appreciate my efforts or at least be communicative.

        Not on the sex part, but why do you think he came back and pursued so heavily? Then to only back off?

      2. Bill,

        I am also happy I had that discussion in a calm manner and just left. I did not need to add crazy to whatever he was thinking…..

        1. “But I never offered him sex. I offered a staged entrance to sex”- That’s like having a three course meal where you may or may not get the third course when it’s the only reason you showed up to dinner to begin with. Just saying if your competition isn’t doing that you might not even make his short list.

          Sounds like whatever else he had going on fell through so he was working you as a long shot on the return trip and unless you were giving it up his interest was exhausted. I guess somewhere in there he either didn’t believe you, thought he was capable or wearing down your resolve. or had nothing else going on. In the end he got tired of sticking around but wasn’t going to turn down a BJ.

          Whether or not you slept with a guy who turned out to be a jerk is irrelevant, that’s physical attraction for ya, the more worrisome part is why YOU would deliberately spend any time at all with someone with such highly suspect behavior in or out of bed. You used the word “disappeared” three times in your original post. That’s at least two times too many unless he works for the CIA and even then he should be calling you from the water boarding chamber.

          1. Agreed with Steve.

            Perhaps the biggest problem for women is that y’all refuse to understand what The Game is actually about. Y’all think I’m joking when I say that if a guy doesn’t want to have sex with you, he’s not going to kick it to you AT ALL. This is why y’all ask questions like “Aside from the sex…”

            There *IS* no “Aside from the sex”. What happens after a wedding? A honeymoon. What happens on the honeymoon? Sex. What do they call it? Consummating The Marriage (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/consummate) – 2 : to make (marital union) complete by sexual intercourse [consummate a marriage]. There *IS* no marital union without sex. There’s no “relationship” AT ALL without sex being the focal point, whether it’s actual intercourse, blowjobs, handjobs, strip-teases, sweet nothings whispered in ears, whatever… without sexual stimulation of some kind, either actually getting it or the prospect of getting it in the near future, there’s no incentive for a guy to “ask a girl out” whatsoever.

            For some reason, women never figure this out no matter how many times you tell them straight to their faces and no matter how many times guys disappear when they determine that they either aren’t going to get any from a chick OR that getting it isn’t worth the hassle.

            You never offered him sex? Of course you did. You offered him sex as soon as you accepted his invite to start dating each other. Women don’t have to SAY “um… Let’s have sex?”. Y’all have to give the guy the green light to try to get it from you and that’s what “going out on dates” is. That’s YOU giving HIM the chance to throw his hat in the ring and maybe get laid tonight or some other night in the near future if he’s willing to put the work in.

            I understand, thanks to commenters on my own blog here WHY women have to remain in the dark about this kind of stuff in order to remain positive and happy about dating and their lives, but this mindset puts y’all at a SERIOUS disadvantage.

            Guys are thinking about having sex with you before they say WORD ONE to you when you meet them. They may have suggested to someone to introduce you to them BECAUSE they want to have sex with you. There’s no such thing as “Aside from sex”. If he wants you, he’s coming after you and it’s your decision whether to hook up with him or not. If he doesn’t want you, you’ll never hear from him again.

            1. Still not believing how important sex is to a relationship?
              Physical battery, adultery, and sexual abandonment are ALL fault based grounds for divorce in most if not all the states. “Fault based” versus irreconcilable differences, ’cause you actually get to single someone out in a legal court of law for not putting out. Yeah, there are a variety of reasons for that but even in the eyes of the law, no sex, no relationship.

              1. SEX IS ABSO-EFFFFFIN-LUTLY a must!!! I have mentioned it in previous postings and I’ll say so again…
                I have never looked across the street and seen a fine, well shaped (.)(.) having female and said…
                I bet I’d be able to have a conversation with her!
                Every encounter is atarted on the notion that I’d like to get that! and any guy that disagrees is either lying or standing next to his SO and unable to really talk.

                1. I agree, sex is a must, and should be on the table, at some time. I don’t want another friend either. What you guys are suggesting is that it is an all or nothing every time at the beginning of a relationship. I do not agree with that, and many women do not.

                  Anyhow, he was not attracted to me, I get it. I ended up dumping him anyhow so that the door is shut. For good this time. I can do better. I know that because when we were out and he was not appreciating me, I was being admired by others. Time to go find them.

                2. I would take your comment one step farther and say that MOST WOMEN DO NOT believe sex is an all or nothing from the beginning of a relationship.

                  Unfortunately, what y’all believe has no effect on what guys do and/or think. If you’re playing baseball and walk up to bat and the pitcher throws three strikes in a row while you don’t swing, you have to go sit down, regardless of whether you believed he was going to throw strikes or not.

                  What we’re telling y’all, and it’s not to be harsh, but rather to give y’all an opportunity to spot reality for a change.. is that if a guy isn’t sexually attracted to you, he’s not going to approach you as a “Friend With Benefits”, Girlfriend, Fiancee or Wife. There’s no point in ANY of those titles other than sex.

                  As confused as women are about that fact, I’m absolutely confused about why the majority of y’all will never “get it”. 😀 If a guy isn’t physically attracted to you, he’s going to treat you like you’re another guy. You will get NO LIGHT as far as “relationships” whatsoever.

                  When people get married, they swear on a stack of bibles that they’re going to be sexually faithful to each other. Why in the hell would you agree to that with a woman you’re not sexually attracted to? \o/ You wouldn’t. So the only two ways you’re getting married is if a) he wants to **** you, or b) if he DOESN’T want to hook up with you, but has every intention of screwing chicks behind your back.

                  This is why it’s in a gal’s best interest to make sure the guy she wants to corral in to a relationship thinks she’s the bee’s knees as far as sex. If not, it’s gonna be a tough row to hoe, holding on to your man.

  28. I need mens input but i don’t want to make this story too long..:)
    So he his an aquaintance, when we see each other we talk and joke around but there was never any indication on either of our parts of any interest.
    We went out cuz it was a friend of both of us bday and things got really alcholized and i gave him a ride home, we ended up at another bar and then back to my place. He lives 2 blocks from me but he did end up staying the night after drunken sex and in the morning it happened again (hung over sex)…for a total of 3 more times….he didnt leave until noonish….gave me a little kiss and a hug and said he’d call me sometime next week….its been 2 days now and i know im jumping the gun, but does it mean anything when a guy stays over that long after does it again and he was super duper affectionate in the A.M.

    1. “…but does it mean anything when a guy stays over that long after does it again and he was super duper affectionate in the A.M…”
      Uhm, NO!
      For many, it just means that the 2 of you were so drunk that 1)you didnt get up and throw him out earlier and 2)he didnt get up!! One bright aside to all this DRUNK/HUNGOVER/3x in one visit… The sex was great! Wait for SOME TIME NEXT WEEK (meaning there are still 5 days after the waited 2) and Im sure he’ll call. Otherwise, chalk it up to an interesting encounter!

      1. As usual, Agreed across the board with Frank’s statements.

        I think I’m going to write about this this morning. Women are so used to getting lame treatment from men that they reverse-engineer GOOD treatment as some sort of long-term interest from a guy. One has nothing to do with the other.

        Y’all listen to all these stupid-ass Jay-Z records talkin’ ’bout “6 am I be kickin’ her out” or whatever, and y’all EXPECT to get treated like dirt and then when a guy does something decent for you or actually talks to you or actually spends some time with you when he’s not ******* you, y’all think he wants some kind of relationship.

        Some guys actually LIKE WOMEN and ENJOY showing y’all a good time. Period.

        However many times he hits it for however many hours and however many orgasms you got doesn’t have JACK to do with JACK. He may very well be like that with EVERY chick he hooks up with because that’s what *HE* finds fun & worthwhile about messing with chicks.

        Anyway… hahaha The dude said NEXT. WEEK. 😀 Two days does not a Next Week make, unless he tapped that on Friday or Saturday and it’s now Sunday. Still, a week includes SEVEN. DAYS. so relax. 🙂

        Good Luck! 😀

        1. What? I go under the knife and you figure out THE general anesthesia afflicting all women? I was actually trying to respond to Dating Tips when I came across this brilliant distillation.
          “How many times for however many hours and however many orgasms…doesn’t have JACK to do with JACK. ” Well you shattered another illusion when I thought I was done. Yes, I have thought and maybe still do, that the sex I had with “X” was something rare which made our relationship special. I think I “own” that, at least 100% of my 50% of the experience.
          I also embrace “reverse engineer good treatment.”
          Yes, we do! And it IS lame. I think you have nearly enough material to just highlight the truths like Kindle readers do w/ favorite passages, and connect them seamlessly to effect change. You’d be the Norman Vincent Peale of the Power of Realistic Relationships! 😀

          1. * passes the collection plate * HAHAHA 😀

            Welcome back, Christine! 😀 .. Yes, there’s much to catch up on since you’ve been otherwise occupied.

            By the orgasm section, I wasn’t attempting to interpret or demean any interactions anyone’s ever had with anyone. 🙂 I’m just pointing out the fact that if a guy thinks a gal’s really physically attractive, he may very well have hours upon hours of sex with her and still think that she’s a crumb as a person.

            One thing has nothing to do with the other.

            Similarly, guys might be “fast” or physically inattentive, but simultaneously LOVE the gals they’re with and hope they stay together forever.

            There are also lots of situations where “having sex” actually *IS* “making love” and there’s lots of love given, received and shared within the physical interaction.

            I’m just saying that the tendency is for women to assume that just because a guy likes to hit it and doesn’t treat her in the ways she’s used to from guys that pump her and dump her, that doesn’t mean that THIS GUY wants to keep her either.

            He might just happen to *ENJOY* turning her on and getting her off.

  29. OK, I really need some advice. Because I’m going insane, here.
    I used to live in Britain, but moved back to Germany a year ago. I still however, regularly fly over for parties and meeting up with friends etc.
    Now last time I was over I hooked up with this really sweet guy after a few drinks that I’d fancied for a while. It was good, I enjoyed it.. it wasn’t mind blowing, but then again, I have hangups of my own and am really not very easy to fully please in the beginning. Doesn’t matter though. i enjoyed the intimacy… and we were both a little tipsy…. The next days, as girl friends do, all of mine were giving all these reasons why he definitely fancies me etc… Now I was only there for 5 days, but he still volunteered that I stay over at his and to take me to the airport at some godforsaken time in the morning. He picked me up, cooked me dinner and we had a really good time just watching TV and chatting.. So, yeah, I slept with him again. We were both sober and I guess I might have been a little awkward. My ex gave me quite some hangups about my abilities in bed… so I think i tend to overthink and over worry the topic.
    So, he crawled out of bed at like 4:30 in the morning, brought me to the airport and told me to get in touch next time I’m over. Since then the only communication except for one piece of banter a few days later has been innitiated by me…And when I asked if he felt like visiting me, he kinda overheard the question. Now, my friends could be right in thinking that he just doesn’t want to get too involved with a chick in another countries (even if the flight is only 2h away)…and that I should wait and see what happens when I get back, but I can’t help worrying. Maybe it was that simple. He thought the sex was awful and was disappointed. Only slept with me a second time to make sure it wasn’t just the booze… and now he doesn’t really want anything more to do with me. But if that’s true, then I can basically give up the whole notion of any kind of relationship with anybody in the future… DOesn’t sex also need time to get better? It does for me. I’ve never felt all that comfortable the firt time I sleep with a guy… Please, short of asking him (which would probably freak him out) I don’t know what else to do…

    1. Hey Kasandra. 🙂 Sorry to hear that your ex has affected your personal confidence.

      Did you say the flight is “only” 2h away? 😀 Does that H stand for.. HOURS? 😀 .. If so, I could be in Connecticut, New Jersey, Pennsylvania or Delaware if I wanted to travel two hours away from NYC to see a chick and I’m not inclined to date a gal that lives more than 20 minutes from my house.

      People in general have completely surreal ideas about Long Distance Relationships (LDRs). Basically, any female that lives closer to him than you do trumps you due to convenience.

      Another issue is that since he KNEW you were leaving, it was an easy deal to give you the works (staying over, cooking for you, cold lampin’ watching television…) because he knew that as soon as you had to fly home, you were out of his hair. Gone.

      It’s the old “What happens in Vegas” trick. You were on vacation, so the normal rules don’t apply to either of y’all. On top of that, he told you clearly “Get in touch next time you’re over”.. You typed that yourself. He didn’t say “Call me from two hours away”. He said “Next time you’re in position to hook up, you could get it”.

      Next time you go over there, I don’t doubt that he’d tap that again. That doesn’t mean he wants to talk to you on the phone or text or email with you or do ANYTHING with you that doesn’t result in him having a “Happy Ending”.

      As far as sex getting better, that’s always a possibility, but I don’t think that’s your problem. The issue seems to be the typical one, which is that women think that guys that are willing to have sex with them are interested in talking about mundane stuff with them and socializing with them other than physically/sexually. Normally, that’s not the case. Out of sight, out of mind. Bring it back looking good and it’s Game On all over again.

      Of course, there’s the possibility that he met a new chick (or several) since he hooked up with you and he just can’t be bothered. I think the only thing you can do to check is tell him that you’re going to be traveling there soon and see if he invites you over to do the do.

      Good Luck! 😀

  30. Wow! I love and read mostly all the post and was so eager to hear what Bill has to say about my situation.

    I met this guy and we exchanged numbers. He called and asked if I want to go have ice cream at a local place near his house. I agreed. I met him at his place and the ice cream shop was literally right next door to his spot. We never ended up getting ice-cream due to the wait but I agreed to hang out for a while at his spot. We had a few drinks. I hung out with him and his friends then it was one-on-one with me and him. We talked extensively about all kinds of things. The topic of sex came up and with that he began the touch the knee, rub the back game. I was reluctant and he gave me the “it’s just a knee” speech and not to worry because it’s not that type of party. Eventually, we began to mess around and he did the one thing that most men will not admit doing let alone partaking in…He went down on me!!!!! OF COURSE that sealed the deal and that lead to sex. We continued to see one another for 3 weeks. He went down ALL the time and I did return the favors often. I like it. He liked it. Within this time, I was spending the night every night almost, we went out to eat, I met friends and a few family members and everything was cool. Within the first week, he reassured me that the fact that we had sex meant nothing and that he usually didn’t feel the way he felt about me with most other girls and that meant something. He even went as far to tell me that he and his ex did the same thing (sex on the first date) and they stayed together for 3 years! He wanted to make it so during the time we spent together; we agreed that BF/GF was appropriate titles since we felt the same way about each other. Well…..3 weeks in and all this talk and reassurance he decided to limit communication. I sent him a text message and asked him if he wanted me to come to a party he was promoting. He replied no. I said if I’m your girlfriend, why wouldn’t you want me to come to your party? He gave no reply. I waited until after work to call him. I called and before I could say a thing, he answered the phone and said, “I’m in the car with one of my friends and I will call you later (music blaring in the background) and hung up. I felt disrespected so I didn’t call back but that turned into no communication before or after the party which was 3 days after I called. He has given no reason. No reply to my text and no calls. It’s been 5 days. I know for a fact it wasn’t sex but I do know I didn’t see it coming. What does this sound like to you from a man’s standpoint???

    1. Hey Carissa. 🙂

      First of all, dude used a lot of good techniques, haha.. Date right next to the crib for easy transition. Alcoholic beverages. Extraction from the group. I’m only touching you. The last girl I ****** on the first date, I dated her for 3 years. Hooking you up before he got his… Excellent technique. Dude’s been reading or hanging out with other dudes that put him on to The Game! 😀

      Having said that, almost ANYTHING could have happened. He might have met a new chick and he’s expending his energy on her. He might have gotten bored of / used to hooking up with you and now he’s like “meh :/”. There could be something about your personality he doesn’t like.. Something he was tolerating so he could get on and now he doesn’t want to deal with it anymore. It could be anything, really.

      A lot of guys just don’t get any more attached to women than the sex they’re currently having with them. \o/ It’s like it’s great while it’s great and then when it’s ok or meh or blah or wack, it’s “out of sight, out of mind”.

      As far as the titles, girlfriend, boyfriend, whatever, those are entirely meaningless. You may as well forget about those. You see what just happened.. He called you his girlfriend and then stopped communicating with you. Kaput. So much for that. THEN, when you tried to say “I’m your girlfriend”, he didn’t bother either acknowledging or refuting that point… because it’s irrelevant and has nothing to do with whether he hooks up with you or not or whether he contacts you or not.

      My uneducated guess here is that he used to be really into messing with you and then he got used to it. As much as women don’t want to believe it, when a guy can either “take you or leave you” as far as sex, you pretty much don’t have any more leverage in the relationship whatsoever.

      This is one of the reasons why badboys are so tough for chicks to corral into relationships. There’s no reason they should only hook up with you because a bunch of other chicks are offering them the exact same thing.

      The unfortunate part is that when the situation dissolves, a lot of guys bounce with no explanation whatsoever. What does HE care if she’s wondering what happened? \o/ That’s why a lot of women end up with zero closure, which takes y’all longer to get over broken-up relationships than guys, who are mainly cool so long as some other chick they’re attracted to is available to them.

      Good Luck! 😀

  31. Bill, I’ve moved beyond wondering how you have the fortitude to repeat your advice so many times w/in the same strand. I think it is clear that there are two camps. They are comprised of those who see, and those who have yet to wipe the grime from their eyes, for whatever reason.
    For those of us who see ( I, a neophyte!) the first paragraph you wrote is of course! what one extracts from the post as far as WHY Dude made all of the choices he did.
    I thought you’d address the “most men will not admit doing much less partaking in….” Please do, as damage control to guys thinking other guys “don’t.”
    Personally, after reading Carissa’s post, I thought a guy submitted it or it was a joke. More to ponder on my end!

    1. I know what you’re saying. I posted this a year and a half ago (January, 2009) and for the most part, the questions remain the exact same. Like I always say, women in general aren’t getting any smarter when it comes to The Game and y’all keep falling for the same simple tricks over and over.

      As far as guys admitting to or partaking in going down on chicks, I didn’t address that because it fell under the general category of “give her what she’s missing” for the easy lay.. Whether that’s sex, personality, humor, listening, understanding, respecting her.. Whatever.

      As far as guys thinking that other guys don’t do that, I don’t think we really consider that. I know I don’t. I couldn’t possibly care less what the next man does. It’s going to be effective or it isn’t. He’s going to get laid from it or he isn’t. They’re all just basic techniques for the toolbox.

      One thing I can say about that is that guys in general certainly don’t want to do MORE than they know the guys before them did. If a guy claims he went out with a chick and had sex with her after the first date, guys that hear that aren’t trying to take her on, say, SIX DATES before they get laid. The bar has already been set. If it turns out that the next guy claims the same gal blew him in the parking lot BEFORE the date, the bar’s set even lower. Unfortunately for women, this works whether they actually did the deeds or not. All it takes is for a guy to CLAIM they did and for other guys to take his word for it.

      Besides, hooking her up sexually is just as much of a game-changer as spending time with her when she’s drunk, if not more so. If you don’t have something in your arsenal to physically turn her on with before y’all even get undressed, it might be a tough row to ho to get to the main action. Therefore.. A guy claiming he doesn’t do this or that is really just saying that he’s willing to work harder in the playoffs because he’s not going all out during the regular season.

  32. I’m still learning from you, about males. Your last response was one I had to slow down to fully absorb, while reading. It reminded me of Zoology II, memorizing facts about phylum, genus, species. Things I had never considered, but had to learn in order to pass the test!
    For example, I never would have come up with “guys in general certainly don’t want to do MORE than they know the guys before them did.” I think it is a touchstone for women to TRY to give more in all arenas than the previous woman purportedly gave. So, it’s foreign to me and I read it slowly in order to not miss anything and to fully grasp that it’s really true. Because I believe you know what you are talking about, Bill. I take your word. And, as I am light years more educated about men than the vast majority of the women I advise, I’m not sure WE are ever going to fully “get” it.
    While working in the fashion industry, internationally, I often lectured to large groups of buyers, sales managers and VP’s of retail chains, purveyors of luxury items. I learned that bringing it down to kindergarten level was the most effective- who would have thought? Making my hands form the letter L for Louisiana and using show and tell, I informed them in a way which stuck. Which was translatable, repeatable. The message intact.
    How much simpler can you make it?

    1. Let me clarify, Christine. 🙂

      In this instance, there are two types of “doing”. Let’s call them Doing To Get On (DTGO) and Doing Because You Feel Like It (DBFL).

      DTGO is the time, energy & resources you have to expend to get the chick to lay down or whatever you want her to do.

      DBFL is what you’re referring to, the physical interaction part after you’ve assured the hookup.

      So what I’m saying is that I agree with you as far as DBFL. Guys want to do more than the guy purportedly did before them, thus making a good impression on her *IF* they intend on keeping the gal or they don’t care about her so much as they care about what she’s going to tell her friends, resulting in the guy pulling more chicks by unintentional recommendation.

      If he doesn’t care about her one way or the other, he’s going to do whatever he wants during DBFL, whether she gets off or not because who cares? \o/

      What I was talking about in my previous reply is DTGO. Let’s say a guy is known to have met a gal on Monday and he says he tapped that on Friday. The bar has been set for the amount of time, energy & resources he had to expend to get laid… Four days of time, several phone calls, a couple hundred bucks for several dinners/drinks = how much he had to do to get that.

      A guy who happens to know this isn’t going to want to take a whole month to get the same girl some other dude got in a week because he assumes there’s no reason she should front on him and not treat him the same way as the other guy.

      The extreme version of this would be one night stands. If a gal’s known to have ONS, there’s no reason to date her in order to have sex with her. You don’t want to have to do more than anybody else did in order to get the same thing they already (reportedly) got.

      That’s what I mean by “not do more”. It has nothing to do with physical interaction, yet everything to do with setting up the physical interaction.

      As far as the eating out part, I was saying that it’s a gimmick, a tool for the arsenal. It’s better than alcohol. A guy might not do it at all. A guy might do it because he feels like it. A guy might do it because he has a very good percentage chance of that putting her in the mood to give him what HE wants = a tactic.

      So, for guys to claim that they don’t (regardless of the truth), they’re making themselves look less well-equipped to pull a WIN out of any situation because they’re not willing to do whatever has to be done to achieve their desired outcome.

      The clearly smarter tactic (regardless of the truth) is for guys to *CLAIM* that they go down on women so they start to believe that and imagine him doing it to them… making his job much easier when it’s time to get her to perform in the way he wants her to.

  33. Reading your insights is an initiation. Sometimes it startles me. Arrow sinks into heart of bull’s eye. And there is narration, the how and why.
    If my response is less than engaging and clever, it is because that is how I feel right now, in comparison (for a nanosecond!) You are incisive and brilliant. Full stop.

  34. Well Bill tell me what you think this behavior was all about.

    After 5 days of NO communication, he finally decided to call last night. Not once, but 8 times with voicemail instructions on how to contact him. I was sleep but the next morning I called and he blamed his phone but conveniently flipped it on me and told me I was fake even though I reiterated time after time that I did try to communicate and he gave no responses. He hung up on me a few times and I called back and it was the same tone. Why is he playing games and trying to justify whatever he did that was wrong? Why did he even call??!!!

  35. Yeah. I thot hookin back up with a “college/bible ” classmate and our situations being basically the same (abuse/severe cruelty / spouse turning to gay life) would be a sure fire match
    I couldnt have been more wrong! After a couple months and one bout of incredible sex and daily phone sex…upon returning from a roadtrip & unable to make contact for a few days…..NOTHING. Texted him, emailed him once each….NOTHING. Called him, he said he would call back. NOTHING.
    Crazy . I know Im a fantastic lover so I know it is not that. I asked him several times if he would feel guilty over this…he said no …and he would NEVER hurt me.
    WOW. Im still reveling in his rejection. He is absolutely NOTHING to look at or really charming at all, just an ole friend . shrugs. Men are strange

    1. Let me get this straight… 🙂

      You met some dude in Bible Class and he tapped that before y’all got married and you thought it was gonna turn out sweet? 😀

      It doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong or odd. It seems like he found something better to do in one way or another.. The other person lives closer, is more available, more interested, whatever.

      As far as “would never hurt you”, that’s like standard issue. That’s right up there with “I love you” and “I promise not to c…” well.. you get the picture.

      Better Luck next time, however, when you meet people that claim to be following a set of rules and then they don’t follow those rules, expect that their word to you isn’t worth very much either.

  36. You men are so funny. You all think you are such players! That you “tap that” and every woman wants a relationship or more from you. A bunch of insecure babies driven by your penises. I haven’t fallen in love with any of you yet. And you all just chase chase chase but don’t prove yourselves to be more special than the next guy. As far as I’m concerned if you men are all willing to give it up so easily, I’m not into it because a man-whore doesn’t make a good long term partner. Who knows what baggage/unknown children he has? It’s about time we flipped the switch on this bullshit. I don’t know where that beat up dick has been!

    1. Hey “Des”. Thanks for the comment. 🙂

      Except for the fact that a “man-whore” doesn’t exist, I think you’re right on point.

      Guys are biologically predisposed to procreate with various females in order to assure genetic variety in the next generation. The concept of each guy only having one woman is a societal concept that a lot of guys don’t actually buy into but are willing to fake it to get y’all to drop your drawers.

      The best thing women can do is cultivate and maintain the best personalities so that when guys are finished playing the field and are looking for someone to settle down with, they select you instead of the next gal.

    2. I do believe that we have over several posting with several open minded females explained that we arent talking crap…we are just talking it the way men would in a locker room. Meaning that if you REALLY paid even a tiny ass bit of attention, you’d understand that this can be something some of you ladies can use going forward! Men are the retail stores, the dick is usually whats on sale… If you wanna buy proceed with caution. Just cause its in style doesnt mean that its your style. As for tapping that and breaking someone back, most women see sex as more of an emotional connection them men do. I never said MINE is soooooooooooooooooooo good you gonna get hooked, but i will remind you that just cause you threw some my way doesnt mean anything other than the POSSIBILITY exist that we can at some point maybe get serious. Men see the hunt, women tend to see the security. As for where my beat up dick has been, why would you assume that those males that have seen you havent asked where has your scraggly beat up pussy been?? Without actually knowing you thats kind of childish of any guy to say about you…childish! just pointing that out!

      1. “Just because it’s *IN* style doesn’t mean that it’s *YOUR* style”!

        BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA

        * Singing “Tellll it liiiike it iiiiiiiis…” 😀 *

  37. Great response and analogy Frank. Your rapier is swift and accurate! I like the retail store visuals. 😀
    Since Des has NEVER experienced sex that was potent enough to cause her to fall in love with a man, she doesn’t have a dog in this race and is, IMO, not qualified to interpret men or judge these posts. She hasn’t a clue. Her loss. Men are marvellous. Even more marvellous once we learn how to handle them by first freeing ourselves from stale concepts which limit and hinder us. This site gives women the tools to do just that. Thanks guys!!!

    1. Thank You! I know it comes across as funny but Im being dead serious… again, to use the retail analogy, our differences are subtle BUT obvious. Woman are looking to post a “Going Out Of Business” sign on themselves and whatever guy they cop feelings for, Men? We are usually hanging up the “Going Out For Business” sign, meaning that yes we are still open and actively looking for shoppers. The better business bureau (women) might put us on public blast BUT there will still be consumers (more women) who wanna shop! Instead of getting offended that I actually had the nerve to write that, more women need to accept where the market is going and act accordingly!

  38. I just have some questions. If guys say that they are hard wired to sow their seed in as many women as possible, how come they don’t like it when they get someone pregnant or they use condomes so they don’t get someone pregnant?
    When does the caveman make an exit and the modern, thinking man take over? It must be so convenient to just bounce from one to the other whenever it suits.
    Would I like to be a male and just think or not think when it suited me? No way! I like being a decent human being who cares how their actions affect others. It’s sad to see how this site seems highlight the relationship between men and women as some kind of game where the innocent are expected to be savy and the wicked can justify their actions by survival of the fittest. It’s even sadder when it’s coming from a black man who seems to have forgotten that slavery came out of such attitudes. It seems like women are just being treated like a commodity and there’s some kind of market in human flesh. Sorry man but I am just so sad for human kind when I see some of the comments here.

    1. Hey June. 🙂 I appreciate your comments and will try to address all of them.

      First of all, slavery wasn’t created for black people. Do some reading http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slavery:

      Evidence of slavery predates written records, and has existed in many cultures.[11] Slavery is rare among hunter–gatherer populations, as slavery is a system of social stratification. Mass slavery also requires economic surpluses and a high population density to be viable. Due to these factors, the practice of slavery would have only proliferated after the invention of agriculture during the Neolithic revolution about 11,000 years ago.[12] The earliest records of slavery can be traced to the Code of Hammurabi (ca. 1760 BC), and the Bible refers to it as an established institution.[13]

      So.. Whether I’m black or not has nothing to do with whether I should be concerned with the attitudes that produced slavery because all kinds of people have been slaves at some point in history.

      The reason why guys use condoms to avoid pregnancy is that this society is an overlay which covers basic, natural society. There are rules and laws that we have to abide by in order to remain members of overlaid society. This means that if we steal something from someone else, we go to jail. If we have a kid with a chick, we’re liable for child support. If laws like that weren’t in place, you would see much less condom use in the same way that you see much less theft because people are afraid of being caught and going to jail.

      The reason why guys are upset when women get pregnant is because they weren’t having sex with them to make kids. They were having sex with them for fun and recreation and they got caught slippin’ and she got pregnant by accident. It’s like when you’re playing baseball and a kid hits the ball through a neighbor’s window and you have to pay for it. You’re going to be upset. You were playing baseball to have fun, not to break people’s windows, and now you’re liable.

      You ask an excellent question as far as where the caveman exits and the thinking man takes over. Clearly, that’s at varying points, according to the indivudual. It’s very convenient, as you point out, to bounce from one to the other, which is why women need to stop saying that men are dogs and stop accepting sex rehab as a sign that they’ve fixed men that were doing what they wanted to do when they cheated on you in the first place.

      I think the crossover is dictated by necessity. The less civilized a guy can get away with being, the less he’ll bother with it. Overall, I agree with you that it either needs to be stated that the guy can’t help himself and is a caveman or that he made a decision of his own free will when he did what he did. It’s up to the woman whether she wants to date someone that can’t control himself OR that deliberately does what she requests for him not to do.

      The reason I highlight relationships as a game is because they are. Whether you choose to recognize that or not and get hip to the game is up to you. 🙂 All I’m saying is that the innocent are easily trampled by those of us that know what we’re doing and it’s in your best interests to WAKE UP and see people who are trying to manipulate you so you can make educated decisions sooner rather than later in your relationships.

      Closing your eyes doesn’t stop ME from seeing. It stops YOU from seeing.

      You’re right that Survival Of The Fittest is the fact of the matter. The better guys get the better women. Your not liking that fact doesn’t make it any less true.

      Women are definitely being treated as a commodity and there is definitely a market in human flesh. Look up “pornography” and “prostitution”. Again.. You may not like the facts, but they persist.

      No need to be sorry, June. 🙂 I appreciate your comments and I think you SHOULD be upset that people think this way because that means that you’ve recognized it and you’ll be less likely in the future to get caught slippin’ by guys that attempt to use you like a commodity.

      Cheers! 😀

  39. Hi June, I think an appropriate simplification would be that there is an understanding that we are built to reproduce and there’s a whole lot of hardwired behavior on both sides to support that effort. I think a lot of folks can pull off being a “decent human being” (not sure exactly what that means to you, June) while also being a man or woman. But there’s still going to be conflict, internally and externally, when our selfish desires come into play. Some folks, on both sides, throw their hands up in the air and let it all hang out. A good example would be a woman saying she’s looking for her prince charming. If that’s not a statement of need then nothing is. It’s just a security related need instead of sexual. Sexual I get, a need for a sense of security from someone other than me sounds pretty alien, but there doesn’t seem much point in telling women how to be my idea of a “modern woman” – which I’m sure would really sound like they need to be more like a man. Much like many women’s statements about “switching off caveman thinking” (this expression comes up a lot in a variety of forums) is really a call for men to be more like women in how we behave. Men and women are different and we think about this differently. And not much of that is what could be termed proper, higher mind, thinking. We have desires then we attach logic to them to support them and be able to communicate them. Let’s recognize that.

    By the way, making other folks conform to how we think they should be is at the root of stereotyping and core of slavery, just want to point that out. It’s something people do in an effort to make the world easier to navigate, for themselves. Also slavery is a cheap labor force that never leaves – that’ the crux of the whole problem, attitudes just serve to support the perceived need for it…

    But yeah, there are some guys that are a lot too much like predators who will exploit women’s fantasies and there are women that are a lot too much like victims because they cling even tighter to their fantasies in the face of the truth.

    I’m not going to speak for Bill but it’s kinda harsh to say he’s forgetfully promoting slavery and prostitution.

    1. The “Prince Charming” factor is what jacks up a lot of women’s lives.

      The whole idea is for her to sell out to the guy that gives her the most stuff. Meanwhile.. Guys know this already and fake like they’re going to give women stuff to get them to lay down and do the right thing.

      This is why women need to be aware of game. If they don’t understand that guys are LYING TO THEM in order to get them to GIVE IT UP, they’re going to take guys’ word and then end up feeling used when they figure out what happened to them.

      Unfortunately, when you try to use people to get money, they’re usually using you at the same time, whether you recognize it or not and whether you like it or not.

      As far as prostitution, some people see it as an advantage that women have that they can spread their legs and get money simply because guys want to use their bodies. I’m sure that comes in handy in this jacked-up economy.

      1. A tangent but I wanted to to throw a spin on something…. you pay a cook to cook your food, you pay a house keeper to clean your house, you pay a baby sitter to take care of your kid… and as such you pay a prostitute to, um, take care of you… As I see it she’s not selling “herself,” “her body,” or “her soul.” She’s selling a service… a service that is always in demand.

        Remember that old saying “why buy the cow”… doesn’t work when the market is flooded with other cows offering free milk. I would say as women we need to stop worrying about the ever dropping price of milk and start focusing on the value of the cow. What makes you [impersonal reference] so different that you stand out from all the other cows that you’ll be worth all the extra upkeep that comes with cow ownership? Harsh and crude, but that’s just the way that I see it.

        1. I agree with that entirely, Callie.

          Prostitution is one of those weird things. Chicks can give it away for free, but they can’t charge for it. \o/

          It’s clearly the bartering system. I need milk from your cow. You need eggs from my hen. Let’s trade. I don’t personally believe that the giving of bodies or souls has anything to do with sex, paid-for or otherwise… That’s a construct that society’s brainwashed people with and they took the ball and ran with it.

  40. June writes, “this site seems to highlight the relationship between men and women as some kind of game where the innocent are expected to be savvy….”
    It IS a game, June. It would be in the innocents best interest to move toward savvydom, but most people don’t care whether they (innocents) do or not. It is certainly not expected. Collectively speaking, I hope women begin to get it. I see it as an individual’s responsibility to grow. And, this site offers a WAY to do just that. Keep reading. Enlightenment may follow. It’s the lift a finger method, but if you are willing to consider the truth in this body of work you just might shift your perspective and end up happier and more fulfilled. On many levels. I read and read these posts and comments, and, frankly had some resistance and even found a couple of diatribes abrasive. But something slowly began to seep in. There is a paradigm shift afoot. It is built on more honesty and awareness. It doesn’t take away the pretty story or make one’s heart less open. It points to a new way of being which seems scary at first but is, actually, the way through. Maybe attachment and attendant OCB over attachment is a neural pathway which is becoming vestigial.
    Keep reading with an open mind, and see what happens. It just might surprise you!

    1. See, the problem with the response “I don’t believe relationships are a game” is that it doesn’t PROVE that relationships are NOT a game.

      A proper argument would begin with “Here are the factual reasons why I can assure you that relationships are not a game”. Instead, comments that disagree with my points are usually “I don’t like what you said” or “I don’t like it that people think that way”, neither of which is relevant.

      The fact of the matter is that if it IS a game and you refuse to see it that way, I win and you lose. If it isn’t a game, we both win because I’m prepared for situations that don’t exist.. such as women using men for money and women using men to get pregnant and men using women for sex.

      Not seeing the light doesn’t mean you’re not standing IN the light.

  41. What do hunters hunt? Game. Animals they bag are referred to as game. And guess what? If you are in the spotlight, being hunted, you can’t see a thing. Hunter 1 Hunted 0. It’s all about the game.

    1. Interestingly enough.. Even if you’re NOT being gamed, the only way to know for sure is that you’re HIP to the game and you can tell from your personal experience and understanding that this person is on the up-and-up.

      If you refuse to recognize the game, you have no defense.

      1. I would like to add that when you are hip to the game, it’s more fun for BOTH!! Trust me! lol. We women just need to admit it to ourselves that we like it just as much as men do. (unless we are insecure about our abilities in the game… just speaking the truth from a female perspective)

        1. That’s part of the whole point to my dating blogging, Callie.

          It’s extremely boring, knowing that women give it up for the dumbest reasons that have nothing to do with reality.

          You don’t give a flying **** about her, but you say “I love you” and her panties hit the floor.

          You love her, demonstrate that through your actions, but don’t say it, and she fronts on you.

          There’s no reason not to lie to women merely to accelerate the process. *YAWN*

  42. I met a player on a relationship dating site which I thought would be “safer”..NOT!!! He worked for a professional sports team which I googled and found out he was legit (he wasn’t a professional athlete). I went on 3 dates with him. On the first date, I met him at his apt and then went out for drinks. We got along great, thought there was chemistry, he was interesting, smart, and funny. On the 2nd date, same thing, we got along great, we kissed, but no sex. On the 3rd date, he met me at my apt and then we went out for drinks. He promised me tickets to a game, a weekend trip, dinner, another date, etc. He put my birthday in his phone….all these nice little things that I thought was cute at the time. I actually was contemplating on going on the trip with this virtual stranger, he was that smooth….We came back to my place and he tried to sleep with me but I said that I wasn’t ready and I told him I wanted to make sure I was the only one (meaning a commitment from him) It seemed like he respected it. 2 days later we texted a few times, but when it came down to the day I was suppose to go to the professional sporting event, the asshole never got back to me. I thank god I never slept with him and I found out sooner rather then later. There were some signs that he was a player, the smiley faces when he texted, the fact that he would call me babe!! I hope other women will recognize these signs.. I think he follows the 3 date rule….The weird thing is if he just kept up his act maybe another 3 or 4 weeks, I might have slept with him…Some men are so stupid and they let there ego’s get in the way of there goal.

    1. Hey Alison. 🙂

      Seems like you did the right thing for yourself. You wanted him to lie to you and tell you you were the only one. He refused to do that and bounced.

      All the stuff he was offering you was the perks of a chick he was hooking up with. Since you decided not to do that, he decided not to give you any presents. It’s typical. In fact, he might never have intended to give them to you anyway. That might be his usual M.O. for getting laid.

      The other thing you have to consider is that he might have met a gal that was willing to have sex with him during the time you were stalling him. When that happens, all bets are off. The chick he’s hooking up with goes to the top of the pyramid and you lose any position you used to have.

      Guys don’t generally date gals singularly. We date as many chicks as we can get our hands on at the time. Whichever one is the best one to hang out with gets our attention & whatever perks come with it. There was really no reason for him to wait another 3-4 weeks to hook up with you because in that amount of time, he could have bagged 2-3 chicks that he hadn’t even met yet.

      His goal wasn’t to date YOU, but rather to have sex. It looks like once he figured out it was going to be a hassle to get on, he bounced.

      Having said that, I agree with you that guys need to stay in the pocket instead of vanishing into thin air and letting gals know that they’re worthless to the guys other than for sex. It’s kind of funny how you normally see what a relationship was REALLY about when it ends and by HOW it ends. o_O

      1. Well Bill, it seemed that the tables have turned. It turns out he did give me the tickets after all….and suggested that i go on an overnight road trip with him in a few weeks. It would be nice to be able to spend more time with him and get to know him better because he is really busy with work right now so I am contemplating on going. But it also looks like to me that he is hoping to get lucky. Maybe he wants a little of both.

        1. Good for you, Alison! 😀 I hope everything works out for the best for you.

          Also.. Props To You for coming back on the site and clearing dude’s “name”! 😀

          Cheers!

          1. Hi Allison,
            Exactly how did this guy come back into the picture? Didn’t he ghost on you when you were supposed to be going to a game? How long did it take to hear from him again after that?

            1. Thanks bill.. Steve, Well, he ghosted me for 2.5days. I called him twice and texted him in the am of game day. He finally texted me at 5:00 (game starts at 8) He said no??? then i texted him back.. no what…he said..are you coming, i texted you earlier at noon. I never got it! But it all worked out i guess..i know he’s swapped at work right now but still why do guys just “dissapper” It takes 2 seconds to send a text. I know you people need your space, or do you just try and play it cool??

              He is now away on business and i haven’t heard from him for 3 days..I haven’t contacted him either!!! i’m just waiting to see what he is does He did invite me to go back to the same place he is now on business in a couple of week with him. So, i guess eventually he will get in touch with me but still ghosting me for 3 days just doesn’t work with me.

            2. We disappear because we can. 🙂 Period.

              The next time we call, text or run into the chick IRL, she’s going to be interested in spending time with us or she isn’t. If she isn’t, it doesn’t matter because we have more girls already or else we’d be paying more attention to the ONE girl we have, for fear of losing her and becoming empty-handed.

              As far as the texting, I’ve had that happen to me also where texts disappear, so that may or may not be a technical issue from the cellphone carriers. \o/

              What you’re asking reminds me of the “Real World: New Orleans” I just watched where this chick’s boyfriend was in town and she asked him not to get overly drunk because she was singing that night and wanted him to be there COHERENT, in order to cheer her on.

              Dude didn’t even nod “yes” to her, hahaha He just kept on drinking until he was a dribbling, drooling, phone-smashing buffoon who totally embarrassed her and made her upset.

              Why did he do that?… Because he FELT LIKE IT, and according to what his homeboy said on camera “Dude gets more ass than a toilet seat”, so as long as the chick was still going to have sex with him, he had no incentive to do ANYTHING she asked him to do or to follow any of her rules.

              As far as your guy being away for business for three days, there’s no reason for him to call you because he can’t come over and spend time with you IRL. 😀

  43. Hi Bill,
    Ok before i get started,this is my 3th comments on your article, plus all the guys here have been giving their good feedback..enjoy reading on it because its give me a new info,idea and most important is making me slowly to understand what is really guys want to their girlfriend and ends with married.

    As i said in my earlier comment, seeking advice from female friend on guy problems only wasted my limited time due to my busiest jobs. But when a guy writing, their hand writing cannot be translated or found in vocabulary books. Its true, firms, the real men attitudes, character. each one have different life experience and that we women cannot denied on it.

    1st: i dont understand some hipocrete (same as ladies too), egoistic, arrogant and so on..in related bad attitudes is the one who is really want to marry you? seriously with you!! but not the other opposite guy.

    2nd:please be honest guys, I am asking you again and again, Is that sex really important during first date?

    3th: less attractive men over react/show up than attractives.

    thanks bill, will be more after these.

    regards,
    Marian

    1. Asking women for advice on what men are going to do is generally a waste of time because our minds don’t work the same way. It’s like asking someone who’s never been drunk how it feels when you drink alcohol. They can guess, but they can’t really tell you because they’ve never experienced it.

      Sex isn’t important at all during the first date. The only problem for women is that if you fail to give it up on date #1 and then he meets another gal that wants to hook up with him before he takes you out again, you might never hear from him again. 😀

      There’s no reason for ANYONE to do anything they’re not comfortable with during dating. Y’all just have to recognize that whatever you’re not doing, someone else will, so the longer you stall, the more you’re making it easy for the next gal to steal your man out from under your nose.

      I don’t really understand the third question, but I’ll say that less attractive guys have to try harder to please women because they’re starting out with a disadvantage. They get fewer opportunities to hook up, so they have to make the most of that. Also, attractive people meet potential boyfriends or girlfriends every single day. It’s no big deal to them and they can dump you at the drop of a hat because there are so many people waiting in line to hook up with them. Less attractive people are usually way more grateful when someone wants to spend time with them.

  44. Thanks Bill for your comments.
    As we were still discussion on these post, i would like to raise up this issue again. My jobs has made me knowing a lots of new things and opportunities in and surrounding me.

    But the fact is i have lesser knowledge on men b’cos all this while, after i have broke my engagement in the past 3 yrs, i have no attention to know more about attitudes and character on the men i have date. For me, it is simple. If he is interested on me, than he will call me again and take me out. If not, i dont care without hurt feeling or sad being left-out of him. What i feel is hardly for me to find a man who is really love and care of me like my ex-fiancee'(we both agree to break our relationship b’cos interfearance and too complicated sensitive matters raise by our parents..!

    I started date with a man again at the end of last year during christmas eve*. With his blue eye’,a british guy working in a oils and gas company in Brunei, a neirbouring country of Borneo Island (Sarawak). He smile and i smile too, and than he come to my table..we start our coversation from Jobs to life, and than get into relationship.

    Bill, Do you think it is not the right time to start any conversation with a man when we date him, i told him about my jobs (aqs he asked me) and i also reveal that i do engage before. He asked me again, why do you didnt get married with him?, i reply: well, it is too complicated for me to explain it b’cos when both parents interfear relationship and made they were not happy, ..that it! I stop here.

    While our conversation go on, he offer to buy my drink although i said, i have mine, and he insist me again. I have no choice. The time is a2.30am and i told him, i need to back as early morning get up early-assignment! he was following me, and i feel so strange but than he told me that, he is really interested to know me well.

    I said, this is not the right time (i know what he want. he want me to accompany him-i guest one night stand)..than he just smile at me and said, Baby..i know what are you thinking of on me!! than we both smile..nothing happen that night.

    1 month later, we met again (i have to travel to other state’s becos i needs to do my special reports on poverty. Than, he told me, that he is missing on me! You guest, i dont believes what he said! Also that night, nothing happen!!

    Now, my question is i let him go with other women. He said, “You dumped me because you do not have feeling me, right? If you are not interested on me, why dont you refuse me and tell me in the beginning? And now,…(deep in my heart, i like him very much and i do love him.

    Why i reject him? I feel useless. No confidence. No trust! I think you understand why i feel so down, lonely, no special boyfriend..what i know everyday..i spend most of my time working 7 days a week..no off-day except if i request.

    That why Bill, (the guy promise to pay my room) is i am trying to give myself another chance again but still until today. What should i do Bill!! There is a lots of men there but i have no interest on them!! I need your advised.

    Thanks,
    Marian

    1. When you first start dating is the BEST time to have conversations with people and they should continue throughout so y’all get to know and understand each other.

      Culturally, “My parents didn’t like [whatever] so I broke up with my significant other” makes sense in some societies and not in others. I wrote about that in http://billcammack.com/2009/10/13/big-city-dating-meet-the-parents/ .. The fact that someone else has ANY say over what some other grown-ass adult does is an instant turn-off to some guys.

      Obviously, it works in the other direction as well… Lack of respect for what parents think is an instant turn-off to some guys as well.

      You rejected him because you felt you had to. Go read http://billcammack.com/2008/11/18/sluts-whores/ .. Unfortunately for you, you have a lot of external forces dictating what you do and whom you do it with. If you can’t relieve yourself of that pressure, you’re going to have to keep going with the flow and receive whatever life gives you that’s within the boundaries of the limitations you’ve accepted in your life…

  45. Marian,
    It sounds as if you are learning from this site, and applying the knowledge. You knew dude wanted to get on when he offered to buy you another drink!
    You want Bill’s advice but it isn’t really dating advice you seek, is it? You were very close with your ex fiance and you do not feel open to beginning another relationship. You do not want it to be just about sex, you want it to involve what women refer to as “meaningful” sex. Yet the process of dating and getting to know someone well enough for the sex to feel meaningful is something you resist, possibly because of unfinished business with your ex or feeling that you are still in love with him.
    You try dating this guy, you just aren’t that into him, he turns to other women and blames you for not having feelings for him and for not being fully in the relationship.
    You rejected him and you want someone to tell you why. You answer all of your questions your self. Because you feel useless and have no confidence. No trust! You have no special boyfriend as a result of that, which leaves you feeling down and lonely with only work occupying your time. Your words.
    The change must begin within. I don’t think you are ready for a relationship. I think without work on yourself in this window of opportunity you will either repeat the cycle of trying a guy out and dumping him to reinforce your misery, or you might get involved with someone unattainable (due to familial influence, etc.,) or with someone who simply isn’t right for you.
    Do things outside of work which stimulate you and/or which fall in the category of self improvement. Work out, run, do yoga, study art history, join a group critiquing films, volunteer at an animal shelter, whatever.
    Obviously you have what it takes to be in a relationship. You’ve done it. And guys are still hitting on you. Like Bill says, just go outside!
    Live your life and I guarantee a guy will cross your path who will knock your…socks off!
    When he does, you’ll know how to handle him because you’ve paid attention to the advice on this site. Until then, you do you! A relationship is inevitable. We aren’t the hunters, we just get to say yes or no!
    Good Luck!!!

  46. Thanks Christine. Nice to know you in this site. You were right!. I should not be too selfish and bring along all my past memories with my ex!

    In fact Christine, i do try many times to date with a guy but yet..still, i dumped them in the way of my busiet works (the best reason) so that i would not be blamed from being ignoring them or spending time with him). You see! How cruel i were!!

    I was thinking on your writing, and i’m so glad to know Bill site without keeping alone to myself. Telling closed friends sometime its become a joke or fun to them when i said, i have no special man.

    Yeah, I should be. But when it turn (between woman to woman meeting), dont you think we women are always be the victim of our feeling just because we’re really love our man so much. We think we will never met any guy like him? Why are we women always comparing other guy that we do not know well with our ex-! Its seem may not for other women but for me, the most hardest thing i have to govern is the heart!

    I still maintain my daily interests like going out to pub, having drinks, have fun and dancing with my friends during week ends,..and i also noted some spotted eye., but i let them go to other women..sometime i heard some bad words from this guy..ignoring him is the best i can do.

    I know Christine and i also realise, i have made many mistakes and hurts many feeling. That why, If i found Bill site sooner (maybe 2 yrs ago) i may not being controlled by my own feeling.

    Anyway, thanks for your somments Christine, and i take it as a compliment to myself. I know what to do after this..sharing experiences in relationship has made me really like this post, and most of this sites posts including all feedbacks seen here.

    Thanks again Christine.

    regards,
    Marian

  47. You are very genuine, Marian. I’m glad we can all help each other. You wrote, “the most hardest thing i have to govern is the heart!” This brand of suffering is something specific to women, IMO. Pascal said “The heart has its reasons, wherof reason knows nothing.” I take this to mean that it is impossible to govern the heart. So, why try? Use your brain to better understand why men say and do the things they do. Use your heart to keep yourself vulnerable and open and filled with beauty in a way that might appear stupid to reason.
    I always say “suffering gets a bad rap.” You are suffering. Your suffering led you to this site. Your suffering is growing you as a person. And love will come a knockin’ when you least expect it, and you will once again be baptized in it. Best stop with the flowery stuff and turn the wheel over to the inimitable Bill Cammack.
    Great things will happen, Marian!!!

    1. I think Christine brings up a good point that you might not be over your ex-boyfriend.

      “We’re not together because our parents didn’t want us to be together” isn’t going to provide closure for you.. You’re not going to feel satisfied with the outcome of that relationship.

      You may also have another problem, which is an internal conflict with your culture’s concepts.

      You may also know in the back of your mind that any guy that you hook up with has to meet your parent’s standards or else they’re going to veto that relationship as well and you have to start all over from scratch.

      What you need to do at this point is decide whether you want to be in a relationship or not and then decide whether you’re going to make your own decisions about whom you date and for how long.

  48. Thanks..
    Christine & Bill,

    Wow!! i have missed most of your new repost recently. My busiest jobs cannot be delayed even less in a second.

    No woman will say ‘no’ if the guy she fall with is asking her to take her out for date! I should be called “a great pretender” if i said, ‘no’. In reality, women are always want to be love and love by a man she love.

    You’re right Bill. That is the main point here i should be taking care of now. I need to prepare and strengthen my weaknesses. As i told you earlire Christine, the hardest thing to govern is the heart. It is oo ridiculous! But that is me. That is the genuine of me, neither others.

    I always told my friends even for new comer friends while meeting, (it is easy to know me in general than in a particular)

    Yes, it is true! Cultures will bring a good things at once time. But cultures also yet to be determinded if the committment is yours! Two things done in one job will be confusing and make easily headache, which one is to be priority first!

    Same thing with me(not all women are). I remember politicians, when the general election is just around the corner bosses who are reluctant or reject your invitation for TV News ‘Live’ interview or to get their soundbites *to proofs your facts)suddenly ‘Sorry bla…bla..bla…unreasonable’ no matter what. Those who are not in the media mainstream, will get a culture shock. Politicans knows to win his onstituency back, they must maintain a good relationship with the most powerful in the world is a pen and a paper. Just only one straight line, these pen can destroyed his dream to become Prime Minister.

    But i failed being a woman to let been controlled by my own feeling. I have always giving myself many time chances. Yet, not strong enough to face it.

    I know and i realise that for how long i could be alone without someone who love you, care of you, be with you during your sadness, hardtime and sharing your acheivement? Year 2010 i should have but i waste 3 yrs ago just to fit others desires.

    This is my life and i should be the one who decide of! I have clear discussion with my parent recently and he promise not to interfear on my relationship in future. I feel relieves now.

    Anyway, thanks again Christine & Bill,,for giving me such a worth knowledgeable life experiences that were couldn’t be find anywhere but here!

    regards,

    1. Hi Bill,

      I unfortunately have fallen victim to this horrible occurance. Just want to start out by saying that I currently just got out of a 6 year relationship/engagement. Needless to say, the last time I was single was when I was 20 years old and boy, have the rules changed since then. So, as I enter the dating world again, I feel as if I am a native to this indigenous world. I start seeing the world in a different “singles” view again and I almost felt like its a prey-hunt season in the singles world. I felt really bold at one time and was enjoying being single again and met this guy at a bar (believe me…I know now) Anyway, so this guy who I met a bar seemed really nice and charming. He was very persistent always texting and calling every minute of the day. Again, being naive as I was, I totally fell for it. Our calling/texting lasted a few weeks until we decide to meet at a bar for drinks. During the weeks of our phone convos, sexual inuendos would arise and I would reply with something sexy but not over the top. I do want to add that during these phone convos, he would always invite me over, I made it clear to him that he would need to get to know me better first before I do “come over” which he replied with, “thats fine”. So back to meeting him at the bar again..I had a few too many to drink and like Jamie said, Blame it on the alcohol…I ended back at his place. The setting was awesome. Candles everywhere, Slow jams on, and not to mention, mirrors on the ceiling (I really should have bailed at this point) but hey, I felt very liberated and this man was sexy as hell. Before the action started, we had a small talk, he just got out of a 4 yr relationship and I did as well..we’re both not looking for anything serious…I told him the usual “I dont do this kinda thing” which is REALLY the truth. Besides this guy, Ive only been with 3 other guys and they were all my long term BFs. Anyway, the sex was ok. I couldnt really enjoy myself because it was so different being with a different man, especially being with the same person for 7yrs. I mean, I love sex and I consider myself as a very sexual person and was always adventerous to try new things in bed with my ex. But this time was different. I didnt think it was horrible but I really didnt let myself go like I usually do. So, after the deed was done, I did the unthinkable and stayed the night (he asked me to) and I didnt want to really feel like a hooker by just leaving after. So the next morning comes and as being sober and clear headed, you would think, I would be more rational but well…im sorry to say this but it gets worse we did the deed…but it was unprotected..(I know…Ive slapped myself already) Anyway, he didnt cum inside (no excuse, I know) but we quickly dressed after as he had to go to work and I was so ashame of myself, I could barely look at him in the eye. We left by hugging and I said “bye, call me later” he replied with, “ok, I will” SO, later that day, I get together with my girlfriends and shared the experience. I was so concerned with the unprotected sex that i quickly wanted to phone him and ask the last time he got tested. I work in the medical field so Im always being tested. I just didnt want to call and ask straight up, “hey, so when was the last time you got tested” so instead my friend had this wonderful idea to casually text him to tell him that I had a great time last nite. SO, stupid me did, and he never replied…EVER. I have not heard from this guy since that night, and lets just say that it has been over 30 days so dont say that maybe its just too soon. ~ I cant help but feel used and ashamed. As days, weeks pass I pay for the mistake I made. FYI, I got the Plan B as well as well as saw my doc for all the necessary testing immediately. ~ So Bill, what happened there? Was it me? Was it him? Was it the morning after text? WTF was it? I read ur above posts and no, I wasnt the talker/screamer any of that. Again, the sex was alrite, the morning sex was better, actually, I enjoyed that one. Anyway, what happened? I hate this single life. My single friends are so immune to this that they dont think its a biggie. I for myself feel very ashamed, used and dirty. So WTF happened and how do i better cruise the singles life and prevent from this happening again, cus really from this experience, I am about to vow myself to celibacy….

      1. Hey Lala. Thanks for the comment! 😀

        There is no “I almost felt like its a prey-hunt season in the singles world”… It’s ALWAYS prey-hunt season in the singles world.

        The reason it’s “fine” to “get to know you better” (which guys don’t care about at all) before having you come over is that if you come over before that, you’re going to be purposefully useless. Guys have to deal with this all the time. Women don’t feel like giving it up… until they DO feel like giving it up. When they feel like it, it’s easy to get. When they don’t, lots of work has to be put in. Some guys like the work. Some guys like the “Ease of Use”. 😀

        “I felt very liberated and this man was sexy as hell”

        You *ARE* liberated… kind of. The reason you’re not fully liberated is that you’re feeling guilty about doing what you obviously wanted to do, which was hook up with a guy that turns you on and makes you FEEL LIKE HOOKING UP. If you were actually liberated, you would do things you enjoy and you would enjoy what you do and feel great about it after the fact.

        the sex was ok. I couldnt really enjoy myself because it was so different being with a different man

        For women, having sex with “The One” is different from having sex with a guy that ‘just’ turns them on and makes them feel sexual. Sure, it was physically different, but it was also emotionally different, which goes a loooooong way with women.

        Staying the night isn’t “unthinkable”. There you go limiting yourself again.

        I didnt want to really feel like a hooker by just leaving after

        First of all.. Hookers actually GET PAID for having sex, so I don’t understand how ‘regular’ women can compare themselves to working professionals.

        Second… You need to examine where you got all these inceptions about staying over, leaving quickly, not hooking up until you “get to know” someone… Your efficiency in life is being sapped by these games you’re playing with yourself.

        I’m glad you got on again in the morning, but “C’MON, SUNN :/” about the lack of STD protection *AND* birth control. This is actually another issue that women have after coming out of LTRs where they weren’t used to using condoms.

        While you’re at it.. Go Google “Pre-Ejaculatory Secretion”.

        Besides the lack of protection, what exactly were you ashamed about for getting laid twice? o_O

        Testing is useless. Asking someone when they got tested after the fact is too damned late. First of all, symptoms don’t appear immediately. Second, he doesn’t have to tell you the truth. Third, the day after someone gets tested and comes up clean, they could go out and hook up with a chick that has something just as effortlessly as this guy hooked up with you, so the test is only as relevant as the day he took it, Capisce?

        Testing only TELLS YOU whether you’re going to die or not. It doesn’t PREVENT it.

        As far as your not receiving a reply to your text, apparently, dude Hit It & Quit It. It happens. A LOT. 😀 .. What do you feel ashamed about? You got laid too. \o/

        “What Happened” is that just like I say in every single post, guys want to get laid. We’ll sit back and let y’all females play games with yourselves until you give it up. None of it matters to us. We don’t want to get to know you. We don’t care what you do for a living. We don’t care how your day was. We either want to hook up with you or we don’t. We have zero girls, one girl or several girls. Whatever one of y’all isn’t doing, the other one is. It’s really not any more complicated than that.

        From what you wrote, I feel like dude let you go “blah blah blah blah blah” until you finally gave it up, which is what he had been waiting for and then for whatever his reasoning is, he doesn’t feel like tappin’ that again, so he can act like you don’t even exist.

        More importantly.. You’re starting to realize that you jumped out of the frying pan into the fire. You’ve been out of the game for six years, while guys like him have been doing exactly what he just did to you for the entire six years you were only with one dude. You’re swimming with the sharks.

        Eventually, you’re going to understand that guys can have sex with women we don’t care about, like or respect. You have to step to the situation like “I’mma get MINEZ and have a good time” or else you’re going to be kicking yourself like you are right now that you weren’t able to get this guy to call you back. WHO CARES if he calls you back? o_O You got laid… TWICE! 😀

        If that’s not what you’re in it for, I suggest you forego casual sex altogether.

        The single life is hatable for people that don’t love the freedom & opportunity of it.

        Your immune friends are right. Nothing you posted right here is a big deal. There are women that have gotten pregnant because they got Pumped & Dumped. There are women whose bank accounts have been siphoned by guys who claimed to love them and knew that this SUCKER was going to fall for the sweet talk hook, line & sinker. You went to his crib to get laid. You got laid. You need to figure out why you feel ashamed about doing what *YOU* elected to do and succeeded in doing.

        How do you prevent this from happening again?.. You can’t. You (and neither do I, and neither does anyone else) don’t have *ANY* control over what another human being elects to do. Guys that want to date you long term are going to say the same things to you as guys that want to smash it one night and never talk to you again.

        There’s nothing you can do about it. We know what you expect and we’re willing to feed it to you until we get what we want. On top of that.. Some guys are in it strictly for the sport, so there’s no point in hooking up with the same chick TWICE. You already know after the first time that she’d give it up, so there’s no excitement in it (other than the physical action, of course).

        What you *CAN* do and what you *NEED* to do is figure out if you feel like being involved in the Casual Sex game at all. It just might not be for you. \o/

        1. Hi Bill,

          Thanks for the insight. Its a little contradicting though that you said that a liberated woman is someone who doesnt feel about hooking up with anyone and have the perception of “Imma get MINEZ”. Correct me if Im wrong but a woman who just sleeps around with anyone just because she feels like it, is what one would call a “hoe”?? Really, the guys that just “hit it and quit it” probably thought that these women are “Whores”. Granted, im not labeling myself one, far from it, I met someone, thought he was sexy and yes hooked up with him. I do feel bad after due to the fact that I never expected my first sex outside of my LTR would be a one night stand. I never even had one and now I know. Am I cut up with having casual sex with anyone? Umm.. NO! I do however wouldnt mind, a friend with benefits. I never expected a relationship from this guy, maybe a booty call every now and then. I guess I just met the wrong dude that was hunting for something different than what I was hunting for. Nonetheless, thanks, I dont feel so bad anymore. It was fun while it lasted, it is what is…C’est La Vie.

          1. I understand why you feel like what I’m saying is contradictory.. Let me attempt to clear this up for you. 😀

            Your first sentence is correct. A liberated woman in my estimation doesn’t feel poorly about whatever she actually WANTED to do, because she WANTED to do it and she succeeded. In the case of a ONS, you might feel poorly about how it feels AFTERWARDS, but it isn’t like you were tricked into it. You made a decision to go over there. You made a decision to hook up with him. You made a decision to hook up with him again in the morning. All those things happened for you, so they’re all successes. 😀

            IF you were actually “liberated”, you would see them as such. It’s like when you go to work.. You plan to do something and if it works the way you planned it, it’s a success. Very simple.

            Your second sentence is also correct. Lots of people consider women that “sleep around” to be hoes. So what? o_O .. What does that have to do with your personal success? Nothing.

            I get and understand why you would feel poorly about the aftermath (the guy disappearing). Anybody would feel badly about that, feeling they had a good time together and why doesn’t this person want to continue that? 🙁

            My point is that there’s no contradiction in anything that I said or anything that you brought up that I said.

            There’s how YOU feel about what you did and then there’s how OTHER PEOPLE may feel about what you did, and neither one has anything to do with the other.

            Perhaps you were thinking that a “liberated” woman has some kind of control over men to make them call her again after they hook up. Nope. Guys don’t have that control over gals either. Nobody does.

            Your liberation comes from understanding and accepting yourself and what you honestly feel like doing. If you don’t want to get involved in ONS, good.. don’t. 🙂 If you’re cool with FWB, that’s fine too. 🙂 If you want to get into another LTR, that works too… ANYTHING works, so long as it’s YOUR IDEA.

            What I’m saying in general, throughout my blog posts is that guys know gals are trying to create these friendships or relationships and are willing to fake it until we can finally get laid.

            There’s nothing you can do about this, except for spending a lot of time with a guy until you personally determine he’s not gonna tap that & bounce. You might STILL be wrong about that, but at least it’s an educated decision.

            IMO, there’s nothing for you to feel poorly about. You’ve learned the lesson that guys aren’t necessarily your friends. http://billcammack.com/2009/04/19/making-friends-vs-getting-laid/ .. It’s a good lesson to learn, early on in your re-entry into the dating scene.

            The other lesson you learned is that the only difference between a ONS and FWB is that the dude hit it more than once. o_O

    1. Hey Mukaluk. 🙂

      Technically, you’re right. Technically, the guy is a slut as well.

      Unfortunately, WOMEN are the only ones concerned with being called a slut. Guys enjoy it. We’re not brainwashed against hooking up with as many women as we can get our hands on.

      We get more points if we have sex with multiple chicks at the same time.

      We get more points if they’re related to each other.

      Women can’t win the game of shouting “You’re a slut, too! :D”, because women are the only ones offended by the term.

      To a guy, all you’re saying about him is that he can get girls, which is a guy’s goal in life anyway. You’re calling him a success, not a failure.

      1. Can I add something here as a woman…

        Being a slut and having the reputation of being a slut are two different phenomena. I know women who aren’t technical sluts according to the definition but have slut-like public presentations and I know girls who are down right sluts or behave slut-like in bed but you’s never assume it. An important key word is PRIVATE. So I would say that it comes down to self presentation so that if someone were to attempt to air-out her downright or occasional slut-like behaviors, they general public would question it’s truth. I myself am not a slut, but I do have a high sex drive and do have some slut-like behaviors with the men that I selectively chose to sleep with, but you’d NEVER know it if you saw me out in public [ahem. it’s called the FORGOTTEN art of femininity]… and those who were lucky enough to experience my private slut-like tendencies knew if I caught any word of them trying to air-out my private business…ooh, they’d be banished like Adam and Eve from the garden of Eden (lol!)

        It seems like when women are concerned about being a slut, it really means that she is concerned that OTHER women will call her a slut, because, correct me if I’m wrong, but if a guy sees a woman as a slut he’ll still hit it but he’ll quit it just a quick.

        1. You’re right that the art of femininity has been completely lost, if not thrown away.

          The definition of a “slut” needs to be examined, though http://billcammack.com/2008/11/18/sluts-whores/

          Part of the problem with The Game is that guys don’t pay any attention to chicks they don’t want to screw, but then, if those same chicks give it up, the guys call them all sorts of names and low-rate them for doing exactly what the guys wanted them to do.

          The distinction, in my opinion, comes from whose power is being expressed in the situation. If it’s her decision to screw other women’s boyfriends or husbands, that doesn’t make her a slut, but actually a player. She’s conducting herself as she chooses, by her own free will, and she’s carving out her own niche in life.

          Unfortunately, however much it might be her idea, guys are generally going to see her as “easy” and use that descriptor to qualify or disqualify her from future engagements.

  49. wow. this article is so simplistic. I am pretty sure the author is 16. no better yet some guy who is 34 working at the mall chasing 19 year olds. In fact I find him just plain gross. Its amazing that someone who quotes the term “hit it and quit it” can write a self help article. kinda sad. I dont really think this has any real substance.

    1. Hey Jodie. Thanks for the comments. 😀

      First of all, 34-year-old guys LOVE to screw 19-year-old girls, so what you’re saying is a complement and not a dis.

      Second of all, if you scroll up a little, you’ll find LOTS. OF. INSTANCES. of dudes Hitting It And Quitting It, so it’s in your best interest to become hip to the game and realize that it can happen to you too, at any time.

      Third, the article *IS* simple, because The Game is simple. Guys want to get laid. If we have to lie to you to get it, that’s what we’re gonna do. If we have to act like we care about you to get it, that’s what we’re gonna do. It’s VERY simple. Whatever gets you to lay the **** down and spread your legs is what we’re gonna do and then after we got what we wanted, there’s no incentive to speak to you ever again in life. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you’ll have fun with the dating game or elect to remove yourself from it entirely.

  50. “Hit it and quit it” is a great phrase, replete with visuals. Not simplistic at all. And not gross; just the facts! It happens and Dating Genius explains again and again AND again the how and why, in order to help women better understand the game. So we can be happier. Better informed and educated. A little bit savvy and, therefore, less susceptible to being duped and/or dumped. If we understand how guys think then we can decide from an informed vantage point how we wish to respond for our greatest pleasure. Long term, short term, whatever.
    What is required is ridding one’s self of old inceptions and sweeping away the dead leaves of the past, our earliest formed expectations. One of my favorite Bill Cammack lines in DG is that “a woman’s panties shouldn’t fly off just because a guy tells her he loves her.” It takes a lot of hard work and reflection for most women to move beyond simply wanting to hear that. We want to hear it because we want to believe that we are special to our man. Guys know this and use it to their advantage. It is our (females) simplistic belief system that needs to be uprooted and replaced with reality. That creates a new playing field where an authentic relationship (to borrow from another thread on DG)can develop and flourish.

    1. That’s the essence of it all, right there, Christine.

      Women get used every day (as do men). The answers to “why?” and “how?” don’t exist within your original brainwashing, which merely sets women up as being accessories for men.

      There are no provisions in that for you to figure out whether he actually likes, loves or cares about you because that’s not relevant to you changing diapers, cooking food or giving up sex whenever he wants it.

      It’s just not in y’all’s job description to understand what’s going on. It only hinders the process of men attaining wives, creating & maintaining families.

      In fact, that might be something women need to start out with. If y’all understood that the system was built for *MEN* to enjoy their lives, of which women are only a single aspect, you’d understand your uphill battle. Being that you believe that it’s an even playing field (even though, to this day, women are paid LESS for doing the exact same jobs that men do and even though women couldn’t even VOTE until the 1920’s), you can’t comprehend how some guys actually see you, even when you’re in a relationship with them.

      Relationships have been going on since BEFORE 1920. Guys were dating and marrying women that they didn’t feel should have a say in ANYTHING of import.. Certainly Not who runs their local government or the entire country. How come THOSE relationships flourished? The guy could vote. The gal could not. The guy KNEW the gal couldn’t vote. The gal KNEW that the guy knew she couldn’t vote. Was the playing field even? Nope. Doesn’t matter. That’s not why she was hired. That’s not why she was selected as a girlfriend of wife. She was selected for the qualities she’s bringing to the table that her man doesn’t already have, and NOT because she’s supposed to be an “equal”.

      Ain’t that type’a party.

      Once you’re able to recognize what type of party it *IS*, then you can decide whether you want to be involved or not or make an educated decision to properly screen guys for whether they ACTUALLY see you the way you want to be seen or whether they’re just letting you play ‘relationship’ games with yourself until you decide to give it up, which is all they were talking to you for in the first place.

  51. Hi Bill,

    I would like to share you some love story here in my country. It is seem to be quiet untrue or funny, but yes. It is true story.

    For those who really don’t understand or deep-in-love at the first sight or giving your full of 100% heart to him could may think,..so.strange including me. When i read the article entitled, “107-year-old woman still in love with 38-year-old husband’. What?

    Here is some short of the story all about,
    The oldest woman located at the east coast of West Malaysia, and the Malay culture is best seeing here as 90% of the population are Malays, 107-year-old woman still loves her husband, 38, although he is undergoing drug rehabilitation for two months after he tested positive for heroin on Aug 12 this year.

    Although disappointed with her husband’s drug habits, she loves him for staying with her during happy and sad times. She said her young husband is hard working and helpful with the house chores including cooking washing and bathing her.

    Bill, in your opinion! Are love is blind or we are the blind of love!!

    Or i can only says, just like Kelly Clarkson song title, I Do Not Hook Up…

  52. Can someone explain WTF? Going on here… I met a guy and since it had been awhile I did sleep with him on the first night. I did that because it had been awhile and he suprised me I didn’t think we’d like one another. So he decides he wants a relationship I was hesitant at first because things moved so quickly but agreed. I met the family very early on which I thought was odd.They kinda gave me the 3rd degree because in their eyes he was some freakin innocent victim. Supposedly all his exs did him wrong blah blah blah… And used him for money… Blah blah blah. This is why I was hesitant. Im not materialistic, and everytime I’d see him he was throwin money at me. I was like don’t you see I love u… U don’t have to do that shyt. So I ask him am I a prostitute to you, I care about you for you( I know I sound like a damn afterschool special but this Is how I felt) I’m with you because you make me feel good and secure and he felt the same about me but still kept giving me money sayin this is another way he shows his love. Now this is how I know I loved this man. I have a healthy sex drive but not promiscuous at all. But he was impotent! I didn’t care, we clicked so much mentally, and he wasn’t even attractive, hadn’t felt this way about anyone in over a decade and a half. He gave great oral but I felt odd cause I couldn’t really get him hard but he was ok with that. He still wanted me. Everything was good till the Viagra came. He had heart problems and diabetes and wasn’t supposed to take Viagra. As I was riding him he wouldn’t blink and I tried hanging in there but he started drooling but at least he did get around to sucking my breast but after that it was a wrap for me. I thought I was killing him he look like he was in a trance like coma. So I got up and soon after left because I had to get home to my kids. So yea it bothered me because an old ex almost had a heart attack during sex. But I still love him and don’t judge him. Well a day after this happened he calls and says why did u stop and I tell him why, in a lovely way not disrespectful I told him I was scared cause I thought he was dying. Then outta no where he attacks me saying I’m nothing and lower than him. I’m like WTF? This shyt comin from, and then tells me he’s gonna date another girl because they have more in common. So I was hurt wanted to cuss him out but I just let I go told him I was hurt. So then he calls me later that week saying ” well we shouldn’t breakup but should take a break from each other.. Again I’m like WTF, so I was like ok but I take that as breaking up. So after many tears I go out with a guy nothin serious and he text me asking wat I’m doin. I tell him I’m on a date. He goes off sayin your not supposed to be with anyone. We’re on a date… I’m in love but confused as hell and about to turn lesbian quick. Is this common for impotent men? I cant build someones self esteem if they won’t let me and he’s a good person but I don’t know if he’s worth the time anymore. He says we on a break but calls me daily. Am I in the twilight zone? Help me please!!!!

    1. I think the first problem here is that women tend to automatically assume that because a guy’s willing to have sex with them, he considers them to be in some kind of “relationship”.

      Hooking up is simply a pleasant activity. You wouldn’t expect a guy that goes to a diner and has a good meal to ONLY eat at that diner, going forward… Sometimes, y’all are “This chick I like to have sex with” and not “My girlfriend” or “My future wife”.

      The reason I bring that up is that a lot of time goes into trying to figure out what a guy’s thinking, when lots of times, all he’s thinking was either “That was good and I want some more of it” or “That wasn’t so good, so I don’t really care whether I tap that again or not” or “That wasn’t good and I’m going to do my damnedest to avoid hooking up with this particular chick for the rest of my life”.

      He gave great oral but I felt odd cause I couldn’t really get him hard but he was ok with that.

      That’s not actually your problem. If there’s something about you that prevents him from becoming ready for action, that’s HIS issue that he needs to deal with.

      It’s funny that you mention heart issues.. I had forgotten that there was this chick I used to hang out with and I was scared to death to hook up with her because she had had heart surgery and I wouldn’t have been able to deal with being the cause of having to call the paramedics for her or worse. haha I’m being totally serious about that, not bragging like “Yeah, I causeS HEART FAILURE, SUNNN!!! >:D”.. I was literally scared that she might croak if I hit it, so I didn’t. 😀

      As far as his self-esteem isssues, I can see why he might become defensive / verbally abusive when you tell him the truth. People want to see themselves as “normal”, and anything that reminds them or suggests to them that they’re anything different will be rebelled against.

      Same thing with the “dating someone else” situation. Some people aren’t in touch with reality and want to have their cake and eat it too. There’s nothing you can do about that. Similar to the ED, it’s just not your problem. \o/

      As far as the lesbian thing, if you like chicks, you like chicks. Nobody cares. Do whatever you feel like doing. Make a videotape, whatever.. >:D

      Just realize that if you do that, it’s because you wanted to do it to begin with and you decided to act on your own impulses & desires. It’s not because one human male on this planet gave you a weird/bad experience and you decided that any interactions you had with males going forward was going to be exactly the same, so why not mess with chicks?

  53. Ok im listening to what your saying but I never initiated a relationship with this guy,HE wanted to be in a relationship with me, I wanted to hold off on that, but he persisted, so I didn’t make any assumptions. As far as the Lesbian thing i was joking but i can see how women get into lesbianism, because it seems it takes men a little longer to mature. Like when they start gettin fat bald and ugly and losing their teeth. You know like when no one wants them and thinks they’re a “stud” anymore

    1. You need to go read “Truth vs. Relationships”.

      What a guy SAYS doesn’t mean anything because he knows he can fake you out with it.

      We can say “We’re dating exclusively” and you fall for it and then we kick it with as many other women as we want because y’all all fall for the exact same tricks.

      You’re saying that he said he wants to be in a relationship with you, but you typed earlier that you asked him “am I a prostitute to you, I care about you for you”. What do you expect him to say? 😀 hahaha “Yeah, you’re a ho”?.. “Yeah, I enjoy screwing you, but don’t think much else about you”?… That’s not going to get him what he wants. “I want to be in a relationship with you” will get him anything he wants and guys know this and women keep falling for it.

      Try to focus on actions & behaviors and not words. Words come easy. They don’t mean anything.

      As far as your lesbianic estimation, I’m sure there are lots of women that stop messing with guys merely so they don’t have to deal with guys. If y’all have bad experiences with guys, it only makes sense that you’d try something else.

      As far as the “maturity” thing, I think that deserves its own post. What you’re describing isn’t maturity.. It’s DESPERATION. 😀

      Hugh Hefner isn’t immature. He can afford several young, hawt girlfriends and that’s what he pays for. Case closed. Women need to stop believing that it’s a sign of maturity in a male that he restricts himself to one female. It’s completely unnecessary. Guys will have as many women as we can handle/afford. Period.

  54. i hear you again but the person i was with was immature and possesive. There very well could have been other woman from the start but I couldn’t tell because he he called me daily so many times a day.When he dumped me he called me asked me “who was that you were out with today” Well this blog is a reality call and a reason i may be by myself and dont feel i need a man. I can’t take the time to have to figure out this stuff out, and guys sound pretty shallow. Wow I hope men who thinks its in their nature to play these mind games break these men “things” or rules down to their own daughters.I feel for the sexually abused or mentally weak females,in these mind playing situations.I’d hope men would think more with their hearts than mind in these situations with women. Remember we’re all human before al this male/female B.S. and we all have feelings. Like i always say don’t waste my time. Time is too short to be playing games and trying to “decipher” people who probably not worth your time.Thank God for the Jake Steed vibrator.This thing oughta hold me over for awhile. Oh yeah and this fool your callin “Mister Hugh Hefner mature” is blowin up my phone now have in mind i don’t call this knuckle head but I will be blocking his number today

    1. “Time is too short to be playing games and trying to “decipher” people who probably not worth your time.” – Amen to that!
      The trick is to get more experienced and efficient at identifying those kinds of folks. And to ask yourself, how did I get here, what role did I play so you can identify a wack scene sooner.

      To quote a female friend of mine in her 70’s, NEVER settle. He’s not attractive, he can’t have sex normally, but you click mentally so you’re in love? Sounds like at least one of you just needed to get laid! Hey, we’re all human.

      You can’t build his self-esteem for him or make him less angry about his impotence. That’s his problem. You went out with damaged goods. That happens. I wonder if he uses money for leverage because he can’t f*ck… anyway, sounds like some kind of game all right but it’s doubtful he even knows he’s playing it. As with most guys.

      1. Agreed with Steve.. Every situation like this is a potential learning experience where you can hone your radar for these kinds of things and make educated decisions sooner rather than later next time.

        Also agreed with “Never Settle”. Settling only leads to complicated situations when you meet someone that actually turns you on. o_O

        As far as your particular situation, Bout2, far be it from me to say whether a guy that YOU know and I don’t is mature or he isn’t. 🙂 All I’m saying is that women tend to chalk things up to “maturity” that actually fall under the category of “We don’t give a flying **** what you think and we’re going to do whatever we want to do”. Guys that bow down and conform to what women want them to do are called “mature” and guys that do the **** what we feel like doing are slandered, when, in fact, there’s no reason for us to do anything other than whatever we feel like doing, whenever we feel like doing it.

        There very well could have been other woman from the start but I couldn’t tell because he he called me daily so many times a day.

        I think you’re getting the picture now that calling you doesn’t stop a guy from calling other chicks or screwing other chicks. Back in the day, when I used to play the GF game, I used to have up to three simultaneous girlfriends. It’s easy to do when they all go to different schools and your boys know how to act like any girl they see you with is your only girlfriend.

        Well this blog is a reality call and a reason i may be by myself and dont feel i need a man.

        That’s right. You DON’T need a man. That’s part of the brainwashing. You needed a man back in the day when you couldn’t have your own job and money and home and fun and excitement. That’s over now.

        Wow I hope men who thinks its in their nature to play these mind games break these men “things” or rules down to their own daughters.

        Agreed. I don’t have any kids, myself. I inform my friends’ daughters and little sisters what time it is whenever I can. It’s all about making educated decisions. It’s not about scaring women into conforming and keeping y’all’s legs closed. If you want to hook up with a guy, that’s fine.. Just make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons and you understand what the potential pitfalls are.

        I’d hope men would think more with their hearts than mind in these situations with women. Remember we’re all human before al this male/female B.S. and we all have feelings.

        Unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that. Reader “Shannon” commented that men tend to date with their little heads and women tend to date with their big heads and hearts. In a general sense, she’s absolutely right about that. The more women deny the reasons why guys are checkin’ for them, the more susceptible y’all are to the games & deception.

        Oh yeah and this fool your callin “Mister Hugh Hefner mature” is blowin up my phone

        lolol Welp… \o/ You know what he wants. 😀

        It’s up to you whether you want to give it to him or not.

        Sounds like your plan to block/lose his number is a winner! 😉

  55. Hey Bill,

    I need some advice. About a year ago I removed myself from an 8 year relationship after finding out my ex got not one but two women pregnant. I uprooted my life and moved back in with my mother and went back to school. After 6 months of dating with no “hooking up” I realized I had unresolved trust issues and wasn’t ready to be in another relationship. Then a female friend of mines told me about an adult “dating” site designed for individuals interested in “hooking up with no strings attached.” So I created a profile posted a short bio and a short physical description of what I was looking for in partner. I found a guy, we chatted, exchanged medical history, we hooked up, it was awesome. Shortly after I deleted my profile. We ended up becoming a regular weekly late night “thing”, I always slept over (he liked to spoon) and I would creep out in the morning making sure I didn’t wake him. This was great for months but then one day he kissed me when leaving my house (I was shocked). Now I find myself wanting more time, more talking, more intimacy, just more him. We have fun together (in the house), have great conversations out side of “hooking up”, have quite a few things in common and share the same since of humor. I know that he has a ton of female friends thanks to facebook, but he hasn’t logged into the Adult site for months (I checked through my friends profile).

    Anyway what I would like to know is if this is a lost cause to want more anything at this point? Is there anything that I can do to have him notice I want more, or maybe find out if he wants more too? Should I just suppress these feelings and enjoy it while it lasts? Is it stupid to ask him out on a date after being a booty call for months.

    1. Hey Buxom. Thanks for the question. 🙂

      This is actually a completely different topic that warrants its own post. Hopefully, I’ll be able to write about that today. If not, then soon, for sure. 😀

      I’ll post the link to the new article when it’s up.

  56. Thanks Bill, It all makes sence now.
    I meet this guy online at 3.00pm, at 4.00pm went to pub for drinks and at around 9.00pm the same day we had sex. We meet a few times after that (had sex) and he said he would take me out to dinner the next night and never heard from him again.
    Look I think it was ok to sleep with him, I found him very attracttive and was feeling horny so I did it. My mistake was that I should have let a one night stand be a one night stand. I feel really shitty that he was the one who dumped me instead of me walking away first.
    I understand now why he never called me back, there was no real connection between us, and yeah I just wanted sex, was not particularly choosy.
    This guy and I live a couple of blocks away from each other and hang out at the same pub, I know I will bump into him again.
    Here is my question: If you have a one night stand (or a few nights stand) can you ever go back. If I see him out do I talk to him or ignore??? Could a man ever be interested in a women who did what I did later on????

    1. Hey Julie. 🙂

      Thanks for the question, and I’m glad you got something out of the article. That’s the entire POINT! 😀

      First of all, I disagree with you… You didn’t make any mistakes at all. You did what you wanted to do and you enjoyed yourself, up until the time that one of y’all suggested going to dinner instead of having sex and then that didn’t happen. That’s not a mistake on your part at all. You should consider that…. It’s a situation that was good for you until it went bad at the end of it.

      Second, it’s good that you own what you want and what you like and what you do. There’s nothing wrong with gettin’ biz ASAP, if that’s what you really want to do. Too many women guilt themselves out of living their own lives until it’s too late.

      I get what you’re saying about feeling poorly about not being the one to dump him, haha but you answered your own question. Y’all never had any connection at all other than y’all both felt like ******* each other. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s what *you* wanted and it’s what he wanted, too.

      It seems like he never had any intention of doing anything other than having sex with you. That would probably be why he bailed on going out to dinner, IMO (with the limited information I have). A lot of women make the mistake of believing that because a guy will hook up with them, he’ll spend time with them when they’re not having sex or making out or whatever. That’s often not the case. If he knows you’re not going to hook up with him, he’ll spend his time with a different chick that’s down with the program. It’s about the action, not the individual female.

      So, there’s no way that you would have walked away first. 🙂 You were still enjoying the situation. He was enjoying the situation, but didn’t want to get to him spending money on you or him “wasting” time with you where he wasn’t having sex, or whatever the issue was that caused him to bail.

      Sometimes, in life, we have to decide that we’re gonna ride this ride until it stops, nah meen? 😀 So long as this is still good for us, we’re gonna hang in there. As soon as it doesn’t work for us, we’re out. When you see things like that, there’s no way you can be the first one out the door, so long as everything’s going well in the “relationship”.

      hehe It’s unfortunate that y’all hang out at the same pub, which is why it’s generally a good idea to hunt far outside of your local area. That way, when you’re done with the person, you never have to see them again.

      As far as your question about whether a guy could be interested in a gal he already “pumped & dumped”, as it were… I say of course he can… Assuming he was ever interested in you in the first place.

      There are lots of gals that guys would have sex with, but never consider being in a relationship with. There are lots of gals that guys wouldn’t be friends with at all if they weren’t FWB and hooking up with them. The sex is like the price of admission to the “friendship”.

      Having said that… It seems like y’all had a good time together. 🙂 If that’s the case from his point of view, it depends on whether he’s willing to socialize with you at this point. Remember.. HE’S the one that ended the action, not you. HE’S the one that should be feeling self-conscious when you see him. He knows that he did you wrong. That doesn’t mean he cares about that, or you, but my point is that you didn’t do anything except exactly what you signed on for. He’s the one that flipped da script.

      One thing that I can tell you about these situations is that guys are concerned about chicks FREAKING THE **** OUT after the fact. BLAH BLAH You dumped me. BLAH BLAH How could you do that? BLAH BLAH Didn’t the sex mean anything to you? :O BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH Nobody cares about that. If he cared, he either wouldn’t have dumped you like that or he would have contacted you after the fact to see how you felt.

      So if you’re actually interested in pursuing either a friendship, FWB or “relationship” with this guy, my advice when you see him around is to approach him like “whatever’s whatever”. Water under the bridge. Y’all had a good time together, and then he did a stupid move and dumped you with no regard for your feelings. You’re over it, but you’re not going to forget it. You know more about who he is as a person now, so you’re going to utilize that information to make your future decisions.

      If you can step to him without causing a scene and strike up a conversation, if he can’t graciously talk with you, he’s a jerk and completely not worth your time. If you talk to him and he feels like “Oh! I’ve got it like that! I can have this chick whenever I want her, because I dumped her and she still came back for more! :D”, then it’s on you to use your information to decide whether you want to have sex with him again or not.

      You’re not stepping to him begging. You’re stepping to him as a woman who did what she wanted to do, enjoyed herself, didn’t appreciate the way he ended it, but is willing to get over that and see what kind of relationship y’all can have going forward, even if that’s “Hi” and “Bye” or not talking to each other at all.

      If he can’t respect that and be authentic towards you, he’s a HERB and he’s not worth your time or energy.

  57. Hi- found your blog by a random (and desperately sad) googling “why didn’t he call me after sex?”

    I feel rather stupid writing to you like this, but you make a lot of sense – at least way more sense than my friends (mostly girls – go figure). My story’s probably the same old, same old, but I think I need to hear it:

    I meet a guy (best friend of a friend/collague) at a party and went back to his place, kissed and slept and talked (no sex) till four pm the next day. He gave me his number, and I wrote to him.

    Had a second date (I guess – it felt like a date) tuesday where he cooked dinner: we talked and talked and talked, kissed a lot, second base, and talked some more. I really felt like we hit it off – and I shoved him a lot of *me* like you wrote about, you know, *who* I was as a person, so I thought that even though we might had stumbled into each other so to speak, this was perhaps something.

    It was the same story on our third date (friday – three days after the second) – lots of talk about our lives, favourite music, you know the sort of things, and then we had sex, and I left in the morning for work, happy, you know?

    And then – nothing. Or worse than that. I texted him at work and got an inane text about him and his friends’ getting drunk the following evening, and our mutual friend told me he was a player and was messing around with his ex. Sorry – did I get things completely wrong? I can’t belive the sex was that bad (pardon if I sound crude, but we did it three times that evening and I’ve never ever had complaints before). Did he just ‘play’ me? (In that case – a rather long-winded game, don’t you think?).

    The problem is also that when I told our mutual friend that we hooked up, she wasn’t very pleased – infact she told me she once entertained the thought of being with him too. Am I reading into this because I want her to alterior motives for me and him not being together? Or is it as the saying goes – “he’s just not that into me”? (But in that case – why the devil did he seem that way?) Or am I deluded, and the sex was really really really bad, and I should never ever approach another guy again because apparently I don’t know what I’m doing in the sack? (which I can’t believe is, well, entirely true ;))

    Help?

    1. Hey Kate. 🙂 Thanks for the comment.

      First of all, your mutual friend is egregiously at fault here.

      That should NEVER happen, that your friend introduces you to someone that they know, and then tell you AFTER THE FACT that that person is a player (or that that person is crazy, or that that person has an incurable STD, or that that person has kids and a wife, OR OR OR OR OR).

      Any time I’ve met a chick that somebody I know knows, I get the scoop on her, immediately. As soon as she’s on the radar, it’s like “What’s the deal with this chick?”. If nobody has information for me, that means that either a) they don’t actually KNOW the person they’re introducing me to, or b) they’re taking that person’s side against me in the situation.

      What this means for you is that (IMO, because I don’t know your friend at all) your friend helped dude get laid and didn’t look out for you AT. ALL.

      I’d be LIVID if somebody introduced me to some chick, and then after the fact was like “Yeah, I knew she was married” or whatever. Livid.

      Having said that.. Guys are used to playing this game. We have to do it every single time with every single chick throughout our entire dating careers. We’re down to hit it off the bat, and then we have to wait for y’all to catch up with the ******* program.

      Doesn’t matter if we wait an hour.. a day.. a week.. a month.. sometimes, several months. We know that sooner or later, you’re gonna give it up, and that’s what we’re waiting for.

      As far as your letting him know who you are, that’s good technique, but some guys just don’t care about anything other than getting laid with whatever chicks are hawt to them at the time. One, Two or Several, sisters, mother & daughter, aunt & neice, whatever. Action is Action.

      So, to me, it sounds like in this case, dude was just waiting you out until he hooked up with you. It’s not a reflection on you at all, because you did what you were supposed to do. You were up-front with him and talked about yourself and enabled him to make an educated decision about whether he wanted to continue dating you or not.

      The fact of the matter is that there are lots of guys that aren’t interested in relationships AT ALL. Doesn’t matter how attractive the gal is or how much money she makes or how much prestige she has in the town.. Chicks are Chicks, so guys do what they need to to get on, and then sometimes, they stick around and sometimes, they bounce.

      Once again, this is your friend’s fault for knowing that this guy was a “player” and not telling you that BEFORE you got involved with him.

      Another thing about not giving it up immediately is that a lot of guys can tell WHY a chick isn’t getting with the program. There’s a difference between “She doesn’t want to have sex with me” and “She wants to have sex with me, but is holding back until XYZ happens”. So, not having sex on date 1 doesn’t make y’all look like nuns. It’s more like you look like a rubber band that’s being pulled back and sooner or later, you’re going to be released and jump on him.

      Another issue is that some guys completely lose interest in a chick after they hook up with her. The sense this makes is that the challenge is gone. It’s like “I already tapped that. I’m not proving anything to myself by hooking up with her again”. So even if the sex was fantastic, dude might not come back for more, because the fun is GETTING it, not HAVING it or messing with the same chick over and over.

      So my point is.. I think the only ‘mistake’ you made (which you couldn’t have avoided, under the circumstances) was trying to start a relationship with a guy that only wanted to **** you, and apparently only wanted to do it on one day.

      The reason you weren’t able to avoid this (and this actually needs to be its own blog post) is that your friend didn’t look out for you like she should have. If your friend would have told you ahead of time that dude was “a player”, you could have made an educated decision about whether you wanted to hook up with him or not.

      In fact, I think it’s WORSE that you had someone in position to do recon that didn’t give you the intel than if you had met the same guy by yourself, in a bar or something, and you would have had all of your detectors firing, trying to figure out what this guy’s about.

      I have lots of female friends that I met SOLELY on the strength that someone I chill with was a friend of theirs. In some cases, chick1 that introduced me to chick2 isn’t even friends with chick2 anymore, and I’m still involved with both of them. If you can’t trust references from your friends, you’re better off treating everyone as guilty until proven innocent.

  58. Agreed. I have often scratched my head over why supposed “friends” would allow me to go into a situation they facilitated with no admonition or alert.

  59. I am in highschool. This guy and I had been “talking” for a while and one day he decided to kiss me:) he told me he couldnt have a girlfriend during basketball season, so i waited for him.

    Then one night we hung out and ending up having sex. i was a virgin…supposedly he was too. It was a good night and i dont regret it. I just dont understand why he doesnt act the same anymore.

    I see him in the halls and he wont even look at me. I have to chase him down some times just to talk to him. It hurts me because now i know that he has no intentions of having a relationship:(

    i am a very beautiful girl, and i dont understand why a boy would do something like that. I am hurt, not regretful. i just want to know why he is acting this way. Please help me.

    1. I’m sorry that happened to you, Cecilia.

      Unfortunately, your situation’s rather typical. Lots of guys say whatever they can to get laid and then don’t want to have any communication with the girls afterwards.

      I can understand why a guy might try to avoid a “relationship”, like becoming BF/GF with a gal he hooked up with, but I can’t understand why he wouldn’t want to talk to her anymore, especially if a) she’s still interested in messing with him, and b) she’s a cool person that he could actually be friends with whether they hook up again or not.

      Basically, the point is that it has to do with him and how he interacts with females. In a lot of cases, it has nothing to do with the gal at all.. Whether she’s attractive, unattractive, fat, skinny, athletic, old, young, intelligent, stupid.. Doesn’t actually matter. This story’s repeated daily, I’m sure.

      Your best bet, moving forward, is to meet guys that mutual friends of yours know, so you have some kind of reference for his character. That’s not going to PREVENT this from happening again, but I think it’s the way to go, instead of dating random people that have ZERO incentive to be nice to you before or after y’all hook up.

  60. It’s a little embarassing, but here it goes :-s.
    So i hooked up with this guy, and after he found out i was a virgin(i’m 21, he’s 25), he skipped all the one-night stand BS and actually showed a lot of …i dare say feeling. I kept telling him it wasn’t true, since we had been dating for only a month or so.
    We finally had sex, it went how it went…after I got over the pain and partially over the emotional cr*p, after my first time, i was really enjoying all the “activity”. he was still all inlove but kept saying i was too calculated and overthought things. another problem was he never finished me – oh yes he could go for a marathon of hours…but i didn’t need that, i’m not just a vagina; so i told him, i knew it would hurt his ego but hey, we’re in this together. after that and telling a couple of other things that bothered me about sex (i just wanted to talk to him), he dumped me. after 2 months.
    i’m just a bit confused. i’m not saying i wasn’t guilty of anything….it’s just… was i supposed to be better in bed? i tried i really did and i know i would of become much better; i feel i dated and f****ed a coward or an asshole, maybe there’s something about guys i don’t understand or i was another V-card.
    I really don’t want to make mistakes like this again.

    1. Hey Sonya. 🙂

      I was just having this conversation with a friend of mine. If a dude doesn’t finish a chick, that means that either he’s not aware of whether she enjoyed herself or not, or he doesn’t give a damn. Neither one is good. Either way, it seems like he didn’t ask. Had he asked and had you told him you needed more and had he not provided it, we would have had more insight.

      What your situation reminds me of is that a lot of guys aren’t actually concerned with whether gals finish or not. The whole goal is to get laid. The whole goal is to “get in”, so to speak. It’s the personal validation that you can pull chicks.

      I’m not saying this is what happened in your case, but sometimes, guys aren’t open to constructive criticism because you’re talking about something that wasn’t important to them in the first place.

      Optimally, hooking up is supposed to be a mutual event.. a give & get.. an expression of goodwill or love or lust or attraction or recreation or whatever it means to each person involved. In that case, when you express what you want, need or didn’t get, you should receive some action on that. He should WANT you to have the best time you could have.

      So, I wouldn’t take it personally that he dumped you after you told him you wanted more than he gave you. Maybe he wasn’t ready, willing or able to do whatever you asked him. Maybe he didn’t enjoy having sex with you. Maybe he DID enjoy having sex with you, but two months later, he met another gal that he likes hooking up with more, to the degree that he was willing to eject you from the roster instead of hooking up with both of y’all.

      Ultimately, individuals are different and life isn’t static, it’s dynamic. There’s no telling how people’s feelings and/or actions are going to change, from second to second. The best we all can do is learn from our experiences, roll with the punches, and come back stronger next time with the lessons we learned this time.

  61. I recently met this guy. A friend of one of my girl friends. We all started hanging out every weekend. I could tell he liked me, so I indulged him some with small talk and “the getting to know you thing”. Then recently at a lingerie party I gave it to him. The next morning he had to go because his brother had to leave? My thoughts is he wanted to leave, but that could just be my insecurity talking… or reality. Anyway, I told my friend to give him my #, so she did. He followed up with a “Happy Valentines Day” text a couple days later. We text back and forth a lil. All the while witty and in good spirits. He ended the convo. Meaning I never texted back. Then nothing. Idk if he is just in the wings waiting for me to call or if he’s just seeing if I’m a clingy one. Recently my friend came over and she was on the phone with him and he said to say what up to me, so I said what up back. So he initialized the hello, but no text. I’m wondering if this means he is uninterested. I came fresh and clean, so I couldn’t have stank, lol! The thing is I really feel a connection with him, so I’m taking it day by day. I don’t want him to get the impression I’m clingy, so I figure I’ll see him when I see him & we’ll go from there.

    1. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA lol @ “I came fresh and clean”!!! 😀 haha Good one, Chloe. 🙂

      The thing is, there are ranges of guys. We don’t all operate the same way. Some guys are looking to get married. Some guys want girlfriends, but aren’t interested in marriage. Some guys are interested in whatever girls they can lay and have no intention of calling them “girlfriend”. Some guys are interested in WHETHER a gal will give it up or not…

      If that’s the case, then once he gets it, he’s not inclined to get it again. Since guys’ minds work differently from gals’, whether we want to hit it or not has an incredibly powerful effect on how we interact with you. It’s like how women are multi-orgasmic and after dudes get theirs, it’s immediately like “on to other things! :D” or “off to sleep”.

      So, from what you said, it doesn’t seem like YOU did anything wrong, haha like NOT coming so fresh and so clean (clean)! 😀 .. It just seems like hooking up with you was all part of the game for him. Nothing to be concerned about. These things happen… often… daily… hourly…..

      If you give a damn, text him and invite him to meet you somewhere. Like, say you’re going bowling one of these nights and ask him if he wants to meet you at the bowling alley. If he’s not even interested in doing that, or he doesn’t offer you a raincheck (a different way y’all can spend time together), you can pretty much assume that he’s on to other things.

      No big deal. It’s all in the game. 😉

      1. Thank you Bill! I have actually been seeing him on and off for the last month. It’s kinda awkward cause he doesn’t call and hardly texts. And I’m not gonna give him more than what he’s giving me. We usually only see each other when our mutual friends get together. Thing is I like him a lot and I feel like he likes me, but maybe scarred to get too close. He also told me he just wants to have fun. He also told me I’m the 1st girl he’d been with since his ex a year ago. Which I know is true because his best friend who is a mutual friend told me. He’s talked about us all going out of town together and me meeting his fam & close friends. It hasn’t happened yet & I’m getting the feeling it wont. Tomorrow is my b-day, so our mutual friend is taking me out to dinner. I’m sure he will be there. He usually ends up showing up. Like he wants to surprise me or something or just see how I will react. Idk… ya’ll think we’re confusing! I don’t know whether to tell him how I feel or to just take it day to day & see what happens. Or just to say F it and cut him off, but I know I wont…

        1. Well.. Happy Birthday, Chloe! 😀 haha I hope it was fun. 🙂

          Focus on what guys do and not what we say. Talk is cheap. It’s easy to bag chicks with promises we never intend to fulfill…

  62. Guys lie. They lie and lie! This guy saying that you are the first girl he’s been with since his ex last year is the equivalent of a chick saying nothing “happened” when she was with a dude, which generally means the opposite.
    He already told you what you don’t want to hear. He just wants to have fun is a semi sweet way to say “be cool and enjoy the sex because that’s all there is and that’s all there is going to be.”

    You “feeling” like he likes you is simply what women’s minds do. They weave. They weave and weave the pretty story. Full. Stop.
    Once you understand that you will be so much lighter, and happier. You should laugh. Women try so hard to make something out of nothing with guys, time after time after time. If a guy wants us we will know about it. They will chase us down in predatory fashion and there will not be any guess work. Anything less, from women who “date” guys who don’t have sex with them, waiting for it to happen and wondering why it isn’t, to women who think they are dating guys because they have sex with them, is illusory.
    When women go so far as to spend time puzzling over the why’s (he’s scared, etc.,)of the non relationship status, and waste hours talking to girlfriends about what it might mean, that is simply pathetic.
    I’ve done it. I did cast the stone out of my eye beforehand.
    There is nothing to “take day to day.” You already know that if you take the fantasy to the extreme of telling him what you coo about with your girlfriends that reality will bite you in the ass and it will be game over. And you have admitted that you know you won’t cut him off. So where are you? You are in a painful limbo of self induced suffering because you refuse to see the truth. And you are not alone. But you can change it. You really can. Take a deep breath and learn to laugh, just a little bit, at yourself and at all women’s confabulations.
    We are just built that way. This is the upgrade to help you address the defect.
    *The mind is a terrible Master and a wonderful servant. xoxoxo

    1. Just about everything that Christine has said here is exactly what I would have said.. which makes sense, because she’s been down with my blog for who knows how long now, and part of my inner circle for what’s approaching a full year.

      It’s tough to explain to women that they’re tripping out because that’s how the chemicals in your bodies affect your minds, when y’all don’t believe that that happens in the first place.

      Meanwhile, guys know this and use it to our advantage every day of the year.

      You take the same chick and tell her “I haven’t been with a girl in a year” and “I just hooked up last night”, and you get drastically different sexual responses from them. It’s the same girl, the same guy, different mental information, different functionality.

      Once you get hip to the game, it becomes clear that lying to women to make them do what they’re supposed to do is the order of the day. Anything else is a waste of time.

  63. Thank you for this cynical captive on my story. I understand in some ways I may be illusionary. I may believe him for my own reason or just because I want to. And FYI: Women lie too. I know that if I said nothing happened when I was with a dude I would be telling the truth. So you just saying everyone lies is a good point, but not true to every person. Guy or girl. I understand when he told me he just wants to have fun means he just wants to have sex. I was fine with that. The reason I believe he is scared is because I have gone on dates and he’s known about it. Not from me telling him flat out. Just from our mutual friend telling him. I wasn’t out to make him jealous. I am an honest person and if I am asked I tell the truth. I know I shouldn’t expect the same from him. Me believing him has nothing to do with me being pathetic. If he was lying then fine whatever. It was the fact that he told me that after my friend had told me. It was a point that made me feel like maybe I could be a rebound even. Also, I don’t feel that we are dating. This is my whole point for writing this. I just wonder how he feels towards me whether it be in a friend way or something more serious. Because I definitely don’t want to keep liking him and giving my time to him if he doesn’t. I don’t want to just give up not knowing if he was just scared to get too close at first. Then I ruined a good thing. Sometimes you can’t just fall into the cynical line of life, because you never know what can happen. Not trusting someone right off the bat will leave you cold & lonely. Just saying because I have seen it. Thank you for your comment 🙂

    1. Hey chloe,

      your current situation is not all that un common because girls always assume that a guys likes them just because he hangs with you or does certain things with you (i.e sex). From a guys point of you we look at the broader picture, the first thing you learn as a guy in the dating game is that no one is perfect therefore we tend to associate our selves with a number of different females who meet our needs as a whole unit and not one by one. This is why i strongly urge you to go read bill’s latest post about multiple girls aka the roster.

        1. Without getting to deeply into this, Chloe.. Monogamy is a construct. Someone came up with it, and people bought into it.

          If you look at other societies, men have as many women as they can afford (harem).

          In the USA, guys have to pretend that they’re in exclusive relationships in order to get gals to do the right thing… Meanwhile, we have as many women as we can afford, as far as our money, time and energy resources allow us to maintain.

          Chicks are like “I have a boyfriend”, but they see that guy once a week, and he has different girls for the other six days of the week. All of them think they’re his only girlfriend.

          I’m not saying this is what’s happening to you. I don’t speak in definites.. I speak in probabilities and possibilities.

          In general, if a guy’s not trying to screw you every day, he has other girls to focus on. What guy wouldn’t like to get laid EVERY. DAY.??? o_O

          Years ago, when I was with my ex, I saw her EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. unless there was a reason for it, like I was working all day or she was out of town. That’s because part of my enjoyment of a day at that point in time was hanging out with her.

          Anywhere I went, she was with me, so my friends met her, my relatives met her, everyone that knew me knew that we were together. I got reports from my friends who spotted her places without me, on that very day. There was no hiding her. There was no NOT taking her places in public. There was no playing her to the left, like this was just my homey I happened to be hanging out with. Everybody knew that the two of us were a unit and extended her the same courtesy and respect they would have extended me if I had been there, because they knew we were tight like that.

          This is why, when I read all these “iffy” situations that women bring up on this blog… And you’ll notice that it’s *NEVER* males that ask these questions… I’m just like “If he’s not representing for you fully, you’re not as down as you think you are”.

  64. You are right, Chloe, that I am somewhat cynical. I know that trusting someone right off the bat is almost always a lose lose situation. Doesn’t mean that I don’t do it often, it just means that things go missing and I’m lied to a lot! But it is a small price to pay in order to learn discernment, to learn to keep that radar ON even though the idea of the pretty picture you want so badly coaxes you to turn it off, to snooze, and simply trust.
    You write you definitely don’t want to keep liking him if he doesn’t feel like you are his friend or something more. Yet, you don’t want to just give up and blow what might have been a good thing. To me, ever the cynic, I see that your faith that something could develop hinges on hope and that you’d rather not know than end it. An inauspicious read out on the eight ball might say “better luck next time.” And I think it is that, the fear of starting over, trying again, which keeps women holding out for crumbs, hoping, and in denial.
    In my many years of experience and from other women’s stories I cannot think of one time when it was really true that the less than eager guy in the cross hairs of a woman’s aim was just too scared to get close. You need to wash that man right outta your hair, Sista! There are plenty of other fish.

    1. Thank you for input. You say to wash him out of my hair, but I can’t just do that. I see him everytime I am with my friends. Also I need to know how he feels or where I stand “The Roster”. I already know he isn’t ready for a relationship and I’m okay with that. I just need to know if I am the only one feeling this intensity between us. I am confident I will find out this weekend. If he doesn’t feel that way then I will know it was all in my head and it will be easier to move on. He paid for my dinner party which lets me know he cares at least. Also I know the distance is partly my fault. I realize I have created a distance because my “radar” IS on. I do believe I am hoping for things to turn out good, but in the back of mind the reality lets me think differently. That’s why I will just keep doing me. I will still be that chick who knows she’s got it. Whether he does or not 🙂

      1. I know you understand this, Chloe, but we’re not picking on you. 😀

        It’s just that we already know what you’re currently learning or are about to find out, which is that words are absolutely ******* meaningless.

        You can kick down the doors, both guns a-blazin’, talking about “DO YOU FEEL THE SAME WAY I DOOOOO??? :O” and all he has to do is simply say “Yes”, and you’re going to eat it up like lemon meringue pie. Good to the last drop.

        Meanwhile, he may very well have 6-8 other chicks that he told the same thing, and none of youse will be the wiser until he fumbles or you outsmart him.

        I’m not saying that you’re NOT part of an exclusive relationship. All I’m saying is that you (or anyone else, male or female) might not be, and that’s something that the educated person keeps an eye out for so we can make decisions based on reality as opposed to fantasy.

        1. Thank you for your input. It is greatly appreciated. This is why I am on here. To get real answers. I understand I am probably not the only girl he’s having sex with. We never said we were exclusive. I believe the reason he stopped the “getting close” part was because it was getting pretty intense. I already know he’s not ready for a relationship. Me believing what he says has nothing to do with the reason why I got into bed with him. He told these things after. I realize guys do say and do things to keep you around. Which I do believe he wants to keep me around. He knows I’ve been on dates, so he knows I’m not thinking we’re exclusive anyway. My view on things now is that either I am on “The Roster” which I’m sure I am. So I just have to make sure to be the best I can be. All the while keeping my options open. Thank you guys for your real opinions. Most people just say well you never know & blah blah blah. So I really appreciate the feedback.

          1. That’s the ticket, right thurrrrr, Chloe.

            1) Recognize the game instead of believing the fairy tale.

            2) Put your best foot forward, instead of doing LESS for someone you want to eventually be in an exclusive relationship with when you find out he/she is dating other people besides you.

            3) Keep your options open so you don’t feel like you’ll have nothing at all if you bounce.

  65. Hey Bill i really liked your article it really helped me a lot. I have this sort of a problem and I wonder if you could help me . This guy that i like (that is a well known player) has asked me to come to his house for dinner and movies. We have hooked up on a few of occasions but never had sex. Do you think it’s just sex he’s after or maybe something more ?

    1. Hey, Shelly. 🙂

      There’s really no telling. As long as he finds you attractive, he definitely wants sex. The only question is whether he likes you enough as a person for him to keep spending time with you, whether you hook up with him or not.

      If you don’t want to hook up with him, you can eat and watch movies in public. People don’t need to go to other people’s houses to do that. 🙂

  66. So I think my story relates. Would like insight please. Dated a guy for a few months. We really liked eachother, he seemed like a nice genuine guy. Told him from the beginning, I like to take things slow. He said that was fine with him. After 3 or 4 months, we have sex. He came in one second! We tried again, he couldnt get it up! Tried again the next week, he couldnt get it up! He said “maybe this isnt working out”. We tried one more time, took 4 hours! And we finally had sex. The next week, hung out again, he was acting strange. Then texted me 2 days later saying he didnt want to be with me anymore. And he was pretty mean about it. Wrote me some real mean email. Was this a “grude f***” for him or what?

    1. Hey Jessica. 🙂

      First of all, if a guy waited 3 months to hook up with you, he was hooking up with other chicks until you finally got with the program.

      The obvious problem for you is that if he didn’t feel like what happened when he finally got with you was better than his regular jumpoff(s), your stock plummets. Immediately.

      If a guy decides that he doesn’t want to have sex with a gal or that he’s getting the same thing he already has with some other chick, there’s really no point in his pursuing her as a girlfriend, FWB or anything else.

      I mean, think about it.. If he had been “waiting for you” for all that time, he would have been dying to have sex with you.

      As far as him being a “two-minute brotha”, that’s what happens when dudes are like “OH FINALLY, I GOT THIS! :D”.. It’s like when you have an XBOX on layaway and you finally make that last payment and get to take it home. You don’t leave it in the box! 😀 haha You play it as soon as you can and get your satisfaction.

  67. Thanks for writing!

    However I do know for a FACT that he was not hooking up with other girls. Despite him having absolutely no game, he went and got std tested for me and everything. One of his excuses after he came so fast was “Well, I havent had sex in a long time”.

    So what about him not being able to get it up multiple times? I did make twice as much as him, and lived in a much nicer place, etc so do you think he was intimidated by me? Do guys care that much about that? Would that have caused this as well?

    1. You’re welcome, Jessica. 🙂

      First of all, I understand what you mean when you say “I do know for a FACT that he was not hooking up with other girls.”, however, your ‘evidence’ is severely lacking, being that it all came from the fox’s mouth that told you he didn’t eat the chickens. 😀

      Putting aside the fact that it’s insanely easy for people to lie to each other and get away clean with it.. Let’s assume, for the sake of argument, that he’s not hooking up with anyone but you, and his first encounter caused him to be a two-minute brotha…

      How much money you make and where you live is irrelevant as far as his physical attraction to you and his mental and/or physical ability to actually have sex with you is concerned.

      oh.. For future reference, males aren’t multi-orgasmic. If he does his thing one time, that might be the end of that kind of action for you for that particular evening.. as you found out.

      I would guess that his ‘problem’ comes from either a mental or physical disconnect with hooking up with you… As much as it’s propagated that all guys will screw any chick that spreads her legs, it doesn’t actually work that way.

      Attraction for guys is physical, chemical. That’s why porno will never stop selling. If he found out after you got undressed (IF you got undressed, haha) that he doesn’t like your body, he might PHYSICALLY be unable to direct the requisite amount of blood to the proper areas to allow him to have intercourse with you.

      Also, if he has some kind of mental problem with you that he hasn’t mentioned, that could block him, also. You definitely have an odd situation there, because he went ahead and got tested for you and he seems to be acting like he wants you to be his #1 or only love interest.

      Sometimes, it’s just an issue of square pegs in round holes. \o/

      This is why I find it amazing and ridiculous that dudes marry virgins. What if you find out you don’t want to hit it after the honeymoon night? o_O

      1. Thanks again!

        Well, when he ended things with me he wrote me an email explaining it. His main points were he said I wasnt affectionate enough for him, I never held his hand or cuddled with him etc. And I also usually had to be drinking to do anything physical with him. He ended it with “I was exclusive with you because I respected and trusted you”. He also said “I never cheated on you but Im moving on now”. Can you decipher anything further from that?

        1. Yeah, he suffers from ED….Erectile Dysfunction. Its easier to blame you than say his prescription for Cialis ran out.

          1. Well, the strange thing is he never in 4 months before this had a problem when doign things other than sex (hjs, bjs etc), so if he had ED wouldn’t he have had a problem with doing those things?

      2. Actually, Jessica.. Your last statement explains your first statement.

        The first thing you said was that you had to be drunk to hook up with him.

        The last thing you said was that he enjoyed it when you blew him.

        Women fail to realize that blowjobs are active and intercourse is passive.

        Blowing him indicates desire/interest/enthusiasm. Spreading your legs indicates nothing.

        This is especially true if you have to be drunk to give it up. I know chicks like that. When they’re sober, they don’t touch you at all. When they start getting drunk, they start feeling you up and kissing you. When they’re completely drunk, they drag you home with them.

        Hooking up with them is simply a matter of waiting for them to get drunk enough. It’s nothing personal. They would have dragged any guy home that they were hanging out with that night. There’s nothing exciting about that to a guy that wants to feel as if this chick really likes him, loves him, cares about him or is physically attracted to him.

        For those of us that don’t give a flying **** WHY a chick decided to give it up, that’s all well & good. For guys that want to feel like they’re in a relationship with a chick, the knowledge that she HAS TO BE DRUNK in order to sex you isn’t funny, interesting, endearing OR stimulating.

        Frank has an excellent point about ED, hahaha but why should a guy ‘get up’ for screwing a chick that has to intoxicate herself in order to spread her legs? That’s not attractive.

        Blowjobs are a different story because you’re actively attempting to please him, which seems to be something this particular guy is looking for from you.

  68. Not necesarily… BJs use a lighter form of stimulation other than the continual insertion and thrusting associated with actual intercourse. The friction levels and excitement levels differ. Not that theres a PhD after my name, just personal experience. Same way that some men can go an hour with the femal e on top and 3 minutes when they are doing all the work… (not my problem) Just saying!

    1. hmmm…strange you say that. Maybe he did have a problem and knew it. Because after he came in one second the first time he was like “i was trying so hard not to come fast that I ended up coming fast!” and he also asked me the first time “do you want to be on top?” I thought that was strange that a guy seriously asked me that before the first time having sex. So maybe he was aware he had problems!

      1. This goes back to what I said when I replied just now to your other comment.

        If you have to get yourself drunk and then lay down under him, what’s he getting out of that other than physical stimulation? o_O Nothing.

        From what you’ve said he said, it seems like he wants a gal that’s comfortable with having sex and GLAD TO have sex and WANTS TO have sex with him when she’s sober.

        Your being on top would indicate enthusiasm and proactivity on your part, similar to your blowjobs.

  69. and for the record (not speaking about you or your situation) I know a female who is easily in my top 1/one/uno as far as BJs go… but the sex sucked. Its not that she didnt know what she was doing or I for that matter…we just didnt click like that BUT I continued to get blown on the regular for quite some time. Sex is funny that way…the lead up to it can sometimes be better than the sex. I sometimes wonder if we had maybe had sex first we would have been more compatible. The stuff we did orally set the bar for the actual sex beyond high…

    1. I can always count on Frank to bring up stuff I don’t feel like bringing up. 😀

      Yes.. Another possibility is that, to him, having intercourse with you is WACK, and your blowjobs are on-point.

  70. My hit is that Jessica and dude are not from the demographic pool we are accustomed to addressing on this site.
    The facts that stand out to me are the paraphrased words about Jessica not being affectionate enough. Maybe this guy is really straight, really inexperienced and was looking for a serious S.O./wife. Maybe he didn’t feel that the intimacy was all that it could have been.
    Also there is more to the story, for nothing that Jessica wrote sheds light on the past tense of “he respected and trusted her.”
    I think when you add the “fact” that he mentions she had to be drinking to do anything physical, that this gentle, kind and probably earnest guy was looking for a devoted, probably Christian and conservative life partner. It seems that he wanted reassurance and afterglow and intimacy and that there is some role reversal here. An anomaly from the typical stories we encounter.
    My advice for Jessica? Inquire within if sex is meaningful emotionally to you, or do you perhaps approach sex more like a guy? If the latter is true, then it is just makes sense that you would attract guys with a more highly developed feminine side and be frustrated when they wanted more than what you were willing to offer up emotionally.
    You mention twice that he wrote “mean” E mails yet earlier you describe him as a nice, genuine guy. And you were worried if your higher income level intimidated him. Sometimes it helps to let go of feeling empowered and in control because of externals, and simply check in with heart energy to what the other person is feeling and take it from there. Developing a deep inner richness and openness, and paying attention to subtle messages and practicing loving are true wealth. I wish you well in growing your own ability to love. That should ensure beautiful reciprocation and deep mutual satisfaction in your interactions with others, beyond just sex.
    All Best

    1. btw what he said IN context was “You said you need a formal break up. I dont recall being officially bf/gf with you. I was exclsuive with you bc I respected and trusted you, but there was nothing formal about it”.

      Again, mean…

  71. Thanks for writing Christine!

    I see that you commented on how he used the past tense of “respected and trusted”. Are you saying that he wrote that because something happened with him no longer respecting or trusting me? I thought it was odd that he said that. The only thing I could think of is that I was still logging into this dating site we met on. I know his brother was on the same site. I wondered if he may have seen that I was still logging on. Maybe that is why he said that?

  72. Jessica,
    I feel you fretting. And what stuck out to me, glaringly, was your demand for a formal break up. Girl, we can’t demand anything in this life. Ask, yes, hope yes, demand, hellsss naw. It ain’t that type of party.
    So you gave him bj’s and had inadequate sex. Isn’t that humiliating enough for both of you w/out you writing him an office memo demanding that he formally break up? I’m not being cruel here, I’m suggesting that you let your guard down and learn the benefits of self deprecating humor. Don’t take yourself so seriously. Guys love vulnerable, quirky, child like, the REAL. Guys abhor being told protocol and controlled. I think you want to be loved, as all of us hope for. Just be cool and submit to your own pain and suffering and shortcomings and laugh at pretense and expectations. The guys will flock to you.
    Christine

    1. That’s my whole point.. Ain’t that type-a party.

      I got the past tense reference as well, but I think what she wrote in context indicates that he was explaining a past action, not that his respect for her was in the past.

      I get the same feeling that Christine got, which is that dude is a major straight-lace, and Jessica couldn’t offer him what he wanted from a woman.

      In this case, “what he wanted from a woman” isn’t sex.

      It’s sex that conveys interest.. attraction.. meaning.. togetherness..

      He wants what women normally want from men, but don’t receive because we only kicked it to them so we could hook up and care & love were never on the table to begin with.

      Some guys love it when chicks incapacitate themselves with alcohol and spread their legs easily.

      Some guys HATE when chicks do that, because the obvious implication is that they HAVE TO BE DRUNK in order to drag themselves to have sex with you. That’s not sexy. It’s not hawt. In fact, it’s disgusting.

      Think about if your parents never hugged you unless they were drunk… How would you feel about that? o_O

      So the guys that want to get laid by any means necessary enjoy the incapacitated / dead-fish ****.

      The guys that want to share a meaningful sexual interaction with a gal HATE what you do. There’s no reason to get up for that.

      Not to mention.. Depending on how much Jessica drinks and her tolerance for alcohol, she might not even REMEMBER hooking up with dude the next day. That’s not cute, either. :/

      Again.. dudes that just want the easy road to sex love that “I was drunk, so I gave it up” stuff. Guys that want you to actively indicate that you’re dedicated to turning them on and getting them off would much rather have you get your Monica Lewinsky on.

      1. Thanks for the reply!

        I understand what you are saying, but he’s not exactly the saint I made him out to be. A month into dating, he broke up with me saying im not affectionate and wouldnt even touch his d***. I panicked bc I did really liek him and realize I come off very reserved so I opended up, told him I really like him, that I think hes hot and gave him a hj. This caused him to keep dating me.There were some red flags here and there during teh months that followed.

        Around 4 months he started to get mad that i hadnt slept with him yet, said I was dangling sex like a carrot in front of him and had no regards for his feelings. I then told him I dont feel comfortable sleepign with someone unless Im in a commited relationship with them. He freaked out, said I was dropping a bomb on him, and said if I wouldve brought that up right before sex, he wouldve jumped off my balconey. He then said “im not ready to settle down yet, for instance, tomorrow night Im gonna go out do my thing, maybe meet someone, maybe make out with someone, yea Ill probably be trashed….”.

        I realize at this point I should’ve ended it, or maybe even opened up my door to my balconey and let him jump off or what not. But I continued on, hooked up with him etc. After the 2nd time of his unsuccessful attempt at sex, he said “maybe this isnt working out”. Again, I should’ve ended it then.

        But how can anyone be expected to be turned on by a guy after that?! The most ironic thing about this is one night I told him he wasnt very concerned with getting me off, in which case he responded with ‘thats what sex is for”. Apparantly NOT! (with him anyway).

        1. hehe I really don’t want to rekindle this thead, Jessica.. 😀

          However..

          If you “wouldnt even touch his d***”, you weren’t ever actually together in the first place.

          It’s funny how women claim to be in relationships with men that they’re not sexually involved with. That doesn’t actually exist.

          That’s called friendship.

          All the other girls he knew “wouldnt even touch his d***” also, so where’s the “relationship” part? 😀

          Basically, Jessica, the overall deal is rather simple.. Figure out what YOU are looking for in a relationship. Get to know a guy to the point where you feel like HIS WORD means something useful to you. Tell him what you want, and if he replies that he wants the same thing, and you feel like you can believe him, go knock your socks off and enjoy your relationship.

          Other than that, if a guy says it’s cool that you’re not hooking up with him, he’s lying.

          He’s just waiting for you to eventually give it up, and then he’s going to decide whether he wants to keep seeing you after he got some.

          If you’re trying to avoid sex, that’s cool, too. 😀 If that’s what you figure out about yourself, tell guys up front that you have ZERO intention of hooking up with them and you’re looking for conversation, camaraderie, dinners and long midnight walks on the beach. If he’s interested in doing that for you, he’ll comply. Otherwise, he’ll bounce, and your life will be better off for it. 😉

      1. some guys don’t want a relationship, they just want sex. in fact, there’s a great cliche about that. women use sex to get a relationship, men use a relationship to get sex.

        The fact is, if all he wants is booty, and you hand it to him, then…thank you very much, have a good day. he got what he wanted.

        The trick is to leave him wanting it, and make him take the time to really get to know you. then, if he falls in love with who you are, give him that booty. If he pretends to fall in love with you, and tricks you out of that booty…then, well played, my man.

        Most hounds aren’t going to stick around day after day looking after some booty they are trying to get. eventually they give up. that’s how you know he wasn’t worth getting on in the first place. If he’s pushing for sex immediately, push him away.

        I learned I don’t want to play hard to get, but I do want to be hard to get. people value what they have worked hard to acheive, including a position of trust, love, and respect. or sex. easy come, easy go, it would seem.

        now I just consider sex to be as intimate as it is. someone is going to occupy space inside my body? I will know that person very well, and what they intend for me. I will choose well, so as to protect my emotional well being.

        It’s tough being vulnerable in a target fixated world, good luck to you all.

        1. Exactly, Rebecca. Tricking women out of the bootay is the name of the game.

          The whole system is entirely target-fixated. This is what we want.. how do we get that, as soon as possible? o_O

          Unfortunately for women, more of y’all want to retire than the number of men that want to retire.

          The guys that have no use for actually being in a relationship can still use the fact that women are looking for that to great advantage.

          Sex is instantaneous. You’re either having it, or you aren’t.

          Relationships are long-term, yet easy enough to fake until you get laid.

  73. “…Most hounds aren’t going to stick around day after day looking after some booty they are trying to get. eventually they give up. that’s how you know he wasn’t worth getting on in the first place…”

    This right there is one part of the game women dont understand… If you have a timetable (dates/moths/whatever) on how long I have to wait to get some thats cool and all BUT dont leave me wanting it because as soon as you leave, IMA GET ME SOME! What I mean is (using the above as an example) its hard to say no, I wont do this if we have crossed that line and gone from feeling each other up to getting orally attached. Once I know what you look like (smell/taste) you are going to be hard pressed to say…enough we have to wait. Thats like going to McD’s and saying “Im only going to refill with the diet coke”…please unless you on a diet, regular coke will be in that cup at some point. Dont give me a hand job today, blow me tomorrow, dry hump me on wednesday and then say “ok cowboy put that away”! Not going to happen. If you have a set amount of time, then dont let me do anything other than hold your hand. Let me decide if thats enough… throwing me a bone and dangling the carrot as a way to keep me around will only backfire. Every guy out there will tell you, that given the right circumstances, they will INDEED wait it out and keep it moving once its gotten. Does that sound f*cked up? Well its no less f*cked up then teasing a grown man with the possibility of sex. If you have a set rule/standard…dont deviate because in the long term, u lose. Secondly, falling in love has nothing to do with how good the sex is/was. Thats why there are a bunch of miserably married women and men who are with a person they are not sexually compatible with. I can love you and hate the sex. Some people deal others dont. The above issues arent sex realted if you believe he just used her…its a compatibility thing. She wrote enough lil details to have one guess that somewhere along the way the light went out. (dont discount the ED thing. I know a couple of “dogs” that hop from one bed to another and I also know that some of the women they dealt with said it was a time issue. The less manly u feel, the more women you want.) Oh yeah, to get on point… Many hounds will indeed wait it out and then keep it moving.

  74. you may have mistaken my point for one of a less mature individual. I’m not a girl. I’m a woman. much like if I point a gun at you, I’m going to shoot you, if I’m touching you sexually, it’s because we’re going to have sex immediately.

    I don’t want to touch a stranger in intimate ways. I like getting to know people. players don’t have time, or interest in that, so they cull themselves out immediately. A regular guy who has similar interests as I do, will likely start to form an intellectual bond with me, because I’m a good conversationalist and well versed in my fields of interest.

    That right there is the jumping off point, somewhere during the process of getting to know a man, he will either begin to excite me, or he won’t. I’m just as upfront about chemistry building as I am about building a company, or a house. I learn and apply information at a very high rate, and am immature in my sense of humor, but otherwise, I’m a grown up.

    “tease” is the game of a child. I’m not playin, I’m living life in real time, as an adult with very clear motives. I also don’t want a relationship, so no motivation to “game”

    sincerely, if I were interested in a relationship, I’m smart enough to know that I should look toward someone who is also interested in that. rather than trying to trick, trap or tease a player into pretending to settle down. I’ve got no time for that mess, I trust my gut instincts on people. it’s dead on accurate. we all can tell when people are lying, just some people refuse to believe the information their instincts give them. I listen to my own heart first, and the words out of people’s mouths second.

    unlike a court of law, I don’t need proof to kick someone to the curb. they just go out like that, based on my own feeling of distrust.

    I don’t need other people, I keep good people around me because I enjoy and respect them. trust develops long before loyalty. By the time I’ve grown into a loyal friendship, it’s a “down for life” thing, in that, if the other individual never breaks my trust, they will always have my trust. and for me, betrayal is not “you failed to do what I wanted” betrayal is, “you intentionally did me wrong”

    I treat people exactly how I want to be treated, and if they don’t reciprocate, I don’t offer them any access to me at all. I don’t have to.

    I’m strong enough to maintain a very high standard of conduct for myself. I don’t apply my rules to other people, or try to hold other people to my standards. If you don’t have my trust, you simply won’t have access to me. I get to know people at my own pace, and don’t bait people. I barge right up and say what’s on my mind. haha

    seriously, though, this is a tightly closed loop, with very few ways to approach any kind of physical exchange.

    1. Everything you just said is what makes you YOU, Rebecca. 🙂

      There’s no way Frank would know that, because I’ve known you for many years and he’s never met you.

      Both of y’all are the real deal, as far as understanding what’s really going on. 🙂

      You’re also an anomaly, which is why Frank would react the way he did. Most women you’ll meet on the dating circuit are trying to blackmail you into something. The Game is whether you can get what you want without being tripped up by her stupid ideas about relationships.

      In perfect situations, both parties are physically attracted to each other and sex is imminent.

      That’s what happens between grown-ass men and grown-ass women. Everybody knows what they’re getting out of this event. If it continues, fine. If it doesn’t, fine. If it turns into a relationship, fine.

      Too many times, women try to bait & switch dudes, and then exactly what Frank said happens, happens. You just wait her out until she’s convinced that she’s got you under some kind of control or that you waited without sex (without sex WITH HER, but she thinks you’ve been completely celibate) long enough for her to give you a taste of water in the desert, and then dude hits it and quits it because by now, he’s spiteful that she’s put him through this garbage to begin with.

      Besides.. What’s she holding out on you for? o_O .. If she doesn’t want to have sex with you, she needs to be out on a date with a different dude that she DOES want to hook up with.

      We play a fast game here in NYC and don’t have time or interest in protracted situations. If you get that call for the date and then you’re wack, you slide down the totem pole to slot #5 or #6 and if I have nothing better to do, I *MIGHT* spend some time with you and it won’t be primetime, either. It’ll be like some “after-work” situation where I can bounce to some real action if you’re still frontin’.

      So, yeah.. We have a lot of game-players here. We have some chicks that are bout-it bout-it as far as getting their sex on, but the odds are that you’re going to meet one that wants to set up elaborate head games with you as if she’s the only chick in your little black book.

  75. So, that guy randomly texted me the other morning! Something about this tv show we used to watch together! Why did he do that? So confused…men are so confusing….

      1. Yea, but I’d think I’d be the last he’d contact for that after the problems we had. Surprised he even kept my number! I deleted his after he dumped me by text!

      2. I understand why you feel that way, Jessica. 🙂

        What I’m saying is that guys have problems with women every day. It’s the nature of the game. Y’all give us problems and we get around them.

        Believe me.. If he kicks it to a lot of chicks, he’s gone through way worse with other women, weathered the storm and got laid. He’s gonna stay in the pocket and see what he can do.

        He’ll stop contacting you when his interest in having sex with you disappears.

        1. By problems I meant “sex problems”. I would think after 3 failures with trying to have sex with me, he would have even more performance anxiety and not willng to face that again!

        2. oh.. OH!… HAHAHA 😀

          Agreed.. Totally Agreed, Jessica! 😀

          Dudes need to listen to their bodies (or whatever the problem is). If you can’t hit it, call it a day with the physical stuff. If you like her as a person, keep hanging out with her and enjoy her company, but yeah, forget about hooking up.

  76. Hi Bill,

    I loved reading your blog and thank you for your oh so honest comments!

    Here is my story first off I am bad for what I have done but it doesn’t ease the pain 🙁
    I have been in a loveless sexless marriage for over 8years. I know I am wrong in what I am doing but I have reasons for staying in my marriage and we have seriously considered an open marriage format…. In the meantime I ventured out to find companionship …met and started talking to another married man looking for about the same. He lives in another city so it was long distance. It was a platonic relationship we grew into good friends. We met once briefly when he came to my city to visit for a cup of coffee and it was pleasant. We have been talking talked for over year and half on the phone trying to meet up. He called me like ever week sometimes few times a week. Especially when he wasn’t busy..We had many conversations of what it would be like to get together and meet up. Sincerely I thought of him as a great friend and thought we had great chemistry. And all about the awkwardness of the first time etc… So finally we did meet up about 3 weeks ago. One thing led to another and we did it. I text-ed him after and asked if he thought the sex was good he text-ed back and said it was great. I haven’t heard from him since 🙁
    I am just very sad to have lost a good friend. I tried to text just to say hello but he hasn’t responded. Do you think I should just give up and try to forget…or do you think I should try to call and see why he cut off contact with me, just want a sense of closure thats all?

    Help 🙁

    1. Thanks for the compliment and the question, Aly. 🙂

      First of all.. Personally.. I don’t think you’re “wrong” for what happened.

      Yes.. Technically, you agreed to not hook up with other guys when you got married, but 8 years of no love and no sex http://billcammack.com/2008/12/22/sexless-marriage-awww-hellls-naw/ constitutes breach of contract, as far as I’m concerned! 😀

      Anyway.. What I think about your situation, the way you described it, is that he got what he came for and bounced.

      If you’re serious that you would like to have him back as someone to talk to, etc, then I think you should basically send him a message in a bottle, meaning a communication that you’re going to send out without being attached to whether you get a response or not.

      The reason I say that is that after hooking up with a chick, guys sometimes wonder what y’all are thinking, and if they feel y’all might turn into stalkers, they don’t want to talk to you anymore. If they think you’re going to keep clamoring for them to hit it again, they don’t want to talk to you anymore.

      Sometimes, it has to do with the guys themselves. Some guys just aren’t interested in hooking up with a gal more than one time in life. The fun is getting it, not keeping it. So that could be a reason he stopped communicating with you as well.

      So, what I think you should do is let him know that even if he doesn’t want to hook up anymore, you would still like to have the friendship you shared with him before y’all did your thing. If it’s not an issue of HIM not wanting to talk to you anymore, he might respond to that and y’all can resume your “platonic” friendship.

      If you feel like doing that and not receiving anything back from him, or receiving a negative response from him would be more hurtful than the situation is now, don’t bother. Just try pinging him every couple of weeks or months and maybe he’ll send a “hello” back.

      I think letting him know you want to rekindle your friendship is your best shot at closure.

      Good Luck! 😀

  77. Hi Bill, took your advice and called him. Lol, he acted as if we talked yesterday as if nothing was wrong. He said that he was just really busy. But he said the sex was awesome and that I didn’t need to worry. I told him he gave me a scare and that he means alot to me as a friend and would want to loose that.

    I really really love our chemistry and he makes me laugh and my heart skip a beat. More than I ever get at home…

    My only problem now is I think I am falling for him 🙁

  78. OK, my take. If you seriously want to have a “friends only” relationship with this married guy; you can’t ask him how the sex was. You can never bring it up again. Ever. Don’t fish for compliments. Don’t do anything that could be considered as a sexual come on. Bill is pure genius in his assessment of what goes on in guy brain regarding stalkers after one night stands. And, oh, I dunno…but I think you should be upset he didn’t call…and dump his sorry ass; after all, you were friends too, but that’s just me.

    You have been talking for 18 months. I’m guessing he is sensitive to you and senses you are falling for him “that way”. Hence, he doesn’t want to fan your flames. Plus, he may be feeling guilty about cheating on his wife. One can never know….

    On the other hand; men are fools for female flattery. He is thrilled “it” was good for you. If you sincerely want him to get curious, you should not contact him, not take his calls or answer texts, and basically cut off communication. His pride will be piqued, and in a few weeks or months he will send a “wuz up” kind of email. Then it’s up to you.

    As for the “falling” thing. Up ’til now this has been long distance fantasy. The reality is two marriages, sneaking around, lies, divorce, lawyers, children?…..changes of heart, perhaps your spouse has a lover…his spouse…money down the drain, std’s, maybe he has other women he meets…

    In other words, nothing good will come out of this for a long, long time, if ever. Perhaps he senses that, too.

    The good news is you have come to a great web site to gain insight in the going forward.

    1. ^^Everyting above (in regards to the comments by Bill and Kay) is so on point I cant and wont even add anything to it!!! But I will address the falling part… Its a FWB things, think about that. If you are actually “falling” as you think and say he is feeling the same, fast forward a year: He leaves her, he gets with you. He professes his love for you, you let the world know he is the love of your life. What happens that first night 18months from now when he is out hanging with his buddies and his phone is mysteriously off?? Its hard to shake how it starts… if you ok with the FWB thing, then dont ask for more.

  79. Kay, thanks so much for your insights…makes sense everything you said. Particularly since he hasn’t called me back after we last spoke 🙁 I think you hit it on the nail…he isn’t going to give me what I need…but your right it has happened to me before in past relationships when you ignore a man they get more curious…but whats the point…when they can’t be there when you need em 😛

    And Frank I agree to…if its FWB then leave it like that…but I just feel like if its only going to be on his terms maybe its not right for me after all …

    Again so many thanks to all for your insightful comments really needed it…and thanks for not judging 🙂

    Guess you live and you learn …

    1. You’re welcome, Aly. Good point, Frank. Good points, and thanks for the propers, Kay. 🙂

      Here’s the thing, Aly.. Y’all aren’t dudes.

      I don’t say that in a superior/inferior fashion. I say that because you’re biologically wired to become emotionally attached to someone you have sex with, and we aren’t.

      We can hit it, enjoy the moment and the action and the togetherness and the camaraderie and whatever else we got out of it and then NOT CALL YOUR ASS for the next two weeks, because the mental vision of us having sex with you hasn’t returned to our minds yet.

      *BEFORE* you give it up, HELLZ YEAH, we’re going to talk to you every single day, because we’re *ALWAYS* mentally processing how we think it’s going to be when we finally get to hook up with you.

      Once we do that, we know how it is. It’s that simple. It just doesn’t cross our minds. Whether we liked it or we didn’t, we KNOW how it is, regardless, and we don’t have to interact with you by text, phone or any other means to access that.

      For some guys, knowing how it is makes us come back for more. For other guys, knowing how it is means that unless we’re actually CRAVING you that particular day, either there’s no reason to contact you, or we’re not thinking about you at all.

      Some guys just want to hit it one time, period.. Just to see how it is, or to see if we can actually get it. That doesn’t mean we’re not going to be friends with you after the fact, but there’s no point in having sex with a woman you *know* you can have sex with.

      You’re not proving anything to yourself. You’re just going through physical motions. *yawn*

      So, there’s really no telling what’s going on here. All you know is that as a friend, you expressed to him how you feel and he heard you. What he does with that, going forward, will determine whether your relationship remains a friendship or not.

      As far as “judgement”, everybody judges everybody. What people are calling “judging” is actually “Acting towards me in a prescribed fashion BECAUSE of your judgement of the situation”.

      When someone crosses the street when the sign says “Don’t Walk”, I make a judgement about them.. several, in fact. That’s the way people’s bodies work.

      In order to get to the nitty-gritty of a situation, you have to focus on the facts. You can’t do that if you’re busy “judging” what someone “should” or “should not” have done or be doing.

      Good Luck! 🙂

  80. Wow extremely insightful and I so appreciate the opportunity to go inside the mind of a man.

    Didn’t really make me feel the way I wanted to …but at least I know that we are hardwired differently and not to expect any phone call or contact soon 🙁

    Nonetheless life goes on…hopefully tomorrow brings a brighter day…

    And your right about judging too…but at least you are honest about what you think.

    Again my many thanks to you and your subscribers!

    Will keep you guys posted on any exciting developments should they occur *lol*

    1. You’re welcome, Aly.

      See.. The problem with most “advice” is exactly what you said.. It’s geared towards making you feel the way you want to, *NOT* towards reality or logic or anything that’s actually going to change your situation for the better.

      If you walked out in the street and got hit by a car, it’s your ******* fault. Period. Saying that the cars were wrong for running you over, even though the sign said “Don’t Walk” and you walked anyway, is *NOT* serving your best interests.

      Unfortunately, that’s what most “advice” does for women. He’s wrong. You’re right. It’s his fault. You’ll find someone better. You should leave him…. These are all affirmations and make women feel really good about themselves, but make y’all even MORE vulnerable to the same screw-ups y’all did to get in that situation in the first place.

      I’m not TRYING to make anyone feel badly here, but if that’s what the facts to do you, then that’s what you need, because you’re not going to be able to change anything until you understand what actually happened to you.

      If a guy won’t commit, women’s advice is “He’s scared of commitment” or “He’s a juvenile” or “He’s a BOY, not a MAN” blah blah blah, when the fact of the matter may very well be that he has no reason to commit to you because he’s getting the same thing you’re giving him from 6 other women.

      Is that going to make the gal that’s dating the same guy as 5 other gals feel good? Nope. What it’s going to do for her is let her know that IF she still wants to be this guy’s #1, she’s going to have to out-woman the other 5 candidates, PLUS any random women he meets from now on. If that’s the game you want to play, go in knowing what time it is and get as busy as you can. If that’s NOT the game you want to play, you can bounce.

      Stupid advice that makes you feel good is like shooting you up with drugs instead of treating the actual wound.

  81. Aly:

    I am not as eloquent as Bill, and the reason I like his blog is he gives real world advice. We may not like the message; but I would much rather hear truths than feel goods. Truths make you feel good for a lifetime.

    Women and men may be hardwired to behave in certain ways; but you can certainly train your brain to reframe situations. It is amazing what a change in attitude can do. My take, on your situation:

    He hit it and quit it. So can you! He didn’t give you the attention; care, whatever it was you craved…so….right now, you quit it! You stop obsessing; because he is soo yesterday. Your future is out there. Always go forward, learning from your mistakes. When you adopt this rule, when you take the emotion out of it; meh…nothing to see here. Move on. He wasn’t that exceptional, he wasn’t super-human, (and all those other things we imbue men with when we ‘fall’ for them)…he’s just another guy who was looking to get into your panties. Sounds like you got some good sex out of the deal. Great sex is like a great meal; look back on it fondly. Find a new restaurant and try another. The world is full of men who want to get into your panties. Easily replaceable! Reframe who he IS to be exactly what he showed you he was. (Not the man you ‘hoped’ he would be.) Does that make sense?

    Wishing you the best.

    1. In fact, reprogramming yourself and reframing situations is the key takeaway from all of the situations I blog about.

      The point is that until you realize you’re not seeing correctly, you can’t change something you don’t know needs to be changed.

      If you keep relying on these old wives’ tales like “There’s someone for everyone” and “He’s afraid to speak his true feelings for you”, you’re going to keep repeating the exact same scenario and lose every time.

      If I tell you that there are 4-5 women for every single male in NYC, that’s not so you can get depressed if you live here.. That’s so you can amp up your game and recognize that you’re surrounded by viable competition for that ONE guy you’re trying to bag.

      Recognize Reality. Make A New Plan. Get Busy! >:D

  82. ok ok I get it…move on it was a good f#ck! like a man would say but it wasn’t everything…

    too bad I was delusional to think there was more..

    Well I am finding no issues with finding men to get into my “panties” lol, the issue is finding a good friend…but alas…thats why we have girlfriends right lol

    Its all good…and yes I did smell the coffee now time for a cup of tea 🙂

    1. lol, I think the point is first to know what you want and second, to know how to get it.

      As long as you look good, a guy’s gonna want to hit it, regardless. That’s a given.

      The “actually hang out with you” and “be friends with you” and “do stuff that isn’t centered around hooking up with you” part is the only question mark here.

      My opinion about that is that the best thing you can do is make a guy aware of what your personality’s like, so he actually considers you a friend, not just some chick he’s trying to bag.

      If he’s interested in friendship with women to begin with, he might put you on THAT list, instead of just the hookup roster.

  83. Just wanted to thank you for sharing your insight.

    Here’s my story:

    I’ve thought long and hard about what happened between me and my ex. I’ve had to face quite a few harsh truths.

    No, he didn’t hump me and dump me but he strung me along for a couple of years. He fed me crumbs and a half-ass on-again, off-again “relationship” and kept me hoping that it would be more. Yes, I was naive enough to buy his lies.

    It all boils down to the fact that I wanted more than he was willing to give me. I don’t understand why he just didn’t say, get lost or I’m not interested or lie and say I’m engaged or I’m too busy for a relationship. I’m over 40 and he is over 50. Sadly,I guess the game playing never ends. WTF.

    I think he was much more cruel by stringing me along and lying to me to keep me invested than if he HAD humped me and dumped me. Geesh. I’m not looking for marriage or to move in with any guy but I am looking for companionship. Yes, of course, that would include hot, passionate sex– but to me that also includes dinners out, hanging out together, developing a friendship and treating each other with mutual respect.

    Hey, I need my space and alone time and gladly give it to my lover. I have my own interests, hobbies and goals which I pursue whether I have a man or not.

    It’s confusing and I am trying to educate myself and take my head out of the sand. I’m still hurting but it is getting better. At the end of the day, he withdrew and I was chasing him. Of course, I didn’t realize that that was what I was doing. LOL. At this point I feel foolish. Oh, well. You don’t know until you know.

    I will do my very best to make better choices in the future, educate myself more about the dating scene and if a guy withdraws then I need to immediately withdraw, as well. Red Flag.

    Initially, I willingly chose to be with him after he pursued me for several months. I let my guard down and let him get close. I thought I chose wisely and carefully.

    I know I’ll never get caught out like this again. I’m lucky to have many dating options and I don’t need to chase any guy. Oh well, he was a much better game player than I.

    Thank you for listening.

    1. You’re welcome, Tammy. 🙂

      Don’t worry about the naive lie-buying and the chasing. It happens to the best of us. 😉

      In general, guys don’t a gal to “get lost” because they’re still sexually attracted to her. What’s the point in ending the relationship, and then you don’t have any physical access to her?

      I agree on the “cruelty” call. If guys know that gals are looking for something they’re not offering, they should enable them to go get that instead of making them wait around, thinking that it’s just a matter of time before he comes around and wants the same thing she wants.

      The thing about situations like yours is that most of the time, they boil down to “lies of omission”. Dude has ZERO intention of ever having only one girlfriend, but as long as he doesn’t explicitly state that, she keeps coming around and he keeps getting the sex.

      In fact, some guys go so far as to buy their girlfriends engagement rings because they know that’ll keep the sex available for another two to three years, and the thousands of dollars they spent will be well worth it in the long run, compared to having to spend money to wine & dine new women.

      The best deal is for both people to be on the same page, almsot from the beginning, which is tough, because a lot of people out there understand the game and are willing to do and say anything they have to do to get what they want.

      Good Luck! 😀

      1. Bill:

        Thank you for your answer. Lies of omission seems about right.

        I finally had to accept that he was not the guy I hoped him to be. I had to accept that I’d been strung along. I had to accept the fact that I’d ignored red flags.

        Acceptance is a beautiful thing but it is my acting on that acceptance that was even more beautiful.

        I didn’t yell, cuss or fuss. I stopped all contact, grieved and am moving on. I only wished I’d done it much sooner.

  84. Hi:),
    First I wanna say it’s really great to have found your website. I was googling and here I am.

    Well here’s the story.
    Around two weeks ago my friend and I went to a local bar which is famous for one night stand. We weren’t trying to get ourselves laid, just wanna dance and take shots. Then I met this guy. We talked and kissed and of course he invited me to go to his place. I’ve never done things like one night stand before so I gave him my number and left.

    The next day he texted me and invited me for a movie. Before the movie we talked and sort of officially introduced ourselves to each other. Before that I never thought I would trust him in any way, I thought I was just in for a free movie but after we talked I realize he actually had a really nice personality, and btw he was pretty good-looking. After the movie he did suggested again that I go to his place but I told him I wasn’t ready so I went back home. By the way Im 20ish and a student and he’s 30ish.

    Well since then he texted me every day sounding pretty sweet and sincere. Our next “date” was in a museum. He told he wasn’t in that club very often and the manager was his friend’s friend or something. We got to know each other a bit further and then he told me he’s leaving the city in like two months. Well truth is I’m not staying long since i have to leave at the end of the year too. So it was a lil bit uneasy to know that but I sort of decided to just focus on the present. I went home after we had a nice dinner together.

    Third “date” was yesterday, we got to know each other more. Well it’s really crazy and I know I sound really stupid but I can feel the connection between us and we are very honest to each other about who we are. So i ended up at the place he stays and we did it…three times…

    After the “morning session” we cuddled up in the couch in the garden and talked for like two hours.
    It was really sweet and natural. We talked about our hometown, our family and we talked about relationships. I asked him if he keeps traveling like this will he ever be able to settle down. He said he’ll just see how things work out. We talked about keeping in touch with e-mail and missing each other.

    So I went home in the afternoon. He then texted me to ask for my email and dropped me something like meet me in XXX (a place we mentioned we both wanted to go)

    I’m writing all this because I’m starting to feel that last night and this morning was like a goodbye. I know it’s gonna happen but I thought we still have two months. Then I started to feel I was dumped after sex. Which is why I’m here now.

    I havn’t heard anything from him after the e-mail and I’m not sure if he’s gonna text me tomorrow. What if he doesn’t? What should I do now?

    Sorry it’s so detailed. Maybe it’s because there isn’t really much going on between us, it’s only three dates after all. Anyways, really hope you could reply to my post as you did to the others’. That would really help a lot.

    Thank you and take care:)
    Ange

    1. Hey Angelina. 🙂

      Thanks for sharing that. And thanks to Kay for her words of encouragement to you, below.

      I realize that now, it’s a week later, but I’ll respond to your comment as if it were near the time that you wrote it.

      From what I just read from you, you did exactly what you wanted to do. You didn’t want to hook up the first time. You didn’t want to hook up the second time. When you finally felt comfortable with him, you agreed to go to his place and hook up.

      This was also *AFTER* he had told you (whether this was a lie or not) that he was leaving town in a couple of months.. So, while I understand what you’re saying, as far as “I know it’s gonna happen but I thought we still have two months.”, you didn’t hook up with him BECAUSE you thought you were going to spend two months with him, did you? o_O

      Didn’t you hook up with him because you felt like it? 🙂 In that case, there’s nothing for you to feel upset about because you both got what you wanted (assuming you enjoyed yourself that night).

      Now.. If you had said to him that you were ONLY going to hook up with him if he kept dating you for the entire two months afterwards before he left town, and then he did this, you’re right.. That’s breach of contract. That’s underhanded behavior on his part and you should feel upset at him for that.

      Since that doesn’t seem to be the case, it appears to me that both of y’all enjoyed yourselves and you should end up with good memories about the situation instead of poor ones.

      Another issue here is that he offered to hook up with you the first night he met you. Doesn’t it make sense that he offers to hook up with ALL the women he likes, ASAP? Doesn’t it make sense that he was throwing game at and probably hooking up with other women during the time he was waiting for you to come around?

      He was going to get it as soon as he could, and if he decided he wanted more, he’d try to get it again. It isn’t a reflection on you, it’s a reflection on him.

      I feel like you did what you wanted to do. I feel like you stood up for what you wanted and refused to hook up with him until you felt the time was right… I wouldn’t worry about whether you got to hang out with him for another two months or not. There are people who were *MARRIED*… for *YEARS*, and their spouses left them at the drop of a hat, with no explanation, so there are a lot of people feeling a lot worse than you are right now.

      Don’t worry about it. Use this as a lesson to recognize that none of us are guaranteed anything, and our goals in life should be to enjoy ourselves as much as possible during whatever amount of time we get to spend with each other.

      1. Hi Bill,
        Can’t believe I only got to see your reply today…which is like a month late? I thought there would be e-mail alert when you reply me but I didn’t see any lol…Glad that I decided to try my luck and come to your blog again:P

        Thank you for your reply, it makes me look at the whole thing with a different perspective. Guess you are right, I can’t really decide what he would do but I certainly did what I wanted. I should be happy about that.

        Well turns out he did text me that day, like 20 mins after I wrote you the comment:P and we continued to see each other once or twice a week after that. So Friday night at his place became some kind of a routine which both of us are getting used to. And according to him due to some admin issue he’ll be staying until December.

        So the whole things is kind of going steady, he calls me his girlfriend and we are getting very comfortable with each other. But now I don’t know what I want any more. I didn’t foresee getting this close to him and I’ve always thought we would just be enjoying ourselves in the two months and have a good memory. But now we suddenly have three more months and I feel that I’m growing more and more attached to him emotionally. But the reality is that we both have plans go to somewhere else at the end of the year, him Europe, me America.

        Basically feeling tells us that maybe there can be something more happening between us but reason tells us there isn’t. Sometimes he would casually bring up the topic of “future”, it all sounds natural, and beautiful but we both know these chats are just as meaningless as how good they may sound. He would also half jokingly tell me that he wishes to have chances to see me even after we go to different places. Sometimes I feel that we are this close to a serious conversation about what to do next but we are both too intimidated by the obstacles.

        So what should we do now? I feel that if we stop seeing each other now it maybe easier than doing it at the end of the year when we get even more connected. Is it the right thing to do?

        BUT… as weird as the next paragraph may sound after the whole chunk above, I still have to ask…is there a chance that I’m the only one that feels this way? Cuz despite everything one detail I’ve noticed is that he doesn’t quite enjoy me lingering too long at his place on Saturday. He would subtly hint to me that I should go home at 3,4pm. What does it mean?

        Eh guess I’ve asked too many questions today. Hope to get your reply soon…I’ll remember to come back here to check next time:)

        Thank you and take care!

        Ange

        1. Ange:

          The Saturday thing. He gets access to the most private part of you; but you don’t dare ask why he is sending you home on a Saturday afternoon? The one with all the power in this relationship is him. A relationship needs to be two way for there to be “one”. I know, I know; one day he is going to slap his forehead and realize you are “the one”.

          The short answer of why he is sending you home on Saturday is: “because you are not exclusive”.

          And if you like it like that, party on. If you don’t, move on.

          Men are really, really good at telling women what we want to hear. We usually stop bitching when we hear what we want to hear. We go bat shit crazy when we hear the truth. This is a century long problem; probably bred into both sexes. I’m not saying it’s right, just that it is. ; p

          Good luck and best wishes. You are worth it.

          1. Hi Kay,
            Thank you for your reply, and thanks for last one:P

            Well do you think I should ask him about being exclusive? Or is it meaningless to push a guy to commit? Or were you saying i shouldn’t even care cuz he doesn’t deserve it?

            Lol I’m sorry but looks like you are talking to a really confused girl:P

            1. I don’t know the specifics; just what you have written.
              Why only Friday? If you are his “girlfriend” you are every day.

              I am sure he enjoys your company. He enjoys knowing he is going to get laid, for sure, every Friday. Why would he mess this great thing up by telling you, “look, come the end of the year; we won’t be seeing each other any more. In fact, I have FB sexted two hot blondes in my new city, and I’m super excited about where that will lead!” The fact that he kicks you out on Saturday; with no explanation as to his weekend plans is a huge red flag. You are not his girlfriend, you are his Friday girlfriend. If you are OK with this, no harm no foul. If you are not; don’t get mad at him for taking what you were offering! Men will always accept! Yes, even if he isn’t all that into you he will still want to have free sex with you. He will never tell you this. Bill will. 8)

              What I am saying is that men will lie to your face. Your job is to love on yourself enough to know it when it happens to you. Then and only then can you make an informed decision as to how/if/why you think this particular man is worth you.

              Don’t ask. If you enjoy his company; enjoy it. If you feel like you are getting in over your head; explain it to him and then get out.

              Men fall in love, too. Find one who can. When you do; you won’t be confused at all.

              Best wishes!

        2. Hey, Ange. 🙂

          Kay has broken it down, rather PROPPAH, hahaha 😀

          “I am sure he enjoys your company. He enjoys knowing he is going to get laid, for sure, every Friday.”

          I agree with the vast majority of her other points as well.

          It’s not DEFINITE that he has a Saturday Girlfriend, but it’s DEFINITE that he enjoys getting laid every Friday, so we can assume he would DEFINITELY enjoy getting laid every Saturday too, so why not keep you around and boot you on Sunday? o_O

          It’s even worse if he kicks you out before tappin’ that again on Saturday afternoon at 2:35pm.

          If his next chance to get laid is coming up another six days from now, why not?

          hehe In fact, he may be attempting to recharge for Saturday night’s festivities, so he might not even take it if you threw it at him on Saturday.

          That would be QUITE the red flag, right thurrr.

          As far as this “future” talk, nobody owns a crystal ball, so all people can say is what they intend to do or what they hope to do or how they feel right now.

          It’s nice to talk about, but talking doesn’t guarantee anything.. Neither does not-talking. Y’all will spend a lot of time together or you won’t. Time will tell.

          The bottom line is what Kay said. “If you like it like that, party on. If you don’t, move on.”

  85. Hi Ange:

    While you are waiting on Bill’s answer:

    Don’t sweat it. Your life is wonderful and unique. Some random dude did not change that in two weeks time. What you are NOT going to do is mope over whether or not he calls. Let go of the outcome. If he doesn’t call, and you wished he did…it’s life. Happens to the best of us. If he does call; listen to your gut. Your gut is already sensing something isn’t quite right here. Take it slow and keep your eyes wide open.

    It’s possible he is getting scared that you will be too ‘into’ him, so he is pulling back to see how you handle it. Play it cool, have other things going on; don’t let him know how much fun you had. Once he senses YOU aren’t all that into him….he might just be all that into you. I know, stupid games, but…human nature.

    Be happy! Lots of fish in the sea, and all that.

    ~K

    1. Ange:

      I agree with Kay. Your gut/instincts are your subconscious trying to protect you from danger–emotional or otherwise.

      Ever watched “Lost In Space”. Danger, Will Robinson, Danger.

      Halt. Do not proceed. Red flags mean to Stop.

  86. im 25…i met this guy 4 yrs ago and we were attracted to each other met 2 times which included making out but because of church and the way i was raised i knew i couldnt have sex until i was married….so i decided to stop calling him because i thought at the time that he would eventually want to have sex with me and i couldnt give it to him at all! after that i met a guy from my church we got married pretty fast (which was a BIG mistake) and now 3 yrs and half on im seperated and have a 2 yr old girl! mind you i hadnt forgotten about the other guy…i had contacted him last yr to see how he was and found out he still wasnt in a relationship….we met up a few times and once again we made out….he knew my situation and just recently i told myself i was ready to have sex with him and we did…after that night we stayed in the car and spoke he said he wanted to take it slow and wasnt ready for a relationship which was fine coz i wasnt really ready for one either ive only been seperated for 4 months….im very attracted to him and i respect him very much for being honest with me…but im not sure what slow means? ive never had sex with a man other than my ex husband….and i dont want to have sex with any other men….anyway 2 weeks go by and we meet up again and we do it again even though he said the last time he didnt want to be physical and wanted to get to know my persoanlity more…since then he hadnt been in contact…i decided to see whether this guy was serious about me or did i F things up by sleeping with him! my friend called him from a private number pretending to be calling a wrong number ( i know stupid and inmature thing to do but i was so confused i didnt think it was stupid at the time) anyways he chats her up for a bit…she asks him if his in a relationship he says no she asks if his seeing anyone he pauses and says his talking to someone but doesnt know how its gonna go yet. as she kept asking him things i think he realised something was going on…he calls me straight after he finishes with her…but doesnt mention anything. the funny thing is that i had tried calling earlier that day and sent him a txt with no response. oh he also asked her to send him her number which she did with my ok…that way he wouldnt think its my friend. he did ask for her pic which she didnt send. anyway the night goes by and he texted me a few times but he also was texting her??? then at 5am (i was sleeping over at her house) he calls her and they spoke for like an hour??? i was so upset i started crying….im thinking why are u texting me and telling her u dont know yet where we are going and u want to get to know my personality more but u dont think of calling me to talk with me instead of her….i was so hurt. so yea he is confusing the hell out of me! if you could give me some advice on the situation that would be much appreciated
    thankyou

    1. Hey Marianne. 🙂

      I understand why you’re upset about this situation, but you should also be happy, because you pulled off an excellent operation against him. 🙂

      You didn’t get the result you wanted, but you got the truth.

      The truth is that he received a call from a chick he’s never seen before and kicked it to her, asking for her number and pictures. That’s all the information you needed, but texting her simultaneously and calling her in the middle of the night and chatting her up for an hour is quite a lot of icing on the cake.

      With the plan you made with your friend, you figured out that that particular dude is going to hook up with any chicks he can, as soon as he can. He doesn’t even have to know what they look like to start kickin’ game to them.

      The best part of what you learned was that when he wanted to talk to someone at 5am, he left you sleeping (as far as he knew) and called this new chick that he’s trying to hook up with.

      Steve’s right. You can’t mess up the potential of a relationship by having sex too soon. Some guys come to the table only wanting sex from a gal. Some guys come to the table only wanting to hit it one time ever in life. Some guys come to the table wanting a relationship. It’s all pot luck, really. The guys that just want sex aren’t actually going to tell you that.

      Kay’s right also. This guy’s doing what he normally does. You were lucky enough to catch him in the act.

      Unless you enjoy the idea of trying to be some guy’s girlfriend that has no intention of only having sex with you, it’s time for you to move on and focus on meeting someone that’s interested in you as a person, and hopefully interested in being a role model for your child as well.

  87. THe only one who is confused is you. He knows exactly what he is doing. He is playing with you Marianne. He is keeping his options open. You should be hurt your friend spent an hour with him on the phone! Wazzup with that?

    Guys do this all the time. There is no such thing as “taking it slow” if a guy is in to you. If he likes you he will come on like he does. If he tells you flat out he is not into a relationship, that means he is not into a relationship. If you give it up…he lives guilt free. After all, he told you! 😀 What part about that confuses you?

    If you wanna be friends with benefits, he will most likely want that too. Most player type guys can sense when a woman starts liking him too much. Usually he bails out of the “friendship” at that point.

    Good luck. Don’t beat yourself up. I know it’s painful, but take it as a learning experience and make your next decisions better…for you.

    K

    1. thnx for ur comment Kay…yea i was pree hurt that she spoke with him that long but im the one that gave her the ok to begin with so its really no ones fault but mine! yea it was def an experience

      thnx once again 🙂

  88. I dunno what Bill’s response is gonna be here but I don’t think it’s possible to F things up by having sex with someone you want to be in a relationship with. He doesn’t find you special enough to capture all of his attention, or maybe he’s just really into the hunt… it’s really as simple as that. Put it this way, he was single when you hooked up and he still is. If you enjoy his company keep hanging with him but he’s already said he doesn’t want to be in a relationship.

    But you want to know where you stand, right? Although you already know he doesn’t want to be in a “relationship”. And now you and your friend are involved in some elaborate entrpament scheme to find out what? Where’s that supposed to end? He already told you where he stands.

    Now, what if one day he wakes up and decides he really digs you and wants to get locked down. He can find none better and stops looking. Now you’d have to fess up about Operation Honeypot if you want to have an open and honest relationship. You’d have to be as honest as you’ve praised him for being. Can you handle that? As we’ve seen continuously in our own lives and in the media, coming clean after the fact and having it pan out right is a long shot. Does scheming on him still sound like a good plan?

    1. i admit it was pree stupid and yes i should have probably told him…but its not like he told me he talks with other girls while “wanting to get to know me and see how its goes” i guess it was a wake up call really time to move on and maybe one day ill find someone who has more respect for me and Bill was right i need a good role model for my daughter!

      thank you for ur comment 🙂

  89. Hello Bill,

    After experiencing the dumping after the sex thing, I started to look for some kind of explanation and that’s how I got to your site.

    I’m really glad that you give a real and good insight into the male mind. But most of all, that you take the time to answer and help.

    So here’s my story: First of all I live in the Netherlands.
    A good friend (male) and I went out for dinner almost a month ago in my hometown. There was a festival in town. After dinner we decided to go to the square where a band was playing in a tent. While standing there I was looking around a bit. And like 2 meters behind my friend I see this guy. He had the bluest eyes. I told my friend about this guy and we started to guess his name. The guy then came closer and stood almost next to my friend. We looked at each other occasionally. I decided to ask him his name to see who came closer in guessing his name. He spoke to me in English with an accent. He was from France. He had a bag with records he just bought. I liked it a lot as I also like vinyl.
    I introduced him to my friend and they connected well because they had several things in common. My friend sails and has got a sailing boat. The Frenchman also sailed, had a sailing boat and designed sailing boats. That’s why he was in the Netherlands. That friday was his day off as he was heading back to France the next day. We decided to go to a cafe. It was such a nice night. The three of us got to know each other a bit. He was so handsome, very intelligent, funny, polite and a bit shy. I fell in love.
    When my friend went to the toilet I told the French man that I liked him and then I kissed him. After I kissed him he went : wow.. He looked so happy. He told me that he liked me from the first moment that he saw me. So every time that my friend went to the toilet we kissed. I laughed every time he said that I made him crazy. He said that he never experienced anything like this before. Because he usually dates girls before getting to such a moment.
    My friend had to go home as it was getting late, he lives in an other town. So we waved him goodbye and went on to an other cafe. And this is were it got bad. I until then was still in a relationship (that was coming to an end). So when we got to that cafe I started to worry. Afraid I might see someone that I knew.
    He sensed that and told me that I had destroyed the moment. I tried to get back to the “moment” so I started to dance for him. He really liked that. I wanted to take a picture of him, he asked me to take a picture of us together. But it was too dark in there and my telephone has no flash. After that we continued to kiss and it got hot. He wanted to come back to my place. I told him that that wouldn’t be a good idea as I didn’t live alone. Then he asked me if I would like to go with him to his hotel, that was in another city. I told him that I had to get up early (this is true). So we sat somewhere outside and talked about my relationship. I told him about it. And that the reason that there was no future in that relationship was because I didn’t feel sexually attracted to my boyfriend anymore. He said that he experienced something similar. To make things short. He went back with me to my house. We had wild sex. Even though we couldn’t be too loud. It was so good! It’s true what they say about French men. After we had sex I told him that he had to leave because I needed to rest. We exchanged email addresses. It was as if he did not want to leave me. He kept kissing and hugging me. I liked him so much. When he left I waved him goodbye (it was 6 in the morning). As I was standing at my door, he looked back 4 times. He looked so happy. Blowing kisses. I felt bad that I let him go. And if I didn’t make enough mistakes, while lying in my bed, I wrote him an email from my phone. I was tired, and still had alcohol running through my veins. So I wrote: “Just wanted to let you know that I love you. Take care.” in that email. It was a short email. I asked him no questions in it.

    I don’t mind one night stands, I actually have always enjoyed them. It’s because I like sex a lot. Never fell in love that way, also the ‘friends with benefit’ thing is something I always enjoyed. It was usually my friends that couldn’t handle it as they fell in love with me.
    And now I fell in love. But it’s been almost a month ago and he never wrote back. If he would have written me that he wanted nothing from me, I would be heartbroken, but done with it.
    Normally I have a good feeling about things like this. So this has me confused.
    Did that email scare him off? Or was it the boyfriend thing?
    What I also would like to add is that he smelled really nice. When i asked him what it was he said, it’s actually a women’s perfume.
    So he might have a girlfriend. Or it’s a French thing.
    I really need to get back to reality. Because I still have the feeling that he will write.

    Thank you and kind regards,

    Katia
    (excuse my English, it’s just that i think in Dutch)

    1. Hey, Katia. 🙂

      I met a bunch of French chicks recently, so I know exactly what you mean about “The Bluest Eyes”… Stunning! >:D

      “I usually date girls before I get to such a moment” is an indication of how most guy’s lives go. Instead of women acting on their natural attractions to men, they elect to follow a script and play it off (incredibly poorly) as if they’re not interested in him until they figure out whether they can blackmail him into a relationship.

      Fortunately for you, you don’t have that problem, so you saw someone you liked and expressed yourself to him and both of you enjoyed that. Good for you. 😀

      “Destroying the moment” makes sense as well. Before you got to the cafe, you were expressing yourself freely. Once you were in range for people that you might know to see you, I’m sure your demeanor towards him changed, deliberately or not.

      I can tell you from personal experience that that’s a DRAG! 😀 You’re either down or you’re not down. Either one is fine, but let’s put the cards on the table and then roll. I’m not going to bother figuring out whether it’s cool or not to make out with you. We’re messing around or we aren’t. Don’t attempt to complicate things, because I’ll just bail.

      I’m glad you had an excellent time when he came over. 🙂

      While it’s possible that your email scared him off, since you wrote “I love you” in it.. I really think it’s more of a LDR (long-distance relationship) issue. I’m sure he enjoyed your company as much as you enjoyed his. The problem with LDRs is that they’re always going to suffer when there are women that live near to the guy that are interested in hooking up with him.

      It’s possible that he had a girlfriend and was happy with her the whole time, but wasn’t going to pass up having sex with a beautiful woman that liked him.

      It’s possible that he met someone new after he left your house. It’s possible that he specializes in ONS (one night stands). Just about anything’s “possible”. 🙂

      The point, however, is that both of you enjoyed yourselves and shared good times, and now, good memories. There wasn’t any discussion about the two of you entering any type of exclusive relationship, so, basically, both of you got exactly what you wanted.

      I wouldn’t worry about it if I were you, Katia. There are women that have been in way more committed relationships than the one you just described, like all the way to married with children, that have been cheated on and/or left by their boyfriends/husbands, so this situation’s a rather light issue, and it’s not worth being upset about.

      If you feel like you need closure, send him another email expressing how you feel to him… NOT meaning that you love him, haha, but that you’re wondering why he never contacted you and you’d like to hear from him and whatever else you want to express to him.

      If he still doesn’t reply to you, you have to use his non-reply as his reply to you. Does that make sense?

      Good Luck, and keep enjoying your life! 😀

      1. Dear Bill,

        First, I want to thank you for your reply. It was good to have your insight in this situation.

        It made sense that ‘his non-reply is his reply’ to me. And either way this provides closure. So I wrote him.
        He wrote back. He was confused that I had not received his email. Off course I do not know if there was ever a previous email.
        He definitely felt that there was something special that night and had not felt ‘alive’ like this in a while. Then he goes on about sexual stuff. That he found me very sexy and that his imaginations keep him awake at night. Oh and he is coming to Holland again in august. But would let me know as soon as he had more details.
        I know I should be happy that he wrote back. And I am. I just think I built him up too much in my head.
        The feeling that I get from his ‘letter’ is that it is about the sex. I can not blame him for that because that night was all about sex. I just thought he was more than that. So now I do not like him so much anymore, he seems so superficial. And I feel stupid about this, because I do not really know him and therefore I cannot judge about him. It’s just the way his email did not contain personal things. Maybe how he was doing or perhaps ask me questions about my life. Nothing like this.

        I am afraid this is not going to be a love affair, but a sex affair. This is not bad either. It is just less exciting.

        Thank you again Bill.
        You helped me regain consciousness!

        Kind regards,

        Katia

  90. While on this topic, I as a recently separated (after a fairly long marriage) have a couple of questions from the expert(s)here for a man in need of advice. I have never been a player and now find myself lost in this “brave new world” (to me) in a manner of speaking. Dating to find a new LTR is very confusing because many quality women classify me as a player right off the bat. Guilty until I prove my innocence and all that. The nicer and more polished my behavior, the worse the outcome. I am in my 40s doctorate with qualifications galore (Yes, I realize they are meaningless in the dating world) and good looking (per many neutral people) for my age, trim, etc., yet my success has been with very flaky or super needy/clingy or in one case emotionally unstable woman. These women want me for other reasons and one was ready to do it on date one. This made me uncomfortable and forced me to take a dating break. Now, after some time I think I have made a breakthrough (I could be wrong) with a nice lady. I play it low key and this time allowed women to take charge and become the hunter instead to some extent. Is this a bad idea? Will I make matters worse by letting the woman ask me out etc.? To use Bill’s language, is it OK for a man to be the one that rejects rather than the one that selects? I know Bill has discussed this, but I am not so sure in my case.

    1. Thanks for this excellent and important question, Jim. 🙂

      Being in your 40’s, what you have to realize is that while you were out of the game, the game changed, dramatically.

      Men that are looking for LTRs go off the market rather quickly, because there are so many women that are looking to sell out / retire / settle down.

      This means that in the late 20’s through mid 30’s, the guys that are actually interested in LTRs disappear, and all that’s left are “players”.. Some of whom are actual players that enjoy having multiple women, and some of whom are merely disinterested in committing to one woman, because there’s no reason to.

      You’re entering a space where a high percentage of the men that women meet are solely interested in trading money for sex.. Not meaning direct prostitution, but that the win for the guy is the sex and the win for the gal is access to his money.

      You’re also entering a space where a high percentage of the single women have fallen for the okey-doke several times already and have become jaded as far as a guy actually being interested in entering a LTR with them.

      So.. It’s partially their perception of “you” because of the men they’ve met over the years that you’ve been married, and partially their perception of themselves, as far as “this is all they’re worth, trading sex for money”.

      The key here is to meet women in non-dating environments. Meet them at business conferences. Meet them at after-work networking parties. Meet them because you both took an Italian or volleyball class, or whatever hobby you’re into.

      You need to meet REGULAR women that aren’t dying to sell out. If you meet women (not saying that you are) in bars and clubs when they’re drunk off their asses and falling over, these aren’t LTR women. Meet women at apartment parties and birthday cookouts and on museum tours.

      The type of women you want to meet are actually DOING THINGS with their lives, not staying home all day and then getting dressed up to go out to the club all night. Meet women in the afternoon and evening and you’ll have a much better time of it.

      As far as allowing her to take charge, that’s fine. There’s nothing wrong with that. You might be surprised, and she’ll come up with really fun and interesting events for y’all to experience, which brings you closer together.

      Either way.. The key is that you’re not desperate and neither is she. You have to NOT meet desperate women, which usually means they’re going about their lives, enjoying rollerblading or hiking or traveling or learning foreign languages or cooking or whatever floats their boat *OTHER*THAN* getting drunk at the bar and shaking their asses.

      Good Luck! 😀

      1. Bill:

        Those suggestions are really great ones. There is a lot of wisdom in that post.

        I have taken myself off of the dating scene until I am much more emotionally available. For now, I am educating myself more about how I can be a better partner and also what to look for in a relationship worthy partner.

        Presently, I’m getting more into my new business, enjoying my hobby, trying to learn French and learning to enjoy and love myself more.

        My new business is taking up a lot of my time but I’m hoping that by late next year (2012), I will be ready to find that special guy whom I can add to my life.

        Tammy

        1. Sometimes, that’s the move, Tammy.

          It’s not always “How can I move forward from here”, but rather “Let me just chill and get myself together and get back involved after I regroup.”

  91. Thanks for your input Bill, as I had similar feelings deep inside me. And you are so right about the “jaded or burnt out” part. One woman I met through a common friend was so spent, that she arrived for the first date looking like she just got out of bed! During the conversation, it was amply clear that she had not expunged any of her baggage because the discussion got stuck in that area and the past. I maintained my silence other than one usual “thank you” message right after. (the common friend did not know details).
    Six weeks after that solitary date, I got an email from her expressing interest in keeping channels open. While I understand her state of mind, I have decided not to let my personal life be a stage for risky experiments. I am already shifting my focus like you suggested.

    Thanks once again.

    J

    1. You’re welcome, man. 🙂

      The problem is that when we enter relationships, we feel like it’s suspended animation and we emerge on the same day we went in. In fact, times have changed, people have changed, standards have changed, and during that entire time that you had your one woman and she had you, the women you’re meeting now have been getting chumped off left and right and they’re pretty much over it and onto an entirely different program than what you were used to back in the day when you were kickin’ it.

      Once you start going to the right places and meeting the right women under the right circumstances, I’m sure things will be way easier for you.

      Good Luck! 😀

  92. To Jim:

    Times have changed and people have changed…and well, the older ones have baggage. (Kids and an ex, or a sour relationship). It isn’t as easy to be happy and carefree and hit it and quit it.

    In my humble opinion: Men in their 40’s and women in their 40’s are usually up against very sexist, and biased truths. (Wishing it wasn’t so doesn’t make it any less real.) Men are still looking for a hottie; women are still looking for security. If he got this far he is successful; if she got this far with an intact and tight body she probably cares about her appearance. Bonus if she comes with some cash. (As Bill points out in another column, most men don’t care.)

    The problem is the pretty women have been played by now; and wary of another player. A lot of the times, all that playing her has made her crazy. Or she IS and WAS crazy and is looking for a new meal ticket or a baby daddy or a drug pipeline.

    Problem for the guy is he needs to bring something other than a sex drive to the table. He needs to put away his magic mirror, as looks are secondary to his financial charm. If she is THAT hot, he’s gonna have to have an income to match. Or she be crazy; and that is the only reason he got a shot. He’ll find out soon enough why others have passed her on.

    By this time the players from both sides have polished their lines so much that truth and meaning are a sub-title that bears little resemblance to reality.

    Women who have great careers, sanity AND sex appeal usually won’t touch a man who isn’t exciting or loaded. This doesn’t mean she can’t get conned or seduced, but chances are slim.

    Men who are loaded or worldly and charming usually skew towards younger women. And usually those women are panning for gold…but that damned magic mirror….

    Anyway; point of my diatribe is it’s a jungle out there; carry the appropriate repellant.

    K
    (not bitter, rather jaded.)

    1. PREACH!!! 😀

      haha Excellent comments and points, Kay. 🙂

      The game doesn’t change, but the people do.

      Guys get jaded when their women leave them for richer guys, have kids that turn out not to be theirs, earn college degrees and then don’t want to work, let themselves get unacceptably out of shape because they got that wedding ring, and that’s all she wanted in life…

      It’s a cycle, where as the guys stop believing in the fairy-tale fantasy, they become more calculated and conniving. As the women stop believing in the fairy-tale, they become more focused and practical and EXPECT to get played instead of it being the other way around.

      So, as a non-player walking into a room full of sharks, you’re not going to have the same dating experiences as when none of you were sharks because none of you had to be or you hadn’t been turned into them yet.

      Pretty much, by that age, women have heard it all before. They heard all the lies about the white picket fences and two car garages and they didn’t pan out. They heard all the lies about being his only girlfriend and found out it wasn’t true. They became engaged, unengaged and then their man was married to some other chick 3 months afterwards.

      The bottom line being, as Kay most aptly stated: “He’ll find out soon enough why others have passed her on.”

  93. Hi Bill, I stumbled upon your site looking for answers to my situtaion. So maybe you can help me. Ive known this guy all through middle school and high school and I always had a crush on him. A very serious crush, but it seemed that things never worked out between us. Either he was dating someone when I was single or visa versa. We were always around the same group of friends. Yet him and I never were close. He had expressed to me several times that he liked me, but had a girlfriend at the time so it never evolved into something. (I feel mostly because of his part in this).. It had been several years since high school and he contacted me. We saw each other a few times, but again I was in the middle of getting back together with my ex and he seemed to be busy doing his own thing and we lost contact. 2 years later he contacts me again. Being as I viewed him I never getting together more his fault then mine I held off seeing him for several months all the while he swore he was a good guy and was just immature those years I knew him. So eventually I decided to hang out with him.. except I made a big mistake of mixing alcohol with medicine Im taking and we slept together. I actually dont remember any of it so i cant even tell you if it was worth it or not. And as Im writing this I can already sense what your response would be.. Long story short its been 2 almost 3 weeks since then. At first he kept contacting me first, but eventually its stopped. He did tell me over and over that he was busy with work and Ive tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. But now after this long I dont believe him.. I text him several days ago to see if he was busy and he said he was, but he really wanted to see me and missed me.. At this point Id rather he just tell me instead of me believing what he tells me when in reality hes already over it. Should I give up and move on? Did he really just want to “hit it” after all this time and thats it? Probably my biggest concern is whether or not you think it wouldve made a difference if we hadnt slept together. Or am I spending all this time worrying about what I did wrong when it wouldve turned out the same either way?

    1. He hit it and quit it. Move on.

      It is surprising to me that most of the questions on this thread revolve around women wondering “why” he is behaving in a stand-offish way. Clearly it upsets these women. Yet they are on a message board instead of asking the man in question.

      Seriously; sex with a man will not guarantee access to his emotions. If you don’t feel you have access to his big brain, don’t have sex with him. If you don’t care about emotional connection; enjoy the sex! Most players can easily assess when a woman is going over the edge into “I love you” territory. That is precisely when he will make his exit.

      Women have a steady arsenal to deploy against men, as well. “Take me to a nice dinner. Take me on a trip. Buy me X. Rub my feet. Fix my toilet.” Men do all those things and then wonder why we aren’t in love with him. The answer is because we are or we’re not, or we are deciding. Sometimes it takes a long time to decide. Sometimes we aren’t sexually attracted but we like the “stuff”. Sometimes we are sexually attracted but know there isn’t long term potential. Sometimes we don’t care.

      I feel 20 somethings are looking for different things than 40 somethings. I feel it is important to assess where someone is in their life before deciding to jump into bed with them. Typically any man at any age is down for any sex that is easily obtained. There are a lot of men who have a wife or girlfriend but want extra-curricular.

      All of this mumbo-jumbo about “when” to sleep with a guy, or “if you ruined it” is just mumbo jumbo. If he is really in to you; he will call and make you a priority. If he isn’t, he will put you in his roster of names to call when he is bored. If you like him a little; it makes his job easier. That is why he doesn’t want to get honest with you….”Hey, I like you enough to f*** you, but not enough to take you to my sister’s wedding.” (That would guarantee you would have a hissy fit and leave.) So…a good player keeps you hanging. He keeps a lot of girls hanging.

      It isn’t rocket science. Men who like you will let you know they like you. And even then, they want other women, too. The good ones will stifle this impulse if they want a committed relationship.

      As a woman; it is important to really love yourself first; and to know what you want out of life. There is nothing wrong with exploring and taking risk…as long as you know what the game is.

      1. It is surprising to me that most of the questions on this thread revolve around women wondering “why” he is behaving in a stand-offish way. Clearly it upsets these women. Yet they are on a message board instead of asking the man in question.

        All of this mumbo-jumbo about “when” to sleep with a guy, or “if you ruined it” is just mumbo jumbo. If he is really in to you; he will call and make you a priority. If he isn’t, he will put you in his roster of names to call when he is bored.

        ”Hey, I like you enough to f*** you, but not enough to take you to my sister’s wedding.”

        It isn’t rocket science.

        PREACH, Kay! 😀 hahaha

        That’s just it.. It *ISN’T* rocket science… Unfortunately, you can see from this eternally-lasting thread that it’s a persistent issue in the female community, while guys go about our business, never thinking about stuff like this at all. 🙂

    2. Hey Jessica. 🙂

      First of all, he always wanted to hit it. It has nothing to do with the timing of when you actually hooked up with him.

      As long as you look good to him, he’s going to be interested in having sex with you. That’s a given.

      Second, you need to examine your concept of “accidentally giving it up”. Alcohol and medicine are not excuses for having sex. http://billcammack.com/2008/09/05/alcohol-is-no-excuse/

      Third, there wouldn’t have been any difference between your hooking up with him and your not hooking up with him, except that he’d still be trying to get it. Some relationships dissolve because the guy has sex with the chick. Some relationships dissolve because the guy DOESN’T have sex with the chick. If a guy is interested in you as a person or someone he wants to spend a lot of time with going forward in life, whether you hook up with him or not isn’t going to be the deciding factor. However.. If you’re not doing it, the next gal will be, so your man might suddenly bounce. This happens a lot to women that are in relationships that break up and then a month or two later, “her man” is engaged to another woman or is having a kid with her. He was tappin’ that the entire time.

      There’s no point in worrying about anything surrounding this situation. It’s typical. Happens every day.

      I think it’s more important for you to examine whether you want to have sex or you don’t. If you don’t, don’t bother doing it. If you do, enjoy the times you share with guys, because it is what it is. Hooking up with someone doesn’t mean y’all are going to be in some sort of romantic relationship going forward.

      If you can’t enjoy the actual hookup (barring being so drunk that you forgot whether you enjoyed it or not) for what it is, don’t get involved. Make moves when it feels right to you. You’re the only one that can figure that out.

  94. My advanced degree gave me access to understanding molecular entities and inanimate objects. The world of human psychology and behavior circa 2011 feels like Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland to me, but a crisp reality analytically understood by Bill and others on this site. No long winded data and graphs; just clarity. Sometimes I wish counselors would imbibe some of this and move with the times rather than give 1950s advice.

    On the personal front, I am happy to report that Bill’s advice on meeting well grounded women worked out for me. I am building a solid relationship with a professional lady with overlapping interests. As Bill said, it has to happen on several levels and areas. Both parties have to be honest with each other and most importantly to themselves, as has been repeatedly pointed out in this site.

    Thanks once again.

    J

    1. That. Is. *FANTASTIC*. Jim! 😀

      I’m really happy for you, and Good Luck with your relationship! 🙂

      It seems like y’all started out with the proper foundation and laid y’all’s cards on the table, which is how everyone *SHOULD* approach relationships, but few actually do.

      Thanks for the props and thanks for sharing this with us! 😀

      1. Thanks Bill. I am also reminded of my teacher, the great Prof. Richard Feynman for the following two quotes which applies to life in general not just science. (I am quoting the essence of it).

        “It is better not to know and admit, (and even die that way) rather than pretend otherwise and live in fantasy”

        “The one most easy to fool is yourself, because you want to be fooled”

        The second one really hits it, as people are not honest with one key person…themselves!

        1. The first quote is key, Jim.

          That’s mainly what I’m trying to get across. There are indications of things that are obvious. If you choose to ignore them or automatically decide that their meaning is the one most beneficial to you, you’re setting yourself up to lose the same way again in the near future.

          What’s even worse is that people will TELL YOU what time it is, and people choose to ignore that.

          If a guy tells a gal that he’s not doing the “one girlfriend” thing, and she swears up and down that she has the Golden Ticket that’s going to get him to change his mind, good luck to her with that.

          There’s no way that she’s the first chick that’s tried to corral him into a relationship using sex. She’s probably not the best-looking gal that’s tried it, and she’s probably not the sexiest or smartest gal that’s tried it.

          The more women that are trying to sell out to a guy, the less incentive he has to actually sell out, because he has not ONE girlfriend, but SEVERAL, as they all put their best foot forward, thinking they’re going to defeat all of their competition.

          Is that a depressing thought for women? Yes. Is it potentially the truth of their current existence? Yes.

          I say it’s better for them to feel a little depression and then proceed with an educated opinion about their relationships than to believe the fantasy until it’s no longer sustainable and then be mad at the guy for never choosing to be exclusive with them.

  95. Hi Bill!

    Long time lurker. Until recently, I was in an LTR. Yes, I was here looking for advice but nothing along the lines of: “sex,” “disappear.” :/ So here I am…

    I met my ex (first bf), was hard to get (not sure if I was playing, whether or not I was that attracted to him (he seemed safe), too paranoid about STDs, or getting my heart broken etc), and gave it up a few months later (I was a virgin and he was inexperienced. Why else would he wait that long?)

    Recently, I met this guy through friends. On a gut level, I knew that I couldn’t trust him, and I don’t like guys that I can’t trust, …but he was looking good. He seemed like the type of guy that I’d always said I’d avoid-a player. 😛

    So we’re texting. Soon he’s telling me that he wants to be “friends with benefits” while he’s in the city. I start ignoring his texts. He starts asking about me through friends. The texts keep coming. I’ve never received this much attention from a guy before and it was overwhelming. I’d also never considered having sex outside of a committed relationship.

    He knew that I wasn’t DTF but he just wouldn’t go away??? So we flirted over text for weeks. I thought he’d lose interest and go away. Eventually, though, he wanted to meet me in person.

    We’d meet up a few times and then go back to texting. Right before he left, we met up at his place, and finally ended up having sex. I had every intention of backing out… (I didn’t want to wind up here asking… was I good? where’d he go?)

    The morning after, I wake up and he’s staring at me. (I hate this.) He tells me that he’s gotten to know me, that he likes me (why now?), doesn’t like goodbyes, then he started telling me do stop playing games, told me to start dating again, and then finally asks me if I like him???

    So what’s all this about? What just happened?

    As for the \o/… I doubt he had a good time. I insisted on condoms and he never uses them. Awkward. Also, I’m loud and talk too much.

    Looking forward to hearing what you think about this mess…

    TIA!

    1. Hey Tia. 🙂

      This seems like a typical situation of “Staying in the pocket” until you get laid.

      I’ll tell you now.. Guys don’t “lose interest and go away”. They either want to have sex with a gal or they don’t.

      Unless something physical changes about you, it’s not likely that they’re going to stop trying to get that, so you can remove that concept from your repertoire right now. 🙂

      As far as the condom thing, “Awkward” is better than “Dead”, Capisce? o_O

      It’s possible that he did have a good time, but there are some guys that are only interested in hittin’ it once. It’s like the thrill of the hunt is gone after that, and they’re like “meh”.

      As far as moving forward, if YOU enjoyed spending time with him and you feel like doing it again, chat him up and find out if he’s interested. If you’d just like some closure, you can ask him how he feels/felt and maybe he’ll tell you.

      In general, unless a dude is really interested in your personality (which can be easily faked.. his interest, not your personality) ye olde hit and run is always a distinct possibility.

      1. Bill, beg to differ only ’cause you didn’t say “most guys”. 🙂
        Guys CAN lose interest if they come across a better deal (maybe thats’ redirecting our focus) or if women give them good reason to mosey. Speaking for myself, if a lady comes across as high maintenance at the giddyap, nutty, ignorant, or blazingly stupid it’s a huge turnoff. It’s not something I ponder at all just an instinctual reaction to flee. Like, I’m done, out, I’m grabbing a beer and pulling the chute. She might as well have just come at me with a knife.

      2. Good points, Steve. 🙂

        You’re right that there’s a difference here.

        A chick coming at you with a knife is no reason for a guy not to still try to hit it. >:D

        hahaha That’s my point. Dudes (in general) will find ways around myriad mental flaws that females have so they can stay in the pocket and get laid.

        We’ll deal with her homicidal tendencies *AFTER* we get some! >:D

      3. Hi Bill!

        There’s a little bit more to this story… He’s in a relationship. His goal was to “have fun” while he and his gf are apart. (I know… :/)

        Do you think that he was “Staying in the pocket” until he got laid or she came back? We hooked up days before she returned. Was the dumping inevitable?

        Yes, I do want some closure but I can’t/don’t want to contact him.

        As for him liking my personality, after we hooked up, he said he did, he doesn’t like goodbyes, and that he’d figure out a way to see me again. Also, most of the time I felt like he was telling me what I wanted to hear just to get some. So you’re saying that this standard dumping material?

  96. Pookie, you start out with a feeling that you can’t trust this guy, you flirt with him via text to make him go away(?) and then you have sex with him although you were dead set against it. You end with, “Do you think that he was “Staying in the pocket” until he got laid or she came back… Was the dumping inevitable?” Did you actually get dumped or did he just break contact? That doesn’t sound like how he left it. I betcha’ he’s gonna call you right up as soon as his gf’s out of town again. Whether or not the sex was great it might have been better than whatever else he could line up plus he already knows your DTF no matter what you actually say. Actions louder than words.

    1. Hey Steve,

      I love to flirt. I got in over my head though… He was serious. So I ghosted. Then he’d keep texting…

      He told me to date. I took that as “dumping.” You’re saying he just broke contact?

      I used to be one of those girls Bill is bored with… You date her, call her your gf, (THEN she’s DTF), and she hands her life over to you. Not sure why I was DTF with this one.

      1. My bad, I misread that as him saying you two should be dating.
        If you got all in with the guy very quickly it’s likely it was more than he was looking for or thought he could make work. Him telling you to start dating could be his way of cooling you down and warning you off, you’re barking up the wrong tree… yeah, dumping is the word. I’d say something like, “sorry”, but is this somebody you really want to spend more time with, seriously?

        If Bill says the guy was staying in the pocket then he was. Period. It’s time’s like this that I really appreciate why some other dudes might like the sport of fishing. If you’re patient you will catch something. You can fish over here or you can fish over there. You might want to keep it, you might want to throw it back, but it’s all just a matter of time and hanging in there. Bear in mind, in real life a guy can “apply” himself in multiple directions. Were you the only person he was texting? I mean in addition to his gf who he got back together with. Whatever that means.

        Bill says feel him out if that’s what you want to do. Nothing to lose on that front, right? If you don’t hear back… well, closure is… often difficult to achieve and overvalued. Get good with not knowing what other people think and move on about your biz. Get a date with someone who’s more of what you think of as available.

        Here’s something to think about, you guys become friends and then, naturally, you are introduced to his girlfriend…

  97. The night before, he told me that he’d saved my number someplace because he had to delete it from his phone and that I might get a call sometime in the future…

    I didn’t rush into anything with him. I held out for a month. More importantly, I didn’t want anything from him. It had to end when it did for him (because his gf was coming back) and for me because I needed to get serious and date available guys.

    Not sure if I was the only one. He always seemed to be free. I would stop by unexpectedly…

    What I don’t understand is why he said “Pookie, I like you. I’ll find a way to see you. You should date. Do you like me?” What’s wrong with “Bye!” He said he wanted NSA…

    1. Pookie: There’s an extremely fundamental problem that females have in perceiving males’ attraction to y’all. It doesn’t automatically come with a “future”. Sometimes, it is what it is. Sometimes, dude likes what he sees, wants some of it, gets it if he can get it and then goes on with his regular life.

      I’m not saying that’s what happened to you, but if dude already had a girlfriend that was returning that he knew he was going to be screwing when she got back, not every guy can (or wants to) screw more than one chick at the same time.

      Meaning, a guy’s going to go with the best sex he has available to him at the time.. Not that yours wasn’t technically better, like you didn’t have better technique or a better ass than his girlfriend or whatever, but that the totality of his relationship to her, plus the sex, is going to make her his go-to when he feels like getting laid.

      I wouldn’t be surprised if you started hearing from him again (like Steve mentioned) when his girlfriend goes on a trip for a couple of days or when they have some kind of argument which causes her to stop giving it up for a brief amount of time.

  98. Pookie, I am sorry if I’m pointing out the obvious but this dude did/does have a girlfriend! A girlfriend that he is cheating on with you and who knows who else!

    He has shown himself to be untrustworthy and dishonest. PLEASE reread what Bill wrote in the post about qualifying a guy! And further more, no matter how sweet, intelligent, cute, etc you are, the fact remains that you are dtf with a guy who blatantly told you he has a girlfriend. Sure he’s a jerk for that, but how does that make YOU look.

    Let’s say he does leave his girlfriend to be with you, you are going to be paranoid about every chick you even just THINK he’s talking to or leaving him alone for any period of time because the fact of knowing that’s how you got in there will be haunting you.

    I say cut your losses, take it for what it was, and you can even blame it on the alcohol (LOL @ Bill, great post that was! ) but “Next!” him and move on girlie.

  99. I was out with a group of friends on Halloween night meant this great guy who happen to be a friend of a friend. We chatted thoughtout the night We hited of well…have the same common interest on almost everything. then him and I left to his other friends house…more like a after party. Long story short…I spend the night there in the living room with him by myside. and the rest of his friends scatter around the living room too. The next morning he ask if I want to go have breakfast so we did and hung out afterward…nothing happen no kissing or touchy feelings. So, a few days later he texted me and ask if it’s cool we can be friends.!! What was this about?? I really want to know if there was somthing I did to make him feel this way??? Can you explain?? I want to understand from a guy point of view.

    1. I’m inferring that you’re really into this guy but maybe he just liked the convo? Maybe he’s coming off of a bad break? Maybe he’s not attracted to you that way but thinks you’re cool? Maybe he’s got other reasons not to rush? Not really going to know unless you ask him.

    2. Hey Kelly. 🙂

      One of the things about the rap game, for guys and gals alike, is that you can’t expect that people have static lives. Their lives are dynamic. They meet people and scenarios change from one day to the next.

      Sometimes, you’ll meet someone, and they don’t have anything going on in their romantic lives, or as was mentioned above in these comments, someone has a GF/BF, but they’re out of town at the time, or they’re not hooking up with them right now, and their demeanor towards you is “all systems, go”, and then a couple of days later, they’re back in good with their regular lay, and they don’t have time or interest in redundantly cultivating a new one.

      So, really, anything could have happened. You just seem to be one of the lucky ones in this thread that’s concerned that dude DIDN’T hit it instead of that he hit it and quit it. 😀

  100. Hi there…I’m an (attractive) 28 y/o who is going thru a divorce after 7 years of marriage. We’ve been living separately for 4 months, he’s definitely moved on and I just started to put myself out there again. I recently went to a club with some friends and they introduced me to this guy. It seemed like he was there with someone, but he bought me a drink and got my number right in front of her. He was talking to me when he gave her the keys to his car and said she could take the car…I guess he thought he was coming home with me. I saw the girl give him a dirty look on her way out. I asked him what the deal was and he said it was his cousin. I laughed it off and said “that’s a sexy cousin you got there.” He said “Oh yea, you want me to hook you up?” and I said “nah, she’s not my type…” He asked where we were going and I said back to my friend’s house but basically I let him know it wasn’t that kinda party. He ended up leaving with his “cousin.” We spoke on the phone later that night for maybe a half hour, we got to know each other a little, I told him about how I’m a business owner and a college graduate, volunteer and a mother of one, and he shared a little bit about his life with me. He told me that night that I would be his girl. I laughed and said “oh yea? we’ll see…” The next day he called our mutual friend (whose house I was staying at), made some small talk and eventually asked to speak to me. I told our friend to have him call me on my phone. He sent me a text and said he wanted to see me, that we could do whatever I wanted. I ended up calling him when I got home, but I had my son so I told him I couldn’t do anything with him that night (of course I don’t wanna bring any strange men around my son) he said he understood…then I said he could come over and watch a movie with me after my son fell asleep…and he did. It didn’t take long for him to be all over me, I’m not gonna lie, it felt amazing, no one has ever kissed me or touched me the way that he did. But there was no way I was going to sleep with him that night, and I told him I wanted us to get to know each other a little better and I also made sure to let him know he was really good at what he was doing. We chatted for a bit and we fell asleep with him holding me on my couch. A few hours later his phone rang at about 3am, someone called to say his brother got into a car accident. Then a few other phone calls came in and he jumped up and threw on his shoes. He walked outside and stood at my front door. It looked like his world came to an end. All of the emotion left his face. He hung up the phone and said “I have to go, I think my brother just died.” I was in shock, I didn’t know what to say but as soon as he left I said a prayer for him and his family, and I sent him a text saying that they were all in my prayers and if he needed anything at all I’m right here. A few more days passed and our mutual friend asked me to send him a message and ask if he was ok and I did…no response, a few more days passed and I sent him a message just letting him know he was in my thoughts and to stay strong and goodnight. No response. The last text I sent was a simple “hey” a few days later, at this point I had heard the details of the tragedy and really just wanted to be there for him, if/when he wanted me to. No response. I left it alone. After about ten days he called me at 11:45 pm on a wednesday night. I answered out of my sleep and he asked if he woke me up, and said if so he could call me another time. He sounded so sad. I told him yes, I was sleeping, but I was happy to hear from him. I asked him how he was holding up, and invited him over. He mentioned the time and said, if I come, can I stay until the morning, I said sure, he said it would be good for him to get away. I was really happy to hear from him, and I was also excited I would be seeing him again, since I liked him a lot and I loved the way it felt when he touched me and kissed me. When he got here he looked sad, of course and I put in a movie and we sat on the couch. He cuddled right up to me and eventually started to kiss me and I saw where this was going. I wanted it as bad as he did, but I didn’t feel ready. I let him know the deal. He asked if we could go lay down and I said yea, it’s late. Of course, he started kissing me again and was feeling all over me. He asked me to give him a chance and he promised I wouldn’t regret it. I told him I didn’t think I would…It felt great and even though part of me didn’t want to go there yet, part of me NEEDED it..lol He fell asleep and I jumped in the shower, groomed–lol, and slipped back into bed. He started telling me he wanted me to be just his and he whispered in my ear “will you be my girl?” I told him that I liked him but we barely knew each other. He told me we could get to know each other. I said “well, I could…” and he said “no, it’s not that you could, you are, and that’s it.” Then he grabbed me and he started to kiss me again, asked if he could take off my pants and kiss me “there” I said yes, and he did, the next thing you know he tried to slip it in without a condom…don’t know what’s wrong with you men these days…He went and got the condom he brought and we started having sex…It was decent…But I thought I heard my son coming and that was an embarrassing interruption that turned out to be my dog! When I came back to bed I noticed the condom was broken. hmmm Again, he tried to go raw…saying I won’t get you pregnant, I’ll pull out…” hahaha, I told him I’d go see if I had a condom. I found one but it was one of those extended pleasure condoms that numb your shyt. It kind of fked things up, made the sex go on a little longer than it should have. I went down on him to try and fix the situation and ended up rinsing the numbing solution off the condom in the sink…ugh embarrassing!! As soon as I did that he finished…but I must admit it was awkward…I fell asleep in his arms and in the morning at around 9am he left. He kissed me on my mouth, nose and forehead and said he had to go and that he’d call me when he made it home. I said ok. He never did…The next evening I sent him a text saying “damnnnnn bby I didn’t hear from “may man” alllll day, I see how it is lol” and he responded an hour later with ” my bad bby” I responded with “whats up w/u” and hours passed with no response…Eventually I wrote “obviously you’re fulla shyt and didn’t mean anything you said to me last night, I gave you a chance and I regret it.” He never responded to that. I was really upset, because truly, I’m not used to getting played, and I don’t like the feeling. I went to go and pick up my son from his father’s house two days later and I ran in to use the bathroom. I saw condom boxes all over…I got mad and realllllllllly wanted to do me. But I had already given myself to somebody, and I figured why not get some more of him? I asked a friend what she thought and she said fk it call him and tell him to come over and handle it…So I called him, we said hello to each other, and I said “so whats up booty call?” He was like “what?” and I said “what’s up booty call?” and he was like “whoa, if that’s how you wanna see me.” and I said “well, it’s not really how I WANT to see you, but it is what it is, right?” and he said “well at least you’re honest.” So I asked him to come over and he said he had a few things to do with his mother and sister, but that he’d come by later. He never showed up…never called, never answered my calls or texts and that was that…Am I crazy? Him hitting it and never calling when he said he would after hitting me up at 11:45pm the night before was treating me like a booty call right? Do you think he took offense to this or is he just a dog? I sent a text saying I was lonely & only wanted him & I tried calling him a few days later and he never answered. I sent a text saying I didn’t know if it was what he was going thru (w/his brother passing away) or if he just didn’t want to talk to me, but to let me know. No response. Still haven’t heard anything…so I deleted his # from my phone. I’m pissed though…If he didn’t act so into me, and actually try to establish boyfriend status with me, he never woulda hit it, as much as I was feeling him. I guess he just said what he needed to say to get what he wanted to get….Thoughts?

  101. 1) That was his DTF chick he was with when you met him. The chick who you hang out with as friends but all parties involved know if he dont get somesome new, thats who riding with him that night! Thats why she gave you a dirty look…even she knows what her role is/was and she was a few hours away from getting some until you showed up. as for giving her the keys…no biggie! I had a roomate back in the day who also just happened to be mt DTF buddy. (unless of course he really was fucking his cousin in which case… :/ )
    2) I want you to be my girl! What better way to prove that was just his cousin? Not to mention, females fall for that almost A.L.L T.H.E T.I.M.E! No body (well no female) wants to be that person that from jump is just the booty call. Even when women know thats the case, they dont want the man to just rub their faces in it!
    3) Awwweee, emotional time for him and you shared an emotional time with him! ok.
    4) broken condom? he probably broke it when you turned around.
    5) Let it go! He did… until his DTF chick is f*cking someone else at which time you will get the call that starts “hey, Im sorry. Its just been an emotional time and I just need some time to myself. I know its 1130pm but Id really love to see you!”… you response should then be “dude, you know booty calls are made at 2am! this is too early… I need to to S.S and S!!” (shyt, shave , shower…if you needed that expplained)

    1. Frank is ONE HUNNID on his reply, Say.

      Chicks suddenly become cousins and coworkers and “social media friends” when a new chick arrives that you want to hook up with.

      It’s not in anybody’s best interests to say that y’all are messin’. Regardless of what you tell the new arrival, you’re still going to do what you do with the chick you’re with.

      One of the reasons she gets the benefits she does is that she knows to STFU and not put your business in the streets. If more relationships worked that way, chicks would be able to stay around dudes longer instead of having to get excommunicated for jealousy and cockblocking. 😀

      1. oh, really? so if I could just learn to STFU I’d get REWARDED with the PRIVLEDGE of getting to stay around a loser/walking STD for a LONGER period of time instead of having to get excommunicated?? What a concept! Where do I sign?? hahaha, shit, EXCOMMUNICATE MY ASS.

      2. lol, No.. I’m not saying that YOU would want to be that type of chick for a dude. I’m saying that that’s the reason why she played along with whatever line he told you, because she’s going to hook up with him either way, so it doesn’t matter what YOU believe about their relationship.

  102. Say: You have a degree. You own a business. Think of this experience as hours towards your graduate degree in “advanced dating after divorce”.
    How big is your house? I don’t believe having a man over; (who pretty much showed you he is playa from the get go), ‘cuz your son is asleep, is cool. Make him take you to dinner! Get a babysitter! Send son to Daddy’s house! Go to his place; check out his goods! Why is he coming to your house? I mean REALLY? He is asking you to be his ‘girl’, you are buying into this, and you haven’t seen his place of residence? Does he have a j.o.b.? What if he lives with Mom? He doesn’t care if you are cute! (BTW, men like ‘sexy’. Don’t define yourself as cute. Cute isn’t how men want to describe you to their friends. Girls say cute. Men say hot or sexy OR dtf. They like any of those, any time, so even if you are busted and dtf, they will say all kinds of nice things to you.) He cares if you are dtf. He doesn’t care about your son. He cares about getting laid. YOU should be caring about your son waking up and walking in on a weird (for your son) situation.
    Judge a man by his actions; not some lame ass text he sends you. Texts are meaningless unless he says “Restaurant X, I’ll pick you up at 8.” Other than that, meh. Plus, if he is really interested, he’ll call. And call. And call.
    You are new to the game of dating while having children. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You got played. Don’t take loser boy liar’s phone calls or texts anymore. Unless, of course, you are dtf with no strings attached. Hopefully, he is as hot as you are cute! Or has a wallet or car or house or job to match how sexy and smart you are. C’mon, girls gotta have game, too! ; o
    At the very least, you liked kissing him, and how he put his hands on your body. I’m thinking you should listen to Beyonce’s “Irreplaceable”, and start humming ‘to the left’ and keep your ego fully intact.
    Cheers!
    K

    1. As usual, Kay is spot-on with her comments. 🙂

      The “Have a dude over that you don’t know, with the son there” was a red flag for me as well.

      Also, good call on “be my girl”. It’s amazing how well that works on women. You reverse-engineer what they’re hoping you’re going to say and get to hit it on layaway (then, of course, never bother to make the payments).

  103. Hey Kay–Thanks for the feedback.
    “I’m too cute for this” is a saying, I’m sure you’ve heard it before, it doesn’t mean I don’t see or carry myself as sexy…

    Yea, you’re right I got played. That was clear, I was just trying to understand why…It is what it is; I’ve been outta the game for a while, and things have changed…People are different, and I have a lot of adjusting to do. I have to get good at giving a f*ck how much money a man has, even though I have plenty to take care of whatever I need/want for myself.

    I do care about my son and what situations I put him in…It’s true, I have a few degrees, my own everything and a business…but I’m also human and I have a heart I got caught up in the emotions of a divorce and the lonliness and depression that comes with it and just wanted some company on the level of what I was used to…(cuddling and watching a movie). He offered to take me to the movies and out to eat…I declined. I guess if I would’ve had him spend his money on me it would’ve changed everything. haha yeaaaaa right. It was bound to happen. I was an easy target, all vulnerable just waiting to get f*cked…and I did. So, there it is. I have to tap into the old me, pre-marriage when I used to know a thing or two about a thing or two…

  104. Wellllll, you claim you ‘just’ wanted some company and some cuddling to go along with watching a movie. You got it. Win/Win. I think Bill’s original post was about women getting all caught up in thinking ‘it’ will lead to more, or even a relationship. You had a great night. Right?
    If it’s a relationship you are after you need to get better at vetting the guys. Don’t sweat it, and don’t be hard on yourself. Real life experience is a pretty good teacher. If you want to spare yourself more ego bruising, I wholeheartedly suggest you read all of Bill’s blog posts. Aside from the education; it’s great entertainment!

    1. Once again, Kay has hannled the bidnezz. 🙂

      That’s exactly what I would have said.. You didn’t get played. You got exactly what you wanted. You hooked up with a guy you wanted to hook up with. He hooked up with a gal he wanted to hook up with. Win-Win.

      I think the problem here (and it’s a common one, Say, not just you) is that a lot of women confuse the games they’re involved in. Getting Laid is one game. Securing A Relationship is another game. Getting A Guy To Take You Out is a third one.

      Myriad times, I’ve heard from chicks that they met a guy they felt like screwing, did it, and then wanted to know how to get him to start taking them out. Why in the hell would he DECREASE his sexual access to her by wasting time taking her somewhere instead of hittin’ it? 😀

      Switching goals in the middle of the game is what a lot of women’s problems are.

      It’s like chess. You can’t start out with Ruy Lopez and then halfway through the game, play it as if you started with Queen’s Gambit.

      You have to finish how you start.

      1. Let’s forget about the dude referenced in this situation (because HE AIN’T SHIT~LOL) and speak in general terms…put me up on game, I’ve gained a ridiculous amount of knowledge from reading this blog…On one hand you say (over and over) “it doesn’t matter how fast you give it up, and all that waiting bs is just bs, as long as you create value, and they establish value etc.” On the other hand you say once he hit it, “why would he waste time taking her somewhere instead of hittin it.”
        This is kind of confusing for me…What if you want to sleep with him, you’re ready to sleep with him, but you also might want more out of it? You can’t just tell him you want more, because he’s going to say whatever is necessary to get what he wants. Of course I’ve been schooled to make him wait from a young age, and that always worked in the past. I always turned a situation into whatever I wanted it to be…Literally…I realize that’s not always the case, but can you explain the conflicting ideas here?

        1. Sorry for getting to this so late, Say.

          That’s an excellent question, that actually requires its own blog post. I might try to write that today. 🙂

          Basically, what I’m saying is that the two events are intertwined, but not definitely connected to each other.

          If he likes you as a person, he’ll want to take you out, even after he gets on.

          If he doesn’t like you as a person, he’ll take you out until he gets some, and then the relationship becomes “I’ll call you when I want to get laid”.

          His money and “going out” time is spent on new chicks that he’s trying to bag.

          That’s my point about demonstrating value. Guys *LIKE* to go out with women that look good and act properly when you’re in public with them.

          What I’m saying is to not confuse THAT situation with guys that are just baiting the hook and spending the money and time they need to spend to get some.

  105. I wasn’t looking for a relationship…my divorce isn’t even final yet…But I was looking for something respectful…whether or not sex was involved. Lying to get some ass and then disappearing wasn’t what I had in mind. I’m not used to that happening. Infact, this has never happened to me before and it’s not something I’m gonna get used to. The more I thought about it the more I realized I let my guard down because this guy wasn’t even on my level so I didn’t even try, I just assumed that it would be whatever I wanted it to be, since that’s how it’s always been for me. I don’t like to sleep around, and that’s why this was a big deal to me and that’s why I was hard on myself. I read a lot of posts and I learned some things. I hate to think the majority of men I come in contact with are about this bullsh*t, but the more I’ve read the more men I know fall into this category. Damn it man…where have all the good men gone that can appreciate a SEXY, successful, educated woman? I’m just getting started and I’m not entertained one bit…I’m turned off beyond belief…ughhh

    1. One of the funny things about my blog is that I have women tell me they simultaneously hate what I’m saying AND recognize that it’s absolutely true in a lot of cases. >:D

      Having said that.. You need to expect that dudes are going to lie to you right off the bat.

      Whatever gets us laid faster is what we’re going to say. Notice how there’s no room for Truth or Lies in there? o_O

      If the truth gets us laid faster and we have a Porsche and we’re not married, etc, good for us.

      If those things are all lies, but the truth would dissuade you from spreading your legs, you will never hear the truth.

      If you’re not willing to get used to that, you have to do what Kay said above, and amp up your vetting game.

      Basically, all you can do is wait dudes out. A lot of guys won’t be willing to stay in the pocket too long before they bounce.

      All that “be my girl” ish goes out the window when you’re not interested in screwing her anymore because it’s too much hassle to be worth the time you’re spending on her.

  106. I hear you, Say! What’s that saying? Hard to find a good man, good to find a hard man. Ha! ;p

    That being said, (I sound like an old woman giving advice, ugh); but really, the great news is this guy showed you his true colors at the get go. Better that than being duped and spending years of your precious life with him. OR giving him money to invest in some scheme, or having him mooch off of you. You need to have your “A” game going at all times when dealing with men who, basically, have an “F” game; they are deceiving you to get what THEY want. The good news is, now you know! You can be prepared for the next one.
    In talking to experts; the one thing women need to watch for is a man who has a ‘hard luck feel sorry for me’ story. Our nurturing instinct kicks in. Sociopaths play this card all the time.
    Men have it hard, too. I’m not man bashing. Gold diggers are a man’s worst nightmare.
    Wish you all the best! I promise; it will get better.
    K

    1. hmm.. Kay has touched on an important point here.

      First of all, it’s lucky that you figured out what the deal is sooner rather than later.

      Second, this entire scenario sounds like a lame attempt at being a gigolo.

      Sometimes, guys aren’t interested in sex from a chick, but rather her money or whatever other opportunities she represents to him.

      I’ve been fortunate enough to witness this firsthand. The sex is just the hook to get her to do whatever he wants her to do. As soon as she over-romanticizes their physical interaction, the next play is “I saw these boots I can’t afford” or “I need this loan of $10,000 to get my lucrative business idea off the ground” and she’s all too glad to provide for “her man” until she has nothing left to give him and he bounces.

      1. OK…WAIT A MINUTE!!! Dude is NOT gigolo material!! And I am NOT in a position to be buying boots that cost $10k or any other amount. I do own a biz, but I’m not rich…hahahaha…& I might have played the fool romantically, but I’M ALL ABOUT MY MONEY, and DAMN SURE am not giving it away to a man. I’m a beautiful, educated 28 y/o woman, he wasn’t after my $, he was after my ass, and he got it, and actually tried coming back for more and more, at which point I declined….(Thanks to a reality check that stemmed from this blog).

  107. “You need to have your “A” game going at all times when dealing with men who, basically, have an “F” game” WELL SAID! I like that. You’re right, it’s a (necessary)lesson learned…

    You might not be man bashing but I am!! LOL I’m playing, I know there are good men out there…I just have to be more selective and pay attention to the red flags instead of seeing what I want to see. I also read once that the good men are an aquired taste. A lot of women say it’s what they want and when they come across one they pass. It’s just like healthy eating, it’s something we have to get used to after being used to a bad diet of scumbags…

    1. Part of the problem is that “nice guys” kick game differently from “bad boys”.

      It leads to a skewed population of suitors, and makes it look like there aren’t any good guys out there.

      Basically, the squeaky wheel gets the oil.

  108. I met this guy in a club and he was all over me. I ditched him the first time he approached me but when my friends told me he’s cute so I gave it a go. He was saying all this stuff – how pretty I was and cute I was. He was trying to kiss me but I refused but when I got so tipsy I gave him a smooch or two. He was tryna take me home and I refused. Then he wanna have breakfast with me but I refused again. He got my number and he was asking me for coffee the next day and told me he’ll be meeting me at 4pm since I just lived a few blocks from his school. It was 430pm when he texted me telling that I cant make it cuz he has a hangover. I said alright then I partied again that night with my guy bestfriend but he ended up taking someone home which sucks coz i was supposed to sleep in his condo and i cnt go home cus my cousin’s invited her bf over in my place. I decided to text him and he was there so swiftly. We went to his house and we had great sex – fell asleep then had post hang over sex. Until he gave me the cue that I need to leave before his guardian wakes up or else I may be able to leave at 4pm if not. He took me a cab and I left. That night he chatted in fb and asked me how i was and if the sex was good and I said yes and gave him a hint that id like to do it again with him. The next day I texted him asking where he was then he said school then I asked if I could see him. He was asking if I was alone in my condo but unfortunately im not so he was to lazy to meet up with me making all this excuses that he aint feelin well just because he knew he wasnt gonna get laid. I really like him but now I erased him in facebook and even his number then i sent him this very stupid and emotional msg like it was my first time to do it with someone that soon blah blah like i sounded i dont wanna meet anymore but then again I realized after reading this thread, why not try this JUST SEX thing since the sex we had was so good. Then i messaged him again taking it all back and find myself asking him to call me. IS HE GOING TO CALL ME? If not, I am going insane of this thing I got myself into. This happened like THIS SATURDAY so please i need answers ASAP or I am permanently blocking him in facebook.