Top Ten Valentine’s Day DON’Ts!

Lindz & Bill return just in time to save your relationship with the Top Ten Valentine’s Day DON’Ts!!!

1. Don’t FORGET

B: If Saturday, February 14th, 2009 rolls around and you’re Cold Lampin’ on the couch with the remote, your brew and some chips, you just blew it. Valentine’s Day will either make or break your coming year with your girl. Whatever you do or don’t do, she’s going to carry that with her for MONTHS.

You still have two weeks left, so think ahead… If you need to hit Chinatown and put that bracelet on layaway… make it happen. Also, make those restaurant reservations NOW! You’ll never hear the end of it if y’all get jerked at the door and you end up in the bootleg, sharing a 40 and a snack box for V-Day dinner.

L: Totally. Once I dated this guy who forgot about Valentines Day… and took me to a crappy diner. Meanwhile the whole time I’m thinking is, “is this guy for real?” As if I am going to fall for that BS. I dumped him immediately. Ladies, if this happens to you, its not only a jerk move, but its an indication of your future. Right now he’s forgetting about Valentine’s Day, but soon it will be your birthday, you date on Saturday night, the money he owed you for rent, the ice cream bars you asked him to pick up from the store, the list goes on.

2. Don’t order first

B: When the waitress comes over, don’t go “YEAH, I WOULD LIKE…..” Show some class, and let the lady order first. If she’s not ready, tell the waitress you need some more time. NEVER order first. DO. NOT. ORDER. FIRST! hahaha 😀 If she insists that you order first, stay shut. This is absolutely non-negotiable. If you order first on your own, you’re a neanderthal. If you let her PRESSURE YOU into ordering first, you’re a wuss. Neither one is good, so keep it SHUT until she orders.

Don’t overdo it, though. Some guys like to try and order FOR their women. No good. Unless you know what she likes, AND what she wants right now, don’t do it. The only way to be guaranteed of doing this properly is if you ASK HER what she wants, and when the waitress comes over, you inform her “The Lady Will Have…” and order your food AFTER she takes your girlfriend’s order.

PS – I know it will be a waitress, because they don’t hire waiters in Hooters.

L: On that note, if your man takes you to Hooters, (sorry Bill), refer to #1 and D-U-M-P. Unless of course, you love hooters or you’re a hooters girl and you have to work on Valentine’s Day. If you jump the gun and order before her, that translates to, she’s just another ‘friend’ and you’re not a gentleman. Let her order first, even if it takes 10 minutes and you know what you want. On that note, open doors… ALWAYS.

3. Don’t take her to the sports bar

B: Valentine’s Day is not about YOU. It’s about HER. Take her where SHE wants to go instead of where YOU want to go! YOUR holiday is NEXT MONTH, on March 14th, when everyone celebrates Steak & Blowjob Day.

Forget about that for now… Focus on romance and flowers and candy and candlelight dinners and walking arm-in-arm and all that good stuff that she’s been looking forward to for the entire year since LAST V-Day.

L: This is especially true if you’re not a touchy – feely person. Maybe you don’t like to hold hands in public or you aren’t the ‘type’ of guy to bring her flowers. Do yourself a favor and do it for her. It’s her day, not yours. When Superbowl Sunday rolls around, that’s YOUR day. But on this special day, do what she wants.

4. Don’t set the bar too high

B: Do NOT go All-Out on V-Day. She’s taking notes. Whatever you do for her on February 14th, she’s going to compare what you do for her the entire rest of the year against it. If you’re 100% fly one day of the year, that means you’re probably 100% wack on the other 364.

Even it out. You SHOULD have been doing great stuff for her all year anyway, which would have relieved most of your V-Day performance anxiety.

L: Very good point. If you take her to a fancy steak house on Valentine’s Day then take her to Taco Bell on your other dates, you can consider yourself done. Don’t take her somewhere where she’s thinking, holy shit did someone just die and he inherited a million dollars? OR is this guy smoking crack? Surprises are good, but make sure if you do something THAT GOOD, you can keep up with it for the rest of your relationship with her. Remember, as time goes on, she’s just going to expect MORE.

5. Don’t take calls/texts from your ex

B: If there’s ANY TIME of the ENTIRE YEAR that you need to at least ACT LIKE it’s all about your girlfriend, Valentine’s Day is IT. Focus. FOCUS! *FOCUS*!!! Do not accept calls and gleefully chatter away with your ex-girlfriend while your current girlfriend’s can see/hear you. If you just HAVE TO talk to your ex, excuse yourself to the men’s room or pretend you’re going outside to smoke.

There’s no reason AT ALL to talk to an ex-girlfriend on V-Day…….. unless, of course, you’re making plans with her to tap that later on this evening.

L: And if it’s the latter, then either you’re a playa or you’re a jerk. Haven’t decided yet. And a note to self, if you do end up picking up the phone from your ex and you remember what Bill said earlier, don’t worry, just say “Hey Mom, Happy Valentine’s Day. Yeah, she’s good, ok great, Thanks, You too, I love you, talk to you later.” Works every time.

6. Don’t *NOT* send her flowers at work

L: You see, there’s an unspoken game that goes on at everyone’s work on Valentine’s Day. It’s called “My boyfriend/husband loves me more than yours does.” When the flower guy comes to deliver flowers, all the women’s heads shoot up thinking, “I hope they’re for me.” Of course, if you’re the person that doesn’t get flowers on Valentine’s Day, everything thinks, “She must be in a fight” or “He must not really love her.” You want your girlfriend to feel like the most special girl every and everyone to envy her at work. Then she’ll win the game. That’s how it works. And if you can’t afford $100 flowers (because that’s how much they cost on V day) then buy some from a flower shop and have your friend (who no one in her office knows) deliver them. Throw in a cupcake and your’re golden.

B: I was going to say this one in my five. This is EXTREMELY CRITICAL. First of all, you HAVE TO send them to her job. Second, you HAVE TO send them EARLY, so her girlfriends sweat her all day while she feels comfortable and loved and NOT ANXIOUS as far as whether she’s gonna get hers before the whistle blows @ 5pm. Third, like Lindz said… Go BIG or Go HOME!!! If you can’t shell out the ducats for the flower shop action, go to any ghetto area and look for a store with a fruit stand. Roses will be either $1 per or $2 per. Either way, $50 or less gets you two dozen long-stemmed roses, wrapped. Get your boy to deliver them and get ready to be treated like a *KING* after she gets out of work. 😀

7. Don’t be uncomfortable just to impress him

L: The last thing you’re boyfriend/husband/date wants to hear on Valentine’s Day is you complaining that your feet hurt. I’m sure he hears it enough as it is. While you don’t want to look like a hobo (Think the Olsen Twins), you don’t want to look like a hooker. That’s for later in the bedroom. However, you do want to wear something that sets apart this outfit from your regular ‘date’ outfits. Throw a flower in your hair, wear sparkly earrings, get your nails done. Look presentable, but make sure you won’t complain about it later on.

B: You don’t even know, L…. I’ve been saying this EVERY. SINGLE. WEEKEND. of the winter hahaha. Ladies, PLEASE, PLEASE do yourselves a favor and dress for the elements. STOP rocking high-heel regular shoes in the snow. STOP rocking Mini-Skirts when the temperature’s below 30 degrees. STOP wearing those short, “cute” jackets and shivering while you’re waiting outside on the line to get in that club. That’s not showing DEDICATION. That’s showing that you’re completely INSECURE and don’t think anybody’s going to think you’re attractive unless they can see every inch of your T&A.

If you need to learn how to dress in the winter, come around the way and see how fly the girls rock their Timberlands and North Face jackets and STILL have guys falling all over each other and THEMSELVES to try to rap to them.

8. Don’t be a drunken whore

Yes you’ll order a bottle of wine, or maybe a couple, but don’t overdo it just because its a holiday. Besides bringing up past ex’s the only other turnoff is if he has to hold your hair back while you puke in the street, toilet or heaven forbid on his shoes. This is not a fraternity formal. Plus, if you’re too drunk and he’s too drunk then you’ll probably just go home and pass out. And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is LAME.

B: Good advice. However, this is also a function of her man doing the right thing with #4: “Don’t set the bar too high”. Don’t ply your girl with Colt 45 or PBR all year and then break out the Dom, Moet & Cordon Negro on V-Day. That’s the sure-fire way to put her out of commission. Not only that, but when she wakes up she MIGHT NOT even remember all the stuff you did for her on her special day. :/

Of course… This would help you with #1, in case you forgot what day it was, entirely. Pick up the champagne, get her drunk, then when she wakes up, explain to her how you took her to Tavern On The Green and then a Horse & Carriage Ride around Central Park before she passed out.

9. Don’t always assume he’s going to foot the bill

L: AKA, bring a wallet. I knew a girl that would go on dates and just ‘forget’ her wallet at home. That girl, I call a pretentious bitch. It’s the 21st century and while yes, 99% of males will pay for the date, WHAT IF you happen to go out with the other 1%? Plus, if you opt to grab a coffee or ice cream after the restaurant, then you should probably insist to pay. Or if you go straight home, pay for the cab. It’s rude to assume that he will always pay. Plus it makes you seem more independent and confident.

B: DEFINITELY bring a wallet. If he can’t pay the bill, they’re going to want cold, hard cash from you…… unless you have dish-washing or table/pole-dancing skillz.

10. Don’t Cancel

L: This is probably the #1 reason to dump the person over the phone, via email or text. If you cancel the day of, he has a right to dump you because you’re a heartless bitch. If he puts all the time and effort into this day to essentialy celebrate you, then you need to go. I don’t care if your dog or cat died the night before. If you’re not in the hospital or dead, then you best be showing up. Common courtesy. On the flip side, if he does this to you dump him. If he stands you up this time or cancels last minute, then you know that he doesn’t have the sense to know its wrong and unacceptable and he’s do it again in the future. Except next time, it might be your wedding day.

B: Rep-Re-SENT!… Preach!.. PREACH!!! 😀

Oh man. I can’t imagine after all that planning and getting a haircut and getting new gear for the date and all those trips to Chinatown for the layaway, if she just… Canceled. omg. If you’re not in the hospital or dead, you’d best be in line at the courthouse for that RESTRAINING ORDER, because that’s just wrong.

As for the fellaz… If you don’t make it to the V-Day date, you’d better bring back proof that you were IN JAIL or don’t bother showing up to her crib ever again. Instead of “that time of the month”, it’ll *usually* be “that time of the *WEEK*” when it comes to you getting some, so you’d be better off just starting all over with a new chick.

Lindz & Bill

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  1. I dont like Valentine’s day. People should love each other and treat each other with care and respect EVERYDAY.

    1. Completely Agreed that people should love each other and treat each other with care and respect EVERY. DAY., Sandra. 🙂

      Unfortunately, a lot of people use Valentine’s Day as the test of how much someone cares about them. Many times, these people end up disproportionately disappointed by what they get… on either side of the situation.

      Lindsey’s point #6 is amazingly critical. If your girl 9-5s it, it’s *imperative* that you schedule delivery of her “Look how much my boyfriend loves me!” flowers in the EARLY part of the day. It’s such a silently competitive and catty day that women are IMMENSELY RELIEVED that they can sit back and watch the rest of the gals sweat. Women that receive nothing often feel humiliated when they receive nothing at all after they spent hours at the water-cooler telling their co-workers how great their man is.

      If you’re a fly-guy and you’ve got it like that, BONUS POINTS for getting suited up and taking a nice slow stroll through your girl’s office with her roses so all the other ladies can “sweat the technique”! 😀

    2. Agreed, but if that was the case, I’d never get flowers. EVER. So this is one day that makes me feel extra special. And on the flipside, if my boyfriend bought me boxes of chocolate everyday and I ate it (because I would), that would NOT be good… haha. Thanks for the comment!

      1. Yeah, see, that’s the thing. For the guys that “that’s not really their thing”, it’s a kick in the seat of the pants to make something happen nice for their lady.

        Personally, I’m not a fan of people doing something because a season or a day has arrived, but if those events make life nicer for someone else, even for a short period of time, I can’t knock it. 😀

  2. oh i like 2 and 7 🙂

    but wait, i really shouldn’t get drunk and dress like a whore! screw VDAY!!

    I am going to get myself a box of chocolate and cry in the corner 🙂

    1. Hey Jill! 😀

      Wait a minute now! Let’s not get carried away! Drink as much as you want and dress as scantily as you want, haha it’s all a means to an END! 😉

      Lindz’s point was not to OVER-DO IT to the tune of being basically comatose on the couch. Some guys like that, hahaha but a lot of guys don’t, so optimally, the female will appreciate and respect the guy’s efforts to show her a good time and stick around for the after-dinner festivities instead of conking out!

  3. Been married too long, almost 20 years and I’m not even 40. Yes, Valentine’s Day is my anniversary, it’s totally sappy. My favorite anniversary was the time we ordered in pizza and watched a movie. Of course I had just delivered a 9 pound baby a few days before so I was so not in the go out mood. On VDay ave fun. If you don’t have a date don’t eat too much Ben and Jerry’s instead do something for yourself that’s good for you.

    1. Hey Sara. Thanks for the comment! 😀

      I think the ultimate goal of V-Day, for those who choose to participate, is to show the other person that you care about them and you’re really appreciative of the time you get to spend with them.

      Of course, like Sandra said…That’s stuff you’re supposed to do EVERY. DAY., but with a little special attention, Valentine’s Day can be a really great experience, even without fancy gifts, dinner reservations or expensive flowers. 🙂

  4. You know, this “order first” thing has come up a few times lately. For me, and people seem to think this is weird… I grew up where the man always ordered for the lady. But in most cases, like when you’re just dating someone, you kind of nonchalantly say “hey, this sounds good…” then they’ll just order it for you. For me, this was a courtesy, kind of like holding doors… makes me feel like a lady when my date orders for me.

    1. Yes, Susan… It’s a fine line between the options:
      a) Man orders for the Lady (regardless of what SHE wants)
      b) Man finds out what the Lady wants and is the one to speak to the waiter
      c) Man waits for Lady to tell the waiter what she wants before ordering

      Any of the three could be seen as either courteous or demeaning, depending on which one the woman grew up with.

      You might order FOR her when you take her to a place where you SPECIFICALLY want her to try something that YOU think is delicious or that SHE would like in particular.

      The other two options are relatively similar. The ultimate goals being exactly what you stated… Making her “feel like a lady”. 😉

    2. Like Bill said, it is a fine line. If it works for you and he’s not overlooking what you actually want, then keep doing what you’re doing. It’s a matter of personal preference, but women need to know that they have the OPTION of ordering for themselves. They can do whatever the heck they want because it’s the 21st century. If they want to order a 5 course meal, then so be it. If they want dessert or 2 desserts, who’s stopping them?

      It’s just the principle that we’re talking about. This can be applied to pretty much anything in life. Just know that you, as a woman, have the right do hold your own and be independent. You can open your own doors, you can pay for your own food, but yes it is a courtesy that HE does that for you, if you think so. Just know that YOU CAN…

      1. Yeah L, That’s exactly what my point was. It all depends on the “fit” of the relationship. The whole goal of doing something “extra special” on V-Day is to make HER feel special (um, and also to make sure everything goes smoothly on March 14th!!!).

        You have to know ahead of time WHETHER she wants you to order for her, she wants to tell you what she wants or she wants to “speak to the wait staff” herself. Any of those three is fine, just so long as the information about what SHE wants reaches the waiter BEFORE the information about what YOU want does.

  5. Bill you know I love your blog and by extension you but I don’t get you very much here. You’re “dos” and “don’t” are pretty much just how you should act 365 days a year. And if you did, you would have zero to worry about on Valentines day.

    As for ordering for a lady. That is, in my book, a sign that you know her quite well. (Trying to remember back if anyone besides Dean ever ordered my food for me before I married him. Yeah, that’s right, way back guy I used to go out with before Dean would order my food too.) Here’s how it works. You both look at the menus. If the waiter comes up before you’re done looking, he tells the waiter you’re not ready to order. When the lady has decided what she wants to eat, she tells the man and when the waiter comes back the man orders for the lady and then for himself.

    The reason for this courtesy is so the lady doesn’t have to talk to the service people. She is, for this one little exchange, above that, though she may answer direct questions by the waiter at other times.

    1. Hey Sonja. 🙂

      It makes sense that *you* wouldn’t get much out of this post. When Lindz and I write together, it’s mainly snarky banter. Think of it as pop music. That’s why our posts together are insanely popular => Google: mistakes guys make. It’s also practice for our video show we’re going to do this season.

      While I agree with you (and Sandra, who commented above), that this is stuff that should be done all-year-round, there are altogether too many guys who slack off in their relationships until the critical moments where they need to put their best foot forward. This, of course, means they have ZERO practice at doing the right thing and tend to fumble when they attempt to express themselves as gentlemen. This post is for those guys… and the women who date them! 😀

      Thank you SO MUCH for the information on the “ordering for the lady” part. That’s going RIGHT in my rolodex! haha I like the line “so the lady doesn’t have to talk to the service people”. It could also have been interpreted as “she’s not ALLOWED to speak to the service people”, meaning the guy was commandeering the situation. That makes a lot of sense.

      It ESPECIALLY makes sense when you consider that “quiet it’s kept”, the lady WANTED to ‘talk to’ the waiters! 😉

    2. Hey Sonja,

      I completely agree with your theory of 365 days a year, however, its sad that many people don’t do this 365 days a year and this is their one day to feel special. If you have a routine with your man when you order food, by all means, I respect that. I’m just saying that women shouldn’t have to rely on the men or think they can’t order for themselves. Usually when I go out, I order for myself and then my BF orders for him. I like talking directly to the waiter because sometimes I like asking him questions. I like to be able to feel like I can hold my own. Then again, I am somewhat of an attention whore. So, to each his own.

  6. Well Bill I try to help you out. The big point about the ordering is if you don’t let the waiter start taking the order until you know what’s going to be ordered you’ll be fine.

    It’s funny about guys putting these things, like sending flowers, off. I guess you’re right. But I still wonder, as those Black Eyed Peas used to sing, “Where is the Love” if you put all this stuff off? Although I think, actually, there’s something slightly weird about my personality, I don’t “wig out” when my husband forgets our anniversary, because I forget it too. I sometimes wonder if I’ve missed an important part of life because we’ve never had the “I can’t believe you’re forgotten our annivesary” knock down drag out.

    At times Dean says I think more like a man than some. I guess that’s okay with me. Though it really makes me nervous, too.

  7. Omg…This is fabulous, you guys…It seriously cracked me up. Sad, true and hilarious. Love it!


  8. ok, the part of do not NOT send her flowers! Is it acceptable to send ONE! am asking because (drum roll please) its a true story!
    One year, chick I had just met, I decided to send sum1 a flower for V day. Called the shop and was told that they didnt do just one but only the dozen or more. After sum back and forth, convinced the dude to take the full dozen payment but only send ONE.
    Fastforward a few hours: after her friend continous asking of “what cheap fuck sends only one” even the the note clearly said the rest are waiting, i wind up ditching her for the night and gettin’ a brew with the usual booty call suspect.
    WHY WHY WHY, was this a problem? Mind you none of them other hoes got any, so why they tearing me down AND…

    Out of spite I actually “faxed” her my receipt where it clearly stated full price fo that one delivered. I dumped her after the Im sorry and my friends think that was so romantic crap. i waited for the attitude recession and bounced.

    BUT why not be happy with just the thought!
    Woman, please let me know!!

  9. Okay seriously, am I really the only female that’s anti-Valentine’s Day? I think that “holiday” is so forced. I’d rather my bf go all out for my birthday or our anniversary. Am I also the only female that hates roses? If I’m going to get flowers, I’d much rather have some exotic flowers. I get bothered/offended when i get roses. Roses are too easy and I feel like there’s really no thought put into it. Like I said, if he’s going to get me flowers I want something more exotic or something that’s not the norm. Not saying you have to go all out, I’d be happy with sunflowers or tulips. My perfect valentine’s day would be something thoughtful, like spending some time together at home. How about a home cooked meal, some wine, and lots of hot sex? Now for my bday, GO ALL OUT!!!

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