Relationship ToS (or Screw Him! Pass The Ice Cream!)

Flo, Bill & JillEvery time I go somewhere where there are more than, say, 50 people that read blogs and are also into Social Media, I find out that there’s someone new that I didn’t realize reads my dating blog.

This is a great thing, and I’m happy about that as well as appreciative, but it’s sort of a sticky wicket when you’re in a conversation that you think is completely random and then the other person starts quoting lines verbatim from your material….

So the other night, I’m minding my own business and the next thing I know, I’m involved in a conversation about one of my previous posts. The gal and her croanies know who they are, and they obviously read my blog, so no need to shout them out.

I felt like I was doing ok in the conversation until the instigator threw “She used to be *FOYINE*, and now she’s NOT!” in my face a couple of times in a row, which is when I had hoped to dilute the situation by calling over her homegirl, but that didn’t work out in my favor either. I was suddenly aware that my material had not only been read, but it had also been discussed between the two of them, and I had just made matters worse for myself instead of better.

So now, I’m going to attempt to clarify what a woman HAS TO DO in a relationship and what she does NOT have to do.

Terms of Service (ToS)

What are the “Terms of Service” to your relationship? Do you know? Are you aware that there are DEFINITELY ToS to your relationship?

A lot of women believe that they were selected by their men for some supernatural reason… Like he would have chosen her REGARDLESS of how she looks, how she acts, what she thinks… They think their relationships were created by divine intervention, and don’t believe that there are REASONS why their boyfriends/husbands selected them, whether the guys copped to those reasons or not. If you’re one of these women that think you’ve just got it like that, let’s think about one of the ToS of *YOUR* current relationship, which is:

You Are A Female

Doesn’t seem like ToS, does it? Unfortunately for you, it is. One of the criteria that your current boyfriend utilized in selecting you is that he perceived you to be a female. Can we stipulate to that?

If not, what you’re saying is that if your boyfriend suddenly perceived you to be a male of the species that he would still date you. Do you believe that?…..

We’ll leave married couples out of this part of the conversation, because we can assume that if they’re married, he hit it at least once, and if he has the slightest understanding of female anatomy, he’s determined whether his “wife” was male or female already.

The fact that you are a female is DEFINITELY in your relationship’s ToS. You would have received NO LIGHT from the giddyap if you hadn’t been a female, so that’s our ToS foundation. This is ESPECIALLY important for guys that actually want to have a family populated by their own kids, since a female is required to complete the process. This brings us to ToS #2:

Your Man Is Physically Attracted To You

Yummmmmm! :DOr… At least he *WAS* when he first met you. This, I think, is where we run into a SERIOUS point of contention between males & females. Women like to believe that men walk across a crowded room and start a conversation with them because he supernaturally knew something about her mind… or her “heart”, or that they were “meant to be together”. It’s not true. He saw what he liked and stepped to you. Period.

There might be more to that in this day and age, actually. Thanks to Social Media, e-Stalking has become all the rage, so it’s entirely possible that a guy knew A WHOLE LOT about you before he “happened” to meet you at an event. In fact… THIS ENTIRE POST is the result of e-Stalking, because I wasn’t aware that the co-conspirators had both read a blog post that I had already forgotten about and were prepared to bring it up as we were clinking glasses and frivolously socializing!

So, does it happen that there’s “love at first sight”? Sure. More likely, LUST at first sight, but still… There are guys that see gals and are like “I’ve got to have her” without knowing ANYTHING else about her. The problem, ladies, is that if you don’t ask him and/or he isn’t willing to tell you the truth about WHY he stepped to you, you don’t know for sure…

This is how A LOT OF WOMEN end up violating the ToS of their relationships, either unknowingly or deliberately. They either don’t know that what they’re doing will have an effect on their relationship, OR they rebel against the IDEA that there are ToS at all and assert themselves to prove to themselves and others that they’re going to do whatever they want, regardless of what their man thinks.

ToS Violations

Assuming that a) Your boyfriend selected you because you are female, and b) He selected you because he was physically attracted to you at the time, we can now list several violations for which you *may* be penalized…

  1. Sex Reassignment Surgery (female-to-male) – Nuff Said.
  2. Gaining too much weight – Too much ass for the tappin’.
  3. Losing too much weight – Not ENOUGH ass for the tappin’.
  4. Cutting your hair too short if he met you when it was long.
  5. Letting your hair grow too long if he met you when it was short.
  6. Acting like a JERK in public – Makes him look like he can’t get a better girl, AND makes him look like he has no control over his relationship… which might well be THE FACT OF THE MATTER, but he still doesn’t want his business in the streets.
  7. Putting his business in the streets.
  8. Not enough sex – Nuff Said.
  9. Too Much Sex – Can a brotha get his Social Media on?… Damn.
  10. Wack clothing selection – Leave those grand-ma-ma sweaters AT HOME and get with the program.
  11. Making out with some other chick without inviting a brotha.
  12. Eating most of the pizza I ordered for “us”, so I don’t have anything left over, really, and I should have actually bought TWO PIES if I had known you were going to eat that much – Sorry. Flashback. Never mind that one.

So you can see the problem here. The women who either don’t know or don’t care WHY their man selected them are liable to violate their ToS at any time. Meanwhile, their boyfriends are either going to let them slide on these infractions or enact penalties & sanctions as they see fit. If life were FAIR, then the guys would have told the gals up front what they could or couldn’t do if they were going to be in a relationship with them.

Being that most women’s reactions to “tell a woman what she can or can not do” are going to be shock, disbelief & outrage, most guys like to keep this information under the hat and spring it on her as a surprise when she steps over the line. This is clearly lame, underhanded, weaselesque behavior, but it’s very effective in getting a brotha laid until the last minute when he’s had all he can standS and can’t STANDS NO MORE!!!

Consequences & Repercussions

For the three women who are still reading this, here’s the point. Y’all can do WHATEVER. YOU. LIKE. in relationships… just be aware that there will DEFINITELY be consequences & repercussions. The more weaselesque your man is, the more things will spring out at you out of the blue. The more open, honest and communicative your man is, the more your feelings are going to get hurt, but you’ll know exactly where you stand with him.

So the point is NOT that a guy can tell a gal what she can or can’t do IN GENERAL, but rather that he can tell her what’s likely to happen if she violates the relationship’s ToS. Does a guy have any actual SAY over whether his girlfriend cuts her hair or not? Nope. However, HE decides (or maybe his body decides) whether he’s attracted to her in her current iteration, which will determine what SHE receives from the relationship. Therefore, women are creating their own consequences by going off the reservation.

You want to dye your hair blonde? Go ahead. Good luck that your man thinks that’s sexy. Who cares if your man thinks you’re sexy? YOU DO.. Unless you’re ready to go shopping for a new boyfriend. You want to dress like a bum or like you just stepped out of Little House on the Prarie? Go ahead! Good luck that your man thinks that’s sexy. You want to break NOBLOG embargoes and put your man’s business in the streets? Go ahead!….

See the pattern? It’s not that a guy gets to tell you what to do with your weight or your hair or your clothes or your personality. He gets to inform you that there are potential consequences to ToS violations. Worst-case scenario, he might go YouTube on your ass and suspend your account.

He’s With You For Your Mind

In case you don’t believe anything I’ve just written, why don’t you go ahead and change aspects of your appearance and personality and see what happens to your relationship? Feel free to leave a comment below about the changes you made and how your man didn’t do JACK about it and you still have your relationship.

It’s entirely possible that you’re right. It’s entirely possible that your boyfriend isn’t attracted to you AT.ALL. anyway. Maybe he likes how you read books or that you can recite Pi to 50 digits. Maybe he’s with you for the companionship, and he really DOESN’T care if you’re male or female.

She used to be *FOYINE*, and now she’s NOT!

This is one of the downsides for attractive females who meet guys. Y’all never know if the guy’s “with you for your mind” or whether he ‘just’ happens to like how you currently look. It’s the same thing for rich or famous guys… They can never tell if the gals like them as people or are just sweating their fame.

You like the credit cards and private planes
Money can really take you far
You like the hotels and fancy clothes
And the sound of electric guitars, but….
Do you love me? (do you love me?)

It’s really important to know whether your physical attractiveness or your wallet was included in the ToS when y’all decided you wanted to start a relationship together. If you go from a size 4 to a size 8, is he gonna break north and look for another size 4?… If you get laid off, is she going to step to the left and find a guy who’s making more money than you are?…

Communication is the key here… Also, honesty… If you can get it. Try it. You might like it. You might be surprised. You might find out that your boyfriend likes a little more bounce to the ounce… A little more cushion for the pushin’. If he’s willing to admit that he doesn’t, and it looks like that’s the direction your body’s heading, at least now you have the information you need to make an educated decision. You can either step away from the bon bons, spend that extra hour per day in the gym and keep your man doing that thing that you know you like for him to do to you….. Or you can say “Screw HIM!” and “Pass the Ice Cream!”

Let me know what you decide… and how that’s workin’ for ya.

~Bill

Twitter: BillCammack
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16 Comments

  1. Even though girls can be annoying guys are way worse at violating everything and anything that is important to a female. Generally, girls will be fine if they are treated with the right respect, however since most men don’t know what respect is, and only really care about how shit affects them, girls get crazy. The me me me me me attitude of guys has got to go. Buy your woman some flowers, stop ogling everything with tits and treat her with the respect she deserves, otherwise, you’ll likely find your pathetic ass on the ground in the dirt begging for your Mommy.

    1. Well, yeah. Women can pretty much expect every ToS item to be violated by guys unless there’s really a strong bond between them of trust and respect.

      For the most part, guys just say “yes” to everything and pay for it if/when they get caught.

  2. I wouldn’t say guys are way worse with the annoying behavior… I would say it is equal. Maybe it’s just the type of dudes I choose to socialize, date or be friends with, but they DO treat their girl friends and acquaintances with respect, and yeah, they are ogling everything with tits, but they’re not doing it in an obvious douchey way they’re being descreet about it.

    it all depends on the type of people you choose to surround yourself with. If ya hang with the douches, they’re gonna act douchey. And they probably have since the minute you met them. It’s not going to change just because they’re dating you!

    I work with girls that sit and bitch and moan about how their boyfriends don’t do anything/enough for Valentines day and I am like, Seriously?! And most of them in the midst of all of this crying don’t mention anything they’ve done for him on Valentines day. Hmmm… so you expect a $50 bouquet of flowers and extravagant plans for an expensive dinner and all you have to do is show up… why cuz you deserve all of this for being a bitch all year?

    Basically if you think most men don’t know what respect is, you’re dating the wrong type of guy. And if you find yourself dating one of these douche bags and decide that, yep, you don’t love when he falls out of his chair because he was all leaned over, tongue out, drool string flappin in the wind after some chick walked by then DUMP HIM. Don’t expect him to change…

    1. That’s a good point… If you already see how a guy’s acting, don’t think you’re special and he’s going to stop doing what he’s BEEN doing for you. He might TELL YOU he will to get you to lay down, but he’s gonna keep doing whatever he wants to do whenever he wants to do it.

      As far as the Valentine’s Day stuff, you’re spot-on with that. That’s partially what I was talking about though about guys being weasels instead of stepping up front and telling their girlfriends or whatever what they’re doing that the guys don’t like. The whole time, it’s building up with the guy that he’s dating a JERK, and the effects appear at the MOST inopportune times. Valentine’s day rolls around and you don’t get JACK… including a call. Christmas rolls around and instead of taking you on vacation like he said, he changes his phone number and you never hear from him again. This could have been avoided if a) you weren’t a JERK and b) he was willing to tell you when you were losing favor with him.

  3. Bill,
    Some “people” are gonna be really annoyed with the way you wrote this and miss the heart of the content; there are concrete reasons why your partner is with you. There are expectations. To put it simply, the reason why relationships fail, other than death, is due to unmet expectations. It would serve all of us well to know what they are. Anyway, I like the extra angry tone. Grrrrrrr! Good job! 🙂 lol

    Other thoughts: I think it sux that the women that felt a need to retaliate couldn’t be bothered to write a response online. Instead, in a premeditated fashion, they snuck up on you, punched you in the back of the head, then tag teamed your ass! How the hell is that an appropriate response from yakkity-yak-yak, online all the time, social media folks? That was just some raw, aggressive, anti-social, prison action. How and where do I meet chicks like that?! 😀

    Billy, you best be watching your back the next time you go down a dark alley in SocialMediaVille, or start traveling with a sidekick or at least an e-stalker who gets you (hint hint hint). 😉

    1. I don’t see an angry tone at all. Maybe because I talk to him all the time and I know his tone(s).

      He’s not angry though. When he’s mad…you WILL know it. 🙂

      1. lol.. Damn Skippy! 😀

        As far as Steve’s point about unmet expectations, that’s true, however people tend to get into relationships without voicing their expectations, because they’re so scared the relationship won’t even start.

        Instead of saying “I only want two kids”, they keep it shut and then when the other one says let’s have a third, it’s a problem.

        Instead of saying “I want to have sex with you five times a week”, they stay shut and then complain when they get it five times a month.

        Instead of saying “I have no intention of being faithful to you whatsoever”, they say they’re in a monogamous relationship and then cheat to their heart’s content.

        So the problem isn’t unmet expectations, but rather that people don’t put their expectations on the table and let it ride…

  4. This has got to be the most honest opinion a female has left on any of these post!!

    “I work with girls that sit and bitch and moan about how their boyfriends don’t do anything/enough for Valentines day and I am like, Seriously?! And most of them in the midst of all of this crying don’t mention anything they’ve done for him on Valentines day. Hmmm… so you expect a $50 bouquet of flowers and extravagant plans for an expensive dinner and all you have to do is show up… why cuz you deserve all of this for being a bitch all year?”

    Thank you Carrie.

    I make a motion to strike the word chauvinist from the vocabulary!! Sorry Sandra but what you see here is a collection of honest feelings/thoughts that most women don’t want to hear. I didnt walk by u and say “hmmmmm, the way she is nuzzling that beer! I know i need her in my life because she looks like she can have an interesting conversation with me”. Nooooooooooooo, “I said damn the way she is working that bottle neck…I gotta get her home”! Anyone who claims that you being finer than a mofo (everything being relative and what he defines as fine) is not the reason you got stopped, is lying! Visual attraction and lust come first. AND YES there are ToS considerations. We can communicate beautifully all u want, but if i aint gettin’ none, this is not a relationship-its a friendship!

    1. We can communicate beautifully all u want, but if i aint gettin’ none, this is not a realtionship-its a friendship!

      Well, this is a topic for another day, Frank, hahahaha but I guarantee you I tell this to chicks every.single.week. without fail. If you’re not giving him any, it’s not a “relationship” AT. ALL., it’s a friendship. I’m not going to get into that here, because somehow, this topic heated up all on its own!

      *tipping out of the room…*

  5. sandra, all in good fun! it was more about the chauvinist comment. many girls think it, you actually wrote it and it was too good to pass up! here is my peace offering….

    12 roses. ok, maybe not roses but good intentions!

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