Every time I go somewhere where there are more than, say, 50 people that read blogs and are also into Social Media, I find out that there’s someone new that I didn’t realize reads my dating blog.
This is a great thing, and I’m happy about that as well as appreciative, but it’s sort of a sticky wicket when you’re in a conversation that you think is completely random and then the other person starts quoting lines verbatim from your material….
So the other night, I’m minding my own business and the next thing I know, I’m involved in a conversation about one of my previous posts. The gal and her croanies know who they are, and they obviously read my blog, so no need to shout them out.
I felt like I was doing ok in the conversation until the instigator threw “She used to be *FOYINE*, and now she’s NOT!” in my face a couple of times in a row, which is when I had hoped to dilute the situation by calling over her homegirl, but that didn’t work out in my favor either. I was suddenly aware that my material had not only been read, but it had also been discussed between the two of them, and I had just made matters worse for myself instead of better.
So now, I’m going to attempt to clarify what a woman HAS TO DO in a relationship and what she does NOT have to do.
Terms of Service (ToS)
What are the “Terms of Service” to your relationship? Do you know? Are you aware that there are DEFINITELY ToS to your relationship?
A lot of women believe that they were selected by their men for some supernatural reason… Like he would have chosen her REGARDLESS of how she looks, how she acts, what she thinks… They think their relationships were created by divine intervention, and don’t believe that there are REASONS why their boyfriends/husbands selected them, whether the guys copped to those reasons or not. If you’re one of these women that think you’ve just got it like that, let’s think about one of the ToS of *YOUR* current relationship, which is:
You Are A Female
Doesn’t seem like ToS, does it? Unfortunately for you, it is. One of the criteria that your current boyfriend utilized in selecting you is that he perceived you to be a female. Can we stipulate to that?
If not, what you’re saying is that if your boyfriend suddenly perceived you to be a male of the species that he would still date you. Do you believe that?…..
We’ll leave married couples out of this part of the conversation, because we can assume that if they’re married, he hit it at least once, and if he has the slightest understanding of female anatomy, he’s determined whether his “wife” was male or female already.
The fact that you are a female is DEFINITELY in your relationship’s ToS. You would have received NO LIGHT from the giddyap if you hadn’t been a female, so that’s our ToS foundation. This is ESPECIALLY important for guys that actually want to have a family populated by their own kids, since a female is required to complete the process. This brings us to ToS #2:
Your Man Is Physically Attracted To You
Or… At least he *WAS* when he first met you. This, I think, is where we run into a SERIOUS point of contention between males & females. Women like to believe that men walk across a crowded room and start a conversation with them because he supernaturally knew something about her mind… or her “heart”, or that they were “meant to be together”. It’s not true. He saw what he liked and stepped to you. Period.
There might be more to that in this day and age, actually. Thanks to Social Media, e-Stalking has become all the rage, so it’s entirely possible that a guy knew A WHOLE LOT about you before he “happened” to meet you at an event. In fact… THIS ENTIRE POST is the result of e-Stalking, because I wasn’t aware that the co-conspirators had both read a blog post that I had already forgotten about and were prepared to bring it up as we were clinking glasses and frivolously socializing!
So, does it happen that there’s “love at first sight”? Sure. More likely, LUST at first sight, but still… There are guys that see gals and are like “I’ve got to have her” without knowing ANYTHING else about her. The problem, ladies, is that if you don’t ask him and/or he isn’t willing to tell you the truth about WHY he stepped to you, you don’t know for sure…
This is how A LOT OF WOMEN end up violating the ToS of their relationships, either unknowingly or deliberately. They either don’t know that what they’re doing will have an effect on their relationship, OR they rebel against the IDEA that there are ToS at all and assert themselves to prove to themselves and others that they’re going to do whatever they want, regardless of what their man thinks.
Assuming that a) Your boyfriend selected you because you are female, and b) He selected you because he was physically attracted to you at the time, we can now list several violations for which you *may* be penalized…
- Sex Reassignment Surgery (female-to-male) – Nuff Said.
- Gaining too much weight – Too much ass for the tappin’.
- Losing too much weight – Not ENOUGH ass for the tappin’.
- Cutting your hair too short if he met you when it was long.
- Letting your hair grow too long if he met you when it was short.
- Acting like a JERK in public – Makes him look like he can’t get a better girl, AND makes him look like he has no control over his relationship… which might well be THE FACT OF THE MATTER, but he still doesn’t want his business in the streets.
- Putting his business in the streets.
- Not enough sex – Nuff Said.
- Too Much Sex – Can a brotha get his Social Media on?… Damn.
- Wack clothing selection – Leave those grand-ma-ma sweaters AT HOME and get with the program.
- Making out with some other chick without inviting a brotha.
- Eating most of the pizza I ordered for “us”, so I don’t have anything left over, really, and I should have actually bought TWO PIES if I had known you were going to eat that much – Sorry. Flashback. Never mind that one.
So you can see the problem here. The women who either don’t know or don’t care WHY their man selected them are liable to violate their ToS at any time. Meanwhile, their boyfriends are either going to let them slide on these infractions or enact penalties & sanctions as they see fit. If life were FAIR, then the guys would have told the gals up front what they could or couldn’t do if they were going to be in a relationship with them.
Being that most women’s reactions to “tell a woman what she can or can not do” are going to be shock, disbelief & outrage, most guys like to keep this information under the hat and spring it on her as a surprise when she steps over the line. This is clearly lame, underhanded, weaselesque behavior, but it’s very effective in getting a brotha laid until the last minute when he’s had all he can standS and can’t STANDS NO MORE!!!
Consequences & Repercussions
For the three women who are still reading this, here’s the point. Y’all can do WHATEVER. YOU. LIKE. in relationships… just be aware that there will DEFINITELY be consequences & repercussions. The more weaselesque your man is, the more things will spring out at you out of the blue. The more open, honest and communicative your man is, the more your feelings are going to get hurt, but you’ll know exactly where you stand with him.
So the point is NOT that a guy can tell a gal what she can or can’t do IN GENERAL, but rather that he can tell her what’s likely to happen if she violates the relationship’s ToS. Does a guy have any actual SAY over whether his girlfriend cuts her hair or not? Nope. However, HE decides (or maybe his body decides) whether he’s attracted to her in her current iteration, which will determine what SHE receives from the relationship. Therefore, women are creating their own consequences by going off the reservation.
You want to dye your hair blonde? Go ahead. Good luck that your man thinks that’s sexy. Who cares if your man thinks you’re sexy? YOU DO.. Unless you’re ready to go shopping for a new boyfriend. You want to dress like a bum or like you just stepped out of Little House on the Prarie? Go ahead! Good luck that your man thinks that’s sexy. You want to break NOBLOG embargoes and put your man’s business in the streets? Go ahead!….
See the pattern? It’s not that a guy gets to tell you what to do with your weight or your hair or your clothes or your personality. He gets to inform you that there are potential consequences to ToS violations. Worst-case scenario, he might go YouTube on your ass and suspend your account.
He’s With You For Your Mind
In case you don’t believe anything I’ve just written, why don’t you go ahead and change aspects of your appearance and personality and see what happens to your relationship? Feel free to leave a comment below about the changes you made and how your man didn’t do JACK about it and you still have your relationship.
It’s entirely possible that you’re right. It’s entirely possible that your boyfriend isn’t attracted to you AT.ALL. anyway. Maybe he likes how you read books or that you can recite Pi to 50 digits. Maybe he’s with you for the companionship, and he really DOESN’T care if you’re male or female.
She used to be *FOYINE*, and now she’s NOT!
This is one of the downsides for attractive females who meet guys. Y’all never know if the guy’s “with you for your mind” or whether he ‘just’ happens to like how you currently look. It’s the same thing for rich or famous guys… They can never tell if the gals like them as people or are just sweating their fame.
You like the credit cards and private planes
Money can really take you far
You like the hotels and fancy clothes
And the sound of electric guitars, but….
Do you love me? (do you love me?)
It’s really important to know whether your physical attractiveness or your wallet was included in the ToS when y’all decided you wanted to start a relationship together. If you go from a size 4 to a size 8, is he gonna break north and look for another size 4?… If you get laid off, is she going to step to the left and find a guy who’s making more money than you are?…
Communication is the key here… Also, honesty… If you can get it. Try it. You might like it. You might be surprised. You might find out that your boyfriend likes a little more bounce to the ounce… A little more cushion for the pushin’. If he’s willing to admit that he doesn’t, and it looks like that’s the direction your body’s heading, at least now you have the information you need to make an educated decision. You can either step away from the bon bons, spend that extra hour per day in the gym and keep your man doing that thing that you know you like for him to do to you….. Or you can say “Screw HIM!” and “Pass the Ice Cream!”
Let me know what you decide… and how that’s workin’ for ya.