Where Is This Relationship Going?

Historically, I’ve only heard the question “Where is this relationship going?” or the statement “I don’t know where this relationship is going” from women that can’t get a handle on what the guys in their lives are going to do in the future. I’ve never heard a guy say this about his girlfriend, and I wonder if there’s a reason for that….

Personally speaking, my relationships to women aren’t “going” anywhere at all. We like each other or we don’t. We hang out together or we don’t. We’re messing with each other or we’re not. That’s about the extent of “progress”. Unless she has some kind of drastic personality change which makes her so interesting that I want to spend time with her over and over, to the exclusion of other chicks, it is what it is. We’re having fun, expressing interest, sexuality, sensuality and mutual admiration, it starts when it starts.. it ends when it ends.. we pick it up again if we pick it up. C’est la vie.

I find it best to state these things up front. For me, it’s way easier to meet a new chick that’s interested than to extricate myself from a relationship with some disillusioned chick. This isn’t normally the pattern, though…

Unfortunately, a lot of gals don’t actually become authentically useful until they believe your relationship IS “going somewhere”. Until you give them a title, like girlfriend or fiancee, they want to front on what they REALLY want to do with you. Guys know this, because this is an ancient female tactic, so what they do is FAKE being in a relationship with chicks so they can get them to give it up proppah.

All of a sudden, your girl is akkin’ right. All of a sudden, she’s being all she can be. That’s all well and good, except for when it gets down the line and she starts wondering when the relationship’s going to escalate… because… she’s gonna be with you FOREVER, right? πŸ˜€ Y’all are getting married and having kids, right? πŸ˜€ Guys are perfectly willing to let gals believe this up until the point where they’re pressed for the information about “Where is this relationship going?”.

In most cases, “this relationship” isn’t “going” ANYWHERE. It IS what it IS. The guy is perfectly content with how things are between you and isn’t thinking about adding titles that don’t have any bearing whatsoever on his personal satisfaction with you. Of course, this leads to another revolution of the cycle, because women figure this out and start holding out on sex and other benefits until they get some kind of action from the guy. She wants an engagement ring. She wants a date for the wedding. She wants to be actually married to you, etc etc etc.

The saying is “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”. For gals, this means to hold out on the milk in order to get the guy to buy the cow. For guys, this means don’t bother buying the cow, because you can get the milk and keep your wallet and freedom intact. This is also why a lot of women get cheated on, because they think the guy wants THEM when the guy wants SEX or some other thing you’re not providing. As soon as he gets what he wants from the next chick, you’re through.

I’ve always found it interesting that women are often clueless as to the state of their relationships. It’s like they don’t have enough information about their men or enough authentic communication with them to understand what’s currently going on, and that’s affecting their ability to attempt to predict the future. Without communication, you’re a back-seat driver. Go along for the ride or dive out of the car. The reason you don’t know where your relationship’s going is that you have ZERO say or control over where it’s going, and that’s the way YOU’VE allowed it to be.

Women seem to have a hard time reeling this situation back in. They get to a point where their curiosity about progression outweighs their ability to enjoy the ride from the back seat. The problem is, they don’t REALLY want the answer to their question, hahaha πŸ˜€ If they ask and he says “I have no intention of marrying you or having kids with you”, all of a sudden, she has to make the decision to remain in this relationship (which was ALWAYS this way, she’s just finding out NOW), or to bail out right now, and take her chances back out on the dating scene, now that she’s definitely older and potentially less attractive than she was when she started dating her soon-to-be ex.

Since neither situation is preferable, women are literally SCARED TO ASK, and keep going in these relationships that are never going to be different than they are right now. This is as good as it gets. Take it or leave it. Stay or bounce. It’s all in the game. Welcome to the real world, Neo.

Women are also pressurized by the progress of their girlfriends’ relationships. When your girl’s homegirls start getting married and having kids, WATCH OUT!!! πŸ˜€ HERE IT COMES!!! πŸ˜€ “What are we doing?” “Where is this going?” “Are we just wasting time together?” “Has this all been for NOTHING?” blah blah blah blah blah…

A typical defensive tactic for guys in this situation is to put the blame on the gal for the “breakdown” of the relationship. It’s pretty crafty, actually, haha… When she starts asking about relationship progression, the guy acts like all of a sudden, she’s given him all these things to think about that he can’t handle. This means that he needs to think about these “deep” questions that she’s asked him, which means what????? πŸ˜€ That’s right…. “I need some space”. “I need time to think about what you said”. “I need to figure out what I really want”. “It’s not you… it’s me”. “I don’t know if I’m ready to commit”… If what he’s saying is true, he wasn’t thinking about having a future with you in the first place. Either way, what it means is that you’ve just been demoted from exclusive girlfriend to “friend”.

There’s nothing you can say about it either, because YOU’RE the one that asked him all these questions that he’s admitting he has no answer for at this point in time. YOU’RE the one that introduced mental turmoil. You’re saying you aren’t satisfied with how the relationship currently is or that you want some sort of statement from him indicating that things will ever be different, and he can’t (or won’t) provide that, so the relationship necessarily has to stall until he can “figure it out”. Meanwhile, “figuring it out” often involves dating other women to be “sure that you’re the one”… Yeah. Right. πŸ˜€

So this is why women are afraid to ask about the status of their relationships. They don’t want it to backfire on them, where they inadvertently end things instead of moving them towards the next level. At the same time, they don’t want to continue indefinitely in a relationship that might not end up with them getting titles, marriages, kids…. So it’s really a ‘lesser of the evils’ situation.

Meanwhile, it’s pretty simple for guys. You either have no girls, one girl or several girls. You’re having a good time or you’re not, and you’ll have a good time tomorrow or you won’t.. with the same gal or a different one. You’re messing with a particular chick or you’re not. You’re friends with a particular chick or you’re not. It’s pretty obvious whether she wants to be in a relationship with you or just hang out with you, and I think “Where is this relationship going?” rarely crosses our minds….. if EVER.


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    1. Thanks man. πŸ™‚ I also think it’s ACCURATE, based on how differently chicks act for no reason at all other than you told them one thing before and you’re telling them something different now.

      “We’re seeing each other”. “You’re my girlfriend”. “We’re not together anymore”… Simple statements that activate or deactivate her functionality…

  1. Ok, so I’m wondering something…

    I asked the man I’m seeing if he wants a committed relationship, and essentially he replied “I haven’t really thought about committment” and “it’s too soon – – it’s only been two months”, which he is right about.

    Ok, so here are my questions:

    1) Since I someday want a committed relationship with the man I am seeing, does that mean that I should dump him and move on? Would you suggest that I wait it out for two more months, six more months, a year just to find out???? And if yes, how long would you suggest that I “wait” to see if he “becomes” serious with me.

    2) What are women supposed to do when guys say they aren’t ready for commitment? I feel like a “back set” rider, with no control over the situation. HOW do I regain control? Leave? Sit back and accept being an FWB with no commitment? Wait to see if he “becomes” committed someday?


    1. Basically, what your relationship is lacking is authentic communication. You need to tell him what YOU want and he needs to tell you what HE plans. If he doesn’t plan ANYTHING, that’s your answer. Maybe he’ll be with you in the future and maybe he won’t.

      How long should you wait? Not at all. You should communicate NOW. Figure out the parameters and then decide what you’re going to do. If you wait, nothing happens for you. Everything remains status quo. If you push for some kind of indication of timing, he might eject, or he might give you a time where he will consider the situation.

      Either way, you have to bring the vague into the concrete. My major point to you is that guys who are trying to KEEP a chick make moves to LET HER KNOW that they want to keep her. If they don’t do that, they’re taking their chances that you’re gonna kick it with the next man.

      What women are supposed to do when guys say they aren’t ready for commitment is see if that fits into their gameplan. If it doesn’t, bounce. If you’d like to give him more time to “figure it out”, make a timetable for yourself. It’s like when people get out of jail. They’re not on parole INDEFINITELY. There’s an amount of time that’s set, and then parole is OVER.

      How do you regain control? I’m not sure you ever had any control in this situation. What you have control over is YOURSELF. You can choose to take a stand or not. You can choose to propose a timetable or not. You can choose to demand that he calls you his girlfriend or not. From everything you’ve written so far, for lack of a better term, it sounds like you’re jocking him and he could take you or leave you.

      1. Greetings,
        First, I’d like to express how happy I am to have stumbled upon your blog. Reading your advice/opinions, etc.. have really helped me out today.

        My situation is very similar to “Alexis'” here goes:

        I’ve been dating a young man for about 8 months now. When we first started “talking” he told me that “if I felt I wanted more from him, to let him know.” One thing I’d like to note is that everytime I spend time with him, it’s like he’s better than the day before. Our communication level is off the chain, and he is very open about his feelings and wishes. If I express a concern of mine, he willfully listens and then I notice the change. I love that about him. We speak several times throughout the day either via email, text, phone calls whatever! He let’s me know, play by play, what his plans are each day and he expects the same from me. He almost always answers his phone call and if not, it’s always returned within 20 minutes, if he’s in class he sends me a text letting me know, and that he will call me right back..and he does. The only time he doesn’t respond right away is if he’s playing basketball and so far that has only happend once. I’ve never met a guy as detailed and concise as he is. I am totally head over heels for him.
        A few weeks ago, I expressed my desire to be in a committed relationship. He tells me that he is not ready for a committed relationship because his whole life may change drastically in the next few months (graduating from law school, taking the bar exam in august). He also tells me, that he is not one that likes to break up. He says, he doesn’t see a point in getting in a committed relationship right now when after May hits, he won’t be able to see me as much, because he will be studying for his bar..he say’s that he will not be the same person he is now and he is not sure how I will respond to that. He then goes on to say, he and his ex-girlfriend (they’ve been separated 3 years now) attempted to stay together when he entered his first year of law school but then it didn’t work out because he didn’t get to see her as much. He is a very focused, goal- orientated man and I am well aware that it takes a considerable amount of time to prepare for this exam. I wouldn’t trip out if I knew he was studying. Basically, he doesn’t want the drama. He say’s things are fine the way they are now and that I should stop looking at the calendar and to stop listening to friends who are not in successful relationships. He then goes on to say that the relationship has been progressing and if it wasn’t he could understand my concern but I need to just “go with the flow”. He has all the characteristics I want in a man, and I can tell he is VERY different from the rest. My dad tells me to give him a year and not mention the relationship thing again; wait until he’s done with the bar. I don’t know what to do!!

        He claims that he is with me for more than the sexual aspect. Although sometimes I do wonder.

        Sometimes I wonder if he is only with me to pass the time; someone to keep him company, and then when he is done, he is going to move on to the next. He says that is not the case.

        When I expressed my desire to commit to him and he said that he is not ready at the moment he asked me how I felt about that. (I started to cry although he didn’t know until later) I told him that I would have to “keep my options open” because I didn’t want to put all my eggs in one basket with a man who may never commit. He asked me what I meant by that and I told him that by keeping my options open that infers exactly what I said but doesn’t mean that I would be sleeping with other people. He told me that wouldn’t work out, because it would change our relationship. Knowing that I’m with someone else would ruin everything “he is trying to build”. He claims that our relationship is exclusive, meaning that I am the only one he sleeps with and gives most of his time to. Ugh..this sucks! Basically, he acts like he’s my boyfriend, expects me to act as if i’m his girlfriend but he will not give it a label “at the moment”. I don’t know what to do! I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t want to waste my time either. I’ve agreed to stick it out with him for as long as I can and the next time I saw him, he was more affectionate than ever!
        This is so confusing! PLEASE HELP ME! Thanks in advance for whatever light you can shed in my darkness!

        1. Hey Marie. πŸ™‚

          Thanks for the props. Glad you’re getting something out of the blog. πŸ™‚

          First of all, if it’s currently 8 months after I started dating a gal, that means it’s currently 4 months after we already broke up! HAHAHA, ok, but seriously, folks.. πŸ˜€

          You have a very interesting situation here. There’s nothing wrong with your relationship at all other than the fact that it seems to be suspended with the only option to move BACKWARDS instead of FORWARDS.

          It’s good that y’all have this cutesy “I’m gonna call you right back” thing going on, but don’t rely on that as an indication of fidelity. It’s easy enough to talk on the phone with the next chick right next to you or have the next chick talk to her man on the phone with you right next to HER, so that’s nice and all, but keep your wits about you and don’t start depending on that as a crutch.

          I see what you’re saying about your “desire to be in a committed relationship”. I also see what he’s saying about “not liking to break up”. My uneducated interpretation of this exchange is that he knows damned well that if he starts dating you officially, at some point it’s going to be over, and then he has to break up with you or make you break up with him.

          The way I would attempt to explain this is that there’s a level of interaction where someone in a relationship decides that they’re satisfied with their current BF/GF. That doesn’t mean that they think this person is the be all and end all and they know they’re going to stay with them until they croak. It just means that under the current circumstances, with the people they know at this point in time, they feel like they’re with the best person for them… for now.

          This is different from having that “actually devoted, actually looking forward to sharing this entire life together to the exclusion of the billions of other people on this planet” feeling that IMO should be the impetus for someone saying “I want to marry you” or “I want you to marry me”.

          Unfortunately, both of these appear the same to the other person, the “current devotion” feeling and the “lifelong devotion” feeling. This is especially true when the other person is “head over heels” and wants to get this show on the road, heading towards marriage and whatever else.

          The good part about this is that it appears that this guy’s trying to be straight up with you. The easy thing to do would be to say “I love you too” and let you think you were on that path until he decided he wasn’t interested in you anymore and dumped you out of the blue. I’ve seen this happen to chicks, and it’s not pretty. I’ll definitely give him the credit that he COULD be running all over you like Jim Brown because you’re obviously hanging on his every word, and he’s not doing that to you.

          Also, the way I see things, there’s no such thing as “getting into” a committed relationship. You’re either committed or you’re not. It’s two individual decisions that appear to be one mutual decision. You’re committed to him or you aren’t. He’s committed to you or he isn’t. At this point, it looks like you’re committed to him and he’s not committed to you. There’s nothing wrong with that, but you have to see that a “committed relationship” doesn’t occur when the second person agrees, it’s when the first person agrees. You’re going to “act” committed to him because that’s what you want for yourself. The question is whether that’s going to get you anywhere other than currently enjoying the feeling of being head over heels for someone.

          May could easily be a problem because of studying for a test or because some other chick’s arriving in town at that point in time and his attentions are going to be split. I don’t know the guy. I have no idea. All I know is I graduated from MIT and got laid all the time, so I don’t see what taking a test has to do with hooking up with your “so-called girlfriend that you’re not in a committed relationship to”.

          Also, “Studying for the bar” becomes an all-purpose excuse not to talk to you whereas “Playing basketball” can’t be used 24/7. I dunno. Sounds like a bunch of excuses to me, letting you down easy for the eventual “This isn’t working for me, it’s me, not you, I don’t have time for this anymore” play. When I was with my ex, I took her to work WITH ME, she played video games WITH ME, pretty much whatever I was going to do was going to be made BETTER because she was there (except watching important movies / televison shows, because I need to be completely alone to enjoy those as someone breathing and God Forbid, TALKING or sneezing blows my immersion and ruins the experience for me). I know couples where BOTH OF THEM work and maybe BOTH OF THEM work on their own startups after their “pay the rent” work, and they still have time for each other, so… \o/

          Don’t you take the bar after you graduate law school?.. I find it interesting that he mentioned that the reason he broke up with his ex was that he was entering law school and now he’s telling you that he’s going to have less time for you after he exits law school O_o .. Sounds like a reunion to me.

          He’s right that you should stop listening to your friends. They’re going to tell you the typical information that’s going to get you dumped. They’re going to say that you should give him an ultimatum. They’re going to tell you that you should withhold sex. They’re going to tell you that if XYZ doesn’t happen by your 1-year anniversary, that that means something. That advice never works and results in more spinsters and old maids because misery loves company. They want to see you at the weekly Girls’ Night’ Out events, brooding and commiserating with them instead of being up under your man.

          Your Dad’s advice is decent, but only if you’re going to keep your wits about you. Don’t settle for what your boyfriend says. Make sure you’re monitoring the progress, lack of progress, how he feels, how he acts, etc. If it’s not working for you, bail and start something new.

          The main problem here is that you’re exactly where you want to be, but you have no control over the situation. At least you KNOW you don’t have any control, so you understand the playing field. Lots of women THINK they have control and find out otherwise when they break out the ultimatums and sex embargoes and find themselves ejected from the relationship.

          If he spends a lot of time with you, I’d agree that he’s with you for more than sex. That has nothing to do with whether he intends to ever date you exclusively.

          I don’t believe he’s “passing time” with you, but it does sound like he doesn’t feel like you’re the proverbial “One”. I guess the way I look at it is “If I’m going out with this chick today, what could happen tomorrow that would make me hook up with a different chick?” If the answer is obvious and there are lots of things that would make me “cheat” or break up with her, there’s no point in making my relationship to her official because it’s liable to become UNOFFICIAL at the drop of a hat.

          For example: “What if my ex comes to town and wants to give me some?.. Am I going to tell her I don’t want it because I’m with my current girlfriend now?.. Am I going to take it and not mention it to my girlfriend?.. Am I going to take it and tell my girlfriend I hooked up with another chick?.. Am I going to break up with my girlfriend before hooking up so she can’t say I cheated on her?”. Any of those answers besides “Nah, I’m not interested, My girl has that covered, Thanks.” isn’t good for YOU, so it’s better that he never says you’re official so you don’t experience that level of brokenheartedness.

          “Keeping your options open” is exactly what you should do, even though it sounds like something regurgitated from homegirl advice. You’ve already indicated that you want to move forward. He’s already indicated that he’s not willing to meet you there and mutually advance into “a committed relationship”, so if that’s what you really want, you should most definitely make yourself available to suitors that are interested in the same thing you’re interested in….. With the obvious caveat that these guys are going to “see you coming” and if they feel like taking the easy route, they just say “ok” to everything you want, regardless of whether they intend to give it to you or not.

          His reaction is a ‘funny’ one. Dudes have to realize that if they’re not going to step up to the plate, somebody else is, and their girls are gonna ‘get got’. Period. There’s no way around it. Dude just said he didn’t want to be exclusive with you (= in a committed relationship) and then when you turn around and say “ok, so then I’m not exclusive with you either”, he’s like nah, that doesn’t work for me. Y’all both have obvious positions. He doesn’t want to say he’s with you OR give you a timeline when he might change his mind, and you don’t want to wait around indefinitely. Both are valid points, and y’all are going to have to figure out how to compromise or agree to disagree.

          My suggestion to you in this situation is to split the difference. Keep dating him as-is, but keep your conversations open to other guys. What you don’t want to happen is that a year or two from now, you get the “I’m not feeling you” speech and you’re back on the dating scene with zero prospects because no guys know who you are because you were busy playing girlfriend to this dude. It doesn’t mean you have to actually date other guys, just make sure you keep one foot on the playing field so that if it goes the way it looks like it’s going to go, you shared a lot of good times with a guy that really floated your boat and when those ended, you started meeting up with the guys that already know what you’re about as a person and as a potential girlfriend because you stayed in contact with them while dude remained undecided.

          Good Luck! πŸ˜€

        2. Taking the bar exam is a horrendous experience that one one can possibly understand except for someone who takes it. I took it. And I took it at a time when I was just getting serious with a guy that I liked, and my advice to you is to BACK OFF.

          What do you mean by a “committed relationship?” You’ve got one! He told you he wasn’t seeing anyone else, and he treats you very well. But you responded by saying you were going to look for other guys, and he didn’t like that. You just created extra drama for him, and he doesn’t need that. He will probably do anything to avoid it in the next coming months.

          Imagine that you have invested perhaps $100,000 in an education that you can’t even use until you pass this insanely difficult test that most people fail on the first try. It’s shrouded in some kind of mystery. You have no idea what they’re going to throw at you, and all you have is three months to memorize every single aspect of criminal law, federal AND state constitutional law, contracts, torts, estates, etc, etc, etc. Your student loans are hounding you. Your future in this awful economy rides on you passing the bar ASAP so you can get a job ASAP. You will probably decide that nothing is going to stand between you and passing that exam.

          When I was taking the bar, I was with this perfect guy. He called me all the time, and he sent me his law notes (he had also gone to law school, but had already passed the bar), and he took me out for dates. But, apart from the law notes, all I ready needed from him at that time was to leave me alone to study. When I had free time, I called him. When I couldn’t study any more, I called him. But I didn’t want him to make me go out to dinner for 3 hours or take me to a play when I could have memorized at least 10 things staying at home. I just couldn’t deal with it! He was hounding me all the time for more attention. He didn’t understand why I was pulling back. After all, for him studying for the bar had been a big piece of cake!

          Well, I dumped him. If he had left me alone, I wouldn’t have.

          And also, this guy is probably going to have to work very long hours if he gets a job at a firm. He may not be able to come home until 10pm or 12am most nights. If you want him to be able to look into the future and envision the woman he comes home to after an extremely long day in the office, then you want him to see someone cool. If he sees you as too much work, then he’ll run away in a heartbeat.

          1. Thanks for your comments, Sarah. πŸ™‚ Those are really good points.

            Whenever you get involved with someone, you have to realize that they had their own lives going before they even met you, and that’s probably not going to change drastically, now that they have someone to hang out with and have sex with.

            They still have their goals in life. They still have their weekly or daily obligations. They still have to work and/or study.

            Getting involved with someone that’s already busy and then low-rating them for not changing for you is foolish.

            I only get to see a homegirl of mine once every 2-3 months. Would I like to see her more? Sure. Does her schedule allow that? Nope! πŸ˜€ .. What do you want me to do, press her to be less of a success in her career because I want to walk around with her in the park, holding hands??? hahaha GEEEEEEEEEEEEEET THE **** OUTTA HERE! >:D

            1. But you DO want to walk around with her in the park, holding hands! πŸ˜‰
              You just don’t.

              Yeah, when you know it’s not a front for dubious behavior (ahem) and if you really care then you’ll give them the time and the space they need to live their life. It’s a solid connection where you have as great a desire for them to excel as they do because you genuinely want them to succeed and be happy, etc. πŸ™‚

              1. Well, that’s exactly the point, Steve.

                People go into these relationships thinking about what they can GET, when there’s actually another person involved too.

                You can encroach on people for a while, maybe even a long while, but eventually, they’re going to resent you or tell you to back up offa them.

                Like you said.. If you know it’s not a front for kickin’ it with other people behind your back or whatever, you have to give them space if you actually care about the other person instead of just wanting a new toy to play with whenever you feel like it.

                Also, the more they can improve THEMSELVES, the more it improves YOUR RELATIONSHIP, so why wouldn’t people support each other in doing what they feel they need to do to better themselves or be as successful as they’re striving to be?

  2. This is the paragraph that confuses me…
    You wrote…
    “Since neither situation is preferable, women are literally SCARED TO ASK, and keep going in these relationships that are never going to be different than they are right now. This is as good as it gets. Take it or leave it. Stay or bounce. ItÒ€ℒs all in the game. Welcome to the real world, Neo.”

    Ok, so is it really as good as it gets? Are you saying that all currently non-committal men will remain non-commital always (i.e. “this is as good as it gets”).

    Can you provide info/advice on HOW we women can regain control once we KNOW that our man is non-commital? Leave? Accept it as it is and wait?

    And what if you’re a woman (like me) who is not used to this “non-commital/fwb” thingy, and wants more someday? Yes, I’d LOVE to regain control, but I do not know how to do it.


    1. I can’t speak for all guys, and I certainly can’t speak for this guy in particular, since I don’t know him… or you. Is there a chance that he’ll decide eventually that he wants to be with you exclusively? Yes. Is there a chance that he’ll decide he likes things as they are and there’s no need for escalation? Yes.

      Put it this way. He’s already tappin’ it. What’s his benefit in calling you a girlfriend or marrying you or doing ANYTHING other than what he’s already doing? He’s already getting what he wants from you.

      My opinion on women getting a non-committal man to select them as an exclusive girlfriend is to prove yourself in the trenches. It’s all you can do. He’s going to select you over other women based on your merit, usefulness and personality. It’s like asking me how people could get in front of me in the Google search results for “Avoid Pregnancy”. The only answer is to write a more popular article than mine.

      The only way to get a guy to commit to you is to outclass the rest of the women competing with you (read: the entire rest of the female population on the planet).

  3. And if “where is this relationship going” rarely crosses your minds, then when do guys like ya’ll ever get married (or atleast in a committed relationship)??? I’m just wondering… is there a specific breed of guys that is like this, and yet another breed of guys who love the idea of marriage? Reason why I ask, is because I’ve known lots of men who did not do these things very much(Fwb, casual sex, etc…), and got married and are quite happy (or atleast they “say” they are).

    1. hmm… Why in the world SHOULD we get married? O_o

      What’s the point?

      That’s not everyone’s goal in life. Some people just want to have good times and hawt chicks to share those good times with. Period. Not everyone’s on the path to a committed relationship. Unfortunately for women, guys will Act As If so that they can get laid, regardless if they have any intentions of making you their girlfriend/wife/whatever.

      The other problem you have is that guys who actually WANT to get married…. ARE married. It’s no big deal to get a chick to want to marry you. Right now, you’re throwing yourself at this guy. If he just wanted to be married in general, all he would have to do is throw some choice words at you and make you feel special and he’ll be walking down the aisle.

      There are too many women looking for men who want to get married for those men to remain on the market for very long at all.

  4. …and also (sorry for all of the posts)…

    Because this subject intrigues me, I have 2 more questions…

    1) Now that I’ve kinda scared him off a bit with my “where is this relationship going?” question, is it best if I tell him that “I’m having sex with others” (even when I’m not), and that he is welcome to do the same? Or will that piss him off?

    2) If not, then would it be a good idea if I atleast told him that we should “date” other people. I would say this in a very positive (not angry) way to him.

    Your help, suggestions, and comments are much appreciated.

    “I do not want to feel helpless anymore”

    1. lolololol πŸ˜€ First of all, he’s ALREADY welcome to do the same. YOU can’t offer to him to screw other women. He’s going to do that if he feels like it.

      Second.. It’s really not in your best interest to try out techniques you have no experience with. You have no idea how he’s going to react. There are lots of guys that feel fine screwing several chicks, so long as every single one of them is ONLY screwing him. Telling him something like that could get you ejected with the quickness. It also *might* get him to commit to you, but I totally doubt that.

      Same thing for telling him who he can or can’t date. You have no say or control over that.

  5. Ok, I’m understanding all of this ALOT more now, thanx to you and Frank… particularly since your writings are very clear and concise. I now have a definite plan of action to execute, and here it is…

    1) I’m going to give my man friend some time – – ’till December 31, 2009 (I know it’s a long time, but I think I’d like to give it a shot). I will not share this date nor my plans about it, with him. It’ll be my own private “timetable”, as you mentioned.

    2) I will, from now on, leave him alone (I won’t boycott sex, but I will be sure that he sees that it is NOT something we will do on EVERY SINGLE date). Maybe every three dates or so (rather than “every” single time we’re together).

    3) I will stop being so “readily” available and no more “jocking” (never heard of that term before, but looked it up on Urbandictionary.com lol! New to me, but I get it!). I definitely am “chasing” him, whereas before HE was chasing me. So… now that I realize this, I’m going to hang and chill, and if he calls, great. If he doesn’t, ok.

    4) Because I am a “one man” woman, and because he immediately told me he is “not promiscuous” and “does NOT want just a ‘casual’ thing with me”, I’m going to take what he said at face value for now (but proceed with caution internally, knowing that it could, in fact, be a lie just to get it on with me).

    5) I’m also going to be very nice (no complaints to him about “commitment” and no more talk of relationship labels like girlfriend or boyfriend). I KNOW he likes me ALOT, but I am wayyyy too available, and that has to stop.

    6) In addition, I’m going to live my life to its fullest, work hard in my career, and hang with my friends and family, rather than hangin’ around “waiting” for HIM.

    7) Although we’ve already been doin’ the wild thang, I’m going to slow things down a bit as to “how many” times we actually see eachother within a week. We already only see eachother 1 – 2 times per week, and it’s gone down to 1 day a week. So, perhaps we’ll see eachother ONLY 1 day/week until September. (I’ll be sure to be pleasant and nice through all of it. I usually am anyway, and we laugh alot together, so that’s cool! :))

    I reallllly like this man alot, but I gotta stop with the “dependent” and “out-of-control” behavior… And I’ve GOT to get IN control from this point on! So I will ! ! ! And I will let ya’ll know the results in a month or two if that’s ok with you. πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ This is definitely a good “case study” for lots of women out there who have similar issues with a man.

    Thank youuuuuuuuuuuuu! You are the best! And so is Frank. I’m really glad I found this site! Peace!

  6. 1. Having a date. Excellent. This way, you can gauge your progress. If you hit the wall at that point, you know you gave it “The old college try”, and you’re making an educated decision instead of something rash and spur-of-the-moment. You’re STILL going to have to communicate with him between now and then for that to be useful.

    2. Scheduling sex is a gimmick (see my series on Analyzing “The Rules”). That may or may not get you any useful results. Personally, if a chick that I was actually “with” (not hanging out with as friends, and whatever’s clever for that day) told me that she was only going to have sex with me a certain percentage of the time, I’d either a) only see her on those days when she was down with the program, because I’m not interested in spending time with anyone that’s not bringing their A-Game to the table, b) still date her and get rid of her early so I could meet other chicks who wanna get with this DIRECTLY after spending platonic time with her bull****ting ass, or c) dump her entirely as far as romantic interactions, though I’d keep her as a friend if she was cool/fun to hang out with.. bail on the physical part entirely.

    3. “No more jocking” only works if you’re not honestly jocking (sweating) him. Does that make sense? πŸ™‚ I’ve tried that before… Telling myself that I wasn’t going to be physically interested in some chick because of her mental ineptitude or the stupid way she carries herself as a person, and it NEVER works. Your body does that for you. You feel moved by someone or you don’t. You don’t get to dictate whether you’re sweating someone or not, all you get to do is HIDE IT and languish in your own unrequited sweat haha πŸ˜€

    4. Taking what he said at face value is worthwhile so long as you can trust him. As much information as I get from women, I know that they’re only telling me as much as they’re COMFORTABLE telling me, so I never take anything they say as “God’s Honest Truth”, because down the line, the stories tend to change. Then again, I live in the NYC fast game, where we meet and lose each other over the course of one day, not months or years, so you have to make assesments of people quickly and roll with it.

    5. It’s good to stop complaining about words, however, make sure you remain vigilant as far as his treatment of you and his apparent feelings towards you. Not saying anything might equal compliance to him. At the same time you don’t want to appear as a NAG, you also don’t want to appear as a chick that’ll just take anything he offers you. Make what you want known and use your timetable to determine whether he’s making progress in the direction you want, then make your decision.

    6. Spend the time of yours that he’s not taking up meeting OTHER. GUYS. He’s made it clear that he’s not making an active play to lock you down and apparently, your goal is to BE locked down by a guy, so keep your options open. Only shut your options down when the guy that YOU want to be with LETS YOU KNOW he’s down for the same thing you’re down for and you believe him, because of careful, educated observation.

    I was on the way to see this one chick and met a different one on mass transit. The new chick was completely sweating me, but I didn’t care, because I was already going to see a chick and didn’t need any more girls at that particular moment. When I got there, the chick fronted and I was kicking myself for not booking (getting her number) the chick on mass transit so I could have bounced from that lame situation directly to a chick that was bout-it bout-it. Don’t play yourself by thinking “I’ve got a man” and passing up opportunities to befriend or date guys that are coming after you for the reasons you want them to.

    Also, living your life to the fullest is the BEST thing you can do. Too many women get sidetracked by their physical relationships and their career and life goals get tossed away. Ultimately, the better you are at BEING YOU, the more attractive you’re going to be to guys that are looking for impressive women.

    7. Stopping being dependent only works if you’re HONESTLY not dependent on him or whomever you happen to be dating at the time.

    You’re welcome, Alexis, and please do update us down the road. Frank and I are planning an episode of our audio podcast Street Game to debate your situation, so stay on the lookout for that.

    My overall assessment from what you’ve written over the last couple of days is that you actually ARE a worthwhile female to get to know… Your problem is a typical one, that you put the cart before the horse. You want to be in a committed relationship with the guy of your choosing… Except you didn’t choose him from his merits and the way he treats you. You chose him from your own fantasies about being with him. He’s not living up to those fantasies and instead of seeing reality, you’re hanging on to the dream for dear life. He’s either going to live into that by December or you’ll recognize who he’s actually being towards you and you’ll be able to make an educated decision at that point instead of just letting it ride and HOPING that your relationship and therefore your LIFE will be what you want it to be.

  7. 1) You wrote: “YouÒ€ℒre STILL going to have to communicate with him between now and then for that to be useful.” And you also wrote: “Not saying anything might equal compliance to him. At the same time you donÒ€ℒt want to appear as a NAG, you also donÒ€ℒt want to appear as a chick thatÒ€ℒll just take anything he offers you. Make what you want known and use your timetable to determine whether heÒ€ℒs making progress in the direction you want, then make your decision.”

    Ok, it seems you’re telling me that there’s a balance… it’s a precarious balance between “not being a nag” vs. “making it ‘known’ to him, what I want”. Cool. But HOW, WHAT, and WHEN to make this “balance” happen? I’m so clueless.

    Bill, can you give me the SPECIFICS on “how” to communicate, “when” to communicate, and “what” to communicate. For example, after a couple of more months of hangin’ with him, do I (say, in late August) go out with him to dinner and ask him, “I’m really havingt a great time since we’ve been seeing eachother… I totally love being with ya. Are we “exclusive?” I’m at a loss for the EXACT wording and timing of it all, Bill. Are there SPECIFIC examples of words/ways to phrase things to him, and how many weeks/months into this relationship should I bring up this stuff to him. Not really sure what you mean by “communicate”… Can ya tell I’m rusty at this stuff? LOL.

    2) You wrote: “Scheduling sex is a gimmick (see my series on Analyzing Ò€œThe RulesÒ€). That may or may not get you any useful results.”

    Ok. I understand. I will definitely not “schedule” sex.

    …But how do I find out FOR SURE that it’s not like he’s “tapping” me just for sex? I certainly don’t want to boycott sex (and I know you would not suggest boycotting sex). By the same token, I WANT TO BE SOMETHING MORE than just “a girl he has sex with”

    We are really attracted to one another… it’s very passionate. But I don’t want to be just another “object” or “tapping source” in the casual sense. I DON’T want sex to be our ONLY focus (and quite honestly, I’ve made it REALLY easy for SEX to be very PRIMARY in our relationship, by consistantly driving to his home, where it’s so easy just to jump in bed and get wild). So, Bill, my question is… is it best to INCREASE our QUALITY/Friendship time together (e.g. having dinner, taking walks, etc…), so that sex is not ALL WE DO ALL THE TIME? How do I manage this, so as not to be a mere SEX machine.

    I think I’ve really made it sooooo easy for us to be constantly sexual. Now I’ve set it up so that he can access me whenever he wants to… He calls, I come over, we talk a bit, maybe eat somethig, and… have SEX.

    WHAT can I do to modify this. I’d much rather be “getting to know him” intellectually and emotionally – – But now that he’s already tapped me, it’s kinda hard to reverse this situation. Maybe I “gave it up” too soon (which is what ALOT of “relationship” experts seem to say in their books. But, damnit, it’s too late for that… I already gave it up! So, now I need to change things around a bit… make more fun dates, going out, going to the beach, going to interesting events, etc…? Am I right, Bill?

    4) HIS accessibility vs. MY accessibility…

    I’m wayyy to accessible, IMHO… Too quick to answer my phone, etc…

    …But by the same token, I don’t see him but 1-2x week, and I don’t call him for days (and only to return his calls)… and don’t even text him anymore as of this week since he doesn’t like texting and talking on the phone.

    Bill, EVERY mode of communication with this dude is shaved down to NOTHING… He doesn’t like people to leave messages in his phone (he told me that from day one) and so I’ve NEVER left any messages. He doesn’t like texting too much, so I have whittled that down to practically NOTHING. And he doesn’t care for emails, so I’ve shaved that down to practically NOTHING. I’ve complied 100% with ALL of this, in order to be respectful of him, and so as not so SCARE him away with an overload of contact.

    So, nothing is really in my control, except just to hang in there, have fun in my life, and if he calls, then great (but I don’t want to say “yes” everytime he calls me to come over, because I don’t want to be so accessible as to seem “easy” or “dependent”).

    So, how the heck do I have some semblance of NORMAL/HEALTHY communication with someone who is so “inaccessible”??? Arghhh. This is so confusing!


    Thanks again for all of your help. I do want the opportunity to make an informed decision about our relationship. I just don’t quite know the PARTICULARS about how to make the “balance” happen, WHAT to say, WHEN to say it…

    I’d love to “TRUMP” all competition out there. I’d love to be his exclusive girlfriend. But I don’t see that happening unless HE is willing to engage in normal and consistent communication… not much I can do there, except live my own life.

    1. ok, I cant wait to get to the audio on this…

      Alexis: seriously (and this coming from just putting myself in his sitaution and not knowing either one of you) I dont think I can commit to someone who is so determined to be commited. Truth be told my longest raltionship was 6+years and after that its my current, about to be 2. NEITHER time was it discussed, IT JUST HAPPENED! Other than that I would say the extent of my relationships have been from a couple of hours to maybe a couple of months! and trust when i say i have been blessed with having had my fair share and the shares of others in some cases. Anyone who even broached the subject of a committed relationship this early in the mix, would be kicked to the curb almost ASAP!

      From your original comments on a previous post I could sense the frustration and angst in your writing. Its been 2 months. For you to be this annoyed, it means you started this at the one month (if not earlier) mark which would mean that to most men, IT WAS WAY TOO EARLY TO DISCUSS such a complex issue. I also read where you wrote that you were in a LTR and I think this might just be the problem. since you are used to being in one anything less is not satisfying for you. But uhm… You arent in that realtionship anymore. So realtionships arent exactly your forte (regardless of who is to blame for the demise of). if you got out of one after such a long time, dont you want to test the waters and “see” if you still know how to swim?? Bill doesnt think you are being a nag, Bill doesnt…

      Again, dont know either of you but if it were me, I’d be scared silly off that woman on the other end of the phone who cant slow down and smell the roses.

      FYI: My 6yr ended because i was fully convinced that she was more in love with being in a relationship than she was with me. She was more in love with the prospect of getting married than she was with the thought of marrying me. I was emotionally done with this chick by the 2nd year. Not wanting to be the bad guy and hurt her I chose not to be the one who initiated the break up and the sex was pretty good anyway. BUT eventually all that “SHYT” will run its course. You either want to be with ME or you just want to be with the movie inspired, girly romanticized idea of a relationship.

      I would LOVE to hear his side of it!

      damn, i hope i left something for the audio.

  8. Some statements, since I haven’t been able to get around to the audio on this as I’m revamping my site…

    There is ZERO precarious balance between being a nag and making something known to someone. If I tell a chick one time “Stop wearing flip flops because you look like a bum that can’t afford shoes” or “Stop wearing maternity dresses, you’re not pregnant” or “Stop putting my business in the streets”, that’s letting her know what I want, require or request. If I CONTINUOUSLY TALK ABOUT THE SAME THING, I’m being a nag…. So my point is that you need to come up with your agenda, speak your piece and let the clock start ticking.

    WHAT to communicate is whatever you want your relationship to eventually be.
    HOW to communicate is in a way where he thinks you’re serious and not just running your mouth.
    WHEN to communicate is YESTERDAY.

    As far as “Are we exclusive”, I have to write a post about that. That seems to be one of the main disconnects between men and women, other than sex itself. The problem is that he has no incentive to tell you he’s NOT exclusive with you and take the chance that you give it up less…

    As far as how many weeks into the relationship, my point is that people put the cart before the horse all the time and call themselves in “relationships” with people they don’t even know. If people did things the right way, which would be to spend time together and get to know each other and then DECIDE whether y’all want to be in a relationship or not, your lives would be better… What normally happens is women make themselves exclusive to a guy while he taps whatever he likes and then the gals wonder if he’s having sex with other chicks.

    The time to talk about relationship goals is BEFORE you get into a relationship with someone. Does that make sense? Do you ask whether the brakes work on a car before you start driving downhill? O_o How long do you want to roll down the hill before you test whether the brakes are actually going to slow the car down? Get it?

    How do you find out for sure whether he just wants sex from you? hahahahaha Stop giving it to him. See if he calls you ever again. Since I doubt you want to go down that avenue, take what I said as a joke instead of a technique.

    That’s another thing women are really, REALLY concerned about. Does he “just” want sex?.. There are lots of chicks that NOBODY wants sex from, so y’all should be happy to be getting attention at all. Having said that, it’s clear that your relationship goal with him is more than having as much good sex as you can get, so whatever you tell him is going to have to reflect that.

    You haven’t made it easy for sex to be primary in your relationship. Sex *IS* primary in your relationship. Not just yours, ALL of them. Otherwise, it’s a friendhip, Capisce? Believe me, if he didn’t want to have sex with you, we wouldn’t have been having ANY of these conversations, because he would never have started dating you in the first place. I’m not saying anything about you personally, just that’s how guys work. There’s no reason whatsoever to date a chick you don’t want to have sex with.

    You may or may not have the option to increase your “quality/friendship” time with him. A lot of women believe that if they have less sex with a guy, he’ll spend more non-sexual time with them. In reality, guys spend their time lining up the next lay, unless there’s something very interesting about you as a person or y’all share actual hobbies & interest other than messing with each other.

    Having said that, it’s ALWAYS in people’s best interest who are dating each other to maximize the quality time they spend with each other, whether sex is involved or not.

    The reason the pattern goes talk, eat, SEX is because that’s why he’s inviting you over, to have sex. There’s nothing wrong with that. That may or may not have him thinking about you exclusively. There’s no way to be sure. What you need to do is let him know what you’re thinking and hope he decides to be honest with you about what he’s thinking, whether that’s to make you his girlfriend, FWB or nothing.

    Now that he’s tapped you, it’s kind of IMPOSSIBLE to reverse the situation, haha.. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s possible that without the level of physical involvement you’ve had with him, you wouldn’t even be in POSITION to THINK you might get to be his girlfriend.

    There’s no such thing as “Gave it up too soon” (of course, Frank’s going to disagree with this, as I already know from an as-yet-unreleased episode of Street Game, hahaha). Everything’s based on your personality. If he’s into you as a person, you can give it up on day 1 hour 1 and he’ll still kick it with you indefinitely. If he’s not into your way of being, you’re toast as soon as he’s no longer interested in hittin’ it.

    As far as fun dates, that should be happening if you’re his so-called girlfriend.. Unless staying home and messing is the most fun the two of you could have together, then I can understand that. I chatted with Frank about that too on an episode. You really don’t want to be out in public with your guy where he’s going to be seeing a lot of other chicks he wants to get with and you’re only going to receive a fraction of his attention instead of all of it at home.

    I’m going to think about this stuff, Alexis. This is really BASIC material, but I’ve never really looked at it from a defensive position from the chick’s side. Guys don’t have to worry about WHEN we give it up. All we have to do is make sure she got off on whatever we did to her so she wants more of it in the future. There is no “I got him to give it up easy”, because that’s what we’re talking to you for is sex in the first place. You could have gotten it in the first minute you met him. ‘Matter of fact, he wanted to give it to you before you physically laid eyes on him, because he was checking YOU out ahead of time for the purpose.

    As far as not calling him, that’s well and good except your demeanor is going to tell him whether you’re sweating him or not. Also, since you’re not taking his **** with you when you leave his house, there’s no telling what he’s doing with it while you’re not calling. If he wants to hook up with YOU, he’ll contact you and tell you so. Spending time away from a guy is only effective if he doesn’t have any other chicks.

    Most of the time, people that don’t like to get messages, text messages or emails know that their phone is liable to be compromised… meaning READ BY ANOTHER GIRL, like happened to CHRIS BROWN, dig?

    I had this happen to me one time… ONE TIME!!!. I hadn’t actually done anything and I had a message on my machine, so I played it in front of my then-girlfriend. Unfortunately, it was the fellaz laughing on the phone and asking me if I hooked up with the chick that I extracted from the party the night before. So, Yeah, I looked stupid and that was that. That was the last time I played a message so that some other chick could hear it. As far as texts / emails.. If you enjoy keeping your phone locked, go ahead and let chicks text and email you. If you don’t, and you don’t want to end up stressed out, tell chicks that you don’t like ANYBODY to text you or email you and that they can’t get your home number because whateverwhatever.

    You’re right that nothing *IS* in your control. The only control you have in the situation is like I’ve been saying.. a) to make your desires known, and b) if you don’t get the action you want in the timeframe you want, move on to the next guy or NO guy if that’s better than being with a guy that doesn’t intend to give you what you want.

    The way you have normal conversation with him is to… have normal conversation with him. You wouldn’t have to leave messages if he picked up the phone. O_o If you’re feeling particularly balls-y, the next time he invites you over for sex, keep talking to him. He’s either going to entertain your conversation or THROW. YOU. OUT. for non-compliance, haha Good Luck!

    The way to trump the competition is to be better than them. Straight up. That’s all you have to do. Unfortunately, without communication, he’ll never know who you really are as a person, which is what he’s going to have to use to decide whether he wants to be exclusive with you. There’s no reason for a guy to choose a chick for sex he can get elsewhere, like there’s no reason for a gal to choose a guy for money she can get elsewhere.

  9. Bill…

    Do these sound like good goals? (I’ll word them with more care, when I speak to him personally)…

    By December, I would like to establish that “we are exclusive sexually”

    By December, I would like to be able to leave messages on your phone.

    By December, I would like us to let it be implied that we are together, if in fact, we decide that we ARE in fact a “couple” by then.

    In your opinion, Bill, should any of these three goals be expected to be reached BEFORE december? In other words, am I giving him TOO LONG of a span of time to make good on the goals???

  10. Bill. I’ve been with my guy for about 4 1/2 months.. We are exclusive. It happened the ‘natural’ way. Just by spending time and meeting his friends and family it just came out one day that he referred to me as his girl and that was that.. I am 5 1/2 years older than him. He is 27 and I am 33. Although we communicate pretty good when it comes to questions I might have about our realtionship I feel his nature of answering is more of a safe ‘tone’ or he only speaks giving the minimal amount of info without indulging to much info. I know by the way Im writing it may seem like he is being a player but it’s not the case.. I trust he is not lying but just genuinely wants to be careful with his choice words because I think he is wise to know how women can interpret things sometimes and may just be aware of the fact he’s not the best at communicating..(this is my true gut feeling) That being said. Being he can seem a little ambiguous, my question to you is when I feel it’s come to the point when I want to be a little more assertive or for him to been a little more assertive with gaging where our relationship is going do you think it’s ‘cheezy’ to have a list of questions that I want to address as far as long terms goals? I sometimes have a little trouble remembering the important things I want to address in the moment.. Thanks!

  11. Hey MM. Thanks for the comment. πŸ™‚

    It’s not only “not cheesy” to have a list of questions to address, it’s IMPERATIVE that you do. You don’t want to bring things up every couple of weeks or months… “Oh yeah… I want this too”… “Oh yeah… I forgot to mention that!”.. No good.

    What you want to do is prepare that list as you recognize things that you really feel are an issue for you or that you’d like to know the direction of. If you prepare the list close to the moment when you feel each issue, you’ll be sure that your list is filled with things that are honestly important to you.

    Also, these conversations aren’t easy, emotionally. If you try to remember it off the top of your head and you get thrown off, emotionally, in a positive or negative direction, important points are going to disappear from your thoughts. This isn’t a play or a movie haha it’s your life. You’re not obliged to memorize the script. Also, if you end up talking about one issue for a long time, you might forget some of the things you wanted to mention.

    When it’s that time, let him know that you have a list of things you want to talk to him about. I’m sure he’ll appreciate your thoroughness and thoughtfulness in putting the list together and it’ll make him more likely to take you seriously and pay attention to what you say and feel.

    Good Luck! πŸ˜€

  12. Alas,it seems that Betty of the famed Archie comics has had to answer this very question as of today. Archie Comics #600: Where is Bettys relationship with Archie going? Nowhere! he proposed to and got a YES from Veronica!

    Even in fantasy land, she who puts out gets it!!! LOL

    1. That’s kind of funny, huh? πŸ˜€ It’s funny how gals go through all these pains NOT to give it up when it’s clear that getting with the program is the only way they’re going to stay in the game long enough to receive the grand prize! πŸ˜€

      Congrats to Veronica!!! πŸ˜€

      1. Then Betty is the lucky one. Veronica totally settled imo. She’s a rich girl, really attractive, obviously the popular, hot one of the school. Why Archie? Seriously. Even as a child, I never understood why two hot girls would be arguing over an average ginger boy.

        1. Archie Andrews represents the EveryMan. He could be anybody. He could be you. If Archie can pull a fine, rich chick, you can too.

          It’s the same reason why Michael Cera keeps getting movies. Is he funny? Yes. However, he’s also a lanky, non-athletic, easily picked-on geek, but somehow, he ends up with the girl he wants at the end of the movie. He’s the 2000’s John Cusack, except that JC was cool in his movies and MC isn’t.

          The Archie comics are easily understood if you understand the society at large. It’s about guys succeeding in life and getting what they want, not girls.

          1. I just don’t think it’s realistic — in real life, Betty and Veronica would both be after Reggie, Veronica’s counterpart in the school.

            1. Agreed. It’s not realistic. It’s a comic book. It’s not SUPPOSED to be realistic.

              It’s supposed to be a fantasy for the Everyman that he can pull a hawt chick or a rich chick and live the life he always dreamed about.

              Look at that movie that’s out now, “Scott Pilgrim vs. the World”. Is that realistic? No. Is Michael Cera supposed to be pulling chicks? No.

              Michael Cera represents the Everyman. “If THIS dork can get girls, so can you” is the theme of all his movies. It’s comfort food for males.

              It’s not supposed to represent the reality, which is that the best girls are going to go after the best guys in all situations, and vice versa.

  13. Well… I can honestly say me and my new boyfriend are moving forward in a very good direction. Great sex, excellent conversation, beautiful dinner dates, 2 cruises, and he calls me his “girlfriend” ALOT. πŸ˜‰ Leaving the drama out of the relationship, and keepin’ in simple is what made the difference… Nothin’ but pure fun and laughs over the past three weeks, and lots of calls, emails, and texts from him. πŸ™‚ Thanx for your website guys.

    1. Editorial Question for you, “Alexis”. πŸ™‚

      Since you posted that reply from a different email address from the “Alexis” that was posting here on the site a while back, I’m not sure if your statement above means that you are the SAME Alexis and that the SAME guy you were talking about has now claimed you as his girlfriend…. or that you’re a different Alexis, who has a nice relationship with her boyfriend.

      Strange that I never thought about this before, since I have so few “regulars” that post comments here, and I’ve never had to deal with different people that had the same first name.

      Thanks for clearing this up. My reply will depend on which Alexis you are. πŸ˜€

  14. Hey Bill! I just read your most recent blog “How to get to know your boyfriend” it made me think about some things.. I have commented on your posts before and I wanted your “man third-party opinion” πŸ˜€

    So me and the guy I’m still seeing are not seeing each other at all.. This happened once before when he was “going through some stress” for about a month and I didn’t believe him.. We hardly spoke and never saw him.. I said before I thought it was someone else.. I gave up backed away he “felt” better and we picked back up.. BUT, here we go again. Things were back great his grandfather died and he has been taking it pretty hard. Luckily this time as he’s going through his stress he’s not leaving me out but we’re not seeing each other really… Rewind a few weeks back.. I had HAD IT and took it personally that he was doing all these other things and not making physical time for me..(Hanging with his boys.. Playing xbox all day). So, I was ignoring him at work, not replying to his texts, told him I was tired of feeling like a random a** chick etc.. I called him back a couple nights later to talk about it and he was being a jerk and acted like he didn’t have the time… So I was very upset.. (BTW) I know where we stand right now.. He has told me in my “where is this relationship going” talk that he needs time to get stuff in line with his other career aspirations as in his last relationship he put it on hold for her and regrets every bit of it… He has also said he’s not seeing anybody else (hmmmm?) And he wants me to be patient with him as I’m his prototype and knows I’m the best.. . He called me back the night afterwards and broke it down.. Started crying about his fam.. Told me he knows he’s bad with expressing his self and he was sorry. Said he cared about me so much etc etc.. I told him I needed to be around and he assured he would get there again.. That he’s been upset and angry and hanging out with his friends is diff than being with me.. He said I have all 3.. Lol the good kick it vibe, the good talking vibe and the good sex.. He says you’re lucky if you get two.. I know I’m a good woman and bring a lot to the table but.. It’s crazy and makes no sense to me how we can talk all the time and we could be hanging out.. We text for hours daily and talk on the phone a couple times a week.. I’m there for him 100 pcnt and basically waiting for nothing promised.. But I know he cares and I do to..is this normal Bill? I mean it’s obviously not normal but what do you think?? He’s very honest and I like that.. Lol the girl he dated at my work some months be fore me said he saw her for a month and then when she asked him what happened when they stopped talking he told her “I found someone I like to hang out with better than you”.. Lol that sounds mean but I knew that going in and appreciated that honesty.. But I’m very confused..

  15. Hey Bill! I just read your most recent blog “How to get to know your boyfriend” it made me think about some things.. I have commented on your posts before and I wanted your “man third-party opinion” πŸ˜€

    So me and the guy I’m still seeing are not seeing each other at all.. This happened once before when he was “going through some stress” for about a month and I didn’t believe him.. We hardly spoke and never saw him.. I said before I thought it was someone else.. I gave up backed away he “felt” better and we picked back up.. BUT, here we go again. Things were back great his grandfather died and he has been taking it pretty hard. Luckily this time as he’s going through his stress he’s not leaving me out but we’re not seeing each other really… Rewind a few weeks back.. I had HAD IT and took it personally that he was doing all these other things and not making physical time for me..(Hanging with his boys.. Playing xbox all day). So, I was ignoring him at work, not replying to his texts, told him I was tired of feeling like a random a** chick etc.. I called him back a couple nights later to talk about it and he was being a jerk and acted like he didn’t have the time… So I was very upset.. (BTW) I know where we stand right now.. He has told me in my “where is this relationship going” talk that he needs time to get stuff in line with his other career aspirations as in his last relationship he put it on hold for her and regrets every bit of it… He has also said he’s not seeing anybody else (hmmmm?) And he wants me to be patient with him as I’m his prototype and knows I’m the best.. . He called me back the night afterwards and broke it down.. Started crying about his fam..(( Understand he’s a big ego you never see me cry and I’m “hard” cool type type dude )) Told me he knows he’s bad with expressing his self and he was sorry. Said he cared about me so much etc etc.. I told him I needed to be around and he assured he would get there again.. That he’s been upset and angry and hanging out with his friends is diff than being with me.. He said I have all 3.. Lol the good kick it vibe, the good talking vibe and the good sex.. He says you’re lucky if you get two.. I know I’m a good woman and bring a lot to the table but.. It’s crazy and makes no sense to me how we can talk all the time and we could be hanging out.. We text for hours daily and talk on the phone a couple times a week.. I’m there for him 100 pcnt and basically waiting for nothing promised.. But I know he cares and I do to..is this normal Bill? I mean it’s obviously not normal but what do you think?? He’s very honest and I like that.. Lol the girl he dated at my work some months be fore me said he saw her for a month and then when she asked him what happened when they stopped talking he told her “I found someone I like to hang out with better than you”.. Lol that sounds mean but I knew that going in and appreciated that honesty.. But I’m very confused..

  16. I had to come back and comment on this one. “Personally speaking, my relationships to women arenÒ€ℒt Ò€œgoingÒ€ anywhere at all. We like each other or we donÒ€ℒt. We hang out together or we donÒ€ℒt. WeÒ€ℒre messing with each other or weÒ€ℒre not.” This is clean, this is tidy and this makes sense but for some women time spent in “hanging out together” and “messing with each other” leads us to believe: “oh he’s feeling me, I’m feeling him, maybe we should call it something” I wish we could all hit the brakes right there. To me worrying about the title and such takes away from right now. If a woman is enjoying a man right NOW why worry about where the “relationship”, whatever that means, is going. What is wrong with Mr Right Now?

    1. Yess’M. Absolutely. πŸ™‚

      That’s the entire point. The system is set up so that if there isn’t a feeling of progression, women want to bail out of an otherwise perfect relationship. Also, if there isn’t the PROMISE of progression, beforehand, women want to act as if what’s genuinely offered to them by a guy isn’t worth as much as it is from someone that knows what stories to tell them to get them on board with the program.

      Meanwhile, during all this jockeying for position, EVERYONE misses out on authenticity. Guys are inauthentically jumping through hoops so they can maintain their relationships to chicks and chicks are accepting this jumping as ‘love of them’ instead of ‘fear of losing the relationship’. It’s completely unhealthy and it’s the reason why there are so many BAD breakups. People hang on and hang on and hang on to their relationships until they get so stressed out by what the other person put them through that they REALLY dislike them after the fact.

      I would much rather have a little of something GENUINE than a lot of something that isn’t. I can go out and have drinks with one of my close female friends, have great conversation, not mess with them at all and head home knowing I had a fantastic evening, because it’s all GENUINE, and I appreciate that. OTOH, I could spend the same amount of time talking to one or more chicks that are completely full of it and trying to use me for socialization or networking or whatever else people try to use me for and have a horrible time, because the whole time, I’m sitting there like “Really?” :/

      I think the worst part of it is that if you don’t play the game, you’re perceived as INAUTHENTIC when in fact you’re the most authentic person that particular chick knows…. Instead of taking the EASY, EASY, EASY, EASY, EASY route of claiming that I want to be your boyfriend and I’m ready to settle down and I want to have kids with you and move to “some suburbian area” with you and never see another girl with my eyes for as long as we both shall live, which will get a chick to lay down Quick, Fast, In A Hurry, Flava’s Vision Ain’t Blurry… I’mma tell you straight that I’m feelin’ you, but I’m not about to trade you ANYTHING for you to give me what you should naturally be giving me. That could be anything, everything or nothing, but regardless of what it is or isn’t, I’m not going to barter with you.

      I’m not going to promise you I’m not going to kiss some other chick so you’ll kiss me, which is what you naturally wanted to do in the first place, but you were holding out until I bartered. Nah. If you don’t want to kiss me, don’t worry about what I’m doing with other chicks. If you do, and I’m down with it, enjoy your good fortune and roll with it.

      Leave all that IF, THEN, ELSE for computer programming. YA HEARD? πŸ˜€

      Thanks for the comment! πŸ˜€

      1. I really like your blog, it’s very interesting to read. I just want to comment on why women need to know where things are going, and can’t just enjoy the moment. You’re thinking from a guy’s perspective: why can’t she just enjoy the time we have now, why do we have to think about the future?

        She is thinking: I’m getting older & uglier (possibly fatter), I can’t waste time with this dude if he has no intentions of committing to me. If I want to have kids, I need to marry someone who will be there for the long haul.

        Simple, really. Women have a time pressure men have the luxury of not having to deal with.

        1. Thanks, Verie. πŸ™‚

          I think you bring up an important reason why the playing field won’t ever be even between guys & gals.

          Since guys select visually, it’s really in a woman’s best interest to settle down ASAP because in most cases, she’s becoming LESS attractive instead of MORE attractive.

          Yes, there are women who age well and become the fabled MILFs, but for the most part, it’s all downhill for females after a certain age.

          Meanwhile, guys are GAINING in the qualities that women like, intelligence, worldliness, earning potential, stability, desire to settle down, etc.

          Also, as guys get older, their taste in women doesn’t necessarily get older with them, leading to a lot of older women that can’t get raps, can’t get dates and have to settle for the perpetual “Girls Night Out” life.

          At least y’all have chicks like Beyonce to make up songs that make that life seem cool and fun. πŸ˜€

          1. In fact, the playing field is more even than most guys realize. Actually I think it is an advantage for us women that our bodies faithfully remind us that life is not endless, and that there is a proper time for making the big decisions in life and a time when it will be too late for the big decisions.

            I know one guy who had it all when he was younger: good looks, good job, no problems with pulling chicks. Somehow, that made him believe that when he broke up with one GF, a chick better than the last one would always come his way.

            Then one long-term GF asked him to get married. She was all a guy could ask for, so he said yes, but he wanted one more year to “fool around”. She told him where he could stick it and left.

            He is in his early fifties now. Saw him the other day at a friend’s wedding. The woman on his arm was in good shape, but her skin was leathery from too many hours in the tanning booth. Her face…. well, I guess “worn out” would be the best description.

            We all made fun of the situation behind his back. The guy is a has been dating has beens. It was a sorry sight. BELEEDAT. πŸ™‚

            1. lolol The playing field IS not and WILL not evAr be even. πŸ™‚

              The prostitution industry is an indicator of this. There are no brothels where females can go to get laid by dudes that are just waiting around to service them. Meanwhile, females that are willing to give it up for money (or, back in olden times, bartering for food or livestock) HAVE always been in style and WILL always be in style.

              Men are coming after women, PERIOD. There’s no amount of political-correct-rahrah that’s going to make any difference with this dynamic.

              Having said that, you’re absolutely right. Guys need to know when to hang it up and retire before they end up with some has-been chick they didn’t bargain for. I’m hoping to address this in my “Hunters” series.

              I ‘booked’ this chick the other day, and I was sitting around talking to a homeboy of mine about the situation and he was like “Yo.. Did you call her?”.. It took me a few seconds to respond and say “No”, because I really hadn’t considered calling her. I got her number because that’s what was to do at the time.

              I meet girls every time I attend an event, which means I probably meet 5-7 new girls every week without even trying. I met four girls yesterday and passed up meeting another two because I was already in a conversation. Unless a chick really strikes me as “MAN! I’ve got to hang out with this chick some more, ASAP!” it makes no difference, because I’m going to meet more girls tomorrow. \o/

              One of the downsides that you astutely point out about Mass Appeal is that you think it’s going to last forever. You think you’re going to be the fly guy forever. You think you’re going to have access to 19-year-old chicks forever.

              You can easily outlast your flyness and go from the HS Quarterback to the Shoe Salesman like Al Bundy did on Married With Children.

            2. Fishingrod,
              Re: Then one long-term GF asked him to get married. She was all a guy could ask for, so he said yes, but he wanted one more year to β€œfool around”.” – So the GF wasn’t all that he could ask for and what he really said was, no, but I’d like to keep you around! LOL
              Are you suggesting he could’ve successfully talked himself into needing something he didn’t need or want? And it would’ve gone well? *cough* Tiger Woods.

              I dunno, the guy was able to to play the field and did. Only he knows what he likes. If he still has money and he’s still attractive maybe he just needs to change where he finds women? Else he’s stuck with leatherface and that just is what it is. Hopefully she makes up for it in other departments.

    2. Soulpowr, areed! Once you’re both thinking in terms of “we” you’re as close as you’re ever gonna get anyway. The rest is noise to satisfy people’s fantasies.

      1. That’s just the thing… Relationships move by themselves, regardless of what you call them. It doesn’t make me any less “about” a chick if I only see her once every two months, once a week or every day. It doesn’t make me any less “about” a chick if I’m simultaneously “about” other chicks, because my relationships to them are all individual.

        Meanwhile there are women who throw away perfectly good relationships every day because some guy didn’t say he intended to marry them or even call them his girlfriend. If not throw the relationship away, downgrade it so that they act differently towards the dude because of a couple of words.

        That’s how dudes learn that lying to chicks is the way to go because you avoid hassles. While it’s on, it’s on and when it’s over it’s over and nothing that you say about it or call it is going to make any difference whatsoever.

  17. Question for Bill and rest of you:
    So two weeks ago, this bloke sees my picture on my sisters profile picture (twitter), is interested in gettin to know me, contacts my sister who he knows and finds out im am indded her sister , not her stunning gorgeous and pretty friend ( those where the words in his email to her)

    my sistr knws him and thinks hes a nice lad,hes friends wiv my sisters fiancee. she thinks hes an awryt man but obv hasnt dated him..so wat does she know?

    As he has just finished his PHD , he feels hes ready to settle, he s looking to meet the right woman as hadnt yet.

    He calls me , we talk and get on , 4 days later we meet, he comes round to my city and we were meant to go for tea but instead he took me shoppin, im a bit reluctant but finally get a bag and an earing , is all. i felt totally spolt , i got us some breakfast frm the coffee shop so i felt good abt that.

    we get on really well, looks wise, hes not my type, hes quite big but everythng else so far, he ticks all my boxes. nice sense of humor, similar interests, gentleman, funny , great chemistry, the list is endless.

    he askes to see me next day and is willing to come see me again or i go see him, hes not fussed. i deiced to come see him, we have a fantastic time, spend around 10 hours together wehere we both forgot to eat..it was crazy,we talked abt our past relationship , he confessed he didnt believe in meetin that person meant for him until now. he said he felt a connection to me from that picture and wanted to get in cntact with me.

    there was a natura chemistry so it wasnt odd that we made out some but not major, kiss hug the likes,he wudve wanted sex mayb at some point but obv knew that want guna happen. he shows an understanding and theres no pressure.

    i had a good time and gfinally had to go home, he kisses me gdbye at the station and calls me after .

    he buys me a train ticket bk and gives me some money to get a taxi to get home as he gt me late and made me miss my coach back hme.
    next day he refers to me as his girlfriend and invites me to his graduatin ceremony …we discuss the term but i dont agree or diagree…so now im confused, is it too soon to commit? yeh so shud i say to him, introudce me as someone u are seeing not as ur girlfirnd cos altho i like him so far, ive only knwn him for 9days.

    hes 35 and im 25 …he has been upfront abt his intentions, hopin we can build something frm this i.e marriage and he reckons im wat hes been lookin for. today he said to me ” i cant wait to see u..i want to see u again and again ” . so being as ive been a bit of a comiitment phobe myself, i like him but very unsure how to go abt this .
    your advise will be greatly appreciated guys. thanks x

    1. Hey Jane. πŸ™‚ Thanks for the comment / question.

      There are actually two separate issues here. The first one is his behavior and the second one is your reaction to his behavior.

      HIs behavior seems typical. He’s complimenting you, buying you stuff, he’s said you look good, he DEFINITELY wants to have sex with you or else he wouldn’t be pursuing a relationship with you (or talking to you at all), so all the indicators are that he actually likes you. Whether he’s reliable to come through on all the flowery stuff he’s telling you he wants to do with you remains to be seen (as is the case with everyone).

      Your reaction to his behavior is actually a good one.. Confusion! πŸ˜€ That’s good because it means that you’re thinking. Good for you. πŸ˜€

      There are too many chicks that see the gravy train and just jump on board and then wonder what happened when they feel used after they get pumped and dumped.

      The answer to your question is that you’re his girlfriend whenever you FEEL LIKE you’re his girlfriend. That obviously isn’t right now, because you don’t know this guy from Adam and you haven’t been on but a couple of dates with him. He can’t possibly be your boyfriend unless both of you are on board with that concept.

      Don’t bother making up a term for it like “seeing each other” or “going out” or “dating” or whatever. It is what it is. If you feel like you want to make more out of your relationship with him than it currently is, you’ll feel that and then it’ll be time for you to act on how you feel.

      The concept of being someone’s Significant Other is taken too lightly by most people, leading to their getting into and out of relationships frivolously. Don’t bother going on that ride. If you’re not feeling the girlfriend thing yet, just tell him (privately, not in front of other people, haha) that you’re not comfortable with him calling you his girlfriend. Let him know you hope you feel that way someday, but you don’t yet and it makes you feel odd when he announces something to people that you’re not yet in full agreement with him about.

      Hang out with him, see how you feel about it and decide later whether you want to be exclusive with him or not. Deciding that you’re his girlfriend before you actually feel that way would be an error and if you decided down the line that you weren’t going to make it there, you’re going to have to explain your way out of the relationship, which is worse than never starting something you didn’t believe in in the first place.


      1. Excellent bit of reading was Bills response…
        Im just going to add a wee bit more. Please keep in mind that I dont know either of you blahblahblah and all that other good stuff. In general when a man exhibits this kind of impulsive behavior in such a short time AND commits fiancial resources to it (all based on a picture)… Theres a good chance that once he ta-daps that and gets that initial surge of lust out of his system, you wont be the only one questioning the concept of the word girlfriend. Yes I do understand that whole love at first sight thing, I have seen enough movies and seen enough girls force there random meeting of a guy into that discription BUT usually when that is the case it tends to be a 2 way street. The BOTH of you would be talking about love at first sight, not just him. I could be wrong and probably am, but really, historically the odds are against you UNLESS the revolving sound you hear everytime you think of him is “You’ve got mail” as you envision him holding you atop the Empire State Building.

        Jump in with both feet if you want, but a littlecaution wouldnt hurt.

        1. This is true. Personally, I don’t buy girls JACK-**** until they deserve it (see “Buy a girl a drink?”). It’s a typical tactic though, because guys are supposed to demonstrate that they can take care of a chick in the way she would like or is already accustomed to. There’s no other reason for her to hook up with him long-term, because she can “do bad all by herself”, capisce?

          From Jane’s description of the situation, dude sounds mad thirsty, which means that his actions and reactions might be completely different after he “has a sip of water”.

  18. Hi Bill,
    I have been missing for joining your new post and interesting topics to talk about recently. I tought i wanted to comment on your recent post but while i go through yiur website, i am stuck here when i see the title, and read all guys comments on gals are talks about.

    This kind of topics, of cos it would makes more interests to women who is in a relationship or just started to date their men include me. I dont have much experiences on some kind of difficulties relationship until i have to ask my boyfriend to commit or to be frankly speaking to him direct to the point, “when we want to get married” or “when is the official ceremony would be done?”. But what i know, as a girl, of cos either he is trying to cheat you or just want to make use of your financial and your success in career, it is a complimentary question categories, “MUST BE” unless if she is treating him as an ordinary friend or just hanging out for fun.

    So, my question is if you men doesn’t want to commit with gals that you met, than from the beggining, you should tell her the truth that you’re not blaaaabla..? If she is ‘NEVER CARE’ of it, nothing wrong to continue the relationship because she won’t blame you one day if she is still want to be with you for 1 or 2 years or more.

    But most men especially those are in high ranks post, while some carry prestigeous title are likely to be egoistic, hypocrete, selfish and what they want is to keep the women and putting up high hopes to her (some guys declared as she is his girlfriend)..so in future, blaming women is easily for them when their women is pregnant. I have seen this has happened to my friends of friends.

    I could not understand:
    1. You love her, and keep her, giving her a hope but at the end you leave her and the reason is you’re not ready to commit.

    2. I have a closed male friend. He is gorgeous, have good jobs, stable financial, house, car and live in a luxury life. What i am concerns about him is i am pity because most of the gals that he date and sleep with is young, pretty, beautiful, and more than half of the gals she date are come from wealthy family. Being a close-friend since we’re in secondary school, i’m concerns on him not because he is my friend but he is destroyed women life and as a woman, of cos i can fell how are they were. When i asked him, why don’t you tell them that you’re not going to commit at this extend. He answer, “I like her, she is cute but i also like other gals.

    3. I met one guy after i complete my college study, while waiting for my offer letter to university, i works as a dispensary in a coffeehouse. Totally, i dont like him at first but at the end, i except him. he is not an attractive guy in my eye but other women said yes! He is just tall 5 feet 1/2 inch below 1 1/2 inches than me. I never ask him about where is this relationship going? until about 6 months, than one day we have our conversation in all topics until relationship. He told his friends, if he is going to settle down, he want to marry me. He mention that infront of me. I dont believe and i ask him in a different way (using poems), he said ok. Find. It is not come to 24 hours after he said he is committed in our relationship, i show him with other gal. Look like she is more than a close-friend. The next day, i dumped him without saying anything to him, and i date with other guy a month later. He try to call me, explained to me about everything..for me..it is useless to keep a man like glasses, “nice to see. if broken considered sold out” displayed in any shops selling souvenier or glasses.

    4. What is makes men reluctant to tell the truth to their women instead of keep going playing his words and still want to mate her?

    5. Hypocrete and selfish guys in any relationship and yet when their women asked, the only answer they can give is i am not ready yet in financial support? While you can see from his cloths, care, house and expenses he was putting on? But he is still go with her? Why?

    6. It is not about women scare or not to ask their boyfriend on the relationship. It is men should know why is the relationship began and begin from the beginning to present. Not all men are telling their girlfriend the truth? If you ask, they will answer in multi colorful words but if you seek, they will calls u sluts, cheap, or even prostitute ?

    Thanks to all guys who are contributing your great comments!

  19. wow, this is a very interesting and eye opening article, i really appreciate you taking the time and letting us (women) know what man really want and think.. now i know what to do.. LOL thanks again bill πŸ™‚

    1. You’re welcome, Karina. πŸ™‚

      Glad you got something out of it.

      It’s extremely tough to play the game properly when you don’t know the actual rules, and then you THINK you know the rules, because it’s in people’s best interests to give you the wrong rules so you never learn what’s really going on in your dating life… o_O

  20. Hello. I really enjoyed this discussion and wanted to include myself and situation in the conversation. I have been hooking up with this guy for about three years. We never discussed where the relationship is going or made any commitments to each other. However, last week we hung out (group setting)and his friend called me the “girlfriend” and neither one of us denied it. I was taken off guard myself and just wasn’t sure how to respond. Later that evening the same nosey friend started flirting with me and asked if he (my hook-up) was my “old man”. I again didn’t say anything but my guy quickly answered, “Yes, I am”. I’ll admit to being pretty excited with this new development. However, I haven’t heard from him since then. I did see him at another friend’s house once and he didn’t really talk to me so now I’m confused. What do you think about this scenario?

    1. It’s kind of interesting, the effect that handing out titles has on women.. Nothing actually changes, but everything changes.

      What I think of the scenario is that it was just guys running their mouths. The nosey friend seems interested in you, and he was trying to determine whether the guy you’ve been hooking up with was claiming you as his personal “property”.

      This doesn’t necessarily have so much to do with the progression of your relationship to your FWB as much as it probably has to do with the fact that guys like to pride themselves on being the only one to hook up with a gal, as if they got her ‘fresh out the box’.

      If his boy hooks up with you too, his dating accomplishments have been diminished. He didn’t do anything unique.

      As far as him not talking to you, he may feel strange that he got put on the spot like that. If he would have said “Nah, that’s not my girl”, then he would have had to grin and bear it while his boy tried to hook up with you.

      He said what he had to say to protect the uniqueness of his rap, but he succeeded in creating an awkward situation for himself with you.

  21. Thanks for your response Bill. I’m usually not very gullible when it comes to dating or hooking up. I probably just like this guy a little too much. But I’m keeping my options open to any other interesting man that crosses my path. I’ve always thought men had it easier in the dating game. Your blog pretty much confirms it! =D

    1. You’re welcome, Avis. πŸ™‚

      The dating game is strange, in that you have to monitor other people, but you also have to monitor yourself… That becomes very hard to do when you’re actually feelin’ someone, instead of being like “meh” about them.

      The problem is that if you focus too much on thinking about what you’re feeling, you’re interrupting yourself from feeling it. :/

      Unfortunately, just rollin’ with feelings is what gets women pregnant or worse, so it’s really in y’all’s best interests to stay on-point.

  22. Very happy to read the article from man’s point of view. I believe girls should never bring the topic up first. It’s a game of keeping balance. When we feel the urge to ask that question it only because we emotionally invest more than the guy does. At that time, we should be back off a bit. Asking that quesion only makes things worse. We girls really need some self-control and self dicipline in a relationship. If the guy wants to be with you, you would know. Just remember never ever give more than what he gives you.

    1. A lot of the time, Jin, what happens is that when the female kicks off these “Where is this going?” and “What are we doing?” conversations, guys normally start thinking she’s overinvested and about to become a nuisance.

      It’s like being on a street corner and incessantly asking when we’re going to cross the street. We’re going to cross the street when the sign says “Walk” or when the cars stop coming.

      On top of that, the answer to the question is worthless.

      What if dude says “We’re going to get married! :D” and meanwhile, he told that to five other women?

      You’re right that it’s about balance. It’s not about game-playing or being inauthentic, but you don’t necessarily want to show your cards too soon.

      Same thing happens when guys say “I love you” after they hit it one time.. Chicks start thinking “What’s the matter with this dude? o_O”

  23. Hi Bill…

    It’s quiet long time didn’t keep-in-touch with you. I guest i miss all your post here…and suddenly i make my available time tonight (Malaysian time is 10.41pm). But i can’t spend much time here as i need to read a lot of books in complementing my research study at the moment.

    I like you post..’where is this relationship going’. That is happening to me now. I know this guy (Iranian), my senior fellow university since the the last March. Everything goes smooth. We do not have much time todate because we both are busy in our study, furthermore, he is in his final year. At first, we plan to meet and eat together, suddenly, i got my project and he do so. We only meet in Library while doing study group. Semester break..last May, and June, he have to present his paper in Singapore, and he told me he will meet me after back from singapore. He will tell me when is his free time to meet me. He do also inform that he really want to meet me but currently he can’t because his project study is in final year.

    We all busy. So do i. but at least i will look my time just to meet someone special like him. I just don’t understand why he can’t spend time with me just a little while..

    After he back from Singapore by end June, he didn’t call me until today and what make me angry is he show me in Library (i didn’t notice him from my back) and when he show that i look at him, he turn his face to me and just smile (in hurry to meet his classmate study group), Later, i text him a few days later but he didn’t answer. Even i call also he didn’t return…i try to found out anything wrong…but then…zero until today…

    My question is just tell me if you wanted to end up the relationship? Meet me and tell me..but don’t just keep-quiet..while i am here wondering, what is happening?

    The last i text him is over 2 weeks, i just ignore and try to forget him because i need to concentrate with my research study before semester open again middle of Sept 2011..

    What should i do now Bill? I don’t want to call or text him again? I don’t want to look for him in his place? I also do not want to asked his friend..

    For me, if the guy is really love you, he will look for you no matter how difficulties or terrible ways he might cost too just to meet the gals he love? But, if he don’t or just keep quiet, the answer is there….Am i right, Bill!



    1. Unfortunately, Marian, some situations are volatile and dynamic. You can’t count on the person you go on a date with one week to be the same person next week. They may have met someone during that week. They may have broken up with someone during that week. Their job or financial situation might have changed… There’s no telling.

      Sometimes, people just change and you’ll never find out why because they don’t care enough to bother to let you know what happened.

  24. Hi there,

    Im colombian woman, anthropologist, i lived in the states for two years, married with a french guy, we have a little girl two years old, planning to have a second child and absolutely happy together.

    I want to tell you, you are wrong, sooo wrong maybe it can be the american way to do things, or the chic, modern and fashion way to do things, but overseas in normal societies, the people call the things by their names, girls we are not scared to ask, men are brave and honest and not all is about sex. We dont hang out, we are in love or we are not.

    You american guys think you have some kind of power cause you make the desition, maybe over there n the States, where sadly the women have lost dignity and value, come to colombia or to france or to italy or to normal places to see what it means romanticism, charm and love.

    Girls, give yourself some selfrespect, take the control of your own time and stop to waste time!

    1. Thanks for your comment, Laura. πŸ™‚ I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself and your family.

      I’ve never heard of a society where it’s not “all about sex”, but I’ll take your word for it. πŸ˜‰

      I don’t know how things work in Colombia or France, but the main point of my article is that most of the time, when a relationship is good, the guy is satisfied with it and doesn’t feel some kind of need to give it a different title in order to enjoy it.

      Meanwhile, the woman in the situation is wondering about all this future-stuff that may or may not occur.

      There’s no benefit to the guy in calling your relationship something new. He’s going to get the same thing from you whether you’re his girlfriend or his fiancee. He’s going to get the same thing from you whether you’re his fiancee or his wife. It just doesn’t matter at all.

      So, my point was that lots of women ruin perfectly good relationships because they’re not concentrating on how good it is right now, and they’re trying to secure some kind of concessions for the future.

  25. Thanks Laura for your comment. I appreciate in what had you say. And you too Bill.

    Yes, it’s might sound easier but hardly to implement it. My point here is why should men acting like a ‘dumb’ or ‘dummy’? In what reason men do that? Are they purposely wanted to hurt someone in such that way?

    At first, all this stuff makes me think that he don’t love me but just want to make fun of my feeling. But then, i notice he has always secretly seeing me without my knowledge (from my back and other places too. And b’cos of that, its makes me still wondering….WHY????

  26. Hi Bill…
    It’s been a LONG time since I’ve written to you. I’ve been so greatful for all of your awesome input, advice, and suggestions.

    I’ve now got a different boyfriend (broke up with the other one, once my “time table” was reached for him not showing any form of committment. I did well with that break up, and broke up with him in December of ’09 (just as I said I would).

    Since then, I’ve dated a few cuties. And now, for the past 9 months, I’ve been in a relationship with someone whom I’ve known as a friend for a few years.

    Again, however, I’m I find myself in ALMOST the SAME EXACT situation, with the same dilemma. It’s my own damn fault. He says, “I love you” like eight times a day, he’s a cutie with a great personality, he occasionally has talked of wanting me to move in with him, blah blah blah… but ultimately unwilling to “commit” to ANY future plans.

    Ugh! So, I came back here to your website to let you know that I’m revisiting my old logs/writings (from ’09) and YOUR VERY insightful responses, to (yet again)correct/modify my current behavior and thinking that’s gotten me in this situation AGAIN.

    The gravitational pull for me to be “dependent” and “starry-eyed” and “Jocking” is all too obvious to me now. I’m really disgusted with myself that I am truly NOT showing “Independence”, and certainly, now I’m (yet again, by default) pushing my current guy away with my “clinginess”. DOUBLE UGHHHH!

    So… To rectify the situation, I’m re-thinking my “clingy/dependent” behavior, and talking to more dudes (so as to maintain good friendships and possible future boyfriends IF this one doesn’t become committed by “December ’11).

    Incidentally – – – Why does DECEMBER always seem to my “break-up timeline”??? LOL. (laughing at myself)! Ha!

    I know I’m definitely pushing men away, because I see the patterns. I want what I want (a committed relationship)… they start out by saing “I really like you!”, and then we hang out alot, and then the guy starts saying “I love you”, and then I oooo and ahhhh over him… etc… etc… same damn thing, over and over again, (hitting my head against the wall as I write this)! LOL.

    You’ve taught me alot, Bill. I’ve got to keep myself ON TRACK, and definitely BE the best PERSON I can be for MYSELF (and TRULY HONESTLY WHOLE-HEARTEDLY NOT sweat him). I’ve gotta be a WHOLE person (so hard for me – – with out a man) – – – I’m gagging while I write this, because it’s embarrassing to admit my “dependency” on guys. It’s just not healthy.

    So… back to DOING the right thing again. And likely to end in “Break-Up” by Dec ’09, because I SERSIOUSLY DOUBT this guy will want “commitment”.
    Ugh, but true. And I must admit it, and move forward in life.

    I’m frustrated with myself, but glad I’m RE-visiting your site to set me straight yet again. Your words have been on my mind since ’09. I know I’ve got to be strong and NOT be so ridiculously “IN LOVE with LOVE and FANTASY” crap.

    So… just stopped by to say…Thanks Bill.


    1. HAAAAA πŸ˜€ I laughed my ass off at “dependent, starry-eyed and Jocking”! haha oh man..

      But you know what?.. You’re *WAY* ahead of the game, Alexis, because you can see what’s going on (whether you can avoid it or not).

      Ultimately, it’s up to each one of us as individuals to figure out what works for us and what doesn’t and then implement that in our lives.

      SEEING and UNDERSTANDING are the first steps in making positive and important changes.

      Thanks for the update, Alexis, and You’re Welcome! πŸ˜€

  27. Hi I was wondering i dont have a boyfirend yet but we like eachother and we have kissed and we text for hours, but when we get to school he dosnt show that much effection besides a hug and wanting to hang out after school, do i ask him where this is going or do i just give it time and see if he will end upasking me.


    1. Good question, Hannah. πŸ™‚

      I think the answer to your question is “neither”.

      Do not ask him “Where is this going?” and do not wait for him to tell you something.

      Decide what *YOU* WANT out of this situation, figure out how to word it eloquently, then tell him what you want, what you like, how you feel, SOMETHING that is present-based, not future-based.

      If you wait for him to say something, and he’s perfectly happy with how things are now, he’s never going to say anything to you.

      If you ask him what’s going to happen in the future, he’s going to think “I don’t have a Crystal Ball, so how do *I* know what’s going to happen in the future?”

      If you say what you like and don’t like about your current situation to him, he will decide to make your relationship better in the ways you describe to him, worse in the ways you describe, or the relationship won’t change at all.

      The good response is that when you tell him what you want, he wants to be that person for you, and y’all move forward.

      Either way, it’s better for you to feel fully self-expressed, so you know that he’s reacting to REALITY as opposed to y’all being on totally different pages in this situation.

      Good Luck! πŸ˜€

  28. Hey Bill, I stumbled on this post and would like advice from a guy’s perspective. I was dating a guy for about a year. I brought up the subject of moving in together and he was really caught off guard. I think bc he knows ppl that it ended badly with. We ended up breaking up for about a week but then its like I convinced him that he was wrong. For the past 6 months, in his terms we are “hanging out and we’ll see what happens” I feel that if I ask where is this relationship going? I will drive him away. I just dont know the right way to ask him. Also, in regards to kids, he’s made comments in the past like he doesn’t want kids “right now” so I’ve felt like it could be something that happens in the future. When we were fighting during the breakup, he said he doesnt even know if he wants kids. So since that time, we’ve been “hanging out” and acting like a couple. I feel if I say to him, so tell me do u plan on moving in with me and what about the kids?, then ill really drive him away. I want answers from him, but I dont want to push him away. I enjoy having him in my life but dont want to just hang out for another 5 years. Thnx

    1. Hey Heather. πŸ™‚ Thanks for sharing that.

      You have an unique situation because you’ve already stepped over the line.

      You’ve already “asked where the relationship is going” by attempting to live with him.

      He basically rejected your idea without giving you a raincheck. That’s never a good thing.

      It isn’t even a good thing when someone rejects an offer to go on a date and doesn’t offer a raincheck (meaning some alternate way/time they could get together).

      Also, for your information “I don’t want kids right now” is what all guys say when they aren’t thinking AT ALL about having kids with a chick.

      Not that they’re pro or con the idea, they just never thought about it.

      Basically, if he’s using condoms with you, he isn’t interested in having a kid with you.

      To me, this sounds like the typical situation where he’s going to ride it out as long as he can before telling you that a) he doesn’t want to live with you (or maybe not anybody), and b) he doesn’t want to have kids with you.

      So, in your case, I would actually advocate stepping to him to have a serious sit-down conversation about future plans.

      What I’m talking about in this article is chicks that are dating guys and then try to overdo it by asking for more than he’s already giving them.

      You already offered a “relationship upgrade” and he declined.

      At this point, I think you should ask “If not now, when?” sooner rather than later.

      Good Luck! πŸ˜€

    2. Sounds like he’s already in the relationship he needs/wants with you so for him there is no next step. Right now your needs aren’t in alignment. Not to say he’s not a great guy or whatever but, as the expression goes, you can’t get blood from a stone.

        1. Thanks for your input. I know guys don’t like talking about feelings and they just enjoy “going with the flow.” it’s hard for me to have a serious talk with him since I struggle for the right words. In your opinion, what would be an effective way to start off a convo about his future plans with me. I feel if I say, can we talk, it will just get awkward. Part of me feels to just enjoy our time together and see what happens, but it’s not crystal clear to me how he truly feels. I also felt about putting all my thoughts in a letter but not sure how a guy would react. We have been getting along great and I dont want to rock the boat…. Thanks for your time – your input is appreciated

          1. Skip all that stuff and directly ask him if he’s cool with everything as it is right now. Call him on the phone or text him if you like. Writing something or doing a sit down production is going to make it THE BIG MOMENT but otherwise change nothing. It’s likely he’ll say he’s fine with everything as is or he’ll hem and haw because he doesn’t want to say anything to make you bounce but he’s still fine with everything as is. Really, if he wanted to lock you down he’s be all over it. File this under, if you have to ask…

            Oh, and for the record, it’s not that guys don’t want to talk about there feelings, it’s that we don’t really spend a lot of time thinking about them. That can come with a lot more maturity, development, personal philosophy change, training, and stuff like that. Versus a natural inclination it’s an acquired taste and the benefits aren’t always clear.

          2. Again, Steve has covered this issue.

            It isn’t that guys don’t like to talk about their feelings. It’s that it’s just messing around. It’s having fun. Access to sex. Something to do. Someone to spend time with.

            It’s the chicks that get into all this flowery stuff about la la la and other nonsense, and guys tolerate it because we know that’s how y’all get.

            There’s no talking because there’s nothing to talk about.

            Also, as Steve said, *IF* he was concerned about you bouncing from the relationship, he would recognize your bringing this up as his chance to lock you down or let you start pursuing other options. He hasn’t given you any incentive to believe he has any “future plans” with you that are different from yesterday’s plan and last week’s plan and last month’s plan…..

            The point where I disagree with Steve is that I feel you should have this out with him in person.

            On the phone and in text, you can’t see and feel people’s reactions (or lack thereof) to what you do and say.

            For instance, if you end up saying “since you don’t want to commit, I’m going to start dating other people”, you want to know if he even winces at that prospect. He might look at you like “:/ so what? I can do that too”, or he might have a look of sudden recognition that he might be fumbling a relationship that’s important to him.

            Unfortunately, you’ve put yourself in an uncomfortable position, already. YOU’RE the one that wants something to be different. He’ll be glad to have tomorrow with you just like today and just like yesterday and who cares?

            It’s too late for you to want the easy or comfortable way out of this.

            If you decide to call or text him, that will be easier for you, but it will also be easier for him to fake you out if he decides to do that.

            Your problem, again, is not unique. A LOT OF WOMEN have this problem. Things are going very well as-is, but y’all want some kind of crystal ball prediction about what the guy’s going to do in the future.

            Some guys aren’t thinking about the future.

            I don’t know right now what I’m going to eat later. It might be a burger. It might be pizza. I don’t know. I don’t care. I’ll care when I care and then I’ll act on what I care about.

            You’re the one that wants a future prediction, not him. He doesn’t care. You have to walk through uncomfortable territory to get what you want.

            1. Thanks again for the advice. I know it’s time consuming for you πŸ˜‰ I feel that if I make a comment towards him that that is sort of like an ultamatium, “if you dont commit, I’ll see other guys”, that might really backfire, I just want an easy way of asking him how he truly feels about us and our future without it getting super serious or awkward. Do you have a suggestion for that? Thanks again

            2. That would *DEFINITELY* backfire, Heather! πŸ™‚ haha You don’t have the leverage for that.

              I understand that you want an easy way of asking. I’m saying that even in asking, you aren’t guaranteed to receive the truth, because there’s no reason for him to tell you how he really feels or what he really thinks.

              If his answer is “I’m just hooking up with you, and when it’s over it’s over”, you won’t appreciate that, even if it’s the truth. Therefore, he isn’t going to say that. He’s going to say he isn’t ready or give him some time or he has to think or he wants some space blah blah the typical stuff to stall chicks and buy more time.

              If you just plain want to get into the conversation, bring up your future goals and see what he has to say about them. You want to be married a year from now. You want to have a baby. Whatever it is.. Bring it up and see what he has to say about it.

              If he says he isn’t interested in what your future goals are (again, he probably won’t, so he can buy more time), then it’s a given that you’re going to attempt to fulfill your goals with someone else.

              1. BTW, the reason I said phone or text is that, IN MY EXPERIENCE, if he’s not already talking to you about future stuff then no amount of sit-down-lead-the-horse-to-water conversations is going to make him say, “A future with you?” [slaps head] “Why didn’t I think of that!?!?” And suddenly you’re both on the same page. If he hasn’t brought it up yet then he’s not feeling it and you can’t make him so what’s the value in a sit-down, a letter, ultimatum, or anything else you’d actually put real effort into. Guys aren’t that coy. Unless he’s some kinda beta male…

                It sucks but all that stuff is just wishing really hard to make it true. When someone REALLY clicks with you, and not in a needy way, there will be no ambiguity and it won’t feel like effort, compromise, or “putting up with” to get by. IN MY EXPERIENCE.

                1. On-Point, Steve.

                  When a guy is actually *CONCERNED* about losing a chick, he’s going to at least PRETEND to want a loooooong-term relationship with her.

                  If he doesn’t, the next man is going to arrive, feed her some BS lines, and she’s gonna jump ship, thinking she can finally get what she wants, when actually the next man just knew how to play the game better.

  29. Good advice! My best friend, who is a self proclaimed Romeo has given me similar stuff. He once seduced me and 190 other women so I give credit where it’s due. I’m annoying him to death w questions though;

    I’m new to dating, separated w a child at home. For the last 2 years I’ve tried to navigate things. Met some duds. I met someone 5 months ago, and I think he’s great. I wouldn’t say I’m in love, though I am infatuated. When ever we are together we laugh, the physical chemistry is wonderful, he is a gentlemen and takes me to nice places and always pays, drives, holds the door.

    However, i never set bounderies. ive always been very laid back and submissive in relationships, from being the youngest of seven to my ex husband who was 10 years my sebior and a military drill instructor. i let people dominate me and then take control by passive means, cheating, lieing, manipulating. i know my flaws and have worked hard since my break up to address them and fix them. at my best i am still a great catch.

    back to present day, he has his kids on opposite weekends then I and has a very busy executive job. We both agree meeting small kids should happen far into the future and neither of us is “ready for that,” but I do feel pigeon holed. No one can be as busy a he claims. I feel if you want to, you make time. However, he comes up w excuses, that are verifiably true. One weekend he had a business trip. One he had a funeral. One I was on a trip, etc etc. at times I feel like we are two people who live busy lives and that’s it. Yet I feel discontent not knowing “where it’s going”. My ex proclaimed he didn’t want me seeing anyone after week 3. Prior to this I had a long distance relationship where he said I love you 3 months in. However, I feel by not setting expectations I may never be moved from mid week dates. I may never be called girlfriend. On date night we have a great time. he’s talked about missing me when he see me. When I stopped returning his texts because they were lame (hey, how are you) for a week he practically stalked me to see I was ok. He brought souvenirs from his trip and quotes things Ive said in the past. He talks about mon serious things in the future that include me. I leave our mid week dates feeling so satisfied and on cloud nine but then wonder why he wont text me for 2 days…. He is always giving me just enough that I feel silly questioning everything, and yet I’m not satisfied.

    I tried keeping my options open and casually dating, but I did not enjoy this as I felt emotionally detached on these outings. I tell him what I want and he usually listens and then comes up w valid retorts making me question if I’m just a Debbie downer or if I have a valid point. I only ask once.

    I should mention he is going threw a messy divorce which has become hostile. Also, he’s seen two people before me who he told me about briefly without me asking. While they sounded sexually charged, They were unsuitable for serious relationships. As a parent, I can affirm this without question.

    I guess my questions are how do I regain control? How do I know if he sees me as a serious mate? How do I feel good AFTER we see each other? How do I ask if his is a casual hook up or something more without seeming over bearing? If its a casual hookup I’m ok with that, but I want to know so I can invest my emotions properly. Not having info is driving me crazy.

    1. Hey Jennpa. Thanks for the comment. πŸ™‚

      First of all, a dude wants to wax that ass or he doesn’t.

      It’s either important to him to hook up with you or it’s no big deal. If it isn’t a big deal, it will be tough for you to “regain control”, because he’s either physically not that interested in you in particular, or (more likely) he has other chicks he’s messing with when he isn’t around you.

      That’s pretty unfortunate that y’all have kids on opposite weekends, as that would have solved one of the problems. If you both had the weekend off and he STILL doesn’t want to spend time with you, you know what’s going on.

      According to what you said, he isn’t even divorced yet, so y’all are definitely a casual hookup. There’s no telling whether he’s EVER going to be interested in another “serious” relationship after he finishes with his current wife.

      As far as the conversation, in your situation, you may as well just start talking at some point when y’all are face-to-face spending time together.

      Casual dating isn’t floating your boat, you’re currently only into this one dude. You may as well petition for what you want.. However, I don’t see how much more you can possibly get. He seems to be very busy with his job, and every other weekend when he doesn’t have that as an excuse, you’re off the grid with your child.

      What do you hope to gain?.. A couple more weekdays to spend time with him?

      Basically, you should figure out what an ideal relationship would look like between you and him, and then ask him if he’s interested in your vision.

      Good Luck πŸ™‚

      1. Btw, took everyone’s advise. I don’t know if I’m farther then where I was before but I feel great πŸ™‚ essentially I had to learn who to say “this is what I want” in a non accusatory manner and while reassuring that I didn’t need to be getting that from him; that essentially I was more interested in being true to y goal then I was investing in someone who didn’t have those same goals.

        I didn’t get a resounding “I love you!” Buuuut, I did get info I wanted in order to see where this heads, at least for a little bit.

        I also realized I was taking too much instruction to heart. Here was a man unlike any I’d dated. A little more vulnerable, a little less schooled in the art of playing, and when I let him have all the power it only confused him.

        I don’t know if this will work out, but its been a good lesson in teaching me about establishing boundaries and being in control of my sit. This is an ongoing struggle, because I’m a very nice, always forgiving and extremely empathic woman. I guess I need to learn to be a bit bitchy in this tete a tete. How does one become a bit bitchy and still remain true to themselves and attractive?

        1. Knowing what you want and filtering out the noise is not the same thing as being needlessly rude and insensitive. No one on this planet can take better care of you than you and that’s a fair way to roll.

  30. Okay. so I am starting to talk with this new guy I met through a friend? Unlike, the last one me and this Old guy I talked with for like a month and we had sex twice. The first time I stop him, I felt uncomfortable and not myself ( wasn’t feeling it) plus it was first time over his house and I knew that’s what he wanted, which only tempt me to want it more and the second I went after him (invited him over my house) So we now no longer talk anymore because he’s “Super busy” so he say after the incident. Later, He reached out to me playing it all cool like we were on good terms basically asking where have I been?( saw me on instagram) since I wasn’t reaching out to him so I basically told him I don’t like him. I was waiting to see if he would call or text me after we had sex and he didn’t until weeks later, which was a week after Valentine’s day of course.lol.I just do not want to make the same mistake with this new guy.So how should I approached this situation differently. I thought maybe I gave it up to soon, but only realizing if we both wanted each then it doesn’t really matter. It is how each other feel and one another and ohh! he tried to sell me a dream like i’m coming to your graduation, I want to meet your parents over the summer ( no guy has met my parents so he thought he was special) I told him after a year maybe if we’re still talking. basically, he did everything I expected him to do which was stop talking to me after sex, which I figured that already but I wanted it give him the benefit of a doubt.it’s funny how guys be so judgemental to call a girl a hoe because she gave it up when he wanted it. I just don’t understand guys.They want a good girl but look how they treat the good girls.

  31. Hey I totally totally love your site. I read it all the time especially when I feel like my liking for someone clouds my douche bag radar.
    I do have a situation of my own though.
    Slightly over four years ago before joining college I decided to intern at an Engineering firm in California coz that would be my college major, and there the usual boy meets girl started playing out. He was great, very helpful, even after I joined college he’d come over on weekends help with my school work and stuff coz he’d done the same major as I do now. At some point I asked him what he wanted from me, he listed stuff, and among them was a relationship. So we kept on.
    Everything was great, barely argued, I was his plus one to parties, weekend getaways and stuff.
    I never felt the need to bring up the whole define the relationship talk coz it was progressing quite well by itself. We started having sex after 8months, and the relationship went on till a year and a half into it, during a normal conversation he told me he’d never been in a relationship before, which made me question the odds that I rank with him considering all the girls before me didn’t. Plot thickens when turns out the guy wouldn’t introduce me as his girlfriend to anyone.
    Now I’d never considered leaving him, but the very next day I asked him to meet up and I broke things off.
    I was infuriated in a way, I mean he asked me for a relationship before, I warmed up to him, started acting like I was in one, then a year and a half later he claims we’re not in a relationship.
    So I broke things off and told him I have a job, and hectic school work so struggling to get him on board with my schedule when he’s not serious with me wouldn’t be fair to myself.
    Two days later showed up at my campus, in a lecture hall, said am “The One” and he won’t give up, that he really wants to fix things between us.
    Am 21, he’s 7years older than me.
    Am torn..like what should I do?

    1. Thank you, Hillary! πŸ˜€ Glad to hear the blog has been doing you some good. πŸ˜€

      I realize this is waaaaaaayyy after the fact at this point, but I’m going to give my opinion for future readers to benefit from.

      It’s suspicious off the bat that at 28, he would date you for 8 months without hitting it. πŸ˜€ That just doesn’t make any sense to me.

      Then he hooks up with you for the next 10 months, after which you find out that he isn’t telling anybody you’re his girlfriend.

      Had my information been timely, I would have said it depends on what you really want for yourself right now, with the choices being a) a relationship that seems to be working for you, or b) a guy that’s willing to give you a title.

      I agree with you that under the conditions you stated, he should have been GLAD and PROUD to label you his girlfriend to anyone that asked, as he didn’t seem to want to do anything else but spend time with *you*.

      Having said that, it’s too late to declare “The One” when he had lots of chances to declare that on his own before you bounced from the relationship.

      The question being IF and WHEN he would have come to that conclusion on his own. o_O

  32. Well, Ladies, all I can tell is that when Man wants you – you know it. When he doea not want you – you know it too. When he ‘kind of ‘ wants you – you get mixed signals.

    I was dating someone for 7 years and he was ‘not ready to get married’. After I dumped him he married another woman within 6 months.
    I was dating my current husband for 4 months and somehow I knew, from the start, that he was serious about me and us and we got married in a less than a year.

    Soooo… if you are not getting what you want from Him there is nothing you can do. Well, yes you can actually, you can push and insist to get him to commit. But then do not complain about being unhappy, neglected, his cheating and his other questionalble behaviour. The commitment did not come naturally there fore such consequenses.

    When it comes naturally you will know too.

    So, Ladies do not try to squeeze something out from a dead horse, all that will come out is a manure .

    1. Hear, Hear, Lulu!!! πŸ˜€ hahahaha

      “So, Ladies do not try to squeeze something out from a dead horse, all that will come out is a manure.”

      HAHAHAHAHA CLASSIC!! πŸ˜€ Thank you for your comment!

  33. Hi,

    I’ve been stuck in a situation for almost a year now.

    I met a guy through a mutual friend over a year ago, and he instantly started contacting me afterwards, everyday, showing interest. We met up almost once a week, unless one of us was busy. A couple months later, our relationship escalated to one with benefits. It was fun to begin with, i didn’t want anything from him because i wasn’t all that interested in him (maybe i just liked the attention) so i never kiss him, but then he kinda scared me a bit when he was including me in things, like wanting to buy me a pair of matching shoes, and actually got a pair of matching slippers at his house, inviting me to his group gatherings, texting me before he went to bed. I started to fade away because in a group conversation we had before i overheard him saying he would never date someone older than him, and i’m older than him, so even if i started to care, it would get nowhere. I’m not sure if he noticed i was fading, because he still texted me everyday. Then one night, it hit me, shit, i care. so i got up and left in the middle of the night. he woke up and freaked out. the next time he hugged me really tight and asked me not to leave again. hence more attachment. I got him a big gift for his birthday, and small gifts here and there when i thought of him. He has a really bad memory, so one day he had mentioned he’d watch a movie with me but ended up watching it with someone else. I got annoyed. told him how he doesn’t care about me and doesn’t remember what he says to me. he apologised for his horrible memory (its honestly a terrible one) and that he’d make it up to me. I just wanted to detatch so more fading happened on my part. A month later, we had another group gathering except this time i left early because i had work the next day, he ended up completely drunk and made out with some chick. When i asked him about it, he said he can’t be blamed for something he doesn’t remember doing (i’ve had my drunk moments too, i get it, but maybe a sorry out of respect? i don’t know). I was pissed off and didn’t even bother to resolve the matter as i was headed overseas for a few months anyway. I gave him a christmas/farewell present but i didnt accept the christmas gift he bought for me. While i was overseas he was still contacting me everyday but i just ignored him, up to the point where he finally asked if we could start anew as friends when i came back, because he felt he was unintentionally hurting me. I replied and told him i don’t actually want anything from him. He left me alone, which is what i wanted. But he still tried to start up a conversation during the holidays, like happy new year, how have you been? My responses were short. He even got his housemate to ask me how i was because he said i was being cold to him. When i came back, he didnt message me straight away, more like a month later, playing dumb, asking if i’m back? And just talking like normal friend. Eventually after 2 months he asked me out to dinner. I went, because i felt like we could be friends again, and it was a nice dinner, he was being nice and patient (he’s usually very impatient) and it was a good catch up. We met again a few times and ended up back with the benefits. This time i asked him why we were sleeping together again when last time it ended up badly? He avoided the topic and asked to talk about it tomorrow, which never happened (i didnt bring it up again). But this time, i feel like we talk alot more and things are escalating again, once more. Instead of seeing him just once a week at most, i see him twice a week minimum. I usually spend friday after work, and all of saturday with him and leave sunday morning for work. He bought me a nice gift for me birthday as well. He sometimes implies the future, like when we head back overseas (we’re both working overseas) we only live 10 minutes from each other. He doesn’t like grocery shopping so i can do the grocery shopping for us. And when there’s a holiday/concert he wants to go to, he automatically assumes i’ll go. But, in group gatherings, he still says he’s single, and there was a time when i implied “i don’t know what we are”, he just said “i don’t know how to answer that”. And he just went back to talking as normal.

    Sometimes, my gut instincts tell me theres something there. But then my brain tells me i’m stupid, and if he liked me he would have said it. His housemate tells me i’m never going to hear him say anything relating to emotions because he’s just not that type of guy. He won’t even admit when he’s wrong. And he probably won’t date me seriously because i’m older than him.

    what should i do?

    1. Hey LeetK. Thanks for the comment. πŸ™‚

      First of all, you need to go read another article of mine: http://billcammack.com/2008/09/05/alcohol-is-no-excuse/ πŸ˜€

      This is because you wrote: “He ended up completely drunk and made out with some chick. When i asked him about it, he said he can’t be blamed for something he doesn’t remember doing”. That’s nonsense. People do *EXACTLY* what they want to do when they’re drunk. Whether he can remember it or not has nothing to do with how he likes to live his life, which is making out with chickS that he finds attractive. You just happen to be one of them. You’re not the *only* one.

      The other telling thing you wrote is: “In group gatherings, he still says he’s single, and there was a time when i implied ‘i don’t know what we are’, he just said ‘i don’t know how to answer that’. And he just went back to talking as normal.” This is what guys say when they don’t want to tell you you’re ONE of their girlfriends, or at least to put it another way, that their relationship to you isn’t stopping them from having a relationship to any other chick they find attractive, drunk or not, and remembering it or not.

      That’s actually a good blog topic.. People thinking they aren’t accountable for how they act when they’re drunk because they don’t remember themselves doing this or that. The problem with that is that OTHER PEOPLE REMEMBER! πŸ˜€ You still take the hit for what you did. It’s just that people don’t mention it to you.

      I’m sure I’ve written at least once about chicks who Jekyll & Hyde based on whether they’re drunk or not. You see them when they walk in the bar sober and it’s all platonic. Later on, once they get high, they’re horny and all over you. Meaning you don’t have to interact with them AT ALL in between those two mental states. You’re not talking to them. You’re not drinking with them or buying them drinks. Nothing… They just return as a completely different chick after they get their liquid courage.

      And then when you see them sober again, they greet you like nothing happened. And then when they’re drunk again, it’s on & poppin’! πŸ˜€

      So this guy you know can forget trying to say that because he doesn’t remember what he did, he can’t be held accountable. Everybody who experienced or saw what he did holds him accountable.

      What you should do, IMO, is decide what kind of life you’re trying to live.

      If you give him an ultimatum and tell him he has to only be with you for the rest of his life, he’s either going to lie to you and say “ok” or he’s going to bounce, because “Ain’t That Type-A Party”.

      If you don’t give him an ultimatum, you can look forward to continued vagueness on his part as far as whether you’re the only woman he’s hooking up with.

      It all depends on what you want for yourself. Good Luck! πŸ˜€

  34. It is important for all them MEN out there to understand that women wired and operate on different biological clock. She is FEMALE and she has been pre-programmed to want to feel secure, to have a provider and have babies. Please stop making fun of women wanting to know where they stand in a relationship and wanting to get married. Women have a very short (comparing to men) reproductive period when they could become pregnant, go through 9 months of pregnancy, give birth to a healthy baby (or babies) and to take care of them. It is a very shitty thing to do to a woman by WASTING her precious time by just ‘dating’. Be a gentleman and tell her upfront the truth. Yes, she may disappear but please understand if you were to have a grown daughter wanting to get married you would NOT approve all those dude’s actions who would just date her, f*ck her (pardon my French) and discard her after 2 years, leaving her older and having to start all over again to look for another man (husband).

    1. I hear you, Lulu. πŸ™‚ Thank you for the comment.

      I don’t consider myself making fun of women trying to corral a man, though maybe you weren’t speaking about me in particular. πŸ™‚

      I wrote “I find it best to state these things up front. For me, it’s way easier to meet a new chick that’s interested than to extricate myself from a relationship with some disillusioned chick.” which is how I feel about the situation.

      If the chick is looking for more than I intend to give her, she needs to bounce because she won’t be able to change my mind.

      In fact, if she refuses to bounce, I’ll help her by stopping interacting with her.

      People have to live their own lives because we all only have one of them.

      It’s better to do what you want in your life than to try to force someone else to make your life worth living because when they’re finished pretending, they’re going to vanish into thin air and not care at all what you think about it.

  35. Hi Bill,
    I think you might have some insight on my situation as well. I was too late in reading your article πŸ˜›
    So i had “the talk” with this guy i’d been dating for the past 7-8 months. He was spending a lot of time with me, not seeing anyone else on the side and we were having a lot of fun together. We started with being great friends since we did have a lot of things in common and loved talking to each other. But for a few weeks now i was not happy with the way things were. I wanted to be more integrated into his life – hang out with his friends, spend even more time together, etc.. So i asked him the dreaded question and it flipped him out. Now he’s thinks that i’m getting all these ‘signals’ of a potential commitment from whatever he does for me (the surprises, care, phonecalls, etc) – which is true, but i know that he wanted to genuinly do all that stuff for me. The truth is that i would be happy to go back to things just the way they were and wait for it to grow naturally, as long as we’re growing and not standing still. I probably messed up by asking ‘where we were’, and now we havent talked for 2 days… do you think i can do anything to get back with him?

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