Thanks for the props. Glad you’re getting something out of the blog. :)

First of all, if it’s currently 8 months after I started dating a gal, that means it’s currently 4 months after we already broke up! HAHAHA, ok, but seriously, folks.. :D

You have a very interesting situation here. There’s nothing wrong with your relationship at all other than the fact that it seems to be suspended with the only option to move BACKWARDS instead of FORWARDS.

It’s good that y’all have this cutesy “I’m gonna call you right back” thing going on, but don’t rely on that as an indication of fidelity. It’s easy enough to talk on the phone with the next chick right next to you or have the next chick talk to her man on the phone with you right next to HER, so that’s nice and all, but keep your wits about you and don’t start depending on that as a crutch.

I see what you’re saying about your “desire to be in a committed relationship”. I also see what he’s saying about “not liking to break up”. My uneducated interpretation of this exchange is that he knows damned well that if he starts dating you officially, at some point it’s going to be over, and then he has to break up with you or make you break up with him.

The way I would attempt to explain this is that there’s a level of interaction where someone in a relationship decides that they’re satisfied with their current BF/GF. That doesn’t mean that they think this person is the be all and end all and they know they’re going to stay with them until they croak. It just means that under the current circumstances, with the people they know at this point in time, they feel like they’re with the best person for them… for now.

This is different from having that “actually devoted, actually looking forward to sharing this entire life together to the exclusion of the billions of other people on this planet” feeling that IMO should be the impetus for someone saying “I want to marry you” or “I want you to marry me”.

Unfortunately, both of these appear the same to the other person, the “current devotion” feeling and the “lifelong devotion” feeling. This is especially true when the other person is “head over heels” and wants to get this show on the road, heading towards marriage and whatever else.

The good part about this is that it appears that this guy’s trying to be straight up with you. The easy thing to do would be to say “I love you too” and let you think you were on that path until he decided he wasn’t interested in you anymore and dumped you out of the blue. I’ve seen this happen to chicks, and it’s not pretty. I’ll definitely give him the credit that he COULD be running all over you like Jim Brown because you’re obviously hanging on his every word, and he’s not doing that to you.

Also, the way I see things, there’s no such thing as “getting into” a committed relationship. You’re either committed or you’re not. It’s two individual decisions that appear to be one mutual decision. You’re committed to him or you aren’t. He’s committed to you or he isn’t. At this point, it looks like you’re committed to him and he’s not committed to you. There’s nothing wrong with that, but you have to see that a “committed relationship” doesn’t occur when the second person agrees, it’s when the first person agrees. You’re going to “act” committed to him because that’s what you want for yourself. The question is whether that’s going to get you anywhere other than currently enjoying the feeling of being head over heels for someone.

May could easily be a problem because of studying for a test or because some other chick’s arriving in town at that point in time and his attentions are going to be split. I don’t know the guy. I have no idea. All I know is I graduated from MIT and got laid all the time, so I don’t see what taking a test has to do with hooking up with your “so-called girlfriend that you’re not in a committed relationship to”.

Also, “Studying for the bar” becomes an all-purpose excuse not to talk to you whereas “Playing basketball” can’t be used 24/7. I dunno. Sounds like a bunch of excuses to me, letting you down easy for the eventual “This isn’t working for me, it’s me, not you, I don’t have time for this anymore” play. When I was with my ex, I took her to work WITH ME, she played video games WITH ME, pretty much whatever I was going to do was going to be made BETTER because she was there (except watching important movies / televison shows, because I need to be completely alone to enjoy those as someone breathing and God Forbid, TALKING or sneezing blows my immersion and ruins the experience for me). I know couples where BOTH OF THEM work and maybe BOTH OF THEM work on their own startups after their “pay the rent” work, and they still have time for each other, so… \o/

Don’t you take the bar after you graduate law school?.. I find it interesting that he mentioned that the reason he broke up with his ex was that he was entering law school and now he’s telling you that he’s going to have less time for you after he exits law school O_o .. Sounds like a reunion to me.

He’s right that you should stop listening to your friends. They’re going to tell you the typical information that’s going to get you dumped. They’re going to say that you should give him an ultimatum. They’re going to tell you that you should withhold sex. They’re going to tell you that if XYZ doesn’t happen by your 1-year anniversary, that that means something. That advice never works and results in more spinsters and old maids because misery loves company. They want to see you at the weekly Girls’ Night’ Out events, brooding and commiserating with them instead of being up under your man.

Your Dad’s advice is decent, but only if you’re going to keep your wits about you. Don’t settle for what your boyfriend says. Make sure you’re monitoring the progress, lack of progress, how he feels, how he acts, etc. If it’s not working for you, bail and start something new.

The main problem here is that you’re exactly where you want to be, but you have no control over the situation. At least you KNOW you don’t have any control, so you understand the playing field. Lots of women THINK they have control and find out otherwise when they break out the ultimatums and sex embargoes and find themselves ejected from the relationship.

If he spends a lot of time with you, I’d agree that he’s with you for more than sex. That has nothing to do with whether he intends to ever date you exclusively.

I don’t believe he’s “passing time” with you, but it does sound like he doesn’t feel like you’re the proverbial “One”. I guess the way I look at it is “If I’m going out with this chick today, what could happen tomorrow that would make me hook up with a different chick?” If the answer is obvious and there are lots of things that would make me “cheat” or break up with her, there’s no point in making my relationship to her official because it’s liable to become UNOFFICIAL at the drop of a hat.

For example: “What if my ex comes to town and wants to give me some?.. Am I going to tell her I don’t want it because I’m with my current girlfriend now?.. Am I going to take it and not mention it to my girlfriend?.. Am I going to take it and tell my girlfriend I hooked up with another chick?.. Am I going to break up with my girlfriend before hooking up so she can’t say I cheated on her?”. Any of those answers besides “Nah, I’m not interested, My girl has that covered, Thanks.” isn’t good for YOU, so it’s better that he never says you’re official so you don’t experience that level of brokenheartedness.

“Keeping your options open” is exactly what you should do, even though it sounds like something regurgitated from homegirl advice. You’ve already indicated that you want to move forward. He’s already indicated that he’s not willing to meet you there and mutually advance into “a committed relationship”, so if that’s what you really want, you should most definitely make yourself available to suitors that are interested in the same thing you’re interested in….. With the obvious caveat that these guys are going to “see you coming” and if they feel like taking the easy route, they just say “ok” to everything you want, regardless of whether they intend to give it to you or not.

His reaction is a ‘funny’ one. Dudes have to realize that if they’re not going to step up to the plate, somebody else is, and their girls are gonna ‘get got’. Period. There’s no way around it. Dude just said he didn’t want to be exclusive with you (= in a committed relationship) and then when you turn around and say “ok, so then I’m not exclusive with you either”, he’s like nah, that doesn’t work for me. Y’all both have obvious positions. He doesn’t want to say he’s with you OR give you a timeline when he might change his mind, and you don’t want to wait around indefinitely. Both are valid points, and y’all are going to have to figure out how to compromise or agree to disagree.

My suggestion to you in this situation is to split the difference. Keep dating him as-is, but keep your conversations open to other guys. What you don’t want to happen is that a year or two from now, you get the “I’m not feeling you” speech and you’re back on the dating scene with zero prospects because no guys know who you are because you were busy playing girlfriend to this dude. It doesn’t mean you have to actually date other guys, just make sure you keep one foot on the playing field so that if it goes the way it looks like it’s going to go, you shared a lot of good times with a guy that really floated your boat and when those ended, you started meeting up with the guys that already know what you’re about as a person and as a potential girlfriend because you stayed in contact with them while dude remained undecided.

Good Luck! :D

My situation is very similar to “Alexis’” here goes:

I’ve been dating a young man for about 8 months now. When we first started “talking” he told me that “if I felt I wanted more from him, to let him know.” One thing I’d like to note is that everytime I spend time with him, it’s like he’s better than the day before. Our communication level is off the chain, and he is very open about his feelings and wishes. If I express a concern of mine, he willfully listens and then I notice the change. I love that about him. We speak several times throughout the day either via email, text, phone calls whatever! He let’s me know, play by play, what his plans are each day and he expects the same from me. He almost always answers his phone call and if not, it’s always returned within 20 minutes, if he’s in class he sends me a text letting me know, and that he will call me right back..and he does. The only time he doesn’t respond right away is if he’s playing basketball and so far that has only happend once. I’ve never met a guy as detailed and concise as he is. I am totally head over heels for him.
A few weeks ago, I expressed my desire to be in a committed relationship. He tells me that he is not ready for a committed relationship because his whole life may change drastically in the next few months (graduating from law school, taking the bar exam in august). He also tells me, that he is not one that likes to break up. He says, he doesn’t see a point in getting in a committed relationship right now when after May hits, he won’t be able to see me as much, because he will be studying for his bar..he say’s that he will not be the same person he is now and he is not sure how I will respond to that. He then goes on to say, he and his ex-girlfriend (they’ve been separated 3 years now) attempted to stay together when he entered his first year of law school but then it didn’t work out because he didn’t get to see her as much. He is a very focused, goal- orientated man and I am well aware that it takes a considerable amount of time to prepare for this exam. I wouldn’t trip out if I knew he was studying. Basically, he doesn’t want the drama. He say’s things are fine the way they are now and that I should stop looking at the calendar and to stop listening to friends who are not in successful relationships. He then goes on to say that the relationship has been progressing and if it wasn’t he could understand my concern but I need to just “go with the flow”. He has all the characteristics I want in a man, and I can tell he is VERY different from the rest. My dad tells me to give him a year and not mention the relationship thing again; wait until he’s done with the bar. I don’t know what to do!!

He claims that he is with me for more than the sexual aspect. Although sometimes I do wonder.

Sometimes I wonder if he is only with me to pass the time; someone to keep him company, and then when he is done, he is going to move on to the next. He says that is not the case.

When I expressed my desire to commit to him and he said that he is not ready at the moment he asked me how I felt about that. (I started to cry although he didn’t know until later) I told him that I would have to “keep my options open” because I didn’t want to put all my eggs in one basket with a man who may never commit. He asked me what I meant by that and I told him that by keeping my options open that infers exactly what I said but doesn’t mean that I would be sleeping with other people. He told me that wouldn’t work out, because it would change our relationship. Knowing that I’m with someone else would ruin everything “he is trying to build”. He claims that our relationship is exclusive, meaning that I am the only one he sleeps with and gives most of his time to. Ugh..this sucks! Basically, he acts like he’s my boyfriend, expects me to act as if i’m his girlfriend but he will not give it a label “at the moment”. I don’t know what to do! I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t want to waste my time either. I’ve agreed to stick it out with him for as long as I can and the next time I saw him, he was more affectionate than ever!
This is so confusing! PLEASE HELP ME! Thanks in advance for whatever light you can shed in my darkness!

I dunno, the guy was able to to play the field and did. Only he knows what he likes. If he still has money and he’s still attractive maybe he just needs to change where he finds women? Else he’s stuck with leatherface and that just is what it is. Hopefully she makes up for it in other departments.

The prostitution industry is an indicator of this. There are no brothels where females can go to get laid by dudes that are just waiting around to service them. Meanwhile, females that are willing to give it up for money (or, back in olden times, bartering for food or livestock) HAVE always been in style and WILL always be in style.

Men are coming after women, PERIOD. There’s no amount of political-correct-rahrah that’s going to make any difference with this dynamic.

Having said that, you’re absolutely right. Guys need to know when to hang it up and retire before they end up with some has-been chick they didn’t bargain for. I’m hoping to address this in my “Hunters” series.

I ‘booked’ this chick the other day, and I was sitting around talking to a homeboy of mine about the situation and he was like “Yo.. Did you call her?”.. It took me a few seconds to respond and say “No”, because I really hadn’t considered calling her. I got her number because that’s what was to do at the time.

I meet girls every time I attend an event, which means I probably meet 5-7 new girls every week without even trying. I met four girls yesterday and passed up meeting another two because I was already in a conversation. Unless a chick really strikes me as “MAN! I’ve got to hang out with this chick some more, ASAP!” it makes no difference, because I’m going to meet more girls tomorrow. \o/

One of the downsides that you astutely point out about Mass Appeal is that you think it’s going to last forever. You think you’re going to be the fly guy forever. You think you’re going to have access to 19-year-old chicks forever.

You can easily outlast your flyness and go from the HS Quarterback to the Shoe Salesman like Al Bundy did on Married With Children.

I know one guy who had it all when he was younger: good looks, good job, no problems with pulling chicks. Somehow, that made him believe that when he broke up with one GF, a chick better than the last one would always come his way.

Then one long-term GF asked him to get married. She was all a guy could ask for, so he said yes, but he wanted one more year to “fool around”. She told him where he could stick it and left.

He is in his early fifties now. Saw him the other day at a friend’s wedding. The woman on his arm was in good shape, but her skin was leathery from too many hours in the tanning booth. Her face…. well, I guess “worn out” would be the best description.

We all made fun of the situation behind his back. The guy is a has been dating has beens. It was a sorry sight. BELEEDAT. :-)