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Be Yourself in Relationships
On another post, reader Alexis asks The Kid:
Bill, I am curious… Knowing that you are the kind of guy who is very “here and now†wouldn’t that turn off someone that you possible “love� So I gotta know… How do you treat a woman that you KNOW if someone you LOVE and want to be committed to? Or even possible married? Do you still treat her this way (as “here and now� Or does she get “different†and “preferential†treatment.
I think that this highlights a fundamental problem in relationships. Unfortunately, it’s a sleeper, and people don’t recognize it until it’s too late and they’re already months or years down the road in their relationships.
The first thing you need to be able to do in a “relationship” is BE. YOURSELF!
What I mean by that is that being a “here and now”, “spur of the moment” person is part of my PERSONALITY. I can not give someone preferential treatment vs MY OWN PERSONALITY. haha It doesn’t work like that. When it comes down to a choice between my personality and some chick, the chick loses. Period. Every time. No question or doubt. Zero exceptions.
Any time I CHOOSE to do something that goes against my nature for the benefit of a female, I’m doing her A FAVOR. It’s not that I’m compelled to do something out of some sense of “She deserves this” or she gets some sort of “preferential treatment”. Nope. I decided it’s something I either don’t want to do or don’t care about doing, but I’m going to CHOOSE to do it anyway, as a gift to her.
People RARELY bring what they actually want to the table when it comes to dating. It’s funny how if you go read entries on dating sites, they all sound so vanilla and middle-of-the road. Nobody’s doing “nothing” out of the ordinary. Everybody wants the same thing….. Right. :/ What’s really happening is that everyone’s holding back the real deal, hoping to land the other person while suppressing what they really want and what they really like.
This is one reason why people seem to “change” down the line. They get tired of acting. They get tired of suppressing who they really are to get the other person to do the right thing. You know what? I’m done taking out the trash. I’m done mowing the lawn. I’m done babysitting your kids. I’m done taking you to the movies. I’m done going to your grandmother’s house on Sundays. I’m done having kids with you I didn’t ask for or plan. I’m done listening to your crabby girlfriend low-rate me to you. I’m done doing things the way YOU like them instead of the way *I* want to do them. Take it or leave it. I don’t care. Be Out. Peace. Don’t let the door hit’cha where the Good Lord split’cha.
It’s easy to be (not yourself) during a few dates or if you only see someone briefly. It’s not so easy when you start seeing someone regularly or get into some kind of relationship with them. This is why you need to consider YOUR PERSONALITY first and whomever you’re dealing with SECOND.
When people don’t do what they want to do inside relationships, they do those things OUTSIDE of relationships. Does that make sense? When was the last time Hillary was under the table with a cigar? Get the picture? These things have to be done and SOMEBODY’S got to do it. Faking it and suppressing it in a relationship doesn’t mean it’s gone. If you’re not doing it, it’s happening in some other way.
Same thing with how chicks want guys to throw out their erotica collections. Come on. Srsly? Can you mind YOUR OWN BUSINESS? hahahaha The collection was around BEFORE you and will be around AFTER you. He was already into this stuff at the time you married him and was into it steadily for years until you found it. Get over it, live with it or break North. I actually saw a television show where they sent some guy to a camp or something to try to cure him of his erotica addiction hahaha oh brother. Sorry. If he likes chicks that look like X and you look like Y, you’re not going to visually turn him on REGARDLESS. You’re actually better off letting him keep what gets him aroused and reaping the benefits yourself, Capisce?
Alexis asked (basically) if my personality would turn off people that I possibly love. The answer to that is “Most Definitely! hahaha”. The reason that’s funny is that I actually REQUIRE people to be turned off by things that I do that they don’t like. That’s the only way to go, IMO. If you can’t hang with me, don’t. If reading DatingGenius gets you upset, go read something else. If you don’t like the chicks I go out with, send me some that you like. Good Lookin’ Out, haha.. Email their pics to DatingGenius@gmail.com. If you don’t like the fact that I say “chicks” instead of “ladies” or “women”, don’t listen to me speak in person. This isn’t one of those “It takes a village” situations.. In this case, it only takes one.
If 100 chicks don’t want to hang out with me for whatever reason and ONE wants to hang out with me, having a decent idea “Who I am” from reading my posts or chatting with me in person, I’m GOOD! My time is being well-spent, thank you. Personally, I’ve already been down that road of acting like someone else so some chick will wanna spend time with me, and it always ends up with “Bump THIS!.. I’mma do what *I* wanna do!” and that’s that.
The trick to these situations is personality and getting to know each other. Women attempt to distinguish themselves sexually in relationships, and for the most part, that can’t be done. The only way you’re going to stand out is by your personality, demeanor, way of being, how you carry yourself, your intelligence, common sense… The things that make any human being great are the things that a guy is going to select YOU for over the next woman and want to be exclusive with you. The fact that you give it up the most isn’t going to get you any credit towards layaway on an engagement ring. ‘Matter of fact, that doesn’t even mean he LIKES having sex with YOU the most… it just means he’ll take it.
When a guy gets to know a gal and honestly likes and respects her as a person, he NATURALLY wants to ‘do for her’. “What do *I* want to do” is often replaced by “What can I do to make HER smile?”. That’s not acting, pretending or playing it off. It’s a natural urge that he gets that’s honestly as vivid and strong as his erotica collection creates. It’s a really GREAT thing to be able to do for a woman that you feel deserves your time and attention. It’s great because it’s your desire to fulfill HER desires and you get to accomplish both at the same time as well as letting her know that she’s loved and appreciated.
IMO, This is when things work out the best.. When the actual personality of each person compels them to have the best interests of the other person at heart. Unfortunately, haha, that’s not usually the case, and people come to the table trying to get what they’re trying to get and temporarily concealing differences between them that might cause them not to get laid (or whatever they’re looking for from the other person). So “preferential treatment” isn’t actually what you want to look for in someone to date… You’re looking for someone who naturally wants to be around you, spend time with you, be in contact with you and incorporate you into every facet of his life that he possibly can, if you’re thinking this guy has ideas about future plans with you.
As for the folks that are busy concealing idiosyncrasies, as long as you’re looking to get in and get out, that’s fine. Have fun with that. If your plan in to get into a LTR, my advice is to make sure that person knows who you are from the giddyap, ’cause when you get tired of acting, there’s the potential for the situation to become a complete mess. BELEEDAT!
~Bill
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More wisdom from Liam. This should be true in all your relationships (save family and neighbors whom you just can’t choose). You are who you are and if you are uncomfortable with someone leave or ask them to leave. You are indebted to no one except your children and yourself.
Bill you are Polonius to the mass of Hamlets out there. To thine own self be true.
haha Thanks, Nino…. Believe me, it’s not something I just thought up. The wisdom’s from the trenches. That feeling of “How the heck did I GET HERE?!?!?” and “What am I supposed to do, now that I want to make HER happy and make MYSELF happy at the same time?”.
In my case, *MYSELF* won out and always will, I suspect. Even when I’m doing for others, I’m CHOOSING to do for others. A lot of people feel like they can fake the funk and “do them” on their leisure time. That’s all well and good until your time with her starts to outweigh your time to do what YOU want to do and then tough decisions have to be made…
It is easy for some people to forget about themselves because they are more worried about impressing people. I like how you presented this and agree with it. It is easier said than done, however. I am a shy person and so I tend to be passive. A lot of times when I meet someone I try to hard to become someone else so that they will be impressed. When/if it ever works, they then have to learn about my shyness which is a turn off. But there are some real men out there that see my shyness and still manage to stick around…. that is when they see I am being true to myself.
This site is starting to make me yawn. Why? I love romance sooooo much. And your writings take the “ro” out of the “mance” – - LOL. They do!
I’m VERY grounded in reality, despite what Frank has written to me about “raw chicken” in one of his posts. I KNOW my guy ain’t commiting to me verbally – - well, not in Public anyway. LOL…
But, his actions show me that I am his girl. He’s kind, he’s cute, and he’s romantic, which I love. I get starry eyed around ‘em, and he gets all starry eyed around me too. And before ya’ll start sayin’ “That’s cuz he WANTS SOME from ya”, C’mon. It ain’t always ’bout SEX and GETTIN’ Laid.
Write an article entitled… “NOT ALL GUYS ARE ALL ABOUT SEX”, and then admit to your playa mentality while you’re at it. NOW THAT would totally show your readers that you have the ability to come from ALL perspectives, and to recognize that not all guys allow their D*ck to RULE out… SOME guys CAN and DO control their doggie instincts – - LOL!
A~
I understand why you’re yawning. This site doesn’t mesh with your world view. For you to say that guys have to “control their doggie instincts”, you’re not seeing life the way a lot of guys see life. It’s all about getting as many chicks as you want. It’s not about getting just one in your entire life.
Because you’re automatically seeing normalcy as one guy with one girl, you see guys having multiple girls as an anomaly or a disorder when it’s actually a rather common way of life.
Keeping blinders on is what makes it easy for guys to do whatever they like and still maintain a girlfriend or wife at home. These concepts are going to be boring to you, except the refusal to consider viable lifestyles is what makes women unable to see what’s happening to them on a daily basis.
So, this site isn’t here for you to like it or for anyone else to like it. It’s here for education. If you learn something, good. If you happen to be entertained along the way, that’s merely a fringe benefit. :D
You wrote: “…what makes women unable to see what’s happening to them on a daily basis.”
Of course LOTS of men cheat, lie, etc… But you say “women”, as tho ALL women are being cheated on… all guys are cheating… ALL guys are out there gettin’ whatever they can even while married. My point is, why generalize. It’s not “ALL”. Some guys ARE faithful (even if they DO THINK about and LOOK AT other women).
You wrote: “It’s all about getting as many chicks as you want. It’s not about getting just one in your entire life.”
Ok. I KNOW chix are a HUGE part of a man’s life. BUT… SOME men also balance that with education/intellectual stimulation, sports, hobbies, etc…
My man IS very intellectual. He “logics” everything out in his mind. He likes to read philisophical writings. He loves to challenge people, he adores his job, etc… So it’s not ALL about chix. My guy thinks ALOT about MANY things.
And while I do agree that MANY THOUSANDS and THOUSANDS of guys are out there
wantin’ to get “as many chix as they can” throughout life, there are also THOUSANDS and THOUSANDS that are not just chick hounds.
hahaha Agreed. There are many of each.
Without knowledge of both sides, the deck is stacked against y’all.
“Keeping blinders on is what makes it easy for guys to do whatever they like and still maintain a girlfriend or wife at home.”
I agree with this too. My mom got duped this way, so I became privy to the signs of a cheater from my earlier years when my Dad was tapping everything else that existed outside the home.
I definitely DON’T want THAT to happen to me. But I don’t believe that IT IS happening to me. No, I’m NOT “the exception”. I’m ONE of many women whose guy is NOT cheating.
Could he be? Sure. And I’m certain that someone with his “privacy” policies DOES appear as someone who *could* be gettin’ it somewhere else (other than me). And while I am fully aware of that, I also know that he ISN’T the type of man to do this. Again, NOT ALL guys do what you and Frank discuss in your articles.
I have to ask… What are you and bill going to write when you get married? I know “marriage” won’t change the fact that there are still THOUSANDS of guys out there cheatin’, lookin for as many chix as they can get, etc… So, perhaps you’ll still be writing the same scenarios.
…But I’m interested to see ya’ll fall in love and get married, and then write about romance and love. :) :) That would be cute ! ! ! :) :) I think you will settle down some day, and (like most guys, you’ll look at other women and you’ll think about other women), but you’ll be faithful.
This makes me smile because I know it’ll likely happen to both you and Frank one day… you’ll love someone soooo much that you want to marry her (or live with her forever), and you will. And you will suppress the urge to move on to other women, to cheat, to lie, to get as many chix as ya’ll can, etc… Why? Because eventually “gettin’ as many chix as ya can” will make you yawn… it’ll get old… and you’ll want the close bond, the love, and the security of a family (be it you and wifey… or you, wifey, dog, and cat… or you, wifey, and kids, and goldfish).
Sometimes the wholesome stuff is so beautiful. It trumps everything else. Many people in this day and age forget that.
P.S. I have a question, which I hope is ok to ask: How old are you? How old is Frank? I don’t see it on your site.
P.P.S. I hope I haven’t offended you. I’m just writing as I see things (i.e. my world view). I do love the idea that “monogamous” relationships STILL exist. And I would love for you to write about the guys that DO NOT cheat, DO NOT lie, DO NOT look at the world like you and Frank describe. Can you interview some guys like this, and put them on audio, to give some of us girls “hope”. After all, it’s TRUE. There really ARE guys that don’t think about “how many chix they can get” throughout their lives. Give them a fair shot too… Let women hear the audio and read the words about the “good” and “nice” guys that have values.
By the way, you’re adorably cute. :) And I do love your site. The yawn comment was not meant as “I hate your site”. It was meant as an opening line to what frustrates me about your site!!! LOL…. the omission of TRUE stories of GOOD guys…
I don’t think it’s a disorder. I think it’s something that definitely exists in a zillion guys out there. Just can’t generalize it to every guy.
My guys has probably been exactly what you describe, all of his life.
But eventually (like so many guys) he’ll settle in with one woman. They almost always do. And if they have a good value system, and an excellent relationship with a cool chick, they won’t cheat.
:)
Ok, so maybe it’s kinda rare? Particularly with the divorce stats as they are in the U.S., I’m guessing it IS rare. BUT it exists. And besides, not all divorces are due to men wantin’ to get other chix. Many are due to physical abuse, financial issues, struggles between parents re: step children, differences in goals, etc…
IF what you write is true of ALL guys, … Damn, there goes my romantic dream… :( I’d love to have a best friend that is also my husband, who also excites the living shyte out of me…. Someone about whom I care about deeply, and who cares deeply for me… Someone to hold… Someone to laugh with… Someone to share passion and dreams with… etc…
Hope that my dream comes true someday.
I like being dreamy and starry-eyed with men. It brings me out of “logic” mode and into romance land. :) It feels good.
The prob with alot of women is that they don’t know HOW to stay grounded, while simply visiting “romance/starry” mode for the NIGHT. They REMAIN STUCK in la la land, whilst the guy is doing whateva. And they dream that he’s this perfect prince that loves her and only her… and he’s going to marry her tomorrow… and they’ll have kids… and they’ll buy furniture together… etc…
I tell my friends all the time, “I LOVE romance!!!”. It’s so beautiful… It makes the night like a romantic movie… He kisses me under that stars, we melt together… we stare into eachothers eyes, and then we make passionate love.” :) …But next day I dream for a bit about the “starry” night, and then “boom!” I FORCE myself to snap out of it (even tho it felt really good to dream), cuz I gotta get back to reality… real life, work, “thought mode”, etc…
Many women will STAY in starry mode, and then dream their lives away (believe me, I have to catch myself ALL the time…. so as not to get tooooooo dreammmmy about my guy and the relationship). Cuz what happens if ya get too emotional is that ya start seein’ qualities in the guy AND in the relationship that DO NOT EXIST.
I know my man has flaws. He knows I got flaws. He’s very logical. I bring ‘em into dreamy mode. He goes with it (it’s cute). He knows I love it, and he also knows that, yes, it’ll get ‘em laid for sure. ;)
So, as we’re usin’ all these cutie words, and creating a romantic movie for the night, we KNOW it’s all about role playing (we play the romantic roles and enjoy it – - right up until the big ‘O’ and then holding eachother afterward). BUT, we always check in with eachother to be sure we know that we’ve got to be grounded in reality the next day.
It’s dangerous when a woman dreams her life away, cuz the guy’s out there doin’ whateva, and she’s floating in some sorta bubble. Someone’s gotta put a PIN in that bubble at some point, to deflate it… bring her back to earth! But she ignores the pin… and goes deeper into la la la la la la la land.
I have an ex-friend who is married. She lives in a HUGE fantasy land all day, while he’s out cheating. All she wanted from him was a house and kids. That really repulsed me to watch this go down. I mean, she disappointed me so much with her materialistic needs and fulfilling HER dreams, etc… MORE and MORE and MORE money got spent on HER, while she stayed home with two whiney/drueling brats, in a GIGANTIC home (for which he went into hock)… He was workin’ like 90 hrs a week (and still is). NO WONDER he got clinically depressed and started drinking.
…Anyway, she is still living in that fantasy. Husband still cheats (and is utterly miserable)… and she turns a blind eye to it, whilst sitting in her lavish home with nothin’ but empty space … but hell, she’s got her Technicolor and phantasmagoric fantasy world to keep her alive, right? LOL.
I say this to all the chix out there… Keep it simple, light, fun, and dreamy dreamy. But after that, wake the F up and see it for what it REALLY is. If ya like the man, go back into starry-eyed mode tomorrow nite when you’re with ‘em… he’ll love it… he’ll go along with it…. you’ll have your romance novel/movie… he’ll get laid… and life is good.
“When a guy gets to know a gal and honestly likes and respects her as a person, he NATURALLY wants to ‘do for her’. “What do *I* want to do†is often replaced by “What can I do to make HER smile?â€. That’s not acting, pretending or playing it off. It’s a natural urge that he gets that’s honestly as vivid and strong as his erotica collection creates. It’s a really GREAT thing to be able to do for a woman that you feel deserves your time and attention. It’s great because it’s your desire to fulfill HER desires and you get to accomplish both at the same time as well as letting her know that she’s loved and appreciated.”
Well said, Bill, but does that ever happen in the world you and Frank seem to live in? If I understand Frank correctly, he gets scared if a woman demands exclusivity during the first 2 months or so, because that is way too early in his book. Doesn’t that mean that no matter how great a woman’s personality is, she first has to agree to be a FWB, and then work her way up the ladder, until Frank finally has mercy on her and kindly upgrades her to “girlfriend”-status?
Are there really so many women out there willing to take crap like that?
I don’t know. Maybe it is because I have been out of the game for 13 years, or maybe because I “live in the sticks”, but all men I ever had a relationship with were in love with me before anything happened, and I was in love with them. Why else would I have wanted to be physically close to them? To me, life is simple: A guy is in love with me, then maybe sex happens, and it is exclusive. Or a guy is not in love with me, and in that case, he does not need to have sex with me. He may think he needs to, but I don’t care. Period. Sex without being loved is…. what is the word you like to use, Bill? “Meh”? Right. The guy can be an expert lover, but without the principal ingredient, no thank you. I can FEEL the difference, and I have no trouble calling things off at the very last minute if I sense that I am not getting what I want. Been there, done that. As I said in another post, sex as merely a feel-good activity is no more exciting to me than a good meal. I would not want it, even if I were single. I’d rather buy a vibrator and a cat and read really smutty fanfiction online. That has almost the same effect, but the risk of getting my feelings hurt is much lower. :-)
I like your site’s new look, by the way.
LOL…
It seems that what i have written has been taken out of context!!! 1)I never said that it scared me BUT why would I want to be exclusive with someone I just met!!??!! Better yet why would someone who just met ME want to be exlclusive??? 2 months… Honestly, what could you possibly know about me in that time? Its not the asking that has me running for the hills, its the need to be in a relationship that raises those flags! If you just got out of a LTR why are you in such a rush to get into another?? If im not moving fast enough for you, pack up your bag and find someone who is equally interested in being in one. Its not the asking that is an issue, its your/her/his need to either “mold” you into what is needed and wanted OR having said person suppress his/her feelings/instincts just to get to the finish line. WHY??? In Alexis case (and again I dont know him and clearly wrote I would love to hear his side) it seems like she is DETERMINED to change him. Uhm, what happens in 4 or 5 months when he dcides that since he is always with her he might as well be exclusive? He concedes and she gets what she wants but not how she wanted. If she has to put her urge to be romanticized on hold until she breaks him, what did she get-A Photo Finish Second Place! For the record breaking some one or convincing that person that this is the right way is not the same as having THAT person come running into your place and declare his love for you! Simply put, no one ever WON the silver, they all LOST the gold! 2)I have been and am currently in a RELATIONSHIP and guess what (unless my old memory is failing me now) I DONT EVER RECALL HAVING A CONVERSATON ABOUT IT! It just happened. Over time (in one instance weeks) I decided that I enjoyed that persons company more than I enjoyed going out every night and getting sum different AZZ! By this I also mean that I enjoyed the company/convo enough that some nights ended with out any kind of sexual contact but i was fine with that. Please dont confuse my aversion to being told I have to decide on a status with a dislike for being in a relationship! And yes FishingRod, I agree with you, self satisfaction is a definite prefernce for me as well. Especially if the promise of sex is being dangled from the “but its my way or no way” stick.
Question(s): Does anyone have ANY interest in hearing the other SIDE?? What if HE is not opposed to a relationship but has concerns about her need to be validated by being in one? What if her need to be in one has caused him to tune out but enjoy the ride on that 69 line? AND if he has tuned out; would you rather I/we (bill) continue to feed your relationship fantasy or be as honest as I can be with only her one side of the story???
Alexis, in answer to your earlier questions: I am 39yrs old. Yes I have been in relationships. I like a few inches of space between us when enjoying a walk on the city concrete. I am an a
Aquarian who enjoys moon lit walks on the way to getting to KNOW some one! :)
And getting to know that person meansgetting to know who they are NOW! There is no credit just because you knew/dated him 21 yrs ago! People change!
Hmmmmmm…
Raw chicken?
Alexis, let me attempt to do that thing that women do so well with men… Yeah, I’m gonna’ read your mind. ;)
I’m thinking instead of saying romance, you meant to say passion. Right? Because we all know that uncontrollable, warm, gushy feeling fizzles out all on it’s own. Poof. Then you’re left with a real, imperfect, person in front of you and not some idealized fantasy on two feet. What? Women objectify men that way? Pshaw, you may say… I’m thinking of the word Imago which I was pretty familiar with before Oprah could even spell it.
Passion, on the other hand, is something you can consciously pump into a relationship when needed but it requires effort over the long haul. File that under, nothing worth having is free.
I agree with Frank: I’d rather be known and recognized as a person than merely as a role in someone else’s quest for a relationship fantasy.
Oh and, “SOME guys CAN and DO control their doggie instincts” – Yeah, they’re called women! lol
I kid. :-)
lol @ “doggie instincts” haha :D
I might never cease to be amazed at people that think the game has changed one iota since the caveman days just because we wear clothes now and drive cars and interact with each other on the internet.
Women that don’t think men are coming after them for sex are merely blinding themselves to the truth and making it tougher to understand their own relationships or at least the men they’re in relationships with.
Similarly, women that think that setting up a sexual embargo against their guy (or at least having “a headache” or “her period” every other week) isn’t going to push him to hook up with other chicks… Those women have another thing coming. Don’t complain to me about it. Go read the cheating and divorce statistics. :)