Big City Dating (Meet The Parents)

Unforgivable BCI was watching a documentary last night about ultra-legendary actor Morgan Freeman offering to pay for a high school in Mississippi to have its first ever INTEGRATED. PROM. in the Year of Our Lord 2008 AD!!! :/. The thing that struck me as the most interesting (and, granted, as an editor, I know that I can make footage look like anything I want it to) was that the kids seemed okay with each other during regular everyday interactions. It wasn’t like the white kids and the black kids (according to the edit) disliked each other and were being forced to have an integrated prom.. in 2008 AD.

When asked why they were still having segregated proms although the school had been integrated since IIRC 1970…. hmm.. They were pretty late to the table with THAT to begin with! 😀 But the point is that when asked, everyone in the video pointed the finger at parents and school board members (read: still more old-ass people).

When the old-ass people were interviewed, they either shrugged their shoulders like “I don’t know why” or said something to the effect of “That’s how it’s always been” like as if they’re still watching 13″ Black & White Televisions because that’s what they had when they grew up. :/ I’ll give the interviewees PROPS for getting on screen and talking AT ALL. Cheers to them for making their ideas known and expressing themselves. 🙂 Seriously. There was one guy that was younger who was willing to talk to the camera, but he needed to be blurred out. They probably didn’t even use his voice.

This one father was explaining why he didn’t want his white daughter to date a black dude, and I couldn’t believe he was still rocking the ancient excuse “She doesn’t realize how tough it’s going to be on the kids!”. The question is.. WHY would it be “tough on the kids” if they were bi-racial or mulatto or whatever they’re calling themselves these days? I’ll tell you why…. Because there are way too many people in other people’s business in a town with only 2,100 RESIDENTS!!! (IIRC). 2,100 RESIDENTS!!!.. My High School had 3,000 kids in it, ONLY attending 9th, 10th, 11th and 12th grades. My island (Manhattan, New York City) has A MILLION PEOPLE ON IT. If something’s “tough on the kids” on 54th street.. Guess what? You hang out on 55th street. Or 53rd street. Or in Queens or Brooklyn or The Bronx or Staten Island or take the Path train to Jersey..

Meet The Parents

In “Do You Have Relationship Role Models?”, Liz Rizzo writes:

“But it is also a little strange to never be around people’s parents ever. To never have those relationships to look to as potential examples you can learn from. That’s what I think of when I think of South Florida. That back where I’m from there are so many people who regularly see their parents and their friends’ parents and grandparents and aunts and uncles.”

When I read that, I really had to think about it.. Other than girls who I dated that actually lived ~1/4 mile in any direction from my house, the last time I met kids’ parents was in Elementary School when we had sleepovers. Most of the kids that I knew had parents that both had jobs, so if we went to their houses, they were never there. By the time they arrived, I was already back at my house eating dinner. As far as the local mothers & fathers, the only reason they knew I was spending time with their daughters was because I would still be there when they arrived. That was always a conscious decision that I made. I could have remained in Ghost Mode and they would never have seen me with their daughters, evAr, even though they lived three blocks from my house. I’ve messed with chicks while their parents were in the same house with us but on different floors and they never even knew I LIKED their daughters. The concept of introducing myself to a chick’s parents as a potential suitor is mentally akin for me to actually putting on a suit of armor, picking up a lance, getting on a horse and jousting. It just never crosses my mind.

There’s no such thing in NYC as “Pick a chick up from her house” or “Sit down with her parents and chat”.. For What? 😀 Nobody cares about their opinion anyway. Whatever they say to you, you tell them what they want to hear and then go ahead and do whatever you were going to do with their daughter in the first place. It’s irrelevant and a waste of time. However…. If you live in a town with 2,100 residents, everybody’s going to know if you’re kickin’ it with someone’s daughter SOONER rather than LATER so your best bet is to get dressed up and step to the parents, hoping they approve of y’all’s relationship. Someone that knows her family works at the diner. Cain’t go there! Someone works at the baseball field. Cain’t go there! Someone works at the drive-in theatre. Cain’t go there! Even if you don’t go ANYWHERE with a chick, SOMEBODY’S going to recognize her car in your part of town even if you hide it in your garage while she’s there, so you may as well forget about keeping it on the QT.

Urban Nomads

Urban Nomads
Photo Credit: J-Rad

When I was growing up, we were basically nomads. We were just about always in the street, “hanging out”. New York City has an extensive mass transit system and when we were in school, we had bus passes and train passes, meaning we could go anywhere we wanted for free. The trains never stopped running, either. Many-A-Time, post-HS, I waited for the subway to come and get me @ 5am to take me home from a club.

Where would we meet chicks? In the street. Other than that, one guy would have met one gal previously and invited her to bring her girlfriends to hang out with us. Basically, we kept it moving and got whatever the day brought us. Similar to Genghis Khan, we would roll somewhere, set up camp, enjoy whatever the locality had for us and then eventually retreat back around the way and do it all again tomorrow. There’s no reason to go to a chick’s house, because you met her in the street. She obviously knows how to get outside of her crib and travel places. There’s no reason to hang out with her within her neighborhood, where people are likely to recognize her and get in your business. In Manhattan, there are some blocks with three CROWDED bars within 50 steps of each other, with several areas in each bar. It’s easy to disappear INSIDE OF A BAR with a chick by ‘hiding’ amongst people that you don’t know. Worst-case scenario, if the bathroom has a lock on it, it’s ON! 😉

It’s not so much that people aren’t TRYING to be in our business here.. It’s that they CAN’T! 😀 There are too many places to be, too many ways to get around and too many ways to communicate. Your daughter’s sitting down eating with you, her phone vibrates, she reads the text and floats out the door and your information after that is ZERO. If you think you’re slick by being nosey and going through her phone, you probably won’t get Rihanna’d up, but the guy’s phone number is going to have a girl’s name on it and there won’t be any valuable information in the text stream, so your snooping won’t get you anywhere. Even if you somehow find out where she’s going, you’re not going to embarrass yourself by coming inside. 🙂 Next thing you know, she takes two steps out of the bar, flags a taxi and is gone to who-knows-where again. That’s life in the big city. Your best bet is to have a friendly relationship to your kids so they trust you with information rather than evading you, which is insanely easy to do.

All Day… And All Of The Night

The guy in the film who was attempting to keep his daughter from her boyfriend placed a curfew on her to come right home after school, IIRC. That’s a good idea, however, how long do you think it takes to spend time with your daughter? Last I understood about American schools, they get something called lunchtime, which could be anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour. You think she’s not SAVORING EVERY MINUTE she has with this guy, since you’re restricting her the rest of the time? Also, last I checked, kids went to school starting around 8:30 and ended school around 3:30, which is seven hours that you have no Line Of Sight on your daughter whatsoever. Between classes they might share together, study halls, absent teachers and deliberately cutting class together, they’re probably spending MORE TIME with each other during school hours than they would have spent AFTER school, meaning he probably wouldn’t see her so much during the daytime if he knew he was going to hang out with her in the evening, so it balances out anyway.

Oh.. Also.. I hope you don’t have a job. Here in NYC, most kids get out of school either @ 2:30 or 3:30 and their parents don’t get off of their 9-5s until…. you guessed it!!! FIVE! 😀 That’s a scot-free hour and a half every single day in your own crib right under your nose. So if you think you’re slick by grounding her and calling home at 4pm to make sure she’s there, listen carefully for sneezing, dishes clinking or male laughter in the background. Also.. The second you get off the phone with her, assume she did anything she wanted inside or outside of your crib until mass transit can bring you into potential visual contact with your house.. because she DID.

Once again, as a parent, it’s going to be imperative for you to be the ruler, yes.. but also someone that your kid LIKES and TRUSTS and doesn’t see as some kind of warden that’s to be avoided and evaded at all costs. If you live in the sticks, you can get away with attempting to lock down her time because the pharmacist is going to let you know when they saw your daughter and so is the gym teacher and the assistant principal and the gas station general store owner. In a big city, it doesn’t work like that. There’s nowhere that we HAVE to go, so we COULD be anywhere. I’ve personally received texts and changed my plans for the day in a split second because something better came up, so even if you require an explanation of where she’s going, it’s useless as soon as she walks out the door. Until they come up with portable video telephones, when you call your daughter and she tells you she’s @ Suzy Mae’s house, you have no choice but to believe her.

Your Mom’s In My Business

Ultimately, I wish the parents luck in achieving their goals in life, regardless of how unrealistic they might be. I wish for them authentic, healthy relationships with their kids. It’s going to take INTELLIGENCE to achieve that, not sanctions and embargoes and curfews and taking away phones and throwing out her clothes that you think make her look like a slut.

Her “slutty clothes” and her other kinky paraphernalia are stashed at her girlfriend’s house, or, even more disappointing to you, at her boyfriend’s house! 😉

You can’t stop the bum rush. If your daughter sees something she likes, she’s gonna come after it. If you try to stop her, it’s only going to make her feel more ravenous for what you don’t want her to have and she’s going to maximize the time she DOES get with this guy.. Capisce? 😀 Make it clear to her what you feel and what your values are and what you’re hoping for her future and if y’all have a decent relationship to each other, she MIGHT keep your desires in mind when she’s in the streets doing whatever she wants to do.

As far as people that are still dating.. It’s tough enough to avoid your FRIENDS getting in your business about who you should or shouldn’t date and why. It’s tougher to have to deal with your parents putting in their two cents about the situation. It’s toughEST to have to deal with your parents not wanting you to date someone so that YOUR PARENTS don’t have to get grilled by THEIR FRIENDS about why they’re “letting” you date that person. They’re not worried in. the. least. for YOU or your mulatto kids. They’re worried about THEMSELVES and their social standing in a community that’s still trying to relive the past. If they were worried about YOU, they’d want you to date someone that puts a smile on your face and returns you home safely to your crib every. single. night. They’d ask you if he treats you respectfully and seems proud to spend time with you and let people know that you’re his girlfriend.

If you live in the sticks, you might have to eat it for a while until you can get a job and get your own place so you can stop hearing “As long as you’re under MY roof, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah”. Hopefully, by the time you get out from under the oppression, you still have a LOVING feeling towards your parents. Sometimes, they’re right. Sometimes, you’re dating a CRUMB and you don’t recognize it because you feel so in love with this guy right now.. The way to tell if they’re being selfish is to ask yourself “What does that have to do with ME?”. “It’ll be hard on the kids”? What kids? What if you don’t HAVE kids with him? Does that make the relationship cool? Nope. There’s something else. You won’t be able to get a job. You won’t win the town beauty pageant. Your teachers will give you lower grades if you date him. I’ll disown you. I’ll kick you out of our home. I’ll give away your trust fund to the church. It’s always SOMETHING! 😀

Good Luck With That! 😉

~Bill Cammack | @BillCammack

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2 Comments

  1. Thanks Bill,
    In complementing my past comments and link it to these post is like i kills 2 birds with one stone. but the stone i have is i pick somewhere at the roadside (i dont know what’s the place name). so strange. Need to stop and push break emergency because the front tyre of my car is getting flat without enough oxygen. Then, i started thinking. Unlike other day every time i back to my home town, the first thing i should do is go to mechanic shop -change oils, check the filter and everything so that my 5 hrs journey, and driving alone will go smoothly.

    So do my life. As i wrote in the past post, women are the expert to be called, pretender. So do i. But when the discussion is touching on feeling, heart and personal life, I am not as good as pretender.

    Bill, yes i admit it. Sometime we were wrong on the guy that we fall because we really love him/her and that the role of parents to be in when something goes wrong! It is their part. zno one denied it because they are our parent. In the other hand, too much demanding and raise up an old issues that are almost forgotten by others is only made certain of sensitives women taking for granted on it.

    I always asking myself. Am i an obidient daughter? If so, why can’t they give me some space so that i can breath freely to feel the fresh air. To love someone and to be love by someone is like this world is belong to me. Same thing with family. Where do they go when i am in financial problems? Do they care? Do they asked me, have taken your lunch or dinner already? No..i have a lovely mum but she cannot do anything because my father is the boss. So, what can i do? The only person who is really understand and care of me is the man i love whom he is also my ex-fiancee!

    Bill, now what i am trying to share with you in related to this post is that, are we going to dumbed someone we love, someone who really care of you just because you’re being called, ungrateful daugther!by your father? Are we should listen to him or our love once? Of cause i have to defend him. Our enagagement is break-off not because that we’re different races, different cultures and also different country except we our religion (R.C Christian).

    His mum and father (British family) from UK has never interfearance our relationship from the beginning we date except when we plan our engagement. But his mum can’t stand to see how pressure and stressful i am everyday just because of my father! And then, we both agree to break-off..in sadness and tears. That is 3 yrs ago.

    Being control by my father the whole of my life has made me getting fed-up…busy body with my business..when a big blast from me! no one in my family, relatives, cousin, aunties and uncles even friends is believed i am the one who started the fight in verbal on last June. Everyone stare on me.

    My father was shock, and everybody stand-up, and go inside my house when i throw a plastic plate infront of my father!! I know i am rude but that is the burden i carry on all this while, and the burden is being realease at that night!! After that, i took my cloths, and drive away to my cousin house staying a few day to release my tension, while my father was being calms by my cousin and uncle. My mum & my sister try to stop me away from home, but i can’t because my heart has always being hurts by a man i called, father.

    I do apolojize to him. Everything is ok and he said, the past is past…since last June until today (this year), my father has change and he nere instructed me or directed me in what he want. Even when we were talking about relationship, he never saying bad on western guys instead of he advised me, doesn’t matter who is your future husband except that religion.. you can marry him or staying in which country.

    Oh, thanks Gods! If my father mindset has change 3 year ago,i guest i may not know this site, meeting you Bill, and Christine and the others? There is always a good thing will happen behind the sad story huh!! I will miss all these knowledgable posts that we women cannot be found anywhere except originally through men hand writing. Taking example on me who is less experience in dating, relationship and any kind of matters between men and women, where do i get it? If there is other web provided such post like Bill have, i dont think they can manage how bill do and treating all women who come across this site like his friends and the credit goes to Bill..Lol!

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