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10 Reasons He Wants To Be “Just Friends”
Lindz & Bill present 10 Reasons He Wants To Be “Just Friends”
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Every once in a while, a gal will meet a guy that she knows likes her as a person as well as romantically, however, he refuses to make it happen. He refuses to take that extra step to start something up between them and see how it goes. This is when a gal finds herself trapped in the dreaded Friends Zone!!! :O
As usual, it’s Lindz & Bill to the rescue, with ten reasons why you might be receiving this kind of treatment. Let us know what you think in the comments section, below…
Lindz
1. He Wants to Keep His Options Open
Ladies, he would never put himself on a diet just in case he got hungry and wanted a cheeseburger and fries. The same with this situation. Tying himself down to you or any one person at all completely eliminates all the rest of the girls out there and to be honest, there are many fish in the sea. Many FINE fish in the sea that are looking for the perfect King Salmon or King Crab to go home with.
2. He’d Rather Hang Out With His Guy Friends Than Be Obligated To You
By not dating you or any other woman, he has the right to say, “No I don’t want to go to your sister’s Bat Mitzvah with you. I’d rather stay home and play Fantasy Football. Really it doesn’t matter what he is doing because if he’s not tied down to you, he has no obligation. Guys are lazy and they don’t like to commit. Maybe one night he would rather sit at home and watch porn than go to your Mom’s 60th birthday with you. Can you blame him?
3. The Holidays Are Coming Up And He’s Broke.
Having a significant other generally means that you have to get them a gift for their birthday, Christmas, Valentine’s Day. If he’s broke and legitimately cannot afford a gift for you, he may hold off on the boyfriend/girlfriend status because not getting you a gift will make him seem cheap and embarassing, and he would rather be single than be called cheap.
4. You’re Way Hotter Than Him and He’s Insecure That You’ll Leave Him
Guys really do think that way. He would rather not date you than date you and be dumped by you. Because then he would be that douchebag that got dumped by the hot girl. And it would hurt his self esteem and image for longer than you would probably be dating. He’s gotta look out for himself in this situation. That’s why you see so many good looking guys with not so good looking girls. They are confident that she’ll stick around. It’s hard being hot. I know…
5. You’re Damaged Goods (Bros Before Hoes)
Well you brought this upon yourself, what can I say? If you’re trying to hook up with a guy or date him, DO NOT.. I repeat.. DO NOT hook up, date, sleep around, flirt, text, his friends. Contrary to what you may think, guys DO talk and they will talk about that girl (YOU) who is trying to play them like they were born yesterday. So be wise and most importantly, choose wisely. One stupid drunken hook up could curse your future forever.
You’re damaged goods (Bros before Hoes)
Bill
6. He Doesn’t Want To Hit It
He thinks you’re fantastic as a person and all that, but he just doesn’t see having sex with you as being a good time. This might be because he’s not physically turned on by your body or he’s not mentally aroused by your mentality or your way of being. You might be too kinky for him or not kinky enough.. too chunky or too skinny, too prudish or too horny, you might have too much junk in the trunk or not enough bounce to the ounce! HAHA Who Knows? :D
7. You Can’t Handle It
“I’ve seen the future! I can’t afford it!” Sometimes, it becomes apparent that getting out is going to be tougher than getting in. Being that he has ZERO intentions of having sex with only you for the rest of his life, as much as he’d love to hook up with you, it’s ultimately more trouble than it’s worth. He’ll just have to be content to fantasize about it and keep it movin’! :D
8. HE Can’t Handle It
A brotha stands to potentially lose some Cool Points if he hooks up with a chick that’s TOO FOYINE and then all that “King Of My Castle” trash he’s been talking about women for YEARS suddenly evaporates into thin air. He might have to take a pass on this one in order to maintain his Social Cred.
9. Your Friendship or Business Is More Important
Keep your eyes on the prize!!! :D You don’t want to jack you career advancement because your now-ex-girlfriend doesn’t want to see your grill around the office. Bite the bullet on this one and get PizAID!!! You can pull a lot more chicks with the money you’ll be getting from this one. ;)
Also, if you expect a certain level of coolness and mental compatibility, close homegirls are hard to find. Beleedat! It’s TOTALLY not worth it to alienate a great gal because she’s sour that y’all aren’t hooking up anymore. But hey… I mean if she begs you, you might just have to do her that solid and hit her off, NAH MEEN? :D
10. You Have Lots Of Attractive Girlfriends
If he’s friends with you, you’ll introduce him to all your foyine-ass girlfriends that are always crowded around you at the parties! :D If he’s messing with you, you’re gonna hog The Kid all to yourself, and what’s the point of being SELFISH??? :D
Remember! Ain’t no fun ‘less’n your HOMEGIRLS could get some!!! :D
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71 Responses to “10 Reasons He Wants To Be “Just Friends””
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Well put you two.
Thanks, Mike! :)
Cheers! :D
This harsh but it’s true. Now I want sum other Guy now!
WOW. Interesting reading…most of this I already knew. I have the opposite issue. (Guys I am NOT AT ALL interested in wanting to be more then friends) LOL
Thanks, Pam! :D
Like you said, the dilemma you bring up is an entirely different can of worms! hahaha Glad you enjoyed! :D
Nice post,
I have seen/ been involved in situations like this before and i can honestly say that about 80% of the time it’s a combination of #10,9,7 which all come down to you bring more to the table as a friend than you would if it become something else.
Yeah, a combination of #10 and #9 is pretty tough to beat. :D
It’s no wonder that there are some fantastic women that routinely complain that they never get asked out. Besides the potential intimidation factor, they’re just too valuable as contacts to take chances with.
What does that mean too valuable as contacts to take chances?
Hey Elle. :)
Let’s put it this way.. If a chick is hawt and she’s a burger-flipper, there’s no business value to her unless you’re currently unemployed and looking to procure an application to work at McDonald’s with her. There’s nothing to think about except for whether you’re attracted to her or not and whether she’s crazy or not.
Now.. If a chick is hawt and works in the same industry you do.. Let’s say you’re a video editor and she runs her own PR firm, then you might decide to do your wallet a favor and not kick it to her so she feels comfortable giving you lots and lots of business!!! :D *CHA-CHINGGGGG!!!* :D
Socially, if she’s very popular, it’s better not to kick it to her because that way, she’ll introduce you to all her hawt friends and you end up way better off than if you would have hooked up with her and then she cockblocked the rest of her homegirls because she’s greedy.
Also, let’s say there’s something mentally unique about her that you don’t want to lose out on by messing with her. You can find attractive chicks on just about any street corner in this town (not meaning hookers, haha), but women you actually enjoy talking/listening to? Not so much. So you might just want to keep her on the cerebral list and mess around with other chicks that have less personal value to you.
So the question is whether you stay in the pocket or scramble. If you can see greater wins than having a good time physically with her, you might just want to skip it and stay on that “friends” tip even though you always feel like screwing her brains out. >:D
1)So you are a 12 trick pony and blessed me with 11 of them that first night. Yes, I wanna keep my options open. No reason to settle now… Nothing to look forward to.
2)True dat, true dat…
3)Holidays are coming and… Im not feeling you like that! Hey, Merry Christmas! Hope you get everything you wanted.
4)You are WAAAAAY hotther than me and… I GOTTA WONDER WHY YOU NOT TAKEN!!!!??? Theres a defect somewhere and Im not trying to figure it out!
5)The group slide…’nuff said!
6)Heard you complain about every dude you been with. You still the only female left on the planet that wont blo…er, “bless” your man. Plus you sound like a chipmunk… yeah, I’ll pass.
7)Truuuuuuuuuuue! To many women confuse getting d*ck with being in love…
8)Truuuuuuuuuuue! To many women confuse getting d*ck with being in love… and I cant handle you wanting more than I am offering.
9)YES!!! I done seen the light and your friends are TOO HOT for me to mess up the friendship
with you!
10)Preach Brotha’ Cammack, PREACH!!!
1) Interesting point. The only way a gal’s going to survive handing out 11 of her 12 tricks is if she’s really fantastic or interesting as a person. Looking good and doing the right thing in the sack are absolutely common traits compared to a chick actually being compelling enough to want to spend time with.
3) Yeah, that happens a lot, too. It’s not that the guy’s broke, it’s just that he knows he’s not going to be interested in her after the holiday season so he needs to get rid of her now so he can show up DOLO to all the holiday parties and scoop the Executive Secretaries making 80k at his friend’s jobs.
4) That’s true. After a while, people start to wonder why a chick who’s obviously visually a catch hasn’t been scooped up by anyone.
Having said that.. At least in Social Media circles, there are a lot of chicks that DO have boyfriends, but they hide them so they can still cash in on followers on Facebook & Twitter that think they might have a shot with them or at least want to fantasize about hooking up with them. You see it a lot with performers, that they’re urged to keep their dating lives out of the tabloids so fans aren’t turned off that they’re “taken”.
So there are some chicks that appear to be perpetually single, even though they’re attractive, successful, witty, fun & intelligent.. and in reality, they’re doing their dirt on the regular on the DL so they can maintain their business props.
5) Yeah, it’s amazing how women don’t think about that and get around with several guys in the same group. They’re probably the same chicks that Chris Rock was talking about in his routine that are dancing their asses off at the club to “Put it in her mouth”, talkin’ ’bout “He’s Not Talking About MEEEE! :D”
6) hahahahaha Yeah.. If a chick’s skeeved out when you mention common “bedroom” occurrences, she’s not likely to get to first base, as the rest of the game’s likely to be boring and having a brotha yawning like the 7th inning stretch.
PASS!!!
9) No dIZoubt. If she’s not down to share and her friends are hawter, she might just have to remain on the sidelines way over there by the friends zone! :D
Wow…glad I found this blog, I aint mad..cuz damn it all makes sense now.
Way to keep it real though!
Everything said sounds just like this dude. He is amazing, but the sex chemistry just wasnt there, I’m not over weight but maybe he wasnt feelin my ass & thighs, too much for much him!
But damn, everything sounds just like him!
Interestingly enough, this seems to be a theme amongst my readers this week, hahaha :D
The short response is that to some guys you’re going to have too much bounce to the ounce and to some guys, you’re gonna have too little. Too skinny, Too fat, Too short, Too tall, Southern accent, Jersey accent… It’s all a shot in the dark. Don’t take it personally. Everybody wasn’t meant for everybody.
On top of that, maybe he was just having an off day or he hooked up with some other chick just before you arrived and didn’t have anything left. \o/
These things happen. I’m sure guys will be catcalling you sooner than you know, and then this episode will be past history! ;)
[...] about it a couple of times by the chicks I was ignoring, I decided to go the speak to, but “just friends” route. Of course, once the relationship was over between her and my friend (which it always was, [...]
4) saved my day, because I just didn’t get why this guy is staring at me, flirting and all, but after our first date he just lost a tremendous amount of weight, got a new wardrobe, but didn’t ask me out for a second one, but still kept texting me. So I did ask him out and nothing happened. I was like WTF?! But now I guess, I think that he thinks I’m too hot for him…such a shame. I wouldn’t even have minded the extra-weight on him, his character is just tdf.
But because he just does not ask me out anymore, I will date another guy, who does. By coincidence this guy is really hot…so now it will appear that I’m shallow and superficial, but the other guy should have just asked me out on a second/thrid date. Such is life.
Hey Mia. :)
Sometimes, guys get lucky, not in the sexual sense, but meaning that we find ourselves hanging out with women that we already know we’re not going to be able to maintain a higher level of relationship to.
In a circumstance like you’re describing, it sounds like an attempt to become the type of person that he thinks YOU think would be worth dating. “She wouldn’t date me because I’m fat”. “She wouldn’t date me because I don’t dress well”. “She wouldn’t date me because I don’t make enough money or have a nice enough apartment”…
I think you’re absolutely right that a lot of guys cheat themselves out of good relationships to women because they’re not properly seeing what they’re bringing to the table, including, as you mentioned, personality or character that makes them worth spending time with over a dude that looks better, has more money, and happens to be a JERK. :D
My ex said we should see other people before he left for the summer. His reasons were vague. When he was gone, he was in constant contact. When he came back, he was messaging every day and some nights we’d talk for 2 or 3 hours. We were at the same festival one night, he introduced me to his best friends, hung around for a while, then talked to two girls the rest of the night. His friend rolled his eyes at what he was doing. So I ignored him and then when leaving just said bye! He started messaging me after I left but I didn’t respond because I was asleep by the time I got them. THe next day, he said he thought it was too early to be hanging out (been over 2 months). I told him he was right, agreed with it, and said I need to move on without talking with him. He was upset that I didn’t want to stay friends. I told him i’d be jealous if he found someone soon and friends aren’t like that. He sent me a message 2 weeks later saying, times up… we are friends. Hi how’s it going? I said.. hi, i’m really busy. I have to go. I like him… but i don’t want to put up with back and forth stuff. I know he’s not seeing anyone else. He wanted this. We talked all the time. And I miss him
“We should see other people” means “I’m about to hook up with chicks, so you can do whatever you want over the summer”.
If he’s leaving for the summer, he’s not going to have physical contact with you, and he IS going to have physical contact with new chicks wherever he’s going.
It’s a nice way of saying “Don’t bother being faithful to our ‘relationship’ while I’m gone” so you don’t waste your time if he comes back after the summer with a new girlfriend or just plain disinterested in the relationship he used to have with you.
It’s nice that he still wanted to be friends with you even though he wasn’t physically interested in you anymore. That’s not a situation that a lot of women enjoy, realizing that a guy elected not to be physical with them anymore. I understand why you blew him off.
You miss him because what you actually want isn’t congruent with what you did.
I’ve known this guy for over 30yrs and when we were younger we had a crush on each other but didn’t know it and he was my brother’s best friend. (brother wouldn’t have it) 3yrs ago I found him and we’ve hooked up several times. Unfortunately there is 2k miles between us. He’s been married/divorced 3x’s. He’s blaimed himself for his failed marriages but there are 2 sides to the story. We have a great connection mentally/physically and he’s been very honest with me. I’ve asked why he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me and he says he values our friendship and wouldn’t want to jeapordize it. He’s also said that if I feel that being friends w/benefits is too much for me just say so.(2x’s yr) He says I have everything he’s looking for in a woman but he doesn’t know why he doesn’t want to be committed to me, he’ll know it when he feels it. He wants someone that’s perfect for him. LOL Personally I think he’s confused but I just can’t help but wonder what’s wrong with me or is it he doesn’t want to fail with me. We talk about everything, including my dates. LOL We consider each other best friends…
Thanks for the comment, Dee. :)
Obviously, dude isn’t too valid a critic about “someone that’s perfect for him” if he’s been divorced three times.
First of all, living 2,000 miles from each other and hooking up twice a year isn’t going to make you his best girlfriend, regardless.. meaning you’re not going to be the front-runner for a relationship.
Second, if he actually does like your personality (which it sounds like he does), it really *IS* more important for him to retain you as a friend than to hook up with you. Guys with above-average looks can always find girls that want to lay down with them, but the problem is that their personalities and mentalities often SUCK.
Once you go through that enough times, you elect not to put the girls that you really like through the wringer. It’s better to screw other chicks and keep them as friends because that way you always have consistent, good female friendship in your life, which is hard to find when the only reason you talk to chicks is so you can have sex with them.
So what you’re saying makes perfect sense. It’s better for him to get his physical recreation from other chicks he doesn’t care about and maintain his friendship with you indefinitely.
Hey, what a good read!! Still have a question….this guy told me, he does not want a relationship, because i have a child….wow..I guess thats that then…
Hey Liz. Thanks for the comment. :)
Yeah, that’s a tough one. Some guys aren’t willing to deal with women that have ANYTHING taking up their time that they could be spending with him, including kids or a job that causes you to work 12 hours a day, even on weekends.
The money might be good, but if he wants a gal he can spend a lot of time with and go on trips with and all that, if she can’t (or doesn’t want to) stop working for a week so they can go to Mexico, there’s really no point in him getting started with her.
Another problem with the kid thing is that kids are expensive. You’re automatically taking on debt by accepting a girlfriend with a child. I think the fact that she’s not available unless she hires a sitter is more important, but some guys just look at the finances, and are like “Nah”.
woww… i figured a lot of these reasons were true… there’s ag uy i’m into, he gave me the just friends talk b/c he’s moving in 6 months… but said “if something DOES happen, cool” so.. he’s not against it? right?
and his work friends say that he talks about me and has said nothing but good things… and they say he likes me…
so. wtf is the deal???
Hey Andi. Thanks for the question. :)
It sounds to me like he doesn’t want to be a jerk and start something with you that might end abruptly six months from now, when/if he moves.
The fact that he’s leaving it open seems like he’s willing to kick it with you if you recognize there’s potentially a time limit on your interactions.
Ok so i work with this guy and i really like him and ive told him several times…well we have hooked up after work a couple of times and i thought he liked me but when i asked him he said that we should just be friends and that he doesnt know if he likes me like that… but how can you ask someone to hang with you all the time(just us) and not know if you like her… when there never anything sexual going on…. so confused…. plz help
Hey Key Key. :)
The reason a guy asks a gal to hang out with him all the time, solo, and doesn’t know if he “likes her” is that he’s not TRYING to like you. He’s trying to have sex with you.
He would definitely know if he likes you by now. He would know if he likes you as a person and he would know if he likes you romantically and he would know if he likes you ENOUGH to get into an exclusive relationship with you.
It seems like you’re looking for a boyfriend/girlfriend situation while he’s just stalling to see if he can wait you out long enough until you’ll give it up. Either way, it seems like he’s gonna bounce as soon as you a) give him some, or b) tell him you’re not going to hook up with him until he announces (probably lying) that you’re his girlfriend.
I was dating a guy for about a month, we talked everyday and he seemed really into me as he would call everyday and do all the right things. We never slept together, he seemed to be more of the “girl” as he just wanted to sleep over and cuddle. He recently just called me to say that he just wants to be friends and thinks I am amazing in every way but just doesn’t see a future. I told him I had enough friends and said take care. He asked to see me as he said he really wants me in his life as a friend so I agreed to be friends. He has been texting me and calling me more then ever (evrey day) and if I don’t reply he calls me and says “why haven’t you replied”. I’m not sure what games this guy is playing as I would have liked to have him as a friend but he is acting super weird and not like a friend. He has asked me to go out several times but I just say I am busy as he is kind of scaring me. What does this mean??
Hey Sara. :)
That *IS* a strange situation you’re talking about. Perhaps he met a new girl after he had already started kickin’ it with you, and he wants to keep you in reserve while he sees where his new relationship goes.
Maybe he already had a girlfriend before he started talking to you, but she wasn’t giving him any at the time, and he was waiting it out to see whether she came around before fully hooking up with you.
I do find it interesting that you told him you had enough friends and then decided to be friends with him anyway.
Hey there! I really liked that this post was blunt and not sugar coated for us to read! I have heard or been in situations like these. I am currently in a situation where I met this guy thru my brother and he automatically started to flirt with me, Later down, as a joke, he claimed that my brother was his bro-in-law etc. We talked about relationships in general (not us) and how I like things to be laid out for me and no bullcrap. I am 25 and don’t need my time wasted so I was thinking we either have fun or don’t lead me on. After that, he was being so sweet to me and even impressed my girlfriends with how attentive he was with me when we went to go visit him at his job. Eventually, he calls me out on some Facebook post I had and He talked us up saying that he needs to get on his feet an blah blah blah but has confidence in us. Idkwtf he means. One night I got pissed because I found out thru my brother that he still talks to other girls (fine but dont talk that ish in my ear and try to play me especially infront of my blood) I decided to talk to him about it and he pulled the EFFIN “friend” card bs! Said that all we ever talked about was us being “good friends.” Even tho he did that, he hits my brother up all mad at him and saying he messed things up between us!! Ok WTF? Heres the thing, besides all this “misinterpretation” I do genuinely care about him because he is a great guy and he has so much that I would want from a man.. Now he always wants me to come over and spend time with him or he’ll tell me about all these places he wants to take me to. We haven’t hooked up and he has respected me 100% but makes it known he is attracted to me. Whew ok that’s all. Lol. What do you think?!
Lol sorry I had to add one more!! He just texted me with “send me pictures of your day.” I send him one of me at work (just of my big ass head lol) and he say “damn, your hella beautiful” see!!!! Gggrrrrrrr!!!!!
Ok shoot. One more.. Sorry I’m blowing up your page!! Haha.. He also has said he doesn’t believe in relationships or marriage. Red Flag. But why the heck is he willing to jeopardize his friendship with me and let alone my brother (they are really good friends) if he is going about everything that contradicts what he preaches and lead me on?
Hey Mona. :)
Interesting situation, yet typical.
Dude’s just staying in the pocket.
The longer he remains “friends” with you, the more opportunities he’s going to have for you to decide to give him some.
Meanwhile, he kicks it with the other chicks that your brother ratted him out about until you finally come around and get down with the program.
Not believing in relationships basically means that he already knows he doesn’t have to promise women anything for them to have sex with him, so there’s no point in calling anything a “relationship”. If you’re interested, we can do this. If you’re not interested, I’ll label you “friend” until you change your mind.
Basically.. Guys that are looking for ONE girlfriend can find one relatively quickly if they can pull girls at all. If dude already has several chicks and you’re one of them, there’s a reason that he hasn’t selected one of y’all and booted the rest.. It’s because he doesn’t have to, and the more, the merrier.
Hi Cammack,
Your posting were all very interesting. I have a question, I met a friend about 6 years ago and I always had a crush on him, but because he’s a Oral Surgeon I thought he didn’t think that highly of me. We started talking and going out to dinner (a lot) it’s been a year now since we’ve been on and off and today he told me he loves his single status and than asked me if I was mad.
I pretended as if that didn’t bother me at all, but I feel this guy gives me lots of mix signals. Every time we are together is as if it’s only us in that restaurant. We did get intimate once, like a year ago. I’m not sure what to think, and our mutual friend who is also an Oral Surgeon doesn’t know we talk behind his back nor that we communicate.
Did I mentioned that I’m still living with my ex-boyfriend, until my lease is up.
I’m not sure what to think?? Help! I am a very hot latina, and he is always amazed by how i look when he see’s me.
Hey Jackie. :)
I didn’t know oral surgeons had higher standards for women than anyone else. :P
He’s not “single”. He’s dating you and every other woman he goes out with.
He merely hasn’t committed to any of y’all, because he hasn’t found a reason to have to make a decision yet.
Basically, the problem here is that you’re trying to make more of the situation than it actually is.
If he hit it a year ago and hasn’t pressured you for sex since then, he already has other chicks to hook up with, so it’s no problem for him to go to dinner with you or tell you you look good or flirt with you because his life’s going to be the same, regardless.
I doubt that your living with an ex has anything to do with anything, unless dude thinks you’re still hooking up with your ex.
I dont know, he left me 2 months ago, I did NC because he was treating me like shit after the break up, he was being a dick on purpose, using me for sex, but i stopped, since I wanted a relationship. This is the second time hes left, because we argued about stupid little things, I def think its either the first or second one, he told me one time that “I like hanging out with my friends more than you” Still, hes overweight, hasnt gone to school 3 years, and is NOW saving for school, doesnt have a car, and spends his money on clothes, and alc since he parties every weekend.
Well, Ash.. It sounds like he’s doing whatever he wants to do, and was probably doing that while you were dating him.
You’re better off back on the dating scene with a new education on how some relationships turn out, so hopefully you’ll have better luck next time! :D
I’m in need of a male perspective.
I’ve had a “relationship” with a guy who’s 6 yrs younger than me on and off for about 3 yrs.
Yes he had a GF when we hooked up. Yes I suck. I was the first person he called when they broke up. Whatever.
Anyway, we’ve been hanging out and it’s fun and great and I told him we shouldn’t have sex anymore because I can’t handle it (i have “feelings” for him) but he’s moving across the country and why not one last time?!
Well he say’s he’s enjoying just being friends with me and it makes simpler and more manageable for him when we’re not hooking up.
What the hell.
That’s very interesting, Belise. :) Thanks for sharing that.
I’ve had women tell me that too, and it’s pretty much like an “off” switch.
Essentially, you said to him that you’re having such a good time with him that you can’t stand to have a good time with him, which entirely, completely sucks, and doesn’t make any sense to guys.
Once you do that, it’s possible that the guy will physically shut off to you, entirely. It’ll go one of two ways.. He’ll either want to screw you even more, or he’ll lose all interest in hittin’ it at all.
Once he’s not interested in having sex with you, there isn’t much you can do about it. Hooking up one last time would be to YOUR benefit, not his, so why should he bother? \o/
I’m not saying you did anything “wrong” or atypical. It’s really common what you did, and, like I said, I’ve had it happen to me.
Women just have to realize that y’all add a bunch of extra thought into sex that men in general don’t add, think about, or care about. Y’all think it’s cool to say “I’ll have sex with you now, I won’t have sex with you now”, but you’re taking your chances that dude won’t be interested in pursuing an on-and-off sexual relationship with you, and it’s easier to play you to the left as a so-called “platonic friend” so we don’t have to wonder whether we should be in hookup mode or not when we spend time with you.
This was a very good read, Bill – nice work! My problem with putting girls into the Friend Zone is quite simple: #2 & #8. I’m 22-years-old and love my time with my buddies, having a girl jump into the mix and possibly take away any of that time kills me. (True story: had some friends over for a big-time Celtics playoff game with beers, food, the works… this gal I was seeing came over later with the movie “Enchanted,” in case “we all wanted to watch it later.” I couldn’t get rid of her quick enough.) To my friends, I’m known as the “King Of My Castle” and it’s understood that I don’t allow women to interfere with my routines – I can’t shake the pride of that. Thanks for the awesome article and look forward to reading your other stuff!
Thanks for the props, Clint. :)
That’s something you’re going to have to figure out for yourself.. what role women *ACTUALLY* play in your life.
I was watching this film earlier and this dude was married to this chick and they were sitting around the table having a family dinner, and this chick was straight WILDIN’!!! :D I mean she was screaming at him and talking all kinds of trash and scolding him like he was her young son or something, and I was like “I understand that this is a movie, and it’s scripted, but if a chick ever talked 1/80th of that garbage to me, she’d get ejected immediately if not sooner. >:D”
If you disagree with me, say so, and we’ll discuss it like grown-ass people. If you want to be a jerk, you can be a jerk by yourself or with some other guy. Beat it. Kick Rocks.
Same thing with bringing over movies. If you know I’m already chillin’, play your position and you’ll be invited to the party *IF* I invite you to the party. If you DON’T know I’m chillin’ and you find out when you arrive uninvited, then play your position (if you can) and enjoy what we’re enjoying until the plan changes (if it ever does).
That’s the deal, and she can take it or leave it. If she’s one of those chicks that gets her kicks from telling dudes what to do, there are lots of guys that are into that, and good luck to her in her new relationship.
But yeah.. Overall, it all comes down to what you’re looking for in your interaction with women and being authentic with them as far as what you’re offering and what you’re willing to stand for.
Lots of women believe that getting the “girlfriend” title gives them at least 50% say in the relationship. If that’s not on the table, let her know from the giddyap so she can either get down with the program or bounce.
Cheers! :D
[...] is another one of those dating titles that are absolutely meaningless, like “Just Friends”, “Friends With Benefits (FWB)”, “Girlfriend”, “Boyfriend”, [...]
Hi! I am so glad I found this site…
So a guy I work with who is 28 (I am 24) has been hanging out with me literally every night for two months. I’ve tried to distance myself from him in an effort to keep up my defenses, but he ALWAYS calls me if I don’t contact him and asks me to come over. I am coming out of a 3 year relationship/engagement that ended 9 months ago and he just recently admitted that he has come out of a 7-8 year off and on relationship that also ended 9 months ago. Neither one of us told the other until he finally, two WHOLE MONTHS into our friendship/dating/thing felt ready to disclose his past and the fact that he has cheated on a lot of his girlfriends. It felt like it took him the whole two months to build up the courage to tell me about his exes and his cheating behaviors… He then seemed very surprised when I told him of my engagement, etc.
He has not tried to make any physical advances but always makes sure he is sitting next to me, touching my leg with his leg, brushes my knee with his hand, sometimes brushes my arm or my lower back with his hand, etc. One night of drinking with friends where both of us were sober he texted me and told me he was glad I came out and that I looked sexy. The problem is that the next night he will be very distant and not sit as close to me, not walk me to the door, etc. It’s like a light switch where sometimes he wants to kiss me and sometimes he is indifferent to my leaving.
I know in normal circumstances I’d take these touches, etc. as an invitation to turn around and make out with him, but I am so confused by his hot and cold behavior that I don’t have a clue as to what he wants from me!
I would say don’t focus on what he wants from you. Focus on what you want from him.
Then figure out a way to get it.
I’m also not sure why he would tell you about his cheating ways. It seems to me it’s one of those traps that comes back to ensnare you. “I TOLD you I was always a cheat, from the very beginning”. You KNEW, yet you chose to date me.
Win for him, lose for you.
I dunno. You will probably get more out of him if you keep him in the friend zone. He can never cheat on you that way. According to Bill, men seem to hate being in that zone. Win for you! (In other words, he is exhibiting douche behavior.) Who needs that?
First of all, I agree with Kay… Focus on what YOU want and then figure out whether you can get that from him or not.
He doesn’t seem to be the type of person to really make moves whether he actually wants something or not, so you can save yourself a lot of thinking by figuring out a plan of action for yourself and then implementing it.
The telling about cheating may be his way of working up to asking you to hook up with him.
It also seems like an escape hatch, like Kay said, where he can say “Yeah, you caught me messing with some other chick, but I told you so! :D”
If what you decide is that you don’t feel like having sex with him, “Friend” him, like Kay said. If you decide you want to hook up with him, know that he may have no intention of being “faithful” to you.
One of the things about situations like yours is that you have to first understand what other types of women he’s around. He could be stalling because he likes you more than the other chicks and he doesn’t want to hit it & quit it… OTOH, he could be stalling because he already has sex available to him, so there isn’t any need for him to press up on you to get laid.
“I’ve tried to distance myself from him in an effort to keep up my defenses” means that you want to give him some, but for some reason, you’re stopping yourself. If you really didn’t want to hook up with him, you wouldn’t keep hanging out with him when he contacts you.
I think the first thing to do is figure out if you’ll be able to maintain your friendship with him if you hook up with him. After that, decide which is more important.. your friendship with him or hooking up with a guy that you’re attracted to.
Of course, if you want to know what time it is with him, you could always go “Say… Why don’t we go out on a date this Friday? o_O” and see what he says.
I met a guy through a group of friends about seven months ago. We became friends, but we only hung out when the group got together. It wasn’t until about 7 weeks ago that we began to hang out with each other outside of the group and began to date 5 weeks ago. He was affectionate, but not overly, which I liked. Those who saw us together said that he was very much into me. I know I enjoyed his company and I felt he enjoyed mine. We had things in common; basically things seemed to be going well (our friends recognized this too). We did not sleep together, but he did try, so there was attraction and he never pushed the matter. Then, one night he did a quick flip of attitude on me and when I say quick I mean within 20 minutes. Almost as if he had an epiphany about whatever. He went from hugging and kissing me before I went to shower to almost cold when I got out. I found it very strange. He stayed on the edge of one side of the bed all night while I stayed on the other; no cuddling, which he usually did. For a minute I thought maybe he was rummaging around in my room or looking through my phone and found something he didn’t like, but for the life of me, I could not think of anything that would be incriminating or off putting to him.
The next morning, when I was waking for work he began to cuddle with me. It was strange so I thought ok, I am reading too much into what happened. He hugged and kissed me and left. I didn’t hear from him for a few days, so I sent him a text, nothing big, just telling him the about a game I was watching and who won. He texted back but it was strange and I could go on, but the gist is, a few days ago we had lunch and after when he was about to leave I asked him if he was feeling weird around me, he said no but thought it best if we not continue on and just stay friends. He said he would be traveling too much for work and would be exhausted. That it wouldn’t be fair to either of us to starting getting too into this. Of course had I not asked him, he would never have told me and most likely would have just cut ties.
I guess my concern is why the sudden flip? What could cause it so suddenly? If he was thinking about it previously, he should no signs that I recognized; that he was having a change of heart.
Interesting scenario, Cate. :)
The first thing that came to my mind also was that he rummaged through your stuff.
The ‘problem’ I have with your story is “We did not sleep together, but he did try.”
If he tried, what happened? o_O .. Assuming you’re a grown-ass woman, that means you rejected his sexual advances. I have no idea why women think that men are going to continue treating y’all the same way after a situation like that (assuming that’s what happened).
If that’s the case, then AS. SOON. AS. the next gal decides she wants to give him some, you automatically start losing position.. QUICKLY.
So, another theory is that while you were in the shower, he was talking/texting with another chick that amped up her relationship to him, causing him to sexually focus on her and not on you, since she obviously wants to get it on and you obviously don’t (again, assuming you vetoed the situation).
But yeah, we can assume SOMETHING happened, because he switched gears so quickly.
It could be anything, though.. Y’all met each other through a group of friends. He might have been told that one of the other group members hit it and he’s not interested anymore. \o/ He might have heard you were a stalker after you give it up. It really could be anything.
The important point is what you mentioned.. He used to be interested, and now he’s backing off. Unless you have mutual friends that can give you insight to his personality (without snitching on you that you were asking about him, hahaha), your best bet is to have a direct talk with him and ask him why he changed his mind.
As someone who claims he still wants to be your friend, he should tell you so you can gain closure in this situation.
Good Luck! :D
Well I met a guy on a datin site 3mnths ago we talked txted frequently and when I finally told him I like him he was like am seeing someone but it’s not Official what’s that suppose to mean? Then he was like let’s be good friends though. Good friends? nvr got bak to him with an answer Am confused.
It means exactly what it sounds like He’s dating a girl and hooking up with her but he is not committed. So now that you have shown interest he wants to hookup with you to.
Exactly.
[...] he says stuff like “It would ruin our friendship”, which actually means “It would ruin our friendship if I told you there’s no way in [...]
Hey,
Need some advice. I met a man about 4 months ago, in a gathering, the first time we talked we were alone, and he stated that he wants to love someone and was ready for a relationship.
We are both in our early 50′s. I too would like to be in a relationship as well. Fast forwarding… he’s never asked me out, nor has asked me for my #, we only talk when we see each other which is not too often.
I think we both sense an attraction, he’s really reserved and very quiet, and extremly shy.
He does not like it when my eyes wonder or ask about his friends which he has never introduced me to them.
I have had friends tell me to make the first move but I’m afraid he may not want that from me. I did tell him in the beginning that I was hurt before in a previous relationship and wanted to take things slow in my next relationship.. you know to get to know the person first, that I wanted to do things “the right way” this time around.
He always sits with me, we can probalby talk all night if given an opporunity at times I wish he would open up and relax.
I really like him, but at times I just want to give up and just be a friend. I miss him and wish I could get to know him better. He seems like a nice guy, very respectable I think about him all the time. I try not to get my hopes up high just in case.
One time he hugged me an it felt as if he poured peace into my soul, all the negative thoughts, and feelings were gone. I felt so reassured.
I’m so confused.
hmm.. Interesting situation, Angeka.
What you need to do is not necessarily make the first move, but you need to present him with opportunities to ask you out.
For instance, tell him that you’d like to go to X museum to see Y exhibit on Saturday afternoon, but you don’t have anyone to go with.
That’s his opportunity to ask you if you’d like for him to accompany you, and the ball has started rolling…
I met a guy through one of my friends and we instantly hit it off. I would go over to my friends place ( they all live in a studio) and we would flirt with each other non stop. My friend warned me that he was a player and I was okay with that. One night we went for a walk and ended up hooking up and talking about life. These hook up sessions went on for about two weeks, but i made it clear we would not have sex to which he said “that’s a grey area, usually girls say that and end up doing it anyway”. We continued to hookup and he did not pressure me to have sex because he said he understood. He told me he had three girls who he could potentially be exclusive with if any one of them said they wanted to. I was okay with that because this was a casual friendship. A few days later he told me neither of those 3 girls were interested and they just wanted to be friends with him. Then one day when we were just hanging out he said he didnt think we should hook up /kiss everytime we see each other anymore and when I asked why he told me about how he has messed up a lot of relationships and doesnt want to just objectify me because he is actually starting to care alot about me, and can see us potentially dating in the future. He really stressed the fact that he liked me a lot physically and mentally but wanted to get to know me better and not just focus time on hooking up for now. He also said he didnt want us to be on different levels, where one could end up getting hurt. I’m just confused on why the sudden change of behavior, what’s wrong with a little kiss or hooking up sometimes? We have hung out a lot after this convo because he says he likes my company and he always texts me to come over, but we dont kiss or cuddle like we used to.
Everytime we hang out I can tell that he is really trying hard to resist kissing me, and when we hug we linger on for a few moments. I’m just confused on why he changed his attitude, and if he actually meant what he said about why he’s doing this.
Hey Student111. :)
He’s right about “That’s a grey area. Usually girls say that and end up doing it anyway”.
Women think they can dictate what’s going to happen during an evening BEFORE they start feeling horny and want to get laid, and as soon as that happens, all bets are off, and they do what comes naturally.
hmm… I think I need to write a new blog post “What’s Wrong With A Kiss?”. :D
The fact of the matter is that most of the time, dudes are kissing chicks because it’s a precursor to having sex with them.
If you’re not going to hit it, there’s no point in making out with her.
If you have several other chicks that are grown-ass women and will have sex with you whenever they feel like it, there’s no point in playing high school games with a chick that insists on frontin’ on the Jimmy.
So.. In fact.. It’s better for him to enjoy your company mentally without enjoying it physically. You’ve said several times that you’re not interested in having sex with him, which isn’t acceptable to a grown-ass man, so it doesn’t make sense for him to keep making out with you when he could do the same thing with a chick that’s going to keep the program going and finish off the situation properly.
I’m sure he’s resisting kissing you, however, you’re resisting ******* him. o_O
It’s a drag when you KNOW DAMNED WELL that the chick in front of you wants to give you some, but she’s decided that she’s not going to do that. It’s better to just keep your mouth off of her entirely, instead of keeping getting to the point where you want to hit it so she can front again.
It seems to me that you should enjoy your cerebral relationship with him and let him get his physical things on with women that he knows are going to be fully physically involved with him.
At work I met a guy. We hung out several times and finally I told him I was interested in him in a quick comment. He said he wanted to actually talk about it and said he would like to see where this went. We kissed good-bye and nothing else ever happened. A few days later everything still seemed cool, but then he said he just “wasn’t feeling it” and he wanted to be just friends.
Now the strangest part to me is we are even closer than before. We hang out often, we have Friday night game nights with my kids and he is just great with them. Everyone thinks we are dating and he tells me he doesn’t care if everyone thinks we are dating. We are going on a mini road trip vacation over Christmas break and he’s super excited, as am I, and my kids. He tells me all the time how amazing he thinks I am and how much he enjoys hanging out with me…
I still continue to date (as I’m sure he is but just doesn’t tell me) but nothing ever happens between us and I don’t get how he can enjoy to spend time with me so much but not be attracted to me. I feel like I need to cut him off altogether because I need to be able to fully move on but it’s hard when my heart is getting wrapped up in someone who doesn’t want to be with me??? Why does he continue to spend so much time with me if he wants nothing to do with me??
Interesting situation, Laura.
What does “moving on” mean to you?
Apparently, he hasn’t explained to you why he’s disinterested in hooking up with you. That might be your opportunity to change the dynamic of the relationship.
If he doesn’t tell you why he doesn’t want to mess with you, that’s grounds for dismissal, as he’s not being authentic with you. If he does tell you, and it’s something one or both of you can fix, then you can try to make it happen with this guy.
Thank you for creating this website =) You’re awesome!
I have a bit of a dilemma.
There’s this guy who I’ve been friends with since high school. We never really dated, although we went to prom together. We were definitely attracted to each other but were too damn shy to do anything about it.
After high school we’ve only hung out maybe twice a year, like during the holidays/summer, since we went to colleges in different states. Right now, he’s working in a city and I’m in grad school in a different state (I’m 22 now).
Everytime we hang out, he always treats me like a gentleman. Picks me up, and pays for our dinners. However, he’s never tried to make a move on me. He also made an interesting comment, “You’re the type of girl that guys want to marry but not necessarily date.”
What the heck? Also, don’t think I’m gorgeous or anything but I am attractive to some people, and he’s made comments about my being attractive. So I don’t think it’s the fact that he’s repulsed by me physically…
He’s back in town for the Thanksgiving break and just texted me today about wanting to hang out tomorrow. However, I gained a few pounds since the last time he saw me so I made up an excuse that I might be busy. Totally lame on my part, I know. He said, “Can’t you make an exception for an old bud?”
Is he attracted in me? We’re both single, so I can rule out his having a gf. Why is he sending me these weird signals that I can’t read ahh.
Hey Amy. :) Thank you for the compliment. :)
Apologies for my getting to this several months after you wrote it.
I only even saw this just now because I was returning to the page to answer a new question and scrolled up.
Although this opinion may be waaaaaay too late, here it is anyway. :)
The dating game is tough for guys that actually want to end up with one chick. You don’t want to send yourself down the wrong path by doing something you really feel like doing.
OTOH, if you’re dating recreationally, and you’re in it for whatever you can get, you can do whatever you want with women, and if they like it, good, and if they don’t like it and they bounce, who cares? \o/
So, the thing is that obviously, this dude likes you as a person.. He’s probably attracted to you as a woman as well, but he likes you as a human being. Guys can’t say that for all gals (and vice versa).
So what sometimes happens, which can be described as “You’re the type of girl that guys want to marry but not necessarily date”, is that there’s an at-home feeling with you that makes him want to spend time with you and show you a good time and be nice and courteous towards you, but hooking up with you isn’t worth it, because if you don’t like it and you bounce, there’s going to be something actually important missing in his life.
I’m not saying that’s what your friend is thinking, just mentioning a general possibility.
I don’t “date”, but I have to make decisions when I meet women, what path I’m placing them on.
If I think they might be around long-term, and I have a lot in common with them, and like and respect them as human beings, it’s not going to be likely that I press up on them or even bring up the topic of sex.
That’s because if you talk about it, you might have to BE ABOUT IT, and I might move in a direction that I normally wouldn’t have, with this particular chick.
If she presses up on me, that’s a different issue. If I’m feelin’ her, I’ll get with the program, but I won’t personally initiate it if I haven’t decided whether she’s going to be long-term or not.
Of course there are situations where I can’t be bothered to think about stuff like that, and all bets are off! >:D
So, my guess in your situation is that you’re such a nice person (or, at least he perceives you to be) that he feels like when he’s done with playing the field, he’d love to “settle down” with someone like you.
Or, to put it another way.. While he’s still randomly dating, he’s not willing to have you as ONE of his girlfriends, because that’s not your idea of a good time, and he’s trying to do what he feels is in your best interests.
About the weight thing, what you’re saying is typical of women, but sometimes, at least with women we actually like as people, we’d rather spend time with you when you’re slightly out of shape than not spend time with you at all.
You always want to put your best foot forward as far as your looks and fitness when you’re dating, but if he’s feelin’ you the way it seems, he’d much rather see you than not. :)
One more thing I forgot to add, sorry I’m like blowing up your page!
The last time we hung out, I told him how I had a crush on him in high school. His response? “I know.”
Sigh….
[...] for “sexual”, and he says that it wasn’t, and that they’ve been “Just Friends” for the past 13 [...]
I just want to add how much I LOVE your blog!!! I need your advice!! I very recently ‘agreed’ (for lack of a better explanation of my stupidity) to be in a friends with benefits relationship. The guy I got involved with is a very valued friend who I talk with about any and everything in detail. He is seeing someone in another state (he portrays it as serious to some and not so much to others which is also hard to figure out- I guess it keeps him from looking stupid for flying across the country to get some 3 or 4 times a year) and it was very clear that this would be nothing but a physical thing between friends. In my mind fwb’s call, hook up, leave….but that wasn’t how this went down. He texted and emailed all day and evening every day of is own accord (and I did not text or email him first). Time was drawing near for him to visit his ‘sweetie’ and I was talking to him at work in his office and he gave me a really yummy hug and even a little ‘peck’ before I left – then suddenly dropped the communication completely. I Didn’t hear from him for 2 1/2 days until I emailed him first. It was when I missed hearing from him that I realized I ‘could’ care more for him than I thought I would and I would have no control over it and it completely upset me. I think he realized the same thing (though he would never ever admit it in this life time) and that’s why he withdrew so suddenly. That and maybe a little bit of guilt if a guy like this can even feel guilt. I told him his own feelings, thoughts and actions freaked him out too…when I dont return his calls, he gets real upset. We discussed it at length before hand – especially the part about how we were worried it would hurt our friendship but we ‘did it any way’ – we both went into it with eyes wide open….or so we thought. Anyhow, he visited ‘her’ and the day after he got back the emails and texts started again – and he said he was wondering when we were going to be able to get together again. WTF?!?!? These texts – full of innuendo – went on until the weekend and then – Poof – don’t hear from him. Is he really this big of a jerk, a player, a womanizing creep, so much so that I just fell into the same category as any other Bimbo he’s messed with over the years? BUT If his other relationship was as real as I thought it was he wouldn’t have resumed the texting stuff as soon as he got back….and she can’t be much if he started that crap 2 days after visiting her. But, I bet she thinks she is. He was just checking to see if I would still be available if he decided to hook up again, I’m sure. Do I feel stupid? Yes. Do I have regrets? No and Yes. No -I wouldn’t have missed being that much closer to him for anything in the world. (Is that confusing or what?) And the guy I thought I could talk to about any and everything and always seemed to shoot straight with me – well, his demeanor is very different – almost guarded and strained now. Now I miss him more than ever. What do you think?? I asked him if he ever considered taking it further and he just said that he might change his mind about me in the future, but for now he wants to be friends. I do feel he is being real & sincere with me and I get the feeling he knows hes a “bad” guy and he likes me enough not to hurt me…because the last time we were “together”, he jokingly told me he was too “dangerous” for me. I have seen his girlfriend and she is a zero compared to me, I am a 10!! I dont get why the ugly chick gets the title & not me. Do you think he wants to be friends and develop into something more, or what??
Hey Tiffany! :D Thanks for the props. :D
Sorry I’m replying to this way late.
Portraying a relationship differently to different people is just jockeying for position.
You don’t want to look like a sucker for being involved in a long-distance relationship, but you also don’t want to look like you have nothing going on in your “love life”, either. :)
lol @ “visit his sweetie”.. *YOU* were his sweetie at that point, and the long-distance chick was effectively the side-piece.
Interesting about the “care too much” thing. In fact, I just finished replying (late) to Amy’s comment above, talking about the same thing. Guys know that if we put it on y’all, you’re going to start caring more about the situation than we want you to. It’s natural. That’s why I was saying that sometimes you have to NOT press up on a chick in order to maintain your relationship to her.
It’s better for her to keep sweating you than for her to know how it is to be with you and want more than you’re willing to give her…
The “eyes wide open” comment is interesting also. Your eyes can only be as open as your experience dictates.
As far as his texting you after he visited her, he knew he wasn’t going to be able to screw her for another few months, so it was back to his normal life.
“Being that much closer to him” isn’t confusing at all. It’s definitely a threshold you can only cross in one direction when you hook up with someone. There’s Before and there’s After, and there’s no undoing it.
The effect on the relationship can be positive, neutral, or negative, but there’s no going back to “We never messed around”. It’s a permanent connection. It puts people in a different category in your life, so I totally understand your point. :)
I think dude wants to be FWB with you still, but he’s in some kind of jacked-up mental state. :D
People play it like women are the only ones that “Catch Feelin’s”, but that’s not true at all.
There’s no telling what the deal is without authentic communication between the two of you. You should get together with him for a heartfelt chat and ask him what he’s thinking, except pay more attention to his demeanor than his words.
Good Luck! :D
I dating someone and he said he might in love with me, and very like me. but he nit see the future together .. What is that MEAN ? I just don’t know what ti think any more..
Now I thinking that he might just play with me or he just get out of married ?
1 more thing , when I am try to get out from are date he just won’t let me go.. but when I be a stupid like feel sad of something he don’t know, and then he start to say the same thing about us, about this is not gonna work, everytime when we far awau be apart he always do like that.’ why?
Sounds like he’s playing games.
Statements like that basically mean “I’m down to hit it, but when a better chick comes along, I’m bouncing.”
Hi Bill,
I get all the reasons you evoked (in my case it’s reason 9: our friendship is more important for him). However, this person will hit on me at parties and elsewhere (telling me I’m beautiful, taking my hand, hugging me, randomly telling me he didn’t hook up with anyone when I didn’t even ask, etc), thus sending me mixed signals. By the way he’s the one who told me he liked me first; that was four months ago and this ridiculous “game” is still going on..
It’s too hard for me to see him only as a friend, and to be honest I’m not interested in being just friend with him.
So what should I do? Move on -stop seeing him completely, explaining to him that I just can’t do it anymore (“it” being “just friends”)?
Hey Emma. :)
Sounds like a responsibility issue.
Dude seems like he wants to press up, but he’s scurrred. :D
Since he’s already made a few physical moves, I think you should wait until the next time y’all are hugged up or whatever and then ask him what he wants to do.
He should either back up off of you or move forward with his physical gameplan.
You’re doing yourself a disservice by leaving everything up to him.
It’s your life too. :) Go for your enjoyment! :D
Hi Bill,
I need your advice…I am 44 and friends with a 42 yr old man that I have been friends with for the last 3 yrs. He dated a gal up until 4 months ago that was 23, she took his money and broke up with him because he couldnt buy her stuff. He text me often and we hung out alot. Finally Friday I told him that I had developed strong feelings for him (I had for a while but kept them to myself..now i couldnt do that anymore) and he said “i just cant be with anyone right now, but i want us to still be close friends. i dont have many friends and i love you so much”. NOthing physical has ever happened with us but I guess my question is, should i just blow him off with no contact? I have feelings and they are not being validated because of what he wants and that is not fair. My friend tells me that he will realize in 6 months how much I really cared. What do you think? btw he has never been married and has had 3 gfs all that he has worked with, and all turned out badly.
Interesting, Mary. Thanks for the comment. :)
Generally, guys that are 44 and date 23-year-old women aren’t interested in dating 42-year-old women, unless they’re physically comparable/competitive.
So he may be avoiding telling you he doesn’t want to have sex with you.
On the other hand, he might be telling the truth that you’re very important to him, as a woman to care about and share good times with, as opposed to someone to hook up with.
Guys are better at compartmentalizing that sort of thing.. Women you hook up with are in one group. Women you like as people are in another group. Sometimes, women are in both groups or neither, but one usually wins out over the other. If the sex side wins, that’s what happens. If the hang out side wins, that’s what happens.
You have an interesting situation, though, because you’re right that YOUR desires aren’t being validated, so you have to choose between stayin’ in the pocket and trying to convince him to hook up with you, or bouncing from the relationship, like you said.
If you bounce, he doesn’t have you as “close friends that he loves so much” anymore, so he may as well have sex with you, to get you back down with the program.
If he’s just physically not attracted to you, he’s not gonna hit it, regardless.
Nice Bill i like your website!!!! I have a major problem and need your advice desperately!!!!!!! You see i met this guy, he’s in my Spanish class and like at first i didnt really feel any “feelings” for him but i was really curious about him. Then after a month or so i started to feel diffrent about him and stuff. well i talked to him in class and it seemed like maybe he liked me. So i asked one of his best chick friends to like ask him stuff about me. When she asked him if he thought i was pretty he said,” ya, kinda” then she was like well why dont you date her, and he said,” i dont know shes, so young.” ( He is 18 and i am 15.) He says this every time she asks him!??? Diffrent people have asked him about me and he has given them all diffrent answers on whether he likes me or not. Like he said yes to someone last week, no to somone today, and he told me ( after i told him today how i felt about him, that i liked him) that he didnt know how he felt??!!! Im not sure what this means and stuff nor am i sure what i am supposed to do or how im supposed to act. Ive never had to make the first move or been rejected. So now i m extremely frusterated and dont know what to do or what he means!? Does he like me or should i just move on??
Hey Jazzmine. :) Thanks for the props and the comment.
The ‘problem’ here is that “dating” is often two different things for women and men.
Women want to spend time with someone they like and men want to have sex.
So, the problem is that in like 99% of the United States, you’re not legal for an 18-year-old to hook up with.
So, while “She’s so young” might refer to how you carry yourself as a person (which I doubt), it could also mean “I’m not trying to get in trouble.”
Things will be different for you in three years, when you become “legal”.
Until that time, you might have to stick to guys approximately your age, which is actually a pretty good deal when you’re 15! :D
I’m not being funny about this. Look it up in your state’s laws on the internet. At that age, it’s not about two people liking each other and enjoying each other’s company. It’s about the legal definition of what your state considers to be an adult.
My advice would be to keep him as a friend if you still like him as a person, and who knows?.. Maybe down the line, he’ll start liking you as a potential girlfriend.. OR (more likely), maybe you’ll start liking someone else that likes you just as much. :)
Good Luck! :D