The other night, I was trying to explain to a friend of mine that DatingGenius doesn’t “date”. I wasn’t satisfied with my attempt at making her understand what I meant so I’m going to try again right now. 😀
Dating vs. Hanging Out
The Kid doesn’t date. I hang out with women. The difference is that dating implies progression as opposed to spending time together on a particular day, night or evening. A date is merely a hangout with the added implication that you’re trying to screw her along with whatever else you had planned, like dinner, drinks, movies, museums, looking at antiques… (don’t ask! :D)
My friend Joyce told me I’m “Always On”. I think that’s an accurate statement. Joyce would know first-hand and anybody that’s seen The Kid in action around a chick I’m into will attest to the fact that I have *no* need to create some special circumstance to kick game to a chick and try to get on. If I’m motivated and the gal turns me on, I instinctively know what to do and it usually happens right there on the spot. If I’m not turned on, nothing happens at all. This would be the case whether I was on a “date” or a hangout so there’s no need to make a distinction.
Dating’s a holdover from back in the day when I was brainwashed about the process by which you become intimate with women. You see one you like, you meet her, you get her number, you call her to smalltalk, you eventually ask her out on a date. The reason you have to ask her out is because you set yourself up from day 01 as someone attempting to woo her or become a suitor. The whole process you were going through with her was setting the scene for popping the question. You were finding out about her while she was finding out about you so y’all could make an educated decision about whether you wanted to meet up and do something.
BFF > Temporary Boyfriend
I realized that this was the wrong way to go, hilariously enough, by LOSING raps. I would like some chick and friends of mine would like her also. Next thing you know, it’s off to the races with all of us trying to get her. At some point (which was usually that very same day, so we had to work fast against each other), she’d have to choose one of us. I remember losing a rap to this HAWT chick that I was DYING to hook up with! 😀 I mean DY-YING! 😀 I was totally kicking myself that I lost that one! 😀
What happens in that case is that I automatically dive-bomb into friends mode with her. It’s part of “the game”. Regardless of what YOU really want to do, you respect the fact that the chick chose your friend just the same way that you want him to respect the fact that some chick chose you and he had to sit that one out. Some guys take it so far as to completely ignore a chick that chooses a homeboy of theirs so there’s no chance for accidental impropriety. I used to do that, but after being confronted about it a couple of times by the chicks I was ignoring, I decided to go the speak to, but “just friends” route. Of course, once the relationship was over between her and my friend (which it always was, eventually), if we were still into each other, it was ON!
Anyway, the funny thing that I learned from losing raps was that the only thing I was losing was not having sex with this particular chick because my friend had already laid claim to her. Meanwhile, I gained a new Excellent Friend and a powerful ally. First of all, we were friends because she knew I was into her and thought she was cute, sensual, sexy or whatever I told her before I *LOST* the rap! 😀 Second, we were friends because she knew that I was close to “her boyfriend” and that words from me in one direction or another could make her relationship better, worse or nonexistent. Third, sexual tension from her side of things was relieved (while mine was probably quintupled :/) because I became, to her, something similar to a brother-in-law. She was family to me because she was dating my family so she knew I was in her corner and looking out for her by extension.
Fourth, and possibly the most lucrative aspect of becoming friends with a chick I actually WANTED, I became the de facto guy to be hooked up with ANY and ALL of her single girlfriends. I think this was the craziest thing of all now that I’m thinking about it. My friend who got the rap to her was now being hawked night and day to see if he was kicking it with ANY other chicks. Meanwhile, his girlfriend is introducing me to all of her girlfriends, roommates, schoolmates, relatives, random girls we meet in the street or at bars… Dudes… Trust me… If you want to meet a bunch of girls IMMEDIATELY when you go to a bar, take a gregarious, attractive female with you that’s interested in hooking you up. It’s completely unfair! 😀
5th, The intimacy between us would develop into trust, where I would always end up having a way more REAL relationship to her than she was having to my friend that she was dating. The fact that they could tell me stuff that wouldn’t get leaked to their boyfriends even though I was clearly tighter with him than I was with her made them interact with me more openly and honestly, which a) I really cherished and b) made OUR relationship last way longer than their relationship to the friends of mine they had been dating at the time.
The Dating Trap
Another problem with “dating” is that you can’t go backwards from it without the chick feeling sour. It’s a trap. If you ask her out on a date and then the next time you invite her to a party as part of a group or something, she’s going to wonder what happened or if you don’t like her anymore or whatever. Meanwhile, if you hang out with a chick and you just so happen to make out with her before dropping her off at her house, she can’t feel anything but good about that. She knows you’re into her, everybody had a good time that evening and there’s no pressure between you to do it again next time or NOT to do it again next time.
You also run into stupid questions like “where is this relationship going?”. It’s really not in your best interests to frame a hangout as a “date”. Well… The *ONLY* reason it would be worthwhile to frame it as a date is if she wouldn’t hang out with you UNLESS it was a date. If that’s the case, then it’s worth it to ask her out just so you can get your hands on her and see what you can do. However.. At this point in time, I’m not sure that I’d ever date a chick that wouldn’t spend time with me at all unless there was something else in it for her other than spending time with me.
Also, going on the actual date after asking a girl out is anticlimactic. You know what’s important to find out before you go on the actual date. If she declines, you know you have way more groundwork to put in if you’re gonna get on with this chick. If she accepts, you know she’s willing to give you a shot at being a suitor. There’s no reason for her to “date” you unless she’s thinking about being your girlfriend somewhere down the line. Similarly, there’s no reason for YOU to frame it as a date unless you’re having her audition for the girlfriend role.
Spending Time is Spending Time. You’re gonna make your moves whether it’s a date or a hangout. She’s going to go for it or not depending on how she feels about you. You’re not gaining anything by labeling a hangout a “date”. Also, how would you know if you want a chick to be your girlfriend BEFORE you spend time with her? 😀 That’s like guys getting married to chicks before they tap it, but that’s an entirely different discussion.
Having said that… 😀
There IS another reason that you might want to tell a chick you want to take her out on a date. It’s lame, but it’s actually true, now that I’m thinking about it…
Business Is Business
If you DON’T tell her that you’re going out on a date with her, she might not put her best foot forward, visually. I hate it when that happens, advise against it and usually stop hanging out with chicks that insist on showing up for hangouts looking like bums. The wisdom is this… FIrst of all, have some respect for MY entertainment like I have respect for YOUR entertainment. The Kid doesn’t just jump up out of bed and rush out to the bar to hang out with my homegirls. I want to be presentable because a) it adds to her enjoyment of the evening, b) we’re in public, so she doesn’t have to feel embarrassed about sitting around talking to a bum, and c) I have no idea what other chicks are going to show up that I might feel like kicking it to, so it’s in MY OWN best interest to go outside ready to rawk.
All three of those apply to chicks you hang out with as well. They SHOULD dress well and look good when they come to hang out with you a) for YOUR personal enjoyment, b) so that when other guys in the bar that they might like see them, they give the gals credit for their style, and c) that the gals feel confident about their looks and presentation so that IF they get that rap that they weren’t expecting, they don’t have to run and hide and shy away from the dudes because they’re underdressed or whatever.
I like to explain this to chicks because if they want to dress like they’re in their living room, they should STAY in their living room. I’ve introduced LOTS of girls to guys, whether they were visually prepared for it or not. I’ll admit that I get BIG LAUGHS when chicks get caught out there and feel embarrassed for coming outside bummy and I make sure to tell them “I told you so” and that that’s good for them for being like “oh.. I’m only going to hang out with Bill.. No need for me to look good”. HAHAHA good for you! That’s what you GET! 😀
Anyway, that’s the other reason you might want to frame a hangout as a date. If she won’t put her best visual foot forward otherwise, you won’t be as inclined to kick it to her and the whole “date” spirals downhill. If that’s what it takes to motivate her to motivate you, make it happen. 🙂
So.. No.. I don’t date. It’s a waste of time. It’s an implication of a nonexistent progression. I’m not looking to retire. I’m looking to have a good time. I’m looking to give what I’m inspired by her to give and receive what she feels inspired to give me. Period. Nothing More, Nothing Less. Meanwhile, I make moves in a box, I make moves near a fox, I make moves with Green Eggs & Ham. You can’t stop the bum rush. I do what I do, she goes for what she goes for and I have ZERO interest in telegraphing my moves by sending a chick an engraved invitation to go out on a “date” with me.
~ Bill Cammack | @BillCammack