We’ve all been in the situation where we’ve had to cover for our boy so he doesn’t get caught by his girlfriend/fiancee/wife cheating. Well.. If not “HAD TO”, we’ve all had it REQUESTED of us, and “the right thing to do” is hook your boy up and take one for the team.
Larry David’s had to do this several times by now for his homeboy/manager Jeff in his show “Curb Your Enthusiasm”, and after what I watched last night, I had to write about this stuff hahaha. Sorry cheaters… There comes a point where ENOUGH IS ENOUGH and you’re gonna have to get cut loose to sink or swim on your own.
I first became aware of this problem a long time ago. I searched for the episode reference, but couldn’t find it. I believe it was in season 01, and now, they’re in season 07. Anyway… Oh man, I was rollin’ off of this one! 😀
Larry and his boy live in California. They travel 3,000 miles away, to New York City and while they’re there, Larry’s boy Jeff hooks up with some chick. At the time, Jeff was married and so was Larry, so, realistically, Jeff shouldn’t have asked Larry to cover for him at all, being that they would have been taking similar risks getting caught hanging out with some chick that wasn’t their wives.
So Jeff’s finished doin’ the do, and he asks his boy Larry for a favor, namely to make sure the chick Jeff just hooked up with gets wherever she needs to go safely (You don’t gotsta go home……. but you GOTSTA GET *THE* *HELL* OUT OF *HERE*!!! :D). Larry naively accepts this assignment and decides he’s going to walk this girl across Central Park to wherever she has to go. As soon as I saw this, I was like “Oh Boy… HERE. WE. GO!!!”.
There are several problems with this scenario. First of all, if his boy tapped it, it’s HIS BOY’S problem to export the chick. Second, being that Larry was married at the time, he couldn’t afford the appearance of impropriety any more than Jeff could. I’m especially sensitive to this scenario because since I’ve been single during 85%-90% of my dating career, I’ve been the de facto “play it off” guy. I can absorb the hit from my friends’ girlfriends because I have nothing to lose. There’s nobody you can rat me out to. Except for the few times that I’ve declared myself “in a relationship”, I’m never under exclusive contract to any chick.
This means that when a guy’s girl unexpectedly shows up at the club, she might find me hugged up with the girl her man’s been kickin’ it to and plans to hook up with later that night. The girlfriend can’t say or do **** about it because she knows I’m single and liable to be hugged up with ANY chick at ANY time, including her little sister or her moms if her moms still has it like that 😉
This means that I might deliberately stay off the grid for a certain set of hours during a day so that my boy can say he was hanging out with me while he was actually kickin’ it with some chick that’s not his girlfriend. It’s important that I receive this communication ahead of time so I don’t accidentally walk down the avenue and run into dude’s girlfriend during the time that I’m supposedly bowling with him or whatever lie he told her.
So as soon as Larry accepted this assignment, I was like “He’s about to be ass-out!”. So, Of Course… Larry’s walking across Central Park with some chick that could probably be his daughter (not that The Kid‘s complaining about THAT! haha) and 3,000 miles away from home, he HAS to come across his wife’s girlfriend who just so happened to be jogging right then and right there.
Now, Larry has a big problem. He can’t explain this at-most-college-student away as a business contact. He also can’t tell the truth, which is that he’s walking a girl home that his boy just screwed behind his boy’s wife’s back. He also can’t take the hit and say “Yeah, she’s with me. What about it?” because he’s married AND this chick he ran into knows his wife. So now, Larry didn’t even GET ANY and he looks like he cheated.
Consequences & Repercussions
Of course, I was LMAO at this and rewound it over and over to watch him get caught by this chick! HAHAHAHA Oh man! 😀 IIRC, he went home and of course, his wife got a call from her homegirl before he got there and he was under pressure so he fessed up. I think he told his wife that Jeff had been cheating in order to save his own ass. This is part of the problem with trying to be a wingman. Dudes don’t think it out. Dudes don’t assess how much risk they’re taking on in order to help out a homeboy that SHOULD be helping HIMSELF and leaving you out of the mix entirely.
Jeff should not have asked Larry to export his girlfriend because he knew that Larry could have gotten in as much trouble as he could have if he got caught. Larry should not have accepted, because he knew that IF he got caught, he was going to spill the beans to his wife, which is actually MUCH WORSE than Jeff’s wife becoming suspicious. If Jeff’s wife thinks Jeff cheated on her, she still doesn’t have any evidence. If Larry’s wife tells Jeff’s wife that Larry told her that he knows first-hand that Jeff cheated on his wife, it’s a wrap.
What Larry SHOULD have done in that situation is tell Jeff to “Give that chick cab money and say SHALOM!” (or “Peace In The Middle East!” or “Don’t let the door HIT’CHA where the Good Lord SPLIT’CHA!”). There are too many options in NYC for exporting chicks without anyone seeing you together for Larry to have gone out like a sucker, which he did.
Same As It Ever Was
So that might have been six years ago…. Yesterday, I’m watching this episode, and now, in season 07, Jeff is still married and Larry is single so that makes it better as far as Larry taking the hit. So Jeff’s wife needs to blow her nose, so she looks in Jeff’s glove compartment and finds women’s panties. Obviously, Jeff tapped some chick in his ride and somehow, her panties ended up in the glove compartment. As a video editor as well as a dude that knows what panties look like AFTER they come off of a chick, I have to mention that the state of the panties was RIDICULOUS when the wife pulled them out of the glove compartment. They looked like they just came off the rack or the bin @ Victoria’s Secret. And, YES, I’ve been to VS countless times and I’m fully aware that they have bins for the discount bras that chicks hawk over. Actually, even if those panties had come out of that bin, they STILL wouldn’t have looked as starched as the panties she retrieved from Jeff’s glove compartment haha.. Not to mention that in getting them off, they would have rolled up and they shouldn’t have been so obviously never-moist… Anyway…
So the point is that Jeff decides that the best explanation for these panties (which might also be the reason why they were in pristine condition as opposed to being rolled off of some chick’s thighs just before she collected head from Jeff) is that not only do they belong to LARRY, but they belong to him because Larry. Enjoys. Wearing. Women’s. Panties. :/
Now, this was retarded off the bat. This was just too much. What Jeff SHOULD have said was that Larry had a date and his car was in the shop so he asked to borrow Jeff’s and *LARRY* left some chick’s panties in Jeff’s glove compartment. That’s something that Larry would have been able to cop a plea to with zero repercussions because he’s single now. The way Jeff set it up, he was asking too much of Larry. Jeff’s wife has a tremendously big mouth AND she’s a gossip. If she actually believed that Larry liked to wear women’s panties, that was going to be all over their social scene in a hot minute. It’s not true, AND it’s a lie that could affect Larry’s dating life going forward, so it’s just too much.
There was more to the episode, but I’m not going to talk about it in case you want to watch it and LYAO yourself, haha (The recent “Officer Krupke” episode).
Noooooo Mah Brotha… You’ve Gotsta Buy YOUR OWN!
Some people aren’t meant to cheat. They don’t know what they’re doing. They’re just not cut out for it. They would like to imagine themselves as playboys but they’re obviously not.
Your hooking them up regardless of whatever wacko schemes they heap upon you is only enabling them to remain lame-o cheaters and not have to pay any consequences whatsoever. You’re doing more to support their relationship than THEY are, and you’re getting nothing of value in return.
On top of that, as soon as you stop enabling them, their relationship will be over anyway because they’re going to get caught and you won’t be there to bail them out. What’s the point of that? If it’s gonna end, let it end NOW so you don’t have to be bothered with these bull**** requests. You’re not the one that pledged fidelity to the chick, your boy is. If he can’t hold up his own word, maybe he needs to learn to or not be in relationships at all.
Also, if he’s not looking out for YOU and YOUR best dating interests, why should you look out for HIM? Why should he put you in a position where you can get get caught by your wife with a chick you didn’t even have sex with? Why should he put you in a position where his gossip-ass-wife that doesn’t like you in the first place is going to tell all her friends that you like to wear women’s panties?
What he needs to do is get his game tight or give it up altogether and stick with what he already has. Put his wife in the gym. Get her to stop being crabby. Whatever he has to do to be satisfied with his current relationship, let him concentrate on THAT instead of constantly screwing up and expecting YOU to bail him out regardless of the consequences to your personal or professional life.
Let your boy know that YOU help those who help THEMSELVES. If he’s not going to put HIS best foot forward, then neither are YOU.
~ Bill Cammack | @BillCammack