Reader “Jackie” asked me yesterday how come a guy that enjoys spending time with her and seems to be romantically interested in her hasn’t made any moves after she gave him a kiss one day. I’m reposting my response to her question here since it’s a topic I feel I *SHOULD* have posted about a long time ago, but somehow never did until today.
Here are some potential reasons why the guy you’re dating won’t kiss a gal or escalate the relationship after she gives him the green light by kissing him first:
1. He’s scared of you, physically.
He likes you and is probably sexually attracted to you, but he can’t see himself puttin’ in work on you that would make you appreciate him more and take your relationship in a positive direction rather than a negative direction. *NOTE*: I wrote all these before I saw a picture of Jackie, so having nothing to go on, I assumed that she was attractive when I considered the answers to her question.
There are lots of reasons a guy might be scared of / intimidated by a chick. I don’t mean because she weighs 25 pounds more than he does or that she knows Jiu-Jitsu. I’m talking about a lack of confidence that whatever he’s planning to do to her isn’t going to match up to what someone else has already done to her. Interestingly enough, this is part of the foundation of guys trying to marry virgins (incredibly bad idea, btw.. marrying a chick BEFORE you know whether you enjoy tappin’ that or not) and low-rating girls that have “been around the block”. If they get a chick ‘fresh out the box’, whatever little nothing they do to her in bed is going to seem like an amazing experience for her. They don’t want to get to the honeymoon and have her like *YAWN* :O
2. He wants you but never suspected he would/could ever HAVE you.
Your kissing him informed him that the impossible was possible, if not PROBABLE and now he’s shook, ’cause ain’t no such things as halfway crooks, scared to death and scared to look. It might take him some time to regroup with a new game plan and he’s stalling until he figures that out.
Guys like to use the term “Out of my league” to describe women that they would love to have, but don’t believe that what they’re bringing to the table stacks up to what she either WANTS or CAN DEFINITELY GET from guys. This is a major hurdle in the United States dating system, since there’s a lot of shallowness on both sides and guys get to see lots of examples of the guys with the most toys getting the best-looking girls. It only stands to reason that if a gal can get a cute guy, she would rather have a cute AND RICH guy. If she can get a guy that tells her the truth, she would rather have a guy that tells her the truth AND has a nice car, etc etc.
Because of this, lots of times, guys come into a situation with the intention of getting what they can get. ‘Matter of fact, sometimes it’s an absolute SURPRISE that the gal accepted his invitation to go out on a date in the first place, so he’s basically in the bonus the entire time he gets to spend with her. What happens in those situations is that the guy isn’t planning to escalate the relationship to any kind of romantic or physically sexual format and he doesn’t expect the gal to either, so if she leans over and gives him a peck on the lips, that might just short-circuit his brain as it’s suddenly flooded with visions of romantic possibilities and nightmares of how ill-prepared he is for this situation since he never figured he’d receive a kiss from her.
3. You did HIS job for him.
He’s one of those guys that believes guys should make all the moves, so he feels (pardon my French for a second) like a bitch because you pressed up on him instead of him ‘Doing what a man’s supposed to do’ and initiating romantic contact. This falls along the lines of guys who feel that the man should make more money than the woman, or the man should be taller than the woman, or the man should be physically stronger than the woman, or the man should be smarter than the woman…..
So, while sometimes, women have no choice but to kiss their dates since the dudes are scared to death to make a move, they’re also setting up a dynamic that he doesn’t like. As an example, if I hooked up with a rich chick and all I had to do was play XBOX all day and show her a good time when she got home, you’d never see The Kid in the street ever again. :D I’d be COLD LAMPIN’ harder than a chick asleep in the garbage. “But WHERE Does Homey Sign? :(” hahaha But there are lots of guys that would go absolutely crazy if they couldn’t be the bread-winner in their relationship. It’s embarrassing to them. Instead of congratulating themselves for landing a chick that’s more ambitious than they are and has infinitely more earning potential, they low-rate themselves for not being better than their woman in every area of life.
Sucks to be them. Pass the XBOX controller! :D
4. He thinks you’re a ho.
Along the same lines of societal expectations, he might think you’re ‘easy’, being that you kissed him before he kissed you. Retarded, I know, but possible.
Basically, if a guy doesn’t feel like he made you do something or he inspired you to do something, he assumes you would have done it anyway, on your own, to him or whomever else might have been available and interested. Pressing up on him could make him wonder who else you pressed up on recently and who you might press up on AFTER making out with him. It’s a scary consideration for guys who want to feel like they have control over “their girl”.
I would liken it to a situation where a guy doesn’t bother to fake being interested in a gal’s mind and approaches her with “I like your ass! :D”. That’s not a high-success-percentage rap line and the guy will instantly be low-rated and looked at suspiciously, being that he probably wants to hook up with EVERY chick whose ass he likes as opposed to just this one gal.
*NOTE*: I do not know anyone like that.. I’m just saying. :)
5. He’s not over his ex.
This is definitely something that happens to guys, but mostly, they don’t want to say so in order to not look like a chump or a p****. A few weeks ago, a friend of mine informed me he and his long-time girlfriend had just broken up and that the advice he was getting from people was ‘go get laid’. In some cases, that’s a useless thing to do, specifically in the case where a guy wasn’t just with his ex for the guaranteed sex. Screwing some chick you don’t know right after exiting a meaningful relationship sometimes just doesn’t cut the mustard. Regarding your situation, depending on how long ago he ‘got out of a bad relationship’ (which could mean ANYTHING), he might be VERY interested in attractive female companionship and NOT interested in making out with you or anything else, because he’s emotionally not ready for that yet.
6. You’re suddenly not “safe”.
One of my personal favorites is that he selected you BECAUSE he *KNEW* you weren’t going to kiss him. :) You were one of those safe chicks whose company you can enjoy and you can share great times with without worrying about her getting horny and pressing up on you. He may have found out he was wrong when you went in for that peck, and now he’s in ‘What do I do now?’ mode.
The value of safe chicks is that you don’t have to worry about them FREAKING OUT on you because they can’t handle something physical that happened between you or they can’t handle your response (or lack thereof) to something physical that happened between you. You don’t have to worry about safe chicks being all in your business or cockblocking you. You know that your relationship to her at the end of the evening is going to be pretty much the same as it was in the beginning and you can look forward to sharing good times with her basically indefinitely.
If the gal presses up, he suddenly has two poor decisions. He can go for the action, which he’s interested in, and escalate the relationship farther than he intended to.. or he can NOT go for it, kick himself for not hooking up with a gal he wants, and take the chance that down the line, when he’s interested in her, she’ll be “meh” about him because he rebuffed her previous advances.
This is a lot to consider and I can see a guy mentally stalling while he tries to figure out what he really wants to do.
7. He doesn’t know whether he’s clean or not.
Life in the fast lane comes with certain physical hazards. There’s no immediate test to show whether someone’s clean or not. You have to go to the clinic, get tested, not have sex at all while you’re waiting for the results and eventually get them. I think the waiting period is two weeks? So, depending on how long he’s been acting shook, he might be waiting to receive the green light from the doctor. He may know very well that if he starts kissing you, he’s not going to want to stop there and he might be looking out for *your* health.
Solution / Progression
As usual, this situation calls for a direct confrontation. If you have that type of authentic relationship with him, you’ll be able to ask him straight ‘What’s up?’ and let him know what you’re thinking about and/or feeling about him and receive a useful answer that allows you to cut that zero or get with that hero. Asking him is all you can do. If he fronts and doesn’t want to say what the issue is, you’re going to have to accept that AS your answer and make your decision based on the fact that he’s not even willing to meet you halfway and discuss the situation with you.
Again, assuming Jackie was attractive, I continued.. As an uneducated guess, my money’s on Performance Anxiety. Sometimes, a gal is a fantasy. Sometimes you think all the time and DREAM about hittin’ it, but everything goes perfectly in the dream. When it looks like it might go down for real, you have to replace your dream self who rocked the spot and won the day with your real self who might be out of shape, lack stamina and/or rhythm or in the worst-case scenario, be a Two-Minute Brotha! :O
Sometimes, it’s better to NOT hit it and stay in the game than to make a move you’re not sure about and potentially lose what you already have with her. ;)
Good Luck! :D
~ Bill Cammack | @BillCammack