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Why He Won’t Kiss You
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Reader “Jackie” asked me yesterday how come a guy that enjoys spending time with her and seems to be romantically interested in her hasn’t made any moves after she gave him a kiss one day. I’m reposting my response to her question here since it’s a topic I feel I *SHOULD* have posted about a long time ago, but somehow never did until today.
Here are some potential reasons why the guy you’re dating won’t kiss a gal or escalate the relationship after she gives him the green light by kissing him first:
1. He’s scared of you, physically.
He likes you and is probably sexually attracted to you, but he can’t see himself puttin’ in work on you that would make you appreciate him more and take your relationship in a positive direction rather than a negative direction. *NOTE*: I wrote all these before I saw a picture of Jackie, so having nothing to go on, I assumed that she was attractive when I considered the answers to her question.
There are lots of reasons a guy might be scared of / intimidated by a chick. I don’t mean because she weighs 25 pounds more than he does or that she knows Jiu-Jitsu. I’m talking about a lack of confidence that whatever he’s planning to do to her isn’t going to match up to what someone else has already done to her. Interestingly enough, this is part of the foundation of guys trying to marry virgins (incredibly bad idea, btw.. marrying a chick BEFORE you know whether you enjoy tappin’ that or not) and low-rating girls that have “been around the block”. If they get a chick ‘fresh out the box’, whatever little nothing they do to her in bed is going to seem like an amazing experience for her. They don’t want to get to the honeymoon and have her like *YAWN* :O
2. He wants you but never suspected he would/could ever HAVE you.
Your kissing him informed him that the impossible was possible, if not PROBABLE and now he’s shook, ’cause ain’t no such things as halfway crooks, scared to death and scared to look. It might take him some time to regroup with a new game plan and he’s stalling until he figures that out.
Guys like to use the term “Out of my league” to describe women that they would love to have, but don’t believe that what they’re bringing to the table stacks up to what she either WANTS or CAN DEFINITELY GET from guys. This is a major hurdle in the United States dating system, since there’s a lot of shallowness on both sides and guys get to see lots of examples of the guys with the most toys getting the best-looking girls. It only stands to reason that if a gal can get a cute guy, she would rather have a cute AND RICH guy. If she can get a guy that tells her the truth, she would rather have a guy that tells her the truth AND has a nice car, etc etc.
Because of this, lots of times, guys come into a situation with the intention of getting what they can get. ‘Matter of fact, sometimes it’s an absolute SURPRISE that the gal accepted his invitation to go out on a date in the first place, so he’s basically in the bonus the entire time he gets to spend with her. What happens in those situations is that the guy isn’t planning to escalate the relationship to any kind of romantic or physically sexual format and he doesn’t expect the gal to either, so if she leans over and gives him a peck on the lips, that might just short-circuit his brain as it’s suddenly flooded with visions of romantic possibilities and nightmares of how ill-prepared he is for this situation since he never figured he’d receive a kiss from her.
3. You did HIS job for him.
He’s one of those guys that believes guys should make all the moves, so he feels (pardon my French for a second) like a bitch because you pressed up on him instead of him ‘Doing what a man’s supposed to do’ and initiating romantic contact. This falls along the lines of guys who feel that the man should make more money than the woman, or the man should be taller than the woman, or the man should be physically stronger than the woman, or the man should be smarter than the woman…..
So, while sometimes, women have no choice but to kiss their dates since the dudes are scared to death to make a move, they’re also setting up a dynamic that he doesn’t like. As an example, if I hooked up with a rich chick and all I had to do was play XBOX all day and show her a good time when she got home, you’d never see The Kid in the street ever again. :D I’d be COLD LAMPIN’ harder than a chick asleep in the garbage. “But WHERE Does Homey Sign? :(” hahaha But there are lots of guys that would go absolutely crazy if they couldn’t be the bread-winner in their relationship. It’s embarrassing to them. Instead of congratulating themselves for landing a chick that’s more ambitious than they are and has infinitely more earning potential, they low-rate themselves for not being better than their woman in every area of life.
Sucks to be them. Pass the XBOX controller! :D
4. He thinks you’re a ho.
Along the same lines of societal expectations, he might think you’re ‘easy’, being that you kissed him before he kissed you. Retarded, I know, but possible.
Basically, if a guy doesn’t feel like he made you do something or he inspired you to do something, he assumes you would have done it anyway, on your own, to him or whomever else might have been available and interested. Pressing up on him could make him wonder who else you pressed up on recently and who you might press up on AFTER making out with him. It’s a scary consideration for guys who want to feel like they have control over “their girl”.
I would liken it to a situation where a guy doesn’t bother to fake being interested in a gal’s mind and approaches her with “I like your ass! :D”. That’s not a high-success-percentage rap line and the guy will instantly be low-rated and looked at suspiciously, being that he probably wants to hook up with EVERY chick whose ass he likes as opposed to just this one gal.
*NOTE*: I do not know anyone like that.. I’m just saying. :)
5. He’s not over his ex.
This is definitely something that happens to guys, but mostly, they don’t want to say so in order to not look like a chump or a p****. A few weeks ago, a friend of mine informed me he and his long-time girlfriend had just broken up and that the advice he was getting from people was ‘go get laid’. In some cases, that’s a useless thing to do, specifically in the case where a guy wasn’t just with his ex for the guaranteed sex. Screwing some chick you don’t know right after exiting a meaningful relationship sometimes just doesn’t cut the mustard. Regarding your situation, depending on how long ago he ‘got out of a bad relationship’ (which could mean ANYTHING), he might be VERY interested in attractive female companionship and NOT interested in making out with you or anything else, because he’s emotionally not ready for that yet.
6. You’re suddenly not “safe”.
One of my personal favorites is that he selected you BECAUSE he *KNEW* you weren’t going to kiss him. :) You were one of those safe chicks whose company you can enjoy and you can share great times with without worrying about her getting horny and pressing up on you. He may have found out he was wrong when you went in for that peck, and now he’s in ‘What do I do now?’ mode.
The value of safe chicks is that you don’t have to worry about them FREAKING OUT on you because they can’t handle something physical that happened between you or they can’t handle your response (or lack thereof) to something physical that happened between you. You don’t have to worry about safe chicks being all in your business or cockblocking you. You know that your relationship to her at the end of the evening is going to be pretty much the same as it was in the beginning and you can look forward to sharing good times with her basically indefinitely.
If the gal presses up, he suddenly has two poor decisions. He can go for the action, which he’s interested in, and escalate the relationship farther than he intended to.. or he can NOT go for it, kick himself for not hooking up with a gal he wants, and take the chance that down the line, when he’s interested in her, she’ll be “meh” about him because he rebuffed her previous advances.
This is a lot to consider and I can see a guy mentally stalling while he tries to figure out what he really wants to do.
7. He doesn’t know whether he’s clean or not.
Life in the fast lane comes with certain physical hazards. There’s no immediate test to show whether someone’s clean or not. You have to go to the clinic, get tested, not have sex at all while you’re waiting for the results and eventually get them. I think the waiting period is two weeks? So, depending on how long he’s been acting shook, he might be waiting to receive the green light from the doctor. He may know very well that if he starts kissing you, he’s not going to want to stop there and he might be looking out for *your* health.
Solution / Progression
As usual, this situation calls for a direct confrontation. If you have that type of authentic relationship with him, you’ll be able to ask him straight ‘What’s up?’ and let him know what you’re thinking about and/or feeling about him and receive a useful answer that allows you to cut that zero or get with that hero. Asking him is all you can do. If he fronts and doesn’t want to say what the issue is, you’re going to have to accept that AS your answer and make your decision based on the fact that he’s not even willing to meet you halfway and discuss the situation with you.
Again, assuming Jackie was attractive, I continued.. As an uneducated guess, my money’s on Performance Anxiety. Sometimes, a gal is a fantasy. Sometimes you think all the time and DREAM about hittin’ it, but everything goes perfectly in the dream. When it looks like it might go down for real, you have to replace your dream self who rocked the spot and won the day with your real self who might be out of shape, lack stamina and/or rhythm or in the worst-case scenario, be a Two-Minute Brotha! :O
Sometimes, it’s better to NOT hit it and stay in the game than to make a move you’re not sure about and potentially lose what you already have with her. ;)
Good Luck! :D
~ Bill Cammack | @BillCammack
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22 Responses to “Why He Won’t Kiss You”
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I have been following your blog intermittently over the past year or so. I’m 45 and been happily married for 23 years. Anyhow, if I ever have to reenter the dating scene, your advise will definitly assist.
On today’s topic, ladies, some guys like Hos. :)
lol.. Don’t have any advice for a brotha 23 years down! :D All I can say is CONGRATULATIONS! and keep taking out the garbage before she asks you to? \o/
And I’m pretty sure the proper pluralization is hoEs, unless you’re talking about the tasty snack!
or maybe, he’s just not that into you…..
Gail, I think you’re right… :-/
@Gail & @Jackie: That’s the easy way out, however. It’s entirely possible, but it’s a much more interesting conversation why a guy wouldn’t press up on a gal he actually WANTS to mess with than one that he’s not interested in.
“He thinks you’re busted” would have been a very short reply! HAHAHA :D
Sure I have advice…
Pull a Tiger about 7 years into marriage and then spend the rest of your life working for forgiveness. :)
hahaha Dude.. This is going to be over in a split second. Do you know how much forgiveness Brad Pitt needed? None. How long did people talk about him dumping what’shername for Angelina Jolie? Nobody cares.
Same thing with Mike Vick. He did his time and now he’s back in the NFL winning games. Nobody cares. Hugh Grant is doing movies. I just saw Kramer on Curb Your Enthusiasm. Mel Gibson will always be a star.
All this stuff is just roadblocks that pop up when someone’s actual nature becomes apparent. Tiger’s wife will leave, his kids will grow up benefitting from his money, he’ll have more chicks and beat more people up on the golf course. No big deal. :)
hmmmm… (Im speaking for myself and no one else)
I remember this one chick that I wanted to blaze for the longest. We finally got into a social situation with a group of friends. At some point she walks away and I realized that something about her looked like it stunk. sounds stupid but something stuck to my mind! It was mental and nothing else. I still got a hard on when ever I would see her dark nips (she had what looked like sheer white skin, lol) showing through her sheer bra and shirt. Everytime she purposely played me close on the elevator and completely backed up into me while making room for others, I still got a chubby going BUT in more private settings…MENTAL.
It was always “…but something about her looks stink…”. MENTAL. I probably lost out but mentally speaking I was stuck on some imagined stink.
I see what you’re saying, haha. I can empathize. I didn’t really touch on that. You’re bringing up a really good point.
There’s a chick that I’ve been attracted to, like, forever, except the problem is that we have mutual acquaintances that informed me WAAAAAAAY back in the day that she was a glue-sniffer. :) HAHAHA Can you BELIEVE IT?… GLUE?!?!?! :D hahaha
After I was informed of this, I would pay attention to the air around her and I’ll be damned if she didn’t OFTEN smell like GLUE, which I wouldn’t have noticed before and I wouldn’t have thought about as something that people do in order to get high.
Now, I don’t care if people get high or not. I drink all the time, personally. However, with chicks, you have to be concerned that they put themselves mentally or physically out of commission (see picture of chick cold lampin’ in the street in a pile of garbage bags) and catch some ISH that either they don’t know they caught or they don’t want to TELL YOU they caught.
This could lead to the exact same situation.. You’re *DYING* to slam the chick, but you know damned well that you’d be just as safe jumping into an actual cesspool up to your chest. Because of that, you would spend time with her and get horny off of that but you would strive to make absolutely certain that you never messed with her for fear that she’s toxic.
HAHAHAHA…Just recently had this convo with a co-worker and I casually threw out that her man in question was GAY!
1)He says he enjoys my company but he never tries anything. Hmmmm, maybe he is taken I said.
2)He makes it a point to call me everyday. Hmmmm, maybe he doesnt want to destroy the friendship I said.
3)He tells me when he thinks Im making a bad decision with other men. Hmmmmm, maybe he feels you can do way better and that includes better than him I said.
4)He always kisses me on the cheek and when I conviniently move my lips into place he apologizes for kissing me on the mouth. Hmmmm, maybe he didnt realize it was purposely done and tried to correct the situation I said.
5)He doesnt complain about spending the whole day shopping with me. Hmmmm, maybe he is gay I said…
2 weeks later and one drunken confessional session and it turns out he was (wait… ok ok waaaait…) Gay.
I didnt say it in a negative manner, I had just run out of excuses for him and his behavior.
lolol @ the shopping comment, haha :D
#4 has serious potential, though. I’ve found it funny for years that as much as women swear on a stack of bibles on “Women’s Intuition”, they have absolutely no clue a) whether a particular guy is interested in THEM, and b) whether that guy’s interested in females AT ALL.
It’s really crazy and actually a major disadvantage for women. The reason it makes sense is that guys in this society are trained to act like they don’t like women. You’re supposed to go to work and act like you don’t want to **** the chick sitting three cubicles over from you. You’re supposed to go to a party and act like you’re not enjoying the chicks dancing. Because they have dudes busy running around acting like pussies every day, women don’t get used to how it feels to be around a guy that actually WANTS them.
Since all women want is attention anyway, they get the same experience from being around hetero dudes that are scared to touch them, God Forbid KISS them on the lips!!! :O, and being around homo dudes that wouldn’t screw her if her life depended on it.
Meanwhile, since dudes are always on the lookout for horny chicks, it’s pretty obvious when a chick’s sweating you and you can hook up with her… Assuming she can get past the social stigma clouding her brain and do what she actually feels like doing.
I used to find it funny. Now, it’s just pathetic. It’s bad enough to listen to chicks telling you they’re dating some guy that’s just a ******* Herb. It’s even worse when you know damned well that the guy they think they’re in a relationship with isn’t even interested in chicks and she’s off on some fantasy adventure all by herself until the rubber meets the road and she finds out what time it REALLY is.
I actually believe that numbers 1-4 are valid. I know guys who have played the roles numbered. I know guys that love the freedom of the friendship, calls everyday the same exact way he does with almost all his important friends, and will do all thats necessary to keep a friend from doing the wrong thing. Unfortunately, when females get their blinders on they assume its behavior thats exclusive to them. If they took 2 seconds to really think about it, they would notice that those were traits that attracted them in the first place BECAUSE those were patterns of behavior that are native to his personality.
As for number 4… I couldnt agree with you more about how society influences how we react to certain situations. I myself have apologized on several occasions for kisses that went astray only to find out afterwards that it was intentional. Part of the problem is that women by nature tend to play it coy and almost be aloof to the point that we assume its a NO GO and when THEY decide to invite us in, it catches most of us off guard.
Of course if he is gay… well, theres a very good chance they “knew” it was the case but continued to believe that instead of gay he was just so in touch with “HER” feminine side that they must be soul mates.
The actual problem is that society is cycling down to the point where neither guys nor gals can tell when the other one “Ain’t About Shit”.
Because you have so many single-parent families, girls aren’t being taught how to be women, and MUCH LESS, ladies. While they’re losing touch with their natural feminine charms, they’re also being trained to be guys. Do everything guys do. Be everything guys are. They spend all their energy trying to be us instead of being themselves because there IS NO “themselves” because what they should have inherited from their mothers and grandmothers wasn’t passed down because mom had to spend all her time working and leaving her daughter in daycare with other idiots that don’t know anything about training young girls properly.
Meanwhile, she also has no consistent or respected father figure in her life, so she doesn’t learn how to interact with men NATURALLY. She learns from what she’s TOLD by other women who either have real experiences with men OR ARE JADED from their experiences and feed all this bullshit to little girls because they’re bitter and angry and misery loves company.
So what you have is females that grow up thinking they’re these androgynous beings and that guys are too.. That basically, there’s no difference between guys and girls whatsoever. This is why so many women have no clue whether a dude actually likes girls or not because they don’t have any experience whatsoever with dudes that will **** them 5 minutes after meeting them for the first time in life and then tell her he likes her sister’s ass. Basically, if you don’t know what “night” is, you can’t properly describe “day”.
I was walking in NYC with a woman from another country who was 25 years old and it started snowing. She was happy as a clam because she had seen snow on television, but never experienced it. This is similar to what happens when these girls who don’t understand the actual range of male physicality finally hook up with a guy that ENJOYS handling women and KNOWS THE **** what to do with them to show them a good time.
Meanwhile, these dudes are being raised so SCARED TO ******* DEATH to touch girls that it’s absolutely pathetic. These are the dudes in the mix that these chicks hook up with and THINK they’re experiencing the male range and they’re not.
This is also why so many women have no clue whether a guy likes girls or not because in the females’ experience, both sets of guys act and carry themselves like eunuchs.
As far as playing it coy, women don’t have much choice. If they make any aggressive moves, these eunuchs are going to label them whores and then they won’t get any dates other than maybe brief hookups. It’s in their best interests to keep what they want under the hat until they’re in the presence of a dude that’s a) not going to judge them for being sexual people and wanting to have sex, and b) is going to handle that business for them and send them happily on their way, and c) is going to keep it on the QT and keep they business out tha street.
So the winning move is to either go for what you want or tell her directly that you know who she is and what she wants and that you’re down with it if SHE is.
I’ve heard lots of guys say this, that “women are lost and it really isn’t our fault.” That we think we are supposed to be hunters and gatherers when we are neither.
The end result is a female identity crisis caused by mis-education.
Good points you make.
It’s really a collective issue, but ends up falling more on women’s shoulders because y’all are the choosers. Guys throw our hats in the ring and y’all decide whether to get with whatever program we’re offering or not.
Whether guys take any actions or not, our focus remains the same.. We approach women we like. This is primarily done visually and then branches out from there to other traits.
Women, OTOH, can’t tell anything about a guy from his physical appearance, which is why y’all were completely thrown off by “Metrosexuals”. All of your information about what it means when a guy acts or dresses a certain way went out the window because both groups (interested, yet timid around women AND not interested in women at all) started carrying themselves exactly the same way.
If you’re indoors with no windows, you’ll react (or not) to daytime the same way you’ll react to nighttime. Y’all don’t have any actual experience with men to know how they are from being around them.. You just follow cues that other uninformed people passed along to you.
[...] might not end up making out at the end of the night, but I guarantee you you’ll have more good times more often than those hawt chicks that [...]
So what are you trying to say you think that guys should have sex with a girl before he marries her…like he should know what he’s dealing with before marriage??
Hi Jade. :) Thanks for the comment.
Sex Before Marriage is a Chicken & Egg issue. If you live in a society where it’s normal for guys to not hook up with chicks before marrying them, you get married very early… then divorced, then remarried so you can hook up with a different chick, then divorced, then married, then divorced…
Other than that, I don’t see how a chick’s even going to get the TITLE of “Girlfriend” without having sex with a dude. I mean guys SAY she’s his girlfriend, but if she’s not hannlin’ tha biznezz, he’s going to hook up with whatever chicks are down with the program.
If you think about it.. What sense does it make to make a decision on the chick you want to have sex with for the rest of your life… WITHOUT having sex with her? :D C’Mon, Son! :/ What if it’s wack? What if you don’t like the sex? Then what? You’re going to keep having sex with some chick that doesn’t turn you on? Nope. You’re gonna meet other chicks that you LIKE having sex with and you’re gonna do that…. Which defeats the point of getting married in the first place.
OTOH.. Some guys want to marry chicks that don’t give it up because they ASSUME that she’s a virgin and they’re going to be the only one to have hit it which makes him good at sex in comparison to….. NOBODY because she never hooked up before. It’s good for controlling a chick, since you’ll be her only orgasmic source and it’s good for avoiding STDs if you don’t intend to use condoms with her.
Of course, the risk you run is that once she DOES get some, she’s going to want more than you’re giving her and/or become curious as far as whether it’s better or worse with other guys so you might be creating more of a problem than you’re solving by marrying and ******* a chick that never had sex until she was 28 years old, so… \o/
What about females that wont kiss you. And im not talking about wont kiss you because they are not interested im talking about chicks that will hook up with you but refuse to kiss? i never understood this and have observed that it happens mostly with black women in my experience.
Ill let Bill answer this but one thing I have learned/been told: Some people actually feel that an exchange of fluids via kissing is actually more intimate and personal than bodily penetration by a latex covered instrument.
She doesn’t feel a deep attraction for him in that way I think that’s why she won’t kiss him. Thanks for the comment Bill. In my opinion persons should respect each other in a relationship and sex before marriage makes things complicated.
Agreed on both points, Jade. However.. Reality Ensues and being that the only thing that separates girlfriends from friends is sex, the issue will remain in the front of people’s minds…