Why He Won’t Kiss You

Bill CammackReader “Jackie” asked me yesterday how come a guy that enjoys spending time with her and seems to be romantically interested in her hasn’t made any moves after she gave him a kiss one day. I’m reposting my response to her question here since it’s a topic I feel I *SHOULD* have posted about a long time ago, but somehow never did until today.

Here are some potential reasons why the guy you’re dating won’t kiss a gal or escalate the relationship after she gives him the green light by kissing him first:

1. He’s scared of you, physically.

He likes you and is probably sexually attracted to you, but he can’t see himself puttin’ in work on you that would make you appreciate him more and take your relationship in a positive direction rather than a negative direction. *NOTE*: I wrote all these before I saw a picture of Jackie, so having nothing to go on, I assumed that she was attractive when I considered the answers to her question.

There are lots of reasons a guy might be scared of / intimidated by a chick. I don’t mean because she weighs 25 pounds more than he does or that she knows Jiu-Jitsu. I’m talking about a lack of confidence that whatever he’s planning to do to her isn’t going to match up to what someone else has already done to her. Interestingly enough, this is part of the foundation of guys trying to marry virgins (incredibly bad idea, btw.. marrying a chick BEFORE you know whether you enjoy tappin’ that or not) and low-rating girls that have “been around the block”. If they get a chick ‘fresh out the box’, whatever little nothing they do to her in bed is going to seem like an amazing experience for her. They don’t want to get to the honeymoon and have her like *YAWN* :O

2. He wants you but never suspected he would/could ever HAVE you.

Your kissing him informed him that the impossible was possible, if not PROBABLE and now he’s shook, ’cause ain’t no such things as halfway crooks, scared to death and scared to look. It might take him some time to regroup with a new game plan and he’s stalling until he figures that out.

Guys like to use the term “Out of my league” to describe women that they would love to have, but don’t believe that what they’re bringing to the table stacks up to what she either WANTS or CAN DEFINITELY GET from guys. This is a major hurdle in the United States dating system, since there’s a lot of shallowness on both sides and guys get to see lots of examples of the guys with the most toys getting the best-looking girls. It only stands to reason that if a gal can get a cute guy, she would rather have a cute AND RICH guy. If she can get a guy that tells her the truth, she would rather have a guy that tells her the truth AND has a nice car, etc etc.

Because of this, lots of times, guys come into a situation with the intention of getting what they can get. ‘Matter of fact, sometimes it’s an absolute SURPRISE that the gal accepted his invitation to go out on a date in the first place, so he’s basically in the bonus the entire time he gets to spend with her. What happens in those situations is that the guy isn’t planning to escalate the relationship to any kind of romantic or physically sexual format and he doesn’t expect the gal to either, so if she leans over and gives him a peck on the lips, that might just short-circuit his brain as it’s suddenly flooded with visions of romantic possibilities and nightmares of how ill-prepared he is for this situation since he never figured he’d receive a kiss from her.

3. You did HIS job for him.

He’s one of those guys that believes guys should make all the moves, so he feels (pardon my French for a second) like a bitch because you pressed up on him instead of him ‘Doing what a man’s supposed to do’ and initiating romantic contact. This falls along the lines of guys who feel that the man should make more money than the woman, or the man should be taller than the woman, or the man should be physically stronger than the woman, or the man should be smarter than the woman…..

So, while sometimes, women have no choice but to kiss their dates since the dudes are scared to death to make a move, they’re also setting up a dynamic that he doesn’t like. As an example, if I hooked up with a rich chick and all I had to do was play XBOX all day and show her a good time when she got home, you’d never see The Kid in the street ever again. 😀 I’d be COLD LAMPIN’ harder than a chick asleep in the garbage. “But WHERE Does Homey Sign? :(” hahaha But there are lots of guys that would go absolutely crazy if they couldn’t be the bread-winner in their relationship. It’s embarrassing to them. Instead of congratulating themselves for landing a chick that’s more ambitious than they are and has infinitely more earning potential, they low-rate themselves for not being better than their woman in every area of life.

Sucks to be them. Pass the XBOX controller! 😀

4. He thinks you’re a ho.

Along the same lines of societal expectations, he might think you’re ‘easy’, being that you kissed him before he kissed you. Retarded, I know, but possible.

Basically, if a guy doesn’t feel like he made you do something or he inspired you to do something, he assumes you would have done it anyway, on your own, to him or whomever else might have been available and interested. Pressing up on him could make him wonder who else you pressed up on recently and who you might press up on AFTER making out with him. It’s a scary consideration for guys who want to feel like they have control over “their girl”.

I would liken it to a situation where a guy doesn’t bother to fake being interested in a gal’s mind and approaches her with “I like your ass! :D”. That’s not a high-success-percentage rap line and the guy will instantly be low-rated and looked at suspiciously, being that he probably wants to hook up with EVERY chick whose ass he likes as opposed to just this one gal.

*NOTE*: I do not know anyone like that.. I’m just saying. 🙂

5. He’s not over his ex.

This is definitely something that happens to guys, but mostly, they don’t want to say so in order to not look like a chump or a p****. A few weeks ago, a friend of mine informed me he and his long-time girlfriend had just broken up and that the advice he was getting from people was ‘go get laid’. In some cases, that’s a useless thing to do, specifically in the case where a guy wasn’t just with his ex for the guaranteed sex. Screwing some chick you don’t know right after exiting a meaningful relationship sometimes just doesn’t cut the mustard. Regarding your situation, depending on how long ago he ‘got out of a bad relationship’ (which could mean ANYTHING), he might be VERY interested in attractive female companionship and NOT interested in making out with you or anything else, because he’s emotionally not ready for that yet.

6. You’re suddenly not “safe”.

One of my personal favorites is that he selected you BECAUSE he *KNEW* you weren’t going to kiss him. 🙂 You were one of those safe chicks whose company you can enjoy and you can share great times with without worrying about her getting horny and pressing up on you. He may have found out he was wrong when you went in for that peck, and now he’s in ‘What do I do now?’ mode.

The value of safe chicks is that you don’t have to worry about them FREAKING OUT on you because they can’t handle something physical that happened between you or they can’t handle your response (or lack thereof) to something physical that happened between you. You don’t have to worry about safe chicks being all in your business or cockblocking you. You know that your relationship to her at the end of the evening is going to be pretty much the same as it was in the beginning and you can look forward to sharing good times with her basically indefinitely.

If the gal presses up, he suddenly has two poor decisions. He can go for the action, which he’s interested in, and escalate the relationship farther than he intended to.. or he can NOT go for it, kick himself for not hooking up with a gal he wants, and take the chance that down the line, when he’s interested in her, she’ll be “meh” about him because he rebuffed her previous advances.

This is a lot to consider and I can see a guy mentally stalling while he tries to figure out what he really wants to do.

7. He doesn’t know whether he’s clean or not.

Life in the fast lane comes with certain physical hazards. There’s no immediate test to show whether someone’s clean or not. You have to go to the clinic, get tested, not have sex at all while you’re waiting for the results and eventually get them. I think the waiting period is two weeks? So, depending on how long he’s been acting shook, he might be waiting to receive the green light from the doctor. He may know very well that if he starts kissing you, he’s not going to want to stop there and he might be looking out for *your* health.

Solution / Progression

UnforgivableAs usual, this situation calls for a direct confrontation. If you have that type of authentic relationship with him, you’ll be able to ask him straight ‘What’s up?’ and let him know what you’re thinking about and/or feeling about him and receive a useful answer that allows you to cut that zero or get with that hero. Asking him is all you can do. If he fronts and doesn’t want to say what the issue is, you’re going to have to accept that AS your answer and make your decision based on the fact that he’s not even willing to meet you halfway and discuss the situation with you.

Again, assuming Jackie was attractive, I continued.. As an uneducated guess, my money’s on Performance Anxiety. Sometimes, a gal is a fantasy. Sometimes you think all the time and DREAM about hittin’ it, but everything goes perfectly in the dream. When it looks like it might go down for real, you have to replace your dream self who rocked the spot and won the day with your real self who might be out of shape, lack stamina and/or rhythm or in the worst-case scenario, be a Two-Minute Brotha! :O

Sometimes, it’s better to NOT hit it and stay in the game than to make a move you’re not sure about and potentially lose what you already have with her. 😉

Good Luck! 😀

~ Bill Cammack | @BillCammack

Join the Conversation


  1. I have been following your blog intermittently over the past year or so. I’m 45 and been happily married for 23 years. Anyhow, if I ever have to reenter the dating scene, your advise will definitly assist.
    On today’s topic, ladies, some guys like Hos. 🙂

    1. lol.. Don’t have any advice for a brotha 23 years down! 😀 All I can say is CONGRATULATIONS! and keep taking out the garbage before she asks you to? \o/

      And I’m pretty sure the proper pluralization is hoEs, unless you’re talking about the tasty snack!

      1. @Gail & @Jackie: That’s the easy way out, however. It’s entirely possible, but it’s a much more interesting conversation why a guy wouldn’t press up on a gal he actually WANTS to mess with than one that he’s not interested in.

        “He thinks you’re busted” would have been a very short reply! HAHAHA 😀

    1. hahaha Dude.. This is going to be over in a split second. Do you know how much forgiveness Brad Pitt needed? None. How long did people talk about him dumping what’shername for Angelina Jolie? Nobody cares.

      Same thing with Mike Vick. He did his time and now he’s back in the NFL winning games. Nobody cares. Hugh Grant is doing movies. I just saw Kramer on Curb Your Enthusiasm. Mel Gibson will always be a star.

      All this stuff is just roadblocks that pop up when someone’s actual nature becomes apparent. Tiger’s wife will leave, his kids will grow up benefitting from his money, he’ll have more chicks and beat more people up on the golf course. No big deal. 🙂

      1. I don’t understand why some readers are blaming you for what happens in reality. All you’re doing is informing us. It’s not your fault and nobody can tell you what to do. It doesn’t matter if someone doesn’t like it, because it will happen anyway.

        Thanks for your blog. I like reading it, even though it’s harsh reality.

  2. hmmmm… (Im speaking for myself and no one else)

    I remember this one chick that I wanted to blaze for the longest. We finally got into a social situation with a group of friends. At some point she walks away and I realized that something about her looked like it stunk. sounds stupid but something stuck to my mind! It was mental and nothing else. I still got a hard on when ever I would see her dark nips (she had what looked like sheer white skin, lol) showing through her sheer bra and shirt. Everytime she purposely played me close on the elevator and completely backed up into me while making room for others, I still got a chubby going BUT in more private settings…MENTAL.

    It was always “…but something about her looks stink…”. MENTAL. I probably lost out but mentally speaking I was stuck on some imagined stink.

    1. I see what you’re saying, haha. I can empathize. I didn’t really touch on that. You’re bringing up a really good point.

      There’s a chick that I’ve been attracted to, like, forever, except the problem is that we have mutual acquaintances that informed me WAAAAAAAY back in the day that she was a glue-sniffer. 🙂 HAHAHA Can you BELIEVE IT?… GLUE?!?!?! 😀 hahaha

      After I was informed of this, I would pay attention to the air around her and I’ll be damned if she didn’t OFTEN smell like GLUE, which I wouldn’t have noticed before and I wouldn’t have thought about as something that people do in order to get high.

      Now, I don’t care if people get high or not. I drink all the time, personally. However, with chicks, you have to be concerned that they put themselves mentally or physically out of commission (see picture of chick cold lampin’ in the street in a pile of garbage bags) and catch some ISH that either they don’t know they caught or they don’t want to TELL YOU they caught.

      This could lead to the exact same situation.. You’re *DYING* to slam the chick, but you know damned well that you’d be just as safe jumping into an actual cesspool up to your chest. Because of that, you would spend time with her and get horny off of that but you would strive to make absolutely certain that you never messed with her for fear that she’s toxic.

  3. HAHAHAHA…Just recently had this convo with a co-worker and I casually threw out that her man in question was GAY!

    1)He says he enjoys my company but he never tries anything. Hmmmm, maybe he is taken I said.
    2)He makes it a point to call me everyday. Hmmmm, maybe he doesnt want to destroy the friendship I said.
    3)He tells me when he thinks Im making a bad decision with other men. Hmmmmm, maybe he feels you can do way better and that includes better than him I said.
    4)He always kisses me on the cheek and when I conviniently move my lips into place he apologizes for kissing me on the mouth. Hmmmm, maybe he didnt realize it was purposely done and tried to correct the situation I said.
    5)He doesnt complain about spending the whole day shopping with me. Hmmmm, maybe he is gay I said…

    2 weeks later and one drunken confessional session and it turns out he was (wait… ok ok waaaait…) Gay.

    I didnt say it in a negative manner, I had just run out of excuses for him and his behavior.

    1. lolol @ the shopping comment, haha 😀

      #4 has serious potential, though. I’ve found it funny for years that as much as women swear on a stack of bibles on “Women’s Intuition”, they have absolutely no clue a) whether a particular guy is interested in THEM, and b) whether that guy’s interested in females AT ALL.

      It’s really crazy and actually a major disadvantage for women. The reason it makes sense is that guys in this society are trained to act like they don’t like women. You’re supposed to go to work and act like you don’t want to **** the chick sitting three cubicles over from you. You’re supposed to go to a party and act like you’re not enjoying the chicks dancing. Because they have dudes busy running around acting like pussies every day, women don’t get used to how it feels to be around a guy that actually WANTS them.

      Since all women want is attention anyway, they get the same experience from being around hetero dudes that are scared to touch them, God Forbid KISS them on the lips!!! :O, and being around homo dudes that wouldn’t screw her if her life depended on it.

      Meanwhile, since dudes are always on the lookout for horny chicks, it’s pretty obvious when a chick’s sweating you and you can hook up with her… Assuming she can get past the social stigma clouding her brain and do what she actually feels like doing.

      I used to find it funny. Now, it’s just pathetic. It’s bad enough to listen to chicks telling you they’re dating some guy that’s just a ******* Herb. It’s even worse when you know damned well that the guy they think they’re in a relationship with isn’t even interested in chicks and she’s off on some fantasy adventure all by herself until the rubber meets the road and she finds out what time it REALLY is.

  4. I actually believe that numbers 1-4 are valid. I know guys who have played the roles numbered. I know guys that love the freedom of the friendship, calls everyday the same exact way he does with almost all his important friends, and will do all thats necessary to keep a friend from doing the wrong thing. Unfortunately, when females get their blinders on they assume its behavior thats exclusive to them. If they took 2 seconds to really think about it, they would notice that those were traits that attracted them in the first place BECAUSE those were patterns of behavior that are native to his personality.

    As for number 4… I couldnt agree with you more about how society influences how we react to certain situations. I myself have apologized on several occasions for kisses that went astray only to find out afterwards that it was intentional. Part of the problem is that women by nature tend to play it coy and almost be aloof to the point that we assume its a NO GO and when THEY decide to invite us in, it catches most of us off guard.

    Of course if he is gay… well, theres a very good chance they “knew” it was the case but continued to believe that instead of gay he was just so in touch with “HER” feminine side that they must be soul mates.

    1. The actual problem is that society is cycling down to the point where neither guys nor gals can tell when the other one “Ain’t About Shit”.

      Because you have so many single-parent families, girls aren’t being taught how to be women, and MUCH LESS, ladies. While they’re losing touch with their natural feminine charms, they’re also being trained to be guys. Do everything guys do. Be everything guys are. They spend all their energy trying to be us instead of being themselves because there IS NO “themselves” because what they should have inherited from their mothers and grandmothers wasn’t passed down because mom had to spend all her time working and leaving her daughter in daycare with other idiots that don’t know anything about training young girls properly.

      Meanwhile, she also has no consistent or respected father figure in her life, so she doesn’t learn how to interact with men NATURALLY. She learns from what she’s TOLD by other women who either have real experiences with men OR ARE JADED from their experiences and feed all this bullshit to little girls because they’re bitter and angry and misery loves company.

      So what you have is females that grow up thinking they’re these androgynous beings and that guys are too.. That basically, there’s no difference between guys and girls whatsoever. This is why so many women have no clue whether a dude actually likes girls or not because they don’t have any experience whatsoever with dudes that will **** them 5 minutes after meeting them for the first time in life and then tell her he likes her sister’s ass. Basically, if you don’t know what “night” is, you can’t properly describe “day”.

      I was walking in NYC with a woman from another country who was 25 years old and it started snowing. She was happy as a clam because she had seen snow on television, but never experienced it. This is similar to what happens when these girls who don’t understand the actual range of male physicality finally hook up with a guy that ENJOYS handling women and KNOWS THE **** what to do with them to show them a good time.

      Meanwhile, these dudes are being raised so SCARED TO ******* DEATH to touch girls that it’s absolutely pathetic. These are the dudes in the mix that these chicks hook up with and THINK they’re experiencing the male range and they’re not.

      This is also why so many women have no clue whether a guy likes girls or not because in the females’ experience, both sets of guys act and carry themselves like eunuchs.

      As far as playing it coy, women don’t have much choice. If they make any aggressive moves, these eunuchs are going to label them whores and then they won’t get any dates other than maybe brief hookups. It’s in their best interests to keep what they want under the hat until they’re in the presence of a dude that’s a) not going to judge them for being sexual people and wanting to have sex, and b) is going to handle that business for them and send them happily on their way, and c) is going to keep it on the QT and keep they business out tha street.

      So the winning move is to either go for what you want or tell her directly that you know who she is and what she wants and that you’re down with it if SHE is.

      1. I’ve heard lots of guys say this, that “women are lost and it really isn’t our fault.” That we think we are supposed to be hunters and gatherers when we are neither.
        The end result is a female identity crisis caused by mis-education.
        Good points you make.

        1. It’s really a collective issue, but ends up falling more on women’s shoulders because y’all are the choosers. Guys throw our hats in the ring and y’all decide whether to get with whatever program we’re offering or not.

          Whether guys take any actions or not, our focus remains the same.. We approach women we like. This is primarily done visually and then branches out from there to other traits.

          Women, OTOH, can’t tell anything about a guy from his physical appearance, which is why y’all were completely thrown off by “Metrosexuals”. All of your information about what it means when a guy acts or dresses a certain way went out the window because both groups (interested, yet timid around women AND not interested in women at all) started carrying themselves exactly the same way.

          If you’re indoors with no windows, you’ll react (or not) to daytime the same way you’ll react to nighttime. Y’all don’t have any actual experience with men to know how they are from being around them.. You just follow cues that other uninformed people passed along to you.

  5. So what are you trying to say you think that guys should have sex with a girl before he marries her…like he should know what he’s dealing with before marriage??

    1. Hi Jade. 🙂 Thanks for the comment.

      Sex Before Marriage is a Chicken & Egg issue. If you live in a society where it’s normal for guys to not hook up with chicks before marrying them, you get married very early… then divorced, then remarried so you can hook up with a different chick, then divorced, then married, then divorced…

      Other than that, I don’t see how a chick’s even going to get the TITLE of “Girlfriend” without having sex with a dude. I mean guys SAY she’s his girlfriend, but if she’s not hannlin’ tha biznezz, he’s going to hook up with whatever chicks are down with the program.

      If you think about it.. What sense does it make to make a decision on the chick you want to have sex with for the rest of your life… WITHOUT having sex with her? 😀 C’Mon, Son! :/ What if it’s wack? What if you don’t like the sex? Then what? You’re going to keep having sex with some chick that doesn’t turn you on? Nope. You’re gonna meet other chicks that you LIKE having sex with and you’re gonna do that…. Which defeats the point of getting married in the first place.

      OTOH.. Some guys want to marry chicks that don’t give it up because they ASSUME that she’s a virgin and they’re going to be the only one to have hit it which makes him good at sex in comparison to….. NOBODY because she never hooked up before. It’s good for controlling a chick, since you’ll be her only orgasmic source and it’s good for avoiding STDs if you don’t intend to use condoms with her.

      Of course, the risk you run is that once she DOES get some, she’s going to want more than you’re giving her and/or become curious as far as whether it’s better or worse with other guys so you might be creating more of a problem than you’re solving by marrying and ******* a chick that never had sex until she was 28 years old, so… \o/

  6. What about females that wont kiss you. And im not talking about wont kiss you because they are not interested im talking about chicks that will hook up with you but refuse to kiss? i never understood this and have observed that it happens mostly with black women in my experience.

    1. Ill let Bill answer this but one thing I have learned/been told: Some people actually feel that an exchange of fluids via kissing is actually more intimate and personal than bodily penetration by a latex covered instrument.

  7. She doesn’t feel a deep attraction for him in that way I think that’s why she won’t kiss him. Thanks for the comment Bill. In my opinion persons should respect each other in a relationship and sex before marriage makes things complicated.

    1. Agreed on both points, Jade. However.. Reality Ensues and being that the only thing that separates girlfriends from friends is sex, the issue will remain in the front of people’s minds…

  8. What if he tried to somewhat kiss you the first time your together but never succeded fully? I had let it go thinking he would want to kiss again eventually. He also touched more at the onset now it seems like its all me giving & touching. I know that I’m a very passionate kisser and if he were to truly try he would know this.
    Anyhow, I thought enough time had passed~so after an intimate moment, last night, we were cuddling so I began to tenderly kiss his neck, ear, chin and gently his lips….twice. Nadda so at that point I was hurt, got up and left. Also should add that he is not very considerate about my pleasure as he was the first few times.
    Im thinking he doesnt want to open up to me for fear of being hurt. He was up front about not wanting to date etc I told him I was ok with that (hes in the process of a divorce) He is very honest & just when I do give up he will do things to keep me wanting him.

    1. Hey Angela. 🙂

      What do you mean “Didn’t succeed fully in kissing you?” haha Does that sound like a situation a guy would enjoy repeating? 😀

      In attempting to decipher your second paragraph, I take it to mean that you had sex with him but he didn’t kiss you. That’s not part of everybody’s repertoire. It’s not like in the movies, where everything progresses from holding hands to lightly kissing to making out to a trail of clothes on the floor leading to the bedroom… Some people kiss when they **** and some don’t.

      Having said that, it doesn’t sound like he’s romantically interested in you. It seems like you’re going to have to decide whether you want to keep getting the same treatment from him or bounce and hook up with someone else.

  9. Dear Bill,

    I came across your blog when i tried looking for an answer to a problem. I have flown over to visit a friend, a guy i met online..and had been talking to for years of and on. We met, hit it off very passionately..as in had sex. as this has been a long time brewing. I stayed with hem for 4 days and 3 nights. but never again had he touched me sexually or kissed me since after the first evening. When i arrived he told me that he had split from his ex 2 months ago but that he ended it and wasnt really looking for anything… and since i didnt even know that there was a recent ex, that shook me some, as i hadnt planned on becoming an international bootycall or something. But due to our chemistry..i was weak and went for it..thinking..well if i cant have his heart for now..I might as well leave happy ‘somewhere else’ ;-)..

    But he never touched me since!!..How could the man pass up on a nice big round booty, big luscious boobs..like that. I looked great!. but felt rejected. he distanced himself..but later in the weekend made a few little moves to come closer to me (sit closer next to me, he smiled at me everytime our eyes met..a certain smile..the kind you get when someone likes you..or i am seeing ghosts or something..but it vibed differently)..but still..no kisses, carressing or whatever. Just him crawling up against my booty at night..(with nothing happening)..

    what do you think happened there? Because i am confused as hell..


    1. Hey Justine. 🙂

      Off the bat, two potential problems come to mind.

      a) He didn’t like the sex.
      b) He didn’t like your reaction to the sex.

      I find that women tend to forget, dismiss, or just not bring up the things that they do and say, SURROUNDING sex events.

      Let’s say a dude’s into quiet sex, but the chick is all running her mouth about “AYE PAPI!” and “OH YEAH, JUST LIKE THAT! :D”.. As much as he might have enjoyed the physicality of the sex and liked how her body feels and how she looks and her face and hair and all that, he might not be willing to go through that again. The ends don’t justify the means.

      Sometimes, guys like chicks that move a lot and she doesn’t. Sometimes, guys like chicks that don’t move, and she does. There are lots of things that can go wrong in what seems to be a perfectly successful sexual encounter, even though both people got off.

      Also, the (typical) way that you’re talking about this event, “have his heart”, “I was weak”, indicates that you may have had some strange conversations with him surrounding the event.

      If dudes want to hook up with a chick and figure she’s a grown-ass woman that knows what she wants and goes for it, nobody’s trying to hear that bait & switch garbage about relationships and marriages and “hearts”.

      Ain’t that type-a party.

      At the same time, just because a guy doesn’t wanna stick it, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you as a person, like how you look, like to spend time with you, maybe even hug you and make out with you, but actually getting to the nitty gritty isn’t worth his time or effort or what he’s going to have to suffer through after the fact, listening to plans that you want to talk about that he never had any intention of getting involved in.

      Ultimately, you’re going to have to ask HIM what the deal is if you want any chance of knowing the real deal. There’s probably a 50% chance that he’ll actually tell you what he sexually thinks of you, so it’s worth a try for your own peace of mind.

  10. Thank you for your insight Bill..

    I did ask him..He mentioned to me that he did love us being together..and he mentioned twice that he wanted me to come back and visit him again. But he couldnt offer me more than friendship because he was recently out of a relationship and didnt want one now.

    The thing was that his language before we met..was always *us*..Yeah , I know you are rolling your eyes about now. And I am really not that dumb, but in our recent conversations he gave off a more sincere vibe.

    But you know what..No matter how hard it is, I do have a feeling that you are right.

    It could may well be that he didnt like the sex or how i reacted to it or whatever. Even if I wasnt loud at all..But maybe the ‘yes baby’, was enough to kill it. (in that case I dont even want a weak ass like that)

    A guy friend told me..that it might be that he’s way more sensitive than I thought at first and that maybe his feelings from the ex rushed back in. Because a guy doesnt have any difficulties nailing a woman all weekend if he hasnt got any feelings for her.

    But you know..usually the simplest answer is the closest to the truth..and often the hardest to hear.

    I mean..if after all that time, he never felt he wanted to touch me again.. It simply has to mean that he just was not attracted to me in that way. He simply lost his initial desire after he was relieved of his urges.

    And I don’t want a guy who doesnt desire me. It was just confusing to figure out or to accept the truth. But my guess is that that has been the case and he just couldnt say it.

    So it’s all good now. I have learned something new. We aren’t in contact anymore..and silence is the great storyteller..So thats the end for me.

    Thank you 🙂
    Have a nice weekend

    1. First of all, Justine, there’s no reason to believe that dude’s telling you the truth about whatever his motivations are.

      Let’s say a chick just wasn’t my physical type. What are you gonna say? 😀 “No thanks.. I’m not into that type of ass”? hahaha No, you’re going to make up SOMETHING ELSE that makes her feel better about herself and achieves the same outcome = you don’t have to hit it.

      As far as feelings for his ex coming back, that’s possible, but that should have been what he said, instead of “I don’t want to be in a relationship right now”.

      Also, “feelings for an ex” aren’t usually going to stop a guy from wanting to have sex with another chick that turns him on. He should have said something like he felt like he was cheating on his ex when he was with you, or that he still only feels like having sex with his ex.

      Ultimately, communication is key in relationships. Y’all can either inform each other of what’s going on so you’re on the same page, or you can’t. If you’re not talking now, you’re right.. That’s the main information you need right now.

      Also, Keep in mind that some guys are only interested in hooking up with a chick one time, because after that, you already know you can get it, so what’s the point? \o/

      It’s like the chase and the game are the important part, not the actual sex.

      I’m not saying that’s what happened here. I’m just saying that women need to be aware that there are guys whose demeanor changes entirely after the fact, and it has nothing to do with her and everything to do with him, because that’s the way his body works.

  11. Hi Bill,

    Really pathetic, but I googled a question on this topic & found your blog. I’m 22 & worked with a guy (little bit older) for a few years & since last year he really started to show an interest in me. By that I mean flirting, complimenting me (even in front of others) & chatting to me late at night on bbm (juvenile, but still exciting). He would say things like I’m hot, sexy, pretty, ask if I were single, I’m ‘teasable'(he always teased me) & the list goes on. He would even get jealous when other guys would pay me too much attention. Everyone would tell me that he liked me & that I should go for him.

    Honestly I did like him – or at least I thought about him so often that I started to think I liked him – really liked him. At first I wasn’t attractive to him, but because he was arrogant, strong and teased me so often I really started to want him (weird I know, but I found him interesting)- but I never showed it. I have that problem – I play hard to get, like to be a ‘closed book’, I’m very fussy, opinionated & even though I feel many things, I never say it & battle to show it because I like my space.

    Anyway he told everyone that he was leaving the country – to study (something religious) and so the other night at his farewell I knew it would be my last chance, to at least kiss him. That night he stared at me while giving his goodbye speech & had this gentle, but I like you & want you, look. I heard my colleague talking to him,telling him to talk to me & said that we would make a good looking couple etc, but then he said that he showed interest but I didn’t want anything to do with him & showed no interest in him – which I knew he was thinking. So… then I finally got him alone & said that I wanted to say goodbye to him properly & came forward to hug him, in that moment we came really close to kissing & we were both smiling while he looked at my mouth & it was all close up stuff..then some how it turned into a hug that lasted a good couple of minutes… moving from side to side rubbing backs all that. Afterwards I said it… “Can I kiss you..” & then he said, “no” – quickly, short & I can’t even remember how we both exited the room. In the car I turned my back to him, I didn’t look at him & moved abruptly when his arm touched mine. When he got out the car he high-fived all the guys & then turned to me & in an awkward way moved his hands and then softly slapped mine, while I faced the other way.

    That’s it… he’s phone is off, I deleted my facebook, tried leaving a tweet but neither of us follow each other – don’t know if he saw it, so no way to ask him why he said no after all that lovey-dovey crush talk. I’ve come to all sorts of conclusions – he rejected me because I constantly rejected him, he doesn’t want to complicate anything & there was no point, he knew we both had a few drinks, he thought someone would see… I just don’t know. But it hurts, because I’ve never ever been that forward. I can’t believe nothing ever happened 🙁 I know this blog was written in 2009.. but I have no idea why he said that and I need some help!

    Thanks so much!

  12. Oh typing error… I meant “attracted” instead of “attractive” in my second paragraph (line two). Hehe changes the entire meaning.. 🙂

    1. Hey Kel. 🙂

      Thanks for sharing that.

      The first thing that stands out for me in your story is “Anyway he told everyone that he was leaving the country – to study (something religious)”.

      UUUUUUUUUUUSUALLY… 😀 … When people go to another country to study something religious….. They’re usually…. *Religious*. o_O

      Contrary to popular belief, there are lots of guys who actually WILL NOT hook up with chicks because some aspect of their religion prohibits it.

      I’m not saying this is definitely what happened, but traveling to another country is extreme.. Especially if he’s going to be out of the country for the next two years.

      In fact, if he was going to be gone for a long time and had hooked up with you and liked it, he would have been SOL and distracted from his studies.

      It was really smarter for him not to mess with you before he left.

      I’m sure y’all have mutual friends… If he wants to pick the situation back up, he will.

      I wouldn’t take it personally, if I were you. It sounds like he was interested, but he just didn’t tell you why he wouldn’t act on his interest.

  13. Seriously that comment about having sex before marriage is so lame forreal…this is why young girls think that they have to “give it up” to keep a dude which is not true…I’m 21 and a virgin and I am not ashamed of that….and while might not wait till marriage there is no way that I am going to have sex with a guy just so he can see what he is getting himself into…..yea that is a lame statement

    1. Hey Cassandra. 🙂 Thanks for the comment.

      Congratulations on sticking to your personal beliefs (re: virginity). 🙂

      You should be proud of yourself, not for being a virgin, but for doing what YOU wanted to do, regardless of what society attempts to pressure you to do.

      I think you’re doing the right thing for yourself, and I wouldn’t suggest to a chick that she SHOULD do one thing or another if a guy wants to have sex with her.. that’s HER decision, and it has nothing to do with me.

      I will inform y’all that if dudes aren’t getting it from you, they’re trying to get it from somewhere else, unless they’re involved with that same “waiting for someone special to have sex with” style.

      This leads a lot of gals to be disappointed when they find out their “boyfriend” has been getting all the sex he wants while he was waiting for her to get with the program.

  14. I’ve been out with a man I met online 5 times and he hasn’t tried to kiss me yet. He opens my doors, pays for everything, etc, so I’m pretty sure he views our dates as dates. What is happening?! I’m a fairly attractive girl and I flirt with him for encouragement.

    1. Hi Sarah. 🙂

      Well.. It definitely sounds like y’all are “dating”. 🙂

      I don’t know what you mean by he hasn’t kissed you.. Kissed you on the cheek? Kissed you on the lips? Passionately kissed you?

      If it’s none of the above, then he might be paranoid that you aren’t into PDA (public displays of affection) and you won’t accept more invitations from him to spend time together if he accidentally offends you.

      Does he hug you at least?

      1. Thanks for the reply! He hasn’t kissed me at all! On the last date I went in for a quick peck but it ended up half on the mouth, half on the cheek, not sure what happened there. I finally got a hug on the 4th and 5th dates. There’ve been opportunities where the kiss would be non PDA. I want to ask him about it but I worry that will just make it all awkward and me look like some kind of horndog?

  15. Random question…I’m a virgin so after reading some comments here about that, I thought I’d give you my dilemma to read about if that’s ok..

    some guy from grad school was pursuing me last year. we hung out for 3 weeks. to make a long story short, he knew I was very naive in the whole dating scene, and he told me outrageous things like “i think you’re amazing, and so hot”. honestly, I’m an average looking girl with a good body. he resisted very much to not take me out on a real date. he wouldn’t spend any money on me, apart from coming over to my place or driving me around to the beach so we could walk on it. even when I asked him to take me out, he resisted and eventually took me to a bar when everything else was closed by way of trickery. he lied to me about where we were going and we ended up there. he tried to make me feel badly about myself…and I stayed at the bar. we never had sex (I am a virgin and he knows that). BEFORE me, he dated this beautiful, high maintenance girl who he literally spent a lot of money on. SHE dumped him 2 weeks later.
    1. do you think he resisted spending money on me because he didn’t think I was very attractive?
    2. or do you think he resisted spending money on me because he got burned by the highly attractive girl who dumped him earlier?

    1. Bill I forgot to mention something: I did tell him that I had a bad experience with a guy just before him…the guy before him was not interested in a relationship with me or dating. he just wanted to get laid. anyway, I told the new guy that I thought it was because I wasn’t pretty enough to be his girlfriend. I am a good looking girl, but I’m worried that because I showed him an insecurity, he might’ve used it against me?

    2. Hey Amana. 🙂

      First of all, you don’t get to determine whether you’re hot or not TO HIM. 😀

      He may very well have been trying to game you, but he may have been telling you the truth as *he* sees it.

      Second.. People shouldn’t be able to make you feel poorly about yourself. Only you should be able to make yourself feel poorly. 😀

      As far as spending money, that’s part of a guy’s M.O. when he’s trying to get laid. You apparently informed him that you weren’t down with that, so there’s no reason he should have been spending money on you.

      How hawt he thinks you are has nothing to do with it. Guys don’t spend money on chicks just because they have nothing better to do and nothing better to spend their money on than a chick they aren’t hooking up with.

      As far as the attractive chick, he probably hit it and she didn’t tell you that. Therefore, he would have spent money on her. On the other hand, he may not have hit it yet and he was “leading with his wallet”, trying to make that happen.

      Either way, just because *YOU* think she’s hotter than you are doesn’t mean he believes the same thing.

      Ultimately, that’s the game you involved yourself in, here.. It was his job to try to get some and your job to avoid that. You avoided it.

  16. I met this Guy on a dating site First date was just a meet me date..to me it was love at first site of him in person.It lasted half a day I gave him a Peck on the lips.Just to say thank you as he gave me a gift..we talked by phone and e mail every day for two weeks..

    second date was wonderful..started with a hug and

    a Peck on the lips…it ended with a couple of pecks on the lips and a couple of big close hugs…why wount he kiss me like he means it or what is he waiting for..

  17. Hi.
    I met this guy.where are friends about 2 months.chating every day.and more and more.meeting one time in a week ot sometimes more. I sleept at his place 5 times.always in one bed.we sleaping in coudle.my face touching his face.he is holding my hand.touching me. But no sex. And also no kissing. Last time I slept with him I give him small kiss in the lips.like green light for him. But he just smiled.and nothing.

    P.s one night before that kiss i texted him that i missed him.first open text from me to him. And he texted me back with a kiss emotion. Hes was drunk.
    First time i met guy who is so slow.he is giving atention,asking me out. But not trying to kiss me.

    1. This is interesting, Ula. 🙂

      Either he isn’t physically interested in you at all, or like you said, he’s slow with this situation and enjoying your company and at some point intends to get down to the nitty-gritty. 😀

  18. Hey Bill,
    Bam! Your very last comment suggesting to Ula her guy was either not interested in a physical thing, OR he was taking time to enjoy time with her before gettin down to the risk of loving.
    I like your up-straight take on (kiss me or not )situations with your gut-minded knowledge. Thank you.
    I’ve been seeing a man I admire and respect for a little over a year. I know he likes me alot. He’ll pop up every 2 months or so, we’ll spend the whole day together talking, cooking, watching movies…long back he did sit on the couch and put his arm around me and then I asked if he thought our friendship might go somewhere. He became instantlty stunned and said he didn’t know how to answer the question. Then…no word for an ancient time, months…he pops up again and asks me if I’d like to be friends again. Yes, I did, n ever since we’ll spend hours together for a day, then no contact for another 6-8 weeks. Yes, he does hug me gently when I leave. He laughs, loves my humor, great converse, but no kiss. He doesn’t sit next to me on the couch anymore when we watch a movie. As you’ve suggested before, at some point I’ll need to ask, “What’s up?” If he responds, nothing, just want to be with a safe woman friend, It’ll hurt, because the buzz is on my mind, yet he doesn’t seem to buzz back…but I think he knows I could easily buzz him and would love his stinger. I saw him today, another

    great day, and left with his gentle hug, and I gave him a short but real good rib-pump. I cried long because I’m confused…hurting because I’d like some warmth some day and hope that Ula found her guy got real, and I’m curious if he’s ever going to get around the nitty gritty? Thanks for listening. Lisa

    1. Hey Lisa 🙂 Thanks for the comment.

      That’s a pretty interesting scenario.

      My guess would be that it depends on HIS relationship to YOU, which you don’t seem to understand yet because he never answered the question.

      If he’s compartmentalizing, he doesn’t want you to get too involved in the situation and “overdo it” so you take yourself out of the game by getting upset that he isn’t escalating the relationship.

      Meaning that he doesn’t want to risk not being able to spend time with you.

      On the other hand, he might be the type of person to get scared off when a gal seems like she’s getting “serious” with him. We don’t know what’s happened to him in his past with chicks that may have gotten too into him and then freaked out and did all kinds of wacko things! 😀 haha

      As far as the long periods of time between seeing him, I would have to guess that he has at least one steady chick and he’s seeing you when she isn’t available and he wants company.

      The straaaaaangest part is not sitting next to you on the couch anymore! 😀 haha You got me with that one! I don’t see the point of inviting a chick over so you can *NOT* be next to her, but C’est La Vie! 😀

      Good Luck!

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.