Sexual Tension

Sexual Tension isn’t something guys normally have to think about. It either exists or it doesn’t. It’s a feeling. It’s like being mad. You either FEEL mad at a particular time or you don’t…

Situations & Countermeasures

Bill Cammack

For me, sexual tension is entirely situational. I’m into a chick on a particular day at a particular time under particular circumstances or I’m not. There’s no across-the-board, long-term designation of whether I feel sexual tension for a chick or not.

Back in the day……. I met this chick that I felt IMMEDIATE sexual tension towards.. haha ok, that’s not the UNIQUE part of the story. 😛 ..

Over the years, I’ve had lots of legitimate reasons to say I was through being attracted to her. Some of them were personality-based, some were physicality-based, some were circumstantially-based, some were to stop myself from obsessing over her.. These all worked well enough until the next time I was f2f with her again (face to face) and then I’m sitting there going “Why the hell do I feel like ******* this *****?”

It was SO WEIRD, haha I had no tension at all until she was sitting right there in front of me. I thought I had “kicked” and then all my damned resolutions went out the window. I eventually figured out something that reader “Yota” said yesterday (meaning she SAID it yesterday, not I FIGURED IT OUT yesterday! :D):

Yota: “The attraction is still there, you’re right I may as well try to ignore the urge to go to the bathroom, but in this case it is something that while I can’t ignore, I can choose not to act on beyond the flirting that already goes on.”

So, basically, since I couldn’t mentally engineer my IRL sexual tension for this chick out of my system, I devised a workaround, which is to not trust myself to feel the same way when I’m around her as when I’m not around her. It was the only logical decision and it’s served me well! 😀 I implemented situation-based countermeasures which I’m not going to discuss because I still use them, hahaha Too Bad, So Sad! 😀

I *will* say that my countermeasures are mental and not physical, which means that under circumstances of excessive, *EXCESSIVE* alcohol consumption, it’s impossible for me to maintain focus on my unnatural goal of ignoring what I really want to do and all bets are off. I’m not happy about that, but it’s a fact.

Be clear that I’m *NOT* saying that alcohol is an excuse for my actions. I’m saying that because of my own choices to drink certain amounts, I’ve physically or perhaps chemically disabled my ability to remember to be unnatural. This is the exact OPPOSITE stance from people that say “I was drunk.. That wasn’t ‘me’ that did that”. When people are drunk, they do what they REALLY want to do because they forget not to. O_o

Just Say “No”

So, sexual tension exists or it doesn’t. There are lots of factors & parameters involved. You think a chick’s hawt or she isn’t. There’s some other reason you want to have sex with her (personality, wit, intelligence…) or there isn’t. She’s dating a friend of yours or she isn’t. She’s your boss or one of your clients or she isn’t. She’s your ex’s little sister or mother or she isn’t. She’s related to you or she isn’t. She’s some kind of puritanical fanatic that’s going to make hooking up with her equate to some kind of ceremonial undertaking that means you’re going to have to put in more work to GET RID OF HER than you put in to GET her… or she isn’t. 😀

Your two options, the way I see it are to elect to enact mental countermeasures or stay away from that person entirely. This is where a lot of guys in “committed” relationships get caught slippin’ because they think they can resist screwing chicks they really WANT, merely by utilizing their own willpower. In a lot of cases, these guys aren’t authorized to claim they’re not going to cheat because they’ve never been in a serious situation EVER in their entire lives. O_o

Let’s say your boyfriend thinks Natalie Portman’s the bee’s knees…

You can ask him today, tomorrow, next week and next year whether he’d tap Natalie and he’s always going to answer “No” or “HELLZ NO!” or “It’s all about YOU, honey” or some variation of that sentiment that’s going to keep him getting laid.

Meanwhile.. You know why he can say that with such confidence?… Because. Natalie. Portman. Never. Threw. It. At. Him. And. Probably. Never. Will! 😀

However.. What’s going to happen if he ends up in a situation where YOU’RE not there and he’s alone with Natalie and she’s tryin’na give him some?… He *MIGHT* scream out “STEP TO THE LEFT, NATALIE!!! I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND! YOU WON’T BE GETTING ANY OF THIS RIGHT HEEEEEERE!!!” *I’m crying!* 😀 OR, he might fold under the pressure of REAL sexual tension like he’s never experienced before in his entire dating career and “get in where he fit in”.

Nah Meen? haha Shoot First and Ask Questions LATER! 😀

Tension Relief

Some people think sexual tension’s relieved by “getting it over with”. That’s a pretty dumb idea but it works well as a gimmick for guys to get laid. “Let’s make it easier for us to be ‘friends’ by getting rid of our sexual tension” hahaha Yeah. Right! 😀 For guys, sexual tension is relieved when……. you don’t think the chick is sexy. Period.

Of course, if she gets back in shape or whatever caused you to not be physically interested in her, it’s back to square one! 😀

Unless you specialize in ONS (one night stands), like unless that’s the main thing that floats your boat about messing with chicks, there’s no such thing as “I hit that last week.. It’s out of my system now”. You’re either into her THIS WEEK, TODAY, RIGHT NOW or you’re not. I mean, imagine if that was how it actually worked. That would mean that the only time wives would get laid is on their honeymoons (assuming of course that that was the first time he had sex with her), because after that first time, having sex with her would be out of her husband’s system and he wouldn’t need to go back in other than to try to make kids.

Of course, Sexual Tension is completely different for women. There’s the societal pressure to not look “Easy” and get called all kinds of names. There’s the percentage chance that you might get pregnant even if you use birth control, whereas the chance that a guy will get pregnant is ZERO. There’s the chance that you’ll get emotionally hooked on a guy that doesn’t feel the same way about you.

It’s also different for women because for the most part, y’all are passive participants in the dating game. You’re active as far as making yourselves look good and staying in shape so guys WANT to kick it to you and you’re pivotally active during the decision-making process about how far the action goes but other than that, it’s up to the guy to do everything. This might seem like a luxurious position for a woman to be in, except I’m sure it’s rather frustrating when the guy she has tension for doesn’t have tension for HER, which many times results in hours of romance novel reading accompanied by the consumption of mass quantities of ice cream.

Personally, I’d rather have sexual tension that I elect (or am requested) not to act upon than not to have it at all. It’s fun. 🙂 It’s one of the rare circumstances where I’m not entirely sure what I’m going to do. I know what the codes and directives are, but I’m not sure I’m going to follow them. I pride myself on following my own self-imposed restrictions, but I still enjoy my body trying to convince me to do what I actually *WOULD* do in a perfect world…..

~ Bill Cammack | @BillCammack

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16 Comments

  1. Great Post! I was nodding my head yes through almost all of it.

    To quote you:

    “Of course, Sexual Tension is completely different for women. There’s the societal pressure to not look “Easy” and get called all kinds of names. There’s the percentage chance that you might get pregnant even if you use birth control, whereas the chance that a guy will get pregnant is ZERO. There’s the chance that you’ll get emotionally hooked on a guy that doesn’t feel the same way about you.”

    All of that is true, but it doesn’t negate the sexual tension that women feel. Rather those are some of the reasons we try to deny the sexual tension we *are* feeling. We don’t just deny it to the guy, but we try to deny it to ourselves too sometimes. i.e. “I’m already in a relationship, no way am I feeling anything for the hot delivery guy who always flirts with me” Yeah ok, and how big was that fish you caught ;).

    I think it’s much better to at least acknowledge it to yourself so you can take those mental steps to keep yourself in check when you need to.

    There’s a saying, guys come and go but girlfriends are for forever. They should add, and they remember and judge you on all your past relationships. They’re like elephants when it comes to who you hooked up with and what the circumstances were. If you get branded as easy or desperate or any of those other annoying demeaning titles when you were just out to have a good time, they tend to stick. And she won’t even ever say it to your face. BUT that’s the difference between true friends who will gossip about you with you, and frenemies who can’t wait to dish the latest dirt behind your back with her boyfriend, and her other best friends, and facebook, and well you get the picture.

    It’s a fine line, we’re allowed to have sex, or at least the social stigma associated with it is a lot less than say the victorian era or even the 50’s, but it has to be seen as part of a lasting relationship in order to be accepted. Anything less and all those names come up. So you have to weigh your desire to sleep with the hotty that you’re just friends with against the possiblity that your social circle is going to find out. Even some guys, while professing to be forward thinking, might think twice about you if you get branded negatively as treating sex the same way that guys do.

    On the other hand, It’s also hard to overcome social conditioning that starts practically at birth.

    1. Thanks, Yota. 🙂

      I think you bring up the EXACT difference between the two. When guys are into chicks…. we’re into chicks. There’s nothing extravagant about it. There is no “Oh.. If anybody we know sees me making out with this chick, I might be labeled a whore! :O” or any of that other garbage that’s been psychologically and systematically heaped upon women. It’s like Nike.. Just Do It. \o/ What’re they gonna say?.. “ooohhh… I saw Bill making out with some chick! :O”? Who hasn’t seen THAT?

      I agree with you that acknowledgement is much better, but it’s not that easy for women. Cognitive Dissonance is a BEYOTCH!!! 😀 The idea of “I’m not the kind of girl who _______” kicks y’all’s asses all day, every day. Women would be A LOT BETTER OFF if they would recognize that they ARE the kind of girl who would XYZ and look at themselves in the regular mirror instead of the funhouse mirror.

      Not that The Maury Show showcases the height of women’s achievements in America, but how many times have you seen a chick swear up and down that she knows FOR SURE that it’s 100% this guy’s kid because… wait for it… She. Didn’t. Have. Sex. With. Anyone. Else and then it turns out that this guy isn’t the father? O_o What’s she going to say now? There’s no match. He is NOT the father. Which MEANS that either she was lying to the guy, lying to herself or was honestly completely unaware that some other guy went up in her. None of those are good.

      What she SHOULD have said was “I don’t THNK I had sex with anyone else around that time. THAT’S a fair statement. To be fair, guys say really stupid stuff too, like “I know I didn’t get her pregnant because I only hit it one time” or “I know the kid’s not mine because there were three other guys hooking up with her at the same time” or “I couldn’t be mine. I wasn’t in there long enough” or some other retardation.

      We have the same saying as “guys come and go but girlfriends are for forever”, except it’s way more efficient. “Bros before Hoes”. 😀

      That’s an interesting point you bring up about women’s memory for their girlfriends’ relationship career stats. It’s also true that the stigma remains even if it’s not mentioned to the gal’s face. I have a friend whom everybody thinks is easy. Whether that’s true or not is of no consequence! HAHA but she introduced me to a gal that was concerned that she’d look easy because of guilt by association. I suppose that’s yet another level of pressure heaped upon gals not to make their girlfriends look cheap.

      Facebook’s a pretty interesting arena, now that you bring it up. When things are starting out and things are good, people are in a rush to ANNOUNCE TO THE WORRRRRLLLDDD that they’re dating somebody, hahaha then a few months later, when it’s all over, they try to do Revisionist History and act as if they never spent time with that person at all. It’s really retarded. 😀 Live by the sword….. \o/

      As far as accepting sex outside of being part of a lasting relationship, that’s one of the issues that starts the snowball rolling down the hill. Since chicks like to front until you tell them you’re in an exclusive relationship with them, you just TELL THEM you are and do what you always do anyway. Simple. This way, they give it up like they’re supposed to and you still have your other girls and the new girls you’re meeting. If the chick that’s supposedly in a relationship with you finds out you’re hooking up with other chicks…. um… who cares? You already have more chicks. PAYCE! 😀

      Without the pressure to be in a relationship, there wouldn’t be the pressure to lie about relationships. Guys could just announce that they think a chick’s hawt and she can either get down with the program or not. That’s exactly what I mean. Guys have to involve themselves with the games women play with themselves in their own heads.

      What might be the funniest thing about that is the cascading levels of commitment. Don’t have sex with him until you’re married.. Don’t have sex with him until you’re engaged.. Don’t have sex with him until he promises to marry you.. Don’t have sex with him until he’s your boyfriend.. Don’t have sex with him until he’s seeing you exclusively.. Don’t have sex with him before the fourth date, not including “date zero” HAHAHAHA It’s so ridiculous. Whatever level assures acceptance without name-calling is what guys have to get to to receive what the chick wanted to give them the first time she ever met him. *yawn*

      The “guys thinking twice” issue is a good point as well. In general, you don’t want to have more of a relationship to a chick than other guys are known to have had or else you look like a sucker. 😀

      Like, if a chick’s known (or at least suspected, as we’re discussing) to get around, a guy’s going to be less likely to admit messing with her at all, much less actually going out with her like boyfriend/girlfriend. It’s like “Why is he doing all this for her when he could have done so much less and gotten the same thing the rest of us did?”. You just look desperate when you end up dating the “group slide” or “community property”. 🙂 It’s even WORSE when you already KNEW what time it was for her and you STILL decided to make it official.

      I’ve seen a few guys go out like that and I have to say it was probably the best thing they could have done for themselves. There’s no doubt that they got the most sex they ever had in their lives from those chicks, so it was worth having guys laughing behind your back because you got sprung on some *****.

      But yeah, for the most part, guys will still hook up with these chicks, they just won’t tell anybody they did and they’ll deny it vehemently if they’re ever directly asked about it. 😀

      As far as social conditioning, I think that’s what bothers me the most. Altogether too many girls aren’t brought up to use their minds. This is a residual of the time when women weren’t going to have jobs ANYWAY, so the best thing you could do for them was teach them how to look good and be good homemakers and party hosts so the guy with the JOB and the MONEY would marry her and get her off of her father’s payroll. Those times are over now. It’s time to stop ignoring girls’ mental development and start trying to even out the playing field. It’s time to start feeding them reality instead of pure fantasy. All this “Kiss the frog and it turns into a prince” stuff is setting y’all back to square one with every new generation.

      Excellent points, Yota. 🙂

      1. so is it fair to say that this type of social conditioning is the reason that its much easier for a guy to hook up when he is traveling or lives in a bigger city like NY or CHI or LA? if a chick senses that word of her actions with you are unlikely to reach her social circle then is she more likely to act on the sexual tension between you??

        1. Yes. That’s absolutely 100% correct.

          There’s no chance that her church group is going to find out what she did on her trip to Australia. If the exact same guy lived locally to her, she’d have the anxiety that the information might eventually leak, which causes women a lot of pressure.

          Because of societal issues, like being called whores for instance, women tend to overthink physical situations and mentally project into the future. “Would I enjoy doing this right now” isn’t good enough. You have to add “Who might find out?” and “Does he know any guys that I want a LTR with?” and “Are any of my girlfriends going to be mad at me that I kicked it with him?” and “I don’t want my friends to know I like guys like him” and “I’ll never be able to control him and make him my boyfriend after giving it up” and all kinds of other retarded considerations that have nothing to do with whether she thinks you’re hawt and she feels like hooking up with you.

          This goes out the window when you’re physically removed from their home territory. ‘What happens in Vegas”, right? 😉 It’s not that it “stays in Vegas”, but rather that a lot of people that don’t live within thousands of miles from each other go to the same place to party. One fake name or no name at all and whatever you did stays buried in the desert with no way to come back to you.

          Men mess with women with zero societal consequences all day, every day. For a woman to mess with a man without having to worry about stigma, paparazzi, tabloids & local gossip for once in her entire life, you can imagine & understand why it would be ON & POPPIN’ when she gets a chance to hook up with a guy she really likes that’s going to become literally a ghost the second their planes take off, carrying them in different directions…

    2. Your advice to women is contradictory. “Just acknowledge that you’re down with the program…or not” and forget the relationship stuff? Well, why would we do that when you just said yourself:

      “Like, if a chick’s known (or at least suspected, as we’re discussing) to get around, a guy’s going to be less likely to admit messing with her at all, much less actually going out with her like boyfriend/girlfriend. It’s like “Why is he doing all this for her when he could have done so much less and gotten the same thing the rest of us did?”. You just look desperate when you end up dating the “group slide” or “community property”. 🙂 It’s even WORSE when you already KNEW what time it was for her and you STILL decided to make it official.”

      That’s why women have all these “”Don’t have sex with him until you’re married.. Don’t have sex with him until you’re engaged.. Don’t have sex with him until he promises to marry you.. Don’t have sex with him until he’s your boyfriend.. Don’t have sex with him until he’s seeing you exclusively.. Don’t have sex with him before the fourth date, not including “date zero”

      If you could change the way guys responded (as you nicely summarized above), then you might be able to change women’s behavior. But why would we change to give you what you want (sex) with no strings attached when it’s most likely to result in us getting less of what we want (relationships)? I would argue that until men feel great about having a relationship with and marrying women that have been with a LOT of men, there is no chance women are going to be more sexually permissive. In fact, things are starting to shift to be more old school even in NYC since women are figuring out that the sexual revolution had some unintended consequences (mainly, having sex on men’s terms to compete in a crowded market).

      1. Another excellent point by Sophia, haha Bravo! 😀

        There’s going to be a reason why my comments are going to sound contradictory. When I’m writing the actual blog post, I try to write about the average Joe or Josephine. When it gets to the comment section, I’m often freestyling and speaking from my own perspective. Four years down the line is very late for me to notice this because you pointed it out. I’ll see what I can do about that.

        The reason that makes a difference is that most guys.. chicks just don’t like them. Period. Most guys have to figure out ways to make women feel like hooking up with them. For me, every now and then, a chick just likes me and then I decide whether I’m going to mess with her or not.

        The problem this creates in giving out advice to women is that I have a different perspective on females where I get to see them holding back on what *THEY* want in order to try to procure some kind of guarantees from me. Yes, I want the exact same thing they do, but they’re not frontin’ on ME.. They’re frontin’ on THEMSELVES. I’ve gotten raps while I was playing video games. I’ve gotten raps while I was standing still doing nothing. It’s very clear to me when a chick wants to mess with me, and that’s before she knows my name or anything else about me.

        This is why, speaking as myself, I would say “Stop frontin’ and just be yourself. If you’re interested, say so and that’s it”. However, thinking about the average interaction between males & females, you’re right that the guys are the ones that want the sex and the girls are the ones that want the relationships, so just making it known that she likes a guy isn’t going to get her the relationship she’s after.

        Having said that, I feel that a woman’s power is internal. I know women who know what they want and strive to make that happen. The only people calling them “sluts” are the women whose men are getting borrowed. The guys know that the gal stepped to them of her own personal power and they got down with with HER program. So I don’t feel that a gal saying what she wants physically from a guy overrides her personal power, if she has any to begin with.

        As far as the way guys respond, I think it’s really stupid, personally. I said back in November 2008 “There’s nothing a guy loves more than a girl who gives it up… except… there’s nothing a guy hates more than a girl who gives it up. :/”. We saw it on “Jersey Shore” just now. Pauly was talking about these chicks that they couldn’t get in the hot tub and he says “They’re not whores”, instantly demeaning all the other girls they pulled that summer. So the chicks were good enough to mess with, but they’re whores for hooking up with the guys so quickly. Makes no sense to me. 😀

        So, unfortunately, the advice depends on who the gal is and who the guy is. If she likes him regardless of whether they’re in a relationship or not, she should stop frontin’. If she’s not feelin’ him, but would like to be in a relationship with him, hold out on the sex and see what you can get. If she has her own internally-based personal power, she can tell a guy what she wants and still get respect from him whether she gets it or not. If she doesn’t have any personal power, she’s probably going to end up as the back-seat driver regardless.

  2. Your comments that I quoted were together in the SAME text block below your blog post as though they somehow didn’t mean the exact opposite of each other. So I’m not sure what you mean about your freestyling section vs. your actual blog post. What I think you’re trying to say is that bc a lot of guys don’t get laid, they have these antiquated views about sluts that you, as enlightened, don’t have. That’s bs in my personal experience. I’ve dated a lot of guys who are alpha males & sometimes because they’ve had so many girls who swoon over them, they think girls are even easier / sluttier than average Joe and are looking even harder for a girl who won’t give in / be so easily swayed by their charms.

    1. What I’m saying is that it’s my fault that I drift between my personal experience of life and the average joe’s experience in life when I’m not forcing myself to write a blog post from one particular perspective. I’m not saying that I don’t contradict myself. I’m explaining why that happens.

      My goal, most of the time, is to inform people how to interact with average people, because thats who people normally meet… Average people. Most guys aren’t going to get to kick it to top-level girls and most girls aren’t going to get to kick it to top-level guys, so I try to keep it middle of the road. What you’ve pointed out is that I need to figure out what I’m going to do about wanting to comment from a “That’s they way I see life” perspective and then a “This should work on the average Joe” perspective. It’s going to be confusing. I get that and appreciate that you pointed that out.

      I’m not saying the mainstream viewpoint of what makes a female a slut is incorrect. I’m saying it doesn’t register to me. Do I think chicks are easy? Hellz Yah! 😀 Unfortunately, guys are even easier for girls to pull, so it’s not like guys have some kind of advantage in that area.

      I’m not saying I’m enlightened or have a better grasp on who’s a slut and who isn’t than anybody else. For me to care if a chick is easy, it would have to make a difference to me WHY she wants to give me some. Who cares? 😀

      Perhaps your experience in life is different, but I’ve never heard a guy tell me that he asked a chick WHY she wanted to hook up with him. That’s like asking a porno movie “Why are you on that shelf?”.. Who cares? The movie’s on the shelf or it isn’t. The chick is interested or she isn’t. If she isn’t, then her friend is or her mother is or none of them are and it’s just one of those days. 🙂

      If we focus on the specific subset of guys that are LOOKING for girlfriends/wives/etc, easy isn’t good. Guys like to feel like there’s something about them that made her feel like giving it up. That doesn’t mean that they ASK HER what that is, but they want to feel like they did something special by pulling her.

      They also want to feel like it’s going to be tough for the next man to screw their woman once they’re in a relationship with her. This is because guys are lazy and scared to death that their woman’s going to go behind their backs because they have no idea why she’s with them in the first place. That’s why it’s called “Getting Lucky”.

      So the easier a chick is to hook up with, she’ll be perceived with less and less value. I understand that completely from an “I’m trying to get a wife” standpoint. I DO NOT understand that from the “Jersey Shore”, “I’m just trying to hook up with chicks over the summer” standpoint. If you’re trying to have fun and she is too, why can’t guys just respect that and stack up good memories?

      On top of that, guys are demeaning their own accomplishments by calling the girls they pull “whores”. They’re basically saying that anybody that would have been there at the specific time that that chick got horny would have gotten laid. That may or may not be true. I don’t see the benefit or the logic in labeling all the girls that you hook up with by derogatory terms.

      As far as the Alpha Male situation, don’t you figure guys get USED TO women throwing themselves at them? Don’t you think they figure out how it feels? It’s not like these chicks are successfully hiding the fact that they want to hop on this guy right now. That’s why I was saying they may as well stop fronting when they’re in a situation where they’re obviously sweating the dude. Even if their goal is to be in a relationship with him, they’re still transparent.

      Put it this way. If you’re starving and you walk in a pizza shop obviously starving and ask the guy how much a slice is and he says $2 and you’d rather pay $1 or get it for free, the whole time you’re negotiating, he knows you’re starving. He knows the difference between people that come to his store to eat who could take it or leave it and people that are in dire need of food right this instant. Whether he lets you barter or not has no bearing on how you appear to him.

      So chicks drooling over Alphas would be better off admitting that they’re starving instead of LOOKING starving and looking like they’re trying to conceal it. It’s a stronger position, even though it would appear that you’re giving your position away.. because your position’s ALREADY given away because he sees right through you.

      Isn’t it the same for females when y’all can TELL a guy wants to hook up with you but he tries to fake you out by taking the long way around and acting like he’s not interested? You see through him the whole time. You’d have more respect for him if he just brought the facts to your attention and worked from there.

  3. I don’t know what kind of girls you’re dealing with, but I don’t know any girls that can’t hide when they’re into a guy & want to sleep with him. As you said, girls are much better at social dynamics. Chances are you’re only picking up on the girls who are obvious about what they’re trying to do bc they want to be obvious or bc they aren’t very socially adapted in that arena. If there are girls who are good at hiding that they’re attracted to you in order to not appear like a slut or to feel out the situation, guess what? You’re not going to know. You didn’t know then and you don’t know now. I also don’t think there’s any harm in trying not to appear as though you want to fuck a guy — if you do, pretend not to, and guys see through it or you just announce, “I’d fuck you,” your average guy doesn’t care, as you said, she either wants to fuck you or not. But best case for the girl, which often happens, is the guy says, “oh she seems like she wants to fuck me but I’m getting all this contradictory behavior, who knows? Women are so confusing, i’d better be careful just in case.” and there you go, he’s playing your game.

  4. Also, I totally agree on the ‘i want a wife’ viewpoint vs the jersey shore viewpoint, why can’t guys just have fun & not demean women afterward? But they do. And this leads me to ask if you think what your argument implies is correct (that men have modes – ie, relationship mode vs hookup mode). Or do you think all men are open to a relationship at any point, but just with the right girl who they will settle down with? Because that’s what the jersey shore boys’ behavior points to in my opinion. My friends and I argue about this all the time, it was even in a Sex & the city episode. Basically one camp says men are like cabs, doesn’t matter how great you are, when the relationship/marriage light is off, you’re not getting in the cab. When the guy’s ready & his light comes on though, he picks up and gets info a relationship with the next person that comes along (that meets his criteria within reason of course). The other camp is that a guy can be a player who said he’d never settle down but when he meets that one woman, he changes his ways for her bc she’s so special. Jersey seems to indicate #2, what do you think?

    1. I made a new post for you: “Bill’s Contradictory Dating Advice”.

      Having been born and raised a male in the United States of America before they decided to feminize all the dudes and create an androgynous society for some odd reason.. My experience is that “Getting Girls” is something to do. It’s not the beginning of a process for selecting a future mate. It’s the expression of attraction and having that expressed back to you.

      As you get older and girls are told that they shouldn’t just sweat guys because that’s how they really feel, but instead should utilize the fact that guys like to get laid to their advantage by attempting to get money or relationships out of them, the game changes.

      This is where guys have to make their decision on whether they’re going to retire with the best girl they can get (Ronnie) or remain Hunters (Mike & Pauly).. or do nothing in particular (Vinny).

      The guys that decide they want one consistent girl go off the market immediately because there are so many women willing to do what they have to do to keep their man happy. The hunters and the do-nothings remain on the market either by choice or by ambivalence.

      There are short periods of time where guys who are interested in girlfriends reenter the market due to breakups. Since what they wanted was one reliable girlfriend to begin with, as soon as they find that again, they disappear again.

      I’ve now caught myself being vague and contradictory again, because what I just said only applies to guys that want girlfriends AND are fly enough to have the girls they want. For those “King of Queens” dudes that are nice guys and make enough money and just want to settle down with a chick, they might not be able to get that as gals are more ambitious than wanting to settle with the likes of them, so guys like that remain on the market, perfectly viable as boyfriends who want girlfriends, but not taken seriously by women because of what they are and aren’t bringing to the table.

      Speaking Personally, I’ve tried it. I’ve tried to BE the boyfriend type, however “What I Want” will always trump what someone else wants. There’s no way around this. It’s not that I don’t care about what she wants, it’s that I just can’t feel it. It just doesn’t matter. There’s no way I’m not going to mess with girl X because girl Y doesn’t like it.. Especially if girl X is genuinely interested in me and I’m feelin’ the situation at that moment in time.

      The only times when I’m committed to a gal is when I’m interested in what she wants more than I’m interested in what I want. Actually, that’s a basic friendship issue. A homeboy of mine wanted to kick it to this chick that wanted to kick it to me. Even though I knew there was no way he was gonna get on, I didn’t kick it with her so there wasn’t any question as far as what his life might have been if I had just butted out of his rap. He failed on his own, like I knew was going to happen because she was WAAAAAAY “out of his league”, but that’s the effect of friendship. You sacrifice what you want so someone else can be happy. To me, that’s the same feeling a guy needs to have if he’s seriously going to be in a relationship with a chick. He has to be more interested in what makes HER happy than what makes HIM happy.

      As far as changing ways, I believe that all relationships are individual occurrences. We all have a specific set of things that float our boats and turn us on or off. It’s all about the combination of those things and whether the pros outweigh the cons.

      Guys can say all day that they’d never commit as long as they never experience women they naturally feel like committing to and then it’s a totally different story. The issue is that (and I know this sounds strange coming from me, hahaha) lots of women have an overinflated sense of their own worth.

      Whatever it is that you’ve got.. However good you look.. However smart you are.. However much money you make.. However cultured you are.. However sweet your ass is… There’s always a chick in this town that trumps you in that particular area. The only thing that’s going to endear you to a guy is your UNIQUE qualities, not that you happen to shine in a few COMMON areas of female attractiveness or desirability.

      Ultimately, I don’t think the issue is what camp a guy claims to be in, settling down or not settling. I think it really comes down to your own ability to make him think what YOU want him to think. If you make him feel like if he passes you up, it’s all downhill from there, he might just forsake his plans and attempt to jump in for the long haul.

      1. And what exactly would those characteristics be? If it hasn’t happened to you, can you ask someone who has found a ‘unique’ girl like you say, and ask him what he likes about her? Because in the relationships I’ve seen that work really well, the girl doesn’t seem to be anything special, fun, or crazy out of this world. Sometimes she’s not even that hot.

        As you said, it’s not like you can be really great in a few common areas of female attractiveness or desireability, especially if you’re going for top-level guys.

        1. Ugh. Another question that needs to be its own post. 😀

          I’ll give the short version here.

          Unfortunately, what a guy’s looking for is unique to that individual. Even more unfortunately, you have to depend on him telling you the truth about what he wants in order to provide it to him or determine WHETHER you want to provide it to him.

          I can give you a personal example in this case. I was told ahead of time that my ex was a liar. This particular trait would be seen by the average joe as a liability. I personally saw it as evidence that she wasn’t a drone, willing to do whatever society told her to do and was willing to lie to get what she wants.

          This was good for two reasons.. First, I don’t like drones. I like to hang out with free-thinking women who are trying to do something fun or exciting with their day. If a chick’s falling in line with the status quo, she’s too predictable and boring. Not interested. Second, liars come in handy when you want to keep YOUR BUSINESS OUT THA STREETS! 😀 It’s good to know that a gal can look someone in the eye and lie to them directly and convincingly about where she was, who she was with and what she did. A drone would fold under questioning, which means you can only do as much with her as you’re willing to have her tell other people, which means you have to severely limit your relationship to her unless you’re a drone too.. which I am not.

          Another unique trait is that my ex was a street fighter. If something would have happened (which it never did) when I was with her, I know damned well she would have been throwing the hands right next to me (if not in front of me, if she could), and at least distracting one of the extra assailants so I could handle the rest of the business. I assume extra perps because guys in general are ***** and won’t attack you unless they have you outnumbered.

          The reason that’s valuable is not that I needed/wanted her to fight, but that she understood the streets, so if something would have jumped off, I wasn’t worried about her snitching on me if dudes had to get hurt. That allowed me to have the clear mindset that I was going to defend our safety by any means necessary, without having to limit myself to the options I was willing to have her snitch about.

          Another good trait is “What she’s about”. There are women that come after you because they want to GET something and women that come after you because they want to GIVE YOU something (hopefully, not an STD hahaha, but anyway…). If she’s trying to show YOU a good time, that clears your mind out to figuring out ways to show HER a good time. It might even be stuff you don’t want to do and never would have thought of doing, but if you can see that as a way of reciprocating for her way of being towards you, it’s totally worth it.

          If I were to speculate as far as what “top-level guys” generally look for in women, I would select femininity, wit, pleasant demeanor, taking care of her physical appearance, intelligence, gregariousness, ability to thrive in diverse social situations, dynamic mentality (as opposed to static, always the same), goal-oriented mindeset, similar idea of how many kids she wants (even if that number is zero)…

          The problem for women is that the closer a guy gets to top-level, the more self-sufficient he is. It’s not that he needs one woman for anything, because there are lots of women that would hook up with him on the girlfriend tip TODAY if he asked them to. There has to be something about a gal that really fascinates him and makes him want to see her over and over and consecutively.

          What that IS is up to the particular guy. Maybe he likes women that know how to sing. Maybe he likes women that are smarter than he is in a particular field and he actually likes listening to them speak and learning things from them. Maybe he likes a gal that looks good on his arm when he goes to social events and makes him look successful. Maybe he likes a chick that’s a FREAK-BODY in the bedroom. Maybe he likes a chick that ISN’T a freak in the bedroom… \o/

          The only way to tell is to have a relationship to him where he’s willing to tell you what really floats his boat and you’re willing to tell him what really floats your boat and your relationship stands or falls on the luck of the draw. The most important part is the honesty. If you can’t get that, it’s a shot in the dark as far as whether he likes you as “Mrs Right” or “Mrs Right Now”.

          Having said that, I’d like to add that it’s extremely tough to get the truth from people these days. Social Media has added to this by making it clear who knows whom. People that ignore these connections (especially women, being that the double standard is still in effect and probably always will be) become pegged as “easy” as soon as several people in the same social circle can say that they’ve messed with them. It’s not like back in the day, when you could bare your soul to someone and when they disappeared from your life, that information disappeared with them.

          Still, I see that as the only way to go. If you don’t have an honest relationship with someone, you don’t have anything at all.

  5. “To me, that’s the same feeling a guy needs to have if he’s seriously going to be in a relationship with a chick. He has to be more interested in what makes HER happy than what makes HIM happy.”

    I don’t think this Mother Teresa shtick can work. If the only reason a guy is not having sex with other girls is that he cares more about HER happiness than he cares about his own, the relationship will not last very long. He has to be in it for HIS OWN happiness. He has to have the firm belief and has to experience that being with a particular girl long-term makes him happier than messing with a new one every other week. If this is not the case, he should not be in that relationship, no matter if it makes her happy or not.

    The problem is that there are a lot of people out there who don`t know when they are happy or unhappy. Or they confuse excitement with happiness.

    1. Very well said, Fishingrod. 🙂

      I agree with you that the optimum situation for a relationship is that both the guy and the gal were specifically looking for one person to settle down with and found someone they really liked.

      Once again, a personal bias of mine has surfaced. 🙂 In a society where there are tons of chicks, selecting one of them and shunning all the rest doesn’t make ANY sense at all, unless she’s an amazingly extraordinary person that completely captures your physical & mental interest.

      I apologize in advance for comparing y’all to porno chicks, but I’d be willing to bet that if you did a survey of guys that are into porno, they would NOT tell you that they only watch movies with one particular chick in them. They might have a favorite, and they may or may not even know what her name is, but the concept of only watching videos with the same chick in it doesn’t compute.

      That’s why I framed monogamy as a favor that guys do for gals under the Terms & Conditions they agreed to upon entering the relationship with her. Are they no longer attracted to other attractive women? Hellz Naw! 😀 .. BUT!.. They’re willing to forego what they want in order to be true to their word to their woman.

      OTOH.. Of course there are guys that were actually seeking out a monogamous situation and are very happy and grateful that they only have one chick and don’t have to deal with the insane issues that juggling several women often brings with it.

      A bird in the hand is worth several chicks running around trying to catch you cheating…. or whatever that saying is! 😀

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