Who’s The Man?

Reader “Tron” writes:

“Why do some women say that they want a man but then, they want to be the “Man” in relationships or at least try to act like it. Example, they can’t wait for a man to open the door or pull out their chair, or they can’t say thanks when receiving a compliment.”

This is actually an excellent question, which I’m sure baffles guys across the entire United States of America. I’ll kick off the conversation with my opinion about the situation…

Women Have Problems

Women have problems. Everybody knows this. I’d have problems too if life automatically SUCKED every 28 days. I’d have problems if I had to expel kids from my body instead of playing video games while some chick lays up in the hospital experiencing hours worth of labor. I’d have problems if I couldn’t walk past a construction site without blue-collar workers attempting to attract my attention. I’d have problems if every time a chick wanted to talk to me, I knew she was trying to get laid….. ok, scratch that last one! ๐Ÿ˜‰

One of women’s problems is that they live in a Patriarchal society, but their personal reality is Matriarchal. According to Wikipedia:

Matriarchy (or gynecocracy) refers to a gynecocentric form of society, in which the leading role is taken by the women and especially by the mothers of a community.
There are no known societies that are unambiguously matriarchal, although there are a number of attested matrilinear, matrilocal and avunculocal societies, especially among indigenous peoples of Asia and Africa, such as those of the Basques, Minangkabau, Mosuo, Berbers or Tuareg

See what I mean? In order to find locations where women are Runnin’ Thangs, you have to find actual TRIBES, like in RAIN FORESTS n ish. ๐Ÿ˜€ So women are very used to guys thinking they’re better than them, merely because they’re guys.

You *ARE* The Father!

At the same time.. Paternity is questionable, while Maternity is definite. People are actually standing there when the kid comes out of the chick. What this tends to lead to is a lot of deadbeatdadism.

When dudes step to the left and **** off their responsibilities to take care of their kids, the mother doesn’t ordinarily have that same option. This leads to A LOT of families where the mothers or the grandmothers are the heads of the family, regardless of the surrounding societal circumstances.

So what you end up with is chicks that have to make it on their own AND provide for their kids AND protect their kids. This calls for an incredibly strong will. It’s not necessarily easy for women that are used to fighting for everything they have to ease back and let a guy show them a good time.

It’s a poor comparison, but as a video editor, I’m used to running the show. Regardless of who the client is or how successful their company is, the reason they called me in is that I know more about making videos better and faster than they do. Even though they feel like they’re running the show, because they’re paying for my time, *I’M* the one that understands whether the project’s on track or not and it’s my responsibility to corral the client when what they’re talking about is going to cause us to miss our deadline or end up with an inferior product. I do this all the time. They don’t. If THEY fail, they’re going to point at ME, and I’m not going out like that. ๐Ÿ˜€

This is why as much as I’m involved with video production and editing, I find it tough to just act in videos or to be a part of other people’s video productions. I have to believe that even though they’re not going to do what *I* would have done with the video that they’re going to do a really good job that I feel like having represent me just in case two and a half million people happen to watch the video.

I’m personally not going to be comfortable giving up control over my media presence to someone else. I know how well I handle my own business and unless I feel someone else is going to come close to my level or exceed it, I’m not likely to defer. This is the same situation that guys run up against when taking out women that are used to being self-sufficient and only relying on themselves to make everything happen.

Women’s Lib

Even for women that don’t have kids, Second Wave Women’s Liberation (1960s-1980s) ****** up the program for a lot of them. According to Wikipedia:

“During this time feminists campaigned against cultural and political inequalities. The movement encouraged women to understand aspects of their own personal lives as deeply politicized, and reflective of a sexist structure of power. If first-wave feminism focused upon absolute rights such as suffrage, second-wave feminism was largely concerned with other issues of equality, such as the end to discrimination”

The problem with this way of thinking is that it’s left up to the individual to make the distinction between something that’s being done as a demeaning gesture and something that’s being done as a friendly or even romantic courtesy.

For instance, Tron’s example of pulling the chair out for a lady when you’re being seated at a restaurant… That will either be seen as “He’s being a gentleman” or “He thinks I can’t move this chair on my own”. Same thing with ordering first. I’ll be damned if I tell a waiter what I want before all the females at the table do. I don’t give a **** what they think about it either. All of our asses will sit here and STARVE until y’all females tell this dude what you want to eat. That will either be seen as “He’s being a gentleman” or “He’s trying to control me by telling me WHAT to do and WHEN to do it”.

Same thing with ordering FOR her. Personally, if that were part of my repertoire, I would ask her what she wanted and then convey her desires to the waiter when he arrived. I most certainly wouldn’t come up with something that *I* wanted her to eat and then tell the waiter to bring THAT to her. That’s lame, unless she asks me what I recommend. That situation will be seen as “He’s being a gentleman” or “He’s treating me like a kid and not letting me speak up for myself as a grown-ass woman”.

Depending on where each particular woman draws the line, you’re going to get different responses to your courteous gestures. This is because she’s playing two games at the same time. There’s the “Self Respect” game and the “I’m On A Date” game.

Defense

While we’re on this topic.. There’s the issue of “breaking bad” or “the laying-on of hands”. Popular Courtesy dictates that guys should never kick women’s asses, but as we see in the news every day, there are lots of guys that don’t subscribe to this concept.

One of the things that I find really, *REALLY* RETARDED about how some women carry themselves in relationships is that their behavior seems to fly in the face of what they expect from their man.

One of the most basic reasons for a woman to select one man over another is security. That might be financial security, but it also might be physical security. She wants to know that if something threatens her or her offspring, her man is going to do something about it, or at least attempt to….. Meanwhile, she expects to throw hands at him anytime she feels like it without consequences & repercussions.

This doesn’t make any sense. Either your man doesn’t take ISH from people, INCLUDING YOU, or he DOES take it from everyone, meaning that you can’t count on him for security. I really don’t understand why women feel free to lay hands on guys twice their size and weight and fail to see it as a GIFT that the guy doesn’t hit them back, like they’d expect him to hit some guy that’s pressuring her or the both of them.

Of course, if it’s already been determined that the female is the more physically aggressive one in the couple, she STILL needs to keep her hands off her boyfriend because that makes her a bully. Meanwhile, he needs to keep HIS hands off of HER or else get what’s coming to him! ๐Ÿ˜€

Compliments

Bill & NancyThere’s actually a good reason why women can’t properly accept compliments anymore. Too many guys know that complimenting a gal is the easy route to getting laid and use words as a gimmick instead of a genuine expression of how she’s inspired him to feel. With dudes every day telling chicks how good they look, they lose the ability to separate the wheat from the chaff.

Another issue is that women tend to allow their own perception of themselves to override your personal perception of them. Let’s say she used to weigh 105 lbs and now she weighs 135 lbs. She’s going to perceive herself as a 105 lb woman that’s 30 lbs overweight while you perceive her as nicely fat-assed with more bounce to the ounce. >:) As a matter of fact, she might even NEED a few more sandwiches in order for her to look sexier…

If that’s the case, when you tell her she looks good, she feels like you’re patronizing her because SHE refuses to believe that *SHE* looks good, so you’re either full of **** or you have really poor taste in women. It just can’t POSSIBLY BE that you ACTUALLY are turned on by how she looks right now. ๐Ÿ˜€

Also, women find these weirdo ways to twist whatever you just said into something completely different. I was having a conversation with a homegirl of mine and told her something about a different chick like “I knew I wasn’t going to be able to provide her with what she’s looking for in life, so I let her go”. This was an actual statement of fact, however, what I received in return was “You didn’t love her enough to give her what she wanted”. O_o

hahahaha Um… NO!.. I loved her enough to KNOW that I wasn’t down with her program and she needed to find someone else that was interested in the same thing SHE was interested in. For that, I received “You didn’t actually love her at all, because if you did, you would have [sacrificed your life to make her life wonderful]”. Completely amazing, down & dirty, gritty conversation where both of us were saying what we really felt about the topic.

This is what happens to your compliments when you say them to chicks. They get mangled the **** up into something you didn’t say and you didn’t mean and that doesn’t represent you as a person and certainly doesn’t represent how you feel about your relationship to her. It’s such a bad situation that I actually started avoiding complimenting women I spend time with because I didn’t want them making up fantasticmological things in their heads about what I meant when what I MEANT was what I SAID, which was that “You look hawt today!”, which was a statement of fact and had nothing to do with what I may or may not have felt like DOING about the fact that they looked good to me that particular day.

I elected to abandon that stance and bite the bullet (and perhaps, the dust) because I realized I was adding to the problem. If all the guys that have genuine compliments for women refuse to express them, all that’s left are the fake compliments, and the situation just gets worse. I’m willing to burn bridges by saying what I’m thinking because a) I have more chicks, so what difference does it make? and b) if we can’t authentically express ourselves to each other, what “friendship” do we actually have in the first place? O_o

‘Cause Today I Found My Friends… They’re In My Head…

So the problem that women have is that they want men who are better than they are, but at the same time, they want to act like they’re equal to or better than the men they selected. ๐Ÿ˜€

They select men that make more money than they do, but insist on expressing their equality by going dutch on dates.

They select men that are physically stronger than they are, but insist that they could kick his ass if they actually felt like it. This PSYCHOSIS is fueled by the fact that this guy that could crush her refuses to do so on the basis of “Men should never hit Women”.

They select men that are doing well in business and then they want to tell him what to do with his money.

They select men that can have their pick of women and then tell him he can only get physical with her for the rest of his life.

They select men that don’t have any kids ON PURPOSE and attempt to dictate that he’s going to be a father to some other dude’s children.

They select men that are driving Porches and attempt to dictate that he’s going to trade it in for a minivan so he can transport her and her kids around town, like as if that was ever his goal in life.

They want you to be a gentleman and WANT to open the door for them, but they want to open their own doors to express how independent they are in life.

They want YOU to put their name on the mortgage for your house, even though they didn’t contribute one thin dime to its purchase or maintenance.

It’s effin’ CRAZY, but it’s all in the game. ๐Ÿ™‚ Women want to be “The Man” in relationships because most of the time, they have to be their own man and handle everything on their own. They spend all day every day fending off advances from guys, trying to get equal pay for equal work, raising kids that dudes dipped on after being 50% of their creation… It’s not easy to turn “I’ve got to fend for myself in this life” off.

Women just plain aren’t used to being treated properly anymore. They have no experience with Real Men. A lot of them aren’t even being RAISED by men so the only experience they have is with women. They have no point of reference to tell that they’re being treated well & respectfully by a male. Everything we say to them is being thrown in with their experiences with guys that will say ANYTHING just to get laid and none of it means anything at all. Everything we say to them is being filtered through their own perception of themselves and of guys in general.

Let It Slide

IMO, The solution to all this is to Keep It Real and then Let It Slide. Just yesterday, I encountered an elderly Asian female neighbor that I don’t personally know. I was fully aware that she didn’t know English AT ALL. Using my just about nonexistent understanding of Asian culture, instead of just saying “Have a good day”, I smiled at her and bowed at the same time. She received my communication and smiled and bowed at me and waved goodbye.

That’s all I can do. I don’t know Chinese. I can’t speak to her in her own language. All I can do is emote to her “I wish you goodwill :)” and she’ll receive it and enjoy it or she won’t.

Similarly, there’s nothing we can do about women that have been conditioned through their life’s experiences to be unable to decipher and receive genuine expressions from men. We have to let it slide. I was invited out to an Italian restaurant by a woman that understood Italian. I ended up ordering something that was a starter or side dish, similar to Calamari or Buffalo Wings because I didn’t imagine that it wouldn’t be a full meal for $17! ๐Ÿ˜€ Her choice was to say “This dude is a completely uncultured Neanderthal” or to let it slide.

If a gal can’t roll with your system of being a gentleman, it’s on you to either bounce, stoop to her level or MAKE HER get used to it. ๐Ÿ™‚ It’s an uphill battle because you’re fighting against her entire life’s conditioning as well as issues that even SHE doesn’t know SHE’S fighting against. Your selections are “This chick is a Neanderthal and I can’t stand it”, “This chick is a Neanderthal, but I’m willing to roll with her because I think she can be so much more than SHE believes she can be” or “This chick is properly receiving and responding to my genuine gestures towards her, so I feel really comfortable and happy with continuing to date her”.

Ultimately, everyone’s not for everyone. A chick might be ‘cute than a mug’ and have more bounce to the ounce, but actually interacting with her IRL is way more trouble than it’s worth. Use her reactions to your natural style as indicators of whether you want to keep kickin’ it with this chick or just step and get a new one that might come equipped with a personality that you can honestly and authentically enjoy, standard. ๐Ÿ™‚

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Join the Conversation

12 Comments

  1. Very good answer and very “complicated”
    I agree with some of your thoughts, but also think that on a more base level, that some women feel a need to cast a stronger appearance than necessary, so as not to be looked upon as helpless or weak. As well as there are some women who simply don’t know any better and think as you previously indicated, that they have to be responsible for everything and are afraid to relax.
    I also believe that every woman would love to be able to exhale, relax, and not have to feel that they are responsible for it all. I think they would like to know that somebody has got their back, but because life is real and tomorrow comes, many feel that they can’t afford to let their guard down, they can’t relax, and somebody has to pay the bills. Past loves, hurt, and pain have permanently scarred many and it’s difficult to let go…

  2. Also, I would like to add that I don’t pretend to be a female expert and don’t want to speak for anyone, but my thoughts are based on my experiences and interactions with the past and present women in my life. But I would love to hear honest comments from the women.

  3. Thanks for the question, Tron. ๐Ÿ™‚

    I could have taken the easy way out and just said “Some women are just JERKS and don’t deserve for you to waste good & courteous treatment on them”, but I wanted to see if I could find some possible explanations.

    A lot of relationships are actually power struggles where people blackmail and hold out on each other to try to get their SO to do what they want. It’s not very friendly at all, much less romantic.

    I find that relationships work best when people allow each other to do nice things for them. It’s the thought and the gesture that counts.

    Even if you’re not on a date and you hold the door for someone and they don’t thank you, I feel like they’re a Cro-Mag and they automatically drop to the bottom of the totem pole as far as consideration for future courtesies.

    1. Interesting read, though over-analyzed for my personal taste.

      Women aren’t really as complicated as he makes y’all out to be. You want to feel special. That’s basically about all there is to it.

      For some women, it’s not enough to land a guy. They have to constantly prove to themselves that they have him in deep check. “Go do this”. “Don’t do that”. That’s all well and good for a dude who’s a sucker and hooked up with a chick in order to receive instructions from her on how to live his own life.

      All the rest of the chicks get treated like Angelina on “Jersey Shore” last night. The guys said they were going to the club while the girls went to play pool. Angelina said she was coming with them. They said that she wasn’t. She insisted that she was.

      She got all dressed up to go to the club, including putting on high heels. All the guys had sneakers on. As soon as she turned her back, they ran out the door and DITCHED HER and she ended up going to play pool with the girls just like the guys told her to in the first place.

      Angelina doesn’t have any power over the guys in the house because none of them are trying to have sex with her. In fact, both Mike and Pauly already screwed her before they had been cast for the show to begin with.

      Sammi, OTOH, *THINKS* she has power over Ronnie because he keeps telling her he loves her and crawling into bed with her after making out with multiple chicks when Sammi wasn’t around to see it. Sammi tells him he can’t dance with other girls. Sammi tells him he can’t talk to other girls. It’s completely laughable.

      The whole concept of “Bride Power” or “Wife Power” is really just the manifestation of a guy who finds it easier to get a chick to have his kids for him if he pretends to follow her rules. Remove his desire to have kids or remove his desire to get married or include a different chick that’s willing to have his kids and the current girlfriend/wife’s “power” goes right down the drain.

      1. Smart girls who want to get married aren’t going for the guys who will do either of the two things you mentioned.

        1. If you mean ditching her to go to the club, I agree with you.

          In general, it’s not like y’all know what guys are doing to you. Since your focus is on believing that you’re unique, you chalk up whatever guys do to the supposed fact that they’re sweating you, when, in fact, guys know what needs to be done in order to get laid.

          That’s why relationships change so quickly sometimes, when the guy doesn’t want to hook up with the chick anymore and has no reason to pretend that he gives a damn what she says or thinks.

          Also, you’re making the assumption that anyone’s looking for smart girls. We’re looking for sexy girls. There are enough sexy dummies to go around that smart girls can be avoided altogether.

          That’s not a good policy, genetically, if you’re looking to have kids with a chick, because you want to procreate with the best possible female specimens. I’m just saying that it’s not like “smart girls” have some kind of corner on the market of sex, so what they are or aren’t going to do is rarely an issue.

  4. I think that your woman will answer that question real quick when faced with an uncomfortable situation like walking down a dark street with her man and noticing those 5 ruffians hanging on the corner!!! All that nonsense about why dont you help cook, do the laundry, iron your shorts, “dont talk to me like that you not my father”, this is my house-go right out the window when shes hoping that the flexing bicep on your arm is anger and not nervousness! Real story: I knew a dude whos wife would berate him and talk all sorts of outlandishness in front of his friends. She was also the type to walk down the street with a chip on her shoulder. One day she said some slick shyt to some guy whose girl then proceeded to pummel her silly! She went and got her husband and said “WE” gonna get them back. He went with her and he stood to the side while she got lumped again. She starts on him asking if he a b*tch… his response was “you said you would probably have to defend me if I ever had beef in the street! oh well” as he walked away!!! lol She wanted to be the man and when it counted he let her!

    1. That story is sad & pathetic. I don’t think your friend is clever or funny, he’s a sad excuse of a man. What kind of man not only allows his wife to berate him in front of other people and stays with her, and also allows her to get beaten in front of him while he watches? That sickens me — and you wonder why some women constantly shit test men? This is why — because some men can’t be trusted to truly be the head of the household.

      1. I agree with both of y’all! ๐Ÿ˜€

        It’s good that she got her ass WAXED, not ONCE, but TWICE! ๐Ÿ˜€

        Females like that talk a whole lot of mierda because they know in their ‘heart of hearts’ that it’s never going to end up in a physical confrontation for them. It’s a good lesson for her that if she wants to run her mouth and start problems then she’s going to have to go to they gym and take those boxing and jiu-jitsu lessons because she’s gonna be hannlin’ the physical fallout from her yang-talking on her own.

        I also agree with Sophia that it’s pathetic that guys stay with crabby females who don’t know how to be respectful in relationships. I know WHY that happens.. because it’s better to listen to some garbage for a while and then get to screw that chick as much as you want, but ultimately, a) that type of relationship is poisonous and unhealthy, and b) who wants to screw a chick with an eye-jammie from the fight she just talked herself into? ๐Ÿ˜€

        You’re right… Some men can’t be trusted to be the head of the household… When women don’t RECOGNIZE HIM AS THE HEAD OF THE HOUSEHOLD. If I’m runnin’ thangs, then you STFU and stop running your mouth, writing checks that your ass can’t cash.

        If your woman’s doing the right thing and not starting trouble and not exacerbating situations if someone tries to cause trouble with you, absolutely, defend her to the best of your abilities. If she’s a troublemaker, either SHE’S gonna get jacked up or both of y’all are gonna get jacked up and better YOU than ME. Next time, stay the **** QUIET and back my play if you expect me to hannle the bizness.

        Word to Herb, Plays tricks on your nerves.

        1. What kind of man not only allows his wife to berate him in front of other people and stays with her, and also allows her to get beaten in front of him while he watches?

          There are so many ways to answer this that I will do just that. Its easy to ask what kind of man BUT its always harder wonder what the victim did! Lets name him Tony and we will call her Gina…
          Once upon a time 2 young people met and thought that they really like each other, liked each other so much so that they spent every possible waking moment together. ^ months later after each ones family love the other and everyone noted that they looked like a couple for ever, they moved in together! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH Shit, somethings not right! A few months into the new living arrangements, Tony realizes Gina isnโ€™t who he thought she was. First was her almost obsessive demand that she be treated as an equal in this relationship, SOMETHING that he always did BUT not to her definition of equal. Bills? Heโ€™s the man-HE PAYS! That door ahead? Heโ€™s the man, let him get! Grocery shopping? Well Gina has a standing appointment every Saturday to get her hair so………. Dinner? Well if he got home first he was expected to cook (which was not a problem for him). Laundry? He was used to doing his own and after the first few times of both going, she eventually had the mind set โ€œwell so long as he is going!โ€… The qualifier to all the above was simple… โ€œI cant do the laundry todayโ€, โ€œI cant go shoppingโ€, โ€œI too have to get my hair cutโ€ was usually met with a barrage never once hinted art while they were dating. โ€œwhat kind of man are you. I’m not your slave blahblahblah…โ€. Its easy in hind to ask why he would let that happen but its pretty simple if your are a resident of NYC! He moved in with her, meaning he gave up his apartment… try finding suitable accommodations on short notice in this great city of ours. His mother absolutely LOVED her, or at least the public Gina that most saw. He tried to leave but he wasnโ€™t about to go homeless or have to move in with his mother AND when the subject came up his mother was always on her side because โ€œI cant believe she is how you say…โ€. This went on for about 1 year when he finally had enough.He has never put his hands on a female before and he knew it was time to leave when he felt the need walk away from her or lose control of the situation and beat her down. He already had his apartment and a move in date PLUS his mother got to actually witness one of her outburst first hand. So he was gone and detached from the situation when D-DAY came. Mind you, she got her ass beat by the guys girlfriend, meaning IT WAS A FAIR ONE-FEMALE ON FEMALE! She was the one who put it in the mix that her man (Tony) was going to come home and take care of it!!! Problem is Tony is a friendly person by nature and had made quite a few local acquaintances in her neck of the woods. She calls him at work, says that the guy held her while his girl slapped her up and he comes running home to take care of it. Except that on his way to the building, several people who were casual with him BUT her friends stopped him and explained what happened. Gina dropped her bag and as she bent down to grab so did the other guy-BOTH assuming that the other had it straitened back up and the bag was still on the floor. She bends down again and in the process says something to the tune of โ€œf*cking lazy morenos. Had that been a bag of chicken wings he would have tried to snatch itโ€… He hears her and argument ensues, she gets in his face and tells him he donโ€™t scare her and BAM!!! Dudes GF comes up from behind and proceeds to pummel her. {For those of you who donโ€™t know, MORENO(a) is a term used to describe a sexy dark-skinned latino(a) or a racist term used for Blacks}. He knew the whole story before he got to her and she fed him her version which was not even in the same story telling realm as what actually happened. Why should he have caught a criminal case over this or her???

          As for what kind of man or PERSON does this, someone who has reached the end of his rope! The problem isnโ€™t him, its her. She wanted her man to be a threat on the bills and in the street BUT submissive to her…how she got that nonsense in her is a different point for discussion. I just give him his props for knowing when to leave and not beat her himself. I donโ€™t advocate male on female violence but woman need to know and realize that they are on the verge of being victims. Not ALL men walk away from that abuse without returning the favor.

          FYI: Before anyone gets any ideas, Tone was an amateur boxer so defending himself was something that was familiar to him. Fear of the next dude was not even in play when all this went down.

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