Reader “Tron” writes:
“Why do some women say that they want a man but then, they want to be the “Man” in relationships or at least try to act like it. Example, they can’t wait for a man to open the door or pull out their chair, or they can’t say thanks when receiving a compliment.”
This is actually an excellent question, which I’m sure baffles guys across the entire United States of America. I’ll kick off the conversation with my opinion about the situation…
Women Have Problems
Women have problems. Everybody knows this. I’d have problems too if life automatically SUCKED every 28 days. I’d have problems if I had to expel kids from my body instead of playing video games while some chick lays up in the hospital experiencing hours worth of labor. I’d have problems if I couldn’t walk past a construction site without blue-collar workers attempting to attract my attention. I’d have problems if every time a chick wanted to talk to me, I knew she was trying to get laid….. ok, scratch that last one! 😉
One of women’s problems is that they live in a Patriarchal society, but their personal reality is Matriarchal. According to Wikipedia:
Matriarchy (or gynecocracy) refers to a gynecocentric form of society, in which the leading role is taken by the women and especially by the mothers of a community.
There are no known societies that are unambiguously matriarchal, although there are a number of attested matrilinear, matrilocal and avunculocal societies, especially among indigenous peoples of Asia and Africa, such as those of the Basques, Minangkabau, Mosuo, Berbers or Tuareg
See what I mean? In order to find locations where women are Runnin’ Thangs, you have to find actual TRIBES, like in RAIN FORESTS n ish. 😀 So women are very used to guys thinking they’re better than them, merely because they’re guys.
You *ARE* The Father!
At the same time.. Paternity is questionable, while Maternity is definite. People are actually standing there when the kid comes out of the chick. What this tends to lead to is a lot of deadbeatdadism.
When dudes step to the left and **** off their responsibilities to take care of their kids, the mother doesn’t ordinarily have that same option. This leads to A LOT of families where the mothers or the grandmothers are the heads of the family, regardless of the surrounding societal circumstances.
So what you end up with is chicks that have to make it on their own AND provide for their kids AND protect their kids. This calls for an incredibly strong will. It’s not necessarily easy for women that are used to fighting for everything they have to ease back and let a guy show them a good time.
It’s a poor comparison, but as a video editor, I’m used to running the show. Regardless of who the client is or how successful their company is, the reason they called me in is that I know more about making videos better and faster than they do. Even though they feel like they’re running the show, because they’re paying for my time, *I’M* the one that understands whether the project’s on track or not and it’s my responsibility to corral the client when what they’re talking about is going to cause us to miss our deadline or end up with an inferior product. I do this all the time. They don’t. If THEY fail, they’re going to point at ME, and I’m not going out like that. 😀
This is why as much as I’m involved with video production and editing, I find it tough to just act in videos or to be a part of other people’s video productions. I have to believe that even though they’re not going to do what *I* would have done with the video that they’re going to do a really good job that I feel like having represent me just in case two and a half million people happen to watch the video.
I’m personally not going to be comfortable giving up control over my media presence to someone else. I know how well I handle my own business and unless I feel someone else is going to come close to my level or exceed it, I’m not likely to defer. This is the same situation that guys run up against when taking out women that are used to being self-sufficient and only relying on themselves to make everything happen.
Even for women that don’t have kids, Second Wave Women’s Liberation (1960s-1980s) ****** up the program for a lot of them. According to Wikipedia:
“During this time feminists campaigned against cultural and political inequalities. The movement encouraged women to understand aspects of their own personal lives as deeply politicized, and reflective of a sexist structure of power. If first-wave feminism focused upon absolute rights such as suffrage, second-wave feminism was largely concerned with other issues of equality, such as the end to discrimination”
The problem with this way of thinking is that it’s left up to the individual to make the distinction between something that’s being done as a demeaning gesture and something that’s being done as a friendly or even romantic courtesy.
For instance, Tron’s example of pulling the chair out for a lady when you’re being seated at a restaurant… That will either be seen as “He’s being a gentleman” or “He thinks I can’t move this chair on my own”. Same thing with ordering first. I’ll be damned if I tell a waiter what I want before all the females at the table do. I don’t give a **** what they think about it either. All of our asses will sit here and STARVE until y’all females tell this dude what you want to eat. That will either be seen as “He’s being a gentleman” or “He’s trying to control me by telling me WHAT to do and WHEN to do it”.
Same thing with ordering FOR her. Personally, if that were part of my repertoire, I would ask her what she wanted and then convey her desires to the waiter when he arrived. I most certainly wouldn’t come up with something that *I* wanted her to eat and then tell the waiter to bring THAT to her. That’s lame, unless she asks me what I recommend. That situation will be seen as “He’s being a gentleman” or “He’s treating me like a kid and not letting me speak up for myself as a grown-ass woman”.
Depending on where each particular woman draws the line, you’re going to get different responses to your courteous gestures. This is because she’s playing two games at the same time. There’s the “Self Respect” game and the “I’m On A Date” game.
While we’re on this topic.. There’s the issue of “breaking bad” or “the laying-on of hands”. Popular Courtesy dictates that guys should never kick women’s asses, but as we see in the news every day, there are lots of guys that don’t subscribe to this concept.
One of the things that I find really, *REALLY* RETARDED about how some women carry themselves in relationships is that their behavior seems to fly in the face of what they expect from their man.
One of the most basic reasons for a woman to select one man over another is security. That might be financial security, but it also might be physical security. She wants to know that if something threatens her or her offspring, her man is going to do something about it, or at least attempt to….. Meanwhile, she expects to throw hands at him anytime she feels like it without consequences & repercussions.
This doesn’t make any sense. Either your man doesn’t take ISH from people, INCLUDING YOU, or he DOES take it from everyone, meaning that you can’t count on him for security. I really don’t understand why women feel free to lay hands on guys twice their size and weight and fail to see it as a GIFT that the guy doesn’t hit them back, like they’d expect him to hit some guy that’s pressuring her or the both of them.
Of course, if it’s already been determined that the female is the more physically aggressive one in the couple, she STILL needs to keep her hands off her boyfriend because that makes her a bully. Meanwhile, he needs to keep HIS hands off of HER or else get what’s coming to him! 😀
There’s actually a good reason why women can’t properly accept compliments anymore. Too many guys know that complimenting a gal is the easy route to getting laid and use words as a gimmick instead of a genuine expression of how she’s inspired him to feel. With dudes every day telling chicks how good they look, they lose the ability to separate the wheat from the chaff.
Another issue is that women tend to allow their own perception of themselves to override your personal perception of them. Let’s say she used to weigh 105 lbs and now she weighs 135 lbs. She’s going to perceive herself as a 105 lb woman that’s 30 lbs overweight while you perceive her as nicely fat-assed with more bounce to the ounce. >:) As a matter of fact, she might even NEED a few more sandwiches in order for her to look sexier…
If that’s the case, when you tell her she looks good, she feels like you’re patronizing her because SHE refuses to believe that *SHE* looks good, so you’re either full of **** or you have really poor taste in women. It just can’t POSSIBLY BE that you ACTUALLY are turned on by how she looks right now. 😀
Also, women find these weirdo ways to twist whatever you just said into something completely different. I was having a conversation with a homegirl of mine and told her something about a different chick like “I knew I wasn’t going to be able to provide her with what she’s looking for in life, so I let her go”. This was an actual statement of fact, however, what I received in return was “You didn’t love her enough to give her what she wanted”. O_o
hahahaha Um… NO!.. I loved her enough to KNOW that I wasn’t down with her program and she needed to find someone else that was interested in the same thing SHE was interested in. For that, I received “You didn’t actually love her at all, because if you did, you would have [sacrificed your life to make her life wonderful]”. Completely amazing, down & dirty, gritty conversation where both of us were saying what we really felt about the topic.
This is what happens to your compliments when you say them to chicks. They get mangled the **** up into something you didn’t say and you didn’t mean and that doesn’t represent you as a person and certainly doesn’t represent how you feel about your relationship to her. It’s such a bad situation that I actually started avoiding complimenting women I spend time with because I didn’t want them making up fantasticmological things in their heads about what I meant when what I MEANT was what I SAID, which was that “You look hawt today!”, which was a statement of fact and had nothing to do with what I may or may not have felt like DOING about the fact that they looked good to me that particular day.
I elected to abandon that stance and bite the bullet (and perhaps, the dust) because I realized I was adding to the problem. If all the guys that have genuine compliments for women refuse to express them, all that’s left are the fake compliments, and the situation just gets worse. I’m willing to burn bridges by saying what I’m thinking because a) I have more chicks, so what difference does it make? and b) if we can’t authentically express ourselves to each other, what “friendship” do we actually have in the first place? O_o
‘Cause Today I Found My Friends… They’re In My Head…
So the problem that women have is that they want men who are better than they are, but at the same time, they want to act like they’re equal to or better than the men they selected. 😀
They select men that make more money than they do, but insist on expressing their equality by going dutch on dates.
They select men that are physically stronger than they are, but insist that they could kick his ass if they actually felt like it. This PSYCHOSIS is fueled by the fact that this guy that could crush her refuses to do so on the basis of “Men should never hit Women”.
They select men that are doing well in business and then they want to tell him what to do with his money.
They select men that can have their pick of women and then tell him he can only get physical with her for the rest of his life.
They select men that don’t have any kids ON PURPOSE and attempt to dictate that he’s going to be a father to some other dude’s children.
They select men that are driving Porches and attempt to dictate that he’s going to trade it in for a minivan so he can transport her and her kids around town, like as if that was ever his goal in life.
They want you to be a gentleman and WANT to open the door for them, but they want to open their own doors to express how independent they are in life.
They want YOU to put their name on the mortgage for your house, even though they didn’t contribute one thin dime to its purchase or maintenance.
It’s effin’ CRAZY, but it’s all in the game. 🙂 Women want to be “The Man” in relationships because most of the time, they have to be their own man and handle everything on their own. They spend all day every day fending off advances from guys, trying to get equal pay for equal work, raising kids that dudes dipped on after being 50% of their creation… It’s not easy to turn “I’ve got to fend for myself in this life” off.
Women just plain aren’t used to being treated properly anymore. They have no experience with Real Men. A lot of them aren’t even being RAISED by men so the only experience they have is with women. They have no point of reference to tell that they’re being treated well & respectfully by a male. Everything we say to them is being thrown in with their experiences with guys that will say ANYTHING just to get laid and none of it means anything at all. Everything we say to them is being filtered through their own perception of themselves and of guys in general.
Let It Slide
IMO, The solution to all this is to Keep It Real and then Let It Slide. Just yesterday, I encountered an elderly Asian female neighbor that I don’t personally know. I was fully aware that she didn’t know English AT ALL. Using my just about nonexistent understanding of Asian culture, instead of just saying “Have a good day”, I smiled at her and bowed at the same time. She received my communication and smiled and bowed at me and waved goodbye.
That’s all I can do. I don’t know Chinese. I can’t speak to her in her own language. All I can do is emote to her “I wish you goodwill :)” and she’ll receive it and enjoy it or she won’t.
Similarly, there’s nothing we can do about women that have been conditioned through their life’s experiences to be unable to decipher and receive genuine expressions from men. We have to let it slide. I was invited out to an Italian restaurant by a woman that understood Italian. I ended up ordering something that was a starter or side dish, similar to Calamari or Buffalo Wings because I didn’t imagine that it wouldn’t be a full meal for $17! 😀 Her choice was to say “This dude is a completely uncultured Neanderthal” or to let it slide.
If a gal can’t roll with your system of being a gentleman, it’s on you to either bounce, stoop to her level or MAKE HER get used to it. 🙂 It’s an uphill battle because you’re fighting against her entire life’s conditioning as well as issues that even SHE doesn’t know SHE’S fighting against. Your selections are “This chick is a Neanderthal and I can’t stand it”, “This chick is a Neanderthal, but I’m willing to roll with her because I think she can be so much more than SHE believes she can be” or “This chick is properly receiving and responding to my genuine gestures towards her, so I feel really comfortable and happy with continuing to date her”.
Ultimately, everyone’s not for everyone. A chick might be ‘cute than a mug’ and have more bounce to the ounce, but actually interacting with her IRL is way more trouble than it’s worth. Use her reactions to your natural style as indicators of whether you want to keep kickin’ it with this chick or just step and get a new one that might come equipped with a personality that you can honestly and authentically enjoy, standard. 🙂