Honesty, Respect & Apologies in Relationships

A lot of people seriously overestimate the amount of influence they have in their relationships. This is because they don’t understand how and why they were selected by their significant other in the first place.

Equality

Bill CammackYou’re not going to be an equal until THE OTHER PERSON in the relationship considers you one. What *you* think about your own importance to them has no bearing whatsoever.

If a guy’s dating a gal because she has a fantastic ass, he’s going to play it off that he’s with her for her personality.

If a gal’s dating a guy because he spends a lot of money on her and she looks good in his car, she’s going to play it off that she’s with him for his personality.

Down the line, when the rubber meets the road, situations sometimes occur where you get to find out, for better or for worse, just how important you are or AREN’T in your current relationship.

Like we learned in “Animal Farm”.. Some people are More Equal than others…

Apology

Reader “Tron” writes:

“Many relationships die for lack of an apology. Offenses are real and they fracture relationships. Time alone will not heal a broken relationship. The healing process begins with a sincere apology. The apology doesn’t immediately restore the relationship, but it does open the door to forgiveness, and forgiveness opens the door to reconciliation.”

There are a lot of reasons why people don’t apologize in relationships. Some people are brainwashed that if you apologize, you look like a sucker and you’re better off retaining your hard-rock image instead of letting the other person think they can get over on you. Other people, including myself, are really great at saying what doesn’t matter and horrible at saying what *does* matter.

I went out with a friend of mine for drinks the other day and she looked fantastic.. absolutely edible! :P~~~ But since I didn’t want that concept hovering over our relationship, I didn’t mention it to her. The closest I got was complimenting her hair, which always looks fantastic, so that was kind of a “safe” compliment to hand out.

In other cases, you don’t get an apology because your SO doesn’t give a flying **** about what you think or feel. It’s not even a consideration. It doesn’t occur to them to consider how a situation might have affected you because they’re not with you to care about YOU.

Let’s say, for instance, that a guy’s financially self-sufficient and he selects a gal to date because she turns him on and he likes having sex with her. What’s his incentive to treat her as an equal when it comes to decision-making? Nothing. Who cares what she thinks as far as how he should spend his money or where they should go on vacation? Nobody.

Similarly, if a chick’s using a guy for money, who cares about his romantic yadda yadda? Nobody. What difference does it make what he thinks she should wear or how much alcohol he thinks she should drink? None.

Apologies are based on the feeling of having done something you shouldn’t have done and also feeling poorly that you made someone else feel poorly or let them down. If you have to read a statement off of a piece of paper, for instance :/ it’s probably not much of an apology.

Proper apologies aren’t excuses. It’s not like “Whoops. Sorry ’bout that”. It’s more like “I understand why that was a bad thing to do and I’m not going to do it again because XYZ and I’m sorry that my dumb or non-thinking actions hurt you”. It’s an indication that you learned something from the situation and that you intend to do better in the future.

The only way that can happen is if you have actual respect for your SO. A lot of people consider this a ‘given’ in relationships, but it just isn’t.

If their main value to you is their physical and/or financial utility, you’re likely to feel that sense of loss like finding out you dropped a $5 bill on the floor when you pulled your keys out of your pocket, but then it’s like “Oh well.. If anything, I’ll get another one. \o/”.

Honesty

Reader “Christine” writes:

” How do men and women share complete honesty without the woman, even accidentally, emasculating the man? Without aiding him in finding his inner HERB. If women are successful in opening up their man and convince him to share all with complete honesty, a woman may lose respect for a man for giving her what she claimed she wanted and had to have. If he discovers how good it feels to gush, tell her everything, his hopes and fears and deepest secrets, he risks being totally attainable and therefore undesirable.”

I think that this is similarly an issue of selection and respect.

There are two parts to this issue, the action and the consequence. The action being the honest sharing and the consequence being how each person feels about themselves and about their SOs after the fact.

Honest Sharing is only necessary when you consider your SO an equal. If you don’t, then their opinion isn’t going to sway your decision regardless, so there’s no point in discussing the truth with them. If you’re a guy and you intend to marry a chick and still mess with 14 girls over a 3 year period, there’s no reason for you to bring this up for debate with her because her opinion doesn’t count for ****. Nobody cares what she thinks about what you intend to do with your life because it’s YOUR life, not hers.

If you’re a gal and you’re dating three guys and one of them buys you breakfast, one of them buys you lunch and the third buys you dinner, who cares about whether any of them think you should be dating them exclusively? Nobody. If one guy wants to take you out on his yacht this weekend and the next guy wants to take you to his villa on Monday and the third guy wants to take you shopping on Tuesday, why the hell shouldn’t you get everything you can get from potential suitors?

Respect

If both participants in a relationship consider each other equals, *NOW* we have a platform for discussion, debate and perhaps compromise or mutual agreement. This is where I believe the answer to Christine’s question lies. It’s not in the gender, but rather in the relationship.

The reason a woman would feel like she was emasculating a man by putting her foot down and becoming a part of the decision-making is that he never considered her worthy of making decisions in the first place.. not for herself and CERTAINLY not for him! 😀 Let’s say, however, that he’s a computer programmer and she’s an accountant. He would be A FOOL not to listen to and follow what she had to say about the family finances. “I’m a guy, so I automatically know better” only works for guys that deliberately select mentally inferior females to date.

At the same time, women aren’t doing anybody any favors by not stepping up and voicing their opinions when they know damned well that they have a better grasp on this situation than their man does. If you don’t want to get caught in that “I’m just a blonde female idiot” trap, don’t play that role from the giddyap. Of course, conventional wisdom says that if you don’t play Damsel In Distress, you won’t be selected for a relationship by the guys who are looking for women who know how to look good, be sexy, cook, clean, bear & raise kids and entertain guests at dinner parties. That’s the chance you have to take. If he doesn’t respect you coming in the door, it’s going to be tough for you to gain respect in the future.

As far as emasculating guys, the only guys that’s going to happen to weren’t very masculine in the first place. O_o

Mentality

Mentally strong men know to only create alliances with mentally strong women. This is because there are rare times when you can’t do EVERYTHING yourself and you’re going to have to depend on her to come through in the clutch. If you selected some gullible female so it was easy for you to get laid, she’s also probably not going to be able to handle the responsibility of whatever you need her to do, that ONE TIME that it really counts for something.

The point being that IF a woman was selected for her mental capabilities, it might hurt his ego if she says something he doesn’t like or talks about something he needs to fix or change, but at the same time, he has to respect what she’s saying because he vetted her for intelligence and common sense before aligning himself with her. If a female coaches softball for a successful team and she offers me suggestions on improving my swing or batting stance, DAMNED ******* SKIPPY I’m going to listen to her and attempt to benefit from her wisdom & experience.

The problem occurs when the guy doesn’t BELIEVE she has ANY wisdom OR experience, which only comes to light when she tries to involve herself in the decision-making process. As long as she’s just running her mouth about stuff that you can “Yes her to death” about and it doesn’t have any actual bearing on anything important, guys can pretend that they’re paying attention to and considering their girlfriends’ or wives’ opinions about things. As soon as it matters, like when she suggests that you trade in your Porsche for a Minivan to lug your kids around town, that’s when you find out that if he wants your opinion, he’ll give it to you. 😀

Reality

So.. My theory is that Honesty, Respect, & Heartfelt Apologies are only available to people that were determined to be worthy of those things before the relationship ever started or earned that level of consideration at some point along the way. People have to act like they respect each other to get a foot in the door, but in a lot of cases, it’s just not true. A lot of people think their boyfriends or girlfriends are absolute IDIOTS, but they don’t have to bring that up because being intelligent wasn’t part of their job description from jump street and so long as they don’t let that person make ANY important decisions, they never have to engage in the conversation about what their REAL role in this relationship is.

To directly address Christine’s question, men and women can share complete honesty with each other when a) they both respect each other, and b) they’re willing to let their relationship die because something one of them doesn’t like comes to light. Most people fail the test for part (b), so Complete Honesty is rarely a component of anyone’s relationship.

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9 thoughts on “Honesty, Respect & Apologies in Relationships”

  1. Bill,
    I always appreciate how you “break it down,” because I gain fresh perspective. My burning question about honesty was answered from the vantage point of respect as a necessary ingedient for the terrain of honesty. Honesty is a requisite for understanding the truth about the heirarchy, equality or lack thereof.
    Assuming there is equality, let’s re-visit the accidental emasculation, because you have ALMOST answered my question, which has pre-occupied me and continues to be a theme in discussions with other women.
    (Part B of your answer was such a bombshell I can’t include it in my equation yet. …out of left field but…what a touchstone for merit!!!)
    The accidental emasculation of men which I’ve seen, like Eternal Return, has nothing to do with the woman wishing to be the decision maker or having her opinion count.
    It is a subtle thing women do, and maybe it is like being a 33rd degree Mason and telling what’s in all those ceremonies and rainbow books when you are not supposed to, but here goes.
    Women in love can’t get enough of learning their man. Their push during pillow talk or when he is vulnerable and appreciative of her confidence and comraderie, is to find out everything. EVerything. The more intimate the better.
    Women aren’t being sneaky or trying to “get the goods,” we are simply being women and striving for intimacy the way we know how to do it. With our girlfriends. We tell everything. How our feelings were hurt when we were little.
    However, once men really really learn how good it feels to turn to us just like that, they often begin to go there more than we suspected they would. They whine a little or a lot, and we step back…appaled at their “weakness.”
    The man then wants to overcome this distance and goes double or nothing telling the chick how he has never been close enough to any other human to do “that” before.
    I’ve heard of men regressing into baby talk constantly with their woman at this stage. No shit.
    And the woman sees her strength and sees with the grime wiped from her eyes the vulnerability of her man, and she may feel horrible about what has happened. The sex won’t be as good. She’ll be mystified and perplexed. He’ll have strong rich fantasies about the level of intimacy, trust and equality they have, and she may find a little chink in her armor and begin to think about…cheating.
    Christine

    1. I get your point now. That’s an entirely different issue.

      That’s certainly not a female emasculating a man. That’s the opening of a floodgate that never opens. To use your terms, that’s her ENABLING HIM to EMASCULATE HIMSELF, even though I don’t agree with the term selected and will explain why.

      Guys are self-sufficient. We don’t need you AT ALL. Not AT ALL. There are enough chicks either professionally selling sex or that are willing to sell out to leech off of a guy’s funds that there’s no need to actually engage in the dating process. seekingarrangement.com

      Therefore, when we meet women, it’s like the disclaimer says “For Entertainment Purposes Only”. We don’t meet women and go “NOW I get to live in a house because she’s rich”. “NOW, I get to travel places”. “NOW I get to save my own money because I can spend hers”. It’s purely entertainment.

      For the guys that want families, there are other perks like cooking, cleaning, bearing & raising kids, hosting parties, making me look successful at company functions… It’s still all utilitarian, though. She’s not SUPPOSED to be smart enough or insightful enough to understand & absorb what we’re thinking and/or feeling and kick back anything useful to us.

      This is why it’s enthralling the few times this happens. It’s like “OH ****!!!! :O” and then you realize an opportunity you never had before. Normally, intelligent conversation is reserved for other guys. When you can do that with a woman you like as a person AND are sexually attracted to, it’s tantamount to mainline addiction. It’s absolutely incredible and unbelievable.

      Is this partially men’s fault? Definitely. If we would select women on merits other than T&A, we would spend more quality mental time with females. Since that’s not the way life works, it’s a total crapshoot if you get anything other than what you physically perceived before you spoke to her, including decent sexual ability & interest, wit, intelligence, common sense, etc etc etc.

      The other safety latch on the floodgate is that guys can’t/won’t admit weaknesses to other guys. Let’s say a guy’s a “Chubby-Chaser”. He’s not going to point out some fat chick to a group of guys and go “Check that out, fellaz!!! :D”. He’s going to keep that to himself so he doesn’t become a laughing stock. Whatever he’s thinking or feeling that’s not up to par has to be kept under the hat. You think Clinton would have admitted to Lewinsky even if he hadn’t been married? Nope. Functionally, she served the purpose, but he would have been clowned ON BOTH SIDES OF THE PECOS if people would have found out that was the best he could do as far as chicks.

      This is why I say that the inquisitive female is merely the enabler. Like the highly-paid Pro Quarterback, she threads the needle between guys that are smart enough to talk to but you’ll look like a chump and gals that can’t understand what you’re saying so you never have deep or important conversations with them.

      THIS is his chance to be listened to in a totally safe environment. It’s like spiking a non-drinker’s juice. It’s intoxicating and disorienting. It only gets worse after the first experience of “telling all” and having your woman listen to it without clowning you. You’re literally catalyzing him to unlock YEARS of information that he wasn’t able to share with anyone. The more he shares with you, the closer he feels to you. The closer he feels to you, the more he shares with you and he cascades down the rings of hell until he’s bawling about this and that to you because now he’s overdone it and overshared.

      The reason this seems like emasculation is that he was hiding who he really was from you so he could get laid. Well… Also because there’s no reason to talk to you about that stuff because you’re not supposed to be able to understand it based on his history of dating dumb, bleached-blonde with black roots T&A chicks.

      Having said all that.. You only get that response from guys that feel that way already. You’re not making him into a chump.. He already was. If you attain the same level of intimacy, trust & truth with an Alpha, you might get an entirely different set of information. He might confide in you that he has four other chicks besides you and he’s screwing all of y’all and he has no intention of making a choice, EVAR. He might let you know that he would LIKE for you to stick around, but it really doesn’t matter to him one way or the other because he can pick up more chicks later today and replenish his roster regardless of how many chicks he loses today.

      The point I was making before, however, is that if you look at all of the top “He-Man” movies, “Gladiator”, “300”, “Rob Roy”… *NONE* of those guys are dating or married to WEAK-MINDED FEMALES. Strong-minded guys have no use for weak chicks because they’re not bringing anything to the table other than looks and sex. Every time there’s something that needs to be done, you see the guy lampin’ with his woman and doing what?… ASKING HER ADVICE. REQUESTING HER COUNSEL. CHECKING HIS CONCLUSIONS AGAINST HERS. You never see them go “**** what THIS ***** is talking about.. I’m gonna do what *I* wanna do!”.

      This is because he selected a strong woman with whom to have genetically-superior kids. SHE’S the one that’s going to have to raise and educate the kids. SHE’S the one that has to handle the household while you’re away doing what you do for money or glory. You’re not going to entrust any of that to some numbskull and you’re CERTAINLY not going to consult her on important matters ranging from politics to war.

      This is why I said the reason she was selected is the important factor. If she was selected for entertainment, she can kiss equality, respect and trust goodbye because nobody cares what she thinks. If she was selected because her mind, body and spirit were all in the right place for him to say “Let me welcome this equal to my table”, he’s not only going to EXPECT her to ask him questions but he’s going to ACTIVELY SEEK HER OPINIONS because he knows that both of their minds working together yields better and faster results than if he tried to figure out all his issues on his own.

  2. “You’re not making him into a chump. He already was. If you attain the same level of intimacy, trust & truth with an Alpha, you might get an entirely different set of information.”
    Great! No culpability, and yet, Hope!

    Minds working together to yield better and faster results plus emtional intimacy plus sharp desire is the perfect combo.
    Your incisive mind yields pretty excellent results through your posts. A tipping point could be near!!
    Thanks! 😀

    1. Ultimately, the issue is how REAL people are wiling to be with each other, which in most cases, IMO, is “not very”.

      If someone’s always running their mouth and their SO *WISHES* they would STFU, they’re going to eat it because they know the consequences of that person finding out that their way of being is annoying would actually be worse than staying quiet and mumbling about them under their breath.

      Is that “nice”? Yes. Is that authentic? No. The honest way through that situation would be to inform that person about their incessant yammering and how annoying it is. Feelings will be hurt, but you end up on the other side with an honest relationship in that area… OR no relationship at all if the yammerer decides to bounce. \o/

  3. The problem with most relationships is that people start assuming stuff right of the bat. Like now i finally get to meet his/her friends or family, i finally get to see where he/she works etc.. but the worst assumption of all is the fact that now your in a two way street. A two way street where both parties are supposed to share info make decisions together i.e your equals (when it comes to decision making). However in reality most relation ships are simply 1 way streets or more like 2 one way streets going in opposite directions that happened to be next to each other. so what happens is once you start to try to have input in the situation you end up going the “wrong way down a one way” and that ain’t good.

    1. Yeah, that’s entirely the point. People assume that fringe benefits come with relationships that just plain don’t. If someone calls you their SO because they like having sex with you, that doesn’t mean they give a damn what you think, want to hear what you think or are going to ever FOLLOW any of your suggestions.

      I see that a lot.. That people think they have juice and they don’t. Unfortunately, as has been pointed out here over the last two weeks, when people get in relationships, they tend to drink Kool-Aid and override the common sense of Human Nature for the fairy tale of “It’s All About Me” until they try to assert themselves and get told to talk to the hand or they get ignored outright.

  4. great article:) right to the point…what are your views on guys who ignore women and then when she ignores him back he’s interested.

    Another aspect is making a bad first impression suppose a woman appeared to be interested and have a great personality to a guy who she met online and then when they meet in person she appears to be uninterested and try to tell him later on not to stereotype her. What are your views on this?

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