A reader asked me a question the other day that pertained to my post “Hard To Get” vs “Expensive To Buy”. I’d like to clarify my position on dating & monetary exchanges…
The basic point of that post was that if a gal requires some kind of monetary exchange from a guy in order to give it up, she’s essentially a hooker. Sex for Money is Prostitution and there’s no way around that, purely by definition.
What happens is that the guy adds up the expenses he incurred while attempting to get on, and that becomes her “purchase price”, let’s call it. Buy her an expensive dress and you can get some. Take her out to three dinners and you can get some. She’s basically been reduced to a simple business transaction… “So long as I can afford X, she’ll give me Y”.
The solution to this for women is to make it clear that y’all are acting from your own personal power. You need to let a guy know that you hooked up with him because you wanted to and not because you accepted being bought.
When I wrote that post, I was speaking specifically to the issue of gals that think they’re making themselves look good by holding out and then eventually giving it up. The problem with that style is how you’re perceived by that guy, going forward. If he thinks he bought you, once or several times, that’s a pretty terrible look for you.
The issue that was brought to my attention yesterday is that there are LOTS of guys for whom MONEY is their ONLY rap style. I hadn’t considered the situation from the viewpoint of a woman that’s *OFFERED* money, gifts, dinners, clothes, trips, etc because that’s that particular suitor’s style of wooing females and NOT because she requested any of these things from him before being willing to interact with him the way she genuinely wanted to from the first time she saw him.
This is a slightly complex situation which hinges upon the reason (in his own mind) why he’s spending money on her. He might consider himself doing her favors, as any guy might do for a gal he likes. He might consider himself building equity towards sex, like layaway. He might consider himself demonstrating to her that he can provide for her and offer her “the finer things in life” if she chooses to be his woman (and possibly fiancee or bride).
The other issue is how SHE feels about receiving money, items & favors from guys that are courting her. Some women like to pay their own way… ALL THE TIME. :D Some gals are used to the game and they know what’s probably coming down the line if they start accepting things from guys, which is “What can I get in return for all those goods & services I provided you? >:D”.
Perception Is Reality
Some women don’t want the time that they’re taking to get to know a guy and figure out if they want to mess with him to be perceived by him as the time it’s taking him to buy sex from her. Some gals like to demonstrate that they have careers too and they make money too and they want to come to the table as equals and not dependents.
As usual, I think communication is the key here. Gifts either need to be rejected with an “I appreciate that, but no thanks :)” or accepted while making sure that he understands that his gesture isn’t getting him any closer to getting laid.
That’s a tricky issue as well, obviously, because saying “Wow! :D .. This is GREAT, and you still can’t get any! :D” isn’t the best way to accept a gift.
Another thing that’s annoying, yet funny to me is guys that “Lead with their wallets” (statement credit: The Anh Vu Show). Instead of them having anything to say about themselves or even about *HER*, the first thing they want to tell chicks about is how much money they’re able to spend on her or what kinds of things they’ve already bought that she’ll be able to enjoy if she rolls with him. hahaha It’s *SO* Pathetic! :D
Countless times, I’ve overheard dudes telling chicks about their cars, boats, houses, expensive apartments, vacations they went on, salary and all other kinds of things that have NOTHING TO DO with one-on-one, interpersonal interactions, which, of course, are the essential *CORE* of dating. They’re basically saying “I know damned well that there’s nothing attractive about me as a person so maybe I can lure her in with these luxury items so she lays down for me anyway”.
Gimmicks & Bribery
Do I think dudes should use whatever gimmicks are available to them so they can get laid? Hellz Yah! :D … Do I think they should pull out the gimmicks *FIRST*? HELLZ NAW! :/ If you can’t get the rap off your looks, charisma & personality and the ship’s clearly sinking… *THEN* mention the Porsche & the yacht. Unfortunately, if that saves your rap, you know what kind of chick you have on your hands, so good luck with that.
A personal bias of mine, and I know this sounds funny as it potentially parallels how chicks are always clamoring for guys to want them for their minds or some other such ridiculousness, :D but I’m not really interested in chicks hanging around me so they can use me… for business purposes… so they can use me for business purposes… I have no problem with women using me if they run out of batteries for The Rabbit or The Butterfly… but I digress…
I’m not rich to begin with, but even if I were, I MOST CERTAINLY wouldn’t lead with my wallet because I’d rather have a chick come around because she wants to hang out with The Kid… Not because she knows she’s gonna be drinking for free or that she’s gonna meet a bunch of people that are actually DOING THINGS with their lives or she wants me to mix her new song or she wants to hang out with the cool kids and be all up in pictures & whatnot.
Then again.. If your wallet’s your last resort, it’s better to have that than to NOT have that. >:D
If the only way you’re going to get your hands on chicks is to bribe them, more power to ya and Good Luck with that. :D
As you can tell, I’m not a strip club fan either. The concept of giving a chick money for showing you her body is ludicrous at best. Chicks are supposed to want to show you their bodies FOR. FREE!.. Which, I suppose, takes us back to my initial point.
I got the title for this post from this song called “Ain’t Nothing Going On But The Rent” by Gwen Guthrie.
This song was an hilarious reply to the common way guys would greet gals and try to talk to them by saying “What’s going on? :D”, to which she would reply “Ain’t *NOTHING* going on, but the rent! :D”. I’m laughing right now, just thinking about how upsetting this reply is! :D
Here are some of the lyrics:
Bill collector’s at my door – what can you do for me?
No romance without finance, no romance without finance
Boy, nothin’ in life is free
That’s why I’m asking you, what can you do for me?
I’ve got responsibilities
So I’m lookin’ for a man who’s got some money in his hand
‘Cause ain’t nothin’ goin’ on but the rent
You got to have a J.O.B. if you want to be with me
Boy, your silky words are sweet
But we’re only wastin’ time if your pockets are empty
I got lots of love to give
But I will have to avoid you if you’re unemployed
Oh, you look good to me, your silky words are sweet
But your pockets sure look empty
It’s like, ok.. I get it. You’re a ho, if not an actual professional hooker. I get it.
I also get that guys will use gals as much as they can for free, so I can’t hate on women that attempt to procure monetary compensation for agreeing to lay down for 5 minutes (or less) worth of sex before dude falls asleep on top of her.
What’s Real & What’s For Sale?
Another WIN is making sure you understand HIS motivation for buying you stuff or giving you money or paying your phone bill or whatever.
He may very well be doing you a friendly favor. My friends and I buy each other rounds all the time… rounds of drinks, not ammunition.
It’s a social gesture that builds rapport and contributes to more of a “togetherness” feeling than if everyone’s paying for their own drinks.
OTOH, He may be keeping an accountant’s ledger of how much dough he’s spent on you, hoping that when he finally tells you what he really wants to do with you, you’ll feel too guilty from taking all those bribes to refuse his physical request.
Put it this way.. I’ve seen dudes drop $600 USD in one night in a strip club, buying 20-minute “Happy Ending” sessions in the back rooms. If you don’t think a dude will drop a couple hunnid to eventually (after several dates, shopping sprees or whatever) have you to himself for an entire evening, you’re mad.
There’s no amount of money that a guy can pay a gal to have sex with him that makes y’all look GOOD, so your best bet is to make it clear that money, gifts & special considerations don’t have ANY effect on your decision-making processes, whatsoever. If he’s clear on that and still wants to buy you stuff and you’re willing to receive it from him, good for you… Enjoy! :D
Trust & Believe that you’re way better off remaining broke (poor) and retaining his respect for you as well as your own self-respect than you will be if you have a couple more dresses in your closet or eat a couple of steaks and he thinks of you as ass for sale.