If you’d like to know how to get a date, make sure you DON’T do what Vinny did this week on MTV’s “Jersey Shore”. 😀
10 months ago, in November 2009, I explained that I don’t date in my post “Dating vs. Hanging Out”. There’s no reason to go on dates. I hang out with chicks and either they get lucky or they don’t.
So it was funny to me this week to hear Pauly breaking it down about how he never goes on dates, so now that he’s met a girl he wants to take somewhere, he’s nervous about how the evening’s going to go and he wants to do things right.
It was also funny watching Mike take that chick to the bar bathroom, since that’s something I talked about three years ago, back in November 2007, in “Take Her To The Book Store”, where I said:
“Now, obviously, taking a chick to a book store doesn’t help you to get on, ASAP… which is the entire reason you took her out in the first place. If you didn’t want to tap that, you wouldn’t be on a date with her. You’d be HANGING OUT. So, since she considered herself on a date, the job of the guy was to demonstrate to her WHY she should be his girlfriend/fiancee/wife, whatever he has in mind for her. All he was expressing to her by taking her to the book store was that he DIDN’T intend to hit it anytime soon, and he’d rather read a book then try to get her alone in a bar bathroom with a couch and a lock on the door.”
So the scene was set for Pauly and Vinny to go on a double-date in this week’s episode. This created too many problems to count, but let’s go over a few of the facts…
Pauly is the Jersey Shore team leader when it comes to getting girls. People think it’s Mike because the squeaky wheel gets the oil. If you’ve watched the entire series so far, Pauly hunts for quantity but prefers quality. Mike will take anything he can get. This is going to make Mike look like the squad leader, but he’s more like that dude you send to kick it to a pack of eight chicks because you know he’ll do it. Doesn’t matter whether he wins or loses, he’ll dive in headfirst.
Vinny is the rookie recently brought up from the minor leagues. This is
alluded to boldly stated throughout the series. In fact, recently, Vinny pulled a chick on his own, and the fellaz were obviously and visibly surprised that he actually succeeded.
Vinny ALSO hooked up with both Nicole and Angelina, the two lowest chicks on the totem pole out of the four female cast members. Nicole climbed on top of him while he was already in bed and she was horny. Angelina started making out with him in a cab coming from the club and gave him some when they got home because she was horny. Neither one of those situations was engineered by Vinny. Both chicks just… fell into his lap. 😀
There’s nothing wrong with Vinny being an amateur. Everyone has to start somewhere. I’m saying that in general, this isn’t a good combination. You NEVER want to double-date with a wingman that’s not on your level. You’re going to have to babysit his rap the entire time. You have to hope the girl he invites has some quality and class to her. You have to hope he doesn’t bring up STUPID TOPICS during the evening. You have to hope she’s not some idiot that’s going to cause a scene and ruin the night for YOU and your date. You have to hope that he knows when to break off and take his chances with his girl so you can have private time with yours without telling him directly to break out. You have to hope that you aren’t dragged down by your chick thinking that you must be similar to him because you’re homeboys….
So the situation was poor to begin with, even *IF* Pauly had been comfortable with and used to taking chicks out on dates.
You have to actually be STYLISH to date women successfully. All you need to hook up is to look good to a chick, have some money or fame or catch her when she’s drunk enough to give it up. Moving up from hookups to dating is like a fighter moving up in weight class. Your opponents are heavier, tougher to damage and hit harder. You’re going to be less mobile and your punches are going to be slower. It’s a serious upgrade, and this ‘Jersey Shore’ double-date was an absolute recipe for disaster. 😀
Rapping To Girls (Kickin’ It)
In general, if you’re gonna kick it to a chick, you have to recognize yourself as the leader. You have to be better than her IN SOMETHING, or else there’s no reason why she should hook up with YOU instead of staying single or kickin’ it with the next man.
Guys don’t understand this and they think you get raps by being a ***** and doing whatever she tells you to do. As we also found out from this episode, that’s what makes YOU the guy that takes her out on dates and buys her watches and then she goes to the club, gets drunk, makes out with and then has sex with a guy that never did ANYTHING for her *AND* told her earlier in the day that she’s ugly and she looks like a man.
If you go to a chick begging, that makes you what?… That’s right… A beggar.
You’re that disheveled-looking dude that stands in front of McDonald’s, pulling the door open for people and asking them if they could spare a little change on the way out. You think chicks like to hook up with those dudes? Nope… But they might drop a quarter in his cup, which you misinterpret as success.
That’s success to a bum.
So… Please, Dudes… STOP. BEGGING! 😀
If you want something, tell her what you want and then sink or swim. If you didn’t get it, she didn’t give it to you. Sucks to be you. However, it would suck EVEN MORE if you BEGGED HER and then STILL didn’t get what you wanted.
Stop buying chicks stuff they haven’t earned and don’t deserve. Stop calling them “Baby” and “Love” and “Honey” the first week you started dating them. Do chicks fall for this kind of stuff? Sure. Are those girls worth anything? Nope.
If you’re just trying to hook up with whatever girl you can get for the night, knock yourself out with gimmicks and tactics. If you actually want to get involved in a Long Term Relationship (LTR) with a quality gal, focus on self-improvement, make yourself the best guy you can be and then step to her honestly with what you have available to offer her and she’ll go for it or she won’t.
Just remember that however you start the rap is how you’re going to finish the rap. If you kicked it to her like some fanboy that wants her autograph on that poster of her in a bikini that you have on your wall, that’s who you’re gonna be throughout y’all’s relationship.. however extremely BRIEF that relationship might become. >:D
DSS, DTF, GTL & GBC
Disclaimer: I’m a video editor. I make television shows from raw materials (video, audio, graphics, text…). I have to say before I get started with this that I’m fully aware that Vinny’s rap might actually be way better than this and MTV set him up to look like he doesn’t know what he’s doing by not airing the good parts of what he said and only showing the lame stuff. 😀
So I’m watching the show, right? 😀 And they go to the club like they always do, because that’s where the drunk girls are that are most likely to be DTF (Down To ****), which my homeboys that hunted with me in college remember as DSS (Down for the Stroke-Ski).
Interestingly enough, DSS is the reason you want to GTL (Gym, Tan, Laundry), or in my case, GBC (Gym, Beer, Chicks) because I already have the Tan thing on lock. 😉
If you GTL and show up to the club looking funky-fresh, you could pull a chick without doing anything more than that because contrary to popular belief, lots of chicks want to hook up with a guy JUST because he looks good to them. No gimmicks. No tricks. No talking. Just show up looking good and you have a good chance of hooking up with a chick right off the bat.
So that’s what the guys on ‘Jersey Shore’ do. Pauly’s forte is his hair. Mike’s forte is his stomach. Ronnie’s forte is his dancing (when he’s not acting docile when Sammi’s around so he can make sure he gets laid later tonight). Vinny doesn’t have a forte… Vinny is basically “The man next to the man”. He’s like one of the extra dudes in Entourage.
So the goal is that you go to the club and you do whatever gets you the most chicks and you see what you can come off with for the night.. Makeouts, Numbers, Dates, Chicks that come back to the hot tub, Whatever…
Vinny Up To Bat
So the club night’s going on as usual and then (again, according to MTV’s edit! HAHAHA), Vinny goes “We all decide to go to ‘Tantra’ and I see the most beautiful girl I’ve seen in Miami”.
Off the bat, I was like “Here We Go!!! :D” haha I’ve seen enough footage from Miami Beach to know that there IS no “Most Beautiful Girl in Miami”. There’s just a slew of hawt chicks and this, in Vinny’s estimation, was one of them.
Yes, you can argue that that was a statement of subjective opinion and that TO HIM, she WAS the most beautiful girl he had seen since he got there. However, my guess is that the sudden jolt of horniness caused him to suddenly feel that way. I know that a few times in my life, I’ve been literally STUNNED by how attractive a chick was to me, like suspended-animation STUNNED! :O so I know how, in that particular moment, a guy can FEEL that way without it actually being the truth. It has more to do with hawtness + proximity. It would have been more accurate to state that this was the most attractive gal he’d been within 10 feet of since he got to Miami.
So the first thing MTV has Vinny saying to her is “I love you”.
That’s absolutely ridiculous. Her reply to him is “I love you too”. That’s known as a lie. There’s no way that Vinny led off his rap with “I love you”, so we missed out on his actual open and whatever he said before that line.
I don’t know where to properly start with this so I’m just going to ramble. 😀 If you meet a chick that you’ve never seen before in life and within the first, oh.. let’s say… three hours of meeting her, you tell her that you love her, you’re either lying, trying to game her, you fall in love at the drop of a hat or you have no ******* idea what love is at all. Either way, it’s NOT a good look. :/
If you’re lying or gaming her, you look like a Player… and not even a good one at that. You’re toast.
If you can fall in love with a girl you just saw at a club, that means you can fall in love tomorrow and the next day as well. According to common belief, a person can’t be in love with two people at the same time, so you’re automatically setting yourself up to look like the wrong person for her to be in an LTR with.
If you don’t know what love is, and every time you feel like screwing a hawt chick, you think that’s love, that’s not attractive to women that are looking for a Significant Other, so you blew your rap.
It turns out that on top of kickin’ lame-ass rap lines, Vinny was trying to rap to the hired help. No Good. :/
Surprise of Surprises.. The girl Vinny thought was so beautiful was a HIRED DANCER AT A CLUB. That’s one step down from STRIPPER (or, step up? haha depending on which direction you think is better! :D), and the REASON girls like that are hired is because they LOOK GOOD.
What Vinny said amounted to “I watched a movie with Natalie Portman in it and I found out that Natalie Portman looks good. You’re not saying anything new or original. You’re not saying anything endearing. She KNOWS she looks good. She knows that’s why she was hired and she knows that when she no longer looks good, she’s going to be fired.
Anyway… You don’t rap to Hired Help because they are SCARED. OF. BEING. FIRED. Whatever you tell them, they’re going to make you feel like you’re the A1 customer because that way, you pay her a lot of money as a tip and you don’t tell her boss that she’s a crabby bitch and that she should be fired for not being nice to you.
You don’t rap to strippers. You don’t rap to “dancers”. You don’t rap to cashiers at Burger King. You don’t rap to the chick in the Western Union window when you cash a check. You don’t rap to the waitress COUGHunlessyou’retigerwoodsorairmcnairCOUGH. You don’t rap to the coat-check girl. You don’t kick it to your boss’ maid. You don’t kick it to your cousin’s nanny…..
You don’t kick it to any of these chicks because whatever they tell you is going to be the best thing for them to save their jobs and get paid. What they tell you has nothing to do with the truth. You love them?… They Love YOU!!! 😀 You want to go out on a date with them? They want to go out on a date with you!!! 😀 Just so long as you hand over the money and don’t get them fired, these chicks will tell you ANYTHING to get you out of their faces.
If you’re just one of those guys that just feels the NEED to hook up with Hired Help, let them know you like them, give them your number already written down on paper for them and step. If they *WANT* to call you, they will. If they don’t, they won’t. It’s all in the game.
I’m So Happy I’m Talking To You
So… After Vinny tells this chick he’s never seen before that he loves her, which is a blatantly transparent obvious bullshit lie and she reciprocates, he tells her “I’m so happy I’m talking to you”…….. WHAT??? 😀
So now he looks like he never gets to talk to attractive women. Another HORRIBLE look! 😀
I don’t think guys realize that those two statements don’t go together. If you love a gal and you happen to be desperate, you aren’t much of a critic, are you? o_O It’s like Eddie Murphy said about when you’re dying of hunger in the desert and then someone hands you a cracker, that’s THE BEST CRACKER YOU EVER TASTED! 😀
If you’re going to tell a chick you love her, in the romantic relationship sense as opposed to the human relationship sense of appreciating her as a person and being grateful that you made her acquaintance and y’all have been able to kick it for years, you have to follow that up with some sort of line like “Out of my 2,400 Facebook Friends, you’re the gal that really inspires me to settle down! :D”.
Next, hahahahahahaha oh man.. Vinny goes “I wish you weren’t working.. I would buy you a drink and I would romance you”.
I know this sounds absolutely ridiculous. I assure you I’m not making this horrible rap up on my own! 😀 If you want to see it yourself, go watch Jersey Shore episode 208: “All In The Family” and fast-forward to 43 minutes into the program (with commercials. Probably about 30 minutes into the show without commercials) or watch it online by clicking here.
“I wish you weren’t working”?.. Irrelevant. She *IS* working. In a club. As visual entertainment for people that are visually attracted to sexy women. Don’t bother saying what you wish. Stick to the facts.
“I would buy you a drink“?.. Isn’t this the same guy that got to screw Angelina without buying her anything while her suitor was taking her out on dates and buying her watches? o_O Get a clue, dude. Sex is free. Saying “I would spend my hard-earned cash on you” isn’t an aphrodisiac.. Especially not to a chick who makes money off her looks and has guys telling her she’s attractive every single night. Guys with a lot more money than you. Guys with a lot more prestige than you. Guys that look better than you. Guys that can make it so she never has to work again a day in her life. Guys that can buy her a drink in Paris, Capisce? 😀
“I would romance you”?… C’MON, SUNN! :/
Wife Her Up
This is already a train wreck and I wish it would have ended here, but it didn’t.
Next, Vinny goes “I’m gonna tell everybody I found my wife, alright?.. Is that alright with you?”
First of all.. How in the hell are you going to “Find your wife” who was hired to dance in a club because you watched her dance and felt horny enough about it to only screw her and not mess with other chicks, having been at said club for like 3 hours, max? :/ You look like you find wives every day.. I mean, even the DUMBEST chick isn’t actually going to believe you.
Second.. Who cares if that’s alright with her?.. It’s YOUR feelings. If that’s how you feel, own it. If you want her for yourself, own that. If you want her for your wife or to bear your kids or to sit around reading books together or whatever your BDSM fantasy about her is, that’s a FACT and it’s not something that’s potentially modified by her feelings about how YOU feel.
Again.. If you just HAVE to go out like this, leave it at “I’m gonna tell everybody I found my wife”. PERIOD. I highly suggest that you leave out any mentions of love or marriage until you a) find out the first thing about her ******* personality, b) spend time with her to see if you enjoy doing anything other than fantasizing about screwing her, and c) take enough time where it looks like you’re making an educated decision about her as an entire person as opposed to her looks, and in this particular case, her ability to dance in a way that makes you feel like tappin’ that.
Next.. He goes “I’m not gonna talk to any other girls tonight”, which begs the obvious question “So What? \o/” or “Who Cares? \o/”.
I don’t know what kind of girls that line works on, but it seems to be a staple in their society. Ronnie went to the club and made out with, danced with and got as many numbers from all the girls he possibly could and then crawled into bed with Sammi at the end of the night by telling her that he didn’t “talk to any girls” while he was at the club. I really don’t know how stupid you have to be to think that a guy goes to a club to do nothing. He could have done nothing by staying at home with you.. In fact, he could have gotten blown if he had stayed with you but he elected to go to the club instead… That should tell you something right thurrrr. 😀
So I’m guessing that “I’m not going to talk to any other girls tonight” was an indication from Vinny that he was already committed to his relationship to his future wife that he just met right now after drooling over watching her dancing because if she didn’t have a hawt body, she’d be a secretary somewhere and he would never have met her.
I Need Your Number
Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please….. You need water. You need oxygen. You would like to have food, clothing, a roof over your head and some inkling of physical safety. You do not NEED a chick’s number. You WANT a chick’s number.
Of course, Vinny’s next line after the wife thing was “I need your number”. Let’s think about this. What if she would have said “Naw. That’s Aiite” and not given it to him? (which wasn’t likely, because she didn’t want to get fired from her job) Would Vinny have exploded? Would he have keeled over? Nah. Nothing would have happened, except he would have been saved from further embarrassment down the line.
Needy people Need things. If you NEED a chick’s number, what else do you need? o_O Do you need her to cook dinner for you every night? Do you need her to bear you at least four kids? Do you need her to take shooting lessons at the range?
On top of that.. WHO THE **** CARES WHAT *YOU* NEED? Who the hell are you? You’re the 35th guy that wanted to take her out, TONIGHT, after 70 guys wanted to take her out last night and 110 guys wanted to take her out last weekend. Nobody cares what you need. If you WANT her number, ask her for it.
The chick’s response to this was absolutely amazing. She goes “Okay. I’ll go get it right now”.
…. Get it?… GET her own number? o_O
Get it from whom? Get it from her phone, which she didn’t have a place to clip it onto her bikini while she was utilizing her body to get money?
Right there, I was like “AWW, HERE. WE. GO!!! :D”. How does a “dancer” not know her own number? What if Vinny had been a talent agent and thought she would have been a good actress for a part? What if he didn’t have time for her to go “GET” her number? What if she would have missed out on her big break because she couldn’t remember 10 digits in her ******* head?
Most likely, what she was doing was going to get the number to her backup phone. This is the phone number you give out to people that doesn’t matter at all because it’s not your real number.
If she had been smart, she would have memorized her backup phone number so she could rattle it off to guys like this every time they proposition her. Instead, she had to go somewhere to retrieve her own phone number. Sounds like “Wifey Material” to me! :/
Once again.. This is what you get when you kick it to the Hired Help. They’re going to use all of their defensive mechanisms to make sure you pay as much money as you’re willing to pay AND you don’t say anything to the management that could get them fired.
On MTV, this entire exchange took approximately one minute (60 seconds). It probably took me 10 minutes to watch because I kept NOT believing what he said, pausing the tape to laugh about it, going back over it to hear him say it again, laughing more and then finally getting enough of it where I could move forward and be satisfied with the amount of laughs I just got… Only to be confronted with yet another rap-sinking line that sent me into yet another fit of laughter. I was rather close to actual tears escaping, I was laughing so hard.
Basically, when you do stuff like this, all you’re saying is “Hi there. I’m a sucker for attractive women” and that’s about it.
On top of that, Vinny’s presentation said “I have on a t-shirt, no blazer and I’m wearing a hat indoors and you should want to be my girlfriend for some odd reason”.
You will not win out over the guy in the Hugo Boss suit waving the keys to his Ferrari because you told some chick she’s beautiful and you’re not going to talk to any other girls tonight. That works on low-level females, but if you’re going to have aspirations of kickin’ it to higher-class women, you’re gonna have to step your game up quite a bit. You can’t go out with your BB gun, prepared to shoot rabbits and then take down a bear when you meet one by accident.
If you’re going out on the town, put your best visual foot forward. If your best foot is a t-shirt, good luck with that.
If your best foot is buying her a drink, prepare to be overshadowed by the guys that are buying bottles of champagne at 10x the cost (or whatever the exchange rate is.. I don’t buy chicks champagne) of that beer you’re offering her.
You’re way better off figuring out what’s unique about you and offering that to her so she can take it or leave it. If there’s nothing unique about you, MAKE something unique. Dress in an interesting way. Figure out a hairstyle that looks good on you. Be a musician. Write long-ass blog posts that takes people as long to read as watching the actual episode of a show… DO *SOMETHING* that makes you stand out and makes women come after you instead of you having to chase them around all the time.
Throwing typical comments and perks at a chick can get you laid, for sure. That’s not necessarily going to make the grade if you’re trying to get her to go for a LTR with you.
Unfortunately, rapping to women requires on-the-job training. You get better at it by doing it. Your best bet is to go on “dates” with a bunch of gals you don’t actually want to kick it to so you can practice being nice to them. That way, you’ll be confident of your game when the time comes when you really need to make it happen and impress that gal that you’re hoping to lock down for more than one evening or longer than it takes her to find a guy that’s offering her more gimmicks than you did.
I was gonna let this fiasco slide, but my homeboy Jimmy ‘Slim Jim’ Rodriguez asked me to write something about it. 🙂 I’ll post the rest of this ridiculousness in part two, “Dating vs. Hooking Up [Hunters, Part 11]”.
If you agree or disagree with any of my points, let me know in the comments below or click my Facebook link.