Yeah.. My Boys Are More Important Than Some Chick.

Now that Rachel has me watching “Millionaire Matchmaker”, I can see that this is going to be my new weekly source of material, now that “Jersey Shore” is over.

So, this week, this millionaire dude is on the show and Patti asks him what he’s looking for in a female. He basically says that his only requirement is that he wants her to have an ass like Kim Kardashian:

Kim Kardashian Ass

Obviously, an ass like that should be written into law, along with “The Pursuit Of Happiness”, “Freedom Of Speech” and “A Chicken In Every Pot”, so there’s no arguing with a brotha’z selection process!!! >:D

So then, Patti compares dude to the show “Entourage”, because he’s always hanging out with his boys. He says that his friends are very important to him, and Patti asks “More important than the girl you’re dating?”…………….

There’s this long-ass pause while the guy thinks up a bullshit lie that he can attempt to cover up the truth with. If he had been being authentic, he would have said “HELLZ THE **** YEAH, MY BOYS ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN SOME CHICK I’M DATING! >:D”

Keep It Real

This is one of the problems with “dating”. People are always trying to weasel their way into getting what they want on the sneak tip. You never get the real person right off the bat.

This is going to be amplified under matchmaking conditions. If you decide to have a professional matchmaker like Maria Avgitidis fix you up, it’s honestly in your best interests to be authentic with her about what you’re looking for and what you’re bringing to the table.

As I understand, Maria always asks her clients “What challenges do you think I’ll face matching you?” — She’s just passive aggressively given you a dose of realty and you should probably thank her for that. ๐Ÿ˜€

If you’re not even going to look twice at a chick that doesn’t have a nice ass, say so.
If you already have a close set of friends that she’s going to have to JOIN if she wants to stand a chance of having a lasting relationship with you, say so.
If you only want to date chicks that drink almost as much as you do, say so.

The guy in question happened to be from New York City. Not a transplant from the sticks.. Someone that grew up here. People from other places aren’t going to be clear on how important your close, ultimately-valued friends are. They’re not going to understand what you’ve gone through together… Your inner circle is where important decisions are made and important lessons are learned. Life-altering and shaping stuff.. WAY more important than whether you get laid or not.

This is one of the things that makes dating native New York guys tough for females. We’ve already formed our units. We already have our families. We have our blood-related families and we have our friends who have been there through pivotal times who have been an incredibly important part of making us who we are today. You just don’t make it on the streets of NYC without close friends that you rely on. “A girl that you’re dating” has a Long. Ass. Uphill. Climb. to make it anywhere NEAR the level of importance of the people that have been representing for you for years, with no end in sight.

This is why dude should have been authentic and said “Look.. I’m looking to add a hawt chick into my daily routine. She’s either going to get down with my usual program or get ejected.”

You have to help matchmakers help YOU… Just like what happened in the episode, whatever your true nature is will be revealed relatively soon, and then if the chick isn’t with it, she’s gonna bounce.

I’m Not A Big Drinker

Similarly.. The only viable female (best ass) on that episode should have been straight up about her drinking habits.

Here’s what happened when they were sitting together, chatting at the initial meetup party:

Chick: “Tell me a little bit more about yourself.. What do you do for fun, though?”
Dude: “What do I do for fun?.. I.. You know.. [edit].. just have a good time, get drunk.. How about you?”
Chick: “I’m actually not a big drinker.”

Granted.. The show is edited and dude probably said a bunch of other stuff to her. However.. Here’s a tip for the ladies.. ๐Ÿ˜€

If you ask a dude what he does for fun and his response is GET DRUNK, assume that’s what he’s going to plan to do when he’s with you. Before I saw this episode, I had never in my life heard of a guy actually TELLING a chick that he likes to get drunk in a pre-date situation. This is a RED-ASS-FLAG, ladies. Get a clue.

Your other tip is this: If you’re describing yourself, don’t beat around the bush. Stick to the facts. If you are NOT. A. DRINKER. AT. ALL., don’t describe yourself as “Not a big drinker”. You’re doing yourself a major disservice. If you’re not DTF, don’t act like you MIGHT be willing to hook up with him… Make definite statements, such as “I don’t drink” and “I don’t usually have sex at all, except for with my vibrator”.

I had an interesting situation occur recently where I went out for drinks with a chick. The first drink we were ordering from the bartender, I could have *SWORN* I heard her ask for 1/2 a beer! ๐Ÿ˜€

She’s not an American, so I figured this might have been one of her country’s customs, that they actually will serve you 1/2 of a beer! ๐Ÿ˜€

So the bartender had clearly been hired for his looks and not his intelligence and served both of us full beers, completely ignoring or failing to mentally grasp and process her request for 1/2 of a beer… The next round I ordered, I got another beer and she ordered soda, like, with nothing in it.. Just soda. This indicated to me that she, in fact, had desired 1/2 of a beer and had already consumed more alcohol than she wanted to during our hangout. In fact, I had never asked her what her tolerance for alcohol was before we entered the bar. All I knew was that I was going to get *MY* drink on, REGARDLESS, and if she wanted to do that too, that was on her. >:D

BC & LCThis is why y’all want to be *SPECIFIC* when the topic of drinking (or sex) comes up.

I’m a big drinker.

If you tell me “I’m not actually a big drinker”, I’m going to translate that relatively, not absolutely.

All that means to me is “I drink less than you do”.

Most people on this planet drink less than I do.

A friend of mine found me instantaneously at a function that had hundreds of people attending it by walking directly to the bar. She knew damned well that I was going to be within striking distance of my next drink.

So.. If you don’t drink AT ALL, just say so. You might not get the date, but you won’t get put in uncomfortable situations either. If you’re not down to hook up at all, just say so. You DEFINITELY won’t get the date, but you won’t end up in uncomfortable situations either.

The Inner Circle

The Inner Circle isn’t specifically restricted to male membership. It’s not a Bros before Hoes” boys’ club. Cool females can just as easily earn their stripes as close friends & trusted confidantes. In fact, there are lots of things you might kick it with your close homegirls about that you never bring up to your boys at all.

This is another problem that women in NYC are going to come up against as they try to corral guys into exclusive relationships. I’m not giving up my homegirls for you or anybody else. In fact, you have a long-ass way to go before you’re even considered to be anywhere approaching their level of importance in my life, much less surpassing them and taking over some kind of leading role. You’re starting off like 30 people down in the ending movie credits when I meet you for the first time. Better women than you have tried to gain and maintain an important position on the roster and they’ve been gone for a long time now. Good Luck! ๐Ÿ˜€

In fact, this adds to the superficial nature of dating in NYC. Not only are there way more women than men here, but the guys already have women we enjoy spending time with. The only reason to add women to the roster is for sex or entertainment (or because she has an ass like Kim).

That’s why it’s extremely tough to match native New York guys with gals for exclusive relationships. We don’t need them. There’s no reason to settle down, whatesoever. It’s easier to match transplants, because they’re actually country boys from like Ohio or Alabama that moved here. They’re more likely to buy that one guy / one girl scenario.

A lot of gals don’t understand this and think that because they have the title of ‘girlfriend’, that gives them special position in a guy’s life. All that means is “This is the chick I hook up with the most”. It doesn’t mean we trust you. It doesn’t mean we’re going to choose your side over a gal we’ve known and cared about for years before we realized that you existed. It doesn’t mean we’re going to hang out with you at your grandmother’s house instead of going to the batting cages with the fellaz. It doesn’t mean we’re going to suddenly become sober because you don’t like to drink… It doesn’t mean anything at all, other than that you’re the most likely person to get a call when we feel horny.

Personality

This is why I always say that a gal’s personality is her most important asset.

Yeah, your looks get you in the door.

Yeah, the fact that you’re down to hook up keeps you in the game.

You’re never actually going to become IMPORTANT to a dude until he considers you one of his homies… one of his inner circle… one of “Tha Fellaz”. If he’s down to take you wherever he goes, that’s when you know you’re in there like Belvedere. If he brings you around his close friends and they treat you respectfully, you know that he’s already vouched for you. You’re not some pice of ass.. You’re his FRIEND. He respects you and he’s requested that his friends respect you as well.

You’re an extension of him. When they see you, they’re seeing him. That counts whether he’s standing next to you, whether he’s over at the bar getting another round or whether he’s not even in the same state and they ran into you in the street. He’s vetted you, so whatever amount of respect they have for him is automatically applied to you as if you were his girlfriend, wife, cousin or sister.

He doesn’t have to tell you this, and most likely won’t. It’s an agreement between the people that are already “down”. The difference is obvious between someone that’s important to you and some chick you happen to be hooking up with. The hookup-chicks come and go like the wind. Here Today, Gone Tomorrow. Wipe your hands. Brush your shoulder off. Nobody even asks what happened to them because they know the drill.

So if you’re relying on your looks, you’re gonna end up short. If you’re relying on the fact that you’re DTF, you’re gonna end up short. Use whatever tricks you have up your sleeve to get your foot in the door and then get to know guys and let them know you. Dudes aren’t lonely in NYC. We already have a bunch of dudes to hang out with. We already have a bunch of gals to hang out with. All we have to do is head down to Times Square or Bryant Park and we’ll be literally SURROUNDED by foyine chicks.

Distinguish yourself by your personality. It’s your only win in this city. Trust & Believe that regardless of what guys might tell you in order to gas your head up and get you to lay down, Until you’re considered a member of his inner circle, you’re nowhere near as important to him as you think you are.

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14 Comments

  1. When guys tell me They Dont Drink my mind always goes into *panic-panic mode* I gets DOWN on de booze so when I meet non-drinkers Im basically looking for the fire escape.

    1. lolol ๐Ÿ˜€ You could get a *WITNESS* on that one, Angela!!! ๐Ÿ˜€

      When I meet people that don’t share my hobbies, it’s rarely a good match. ๐Ÿ˜€

  2. You do realize that if someone asks you during your date “What do you do for fun?” – it’s really code for,”You are ridiculously boring. Tell me something that you do that you think is fun and exciting to prove me that you aren’t as boring as I think you are.”

    1. Yeah.. That’s a good point. ๐Ÿ™‚

      The funny thing about the actual episode is that when you first see the dude, he comes off as a PLAYAH! ๐Ÿ˜€ .. Down the line, when you see his interaction in the party that’s set up for him and on the date before he takes her to meet his homeboys, you see a different side of him. He’s totally choking and fumbling, even though, to his credit, he admits that he’s overwhelmed by being surrounded by women that are there specifically to meet him.

      This dude had a chick with a “Kim Ass” in hand and the only thing he could figure out to do with her was to take her to a bar where several of his male friends were hanging out, drinking, with *ZERO* females in their party. That’s lame as hell. :/

      Dude clearly has two different personas.. WITH bros and WITHOUT. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s just not fair for a chick to have to deal with both Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

      At the very least, he should have had all of his boys bring females so it didn’t look like the girl he brought was the proverbial pig with the apple in her mouth. The kiss was lame, too. If you have to wait for your boys to suggest that you make out with a chick before you do it, you may as well hang it up.

  3. Bill- you’re a great writer! I loved this. My husband and I were watching this very episode last night choking on our spit! After reading this, I’m thanking my lucky stars that myself, and most of my clients, live in Denver! It was so clear that this man’s insecurities around women were causing bad behavior. His comfort was clearly with men and he couldn’t wait to get comfortable again. It had nothing to do with “introducing her”. He’s just got intimacy issues. I really adore men in general, but this gal was so right to stick to her guns. At least they both know there shouldn’t be a second date. I couldn’t agree more with you about people needing to be really authentic up front. That’s my number one mantra! Who has time to waste?

    1. Thanks for the props and comments, Jaime! ๐Ÿ˜€

      You’ve actually taken the conversation deeper than I intended with the article.

      Dude was definitely Jekyll & Hyde-ing in the way that you mention. He becomes a different guy around women, depending on whether his boys are there or not. It was interesting to watch, similar to how some guys are tough guys when they have their friends backing them up and then they STFU when they’re by themselves and might have to fight one-on-one if they talk trash to someone.

      I’m glad it was captured on tape, because it’s obvious and something I never actually considered before… In fact, I don’t suspect he would have *EVER* kissed her except for the ability to hide behind the excuse of “I only kissed you because my boys were chanting for it and I was drunk”.

      He was totally a fish out of water at his party to select from the gals, which is what surprised me off the bat. From his intro section, it seemed like he was Ballin’, Shot-Callin. I was actually looking forward to his half of the episode because I thought he was going to regulate.

      When Amy walked into the “firing squad” room with the other two chicks, I was like “CHA-CHING!!! BADA-BING, BADA-BOOM!!! WE HAVE A WINNAH!!! >:D”.. I was so looking forward to watching this dude trump her and then it just didn’t happen. His confidence is ZERO unless he’s around his boys. Frankly, I felt embarrassed as a guy, watching it. ๐Ÿ˜€

      There’s nothing wrong with lacking confidence. There’s something wrong with deriving your confidence from being around other people. If the only reason you pulled a chick is because you were around your boy, don’t be surprised when HE screws her too because it was really HIS rap from the giddyap and you were just piggybacking.

      The other thing that was pathetic was that when he brought her to be scrutinized by his friends, NOT. ONE. OF. THEM. MOTHER*******. had brought a female with them. Sorry… :/ Several guys, one girl and tons of alcohol indicates gangbang/train/it ain’t no fun, ‘less’n my homies could get some. Absolutely Pathetic.

      My take-away from that episode is something that I’ve already known for years. You can have all the money you want, and if you don’t have confidence, style and a track record of success, you’re not going to be **** when it comes to pulling girls.

      I’d rather be broke & effective than rich and a Herb.

  4. Bill C. You know I have NOTHIN but love and respect for you and your vast wisdom in the game (by which I mean the game of life, not some poser’s attempt to trick girls into givin’ up the goods).

    That said I gotta say, I take issue with the end of your penultimate section on the inner circle. I’m not gonna even go NEAR the word “Girlfriend” with a casual perpetually DTF hottie unless I can say “friend” about her and have it mean a whole lot more than #1 booty call. Even if you negotiate nonexclusivity, not super serious, etc. etc., throwing around “my girlfriend” without some for real bond is a serious diss both to the lady in question and anyone who you call friend.

    May seem like I’m splitting hairs but language has power.

    peace.

    1. Hey Dave. Thanks for the comment. ๐Ÿ˜€

      Iโ€™m not gonna even go NEAR the word โ€œGirlfriendโ€ with a casual perpetually DTF hottie unless I can say โ€œfriendโ€ about her and have it mean a whole lot more than #1 booty call.

      Unless I missed something, that’s exactly what I said. ๐Ÿ˜€

      Unless a chick can a) be counted as a friend, and then b) be counted as an IMPORTANT friend, there’s no way she’s going to have a REAL position in the guy’s life that usurps importance from his long-time friends, male AND female, who have already proven their loyalty to him and he’s proven it to them.

      Let me know if I’m off base, but perhaps where we appear to differ is that I’m talking about guys and gals that call each other BF/GF without really knowing that much about each other. For instance, I was at a party over a year ago and ran into a guy and a gal that I knew individually. I ran into the guy first, and we greeted each other. The gal came over, and I greeted her, and she goes “Do you know my boyfriend?”, attempting to introduce me to my friend in case we hadn’t already known each other.

      What I wanted to say was “Oh. Cool. I didn’t know he’s tappin’ that now. :D”, shake his hand and give him a pat on the back for landing her. All I actually said was “Yeah. I know him. :)”. To me.. There wasn’t any difference between before and after she informed me that they were “an item”. A year or so later, they’re not “together” anymore, and that doesn’t make a difference to me either. So long as they both had a good time while they were “Boyfriend & Girlfriend”.

      So the point I was making about Patti’s question on the show as far as whether that dude’s male friends were more important than the girl he’s dating, the answer is “HELLZ THE **** YEAH, they’re more important!”… So I’m thinking that what you’re saying is that by the time you would have handed out the title “Girlfriend”, she would have ALREADY been important to you.

      That’s the way people SHOULD do it, but that’s not the way they OFTEN do it. Boyfriend & Girlfriend are terms used to reserve people for exclusive relationships. It often only means “We’re hooking up now, and we’re going to see if this becomes a real relationship”. It often DOESN’T mean “This chick is important to me and can’t be easily replaced”.

      The reason I brought it up in the NYC context is that we meet so many women all the time that it’s a regular revolving door. You meet more, you lose more, you meet more, you lose more, life goes on. Women do themselves a disservice by believing that just because a guy gave them a title, they’ve achieved automatic importance over his long-term, already-proven friends.

      This often becomes apparent when women attempt ultimatums such as “If you go out with the fellaz tonight, I’m not going to hook up with you for a week”, or “If I see you talking to a girl at the club, our relationship is over”. Some of these gals find out abruptly who’s more important than whom when dude does what he wants, she enacts the embargo and he’s immediately kickin’ it with the next chick, who now holds her title.

      I’ve seen dudes introduce different gals as their girlfriends on consecutive weeks. Some guys ALWAYS have multiple girlfriends (I’ve done this in the past, when it was more fun. :D). So I’m thinking that this might be where you feel our concepts differ. Let me know! ๐Ÿ˜€

  5. “When I meet people that donโ€™t share my hobbies, itโ€™s rarely a good match.”

    The truth of it all, nothing more to be said! I live this code, if she doesn’t like movies with sub-titles she is not going to like me! Love the post dude.

  6. What

    Iโ€™m thinking that what youโ€™re saying is that by the time you would have handed out the title โ€œGirlfriendโ€, she would have ALREADY been important to you.

    Yes this is basically where I’m at. And from

    Thatโ€™s the way people SHOULD do it, but thatโ€™s not the way they OFTEN do it.

    Sounds like you agree.

    Women do themselves a disservice by believing that just because a guy gave them a title, theyโ€™ve achieved automatic importance over his long-term, already-proven friends.

    And so what I’m saying is, from the guy’s perspective, all he can do is do it the way he SHOULD. Don’t go passin out the title if it doesn’t mean something more than #1 booty call, BECAUSE she’s likely to think it means something more than that. Don’t let a girl think she’s more important than she actually is. They’ll thank you for it if they’re smart.

    Now on the other side of the coin, Ladies, don’t go accepting titles unless you KNOW what they actually mean.

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