Buxom: I need some advice. About a year ago I removed myself from an 8 year relationship after finding out my ex got not one but two women pregnant.
Buxom: I uprooted my life and moved back in with my mother and went back to school. After 6 months of dating with no “hooking up” I realized I had unresolved trust issues and wasn’t ready to be in another relationship.
This makes sense. Part of entering a “relationship” with someone is vetting them.. personally vouching for them. You decide, using your own instincts that this person is trustworthy and actually loves you, yadda yadda.
When you find out something like dude hooked up with not only one, but TWO OTHER WOMEN (that you’re aware of) without using protection during an 8-year relationship with you, potentially endangering your health and or ENTIRE LIFE in the process, it’s going to be a traumatic experience.
You’re going to wonder how something like that could happen, when, in fact, stuff like that happens every single day to lots of men and women because saying “We’re in an exclusive relationship” doesn’t actually mean anything or have any bearing on what people decide to do when they’re in the presence of someone else that they naturally feel like hooking up with.
It becomes a loop, where you try to figure out where the bottom is, and there isn’t one. The only people that are worth trusting are the trustworthy. There’s no way to determine who that is, except for natural instinct combined with trial & error.
It’s actually worse than that because when you’re duped by someone, you fell for the okey-doke every single day, over and over. It’s not like there was one instance where they let you down, along an eight-year relationship. The event is one issue and then the lie about the event is a continuing issue. The two kids are merely evidence of the facts that you didn’t know about.
I’d be surprised if anyone DIDN’T have trust issues after something like that.
Buxom: Then a female friend of mines told me about an adult “dating” site designed for individuals interested in “hooking up with no strings attached.” So I created a profile posted a short bio and a short physical description of what I was looking for in partner. I found a guy, we chatted, exchanged medical history, we hooked up, it was awesome.
That’s pretty interesting. A lot of women swear up and down that they’re not into hooking up, yet sites like that are densely populated with women. :D
As far as “Exchanged Medical History”, There’s no such thing as exchanging medical history with someone you’re not sure you can trust.
Even if someone has a piece of paper that says they were clean six months ago, that doesn’t mean they didn’t go right out after the test and catch something in a hookup. They might know and they might not know. Either way, I personally wouldn’t be inclined to accept ANYONE’S declaration of what they have, what they don’t have, or what they had and cured, unless I felt I had already built a rapport with them that would compel them to tell me the truth about something that important… which takes us back to what you said above about “Trust Issues”…
Buxom: Shortly after I deleted my profile. We ended up becoming a regular weekly late night “thing”, I always slept over (he liked to spoon) and I would creep out in the morning making sure I didn’t wake him. This was great for months but then one day he kissed me when leaving my house (I was shocked). Now I find myself wanting more time, more talking, more intimacy, just more him.
It’s actually funny how that works, isn’t it? :D
People concentrate so much on the importance of intercourse that they sleep on how intimate making out is.
It’s very interesting where people draw the line between “hooking up” and “making love”, for instance. It’s all the same thing, but change a couple of parameters and the effects become different and potentially long-lasting.
Buxom: Anyway what I would like to know is if this is a lost cause to want more anything at this point? Is there anything that I can do to have him notice I want more, or maybe find out if he wants more too? Should I just suppress these feelings and enjoy it while it lasts? Is it stupid to ask him out on a date after being a booty call for months.
I see why you would ask this, and it’s a very interesting question.
I don’t believe it’s a lost cause. I’m not one of these people that believes that if a guy can get something from a gal, he’s DEFINITELY not going to want to be in a relationship with her. I subscribe to “It Is What It Is”.
Did you consider that he might have kissed you because he feels more intimately towards you now than he did when y’all got started? Did you consider that he might be thinking the same thing about you, as far as wanting to change the format of the relationship, but that he doesn’t want to mess things up by expressing that verbally?
There are definitely some guys that refuse to make the transition from bootie-call to girlfriend, like there are guys that will have all kinds of sex with hookers that they refuse to have with their own wives (assuming they’re sexually attracted to their wives, which is another issue, entirely).
OTOH, There are guys that won’t even CONSIDER making a chick their girlfriend until they hook up with her. If the bootie-call phase goes well, they might start looking into other aspects of her personality to see if they want something exclusive with her.
I know you’re not skipping straight to exclusivity, and rather just asking about making it a “not just sex” relationship. I don’t think it’s dumb at all. In fact, I think it’s worth a try for you.
If you’re going to do that, though.. Don’t ask him out on a date to some ultra-public place. Leave it more open-ended, and frame it as a hangout, not a date. The only thing that would make it a “date” is sex, and y’all already have that covered.
Tell him a new restaurant opened up that you want to check out and ask him if he’d like to go with you. Tell him there’s an exhibit at some obscure museum you’d like to see and ask him if he’d like to come with.
The real question here is whether he’ll be seen with you in public AT ALL, and then, if he will, will he take you somewhere that his friends might actually see him out with you. :D That’s why you don’t want to try to skip to the head of the line and invite him to some ultra-public place. You’re better off going one step at a time. He might have wanted to suggest the same thing to you, but didn’t want to ruin a good thing by adding something into the mix. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
Also, it depends on how much of your personality you’ve been expressing during your hookups with him. Some chicks, nobody wants to hear what they have to say. They’re called in for the action and then when that’s over, they’re instructed to bounce or if the guy came to her spot, he suddenly has an appointment as soon as he gets off.
If it’s more like dude is spending time with you AS IF y’all were on a date, except you happen to be inside the crib, it’s way more likely, IMO, that he would be willing to go out somewhere with you. It’s the exact same interaction, just in a different location.
In fact, I think you’re in an even BETTER position for him to want to go out with you on a date, assuming he likes how your face looks, wouldn’t be embarrassed by being seen with you and enjoys your company during the times when y’all aren’t screwing. A lot of gals want to have dates and boyfriends and commitments while they’re playing hard to get. This puts a guy in a position of agreeing to a relationship before he test-drives the car, which often leads to returns when the sex is wack.
Not returning to the chick.. Returning the car to the lot where he bought it. :D
So, If all those factors are in place, he shouldn’t FREAK OUT when you ask him if he’d like to accompany you somewhere. He might even reciprocate by suggesting that he select somewhere for y’all to go out next time. He already knows he likes to tap that, so if he enjoys going out on the town with you also, that’s the best of both worlds.
There’s no need to suppress your feelings unless you go overboard. What you DON’T want to do is tell him what you want him to do. You don’t want to say “Take me to the Waldorf Astoria and buy me Filet Mignon and then take me on a carriage ride around Central Park…”. That’s more something that a wife could get away with because it’s easier for her husband to do all that stuff than listen to her nagging and griping about it from here until whenever. :D
Casually bring up the concept of the two of youse going somewhere simple, together, outside of one of your houses, and see whether he agrees, or he’s like “Nah.. That’s alright”. If he’s been thinking about it himself, already, he should jump at the chance. If he hasn’t been thinking about it, it’s going to be up to him to agree or have to explain to you why he doesn’t want to be seen with you in public.
Either way, I feel like it’s better for you to find out sooner rather than later. Worst-Case Scenario, he keeps hittin’ it and you’ll have to find someone else to go to museums with. Best-Case, you might be helping HIM get past his own mental block against asking YOU to go somewhere with him and you can open up a new & exciting chapter in your relationship.