Bill Cammack

Reader “Stephanie” wanted a breakdown of this week’s Jersey Shore season-opener, so here it is.

If you haven’t seen the show yet, go read something else, because I’m about to talk about what happened.

Housing

There’s an interesting dynamic between Ronnie and Sammi. They’re both jocking each other, which always works out in the female’s favor in a relationship.

This is because women have no problem with denying sex to their boyfriends. Being that sex is the only reason he was with her in the first place, the guy in one of these situations always takes the short. Any argument he gets into is going to result in his not getting laid (by his girlfriend). Since that defeats the purpose, “Yes, Dear” is the order of the day.

So when Ronnie & Sammi get to the house, and there are two rooms with three beds in them and one room with two beds in them….. Instead of doing the smart thing and taking the room with only two beds, since they knew damned well that they were hermits during the whole time in Miami, except when Ronnie was making out with multiple chicks before coming home drunk in the middle of the night and screwing an oblivious Sammi… They decide to take a bedroom with THREE beds in it, meaning that they were going to definitely have a roommate.

When I say “They decide”, I mean “Sammi decides”, for the reasons I already stated. If Ronnie would have vetoed her choice of rooms so they could have a private room together, Sammi would have been mad and not given it up, so his best bet was to agree to the triple and hope that whatever roommate they got wasn’t going to be there often.

What difference does it make whether their roommate is there? Since Ronnie claims to be in an actual “relationship” with Sammi, he’s prohibited from screwing her in front of other people. Even if the roommate is asleep, Sammi’s going to be self-conscious about being seen while she’s giving it up. Obviously, the guys have no problem hooking up with chicks in front of their roomates, as we saw last season, so that leads us to another reason Ronnie shouldn’t have taken the triple.

They ended up with Mike as their third roommate. Mike is the bottom-feeder of the house. Even Vinny has more props than Mike at this point. If anyone’s going to be expected to kick it to and then bring home sub-par females, it’s Mike. This means that his percentages are going to be higher than Vinny and Pauly because everyone knows sub-par chicks are easier to hook up with.

This means that any time Mike decides to bring home a “grenade” and screw her, Sammi and Ronnie have to grin and bear it, or perhaps just BEAR IT, because they can’t request for him not to utilize his own bed.

Everybody else got good housing assignments. Vinny and Pauly are roommates. The three other girls are roommates. This is going to work out well because Vinny & Pauly hunt together and that new chick, Deena is as thirsty as Nicole is to get laid. Not only did she actually say so, but the two of them compared their vibrator collections as they were unpacking.

Audience Of One

The next thing that happened was that the new girl, Deena, tried to start a conversation with Sammi, who immediately and continuously gave her the cold shoulder.

There was no reason for this AFAIK, because I don’t think either of them know each other.

In fact, Sammi should have attempted to befriend Deena because of the fact that Sammi had had A PHYSICAL FIGHT with Jennifer just a few months ago, when they were filming the Miami season (they film “reality” show seasons every 6 months, which is why they couldn’t have filmed “Jersey Shore” at the Jersey Shore for season 02, because nobody’s there when it’s cold). It was really in her best interest to attempt to have at least ONE female friend in the house.

Instead, Sammi tries to play high post. Unfortunately for her, acting like you’re tha shiznit only works when other people agree with you. When you think you’re fly and the other girls in the house think you’re a P.O.S., you lose. So, Sammi immediately alienated Deena and has ZERO females in the hose that she’s allowed to spend time with.

That doesn’t really matter, though, because she intends to spend all her time with Ronnie, so he can miss out on the chicks on the boardwalk for two years in a row. At least that means Ronnie can get all his screwing in while Mike’s at the beach, at work, or at the club, trying to bring drunk girls home that can’t see well enough anymore to tell what he actually looks like.

I have no idea why Sammi returned for this season, other than to get paid for each episode. She was completely ineffective last season, except for being the butt of the joke about how she calls Ronnie her boyfriend and he’s hooking up with other chicks left and right, so long as there’s at least one wall physically separating him from her.

She doesn’t do anything. She doesn’t say anything witty. She has this sense of entitlement that nobody in the house shares with her, including Ronnie. I really can’t see her lasting very long this season. I figure that somewhere near the middle, she’s going to claim that she’s leaving and give Ronnie the ultimatum to leave the show with her, or else don’t expect her to give it up when he finally comes to see her. *yawn*

It Ain’t That Type-a Party

I’m going to skip over the part where Ronnie was laying around telling Sammi how much he loves her yadda yadda because I was just disgusted. A brotha’z gotsta do what a brotha’z gotsta do, I suppose. \o/

The next thing that happened is that Nicole and Deena (Whom Nicole brought with her to the show, obviously with approval from the producers) were in the hot tub with Vinny, who was making it obvious that he wants to screw Deena.

The “problem” with that is that at some point in the not-so-distant past, Vinny had boned Nicole. Apparently, Nicole thought this meant something other than that Vinny felt like having sex and she was the only chick that climbed in his bed with him that night while he was already trying to sleep. Meanwhile, Vinny had become a laughing stock for having sex with her. I guess everyone got the joke, except Nicole.

To make matters worse… We find out that part of the reason why Nicole has a scowl on her grill is because two weeks before this hot tub situation, Vinny screwed Nicole’s best friend, “Ryder”.

Unfortunately, this is what happens when your friends look better than you do.

In general, if a guy’s willing to hook up with a chick, that means he’s willing to hook up with you AND. ANY. CHICK. THAT. LOOKS. BETTER. THAN. YOU.

So, Nicole invites Ryder (a WAAAAAAAY better-looking chick) to the house and introduces her to Vinny. Vinny bones Ryder. Nicole brings Deena (who ALSO looks better than Nicole) to the house as a roommate, gets her in a bikini and puts her in a hot tub with Vinny… Vinny wants to screw Deena. Meanwhile, Nicole’s getting upset that she’s right there in the hot tub, already had sex with Vinny and he’s not trying to get more from her instead of going for the new girl.

First of all, the other girl in the hot tub looks better. Second of all, he already HAD sex with you, so he can do that anytime he feels like it, with your thirsty ass. Third, the fact that he hasn’t had sex with Deena yet makes her a much more interesting target. Fourth, he could be the first one in the house to hit it, which always scores points with the fellaz. Fifth, you should have gotten a clue when he hooked up with Angelina, your other roommate for two seasons in a row.

The clue you should have gotten is that you’re not in a relationship with him and you’re CERTAINLY not worth him not getting laid with other chicks. Talk to Ronnie if you want to be involved with someone like that. This is why, when Nicole pressed up on Vinny and wanted to make out with him, he rejected her.

Rejecting her was the smart move because she was already complaining about him hooking up with other girls. By demoting her to “friends status”, she can’t complain anymore when he screws Deena and any other chick he can get his hands on this season. If he would have kissed Nicole, she would have felt justified in cockblocking him for the rest of the season. Later for that! haha PEACEBITCH!!! >:D

I also have to give Vinny props for breakin’ it down legitimately and honestly to her. He told her to her face that they can mess around if she’s not going to get all stalkerish about it. If she’s gonna be catchin’ feelin’s, she has to sit on the side while the rest of the chicks get the action.

That’s the only way to go, when you fully intend to hook up with chicks in front of some other chick you already had sex with. Let her know she can get it if she wants it, but as far as her making demands on who he spends time with and/or hooks up with?.. It ain’t that type-a party. >:D

Interestingly enough, Nicole tells him “Don’t you ever try to **** me again! :(“, which is fine, because not only is Deena already DTF and looks better than you, but Nicole’s drunk and horny ass is going to be climbing in bed with Vinny sooner or later ANYWAY, so you can take a walk, because you’ll be back.

Deena’s Hat

This might be the first season of Jersey Shore (even though, I figure this should be the LAST SEASON of Jersey Shore, altogether) that the girls actually do something.

Traditionally, the girls on these shows never get any raps, and if they do, they don’t let them be seen on camera. It’s not like guys aren’t trying to screw them, it’s that they come to these shows already having “boyfriends” at home (until they get drunk and throw themselves at their roommates). Even when fights occur with said “boyfriends” and the typical backlash occurs, where chicks suddenly become sexable by random dudes, since they’re mad at their man, *yawn* they still just end up getting drunk, talking a lot of yang about what they deserve and what they’re not going to stand for and then making out with their roommates in the cab home or in the hot tub.

This season is looking to be different, because both Nicole & Deena are thirsty. This should disable the cockblocking between them, since they’re both going to be busy trying to get laid. That only leaves Jenni. Jenni’s still going out with the same boyfriend she had when she hopped in bed (with her clothes on) with Pauly on either the first or second day of the first season, and they did whatever they did. We’ll see whether she minds her own business and lets Nicole and Deena do their thing or not.

Anyway… Deena wants to find her hat. She wants Mike to help her find her hat. For reasons I don’t feel like discussing, this is an obvious invitation to hook up. Obvious. She doesn’t need her hat. She doesn’t need MIKE to help her find her hat. All she’s doing is isolating them so Mike can make his moves. Good for her. >:D

So they get to the room and she finds her hat, and she’s showing it to Mike, who’s currently cowering on her bed, scared to touch her as if he’s going to get thrown out of the strip joint.

She says something about showing him what it looks like with the hat and her bikini and proceeds to “accidentally” undress in front of him, while Mike sits there grinning like an elementary school kid… STILL not touching her.

Eventually, she puts her bikini bottom back on and they go back upstairs, having successfully retrieved her cowboy hat. There’s no telling why Mike didn’t go for it. It can’t be because Vinny said he wanted to tap that because we saw last season that Mike has no problems “pulling the robbery” and trying to steal Vinny’s girls. I’m looking forward to an explanation being revealed in the coming episodes.

Television Beef

So Deena goes upstairs to the triple and climbs on Mike’s bed, while Sammi and Ronnie are watching because they were too stupid to take a private room together.

Sammi takes this opportunity, knowing that two guys were in the room, to laugh out loud in Deena’s direction and then verbally make it clear that she was being disrespectful towards Deena.

I mention the guys being in the room, because every time she’s had an argument with a chick, guys have been there, so Sammi knows that if a fight breaks out, they’re not going to let her get beaten up too badly before they pull the other girl off of her.

So Deena goes downstairs and she’s talking about Sammi like a dog. I mean, badmouthing her left and right. Sammi stays put in her bed until Deena mentions Ronnie, prompting HIM to rush downstairs and start screaming at Deena. Since Ronnie was going, Sammi was going too.

Somehow (there was a major edit in the show), the argument between Sammi & Deena became an argument between Sammi & Jenni, resulting in Sammi getting punched in her face by Jenni, AGAIN. :D

It’s interesting how they fail / refuse to deal with female physical altercations on these “reality” shows. Jenni caught Mike with a spinning back-fist to his jaw one season, and the security rushed in and grabbed….. MIKE!!! :D

Jenni had a fight with Sammi last season. Nothing happened. Nicole had a fight with Angelina last season. Nobody got kicked off the show. Here we are, in the first episode of season 03 and the Jenni-Sammi rematch jumps off…

Inside Information

Two things that I thought were rather interesting happened at the end of the show.

The first thing was that when Jenni started handing Sammi her ass, Ronnie (Sammi’s “boyfriend”) remained seated comfortably on the couch. Vinny was the only one that tried to break up the fight. I don’t know why he did that, because it was none of his business, but the important part is that he was doing Ronnie’s job for him.

The second thing was when Sammi tried to get live on Nicole before the fight. Sammi starts calling Nicole a “fake bitch” and then she drags Ronnie into the discussion by asking him “Do you think she’s fake? I’m asking you!”.

Now.. The reason Frick & Frack were downstairs to begin with is because Ronnie was mad that Deena was trying to drag him into a beef that she had with Sammi… Well.. Surprise of surprises, instead of telling Sammi “Leave me out of this”, the fear of a future sex embargo made Ronnie say “Yeah, she’s fake!”, causing Nicole to blurt out “ok, Ronnie.. Your mom calls me every single ******* week, saying ‘Why the **** is my son with this boring-ass bitch?’”.

What was interesting about that was Ronnie’s total lack of reaction. He didn’t say “My mom doesn’t think that”. He didn’t say “My mom didn’t tell you that”. He didn’t say “You’re a liar”. This makes it look like Nicole has inside information that Sammi isn’t aware of (which I don’t doubt, because she’s generally clueless), and adds intrigue to Ronnie’s not stepping in when Sammi was getting punched in her face.

This season will be better than last season. Last season was just stupid. Nobody’s checkin’ for people like this in Miami. Seaside Heights is where they’re effective. It should be even better now because last summer, they were all nobodies. This summer, they’re all international superstars. That should make pulling girls easier and lead to a lot more interesting scenarios.

I suspect that both Mike and Vinny are going to screw Deena… more than once, each. I suspect that drunk-ass Nicole is going to crawl back in bed with Vinny, even though she tried to save face by telling him not to try to **** her anymore. I think she forgot that he wasn’t trying to screw her, but instead, SHE was the one throwing it at Vinny and every other guy she could get some time with ever in life.

I suspect that Ronnie & Sammi are going to be their usual bump-on-a-log selves. Hopefully, Sammi will leave the show at some point, so Ronnie can join back up with MVP and pull chicks.

Pauly always does well, being that he’s the only one with actual talent (DJ’ing) and he’s got his game pretty well together.

I think Mike will finally come to grips with his low standards for women this season and stop protesting when people say stuff like “He’d bring a stray dog home from the club if he had to”. It’ll also be interesting to see if he tries to bag his roommate Sammi if her boyfriend’s not in the room with them. I would suggest that Ronnie synchronizes his work schedule with Sammi’s. >:D

Deena & Nicole are both pretty short, so I can see them offering themselves to hook up with the same guy as a tag team. hahaha We’ll see what happens! :D
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