Jersey Shore S03 E05 [Part 02]

So our heroes leave Karma and head back to the crib. Here’s the lineup:

  1. Jenni brings home Roger, the dude she started dating before she broke up with her boyfriend.
  2. Vinny brings home Gina, the chick he met at Karma that was being followed around by 3-4 men at all times. Kudos on the extraction, but dumb move. Should have sent her home with her family and told her to come meet him afterwards.
  3. Ronnie’s at home with Sammi, living a sucky life, as usual.
  4. Mike brings home a DTF chick. Nice work.
  5. Pauly brings home a Grenade. Pauly has been slippin’ this entire season. He bags one chick and she doesn’t want to hook up while Vinny’s all over her girlfriend in the next bed over. He brings this chick home, most likely as a wingman for Mike, to secure his DTF chick, and then hides from her. He’s not drunk, so he knew she was a grenade when he picked her up at the club.
  6. Nicole comes home with Ryder.
  7. Deena is currently MIA. This is probably the time she spent with Dean that got her gossiped about like a dog later in the episode.

While everyone’s having fun and eating pizza & whipped cream straight out of the can, we cut upstairs to Vinny being lectured by Sammi, who’s saying “Don’t. You. Touch. ANYBODY! :(“. Now, the proper response to this is “**** YOU! Who the *** are YOU? I’ll touch anybody I feel like touching, I’m a grown-ass man! If you don’t like it, you can KICK ROCKS, BEYOTCH!”……. Of course, that’s not what Ronnie says. He says something to the effect of “I didn’t touch any girl like that.”

This is why Ronnie ended up getting punched in his face by his so-called girlfriend. When you let people talk to you like as if they’re your kindergarten teacher, you “might could” get PUNISHED for behavior they don’t like. Ronnie got mapped in his grill because he let Sammi believe that hitting him was ok. He let Sammi believe that screaming at him was ok. He let Sammi believe that telling a grown-ass man what to do was going to result in his subservient compliance. Therefore, she felt free to sock him in his jaw and step to the left like she had just put her own child in the corner for a time-out.

Anyway, Sammi keeps talking **** until Ronnie has enough of it and tells her “Get the **** out. Goodbye. Pack your **** and get the **** out”. This was nice to see, and once again, I had hope that Ronnie would get back in the game and stop slummin’ with this chick. In fact, it looked like Sammi was leaving the show entirely, which would have been a good thing so we could have skipped her storyline altogether and only watched the interesting characters who were doing something with their lives, other than playing Ellery Queen or Scooby Doo and trying to figure out mysteries that only exist in the mind of someone that has a hard time coping with actual reality on a daily basis.

Sammi goes downstairs, and Vinny asks her “Where’s Ron”, to which she replies “Who gives a ****?”. This is ridiculous, coming from a chick that’s spent the last year saying she loves Ronnie, even after watching the videotape of him macking multiple chicks at the club and then telling his boys he was going to crawl in bed with Sammi, slapping five with all of them to the effect of what a mack he is and then crawling into bed with her, waking her up and suggesting sex.

This is not healthy. This is the sign of someone that loves you until he or she hates you, and then it’s on & poppin’. No in between. No neutral ground. You’re with me or you’re against me. Only friends and enemies. No acquaintances.

Once again, this is why Ronnie got punched in his face. He let her talk **** about him. He let her scream at him. He let her tell him what to do. Eventually, he did ONE THING that Sammi didn’t agree with, and POW!!!.. Right in the kisser.

Granted.. Sammi was obviously drunk and slurring her words this whole time. This is why she thought it would be a grand idea to bring a slice of pizza to a guy that she just said she doesn’t give a **** where he is. It’s also why she thought it would be a good idea to bring pizza to a guy that does commercials saying he uses a WEIGHT LOSS product:

He even says in his confessional: “Not a ******* protein shake.. You bring me pizza! Of all things! Really?”.. Meanwhile, Sammi stands there looking asleep on her feet, not even noticing that everything she owns is strewn all over the room until Ronnie points it out to her and she starts asking “What did I do?”.

Nice Life.

The Grenade Whistle

Grenades are supposed to be girls that can destroy your rap.. basically cockblockers. The Jersey Shore guys have modified this term to mean any girl that nobody wants to screw right now… Well.. Not actually that either, because lots of times, we’ve seen the fellaz interacting with girls f2f, even making out with them, and THEN deciding that they were grenades and having laughs about it.

So I’m not really sure that there’s only one definition of a grenade, but for the sake of this conversation, let’s say that it’s a chick that’s not adding anything to the fun of the evening, or who is, in fact, detracting from the fun or trying to keep her girlfriend from hooking up with one of the guys.

Optimally, if you go out to get chicks, you want everyone in the crew to match up with a gal they want to hook up with. In reality, this is rarely the case. There are normally 1 or 2 viable chicks in a group and the rest are… well… just extra chicks, that if someone could snap their fingers and make them disappear, they’d do that.

So they’re all in the back yard, and Pauly, who’s clearly been slippin’ ever since he started dating that chick Rocio in Miami, gets stuck on grenade duty, which used to be Vinny’s job until he outshined the rest of his housemates to rise to prominence. Vinny was cold lampin’ (for the time being) with his girl that he extracted out from under the noses of her family bodyguards. Mike was chillin’ with his girl, who he clearly liked and who was clearly DTF. Pauly’s girl was sitting on the bench near her friend that was chillin’ with Mike and Pauly was sitting on the table, not apparently having any physical contact with his girl.

Mike has this weird tactic he always uses where he offers DTF chicks pajamas. I guess that’s his way of offering to them to stay over without having to risk rejection by saying “I want you to stay here tonight”. Then again.. Perhaps Mike has a fetish for NOT seeing girls in attractive-looking clothing, such as what they were wearing when he extracted them from the club. \o/ Maybe he got used to having sex with girls that are dressed in guys’ clothing and he’s kind of stuck there. o_O

So Mike offers his girl some sweatpants and she says she would like some and they go inside the house. Instead of minding her own business, Pauly’s girl, the grenade, says “What about me?” and gets up from the bench to go inside… Inside, where nobody invited her. Roger goes “Your name is Skip, tonight”, which I assume means that he’s saying she’s getting skipped over for sex. She confidently replies “oh, My name is not Skip! :D” and heads inside. Pauly doesn’t move from the table, which is a bad sign. He’s no longer playing his position, the grenade is in the wild, and Mike is on his own to hook up with his chick.

Vinny hustles to get the Grenade Whistle. This item seems to serve several purposes, as the definition of a grenade is vague to begin with.

  1. Warn guys that are working on DTF chicks that a grenade has been released into the wild and might be arriving to cockblock them, momentarily.
  2. Wake guys up that are currently experiencing Beer Goggles and think they’re socializing with attractive girls, when, in fact, they are not. This one doesn’t make much sense, because if you’re drunk enough to believe a girl is attractive, then she’s attractive TO YOU, which is all you should need to hook up with her. Sure, you might be a laughing stock in the morning, or get ridiculed, like when Vinny hooked up with Nicole…. or when Vinny hooked up with Angelina (who Mike AND Pauly had already messed with), but saving you from future embarrassment doesn’t trump letting a guy enjoy his currently inebriated state and the FOYINE (in his mind, at least) girl he’s kickin’ it with right now.
  3. Generally inform the housemates that grenades have entered the premises, and to be on alert at all times.

Cut to Mike’s room, where he’s actively ignoring the grenade and talking to his girl like the grenade doesn’t even exist. She’s trying to get his attention, saying that she needs sweatpants also, because she doesn’t realize that she won’t be staying over, because she was only invited to the house so she wouldn’t prevent Mike’s girl from coming over.

The DTF chick is already hip to the game, because she tells her friend to get sweats from Pauly. She’s also laughing, which means that she already knows that her girl’s about to exit, stage left, because nobody feels like screwing her tonight, and this isn’t a Motel 6.

This is when the Grenade Whistle goes off, which would have warned Mike that she was roaming around the house, if she hadn’t been right there in his face at the time. I’ll have to assume that there’s a fourth meaning of the horn, which is that a girl who was borderline has now been definitely designated a grenade.

This is where, as far as I can tell, Mike exhibits flawed thinking. Later in the show, as he’s ejecting the grenade, she says “I just don’t know why he left” (because Pauly bounced when Vinny blew the horn and hid until she went away) and Mike offers her a threesome, saying “You need to salvage that and get it in with your girl. We call can have fun!”.. If this was the case, that he was willing to pick up the grenade for the Ménage à trois, as soon as he heard the Grenade Whistle, he should have offered her a pair of his sweats instead of leaving her to fend for herself, rummaging through Pauly’s clothes. He should have started working on her immediately, but instead, he fumbled, and the grenade rolled out the door.

In fact.. Now that I think about it. If Pauly wasn’t down for the grenade from the giddyap and Mike WAS down for her, Mike should have been selling the package deal from the second they extracted the chicks from Karma. No biggie. Mike still bagged the chick he intended to get and Pauly dodged the grenade, so all is right with the world.

Romeo & Juliet

Since Vinny foolishly extracted Gina BEFORE her entourage escorted her home, they came to get her on their way home. As I said before, this could have been avoided if he would have left her with them at the club and told her to come to the house later that night/morning.

I don’t know what Vinny suspected would happen, because the dudes came directly to the crib, causing Jenni to squeal “RAWWGER? :(” when she saw the family rolling up. Vinny looked surprised as if he thought he had whisked the chick off to the Bahamas or some undisclosed location. In fact, he was sitting with her on a lawn chair in Seaside Heights, New Jersey, relatively close to the club he extracted her from.

He also looked surprised that she was going to leave because her uncle came to get her. I talked about this in “Big City Dating (Meet The Parents)”. Meeting chicks’ relatives usually never happens at all, unless it’s a sister, cousin, aunt or mother that happens to be with the girl when you meet her and you’re scheming on hooking up with them, also. Being in the presence of older males that have a legitimate claim on the girl you’re trying to kick it to is an extremely rare situation.

This is probably why Vinny looked surprised. He probably assumed that if she left the club with him, he was free and clear for the rest of the night. Unfortunately, when guys exit a house with a girl they’re responsible for, they CAN’T. GO. HOME. without her. 😀 “We lost her at the club” isn’t acceptable. “We know she’s lampin’ with some dude named Vinny and a bunch of video cameras, but didn’t retrieve her like we were commanded to” isn’t an option. This is why Vinny should have let her go with her entourage back to the crib. As soon as they dropped her off, their mission was complete, and all she would have had to do is drive to the house after that.

Continued in Part 03.

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