FWB (Friends With Benefits)

The other night, I had a fascinating conversation about what “Friends With Benefits” (FWB) means.

FWB is an umbrella term that covers more than one situation.

The “Benefits” part is the same, regardless… Sex, Hooking Up, Physical Intimacy, whatever you like to call it.

The “Friends” part is what’s really in question.

If you don’t understand what someone means when they call you “Friend”, there’s no way that you can properly comprehend or mentally process the full scope of FWB.

Just Friends

According to Webster’s, a friend is “One attached to another by affection or esteem”.

Lots of people are friends with each other. They go bowling together, they go out to eat, they discuss dating concepts…

This is not what women mean when they say “Just Friends”. First of all, the word “Just” implies that being friends is an inferior state to something else. You will notice that this term is usually applied when they are accused of having sex with some guy. What do they always say? o_O

“Oh.. No.. We’re just friends.”

That doesn’t mean she goes bowling with dude. All she’s doing is denying sexual activity with him. She may or may not actually be hooking up with him. Just because she calls him a “friend” doesn’t mean anything at all. Lots of chicks are giving it up and claiming that they’re “friends” with the guy they’re boning.

Dueling Parasites

This is usually done for two reasons. The first one is that their private, personal or sexual lives are none of your business. Butt out. Kick rocks. Take a long walk on a short plank… The second reason is that thanks to the double-standard, women are low-rated if they have sex with a dude before blackmailing him into an exclusive relationship.

So long as physical interaction is sanctioned by her having a title, such as wife or girlfriend, she’s free to admit that she’s hooking up with a dude without feeling poorly about herself because she thinks other people are ‘judging’ her (which is dumb to begin with because everybody judges everybody, so get over it). Outside of that, the dude is seen as not buying the cow because he’s getting the milk for free. This way of viewing the world is unfortunate, but remains a fact of life because the double-standard is so well-entrenched in patriarchal societies.

So, the “Friends” part in “Just Friends” or “Friends With Benefits” doesn’t necessarily mean that either one of them is attached to the other by affection or esteem.

Each of them has something the other one wants. A lot of relationships are dually parasitic and have nothing to do with friendship at all. I’m not talking about just FWB, but ‘actual’ relationships as well. Lots of “couples” are together because each one is providing something to the other one. As soon as that bartering relationship breaks down, they never speak to each other ever again in life.

The example I gave the other night was that our waitress was cute and had a KILLER body = “She Could Get It”, but if I had kicked it to her (which would have been unethical, hitting on someone that’s relying on you and your party for a tip at the end of the evening) and we ended up messing around, that wouldn’t make us friends… AT ALL.

The way people become friends is by getting to know each other and eventually appreciating each other for the things they like about each other and tolerating (or not, haha) the things they dislike about each other.

Hooking up doesn’t make people like each other… I mean, it CAN, because of sharing good times together, doing things for each other, and biological factors, like oxytocin, but lots of times, it’s just business.. recreation.. something to do, and no rapport is being built in one direction or both directions. This becomes EXTREMELY OBVIOUS when the two people stop having sex and then there’s no friendship left between them. o_O

Doesn’t anyone find that odd?.. When people swear up and down that they mean so much to each other and their love this and that and they care about each other and they’re friends and then as soon as they stop being physical with each other or start dating someone else, they act like the other person never existed in life?

Sorry.. That’s not friendship.

Friends (With Benefits)

Bill CammackThere are lots of cases where people who are actually friends are affectionate towards each other, hook up with each other, and generally enjoy each other’s company to the fullest extent.

This is what people usually think of when someone says FWB.

In fact, FWB should be the natural state of affairs between people that are physically attracted to each other.

What could be better than that? 😀 You actually like, care about, or perhaps even love the other person, AND you’re also turned on by them…

Unfortunately, women have been trained to attempt to secure concessions from men in return for what the women consider to be sexual favors. In fact, the value of the interaction should be MUTUAL enjoyment and MUTUAL pleasure, so neither side’s supposed to owe the other side anything other than a good time.

This is why women have the nerve to say things like “JUST Friends”, as if being friends is a lower-level format of relationship than one with a girlfriend or wife title attached to it. Eventually, y’all will figure out that boyfriends arrive and disappear and your ACTUAL FRIENDS remain in the pocket, indefinitely.

You’ll find out who really cares about you when you become useless to them.

When you’re not givin’ it up anymore. When you gain that 15 lbs because you sprained your ankle and couldn’t run in the gym for a couple of months. When you get a new boyfriend and act like he’s the center of your universe, although you’ve known him for a month and you’ve known your friend for years… You’ll find out what time it is when he gets enough of what he wanted or he decides to get it from someone else or that you’re no longer worth the hassle of dealing with your caustic personality just to get to the good part.

When it’s Friends (With Benefits), it’s on when it’s on, and it’s not on when it’s not on. The hooking up doesn’t have any bearing on the friendship because it had been already solidly established that y’all like each other as human beings before you became physically intimate.

“Friends” With Benefits

One of the funniest things about the dating scene is that people refuse to acknowledge that none of it is geared towards guys and gals ever becoming friends.

I don’t know how it works in the sticks, but in metropolitan areas, you go somewhere, see a chick that turns you on, and see what you can do. Period.

Nobody cares if she snowboards. Nobody cares if she’s in the third year of her residency. Nobody cares if her family’s originally from Connecticut or California. She’s attractive to you or she isn’t. You feel like hooking up with her or you don’t. The situation works out for you or it doesn’t. Wash, Rinse, Repeat.. Same thing tomorrow night.

You don’t have dudes sitting on couches at 2am with chicks because they’re so glad that they’re cultivating a friendship with her. 😀 That’s not reality. Dude’s trying to get laid. Period.

Similarly, you’d be amazed how quickly some gal’s legs spread when they find out (because you lied) that you’re rich. In fact, that shouldn’t have any bearing on whether she feels like hooking up with you or not, being that money has nothing to do with how someone carries themselves, what type of person they are, who they’re being for you.. Isn’t that what women are always clamoring about? “I want him to like me for MEEEE! :(“.. Well, your gold-digging homegirls are messing it up for the rest of youse by selling out the azz for never-to-be-fulfilled promises of money, shopping, yachts, condos and trips to Paris.

So it’s funny to me when a gal tells me she meets a new dude and I’m like “So, what’s up with y’all? o_O” and she’s like “Oh.. We’re just friends”… No. Actually, you’re not friends. You’ll be finding out how much not-friends you are in a few months. See you when you return. *waves*

It’s Complicated

Of course, none of these categories exist at all. They’re complicated ways to try to explain simple facts. The titles and circumstances surrounding how you get your pleasure are entirely irrelevant. You’re either hooking up, or you’re not.

Being friends with someone isn’t connected at all to hooking up with that person, but what do you expect women to say?.. That they don’t like a guy as a person at all, he’s dumb as a box of rocks, he has no earning potential, manners or sense of humor, but she likes how he looks and she always has great orgasms when he has sex with her, so it is what it is?

Good luck with that. 🙂 The deck is stacked against women as far as stigma & criticism, so you need to read between the lines if you’re going to understand what’s really going on with them as opposed to what they’re willing to SAY is going on.

Guys don’t have this problem. If we’re willing to put our business in the street, there are only two things we’re going to say.. “Yeah, I’m hittin’ that” or “Nope. I’m not hittin’ that”. Simple, and to the point.

Nobody cares what the relationship is named, or whether you see her every day, once every week, or once every two months. She’s either on the roster or she isn’t. You’re messing with her or you aren’t. You’re friends with her or you aren’t.

Saying “That’s my girlfriend” won’t get you any more credit than saying “That’s some chick I’m banging”. It’s the same functionality, but in the girlfriend case, you probably signed on for more responsibilities. Guys aren’t going to be low-rated either way, so there’s no incentive to apply the term “friend” to every female you know.

Some chicks, you’re just working on hooking up with them and you don’t think anything more of them than that. Some chicks are actual friends of yours and you’d invite them places and hang out with them and introduce them to people that are important to you in your life because you want THEM to meet HER because she’s important to you, too.

Some people like to use the term “It’s Complicated” to describe their relationship to someone. Nope. It’s not complicated. You’re hooking up or you’re not… You’re friends or you’re not… And none of that matters at all, so long as you’re enjoying your life.

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11 Comments

  1. that movie, “No Strings Attached?” NOBODY calls it “sex friends!!” But maybe they couldn’t use “fuck buddies” or something.

    1. Yeah, Charlene.. That’s exactly what a homegirl of mine was saying.

      She was making the distinction between “Friends With Benefits” and “Fuck Buddies”.

      I can go for the change in terminology, but the facts remain the same.

      I haven’t seen the movie yet, but, of course, I can imagine that the comedy is that either Ashton falls for Natalie and she’s still cold-chillin’, or they both fall for each other. In fact, that’s what happens when people realize that everything they want in a person is staring them in their face right now. You can either walk away from perfection and stay in the game, or take your chances and ride this out as long as it goes.

      People that claim to be impervious to affection & intimacy are normally liars, and they KNOW they are…

  2. So spot on… Those “FWB” terms and derivatives are there to alleviate guilt (for women) and/or responsibility (for men). I kind of feel like, regardless of who I am relating to and in what way, if we love one another, want the best for one another and want to be near one another, then we are a pair…

    1. Thanks, Suz. 🙂

      What you said is actually another reason I don’t “date”. All I want to know is what she’s trying to do with her life. I’m going to be interested in being a part of that, going forward, or I’m not.

      Our relationship might resemble a traditional relationship. Our relationship might be me being the inner-circle friend while she dates some guy that she’s trying to build her life around. Our relationship might be that we hook up whenever both of us feel like it and other than that, out of sight, out of mind. Whatever it is, it works for me so long as it works for both of us.

      If it works for me and not her, eventually, she’s going to bounce. If it works for her and not me, I’m not going to be involved to begin with. >:D

  3. Been a friend who gave and got benefits all my life. Also been a fuck buddy (bunny?) and they are different in the second, when the sex stops, it’s over. In FWB, when the sex stops you’re still friends. It’s not at all complicated?
    –the good wife

    1. Yes, Francine. That’s exactly what I’m saying. 🙂

      As long as people are CLEAR whether they’re a) friends or not, and b) messing around or not, life is very simple.

      Once you start trying to attach meaning to things and then maintain your grasp on that meaning, things spiral out of control.

      If I hook up with some chick, that doesn’t mean she’s my girlfriend. It also doesn’t mean she’s going to text me back if I try to contact her. It also doesn’t mean I’m the only guy she’s hooking up with. It also doesn’t mean I’m going to share intimate details of my life with her…

      It doesn’t mean anything at all, except for what actually happened, and even that meaning resides in our individual minds.

      If two people are ACTUALLY friends and ACTUALLY care about and/or love each other, when the romantic/sensual/sexual/whatever part of the relationship is over, the friendship remains…

  4. I can’t thank for such clarity on The We’re just Friends & FWB.
    I’ve been hooking it with this dude close to 7 months. He has a lot of girl friends, who r just friends he told me. He’s attracted to me both physically & sexually. I had an operation, which put me out of operation for the last. 2 months. We hooked up not not as often still healing. My gut feeling started to kick my ass about 2 weeks ago, then ladt nite we hooked up, 1/2 hr late. This man is straight on time. First time he’s ever been late, been real. Lovey, cuddly, I love, laying on heavy. When did he fall in love??lol. He’s a player. He saw my cuz at a club On Friday night, took big interest in her, then tells me that he went to the with Gina, a good friend then played low. Saturday morning. He was with her 2 weeks ago, I got that girl intuition going when I saw then. After1/2 lateness he picks me, he said he tried calling vice verse no communication. Get in the car he tells me his phone is broke, I said let look at the he refused to even let me touch it, I’m what’s up, reply Oh I have Gina’s number in here then hid the phone, he told me he been taking her out to clubs on weekends because she single and doesn’t want to drink & drive, he only told because my cuz tapped In on him, it’s over 2 months now, we’re just she’s like one of the guys. We ate and he telling me look I love you it’s you I love blah blah. Go back to hook he had a hard time staying, very unlike him. At dinner I told him your eyes look funny like he was high. He I was supposed to stay over that intuition came on I got up I said I got to go home before I left his phone right he’s never gotten a phone call since I’ve been with never and I know it was her I got out the car and he just looked at me like he knew I knew and I text him I said it’s over and then came your article that made everything clear to me
    Thanks
    Time to move on a bit angry, hurt & sad but proud of myself For doing so

    1. Hey Jenn. 🙂 Thanks for the comment.

      Really?… His phone was broken? 😀 hahaha When have you ever heard of THAT? 😀 hahaha

      I’ve seen phones that people drop on the floor and the SCREEN is broken. I’ve seen phones that people dropped in the water and now they don’t work anymore. 😀 hahaha

      oh snap! 😀 Designated Driver excuse? hehehehe When have you heard of someone so nice that they’re willing to drive strangers around town in the middle of the night out of the goodness of their hearts? 😀

      From what I’ve just read, you should definitely be proud of yourself, Jenn! 😀 Pat yourself on the back. A lot of women waste time trying to wrestle a guy away from several other women when the fact of the matter is that if a dude already has several chicks, what difference does it make to him if YOU bounce?.. Now he has X chicks -1. Who cares? \o/

      If he DID care if you bounced, he wouldn’t have had so much interaction with other gals you actually KNOW. I mean I can understand if he had been kickin’ it with chicks you don’t know, but friends & cousins? That’s too obvious.

      Also, if you had never heard his phone before, it’s because it was always on vibrate, so just his leaving the ringer on indicates a change.

      I think you did the best thing for yourself. Glad you got something out of the article! 😀

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