Golden Tickets And Stalkers – JS s03 e06

Most of my close female friends, the ones I kick the REAL DEAL with, are aware that when it comes to hooking up, I don’t believe ANYTHING that a female says.


I’ve been lied to by enough women and I’ve listened to enough women lie about what they’ve done with me to recognize that whatever a chick tells you is probably the LEAST of what she did with a dude, and nowhere near the MOST.

This is because there’s no incentive for a woman to tell you the truth about her hookups, even if you’re supposed to be a “friend” of hers.

To be fair, there’s no incentive for guys to tell the truth either… Due to no fault of my own, The Kid ended up in a speed-dating situation the other night, and this chick asked me what I would do if I had to cook dinner for her. My response was that I would order food and put it in the oven until she got there and then act like I made it.

Her response was (besides a grimace on her face) “But then, you’d have to tell me that you did that”, to which I replied “o_O No…. Actually, I wouldn’t have to.”

So just like I’m going to take credit for what Colonel Sanders invented, I don’t expect the truth from women about the extent to which they messed with some dude…. Even if THEY’RE the ones that brought up the topic and started the conversation about their own exploits.

Clean From The Jacuzzi

This brings us to the end of last week’s Jersey Shore episode. Deena had met this dude named Dean, who looks just like Ronnie, and brought him home to get in the hot tub and then get in bed with her and “cuddle”.

“Cuddling” is a term used by females to explain why they were seen in a bed with a guy, under the covers, without their clothes on. :/ They were “just cuddling”, like they’re “just friends” with the guy. Yeah.. Right…

The first night that Dean came home with Deena, on his way out the door, Sammi saw him and informed Deena that she had seen Dean’s girlfriend 5 times. Deena seems surprised that he has a girlfriend, since she asked him and he said he didn’t (as opposed to not getting laid, A DUH!) and then implies that he did something sexual to her, but she didn’t do anything sexual to him, adding “That’s how you ROLL, girl”, indicating that she played him, somehow.

The only problem with her pimp-o-matic statement is that previously, she swore up and down that she didn’t do anything with him at all. Now, in order to save face that she just spent the night with a guy that has a girlfriend, she wants to say that action took place, but it was one-sided, with her as the recipient and Dean getting nothing from her in return.

Yeah.. Right…

Fast-Forward a few days, and somehow, Deena and Dean have hooked up several times, and are walking around holding hands, in fact. Vinny refers to Dean as “Deena’s Man” in his confessional. It’s clear that they’ve passed “cuddling” stage.

Next.. Ronnie, Vinny & Pauly go to the barber shop. While Ronnie’s getting his fresh Gumby Flat-Top Fade hooked up, the barber mentions that Dean said that Deena told him she wanted to BLANK his BLANK (nope.. It’s not even what you’re thinking! HAHA).

Off the bat, the fellaz are rolling laughing, because due to her previous statements and behavior, like keeping throwing sex at Mike that he suspiciously keeps refusing to take, getting so drunk that she falls off of stages and gets kicked out of a club, and bringing Dean home for hot tub time and purported “cuddling”, she’s not about to receive the benefit of the doubt that she didn’t say what the barber said that Dean said she said.

Of course.. Mike, the Gossip-O-Matic feels the need to spill the beans to Deena that she’s being talked about. Deena denies the allegations, which carries no weight whatsoever, because her credibility, as far as hooking up, is already destroyed.

Deena see’s Dean at the club and, no pun intended, reams him out… ok.. Pun Intended. >:D

His defense was “I never said that”, which is normally a pretty good defense when people don’t have specifics. It’s one thing to deny generally saying that you hooked up with a chick. It’s another thing to deny saying to your barber and anyone else within earshot at the time and anyone else the barber felt like telling, “Deena said she wanted to BLANK my BLANK, because it had been cleaned out in the jacuzzi”.

Let’s Just Cuddle

This week, Deena runs into Ronnie’s friend, Dario and is immediately sweating him like she had been sweating Dean. There’s nothing wrong with this.. Just stating a fact. 😀

Dario most definitely received the recon intel that Deena’s DTF. No matter how she acts, dude has GOT to know that she gives it up Quick Fast In A Hurry, Flavor’s Vision Ain’t Blurry. All he has to do is have the look that she likes and wait for her to jump his bones.

They make out in the club, she dances with him, yadda yadda. Next, they’re back at the house, with Deena sitting on his lap, babbling about some nonsense about the gym. This is the part where dudes pretend to care what chicks are talking about, so they can feel like they got to know us before they gave it up. *yawn*

Dude says “C’mon.. Let’s go inside”, to which Deena replies “We should cuddle. That’s all”. By now, we all recognize this statement as a typical prefabricated excuse to get in a bed and under the covers with a guy and do whatever ACTUALLY comes naturally and then downplay what happened after the fact to whatever level she’s comfortable with admitting.

This is immediately followed by a suspiciously contrived confessional shot of Deena saying “I definitely don’t have sex on the first night. It’s not Halloween. I’m not handing out candy for free. Like, you need a golden ticket to get into these drawers. Dario is not getting the golden ticket tonight.”, followed by her saying “I haven’t done sex in like… three months.”, followed by “WhateverWhatever, my golden ticket was taken, it is what it is, and you know what? Dario is a good guy.”

The confessional is contrived because it makes Deena look like she intended not to give it up, when, in fact, she orchestrated the entire thing from all the way back when they were in the club together and she asks him “Do you want to kiss me?”. She knew what her plan was and she executed it properly. Her goal was to hook up with him and relieve her (not that I believe this either) 3-month dry spell, and that’s what she did.

My point isn’t that Deena’s an anomaly, but rather that she’s typical. Guys have to deal with nonsensical statements from women every day. It’s all in the game. At first, it’s something that throws you off. 😀 You start wondering what you did to change her mind. Eventually, you realize she’s only saying things to convince other people, and most likely, to convince herself that she’s not planning to do exactly what she’s planning to do.

Pay attention, however.. I’m not saying to ignore what a chick’s saying, because there’s a percentage chance that she’s telling you the truth. There are lots of gals that say what they mean and mean what they say. I’m not saying that “Let’s Cuddle” is code for “Let’s Hook Up”. I’m saying that her saying she’s not going to do anything with you doesn’t have any bearing whatsoever on what she actually DOES right after that, or 20 minutes later, or the next morning or a week from now.

Guys do a similar thing in order to save face. They’ll swear up and down that a chick’s busted, ugly, fat, a grenade, whatever, but as soon as they don’t think their boys are going to find out about it, they’re down to hook up with that same chick, ASAP.

In Other Jersey Shore News…

  1. Mike bags a drunk chick and brings her home
  2. Nicole sleeps in the pen with the dogs.
  3. Nicole breaks a $150 tricycle that she shouldn’t have been riding in the first place and flees the store instead of paying for it.
  4. Pauly fends off tag-team flirtation from Nicole & Deena.
  5. Nicole hooks up with this guy, Jeff, and then refuses to see him again after he says he was engaged to a chick.
  6. The guys shop, cook, clean and are generally useful, as usual, while the girls go shopping for lingerie.
  7. MTV showed a Keyboard Cat commercial.
  8. Nicole runs her mouth instead of working at the t-shirt shop, which makes sense, because she gets paid more to appear in the episodes than she makes trying to sell t-shirts.
  9. MVPD hit the club.
  10. Pauly makes friends with his stalker, Danielle, and invites her to the house to chill and get made fun of.

Did I Stutter?

Seemingly experiencing a brain-oriented malfunction, Sammi either fails to understand what Ronnie’s saying to her or refuses to believe it:

Sammi: Come back over here. It’s cold
Ronnie: …………….
Sammi: You wanna come back here?
Ronnie: Is that why you came up here? So you can still argue with me? I’m sleeping
Sammi: I straight up don’t want to do this with you anymore
Ronnie: Stop threatening me! Serously!
Sammi: Why do you always take it so negative? Do you want to come to bed with me?
Ronnie: Obviously not, if I haven’t gotten up and gone over there.
Sammi: Ron?
Ronnie: Just leave me alone.

This goes on and on until Sammi initiates another loop of asking Ronnie several times if he wants to break up with her, Ronnie replying in the affirmative several times, and Sammi continuing to ask him if he wants to break up with her.

BWONNNGGGGGG… Einstein Say “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result”. Let this be a lesson to guys and gals alike. Do Not ask questions that you don’t really want the answers to, such as:

Do you want to break up with me?
Were you screwing some chick when you told me you were playing poker?
Does this outfit make me look fat?
Do you think I’m a psycho?
Did he **** you better than I did?
Do you like my mother’s personality?
Would you still date me if I went broke?
Would you have sex with my sister?
Would you have sex with me and my sister?
Would you have sex with me, my sister and my mother?

Make ONE HUNNID PERCENT SURE that you want to know the answer to these questions before you open your mouth to ask them. If you’re only asking because you’re sure you know the answer, you might be in for a rude awakening.

Having watched the coming attractions to next week’s show, I know that after Ronnie leaves the room to get away from Sammi and retreats to the farthest corner of the house he possibly can, she follows him like a shadow, like usual, and keeps asking redundant questions until she finally gets the picture that she no longer has any control over Ronnie. Her reaction to this is to say she wants to “get him back” and then she gets up on a stage in the club and announces something about a hot guy and then is seen dancing with some dude she doesn’t know from Adam, while Ronnie watches them.

First of all, everybody knows that when Sammi’s not with Ronnie, all she wants to do is curl up in a ball and stay in bed. She doesn’t want other guys. She most certainly doesn’t want other RANDOM guys. She’s not going to DO anything with these guys. She’s been riding Ronnie’s dilznick for the last full year, all the way through him hooking up left and right in Miami AND her watching the videotape of him hooking up left and right in Miami AND all her family and friends watching the footage as well… She’s not fooling anybody by getting on a stage and dancing with a guy she doesn’t know, doesn’t care about, doesn’t love, and isn’t jocking.

Second.. What is it that makes people who get dumped think that they can make their ex jealous by flaunting the fact that someone else just picked up the garbage they tossed away? Does that make any sense? If you throw a gum wrapper on the floor, do you get upset when someone else picks it up? 😀

This is just more of that blackmail behavior that indicates mental instability. If you’re friends with Jenni, I’m going to punch you in your face. If you break up with me, I’m going to give up my ass to the first stranger I meet while you watch. If I ask you if you want to break up with me and you reply “Yes, We’re Done!”, I’m going to keep asking you until you change your answer to something I like……

Sometimes, no matter how much you feel like tappin’ that, the sex just isn’t worth the hassle of negotiating with blackmailers. Let’s see if Ronnie learns his lesson THIS time. :/ Connect with Bill via Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, MySpace, Email Subscription, RSS Feed

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