Jersey Shore S03 E08

So far, Ronnie has set males of the species back at least 50,000 years.

This week’s episode of Jersey Shore was entitled “The Great Depression”.

It probably should have been called “The Great VIEWER Depression”.

How is it that you decide to give the people who are the least effective at living MORE air-time instead of less? o_O

I had been SOOOOO looking forward to Ronnie & Sammi dropping out of the storyline entirely that I was just barely able to resist fast-forwarding all of Ronnie’s redundant scenes.

Very weak episode. I’m not suspecting next week’s is going to be any better, judging by the coming attractions they showed at the end.

What???

We start off the episode with Ronnie in the confessional, saying “I’m still shocked that Sam, actually, is leaving… You know, I never thought that she’d actually leave. :(”

What kind of people are they making these days? haha I mean, seriously..

I have a chess set. It’s not a fancy chess set. It’s a regular chess set. It has regular, plastic, chess set pieces… If you break one of my chess set pieces… just ONE of my pieces, it could even be a pawn.. If you break ONE of my chess set pieces on purpose, you’re ******* excommunicated.

Period.

There isn’t going to be any discussion about why you broke my chess piece. There isn’t going to be any discussion about I cheated on you or I was dancing with some girl or I admitted being friends with some chick that the piece-breaker had commanded me not to be friends with as if this isn’t a FREE. *******. COUNTRY!

I don’t care WHY you broke my chess piece if you did it on purpose. That piece made me happy. You destroyed it. You’ve taken steps to deliberately decrease my happiness. Those aren’t the types of people I spend time with. That list now includes you, so PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST! *waving* BUH-BYE!!! >:D

What in the hell makes a grown-ass man that destroyed ALL the belongings of a grown-ass woman that he could get his hands on NOT think that she MIGHT COULD leave him as a relationship, him as a friend, him as an acquaintance, and the entire house the person who broke ALL HER STUFF lives in? o_O

Can anybody explain this to me? It doesn’t make any sense.

OTOH, or, probably the same hand… What makes a grown-ass woman think that she can punch a grown-ass man in the face and retain her relationship to him? It appears to be the exact same psychosis.

Psychosis is a loss of contact with reality, usually including false beliefs about what is taking place or who one is (delusions) and seeing or hearing things that aren’t there (hallucinations).

Let’s take Ronnie at his word for a second.. Let’s say he actually DIDN’T think she would ever leave. I suppose that might explain why he felt free to break all her stuff. Who cares, if she’s still gonna stick around and give it up?

I suppose that might explain why he felt free to call her at least 80,000 bitches and hoes, screaming right in her face about how useless she is because she never cooks for him and filth, flarn, filth, flarn, filth so that his dialogue sounded more like morse code than human yelling because of all the censorship beeps.

The hope for the future is that Ronnie goes on to say “I ****** myself in so many ways… I can’t even look at myself in the mirror at this point.”

Hopefully, this means that Ronnie’s realized that a) he’s miserable without being around Sammi, and b) if he keeps akkin’ a foo, he’s NOT going to be around Sammi = he’s going to be miserable, so he needs to STFU and stay in line with Sammi’s commands and play her position as her running dog instead of thinking he has some kind of autonomy in this situation.

Mike, The SNITCHuation

Probably the best part of this entire, boring episode was when Vinny named Mike “SNITCHuation”. If you’ve been following along with my Jersey Shore recap posts, I’ve been saying that Mike’s a snitch for weeks, already.

I had been discussing this with a friend, who pointed out that his snitching has reached SHAKESPEARIAN PROPORTIONS by now. Mike makes SURE that everybody who wasn’t supposed to receive information RECEIVES IT.

So, here comes Mike, who snitched on Ronnie, that he was downstairs talking to Jenni, causing Sammi to hustle downstairs and punch Ronnie in his face.. Here comes this same dude to console Ronnie while he’s (predictably by now) crying.

Again, I have to ask… What kind of people are they making these days? Tell my girlfriend she shouldn’t be with me and my relationship to her isn’t healthy and she needs to move on one day, and then pat me on the back in support when she leaves?… GEEEEEEEET THE **** OUTTA HERE! :/

Ronnie summed Mike’s contributions up properly by saying “Listening to Mike about relationship problems is like listening to a sailor about flying a plane.”

I’m Leaving… Bring The Cameras

Next, Sammi arrives at her family’s home and says “I have never been so hurt in my entire life.”

This is most likely because nobody’s ever been real with her in voicing their opinions about her personality and usefulness.

People considered to be attractive in the USA get amazing perks in life, one of which is that regardless of how much they act like jerks, people are willing to either downplay how much of a jerk they are or not mention it at all so they can keep hanging out with the attractive person.

You can tell Sammi is basking in attractive privilege when she talks about Jenni, Nicole & Deena’s looks like they’re common dogs and her response to “The Letter” was shock that Ronnie was “making out with fat girls in the club”.

Welcome to head-case central once she starts gaining weight and her negative thoughts turn inward.

Her moms is cute and all that, but she LOOKS LIKE someone’s moms, so we can see the direction Sammi’s body will be heading in.

Somehow, the show returns to Ronnie after this. :/

I will say, in MTV’s defense, that Ronnie has been wearing the exact same “Kill Your TV” t-shirt for 3 episodes, which means they’ve been *MILKING* the footage from a single evening’s shoot.

The verbal fight, Ronnie going to the club, Sammi going to the same club, Ronnie trashing all her stuff, Sammi leaving, Ronnie crying some more, Sammi returning home and the rest of the beginning of this episode all occurred over a span of a few hours.

This means that there probably ISN’T any footage of anybody else doing anything interesting that fits into the storyline here.

Ronnie goes begging for information to Nicole & Deena. I suspect he was too enraged and drunk to realize that these are the two chicks who were RESPONSIBLE for his girl rubbing her ass on some dude right in front of your face. It was THEIR stupid, single-ass, don’t-have-a-man, idea. Now Sammi’s single too, which is what they wanted, at YOUR expense.

One of the other funny things about people these days is that they rally around the smallest, most insignificant things in order to feel connected to someone… connected to anyone. It’s funny, watching these fake alliances become created out of thin air and then break apart as quickly as they were conjured up.

Sammi’s better than Jenni for some odd reason I can’t figure out. Sammi’s better than Nicole & Deena because they’re both 4’9″ and orange. All of a sudden, when Sammi alienates Ronnie, she apologizes to Nicole and gets accepted into the group “girls” like as if she hadn’t been being an asshat this entire time.

Ronnie calls Jenni & Nicole fake, under pressure from Sammi, but then steps to them on a humble when he needs to find out where his girlfriend that he broke up with no less than six times in the last two episodes went and whether she’s coming back anytime soon.

Mike undermines Ronnie’s relationship, then when Ronnie calls him out on it, a quick “I’m going to say I was wrong” mentally stuns Ronnie into believing that Mike actually has his back. Mike tries to steal Vinny’s girls incessantly. Mike claims to be in the group “boys”, but then snitches any and every single chance he gets to the girls.

The problem here is that all these relationships are based on nothing. They’re not actual relationships. They’re people standing next to other people with no alliances at all. As soon as the slightest thing that causes divergent opinions, the truce is cancelled.

This is why the concept of Frenemies is pervasive in this society. People don’t bother being real to each other. They just swear allegiance, and that’s supposed to mean something.

This is why people keep getting punched in the face and having all their stuff broken by the same people they have sex with…

Yawn

The next block was wasted with the girls putting cake on Vinny’s face, Vinny dropping a water balloon he was trying to close, the guys trying to put something in one of the girls’ beds (which I have to give Deena ultimate props for hiding out, catching them in the act and reversing the prank on them), and then Vinny hiding grown-ass woman, Nicole’s crocodile stuffed animal by hanging it outside the house where she never would have looked.

Unfortunately for Vinny, he had to pass through Mike’s room to hide Nicole’s toy. Of course, Mike ratted him out, earning himself the name “The SNITCHuation”.

The block after that was wasted on scenes about a malfunctioning toilet at the house, and Ronnie crying, AT WORK, in the bathroom, while Nicole needed to use the bathroom for what bathrooms are actually used for.

Seriously.. Who cares about ANY of that? How did any of this footage make air?

Next, the girls decide to remove all of Sammi’s stuff from Ronnie’s room, and then pretend that they didn’t do it. Not Interesting.

Next, Jenni’s on the duck phone, talking to Sammi and actually says her name out loud so Ronnie becomes aware that she’s called the house and didn’t request to speak to him. Smart.

Next, they show an uneventful go-kart race between the roommates.

Next, Sammi plays her sister out the pocket by letting her say Sammi isn’t there, and then immediately saying that she IS there, listening in on the phone. :/ How about if you help your sister lie properly, especially considering that YOU probably told her to LIE IN THE FIRST PLACE and say that you weren’t there. Listen in on the conversation, like you were, let your sister hang up the phone, and then call Ronnie back as if you just walked in. Damn. :/

The funny thing about that interaction is that when Ronnie found out he was speaking directly to Sammi, he didn’t have anything to say, except “You’re welcome” and “I’ll talk to you later”. What happened to all that yang he was talking to the rest of the girls about how down he was and how he realizes he messed up the relationship and he lost a good thing?

Unless this was another MTV chop-shop edit-fest, Ronnie’s saying all the right things to all the wrong people.

Then again, it’s usually much easier to scream “THAT’S WHY I CHEATED ON YOU IN MIAMI, YOU USELESS, SELFISH, *BITCH*!!!” right in your supposed girlfriend’s face than to say “I’m sorry and I wish you’d come back” to her over the phone.

More time was wasted with useless footage about soiled panties that were found, of course.. in the bathroom. I think whomever produced this episode just told the editors to do a search through footage notes for the word “bathroom” and see if they could make a complete episode out of this garbage.

More Robbery

In the only potentially interesting storyline of this entire episode, an ex-girlfriend of Pauly’s shows up to the club. Pauly’s glad to see her and introduces her to the housemates, including Mike. Mike proceeds to attempt to bag her, saying “I can take you home with me”.

I would say that there’s seriously something mentally wrong with this dude, except his friends keep letting him do this to them. You can’t blame someone for something they never recognize consequences for.

It’s obviously his fault that he tries to bag any chick at any time, regardless of what your relationship to her is, but you can’t say he’s deliberately being an asshat until people tell him to stop and he doesn’t.

I had this situation happen to me back in the day. My reaction was the exact same as Pauly’s.. “Girls that I make my girlfriend are smart enough chicks not to fall for Situation’s ****.”

That’s really the bottom line. If any dude with a lame, bullshit rap can pull your girl, she’s not really YOUR girl, is she? o_O

Your vetting process has to include her character instead of just her looks. You should be able to leave your chick ANYWHERE, around ANY DUDES and not be concerned that she’s gonna give it up…. That doesn’t mean she WON’T! hahaha 😀 You could be completely wrong about her. I’m just saying that if you don’t feel that way about her, there’s no point in claiming her as being your girlfriend or even a close friend of yours.

In my case, the perp was bold enough to kick it to my girl WITH other mutual friends of ours within earshot. I was immediately informed of the situation by those friends of mine, and my girl repeated the same story to me when I asked her about it.

I was annoyed, but I wasn’t upset. When you select chicks, other dudes are SUPPOSED to want to **** them. Your taste is supposed to be better than theirs anyway, so other than the fact that they respect you as their friend, they should be trying to bag your girl any chance they get.

The problem with Mike consistently trying to steal Vinny & Pauly’s chicks is that a) he’s being blatantly disrespectful to them, and b) he’s doing it right in their faces. The friend of mine that tried to get my girl was around us lots of times BEFORE he did that and lots of times AFTER he did that. There was not one. single. time. that he ever pressed up on her or did anything disrespectful towards me when I was present. That would have prompted a.. vigorous discussion.

Mike’s basically like “**** Y’all! 😀 All Your Girl Are Belong To Us! >:D”, which isn’t cool at all.

I hope someone addresses this issue better than Vinny “gave Mike a talking-to” the other day and got easily psychologically defeated. Since it hasn’t happened yet, I doubt it actually ever will.

The Big Payback

So.. Typically by now.. VInny The King pulls a girl from the club while Mike & Pauly fail whale.

I’m going to say again this week like I’ve been saying every week that I think Pauly is out of the game and still dating Rocio.

I can’t see any other reason for his lack of production this entire season. He completely fell off.

Mike has always been hit or miss. If chicks like his body, he gets one. Otherwise, he doesn’t.

Recently, Mike has a history of sniffing around girls that Vinny already brought back to the crib.

For that, Mike should just stay home and wait to see what Vinny gets so he can try to hook up with her too.

Meanwhile, Nicole has bagged a dude from the same club, so she and Vinny are the only ones about to get on… Separately, not together.

Deena buss her ass in the street and then has some kind of drunken mental breakdown, talking about “No one loves me”, probably because Nicole didn’t invite her to share the dude she bagged in a threesome.

Ronnie finally makes himself useful by calming Deena down and distracting her with cooking chores.

At some point, Vinny realizes that the dude that Nicole dragged home to service her is the same dude that was responsible for cockblocking him a couple of episodes ago. Vinny had foolishly extracted a girl that had been surrounded by family members who weren’t going to be able to show their faces at home without her. Just as he had started kickin’ back with her, her uncle arrived and re-extracted her! HAHAHA 😀

MTV had played this situation up for drama in the coming attractions, but it was clear that nothing was going to come of this.

If they had actually rolled up to the room when Thirsty-Ass Nicole was JUUUUUUST about to get ****** and kicked dude out of the house, they would never have heard the end of it from Nicole.

Cockblocking HIM wouldn’t have worked out in their favor because they would have had to cockblock HER at the same time.

*PRO TIP* – If it’s your style to go home with drunk, desperate girls who primarily want to have sex with you because they “haven’t gotten it in in 4 months”, which basically means they haven’t been sober enough to REMEMBER having sex in the last 4 months.. Do NOT complicate issues by asking her to recite actual facts such as YOUR NAME, HER NAME, what club you met her in, what street you’re walking on.. NOTHING! >:D

If you’re already on your way to getting some, who gives a damn what she thinks what your name is? haha Seriously! 😀

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