Jersey Shore S03 E09 [Part 01]

Just like I suspected, this week’s episode of Jersey Shore SUUUUUUUUCKED! 😀

They should have called this one “Cutting Room Floor”. I saw so much footage that should never have made it to television. It’s obvious that they’re just using filler content to stretch the length of this season. Shows left and right are having their season finales and Jersey Shore just goes on and on. o_O

This episode demonstrates why I had predicted during the Miami season that season 03, where they return to the ACTUAL Jersey Shore, should be the last one in the series and they should put it to rest after this. There’s no more storyline. Nothing new’s going to happen.

Unlike “The Real World” and every other show about the dating scene, they picked a static cast. If they had had new housemates every summer, they could have rocked Jersey Shore indefinitely. Unfortunately, there’s not much depth of field in that lifestyle, so putting a cast together that people might want to watch isn’t very likely. They have to keep rockin’ with the people they already have.

Which is pathetic if you look at the commercials that Ronnie and Pauly D. have been doing. Those dudes can’t even act for COMMERCIALS, and they’re worldwide television celebrities by now.

One of the things that bothers me, as an editor, is that I can see how they’re extending these scenes to waste the viewer’s time.

Each of these episodes is made of hours and hours and hours of video. You cut it down so you tell the story, keep it interesting and get right back out. Keep the viewer immersed. Keep people wondering what’s going to happen next… In fact, I fell asleep about 37 minutes into the show. The only reason I know what happened is that my DVR is set to record it anyway, and after a good, solid rest, I started watching the episode where I left off… or drifted off….

What they’re showing is garbage. There’s too much footage of a toilet. A. *******. TOILET!.. What? :/ Why is our time being wasted, when you have three dudes (Ronnie doesn’t count anymore) that claim to be pimps, specialize specifically and pretty much religiously in so-called “Guido” culture, and live in a house around the corner from the boardwalk of “Guido” central?… WHERE. IS. THE. *******. ACTION?

How come we’re seeing footage of them standing around at work, not selling ANY t-shirts? How come we have to watch 6-8 segments of Nicole and Deena being stuck in a car, not realizing they’re way out of position until they see the Empire State Building? Why are we watching Jenni drive Mike to get takeout food? All this stuff needs to be on the cutting room floor. What the hell is going on with this show?

Solicited Romance

The episode starts off interestingly enough.

Nicole is in bed with the dude that just screwed her, due to no macking of his own. She walked around the club, found him, wanted to hook up with him, danced with him, made out with him, brought him home and gave him some.

Good for her. 🙂 She had been complaining that she hadn’t gotten any in 3-4 months.. I forget which, because she says that every. single. time. she hooks up with a guy, so it’s not like I believe her to begin with.

Nicole’s first words to him are “Spoon Me!!! Can you not be the worst snuggler, ever? :/”

This doesn’t make any sense. Dude didn’t come to the crib to snuggle. He came to ****. He just finished doing that. He’s not interested in acting like you’re his girlfriend. I mean.. It’s a good idea, if he feels like hitting it easily ever again in life, but he got it this time without trying, so why should he fell like next time’s going to be any different. You’re going to drink. You’re going to get horny. You’re going to look for any guy you can hook up with and you’re gonna try to make that happen.

Snuggling has nothing to do with how Nicole kicked it to him. In fact, his response is “What do you mean?”, haha Dude is CHILLIN’! 😀 He already got his. He already wore it out, as Nicole attests to later in the episode. His job is done. All he needs to do now is sleep or eat breakfast.

I suppose there’s a lesson here for chicks that like to do this sort of thing. There’s nothing wrong with it because it’s your life. Enjoy it however you see fit. Just don’t think that because you decide to give it up, romance is supposed to come along with the package.

If you step to a dude like “I’m taking you home with me tonight”, he’s gonna feel like you’re hardcore about yours. If you’re pimpin’ like that, you know the game and you know the drill. Get to the nitty-gritty and hope it’s good for you. If y’all end up as friends, lovers, dating each other or never seeing each other again, that’s just the luck of the draw.

Also, if you’re the type of guy that girls throw sex at you, you’ve run into ACTUAL hardcore girls that WILL push you off of them and roll the **** over and start snoring right after they get theirs! 😀 hahaha I mean.. That’s what I *HEARD* :/

haha Pull up on one of THOSE chicks and you’re liable to get batted away so she can get her sleep on in peace. Your best bet is to go make yourself a sandwich and skate.. Unless, of course, you live too far away to get home quickly, in which case you knock out and probably wake up to her on the phone talking to her boyfriend, explaining how her phone had run out of batteries when she was out with her girlfriends all last night. 😉

So “Cuddle with me!” as a command shows how much of an amateur Nicole is to the “Screw random dudes” game.

You didn’t cuddle with him last night. You made out with him in the club, brought him home, sat him on the couch, declared that you were taking the guest room for the evening, took him upstairs and jumped his bones. If he felt like cuddling with you, he would have done it. He STILL didn’t do it when she requested it. He lazily threw one arm over her. His next line was “Want me to go?”, which means “May I be excused, now that I’ve gotten mineS without you a) causing a scene, or b) badmouthing me to other girls I’m going to try to screw later today?”

Nicole then does a confessional saying something about “No dinner dates” for him…… WHAT? o_O haha Let’s go over this again. He never asked you out. He didn’t try to take you to dinner. He was in a club. He was minding his business. YOU walked up to him. YOU started dancing with him. YOU made out with him. YOU invited him home and YOU gave him sex.

Why in the world would he be thinking about going on a dinner date with you?

This kind of projection is one of the things that makes the casual sex game NOT THE MOVE for a lot of females. Y’all fail to realize that we’re not interested in anything else other than what we just finished doing. Nobody cares about going on dates with you. Nobody cares whether you’re going to give us some ever again. Nobody cares if you don’t like the lack of cuddling. You’re not denying us anything important by talking about what YOU would like to do with us. We don’t care.

Ten Years Gone

Next, Nicole announces to Jenni that she had sex last night. So what? That’s not supposed to be an achievement for a female. Y’all don’t have to actually WORK to get laid. All you have to do is a) look good, and b) go outside. Some dude’s gonna try to hit it.

It’s like Chris Rock said to dudes: “Don’t try to get credit for taking care of your kids… You’re *SUPPOSED* TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR KIDS!!!”

She announces that dude is one-and-done, and she’s on to the next guy, so she decides to call up Nick. If I recall correctly, while she was rolling around on the exact same bed with Nick a couple of episodes ago, the excuse she gave for supposedly not giving it up was that she was on her period… So, we can assume that she blew Nick, but didn’t have actual intercourse with him.

So they talk on the phone and he tells her to call him later in the afternoon.

FILLER – Worthless scenes of Mike, Pauly & Deena heading to work. I suppose the value of that scene was that there has to be something in the contract that says the T-Shirt Shop has to be featured a certain amount during the season, since the owner of the shop is also the owner of the house they’re staying in.

Ronnie has a chat with his pops, the important part being when Ronnie says “I would rather have nothing, and in ******* ten years, I’ll be with [Sammi], than have everything and ******* have no peace of mind.”

This is when it’s time to give up the ghost, dude. If you’re fantasizing about being with the same chick ten years from now, stop tryin’na flex like you have any sort of leadership position in this relationship.

Stop talking back to her. Stop arguing with her. Stop breaking her belongings that you didn’t pay for. Stop talking to girls she commands you not to talk to. Stop crying when she gives up ass on the dance floor to the next man. Stop calling her a “useless, selfish bitch” to her face. Stop telling her you’re glad you cheated on her in Miami and you’re glad you did it because you don’t like her anyway… Just stop EVERYTHING and play your position… Which is in the back.

Community Property

Next, we see Nicole tele-stalking Nick by calling his phone over and over. Had she actually gotten through, we would have heard her telling him she wanted to cuddle later that evening. Once again, the way she’s presenting herself isn’t conducive to making guys see her as anything other than an easy lay.

Calling a guy up so you can sex him, then tele-stalking him when he doesn’t call you back to receive it is not the beginning of a romantic evening. It’s the beginning of a guy eventually getting laid and then bouncing.

As Nicole wonders why she can’t get through, Jenni (prophetically, according to the edit) says “What if you hooked up with one of his friends last night?”

This, of course, is a distinct possibility when you only frequent 3 nightclubs, a couple of bars, a boardwalk and a beach for several weeks in a row.

One of the good things about living in NYC is that you never see the same people. There are too many neighborhoods and too many bars. If you want to avoid someone that you know wouldn’t set foot in Brooklyn, you go out for drinks in Brooklyn. Problem solved. 😀

However.. If you frequent the same places every week, it really becomes a matrix of who hooks up with whom at what time. Successful dudes extract different chicks all the time. When they return, they’re now “That chick that whomever banged”. Some girls do the same thing. Party Friday night, meet a guy, take him home, Party Saturday night, meet a guy, take him home, do nothing on Sunday, because she’s broke.

Thanks to everyone’s friend, the double standard, these girls are known as Community Property, or perhaps the Group Slide. Pretty much, whichever guy’s in the right position when she gets horny, he’s the one that gets to hook up with her that night.

So.. As it turns out.. The three guys that Nicole’s been able to get her hands on over the last several episodes all know each other. In fact, two of them are cousins.

How do we know this?.. Jenni now dating Roger. Jenni wanted Nicole to cheer up, so she asked Roger to bring a friend to meet her. Roger brought Nick. I’m pretty sure that’s when Nicole was on her period. Nick is friends with Jeff. Nicole messed with Jeff but stopped when she found out that he used to be engaged. \o/ Don’t ask me for the logic on that, because there isn’t any. Gianni came to the house with his uncle to cockblock Vinny from hooking up with this girl he had extracted from the club that’s related to them. Nicole saw him in the club at some later date, brought him back to the house and gave him some.

Obviously, Gianni knew from his cousin Jeff that Nicole was easy. He knew that all he had to do was get back to the house with her and she’d give it up, so he just STFU and let Nicole do all the work to get him laid.

The important part, however, is something that I said more than two years ago, back in September, 2008, in “Ladies: Why He Won’t Call You His Girlfriend”:

For some reason that I’ll most likely NEVER understand, 🙂 women just about universally refuse to believe that guys they have sex with don’t tell their close male friends.

Basically, ladies… You can assume a 16-hour window of privacy… assuming the guy fell asleep for a full 8 hours after he tapped that. The best you can hope for is “Yeah. I hit it”. The worst case… well the WORST case is videotape… but the worst case, normally, is a detailed description of WHERE he hit it (indoors, outdoors, on what furniture/appliance…), WHAT position you were in and HOW MUCH you enjoyed each position.

This being the case… if you insist on dating guys that know each other, they come to the table (dryer, washing machine…) knowing what they can get from you and how much they need to do to get it.

So, What Had *HAPPENED* Was… Nick found out at the gym that his friend’s cousin ****** Nicole… Think about that… When Nicole ejected Gianni, it was bright daylight, meaning that at the very earliest, it was 6am. She tried to call Nick after 4:30pm, less than 12 hours later, and he had already HEARD that his friend’s cousin tapped that. Just like I said.

Especially now, in the age of texting, your business will probably be in the street when you get up and go to the bathroom to wash up. If dude isn’t alseep already, he’s probably texting his boys that he just screwed you and asking where everybody’s hanging out tonight for food and war stories (read: detailed descriptions of the hookups they just came from).

Also, Roger said that Nick HEARD about it at the gym. He didn’t say Gianni told Nick. He didn’t even say that Gianni told Jeff, who told Nick. Just the way you see guys sitting around blabbing about the sports events from last night, they’re talking about you, too. 😀

This is the same thing that happened to Deena earlier in the season. She was dating Dean, under the exact same Nicole-esque circumstances. She saw him in the club, danced with him, kissed him, brought him home, asked him if he had a girlfrtiend, he lied and said no, she spent the night with him and claimed she didn’t give it up, Sammi told her she knew the dude AND his girlfriend, Deena kept dating him anyway, she hooked up with him, the fellaz went for a haircut, asked the barber about the guy named Dean who looks like Ronnie, and the barber informed them that Dean said that Deena asked him if she could rim him.

So, whether it’s true or not, that rumor started with Dean and was told to the barber, obviously in front of other dudes, as there’s never a time when there are only two people in a barber shop. If he told the barber, he told all his homeboys as well. The barber has been offering this information to anyone that knows Dean. Nobody asked the barber about Deena. Nobody said her name. The rumor was volunteered. The barber said it to Ronnie in front of Mike, Pauly & Vinny. This is how your business gets exponentially disseminated into the streets.

So, Roger, who is currently not even IN Seaside Heights, heard from Nick that he heard at the gym that his friend’s cousin screwed Nicole less than 12 hours ago. Who do you suspect DOESN’T know that Gianni got that? o_O

The only reason Deena found out what Dean said about her is because Mike is a gossip-ass-bitchassedness-SNITCH and loves to tell people what they weren’t supposed to find out. Because of Mike breaking “Guy Code”, like he always does, a) Dean got screamed on at the club by Deena, and b) he probably never got to screw her again.

This is why a lot of women think that what they do with guys is a secret. Guy Code dictates that you DO NOT mention to a chick what you know about her, because you’re going to ruin the situation for the guy who was kind enough to entertain you with the stories about her to begin with, AND because you don’t want her to know that you know she gives it up or she likes it doggie style or whatever dude said about her.

Unless you’re somebody like Mike, who gets off on snitching, you’re going to pretend like every chick you meet is the Virgin Mary, even though you know damned well otherwise.

Casper & Friends

One thing I’ve found interesting throughout the three seasons of Jersey Shore is that the guys in the house make clear distinctions between, let’s say, ladies and whores, without any validly-defined threshold between the two.

There are only four situations where women have been given high marks on the show:

  1. The girls are related to one of the male housemates.
  2. The male housemates consider them close friends or ex-girlfriends.
  3. The girls wouldn’t get in the hot tub in season 01.
  4. Pauly & Vinny met the girls they wanted to double date with in season 02.

There seems to be some kind of mental block, based on reason #2, stopping the guys in the house from calling Nicole a ho.

I mean, they can’t call her a ho because they’re being videotaped and she’s going to see it. I’m just saying that she’s starving for tha dilznick way more than these drunk grenades (wack chicks) they bring home, but the guys REFUSE to place her in the same category, merely because she’s a friend of theirs.

Vinny even knows that every time Nicole gets drunk, she climbs in bed with him. I know he doesn’t believe that’s something unique about HIM! 😀 She tried to make out with ALL of the guys at the same time in the hot tub on the very first day she was in the shore house in season 01. I don’t see how she gets a pass.

Meanwhile, they feel fine with trash-talking and low-rating any girl that comes to the house and gives it up. \o/

Discussing the “Nicole Getting Some” situation, Pauly says “What’s up with dudes meeting girls for the first time and ******* them?”, which is obviously a joke, because that’s the only thing that’s been happening on this show since it started.

Vinny says to Nicole “I want you to hook up and get with a guys, but not.. I just don’t want that kid.. I want good quality guys”. Nicole responds “There ARE no good quality guys in Seaside, jerk.”

The rather valid point Nicole had been trying to make is that the guys feel cool and proud about themselves, pulling girls that they turn around and trash-talk for being such hoes that they allowed themselves to be extracted from the club and screwed.. yet, when Nicole does the exact same thing, they make a federal case out of it.

I don’t understand this mentality, personally. It doesn’t make any sense. I know some chicks that are hoes. So what? 😀 That doesn’t disqualify them from my considering them friends of mine, or even close to me. It doesn’t disqualify them from anything at… well, haha it disqualifies them from SOME things! 😉 but I’m saying that I could know a chick who’s the hoiest ho you know, like that Casper, The Friendly Ghost song, and I have no problem making the distinctions that YES, she is my friend and I’m her friend, and YES, she’s a ho.

Since Nicole’s doing the exact same thing the grenades are doing, either all of them are hoes or none of them are. There’s no way around this.

Enforced Virtue

Here’s another reason Jersey Shore is garbage at this point.

Jenni gets hit on by some dude, and it turns out that he knows Roger. She escapes and the edit makes it seem like she initiates the group leaving the club. For some odd reason, they tend to show up and leave together. I assume that’s so the camera crew can stay together.

You see Pauly asking Vinny “Yo. You trying to leave?.. Party Foul?”, and Vinny says “Yeah”.. Two seconds after that, you see a brief scene of Pauly walking down the street, holding hands with one girl while another girl’s talking to her. Before that, we NEVER saw Pauly talk to that girl in the club. After that, we never see that girl again.

How in the hell are you going to have footage in your show about toilets, and you’re going to leave out what people actually tune in to see? It’s so stupid. For that, leave out that one-second clip of Pauly walking with her, and it’s like she never existed.

What kind of Executive Decision is that? :/ .. I’ll say again, like I’ve been saying for several weeks in a row, now, either Pauly fell off, or MTV’s deliberately not airing footage of him hooking up with chicks.

So, as usual, Nicole hops in Vinny’s bed, hoping to get some. He lays down with her for a second, then backs out and does Mike’s patented “Kitchen Ditchin'” and goes to get food instead of accepting the sex that’s waiting for him.

Pauly says “Snooks is passed out on your bed. You should **** her, bro.”, and Vinny responds “I’m not smashing her after she ******* banged some kid last night”, followed by “I care about her too much to let her smash two nights”…….. WHAT? 😀 HAHAHAHA oh man. 😀

This that same el-retardo mentality I was talking about earlier. Vinny declining to hit it doesn’t make Nicole the type of girl that wouldn’t have sex with two different guys within 24 hours.

Apply your brain… She kicked Gianni out this morning. She called Nick for a date for this afternoon, which she would have received, except Nick found out she gave it up to the other dude. She couldn’t get a guy at the club, so she climbed into your bed. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. She was going to hook up with SOMEBODY tonight, and the next night, if she could, and the next night, if she could, but there’s a reason why a chick that thirsty hasn’t had a guy want to get with her in 4 months. o_O

Vinny not taking the easy sex wasn’t changing who Nicole is, it was merely denying her a convenient opportunity to get laid.

What he ACTUALLY should have said was “I told Nicole in the first episode that I wasn’t going to screw her because she’s sweating me too much and catchin’ feelin’s every time I bring a girl home and I don’t need her cockblocking me and throwing unnecessary tantrums all the time because she can’t mind her own business while I’m hooking up with her girlfriends.

Continued in Part 02. Connect with Bill via Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, MySpace, Email Subscription, RSS Feed

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