“When is he going to take me out in public instead of coming over to have sex with me and immediately bouncing?”
“When is he going to tell OTHER PEOPLE I’m his girlfriend?”
“When are we going to get engaged?”
“When is he going to introduce me to his parents?”
Meanwhile, I have NEVER.. In my entire life… Had a guy ask me a question like that about a woman he’s dating. Never. :D
Ladies.. Pay Attention…
If you’re seeing, dating, messing with or hooking up with someone, progression isn’t guaranteed. In fact, you may very well currently be at the highest level of relationship you’re ever going to achieve with this particular guy.
If you’re not aware of how a guy relates to and/or perceives women, you won’t be able to make any educated guesses or decisions about your relationship to him, because you’ll never understand your position on The Roster.
In my experience, women commit to relationships before men do…. WAY before men do.
Pretty much, you can be kickin’ it to a chick on a Monday, and then on Tuesday, she’s like “I’m dating whomever now! :D”, as if something’s actually changed between you during the last 8 hours, while you were sleeping.
It’s really pretty creepy, now that I’m thinking about it. :D They get this glazed look on their faces, and frequently smile too much, seemingly accessing memories of whomever it is that they’re suddenly “committed to” merely because he suggested that they officially represent themselves as “dating” now.
It’s even creepier when you know that this chick just hopped off your boy’s dilznick just last weekend, like she was physically hooking up with and drooling all over your friend, and then a few days later, she’s purportedly “in a relationship” with some other dude.
I think this comes from the brainwashing received by little girls from day 01 that having a boy select them validates their worth. This is why they’re taught to be homemakers while boys are taught to play football and baseball.
Meanwhile, boys are taught to “Get Girls”, and that’s the end of it. It doesn’t really matter which one you get, so long as she looks good and is functionally useful.
For instance, there’s no point in getting a girl that looks good if she’s going to be a pain in the neck to hook up with. There’s no point in getting a girl that’s completely DTF if she doesn’t look good so you don’t want to hit it anyway. You can figure out the rest of the permutations.
So, basically, in the beginning of a relationship, while guys are experiencing “This works for me! :D”, gals are experiencing “He is The One! :D”, which is a completely different level of focus and involvement.
This is one of the reasons why dudes FREAK OUT when a chick they’re dating says she loves them. It’s like “Yo. Take it easy. Things aren’t that serious. It Ain’t That Type-a Party. :/”. We can see how much of a scene they’re going to make when we attempt to pry their hands off tha dilznick when we’re like “Nah, I don’t want to get engaged (to you)”, or “Nah, I don’t want to get married (to you)”, or “Nah, there’s no reason for you to meet my parents and close friends” or whatever.
Your relationship essentially becomes a countdown to The Hindenburg or The Titanic, and it’s not a question of IF, but only a question of WHEN she realizes she’s not who she thinks she is in your grand scheme of things.
This is why I’m going to try to explain The Roster to the ladies. I thought this was completely obvious, but the questions I receive from female readers of the blog indicate that their standing in their relationships remains a complete mystery to them.
There are laws against bigamy in the United States of America:
Bigamy: In cultures that practice marital monogamy, bigamy is the act of entering into a marriage with one person while still legally married to another. Bigamy is a crime in most western countries, and when it occurs in this context often neither the first nor second spouse is aware of the other. In countries that have bigamy laws, consent from a prior spouse makes no difference to the legality of the second marriage, which is usually considered invalid.
Meanwhile, there’s no such law that dictates that a guy can’t have as many girlfriends as he can get. >:D
I never really counted, but I think that before the internet/online age, my maximum was three simultaneous girlfriends, if you don’t count satellite chicks that would have messed with me if I would have put them in the starting rotation.
The reason I bring up the internet is that before all this social media connectivity, you actually had to spend physical time on one gal or another. You couldn’t be on the phone with more than one girl at a time. You couldn’t go out on a date with more than one girl at a time. The number of chicks you could kick it to was limited to the number of hours in a day that you had reserved for that format of recreation. There was also studying, chillin’ with your homeboys, playing sports, meeting new girls, going to parties, hitting the gym… If you only had three hours available on a particular day, that might be three one-hour phone calls in a row with all of your girlfriends, or one three-hour hangout with only one of them.
Thanks to the internet, I can maintain 9 or 10 simultaneous text chats with chicks and be done with my obligations within 30 minutes [assuming that a) I was kickin' it to 9 chicks, and b) they all came online at the same time].. “How was your day?” “What did you do?” “What’s going on next week?” “Let’s get together for drinks” blah blah blah
This new technology is, in fact, what sank Tiger Woods‘ battleship. He tried to multitask chicks, and he’s not smooth like that.
Thanks to texting. You can be sitting at a bar in front of one gal and telling another gal that you’re working, or that you’re running late and will see her later, because [whatever excuse you gave her] is taking longer than you anticipated. She can’t hear the music or see you lampin’ with the other gal, so she has to accept whatever you tell her. Smartphone Texting is the multitasker’s DREAM, so long as you don’t type the wrong content to the wrong chick.
Another thing that makes it easy to have several girlfriends is that women like to front… A LOT! :D haha It’s always “I don’t want to do this!” or “I don’t want to do that!”, which, I suppose gives them some sort of feeling of control over a guy’s happiness.
In fact, what happens when you front is that one of the chicks in the other text boxes gets a surprise opportunity to hang out with The Kid. You can’t stop ME from enjoying my life. You can only stop YOURSELF! >:D
This basic concept is something that throws women off and makes them think they’re in exclusive relationships when they’re actually not. Especially in a town where there are so many more women than men, y’all have to realize that whatever you’re not doing for him, he can get some other chick to do, right now.
There’s no reason for him to argue about it. There’s no reason for him to try to convince you. You had “Right of first refusal” and you exercised your option. Now, he’s going to exercise HIS options.
To a lot of women, this appears to be an exclusive relationship where she put her foot down and he accepted it. In lots of cases, that’s exactly what’s going on. In other cases, she’s completely oblivious to the fact that she’s only one of the chicks on the roster.
I’ve mentioned The Roster informally, but I never actually concretely defined it. This is mainly because I thought it was obvious and didn’t warrant its own post and discussion.
I sometimes refer to it as Voltron Technique, because instead of trying to find all the qualities you like in one woman, you add women that have one or more qualities that you like to the roster and then select whom you’re going to spend time with depending on what you’re craving at that particular time.
Qualities include (but are not restricted to):
- Facial Attractiveness (but no body to speak of)
- Hawt Body (but you don’t necessarily enjoy her grill)
- Intelligence (but no sexuality or sensuality)
- Common Sense
- Deserving Personality (sometimes, it’s just a beautiful thing to be able to do something for a gal that deserves to have things done for her because she has such a stellar personality… although you’d never hit it in, like, a million years)
- Professional In Your Field (it’s really fantastic to be able to talk shop with a chick. she can actually understand what you mean when you gripe about business issues and you can learn from each other’s situations and techniques)
- Professional In Another Field (it’s very cool to hear about fields you’re interested in but never studied, so you don’t have a clue about them)
- World Traveler (real life Travel Channel, sunnn! >:D)
- DTF (no muss, no fuss)
- Tough Chick (it’s annoying, being around wussy, non-athletic chicks all the time)
- Serial Monogamist (fascinating study subjects. excellent blog material)
- Not Aware That She’s A Ho (psychologically entertaining. excellent for mind-expansion, regarding the chemically-based effects of sexuality on women)
- Athlete (inspires you to get in better shape)
- Frigid (amazing to watch and wonder when she’s going to snap out of it and start living her life)
- Safe (for whatever reason, this gal will NEVER press up on you, which means you never have to hit it or reject her and you can remain friends with her indefinitely)
- Loved, Or At Least, Really, Really Liked (a chick where nothing at all has to happen when you spend time with her, you just really enjoy being around her and experiencing the feeling of loving her, regardless of whether it’s requited)
So what happens is, you build the roster, and then you select whatever you’re craving that particular day, like you would from the McDonald’s menu.
You don’t really care what happens, but you want Eye Candy?.. You know whom to contact.
You’re not pressed over how she looks, but you want to have an intelligent, coherent, worthwhile conversation? You know whom to contact.
You want to do something athletic, but not necessarily sensual? You know whom to contact
You want to learn something new or hear about a place you never intend to travel to in your entire lifetime? You know whom to contact.
You definitely want to hook up? You know whom to contact.
This is The Roster. Women enter and exit like a revolving door. You lose one pretty chick, you gain one with a body. One of the smart chicks achieves a boyfriend and becomes defunct for a few months until they break up, and one of the frigid chicks decides it’s time for her to get back in the physical game.
It’s pretty much like Fantasy Football. Trades are made.. Players go on and off the Injured Reserve list.. There’s no official team, like the Steelers or the Jets, but each participant has players from those teams on their roster, and it’s pot luck each week, what each player’s going to be worth to you.
Back At The Ranch…
Meanwhile… Women either understand that they’re only one of the gals on the roster or they don’t.
This is often the guy’s “fault”, because it’s easier to get women to be functionally useful if you convince them they’re the only one you’re seeing / dating / messing with. There’s no reason to inform women that they’re one of like SIX chicks you might spend time with on any given day, unless, of course, you’re willing to completely sabotage your own sexual progress with them.
As you can tell from the list, there are quite a few types of females that fall into this category, such as you think she’s intelligent, but you’re not interested in hooking up with her… or maybe that you ARE interested in hooking up with her, but your business relationship is more important.
This is, in my opinion, the worst problem for women that don’t know they’re on a roster. They’re looking forward to progress in their relationships, but there’s no actual way for them to advance up the pyramid or totem pole.
Let’s say a guy knows a gal that has a PhD and speaks 5 languages. >:D
Regardless of how smart YOU THINK you are, if he wants to spend time with a smart chick, it’s NOT going to be YOU! o_O
More importantly.. If he wants to HAVE KIDS with a smart chick, it’s not going to be you.
Let’s say a guy knows a gal that always wants to have sex with him or strip for him or turn him on in some fashion, and you’re still rockin’ that old-school, holding out, sex embargo, “I’m not that type of girl” bullshit….. You’re through. Finished. The only time he’s gonna kick it with you is when he feels like spending time chipping away at a stone instead of getting straight to the good part.
Let’s say a guy knows a gal that grew up taking care of her younger sisters and he knows damned well she’s really good with kids and a kind, compassionate person. If you’re FOYINE AS HELL, but happen to be A SELFISH JERK who he really doesn’t think is fit to be a mother, you’re through….. He’ll sport you on his arm so all his friends can compliment him on the chick he’s screwing, but if it ever gets down to brass tacks and he decides he wants to have a family, you’re not the one.
Bait & Switch
Another insanely-typical situation is women that try to do the bait & switch on dudes. They try to get a leg up (hahaha pun intended!) by having sex with dudes off the jump and then wonder how they can parlay that into “an actual relationship”. In fact, IT IS an actual relationship. That’s your relationship, that he likes ******* you.
Why in the world would a guy go from a relationship that’s 100% action to wasting time taking you to dinner or the movies or out for drinks or anything that didn’t involve immediate sex?
Do you do overtime at work for free?… Nope! haha When that whistle blows, you’re outta here like Belvedere. Why would you expect dude to take you out on dates when the only reason to take you out is to get you back inside so he can hook up with you?
This is a tough enough transition to make with “single” guys that don’t have any other girls at all. It’s IMPOSSIBLE to make when he already HAS girls to go to dinner with. He already HAS girls that look good on his arm. He already HAS girls he’s thinking about marrying. He probably already has girls to have sex with, but felt like adding more, and that’s where you came in.
So don’t be surprised that every time he gets in contact with you, it’s to set up sex or talk about sex. That’s why you were hired. That’s your position on The Roster. If he didn’t feel like hooking up with you, he wouldn’t be speaking to you at all.
Girlfriends, Fiancees & Wives
The same principle applies to upgrading your relationship to a higher-status title.
Just because some dude tells you you’re in the running to become Mrs. Dude doesn’t mean you’re going to win the race. It doesn’t even mean you’re IN the race, or anywhere near the front of the pack.
If the hammer dropped TODAY, and he was forced to make a decision, you MIGHT COULD get dumped for some woman you never heard of before. She was most likely on the roster before you were. If not, she entered at a higher level than you did when it comes to decision-making about exclusive relationships… You have a nice ass, she makes $200,000/year, you lose.
This is one of the reasons why there’s often hemming & hawing when you bring up the girlfriend, fiancee, wife conversation.. When you want to “make it official”.. When you want him to announce to his friends that you’re his girlfriend. When you want him to introduce you to his parents. When you want him to let you go out with him and his best friends…
A lot of times, that’s not going to work, because his friends have already met his PhD chick. His parents have already met his “I might marry this woman” chick(s). He can’t tell you you didn’t make the grade, because then you’ll stop giving it up, so there won’t be any point in spending time with you at all. It’s in his best interest to string you along until he makes a decision about selecting one woman or decides he’s willing to release you by telling you where you really stand.
Also.. It’s not intelligent for women to assume that a guy y’all are dating intends to EVER make a decision between all of his girlfriends. It’s not a “given”. He might TELL YOU he’s looking for a wife, so he can get his ‘foot in the door’, but that doesn’t mean that a) he’s ACTUALLY interested in only having one woman, or b) that he thinks that YOU might actually qualify for the position.
As many women are starving to get married, you have to be suspicious of guys that don’t go off the market immediately, yet claim that they’re interested in marriage. What are they waiting for? o_O
What is it about YOU that makes them think you might be “The One”?
This is why you need to know whether you’re on The Roster or not. If you’re looking to land an exclusive relationship with a guy, you need to know what your competition’s bringing to the table.
Often, a guy’s friends have a better grasp of what your chances are than you do. They’re not going to TELL YOU, because of Guy Code, but believe me, they know.
While you’re busy having marriage fantasies, they’re like “She’s less sophisticated than this other chick he brought around. She’s not as attractive as that chick he met last week. She’s not all over him like that drunk girl at the party. Her ass isn’t as sweet as that Puerto Rican chick he brought to the park…”
This is one of the reasons that guys are paranoid to bring girls around their friends. It has more to do with what their friends know about the real deal than being embarrassed to show off the chick to them.
Sometimes, you have cutthroats that will throw you under the bus to try to get the rap to your girl, giving up information about other girls you brought around… no good. :D
Sometimes, you have friends that can’t hold their liquor and they end up blabbing all your personal information in the street and accidentally informing the chick of what time it really is.
What To Do?
The first thing you need to do is figure out whether you’re on a roster or not. The second thing is to figure out where you stand, amongst the other women. Third, you need to determine whether you can overcome the awesome forces that oppose your efforts to reach The Dragon’s Lair.
Once you determine all of that, you can decide to remain in the game or bounce.
The obvious problem is how to possibly figure it out… You can’t do it unless he’s willing to communicate honestly & authentically with you…. Of course… Being that you’re already in “a relationship” with him, you assume he’s been communicating authentically with you from the beginning, because if he wasn’t, you can’t trust anything he’s said to you this entire time. You can’t trust that he’s planning to get married. You can’t trust that he’s considering to get married TO YOU. You can’t trust that you’re the only gal he’s dating or having sex with.
This is why I always advocate dating friends of friends. Hopefully, you can count on people you know to give you an accurate assessment of how a guy conducts himself around women. Also, he knows that if he screws up, his entire social circle’s going to hear about it, so he has more incentive to treat you properly if he didn’t naturally feel like doing that to begin with.
The other thing you can do is always strive to be on top of your game. The cream rises to the top. If you’re not sure you’re the ONLY woman he’s dating, make sure you’re THE BEST woman he’s dating, Capisce? >:D
Instead, women typically go in the other direction and once they find out they’re not the only one, they make themselves LESS USEFUL instead of MORE USEFUL and slide right down the totem pole, off the bottom.
If you think you’re not in a competition, you’re wrong.