Jersey Shore Italy Season Predictions

GFF: Grenade-Free FoundationJersey Shore was filmed in Italy this season.

Of course, this doesn’t make any sense, because a) three of them aren’t even Italian, and b) none of them except for Vinny actually SPEAKS Italian.

It also doesn’t make any sense, because just like they didn’t get any play in Miami, because no chicks are checkin’ for their style down there, no chicks are looking for spray-tanned Americans in Italy.

The premiere episode was pretty uneventful, because it was mostly about them traveling to Italy and selecting their rooms, but it was good for setting the tone of the season.

Ronnie

Ronnie claims he’s not going to be crying this season. He also claims he’s not going to be with Sammi this season. I can’t see either one of those being true.

When Ronnie got to the house, he decided to room with Mike, explaining his decision by saying something to the effect of if he took a room with Sammi, he was going to **** her, and he was trying to avoid that.

Most of the time, people try to avoid things that they REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, *NATURALLY* feel like doing.

Sooner or later, Ronnie’s going to get drunk and tap that. The only question here is whether he’s going to fold again or not.

To his benefit, he looked pretty cut, so I suppose the Xenadrine‘s working for him:

Sammi

Inconsequential, as usual.. Sammi’s looking to have another boring season.

One of the recurring problems with the females on this show is that once they achieve boyfriends, they really don’t have any storylines. They get on a couple of rides, eat some cotton candy, drink a lot of alcohol, fall on their faces often, cause trouble that the males have to deal with, and talk to their boyfriends on the phone.

Sammi took herself out of the game by initially messing with Mike and then hooking up with Ronnie for the entire time this series has been on the air.

Without Ronnie, she has no storyline at all….. However… When Sammi finally got to the house in Italy and saw Ronnie, she had that look on her face like she wants to give him some…. So, that’s gonna happen.

One of the myriad benefits to the sexual double-standard the fellaz enjoy here in America is that if women get around, they’re called sluts and whores and all other kinds of things they don’t want to be called, so it’s more likely that they’re going to give it up to their ex-boyfriend than to meet some new guy they’re going to get chastised about.

This is going to work in Ronnie’s favor, when she goes to the club and doesn’t want to look like a ho for hooking up with some random dude, and then Ronnie’s going to bag it when they get back to the castle.

Other than that, Sammi won’t be doing jack-**** this season.

Pauly

Pauly claimed, when they were leaving the USA, that he was going to hook up a lot in Italy. We’ll see what happens.. or maybe we won’t.

They might let the fellaz bring some girls home this season.. meaning, they might actually AIR THE FOOTAGE OF IT, instead of hiding it so that they walk out of the club in one set of clothes and then you see them later on in the house in completely different gear, for no apparent reason.

Last season, MTV was cutting the hookup footage out, probably since the audience for Jersey Shore is the same teenage chicks they were bagging from the clubs, and then talking ALL SORTS OF TRASH ABOUT after the fact.

We’ll get back to Pauly later on…

Jenni

J-Woww basically said that she’s not worried about cheating on her boyfriend because they don’t make 6’4″ Juiceheads in Italy.

That’s like saying that you’re going to be faithful to your wife because there aren’t any other women around. Nice work.

We can count on a whole lot of nothing from Jenni.

She wasn’t effective when she was with her ex-boyfriend (until she started cheating with Roger, her current BF), and she’s certainly not going to be effective now that she has a boyfriend she actually likes.

In fact, she and Pauly admitted that they had messed around during season 01, but MTV cut it out of the footage.. so even if she does something behind Roger’s back, they’re not going to show it on television.

Nicole

Snooki’s a non-factor, as usual.

The only difference this season is that she has a boyfriend, instead of trying to throw sex at any guy that she thought (incorrectly) was likely to take it.

I’m sure her shenanigans and stupidity are still of interest to their target audience, so she’ll remain a heralded television personality, regardless of the fact that everything she says and does is redundant.

Deena

Deena is the wildcard, once again.

From the second she walked in the door, she was DTF. She tried throwing it at Mike, and he wouldn’t take it… In fact.. She tried hooking up with Mike and Nicole at the same time, and Mike was with it, until Nicole bounced, and then Mike disappeared as well.. More on that situation, later.

This season, it looks like Deena’s sweating Pauly. At the end of this premiere Italy episode, she starts feebly making out with him at the club, and Pauly looks like.. Well… Pauly DOESN’T look like he’s really very interested in kissing her.

I would say that Pauly’s look fluctuated between being embarrassed that he was being filmed tonguing Deena down on camera, and looking like he felt like he was licking a used fire hydrant.

I said last season that as desperate as Mike is, there has to be a VERY GOOD REASON why he didn’t take it when Deena threw it at him, and if he knows what it is, the rest of the fellaz know the same thing. This might be why Pauly looked so skeeved out.

We’ll see what develops with this. My prediction is that eventually, Pauly’s going to wax that azz, but I think there’s really only a 55% chance of that. I’m not confident about that prediction at all.

Either way, we can count on Deena getting drunk, waving her ass in the air with her hands on the floor (a dance move called the “Jersey Turnpike”) and throwing it at various Italian fellows for the next several weeks.

Vinny

Vinny has steadily been making a come-up since he was the Junior resident in the house. Mike used to snarf all his girls, and Vinny used to have to settle for whatever was left over after Pauly & Mike claimed the best-looking chicks for themselves.

That ended last season, and Vinny moved, eventually, IMO, to the #1 spot. He bagged the most chicks and made the most decisions. Props to him! >:D

This season, he’s definitely, absolutely, positively the top dog in the house.

It’s not because he gained weight since last season or grew what he’s calling a beard… It’s because Vinny. Is. The. Only. Housemate. That. Speaks. Italian.

That’s right.. In a show that has claimed to have been a representative of a subset of Italian-American culture, NONE OF THEM SPEAK ITALIAN, except for Vinny.

Pauly, Sammi, Mike and Deena have no excuse.

Jenni is Irish. Nicole is Chilean. Ronnie is (I think) Puerto Rican. There’s no reason any of them should be able to speak Italian.

So when they go to the club, and no-rap-game Mike is trying to kick it to a chick, he has to call Vinny over and have him translate to her.

Wack.

This means that REGARDLESS, Vinny is going to have his pick of the women. He’s the only one that can effectively communicate verbally, and, apparently, these so-called playboys have no experience with kickin’ it to women who don’t speak the same language they do.

Maybe they should have practiced on American women.. Trying to get them back home to the hot tub without actually speaking to them. o_O

Anyway.. Vinny’s the clear leader of the pack for this season, and we’ll see how many power moves he makes with his ascension to the throne.

Mike

Mike is the wildcard for this season. Not only is he a gossip, who has previously earned himself the nickname “SNITCHuation”, but he took it upon himself to tell the fellaz that he hooked up with Nicole *AFTER* she had already claimed that her relationship to her boyfriend was “serious” (which means nothing at all, but still, it was a weasel move to announce that on camera, because whether it’s true or not, her boyfriend most likely watched the same episode I just saw, meaning that Mike has snitched yet again).

At the end of this week’s episode, he was pressing up on Nicole in the club, and it looked like he was trying to kiss her. This makes sense, since he’s not going to have a lot of success with Italian women that he needs Vinny to talk to for him, so he may as well go for the in-house “sure thing”.

Predictions

So, it’s looking like this season’s going to be all about in-house hookups. Let’s see how that’s been working so far…

  • Mike, Vinny and Pauly all hooked up with Angelina.
  • Mike and Ronnie hooked up with Sammi.
  • Vinny hooked up with Nicole and her homegirl Ryder, and was scheming on bagging Deena too, until Nicole complained, and Vinny let it slide.
  • Deena tried to throw it at Mike, who didn’t take it. Now, she’s throwing it at Pauly, who’s probably not going to take it.
  • Sammi is useless outside of the context of her relationship to Ronnie.
  • Ronnie claims he’s single now. We’ll see what happens.
  • Jenni hooked up with Pauly behind her boyfriend’s back in season 01, and she currently has a different boyfriend.
  • Nicole threw it at Vinny every time she got drunk, and in between seasons, she gave Mike some, so we’ll see how long “I have a boyfriend” lasts for her.

So.. My prediction is that we’re in for another boring season. There will be some nice scenery, and maybe a few random chicks here and there, but all the episodes should be about the housemates living together and sharing adventures in Italy.

  • Mike should be able to bag Nicole, effortlessly.
  • Pauly’s going to eventually accept the azz from Deena.
  • Vinny’s going to do whatever he wants because he can actually communicate with the local yokels.
  • Ronnie’s going to kick it with a couple of chicks, then revert to the easy lay with Sammi.
  • Sammi won’t do jack-**** until Ronnie gets back with her.
  • Nicole will fend off Mike’s advances until she gets drunk, horny, or both (which appear to occur daily).
  • Jenni will remain faithful to Roger, because she’s scared to death of screwing up their relationship.
  • Deena’s going to make out with a bunch of chicks until Pauly decides to tap that.


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