“Jersey Shore” went pretty much as I suspected, this week.
They started out with Pauly kissing Deena, about which I said last week:
“This season, it looks like Deena’s sweating Pauly. At the end of this premiere Italy episode, she starts feebly making out with him at the club, and Pauly looks like.. Well… Pauly DOESN’T look like he’s really very interested in kissing her.
I would say that Pauly’s look fluctuated between being embarrassed that he was being filmed tonguing Deena down on camera, and looking like he felt like he was licking a used fire hydrant.”
So, at first, they try to make it look like I was wrong. They have Pauly do a confessional where he says “We ended up making out.. It was fun.. She’s a good kisser. I’m a good kisser.”, but right after that, Deena says “Let’s hook up and cuddle” and Pauly’s reply is “Yeah.. I know!”…
“Yeah.. I know”? o_O
That’s not a positive response to a come-on from a chick. That’s barely short of saying “Let’s not, and say we did.”
Moving forward in the episode, Deena tries to throw it at Pauly, and Pauly isn’t interested. Not only is he actively avoiding her, but he tells Vinny in the cab home “If you hook up with D tonight, bro?.. I would appreciate it.”
This is a cry for help. Pauly’s asking Vinny to do the work of rejecting Deena for him. He’s hoping that if Vinny hits it and Deena starts sweating him, she’ll hop off Pauly’s dilznick and he can enjoy the rest of his Italian vacation in peace.
Let’s go over the housemate sex situation again…
Deena is Nicole’s friend. Nicole wanted Vinny to screw her and he did, when they were both drunk. Eventually, Nicole started overdoing it and wanting to date Vinny, which was entirely out of the question and he played it off by saying that he didn’t want to hurt her feelings by messing with her.
What he *meant* was that he was going to be bringing chicks home, REGARDLESS, and he didn’t need Nicole jacking up the situation because she’s jealous.
So, when Nicole brought Deena into the house to replace Angelina, Vinny wanted to screw Deena off the bat. He was making moves towards that when Nicole shut him down by crying about him having sex with her best friend Ryder, and now he was making moves on her friend Deena, and Nicole wanted tha dilznick all to herself.
So, to make Nicole happy, Vinny didn’t screw Deena, which sent her trying to throw it at Mike last season, and he never wanted it, and this season, she’s throwing it at Pauly (and every other guy, when she gets drunk, but that’s not relevant), and he doesn’t want it.
Everybody knows Vinny will still take it, and currently, Nicole claims to have a boyfriend, which should actually give Vinny the green light to hook up with Deena. This is why Pauly asked him to take care of his light work and divert Deena’s attention.
So, Vinny doesn’t hit it and Pauly spends the rest of the episode avoiding kissing Deena again.
Like I’ve been saying for more than a full year now, Sammi is completely useless on this show, other than the sex and arguments she has with Ronnie.
Other than that, she serves no purpose, whatsoever. She’s not trying to hook up with any guys. She doesn’t have any intellectual storylines, nothing.
This is when she’s in AMERICA, and she can speak to other guys and elects not to. She’s totally done off in Italy, where she can’t communicate and is going to be even more scared of men than she is at home.
So.. She has really no part in the episode, other than the obligatory “Watch the girls get dressed” scenes, until Ronnie’s storyline calls for her to be involved, because he’s bragging about girls that he supposedly hooked up with before they came to Italy. At first, he says “Vinny, I ****** four girls before we left”, then he says three girls, then, it’s four girls in three days…
The ‘problem’ here is that that’s only something to brag about if it never happens to you. o_O
How many grown-ass men do you hear brag about being able to tie their shoes four days in a row? None. Because you’re supposed to be able to tie your shoes.
So, if you’re bragging that you bagged several chicks (not that we believe you to begin with), that’s because you didn’t suspect that you were capable of bagging several chicks.
On top of that, without Quality Control, you don’t get any credit for hooking up with several women.
So, anyway.. That’s the only reason Sammi was in this episode.. To find out that Ronnie has more girls now and react to that.
Predictably.. Her reaction was to tell him she wanted to talk about their relationship, and when they got back home, lean on him, tell him she misses him and that she loves him and wants to “go to bed” with him. *YAWN* So her storyline’s going just like I said last week:
“This is going to work in Ronnie’s favor, when she goes to the club and doesn’t want to look like a ho for hooking up with some random dude, and then Ronnie’s going to bag it when they get back to the castle.
Other than that, Sammi won’t be doing jack-**** this season.”
Surprisingly, Vinny was dormant on the rap scene this week. It’s possible that he didn’t see any chicks he liked. It’s possible that he’s not in his groove yet. It’s possible that MTV deleted that footage, like how they weren’t showing hookups during the Miami season.
He’s still the top dog, because he’s the only housemate that speaks Italian. I’m looking forward to Vinny becoming productive sometime within the next two episodes.
Jenni’s another one that’s mostly good for the “Watch the girls get dressed” scenes, but she actually has a relationship with the guys, so she has interesting storylines.
When Deena kisses Pauly and later on, Pauly’s dancing with some chick, Deena goes over to tug on his shirt and try to talk to him. Jenni arrives to save Pauly from getting cockblocked and to save Deena from looking like an ass.
Do. Not. Interrupt. Dudes. When. They’re. Trying. To. Get. On.
Probably what happened was that the gal Pauly was dancing with asked him “Who was that?” and he replied “I don’t know.. She was begging for change.”
Jenni also receives the information from Ronnie that he’s going to fly one of his girlfriends to Italy to come see him. This puts Jenni in the situation, AGAIN, of having information that she has to decide whether she’s going to give to Sammi or not.
The difference is that Sammi and Ronnie are “broken up” now, so it’s actually none of Sammi’s business who Ronnie brings to the house, except Jenni still knows that Sammi’s going to feel hurt if she doesn’t get this information ahead of time.
Fortunately, Jenni’s pressure is relieved when The SNITCHuation blabs to Sammi that Ronnie said he’s going to bring girls to the house (which begins Sammi’s meltdown into finally trying to bed Ronnie before he can get laid by some other chick).
Other than that, Jenni should be mostly eye-candy this season, as she doesn’t currently have any intentions on cheating on her boyfriend.
Ronnie’s in the best position as far as hooking up with chicks, but I suspect he’s going to fumble, as usual.
He already has Sammi in pocket. She’s going to be sweating him regardless of what he does. She can claim to be broken up with him all she wants, but if ALL SHE WANTS is to hook up with him and tell him she misses him and loves him, she’s finished. She needs to just let it be what it is and hook up with Ronnie whenever he’s willing to have her and mind her own business when he’s hooking up with other chicks.
She has ZERO leverage.. There aren’t going to be any relationship negotiations this season.. At least there SHOULDN’T BE, but I’ve already learned not to expect the best from Ronnie.
Meanwhile, he has at least one main homegirl that he’s going to fly to Italy to come visit him. Also, with his wacky “dancing” style, he should be able to attract the attention of Italian ladies that believe Americans actually dance like that, so hopefully, he’ll have some success in the clubs there as well.
Having said that.. If he strikes out a couple of times, he’s going to revert to the easy lay, Sammi.
Deena is the wildcard, like I’ve been saying since she arrived on the show.
She enjoys drinking until she incapacitates herself and she falls down on a regular basis, for no reason at all. It’s like she drinks so much alcohol that her actual equilibrium is off and it’s tough for her to stand up straight, especially when she tries to walk.
Meanwhile, her speech gets amazingly slurred, and she throws herself at every guy that she can’t really see because I imagine her vision is blurred as well.
This classy behavior makes Deena a very interesting character.. BY FAR the most interesting and potentially productive female character on the cast.. but also makes her someone that none of the guys want to have sex with.
It’s strange to say, but I can’t see Pauly getting drunk enough to **** Deena.
This opens the storyline for Vinny, because he was down to hit it from day 01, when he was in the hot tub with Deena and Nicole, but because Nicole caught an attitude, he elected not to do it.
Hopefully, Vinny and Deena are going to hook up and start acting like grown-ass men and women instead of playing these high school “I don’t want you to **** my homegirl” games.
Deena also got caught talking yang behind Mike’s back. She told the group when he wasn’t there that Mike tried to cuddle with her and she wasn’t with it. When Pauly told Mike what she said, Deena tried unsuccessfully to deny it.
That led to Mike lying and saying he didn’t try to cuddle with Deena, when he did, and it’s on videotape. It also led to Deena becoming upset at Pauly, which may have been part of Pauly’s plan to begin with.
Nicole is insanely predictable. She’s been trying to sell that ass since the first episode of the first season, when she hopped in the hot tub with all four of the male housemates and started kissing them.
Meanwhile, nobody’s wanted it.
This season, she actually has a boyfriend.. whatever that’s supposed to mean to her.
Part of the problem, however, is that Mike Snitchuation already told the fellaz he hooked up with Nicole *WHILE* she was already with this “boyfriend” guy.
The other part of the problem is that she gets on the phone with this guy, and he wants to ask her how come she didn’t call him all day.
Sometimes, fellows… You don’t want the answer to that question, so you shouldn’t bother asking it. o_O
If the answer was that Mike just finished hitting it and she was able to get to the phone, he’s not going to like it.
If the answer was that she keeps meeting fascinating Italian men and didn’t have time to call him, he’s not going to like it.
So.. If your so-called “girlfriend” calls you while she’s on vacation, answer the phone and talk about pleasant things. DO *NOT* act creepy and jealous and stalkerish and give her even more reason to feel like giving it up to the next man.
Another interesting/weird storyline is that Nicole isn’t denying hooking up with Mike, but she told the group that Mike had been pressing up on her at the club (which was true, and it’s on videotape) and touching her and trying to kiss her, as if she didn’t expect that.
According to what Mike said, Nicole gave it up during the time that she was already with her current “boyfriend”, so why should he believe she’s going to act any differently now? o_O
It may be another case of creative editing by MTV to craft storylines, but I can’t get a grasp on what the relationship between the two of them actually is.
In general, it seems like Mike’s experiencing “I hit it before, I can hit it again”, and Nicole’s experiencing “We hooked up one time, and that’s in the past, we’re ‘just friends’ now.”
Anyway.. It’s looking like dude on the phone is going to alienate himself by trying to control a female that’s currently in another country, which is going to lead to Nicole drinking, getting horny, not being able to bag an Italian local and giving it up to Mike, again.
Strangely enough, Mike The SNITCHuation has returned to storyline prominence this season.
They had chumped him off all last season, and he really wasn’t very effective, coming down from being the leader of the pack in season 01.
Already this season, he’s snitched on Ronnie and catalyzed Sammi to try to get Ronnie back before he starts bringing girls to the house. Already, he’s snitched on Nicole, to the fellaz, telling them that he hooked up with her while she was with her current boyfriend. Already, he’s been the first housemate to bring a chick home from the club, “get it in” and kick her the **** out in the middle of the night/morning.
At first, this seemed to contradict what I’ve been saying, about it being tough for these guys to get raps in Italy, because a) nobody’s checking for their subculture style outside of Seaside Heights, New Jersey, USA, and b) none of them, other than Vinny, speak Italian at all.
So, Mike meets this chick at the club, and at first, I’m like “oh.. ok.. He got on. Don’t know how that happened, but this is a good sign for..” and then Mike says “She’s actually an American girl from Florida”. :/
So, that makes sense, that someone else that probably can’t speak Italian is going to cozy up to people that she hears speaking English, and also that “Jersey Shore” has been on national television for the last couple of years, so she PROOOOBABLY knows who Mike is, what he’s trying to do, and that she can get on television by going home with him.
Needless to say.. no credit for that, compared to actually pulling a local Italian female that has no idea (other than the television cameras that are facing you at all times) who you are.
Interestingly enough.. When Mike’s talking to this chick, Nicole starts cockblocking him AND the Florida chick by calling Mike over to tell him “She’s really ugly”.
- First of all, whether a chick is ugly or not is my call, not yours.
- Second, whether I’m still going to hit it or not is my call, not yours.
- Third, mind your ******* business.
- Fourth, if you’re going to go around telling the housemates that you didn’t like it when I was trying to touch you and kiss you, BUTT THE **** OUT when you see me kickin’ it with another chick.
- Fifth, she could say the exact same thing about you, and probably did.
- Sixth, if I already hit it and you’re claiming that you have a boyfriend now and we’re supposedly “just” friends, Don’t Hate.. Appreciate.
On top of all that, if you’ve been watching the show, you’ll know that not only doesn’t *ANYONE* expect Mike to pull attractive women, but that’s been the major snap on him for as long as I can remember.. That he’ll bring “ANYTHING” home from the club.
This isn’t news. It shouldn’t be lost on Nicole that if Mike has the opportunity to get it in, he’s going to try to do that, regardless of his (or anyone else’s) opinion of how her grill looks. So that means she was just finding anything to cockblock about, perhaps because she caught feelin’s after messing with Mike behind her boyfriend’s back… o_O
So Mike brings the chick back to the house, and Nicole says to Vinny “She’s so ugly.. Do you think I’m prettier than her?”
o. m. g… MIND. YOUR. *******. BUSINESS!!! 😀 .. What’s so tough about keeping your mouth shut while a dude tries to get some?
On top of that, what’s Vinny supposed to say?.. Is he supposed to tell her the truth that the chick Mike brought home could get guys way faster than Nicole can, pretty much any day of the week, in just about any society on the planet?
No. He’s going to say Nicole is more attractive, whether that’s true or not. Why bother fishing for compliments? Mind. Your. Business.
To add insult to injury.. When Mike’s kicking her out, Nicole shouts “Toodles, Whore! :D”
You know… I think this is the *REAL* double standard about dating! 😀 This behavior persists because nobody wants to tell these chicks the truth. Everybody wants to let them believe that if they hook up with a guy, they were acting from their own free will, and if the next woman hooks up with a guy, she’s a slut or a whore.
Sorry, Ladies.. It doesn’t work like that. You have to choose one or the other. If you’re doing the exact same things, either NONE OF YOU are whores or ALL OF YOU are whores, INCLUDING YOU! 😀
Anyway, the point is that that type of behavior isn’t helping Mike get laid in the future, so keep it to yourself. Don’t claim to be someone’s friend and they try to cockblock him. ESPECIALLY if *YOU’RE* not trying to give him some, then keep your opinions about the quality of his women to yourself.
Towards the end of the episode, Mike strikes out at the club, again, so he calls up this one American chick he knows in Italy and invites her over, which she agrees to.. Mission Accomplished.
That’s all well & good, but reruns work against your playboy image.
So, my current prediction for Mike is that he’s going to keep hooking up with this one chick until she has to return to Florida. I think he’s also going to bag Nicole sooner or later, because her relationship to her so-called “boyfriend” is unsustainable. She tends to freak out when she has bad encounters with boyfriends on the phone, leading to drinking, leading to horniness, leading to her throwing sex at any guy that she figures (usually incorrectly) might take it.
So, let’s see where that leaves our housemates:
Pauly – Screwed Jenni season 01, while she was with her boyfriend.
Angelina (kicked off the show, twice) – Screwed Pauly, Mike & Vinny.
Vinny – Screwed Nicole and her best friend, Ryder.. Wanted Deena but refrained.
Mike – Screwed Nicole between seasons, before coming to Italy.
Ronnie – Screwed Sammi ad infinitum after making out with other chicks at the club.
Sammi => Ronnie
Jenni => Pauly
Nicole => Vinny, Mike
Deena – Screwed a guy that LOOKS like Ronnie, and has unsuccessfully thrown sex at Mike, Vinny and Pauly.
Connect with Bill on Google+ | Facebook | Twitter | Email Subscription | RSS Feed