Continued from “Jersey Shore” Italy: Twinning [Part 01 of 02]


As the sole Italian-speaker in the house, I was expecting more production from Vinny. He’s been striking out like a pitcher without a pinch-hitter ever since this season began (according to the edit).

I have to get ahead of the story to say that his only relevant storylines this week had to do with Deena.

Deena got this Italian guy she had met at a restaurant to come home with her after partying at the club.

Instead of taking him to the designated room where the housemates are supposed to take their guests to have sex with them, she decides to start making out with the dude on her bed, which is in the room she shares with Pauly and Vinny.

Vinny starts rightfully complaining that she should take the dude to the sex room, and instead of doing that, Deena leaves her guest in the bedroom to come argue with Vinny.

In another situation, Deena brings this chick home that she had been making out with at the club, and when she leaves the room to get something to eat, the chick climbs in bed with Vinny and starts kissing him or whatever they were doing under the covers.

When Deena returns, not only does she pull the covers off of the chick and Vinny, but she retrieves the chick to get back in bed with her. This was one of the strangest things I’ve ever seen on Jersey Shore. 😀


As I’ve been saying since the first episode where they introduced Deena as the new housemate, she’s the wildcard. If Deena’s around, anything’s possible. She drinks until she can’t stand up, walk or dance without bussin’ her ass and falling on her face. She comes on to anything that appears to be human, or at least moving. It’s just really, honestly, anything goes. 😀

She pressed up on Pauly, and even though he let her kiss him in the club, he’s avoided her like the actual plague for the rest of the season, so far.

Last season, she threw it at Mike, and he didn’t want it.

She bags an Italian waiter from a restaurant, gets him to come to a club with her, makes out with him at the club, and then on the way home in the cab, she asks him what the Italian word for “easy” is, so she can tell him that she’s not an easy girl. She says this line every time she’s about to give it up to a guy. It’s ridiculous.

This is what I mean about how people pretend to believe what women say, such as “I’m not easy” and “I’m not going to have sex with you tonight”, and then, the next morning, when they say “I didn’t have sex with him last night”. Nobody believes you. It’s just more of a hassle and leads to way longer and unnecessary conversations if we don’t play along, so we do.

So she gets in the argument with Vinny about messing with the guy in their bedroom instead of the sex room. She says something like “I’m not going to **** him, I’m just going to kiss him and cuddle with him” (“cuddle” being a typical female excuse to explain what she was doing under the covers with a guy, in order to support the next morning’s lies), which causes [I believe] Pauly to say “So stop wasting his time, then!”

This is one of the problems that you run into when women usually lie to you about what they’re doing, what they’re about to do, or what they did in the past. You get into conversations that don’t make sense.

If she’s going to have sex with him, she should take him to the sex room. If she’s *NOT* going to have sex with him, she should take him somewhere other than the bedroom she shares with Pauly & Vinny. Either way, she’s violating by having this dude in their room.

If Pauly or Vinny go “oh PLEASE, Deena, we know you’re going to give him some”, it’s gonna be a big argument. If they pretend to believe that she invited this dude out, made out with him at the club, rubbed her ass all over tha dilznick like she loves to do, and then brought him home in the cab so she could “cuddle”, they look stupid, while simultaneously acting as enablers, supporting her lying-ass lifestyle, and encouraging her to continue her normal Modus Operandi.

The next time they hit the club, Mike Snitchuation is about to bag a set of twins when drunk-ass Deena steps to one of the girls, pulls her away from Mike and starts making out with her. \o/ This is the chick that Deena ends up bringing home, leaving in the room with Vinny and then retrieving from under Vinny’s covers when she returns to the room.

While it’s clear that Deena is omnisexual, MTV bothered to show confessionals where she claims she’s not a lesbian. I find it funny/ridiculous how people in the year 2011 still attempt to define themselves verbally instead of by their actual actions.

Call it whatever you want.. If you’re a chick that likes to make out with chicks, you’re a chick that likes to make out with chicks. It’s all on videotape. You can’t explain and define your way out of it.

Anyway.. Deena ends up giving the chick back to Vinny, eventually. So weird. Anyway.. That particular pass-her-around chick was one of the twins that was originally supposed to come home with Mike.


The reason this episode was called “Twinning” is that it’s a combination between Twins and Winning. You’re Winning because you pulled a chick for the evening, and you’re Twinning because you pulled more than one of them that happen to both be related and born at the same time from the same woman.

This is what was supposed to happen for Mike at the beginning of the episode. He had twins lined up. To be more accurate, and not hand out more props than he’s due.. Mike doesn’t speak Italian. He’s been striking out with Italian chicks as much as Vinny, Pauly & Ronnie have, so as soon as this American gal stepped to him in the club, and agreed to go home with him, I predicted last week that he’s going to keep screwing this same chick until the wheels fall off.

She’s pretty much become Mike’s Ronnie-Sammi relationship, as far as go-to, guaranteed sex.

It just so happens that, as Mike calls her “The most DTF girl I’ve ever met” has a twin sister! >:D

To sweeten the pot, her twin sister claims to be a virgin, which nobody believes, including Nicole, who ends up later in the episode wanting people to believe that she never hooked up with Mike, when a) Nicole drinks like a fish, to the point of finding herself face down in the sand at the beach and screaming “GET THE **** OFFA ME! :O” at the UNIFORMED POLICE that are physically escorting her from the boardwalk to their squad car, b) She’s normally horny and has thrown sex at Vinny (who took it) and countless dudes that are on par with or below Mike’s level of ability to pull chicks (who mostly DIDN’T take it), which indicates that there’s no particular reason why she WOULDN’T have sexed Mike, and c) even though Mike’s a treacherous, gossipy SNITCH, he’s already had several years to make up lies about tappin’ Nicole, so why would he bother to start lying now? o_O

Anyway.. While they’re at the club, this so-called virgin twin chick says that she’s “watched” while her sister hooked up with guys. Sure. Watched. So, Mike’s on his way to bagging both of these chicks and achieving something MTV-worthy for once = Twinning.

So the episode starts out with Mike in the club with is usual American lay and her sister, telling them “I guarantee that I’ll bring you and your sister home”. Mike explains this as his backup plan. This is a smart move. He already has chicks on deck, in case he strikes out with Italian women he can’t speak to because he doesn’t know their language.

He ends up inviting a couple of different chicks to leave with him, but somehow loses them between being inside the club and getting to the door of the cab. This means he needs to use the one telephone they keep giving the Jersey Shore housemates to make his bootie call to the twins. Nicole happened to be on the phone talking to her father, so when she hangs up, Mike’s saying stuff like the only reason he’s calling other girls is because she has a boyfriend now, and he’d rather be with Nicole, blah blah blah and there’s no reaction from Nicole like “What are you talking about?” or “Stop being stupid! You know we’re not going to hook up”. She seems to know exactly why he’s saying that, and she’s not acting AT ALL like a chick that’s never hooked up with him.

So, Mike ends up leaving a message, and the girls don’t get back to him before he goes to sleep. They call incessantly in the morning, leading to Ronnie and Pauly pranking Mike by pretending to be him and inviting the twins over “an hour from now”. The girls happily come to the house and ring the buzzer until Deena intelligently buzzes the door open without asking a) who it is, or b) who they’re there to see. They come on upstairs and go right to Mike’s bedroom, where he’s clearly shocked and amazed to see them. I got quite a few laughs out of his reaction and rewound that part several times. >:D

Vinny sums up what makes that prank so good by saying “Mike never takes girls out on dates, especially in the daytime”.

If you’re new to Jersey Shore, women’s functionality only exists between 1am and 6am.. They’re something to do in between leaving the club and going to sleep that night.

Mike’s MO is to suggest a cab / car service for the chick-du-jour right after he gets some. The daytime is for important things, like hanging out with people he knows and likes.

Watching the guys shuttle females in and out of the house in the wee hours of the morning is what gives the female housemates the impetus to brazenly call these chicks “whores”, even though the female housemates serve the exact same purpose for other guys.

So, this is a great prank, because now, Mike has two decisions. He can either kick them out, like he wants to, and then his go-to-***** won’t be available to him for the rest of his vacation, or he can spend time with them even though he doesn’t want to and try to bag the twinning threesome.

This is where Mike’s glaring lack of game becomes obvious.

Your boys played a trick on you, which culminated in your achieving DTF Twins for free, with no work done by yourself, early in the morning, inside your own house, where you have stockpiled alcoholic beverages… You literally have ALL. DAY. to **** these chicks, and what do you want to do? o_O .. Take them OUT OF YOUR HOUSE to some public location so y’all can eat breakfast?… Suspicious.

No game, whatsoever.

Maybe I missed that chapter in The Player’s Handbook where it says you can only have sex with chicks in the middle of the night, after the club, and while you’re still drunk.

The time of day doesn’t activate or deactivate a female’s functional usefulness.

I find it similarly interesting that given their druthers, not one of the male Jersey Shore housemates would hang out with females on purpose, unless they’ve been targeted for sex.

If MTV hadn’t cast any female housemates, there would be no women on the show at all, except for the scenes where the characters are working at a public establishment, or when they’re at the club, or when their managers/agents allow MTV to air footage of the guys hooking up with chicks and kicking them out ASAP.

This is one of the reasons why Sammi got busted so easily last season in the “Girls Don’t Have Friends That Are Guys” episode… When dudes know that other dudes only spend time with females they’re trying to screw, it’s really tough for her to try to explain their relationship away as being “Just Friends”.

According to the edit, Mike doesn’t hook up with the chicks after breakfast. Next thing you know, the housemates are at the club, and the guys are dancing in a group of guys, like they enjoy doing for some odd reason. As usual, there are no chicks around them at all, other than the housemate females… All of a sudden, the twins arrive, and Mike gets this surprised look on his face, like “Who let females in this club? :O”. When he points the chicks out to Ronnie and Pauly, they have the exact same reaction.

What’s going on here? o_O How come, in the confessionals, Mike’s talking all this bullshit about The Snitchuation does this and that with females, and every time they show up, he acts like he wishes he would have never met them?

They proceed to label these chicks stalkers, yet, MIKE is the one that keeps telling them he’s going to take them home with him. MIKE is the one that keeps ******* the same sister ad infinitum, because he can’t pull any girls in Italy, because he couldn’t pull any girls in Miami either, so why would anyone suspect he can get on overseas? MIKE is the one agreeing to go to breakfast with twins instead of hooking up with them. Why in the world should they *NOT* feel like finding him and coming to party?

On top of that, they get to be on television. On top of that, MTV has a budget for alcohol, so they’re probably drinking for free. Sorry.. You can’t call chicks stalkers that you never told to go the **** away.

So.. Since they arrived at the proper time for female usefulness, the witching hours between being at the club and falling asleep, Mike decides he’s going to hook up a threesome with this chick he’s been incessantly screwing and her supposedly-virginal sister.

Too bad for him, horny-ass Deena was there to make sure she got her professional-grade cockblock on.

Basically, Deena walks up while Mike is holding onto BOTH SISTERS, grabs the supposed virgin and pulls her away from Mike, so she can go dance with her, compliment her, and start making out with her.

Virgin-Sister was way more into kissing Deena than Pauly was, so she ended up getting into the cab with Deena, messing with her when they got home, messing with Vinny, getting pulled away from Vinny by Deena, and then finally returned to Vinny to finish up her night… Rather virginal behavior, actually.

Of course, Mike was upset about losing his threesome, but not upset enough to **** the sister he had left. Instead, he told her to wait for him in his bed and he went to find Nicole and have a leisurely sit-down chat with her about how he’s disappointed that Deena selfishly cockblocked his threesome.

Unfortunately.. This was when Ronnie ratted him out to Jenni, who told Nicole, who flipped on Mike… Of course, this caused Mike to tell Ronnie he was disappointed in him for not keeping a “secret” that was going to be found out anyway because Mike said it while being videotaped for the show.

Eventually, Mike retired to the sex room with his regular girl he’s been hooking up with, while her supposedly-virginal twin was in bed with Vinny, where she had been deposited when Deena was finished with her.

Unfortunately, MTV edited out parts of Deena “committing the robbery” on Mike (stealing a girl from him). I would love to know how in the hell he let that happen. Take Deena to the side when she tries to CB you and tell her to mind her own business and get her own girl(s) for the night.

I can understand why Vinny let Deena retrieve the chick from under his covers, because he didn’t put in any work to get her back to the house, so Mike’s girl’s sister was basically a free gift, because Deena didn’t stay on point.

According to the coming attractions, the housemates are going to sit down and discuss Deena’s reckless drunken cockblocking next episode, so I’ll be looking forward to that. Connect with Bill on Google+ | Facebook | Twitter | Email Subscription | RSS Feed

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