They aired two episodes of Jersey Shore this week, so there’s a lot to cover today.
Virgins Are Useful
We ended last episode with the Jersey Shore housemates bagging a couple of chicks… To be specific.. The one chick that Mike’s been able to pull since he’s been in Italy, this American chick (of all people to meet in Italy), just so happens to have a twin sister. Mike had had plans of hooking up with the both of them until Deena pulled the robbery on him and started making out with the extra twin.
Before this happened, the extra twin had announced that she’s a virgin, which we all know means absolutely nothing, because nobody’s going to take your word for something like that. We just go “yeah, yeah, yeah” and then see what happens when we get back to the crib.
Of course, when they get this so-called virgin to the house, she ends up making out with Deena until Deena has to go to the bathroom and then the “virgin” hops in bed with Vinny and is concealed under his covers doing something until Deena comes and retrieves her, for what she, of course, lies and says is nothing, even though Vinny reports later in the episode that Deena had been moaning all night and passed the chick back after she got hers, so the “virgin” could spend the rest of the night hooking up with Vinny.
The bottom line being that virgins are useful. Don’t be disappointed, fellows, if a chick says she’s not DTF. It really doesn’t matter. She’ll figure out some way to get you off.
Mind Your Own Business
Next, Mike was kicking his twin out, so she goes to the room where Virgin Twin is still shacked up with Vinny and announces that she’s leaving, as if anybody asked her. VT tells her to step, and she leaves…. Of course, right after that, Mike does the exact same thing, telling her that her sister went home.
Mind your own business, dude. How do you know Vinny’s finished with her? o_O Shut up and go away. We know Deena’s finished with her because she only likes to make out with chicks when she’s drunk. Let Vinny get his morning SWERVE ON before ejecting the chick. Stay out of it.
In Mike’s defense, he wasn’t aware yet that VT had served both Deena and Vinny the night before, but it still wasn’t his place to potentially ruin Vinny’s morning action.
Next, the fellaz go to hang out, where Mike recounts the same situation that Nicole had brought up last episode, except in her version, Mike pressed up on her, she didn’t go for it and Mike stormed off upset. In Mike’s version, Nicole was horny, so she blew him.
This would be a typical he-said, she-said situation where the guy claims he got on and the chick claims he didn’t, except for the fact that we’ve seen Nicole get drunk and throw sex at guys the entire time she’s been on the show, which is, what?.. two full years now?, so there’s no way she’s getting the benefit of the doubt on this one.
The funny thing about both of their accounts is that they BOTH put Ryder’s business in the streets by saying that Mike’s boy was ******* her at the time. That’s the only thing the two of them agree on. 😀
Table Full Of Liars
Next, the girls all go out to eat together. Nicole holds the line that she never blew Mike. After that, Deena cops out to making out with the virginal twin, but swears up and down that nothing else happened. This is the same thing she said about Dean last season, when Sammi saw her escorting him out of the house in the morning and informed Deena that he has a girlfriend.
Nobody believes this stuff, ladies. Let me just tell you now. You’re not slick.
You’re especially not slick when you stole a girl from your homeboy that was in the process of doing him, and you “were hooking up all night and got off and then sent the girl back to his bed”, according to Vinny’s eyewitness account.
These “I didn’t do anything” lies only work when nobody else is there. It doesn’t work for Deena because Vinny saw and heard the whole thing. It does work for Nicole because neither of the other two people involved have a voice in the show.. although her credibility is zero, so she loses anyway.
What’s worse is that in this case, all of this is happening on videotape. Even if the situation itself wasn’t recorded, your explanations of the situation are being recorded, and whomever you’re in a relationship with is going to have a lot to think about when the shows finally air.
After that, Deena happens to be in a room with Pauly, Vinny and Ronnie and Pauly’s going “Lesbie Honest”, or perhaps “Lesbian-ist”, and her reply is “About what?”, with the joke flying right over her head while Ronnie and Vinny are practically crying laughing.
Next, Nicole calls her boyfriend and informs him that Mike told everybody she gave him some. He asks her if she has anything to hide, to which she replies “no”, as if anybody in that situation ever replies “yes”.
At the Sunday Dinner, Mike sets it off by telling Deena that he heard she had been moaning all night (referencing twin virgin). Deena lies and says “She didn’t **** my ******. She went to, and then I decided I didn’t want to do that.”
Too bad for Deena, she had already been videotaped at lunch with the girls agreeing that Vinny got her “sloppy seconds”. The stupidity and hypocrisy is just rampant. This is why y’all are never believed. You know there was an eyewitness about 10 feet away from where you were hooking up with the chick that saw and heard every single second of it because he was still awake when you returned the chick to his bed, which is where you retrieved her from in the first place. When are you going to give up the ghost? 😀
This is how Sammi got caught lying last season, during the “Girls Don’t Have Friends That Are Guys” situation.
The more you lie when you’re already caught, the more you erode your credibility and then nothing you say ever again will hold water against the flimsiest accusation by someone else. You don’t get extra points for truth-telling because you’re in a relationship with someone. In fact, it works the other way. If you’re in a relationship and insist on lying instead of fessing up when you get caught, you’re going to run out of luck someday…
Guilty As Charged
Anyway.. This conversation jumps off where Deena swears up and down that she didn’t cockblock Vinny. This is another “give up the ghost” situation. You did it. Vinny knows you did it. Everybody else agrees that you did it. You were BRAGGING ABOUT IT at lunch, talking **** about “sloppy seconds”. It was all very funny to you until you got labeled a cockblocker due to your ACTION of obvious and unambiguous cockblocking.
And then, your rebuttal is to ask Mike “Who are you to judge?”… um… DUH!!!… How about Mike is the guy who pulled the original girl in the first place and screwed her a couple of times, causing her to bring her so-called virgin twin sister into the mix who Mike had every intention of getting what both YOU and VINNY ended up getting from her because YOU cockblocked MIKE and started making out with the extra twin, so what the **** are you talking about, “who is he to judge?” o_O
Your honor.. I was in my house, and I saw the defendant unplug a lamp and leave my house with it without my permission.
Cross-examination: “Who are you to judge?”
Then, your next statement is “I’m not a cockblocker. I gave her back, after.”
You see how stupid you look? I didn’t do it. I did it. I didn’t hook up with her. He hooked up with her after I did. I didn’t steal her because I gave her back when I was finished. WHAT??? o_O
Right after that was a female commiseration segment where they all decided to make Deena feel better, instead of focusing on the facts. Even Jenni, who’s the most rational of the chicks on the show, did air-quotes when she said “cockblocking”, as if she wasn’t sure that that’s what Deena did because that’s what Deena did.
Here’s a tip, ladies… If a guy’s about to bag a chick and you cause that not to happen or you cause it to happen more slowly than it otherwise would have, you are GUILTY of cockblocking. Period.
That’s not in your job description. If dudes put you down as part of the crew, like *ACTUALLY* part of the crew, as if you were one of the fellaz, your job, like everybody else’s job is to FACILITATE and EXPEDITE the rest of the guys getting some. As long as you’re playing your position, you will continue to receive team perks. If you go the other route, you’ll be excommunicated, as it will be easier for the guys to get laid if you’re not there.
Make yourself useful or inconsequential. Either one works. Being a hindrance to the action will get you booted from the crew quick fast in a hurry, Flava’z vision ain’t blurry.
Drunk Doesn’t Count
Another point I’d like to make here, which I made three years ago, in 2008, is that alcohol is no excuse for behavior.
If you do something when you’re drunk, you will have to carry that burden when you’re sober. It’s not like some other person appears and your liability goes away when you become sober again.
People will TELL YOU that’s how it works, but they’re lying. Everybody remembers what you did when you were drunk. Everybody expects the exact same thing to happen next time you’re drunk. If you drink a lot, people might in fact consider your drunk persona to be the main one and your sober the secondary.
This is especially true if you drink A LOT, or at least if you drink every time you go out to party. People get used to sober-you and they get used to drunk-you, and regardless of what the Politically Correct people say about not “judging” others, it stays on your record.
A typical situation is people that “only smoke when they drink”. That doesn’t make you “not a smoker”, as some people will claim. That makes you a CONDITIONAL SMOKER = a smoker, not a non-smoker.
People like this are better off surrounding themselves with people that are going to tell them the truth about what they did last night. People that help you explain your actions away are only setting you up for the big fall when you lie to someone and they tell you to your face that they don’t believe you, because they saw you do something with their own eyes.
So, while the girls are busy consoling Deena, who now feels bad because the boys have changed their relationship to her for apparently no good reason.. the guys are talking about how a) she thinks she’s not wrong, and b) she didn’t even apologize.
Pauly & Vinny decide to play a prank on her and move her bed out of their room.
This makes perfect sense, because by not admitting what she did and not apologizing for it, Deena appeared to be on the offensive against the guys, like “Yeah, I took your chick, so what?”
In fact, Deena was just fronting and knew damned well she had done wrong, but didn’t feel like admitting it for some odd reason, so when she saw her bed out in the living room, she had ANOTHER nervous breakdown.
This could all have been avoided by being realistic instead of circling the wagons of denial after a night of drinking and chick-stealing.
So then.. When Jenni brings Deena’s bed back into the room, Vinny goes “You’re defending the same girl that does something stupid every night and then cries about it the next day”, to which Jenni replies “What’s wrong with her being human?”
In fact, there’s nothing wrong with her being human. There’s SOMETHING wrong with her not admitting what she did and apologizing for it so rational people can move on with their relationships.
Life doesn’t work like “I do something stupid, I act like nothing happened, people treat me like nothing happened”. No. It goes “You do something stupid, you act like nothing happened, people treat you like you think you can get away with **** and hold it against you until they get you back for what you did to them”.
Interestingly enough, Jenni calls a house meeting where Deena incredibly comes in crying and telling the guys they changed. A slight bit of REASON from Pauly, and all of a sudden, Deena goes “I don’t know what’s going on. I’m not being myself. Like, I would have never done that. That isn’t me. I feel very, like, alone here, and I’m, like, just drinking and then I do stupid **** like I did last night, and I just.. Instead of, like, fixing it, I just keep drinking”.
This is what brought on the end of the entire situation. If she would have come correct from the giddyap, none of this would have happened.
Admit your treacherous cockblockery. Apologize. Inform the people you’ve offended about why you think you did it, AND THEN you can move on. There’s no “moving on” when someone’s like “I stole your girl. Live with it. Get another one next time.”
This is why all that commiseration and enabling backfires on women in the long run (and often in the short run). You’re preaching to the choir. It’s not the women you need to convince of your innocence. They want YOU to tell them that THEY’RE innocent the next time THEY’RE guilty, so they have to hook you up right now so they have that credit in the bank.
It’s the guys that don’t believe you and are going to hold it against you even after they tell you it’s cool or they’re over it or they didn’t notice or they didn’t care. There is no “moving on”, except moving on WHILE adding a negative mark on your record that stays there and makes you look worse and worse the more time goes on where you continue to act like it’s cool that you did what you did.
Ronnie & Sammi
I really don’t feel like speaking on these two anymore, because this is the longest-running dysfunctional relationship I think I’ve ever seen broadcast on national television or anywhere else for that matter.
Let’s just say that some people believe that when they’re in a relationship with someone, they own that person.
So long as the other person pretends to be owned, the relationship works well. As soon as the other person is perceived to be out of bounds and the “owner” starts barking at them, the situation falls apart, because there never was truly any ownership to begin with.
Basically, they both have the same problem. They’re addicted to each other, but they don’t know how to be nice to each other.
I have girls that I’m addicted to and I’ll never stop spending time with them, but I recognize them for what they are and I recognize my addiction to them.
I know they’re not going to change and neither am I, so we have our fun when we have our fun.
Ronnie and Sammi BOTH want to be in a committed relationship. They both want to be in a committed relationship to each other. Sammi isn’t smart enough to stop handing out rules that Ronnie isn’t going to follow. Ronnie isn’t smart enough to tell Sammi he’s never going to follow her rules. Vicious Cycle. Very Annoying.
Anyway.. They get back together, leading to them breaking up again. Once again, they decide they need to “discuss things”, which is when Sammi tells Ronnie that Mike told her that Ronnie was going to invite girls to the house.
The funny thing is that hearing that from Mike is what prompted Sammi to get it in gear and pursue Ronnie hardcore, leading to them getting back together.
What’s NOT funny is that when Ronnie finds out that Mike snitched on him AGAIN, he flips out and wants to fight Mike…
Before that conversation happened, Mike and Pauly had scored a couple of chicks from the club.
They had already shown some other gal at the club telling Vinny “I don’t want to screw you”, so Vinny was home solo, snapping on Ronnie for having broken up with Sammi again, practically immediately after they got back together.
So Mike takes his chick to the sex room and Pauly takes his chick to the room he shares with Vinny and Deena, which he currently has all to himself.
Pauly asks his chick “You coming to bed?” to which she replies “I’m not coming to bed” and some other nonsense, and then he tells her “Ciao”, being that it’s 4am and the only reason he brought her back to the house was to have sex with her.
This is where Mike’s ineptitude in Season 01 backfired on him. At first, Pauly was down to handle grenades for him, meaning loose chicks running aimlessly around the house who invariably end up cockblocking your boy who’s currently trying to put in work… Mike messed that up by being selfish and a deliberately pathetic wingman, so, from then on, Pauly was like “Mike’s on his own.”
So, when the chick flaked on Pauly, he let the grenade loose in the house.
She shows up to the sex room, where Mike’s in the process of undressing his chick and announces that she’s leaving. She tells her girl she can stay if she wants, but Mike’s chick goes “We’re a package deal.”
This was Mike’s cue to hook up a threesome, but since he doesn’t know what he’s doing, he let both chicks get away and ended up calling his usual target (the non-virgin of the twins) and asking her to come see him for an hour or two.
This is convenient at 4am, so Mike goes to chill and wait for the sex to arrive…
Unfortunately, this is when Sammi informs Ronnie that Mike snitched on him about lining up girls to come to the house.
Ronnie decides to kick Mike’s ass, finally, and when he goes to confront him, Mike denies snitching, which is on videotape, and he wasn’t alone with Sammi when he said it.
Ronnie’s reaction is to start throwing all of Mike’s belongings out of their room, like Ronnie had done to Sammi last season. This successfully instigated a fight between the guys, as Mike is irrationally screaming “I DON’T GET INVOLVED IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP”, which is clearly a lie and has been documented on videotape ever since Mike messed with Sammi first and then she bounced and hooked up with Ronnie for the entire time Jersey Shore’s been on the air.
In the second episode, which aired Sunday night before the MTV Video Music Awards, the fight between Ronnie and Mike jumps off.
Unfortunately, while screaming, drooling on the floor and attempting to act like a crazed lunatic, Mike goes to do something against the wall which is unclear to me and ends up knocking himself out by ramming his head into a brick wall.
He wasn’t out cold, like with his eyes closed, but a Mixed Martial Arts referee would have stopped the fight before Ronnie laid a hand on him. Mike was clearly dazed, and Ronnie would have been declared the winner by Technical Knockout (TKO).
After some more instigation by Ronnie, Mike gets up off the floor and screams some more and then they go at it for all of 7 seconds before the bouncers run in and try to separate them. The fight lasted 21 seconds, including the bouncer involvement.
This was actually an impressive amount of time they got to fight, because when Jenni punched Mike in the face with a spinning backfist, security rolled up in exactly 1 second. As soon as she hit him, they came bursting in the hotel room door.
So, Ronnie kicked Mike and punched him a few times, but neither one of them actually did any damage. Mike ends up being taken out on a stretcher from what he did to himself, resulting in a neck brace and doctor’s orders not to go out for a week, or go to the gym, or basically ANYTHING.
This is what I was saying earlier. There *IS* no “moving on” when people don’t apologize for poor or deliberate behavior and when people who feel like they were wronged don’t DEMAND apologies and different behaviors from people. It keeps building up until the wronged party finally goes “Today’s the day I’m going to **** that person up”.
If Ronnie had told Mike from the giddyap “Snitches Get Stitches”, this fight wouldn’t have occurred.
Because he let him keep acting like the nosey neighbor on the porch that can’t mind their own business, it got to the point where he couldn’t take it anymore and this was the result.
Meanwhile, Mike’s going “You did this for no reason!” as if he figured (which he probably did) that he’d be able to snitch on people forever without anything happening to him.
Even if he honestly forgot this particular instance, he knows damned well that he’s meddled in Ronnie & Sammi’s relationships LOTS OF TIMES, including when he went and talked to Sammi, resulting in Sammi punching Ronnie in his face for talking to Jenni.
This is what happens when people pretend that things are cool, when they really aren’t.
Stop snitching on your so-called friends, and stop enabling snitches by not calling them out for their behavior.
Back To The Usual
The rest of the episode was largely uneventful. Ronnie tells Sammi to **** off and then she goes away and then Ronnie chases her to talk and then Sammi tells him to **** off, then he goes away then she chases him…..
Ronnie apologizes to Mike, who keeps saying that a fight could break out between the two of them at any time, as if he doesn’t understand that the reason for that is that he’s a snitch and that if he ever decided to mind his own business, Ronnie wouldn’t feel compelled to try to beat him up before he beats himself up with a brick wall again.
Nicole’s no longer upset with Mike for snitching on her to the entire house and television audience that she blew him (according to Mike, who’s been proven a snitch, but not a liar).
At least Pauly got to have some fun. While he was dancing with some Italian chick at a bar, some Italian guy comes up to him and starts speaking Italian in a menacing fashion. Pauly asks him in English “What does that mean?” and the dude just keeps speaking Italian.
It was honestly the strangest thing I’ve seen in a long time. How are you going to try to be menacing towards someone in a language that YOU KNOW they don’t know? 😀
Then, when Pauly gets (quite literally) in his face and is screaming at the top of his lungs in the guy’s ear, he’s leaning away like he doesn’t want any beef. hehehe What’s the matter with people these days? \o/
oh.. The fellaz tried to hook Ronnie up with a chick, but he declined.
In other words, everything went back to normal.
I’m pretty sure MTV blew their wad with this one. There isn’t much left to the storylines.
- Jenni’s boyfriend is going to come to visit.
- Nicole’s boyfriend is going to come to visit.
- Sammi’s going to interact with Ronnie or have no role whatsoever in the show, as has been the case since about the 2nd episode of the 1st season.
- Deena’s going to keep getting drunk, pulling dudes and explaining to them that she’s not easy.
- Vinny still has a chance to make something happen.
- Pauly still has a chance to make something happen.
- Ronnie’s going to pretend to be single and keep “having discussions” with Sammi about their so-called relationship.
- Mike’s going to keep screwing that one American girl he was able to pull in Italy, which I’m now starting to wonder if she was a plant, because the twin storyline was just too convenient – although, I *DO* have to give him credit that he was about to screw that one Italian chick before Pauly let the grenade loose, which promptly and predictably rolled into the sex room, destroying Mike’s rap.
I predicted, INCORRECTLY, that Season 03 was going to be the last season of Jersey Shore. Season 01 made sense, because they were actually AT the Jersey Shore, where girls are actually interested in their style and behavior. Season 02, they were in Miami, where nobody’s checkin’ for them, so it was pretty much about their relationship to each other, *yawn*. Season 03 was back at Jersey Shore, so I figured they’d end the series on a high note, but then I found out they were going to send them to Italy for season 04, which doesn’t make any sense, because several of them aren’t Italian to begin with and NONE OF THEM SPEAK ITALIAN AT ALL.
I’m pretty sure it’s about merchandising at this point.
They’re selling Jersey Shore pens.. Jersey Shore bobbleheads….
Business-wise, it makes sense to keep running a series as long as the ROI is proper, right? 😀
I suppose Jersey Shore is transforming from a “reality” show into a sitcom.
You remember sitcoms, right? “Situation Comedies”? Those shows that were 95% about the interactions (situations) between the main cast members every week?
Crank up the laugh tracks and hire some writers! 😀
They already have writers for “reality” shows, to craft the storylines and character development by selecting which situations to show and which footage to leave on the cutting room floor, but not to actually script punchlines for the cast members.
If it goes past Season 05, I’ll be amazed, AGAIN. The reason that “The Real World” and other MTV shows have lasted so long is because they switch the cast every 6 months (filming two seasons per year, which is why they can only film every other season of JS at the Jersey Shore, because nobody’s there in the winter).
Obviously, there’s no depth of field in the subculture being depicted. You can’t get another set of people that will give you the Ronnie, Jenni, Pauly, Angelina, Vinny, Nicole, Mike, Deena, Sammi experience. When they got rid of Angelina, she was replaced with a friend of Nicole’s. The only other recurring characters were family members and people currently screwing cast members during the time of filming.