“Jersey Shore” Italy: Walk Like A Duck

Jersey Shore” was complete garbage this week.

As I predicted, when I found out that MTV was sending a bunch of non-Itaian-speaking people to Italy for no reason other than their chosen social subculture has been stereotypically attributed to Italian-AMERICANS (having nothing at all to do with Italians in Italy), they can’t socialize with anyone but themselves, so the shows are entirely about the boring, redundant interactions between the housemates.

Storyline

The entire episode was about the girls hanging out together.. “The Girls” being Jenni, Sammi, Deena, Nicole, and Ronnie.

The guys (Vinny, Pauly, and Mike) were complete non-factors this week. Mike got one kiss from one chick in a club, and seemed to be getting her number, but MTV elected not to tell us anything that happened with that storyline, which is probably nothing, because dude doesn’t have any skillz.

THE. ENTIRE. REST. OF. THE. SHOW. was about Deena The Ominsexual getting drunk (as usual), falling down (as usual), and making out incessantly with Nicole, who’s another omnisexual horn-dog who’s been throwing sex at anybody and anything ever since the first episode of the first season when she climbed in the hot tub with all four of her male housemates that she had just met and kissed all of them.

I couldn’t find that particular clip on YouTube, but this one will do:


YouTube Link => http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kzmrYnYbqM0

This is a clip from Season 01, where Mike & Nicole are messing around in the hot tub. She mentions towards the end of the clip “I did the same thing that I did the first night! :D”, which alludes to the situation I mentioned above.

Double Standards

The value of this week’s Jersey Shore was that the entire country got to see behavior that I see all the time in the trenches. There’s a lot of drinking, a lot of lying, and a lot of revisionist history that takes place on a weekly basis, if not a daily basis, depending on how often you interact with people on the dating scene.

Historical Revisionism is either the legitimate scholastic re-examination of existing knowledge about a historical event, or the illegitimate distortion of the historical record such that certain events appear in a more or less favourable light.

Revisionist History generally works in opposite directions with males and females, because of the double-standard.

If you’re not familiar with the American (and potentially worldwide) double-standard, it’s basically that women that have sex can be branded whores, sluts or hoes for doing the exact same sexual acts that make guys “THE MAN” and get us accolades and free beers from our fans and peers.

So.. If a guy and gal hook up, what’s likely to happen if they both have to give a report the next day, the guy’s going to say that MORE SEX occurred than actually did, and the gal is going to say that LESS SEX occurred than actually did.

This is typical, so you adjust accordingly… Whatever a guy says he did to a chick, you tone it down a notch or two, and whatever a gal says she did with a guy, you amp it up a notch or two.

Basically, if she says nothing happened, that means she kissed him. If she says she kissed him, that means he felt her up. If she says he felt her up, she actually blew him… you get the picture.

This is what we got a beautiful portrait of, thanks to Nicole & Deena getting drunk together and hooking up for approximately 26% of the entire show.

I mean… the portrait itself was RAUNCHY, but I’m saying that it was a beautiful illustration of a raunchy situation. 😀

Omnisexuals

If you’ve been reading along, you know that The Kid doesn’t pay attention to labels, because they don’t mean anything.

For instance.. If a chick says she has a boyfriend, that doesn’t mean she’s not going to hook up with you tonight. It’s completely meaningless what she says or how she attempts to classify herself, because she’s a grown-ass woman with free will, who’s going to do whatever she feels like doing whenever she feels like doing it, so if she feels like giving you some today and going home to her boyfriend tonight, that’s what’s going to happen.

Unfortunately.. Most drones.. I mean, people, think that there are several concrete classifications, and EVEN WORSE, think that they can TELL YOU what group they belong to and that that means something to you or even to themselves.

We saw this a couple of episodes ago, when Deena was blatantly cockblocking Mike and Vinny by grabbing the “Virgin Twin”, making out with her at the club and bringing her home to hop in bed with her.

Deena keeps protesting: “I’m not a lesbian!”

ok… Fine… You’re “not a lesbian” who likes to dance with girls, make out with girls, and hook up with girls under the covers in your bed while Vinny’s right there to hear the whole thing and report to Ronnie in the morning that you were moaning all night before you ejected Virgin Twin to polish Vinny off before he went to sleep that night.

So.. How does that help you to declare yourself “not a lesbian”? o_O

It doesn’t.

You walk like a duck, talk like a duck, make out and **** like a duck, but you think that by telling people “I’m not a duck”, it means something.

It doesn’t mean anything at all.

This is the problem with labels. Nobody cares which team you claim you’re playing for. What matters is what you’re likely to do in a given situation.. Especially in an often-repeated situation like your being fall-down drunk and feeling like having sex with somebody… with ANYBODY that you find attractive at that point in time.

Deena is correct that she’s not a lesbian. She’s an omnisexual.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pansexuality

Pansexuality (also referred to as omnisexuality or polysexuality)[1] refers to the potential for sexual attractions, sexual desire, romantic love, or emotional attraction, towards people of all gender identities and biological sexes.[2][3] Self-identified pansexuals may refer to themselves as gender-blind—that gender and sex are insignificant or irrelevant in determining whether they will be sexually attracted to others.[4] The Oxford English Dictionary writes that pansexuality “encompasses all kinds of sexuality; not limited or inhibited in sexual choice with regards to gender or activity.”[5]

The concept of pansexuality deliberately rejects the gender binary, the idea that there are only two genders,[6] as pansexual people are open to relationships with people who do not identify as strictly men or women. Pansexuality can also mean the attraction to a person’s personality, rather than their physical appearance or gender.[7]

There’s nothing wrong with this. It’s what makes Deena the wildcard and the interesting character in the house. You never know if she’s going to hook up with a dude or a chick, but you know that as soon as she gets drunk enough to start falling down for no reason, she’s going to try to tongue SOMEONE down, which is probably why Pauly was looking so skeeved out when she wanted to kiss him at the end of the first Italy episode:


YouTube Link => http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F4MYJ3pYFXw

So, ladies… If you start making out with chicks every time you get drunk, don’t bother trying to explain that away as not being a core aspect of your personality. Nobody cares what you call yourself or how you try to classify yourself. The only thing people are paying attention to is what you’re liable to do when you’re feeling horny and there’s a chick or dude around that you feel like hooking up with.

Labels are over. Do what you do. Get in where you fit in. Enjoy your life, as-is.

Just don’t bother protesting when your friends and roommates tell you what you did last night right in front of their faces as if you didn’t actually do that, AND it’s not an event that’s been historically repeated by you under the exact same conditions every time.

I used to know people that would call themselves “non-smokers”. Then.. When it’s 1am at a party, I look and see them smoking a cigarette.

When I approached them and asked them what the **** they were doing, their reply, across the board, was “oh.. I only smoke when I’m drunk.”

That makes you a SMOKER when you’re drunk, and since you get drunk EVERY WEEKEND, that makes you *NOT* a non-smoker.

Labels are useless.

It’s Regular

It’s now the year 2011 AD. Nobody expects chicks not to make out with chicks. That’s what they do. \o/

This was the dialogue from the cab ride from the club back to the hotel:

  • Sammi: They’ve been making out for, like, three hours. (referring to Nicole and Deena)
  • Jenni: This is not no ordinary girl makeout session. This is like they’re going to **** each other when they get back to the hotel, and I have to share a room with them.
  • Sammi: I don’t even make out this long with Ron.

See what I mean? o_O “ordinary girl makeout session”. It’s regular. Nobody cares. I don’t understand what Deena’s protesting about. \o/ According to the videotaped evidence, when Deena’s drunk, she’s likely to dance with chicks, make out with chicks and hop in bed with chicks. It’s not like people are making up stuff she doesn’t actually do, right in front of their faces.

Now, haha As funny as it is when the guys talk about “Lesbie Friends” and “Lesbie Honest, Here” and “Lez Go!” and “At least the carpets are clean” and “You didn’t eat enough last night?”, none of that would be happening if Deena just admitted she’s an omnisexual and rocked with the reality of her life and attractions.

The reason the jokes are so funny is that she keeps protesting and lying and bullshitting instead of just owning up to the facts and being herself.

However.. There’s another very important issue that came to light this episode…

I don’t remember.. But I definitely didn’t do THAT!!! :O

Another ultra-pathetic aspect of The Game that was highlighted this episode is how people try to play both sides of the memory situation.

Pro Tip: If you don’t remember what you *DID*, you can’t possibly remember what you *DIDN’T DO*.

Long Story Short.. Deena & Nicole get drunk in the afternoon, dance, feel each other up and make out for the rest of the entire day and night, make out all the way home in the cab and then hop under the covers together and wake up the next afternoon talking about “Do you remember what happened last night? o_O”

Fortunately, the cameras were rolling the entire time, so it doesn’t matter what you remember.

The important line is when Deena says to Nicole “I don’t remember anything after we left that restaurant”, then, when Nicole says “I remember making out with you”, Deena’s reply is “We didn’t do anything else.”…..

um…. WHAT? 😀

When you left the restaurant, you went to the club. When you left the club, you got in the cab and came home. You eventually went to sleep. You eventually woke back up. You’re now having a conversation.

*IF* you don’t remember anything after you left the restaurant, you can not say *WHAT* you did at the club, in the cab, or when you came home and hopped in bed with a chick.

You can’t say anything at all, other than “I don’t remember anything after we left that restaurant”, so you most certainly are not credible when you say things like “We didn’t do anything else”.

A lot of people aren’t smart enough to realize that they’re claiming amnesia and lucid recall at the same time.

A lot of people don’t understand that they make totally different decisions when they’re drunk, like I mentioned above about smokers.

When you’re not drunk, you can’t speak for your drunk-self and say “I would not have done XYZ” or “I didn’t do XYZ” when you incapacitated yourself to the point that you can’t walk straight, you often fall down and you experience memory blackouts in the morning.

I know this because I’ve been there.

I’ve had enough to drink on some evenings where I’ve had to ask close and trusted friends what I did the night before. When they told me, I had to take their word for it, because I had ZERO. RECALL. OF. THAT. EVENING… Even their telling me didn’t jar actual memories. If the information is gone, the information is gone.

What’s worse is when people get indignant about what you’re telling them they did.

Due to your incapacitating yourself with alcohol or whatever substance, essentially, I was there, and you were not. I know what happened, and you do not.

Therefore, in the absence of videotaped evidence, if Jenni says that Deena and Nicole made out all the way home in the cab, there’s no point in either one of them getting mad or trying to dispute the facts, because THEY. HAVE. NO. MEMORY. and therefore NO. SAY. about how that period of time is written into the history books.

Caviat Emptor

This situation is insanely dangerous for guys.

Thanks to the pressures of the double standard, chicks are liable to lie and say they didn’t do what you know they did.

This could happen because they have no memory but don’t want to believe they did what they did. It could also happen because they *DO* remember what they did and now they feel like hoes and want to relieve themselves of their personal responsibility by blaming something on you that you didn’t do to them.

For this reason, it’s *REALLY* in your best interest to NOT hook up with drunk chicks. 🙂

I know this doesn’t make any sense, because it’s easier to screw drunk women than sober ones. I get that. I understand… What I’m telling you is that there are a lot of guys that had to deal with a lot of legal problems as well as illegal problems (she tells guys she knows that you took advantage of her, when you didn’t) because they wanted to get laid one night, so think about it before you hook up with the easy lay.. Sometimes, it’s simply and entirely not worth it.

The other aspect of “Buyer Beware” is what happened after the fact, when Nicole had to call her so-called “boyfriend” and tell him about the evening’s events.

Remember what I said, about chicks downplaying what actually happened? o_O .. She went ahead and told her “boyfriend” that she got drunk and made out with Deena and “That’s pretty much all that happened”.

Sorry. That was a bullshit lie.

This is, again, where Jersey Shore is an anomaly. That lie would have stood if there wasn’t videotaped evidence to the contrary. Anybody that’s not on a “reality” show wouldn’t have gotten caught in that lie.

This is why it isn’t worth asking someone you’re dating what they did last night. You may or may not get the truth. There’s no reason to base the rest of your relationship on what they TOLD YOU happened, when, similar to the person that drank too much to remember, *YOU* have no idea at all what happened last night.

Of course.. This also flies in the face of Nicole’s lie about not hooking up with Mike… Remember the same guy she was making out with in that hot tub video I linked from Season 01? o_O .. When he recently snitched on her for blowing him while they were on break before this Italy season, she got mad at him for ratting her out, but didn’t have anything to say when he offered to tell the details of exactly where and what happened.

So, basically, you get what you get and you have what you have. There’s no point in trying to police your significant other‘s behavior when you’re not physically in their presence. They’re going to do whatever they want and tell you whatever they want after the fact.. assuming they even REMEMBER what happened, to begin with.

I’m expecting a bunch more “nothing” from the rest of this season, because MTV’s run out of storylines other than whether Mike’s going to hook up with Nicole again, which nobody cares about.

According to the edit, Vinny’s been completely ineffective at pulling chicks in Italy, except for the “Virgin Twin” that Deena stole from Mike and handed off to Vinny when she was finished.

Ronnie’s one of the girls, spending all his time with Sammi, Nicole, Jenni, and Deena = no action.

Pauly hasn’t done jack-**** since he landed in Italy.

Mike met some American chick that he was steadily screwing until he smashed his own head into a wall and injured his neck = zero Italian action, with the single credit I can give him being that he pulled the two chicks to come back to the house, but when Pauly let the grenade loose, Mike’s girl bounced too, so that particular fumble wasn’t his fault.

Jenni and Sammi have boyfriends = no action.

Deena hooks up with anything that isn’t too drunk to run away from her.

Nicole has a “boyfriend”, gets drunk and hooks up with chicks all night while denying that she blew Mike, whom there’s videotaped evidence of her messing with in the hot tub.

We’ve already seen all this stuff played out over and over and over and over and YAWWWWWWNNN

Even though my previous prediction didn’t work out, which is why we’re suffering through a useless Italy season, my *NEW* prediction is that they do one more Jersey Shore season at the actual Jersey Shore and then retire this concept.

There’s no depth of field in this subculture where they can switch out cast members like The Real World. They’re stuck with these 8 (9, if you count Angelina) people, and all their interactions were redundant about a year ago.

However.. As we know.. Television isn’t about entertainment, but ROI (Return On Investment), and as long as MTV’s getting more money from Jersey Shore fans than they’re spending on producing the show, we may very well see “Jersey Shore: Kentucky” coming soon to a television near you. :/

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