Reader “J” asked me an interesting question, which was “What happens when men ‘catch feelings’ before women? o_O”
Catching Feelings (Catchin’ Feelin’s) is a slang term that basically amounts to you can’t just let a good, fun, mutually-beneficial, probably-sexual relationship be what it naturally is, and you feel the need to add ish into the game that wasn’t originally a part of it, and all of a sudden, you turn into a Klingon (see what I did there?.. Cling-On? >:D) and start overplaying your position, trying to put labels on the situation, and campaigning for exclusivity when nobody offered you that in the first place.
Usually, this happens to women, which makes sense, because whether they intend to have kids or not, BIOLOGICALLY, women are driven to attach themselves to men who are going to protect them from saber-toothed tigers, hunt and bring home meat for the family to eat, and ward off other cavemen from tagging up on her so they don’t have to go on The Maury Show and figure out whose kid it is.
Women generally want to retire from the dating game, so when they meet a guy that presses all their buttons and rings all their bells, they want to have an exclusive relationship with him yadda yadda and then generally make themselves nuisances until you have to dump them. :)
But what happens when it’s the GUY that wants to retire… Hmm.. Let’s say more accurately, what happens when the guy wants HIS WOMAN to retire, and she’s extremely happy with the current state of their relationship and her ability (we always have the ability, because we all have free will, but) to kick it with the next man if she feels like it, and generally enjoy her life as she damned well pleases? o_O
I don’t have any personal experience with the feeling of wanting to restrict some woman.. any woman from having sex with whomever she wants in whatever fashion she desires.
I’ve never experienced the feeling of ownership of a woman.
(or ownership of anybody, for that matter, being that I don’t have any kids)
That’s probably because I was never a part of the common movie-fantasy-script-based dating game to begin with.
Chicks that like me enjoy my flirtations and advances… Chicks that don’t like me don’t enjoy them… The sun goes up, then it goes back down.
The times that I’ve been involved in exclusive relationships, it was always because *SHE* decided she only wanted to mess with me.. Not because I did some extraordinary magical thing to her and cast some kind of control spell over her and then I had her in Deep Check where she was no longer able to respond to her personal free will and had to do whatever I told her to do whenever I told her to do it.
So, being that I’ve never controlled a woman, I don’t believe anybody else has control over women either, and that isn’t something that I strive for in my interactions with females.
I just want My. Time. >:D .. I don’t give a flying **** what she does when she’s not around me, because I’m not deriving any entertainment from her anyway, so who cares? \o/
So I can’t really speak personally on this issue.. However.. I *DID* sweat a chick one time, to the degree where The Kid sort of bugged out for a split second, and I still have mental (though, not emotional) access to that experience, so I’ll start there.
What Had *Happened* Was…
Back in the day, when I didn’t know what I was doing, and “getting girls” was luck as opposed to skill, I met this chick and really, really liked her.
As far as I can remember, she wasn’t particularly fly (good-looking), but something about her made me gravitate towards her in an unique and exclusive fashion.
I lost contact with her, being that this was back in the telephone days before social media, and I realized that all I could do was go to a place where I had been with her before and *HOPE* she arrived there.
This is now correctly categorized as *****STALKINGGGGGG*****!!! hahaha
Anyway… I found myself standing in the street.. In Manhattan, New York City, by the way, meaning I was literally surrounded by MILLIONS of women, standing around hoping to catch a glimpse of this *ONE* *CHICK*, and at the time, that seemed perfectly normal to me and a validly worthwhile expenditure of my time.
When OF COURSE she never appeared, and when I played the scenario back in my mind, later that evening or whenever my head cleared, I was like THANK GOD SHE *DIDN’T* SEE ME (or, DID see me and successfully avoided me! :D), and WHAT THE **** HAPPENED TO ME JUST NOW??? o_O
Good Grief!.. So Embarrassing.
I say all that to say that I can barely empathize with guys who put all their eggs in one basket and actually give a damn whether they can corral a chick into an exclusive relationship with them, because it REALLY MATTERS to them.
I’ve experienced (for about five hours during one day of my life) that feeling of “If I can’t have this one chick today, my entire day is going to suck! :(“, and a) it didn’t feel good, and b) I was temporarily insane.
Fortunately, I got my skillz together, and “getting girls” became a function of how much work I was willing to put into bagging her, and there wasn’t any mystery = there wasn’t any wonder or anxiety.
If I lose contact with a chick, it’s because either I didn’t put in enough work, or the next man put in more work than I did and locked her down, so congrats to him! :D
I’ll retrieve her in a few months, after he dumps her and she’s looking to “give herself” to some other dude (Me) because even though her “ex” is never going to find out about it, in HER MIND, she derives immense and acute pleasure from imagining that he was seeing what we were doing and feeling poorly about his life because of it.
The Science Of Rockets
Some guys sincerely Catch Feelin’s.. Like, they actually want to be involved in an indeterminate-length exclusive relationship with one woman.
What I described above is what I imagine that feels like.. Like it really matters to you what she does with her body when you don’t have physical access to her.
Imagining what that feels like.. The first thing I would wonder is whether she feels the same way about me.. Whether she wants to be sexually exclusive with me, and whether she’s on the same page with me about whatever else I want to do in life.
For instance.. A lot of people have these grandiose plans about having 6 kids, but they don’t bring it up to their “significant other”, and then they find out after the first kid that the other person’s like “The shop is closed.”
That’s a MAAAAAAJOR miscalculation, but its funny how rare “How many kids do you want to have? o_O” is asked on first dates… or second, or third, or fourth…
Assuming we wanted the same things in life, my next question would be “How intelligent is she?”
If your girlfriend is intelligent….. Then, when she goes to the grocery store, or the gym, or on vacation, or to work, or swimming, or to the batting cages, it isn’t very likely that some random dude is going to trick her into spreading her legs for him in his car in the Dairy Queen parking lot between the time she left your crib and the time she returned with the bread and eggs.
If you *BELIEVE* that your girlfriend was hornswaggled into giving up sex that she didn’t fully intend to and desire to give up, you believe that SHE’S A ******* IDIOT.
Some guys believe they’re dating idiots. Y’all women are going to have to live with that. Guys date chicks because they find them attractive, not because they’re rocket scientists… Unfortunately, this leads to confusion, because the guy can’t admit to her that he thinks she’s stupid or else he won’t get laid, which was his only reason for dating her in the first place.
The point being that if you go somewhere for 45 minutes and then have to suffer 3rd Degree Interrogation Tactics about where you ACTUALLY were, whom you were ACTUALLY with, and what y’all were ACTUALLY doing during that time, one reason for that is that he figures that it was so easy for him to hook up with you that it must be that easy for the next man, so you’re pretty much like an unpaid hooker, giving it up to random guys in random locations for free instead of getting paid and bringing him the money.
If he believes she’s intelligent, yet he still acts like this, it might be because he thinks she’s a liar.
Some guys believe they’re dating liars. Y’all women are going to have to live with that. Guys date chicks because they find them attractive, not because they’re virtuous truthtellers… Unfortunately, this leads to confusion, because the guy can’t admit to her that he thinks she’s a ******* liar or else he won’t get laid, which was his only reason for dating her in the first place.
This means that he doesn’t believe you when you say you’re heading to the Quickie Mart to get bread and eggs. He believes you’re just giving excuses so you can step to the left with the next man off the radar for a couple of hours.
This could be because he doesn’t have any belief in his skillz in putting you in Deep Check, therefore, he doesn’t believe in his control over you (which doesn’t actually exist anyway), and he believes that *HE* can be easily duped by a chick into believing she’s being exclusive with him when she isn’t.
In order to circumvent his own ability to be deceived, his solution is to attempt to keep tabs on all of your whereabouts at all times.
This could manifest in situations where you receive contact from him for no good reason, just because he’s checking if you’re going to pick up the phone, text him back, return his email, whatever.
Strangely.. It doesn’t seem to occur to dudes that if a chick texts you back, that only means she’s not using her hands for other things during the 15 seconds it takes to type a short message to you and press “send”.
Well.. A lot of people one-hand their smartphones, so it only means she isn’t using ONE hand at the time.
Basically, we all have our own viewpoints on life that shape how we feel other people are going to act and react.
Like I said earlier.. I press up on chicks and then they go for it or they don’t.
Therefore, my experience of life is “Women will hook up with you if they feel like it.”
That statement doesn’t include any variables accounting for relationship status.
I didn’t say “Women will hook up with you if they feel like it [and don't have a boyfriend]” or “Women will hook up with you if they feel like it [and don't claim to be lesbians]” or “Women will hook up with you if they feel like it [and don't have kids your age]“.
There *ARE* no variables.
If she wants to give you some, she will. If she doesn’t, she won’t.
Therefore.. Since there are no variables preventing me from getting some, there also aren’t any variables preventing women from utilizing their free will.
She will hook up with the next man [unless I tell her I want to marry her]
She will hook up with the next man [unless I call her my girlfriend]
She will hook up with the next man [unless I tap that ass properly, every day]
She will hook up with the next man [if I don't buy her flowers every week]
She will hook up with the next man [if I don't go all out on Valentine's Day]
* Tip for the fellaz… There’s no “M” in ValentiNe’s Day *
She will hook up with the next man [unless I pop a kid out of her]
She will hook up with the next man [unless my rims are spinning]
See what I mean? :)
There are no parameters to free will. No variables. Throw your hat in the ring, do the best you can to impress her, *KEEP* doing whatever you can to impress her, and maybe she’ll be exclusive with you and maybe she won’t. \o/
Projection is when we attribute our own viewpoint on life onto someone else.
It’s a typical occurrence, but it’s an error, because whomever you’re dating didn’t have the same experiences you had, so they might react entirely differently to the same stimulus.
What I mean by projection is that, say a dude uses his weekly “Poker game with the fellaz” as an opportunity to hit the strip joint every week for a few hours…
* (by the way, fellaz.. Save your money.. Get your girl to strip for you.)
Since he knows that he says one thing and does another, he’ll assume that his girlfriend will do the same thing.
If that’s the case, then he doesn’t believe you went to the Quickie Mart at all, because that’s what he would have said if he had wanted to go off the grid for an hour or so.
The funny part is that guys don’t recognize that they do this, and give their game away if women know what to look and listen for.
When was the last time your best friend told you they went shopping, and you were wondering “What did they *REALLY* do during that time? o_O”… Never.
People who tell you what they actually did when you ask them expect to hear what you actually did when they ask you.
People that don’t use excuses to cheat don’t expect you to use excuses to cheat.
I suppose there’s an exception to that, which would be if you ADMITTED to the other person that you’ve cheated on people in your past hookup history.
That can be absorbed in one of two ways.. Either you are in a more authentic place in your life right now, since you can bring that up to your SO in conversation and lay it all out on the table from the giddyap, or that you’ve offered that person a window into their potential future with you.
The reaction is going to be based on optimism, pessimism, and their own belief in their own ability to affect/change/satisfy people they’re dating.
I’ve run out of time and need to go get paid now, so I’m going to pick this up when I get a chance, in Part 02, because with all this preamble, I never got to the Catchin’ Feelin’s part! :P
Until then.. Think about how you and your SO behave in your relationship, and consider whether you need to move towards a more authentic, healthy position with each other, and if that’s even possible…
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