So this chick apologized to me the other day, for being, in her words “a bad friend”.
I found this funny for a bunch of reasons.
The main one being that it’s damned ******* obvious that she’s a “bad friend”, and I find it funny that she felt like she had to bring this to my attention, as if I had never noticed. 😀
I realize that she wasn’t actually saying that for my benefit, but rather to absolve herself of the guilt that she feels because she’s always a “bad friend” to me, and I’m always a “good friend” to her.
Well.. That isn’t really true. I’m actually a “bad friend” to her as well. It’s just that she’s so busy being a “bad friend” to me that she doesn’t notice how I treat her.
It’s also that she doesn’t care how I treat her, which is why she doesn’t notice, but that’s also the source of my ability to be a “good friend” to her, which is that I don’t care how she acts. Her behavior has nothing to do with why I enjoy her company.
Labels & Expectations
The reason I’ve been using quotes around “bad friend” and “good friend” is that neither one of them exist. (Just like “relationships”, but that’s a different topic.)
She isn’t actually being a bad friend to me. She’s being the friend she’s able to be.
She’s being the friend that she wants to be.
She’s being the friend that I inspire her to be for me.
She isn’t going out of her way to not be a good friend to me.. She’s giving me all she has for me, which isn’t much, but I recognized and accepted that a long time ago, and already crossed the bridge of “Do I want to keep interacting with this chick?”
So it was nice of her to “fess up”, but she was telling me something I’ve already attributed to being an integral part of her personality.
If there were some standard for friendship, yes, she would be a bad friend to me, and I would be a bad friend to her.
Being that there isn’t, all you can do is recognize what a person has and what they’re willing to give you from what they have.
At least, that’s what you *should* do.
A lot of people want individuals to live up to other people’s standards. That rarely occurs.
This is why they get upset in their “relationships”.. because people aren’t acting the way they want them to act.
Don’t worry about how you want someone else to act. Recognize how they act, and then decide whether you want to be involved with that kind of person or not.
Personality & Character
There are some chicks that are broke, right? 🙂 .. and then even though they’re on their last dollars that they have for the week.. they’re about to eat beans and ramen (or whatever broke people eat) until their next paycheck, they still try to give you money when you’re settling the bar tab.
You have. to. appreciate that.
You have. to. give her credit for her character.
You have to give her credit for not trying to be a 47%er Moocher, but at the same time, you don’t want to take her money, because she needs it and you don’t.
Meanwhile.. You have other chicks that have good-paying jobs and still aren’t trying to pay for jack-**** when both of youse enjoyed your food, drinks, movie, whatever.
This is what I’m talking about… I’m not interested in what a chick can give me. I’m interested in what she wants to give me, out of the subset of what she has to give in the first place.
I’m also not interested in whom a gal might have been, as opposed to whom she actually is.
Like.. Some women I know are smarter than other women I know. Some are richer. Some are dumber. Some are poorer. Some look better. Some look worse. Some are inherently nice human beings. Some suck as people… There’s no point in comparing the perks that come with one chick to those of another one. You either have to accept her as who she is, mentally & emotionally, or refuse to interact with her, based on her way of being.
So there is no “bad friend”, because friendships aren’t relative to each other.
Friendships are specific to individuals.
Another element that’s funny about my friend’s admission of being a “bad friend” is that I know she doesn’t actually care that she knows that I know that she’s a “bad friend”! 😀
It just doesn’t matter.
I’m going to spend time with her, or I’m not.
If I’m available and currently interested in seeing her, I might do that. Otherwise, I won’t.
I think people should sit down with each other and list each other’s wackness. 🙂
You know.. Sit down in person and tell each other what sucks about them.
I never thought about this until now. It would be easier to move forward in human relationships if people would just say “You’re wack for this, this, and this, but I elect to spend time with you anyway.”
This way, people don’t feel like they’re getting over… There’s no reason for my homegirl to apologize to me for being a “bad friend” unless she thinks I care about her personal qualities (and the nature of our relationship) that make her act the way she does towards me.
If I would have just told her to her face, “You do this, this, and this, and all these things suck, and I don’t give a flying ****, and I still enjoy spending time with you”, she would be more comfortable being a “bad friend” towards me, which would be better for both of us, because I would have a more authentic relationship to her than I currently do.
Part of my “not being a good friend to her” is accepting her as-is, thereby stating that my personal entertainment is more important than her mental development as a human being.
I recognize that she’s wack as a friend, but since that has nothing to do with my enjoying spending time with her, I don’t strive to help her improve herself.
Would she accept my advice?.. Probably Not! 😀 haha
I’m just saying that I haven’t tried.. For selfish reasons.
When I say “accept her as-is”, I’m not talking about how they try to tell dudes that if your girlfriend gets out of shape, you should still try to figure out a way to get yourself to want to have sex with her.. Not that kind of “accept her as-is”.
I’m saying that since I don’t care how she acts, I don’t inform her about behaviors that others would find completely intolerable and excommunicate her for.
The talk shows and pundits would call that being an “enabler”. I’m contributing to the problem of her lack of introspection and self-improvement.
I’m sure there are lots of other ways that I’m “not a good friend to her”, but I can’t access them right now, because they’re basic to me, which is kind of the point of this article.
I’m not good at doing things that don’t naturally occur to me.
In order to do something like that, I have to decide to externally access the other person’s thought process and think “What would they want me to do in this situation? o_O”
That still doesn’t mean that I’m going to do it. 🙂 I’m saying that I only naturally give people what I have for them, which isn’t necessarily what they want from me, and isn’t necessarily enough for me to qualify as a “good friend” to them.
That doesn’t mean I don’t hold them in high regard. I do. I just don’t have anything for them other than what occurs to me to give them… Therefore, I can’t turn around and call someone else a “bad friend” because they’re giving me the limits of what they naturally have for me.
OTOH.. Like I mentioned earlier… If I know a chick has more for me than she’s giving me, and she’s holding out with the goal of bartering with me for something, that wouldn’t even be a bad friend! 😀 haha That would be an opportunistic leech.
People like that are discarded immediately (or never initially offered the chance to interact with me in the first place), and we never get to a point where they get to apologize to me for their behavior.
If I can’t stand it, you’re out. If I can stand it, you’re in.
Unfortunately, a lot of people measure their relationships by what they can get the other person to do.
To me, that’s business, not pleasure.
I already have things that I do for money. I’m not on the payroll. I’m not on your staff. I don’t give a flying **** what you want me to do.
This is what makes me a “bad friend”. If you don’t like what I’m offering you, you can kick rocks.
It’s also what makes me a “good friend”, because anything you receive from me is genuine, and you were supposed to receive it. I wanted to give it to you, and I gave it “from the heart”.
You don’t have to worry whether I did what I did for you because I want something in return. You don’t have to worry that I have ulterior motives. If there’s something I want, I’m going to tell you I want it, and then you’re going to give it to me or you aren’t, and we’re going to remain in contact with each other or we aren’t, but I’ll never label you a “bad friend” for acting from your own Free Will, even if your behaviors and actions aren’t to my personal benefit.