So, as The Kid was brainstorming what was supposed to be my next article, entitled “Ladies: Nobody Cares About Your 5 Pounds”, I was in the process of selecting things to give away to local hurricane victims and I came upon some old jeans…

The Problem

Now.. These jeans didn’t look like they fit, so I was like “this is great! πŸ˜€ let me try these on, to see what these chicks put themselves through while they’re trying to look cute!”

So the first thing that I noticed is that they didn’t want to go on, at all.

That should be an indication to not put these jeans on and select another pair, or maybe invest in some of those expanding / bubble gum jeans that chicks like to wear, that look like they were painted onto their legs, which, at this point, have been replaced with Technicolor tights to go along with their kiddie rubber winter boots in neon colors.. Anyway…..

So, I was like “Nah.. I know this happens to these chicks, and they try to wear these things anyway”, so I worked for a few seconds, and they were on.

Well, I mean, they were high enough to constitute being “on”, but the zipper part was doing this “V” shape, where I was like “ok.. How am I supposed to close the button? :/”

I figured out that the only way to do this was to collect and hold my breath while negotiating this process… That worked well enough, except it was a BEYOTCH when I stopped holding my breath. :/

So now I’m standing there, right.. Which, it’s very easy to stand in jeans that don’t fit, because you really can’t do anything else… but stand.

I think the first thing I tried to do was lift my knee, which wasn’t extremely successful.

I probably, if straight down is 6 o’clock, got my knee to around 7:30 before the jeans were like “Nope!”

So then I tried a little goose-stepping.

That didn’t work, either.

Fortunately, I’m not in the foreign military, so it doesn’t matter.

I found a slight bit of success by leaning backwards as I kicked fowards, which was cheating, of course, but still worked better than the regular style.

Another thing I found strange about jeans that don’t fit is that you’re *ALWAYS* reminded that you’re wearing them. :/

You take a step, and you’re like “oh.. Jeans”.

You breathe, and you’re like “oh, Jeans”.

It’s like the jeans keep interrupting your life and reminding you of themselves, which is probably what reminds chicks that gained “5 pounds” that they gained 5 pounds, every few seconds, which is why they can’t stop telling YOU about that, even though you don’t give a flying ****.

The Experiment

So, this standing, kneeing and kicking stuff was all well & good, but I needed to gain some practical experience with this situation, so I decided to rock the jeans on my brew run.

The stairs weren’t much of an issue, as the steps are placed close to each other, and you kind of have to step on each step or you buss your azz, so it wasn’t a big deal getting outside.

Once I hit the ground, I wanted to get to the store ASAP, so I started walking… mentally, at least.

When I walk, I place one leg out in front of me, while the other leg stays back… like normal people do.

In this case, that’s what I was *THINKING*, but that wasn’t what I was *DOING*.

Due to the goose-step restriction, I wasn’t able to achieve the proper angle between my left knee and my right knee to stride….. What happened was one knee would go slightly ahead of the other knee, then stop completely.

So, in order to get to the store, I ended up basically kicking one leg forward, from the knee down, leaning forward on that, swinging the next leg as far forward as it would go, then kicking at the knee to get more distance, then leaning on that leg.

Fortunately, people around the way invent all kinds of styles of walking, in an attempt to look cool, so I just played it off like I meant to walk that way and kept it movin’.

Another thing I noticed at this time… was that I constantly felt like I was sitting down. o_O

Like, I was walking, and I was standing up in the street, but I felt like I was seated.

Eventually, on my way to the store, the jeans started “breaking in”, I suppose, and I received a certain percentage of my ability to walk regularly back.

So I get to the store to retrieve my alcoholic beverages, and there’s this fine chick in the store… Not *FOYINE*, but she was attractive enough to get the Dilithium Crystals fired up, nah meen? >;D

So, of course, being that hawt chicks tend to erase my short-term memory, I forget I’m wearing these jeans, right?

So she leaves the store before I do, and I’m thinking “hurry up, dude!” as he’s putting my beers in the bag.

I finally pay and exit the store, and the chick had gone in the same direction I needed to go to get back home… which didn’t really matter, because I would have walked the opposite direction if I had to! πŸ˜€ haha business is business.

So I go into Tony Manero mode, right?.. Like, it’s some kind of “Let me walk all cool while I pass this fine chick” situation… which, by the way, I didn’t even realize that I *DO* until this experiment… and I get to take like two steps and I’m like “oh.. Jeans”.

So I didn’t get to strut.

I suppose I quasi-goose-stepped past the chick, not feeling as cool as I otherwise would have.

The rest of the walk home was uneventful, other than still feeling like I was sitting down the entire time. I guess it was like being in a golf cart. \o/

I thought of a homegirl of mine that usually wears tight jeans. I really enjoy watching her walk away from the bar when she’s heading to the bathroom, but now I’m thinking “Is it the jeans that make her walk that way? o_O”

The Point

Anyway, Ladies… You can see that at *NO POINT* during my research did I find wearing non-fitting jeans to be something positive.

If you were trying to forget that you used to be able to fit in these jeans, and now you can’t, you’re going to be constantly reminded = a bad mood = nobody wants to hang out with you.

If you thought you were going to run for the bus, you aren’t.

If you run for the bus anyway, you’re going to look like an idiot, since your legs won’t be doing precisely what you willed them to do.

You won’t be able to utilize your POCKETS!

Now I know why these chicks walk around with these big-ass bags, because they can’t fit anything other than perhaps a Metrocard in their POCKETS!

If you drop money on the ground, you’re going to have to LEAVE IT THERE, unless you make up some specialized breakdancing moves and “pop and lock” your way down to the sidewalk to retrieve it.

If you sit down on the subway, you’re going to look stupid with your legs stretched out in front of you like a little kid, since you can’t bend your knees more than 30 degrees. (better to stand up for the whole ride)

On top of that, you’re making yourself look more out of shape than you actually are.

When your belt is too tight… Oh.. I found at least ONE good thing about this situation.. You can save money because you don’t have to buy belts, because there’s no way your pants are going to fall down.

When your belt is too tight, your torso has to decide which way to go.. which will be either UP, DOWN, or BOTH. None of these three choices is fly.

When it goes up, that’s what people refer to as a muffin-top, because it resembles the top of a muffin. This is not attractive. You’re way better off with your actual stomach.

This also applies to your purchasing and rocking appropriate shoes.

If you don’t know how to walk in heels, wear flats. You look way more attractive 3 inches shorter and walking properly, instead of stumbling and bumbling your way down the street with dudes betting amongst each other how soon you’re gonna buss your azz. (fall down)

You also don’t look cute when you borrow your homegirl’s shoes and there’s like an extra inch of shoe behind your heel, so everybody knows that either you borrowed those or you don’t know how to shop.

So my advice to y’all ladies during this holiday season is that if you’re concerned with trying to look fly, and you feel like you’ve put on that extra 5 pounds that none of the fellaz noticed anyway, don’t go the “stuff your ass into the jeans that used to fit” route. Either invest in some expanding gear, or donate those jeans to someone who really needs them this winter and go buy a larger pair. Follow Bill via Email Subscription | Facebook | Twitter | YouTube | Google+ | RSS Feed

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  1. Happy New Year, Bill!

    What a cute story. πŸ™‚

    Your trip to the store made me think of the “Ministry of Silly Walks”. The part before that evoked the image of Mel Gibson trying to put on a pair of stockings in “What Women Want”.
    The whole thing put a smile on my face that is still there. Thank you!

    But honestly, I canΒ΄t believe that a man of your experience needed to live so long to figure out that most women can not utilize their pockets. Has no girl ever asked you to store her purse or something else in your pocket for her on a night out? A female friend would do that to me when we went out together, since my outfits usually were less tight than hers, and I hated her for that. Made me feel like a guy. Needless to say, she is no longer my friend.
    Do you know what is even worse? Women with bigger thighs sometimes need to have their pant pockets stitched up so they don`t gape all the time…

    This is the best advice on clothing I have ever seen:
    I wish I had known this book when I was 18.

    1. hahaha Happy New Year, Fishingrod! πŸ˜€

      I’m always glad to bring a smile to your face, so thanks for sharing that! πŸ˜€

      I never thought about it because chicks always have bags. They like to carry bags, so they normally don’t have anything in their pockets, anyway. I never considered that the pockets might be plastered to their thighs.

      That’s pretty funny that you were the pocket-chick. πŸ™‚ haha That’s like being the designated driver (person who doesn’t drink alcohol all night, so they can drive everyone home after the partying).

      See.. Here in NYC, we have stores that cater to big-butt-having women, like the jeans are crafted differently in order to fit their shapes. We also have the elastic or “bubble gum” jeans that stretch along with her body.

      Anyway, it’s fun now to consider whether the chick in front of me naturally walks like that or whether it’s because of her jeans…

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