So I’m sitting in this bar, right?.. QUELLE SURPRISE!!! :O haha

So it’s like 3am and there are only two chicks left. Let’s name them A and B.

A is in better physical shape than B. B is cuter than A, facially.

B, the cuter, worse-shapen one is probably hammered, wasted, incredibly drunk, or at least I hope she doesn’t act like that when she’s sober.


They’re sitting on the other side of the “L” of the bar. I’m on the long side, they’re on the short side.

A couple of times, I see B attempt to climb on the bar as if someone had asked her to dance.

That was going to be an instant disaster, and fortunately, she was dissuaded each time she started rising up.

At some point, as I was talking to a friend and not paying very much attention to either of these chicks, merely noting the playing field at the time, I look over and A is sitting there by herself, then she asks my friend to watch her stuff because B walked away to go to the bathroom and she wanted to go see if she was ok.

This gained A points, because chicks in this town are known to leave their homegirls laying around in the garbage,, and this was good that she was considering her friend’s welfare.

So A goes and retrives B from wherever she had been, and they both return to their seats around the corner of the bar from me.

So more time passes, and I’m really not thinking about them at all, but eventually, I hear this scraping sound and a thud, and I look in the direction of their seats.

Neither A nor B is there, but one of the chairs is way to the side from where it was supposed to be, and people on that side of the bar were all looking towards the floor.

Professor Plum With A Candlestick In The Library

So I put 2 and 2 together and figured out that A had walked away somewhere, and the sound I had heard was the bar stool sliding to the side and scraping against the floor while B buss her ass (fell down on the floor), which is what people were looking at.

So I’m waiting and waiting, because nothing changed. People were still looking at the floor. The chairs were still spread apart. I didn’t hear or see anything different.

Eventually, I see a hand come up to the bar for support in getting back up, and lo and behold, up emerges *A* from bussin’ her ass and cold lampin’ on the ground for half a minute or more.

So she gets up and is dusting herself off and saying how embarrassing that was, while my friend and I are going “nooooooo. noooooooo. happens all the time. noooooooo.”

So now the standings are B = less physically attractive, more facially attractive, looks like she’s about to pass out or vomit at any second, and A = more physically attractive, less facially attractive, doesn’t look so drunk but still can’t figure out how to sit on a bar stool without bussin’ her ass.

The question is.. Being that it’s 3am, which one do you kick it to? o_O

Even though the correct answer would be *BOTH*, because you’re really dealing with a “lesser of the evils” situation here, and it isn’t extremely important which one you select, assuming you can get on at all, and in those situations, it’s easier to hook up with both of the chicks because if you single one out, the other one’s going to cockblock your action, there’s a better option.



Too many times, I find that dudes consider their current tactical situation to be the entirety of their opportunities to get laid.

Unless you live in the sticks, that just isn’t true. You have options. Walk away. Leave those drunk-ass stool-falling chicks where they are, and head to another bar, because the bars aren’t closing in NYC until 4am.

Contact some other chick you already know (known as a Bootie/Booty Call.. Personally, I prefer Bootie, because Booty seems to be the treasure a pirate searches for).

Write the evening off as a loss. Chalk it up to your poor selection of bars to hang out in, where they have a small population of quasi-attractive, dangerously-drunk-to-you-as-they-can’t-remember-what-really-happened-and-want-to-claim-you-took-advantage-of-them-when-THEY’RE-the-ones-that-climbed-up-on-you-and-started-demonstrating-yoga-and-pilates-moves chicks.

Let it slide. You fought the good fight. Wake up in the morning, dust yourself off and try again. You can dust it off and try again. Try again. Follow Bill via Email Subscription | YouTube | Facebook | Twitter | Google+ | RSS Feed

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  1. Hilarious! I’m sure you were surprised as shit when it was A that got up from the mat. My only question, why didn’t A drag B outta there?! B is only going to get drunker/messier.

  2. Good on you! I was hoping the answer would be “neither.” Also that pic of the chick passed out on the trash should not have made me laugh as much as it did.

    1. lol Bekah 😀

      If you laughed at the picture, you should have felt how I felt when I walked out of the bar and saw her lampin’! 😀

      The first thing I did was look to see if she was moving, which she wasn’t. Then I looked at the people around, because there were at least 5 people outside the bar, and none of them seemed concerned that she was sleeping in the garbage, so that’s when I figured she had actually passed out on her own and nothing violent had happened to her.

      I got my picture, the cops rolled up to assist her and I left! 😀 hahaha

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