Now that I’ve become aware that you can’t be disqualified for attempting to become the President of the United States of America due to mental deficiency or illness, I think I’ll try some similar dating techniques that definitely shouldn’t work, but apparently approximately 50% of the women in this country might fall for them anyway.

Conversation Styles

Her: “Where were you born? :D”
Me: “In a crossfire hurricane…… And I howled at my Ma in the driving rain……… But it’s alright now. In fact it’s a gas. :D”
Her: “That’s so fascinating! :D”

Basically, whatever the question is, just say whatever you feel like saying.

Don’t waste time trying to figure out the actual answer to the question because you probably don’t know it in the first place, and the longer you pause, the more it sounds like you’re lying.

Her: “Where do you live? :D”
Me: “Life?…. Life is what you make it.”
Her: “That’s so fascinating! :D”

Her: “What do you do for a living? :D”
Me: “I’m takin’ what they’re givin’, ’cause I’m workin’ for a livin’.”
Her: “That’s so fascinating! :D”

See how it works?.. You don’t have to think at all. Just make sure you know some song lyrics for any occasion.

Her (when the check comes): “I’m going to go to the bathroom. :D”
You: “Staaaaaaaand and deliverrrrrr…. Your money or your lifeeeeee!!!”

It’s really insane. If there isn’t going to be any penalty for not having intelligent answers to questions in a Presidential race, there shouldn’t be any penalty for that in dating also, right?

Financial Affairs

When you take a chick out to dinner and the waiter comes over with the little folder, tell him “Oh! 😀 … I declare bankruptcy! :D” and then he has to hand the bill to the chick.

Disparaging Other Women

“Yo. You saw that skinny chick?.. EWW.”

“Yo. You saw that fat chick?.. EWW.”

“Yo. You saw that blonde chick?.. EWW.”

“Yo. You saw that redhead chick? I heard she used to be a blonde.. EWW.”

“Yo. You saw that tall chick?.. EWW.”

“Yo. You saw that short chick?.. EWW.”

“Yo. I’ll bet you that chick wearing animal print lives in Jersey.. EWW.”

“Yo. Check out that Brooklyn beatnik chick.. EWW.”

“Yo. We need to take this restaurant back and make it great again……….. EWW.”

Side Pieces

Sometimes, the bankruptcy technique doesn’t result in a second date.

In these cases, it’s a good thing you didn’t spend any of your money because you still have all of it to do bankruptcy technique on the next chick with.

However.. Since you don’t want to wait for your next chance to get on, you should make sure that you have extra girlfriends lined up before you need them.

Make sure none of these women are rich, or else you’ll jerk yourself out of future alimony payments when you present her with the prenuptial agreement.

If she *IS* rich, learn how to drive cars and wash windows and stuff and *AVOID* prenups at all costs! 😀

Immigration Policy

If chicks are attractive, let them slide on…… um……. everything.

If it’s a chick you don’t feel like hooking up with, check to see if she has any experience building hotels.

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